Uncanny X-men #600: Nuff Said!

Can a comic that's been delayed for six months and already been partially spoiled still be awesome? Like the origins of a cheap hot dog, that's one of those questions that nobody wants to have to answer. Sadly, that's the question that has to be answered with Uncanny X-men #600. This was supposed to be a big, landmark issue. It was supposed to cap off Brian Michael Bendis' run on both Uncanny X-men and All-New X-men. Then, it was delayed. Then, it got delayed again. And surprise! It got delayed again. Now, Bendis has already started his run on Invincible Iron Man. The aftermath of Secret Wars has already been partially spoiled. And the relevance of Uncanny X-men #600 is on part with Rob Schneider's acting career.

Even so, I'm going to review it. I'm going to try and shut out the shitty circumstances that come with delays. It might mean smoking an extra joint or chugging a few extra beers, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the wonderful folks who support the X-men Supreme blog. And this issue concerns the Trial of Hank McCoy. So yeah, I love you people that much.

But before the trial, there has to be an intervention. The X-men don’t do cops, handcuffs, and jail cells. Well, Emma Frost might do handcuffs, but that’s about it. The X-men, including Cyclops’ revolutionaries, all get together to let Beast know that they care about him and they don’t like that he’s become an omega level douche-bag. Even his time-displaced self is there. And you know you done fucked up and been fucked sideways when your past self isn’t on your side. That’s something A&E can never capture. But make no mistake, if they could make a reality show out of that, they would. Personally, I might actually watch it if Hank McCoy ever got an hour-long special.

Beast reacts the same way most crack heads in withdraw would react. He’s pissed. Good. He should be pissed. He’s just lucky the space-time continuum isn’t a bitter ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, he’d be really fucked. The X-men gave Cyclops a collective middle finger for murdering one man while drunk on the Phoenix Force. They didn’t even give him the benefit of a trial. Hank McCoy may have fucked the entire timeline and he did it as sober as a Mormon on Sunday. And yet he still bitches about Cyclops’ crimes? Even Ted Haggart would be disgusted by that kind of hypocrisy.

As much as I enjoy watching Beast squirm like Wesley Snipes during a tax audit, there are a lot of sub-plots connecting to this moment. Most of them have absolutely jack shit to do with the trail of Hank McCoy. But I guess they’re supposed to address the dangling plot holes that Bendis has accumulated during his run. That or Marvel thinks watching Beast squirm isn’t entertaining enough. I think they underestimate themselves in that respect.

One such sub-plot involves Colossus meeting up with Kitty Pryde. This is the first time they’ve met since Kitty Pryde shacked up with Starlord. Now, this relationship that spanned decades is being ditched in favor of something that’s barely as old as Obamacare. It would be a great moment for these two to confront some lingering emotions and maybe capture some of that passion that made Kitty/Colossus so great. Yeah, it would be.

Of course that’s not what we get. That might actually make sense. That might actually require Kitty Pryde to stay in one place longer the 10 fucking minutes. Instead, we get a reunion between Magik and Colossus. Not that I have anything against that. It’s done fairly well here. But after Colossus said he’s fucking kill her after Avengers vs. X-men, they basically just shrug that shit off. Magik apologizes, but it’s a very general kind of apology. It’s the same apology I would give to someone after they found out I took a shit in their garden. It effectively nullifies any and all post-AvX tension. And yet the X-men still bitch about Cyclops.

The hug was still nice. I’m glad they’re a family again. It just felt…forced. It had all the tension of asking the sales rep at Walmart for a refund. All Kitty Pryde did was just stand there and smile. She didn’t need to be there, but I guess she enjoys watching Beast squirm too so why the fuck not?

We get more Beast-bashing and just like that, I have a boner again. Storm channels her inner Johnny Cochrane and acts as lead prosecutor. I’m pretty sure OJ would’ve been both fucked and horny if she had been against him. Emma also gets in on the act. And pretty much everything they say is true. Beast has none of the excuses Cyclops has. He can’t blame the Phoenix. He can’t blame evil clones and psychotic ex-wives. He did what he did and didn’t give three-tenths of a shit, even when others tried to bring it up. Again, can someone explain to me why they still give Cyclops so much shit?

Enter another side-plot. But this one is actually relevant and meaningful. It has to do with Iceman’s sexuality. Now I know there are some who wonder just how relevant and meaningful that is. When have we ever cared where Iceman wants to put his penis? But revealing him as gay is still a big fucking deal. It’s not a bullshit retcon on the same level as the Maximoff twins, but it’s still something worth confronting.

And that’s exactly what O5 Iceman does, with help from O5 Jean Grey. It makes for a powerful moment, one where O5 Iceman channels his inner Lady Gaga and says he’s going to embrace his love of dick. It puts Iceman in a very difficult position, one that is full of emotional depth. This is what the Colossus/Kitty Pryde moment should’ve been. Fans of Iceman, equality, and ass-less chaps should rejoice and bring a box of tissues.

While there’s plenty of feels, there’s also some laughs. As soon as the emotions settle, Iceman starts joking about how hot Angel is. And I’m not gonna lie. Even I think Angel is hot. How Iceman was able to function on the same team as him and hide his boner is a superpower in and of itself. It’s so admirable that O5 Jean is nice enough to give him a psychic hug. There’s even a joke about cold nipples in here somewhere. And if you can’t enjoy jokes about cold nipples, then I have nothing to say to you.

Enter another side-plot. This one will take all those feels from the Iceman scene and turn it into projectile vomit. It starts off innocently enough. The O5 X-men are back chilling in the wilderness, having just dealt with the shit storm over the Utopians. And that’s when O5 Jean decides that she’s leaving the team. She gives a reason, albeit one that stinks of a little bullshit. She’s decided that fighting evil future versions of herself, aliens, and Hydra gets old. So she needs a break. That’s fine. Even the other O5 X-men seem to agree they could stand to do some solo work. I’m sure a guy married to Pamela Anderson still jerks off.

Then it gets nauseating…really nauseating. Seriously, if you just ate, take some pepto. Because this is when Bendis decides it’s a good idea to resurrect that bullshit sub-plot with O5 Jean and O5 Beast. Seriously, even George W. Bush would say that’s a shitty idea. O5 Beast tries to run off, whining how his older self just fucked over the team. Then, O5 Jean just up and says she’s “fond” of him. And without any development, even by X-men Forever standards, they kiss again. And this time, O5 Cyclops is there to see it. Because I guess fucking over Cyclops has yet to get old.

This is especially shitty because in recent issues, O5 Jean and O5 Cyclops were getting closer again. And at no point during O5 Cyclops’ departure in space did she try to set something up with him. She even kissed fucking Miles Morales during that time. And O5 Cyclops had a chance to hook up with a sweet alien girl in Vileena, but didn’t because he still loved Jean. And this is how she fucking repays him? Seriously, there aren’t enough WTFs in the Marvel multiverse to cover this shit.

It’s so utterly fucked that I actually found it difficult to enjoy the verdict in Beast’s trial. In the end, not much comes of it. Like an amateur male porn star who jumps the gun during a scene, the climax is really premature. Beast just loses his shit, blames Cyclops again for his actions, and storms out. Really, that’s all that happens in this trial. There hasn’t been a less meaningful trial outside a Judge Judy rerun. But at the very least, Beast is out of the picture. So he’s no longer around to keep bitching and moaning about Cyclops. So it’s not like it was a total waste.

Since there’s a mistrial, there’s one more plot hole to fill. This one involves Cyclops, also known as the embodiment of Beast’s rage-boner. The X-men find out there’s something going on in Washington DC and it’s attracting mutants from all over the world. Sensing this could be one of those instances where killer robots are as likely as rain in Seattle, they decide to head over to see what’s going on. It’s probably a good thing Beast didn’t go. His rage boner would’ve killed him on the spot.

They show up just in time for Cyclops to channel his inner Dr. King. He’s somehow managed to get every mutant in the world to assemble in Washington DC to show the world that mutants could assemble peacefully without giant robots attacking. And before you scoff at the notion of X-men not attracting giant robots, keep your nuts in your pants and observe. No killer robots showed up. No explosions are happening. This is a true, peaceful assembly of mutants. And it’s Cyclops who organizes it.

It’s the greatest act of unity that mutants have shown as a species since they all agreed that the third X-men movie sucked. Even Magneto shows up and admits that Xavier would’ve approved of this. None of the X-men bitch and moan this time, probably because Beast isn’t there. They’re all generally on board and I imagine all the female telepaths really want to fuck Cyclops right now. This is probably the best, most appropriate outcome he could’ve hoped for.

And what does Beast think of all this? I’m not a telepath, but I can sense him projecting the butt-hurt at levels that would give Charles Xavier himself a cerebral hemorrhage. He packs up his shit and then he meets with Tempus, who informs him that this is part of the general time-traveling clsuterfucks that she’s been tracking. She also implies that this might not be the end of his trial? I say good because he’s leaving without anyone wanting to throw him in prison. He didn’t give Cyclops that courtesy so why should he get it?

So...is it awesome?

Whether you're sober as a Mormon or drunk as an Irish dock worker, the answer to this question is the same...it depends. Nothing really comes of Hank McCoy's trial/intervention/shaming. They talk. He gets pissed. He storms off. That's about it. And the sub-plots surrounding the O5, Kitty, and Colossus have the same impact as a kick in the balls by Hulk Hogan. The plot with O5 Jean and O5 Beast will make you want to vomit. The plot with O5 Iceman and his older self will make you want to squee. It's a mixed bag, a fucked up a cross between a hangover and a blowjob.

There were a lot of elements to Bendis' run that deserved closure. Some of those elements in this issue really screwed the pooch and pissed in the litter box. But it still had its moments. Some of those moments felt downright appropriate. Others felt like something that would give the Hulk a migraine. I can't say Bendis' run on X-men has been the second coming of Chris Claremont, but it's not the second coming of Chuck Austin either. And without the aid of better weed, that's all I can say about Uncanny X-men #600.

Final Score: 6 out of 10