Time (Inevitably) Runs Out: X-men Blue #35

The following is my review of X-men Blue #35, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain time-displaced, alternate universe, or cloned characters never wear out their welcome. Time paradoxes aside, someone like Cable is here to stay. Josh Brolin's role in Deadpool 2 and Dafne Keen's role in Logan effectively cements that. Those are rare exceptions, though. For the most part, characters derived from others or a byproduct time travel have an expiration date. It's arguable when that date was for the original five X-men who first came to the future in All-New X-men, but most agree that date has long since passed.

Pretty much every circumstance that kept the time-displaced X-men in the future is moot at this point. Jean Grey is no longer dead. Cyclops never causes a mutant genocide. Iceman doesn't stay in the closet. Angel never loses his wings. At one point, there are legitimate barriers keeping them in the future, which play out in X-men: Battle of the Atom. However, most of those barriers crumble throughout Cullen Bunn's run on X-men Blue. They're now at a point where they not only have the ability to go back. They accept that they must go back.

While the logistics of that story play out in Extermination, there's room for reflections and reconciliations. X-men Blue #35 doesn't act as a prelude to Extermination as much as it does an epilogue to the journey that Brian Michael Bendis began in All-New X-men. These characters, despite the many myriad of complications incurred by time travel, are in a very different place than they were when they first arrived. Some improve their situations. Some see it become much worse. In any case, they're all painfully aware of the headaches generated by time travel.

No matter their status, these iconic characters are no longer the wide-eyed idealists that they were when Charles Xavier began training them. They've seen a future where ideals get tainted at every turn and spirits get broken almost as often. In doing so, these characters diverge considerably from the path they were on before. The structure of X-men Blue #35 is built around each member of the time-displaced X-men confronting their future selves, but affirming that they're not the same person.

The problem is they can't be the person they've become anymore. Beast makes clear that in order to avoid any further pitfalls relating to time travel, he and his fellow time-displaced X-men have to forget everything they've experienced during their time in the future. Going back with the knowledge they have, from who wins in every superhero civil war to who plays in every Super Bowl, has serious implications for the overall continuity of the Marvel universe. Given the many convolutions of that continuity, as it stands, the timeline just can't handle that.

This makes for a strange, but intriguing tension between the characters. In each conversation they have with their future selves, they try to affirm they're their own person. However, they also acknowledge that they can't separate themselves from who they're destined to become. If they do, they break reality and after the events of Secret Wars, the timeline just can't handle that.

Each member of the time-displaced X-men deals with their own existential crisis, of sorts. Jean comes off as having a full-blown identity crisis, lamenting at how she feels false in the presence of her older self. To some extent, she's right. She and her teammates aren't the "true" version of the original five X-men at this point in the timeline. They're anomalies that have to disappear completely in order to keep reality intact. To them, though, going back to their own time doesn't mean resolving a long-standing time travel plot. It means erasing themselves from existence.

It's actually Bobby who seems to understand this more than the others. For him, going back in time means going back to being closeted and that bothers him. It's one of those ideas that would bother anyone identifying as LGBT, having to go back to that isolated place and live a lie. Even though his older self is in a much better place in terms of accepting his identity, it doesn't make the underlying notion less distressing.

That's the overall sentiment of each time-displaced character in X-men Blue #35. They agonize over the idea that everything they've done in the present will only serve those in the present. They still have to go back and endure all the hardships, heartaches, and losses. Despite accepting that they must return to their own time, they establish that their preference is to stay. Existing is just inherently more appealing to oblivion.

While it's easy to sympathize with those feelings, Bunn belabors the consequences of following those feelings. Parallel to the interactions between the time-displaced X-men and their counterparts, there are brief flash-forwards that depict the future that unfolds if they don't go back. This side-story doesn't just link X-men Blue #35 with the events of Extermination. It reveals the extent of the existential crisis the X-men face.

Even if going back to their own time is overdue, there are still a lot of problems that these characters want to resolve. Angel is still going to lose his mind and become a horseman of Apocalypse. Cyclops is still going to end up dead and vilified for all the wrong reasons. Beast is still going to end up a blue, furry ape man who plays fast and loose with time machines. Despite the many harsh realizations they've endured, they still retain that youthful idealism that defines the original five X-men.

If that's the primary goal in X-men Blue #35, it definitely succeeds. In terms of furthering the various other plots that have been unfolding since X-men Blue began, it doesn't fail, but it comes up short. There's a lot of lamentation and frustration, but not much else. This being the penultimate issue of the series, there isn't time to tie up every loose end. However, that's the appeal/irony of time travel stories. If everything were resolved, then time travel wouldn't be necessary in the first place.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Heroes, Criminals, and Heroes Operating As Criminals: Astonishing X-men #15

The following is my review of Astonishing X-men #15, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In principle, being a superhero is simple. You find criminals, you fight them, and you defeat them. If you can cooperate with the authorities along the way, then that's a nice bonus. When heroes have to operate as criminals, though, things aren't as simple. That doesn't just apply to vigilantes like Batman and the Punisher, who overtly operate outside the law. Sometimes, a superhero has to function in an environment where they're branded a criminal for the wrong reasons.

That is Alex Summers' situation in Astonishing X-men. Now that he's not inverted anymore from the events of AXIS, he's attempting to rebuild his superhero credibility. His timing is actually really good, in some respects. With both his brother, Cyclops, and Captain America also having to salvage their reputations due to events like Secret Empire and Avengers vs. X-men, he's following ongoing trend among heroes. With the way things play out, however, he's going in the wrong direction and it's not entirely his fault.

Matthew Rosenberg and Greg Land give Havok plenty of opportunities to channel his brother's leadership skills. He manages to assemble a new team of X-men to carry out heroics on their own terms. It's not exactly a team of A-list heavy hitters, though. Between Warpath's attitude in Weapon X and Colossus still recovering from his failed wedding in X-men Gold #30, Havok needs more than just leadership to get them on the same page.

The underlying plot of Astonishing X-men #15 starts off simple. The Reavers are on the loose again and the X-men usually don't have many qualms about fighting Reavers. However, some major complications emerge that would hinder Captain America on his best day. These aren't the traditional, mutant-hunting Reavers the X-men are used to. They're now directly sponsored by the government and operating under the guise of law enforcement. Given the government's tenuous history with policing mutants, it's only shocking that they didn't resort to killer cyborgs sooner.

This immediately puts Havok and his new team are already behind the curve. Their confrontation with these state-sanctioned Reavers goes so badly that even Kitty Pryde has dissociated the X-men from Alex's team. Logistically speaking, they can't even call themselves X-men. In the eyes of both the law and their friends, they're not superheroes operating as criminals. They're just criminals.

This isn't just bad press like the kind Spider-Man deals with every other day. Officially, Havok's team fight and evade government agents. That's both frustrating and jarring because it subverts the X-men's traditional approach to battles. Like Sentinels or evil clones crafted by Sinister, the Reavers are the kinds of enemies that X-men usually battle without a second thought. It's almost like a reflex akin to Captain America saluting the flag or Deadpool making a dirty joke.

The difference this time is that the Reavers are sanctioned by the government. It's not entirely a mutual partnership. The Reavers, led by Donald Pierce, make it abundantly clear that this partnership was imposed. They didn't cooperate with the government out of civic duty. They were essentially drafted into serving and Havok doesn't find that out until it's too late.

This creates an unusual, but interesting backdrop to the conflict. There's no mind control or inverted personalities at work here. The only alteration to the X-men/Reaver clash is that the Reavers are now operating under the whim of the authorities. Even if they do it unwillingly, they're still technically government operatives and Havok's team fought them. From a legal perspective, they assaulted agents of law enforcement. That's not what heroes do. That's what criminals do.

It's less about the ethics of heroism and more about the bureaucracy surrounding it. Any team of heroes, be they X-men or Avengers, can take down all the cyborg assassins they want. Both the public and those in government will gladly cheer them on. However, as soon as those same cyborg assassins start operating with the government's seal of approval, those cheers turned to outrage.

It puts Havok in an unusual predicament. He wants to redeem himself. Instead, he and his new team find themselves on the wrong end of the law and public opinion. The media doesn't frame the story as the X-men heroically defeating the Reavers before they can harm innocent mutants. They report it as a group of rogue mutant terrorists battling government forces.

Technically, that's not some misleading headline on the front page of the Daily Bugle. That actually happens, forcing Havok and his new team to lay low. That doesn't work either, though. The Reavers still find them, which means they have to defend themselves. Doing so means fighting back, but that only compounds the problem because they're still fighting government officials.

It's a no-win situation for Havok. Unlike his older brother, he doesn't have a boy scout reputation to fall back on. People may question a news story that claims Captain America sucker-punched a police officer, but they're less inclined to doubt that Cyclops' less capable brother did something awful, especially after being inverted for so long. He even acknowledges how bad it gets, escaping to a bar frequented by other colorful criminals. It seems every conceivable force is working against Havok's efforts to redeem himself and for once, that's not just brooding.

It's not completely hopeless. Rosenberg never lets the tone of the story get too bleak. Havok still gets a chance to do his brother proud, hatching a plan towards the end that requires him to embrace his new criminal connotations to some extent. It's bold, but fitting approach. Given how the plot is almost framed, it feels necessary.

That also feels like a flaw, of sorts, because neither Havok nor his team really have much choice along the way. There's never a sense that they have any agency in how they impact the plot. The same goes for the Reavers, as well. Having that government label really limits their agenda to serving whoever has the right emblems on their uniform.

Even with those limits, Astonishing X-men #15 succeeds in presenting Havok with a daunting, yet novel challenge on his path to redemption. Just forming a new team of X-men and following his brother's example isn't enough. He has to operate as a criminal in order to become the hero he wants to be. His brother would be proud, but probably just as frustrated.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Trials, Tribulations, and Chaotic Sub-Plots: Uncanny X-men #600

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #600, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

After 50 years of convoluted continuity, pretty much every member of the X-men could be put on trail for something. Wolverine alone would get multiple life sentences for the number of people he's stabbed, Gambit would probably get more than a few years for all the crap he's stolen over the years, and Emma Frost would definitely be fined for indecent exposure. Like many superheroes, we tend to give the X-men more legal leeway than most. They don't get the OJ Simpson treatment, but they are held to a higher standard.

When one of them fails to meet that standard, it's often other X-men who will come down on one another harsher than anyone outside a Texas courthouse. Like other superhero teams and certain message boards, they tend to be selective with their outrage. They'll gladly overlook Jean Grey killing 5 billion aliens while drunk on Phoenix power, but they'll brutally condemn Cyclops for killing one man while drunk on that same power. It's petty on a level not seen outside the LAPD, but it's also the driving force behind much of Brian Michael Bendis' run on X-men. And with Uncanny X-men #600, this run is set to conclude.

But what makes this conclusion intriguing is that it has less to do with judging Cyclops and more to do with judging Hank McCoy. While the judgment on Cyclops has been played out more than the Hangover sequels, the judgment against Hank McCoy has been building. He was the one who brought the Original Five X-men to the present. And he flat out admitted during the Black Vortex event that he knew this was wrong. As anyone lawyer defending a Spring Break party gone bad can attest, intent does matter.

So what does this mean for him and the X-men as a whole? In Uncanny X-men #600, we get partial answers. There's no car chase in a Ford White Bronco, but there's a sense that justice was at least entertained, even if it wasn't served. Justice is a central theme to the story, but that story is somewhat muddled because Bendis rushes to address as many loose ends as he can. This leads to an uneven narrative. In some cases, it's a detriment to overall story.

The story itself is well-organized. It's based entirely around the X-men coming together to confront Beast about the crimes that he himself admits are so egregious. It's built around the same structure as an episode of Intervention, minus the overly scripted melodrama that A&E demands. Even Beast's younger self participates. And when a time-displaced version of yourself is against you, that's when you know you screwed up.

While this confrontation is powerful and relevant, it's frequently interrupted by various flashbacks that address Bendis' many loose ends. There's a plot with Magik and Kitty Pryde confronting Colossus. There's one with the Original Five X-men agreeing to go their separate ways. There's also one where Iceman's sexuality is finally confronted. These are all relevant sub-plots in that they're stories that Bendis has explored. However, that relevance is sometimes obscured. In some cases, it falls flat on its face.

That's not an indictment of Bendis' writing. It's more a byproduct of having to resolve so many loose threads. It's like trying to perform brain surgery while doing your taxes. It's juggling too many complicated issues at once. It shows in the sub-plot with Magik, Kitty Pryde,and Colossus. If there was any drama or tension between them, it was shrugged off in the same way Wolverine shrugs off a bar tab.

This was even more egregious in the sub-plot with the Original Five X-men. While Bendis does make an effort to connect this moment with recent events in All-New X-men, he essentially swings at a wild pitch. He takes the feelings and emotions of these characters and effectively twists them in ways that feel contrived and forced. In some cases, they come off as downright petty. While teenagers can be forgiven for being affected by the rigors of time travel, the effects here just come off as insincere. Even Marty McFly would roll his eyes.

That's not to say that all the sub-plots are mishandled. The highlight of the issue that didn't involve Hank McCoy getting legally annoyed was Iceman confronting his sexuality. This was a story that made national news and the way it's dealt with here feels genuine and sincere. There's a very real, very relevant undertone to this moment, one that those who have struggled with their sexuality can relate to. Since the X-men have often been metaphors for minorities, this feels especially appropriate in a landmark issue like Uncanny X-men #600. It couldn't be more appropriate without a Lady Gaga song playing in the background.

Having one solid sub-plot still doesn't make up for the overall sentiment that the trial of Hank McCoy feels incomplete. While there's plenty of outrage and tension, not much comes of it. Hank McCoy gets upset. His fellow X-men show concern. That's about it. Nobody gets taken away in handcuffs. Nobody calls their lawyer. It's still relevant as a story, but only in the sense that the first 20 minutes of CSI is a relevant story.

This issue still conveys a sense that this is a major milestone for Uncanny X-men as a series. Much of that sense comes courtesy of Cyclops, who has been the catalyst for so much tension and so much of Beast's outrage. What he does helps put mutants as a whole into the perfect context. They are a minority in a world that doesn't have a good track record with treating minorities well. This is what the X-men have always represented and convoluted plots about time travel, cosmic forces, and evil clones shouldn't change that.

While certain moments feel fitting and appropriate, they are like bits of bacon on to of a pile of under-cooked beans. They are not enough to make Uncanny X-men #600 feel like a complete, concise story. It still feels too rushed and too contrived. If this were a real trial, it would be a mistrial or a bad episode of Judge Judy. For a milestone issue like this, some thing just cannot and should not be rushed.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #600: Nuff Said!

Can a comic that's been delayed for six months and already been partially spoiled still be awesome? Like the origins of a cheap hot dog, that's one of those questions that nobody wants to have to answer. Sadly, that's the question that has to be answered with Uncanny X-men #600. This was supposed to be a big, landmark issue. It was supposed to cap off Brian Michael Bendis' run on both Uncanny X-men and All-New X-men. Then, it was delayed. Then, it got delayed again. And surprise! It got delayed again. Now, Bendis has already started his run on Invincible Iron Man. The aftermath of Secret Wars has already been partially spoiled. And the relevance of Uncanny X-men #600 is on part with Rob Schneider's acting career.

Even so, I'm going to review it. I'm going to try and shut out the shitty circumstances that come with delays. It might mean smoking an extra joint or chugging a few extra beers, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the wonderful folks who support the X-men Supreme blog. And this issue concerns the Trial of Hank McCoy. So yeah, I love you people that much.

But before the trial, there has to be an intervention. The X-men don’t do cops, handcuffs, and jail cells. Well, Emma Frost might do handcuffs, but that’s about it. The X-men, including Cyclops’ revolutionaries, all get together to let Beast know that they care about him and they don’t like that he’s become an omega level douche-bag. Even his time-displaced self is there. And you know you done fucked up and been fucked sideways when your past self isn’t on your side. That’s something A&E can never capture. But make no mistake, if they could make a reality show out of that, they would. Personally, I might actually watch it if Hank McCoy ever got an hour-long special.

Beast reacts the same way most crack heads in withdraw would react. He’s pissed. Good. He should be pissed. He’s just lucky the space-time continuum isn’t a bitter ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, he’d be really fucked. The X-men gave Cyclops a collective middle finger for murdering one man while drunk on the Phoenix Force. They didn’t even give him the benefit of a trial. Hank McCoy may have fucked the entire timeline and he did it as sober as a Mormon on Sunday. And yet he still bitches about Cyclops’ crimes? Even Ted Haggart would be disgusted by that kind of hypocrisy.

As much as I enjoy watching Beast squirm like Wesley Snipes during a tax audit, there are a lot of sub-plots connecting to this moment. Most of them have absolutely jack shit to do with the trail of Hank McCoy. But I guess they’re supposed to address the dangling plot holes that Bendis has accumulated during his run. That or Marvel thinks watching Beast squirm isn’t entertaining enough. I think they underestimate themselves in that respect.

One such sub-plot involves Colossus meeting up with Kitty Pryde. This is the first time they’ve met since Kitty Pryde shacked up with Starlord. Now, this relationship that spanned decades is being ditched in favor of something that’s barely as old as Obamacare. It would be a great moment for these two to confront some lingering emotions and maybe capture some of that passion that made Kitty/Colossus so great. Yeah, it would be.

Of course that’s not what we get. That might actually make sense. That might actually require Kitty Pryde to stay in one place longer the 10 fucking minutes. Instead, we get a reunion between Magik and Colossus. Not that I have anything against that. It’s done fairly well here. But after Colossus said he’s fucking kill her after Avengers vs. X-men, they basically just shrug that shit off. Magik apologizes, but it’s a very general kind of apology. It’s the same apology I would give to someone after they found out I took a shit in their garden. It effectively nullifies any and all post-AvX tension. And yet the X-men still bitch about Cyclops.

The hug was still nice. I’m glad they’re a family again. It just felt…forced. It had all the tension of asking the sales rep at Walmart for a refund. All Kitty Pryde did was just stand there and smile. She didn’t need to be there, but I guess she enjoys watching Beast squirm too so why the fuck not?

We get more Beast-bashing and just like that, I have a boner again. Storm channels her inner Johnny Cochrane and acts as lead prosecutor. I’m pretty sure OJ would’ve been both fucked and horny if she had been against him. Emma also gets in on the act. And pretty much everything they say is true. Beast has none of the excuses Cyclops has. He can’t blame the Phoenix. He can’t blame evil clones and psychotic ex-wives. He did what he did and didn’t give three-tenths of a shit, even when others tried to bring it up. Again, can someone explain to me why they still give Cyclops so much shit?

Enter another side-plot. But this one is actually relevant and meaningful. It has to do with Iceman’s sexuality. Now I know there are some who wonder just how relevant and meaningful that is. When have we ever cared where Iceman wants to put his penis? But revealing him as gay is still a big fucking deal. It’s not a bullshit retcon on the same level as the Maximoff twins, but it’s still something worth confronting.

And that’s exactly what O5 Iceman does, with help from O5 Jean Grey. It makes for a powerful moment, one where O5 Iceman channels his inner Lady Gaga and says he’s going to embrace his love of dick. It puts Iceman in a very difficult position, one that is full of emotional depth. This is what the Colossus/Kitty Pryde moment should’ve been. Fans of Iceman, equality, and ass-less chaps should rejoice and bring a box of tissues.

While there’s plenty of feels, there’s also some laughs. As soon as the emotions settle, Iceman starts joking about how hot Angel is. And I’m not gonna lie. Even I think Angel is hot. How Iceman was able to function on the same team as him and hide his boner is a superpower in and of itself. It’s so admirable that O5 Jean is nice enough to give him a psychic hug. There’s even a joke about cold nipples in here somewhere. And if you can’t enjoy jokes about cold nipples, then I have nothing to say to you.

Enter another side-plot. This one will take all those feels from the Iceman scene and turn it into projectile vomit. It starts off innocently enough. The O5 X-men are back chilling in the wilderness, having just dealt with the shit storm over the Utopians. And that’s when O5 Jean decides that she’s leaving the team. She gives a reason, albeit one that stinks of a little bullshit. She’s decided that fighting evil future versions of herself, aliens, and Hydra gets old. So she needs a break. That’s fine. Even the other O5 X-men seem to agree they could stand to do some solo work. I’m sure a guy married to Pamela Anderson still jerks off.

Then it gets nauseating…really nauseating. Seriously, if you just ate, take some pepto. Because this is when Bendis decides it’s a good idea to resurrect that bullshit sub-plot with O5 Jean and O5 Beast. Seriously, even George W. Bush would say that’s a shitty idea. O5 Beast tries to run off, whining how his older self just fucked over the team. Then, O5 Jean just up and says she’s “fond” of him. And without any development, even by X-men Forever standards, they kiss again. And this time, O5 Cyclops is there to see it. Because I guess fucking over Cyclops has yet to get old.

This is especially shitty because in recent issues, O5 Jean and O5 Cyclops were getting closer again. And at no point during O5 Cyclops’ departure in space did she try to set something up with him. She even kissed fucking Miles Morales during that time. And O5 Cyclops had a chance to hook up with a sweet alien girl in Vileena, but didn’t because he still loved Jean. And this is how she fucking repays him? Seriously, there aren’t enough WTFs in the Marvel multiverse to cover this shit.

It’s so utterly fucked that I actually found it difficult to enjoy the verdict in Beast’s trial. In the end, not much comes of it. Like an amateur male porn star who jumps the gun during a scene, the climax is really premature. Beast just loses his shit, blames Cyclops again for his actions, and storms out. Really, that’s all that happens in this trial. There hasn’t been a less meaningful trial outside a Judge Judy rerun. But at the very least, Beast is out of the picture. So he’s no longer around to keep bitching and moaning about Cyclops. So it’s not like it was a total waste.

Since there’s a mistrial, there’s one more plot hole to fill. This one involves Cyclops, also known as the embodiment of Beast’s rage-boner. The X-men find out there’s something going on in Washington DC and it’s attracting mutants from all over the world. Sensing this could be one of those instances where killer robots are as likely as rain in Seattle, they decide to head over to see what’s going on. It’s probably a good thing Beast didn’t go. His rage boner would’ve killed him on the spot.

They show up just in time for Cyclops to channel his inner Dr. King. He’s somehow managed to get every mutant in the world to assemble in Washington DC to show the world that mutants could assemble peacefully without giant robots attacking. And before you scoff at the notion of X-men not attracting giant robots, keep your nuts in your pants and observe. No killer robots showed up. No explosions are happening. This is a true, peaceful assembly of mutants. And it’s Cyclops who organizes it.

It’s the greatest act of unity that mutants have shown as a species since they all agreed that the third X-men movie sucked. Even Magneto shows up and admits that Xavier would’ve approved of this. None of the X-men bitch and moan this time, probably because Beast isn’t there. They’re all generally on board and I imagine all the female telepaths really want to fuck Cyclops right now. This is probably the best, most appropriate outcome he could’ve hoped for.

And what does Beast think of all this? I’m not a telepath, but I can sense him projecting the butt-hurt at levels that would give Charles Xavier himself a cerebral hemorrhage. He packs up his shit and then he meets with Tempus, who informs him that this is part of the general time-traveling clsuterfucks that she’s been tracking. She also implies that this might not be the end of his trial? I say good because he’s leaving without anyone wanting to throw him in prison. He didn’t give Cyclops that courtesy so why should he get it?

So...is it awesome?

Whether you're sober as a Mormon or drunk as an Irish dock worker, the answer to this question is the same...it depends. Nothing really comes of Hank McCoy's trial/intervention/shaming. They talk. He gets pissed. He storms off. That's about it. And the sub-plots surrounding the O5, Kitty, and Colossus have the same impact as a kick in the balls by Hulk Hogan. The plot with O5 Jean and O5 Beast will make you want to vomit. The plot with O5 Iceman and his older self will make you want to squee. It's a mixed bag, a fucked up a cross between a hangover and a blowjob.

There were a lot of elements to Bendis' run that deserved closure. Some of those elements in this issue really screwed the pooch and pissed in the litter box. But it still had its moments. Some of those moments felt downright appropriate. Others felt like something that would give the Hulk a migraine. I can't say Bendis' run on X-men has been the second coming of Chris Claremont, but it's not the second coming of Chuck Austin either. And without the aid of better weed, that's all I can say about Uncanny X-men #600.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

All New X-men #15 Cover (Warning: Will Make You Sick)

I try not to give much stock to covers of comics. I know they're basically just a miniature billboard from companies that say, "Hey! Buy me no matter how shitty the contents may be!" But every now and then a cover comes along that is too sickening to ignore. Case and point, All New X-men #15

I just threw up through my eyes.

Yeah, that's Beast and Jean. I'm disgusted too. I've imagined many sick things while jerking off while high on blow. But this is too sick. I've got nothing against Beast. I've got nothing against Jean Grey. But them together is just wrong and that's coming from a drunk that swallowed a piece of already chewed cum that he took from a strippers snatch.

This is what the soliciation says:

ALL-NEW X-MEN #15
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W) • DAVID LAFUENTE (A)
Cover by STUART IMMONEN
• Love is in the air!
• Cyclops heart and future start to fade before his eyes.
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$3.99

So basically, it amounts to Bendis torturing O5 Cyclops. All those years of him banging Emma Frost and karma has to come back to fuck with him at some point. That said, this is the kind of shit I worried about when All New X-men was announced. By fucking with the time stream, Bendis could continue the trend of writers having utter disdain for established relationships like Cyclops/Jean or Peter/Mary Jane. Throwing two characters together like this isn't just wrong. It's the kind of shit that makes you think less of people, both fictional and otherwise. Beast knows Jean is in a fucked up place and he knows outright that Cyclops loves her. Hooking up with Jean would be a dick move on par with fucking up the space time continuum. Not only that, he was the same asshole yelling at Cyclops in the first issue of All New X-men.

In addition, this issue is supposed to be the issue where O5 Jean finally confronts Rachel Grey according to Bendis. We don't know what that meeting will entail, but given how shit like this has been avoided it would be pretty fucked up if it got glossed over. However, Marvel has a talent for glossing over shit that boarders insanity so I wouldn't put anything past them.

Maybe these are just my own fucked up tastes, but this kiss along with an issue dedicated to breaking Cyclops's heart sounds like the kind of shit that would undo all the good that All New X-men has done under Bendis since it began. And that would be a fucking tragedy on the level of the Hindenburg. I can only take some comfort in the knowledge that covers can often be deceptive.

Suck it, KKK!

Yeah, this is the best recent example. That kiss is very misleading in that it didn't exactly happen the way you think. I could go into details, but I'm too drunk and I still have vomit on my shirt. But there was also this.

Suck it, Hefner!

This amounted to nothing as well. And in the long run it did jack shit. I hope this is the case with this cover and I hope Bendis won't take the One More Day approach with Jean Grey. We already saw how shitty that can turn out in the pages of X-men Forever, a series that got canceled early. For a series on the level of All New X-men, we don't need that kind of bullshit. Nuff said!

Beast Update: Marvel Confirms Cat-Beast is Gone for Good!

I know I've belabored this point more than Glenn Beck belabors Nazi comparisons, but I feel the need to throw in one last detail to Beast's new look, as was revealed in All New X-men #5. It's not enough that he finally has ditched the piss poor cat-Beast look that set Thundercats cos-playing back a decade. It only counts if it lasts. Well in CBR's weekly Axel-In-Charge column, Marvel Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso gave us confirmation that they're not going to One More Day this shit!

Axel In Charge: The Marvel U's "Cosmic" 2013

Let me ask you about something Brian did this past week with Stuart Immonen -- redesign the of Beast in "All-New X-Men." This has got to be one of the top message board and convention topics I've seen over the past ten years: do you love or hate cat-Beast. How did you guys decide to finally change that up?

Alonso: It come as no surprise to us that this has become a hotly debated topic amongst fans -- because it was hotly debated amongst us!

[X-Men Group Editor] Nick Lowe absorbed a lot of body punches for his strident defense of "Cat Beast" at two editorial summits! [Laughs] Ultimately, Beast's redesign made sense in the context of Brian's story, so we did it.

And can we assume that this is status quo for a while going forward? Even if people complain as much as they did about the cat design?

Alonso: Yeah, it's status quo.

So there you have it! Cat Beast is gone! Rest in Pieces Cat Beast! We never liked you. Nuff said!

All New X-men #5 Follow-Up By Newsarama And Preview Page

I normally don't follow up reviews because I either don't have the time or don't have the necessary access to hard liquor. But for a series like All New X-men, I'll gladly make an exception and do the chicken dance in a mud pit at a cock fight because the book has been that awesome. I recently gave All New X-men #5 a 4 out of 5 in my review. A substantial part of that high score came from Brian Michael Bendis and Stuart Immonen doing what should have been done nearly 10 fucking year ago. And for once, I'm not talking about Jean Grey.

When I (and most X-men fans I would argue) think of Hank McCoy, an image like this comes to mind:

That's the Beast that's been around since disco was still in vogue and cocaine was cheaper and more readily available in a Miami nightclub. When you look at that, you see a real man-Beast. A half-man, half-ape creature with an intellect that's akin to the bastard offspring of Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan. That's the Beast I know and love. He's a lovable yet feral character who offers a striking balance between the civilized man and the primal beast, but unlike Wolverine isn't an asshole about it.

But for the past decade or so, this is the Beast most people have been getting:

That, my friends, is not a beast. That is a bad Thundercats cos-player that lost a bar bet. Most know him as Cat-Beast. I've often called him pussy-Beast, not just because he looks like something a cat would shit on. But mostly because he's been a insufferable douche-bag since he took that form. All he's done is constantly whine about Cyclops's mistakes. It's all "Cyclops is meanie! Cyclops keeps secrets! Cyclops gets to bang a hot blonde while I'm stuck with a hot yet moody half-woman/half-alien with green hair!" And through all this whining and bitching, has he ever offered a single alternative? Has he ever actually attempted to do something about the shit he complains about? Fuck no! Why? Because he's a pussy! Both literally and figuratively.

For this reason, I was extremely happy to see Brian Bendis and Stuart Immonen ditch that stupid cat-look for a look that makes him more like a fucking Beast ought to look.

It's not perfect. That hair style looks like something I Donald Trump would try to trademark, but it's a billion times better than being an overgrown pussy. And Brian Bendis has not hid his love for ape-Beast as opposed to pussy Beast. Granted, he's a bit more polite about it than I am, but that's probably because someone waters down his booze. In a recent interview about All New X-men #5, editor Nick Lowe talked about how he drank the wrong kind of booze altogether and favored Cat-Beast. But he eventually came around. That or Bendis's bald head hypnotized him into going along with it. Probably a combination of the two.

Newsarama: Spoiler Sport - Behind All New X-men's Big Character Change

Newsarama: Nick! You're well-established as one of the — if not the — biggest Cat Beast fans out there, and it looks like that version of Hank McCoy is no more as of this week's All-New X-Men #5. What motivated the change? And were you personally resistant to it?

Nick Lowe: Albert! Great to be back on Newsarama. I’m a big Beast fan, period. I do love the Cat Beast look, as not only do I think that he looks more like a “beast” in that look rather than the classic Gil Kane/George Perez/etc... rendition but I pretty much love every line Frank Quitely has put on paper, so...

Anyway, we would often get in big disagreements (by we, I mean me and most of the room) at editorial retreats about Cat Beast vs. Ape Beast. Also, the old design doesn’t look like an ape! Anyway, my resistance was against reverting to the older version because I thought that the more beastly looking works better for the actual character. But since this is a new, still beastly design and not just a furry guy with big hair, I was all in! But my passion on the subject does open me up to lots of ridicule. But that’s OK, I’m the youngest of three in my family so I’m used to that.

...

Newsarama: Of course, Beast's change appears to be more than just a makeover. How important is the new look going to be to Beast's character going forward? (He certainly seemed happy about it.) And given history, do you see a visual shift every 10, 12 years or so as a fundamental part of the character at this point?

Lowe: Beast’s happiness had more to do, I think, with the not-dying, but he does seem delighted by the change. I think that has more to do with his scientific curiosity, but that may just be Cat-Beast-Fan-Me rationalizing.

No clue if it’ll be an ongoing cycle for the character, but I do love that thought. The scientist who experiments on himself never learning not to do that.

In addition, we even got a brief preview of a future issue of All New X-men that shows Beast enjoying his new look.

I can go on and on about how awesome All New X-men is, but we all know the Original Five aren't going to stay in the present forever. Hell, Marvel may decide to kill Jean Grey again once they feel they feel like pissing off a certain fanbase again. Fuck, everything they do could be completely undone down the line with a simple mind wipe or another time travel gimmick. But if Hank McCoy's new look stays, the series will still have succeeded on some levels. And for that, I deem All New X-men awesome on an entirely new level. Nuff said!

Avengers #26 - Suicide Missions Can Be Awesome

There was once a time when I reviewed a greater variety of comics on this blog. There was also once a time when I didn't drink before nine in the morning, but circumstances change and so do people. What doesn't change is the annoying fact that God was too lazy to make the days longer or at least set another day of rest aside so that there was more time to review comics. But I'm not about to argue with God. He already cursed me by giving me a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to run both. He also cursed me with only one liver that can barely get the job done. Never-the-less, I did my best to review many different comics until the time came where I just couldn't reasonably deliver and still have enough time to get sufficiently drunk. That is why this blog has been exclusively reviewing X-men comics for months now. Plus, it's called X-men Supreme. I hoped that part would be obvious.

However, changing circumstances require that even drunks adapt. Avengers vs. X-men is an event that spans more than just the X-books. The events of this series have crossed a myriad of titles, including the regular Avengers titles. Now I don't talk about them much on this blog because again, it's called fucking X-men Supreme. However, I do keep up with them. Brian Michael Bendis has been the top dog on the Avengers books for a while and for the most part, the guy whose balls were big enough to kill Ultimate Spider-Man have carried this series. But now like the X-books, the events of Avengers vs. X-men have caught up with it.

This leads to a particular aspect of the Avengers vs. X-men story that hasn't been addressed all that much in the main series or the X-books, yet it was clearly established in the first issue. If you're sober enough to remember that far back, you should remember that before Captain America ventured to Utopia to calmly discuss with Cyclops the treat posed by the Phoenix (which is not unlike the way George W. Bush calmly discussed with Saddam Hussein his questionable regime in Iraq) he sent a team of Avengers into space to intercept the Phoenix. Well that story hasn't been overlooked. It just hasn't been told on the books that I've been sober enough to review. Well I'm in between bottles of whiskey, so I might as well step outside the traditions of this blog in the same way I often step outside the traditions of my country's drug laws. Except this time, I hope it doesn't end with me getting sodomized in a New Mexico county jail.

Avengers #26 takes the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and follows them into that cold, dark bitch we know as deep space (or Ann Coulter's vagina depending on the context). It begins by briefly expanding upon the scene with Captain America and the space team he assembled. He doesn't mince words, which might have saved him an optic blast to the head in confronting Cyclops. He tells them they're going up against a cosmic force that looks upon them with the same callousness as an elephant looks at the undigested seeds in it's shit. He calls it a suicide mission, but one they really need them to go on because they need to buy time. It may sound pointless and reckless, but when you know you're about to get flash fried by a cosmic bird you gotta take a few chances and be a bit of a douche.

Like anyone about to go on a suicide mission, there are two inclinations. One is to go on the bender to end all benders in Las Vegas with a stolen credit card from a absent minded hedge fund manager. The other is to hunt down your favorite gal pal and try to squeeze in a last minute romp and maybe see if you can convince her to try anal one last time. Noh-Varr, aka the Protector, decides to do the latter minus the anal (or so it seems). He meets up with his girl, Annie, who looks like the kind of girl you find in a biker bar and who gets her labia pierced on a dare. So why wouldn't she date a Kree? But like any girlfriend, she gets upset when she find out her boyfriend is going on a suicide mission and not even giving her enough notice to extract an expensive date from it. I don't know how vindictive Annie is. She appears to be much more forgiving than most of my exes, who always used that "the world is ending" routine as an excuse to run up my credit card debt.

Thankfully, Brian Michael Bendis is a lot more tasteful than any shitty meal my ex-girlfriends ever ordered. The Protector offers Annie his sincere affection and even does a nice little light show for her as they kiss, without slipping her a tab of acid no less. Leave it to an alien to upstage over 95 percent of us normal men in our never-ending efforts to get laid. It's still a relatively sweet moment. It doesn't have the same emotional impact of more notable Marvel relationships. These two are a long ways from being Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Give the Protector a chance to make a deal with the devil and maybe it'll be more gripping. For now, it's just something to put a smile on your face before shit starts blowing up.

And shit does blow up and not just because of the Phoenix. The initial attack already played out in the pages of Secret Avengers, another book I didn't have the time or blood-alcohol content to review. You don't need to know much other than it failed miserably. Apparently, flying head first into the teeth of a pissed off cosmic entity isn't the best strategy. It's like running into boxing ring naked with a target on your scrotum. You're not going to last long. For some reason, this upsets Beast. Even though he's dealt with the Phoenix before and should be the least surprised among everyone that they got their asses kicked, he still sees fit to destroy what is probably some very expensive piece of Avengers equipment. This is the same guy that criticized Cyclops for acting irrationally. Go figure.

But they're not quite ready to just admit they're specks in the Phoenix's shit just yet. The Protector, most likely emboldened from swapping a little spit with his girlfriend beforehand, helps Beast with his analysis and comes up with a potential strategy. The Phoenix Force is a power that doesn't operate under the traditional rules of physics, even by comic book standards. It rips through the universe and scoffs at the laws of physics in the same way Newt Gingrich scoffs as the parts of the bible that condemn adultery. So they need something else that makes Einstein roll over in his grave, namely Thor's hammer. The mystical metal, Uru, already has some pretty exotic properties. The Protector theorizes that they can use some of that mystical potential to wound or even contain parts of the Phoenix. I'm tempted to say it's a long shot, but when you're dealing with the Phoenix Force a plan to use Thor's hammer is as much a long shot as having every being in the universe spit on it.

Despite having been roughed up in the first battle, Thor pulls his Asgardian ass together for round two. What follows next is cosmic onslaught between Thor and the Phoenix Force. You've got an actual demigod against a cosmic force armed with power that would turn most solar systems into salad dressing fighting one another. It sounds epic and guess what? It is! For several solid pages, it's every bit the battle you imagine it would be.

Now we've all had those arguments in the school yard with the kid who likes to eat his own boogers. We argue endlessly on what would happen if two comic book characters fought/teamed up/fucked/or had a baby. I normally stuck to the arguments that involved who would fuck who and how fucked up their fucking would be. But occasionally, I argued about how epic certain battles would be. The Phoenix Force and Thor are a couple of characters that definitely came up on more than one occasion and without the need to sniff the glue. I won't say that the scene that unfolds in this comic is exactly how I imagined it (I often imagine the Phoenix with bigger boobs), but it's pretty damn close!

It's by far the most satisfying part of the issue and unlike before, it doesn't end with a horribly lopsided victory for cosmic forces. Thor actually manages to wound the Phoenix somewhat if that term even applies. He actually proved the Protector's theory right. He was able to capture and contain some of the Phoenix Force's energy in what is the equivalent of a Ghostbuster's backpack. For a moment it seems like there's actual hope in this struggle. There may not actually be a need to throw a phoney Jean Grey into the teeth of this cosmic parrot. Of course, that shit would make too much sense. It turns out the Protector isn't too interested in preventing the planet from being charred like a buffalo wing. Even though his gal pal is there, he's still a Kree and when the Kree come across great energy they gravitate towards it like a fat man to a Dairy Queen. That means the issue ends with the Protector screwing them over, taking the contained piece of the Phoenix Force and preparing to return to the Kree Empire. It's like paying a hooker to knock your junk around and then stealing her purse after you're finished.

While I've never been nearly as passionate about the Avengers comics as I have the X-men comics, I do consider them a guilty pleasure from time to time. They're usually the books I read when I don't feel like getting worked up into frenzy after downing one too many shots of tequila. I'm sure it's different for those who see the Avengers in the same way that I see the X-men, but for this issue and the Avengers vs. X-men as a whole I think we can come together in a moment of harmony. We're not the Crips and Bloods making peace or anything. The stories in our respective books are entwined for this event and Brian Michael Bendis accomplishes this with the same seamless efficiency that others such as Kieron Gillen and Jason Aaron have managed.

This issue really expands on the more cosmic elements of this event. While much of the conflict is centered around Hope and the threat facing Earth, the universe is still a big fucking place even in the pages of a comic. This event should take some time to add a few cosmic elements and it definitely works here. The Protector is in the most awkward position because he's not just about saving the planet where his fuck buddy resides. He's got some baggage with the Kree and why shouldn't he? The Kree have a history of sticking their alien dicks in the business of humanity and when a cosmic force like the Phoenix takes interest, why shouldn't they take interest as well? It makes for some nice drama on top of the cosmic battle between Thor and the Phoenix Force. The only major issue is that the emotions were a bit light, even in the end when the Protector gave his friends a royal fuck you. It didn't have much impact when it probably could have, but given the history of the Kree I guess it shouldn't be too surprising. It's like finding out that Nigerian Prince that promised to marry you in exchange for your credit card information turned out to be a fraud.

Avengers #26 was probably the most fun I've had reading an Avengers comic in quite some time. Marvel has really done all the right things in tying other series into Avengers vs. X-men. I honestly can't remember the last time any comic company did such a good job of making the tie-ins fit together so nicely, but then again I can barely remember the last time I didn't pass out drunk next to a dumpster on St. Patrick's Day so what do I know? Well I do know that Brian Michael Bendis deserves praise for making this comic both awesome and relevant to the greater AvX tapestry. For that I give Avengers #26 a 4.5 out of 5. Space is one big unforgiving motherfucker, but when the Phoenix Force is involved expect even suicide missions to suck in ways that make every hangover you've ever had seem tame. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #8 - Beastile Awesome

I tend to be harsh on certain characters, but I try to make sure my drunken anger is reserved only for those who deserve it. Characters like Dr. Doom, Sinister, and Rick Santorum deserve it because they're inherently evil. But for the characters that are supposedly heroes, like say Hank McCoy, the standards are a little higher and the drunken anger is that much more drunk. And as I've pointed out on many previous reviews, Beast is more than deserving of the kind of drunken rage reserved for underpaid Irish dock workers. He's been a supreme douche-bag going all the way back to the Utopia arc. He pissed and moaned about Cyclops crossing too many lines. Never mind that doing so yielded mutants their own country and helped them beat Bastion. Never mind that Beast offered no fucking alternatives aside from "I don't approve and I'm just going to be mad at you because I can!" He claims to be smart, but he's not smart enough to do anything but whine. And all he's done since joining Wolverine's side at the Jean Grey Institute is play the role of a glorified handy man.

Now some of my drunken rage may or may not be warranted, but I'm always willing to give a character like Beast a chance to redeem himself. In fact, I welcome it. He's one of the Original Five. He's got more brains in his pinkie finger than I have in ten different heads. I'd love it if somehow he could get a story where he's at least somewhat redeemed. Well he finally has a chance in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. This series has been a top notch provider of awesome so pure that if you injected it into your arm you would die of an overdoes, but die with a raging hard-on and a big fucking smile. It has told the story of the Jean Grey Institute and how it is trying to survive in a post-Schism world where a bunch of homicidal kids are intent on killing them. So far, they've had to contend with phony pregnancies, alien infections, financial problems, killer islands, and alien casinos. If ever there was a more appropriate, albeit fucked up, medium for Beast to redeem himself it's this.

At the end of the first arc for Wolverine and the X-men, there was a brief shot of the Hellfire Kids after they were unceremoniously beaten after trying to throw an army of monsters at the institute. Since kids like to whine and moan when they don't get their way, they decided to do what's logical in the mind of a pre-teen. They make friends with a homicidal killer in Sabretooth. That's right! The guy who got fucking decapitated in the pages of Wolverine came back before Jean Grey came back and without the fucking Phoenix Force no less. There isn't a universe big enough to list all the ways that shit is fucked up. However, he has been making trouble in the Wolverine comics lately and shacking up with Mystique (who can blame him?). Now he's back in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, giving the Hellfire Kids a quick lesson on how to ruthlessly torment their enemies. Now I'm inclined to believe that kids don't need to be told how to be monsters these days, but Sabretooth is one of those guys who can add a personal touch to being a villain. He encourages them to go for the heart and not just throw monsters at the problem. And you know what? He's right! It's refreshing to see a man like Sabretooth assist the youth of the world in becoming accomplished sociopaths.

Sabretooth's desire to maim Wolverine and his school couldn't have come at a better time. The dust from the previous arc has yet to settle. part of said dust involved Wolverine getting his fucking legs broken for trying to cheat an alien casino. That doesn't sound like much until you remember that Wolverine has adamantium bones. Joe Pesci on a meth high armed with a light sabre couldn't have broken his bones, but somehow these aliens did. Beast is understandably perplexed/curious. He says he needs some sort of matter transmutator to help heal his bones. But until then, Wolverine will have to do his best Charles Xavier impression and wheel around in a wheelchair with legs that look like pretzels. Fuck, what is it with the headmasters of mutant institutes that has them end up in wheelchairs? What happened to the good old days when being an administrator only meant the occasional piss in your coffee?

In order to get the necessary tech he needs, Beast decides to pay a visit to SWORD. They deal with aliens all the time and it's a given that they probably confiscate some kick-ass alien tech the same way cops confiscate some blow from drug dealers and share it with some hookers they arrested. Since Beast is currently boning the head of SWORD, Abigail Brand, he gets in the institute's handy space shuttle and takes off while Wolverine is stuck in a wheelchair. All the while Sabretooth is plotting to take advantage of this. During this interval, it's revealed that the conversation with Sabretooth and the Hellfire Kids took place in the recent past. Now it's easy to miss and a little confusing if you're not paying attention or just high (or both). But it is there. It's just way more choppy than it needs to be.

But a plot about Beast making a booty call to his space-faring girlfriend would be too boring for Wolverine and the X-men. The heart of the book is still the students. And like any young students in a school, they find ways to get into trouble. Most settle for just riding around with paintball guns and knocking over mail-boxes. For this round of trouble, Angel decides to start some shit. Why Angel? Who by all accounts has been utterly mind-fucked by the events of the Dark Angel Saga? Well he's going through a bit of a Rick Santorum phase where he thinks he's a real angel meant to carry out the will of god. He's been randomly healing people and acting like every character in a romantic comedy played by Matthew McConaughey. Then when he couldn't heal Wolverine he took it personally and decides to play the role of Angel of Vengeance by traveling to the alien casino planet. It's a very fucked up method of thinking, but then again reason rarely follows religiously motivated vengeance. He doesn't have to go it alone either. Kid Omega and a group of others that include Idie, Broo, Genesis, Kid Gladiator, and Warbird demand to go with him. Kid Gladiator is especially insistent. He's just not happy if he doesn't beat the shit out of someone every day. He's almost like a young Mike Tyson, minus the pigeon obsession.

The kids go off in their twisted space adventure. Meanwhile, Beast prepares to make what should be a simple space booty call to his girlfriend. But when he arrives, he finds out that Sabretooth made himself right at home at SWORD. He started by slaughtering a few hapless SWORD agents and turning them into smears on his spacecraft. He also shows that he has Abigail Brand in a headlock and outside in the vacuum of space no less. He basically dares Beast to take him on in the most hostile environment imaginable. Usually, a man of Hank's IQ would be able to conclude that fighting a sociopath in space that can heal is not a good idea. But the man has his girl. IQ quotients mean dick. So like a good pussy-whipped boyfriend, Beast ventures out into space to take on Sabretooth.

This is the kind of action that Beast hasn't been a part of in nearly a decade. He's been either imprisoned, side-lined, or just fodder in other battles. He's rarely had a personal stake like this, making him seem as relevant as Kathy Griffin in the annuls of X-men. Here, he gets to channel the kind of heroism that made him a member of the Original Five. Now it's still choppy as to how Sabretooth got up into space and overpowered Abigail Brand, but Beast still looks pretty badass for once. So for the first time in my brain damaged memory, I can't come up with a justifiable way to call him a douche-bag.

But even with his girlfriend under threat, he doesn't fare all that well against Sabretooth. He may have the body of a half-man, half-oversized cat but Sabretooth has Weapon X training and routinely practiced kicking ass with Wolverine. Being more brains than balls just doesn't cut it here. Their fight goes from space and crashes through into the SWORD space station, allowing for some gravity assisted ass-kicking. However, Sabretooth has the advantage here and makes good use of it. He not only roughs up Beast. He destroys any nearby space helmets so he can't go after Sabretooth when he leaves him behind to go torture his girl. It's cruel, it's mean, and it's brazen. But it's Sabretooth. Fuck, I didn't realize how much I missed his ugly ass until just now.

While the battle against Sabretooth and Beast is rife with heart-wrenching anger, the battle at the alien casino isn't quite as spectacular. Angel and his fellow students arrive and start randomly picking fights. It's not nearly as well-thought out or well-depicted either. I may just be too drunk, but didn't Angel just want to come to this casino to pay back the guys who broke Wolverine's legs? Or is this just how they decided to skip class? That's not very clear. It would have been okay if the battles were nicely depicted, but they aren't. The only decent moment is when Genesis shows some of his apocalyptic potential and roughs up some of the alien casino thugs. It actually makes for a nice moment between him and Angel, who each reflect on the knowledge that they've had their lives erased and fucked up. Considering their connection, it's ridiculously ironic. It would just be more awesome if the action here was halfway fleshed out.

The battle for Beast's fuck buddy is much more defined. Despite being stuck on the SWORD base with no space helmet, he prepares to go after Sabretooth before he can do a little zero-gravity dissection on Agent Brand. Again, he shows that he has the scrotal strength to go along with his brains. With blatant disregard for his own safety or well-being, he leaps out into the vacuum of space with the understanding that his head may explode and knocks Sabretooth away from his girl. And being a grateful/vindictive woman she is, Brand retrieves Beast and her gun that she had dropped earlier to do a little target practice on Sabretooth. The furball is bloodied, wounded, and blown all the way to the moon. For anyone else, you would consider that excessive. Seeing as how this guy survived getting his head chopped off, it's more than appropriate.

It ends up being a very clean resolution for the X-men, relatively speaking of course. Beast has his girl back and plenty of reasons to guilt her into mountains of makeup sex. The students arrive back at the Jean Grey Institute where Angel reveals that he didn't just go to the casino to rough some people up. He went there to retrieve that transmutator that Beast said he needed to heal Wolverine. It adds some purpose to their little trip, but the poor organization of the fight still made it utterly forgettable. 

What's not as forgettable is the lesson Sabretooth taught the Hellfire kids. Even though he ended up getting his ass blown to the fucking moon, he still proved his point. He showed that the best way to attack an X-man is to hit him in the heart. Now the Hellfire kids are ready to prepare their next attack (after retrieving Sabretooth from orbit of course). With the events of Avengers vs. X-men looking to take hold in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, they'll have plenty of opportunities and Jason Aaron has a twisted enough imagination to make it awesome!

I've been waiting for a story like this. No, I don't mean a story where Sabretooth gets horribly maimed in an excessively brutal way, although that is plenty appealing in it's own right. I mean a story where Beast actually comes off as someone you don't want to kick repeatedly in the balls with steel-toed boots. This story doesn't completely make up for him being such a massive tool in previous stories, but it does help make him more likable. He braved the icy vacuum of space to save his girlfriend from the clutches of a madman. There are guys in this world won't pick their girlfriends up from the airport if it conflicts with a baseball game. You have to respect that. You also have to respect any story that ends with Sabretooth getting his ass shot to the fucking moon.

It was a satisfying issue for anyone looking for Hank McCoy to finally shine in ways that don't involve him being a wise ass. It wasn't quite as satisfying in the way it dealt with the side-plot involving the impromtu field trip by the students. I get the intent. The plot on the alien casino was a lot of fun in the previous arc. Why not return to it and see what other kinds of awesome you can milk from it? It just could have been a bit less random. It still had some nice moments. Seeing Angel and Genesis reflect on the somewhat fucked up nature of their situation was pretty interesting. Since these two were so strongly linked during the Dark Angel Saga, it's makes sense that they would be linked now and there's definitely some potential for story there. That potential is just lost when there's so little purpose behind returning to the casino other than to pick a fight with the pit bosses that threw their asses out.

This issue wasn't terribly epic, but it made for a nice one-shot that offered some nice character moments for Beast, Genesis, and Angel. It also offered a nice opportunity to bloody up Sabretooth, which can make any comic entertaining. It wasn't a story that needed to be told in the form of an arc, but it still worked and worked well. The lack of rhythm in some areas keep it from being as awesome as it could be. However, it accomplished an important feat in making Beast more likable again. For that in conjunction with Jason Aaron's colorful brand of storytelling, I give Wolverine and the X-men #8 a 4 out of 5. Beast is still an asshole until he walks up to Cyclops and admits that it's bullshit to criticize him for making hard decisions without offering viable alternatives that would have turned out better. However, this arc makes him a little less douchy and worthy of not being the butt of every hairy pussy joke. Nuff said!