Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #7

It's fitting that I put my brain and liver through hell at times when I'm reading a comic about the X-men going through a place that is akin to hell. Cyclops's revolutionary team is going through some hellish trial-by-fire in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Their new recruits were total pussies at first. Now they've got no choice but to be awesome. And these are my thoughts on such methods as I embrace the hellish undertones of this series.

Unfortunately, this hell of an issue begins by flat out giving away the ending. We see Magik sitting before Dr. Strange, who has ties to the same Avengers that want to put Cyclops on trial for murder, like a middle school girl who was sent to the school counselor for flashing her tits in gym class. She sounds completely unlike the sinister, demonic, yet lovable teenager that she had been since this series began and more like a freshly neutered puppy. It essentially implies that shit didn’t work out that well in this issue.

Flashback to the battle in Limbo. Cyclops and a team of new, inexperienced mutants are left to take on Dormammu’s armies. It took a little psychic trick from the Cuckoos to get them to stop pissing themselves and actually fight, but it’s not exactly a very fair fight. That doesn’t prevent the team from holding their own. They actually seem to do more than just provide a minor inconvenience to Mephisto’s forces. It also nicely demonstrates that many of these new X-men are still new to their powers. Watching them try to fight with them is like watching Ms. Utah try to give an economics lecture, but much more entertaining.

This entertainment, however, doesn’t hide the fact that their powers are still broken. Through much of the battle, Magik continues to narrate during her spoilerific therapy session with Dr. Strange. In this narration she reminds the reader that Cyclops, Emma, and Magneto are still dealing with broken powers thanks to the Phoenix Force. Her powers are broken too, which was what landed them in this real, actual hell in the first place. They’ve been trying to hide that shit the best they can since this series began. But in the same way pretending to be a modeling agent at a bar eventually catches up to you, it’s only a matter of time before this shit comes back to bite them.

While the rest of the X-men are taking on Dormammu’s minions, Magik takes on Dormammu himself. She is now wielding a fiery, demonic aura of superpowered teenage girl on her period. This makes for a much more even battle against someone who is essentially a fucking god in his own domain. Along the way, Magik surmises that she ended up pissing off Dormammu because her powers were harming Limbo. Then using the kind of reasoning skills not associated with teenagers, she figures that since Dormammu draws so much of his power from Limbo, she might as well harm it even more to harm him in return. I’m not going to point out how awesome it is that a cute Russian teenage blond girl figured that out. I’ll only refer pissed of feminists that constantly bitch about female characters in comics to this issue to show that even the type of girls associated with Russian brides can kick ass.

The problem with Magik’s perfectly logical tactics against Dormammu is it’s too damn slow. Those glitchy powers I mentioned earlier finally start to catch up to the team. So does the whole removing the fear from the newbies tactic. Some get hurt while Cyclops and Magneto’s fucked up powers start fucking them over. This adds some urgency to Magik’s methods. It also shows nicely that this team is still pretty raw. They’re like an expansion team in football trying to play a team comprised completely of pro-bowlers (or the San Francisco 49ers). It’s not exactly comical. It’s downright tragic and leaves me wondering just how fucked Cyclops’s revolution is.

And Magik seems to know just how fucked it is because she sees how badly her teammates are fucking up. Despite showing some grit early on, they eventually fall like the fat kids in dodge ball. So she has to go to more extremes and for a teenager, that’s almost always dangerous. Rather than continue fighting the entire Limbo dimension, Magik beats Dormammu by actually absorbing it into herself. There’s something oddly sexual and misogynistic about this, taking all this evil into your body and containing it. Or maybe it’s just a big fart joke. Either way, that’s how she ends the battle.

And it’s a very unglamorous way to do so. Magik absorbing an entire dimension is not quite as bad as Superboy’s continuity punch, but it’s in the same ball park. If she can absorb an entire fucking dimension, what’s going to happen the next time she takes a shit? Moreover, how is containing a dimension that has Dormammu as it’s good in the body of a teenage girl going to function as a long-term solution? It doesn’t even come off as one of those “it seemed like a good idea at the time” moments that happens every time one too many bottles of tequila are involved in a vacation. For a book about a mutant revolution, all this demonic shit just seems really out of place.

While Illyana disappears with an entire demonic dimension in her insides, the rest of the team are roughly dropped back at their base. Both their pride and their spirits are wounded, but some are more wounded than others. Benjamin, the male Mystique in training, was seriously hurt during the battle. Seeing as how his power to this point is taking on the look of girls he’s trying to bone, that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. It also further reinforces the notion that these X-men are horribly under-equipped to deal with the rigors that comes with being a mutant. But they’re not completely without redemption.

One mutant who actually does have some degree of mastery over his powers is Christopher. His powers involve healing and while he claims he has only mended cuts and bruises to this point, he makes an effort at healing Benjamin. He needs some guidance from Emma Frost and the Cuckoos and since he flirted with the Cuckoos in the previous issue, he has a lot of incentive to succeed. He knows that if he lets a teammate die, he can assume he’ll die a virgin and the Cuckoos will keep their panties under lock and key.

There may be hope for Christopher’s penis though because he does succeed. He essentially brings Benjamin back from the dead, which is a power that should comes in handy when comics resort to killing characters every couple of months. It’s also a nice scene that shows that not all these young mutants are completely inept. They are capable of doing some shit right. It just might be a bit early for them to start fighting demons in Limbo. Maybe they can save that for their junior year or something.

But not everyone wants to stick around for that junior year. In fact, most teenagers only wish they could skip or ditch high school by that point. And Goldballer, or Fabio as he’s called when someone isn’t making fun of his mutation, reverts back to the whiney little pussy he was a few issues ago. He says he wants no part of the X-men. Being able to shoot out gold balls and training in the Danger Room is one thing. Fighting demons in Limbo is just too much. And I can’t blame him, but for a scene that should be full of teen angst it’s very underwhelming. The whole resolution to this issue is underwhelming. Maybe it’s because it was already spoiled in the beginning, but there is way too much room for improvement here.

In addition to being underwhelming, the ending is also light on details. It ends exactly where it began, with Magik bitching and moaning to Dr. Strange about having a dark dimension inside her. Now to be fair, that’s one of the few things that’s actually worth bitching and moaning about. If you complain that nobody loves you and you have no friends outside of Facebook, you’re a pussy. But if you complain that you now have to contain a dark dimension in your soul every hour of every day, you’ve got problems and you do need a doctor and probably some very potent medications. That’s how this issue ends. It’s akin to Magik visiting a therapist. It’s as exciting as it sounds.

This is by far the weakest issue of Uncanny X-men to date. For a series that has been so damn awesome since it began, it’s quite a downgrade. At the very least this issue ends the whole Limbo story quickly and can just set it aside. Now the next story can get back to more important matters like why Magneto shaved his head, how O5 Angel is going to fit in with the new team, and when Cyclops is going to bone Dazzler. These are my thoughts on Uncanny X-men #7 and no, I don’t give a shit about how fucked up they are. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Multiple Levels of Awesome

The first day of school is like a recurring national tragedy for most teenagers. It's basically the beginning of a nine month prison sentence where you'll be harassed, judged, molded, and controlled by teachers, peers, and government sponsored administrators who want to make sure you fit the mold of a future taxpayer/soldier. I always remembered feeling like a deer locked in Ted Nugant's basement on the night before the first day of school. I knew that I was destined for slaughter, but at least with the dear it was over in the span of time it took Nugant to load his gun. For students, that slaughter lasted nine fucking months.

I imagine the first mission for an X-man is a lot like the first day of school. You're woefully unprepared. You're inexperienced and overwhelmed. And you'll probably be judged in a way that will make you want to crawl into a ball, tuck your dick between your legs, and cry like a girl who just watched her uncle burn her My Little Pony correction. I would argue that missions with the X-men are still not as bad as gym class, algebra, and chemistry. But sometimes the missions have a way of being so fucked up that some students would be begging for a calculus exam.

That's the sentiment I think the students of the new Xavier Institute feel. After the events of Uncanny X-men #5, the school is finally coming together. So far Brian Michael Bendis has done an excellent job setting the stage for this school while capturing all the necessary drama from O5 Angel's defection to the student's learning why the Danger Room is dangerous. But before these students can even get their first lesson, Magik shows some strange symptoms that are extreme even for a teenage girl.

Now I've been fairly ambivalent about Magik since she became a demon-loving sociopath during Matt Fraction's run. But there is no denying that she is one of Cyclops's heavy hitters. She's a teenage girl with the power of Hell at her fingertips. You couldn't get a much more potent weapon without giving Dr. Doom unlimited amounts of weapons grade plutonium and crystal meth. She was one of the only ones whose powers didn't seem to be affected by the Phoenix Force. But in Uncanny X-men #5, we found out that wasn't exactly the case. And Dormammu, who happens to have a demon vacation home in Limbo, didn't much appreciate it. So Magik unwittingly transported the team and the new students to Limbo to battle demons. I'll finally say it. I think that is worse than my high school gym class. However, my gym teacher still looks striking similar to Dormammu.

But Uncanny X-men #6 doesn’t go straight to the bowels of Hell/Limbo from the onset. That would be too much for a world that still gives Pat Robertson his own TV show. One of the ongoing stories that has been unfolding since this series began is new mutants manifesting all over the world with new powers. The past few issues haven’t explored that, but Bendis shows in the first few pages of this issue that he has no intention of ditching that aspect of the story. This time it isn’t some whiney teenager though. It’s some 30-year-old guy named David whose girlfriend broke up with him via text message and is now moving out. For men of all ages, this is a low-point that only hard liquor and a box of tissues can solve. But rather than cry like a baby as his now ex-girlfriend drives off, David finds out he has a power that allows him to control her car and bring her back. She’s obviously pissed and confused, but it’s yet another new mutant who is going to be vulnerable after an ex-girlfriend busts his balls. In other words, he’s perfect future X-men material!

We then go from one hell to another. Now in Limbo, the team and the inexperienced teenage mutants who managed to get their asses kicked by the Danger Room in the previous issue are staring down Dormammu and a demon-possessed Magik. Compare that to the Original Five’s first mission, which involved only a giant robot and a guy with a bucket for a helmet. I think it’s fair to say they’re behind the curve. And Dormammu makes it clear that he’s not going to go easy on them just because their kids. In fact, he’s going to basically use them to fuck with Magik because that’s just the kind of guy he is. In this sense, giant robots don’t seem so bad.

However, this scene also highlighted and issue I usually don’t discuss on this blog and that’s the artwork. I love pretty pictures as much as the next drunk and most of the time I don’t expect the quality of Jim Lee or Mark Bagley with every issue. That would be like wanting every hooker to look like Pamela Anderson. But unlike hookers, I’m willing to look past mediocre art. But when it’s downright crappy, I do take notice. And this is one instance where the absence of Chris Belacho is really felt. The background of Limbo and the depiction of Dorammu here is atrocious and it spans the whole length of the book. It’s not horrible, but it’s difficult to look past even with the aid of my best weed. The inks are smeared, the colors are weak, and Dromammu looks more like a lion’s nutsack than a fiery demon. It doesn’t take away from the story, but it is painfully apparent.

As you might expect, the new mutants are busy shitting themselves, Magik is in full demon mode. She’s a teenager too, but she’s one of those teenagers that has firepower to go along with those irrational instincts. And that leads to some petty insults followed by some standard attacks. It’s not much in the sense that its wordy when it should be a big orgy of hellfire. Cyclops definitely adds to it by showing off his new fucked up powers. Because of the art it’s hard to appreciate how badass they are, but I’m guessing that blasting Dormammu helped soak the panties of both Emma Frost and Tempus (in a good way that is). It also shows why he’s still the leader and still as badass as Wolverine, minus the body hair.

However, these initial blasts don’t amount to much. In fact, they barely amount to anything other than weakening Cyclops and pissing off Magik’s demon side. She tries sending everyone back to the non-hellish world, but fails. There’s more talking here, which basically amounts to Dormmamu fucking with Magik while the new mutants whine like little pussies. But to be fair, they have every right to. I’m normally inclined to poke fun at characters in comics that act like future prison bitches, but in this instance Bendis actually creates a setting where such bitching is justified. These aren’t experienced X-men staring down Limbo. These are inexperienced teenagers. Unless they had gym class with me in high school, they’re not prepared for this.

And while I won’t poke fun at the young mutants, I will point out that there was way too much talking here. Bendis is great with mixing dialog and action. In this instance it didn’t mix as well as it has for most of the series. But I look at it as a bad batch of pot brownies. Even though they turn out bad, they can still get you high. So I don’t think it takes too much away from the plot. It causes it to drag for a bit.

But Bendis doesn’t let it drag for long. In the same way he touched on an ongoing theme in Uncanny X-men with a new mutant, he takes a break from hellish storylines to follow another plot that has been unfolding across multiple issues. It’s no secret that SHIELD and the Avengers got their asses served to them with a side of fries several issues ago. And Maria Hill takes pride in the sanctity of her ass so she’s not about to let this shit go.

With help from everyone’s favorite non-female SHIELD agent, Phil Coulson, she muses over the mutant issue while analyzing the sentinel that attacked in Uncanny X-men #1 (yet another great example of the connectivity in this series). In addition to having a nice ass, she’s smart enough to know that what they’re doing with mutants and with Cyclops ain’t working. And since the Uncanny Avengers can’t stop trying to strangle one another, SHIELD needs another approach to dealing with mutants and one that involves better analyzing the situation rather than treating Cyclops the same way they treat Hydra. It’s one of those things that should be common sense, but in the world of SHIELD sometimes common sense takes some pwnage to utilize.

Back in the hellish world that doesn’t involve the ex-girlfriend, the Stepford Cuckoos come to another hard conclusion that may also count as common sense. Dormmamu isn’t going to let them go and these young mutants are too chicken shit to be effective against his demon armies. So the only solution is to mind-fuck them to the point where they are no longer afraid and are ready to kick the devil in the balls while singing Journey songs. Now normally I’m morally opposed to mind-fucking unless it involves kinky sex antics from Emma Frost. But when it turns a bunch of whiney teenagers into a bunch of determined, badass X-men in training I think it’s not only justified. It’s necessary. It usually takes years for teenagers to overcome their innate fear of being inadequate. If a simple mind fuck helps them skip a few steps, then why not? It’s either that or whine while a demon uses them as toilet paper.

The talking finally stops and the fighting finally begins. And despite the poor artwork, it’s still a sight to behold. Both the veteran X-men and the new X-men fight together in their first major clash. It’s a big moment for this series in that Bendis has spent a number of issues just getting this team together and getting them into a base. Now they’re taking it to the next level and fighting as a team and against Dormammu’s mud demons no less. While it may still be a tough trial-by-fire for a group of new X-men, it should definitely make fighting killer robots in the future that much easier.

That’s not to say there isn’t some talking during this fight. However, it involves characters not participating in the fight. As the battle in Limbo is unfolding, Maria Hill is holding a little interview that is part of this new common sense approach to dealing with mutants. She claims she wants mutants to be treated equally as well, but doesn’t trust a team where Magneto is whispering into the ear of Cyclops. That’s not unreasonable in the slightest, but she still makes it clear that she doesn’t trust Cyclops and doesn’t trust what this revolution of his entails. So she needs someone to help her improve mutant relations without risking the Avengers getting pwned. And who might be willing to help?

Thankfully, we don’t have to wait until the next issue to find out. In fact, we didn’t even have to wait until this issue. It was already announced in future solicits that Dazzler would be joining SHIELD and would show up in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Well in this scene we find out how she gets caught up with SHIELD. After proving herself in the pages of Xtreme X-men and showing that she’s a capable leader in X-Terminator, she’s ready to become more than a glorified Lady Gaga parody. And in a series that already has a number of hot blonds on the team, I guess another couldn’t hurt.

In this day and age, the ability to multi-task is almost as valuable a survival skill as the ability to secure your next meal. It’s not to just be able to wrestle a bear while satisfying a woman. You have to be able to balance your checkbook, cook your meals, maintain your schedule, meet deadlines, stay in shape, and still have the energy to knock up or be knocked up to secure your bloodline. The people that don’t do that become Charles Darwin’s bitch. And reading Uncanny X-men, I get the sense that Brian Michael Bendis is trying to do overcompensate by making Drawin his bitch in ways that Kirk Cameron only dreams of. And the end result is pretty fucking awesome.

Uncanny X-men #6 didn’t just continue the story that Bendis has been developing with Magik and Dormammu for the past couple issues while exploring the mindset of a bunch of teenage mutants who have more pubic hair than experience. He established two new plots and found ways to make it mesh with the story he was already telling. We don’t just get yet another new mutant. We get some reactions from SHIELD, who were still clearly butthurt from the pwnage Cyclops gave them a few issues ago. But more importantly, we get a plan that brings Dazzler into the mix. Having thoroughly enjoyed her development in Xtreme X-men under Greg Pak, I’m just giddy like a chipmunk on crystal meth at the prospects of Bendis bringing her into Uncanny.

Very few writers can effectively balance multiple plots in a comic without it becoming an outright clusterfuck. Brian Michael Bendis is one of those few who can do so on a consistent basis and he’s been demonstrating that to great effect in both this series and All New X-men. He’s giving this team of X-men a very different set of circumstances compared to the All New X-men crew or even the previous Extinction Team. This is a team that isn’t seen as heroes, but Cyclops is still making an effort to do what he was trained to do by Charles Xavier. He’s trying to protect new mutants from the general douche-baggery of the world while teaching a new generation of mutants. Sure, he was the one that killed Xavier in a Phoenix-fueled rage, but if Wolverine can kill his own son and still rub elbows with Captain America, then I say bygones!

The balance in this issue was the highlight. However, there were some lowlights that kept it from being perfect. I usually don’t comment on the art of a book, but I’m really missing Chris Belecho’s style after seeing this issue. Not that it’s bad, but at times it looks link the inks were smeared with bull semen. Don’t ask me how I know what those smears look like. Also, certain scenes like Dormammu’s boasting made the story drag at times. It felt like it took way too fucking long for the team to get their act together and attack Dormammu. It’s like two drunks acting like they’re going to fight, but instead just stand around insulting each other’s’ mother. That’s okay for a bar fight. Not for a comic.

Overall, Uncanny X-men #6 maintains the high quality that Brian Michael Bendis has established with his X-books. That kind of consistency is rare in this day and age. The ADHD nature of comics, writers, and fans make consistent books as rare as a child star that doesn’t grow up to be a total fuck-up. I won’t say that Uncanny X-men is as awesome as Neil Patrick Harris, but I will say it’s in the same ballpark. I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 4 out of 5. If anything, we should take one vital lesson from this issue. Mind-fucking someone may be wrong in most circumstances, but it’s probably the only way to make a bunch of whiney teenagers into effective contributors. And for that, I deem it both justified and awesome. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #5 - Demon Seeds of Awesome

We all go through rebellious phases in our lives. When we're young, uninformed, and gullible we actually think that shit like communism, bell bottoms, and hair metal are cool. We think we can solve all the world's problems within a generation with simple, common-sense solutions that the fat cats in power are too chicken shit to do. As we grow up, we learn that we're not just dead wrong. We also learn that the teenage mind is capable of immense ass-backwards thinking. That kind of thinking also leads some of us to go through a goth phase or a hippie phase of sorts where we just think it's so cool to stop giving a fuck. It's only later in life that we realize that not giving a fuck won't make you cool. It'll make you unemployed, broke, and smelling like hobo piss.

The exception to that rule is Magik. Unlike the goths and hippies, all that sinister energy they feel around them is not only real. But there's no need for weed or LSD to make use of it. She is a teenager and a pretty blond at that. So it shouldn't be too surprising that she gets a pussy boner with all things hellfire and brimstone. That and being the lord of Limbo and losing her soul probably didn't help. She is by far the most dangerous combination you can get without giving a metric ton of weapons grade plutonium to North Korea. She's a teenage girl armed with the powers of a devil and no common sense on how to use it.

Because of this dangerous mix, Magik is one of the most powerful figures on Cyclops's team. She was a big part of the Extinction Team during Kieron Gillen's run. She was one of the Phoenix Five and ended up being the only one who didn't have her powers fucked up. Now a member of Cyclops's new revolutionary team, she's now the most powerful by default, so much so that some of the new teenage mutants can't help but get a boner around her. As someone who has banged his share of goth chicks, I completely understand that. But for a girl who literally lost her soul in Limbo, that sort of evil pussy just isn't worth it.

Now Magik's devil-loving ways seem to be catching up with her in a manner that Jerry Falwell (may his intolerant ass burn in Hell) would have bitched about endlessly. In the previous issue of Uncanny X-men, the focus was on Cyclops recruiting O5 Angel from the Jean Grey Institute. However, one of the random side-plots was Magik having a few bouts of Hellfire PMS. No explanation was given, but it's clear that this will be the next major challenge for Cyclops's revolutionary team. Because what's a better exercise than taking on the very forces of Hell itself? When you just got done pwning the Avengers, you gotta ride that momentum as far as it will take you.

The first problem is SHIELD. While pwning the Avengers may feel good in the short term, like herpes it could come back to haunt the team in the long run. Bendis, always attentive to detail, takes some time to show Maria Hill and SHIELD’s reaction to Cyclops’s stunt in Australia. It’s easy to forget that this stunt took place in an area where people have cell phones, the internet, and too much free time. While the Avengers are content to fume while their balls regrow, it does show that Cyclops’s revolutionary team is getting plenty of attention and it’s not the good kind. They don’t take kindly to pwnage and now Cyclops is at the top of their shit list. The problem is we really don’t get a sense for how SHIELD and the Avengers are going to react. This is pretty much all we hear from them and we don’t even get a clue as to how they’re going to try to pwn them back. Other side-plots take priority.

Once such plot involves one of the many cute blond girls on Cyclops’s team and for once, it isn’t Emma Frost. In the previous issue, Magik just randomly flashed some hellfire-style PMS for no fucking reason. It was almost as random as a Lady Gaga outfit, but this issue dedicates a fuckton of ink to explaining that moment. And there’s a lot to explain. It basically amounts to Magik telling Cyclops about what happened to her. And the asshole behind it all was Dormammu, the flaming skull evil overlord who is more known for fucking with Dr. Strange. Now he’s decided to fuck with a messed up teenage girl. And for a great many reasons, I find this appropriate in ways that would piss off every feminist in the world.

Like any self-respecting messed up teenage girl (if that’s not the most paradoxical phrase ever uttered), Magik doesn’t take kindly to Dormammu’s shit and fights back. But in doing so he reveals something that has been touched on only slightly since the beginning of Uncanny X-men. It was established early on that everyone who interacted with the Phoenix Force had their powers fucked up. But for some reason Magik was as healthy and deviant as ever. Well, we now find out that isn’t exactly the case. Her powers were fucked up too and in the process, it fucked up the Limbo dimension she’s so closely linked to.

It makes a little bit of sense, but not as much as a sober mind would prefer. How exactly does her mixing it up with the Phoenix Force fuck up Limbo? Well seeing as how this involves magic and teenage girls, it probably falls into that category of things that can’t and probably shouldn’t make sense. And even if it doesn’t, it still provides a solid connection to the story that Bendis established earlier in the series. And those kinds of connections are like the private phone numbers of supermodels. They’re worth their weight in Wakandan vibranium.

But by fighting back, Magik also stirs in her what I’m assuming is a metaphor for every temper tantrum ever thrown by a teenage girl. Dormammu releases the Darkchilde, which is basically a cross between the Hulk, Satan, and that girl in high school that screams whenever she finds out someone posted those naked pictures of hers on Tumbler. Dormammu is basically pissing on a hornet’s nest. Even for a powerful demonic creature like him, that shit is pretty dangerous. He may be one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel universe, but you never get the sense that this match-up is unfair. Makes me think Dormammu probably would have been right at home in my old high school.

The hellish battle is pretty fucking epic. She lays into Dormammu and the demon hoards of Limbo with her flaming sword which isn’t a dick joke. And like the battle between the jocks and the gym coaches in high school, it’s pretty evenly matched. And keep in mind, this is just Magik retelling it to Cyclops. All this shit happened behind the scenes in the previous issue. So I guess karma worked quickly for the X-men after pwning the Avengers. But in the process of this battle, Dormammu also hints that Magik doesn’t completely understand how the Phoenix Force fucked up her powers. It offers some compelling hints that there are some other fucked up forces at work here that could be revealed later on. If your asshole doesn’t clench at the prospects, then you’re either too drunk or not drunk enough.

After telling Cyclops her story, Cyclops makes it clear to her that he wants to help her. While he may not be boning a hot blond anymore, they still have a special place in his heart. But what makes this scene even more compelling is how Magik actually shows some fear and emotion. For once, she’s not just some unapologetic bitch that reminds me of the women I used to date. It’s a major shift considering every other character has had their moment of drama except her. It’s overdue, but it has just the right impact.

Unfortunately, that impact is mired by yet another outburst of Hellfire PMS. And this time, the rest of the team hears it. They probably think Magik is pitching a demonic hissy fit or Cyclops allure to attractive blonds is too much for her. And they’re all still wide-eyed teenagers who just became mutants at this point. How the fuck are they supposed to process this when a few days ago they were only struggling to process the last two episodes of the Walking Dead?

At this point, however, the focus actually shifts away from Magik so that some of the other side-plots can be explored. Brian Michael Bendis has shown he’s willing to juggle multiple plots before and while it may be a bit late, he does make a nice effort to add more connections. This includes a nice moment with O5 Angel and Magneto. It’s easy to forget that from O5 Angel’s perspective, Magneto is still basically a mutant Hitler. O5 Angel reveals that he’s still not completely comfortable being around him, but he does note that Magneto does seem a bit less deranged. That or he just looks less creepy with a shaved head.

That’s not the only side-plot Bendis explores either. In the previous issue, all these young and inexperienced mutants were just getting to know one another. And that continues here. By that I mean some continue to flirt with one another. We saw a couple of flirtatious moments in the previous issue. We see even more here and why not? Three hot blonds just joined the team. Anything with a penis is bound to be at least somewhat intrigued. Although the Stepford Cuckoos make it clear they don’t appreciate it, going so far as to make Christopher forget his own name. It’s a funny, light-hearted moment in a comic involving demons and devils. It’s still a bit unbalanced, but at least it isn’t completely one-sided.

And it isn’t just the boys drooling either. As Cyclops returns with Magik, we find out that he still has this strange way of soaking a woman’s panties. He’s boned Jean Grey and Emma Frost. At one point Psylocke had the insatiable urge to bone him as well. Now it seems Tempus has taken a moment to admire him. He’s single, he’s charismatic, and he’s a wanted fugitive. He’s basically a walking pussy magnet right now and anyone who has a daughter with a functioning vagina should be very afraid.

Sadly though, these light-hearted moments of boners and soaked panties are shot lived. As they begin mulling over options to help Magik, she has another bout of hellfire-fueled PMS. And this time, she takes the whole team along for the ride. She claims she’s not the one behind it. She may or may not be telling the truth, but it effectively ends the comic with Cyclops and his new inexperienced team right in the middle of Limbo. So they thought fighting the Avengers was a challenge? How about an army of demons? I guess in addition to attracting beautiful woman, Cyclops just can’t help but attract the wrath of evil forces.

If you just happen to be in that rebellious phase I mentioned earlier, this comic may encourage you to davel in devil worship. If you’re a guy, you’ll want to bone Magik until she sets your dick on fire. If you’re a girl, you’ll want to dress like Magik and recruit your own army of demons. The Christian Coalition may go ape shit over it, but that doesn’t prevent this issue from being any less awesome. Even if you’re not inclined to join a Satanist cult or participate in human sacrifice at the moment, you’ll still find plenty to enjoy about this comic.

This issue effectively establishes the next major challenge that Cyclops’s revolutionary team will have to face. Pwning the Avengers? Shit, that’s what they do on the weekends when there’s no football on. They actually have to go up against the demon hoards of Limbo now. There’s trial by fire and then there’s trial by fucking hellfire. For a team that is still new and includes a bunch of young, inexperienced, and obviously horny mutants, that’s a pretty tall order. And Brian Michael Bendis sets it up beautifully.

He had to juggle a number of plots in this issue. The biggest was, by far, Magik’s hellish outburst. It’s probably the first time Magik has come off as more than just a deranged teenage girl that hung out with Charlie Sheen for too long. She actually had some emotion here to go along with the conflict, which is a very nice shift. It also forced Cyclops to set aside his revolution to help one of his fellow X-men. So even though many may see him as the douche that murdered Charles Xavier, he’s still a caring guy who will do his best to help his teammates. That helps make him less of a douche and soaks the panties of teenage girls like Tempus.

Even though the Magik plot was the most pressing concern in this issue, there were a number of side-plots that helped keep this issue coherent with the others. Bendis continued the plot he established in the previous issue of having the new mutants get to know one another. And as he’s already done a number of times, he’s shown that these are still teenagers. And unfortunately, the horniness of most teenagers exceeds their common sense. It added some more light-hearted moments to what is otherwise the kind of plot that Bill O’Riley believes takes place in the ACLU every day. In other words, it’s near perfect balance.

I say near-perfect because it did get a little choppy at times. That’s bound to happen when you try to juggle too many plots. It’s like having multiple girlfriends. When it works, it’s an orgy of awesome. When it doesn’t, you’ll either be nagged to death or castrated in your sleep. I get the sense that this issue fell somewhere in between. Bendis has shown in previous issues that he can balance multiple plots (and women probably). However, that didn’t show here. Some of the scene, such as the conversations between Magneto and O5 Angel, felt a bit underdone and so did the first scene with SHIELD. It didn’t distract from the quality of the art, the impact of the drama, or the solid progression of the story. But it did keep this comic from having that perfect blend that would make it perfectly awesome. For that reason, I give Uncanny X-men #5 a 4.5 out of 5. Cyclops’s team is literally going through hell right now. After reading this issue, we’re left with only one question. Which woman will be smitten by Cyclops next? Nuff said!