Batman Beyond #8 - Blacked Out Awesome

It's almost here! The big DC relaunch is almost upon us! And here I am reviewing a book that really won't be affected by it. I don't know if that's luck, karma, or my tenancy to fuck with DC. Either way, it's hard to ignore at this point. It would be like coming home from work and ignoring a massive orgy with out-of-work penthouse models, midget wrestlers, and a donkey. It just can't be done. So I'm not going to try as I review Batman Beyond #8. I've been following this series since DC decided to dust this old idea off, give it a fresh enema of awesome, and relaunch it. For the most part, it's been pretty damn awesome. Even with the DC relaunch waving it's dick in the face of the comic industry, it still is able to stand out.

The first mini was about bringing in new enemies and revisiting old faces that never showed up in the cartoon. The new series took it a bit further, mixing both new characters and old. We got to see a new villain who was corny as hell that called himself Matter Master. We also got to see the future Justice League. Then in the last arc, Derek Powers (future DC's equivalent of Rupert Murdoch) returned as Blight and tried to fuck up both Batman and his son. It ended with him dissolving in a puddle of radioactive ooze while Bruce was left to undo the damage done by Powers's lawyers, which in an of itself should have been an equally epic battle. So by and large, the series has done a great job balancing new stories and old stories. The cynic in me says that it's only a matter of time before a story comes along that throws that balance out of whack. That or it's just the voice in my head that keeps telling me to drink more whiskey, but it's hard to tell.

Batman Beyond #8 may or may not be that book those voices were warning me about. Whereas the last arc reintroduced Derek Powers, this one revisits the second major villain that Terry McGinnis confronted when he put on the mask: Inque. Who is Inque? Picture a homicidal goth with shape-shifting abilities. She's like Mystique, only harder to masturbate to. She was one of Terry's most tenacious and frustrating foes, leading to moments that did push the Kids WB censors (let's just say they had to be tactful for a scene where Terry threw up black globs of ooze). This issue starts out with yet another battle between Inque and Batman. And when I say it starts out I mean there's no fucking build-up whatsoever. We walk in on the fight the same way a mother walks in on her 12-year-old son with a Victoria's Secret catalog in one hand and himself in the other. It's not quite as jarring, but it is a little unnerving.

If you've watched Batman Beyond, you'll see plenty of familiar shit. Whenever Inque and Batman are within spitting distance of one another, they see fit to beat the everloving shit out of one another. Now it's not clear why they're fighting. I'm assuming Inque hijacked a truck full of orphans or something, but I think the point of this scene is just to demonstrate that Inque is really badass and can rough up Batman and a bunch of Gotham's finest. If that was the goal, then I would say the defense rests.

However, it isn't enough for Inque to just rough up some cops. Remember, this is a comic. DC doesn't have to abide by those pussy Kids WB rules. That means they can be a little ediger this time. That means she can take full advantage of her Inque form and literally ram herself down a guy's throat and not in the way that makes for awesome gay porn. She can get in, fuck up their insides, and get out in a way that's worse than dry heaving over a dirty toilet in Tijuana. It's groteque and graphic. You'll never see that shit on TV, which makes it all the more awesome to witness in a comic.

This is something I was hoping that this series would do. Comics can afford to be a little edgier here. I'm not saying that Inque should become a tentacle monster and impersonate Japanese anime porn, but DC shouldn't be afraid to go a bit further than they did with the cartoon. I liked this scene and there have been a handful of others. I hope there are more in future issues because I'm just so sick of the FCC's bullshit.

There's no feel-good ending to this little scuffle. Batman doesn't outsmart Inque, encase her in ice, or wrap her up in a nice bow for the police to take in. Like most white collar criminals, the bad guy gets away this time. Inque roughed up Batman, but didn't stick around to finish him off. She's found out in previous battles that pushing her luck with Batman is like waving your dick at the IRS. He finds a way to make you regret it. So while Terry is pulling himself together and trying to assemble what's left of his dignity, Inque gets away. It's not the first time it's happened in Batman Beyond. It probably won't be the last. However, this is the point where the comic takes a defining turn that will leave some dizzy and others sick to their stomachs.

Start rolling your eyes because the clip show begins here! That's right, the rest of this comic is basically a fucking clip show in the form of a flashback. I remember clip shows. They annoyed the fuck out of me. They never moved the story forward. They were gimmicks so cheap that a billion of them couldn't get you a hand-job from a Zimbabwe hooker. But this isn't entirely a clip show equivalent. It's one big flashback that re-tell's Inque's past. It's actually a solid concept because we don't know shit about where Inque came from, but now they're telling us in this issue...the whole fucking issue. So yeah, if you don't care for flashbacks you're fucked.

It's pretty basic. Picture every Oliver Twist knock-off you ever heard. Inque's life is one of great tragedy. Her country was a shit hole. She grew up in a shit hole. So it's really not too surprising that she had some shitty luck that landed her on the black market looking to survive. I know it's gritty and tragic, but it's been done before. And there are real stories in the real world that are just this bad. Basically parodying them like this without any real depth is a dick move.

The weepy tragedy angel continues. Inque somehow gets smuggled into America the same way the Mexicans are smuggled in to do shitty jobs for shittier pay. So basically, Lou Dobs wants this woman dead. She's hungry and desperate so when some guy comes along asking her to be part of some fucked up medical experiment, she doesn't even think. Because when you're hungry, you'll let someone shoot you with animal jizz if it will get you a hot meal. So that's what happens. She ends up in a lab where she gets pumped full of mutagen among other things.

What are those other things? Well it's semen mostly. That's because she gets pregnant and has a baby. Remember, she did have a kid in the cartoon, but of course the show would never tell the story of a war refugee who gets raped and impregnated. She has the kid, but puts her up for adoption because she knows her life is fucked. That's when shit starts getting fucked up. That mutagen along with the semen really didn't react well so she started becoming more Inque-like. Thus begins her life as a Batman villain.

The problem with this teary eyed bullshit is it makes her too damn sympathetic. So she had such a rough life and we're supposed to feel sorry for her when she maims cops? And as soon as she gets her powers, she has absolutely nor problems maiming people for money? Sorry, but there's tragic and then there's just tragic for the sake of being tragic. It's eye-rolling to the point where you think it gives a bad name to the real orphans of the world. DC just tried way too fucking hard with Inque. That or they didn't try hard enough. It's hard to tell.

Needless to say, her daughter wasn't too thrilled to find out that her mother was a sociopath that overplayed the tragedy role. So it's hard to imagine why she would be surprised when her daughter screwed her over in one of the most ironic and satisfying moments in the Batman cartoon. But like all good villains, Inque survived and kept an eye on her daughter. Even though her daughter ran off with all her money, she just shrugged her shoulders and kept watching her. Wait what? She didn't do shit about her own daughter trying to kill her? Okay, that's pushing it even further. I get that Inque's life sucks, but trying to make up for it like this is fucking stupid.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There are actually some answers within this issue. Like how the fuck did Inque pull her sloppy ass together after her daughter screwed her over? Well simply put, she had help. Your typical mystery man in a lab coat shows up and offers her a hit of mutagen. And like a crack addict in withdraw, she jumps at the chance. This explains how she was able to show up in the first place so that's one major plot hole filled. It's doesn't completely overshadow the many eye-rolling aspects of this issue, but it does show that DC hasn't forgotten the stories that led up to this one and made an effort to fill them.

So now Inque is back and somewhat coherent. So what does she do? She goes back to her daughter. Yes, the same one that tried to kill her and take her money. Now this is usually an incident where corporal punishment is more than appropriate, but Inque has something different in mind. As it just so happens, her daughter is in a hospital bed. Being the daughter of someone who sucked up mutagen the same way Glenn Buck sucks the life out of logic, it's going to affect her. Now it looks like she may follow in dear mommy's footsteps and rather than spare her the discomfort she decides to make it worse. It's tough parenting, but given that teenage girls are probably still spoiled as fuck in the future I won't say it's completely inappropriate. Plus, it sets the stage for yet another Inque plot. We still had to go through an entire fucking clip show to get it, but it could have been worse.

Now let's state the obvious here. Not a whole hell of a lot happened in this issue. It was the comic book equivalent of a clips show. While it did fill in an old plot hole and give some overdue depth to a pretty badass character, it didn't do much with it. The reader might as well be in a lecture hall in college, getting lectured on the history of the sordid subject that is Inque without falling asleep or playing Angry Birds on your cell phone. Aside from the fight in the beginning, of which no explanation is given, there isn't a lot of action to speak of. It doesn't tie into the plots of the previous issue. It doesn't offer any progression from previous arcs. It almost feels like this should have been a one-shot for all Inque fans out there...all seven of them. This issue was essentially in a no-win situation. I respect what DC and Adam Beechen were trying to do here, but it might as well be trying to paint the Mona Lisa with a jar of spit.

Now I'm glad Beechen took some time to flesh Inque out. The problem is she's made into too much of a tragic character. She's the victim of a war, she's a mother, and she just wants to do what she thinks is best. Well, that really doesn't jive well with who she was in the show. In the show, Inque was an unapologetic sociopath that would gladly choke a police officer to death with her inky form and not bat an eye. That's not too tragic. Where at any point in this vignette did she become okay with maiming people? Where at any point did she completely lose her moral compass? That's not clear at any point. In fact, it's a big ass plot hole that makes it difficult to feel sorry for Inque let alone appreciate her story. While it does hint that there could be an interesting plot with her daughter unfolding, it still feels underwhelming by the sheer lack of coherence.

So I guess the voices in my head were right for once. I did get that extra bottle of whiskey and this was an issue that threw the careful balance of the previous stories out of whack. I can't completely step on it for revisiting a character from the show and trying to tell a story they never would have gotten past network censors. However, I can wave my proverbial finger at them for not tying it into the recent events of the series. It's an anomaly that is like a masseuse giving you a kick in the balls between the back rub and the happy ending. It's not a horrible story, but in the greater scheme of the series it does fall flat. So I'm left to give Batman Beyond #8 a 2 out of 5. This comic wasn't so terrible that I'm inclined to give up on the series, but this was a poor issue and one that DC should try hard to improve upon. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #6 - A Meltdown (of Awesome)

So the big wigs at DC comics got into my stash recently. They probably took a couple of the blue pills, broke up the purple pills, mixed them with the grayish powder wrapped in a used condom, and snorted it off the tits of a Power Girl cosplayer from last year's comic con. I assume after the strippers went home and the donkey passed out, the idea finally came to them that they should reboot their entire line. You have to be pretty fucking high to come up with something that bold and think it can work. Either Brett Favre is running DC secretly or they're really that crazy. But while the excitement/angst/outrage/shock sinks in, there are other ongoings quietly churning out awesome. Batman Beyond has been one of those books.

I know I don't review as many DC books anymore since Brightest Day ended. I'm sorry, but since then there hasn't been the same caliber awesome. Batman Beyond is an exception mixed as that hot step-sister you secretly jerked off to. It's not tied to the current insanity in the DCU. It basically takes the cartoon series that ended during Bush II's reign of error and continues it in a comic. It continues it well in fact. The mini brought Dick Grayson into the world of Batman Beyond when he hadn't even been uttered in the show. The new ongoing has picked up where Terry left off in the show, basically struggling with the same shit of being Batman and trying to manage what counts as a normal life in the 2040s. Yeah it's the future, but criminals are still everywhere and big businessmen are complete dicks.

This leads right into the current story that began in Batman Beyond #5. It started with a labor dispute at Wayne Industries that was triggered by a corrupt lawyer. Yeah, lawyers are dicks too in the future. No matter how advanced iphones get in the future, there's no app that'll stop men in suits from fucking people over. This came on the heels of the return of Derek Powers, aka Blight. He was the epitome of the future CEO douche-bag. While Bernie Madoff was content with stealing people's money, Powers was content to sell bio weapons to dictators with spare cash and an itchy trigger finger. An accident turned him into a radioactive Skeletor knock-off. In the show he was supposedly drowned in a sinking submarine. Well it took the show's cancellation and a new comic, but he's back. And what's the first thing he does? He tries to blow up both Batman and his douche-bag yet non-radioactive son, Paxton Powers.

The final page of the last issue made it look like there was no way they could survive, but this is fucking Batman we're talking about. Surviving explosions is like popping a zit. Paxton is a little less enthusiastic. Even after Batman saves him by stuffing him into an armored car, he's still whining like a little bitch who was forced to watch Pakistani animal porn. The whole building is coming down around him. Even though Paxton is the kind of overprivlidged douche who most people wouldn't mind watching get roasted like a redneck turkey, Batman still saves him. He also does it by taking a page right out of the Dark Knight, using the trade-mark motorcycle that just happened to be in the warehouse. I don't care of it is contrive or convenient. It looks pretty damn awesome. I just assume that's the 2030s equivalent of a Delorian.

Derek Powers sees all this from afar. He probably doesn't think it's nearly as awesome. He looks a bit different from his cartoon version. And why not? The show was on Kids fucking WB. They couldn't be too graphic to animate anything that resembled blood, tits, a wet fart. Powers has to wear this space-suit, which helps contain the radiation that he's dishing out more than free joints at a Willie Nelson concert. He offers a brief flashback as to how he survived. It directly recalls the sub from the episode in the cartoon. Not surprisingly, he survived and swam away. He then found a guy with brains and resources who he scared the piss out of enough to help him. It's not the most imaginative explanation, but it's still an explanation.

It further helps that this scene shows Beechen tying the comics directly to the show. Now this is part of what stands out about this series. It didn't have to follow the cartoon. It could have started from scratch and given Terry McGinnis a much grittier background. They could have made him a real deviant who dunked the heads of freshmen into a toilet he just pissed in and banging cheerleaders, all in the same afternoon. But they didn't. They kept everything from the cartoon. It's risky, but it keeps a strong sense of flow between the cartoon and comic. There aren't too many comics that have done that, especially for cartoons that only have reruns on random channels no one gives a shit about. So I applaud DC for taking the harder road.

Blight's ambition isn't just to render Batman sterile and make him go bald from radiation. He wants to take back the life he lost. He wants to be the rich, pampered CEO of Wayne Industries again. Yeah, he's a walking nuclear meltdown, but I'm sure most investors won't care so long as he keeps the stock price up. To do that he can't just destroy Batman. He has to make it so Wayne Industries needs him. Hence using dick-cheese lawyers to stir up trouble. That's almost as bad as radiation poisoning.

It's pretty sinister ploy. There aren't too many plots that can't be made more evil with parasitic lawyers. When Terry returns to the bat cave, he finds out from Bruce that while Powers failed to blow his ass up he's doing a bang up job blowing up Bruce's company. That labor bullshit that started in the last issue did what you would expect. It tanked the stock price and left the company that pays for all of Bruce's fancy bat toys in jeopardy. So Bruce being the sneaky old coot he is hatches a plan. He's going to try and lure out the asshole fucking up his company by trying to buy out the stock. It's a fucked up ploy that even Ted Turner would find insane. But he's fucking Batman (and possibly a little senile). He can get away with it.

Terry's not brave enough for Wall Street yet so he sticks to high school. There he meets up with Max, who played the role of the girlfriend he wasn't boning in the cartoon. They talk about Dana, who Terry recently broke up with for what is probably the sixth time (or maybe tenth given all the crap they dealt with in the show). She's still not talking to him, but she has an excuse this time. Her brother is back in town. Her brother that was in jail no less. He had to have been a touchy subject because she never even mentioned him. I'm assuming she never cried his name during sex. Max has her own issues. She's been dealing with the future equivalent of a Facebook stalker. She hasn't told Terry yet, but it's a plot that's still building. It's just building painfully slow.

Speaking of Dana's brother, we actually get to meet him here. He comes off about as friendly and sociable as that monkey that ripped a woman's face off. Dana is clearly as comfortable as Bristol Palin at an abortion clinic. He doesn't say much. He just says he's out of prison and it changed him. Aside from the flexing capacity of his asshole, that can be taken many ways. Before he goes into detail, he offers to cook Dana dinner. Seriously, that's what an ex-con does in the future. He decides to fucking cook. I guess they don't serve the same goop to prisoners that they serve in high school cafeterias. It's not much of an advance, but it's something.

Not much is done here. Dana's brother goes off, looking creepy as hell in the process. But that's about it. There's no hint as to what he's up to. He has the look of Ted Bundy at a sorority house, but nothing is shown. It's a bit disappointing and it causes the story to further drag. You get the sense that Batman Beyond is trying to develop multiple plots. It's just not being very efficient in some areas.

One plot that hasn't been dragging is the return of Blight. While Dana's brother is off cooking up his sharpened shank surprise, Terry goes back on duty as Batman. Bruce is set to open the stock market the next day as part of his ploy to get the assholes fucking up his company to show themselves. Batman is there to make sure nobody sets any traps without getting a bat-o-rang up the ass. And that's not a prison rape joke. Bruce even goes on to explain that his company is more than just something that pays the bat bills. It's part of his family legacy. Even though being Batman is important, the Wayne name is pretty damn important as well. It adds a touch of depth to Bruce's otherwise old and brooding personality in Batman Beyond. Terry probably doesn't know jack shit about the stock market, but he still understands.

There's just one problem with this elaborate business-plot of his. The guy on the other side is a businessman as well with the ethical fortitude of Josef Stalin. It's worth remembering that Derek Powers wasn't always a glow-in-the-dark psychopath. In the cartoon, he managed to usurp control of Wayne Industries from Bruce. Even if you are a douche, you still need to be pretty smart to pull shit like that off. So when he suspects that Bruce is launching a counter-measure, he launches one of his own. When Batman shows up at the stock exchange, he's right there waiting. The fight that ensues ends too quickly along with the comic. Blight is pretty pissed about being sunk in a fucking submarine and he's looking to take it out on Batman. It sets the stage for a fight that could double as botched chemotherapy in addition to being a typical Batman style ass-kicking.

So despite some slow plots, the return of Blight in Batman Beyond delivers with awesomely satisfying results. It shows that despite the mental breakdown DC had recently before deciding to re-launch their books, they're still competent enough to tell great stories with the book that won't be stained in that potential shit storm. Batman Beyond doesn't miss a beat. If you got a good thrill out of the old cartoon, you'll enjoy experiencing that thrill again with this comic. It's like going back to your high school reunion and banging that former cheerleader you got drunk with during your senior graduation party. She still has a nice ass and it's still pretty damn awesome.

It's far from perfect. While the comic has the same awesome essence as the show, it really doesn't improve all that much. This isn't Kids WB anymore. The comic could go a lot further now and it has to some extent, but within limits. Blight's new look is pretty sick, but that's about it. Given Batman Beyond's circumstances, it can't afford to be too slow or bland. Otherwise readers are going to get caught up in the whole 52 new number ones. I wish I could think more highly of the comic market, but that's how shit works in this world. This along with the slow development of certain plots keeps Batman Beyond from reaching it's full potential.

While parts of the issue are forgettable, Batman Beyond #6 succeeds in the most important area. It brought Blight back into the picture and set up a strong, in depth plot for him. It even took time to offer more insight into Batman's logistical issues, namely Bruce Wayne's company. It's not always touched on in Batman books, but when so much of your crime-fighting involves paying for super-expensive shit it is important. Batman Beyond #6 dealt with it masterfully and for that it gets a 4 out of 5. Since I don't want to run the risk of going on a rant about DC's relaunch initiative and the many imitations it's spawned (namely Marvel's decision to relaunch Uncanny X-men), I'll just say Batman Beyond is a great escape from DC's current madness. Enjoy it before the shit hits the fan and everything starts stinking. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #5 - A Blight of Awesome

Let's face it, most of crazy futures predicted in fiction are complete bullshit. Whether it's the utopian future of peace, prosperity, and people generally acting like pussies or the post-apocalyptic future where humans are reduced to cattle it's always extreme in a ridiculously inane way. Then there's the future of Batman Beyond. From the old cartoon to the new comics, it's done something with the future that shocks any reader looking for a giant robot to floss it's teeth with the bones of captured humans. It shows frighteningly little progress in the human condition. The world of Batman Beyond and the new Batman, Terry McGinnis, isn't much different from the world of today. Crime is still rampant. Politicians are still dicks. Disease and death still make puppies cry. And corporations are still as greedy as ever. The only difference is the buildings are bigger and the cars are fancier. Seeing as how my old Chevy looks like a piece of shit compared to the latest Toyota, that's a future I'm inclined to believe.

It's this gritty realism mixed with futuristic elements that has made Batman Beyond such a joy to read. Since the series became an ongoing, it's gone beyond (I know it's a lousy pun so please don't bust my balls) picking up the slack from the old cartoon. It's become a force unto itself. The mini brought Dick Grayson into the mix. It also brought in a future version of Hush. The new ongoing brought in the future version of the Justice League and even Sam, the pink-haired chick who acted as Batman's annoying side-kick for the last two seasons of the show. It's been a unique blend of using new elements and old elements. Batman Beyond #5 continues that tradition by bringing in a plot that went unresolved from the show. It also has a theme that would make Ayan Rand rise from the grave and hang herself.

Batman Beyond #5 starts with our old friend, Paxton Powers. For those of you playing the home game, Paxton Powers is the douche-bag son of Derek Powers, the even bigger douche-bag that took control of Bruce Wayne's company and turned it into his own personal tool of douche-baggery. Derek Powers had to step down on account of being bathed in radiation and turned into a glow-in-the-dark supervillian called Blight. Paxton took over and did to the company what the Jersey Shore did to reality TV. It took a bad thing and made it even more shitty. He ended up in jail for the kind of corporate shenanigans that even Bernie Madoff would shake his head at. We revisit the bum in jail where he gets a very unwelcome visitor.

It's a one-page taste of foreboding. If you never saw the show you wouldn't know what the hell is going on. But if you're from Wisconsin you know all about what happens next. Batman's latest fight isn't against a new wave of Jokers, a new Mr. Freeze, or some terrifying futuristic villain with a terrible name (look at YOU Matter Master!). It's labor unrest. That's right. The future still hasn't resolved the issues between labor unions and businesses. Batman can do a shit ton of good, but he's powerless when it comes to angry labor unions.

What's odd here is the protesters treat Batman as if he's the one spending their pension funds on imported strippers and statues made out of cocaine. It seems to come out of nowhere. Bruce Wayne says to Terry that his company never had labor issues. But let's be honest, a business that never has labor issues isn't a business. It's a fantasy. This is just the first time someone had to use tear-gas. No really, that's how much progress they've made in the future. They still use tear gas at labor protests. So much for progress!

Now this is a pretty gritty issue for a comic to cover and that's actually worth noting. Whenever comics mix with politics, it's more awkward than a gay man marrying a trans-gendered lesbian. But this actually has some real-world connotations. Batman is up against a villain he can't just hand over to the commissioner. These are just regular guys who are pissed off at their jobs. Wayne suspects there might be mind control involved. Terry says he sees genuine anger. That may mean that this is real or just very well-hidden. Whatever the case, it's a very different battle for Batman to fight. The fact it takes place in the future while it's still a big problem in the present says a lot. I don't know if Adam Beechen is on the payroll for George Soros, but I'm sure he'll get a fruit basket for this scene. And just like in the present, news of labor protests don't bode well for stock prices. Wayne Enterprise's stock goes down faster than Snooki at a baccalaureate party.

If that weren't real enough, there's a quick break into Terry's personal life. At the start of this series and throughout the cartoon, he's been dating Dana Tan. On a number of occasions, Dana has broken up with him. She's done it with as much regularity as Barry Bonds faces new drug allegations. So it's not too surprising when she meets Terry at a diner and basically does it again. She makes some compelling points. She doesn't feel like she's treated well since he puts being Batman above everything else (granted she doesn't know about it). But what sets this apart from the past breakups is the backdrop. In the previous issue it was revealed that Dana's brother got out of prison. So it has the feel of something more complicated. And since Aquagirl has yet to dry hump Batman, Dana doesn't come off as being too serious.

The whole realism angle continues, which for a comic that takes place in a future fictional city is starting to get really awkward. A guy named Godfrey, who looks about as honest as hungry wolf with a full blown erection, meets with Bruce Wayne to discuss the labor issue. Bruce even points out that he's as corrupt as any guy in an imported suit can get. That doesn't stop Godfrey from smiling like a jackass and making demands so unreasonable that even a senile old man can smell the bullshit. That doesn't stop him from being the only guy who can resolve the labor dispute.

He may not be as deranged as the joker, but the sad truth is there are probably guys in the real world just like him. So if your faith in the future hasn't been shattered at this point, please let me know what drugs your on so I can get some.

If the book is too real for you at this point, I'm sorry to say it doesn't get much better. The next scene may be a painful reminder of your last family reunion because it involves an ex-con coming home. Remember Dana? The girl who just broke up with Terry? Well that brother of hers that's been mentioned a few times is back. As soon as she gets home, she confronts him. She looks about as thrilled as a girl who just saw her mother giving a blow-job to the mail-man. And her brother, Doug, looks about as honest as a guy who just blew up an orphanage and took a dump on the ashes.

There are so many unsavory characters in this book, yet they aren't even super-villains! Either I'm high or I'm missing something. Or both...either works. But Terry's personal issues are a secondary concern, at least for Bruce. We finally get some escapism as Terry dawns his Batman suit and flies around in his supped up flying car. Now there's a future to look forward to again! Bruce has him investigate that lawyer who tried to fuck his company with an eighty-story dick. He finds out that Paxton Powers, the same guy who got sprung earlier, is the one who paid him. So that's all the excuse Terry needs to find Paxton and beat the everloving piss out of him. All you ultra-liberal types are probably jerking off to the idea as we speak. I'll let you finish before I continue.

It doesn't take him long to find Paxton. He's set up shop in an old R&D building, which is about as generic a super-villain base you can get without it being at the south pole. Paxton looks about as thrilled a kid who just found out his dog was put down. He tries to explain to Batman that he's as confused as anyone else. He got out of jail and doesn't know how. That's either the greatest escape plan ever or the dumbest excuse ever. Terry is suspicious and probably ready to kick his ass. Then Bruce figures it out. It's a trap, which happens as often as the sun rises when dealing with corporate douche-bags. The whole damn building blows up. It may be a metaphor for corporate greed, but it's a pretty shocking way for Batman's meeting with Paxton go go in a book that hasn't been too heavy on shocks.

Now who would go through the trouble of solving problems by blowing them up? Outside of Mythbuster reruns, it takes a pretty unstable son-of-a-bitch to pull it off. On the final page of the issue, that's exactly what's delivered. The guy behind this explosive plot is not some lawyer or labor protester or ex-con of an ex-girlfriend. It's Derek Powers, aka Blight. There's no real-world metaphor for this guy. He's as basic a comic super-villain as they come and he's got a long list of reasons to blow up both his son and Batman. He disappeared from the show despite it being hinted that he would return. While I'm sure it would have made a killer episode, it's nice to see it finally come together in the pages of this issue!

The explosive ending was an explosive way to end a book that was full with more realism than you would expect in a comic book, let alone a book that takes place in the future. It's not a bad thing, trying to mix realism in with comic book stories. That's part of what makes them engaging. I'm all for escapism, but sometimes there's only so far you can take a story about an alien ripping the spinal fluid out of a giant insect. I'm also all for realism, provided it's balanced. This is a comic book. If I wanted to read stories about crocked lawyers and bad economic news, I'd watch Fox News without the mute on.

That's part of the problem in this book. I like that the realism elements were there, but it didn't feel properly balanced in the end. It wasn't until the final page that we got some genuine action. It was decent, but you could probably skip half the book and not skip a beat at the end. It leaves the book somewhat disjointed, but if you read it through it's still an enjoyable story. Batman Beyond has utilized a lot of classic Batman elements since it was brought back from DC limbo. This is the first time it's dipping into something new and overall, it's a very satisfying experience.

Batman Beyond remains a guilty pleasure for DC fans that offers a nice change of pace from the sheer scale of the current DCU. You won't be blown away, but you'll get a solid story with solid characters. So for a final score, I give Batman Beyond #5 a 4 out of 5. The story is opening new doors while connecting with old plots from the cartoon. It's a great time to get into this series and for that I deem it awesome. Nuff said!

Batman Beyond #3 - The Next Generation of Awesome

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Batman Beyond #2 - Both Sides of Awesome

Whenever I think about the future I always wonder the same thing. When the hell is science going to give us perfect virtual reality that will allow us to have endless sex with Pamela Anderson before she punched out two of Tommy Lee's demonic yet well-endowed offspring? I've brought this up with the National Science Foundation and their response was and I quote "We're working as fast as we can, damn it!" But until they can at least offer a prototype, I'm left with the future depicted in comics such as Batman Beyond. There is no mention of a VR sex bot so I can only assume it's the future equivalent to keeping porno in a hollowed out part of the bedroom floor. When the citizens of the future get done with their three-way with Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johanssen, they get on with their lives in future Gotham. So far, the story surrounding those lives and that of the future Batman has been pretty compelling.

This new Batman Beyond series has attempted to do something that's exceedingly difficult. It has to take a cartoon that's been off the air for years and freshen it up like a virgin on her prom night so that it's appealing to the readers. Not everyone saw that cartoon. Some who saw it didn't like it. Some who saw it smoked too much Mexican dope and forgot about it along with various other vital memories. The six-issue Batman Beyond mini helped get Batman fans adjusted to the future world where a guy name Terry McGinnis is Batman and Bruce Wayne is a grumpy old fart. From that mini, the new ongoing has spun out and the first issue seamlessly moved readers deeper into the Batman Beyond world.

The first issue captured many elements of the show. An old face from Bruce's younger days succumbed to senility and turned himself into a supervillain, much as what happens when certain elders get their hands on the prescription drugs that sell several grand on the street. While this is going on Terry is living his life, hanging out with his girlfriend while his mother and brother are out shopping. Since Terry's luck is so utterly fucked both in the show and in the comics, his family ends up as hostages to said supervillain's madness. So he has to ditch his pretty girlfriend and go rescue them.

There's just one problem. The future version of the Justice League is called into the scene and they want to handle this in the tradition of George W. Bush, who I assume in the future has become a cute euphemism for poorly thought out plans that involve blowing shit up. Since Terry's mother and brother are involved, he simply can't allow that. The last issue ended with him stopping the Justice League before they could attack. In Batman Beyond #2 that moment immediately continues. Do the Justice League listen to him and allow him to dictate their plan? If they ever considered it, they did so for about as much time as a teenage boy would consider peaking up the skirt of high school cheerleaders. So what's Batman's response? Well in the tradition of the bat, he does what Bruce would have done. He kicks their asses.

It's not the fight one would expect. Batman usually fights the bad guys, who if you recall are still holding his family hostage. Fighting the Justice League is not his preferred tactic, but being Batman it's not as crazy as you may think. To protect his family, Terry is willing to risk getting his ass kicked by those who kick the asses of superpowered mega-beings for breakfast. With Bruce Wayne guiding him with his years of experience and shit crazy plans, he knocks out Green Lantern first (who looks like one of those creepy kids from Children of the Corn). Then he confronts the likes of Barda and Warhawk, two people you really don't want to piss off. He holds his own, but Terry being a teenager can't help but get a little cocky. And like all cocky teenagers, they get a lesson in humility at some point. This time it comes in the form of the future version of Captain Atom giving him the cockroach treatment.

In the future they've taken bumping down a teenager's ego to new heights. There's an athletes foot joke somewhere in these pages, but it acts only as a minor break in the action. Batman has a contingency for everything, including being stepped on by a giant foot. In the past Batman would have done something with his utility belt. But this is the future. Belts have gone the way of the Walkman. Terry burns Atom's foot with a heat blast. I don't remember Bruce saying that the suit was capable of a heat blast so I can only assume it's a recent upgrade. Once Atom is out of the battle, he has to face something even more difficult than a giant foot...a hot girl. Not just any hot girl either. It's Aquagirl, who in the show seemed to have the hots for Batman. Well that's enough to make Terry hesitate and as a result, Aquagirl makes it clear that he will never see her naked.

Even thought Aquagirl is hot, being frozen in ice is enough to kill any would-be boner. While Terry has to work on recovering his manhood, the hostage situation in the mall is getting worse. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? While this fight with the Justice League is going on, there's still a crime going on with innocent lives at stake. Those lives, which include Terry's mother and brother, are left to confront this newly ordained supervillain who in the last issue came into contact with some exotic future material that physicists today would surrender their left testicle to analyze. He's not completely crazy though. He's a sick and dying man who really doesn't know what he's gotten himself into. He's no Joker, that's for sure. Because of this, the hostages try to channel their inner John McClane and subdue him. It's heroic and all, but there's a big difference between a bunch of guys with guns and a guy with enough power in his pinky finger to turn your dick into radioactive plutonium.

Also going on during this fight, Terry's girlfriend Dana is in the least dangerous situation. In the last issue she was helping Terry buy a new speeder, the future equivalent to motor scooters. As usual, Terry has run off and like any sane girlfriend that has ever watched daytime talk shows (which I assume are still around in the future and being run by clones of Dr. Phil) she gets worried. Now Dana could be a normal girl and just get pissed, vowing to lock her panties for the rest of Terry's natural life. But she's dating Batman. Normal just doesn't cut it. So rather than let the high pressure salesman talk her into buying useless upgrades that break down three months after you buy them, she closes the deal and takes the scooter for a test drive. It's not clear what she's doing, but given Terry's luck she'll likely get caught in the crossfire. It just wouldn't be a Batman story if she didn't.

Back with Terry, he manages to break out of the glass shell that encased him and his dignity. He continues fighting the Justice League, having to knock out the kid Green Lantern yet again. At the rate he's going he could be charged with child assault, which may or may not be a crime in the future depending on how powerful people allow Sarah Palin to become. Rather than risk coming off as an even bigger douche-bag, Batman surrenders. He also hasn't forgotten that his family is in danger. He tries to explain to them that there are people in the mall that are important to him. He makes a reasonable case, but that doesn't stop Green Lantern from waking up and punching him in the face. Seeing as how he got knocked out twice, he earned the right to salvage some sense of dignity.

Once Green Lantern gets that out of his system, the focus shifts back to the hostage situation. And it only took half the book to remind themselves of that shit. As expected, Aquagirl does calm the others down and listen to Batman. That shows she may want to bone him after all, which should do wonders for Terry's confidence. While they're getting over their little scuffle, they get word from the police as to what they're up against. This old worker, Jatts, stole something called metachem. It's like meth for Lex Luthor. It allows him to transmutate materials. Add to that he's fatally ill and you've got someone who is unstable, desperate, and probably constipated. That's not a good combination.

At this point, all the bumps and bruises from their earlier battle are forgotten. They'll probably schedule a rematch for whatever counts as an MMA fight in the future. They quickly hatch out a plan. They intend to infiltrate the mall through the old train system. It's always a train system or a sewer. It never gets old in comics. Green Lantern is supposed to be their best weapon against this guy, but since Batman hit him so hard he's a bit concussed. Given how concussions fuck up concentration (just ask any football player not named Brett Favre), that's probably going to make the battle a lot harder. It also makes Terry look like an asshole because he may have hurt their best weapon against this guy. Again, he's Batman. His luck sucks.

Mr. Metachem addict doesn't know he's got superheroes on his trail now. However, he's still in a pretty decent position. Remember those hostages that attacked him last time? Well he kind of turned them into bronze statues. Now they're the world's best hostages and he doesn't have to give them any bathroom breaks. Exerting that kind of power also fucked up his already unstable mind. When senility mixes with superpowers, you can always expect something to go horribly wrong.

While Jatt's is taking a trip down crazy-town with Gary Busy and the spirit of John Belushi, Batman and the League are working their way through the train tunnels. It's not a filler scene though. There's a fair amount of dialog here. Some of it is standard, dreading over how the world will be doomed if this guy gets loose. It's the kind of shit the DC universe faces every Thursday.

There are some interesting moments though. While the others are still fuming at Batman, Aquagirl once again shows that she may just want Batman to go snorkeling with her. There's a nice moment with them where Batman laments how he didn't trust the league sooner and Aquagirl urges him to trust her in the future. She might as well slip him the address of where to find her later on and what kind of panties she'll be wearing.

Any potential sexual innuendo is rendered completely irrelevant when they make it through into the mall. Inside they find the hostages. They also find Jatts. He's become as skilled with his powers as he has crazy. He's turned his hostages into statues, again probably so he won't have to hear them whine about needing to take a piss. He also is going by a new supervillain name. He calls himself Matter Master. It's not very original. I could just as easily call myself Pot Master, but that doesn't strike fear into anybody. So the future still has villains who utterly lack creativity. Guess there are some things that technology can't fix. So long as they still have those VR sex machines, I'm okay with that.

It was an eventful issue to say the least. It was an issue that covered pretty much everything that was set up in the previous issue. Everything from the hostage situation, the fight with the Justice League, Matter Master, and even Dana buying a new hover scooter was developed. Some got more screen time than others and that's to be expected. This book left no loose ends. It didn't forget about anything. That's exceedingly rare for a comic book. Rare as finding a unicorn jerking off a dragon. Usually every comic leaves something open for interpretation. This issue just moved the story forward and did a damn good job of it.

While it may not have left loose ends, this issue did tend to drag at times. The fight against the Justice League was a little too drawn out. It also ended a bit too abruptly as soon as Terry threw his hands up and tried to talk it out. It makes the reader wonder why he didn't try that beforehand. It would have saved them all plenty of bruises. The scene with Dana was a bit underdone, but at least it looks as though she's playing an active role in the story instead of just being eye candy. The way Matter Master was developed worked out nicely, but his name may still cause some eye-rolling.

Batman Beyond still has a ways to go in order to capture the magic the old cartoon once had. It's not easy getting everybody excited again after a show has been off the air for years. Batman Beyond #2 does an admirable job of carrying on the story. It doesn't feel like a complete rip from the cartoon. It is starting to establish itself as something unique. For that, this issue deserves some accolades. All it will get from me is a score of 4 out of 5. We'll know more about the future potential of this book once the first arc is over. Until then, this series still qualifies as awesome. Nuff said.