All New X-men #15 PREVIEW!

Back in May, I did a quick post on the cover of All New X-men #15 and my stomach still hasn't forgiven me. And since my stomach has a tendency to be more vindictive than an  ex-girlfriend, here it is again.

It's like laxative for your stomach.

Well I'm still disgusted by the idea that Brian Michael Bendis might try to hook Jean Grey up with Beast after Chris Claremont showed in his prematurely canceled X-men Forever series that it's a shitty idea. I'm even more opposed to the idea given how recent issues of All New X-men have dropped no hints whatsoever that Jean Grey is interested in Beast or vice versa. Hell, Beast looked like he got more of a boner from the exotic properties of Silver Samurai's sword in the pages of All New X-men #14. There are a lot of dick jokes I could make about that, but I have too much respect for old Japanese samurai movies to do so.

Also, Brian Michael Bendis has shown a recent history of using deceptive covers. They may show one thing, but they don't actually happen in the book itself. Case and point:

This never happened.

It looks like O5 Cyclops and Havok were going to beat the everloving shit out of each other. In fact, they did the exact opposite. They hugged it out in a way befitting of a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime. So that cover was bullshit. Then there was this one:

Magneto learns to choke a bitch.

It looks like Magneto and Cyclops are finally going to throw down just like the good old days. But again, this shit doesn't happen. In fact, close to the opposite happens. They just have a friendly chat followed by some one-on-one training that I can't make a gay joke about sadly. There was fighting in this issue, but it did not come from Magneto and Cyclops.

With this in mind, that nauseating cover may not amount to much. But I'm never convinced. Like catching the clap from a hooker, it only takes once. I hope it's not All New X-men #15, especially since this is the last issue of All New X-men before the big Battle of the Atom event in September. But as my Uncle Dickjacker once said, "If hope were whiskey we would all have died of liver disease by now. Now where the fuck are my pants?"

And if you can look past the disturbing cover, there is another story that promises to unfold in All New X-men #15 that Brian Michael Bendis revealed months ago. This will be the issue that O5 Jean Grey finally confronts Rachel Grey, who for some reason hasn't noticed that her time displaced mother is now at the Jean Grey Institute. It's one thing to confront your mother from an apocalyptic future. It's quite another to confront her when she's a time displaced teenager as well. It's like Freaky Friday on crack that Lindsey Lohan hasn't smoked yet. It has so much appeal that my stomach might actually forgive me. And this past week, we finally got a preview of what we can expect.

CBR: Preview of All New X-men #15

There's no Beast, but it does show a teenage Jean Grey wearing only a towel so I consider that a win. And my penis will always have priority over my stomach. That's just the way it is. And I hope that in the end my penis is happier than my stomach. This is the last stop in the road until Battle of the Atom and I would like it if I didn't have another reason to hate Beast. Nuff said!

All New X-men #15 Cover (Warning: Will Make You Sick)

I try not to give much stock to covers of comics. I know they're basically just a miniature billboard from companies that say, "Hey! Buy me no matter how shitty the contents may be!" But every now and then a cover comes along that is too sickening to ignore. Case and point, All New X-men #15

I just threw up through my eyes.

Yeah, that's Beast and Jean. I'm disgusted too. I've imagined many sick things while jerking off while high on blow. But this is too sick. I've got nothing against Beast. I've got nothing against Jean Grey. But them together is just wrong and that's coming from a drunk that swallowed a piece of already chewed cum that he took from a strippers snatch.

This is what the soliciation says:

ALL-NEW X-MEN #15
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W) • DAVID LAFUENTE (A)
Cover by STUART IMMONEN
• Love is in the air!
• Cyclops heart and future start to fade before his eyes.
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So basically, it amounts to Bendis torturing O5 Cyclops. All those years of him banging Emma Frost and karma has to come back to fuck with him at some point. That said, this is the kind of shit I worried about when All New X-men was announced. By fucking with the time stream, Bendis could continue the trend of writers having utter disdain for established relationships like Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane. Throwing two characters together like this isn't just wrong. It's the kind of shit that makes you think less of people, both fictional and otherwise. Beast knows Jean is in a fucked up place and he knows outright that Cyclops loves her. Hooking up with Jean would be a dick move on par with fucking up the space time continuum. Not only that, he was the same asshole yelling at Cyclops in the first issue of All New X-men.

In addition, this issue is supposed to be the issue where O5 Jean finally confronts Rachel Grey according to Bendis. We don't know what that meeting will entail, but given how shit like this has been avoided it would be pretty fucked up if it got glossed over. However, Marvel has a talent for glossing over shit that boarders insanity so I wouldn't put anything past them.

Maybe these are just my own fucked up tastes, but this kiss along with an issue dedicated to breaking Cyclops's heart sounds like the kind of shit that would undo all the good that All New X-men has done under Bendis since it began. And that would be a fucking tragedy on the level of the Hindenburg. I can only take some comfort in the knowledge that covers can often be deceptive.

Suck it, KKK!

Yeah, this is the best recent example. That kiss is very misleading in that it didn't exactly happen the way you think. I could go into details, but I'm too drunk and I still have vomit on my shirt. But there was also this.

Suck it, Hefner!

This amounted to nothing as well. And in the long run it did jack shit. I hope this is the case with this cover and I hope Bendis won't take the One More Day approach with Jean Grey. We already saw how shitty that can turn out in the pages of X-men Forever, a series that got canceled early. For a series on the level of All New X-men, we don't need that kind of bullshit. Nuff said!