All New X-men #20 Cover Revealed - X-23 and O5 Cyclops?!

Lately, covers for upcoming comic books have been pissing me off. Not because they don’t look pretty. Hell, comic book covers are right up there with aluminum foil in terms of awesome shit to look at while stoned. But lately, Marvel has been using covers to agitate fans like itchy power on a tampon. I certainly felt my share of agitation when I saw the cover for All New X-men #15. That or I was just way too sober. That was actually one cover that turned out not to be a fucking ruse unfortunately. Marvel has had a long history of deceptive covers that have agitated fans for the same reason that Hugh Hefner bones a 22-year old supermodel. They just do it because they can. I don’t think I need to remind some readers about this.

Or this:

Or more recently, this:

Spoiler: They hugged it out.

Now with Battle of the Atom nearing its conclusion, Marvel is already starting a fresh round of agitation for the aftermath. Like putting crazy glue on toilet paper, they baited fans with this mysterious cover last month for All New X-men #20.

I actually did an article on this. In it, I speculated that the mysterious man swapping spit with X-23 is O5 Iceman. My main reason was that O5 Iceman hasn’t done jack shit since All New X-men began. He’s due for a major story and I like to think that Marvel tries to be balanced with their classic characters. I also like to think the IRS doesn’t screw me over on my taxes each year, but even I can’t get that stoned. So I guess I shouldn’t have been too shocked when I found out that I’m dead fucking wrong.

Whether by accident or part of the recent round of revelations from the New York Comic Con, the undoctored cover was revealed. It wasn’t Photoshopped either. This shit comes directly from Marvel’s official website. And the identity of the lucky guy kissing Wolverine’s clone/daughter is…well, I’m too sober to tell so I’ll just show.

It’s fucking O5 Cyclops. Apparently, Marvel isn’t done demonstrating the sheer power of Cyclops’s penis. Even as a teenager, it’s so powerful that it soaks the panties of a living weapon who happens to be related to Wolverine. I can already hear the slash fanfiction writers everywhere using this to justify the kinkiest gay smut ever between Wolverine and Cyclops. Considering that Wolverine and Cyclops currently hate each other, this sort of thing represents the ultimate “fuck you” from Cyclops to Wolverine. I guess it’s not enough that he banged Jean Grey and he never could. Now he’s looking to bang his teenage clone/daughter. That may very well be the single greatest act of pwnage in the history of any universe.

As epic a pwnage it is, it also raises some distressing concerns for a sober mind. Ever since Battle of the Atom began, O5 Cyclops has been hung up on Jean. He’s been so hung up on her that he has been willing to follow her and trust her everywhere. While he doesn’t seem to know that she swapped spit with O5 Beast (and neither of them seem to know that he got flirty with a stranger in All New X-men Special #1), his emotions for her have been a driving force since All New X-men began. Yet this seems to imply, assuming the cover isn’t a ruse, that something changes.

This could mean any number of things. It could mean that when Battle of the Atom ends, O5 Jean basically gives a big middle finger to O5 Cyclops, rips up the wedding invitation he gave her, and says she doesn’t ever want to have a future with him. That would be pretty fucking cold, but given how Marvel has treated long-term relationships lately (see Spider-Man and Mary Jane), I think it’s a possibility. I think this would really fuck a lot of things up in addition to taking a bit shit on the most storied romance in the history of X-men. But again, Marvel is not above pulling shit like that.

It could also be something that is a bit less of a dick move on Marvel’s part. Seeing as how the Cyclops/Jean/Wolverine/Emma Frost love fest was so epic in Grant Morrison’s New X-men, maybe Marvel wants to capture that four-way orgy of emotion again. This time with X-23/Cyclops/Jean/Beast. When O5 Cyclops finds out that O5 Jean kissed Beast, who is basically his friend, he might be upset enough to try and push her away. It could just be another emotional wedge, not unlike the many Brian Michael Bendis used with Peter and Mary Jane during his Ultimate Spider-Man run (until he fucking killed Peter). In fact, they broke up twice during his run and Peter dated Gwen for a while so this may just be the same story with different characters. And I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to an approach like that. Bendis has shown that he’s good at making shit like this work and playing up the drama. I would love to see him do for O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean what he did for Ultimate Peter Parker and Mary Jane, minus the part where he fucking killed Peter Parker.

Or perhaps it may be the complete reverse. In Battle of the Atom, O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean come closer and they try to embrace the future rather than avoid it. But they find out that by trying to be together and fix all the things that ended up going wrong in their relationship (and that list is pretty long), they encounter new complications. X-23 might be one of those complications. I think this isn’t likely since Marvel is allergic to any kind of happiness within relationships, even if it is between teenagers. They seem to adopt the DC mentality of, “Fuck long term relationships, present and future. Let’s just have every character stay single.” I believe that relationships like Superman and Wonder Woman have shown that it is possible to tell a decent story that people will enjoy by showing a relationship grow rather than tearing it apart. But maybe that’s just the romantic in me and maybe that’s also because it has been too long since my last trip to Tijuana.

I’m sure if I smoked a bit more weed, I could come up with some other crazier theories. Right now, I’m not sure which is the most likely. I think the odds are I’m wrong on all three because I can’t seem to guess anything right with Marvel lately. And maybe that’s the point. Marvel doesn’t like being predicable. They love having as many WTF moments as possible and this definitely qualifies. As for what comes of it, that’s not clear. The end of Battle of the Atom in a few weeks may offer insight, but for now I’m just going to get stoned and try to come up with as many theories as I can. Nuff said!

All New X-men #20 Cover - Who The Fuck Is X-23 Kissing?!

Nothing gets comic book fans more riled up than seeing seeing their favorite heroes swap spit with someone unexpected. It's like giving a meth addict a case of Red Bull. It'll create the kind of shit storm that will have fans either dreading how this will ruin their favorite characters or contemplating how they'll use this to create smut fanfiction. Now I admit I've been fairly guilty of participating in this shit storm before. I also admit I tend to react strongly to kisses that I deem too fucked up to take place outside Bangkok whore house. But at least I'm honest about it.

Honesty still makes me sick to my stomach.

But not every superhero kiss triggers the kind of reaction that I usually reserve for bar fights after football games. Sometimes they trigger genuine intrigue that makes me contemplate things that I don't usually contemplate without a kickass strain of weed. Earlier today, Marvel released their solicitations for December 2013. Usually at this time of year, I'm focused on getting drunk on eggnog. But a future issue of All New X-men #20 has me thinking I might add a little extra bourbon this year.

ALL-NEW X-MEN #20
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS (W) • BRANDON PETERSON (A/C)
X-MEN 50th ANNIVERSARY VARIANT by TBD
• The fallout of X-MEN: BATTLE OF THE ATOM continues!
• X-23 is back and kissing… WHO IS THE MYSTERY MAN??!
32 PGS./Rated T …$3.99

Well this confirms one of two things. First and foremost, it confirms what was already hinted at earlier this year at San Diego Comic Con. At the X-men Panel, it was announced that X-23 would be rejoining the X-books after her extended stint in Avengers Arena. And not able to contain his excitement, Brian Michael Bendis hinted that she would be joining one of his books. Well we now know that he wasn't just drinking too much Red Bull. X-23 is officially coming to All New X-men. And she won't waste time getting friendly with her new team. Like Wolverine, she just has to get emotionally entangled with someone or fuck them, whichever comes first.

But who could it be? Who would be in a position to soak X-23's panties? She hasn't had much of a love life since Hellion turned out to be a total prick. She didn't get a lot of action in Avengers Arena so who catches her fancy in All New X-men? I posed this question on the CBR Message Board, but that was like asking retarded dog for help on my Calculus homework. Everyone seems to be making some pretty major assumptions, namely that X-23 is going to hook up with O5 Cyclops. Their primary reason...it would make Wolverine shit out his spine. Now I don't deny that Wolverine would probably react more violently than Charlie Sheen when he's out of blow at the knowledge of his clone daughter hooking up with Cyclops, but beyond that what the fuck would it do? I'm not saying it isn't possible. Bendis has already shown that he's willing to entertain fucked up pairings in All New X-men. But this shit would make even less sense than Jean and Beast.

I usually try not to make predictions because I rarely make good ones when it comes to comics. But I suspect this could be either O5 Iceman or O5 Angel. First of all, the guy in the cover doesn't have Cyclops's hair style or any hint of a visor. Iceman tends to have shorter hair more akin to Brad Pitt whereas Cyclops's hair is more akin to George Clooney. O5 Angel also has a similar hairstyle and given the shakeups in Battle of the Atom, he might end up rejoining the team. His wings might not be visible, but that doesn't mean they're not there. But at this point, I hope it's O5 Iceman and here's why.

To date, every character in the O5 has had a major story about them. O5 Cyclops and Jean Grey have been at the center of damn near every arc to date. O5 Beast shined early on when he helped heal his older self. O5 Angel got some face time when he met his older self and defected to Cyclops's revolutionary team. But O5 Iceman hasn't done jack shit. He hasn't been a major player in any of the arcs. He hasn't even been given a love interest. His willingness to flirt with a dangerous mutant girl in X-men Battle of the Atom #1 shows that he still has a functioning penis. He also showed that his penis responds favorably to dangerous girls and X-23 is dangerous on a level that even my ex-girlfriends can't match. And since everyone else seems to be getting their dicks wet in All New X-men, why not Iceman?

Then again, Bendis has been known to give the finger to expectations in the past. It really does depend on how Battle of the Atom ends. If the story ends with Cyclops and Jean becoming more distant, then I think X-23 will act as a rebound girl for O5 Cyclops. But if that story ends with them becoming closer and the Hank issue falling to the wayside, then I think O5 Iceman or O5 Angel are more likely. So far in Battle of the Atom, Jean and Scott have had their share of moments. But Marvel has shown time and again that they're willing to totally fuck up relationships, even long-established and cherished relationships. For that reason, I'm keeping my rubber boots handy because I'm certain that when the identity of the mystery man is revealed, a river of bullshit will follow. Nuff said!