The New Red Queen Chapter 5: Crowning Achievement is LIVE!

We’re almost there! I’ve been building it up. I’ve been exceedingly thorough with the foreplay. Now, it’s time for the final climax, the grand finale, and whatever other sexy metaphor your inner 13-year-old comes up with. The culmination of yet another sexy side project is finally here. After this, I imagine everyone is going to need a cold shower, a bag of ice, and an economics lecture by Ben Stein to cool down.

I’ve had a lot of fun telling this story, “The New Red Queen.” There’s just something about a sexy side-project involving Mary Jane Watson that’s inherently awesome. She’s a great character who also happens to be sexy as hell. I built a new persona in “Spider-Man and the Prostitute” and I expanded that persona here in “The New Red Queen.” I like to think I’ve laid the foundation for more sexiness down the line. For now, though, I’m content to cap it off in the most satisfying way possible.

The stage is already set. Peter Parker has both Mary Jane Watson and Emma Frost ready, eager, and horny as hell to celebrate this new phase for each of them. Mary Jane Watson is now poised to become the new Red Queen of the Hellfire Club. Now, she’ll have a chance to channel her sexiness through a powerful organization fueled by it. I couldn’t think of a better job for Mary Jane that didn’t involve push-up bras.

What will this mean for her? What will this mean for Spider-Man? What will it mean for Emma Frost in the Hellfire Club? That’s all about to come together, both literally and figuratively. Yes, that’s as immature as it sounds, but it’s also entirely appropriate for a story like this. It involves Mary Jane Watson maximizing her sex appeal with Emma Frost doing her part as well. How can it be anything else besides sexy as hell?

The New Red Queen

Chapter 5: Crowning Achievement

This is the last chapter in this particular story. For now, it’s the capstone on the story I began with “Spider-Man and the Prostitute.” However, the overwhelmingly positive response I’ve gotten for this story has given me more than a few ideas. I haven’t finalized those ideas, but I’m definitely interested in pursuing them. Do you want to see more from this series? Do you want to see more of an overtly sexy Mary Jane Watson as she runs the Hellfire Club? Maybe that’s a loaded question.

Whatever your sentiment, please let me know. Please take the time to review and send feedback. I’m always happy to hear from readers. This is a series that can definitely expand. Want to see Mary Jane Watson service other superheroes? Let me know! Share some ideas! The world can always use more of Mary Jane Watson’s sexiness. This story is just part of my contribution. Enjoy!

The New Red Queen Chapter 4: Jackpots and Dreams is LIVE!

There was once a time when I really rooted for Peter Parker. That has always been part of his appeal. He was crafted as one of those guys you just want to see succeed. He’s always an underdog, getting screwed over at every turn, but still finding a way to fight through. I certainly embraced that appeal. I certainly rooted for him for many years in the comics, cartoons, and movies.

In many respects, this helped make his relationship with Mary Jane Watson so meaningful. After all his struggles and shitty luck, he manages to fall in love with a sexy, charismatic supermodel. It isn’t just that he deserves her. He fucking earned this woman’s love and she fights tooth and nail to cherish it. That’s what made their relationship so strong and endearing. That’s why it ranked as one of my favorite comic book romances for many years.

Sadly, we all know how this iconic relationship ended. We also know how Spider-Man’s story played out after. I could spend a dozen or so blog posts ranting about all the reasons why Peter Parker is total fucking asshat now, but I’ll save that for another time. The point is that it’s just too damn hard to root for Peter Parker. The man now just feels like a glorified man-child who screws himself over so the universe doesn’t have to. That’s not someone you root for. That’s someone you pity.

I still haven’t forgotten about that version of Peter Parker that I so eagerly rooted for. With the recent release of Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows, I’ve gotten a powerful reminder of just how lovable someone like Peter can be. As such, I’m doing my best to capture that lovability in The New Red Queen, all while making Mary Jane Watson sexy as hell. Then again, it’s not like you need to try too hard to make Mary Jane that sexy.

This story continues to exceed my expectation in terms of feedback. I’m still amazed at just how many people enjoy reading about an overtly sexy Mary Jane, but then again maybe I shouldn’t. The past few chapters have given Mary Jane some opportunities to flaunt her sex appeal, as only she can. The final chapters will give Peter Parker a chance to participate. Also, expect Emma Frost to contribute as well. That’s a lot of sex appeal in one story, but there can never be too much in a story with Mary Jane Watson. This next chapter should make that abundantly clear.

The New Red Queen

Chapter 4: Jackpots and Dreams

This latest sexy side-project of mine is almost complete. Again, I’m really amazed and honored that it’s gotten such a great response. I really do appreciate it. I’m certainly open to crafting another spin-off, but I want to first make sure that this story ends in as awesome and sexy a way possible. As always, please take the time to write me or comment. I’m certainly happy to chat, especially about the sexiness of Mary Jane Watson and Emma Frost. Nuff said!

The Red Queen Chapter 3: Perks and Proclivities is LIVE!

Whenever I write one of my sexy side-projects, I do so knowing it’s only going to appeal to a certain segment of my audience. I’ve been on the internet long enough to know that no matter how much it advances, there will be an inclination for some to seek out the sexier material it harbors in such great quantities. My sexy side-projects are just tiny contributions that I don’t expect to have much impact. That makes the response to The New Red Queen all the more remarkable.

I said it during the last update. It’s worth saying again. I’ve been downright shocked at the positive response I’ve gotten from this series. I know I shouldn’t be on some levels. Mary Jane Watson is one of those characters who has a special kind of sex appeal. How can she not? She looks like this, remember?

Yes, I know most people know what she looks like. I know the internet has any number of pictures that have her showing off the glorious assets that generations of Spider-Man writers have given her. I just can’t pass up an excuse to post sexy pictures of her. I will not apologize for that.

I also won’t apologize for making this latest entry of The New Red Queen extra sexy. I’ve found that within the unexpected feedback I’ve gotten, there’s a strong demand for Mary Jane Watson to channel her inherent sexy talents. Again, I shouldn’t be surprised by this in the slightest. Even so, it gives me all the more incentive to make this story as awesome as it deserves to be. This next chapter should satisfy some very particular demands that some readers have requested. When you read it, you’ll know who you are. Enjoy!

The New Red Queen

Chapter 3: Perks and Proclivities

I don’t know if the response I’ve gotten with this story will continue. I hope it’s still as positive as it has been thus far. I mean it when I say I didn’t expect such a great response. As a result, I am already considering additional expansions of this series, which would put Mary Jane Watson in even more sexy situations. If that’s what people want, who am I to deny them? If there’s something you want to see, let me know! I’m always open for more inspiration, especially the sexy kind.

The New Red Queen Chapter 2: Bold Benefits is LIVE!

Whenever I do one of my sexy side-projects, I do it knowing that it's a small-scale side-story that isn't intended to be too epic or elaborate. I do it because it's just a fun, sexy departure from my usual work with X-men Supreme. I don't intend for them to be on the same scale as other stories, nor do I expect them to be much of a hit.

That's why the response I got from "The New Red Queen" was such a shocker. Who know a story about a overtly sexier version of Mary Jane Watson with Emma Frost on the side would have such an appeal? Now that I write that down, I want to kick my own ass for not seeing it. Then again, that makes the surprise all the more pleasant.

For this, I sincerely thank all those who read and supported this story. I really appreciate it. Honestly, I had no idea that demand for a sexier version of Mary Jane Watson was that high. It's good to know that the concept has so much appeal. That made writing the next chapter and making it as sexy as possible all the more vital.

I'm sorry I couldn't get it out sooner. I understand there are many restless Mary Jane Watson fans out there who have had a nasty pain in their balls since Spider-Man made that fateful deal with Mephisto. I hope this story can ease that pain, among other things. If the response I get continues to be this strong, I'll definitely consider expanding this world and all the sexy possibilities. I'll also make it a point to ensure that I update this story within at least three weeks of posting a new chapter. I don't want the wait to be that long. That's just cruel and our collective balls can only take so much.

That being said, I hope that this new chapter is worth the wait. It continues what the first chapter started, setting Mary Jane Watson on a new path towards a new job that maximizes her sexiness. The world needs more Mary Jane Watson and I hope this story can contribute to that. Enjoy!

The New Red Queen

Chapter 2: Bold Benefits

Again, thank you all very much for supporting this story. Really, I did not expect the response I got. If it continues, I'd love to expand the concept. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas, I'm happy to hear them. Anything that involves expanding a story where Mary Jane Watson is sexier can only help make the world a better place. Nuff said!

New Sexy Side-Project: The New Red Queen

Summer is over. Beaches are empty. Christmas decorations are already popping up in malls. I know. I’m dreading it too. It’s going to get cold again. That means lying naked on my porch, reading comics and soaking up sun, is going to be a lot harder now and not just because the neighbors keep complaining. I’ve always found that it’s easier to have fun when you have the option of taking clothes off. Winter hinders that considerably. For that reason, the time is perfect for another one of my sexy side-projects.

It’s been a while since I’ve done something overly sexy. With the end of Broken Legacy, I’ve had time to flesh out an idea that I hoped to get around to at some point. A while back, I swallowed my current disdain for Peter Parker and wrote a Spider-Man story called “Spider-Man and the Prostitute.” This story basically centered around a few very important tweaks to Spider-Man’s life, namely the life that Mary Jane Watson lived. In case you’ve forgotten, Mary Jane Watson looks like this.

You may have forgotten, but I promise your penis didn’t. For reasons that should be extremely obvious to those with a functioning penis, Mary Jane’s story tends to be more compelling than Peter Parker’s. She looks better in skin-tight outfits, she has more personality, and she doesn’t threaten to quit her job every other week. I took those traits and crafted a new backstory for her, namely one that led her into a life of prostitution. It’s not “Pretty Woman.” It’s not a bad reality show on VH1 either. It’s just a story that allows Mary Jane to be sexy as hell, as she deserves to be.

I got such a good response from that story that I’ve decided to do a sequel. I actually had an idea for a sequel before the first story was even finished. It came when I was developing Mary Jane’s alternate history in this story. I mentioned, at one point, that she worked as a stripper at the Hellfire Club. In case you or your penis have forgotten, that’s the same Hellfire Club where Emma Frost once worked and Emma Frost looks like this.

I’ll give everyone a minute to change their underwear. Done? Well, I’m going to dig a little deeper into that story because as sexy as Mary Jane Watson is, her sexiness can only be enhanced with Emma Frost. There aren’t many women who can come close to matching her. Emma Frost is among those few.

So with that, I’m proud to announce the official sequel to “Spider-Man and the Prostitute.” Just as before, this will be a multi-part series. It takes place shortly after the events of the first story, but there will be plenty of flashbacks along the way that should offer more insight. I’ll try to make sure that insight is sexy as hell. Since it’s going to get cold out soon, I think the timing couldn’t be better.

The New Red Queen

Chapter One: Old Colleague

Just like the last story, this isn’t going to be one of those stories that involves Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin or any shit like that. This story is a sexy side project. That means it’ll emphasize the sexiness in all sorts of ways that aren’t suitable for children or anyone who still watches the shitty cartoons that Disney still airs. If you’re at all offended or uncomfortable with that, then this isn’t for you. You’ll just have to find other ways of staying warm this winter. For everyone else, I hope the extra sexiness warms you up!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #35

I don’t care how many brain cells I kill with weed and Loony Toons reruns. Every time I read a comic book, a beautifully chaotic clusterfuck erupts in my brain. Sometimes it’s like an orgy of supermodels in a pool of chocolate. Other times it’s like having a million coat-hangers disemboweling an entire population of puppies. And for reasons known only to my therapist and my weed dealer, I turn that clusterfuck into a review. What follows is a review of Wolverine and the X-men #35. If anyone has a problem with clusterfucks, now might be a good time to go back to watching the Disney Channel.

Wolverine and the X-men #35 begins in the same way most bar fights begin when they take place after two in the morning, meaning there’s no real build-up or spark that triggers it. The X-men and the forces of the Hellfire Academy just start fighting as if their favorite football team just lost the Superbowl. Wolverine leads the charge while some of the Hellions try to show that they’ve become competent sociopaths. I imagine this would count as extra credit by Hellfire standards, but extra credit doesn’t mean shit if it’s still an F. To be fair, the X-men came armed with a much better army of living islands so the Hellions shouldn’t be too sad. I’m sure Mystique would just castrate them partially.

It’s a classic X-men brawl that just happens to involve demonic forces and giant mutant islands. It has the charming appeal of an extreme game show, like American Gladiators if everyone was given infinite amounts of crystal meth and LSD. It’s also classic in the sense that Toad is getting his ass kicked. Hell, he’s been getting his ass kicked since the 60s, but this time he’s getting beat up by Paige, a woman he’s in love with. Only Toad could make that seem as though it isn’t an extra kick in the balls. He has been desperately trying to get her to snap the fuck out of it while getting more fucked up than Rocky Balboa after six rounds with Clubber Lane. Yet like Rocky in the final round, he succeeds. It’s not clear how he does so. It looks like he just had to rip off whatever fucked up face the Hellfire Academy gave her and now she doesn’t remember a damn thing. It’s like blacking out, minus the hangover. So I guess Paige should consider herself lucky.

Kade Kilgore is the last person who deserves to be that lucky. He’s still only the second most ridiculous concept Marvel has introduced since Hope fucking Summers. Yet in the last issue, it looked like his luck had run out when his own fellow Hellfire Club buddies turned their guns on him. It looked like this juvenile punk was going to get what he deserved, but I guess Marvel isn’t quite bold enough to shoot a kid in the back, even if he’s a prepubescent sociopath. Kade once again makes his own luck, activating some bullshit protocols that nullify their weapon. Yes, he’s still an annoying little shit, but I can’t accuse him of not being prepared.

He’s still the lucky one because the rest of the Hellfire Academy is failing faster than the Syrian government. They’re being overpowered by giant mutant islands and a bunch of angry X-men. With that kind of firepower, Kid Omega and Idie shouldn’t have that much to contribute. However, they were the ones that set the stage for this conflict. It’s only fitting that they fight together to rub sulfuric acid in the wound that the rest of the X-men are inflicting. However, it just wouldn’t be Wolverine and the X-men if a few new details weren’t added to fuck things up even more.

I’m sober enough to remember how pissed I was when Marvel just randomly hooked up O5 Beast and O5 Jean Grey in the pages of All New X-men. They showed little interest in one another and when they were thrown together in the span of an issue, it was more confusing and infuriating than Johnny Depp’s last three movies. Now in the midst of this epic battle, Kid Omega and Idie find some time to swap a little spit and establish a brand new relationship for X-men fans to write smut fanfiction about. I looked at this the same way I look at midget porn. It’s strange and a little disturbing, yet I can’t look away. However, it’s not quite as disgusting as what was done with Jean and Beast. Maybe it’s because I think Kid Omega is a cocky little shit who is a few bad days from being like Kade, but I needed a few extra shots of whiskey after seeing this.

Having a pretty new girlfriend is usually a great confidence-builder, but confidence doesn’t go very far with assholes like Kade. After making quick work of his fellow Hellfire buddies, he gets Philistine, one of his mystical staff members, to put up some magical barrier. It’s a dick move on par with hiding behind a wall of baby kittens, but that’s the kind of shit that puts hair on Kade’s balls. It effectively traps Idie, Kid Omega, Toad, and Paige so the X-men can’t rescue them. It also turns this already epic battle into a hostage situation. He’s basically taking a page right out of the Die Hard movies. If shit starts to go wrong, take a hostage and hope John McClane runs out of bullets. It’s more effective than it sounds. He throws in a few more elaborate traps he built into the school for good measure because unlike Die Hard villains, Kade isn’t a cheap bastard.

At this point, pretty much everyone in the Hellfire Academy realizes Kade gives less than a nanoliter of batshit about them and they start bailing on him. And since the X-men are now distracted by a fresh hostage situation, that allows many to escape. This includes Mystique and Sabretooth, who somehow hijacked a boat that they probably had sex on more than once. They ride by and pick up the unlucky students, who should probably now consider themselves expelled. Starblood also decides it’s time to cut his losses and steals a spaceship while taking Broo with him. So Mystique and Sabretooth stole a boat. Starblood stole a spaceship. I think it’s clear which one has more expensive tastes. It’s hard to really give a shit about either at this point, but at the very least it ensures that some of them will turn up again. And since Mystique is amongst that crowd, that’s great news for my penis.

This leaves Kade Kilgore on his own. But seriously, who the fuck has any sympathy for this kid at this point that isn’t Jerry Sandusky? He may have a magical slave on his hand and a bunch of trapped students, but he’s also surrounded by X-men on an island. The odds are not in his favor in the same way the odds a comeback are not in Ryan Leaf’s favor. There’s never really any doubt that Kade is going to get his ass kicked and probably thrown into a prison cell next to Sandusky. Nobody would feel bad for him in the slightest.

However, that’s not what screws him over. Before he can make his escape, the prepubescent White Queen, Wilhelmina, does something that would make Emma Frost proud and betrays her Black Queen. She doesn’t just stab him in the back both literally and figuratively. She convinces Philistine to escape with her, leaving Kade behind. Now I’m not sure what a girl her age could do to convince Philistine to obey her, but I’m pretty sure it would get him his own special on To Catch a Predator.

Kade’s whole world is going to shit along with the rest of the Hellfire Academy. It goes so horribly wrong that Kade actually asks for a hug. It shows he’s still a kid, albeit a sociopath. But then Kid Omega punches him instead, which shows that he’s still a douche. So I guess it’s as fitting an end to the battle as anyone could hope for. And for good measure, Philistine is instructed to blow the whole damn island up because when a pretty little girl gives an order, creepy men obey it. Will there ever be a conflict in X-men where the villains don’t have a backup plan that involves blowing the place up? I doubt it. It comes off as bland, but I guess that’s to be expected from a bunch of inexperienced sociopaths.

But Kade isn’t completely without allies. While he and his associates wait to either blow the fuck up or get fucked up by the X-men, Dog Logan gives me yet another reason to hate his guts and escapes with Kade. How he does so is pretty fucked. He just grabs him and jumps through the Philistine’s mirror. This seems cheap because why the fuck would that thing still be intact? It’s one of those details that makes too little sense, even in a story about homicidal kids running their own school. While I may tolerate some pretty crazy shit and intoxicating substances, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. It also means Dog and Kade are still alive after this arc, which is disappointing. Naturally, all the X-men escape with help from the bamfs. But it isn’t as satisfying as it should have been. It’s like only half a line of blow. It just doesn’t get the job done.

There are still some loose ends to tie up and thankfully, they aren’t glossed over as they so often are in certain comics. And yes, I’m referring to Avengers vs. X-men again. Broo, who kickstarted this conflict when he got himself shot in the head, finally snaps out of his bloodlust and hijacks Starblood’s ship. He even crashes it for him so he can meet up with the rest of the X-men. So he’s now perfectly healthy, but the girl he had a crush on is now with a raging douche like Kid Omega. I smell another teen movie starring Hillary Duff!

And in spite of his stated intent to close the Jean Grey Institute a few issues ago, Wolverine unsurprisingly has a change of heart. I doubt anyone really thought he would go through with it, but this is one other issue that was glossed over. It could have made for some nice drama where Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute staff contemplate whether they’re actually doing right by these students. Instead, it’s just shrugged off as if it were bar tab for Donald Trump. It’s another disappointing moment. It’s even more disappointing that they allow the two other Hellfire Club brats that didn’t escape with Kade to join the school. That’s like inviting an on-duty cop to a cocaine orgy. It’s fucking stupid and nothing good can possibly come of it.

While the action in this issue was pretty awesome, the resolution is a bit weak. However, it does have one special bonus that makes it worth its weight in candied bacon. As some who follow Jason Aaron on Twitter already know, Nightcrawler is scheduled to return to the land of the living soon. Once again, the revolving door that is death in comics is giving back another beloved character. And at the conclusion of this arc, a cloaked figure meets up with the bamfs that have been helping out in the Jean Grey Institute since the beginning. The identity of that cloaked figure is about as mysterious as Ricky Martin’s sexuality, but it’s still an awesome way to cap off an event. I’ve missed Nightcrawler and after enduring stories with Dog Logan and the Hellfire brats, I’m ready for him to return.

I guess I was hoping for too much when I wanted to see this story end with the Hellfire Brats being thrown into a meat grinder and turned into hot dogs for the next Oakland Raiders game. The Hellfire Saga may be over, but the Marvel universe is still stuck with the Hellfire Brats. While that may be disappointing, the ending itself was sufficiently satisfying. I won’t say it was as a lap dance from Jessica Alba, but it is definitely one of the most enjoyable arcs to date in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. I give Wolverine and the X-men #35 a 7 out of 10. The distinct mix of serious conflict and cartoonish insanity give this series a perfect blend of Breaking Bad and the Simpsons. It has heart, deviant youths, and wannabe criminal masterminds. It couldn’t be more fun without taking place in pool of shaved cats. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #34

Give a man a comic book and a beer and he's happy for a good half-hour. Give that same man more beer and a blog, and you give him more reasons to drink and more reasons to read comics. It's the perfect cycle of addiction. Some may think that booze and comics go together like lizards and socks, but I say fuck those people for having so little imagination. I know you people don't just come to this blog to see a calm, insightful assessment of a comic. You come to see a raving drunk review a comic with words that you wouldn't use outside your brother’s bachelor party. I'm here to review Wolverine and the X-men #34 and I'm not going to be polite about it. So if you're easily offended or work for the FCC, you might want to pack up your purse, put a tampon up your ass, and go somewhere else. I hear North Korea is nice this time of year.

That said, what kind of comic offends people who are against giant mutant islands and a giant ice Voltron attacking the Hellfire Academy? The awesome kind, that’s for sure. Kade Kilgore, the prepubescent Black King of the Hellfire Club who probably doesn’t have any hair on his scrotum yet, got pwned big time in the previous issue. Like many aspiring young boys, he learns to think with his penis and he offered Idie a chance to be his Black Queen. She ended up fucking him over, leaving him pwned and unconscious. And when he woke up, the X-men were attacking the Hellfire Academy with said giant island and ice Voltron. Not one to take pwnage like your typical internet troll, Kade and his fellow Hellfire Club brats fight back with an army of island sized mutants of their own. Because apparently these things are easier to get in the Marvel universe as an overpriced pair of shoes on QVC.

The battle that follows is every bit as epic as it sounds. Even with all the LSD in Amsterdam, I could not have come up with a more awesome way for the X-men to attack the Hellfire brats. It’s not like the final battle at the gates of Mordor in Lord of the Rings. It’s more like Power Rangers meets Wrestlemania. It sounds like it should be a serious battle that has readers more nervous than an unneutered dog at Bob Barker’s house. Instead, it’s more fun than skinny dipping at the Playboy Mansion.

It’s part of the unique style of Wolverine and the X-men. It’s not a book that gets overly serious. This is best shown when Iceman, who is piloting the giant ice Voltron, is tempted by Kitty Pryde to cop a feel if he fights harder. Only in Wolverine and the X-men could a battle against the Hellfire Club involve a guy’s girlfriend using her breasts as a means of inspiring the team to fight harder. Some might be offended. Some might get teary-eyed at Jason Aaron’s commitment to including breasts in this saga. He even throws in a fastball special with Wolverine because like boobs, there’s just no substitute for the most classic kinds of awesome.

Kade and the rest of the Hellfire Brats watch this epic battle unfold and they watch as it quickly turns against them. The X-men are pissed. The past few issues have done a nice job of showing how frustrated the team has gotten with the Hellfire Club. They didn’t just take two of their students. They managed to effectively hide from the X-men and basically undermine everything they were trying to teach a new generation of young mutants. They couldn’t have pissed them off if they dug up Charles Xavier’s body and ripped his brain out. I’m sure they would have done that if the Red Skull hadn’t beaten them to the punch. Because of this, the X-men are fighting a lot harder and the Hellfire Club is losing.

Seeing this, Kade’s fellow brats want to pull back. They can sense that this is a losing battle and a waste of time. But Kade, his underdeveloped balls probably still hurting from what Idie did to him in the previous issue, refuses to retreat. He wants to keep fighting because he can’t leave this battle with the knowledge that he got pwned by a girl in a sexy Black Queen outfit. His dick would never forgive him. But his dick once again fucks him over because by staying, he gives enough time for Broo to catch up with him and maul him. I normally don’t endorse mauling kids that aren’t insane Justin Bieber fans, but I gladly make an exception for the Hellfire brats. There have been many satisfying moments in this arc, but this one put a smile on my face I normally don’t have outside a strip club.

In addition to the battle unfolding outside, there’s yet another awesome battle unfolding within the halls of the Hellfire Academy. Idie and Kid Omega, who have been following their raging teenage hormones to all sorts of trouble since this arc began, are battling their fellow students for survival. It’s not quite as epic as seeing two island-sized mutants battle, but it still carries plenty of weight because all this started when Kid Omega went after Idie when she defected. Now he’s fighting alongside her while she’s wearing a Black Queen costume. I can’t speak for Kid Omega, but I’m pretty sure he would say all the crap he endured at the academy was worth it. Toad is fighting with them too, but he’s still getting his ass kicked by Husk. And like Kade, he’s penis probably hates him because it’s letting her kick his ass. But he’s Toad. He’s probably as used to losing as the Cleveland Browns.

This leaves only the Hellfire Academy’s staff as the last line of defense. Once the battle between island-sized mutants becomes sufficiently lopsided, the X-men storm the school and take on the academy’s teachers. This includes Mystique, Wendigo, Sauron, and a few other heavy hitters that may not be giant islands, but fuck if they aren’t as dangerous. The battle they wage is plenty epic, albeit somewhat condensed. The battle isn’t quite as detailed as some of the other conflicts, but with so many epic struggles in this issue that’s entirely forgivable. I don’t ask a sushi chef to juggle more knives than he can handle so why should I ask writers like Jason Aaron to make every battle worthy of a Sylvester Stallone movie? Just because I’m a drunk doesn’t mean I’m unreasonable.

But no matter how epic or dramatic the battles in Wolverine and the X-men may be, there will always be time for more of the colorful, cartoonish humor that makes this series so awesome. We already got a nice taste when Kitty Pryde offered Iceman her boobs as a reward for kicking ass. This time Doop, the globular X-man who speaks a language that only Klingons could comprehend, provides the humor by taking on the female version of Mojo that the Hellfire Academy employed. Since this is a creature that jerks off to torture porn, this battle is probably giving her multiple orgasms. But Doop puts a stop to that in a way akin to your parents taping over your favorite porn and replacing it with footage of your grandmother taking a shit. It’s vulgar, it’s offensive, and it’ll probably make Glenn Beck cry. For that reason, it’s funny as hell and awesome as fuck.

It’s looking increasingly shitty for the Hellfire brats. Kade manages to fight off Broo, but he’s still more fucked up than Rocky Balboa at the end of Rocky IV. Yet he still refuses to retreat. It’s one thing to be kicked in the nuts by a pretty girl dressed in a Black Queen outfit. But being attacked by her pet on top of that is like getting a rectal exam from Andre the Giant. His fellow Hellfire brats are showing signs of no longer giving a shit about Kade’s ego. He’s not just losing the battle. He’s getting his ass kicked at every turn.

Unfortunately, Broo doesn’t stick around to finish mauling him. Rather than take another chance, he meets up with Dr. Starblood, who basically just ditches the battle entirely. He’s like the punter on the Detroit Lions. He really has no incentive. So he offers Broo a chance to join him in an escape pod and journey with him into the universe where he can maul other creatures. For a Brood, that’s like Donald Trump offering a kid a paid trip to Disney World. It’s probably not altruistic in the slightest, but it’s a fucking trip to Disney World. Why the hell wouldn’t you go? This may upset some Broo fans and I admit that he was lovable at times. But I think he has served his purpose with Wolverine and the X-men.

On every front, the Hellfire Academy is getting their asses kicked. The only ones that seemed overmatched at some point were Idie and Kid Omega. They had to attack their fellow students, some of which showed signs of reluctance. It may just be the lousy teaching style of the Hellfire Academy’s teachers, but I think it says something when they’re unable to rough up a douche-bag like Kid Omega. Yet he and Idie are able to beat them with the help of the X-men’s own personal Karoka. I won’t say it’s a very satisfying scene because I have sympathy for students stuck in a school that teaches them to be sociopaths. But it’s still yet another colorful act of pwnage that can’t be found outside Wolverine and the X-men.

Yet despite all this pwnage on every possible front, Kade Kilgor refuses to surrender. But in an act that shows Broo may have given him a serious concussion, he looks at the battle and becomes elated. He suddenly believes that he has won. He claims that this was exactly what he wanted to happen. Maybe there’s something he’s seeing that readers are too sober to notice. Or maybe he really has completely lost his shit. And it doesn’t appear that his associates agree with him. As he’s trying to twist all this pwnage into a victory, his teammates turn their guns on him. I still would prefer that he get mauled to death by Broo, but at this point I’m just enjoying the sight of the Hellfire brats getting pwned to care.

Once again, a comic book reflects how Charlie Sheen has ruined an entire generation’s concept of winning. But once again, Jason Aaron finds a way for it to be awesome as fuck. This comic has giant islands fighting each other, a giant ice Voltron, a Brood mauling a homicidal pre-pubescent kid, and Idie in a Black Queen outfit. This comic was like bacon flavored Jack Daniels in that it combined multiple awesome elements into one neat little package that anyone can get drunk off. Anyone who finds something to bitch about in this issue is either brain damaged or way too sober. Wolverine and the X-men #34 gets a 9 out of 10 and Jason Aaron gets a free lap dance if I ever meet him in a strip club. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #33

When I need to deal with the long list of issues my therapist bitches about, I grab some whiskey and a comic book and deal to my heart’s content. My liver may hate it and so does my landlord, but I’m willing to give both of them the finger for the sake of entertaining and informing the wonderful readers of this blog. What follows is my twisted coping skills combined with a full review of Wolverine and the X-men #33. It's a book that may give me nightmares about how much high school sucked before I found a good weed dealer, but it’s also a book that’s in the middle of a big arc involving the Hellfire Academy and Mystique in a sexy teacher's uniform. Read on if you've got your booze and lube ready.

While I would argue that Mystique in a sexy teacher’s uniform is the biggest appeal, seeing Kid Omega get the shit beat out of him is a close second. He spent much of the previous issue as a prisoner that served as a prime example to the other students how certain forms of douche-baggery would be rewarded and how other forms of douche-baggery would be punished. He took it in a way that would have made Rocky Balboa proud, but he’s still a douche. He still needed Toad to step in and save his miserable ass from Sauron and a version of Mojo with tits. While Toad is to X-men what Scott Norwood is to Buffalo Bills fans, he does at least show some semblance of balls. He’s still a janitor, but he’s a janitor who can kick ass. He won’t co-star in any Jason Stathem movies, but he will break Kid Omega free.

Kid Omega represents the kind of self-centered douche-baggery that the Hellfire Academy discourages. But Idie, who also ditched the Jean Grey Institute, nicely narrates the kind of douche-baggery that the Hellfire Academy fully supports. This whole issue has her narrating and it’s done in a way that is insightful and compelling.

She basically explains to the reader that the Hellfire Academy teaches them to love themselves, hate everyone else, and take anything they want if it makes them feel good. It’s basically everything that every major religion opposes. And she actually demonstrates it with her fellow classmates by killing random Hellfire guards for Kade Kilgore’s amusement. It’s a gritty scene, but one that offers a painful reminder that Idie has already killed. It was what triggered the Schism between Cyclops and Wolverine (that and them debating about which one Jean Grey would want to bone). Now she isn’t as bothered by killing. And this is a fucking 14-year-old girl. It’s hard not to feel for her and that’s the biggest strength of her story.

It’s hard to feel quite as intrigued for Toad and Kid Omega for reasons I’ve already covered. While they do manage to escape, it’s one of those things that’s easy to shrug off. If they had gotten the shit kicked out of them, I doubt many readers would lose sleep over it. After they make their escape, they go after Idie. They then run into Dog Logan along the way who does…absolutely jack shit.

I may be easily confused when I’ve smoked one too many joints and I may have as much affection for Dog Logan as I have for venomous spiders, but this was just fucked up. Dog Logan just walks away, saying they’re even now. I don’t even know what the fuck that is supposed to imply. I know Dog Logan’s introduction to the Hellfire Academy happened recently in this same series, but his story was so boring that I think I just got stoned and watched reruns of X-men Evolution. If there is an explanation, it’s not a very good one. And if Dog Logan never shows up in this series again, I doubt a single fuck would be given.

The main star of this comic is Idie. She’s the one that’s worth giving a shit about and she’s the one that is easy to grow fond of after what she has endured recently. And she has more than her share of admirers, one of them being Kade Kilgore himself. After having distinguished herself as being more than capable to horribly maim people with a pussy boner, he now invites her to do so as the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club. He even has the distinct Black Queen lingerie ready and fitted for her. Now I’m not sure if it’s more creepy that Kade Kilgore had that lingerie ready for her or that he’s a 14-year-old boy with enough money and power exercise all sorts of perverse pre-pubescent fantasies. But the whole concept of the Hellfire brats is fucked up to begin with and for that reason, it’s hard not to genuinely worry that Idie is getting in over her head.

Kid Omega and Toad are already way past that point, but unlike Idie you just can’t give as many shits about them. While Dog Logan may have let them go for no fucking reason, the rest of the Hellions aren’t quite as generous. They just got done maiming Hellfire guards for Kade Kilgore’s amusement. Their bloodlust boner is still hard and who better to take it out on then someone who was a douche-bag before he ended up at the Hellfire Academy?

To make matters worse, Paige is among them and Toad has been romantically involved with her in recent times. Well involved might be too loaded a term because it really was never thoroughly explored just what the fuck was going on between these two. Given what Toad can do with his tongue, that’s probably for the best. But if this was supposed to create any sort of emotional upheaval in the same way the Idie plot has done, it failed miserably. It basically amounts to Toad getting soft on a woman who was very pissed off at him while Kid Omega does the heavy lifting and takes a few punches to the face. So I guess it’s only partially satisfying in that respect.

This shit is happening at the same time Kade Kilgore is tempting Idie. He knows about it as well and Idie apparently takes him up on his offer. She actually puts on that ridiculously revealing Black Queen outfit that no woman would wear outside Comic Con or my masturbation fantasies. She even talks about finalizing the deal by killing Broo, who was already overprotective of her for reasons that probably had to do with Brood mating rituals. But this is where Idie finally reveals that the Hellfire Academy failed in its mission to turn her into a sociopath.

It happens when Kade Kilgore foolishly reveals that he was the one that shot Broo in the head. He’s a teenage boy. I don’t expect him to think before he talks, especially in front of a girl wearing a Black Queen outfit. This is what reveals Idie’s plan all along. She willingly joined the Hellfire Academy, embracing their concept of being a total dick along the way, just so she could find out who shot Broo. Now take for a moment to consider how she managed to maintain her cover and not be completely corrupted by the likes of Mystique, Sabretooth, Sauron, and the Hellfire Club. This is a fucking 14-year-old girl and she went through all of this, just to get back at the asshole who shot her friend. It’s not logical. Again, she’s a fucking 14-year-old girl. But it’s some pretty amazing shit and it’s hard not to cheer for her in ways nobody would ever cheer for Kid Omega.

As all this is transpiring at the Hellfire Academy, it’s easy to forget that the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff has been trying to find them since the arc began. They spent most of the previous issue failing miserably. Then Wolverine managed to track down Lord Deathstrike with the help of the bamfs and whiskey (because most problems can be solved by whiskey). So for much of this issue he’s been battling Lord Deathstrike, trying to get him to reveal the location of the Hellfire Academy. In addition, Rachel, Beast, and Storm enlist help from Karoka, who happens to be one of Dr. Frankensteins old pets. This aspect of the story was nicely explored in the last issue, but this issue it comes off as a little flat. It’s fun seeing Wolverine fight Lord Deathstrike and all, but it just feels way too convenient that they had Karoka as a lead all along and didn’t fucking realize it. And since they’re not hormonal teenagers, they have no excuse.

The battles at the Hellfire Academy remain the most compelling aspect of the story. Having revealed her plan, Idie goes about putting it into action while Kid Omega and Toad continue to get their asses kicked. Kade Kilgore is surprised at first, but he quickly recovers and becomes only mildly disappointed that he won’t have a cute girl to be his Black Queen anymore. He tries shooting Idie after she attacks him. But he seems to forget that the Hellfire Academy trained her to give less than a fuck about maiming people so she continues to battle him. And at one point, she even has him at her mercy.

This leads to a moment that feels like the culmination of all the emotional upheaval that Idie has been experiencing throughout this series. Despite her narrations that clearly say that she has been taught to fight without mercy, she decides to spare Kade Kilgore. That means after going to a school intent on turning her into a young Dr. Doom, she doesn’t give in. I’m tempted to say, suck it, Captain America! But that wouldn’t be appropriate. The scene isn’t as detailed as it could have been, but the message is clear. Idie may be a killer, but she’s not a douche-bag. And that sets her apart from her peers and the rest of the X-men for that matter.

So rather than stick around and torture Kade Kilgore, Idie leaves him to ponder the feeling of being beat up by a girl and catches up with Kid Omega. He immediately thinks he’s in love with her, but that may just be a direct result of her wearing the Black Queen outfit. I’m pretty sure if a girl walked up to me wearing that while I was getting my ass kicked, I would probably ask her to marry me. So they leave Kade behind. It’s not clear if Paige kills Toad, but I don’t think anyone really gives a shit about that at this point. The end of this issue tempts us with the utter destruction of the Hellfire Academy. Idie and Kid Omega already get the ball rolling. Now the X-men are on their way with Karoka. I think it’s just about time for the Hellfire brats to start crying for their mommies.

I usually have mixed feelings about people who go to elaborate lengths to get back at someone. It’s one thing for an ex-girlfriend to just sell all your shit on Craigslist. It's quite another for her to seduce your boss, get him to marry her, kill him, take over the business, and then use that power to make your life a living hell. But the extent Idie goes to in order to get revenge on the Hellfire brats for shooting Broo is nothing short of admirable. Sure, she had to channel her inner sociopath and entertain the horemonal attractions of a pre-pubescent boy, but it got the job done. And by telling the story from her point of view, Wolverine and the X-men #33 is very compelling. Watching Kid Omega and Toad get the shit beat out of them isn't quite as compelling, but it’s still more fun than a joint and truck of illegal fireworks. That's my final verdict for Wolverine and the X-men #33 and if you don't like it, feel free to spend a day or two with one of my ex-girlfriends. But don't expect to leave with your balls intact. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #32

When I get a new comic, I love to take my brain out of my skull, put it in a blender, dice it up for a good 20 minutes, and put it back and my skull. That way the thoughts that emerge as I read it are more fucked up than any fanboy on the planet not named William Shatner. What follows are the minced and diced thoughts that emerged while reading Wolverine and the X-men #32. I'm not legally responsible for any confusion and/or seizures caused by those who read on.

At the very least, readers can take comfort that they won't be as wounded as the Hellfire guards who were in Iceman and Kitty Pryde's path. Iceman gets creative, creating ice monsters that both fuck with and maim Hellfire guards in a way that is adorable yet obscenely violent. That's how you know it's a Wolverine and the X-men comic I guess. They probably should have expected the X-men to be pissed. The Hellfire Club stole two of their students. Now they're trying to locate the Hellfire brats at Kilgore's corporate headquarters. That or it's just Kitty and Iceman's idea of a date night. It almost makes me shutter to think what they're makeup sex might entail. They may need it because they don't find anything other than the typical overspending that you would expect of an evil corporation. But they're still probably not as bad as GSA or Goldman Sachs.

It's not just Kitty Pryde and Iceman looking for the the Hellfire Club as well. The whole team is in on the act. When a rival school is stealing their students, they don't just take an interest. They get pissed. The team is spread out all over the place, hitting up spaceship graveyards and doing psychic scans that would horrify Charles Xavier if someone hadn't cut out his fucking brain (see Uncanny Avengers). It makes for more Jason Aaron style juvenile humor, such as Rachel Grey determining that there are approximately 855,499 people making love. I'm pretty sure that's enough to make the Catholic Church shit themselves, but fuck religious zealots. They're trying to find deranged little kids. On second thought, maybe the Catholic Church can help them fight against that.

All this searching has left the Jean Grey Institute in a pretty fucked up state. They already found out they had a spy in their midst. Now they found out that two of their students left and they can't find the assholes who lured them away. That means the school gets a lot stricter and I'm not just talking about teachers raiding your locker and finding your weed. Now they have fucking Lockeed, Kitty's pet dragon, teaching classes. And even deranged teenagers aren't going to fuck with a dragon.

They're also not going to fuck with a pissed off Wolverine, who once again shows how he has anger issues that scare the shit out of Dr. Phil. He vents his anger the same way I imagine Charlie Sheen parties, by drinking heavily and wrecking a room. This time it happens to be his office, but I suppose there are worse ways he could deal with his anger. It also nicely reflects just how frustrated the X-men are and how well-equipped the Hellfire Club is.

And it's a good thing the Hellfire Club is hiding because they would probably piss the X-men off even more if they found out they were torturing one of their students. However, that student they're torturing is Kid Omega so I guess they wouldn't be too upset. Given the shit this kid has pulled on the X-men over the years, I imagine the Hellfire Club is only doing what the X-men wish they could do to him.

But unlike most teenagers who turn into pussies when faced with torture, Kid Omega handles it like a kid with balls beyond his years and four times his size. The Hellfire Club lets Dr. Pandemonium and a few hellish minions rough him up in a way that takes corporal punishment to a whole new level. In the process we even learn a little more about Dr. Pandemonium. His story is pretty basic. He discovered some evil mirror in a cave under Stone Henge and the mirror made him evil. It's basic, but it at least shows that there's some attention to detail in a book filled with so much playful violence.

That playful violence extends to the teachers lounge. Like real teachers lounges, it's a place for teachers to get together and hatch evil plan on how to torture their students even more. Their discussions are colorful and playful, despite being disturbing. They talk of human heads in refrigerators and making people scream. Again, probably nothing that doesn't happen outside of the teachers lounge in my old high school. But it offers some nice insight into how an evil school works.

The only killjoy is Toad, which I guess shouldn't come to anyone's surprise. He's still the lowly janitor and he makes some novel suggestions that include shit like actually educating the kids. He doesn't know that schools stopped educating back in the 70s when the world discovered it was much more efficient to just indoctrinate kids. Because educating kids might actually make them think and we just can't have that now can we?

So with so few leads coming up for the Hellfire Club, Wolverine turns to the only thing he can rely on to help him in times of crisis...booze. But not in the way you might think. Rather than just grabbing some hard liquor and some porno, Wolverine actually tries to use booze to help him solve his problems. But unlike most raging alcoholics, he does it in a more pragmatic way. He takes the pet bamfs, who have already shown a fondness for Wolverine's booze in previous issues. He then uses it to start tracking the Hellfire Club by following the trails of the mutants they recruited. It's not the most creative way I've seen booze used, but as a drunk it still brings a tear to my eye.

Those tears turn to rage once the Hellfire brats enter the picture again. They may not be as annoying as Hope fucking Summers, but they're still assholes that make an already ridiculous comic even more obscene. But they serve their purpose. We learned in the last issue that the whole point of this school is to create mutant sociopaths to drive up demand for sentinels. Kade Kilgore is already succeeding and with Sabretooth in charge of the school, they've got plenty of mutant sociopaths to go around. It has all the looks of a board meeting at Enron. You know a lot of people are going to get fucked over hard. This just involves giant robots and killer mutants.

The only potential problem with this perfectly organized evil plan is that one of the individuals they're trying to fuck over may be in a position to return the favor. Kid Omega, who has been tortured for three days now, is on the brink. Now Sauron and the boobed up version of Mojo are tormenting him. I imagine torturing Kid Omega is akin to a large bonus package at the Hellfire Academy. Unfortunately, the way they treated Toad earlier came back to bite them. Because he sneaks up behind them and looks to help him. And you know you're fucked when someone like Toad won't take it anymore.

But the Hellfire Club doesn't seem too threatened. They seem ready to roll out their new army of sociopath mutant teenagers. Kade Kilgore proudly introduces their star students, which includes Idie. They all look like obedient future sociopaths, but we also get a hint that Wolverine might be on their trail. Armed with an army of bamfs and whiskey, he is able to track down Lord Deathstrike while he's doing a supply run. It marks the first true lead the X-men have found on the Hellfire Club and now Wolverine is in a position to sink his claws into it. So not only did booze help him cope. It helped him find a solution. Excuse me, but I'm just getting really emotional here. I need a moment.

In just two issues, the Hellfire Saga has incorporated evil corporations, hard liquor, and beautiful women in sexy teachers outfits into the story. Throw in a gay wedding and you have Rick Santorum's worst nightmare. And yet Jason Aaron still finds a way to make it feel fun as hell. Wolverine and the X-men has had its ups and downs lately, but Wolverine and the X-men #32 is definitely an up and no mind, sober or drunk, can argue otherwise. Nuff said!

Don't Stay in School: "Wolverine and the X-men #31"

The following is my review of Wolverine and the X-men #31, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Say you’re a school that caters solely to a bunch of young, immature, superpowered teenagers with poor impulse control and underdeveloped critical thinking skills. Let’s ignore for a moment that anyone tasked with managing this endeavor is either insane, foolish, or just enjoys being hacked off all the time. How much harder would it be to turn these young superpowered teenagers into moral, upstanding members of society as opposed to training them to be evil, selfish, blood-thirsty reprobates?

Since its inception, the Jean Grey Institute has been doing things the hard way. Wolverine (who you could easily argue is insane, foolish, and enjoys being hacked off all the time) has been struggling with it throughout the pages of Wolverine & the X-men. It hasn’t exactly been a booming success. The school has nearly been blown up on several occasions, it has been attacked by aliens and cosmic forces, and most recently a couple of students have defected to a new school that is trying to do things the easy way, the Hellfire Academy.

In both the real and the fictional world, it’s much easier to turn teenagers into unfeeling sociopaths than it is to turn them into the kinds of ideals inspired by iconic characters like Superman. The Hellfire Academy knows this and has set up their school to do just that, swiping students from the Jean Grey Institute and even hiring agents from within the school. Because if they’re going to set an example for their students, they need to first show them how to give their rivals a sufficient walloping. Both Idie and Kid Omega joined up, although they also indicated that they may be trying to infiltrate the school before it tries to blow up the Jean Grey Institute…again.

In the current Marvel universe where mutants are randomly arrested like minorities in South Central Los Angeles and anyone who tries to make a global utopia with a cosmic force is thrown in jail, teenagers have plenty of reasons to be miscreants. In that sense the Hellfire Academy has a lot to work with. We saw in the previous issue of Wolverine & the X-men how the Hellfires had the likes of Starblood, Mystique, and Sabretooth at their disposal. They have so many ways they can frustrate the Jean Grey Institute and corrupt young teenagers that they could probably make a reality show of it on the network that shall not be named.

In Wolverine & the X-men #31, readers are offered a thorough tour of the new Hellfire Academy. It comes mostly through the skewed perspective of Kid Omega, who left the Jean Grey Institute in the previous issue to follow Idie. Why he’s following her is hard to surmise. Trying to guess at the intentions of any narcissistic teenage is hard enough, but in some respects he offers the perfect perspective for the Hellfire Academy.

The exploration of the Hellfire Academy is beautifully organized, offering a fairly comprehensive understanding of how this training ground for future Dr. Dooms operates. Mystique is essentially in the same role as Storm, but rather than teach gardening tips she encourages her students to get in touch with their inner narcissist. And when Kid Omega tests her resolve, she makes it clear that bullying is not only permitted in this school, it earns students extra credit. That offers a telling insight into the incentives in place at this school.

In addition to Mystique, the Hellfire Academy has plenty of devious staff members. It depicts science lessons with Sauron, (alien) biology lessons with Starblood, hunting with Dog Logan, hellish literature with Master Pandeomnium, public relations with Madame Mondo (basically Mojo but feminized), and study period with a very temperamental Husk. Even Toad is there, but sadly he’s still the janitor. You may feel sorry for him, but even future supervillains need squeaky clean floors.

This large cast of villains presents a pretty daunting challenge to the staff at the Jean Grey Institute, but they only show up in this comic briefly. After Kid Omega and Idie left, they’re understandably angered and yet, also downright lost. It leads Wolverine to question the very existence of the Jean Grey Institute. Now maybe this is just excessive melodrama on his part, but it nicely reflects the utter frustration he and the others experience in their thankless efforts to prevent future Magnetos and Sinisters. I imagine there are real schools out there that share his frustration when they’re unable to prevent students from losing their way. At its core, Wolverine & the X-men has always been about running a school and this latest challenge nicely reflects that.

It also reflects how poorly Kid Omega plans things out. Throughout the issue, he muses over how he’s going to accomplish his goal of helping Idie. It’s clear he hasn’t even thought things through, but he eventually manages to stick in the craw of enough people to get sent to the “principal’s” office. And it’s here where we learn that like some for-profit educational institutions, the whole point of the Hellfire Academy is to drive up demand for sentinels. Because if there are deranged mutants in the world, that scares people into buying killer robots. It sounds so cynical, yet so logical. In terms of a genuine business plan, I could not find any flaws that weren’t purely ethical in nature.

And that’s what makes this issue so enjoyable. It’s conveyed in a fun, light-hearted tone despite the very serious overtones of the story. And as crazy as the concepts are, it does actually form a coherent plot. There’s a lot of entertainment value for a comic that involves a school bent on creating evil mutants and it’s not just because Mystique is in a sexy teacher’s outfit. This issue is the first of the five-part “Hellfire Saga” and based on what it established, it’s shaping up to be a hell of a saga so to speak.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #31

Every week, a new comic comes out and I dip my brain into this beautiful concoction of ink and tree pulp to fully appreciate it. Wolverine and the X-men #31 is the latest blend of ink and tree pulp to mix with my brain matter. These are the twisted thoughts that emerge as a result.

We see Kid Omega guiding a new student with a face that looks like a botched vaginal rejuvenation surgery to the new Hellfire Academy. All I can think when I see this is who the fuck is stupid enough to make Kid Omega in charge of anything? I want to feel sorry for the kid, but he apparently killed a walrus when he sneezed with his new powers. And the animal lover in me just can’t justify that. The location of the Hellfire Academy isn’t clear, but I’m guessing that’s by design. If you’re going to have a school of mutant deviants, then it’s a good idea to hide it. That way you get less bitching from the neighbors.

The first class involves Mystique lecturing on the merits of being a narcissistic douche-bag, but I still can’t pay attention to it. I’m too distracted by her sexy teacher’s outfit. Granted, most everything Mystique wears tends to be pretty sexy. But I haven’t seen her do a sexy teacher look outside of my masturbation fantasies so this is a nice little treat.

But even a sexy outfit isn’t enough to stop Kid Omega from being a total ass. Rather than just quietly admire Mystique’s ass, he points out to her that she hasn’t really accomplished jack shit lately. She has annoyed Wolverine and the X-men, but that’s about it. Hell, he even points out that Wolverine succeeded at killing her at one point. There’s having balls the size of mortar shells and then there’s just being fucking stupid. Mystique basically gave her students permission to rip Kid Omega’s head off and even offered extra credit. You get the sense that this is the kind of school we all believe our childhood bullies attended.

And wouldn’t you know it? Teenagers respond to incentives. But Kid Omega’s balls are still as big as his stupidity. He fights them off and even tries to catch up with Idie, who was the other student from the Jean Grey Institute who defected. Granted, she may be planning a double cross, but she doesn’t care to team up with Kid Omega. And who the hell would want to?

But Idie is a background character it seems. She wants nothing to do with Kid Omega. She’s basically keeping to herself and has the brain damaged Broo as an attack dog. While Kid Omega’s plans are clear, Idie’s aren’t. She doesn’t come off as the master deceiver or skilled tactician. She’s a teenager. She only recently learned how to use tampons. I find her story much more intriguing, but instead we’re stuck with seeing the Hellfire Academy through Kid Omega’s douche-bag perspective.

Like any school, the Hellfire Academy has classes. Unlike other schools, these aren’t the classes you can sleep through or text ex-girlfriends during boring lectures. We’ve got a science lesson with Sauron, (alien) biology with Starblood, hunting with Dog Logan, hellish literature with Master Pandeomnium, public relations with Madame Mondo (basically Mojo with boobs), and study period with Husk who appears to be on her period in the worst possible way. It’s almost quaint at how the Hellfire Academy tweaks the usual school curriculum to turn young mutants evil. And Jason Aaron throws in a touch of juvenile schoolyard humor as well. And believe it or not, it involves more than just fart jokes.

The Hellfire Academy still comes off as the kind of school that will make Mr. Rogers’ head explode. But it’s portrayed as a unique and almost appealing sort of way. Maybe we all have our inner douche-bag that wishes there was a school like this where we could refine our inner bully. It’s not overly serious. There may be some social commentary about how fucked up American schools are. But in the end, it’s just fun.

That is to say it’s fun for everyone except Toad. I don’t want to feel sorry for the guy. He’s a lifelong member of the Brotherhood of Mutants and he has a history of just being a whiney little bitch. But despite getting some sweet loving from Husk, he’s still the fucking janitor. So that means his job at the Hellfire Academy is the same as his job at the Jean Grey Institute. He didn’t upgrade. He didn’t downgrade. He’s got the same exact job. But near as we can tell, he’s still tapping Husk and I think that’s worth it. If every janitorial job came with the promise of pussy on the side, the whole world would be a lot cleaner.

In between this extensive tour of the Hellfire Academy, we briefly visit Wolverine and the staff of the Jean Grey Institute. As you can imagine, losing Idie and Kid Omega to the Hellfire Academy pissed them the fuck off. Wolverine has never been known for dealing with his anger in a healthy way. Neither has Rachel so they make the perfect team to visit a sentinel factory and threaten the workers with torture that would give Dick Cheney a boner. It doesn’t work and we find out that the team has been having similar luck at sentinel factories all over the world. It leads Wolverine to basically say that the Jean Grey Institute has failed.

Melodramatic? Fuck yes. Logical? Fuck no. Wolverine is pissed and the whole team is upset. That’s all I can gather from this. And maybe I’m the only one that remembers, but didn’t Storm and Wolverine swap spit a few issues back? Then we had that shitty Dog Logan arc and now it’s completely forgotten? Is Jason Aaron ever going to revisit that plot? Or are we just supposed to assume that Wolverine and Storm kiss for fun and never do anything after. When in the history of fiction has that ever been a compelling story? It seems like all this did is show how Wolverine is pissed. I know he’s capable of other emotions and this is a missed opportunity.

Back at the Hellfire Academy, we find that they stole more than just students from the Jean Grey Institute. They stole their training regiment. And since this whole school is based around the premise that shit is unfair, they pit the kid with a snot problem against Kid Omega. Aside from spewing snot on Kid Omega’s clothes, he does jack shit. Maybe this is a metaphor for that kid in grade school who always had snot running down his nose, but it’s another touch of Jason Aaron’s quirky humor. It also earns the snot kid a trip to the principal’s office, which in a school like this is an entirely new circle of hell…possibly literally.

Being the arrogant prick who also happens to be a teenager who doesn’t think shit through, Kid Omega decides that if he’s going to do what he need to do he’ll need to get sent to the principal’s office. That means pissing his teachers off enough so that they send him there. In other words, he just continues to be himself for the next few days. It’s probably the easiest mission any X-men has ever had in the history of the universe. It works, but what he finds isn’t exactly another circle of Hell.

It’s the fucking Hellfire brat, Kade Kilgore. Seriously, I thought the whole novelty of having sociopath kids in the Hellfire Club would have been overplayed by now. But we’re still stuck with it and it still is as fucked up as ever. But what isn’t fucked up is Kade’s justification for the school. He sells sentinels because for some reason they let kids be billionaire industrialists in the Marvel universe. And trying a bunch of evil mutants to provoke fear is good for anyone paranoid enough to buy a giant killer robot. I wish I could say this is fucked up, but I get the sense that Montsanto and Exxon would love that sort of business plan and Goldman Sachs would gladly invest in it.

All these revelations are well and good, but Kid Omega is still assuming that he’s deceiving these people. He’s not and they reveal to him that they’ve known about his bullshit from the beginning. It’s not like he’s been subtle about it so that may be the easiest plot uncovered in the history of spying. Somewhere James Bond is rolling his eyes in between orgies. In other words Kid Omega is fucked and the Hellfire Brats intend to do to him what they did to the snot nosed kid. It’s not revealed just what that is, but it apparently turned him from a little snot nosed kid to a hulking snot nosed kid. And if it can do that for him, what kind of shit will it do to Kid Omega? I didn’t think anything could make him more of a douche-bag, but I’ve been wrong before.

Overall, this is a fun book with some shortcomings. These are my obscene thoughts about this issue and I’m not changing them. Nuff said!