Marvel's Death of X Announcement: Cyclops' Fate To Be Revealed

Strap on your rubber boots, X-men fans, because the shit is about to get deeper. You've heard me go on many drunken rants about this topic all year. I only remember parts of those rants, but I rant with good reason. After Secret Wars, Marvel went from having Cyclops form peaceful assemblies in Washington DC to becoming the most hated person in the Marvel universe who isn't a clone of Spider-Man. It's a situation that involves so much WTF that no amount of drunken rants can do it justice.

Well today, Marvel finally announced that this gaping oversight that has strained my ability for drunken rants is going to be addressed in an upcoming series called Death of X. Doesn't sound ominous at all, does it? Well, here are some details and I think I speak for every X-men fan when I say I'm clenching my asshole accordingly.

CBR: Cyclops' Fate, Mutant/Human War Revealed in Marvel's "Death of X"

Continuing its steady stream of new series reveals, Marvel Comics has announced a new X-Men series -- "Death of X."

Announced via EW, the four-issue series comes from writers Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire and artist Aaron Kuder and will answer a question X-Fans have been asking for months: What happened during the 8-month gap after "Secret Wars"? All that's known so far is that Cyclops was involved in a massive war with the Inhumans -- a war that cost him his life and reputation.

"We’ll definitely see some characters who have been missing in action since the series launch,” Lemire told EW. "We’ll answer the question of where certain mutants have been, and what’s happened to them. Cyclops is the big one, he’s the one we’ve said was dead and that’s all we’ve really said. His death was very controversial, so obviously that’ll be a big part of the story we’re telling here"

"Death of X" was first announced in March, when Marvel debuted an enigmatic teaser image with a Fall 2016 date. The new artwork, featuring a screaming Cyclops against a background of mutants and Inhumans, incorporates the original's "Death of X" logo into its design.

The event's name has already inspired a month of "Death of X"-themed variant covers from Marvel; throughout July, art depicting the final moments of 20 different mutants will grace the covers of Marvel's releases.

"Death of X" arrives in October.

So what do we make of this? Well, I suck at predicting the future. If I didn't, I'd have made a fuckton of money in the stock market by now. So I'm not going to assume too much. However, I think there are some telling clues based on all the shit that has been going on in the X-men comics.

More than anything else, All-New X-men and Extraordinary X-men have belabored the point that Cyclops is evil. Storm even gave a big fucking speech about how evil Cyclops is and how horrible his deeds were. Without knowing those deeds, drunks like me had to assume way too much. Did he bang another vindictive telepath or something? Did he shit in Spider-Man's garden? It's hard to say, sober or otherwise.

Well, this teaser effectively sends one particular message. First and foremost, he's dead. No clones. No cosmic forces. Cyclops is definitely dead and barring any further time travel shit storms, he'll stay that way. Second, he did something really fucking terrible and did it intentionally. Worst, he did it to the Inhumans, who are basically Marvel's prized bitches at the moment. Nothing they do is wrong. Hell, the editors at Marvel probably use their farts as air fresheners. So it has to be pretty fucking egregious.

The only logical conclusion, logical being a loaded term for a drunk, is that Cyclops went full genocidal. There's no other way around it. I should probably put a spoiler alert because it's rare that I'm this confident about a prediction, let alone one I make while sober. Cyclops finds out that the clouds of Inhuman farts are killing and sterilizing mutants. He tries to do something about it. The Inhumans don't do enough. Having just led the mutant race back from the brink, he just snaps because he can't stand to go through more M-Day shit. So he assembles a team to attack the Inhumans head on and he's willing to wipe them the fuck out if it means saving his species. He already lost his mentor, his wife, and his key to Emma's panties to shit like this. He's not dicking around anymore.

Naturally, it goes horribly fucking run because again, Marvel won't let anything happen to their precious Inhumans. It has to go so wrong that Cyclops ends up killing a lot of innocent humans while unleashing M-pox in the process. That means he gets all the blame and he goes down in infamy, probably dying horribly in the process. It's probably the most inglorious way for one of Marvel's most iconic X-men to die, but that's by far the most likely outcome. This is what happens to those who undermine the Inhumans. They die horribly.

Also, it would basically complete the process that Marvel has been doing for years now. Slowly, but steadily, they've been turning Cyclops into a villain. Avengers vs. X-men was a giant leap forward when he killed Xavier, albeit inadvertently. This is the final step in that process. They're basically doing to Cyclops what Breaking Bad did to Walter White. They're turning him from a boy scout into a criminal mastermind. You can't get much worse or out-of-character than genocide so that's what will happen. Mark it down. Etch it in adamantium. There will happen.

Again, I don't usually make predictions with such confidence. I've never been more confident this time because it makes too much sense and will generate too much outrage. That's perfectly in line with Marvel's recent tactics. See Captain America's recent Hydra fiasco for proof of that. It also effectively takes Cyclops off the table, something that Marvel has been working towards for quite some time now, beginning with Avengers vs. X-men. He was the X-men's top dog for many years. As such, he had to suffer a huge fucking downfall. Marvel tends to do that with any character that reaches that kind of success, which is why Peter Parker better watch his fucking back in the next couple years.

It's not entirely doom and gloom though. Keep in mind, there's still another Cyclops running around. The plot involving the time-displaced X-men is still ongoing. So if what Cyclops does is so horrible and destructive, that's fine. They can undo that shit courtesy of the O5's impact on the timeline. That impact is likely going to be part of another major X-men event down the line. It probably won't occur for a few years, but this definitely raises the stakes. That's why it has to be horrific. That's why it has to be so awful that it'll enrage Cyclops fans and X-men fans on every possible level. Outrage breeds attention. Attention breeds interest. Interest breeds sales. It's marketing on a level that even a drunk can understand.

So bookmark this post and come back to it later this year. I'm very confident that I'll vindicated. I won't make any guarantees. I don't make those while sober. Ever. However, I'm as certain as any drunk can be that Death of X will have Cyclops committing the worst possible atrocity he can commit and it'll be done in a way that completes the utter assassination of his character, paving the way for his teen counterpart to take over. Nuff said!

Adolescence Is Everybody's Kryptonite: Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Creating an iconic character is like trying to create another Mona Lisa. There's no formula to it. Nobody truly knows whether a character will become an icon any more than Da Vinci knew that his paintings would be the subject of a Dan Brown novel. It's these iconic characters that make up the backbone of the comic book industry and if modern comics has a Mona Lisa, then it is best manifested in the character of Peter Parker.

He's not just a character that Marvel and Disney milk for billions. He's a proverbial everyman who readers can relate to more than aliens from Krypton, warriors from Paradise Island, or talking raccoons with machine guns. Peter Parker embodies that uniquely close connection with readers wherein his heroics and his persona aren't larger than life. The strength and success of Peter Parker helped make him an icon. He turned Toby McGuire a Hollywood superstar. He turned Andrew Garfield into someone other than that guy who once dated Emma Stone. Peter's influence is beyond dispute.

In the same way the music industry looks for the next Elvis Presley, Marvel keeps trying to create another Peter Parker. The success of such efforts are varied at best. For every Kamala Khan, there's are multiple Ben Rileys. By most measures, the biggest success to date is Miles Morales. He may have been born from the defunct pile of ashes that was the Ultimate Universe, but the strength of his character has made him an icon in his own right and he managed to do it without resorting to clones.

With the end of Secret Wars, Miles Morales has now set up shop in the prime Marvel Universe. Now, absent of the baggage that made the Ultimate Universe the ultimate afterthought, he's free to develop on a new path in Spider-Man #1. That path follows a similar route to Peter Parker with a few unique twists along the way. While the destination is the same, the route might be a bit too familiar at times.

Miles Morales is in a very different place compared to Peter Parker. It's not just because he's a teenager, he's still in high school, and he hasn't been cloned yet either. He's still trying to establish himself in this world of female Thors, talking trees, and time-displaced X-men. On top of all that, he has to do that while trying to navigate high school, grades, and teenage hormones. The responsibilities placed on him couldn't be more unreasonable without demanding he master origami in the process.

This is the sort of balancing act that Superman, Batman, and Captain America never have to deal with. They're adults dealing with adult problems. What Miles deals with, and what Peter Parker once dealt with as well, are problems that actual people face as teenagers. Give any teenager superpowers and they'll still struggle being a teenager. Adolescences is everybody's kryptonite to some degree. This is what made Peter Parker relatable in his youth. This is what makes Miles Morales relatable in Spider-Man #1.

Brian Michael Bendis goes out of his way to emphasize Miles' struggles as a teenage boy over his struggles as Spider-Man. He spends most of the issue out of his costume, dealing with the frustrations and complications that come with being a teenager. This includes struggling with grades, dealing with irate teenage girls, and discussing midterms with parents. For countless teenagers, this is every bit as daunting as a battle against Galactus.

It's a typical part of a teenager's life and a part that most adults try to forget. Spider-Man #1 goes out of its way to capture that and for good reasons. It's one of the most important elements of Spider-Man's formula. While this keeps Miles grounded, as prescribed by the classic Peter Parker formula, it does have some shortcomings.

At times, the narrative tries too hard to make Miles Morales into a younger, non-clone version of Peter Parker. In the same way it's impossible to recreate the Beatles without John Lennon, it's not possible to make Miles exactly like Peter. It's one thing to have him struggle with school, grades, and women. This has been the basis of every Spider-Man movie and cartoon for nearly two decades. However, Miles Morales has a few key elements that set him apart and these elements are poorly developed in Spider-Man #1.

Miles doesn't life with his Aunt and Uncle. Miles' best friend doesn't have a rich father who occasionally puts on goblin masks and throws pumpkin bombs. Most notably, Miles isn't the nerdy white boy that shows like The Big Bang Theory have been glorifying for a decade. He's a half-black, half-latino kid in an urban area. Expecting his experiences to be the same as Peter Parker requires a certain ignorance of 100 years of American race relations or a complete rejection of every rant Bill O'Riley has ever made on the subject.

That's not to say that these differences are outright ignored. Miles' friendship with Genke, as well as his dealings with his parents, do help establish that Miles is not a Peter Parker clone. In any Spider-Man story, that counts for a lot. However, the failure to explore the elements that make Miles a different kind of Spider-Man is a significant shortcoming for the story.

Despite such shortcomings, Spider-Man #1 still sticks close enough to the formula to work. It still shows Miles functioning as both a teenager and as Spider-Man. When he finally does put on his costume, he confronts a threat that doesn't feel like it was pasted from old Steve Ditko art. There is sufficient intrigue to make Miles Morales' story worth following.

Brian Michael Bendis and Sara Pichelli follow the necessary formula to make Miles Morales feel like Spider-Man, but the finished product feels incomplete. It lacks the kinds of egregious flaws that would make that formula volatile. There's never a sense in Spider-Man #1 that Miles Morales is ready to make a deal with Mephisto. Miles is still a long way from Peter Parker in terms of iconic status and movie appearances, but with this issue, he takes another important step.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

The Catalyst of a Genesis: Secret Wars #9

The following is my review of Secret Wars #9, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

In physics, every major reaction requires a catalyst. Some require a light tap. Some require a metric ton of TNT. When it comes to re-shaping their entire comic universe, Marvel likes to ramp it up to a cosmic scale and then ramp it up a little more for good measure. Secret Wars certainly succeeded in establishing itself on this scale. But that was the easy part. Like making a cake with a nuclear bomb, the narrative got messy at times and subsequent delays didn't help.

However, the various elements that emerged on this massive scale are finally set to converge in Secret Wars #9 and the final product promises to be as succulent as all the cakes ever baked by Willy Wonka. Every issue and the tie-ins that spun out of these issues have been converging, setting the stage for a final battle that even Peter Jackson would find impressive. The main challenge is conveying the impact of such a battle without making it feel like Mythbusters rerun.

Secret Wars has had its flaws, but nobody can accuse Jonathan Hickman of not being thorough in establishing Battleworld and the god-like power of Dr. Doom. Between his attention to detail and the sheer breadth of the conflict, Hickman has channeled his inner Stanley Kubrick in crafting the perfect narrative.

So much of the narrative has been built around the scope of this world that Doom created and just as much effort was put into upsetting that order. It's been brewing in various forms through various plot-threads. Now, it all comes together in Secret Wars #9 to end Battleworld and foster the creation of a new Marvel universe. And the impact of this creation is akin to the aroma of freshly baked cookies on Christmas Eve.

Hickman dots the last of his I's and crosses the last of his T's. The big epic battles that unfolded in the previous issues set the stage for the final showdown between Dr. Doom, Reed Richards, and the few remaining characters who have survived to this point. Nothing is rushed. Nothing feels contrived. It's like pure spring water that hasn't been processed and package by a soft drink company. It's as refreshing as it sounds.

The fighting itself is visceral, but not just because of Esad Ribic's fine artwork. The drama, which has been marinating this story like a premium-quality flank steak, makes every word, every punch, and every off-hand comment by Spider-Man feel meaningful. Despite the delays, the teasers, and the trolling at various points, the impact is there and undeniably potent. It's not on the same level as the impact of seeing The Force Awakened after camping outside a theater for two weeks, but it's in the same time zone.

The primary source of that impact begins and ends with the classic clash between Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. It's one of the most famous conflicts in the history of Marvel and Secret Wars #9 adds another layer to that vast mythos. It effectively accomplishes what Tim Story and Josh Trank failed to do, despite having access to Rupert Murdock's pocketbook.

This clash, however, isn't just between two brilliant minds or two opposing philosophies. This is a conflict built around the core personalities of each character. Both are entirely convinced they're right. One of them just happens to have god-like power. That means this can't be a civil debate. It can't be something that's moderated by Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper. It has to come down to the core of both character.

It starts off lopsided. Reed comes armed only with the truth and his intellect. Dr. Doom has god-like power. That's like one side having a paper clip and the other having a nuclear bomb. But that god-like power ends up becoming a non-factor and not just because Reed subverts it. He doesn't even try to confront that power. He only tries to confront the man.

This is where the dramatic weight, along with Ribic's distinct art style, becomes the fudge icing on top of a plate of brownies. Take away the Doombots, the Fantasticars, the goofy costumes, and masks and you just have two personalities with the same goal. Both Reed Richards and Dr. Doom wanted to save a world that they knew was going to die. In their struggles, they reveal what drove them to do what they did. Neither comes off as inherently wrong, but Doom still comes off as exceedingly petty.

What makes the outcome satisfying is that neither side is humiliated or defeated. There's no scene where Dr. Doom vows horrible revenge on Reed, his family, and the next 10 generations of his descendants. Both actually manage to come out of the conflict better.

In the same mold, a renewed Marvel universe comes out of this conflict. It's not yet clear that it's completely free of incursions, retcons, and clones. But it's a world born from the clash between these two characters. It doesn't just feel like everything just snapped back to the way it was like the end of every sitcom made before 1987. This new Marvel universe feels like a beat up old Cadillac that got a much-needed makeover.

The rebirth of a new Marvel universe makes for a very satisfying conclusion, which has been the exception rather than the norm for man Marvel events. A story on the scope and scale of Secret Wars, complete with agonizing delays and multiple tie-ins, felt like one of those stories that could only ever have a forced, convoluted ending on par with the Seinfeld finale. But Hickman found a way to make it work and Ribic found a way to make it visually stunning.

In terms of accomplishments, this ranks right up there with revitalizing Robert Downy Jr.'s career as one Marvel's greatest. A year from now, nobody is going to remember the delays. Our collective attention spans barely last beyond a season of American Idol. The whole narrative of Secret Wars is now complete, polished, and worthy of its own trophy case.

Not every tie-in was satisfying. Not every character got a chance to shine. But the core narrative that culminated in Secret Wars #9 made it feel as though every character and sub-plot got a chance to contribute. Every moment carried some level of the dramatic weight. In the end, it made Secret Wars feel less like another event comic and more like a catalyst for the next stage of the Marvel mythos. The fact that it made readers feel better about forking over more of their hard-earned money to the Marvel enterprise is just a nice bonus for us and Disney's accountants.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Secret Wars #9: Nuff Said!

We don't like to admit it, but some things are actually worth the agonizing wait. Star Wars fans recently figured that out in the best possible way. The big difference with Secret Wars is that nobody is going to get shot over spoilers and Disney accountants won't be able to build castles of money from the sales. Due to all the bullshit delays that Secret Wars has endured, its ending can only have an impact comparable to prostate exam from a skilled, big-boobed nurse. If done right, it can be pretty awesome. If not, then the shit that comes out isn't going to be pretty. But even though it's several months overdue, I'm committed to reviewing Secret Wars #9 to determine whether the wait was worth it. If you're a Star Wars fan, I might suggest lowering the bar just a little.

Quick question, how do you fight a god-powered Dr. Doom? It sounds like a trick question, like how do you do the amount of blow Keith Richards does on a Saturday and survive. But it does have an answer. You use a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. That’s what Black Panther is packing and finally, it gives Doom a challenge. He can’t snap his neck like Cyclops or burn his ass to a crisp like Dr. Strange. He has to actually get off his ass and do something. I’m sure that’s a novel concept for any god.

Namor gets in on the action as well, throwing in a few punches. But seeing as how he gets his fucking head cut off after this in Squadron Supreme, it’s kind of bittersweet. At least he can die saying he banged Emma Frost and fought a god-powered Dr. Doom. A man who dies with that on his resume can die with some pride. That’s for damn sure.

But you don’t just need an Infinity Gauntlet to fuck with Dr. Doom’s perfect world. You just need to get into the head of the hot blonde he made his wife. Reed finally gets to confront Sue, who still believes Dr. Doom is her husband. She’s now insanely skeptical. To her credit, she doesn’t laugh or bust Reed’s balls with a ratchet. I tried telling a woman that I’m from a world where she wasn’t married to such a douche-bag. I got a kick in the balls and a face full of cheap beer. So no, it’s not an effective pick-up line.

Reed, being the super-genius he is, finds a way to make it work. He doesn’t immediately get Sue to call a heavenly divorce lawyer or anything. He just convinces her that this shit they call Battleworld ain’t right and he can fix that. The fact he says it with a manly fucking beard probably gives Sue enough reason to hear him out. And Reed’s balls are probably thankful.

With his balls intact, he ventures into the fucked up realm where Dr. Doom is keeping Molecule Man, also known as the source of Doom’s godly power. It’s not a pleasant place to be and Ultimate Reed doesn’t help. They come with the intention of ending Doom’s power. Ultimate Reed uses it as an opportunity for the Ultimate Universe to do one last dick move.

How fucked up is it that in a story where Dr. Doom has god-like power, Ultimate Reed is the biggest douche? It’s a testament to both his assholery and the shitty effect the Ultimate Universe has on characters. He thinks he can end his counterpart, take Molecule Man’s power for himself, and spread Ultimate Marvel’s shit to the omniverse. Molecule Man says, “Fuck that!” and turns him into a bunch of meat slices. It’s as satisfying as it sounds. It couldn’t be more satisfying if he turned his piss into vodka.

All this tampering with the source of Doom’s power is sure to get noticed at some point. It’s here where Dr. Doom realizes that as nice as god-like power is, sometimes god-like awareness is more useful. He finds out the hard way that Black Panther was just jerking him around and not in the fun way with the Infinity Gauntlet. He was just distracting him and it fucking worked. That’s right. He fucking outwitted a god-powered Doom. It’s not as impressive as Namor banging Emma Frost, but he’ll live after Secret Wars. He’ll have his chances to catch up.

After getting that cold glare from Sue, which only a hot blonde can deliver, Dr. Doom turns his godly capacity to get pissed off on Reed. And even the lawyers that work for Disney and Fox have to admit it. This is how Secret Wars had to culminate. And Molecule Man, sick of Dr. Doom’s shit, ensures this is an even fight. Dr. Doom can’t use his godly power to end it with the same ease as blocking an internet troll on Twitter. He has to do what most gods avoid doing and put some actual effort into confronting his failures. Somewhere out there, the ghost of Nietzsche is smiling.

This is the battle that everyone since Roger Corman has failed to put into a movie. It’s Reed Richards versus Dr. Doom, the Marvel equivalent of Foreman versus Ali. One is an egotistical dictator who thinks he can fix everything if only he had god like power. One is a super-genius who doesn’t need to be in order to point out how fucked up that idea is.

The clash here is epic, personal, and visceral. There’s no explosions. There’s no cute princess being held in chains. It’s just two men with decades of animosity, fighting in the most meaningful way that doesn’t involve a broken beer bottle. What makes it so satisfying is that in the end, even the god-powered Doom can’t deny it. Reed is still better than him. I don’t care how much godly power Doom has. That shit hurts him, but it makes fans like me squee like a John Oliver in a room full of kittens.

This final clash allows Molecule Man to deliver the final shot in this war, ending both Dr. Doom’s godly reign and Battleworld. He’s still the source of all the power. That means he can end this shit in ways that’ll make Michael Bay jizz his pants. In one big bang, he effectively ends Battleworld. It’s not like when Ultimate Marvel ended and it was more of a “good riddance, that shit was overdue” type feeling. This is more of a “whoa fuck, this deserve another beer!” type feeling. And for a series that has been subject to so many shitty delays, that’s saying something.

So Battleworld ends. That’s it, right? Marvel’s universe is over. They’re shutting down the comics and focusing only on movies, video games, and TV shows that rip off X-men, right? Unless you just came out of a 30-year coma, you have no excuse for being surprised when Black Panther wakes up in a new Marvel Universe. He had a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. Of course he survived.

When he wakes up, he arrives back in his home of Wakanda. The time period is unclear, but there’s no god-powered Dr. Doom in sight so something must have gone right. There’s no mud pit where Storm and Emma Frost are wrestling naked either, but nobody said it was perfect. He arrives just in time to see a vision for a new future for his people. For a guy who went toe-to-toe with Dr. Doom and survived, he’s earned it. I’m sure he still would’ve preferred that mud wrestling match between Storm and Emma, but what are you going to do?

Jump ahead another 8 months. Somewhere along the line, the entire mutant race got fucked over worse than anyone who invested in a Syrian time share scam. But also, some of the less shitty elements from Ultimate Marvel made it into this new universe. That includes, and is almost exclusive to, Miles Morales. He and Peter Parker can now rub elbows in a way that still pisses off racists on the internet, but just not as much. And since you never want to piss off racists too much, I’m going to call that a win.

But what the fuck exactly happened to create this new universe? Did Molecule Man always have the ability to just blow up Battleworld whenever he got bored with Dr. Doom’s shit? Could it really be that contrived? Given Marvel’s history, I certainly wouldn’t be shocked.

But praise Odin’s beard and Emma Frost’s tits! That’s not the case this time. We do get a pretty concise explanation for what happened, courtesy of Valeria Richards. Instead of using this power to make Dr. Doom a god-powered asshole, he channels it through Reed Richards to create entirely new universes from that power. He even is nice enough to heal Molecule Man in the process, something Dr. Doom never would’ve done unless it made Reed’s balls shrivel. They didn’t just fix the universe. They created new ones in the process. It’s like planting one seed and getting enough weed for 20 joints. It’s a beautiful thing.

It makes for a moment that’s actually happy and satisfying for the Richards family. Thanks to Josh Trank and a vendetta by Disney against anything they can’t exploit the fuck out of in their movies, the Fantastic Four haven’t had many. They’re a family again. They’re not dead. And unlike mutants, they haven’t been killed off, diseased, or sterilized. But they do have a new purpose now. Instead of just rubbing elbows with the Avengers and occasionally shitting all over the X-men, they’re just going to be a family and explore these new universes. Given all the ways they could’ve been screwed over by Secret Wars, this is the best thing they could’ve hoped for that didn’t involve puppies that shit chocolate.

But what about Dr. Doom? Did he get the divine screw-job he so rightly deserved? Nobody would shed a tear for his unholy ass if that happened. But those who picked up Invincible Iron Man already know this is not the case. In one last act that might have been an indirect middle finger from Reed, he heals Dr. Doom’s disfigured face. And he now wakes up in Latveria, looking far less menacing and much more fuckable. So in the end, everybody got a happy ending.

Except mutants. It still sucks to be a mutant, an X-man, or anything Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner have ever touched.

So...is it awesome?

Let me put it this way. That big-boobed nurse who gave that prostate exam I mentioned also had a nice ass. In another way, a simple fuck yes is appropriate. Star Wars fans might still scoff, but anyone who has endured the craptastic endings of Fear Itself and Avengers vs. X-men will take note. The delays, the tie-ins, and bullshit teasers that made the delays even worse became an afterthought in the end. And when you forget about that crap without the aid of a case of Jack Daniels, then that's how you know that Hickman and Ribic accomplished something here.

It's a classic clash, Dr. Doom and Reed Richards. At no point did it feel like Josh Trank and Tim Story were blowing each other behind the scenes. It's a culmination of a cosmic shit storm that might not have made all the shitty tie-ins better, but it made the end result pretty damn satisfying. The Marvel universe has been reborn and it doesn't feel like someone's grave got pissed on. Sure, the Ultimate universe died, but let's face it. That was a mercy killing at best. This new world may suck donkey balls for mutants, but the catalyst that created it in Secret Wars #9 is pretty damn awesome for all those involved.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

Marvel Trolls "Dead No More" Again

Let's face it. Death isn't just a revolving door at Marvel. It's basically the anti-TSA. They actively go out of their way to avoid achieving their stated goal. Death is basically the only vacation Marvel heroes ever get. Some get more than others. Some get it for way longer than they want. Just ask Jean Grey, Gwen Stacy, and Richard Rider. But it's never a matter of if Marvel will bring back a dead character. It's never even a matter if Marvel will kill a major character. It's when.

Enter their latest act of trolling and fuck if it doesn't work. Courtesy of CBR and Newsarama, Marvel has declared "Dead No More" with absolutely no context. The part where they basically have their fans by the hearts and the balls is basically implied.

CBR: Marvel Proclaims "Dead No More"

Naturally, this raises the question who will be kicking the grim reaper in the balls this time? It's not like there's any shortage of dead characters. Wolverine, Jean Grey, Cyclops, Richard Rider, half the Fantastic Four...that's a pretty stacked bullpen if ever there was one. And Marvel knows we gladly throw our money at resurrection stories. DC only reinforced that with Blackest Night. So who could it be?

Wolverine? No, too soon. Plus, we've got Old Man Logan and X-23 running around in new roles.

Jean Grey? Tempting, but also too soon. Marvel is having way too much fun with her hormonal, immature teenage self. And Sophie Turner's role in X-men Apocalypse will only reinforce this sentiment.

Richard Rider? And fuck up the added diversity that Sam Alexander brings to the table? Fuck no, they're not going to do that.

The Fantastic Four? Pretty sure Marvel would rather wait until people forget about Josh Trank.

So here's my insanely drunken prediction. It'll be Doc Ock. Yeah, remember him? The asshole that took over Peter Parker's body and did a much better job being Spider-Man than Peter could ever hope? There's no way he'll stay dead. At some point, he has to come back and rub that shit in Peter's face, take back what he built, and send Peter Parker back to square fucking one, as Marvel tends to do every few years or so.

But don't take my word for it. I'm a drunk. I know about as much as the guy claiming to be Jesus on a street corner. This is just my take. I'm usually wrong, but I'm not going to stop trying. Like Al Bundy, I never win, but I never quit either. Nuff said!

Ultimate (Overdue) Collapse: Ultimate End #5

The following is my review of Ultimate End #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

When Lindsey Lohan gets pulled over for another DUI, few are surprised. When DMX gets slapped with another paternity suit, few are shocked. These are events that people have become numb to because it's seen as all too common. Whatever innocence or reputation there once was is now as distant a memory as Vanilla Ice's music career. Sometimes it's just a product of new competition and an inability to keep up. Other times, it's a product of tragedy that can act as a cautionary tale for future generations.

When Kurt Cobain said, "It's better to burn out than fade away," he might as well have hand-written a warning note to Ultimate Marvel. At a time when flip-phones dominated the cell phone market, Ultimate Marvel was the hottest brand in comics. It became the gold standard for an entire industry. The quality of any superhero comic had to be measured against books like the Ultimates, Ultimate Spider-Man, and Ultimate X-men.

These books set the bar. They established what a great superhero comic ought to be. Then, like MC Hammer's bank account, it suffered a devastating decline from which it did not recover. If Ultimate Marvel were a drug addict, it would've overdosed years ago.

Now, after three failed relaunches and a complete destruction of everything that made Ultimate Marvel relevant, this world that once set the gold standard for Marvel is set to end. Fittingly enough, it's two most recognizable names, Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley, act as the undertakers in its final issue. Ultimate End #5 is the last comic to carry the once-prominent Ultimate brand. But beyond being far more bitter than bittersweet, it fails once again to live up to that gold standard. In fact, it barely succeeds in living up to a copper standard.

Even as a tie-in for Secret Wars, Ultimate End as a whole only succeeds as a catalyst for putting Miles Morales in the mainline Marvel Universe, absent most of Ultimate Marvel's obscene amounts of baggage. And this success really only comes in Ultimate End #5. The previous four issues contributed next to nothing in this effort. All they did was put a bunch of 616 and Ultimate characters in the same domain, watch them bicker for reasons that are never fully explained, and pretend there's a plot.

It's the same tactic Michael Bay uses in movies that involve Megan Fox. The only difference is that Michael Bay movies make boatload of money and are actually entertaining at times. There's really not much entertainment value in Ultimate End. Other than Hawkeye getting deep-fried by Thor and Tony Stark literally arguing with himself, the story barely has the impact of a Simpsons rerun.

To this point, the 616 and Ultimate sides have just been bickering and arguing. It never feels sincere or dramatic. Every ounce of conflict in this story feels forced, as though there just had to be one last clash between 616 and Ultimate before Ultimate joined that big quarter bin in the sky. In addition to being forced, it's also rushed. If there is any chance at drama, it's glossed over in order to keep the conflict going. This story tries so hard to be a spectacle. It wants to be a fireworks show, but it's only armed with half a box of matches.

On top of the conflict being forced, the entire setup of Ultimate End was confusing and vague. There was no rhyme or reason as to how this particular group of 616 and Ultimate characters ended up in this segment of Battleworld. That made the conflict of the first four issues even more hollow. Ultimate End #5 finally offers an explanation of sorts, but it comes far too late to give the story any weight.

At the very least, the explanation offered in this story creates a solid connection with the overall narrative of Secret Wars. Miles Morales was one of the few survivors of the final incursion so he provided the catalyst for revealing the truth about this final Ultimate/616 conflict. That truth is still somewhat contrived. It basically amounts to a god-powered Dr. Doom taking a select group of 616 and Ultimate characters and throwing them into some random section of Battleworld the same way a kid throws a bunch of action figures in a microwave. It has only slightly more appeal than it sounds.

There is still a concerted effort on the part of Brian Michael Bendis to inject some dramatic weight into this moment. When both the Ultimate and 616 characters realize they're just melted bits of plastic in Dr. Doom's toy chest, it does end the meaningless conflict that has been unfolding for the past four issues. It just isn't in time for anyone to do much with it. If anything, it makes the first four issues of Ultimate End feel like one, prolonged missed opportunity.

Missed or not, the revelation triggers a montage of sorts that attempts to put the finality of the story into context. At the very least, it tries to focus on the happier times, absent the Ray Connors, the nerd Hulks, and the incest with the Maximoff twins. It does make for a solemn moment where we, the readers, are left to remember how rich and promising Ultimate once was. In doing so, however, it also reminds us just how drastically it declined as a whole. It's not just bittersweet. It's downright tragic.

Brian Michael Bendis can now say without reservation that he's the only Ultimate writer who resisted the urge to throw Ultimate Marvel into a blender. His work on Ultimate Spider-Man was the only sliver of the Ultimate universe that remained true to the overall themes of Ultimate Marvel. His efforts to remain true to those themes in Ultimate End are respectable. But like trying to make mullets a fashionable hair style again, his efforts can only go so far.

The ultimate tragedy of Ultimate End #5 is that it set goals that it had no chance of achieving. Like Homer Simpson attempting brain surgery, it was destined to get messy. It tried to encompass everything that once made Ultimate Marvel so appealing. It could only ever remind readers that this appeal ended years ago. Marvel just finally got around to making it official.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Secret Wars #8: Nuff Said!

There aren't a lot of situations where I'm okay with delays. Whether it's my flight to Las Vegas or a traffic jam on the freeway or my latte at a coffee shop, I just have a low threshold for getting pissed. That said, I will tolerate delays to some extent in comics if the end result is sufficiently awesome. There just comes a point where that extent becomes so frustrating that I lose my capacity to give enough fucks.

Secret Wars #8 was supposed to come out three months ago. Fuck, it was supposed to be the final issue. Instead, someone at Marvel must have gotten some really shitty weed because their schedule has been more fucked than a Bangkok crack whore. But it's still a story that has been building and escalating in all the right ways. And damn it, I'm going to swallow my frustration, along with what's left of my Thanksgiving leftovers, to review this book for you lovely people.

You don’t need to know too much about the setup. There’s a big fucking battle raging. It’s Secret WARS, remember? There’s Spider-Man, Hulk, Sinister, Thors…pretty much everyone who can make a big fucking war and make it awesome. The last issue established the epic scale. If at this point you don’t appreciate it, you should probably lay off the Xanax.

That’s not to say there isn’t a larger strategy here. While the big ass war is unfolding outside Castle Doom, the two Reed Richards are trying to sneak in with help from Starlord. That goes about a s well as you would think. The fact they only got hit by a Hulk means they got off easy.

Speaking of Hulks, remember that big fucking Hellicarrier that arrived at the battle at the end of the previous issue? The one that, for a brief moment, looked like it was going to make Doom break a divine sweat? Well, it doesn’t matter if you forgot or were too stoned to care because Doom has something better than a Hellicarrier with Hulks. He has a giant fucking Thing to take them down. And no, that’s not a dick joke. But it ought to be.

The explosions, the destruction, and the fighting really don’t need much detail here. It’s like a big pair of tits. No words are needed to convey the awesome. And the arrival of a reanimated Galactus? I’ll let that speak for itself too.

It’s an epic battle on an epic scale that should give everyone an epic erection and/or pussy boner. But there are still a few finer details that ensure this battle will do more than just inconvenience Doom. The Richards duo and Starlord might have been hit by a Hulk, but when has that ever stopped them from landing? Like a North Korean airliner, they still get to their destination and crash in Castle Doom. Now they can fuck with Dr. Doom in a more subtle way. They can’t punch him in the balls, but they can give him a nasty rectal itch.

But who really wants to see two versions of Reed Richards get a rage boner for Dr. Doom? This is a Secret WAR god damn it! Let’s see some more war! A giant Thing and Galactus might make things too lopsided though. That’s why Thanos decides to finally join the fun, complete with the Annihilation Horde. This finally gets Dr. Doom to do something other than watch his world turn against him. It’s finally annoyed him to the point where he’s willing to get off his divine ass and act. Like having to take a piss during a football game, it’s annoying, but necessary.

It gets slightly less annoying for Doom when his pet Galactus makes the battle just a bit more uneven. It’s a little rushed, but not for the same reason a zord battle in a Power Rangers episode is rushed. When Thing finds out that it’s Franklin Richards whose piloting his Galactus zord, he’s no longer quite so eager to wreck Doom’s shit. In fact, he’s so un-eager that he lets Franklin finish him off.

It’s a powerful moment and there have been more than one in this series. Despite the annoying delays, this one still has an impact. Thing would rather die than take down someone he loves. That could be a dick joke as well, but it wouldn’t be a very funny one.

You know what is funny though? Starlord fighting the Black Swan. Why is it funny? Well, it’s not because Starlord has a lousy record in battles against sexy female villain types. It’s because he knows he’s outmatched. Hell, even his dick knows it. But he still carries himself with the kind of swag that makes him worthy of being played by Chris Pratt. Sure, he lets her kick his ass for a bit, but he’s got a plan and it doesn’t involve more dick jokes.

The non-sober crowd might not have noticed, but Starlord has been chewing on a tooth pick since this issue began. Since he’s neither a hillbilly nor a NASCAR fan, he has to have a reason for it. Well, that reason happens to have a name and he likes to remind people of that name. No, it’s not Kid Rock. It’s fucking Groot. You can just hear Vin Disel’s voice and how it soaks every pair of panties in a five-mile radius. On top of that, he grows to a level where he can do the kind of remodeling on Castle Doom that we don’t see outside of a Mythbusters special. It’s a very satisfying moment and I’d be shocked if this didn’t make Black Swan horny on some levels.

So Starlord is taking care of things on his end. He might even get laid if he’s really lucky. Reed Richards (at least one of them) might be able to say the same because while Castle Doom is crumbling like the Cleveland Browns’ season, Valeria manages to lead Sue to him. Now keep in mind, she’s still brainwashed into thinking she’s Dr. Doom’s queen and Battleworld is the only world that matters. Now, she’s face-to-face with Reed again. Not only that, he’s rocking an epic beard. I’d be shocked if even this version of Sue can keep her panties on for more than 15 minutes.

Sadly, it’s not the emotional reunion it could’ve been. It’s more of a teaser. And given how every issue of this series has been more delayed than a Guns N’ Roses album, it’s pretty frustrating. But it’s not completely shrugged off or thrown away off-panel. It’s not like this is an X-men comic.

There are some things that just can’t and shouldn’t be done off-panel. A clash between Thanos and Dr. Doom is one of them. Like a nude oil wrestling match between Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox, it cannot and should not be glossed over. Thanos has already annoyed the fuck out of Doom by breaking down the walls that separate Battleworld. And since he’s more merciful than most gods, Doom actually offers him a chance at redemption. If he just places faith in him, he’ll make him a new baron. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Well, Doom is not a Scientologist and Thanos is not Tom Cruise. So naturally, Thanos tells Doom to go fuck himself. That’s some pretty serious blasphemy and Dr. Doom deals with it the same way Saudi Arabia deals with it. He fucking offs Thanos with just as much ease as he offed a Cyclops-powered Phoenix. It’s every bit as badass as it sounds.

So again, the balance is now tipped in Doom’s favor. He’s the one with the god-like power. There’s only so much edge anyone can have over him. He’s now in a position to deal with this war the same way Bill Belichick deals with annoying journalists. He’s taken out Thanos and a giant Thing. With his kind of god-like power, what more can anyone throw at him that would be more than a mild cough?

Well, there’s always zombies. Never forget about zombies. Battleworld had a whole domain of them and as it just so happens, a portal opens that lets a whole fuckton of them come charging through. And if the Walking Dead has shown us anything, it’s that zombies make any fucked up situation more frustrating. A god-powered Doom isn’t immune to that.

But a portal of zombies alone isn’t enough to make a god-powered Dr. Doom worry. It’ll still annoy him, but not to the point where it’s anything more than extensive target practice. But that’s not all that comes through the portal. In addition to zombies, Namor and Black Panther show up and they’ve got something better than a trillion zombies. They’ve got a fucking Infinity Gauntlet. The list of things that’ll make a god-powered Dr. Doom shit himself is exceedingly short, but this has to be at the top, right along with an army of giant Hulks on meth.

So...is it awesome?

To this, I say a partial fuck yes! Any comic that has a giant monster Groot fight Galactus while Dr. Doom wastes Thanos like a fresh line of blow is awesome by default on some levels. Even shitty delays can't keep a moment like that from being pretty damn satisfying. But after the previous issue set up the kind of epic final battle that Peter Jackson probably jerks off to, this battle didn't exactly follow through. It didn't strike out, but it didn't hit a home run either. There's still plenty to enjoy. Like half a joint, it won't get you high, but it will put a smile on your face. Plus, the final issue still offers the possibility of a full-joint when it comes out...whenever the fuck that might be.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Winning (and Losing) the West: Red Wolf #1

The following is my review of Red Wolf #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There was a time when the Western narrative had its own VIP section in the realm of pop culture. Then, Clint Eastwood got old and superhero movies took their place in that VIP section. While Westerns still embody a unique element of the American mythos, it'll never generate the $1.5 billion box office that a solid Avengers movie makes.

Nobody is going to mistake William “Red Wolf” Talltrees for Clint Eastwood, but he is one of the few remaining embodiment of that Western mythos, albeit in an atypical fashion. He's not some grizzled old white man looking to thumb his nose at the law. He's basically the Native American version of Captain America. He embodies the power, spirit, and grit of his people. He has the same commitment to justice, but gets only a hundredth of the attention of Steve Rogers. In some respects, it's reflective of the limited attention real Native Americans get.

With Secret Wars, Marvel is giving Red Wolf a chance to join the growing pantheon of diversity in comics. It's becoming a rather crowded pantheon with Kamala Khan, Moon Girl, and Sam Wilson. But there's still room in this mythos for another hero who embodies another minority. Red Wolf #1 makes the case that William Talltrees can be that hero. He ends up being the hero the stereotypical western town of Timely needs. On top of that, he’s way more hero than they deserve.

There are a great many obstacles that the Tony Starks, the Steve Rogers, and the Peter Parkers of the world have to overcome. Those obstacles have made for plenty of memorable stories. However, these heroes all have one thing in common. Their race has never caused them any hardship. That’s not to make light of genuine patriotism and murdered loved ones, but it’s easy to overlook how much easier life is when you don’t have to worry about racism, slurs, and Fox News anchors.

Red Wolf #1 does not shy away from these racist obstacles. In fact, it’s downright blatant about it. Nobody in Timely calls Red Wolf by his name, his superhero name, or even his title as Sheriff. Instead, they use the kinds of words that went out of style back in the 1950s. These are words that would get most people crushed by Twitter trolls if they used those words today. But Red Wolf shows a level of restraint that makes him unfit for Twitter, but more than fit for being a hero.

Having inherited the role of Sheriff from a John Wayne version of Steve Rogers, Red Wolf is responsible for maintaining order in Timely. He does this despite the people of Timely making clear that they trust him about as much as they would trust Al Sharpton. Red Wolf’s authority is so poorly respected that he struggles to settle a dispute over a couple of cows. There’s little doubt that if Steve Rogers had intervened, the conflict would be resolved without inspiring any new Twitter hashtags.

Yet despite the racism he faces, Red Wolf does his duty. He upholds the law, even when neither he nor his title are respected. It offers a unique perspective that can’t be found, even with Miles Morales or Kamala Khan. At least they live in an era where overt racism gets most people sent to the principal’s office or to sensitivity training. In the old west, six shooters and slurs rule the day.

Red Wolf’s commitment to his duty establishes a theme for his story and his struggles. This story unfolds in the form of a fairly generic murder mystery that would probably fit right into at least two Clint Eastwood movies. But this mystery quickly takes a turn that seems more befitting of Tim Burton.

The main purpose of the story isn’t just establishing who Red Wolf is and the racism he has to deal with. The purpose of the story is to put Red Wolf in a position to become part of the larger Marvel universe. In the same way Miles Morales and Old Man Logan have become part of that universe, Red Wolf is set to join them. Since he’ll be entering a time where minorities can get arrested for sneezing on a cop the wrong way, his commitment is all the more admirable.

While the purpose of this story is accomplished in a way that feels satisfying and compelling, it does feel rushed at times. The mystery that unfolds doesn’t get all that elaborate. It barely has the depth of a Scooby Doo rerun, minus a creepy guy in a costume.

One moment, Red Wolf is dreading some dangerous killer who wields magic that a six-shooter can’t stop. The next, this killer just shows up and trolls him. There’s no duel. There’s no horse race. There’s no whiskey-fueled trash talk. There’s just one of those mysterious villain that Captain America takes out at least once a week.

The battle he has with Red Wolf isn’t going to inspire Steven Spielbergs, but it does provide some action that doesn’t just involve angry cows or racist lynch mobs. It also acts as the catalyst that brings Red Wolf out of Timely and into a Marvel universe that is eager to embrace more diversity. Compared to a world racist, redneck stereotypes, it’s definitely an upgrade.

Red Wolf #1 succeeds in most of what it seeks to accomplish. It establishes Red Wolf as character worthy of respect and intrigue. At a time when characters like Peter Parker and Cyclops keep finding new ways to spit on their superhero credibility, his arrival in the All-New, All-Different Marvel universe couldn’t be more appropriate.

It’s still only a moderately engaging story. But at a time when good westerns are relegated to commercial-laden broadcasts on basic cable, it’s still enjoyable. It has the potential to succeed in ways not seen since Back to the Future III. Red Wolf just has to make sure he doesn’t hook up with any of his descendants.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Secret Wars #7: Nuff said!

It's late as fuck, partially spoiled, and coming out at a time when some of us are still hung over from Halloween. But in the same way every mall in America assumes I want to do my Christmas shopping this early, I assume enough readers still give a shit about what's going on in Secret Wars. There are only a few issues left. Dr. Doom has already laid the foundation for screwing himself over. It's just a matter of actually getting there. But due to so many shitty delays, even a god-powered Doom only has the power to give so many fucks. I'll try to conjure as many fucks as possible as I review Secret Wars #7, but I'm not making any promises. At least not until I get the taste of Pumpkin Ale and tequila out of my mouth.

Right now, Doom is going to be the one who needs some ale and tequila of the very unholy variety. It's been brewing for a while, both in the tie-ins and in the main series. People are starting to suspect that a world where Doom is god just ain't right. And now, some of Marvel's mightiest heroes are channeling their inner Christopher Hitchens and rebelling against a god-powered Doom in ways that would make the entire Catholic Church shit themselves. One of them even has raised an army and marched right onto Doom's doorstep. Sure, it's only Maximus, whose about as menacing as a barista in a bad mood. But he's got a fucking army and people are actually following him. Now Doom is about to find out how Pat Robertson feels on an atheist message board.

It's not like Doom is twiddling his thumbs and laughing his ass off at idiots who write holy books in his name. He does see this shit storm brewing. He is aware that adherents are getting less and less willing to kiss his divine ass. But he still has god-like power and a smoking hot blonde in Sue Richards by his side. So he still has the edge. But even Sue suspects this isn't just Richard Dawkins publishing another god-bashing book. This is a real threat, right up there with the IRS threatening to audit a church.

While Doom is preparing his holy response, the battle below begins to unfold. It's pretty damn epic, albeit not on the same scale as the third Lord of the Rings movie. It still has battles that involve Sinister, Captain Marvel, and the Goblin Queen. To hell with elves and wizards. They don't look half a sexy as Madelyne Pryor.

Even without that epic scale, there are a few twist that will give Doom an even holier headache. Sinister decides he no longer has a boner for redheads and obscenely revealing outfits. He's now into blonds and with Captain Marvel's help, he turns on the Goblin Queen. I can't fault a guy for changing tastes. Goblin Queen might give you a good boner, but Captain Marvel will kick more ass. It's a hard choice for any man's penis, but in the heat of a battle, you go with the woman who kicks more ass.

But once again, a man who makes hard choices with his penis tends to get fucked over in the end. Sinister's betrayal doesn't go unnoticed. In fact, the end result is him getting his fucking head chopped off by one of Apocalypse's buddies. Now for Sinister, this is more of an inconvenience than a defeat. Granted, it's going to be a lot harder for him to have fun with Captain Marvel, but it still helps add to the visceral chaos of the battle.

That's really the point of this unfolding shit storm. This unholy order that Doom created in Battleworld is starting to fuck itself. His barons are betraying one another. Now, they're decapitating one another. That's not a formula for a stable order, no matter how holy you are. Doom may or may not realize that, but I imagine his ass is getting more sore by the nanosecond.

But Doom still has the edge, right? I mean it's not just that he has god-like power in a world that HE created. This guy snapped the next of a Phoenix-powered Cyclops. He also happens to have an army of Thors at his disposal. Surely ending an uprising like this should be as simple as ordering a pizza.

There's just one problem. Even the pizza boys are turning against him. Thor (the Jane Foster one) has been channeling her inner Christopher Hitchens as well. She's like Sam Harris giving a lecture at the Vatican, turning the Thor Corp against Doom. And if you read Thors #4, you know she succeeded and didn't even need to flash her boobs. Now, she's got the Thors going up against Doom as well. Surely, he can't snap all their necks.

The Thors add more chaos to the battle. There's hammers, explosions, firepower, and Sinister's head. It's definitely starting to escalate. It still doesn't feel quite as epic as it ought to. There are games of Starcraft that feel more epic, but not by much.

However, the arrival of the Thors does effectively nullify any edge Doom has with his barons. Apocalypse might have been able to end Sinister's treacherous ass before he fucked Doom's world up more than it already was, but can he do that against an army of Thors? Maybe the Thors are also mistaking him for Ivan Ooze because they think they can take his ass down. Sinister is still a useless head, but I get the sense he felt he made the right decision by not siding with Doom.

So now the Thors have turned against Doom. And his barons are cutting each other's heads off. He's still not completely fucked, right? He's still got godly power, a smoking hot blonde by his side, and armies of loyal minions. He basically has what the Vatican wishes it had back in the day before all this annoying enlightenment shit took hold. He's still got the edge, right?

Well if an army of Thors turning against him wasn't bad enough, how about an army of Hulks? That's right, the events of Contest of Champions did not come out in Doom's favor. Now, like a compulsive gambler in debt to Tony Soprano, they're coming to fuck him up and they're not just going to stop at breaking his legs. Any battle that has both Hulks and Thors in it is inherently epic. And at this point, no amount of godly power is going to keep Doom from shitting himself.

It's a hell of a battle that's unfolding. It has all the potential to be the most epic clash outside the new Star Wars movie. And it doesn't even involve Tony Stark shooting shit with giant guns...yet. But there are still elements of this battle unfolding behind the scenes that still don't think this is enough. Hulks and Thors are all well and good, but it's not going to kick Doom's ass in the way he deserves.

Enter Reed Richards...not one, but two of them. One is evil as fuck. One is pissed off to no end because Doom stole his wife and family. They're both working together with Starlord to cut off Doom's power and let all the people he's pissed off do the rest. It's not as brilliant as I would expect from Reed Richards, but I can't say I blame him for wanting to see Doom suffer.

And if all this isn't enough, because I guess there's just no such thing as overkill when it comes to a god-powered Doom, Reed is also coordinating with Namor and Black Panther. Sure, Namor laid waste to Wakanda while drunk on Phoenix power, but when they're facing a god-powered Doom, that's water under the bridge. They decide to take another piss on the foundation of Battleworld by blowing up one of the many barriers separating each domain. Why would they do that? Well it's going to piss Doom off even more so why not?

There's another reason why they do it. On the other side of this particular wall is a horde of zombies and dead heroes. Apparently, Doom is a Walking Dead fan and lets them roam in their own domain of Battleworld. They still don't like that though. There just aren't enough brains to enjoy in a domain like this. So when Black Panther and Namor show up offering them a chance to attack Doom and feast on his divinely delicious brain matter, they jump at the chance. Because he's already got Thors and Hulks opposing him. Why not throw zombies into the mix for good measure?

So...is it awesome?

That depends. Is it awesome for Dr. Doom? Well he's got Maximus leading an army against him. He's got the Thor corps turning on him. He's got his Barons back-stabbing one another. He's got not one, but two Reed Richards looking to fuck him over. And he's got a zombie army going after him as well. So for Doom, fuck no. This is shaping up to be as bad a day as any prostate exam or parole hearing. For everyone else, it's double shot of awesome that this overly-delayed event badly needed.

Given the size and scope of this event, it's hard to cover all the meaningful details. A lot of shit that happened in this issue unfolded in the tie-ins. So reading this issue without reading those is like watching only the second half of Full Metal Jacket. You're not going to get the bulk of the awesome. But it doesn't make the growing shit storm around Doom any less epic. So unless the delays have completely hindered your ability to give more than half a fuck, you'll enjoy this.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Age of Apocalypse #5: Nuff said!

Let’s face it. A future where Apocalypse rules the world in ways Kim Jong Un jerks off to sucks. A future where Apocalypse rules the world and Dr. Doom is a god a double orgy gangbang of suck. It’s nowhere nearly as sexy as it sounds, but it has been as bleak and as dire as any 90s grunge band as a tie-in with Secret Wars. With the release of a new super virus, it’s poised to get dark in ways that Kurt Cobain himself couldn’t match. But can Age of Apocalypse #5 do this and still be awesome without this being 1996? I’m here to get drunk, get stoned, and find out, although not necessarily in that order.

So Apocalypse is dead, a doomsday virus has been unleashed, and they’re already living in a world where Doom is god. This is basically a trifecta of “We’re fucked!” and in an already apocalyptic future. On top of that, Dr. Nemesis managed to set it up so that he becomes the grossly, overpowered overlord of this shit stain of a future. He’s not as imposing as Apocalypse and I doubt Oscar Isaac could make him compelling, but he’s kicking plenty of ass. The X-men, Apocalypse’s Horsemen, what’s left of humanity…they don’t stand a chance.

It still makes for a nice, flashy clash the likes of which would be right at home in the 90s, most likely in an MC Hammer music video. Not much explanation is given to Dr. Nemesis’ powers, but not much is really needed. He’s been plotting since the beginning of the series. That plot just finally paid off. I’d say he deserves to flex his nuts.

And flex them he does. He flexes them in ways that even Apocalypse would respect. At one point, he just lets every one of the X-men and Apocalypse’s henchmen shoot him point blank. All they succeed in doing is giving him a minor itch. It’s like Rocky Balboa giving Ivan Drago a free punch. It’s pretty damn badass and that’s something I don’t think anyone would ever say about Dr. Nemesis…that and he would make a good babysitter.

Dr. Nemesis is kicking all this ass just as the virus that killed Apocalypse is starting to spread. And if it killed someone like Apocalypse, what hope do they have? Even Dr. Oz wouldn’t be able to pitch some bullshit treatment that anyone would take seriously.

The X-men still come up with a plan. Dark Beast is going to try and concoct a cure back at Sinister’s lab. Simple solution, right? Fuck no. Dr. Nemesis shows up and flat out off’s Dark Beast the same way I off a half-empty can of beer. It’s cold, but it’s oddly appropriate. That and seeing Beast get pwned does give me somewhat of a boner these days. Not gonna deny that.

So what’s Plan B? Or is it Plan F at this point? It involves Emma Frost soaking in all the knowledge from Dark Beast’s mind. I didn’t know she could do that, but that shit sure would’ve come in handy during mid-terms during my junior year. She and Blink decide they’re not going to fuck with a guy who just killed Dark Beast without giving him a chance to blame Cyclops. Probably a smart thing to do.

But Dr. Nemesis isn’t done just yet. He’s not content just offing annoying characters that haven’t been likable since the last Harry Potter movie came out. He actually wants to challenge Doom. And given the extent to which he’s flexed his nuts, I think he deserves a shot. He’ll get his balls busted, but for killing Dark Beast he still deserves a shot.

It’s still probably a good idea to keep Dr. Nemesis from pissing Dr. Doom off when he’s playing the game in god mode, but there’s still the matter of the killer plague. Emma Frost has Dark Beast’s brilliance, but she needs more than that to fix this mess. And wouldn’t you know it? The key happens to be Jean Grey, the woman who can tie a ruffle Emma’s obscenely revealing panties no matter which universe she’s in. This was already in the works going back several issues. Now these two women have to help each other. There’s something oddly appropriate about that. Pretty sure I can jerk off to it later tonight if I’m in the mood.

There is one minor problem, as if there are any minor problems in an apocalyptic future. Getting Jean Grey to save the day involves restoring the power that Dr. Nemesis took, courtesy of a lobotomy. And that involves the kind of brain surgery that would make even Dr. House sick. Needless to say, Cyclops and his brothers aren’t on board with this, given their role in how she ended up lobotomized in the first place. But Sinister shows up to convince them that this is a good idea. How he does this, I’m not sure. Just be glad this guy isn’t a used car salesman because I’d be broke as fuck.

The surgery begins. And it’s up to the rest of the X-men to keep Dr. Nemesis occupied. So they have to fight a grossly overpowered douche-bag in an apocalyptic world while Sinister does brain surgery on Emma Frost and Jean Grey? It couldn’t be more unreasonable without asking them to make a Fantastic Four movie that doesn’t suck. But fuck, they do it. They take on Dr. Nemesis in another flashy, epic battle that should have those craving 90s nostalgia reaching for their flannel and roller blades. Wolverine, Cyclops, Havok, Sabretooth…hell, everybody gets in on the action.

There’s even a touch of drama thrown into the mix, which you won’t find in an MC Hammer music video. This battle does have casualties, one of them being Burner. It’s not as callous as Beast, then again Burner isn’t an unrepentant asshole who jerks off to thoughts of Cyclops getting shot in the head. It’s not just epic. It has a genuine impact and fuck if that isn’t satisfying.

But you know what’s even more satisfying? How about Jean Grey waking up, her brain intact again, and ready to kick the everloving shit out of Dr. Nemesis. And she does it with the fucking Phoenix Force for good measure. Finally, there’s a ray of hope for the X-men and the endangered human population. Sure, the Phoenix has a knack for eating planets and shitting out smoldering ashes, but is it really worse than living in a world ruled by Dr. Doom or Dr. Nemesis? I say fuck no.

And since being emboldened and repowered wasn’t enough, Jean decides to use the Phoenix Force to cure the plague rather than take a cosmic shit on the world. I don’t think anyone would’ve blamed her if she decided this shitty apocalyptic future wasn’t worth saving, but for once she’s able to make the right choice while being jacked up on Phoenix power. That’s like me getting shit-faced drunk and making the right decision to call a designated driver. Some might complain that this is just some contrived, Deus Ex Machina shit to end the story. To those people, I say go back to jerking off your cat and snorting burnt Doritos. Jean Grey saving the day after a battle like this is pretty damn satisfying.

That’s not to say fixing all this shit didn’t come at a cost. It did. By curing the virus, Jean removed the X-gene. Now I know some will start bitching and moaning that she did exactly what Wanda did with House of M. Again, I say that’s bullshit for two reasons:

One, Jean did this to save mutants and humans from extinction.

Two, she didn’t lose her shit like Wanda did.

So it actually makes for a happy, satisfying ending…in Age of fucking Apocalypse no less. No, I’m not THAT high. I’m serious. It makes for a happy, satisfying ending. I’m almost tempted to sober up to make sure I haven’t suffered severe brain damage, but when an ending is satisfying, why bother?

So...is it awesome?

Well, it’s a happy ending in an apocalyptic world, one that completely defied expectations. It’s shocking, but in the most pleasant way possible. If it were a song, Kurt Cobain never would’ve written it. Sure, mutants were de-powered, but for once it wasn’t because the Scarlet Witch lost her shit. And the only ones that died were Dark Beast, Sinister, and Apocalypse. Honestly, I can live with that. It had heart. It had family elements. It had Emma Frost NOT being a total bitch. It had Jean Grey doing something OTHER than dying. It was dramatic, eventful, and fun. When was the last time anyone could say that about an apocalyptic future that didn’t involve Linda Hamilton getting naked?

Final Score: 9 out of 10