Making Progress Fun: All-New X-men #30

The following is my review of All-New X-men #30, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

At some point between the last Presidential election and the Blackberry’s last attempt to make a successful smartphone, progress became a dirty word. It has gotten to a point where too many people believe that progress is hard, agonizing, and tedious. It’s like having to relearn how to button up a shirt using an instruction manual that might as well be written in Sanskirt. It’s a big reason why some people pine for the good old days when TVs only had three knobs, phones only had 12 buttons, and a gallon of gas still cost under a dollar. But progress doesn’t have to be so frustrating, nor does it need to have the excitement of a lecture from Ben Stein. Progress can be fun, spontaneous, and even enjoyable.

It might sound like blasphemy to those who still use flip phones, but that’s exactly what All-New X-men #30 attempts to demonstrate. And in many respects, it succeeds in ways will make some laugh and others tense. There’s no question that the X-men have made plenty of progress in their 50-year history. But due to the convoluted nature of comic book continuity, coupled with obscenely conservative attitudes among fans who gasp at the notion that these characters they love might actually change and evolve, this progress is often hindered. And thanks to the added complications of time travel, reboots, and retcons, it is even completely reversed sometimes. All-New X-men has already incorporated many of those elements since it began. It’s very premise should make the possibility of character progress into the equivalent of a million unsolved rubix cubes. But despite the Original Five X-men being displaced and preserved in their original glory, their presence in the future has allowed them to achieve a level of progress that shouldn’t be possible. Yet like the New Orleans Saints winning a Superbowl, it somehow happens.

The progress in this story comes primarily from two characters, each of whom has been going in opposite directions at time. Teenage Angel has been a pariah at times among his time-displaced peers, playing the part of a spoiled rich kid who shudders at the idea of confronting problems that can’t be solved with money or good looks. He was the only one among his teammates who didn’t want to stay in the future. After they discovered they couldn’t go back during X-men: Battle of the Atom, he faded into obscurity. He just became that guy that everybody assumed was fuming on the inside, taking his frustrations out on Sentinels and pictures of Magneto like any healthy X-man. But after the battle against a perverse future version of the Brotherhood of Mutants, he gets a chance do something more than just fume. He goes on a date with X-23, another character whose progress is often hindered the teams she gets stuck on and the inherent need to have a pissed off teenage girl to add drama in a story. Both these characters, on their own, act as plot devices most of the time. But in this instance, they’re just a couple of teenagers having fun, forging a connection, and being happy in a way that makes most adults and high school principals nervous.

It’s the kind of progress that characters in X-men comics don’t often get to enjoy because they’re too busy fighting killer robots and wannabe racist skin-heads. They get to be themselves and share happier moments with each other, creating new connections that reveal they are still actual characters with actual feelings. This may cause some fans to gasp, but it’s part of what makes these characters endearing.

That’s not to say that the interaction between X-23 and Teen Angel lay the foundation of the next iconic comic book romance. These two are not Superman and Lois Lane. They’re not even Peter Parker and Carlie Cooper. They’re just a couple of teenagers, sharing in the chaotic and often overwhelming emotions that come along with their crazy circumstances. It might not sound like progress, but it injects some much needed humanity into these characters. They’re not just a whiney rich boy and a disturbed girl who stabs things. They actually do have other feelings to deal with.

The second character to experience this progress is teen Jean Grey. Unlike Angel, she’s had to make progress of the worst kind throughout the events of All-New X-men. Now, after the events of The Trial of Jean Grey, she is tasked with training with Emma Frost, the woman destined to become her rival and her future husband’s psychic mistress. The bitterness between these characters goes back to the days of flip phones and dial-up internet. Now Emma Frost is supposed to teach this time-displaced teenager to control her powers. She might as well be a cat teaching a rat how to build its own mousetrap.

The bitterness does show. Emma Frost shoves the future right in Jean’s face, forcing her to confront the harsh details surrounding the psychic affair she had with Cyclops. She ends up pushing all the right buttons. She baits Jean into attacking her and she takes it. This creates such a spectacle that their teammates decided to make a picnic out of it, like storm-chasers driving into the path of a tornado. But it doesn’t turn out like anyone expects.

After an epic psychic ordeal, which is unfortunately left up to everyone’s imagination, Emma Frost and Jean Grey laugh. In fact, they end up laughing so hard that they embrace each other like a couple of BFFs posing for a selfie. It catches everyone off-guard, but in a ways it counts as progress. These two have been fighting each other over something that’s over and done with for too long. Emma Frost is no longer with Cyclops. The emotions from that affair are behind them. Now, with the aid of time travel and convoluted circumstances, they’re able to come together and work past it. That says a lot about just how strong their feud was, but it’s the first time they’ve ever shown an ability to move beyond it.

That’s what makes All-New X-men #30 so much fun. It offers a sense of progression with these characters, but in a way that doesn’t involve more time travel or more killer robots. These characters just get a chance to be themselves and connect in ways that don’t need to occur in the heat of combat. While it’s frustrating that some of the details are left undefined, the results are welcome and satisfying. It shows that if these characters can make progress in the midst of time travel paradoxes and psychic affairs, then we have no excuse.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #30

Teenage love stories are like boy bands. Nobody ever admits to enjoying them, but many secretly like their songs. I know I don’t come off as a romantic, being a guy who jokes about strippers, ex-girlfriends, and Emma Frost’s boobs all the time. But I’m man enough to admit that I have a soft spot for teen love stories and by man enough, I mean I still have to have a few shots of vodka to say that honestly. All-New X-men has had more than its share of teen love stories. Some have been very well-done (see O5 Cyclops and X-23). Some have made me want to surgically remove my stomach (see O5 Jean and O5 Big Furry Douche). But Brian Michael Bendis has a strong history of developing teen romance in a compelling way and for that reason, I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt when he introduces a concept that leaves some fans with moderate to severe concussions. I know that sounds way too reasonable for any self-respecting comic book fan to say on the internet, but I think that Bendis and every writer like him knows that there’s nothing he can do at this point that won’t piss off certain fans. For some, they have this strange version of pissed off diabetes. They need an injection of utter fan outrage they’ll die. I’m sure the cover of All-New X-men #30 alone is enough to give some fans seizures. I certainly have my doubts that O5 Angel and X-23 can be anything more than one of those random teenage romps that are more forgotten than high school algebra class. But I’m a reasonable drunk so I’m willing to give it a chance.

Whatever O5 Angel and X-23 end up becoming, they’re certainly doing better than most prom dates. X-23 wakes up in a nice bed in a nice bedroom, still fully clothed and not covered in vomit and used condoms. O5 Angel shows up too, still wearing pants and not trying to sneak away before she can ask him when he’ll call her. It’s remarkably pleasant and tame for a couple of teenagers. The family values crowd would probably assume they spent all night having an orgy, shooting heroine, and listening to Slayer. These might be the things the family value crowd secretly jerks off to, but that’s not what happened with these two. X-23, being a clone of Wolverine, doesn’t have a good memory whenever she goes out to get fucked up. So O5 Angel has to fill in the blanks. The fact that they have this conversation with their clothes on makes it more mature than half the conversations in every episode of Saved By The Bell.

At its most basic level, O5 Angel and X-23 went out on a date. They didn’t go on a cocaine bender in Columbia. They didn’t join a Satanic cult and sacrifice baby seals. They went on a fucking date like a couple of normal teenagers. It’s actually the most normal thing either character has done since All-New X-men began. X-23 has been too busy stabbing shit and hugging O5 Cyclops. O5 Angel has been too busy bitching and moaning about wanting to go back to the past. This shows that they are still capable of carrying themselves as normal teenagers. What a fucking concept, right?

That’s not to say it’s some innocent night at bible study. They go to a club and X-23 being her father’s clone, gets into a fight with a bunch of punks that just looked at her ass the wrong way. She fights them, a few other girls flirt with O5 Angel, and some Pantera fan loses a nipple ring. It’s still more innocent than half the dates I ever went on as a teenager. They end up ditching the club with their clothes still on and no roofies in their system. No killer robots attacked. No time-displaced Brotherhood showed up. They just had fun like a couple of teenagers should. And let’s face it, they could have gotten into way more trouble. I’m sure they left more mailboxes intact than I did after my prom date.

After recalling the events of the previous night, X-23 and O5 Angel continue to talk seriously. Some might assume for teenagers that means stealing beer, hiding weed, and negotiating condom use. But actually, these two have a more mature conversation than that. They just talk like a couple of young kids who are attracted to one another and had fun together. It’s the kind of shit that happens every day, yet for some reason it still horrifies some parents. That’s not to say they get too personal. X-23 still doesn’t talk much about her past or the horrible shit that’s happened to her. O5 Angel still talks to her like she’s that girl in Spanish class who wears a thong and smells like fresh roses. They purposefully avoid the serious shit they’ve been dealing with lately. They just share a nice moment of happiness, something neither of them have had since Peyton Manning was still an Indianapolis Colt.

It’s by no means the beginning of a new epic love story. X-23 and O5 Angel don’t profess their undying love for each other or anything else from the last four Julia Roberts movies. They just went out on a date, hung out, and let their hormones do the rest. Given their respective circumstances, it works. It’s cute yet meaningful. They even admit it’s something they need. And they’re right. After battling aliens and a time-displaced Brotherhood, they need this shit.

But the date between X-23 and O5 Angel is actually not the most emotionally charged conflict of the story. It’s not even the one with the most tension. At the beginning of the previous arc, O5 Jean had a nice conversation with adult Cyclops. It was so nice that it made Kitty Pryde nervous about them ever being alone in a room together again without taking some “To Catch A Predator” precautions. During that conversation, Cyclops encouraged O5 Jean to get training from Emma Frost, his ex-girlfriend. I know Cyclops is supposed to be the one that makes the hard decisions, but putting his time-displaced wife under the tutelage of his ex-girlfriend is like putting a bear in charge of a butcher shop. Nothing good could come of it.

Now Emma Frost seeks to begin O5 Jean’s training. And true to her tradition of intimidating/arousing her students, she demands that O5 Jean attack her. It’s such a tense situation that O5 Iceman and O5 Beast have gotten together with the Cuckoos to watch. I admit I’d watch too and record the whole damn thing in IMAX. It doesn’t take long for shit to get tense. O5 Jean points out that no matter how much Emma Frost loved Cyclops, he still loved her future self more. It’s something that Emma herself admitted in Uncanny X-men #2. It’s a pretty dick move, even for a teenager, and one that can’t end well. Unlike most public school teachers, Emma Frost is not afraid to use the kind of discipline that even Catholic Nuns would disapprove of.

This leads Emma Frost to skip the part where she lectures O5 Jean on the dangers of talking down to her and goes right for the head shot. This involves broadcasting to her vivid recollections of the psychic affair that ended up undermining her future marriage with Cyclops. These are details that Beast never had when he shared the details of her life with her back in All-New X-men #5. These are the uncut, rated NC-17 versions that she sees. It’s probably more vivid than any of the porn she could get in the internet. O5 Jean will probably have to change her panties after seeing it for all the wrong reasons. But it definitely does the trick. O5 Jean claims that seeing this shit isn’t pissing her off, but anyone who has dealt with an emotional teenage girl knows that’s bullshit.

O5 Jean finally lashes out at Emma, which is pretty telling in and of itself. For someone who claims to not be in love with Cyclops anymore, she gets pretty worked up about seeing vivid images of him being seduced by another woman. She even takes it a step beyond just hitting back with her telekinesis. For a moment, she takes the form of her older self to explain to Emma Frost in a way she’ll remember that she doesn’t need this extra push to make her lash out with her powers. She’s already sufficiently pissed off to do it on her own. It’s not an unreasonable point to make.

That doesn’t make the way she got it across any less satisfying. It’s a nice summation of where O5 Jean is at right now. It’s also a nice summation of how Emma Frost sees her in the context of what happened between them and Cyclops. It’s the first time they’ve really been able to confront each other about this shit they never got to resolve before adult Jean arrived. I want to say it’s overdue, but it’s hard to adequately articulate with a throbbing erection.

At this point, shit is getting so tense between Emma and O5 Jean that the rest of the students hoping to see a little nude oil wrestling run to get help from Kitty Pryde. As it turns out, she’s following X-23 and O5 Angel’s lead. She’s going out on a cyber-date with Peter Quill, who she got cute with during The Trial of Jean Grey. It’s another relationship that was overlooked and under-developed, but one that gives both characters an opportunity to stop running from killer robots and just be themselves. I’ll say it again just to reinforce my earlier point. What a fucking concept, right?

They carry themselves a bit more seriously than X-23 and O5 Angel. However, they’re still not being presented as some epic love story from a made-for-TV movie on Lifetime. It’s a new relationship they’re both exploring and while they’re not at the point where they’re having cybersex, they are getting comfortable with talking via hologram. And in this day and age, I think that counts as progress in a relationship.

They all gather around Emma and O5 Jean, who are now locked in another psychic battle. They all probably assume they’re trying to gouge each other’s eyes out with a spork and a paperclip. For all they know, they’re on the verge of peeling off their skin and chewing on each other’s organs. These are two characters who have such a bitter rivalry that it kept heating up even after one of them died. It should be pretty fucking intense and require the psychic equivalent of an ICU for both of them.

Then, the second to last thing anyone expected happens. I say second-to-last because I’m sure the last thing they would expect at this point is for the O5 Jean and Emma to start making out in a way that would make every man’s dick within a 100 mile radius explode. I certainly made sure I was wearing an athletic cup when I got to this part. But instead, they did the second most fucked up thing. They started laughing. We don’t get to see what they saw. Even the Cuckoos can’t sense it. But whatever happened, it was so fucked up that they started laughing and the next thing we know, they’re hugging it out like BFFs.

Now if anyone is expecting me to go on a drunken rant at this point about how fucked up this is, I’m going to have to disappoint. My drunken rant has been overwhelmed by drunken laughter. That’s because this scene isn’t just fitting. It’s pretty fucking hilarious. These two characters, who have been at each other’s throats even beyond the grave, suddenly manage to connect in a way that doesn’t involve strangulation. It’s the first time Jean Grey and Emma Frost have ever shown an inclination to be friends. While it is disappointing that we don’t see what it is that got them laughing, it’s a welcome change of pace from the endless bitch fest that we’ve had since George W. Bush’s first term. It still freaks everyone else the fuck out, but that only makes it more satisfying.

It would have been nice to end the story on such a happy note, but we can’t have comics being too happy in this day and age. The hipster douche cynical attitudes of an entire generation won’t allow it. But instead of killer robots attacking, this issue ends by connecting itself nicely with the ongoing events in Uncanny X-men. In Uncanny X-men #23, the Jean Grey Institute traveled to the New Xavier School to get Cyclops so they could go over the will. Since All-New X-men takes place in the same locale, it makes sense to throw in a little convergence. It’s not entirely necessary, but it’s one of those details that shows people are actually putting some fucking effort into these books, despite what douche-bags on message boards may claim.

So it looks like I’m going to have to use the F-word an awful lot to describe this issue. That’s right, it’s the word that should give everyone pause: fun. See what I did there? I used the word “fun” to describe a comic book. It’s a word not often associated with comics that don’t involve Deadpool or weren’t published before 1977. But that’s exactly what this issue was. There was no epic battle against Sentinels or fucked up/time-displaced versions of old enemies. Yet there was some awesome (and really fucking overdue) progress with these characters. X-23 did more than just stab things. Emma Frost and Jean Grey did more than just bitch towards one another. Kitty Pryde did more than just throw in a little Yiddish when she’s pissed off. It shows that killer robots need not be present for a comic book to be fun. Terminator fans might faint at reading that, but I stand by my use of the F-word. This comic did leave a little too much to the imagination at times and was a bit rushed, but it offered quality and enjoyable character development instead of more bullshit time travel stories. That’s a big upgrade in my book. I give All New X-men #30 an 8 out of 10. X-23 is actually smiling. Emma Frost and Jean Grey are becoming friends. Kitty Pryde is dating yet another guy named Peter. It’s not the sign of the Apocalypse, but it is a sign that my next bag of weed will be all the more enjoyable. Nuff said!

All-New X-men #30 Preview - Romance or Fling?

I know I don’t come off as much of a romantic. My ex-girlfriends, my therapists, and most of my former pets will say that the most romantic I’ll ever get occurs around a bottle of Jack Daniels and a plate of bacon. But I do consider myself a romantic at heart. I enjoy that warm and fuzzy feeling I get when I see a good love story develop, be it in comics, real life, or a porno. It’s true, porn can be romantic if done correctly (and with the proper application of lube). But a good, well-developed love story is like a perfectly tender steak. It’s delicious as hell, but difficult to cook.

There have been many relationships developed in comics that have been epic love stories, but there have been many more that are built solely on the shaky foundation of WTF. I’ve gone on many drunken rants on numerous relationships on this blog from Cyclops/Emma and Jean/Wolverine to Superman/Wonder Woman and Wolverine/Storm. I don’t doubt that my rants are about as romantic as a prostate exam at times, but I feel there is merit when I say that most comic book relationships are hit-or-miss with far more misses. If it were a baseball player, they would be selling insurance in Alaska by now.

That said, Brian Michael Bendis has a solid track record when it comes to developing relationships. He has shown a rare talent to take established relationships like Peter/Mary Jane and novel relationships like Peter/Kitty Pryde and make them feel epic. This skill has translated nicely into All-New X-men with the way he has handled relationships like O5 Cyclops/O5 Jean Grey. However, he has had his share of misses, as anyone who read All-New X-men #15 can attest. And for a time, it looked like he was going to take another shot with O5 Cyclops and X-23 in All-New X-men #20. That didn’t pan out because O5 Cyclops felt that spending more time with his badass space pirate father was more important than hooking up with some hot teenage girl. I’m not sure which should take priority so I’m going to call that a push. But now Bendis is looking to try again, this time with O5 Angel and X-23.

Now when it comes to comic book romances, I’m of the opinion that they can all be made to work if done right. Some are just way harder than others. There really aren’t many universes where a relationship between Wolverine and Lady Deathstrike doesn’t end in a blood-soaked disaster. But O5 Angel and X-23 is one of those ideas that can either overdose on WTF or trigger a massive onslaught of boners. On the surface, it’s not that outrageous. It’s the circumstances that have the WTF. And in an unlettered preview released by CBR, we get our first glimpse of just how far Bendis plans to take this. From the looks of it, he’s going to piss off every abstinence advocate in the state of Texas.

CBR: All-New X-men #30 Unlettered Preview

• Past, present and future collide as the Future Brotherhood exacts their final judgment on the All-New X-Men.
 
• Plus, Angel takes control!

So in the span of 10 issues, X-23 goes from swapping spit with O5 Cyclops on the cover to swapping spit with O5 Angel. Granted, she never actually kissed O5 Cyclops. All they really did was hug. They never hit up a club, went on a date, or tried to cop a feel. They really didn’t get a chance because O5 Cyclops left before that could happen. But with O5 Angel, X-23 is jumping at the chance. They’re actually going out and doing the kinds of things that make televangelists cry. On the surface, this isn’t all that fucked up. They’re teenagers for crying out loud. It’s the characterization that will probably piss a lot of fans off.

Not long ago, X-23 was pretty fucked up and pretty traumatized. Now, after she recently got finished stabbing Xavier Jr. in the back, she’s hooking up with some guy she barely knows. For most teenage girls, that’s not too crazy. Hell, that’s the opposite of crazy. But X-23 isn’t normal. She does not have Taylor Swift’s history of going from guy to guy. Now she’s not just clubbing with a guy, acting way more normal than she really is. She’s getting cozy with someone who really has no fucking clue how to relate to her.

This is my main issue. Unlike O5 Cyclops, O5 Angel really doesn’t have much in common with X-23. He’s rich as fuck, never lost anyone, and doesn’t know much about hardship. Not only that, he’s been a total fucking pussy at times in this series. He’s the one that tried to go back to the past when he was outvoted. X-23 is one of the most badass characters in Marvel who doesn’t pack a big ass gun. Now she’s hooking up with this guy? It would be like Axel Rose hooking up with Carrie Underwood.

That’s not to say it can’t work. I think it’s kind of cute how things pan out. X-23 isn’t completely OOC. She gets into a fight at a club and rips a guy’s nipple ring off. That sounds like the kind of shit she does every Thursday night. But how romantic does it really get here? This is one of those developments that could either become what Peter/Kitty Pryde was in Ultimate or it could just be a brief fling like Wolverine seems to have with Domino every once in a while. It could go any number of ways and I’m sure X-23 fans will find some reason to be really pissed about it, not that I blame them either. But I’m willing to just grab a joint and a bottle of whiskey, kick back, and take a wait-and-see approach before I deem this new romance worthy of jerking off to. Nuff said!

Guardians of the Galaxy #12 Unlettered Preview - More Hugs

I don't consider myself an overly affectionate person, especially when I'm sober. Get enough liquor in me and I'll dish out some hugs, but I'm just as likely to start throwing punches. It really depends on my mood, how much I've had, and how bad the Ravens are doing. But I understand the power of affection. It can heal broken hearts, rebuilt burnt bridges, and make a shitty day feel awesome. It's a lot like cocaine and ecstasy, minus the nasty side-effects.

All New X-men has been a pretty emotional series since it began. There hasn't been a lot of hugging, but there has been a lot of emotional upheaval, especially from O5 Jean Grey. She's the one dealing with the most. Being dead in the future, having a school named after her, and seeing the love of her life end up in the arms of her big-breasted rival would make anyone upset. And since weed isn't legal in New York or Canada, she's got precious few ways to relax. Maybe the next base should set up shop in Colorado or something. But now she can't deal with those emotions because she's about to go on fucking trial.

In the events of All New X-men #22, the Shi'ar arrived and abducted her specifically so they could try her for crimes she hadn't even committed yet. It sounds like the kind of legal shit that only takes place in North Korea, Iran, and Texas. To make it suck even more, she got abducted shortly after she got into an emotional argument with O5 Cyclops about how well (or not well) she's coping. It's a shitty way to end a conversation with a future husband, but the Shi'ar aren't exactly known for attacking at a good time.

Now they've officially teamed up with the Guardians of the Galaxy in hopes of saving O5 Jean Grey from the kind of justice that only Kim Jong Un would applaud. And they have to do this while emotions are running high. But those emotions may get even more complicated based on a new unlettered preview of Guardians of the Galaxy #12, which is part 4 of the event. I'm sure everyone remembers this famous cover.

Well, what happened wasn't exactly that Twilight-esque if that's the right word. O5 Cyclops and X-23 never kissed, but they did share a nice emotional moment that involved a hug. It was also stated outright by O5 Jean Grey herself that O5 Cyclops "fancied" X-23. It's not clear if he fancied her as a person or just parts of her. But it's something that was only lightly explored. Well now in the unlettered preview released by Comic Book Resources, it gets a little less Twilight-esque and a bit more pornographic. Hell, without dialog, pretty much anything can be made pornographic, but that's just my own twisted drunken imagination talking.

CBR: Guardians of the Galaxy #12 Unlettered Preview

Marvel is pleased to present your first look at GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY #12, from the rock star creative team of Brian Michael Bendis and Sara Pichelli! Jean Grey has been abducted by the Shi’ar Empire – accused of cataclysmic crimes she has yet to commit. But not all is as it seems. How are Star-Lord’s malevolent father and the Spartax Empire involved? Now, as the Guardians of the Galaxy and the All-New X-Men race to the edge of the deep space to rescue her – they’ll enlist the help of some very unlikely allies. One of whom will have world shattering consequences for one of the All-New X-Men! But even they may not be enough to stop the most powerful army in the Universe. Don’t miss the encounter that will have everyone buzzing this February in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY #12!

Poor O5 Cyclops. He really does look like he needs a hug. It looks like O5 Jean needs one too because it appears she's dealing with some sort of alien lawyer. As someone who has dealt with many overworked and under-appreciated public defenders, I'm pretty sure she's encouraging O5 Jean to plead guilty and hope for a lesser sentence. By Shi'ar standards, that probably means only 150 years in the slave pits as opposed to 200. She knows she's fucked and I doubt she has any cell-mates that can sneak her in some weed. It's tragic, but I guess the Shi'ar don't care for hugs or justice for that matter.

But X-23 shows that she's more compassionate than the Shi'ar, which isn't saying much I guess. She sees O5 Cyclops in a vulnerable state, not unlike the one she was in earlier. And just as he did, she reaches out to him and hugs him. It's a sweet moment that a non-sober me would choke up over. So at the very least the X-23/O5 Cyclops plot isn't going to be dropped. Given how O5 Jean saw them hugging before, it may add more melodrama to the ongoing emotional shit storm between O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean.

But it's still unclear just what sort of emotions there are between X-23 and O5 Cyclops. Is she just being compassionate? Or does she want to jump his bone and ride him like bull on crystal meth? We can't tell from the unlettered preview, but we can infer that emotions will be running high. And if O5 Angel actually does try to hit on Angela, someone might even get laid. It's an event full of justice, injustice, and emotions. It's Judge Judy meets the Vampire Dairies. It doesn't sound like it should work, but fuck if it doesn't look awesome. Nuff said!

The Trial of Jean Grey: All New X-men/Guardians of the Galaxy Crossover is Official!

Teasers can either be like watered down booze or extra pure blow. They can leave you deeply disappointed or high off your tits in the best possible way. Like walking into a whore house blindfolded and picking up the first woman (or former man depending on the price range), I never know what I'm going to get. As I speak from my semi-sober state, the New York Comic Con is underway in New York City. And had I not spent so much money on comics, blow, and booze I would be there right now waiting in line to get my ass signed by Stan Lee. So I'm stuck following news in between bong hits and benders.

One of the teasers that emerged long before an actual teaser was the possibility of an All New X-men/Guardians of the Galaxy crossover. Hell, Bleeding Cool announced that this was in the works back in February this year when I was still chipping ice off my car and pissing my name in snow. Then a few weeks ago, Marvel released a couple of teasers with some fairly familiar imagery in the background.

Reminds me of my last arrest.

Since Avengers vs. X-men sucked enough to remain fresh in my mind, I recognized the flames in those letters before I actually read them. My first reaction was, "Fuck, this weed is awesome." Then I sobered up and said, "Fuck, more Phoenix gimmicks." But since there is actually a Jean Grey in the X-men comics now, I took some comfort in the knowledge that it's less likely to involve some bitchy replacement character whose name escapes me at the moment.

Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

With respect to judgment, I think it goes without saying that the Phoenix Force is guilty of some pretty horrific shit. Wiping out five billion aliens with the same crass that I use when I wipe my ass warrants some pretty nasty shit by any standard. But is it fair to judge someone like Jean Grey for the crimes she committed while under the influence of this cosmic parrot? Is it fair to judge anyone for crimes they commit when they're under the influence of a power they can't control?

Maybe this is a bad example because Marvel has already set the precedent. After Avengers vs. X-men, everyone in the Marvel universe passed judgement on Cyclops for the shit he did with the Phoenix Force. But there's one key difference. Cyclops didn't kill 5 billion aliens while he was the Phoenix. Hell, he tried to create a global utopia and bring about peace on Earth. Yet for reasons that no amount of bong hits can help me understand, that shit is still a crime. And if he's still a fugitive for that reason, then I don't see any hope for anyone in the Marvel universe judging Jean Grey.

And that's exactly what the O5 X-men will have to deal with after X-men Battle of the Atom is over. I guess this counts as a bit of a spoiler in that it means the All New X-men will not be sent back to the past and the future X-men fail miserably. But if a drunk like me could see that coming, then nobody else with a functioning brain has any excuse. So now it appears that once word gets out that Jean Grey is alive in some form, a bunch of pissed off aliens are going to try to hold her accountable for crimes she hasn't even done yet. It's like Minority Report, but hopefully it doesn't suck. And Marvel made it official at NYCC with an announcement and an interview with Brian Michael Bendis.

Marvel.com: NYCC 2013 - The Trial of Jean Grey

And not only did he give some tantalizing details about what we can expect from this trial, we even get to see the brand spanking new uniforms that we've been promised. And while I know as much about fashion as I do about the brain chemistry of a eel, I think I can say without reservation that these costumes are pretty fucking awesome.

If you thought Battle of the Atom and INFINITY put Marvel's most misunderstood heroes through their paces, just wait until you see what writer Brian Michael Bendis has in store for ALL-NEW X-MEN and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY next.

There's no time for the time-displaced mutants to catch their breath following the status quo-shifting final moments of Battle of the Atom, especially now that the entire Marvel Universe has been alerted that Jean Grey, the former and most terrifying host of the Phoenix in the eyes of many, seems to be alive and well. On the other side of the cosmos, the band of space pirates known as the Guardians of the Galaxy will be forced to get involved with one trouble-making species they've managed to steer clear from: mutants!

Joining Bendis for this storyline on art will be ALL-NEW X-MEN’s Stuart Immonen and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’s Sara Pichelli. "The Trial of Jean Grey" will put the fear of the Phoenix into this teen team for the very first time.

We spoke to Bendis about the two series as they head into All-New Marvel NOW!

Marvel.com: Without spoiling the end of Battle of the Atom, what can you tell us about the teen X-Men's status quo in All-New Marvel NOW!? How shaken up are they?

Brian Michael Bendis: Without spoiling the end of one of the biggest X-Men events of all time, I will say that a lot has changed. Not everyone is where or when they were when the event began. But, it is safe to say that Jean Grey is still here, and now a lot of people know about it. Once the word gets out that Jean Grey, who was once host to one of the most formidable and destructive cosmic forces in the entire galaxy, [is back], there are people—major players—[that] will want to hold her accountable for some of that destruction.

Marvel.com: The Guardians of the Galaxy just had the Marvel Universe playing in their backyard in INFINITY. Can you give us a hint as to what state the team is in following the event?

Brian Michael Bendis: They are pretty much intact except for the fact that there is something from the outcome of INFINITY that the Guardians are very uncomfortable with. While the members deal with that—and each other—they receive word that Jean Grey is a target. They rush to help.

Marvel.com: The teaser word "Trial" carries a lot of Phoenix baggage with it. Is it safe to say that Jean Grey is at the forefront of this crossover?

Brian Michael Bendis: This storyline is called “The Trial of Jean Grey,” so yes!

Marvel.com: The X-Men and Guardians have rarely interacted before, if ever. What's been the most interesting thing about writing them together? Do any of the characters clash or get along surprisingly well?

Brian Michael Bendis: Well, let's remember that the All-New X-Men are still some of the youngest, most naïve heroes in the entire Marvel Universe. They still have only been X-Men for a few weeks, so everything is a new experience—especially finding out that one of you was the host of a destructive force that took out entire planets, or that there are spaceships, or that raccoons have rockets and laser guns. There is a great deal of fun to be had and a great deal of serious life-changing drama.

And not all of the Guardians are going to have the same feeling about Jean Grey and the Phoenix. She is and will always be a very polarizing figure in the Marvel Universe. This “trial” will put the spotlight right on that.

Marvel.com: Will having knowledge of adult Jean's trials help teen Jean navigate these circumstances?

Brian Michael Bendis:  I think it's part of her puzzle that she can't even deal with yet so, yes, this story is going to make her focus on this, a confusing and upsetting part of her history and what her responsibility to all of it really is.

Marvel.com: The Guardians usually find themselves on the other side of the law, yet their teaser word is "Judgment." Are they passing judgment on the X-Men or helping the teens escape judgment?

Brian Michael Bendis: Right there, that is the reason to tell the story. Everyone has a judgment, but whose is right? Should Jean be held accountable for things that she has not done yet? Should she be stopped before it happens again? Is a crime a crime if the person who committed the crime hasn't committed it yet?

Marvel.com: These young X-Men have already had to deal with time travel, and now they've been thrown into space for the first time. How will they handle that?

Brian Michael Bendis:  For those who know their X-Men, some of you may already be thinking about the fact that one of the original X-Men's fathers already has a very important place in the Marvel galaxy. The X-Men may be shocked to find themselves dealing with space for the very first time, but some of them may be surprised how personal the story will get.

So Jean Grey is basically screwed in the present for shit she would end up doing in the future. And she has to find a way to deal with it while keeping a straight face in the presence of a machine-gun toting Raccoon. The odds are against her to say the least. It's like the OJ Simpson trial, but Jean doesn't have the money to hire Johnny Cochran.

But beyond the event itself, this news reveals a few more tantalizing details. For one, it appears they patch things up with O5 Angel because he seems to rejoin them and gets a new uniform as well. I imagine it's going to lead to some very awkward moments where O5 Jean has to apologize for mind-fucking him in an earlier issue of All New X-men. It also hints that maybe O5 Angel changes his mind about wanting to go back to the past. Something may happen in the next three issues that makes him think, "Fuck, I need to stop being a whiny little bitch." I think it's overdue because he has basically done jack shit since he ditched the O5 X-men.

Another issue that's worth bringing up is the connections between this story and the Phoenix Saga. Marvel tends to have this nasty habit of flat out ignoring past events in favor of looking ahead to bolder, often more fucked up stories. But for once, Marvel is being detailed in dealing with the many ramifications of having time displaced X-men in the present. They're already doing a great deal in Battle of the Atom, but something like the Phoenix Force and the shit it did to make their trip to the future necessary is something else that shouldn't be ignored, yet often is. I'm glad it's being addressed, but it does have the potential to do more than just be another crossover.

Since All New X-men began, it has focused largely on the O5 just being shell shocked by how fucked their future is. Yet as Battle of the Atom has shown, what they do has a big effect on the timeline. And the longer the O5 stay in the future, the bigger that effect could be. So in theory, that means that Marvel could do some major retconning with the history of the X-men. In practice, however, it could fuck shit up even more or take a huge shit on otherwise iconic stories. It's hard to say how far Marvel will take it at this point, but a crossover with Guardians of the Galaxy is already pretty fucking far. The best anyone can do is grab a cold beer, light up a joint, and enjoy the ride. Nuff said!

Marvel Reveals New Ultimate Spider-Man AND Plays The Race Card

Well I've got more Ultimate news and as most who follow this blog know, talking Ultimate comics usually gets me more worked up than Mel Gibson at a Jews for Jesus rally. But this is news that nobody can ignore and news that Marvel saw fit to leak the day before it actually hit the stands. They used the same tactic with the Death of Spider-Man story. All it really revealed is that Ultimate Peter Parker was dead. That was basically it. Of course a lot of people were confused when it was ULTIMATE Peter Parker and not the real Peter Parker in 616. That just goes to show that Ultimate, for all it's bullshit, still hasn't reached the same status as 616. But that's besides the point.

I made sure I'm sober for this one because I don't want to say anything that's going to get me in trouble. I'm sure the NSA and whoever Marvel bribes in the government is watching this. But this week, Marvel revealed who Peter Parker's replacement is. They revealed it's a completely new character, pulled right out of a mix of thin air and Brian Bendis's ass named Miles Morales. The biggest difference? Well, this is where Marvel makes a dick move by playing the race card. Morales is half-black, half-hispanic. He's basically like those multi-ethnic TV hosts that Fox News hires to keep the NAACP off their ass. And if it's a dick move for them, it's a dick move for Marvel. That's my biggest complaint here. This whole premise of making a new Spider-Man to replace Peter Parker and making him out of thin air is one big dick move.

CBR: Ultimate Spider-Man Spoilers Hit Press (Again)

Now why is this a dick move? Well for one, Miles was never mentioned at all before in Ultimate Spider-Man. We have no idea how his story interacts with Peter Parker's, if at all. And even if it does, it requires Bendis to pretty much contrive an entire history within the fabric of Ultimate. There aren't too many cases in the history of literature where that kind of contrived tactic really works out for the better. This is what made the original Clone Saga and X-men Forever so reviled to the point that they were retconned or canceled. When an entire history is suddenly pulled out of a writer's ass, fans tend to not like it. It comes off as the writer trying to impose their own standards over an established continuity. We get that writers at Marvel have a very hard job in trying to fit their work into the greater scheme of the Marvel universe, but not respecting it (especially when a writer starts contradicting their own material) is deeply underhanded. There's an expression for writers who use this kind of contrived storytelling. It's called being a dick.

On top of that, Marvel is playing the race card. It may not be direct and I doubt it is, but Bendis has set it up to basically make himself and Miles Morales completely immune to criticism. Because now if anyone criticizes Miles and says they want Peter Parker back, they can be labeled racist. The same thing happens with President Barack Obama. If you criticize him, it's easy for people to call you a racist. It's an indirect means of sheltering one's self from criticism and that's just plain arrogant. To be so insecure that someone has to use a sensitive issue like race to insulate themselves is another example of being a dick.

If that weren't bad enough, Miles is set up to fail from the get-go for the same reason Ben Riely failed in 616. He's a replacement character. He's replacing Peter Parker. He's not complimenting him like a X-23 or Daken. He's not adding to a legacy like a Kyle Renner or Jon Stewart in Green Lantern. He's outright replacing Peter Parker as Spider-Man. How many times have replacement characters worked? Bucky Barnes lasted less than two years as Captain America. Dick Grayson lasted less than that as Batman. As mentioned already, Marvel tried to get Ben Riley to replace Peter Parker in 616 and it failed miserably. You just can't replace Peter Parker. You can't. That's like trying to make Superman without Kal El. It's like trying to make a one-sided coin. Peter Parker IS Spider-Man. Replacing him is just a massive dick move.

And is isn't just Bendis who is being a dick. Artist Sara Pachelli had the audacity to say the following:


“I promise, you will fall in love with Miles-- I already did. 'Nuff Said.”

Read that over again. I made it large for a reason. Pachelli is implying that fans will love Miles as much as they do Peter Parker. That's like someone coming up to you right after your best friend dies and says "I've got this new best friend for you. I promise you'll love him just as much!" The fact that someone says that with excitement would prompt some to punch that asshole in the face and kick their ass. Again, there's a term for that. It's called being a dick and in a case like this, a massive arrogant dick.

 Ultimate Marvel has become a series where Marvel can just be a dick and get away with it. They can kill off characters like Peter Parker, Wolverine, and Professor Xavier and claim it's bold and new. It's not. Being a dick is being a dick no matter what universe it's in. Then to have the audacity to try and replace these characters with Jimmy Hudson, Teddy Allen, Ray Connor, and Miles Morales is just fucking stupid. If you're going to kill a character, at least have the decency to NOT try and replace their ass when their corpse is still fresh. And thinking you can requires not balls, but pig-headed arrogance that makes the narcissists, the assholes, and the politicians of the world. For Marvel and writers like Bendis, who write stories with the premise of with great power comes great responsibility, to act this fucking irresponsible is completely without excuse and without merit.

It's also worth pointing out that replacement characters tend not to work. There's no reason why new characters like Miles can't emerge naturally WITHOUT killing Peter Parker. When a character replaces someone, it cheapens their act because it puts them against an impossible standard to which they'll never measure up. Bucky Barnes didn't last as Captain America. Dick Grayson didn't last as Batman. Sooner or later, fans just don't care for a replacement. They want the real thing. You can only piss on someone's head and tell them it's rain for so long before they realize it's not. It may not happen immediately. This is a gimmick, just like Ultimatum and Death of Spider-Man. All gimmicks wear off and they cheapen the mythos. With a new Spider-Man movie coming out next year and a new cartoon, what are readers going to think when they pick up a book that has a dead Peter Parker and a shitty replacement character in his place? They'll either throw the book away or just pick up a 616 book where despite Peter having made a deal with the devil, he's still alive and not nearly as big a dick as Bendis and the Ultimate staff.

So in the end, I can summarize Marvel's latest move with Ultimate in two words. DICK MOVE. I get that writers all want to leave their mark on a series, but guys like Bendis have something that shitty fanfiction writers like myself don't. They get Marvel's stamp of approval to make their stories canon in addition to getting paid to do it. With that kind of legitimacy comes a responsibility to the fans and the characters. To be that fucking irresponsible is the very epitome of being a dick. I don't care if it involves fictional characters, non-fictional characters, or real people. Being a dick is still being a dick. And Miles Morales is one of Marvel's biggest dick moves in a long time. Nuff said!