Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #7

It's fitting that I put my brain and liver through hell at times when I'm reading a comic about the X-men going through a place that is akin to hell. Cyclops's revolutionary team is going through some hellish trial-by-fire in the pages of Uncanny X-men. Their new recruits were total pussies at first. Now they've got no choice but to be awesome. And these are my thoughts on such methods as I embrace the hellish undertones of this series.

Unfortunately, this hell of an issue begins by flat out giving away the ending. We see Magik sitting before Dr. Strange, who has ties to the same Avengers that want to put Cyclops on trial for murder, like a middle school girl who was sent to the school counselor for flashing her tits in gym class. She sounds completely unlike the sinister, demonic, yet lovable teenager that she had been since this series began and more like a freshly neutered puppy. It essentially implies that shit didn’t work out that well in this issue.

Flashback to the battle in Limbo. Cyclops and a team of new, inexperienced mutants are left to take on Dormammu’s armies. It took a little psychic trick from the Cuckoos to get them to stop pissing themselves and actually fight, but it’s not exactly a very fair fight. That doesn’t prevent the team from holding their own. They actually seem to do more than just provide a minor inconvenience to Mephisto’s forces. It also nicely demonstrates that many of these new X-men are still new to their powers. Watching them try to fight with them is like watching Ms. Utah try to give an economics lecture, but much more entertaining.

This entertainment, however, doesn’t hide the fact that their powers are still broken. Through much of the battle, Magik continues to narrate during her spoilerific therapy session with Dr. Strange. In this narration she reminds the reader that Cyclops, Emma, and Magneto are still dealing with broken powers thanks to the Phoenix Force. Her powers are broken too, which was what landed them in this real, actual hell in the first place. They’ve been trying to hide that shit the best they can since this series began. But in the same way pretending to be a modeling agent at a bar eventually catches up to you, it’s only a matter of time before this shit comes back to bite them.

While the rest of the X-men are taking on Dormammu’s minions, Magik takes on Dormammu himself. She is now wielding a fiery, demonic aura of superpowered teenage girl on her period. This makes for a much more even battle against someone who is essentially a fucking god in his own domain. Along the way, Magik surmises that she ended up pissing off Dormammu because her powers were harming Limbo. Then using the kind of reasoning skills not associated with teenagers, she figures that since Dormammu draws so much of his power from Limbo, she might as well harm it even more to harm him in return. I’m not going to point out how awesome it is that a cute Russian teenage blond girl figured that out. I’ll only refer pissed of feminists that constantly bitch about female characters in comics to this issue to show that even the type of girls associated with Russian brides can kick ass.

The problem with Magik’s perfectly logical tactics against Dormammu is it’s too damn slow. Those glitchy powers I mentioned earlier finally start to catch up to the team. So does the whole removing the fear from the newbies tactic. Some get hurt while Cyclops and Magneto’s fucked up powers start fucking them over. This adds some urgency to Magik’s methods. It also shows nicely that this team is still pretty raw. They’re like an expansion team in football trying to play a team comprised completely of pro-bowlers (or the San Francisco 49ers). It’s not exactly comical. It’s downright tragic and leaves me wondering just how fucked Cyclops’s revolution is.

And Magik seems to know just how fucked it is because she sees how badly her teammates are fucking up. Despite showing some grit early on, they eventually fall like the fat kids in dodge ball. So she has to go to more extremes and for a teenager, that’s almost always dangerous. Rather than continue fighting the entire Limbo dimension, Magik beats Dormammu by actually absorbing it into herself. There’s something oddly sexual and misogynistic about this, taking all this evil into your body and containing it. Or maybe it’s just a big fart joke. Either way, that’s how she ends the battle.

And it’s a very unglamorous way to do so. Magik absorbing an entire dimension is not quite as bad as Superboy’s continuity punch, but it’s in the same ball park. If she can absorb an entire fucking dimension, what’s going to happen the next time she takes a shit? Moreover, how is containing a dimension that has Dormammu as it’s good in the body of a teenage girl going to function as a long-term solution? It doesn’t even come off as one of those “it seemed like a good idea at the time” moments that happens every time one too many bottles of tequila are involved in a vacation. For a book about a mutant revolution, all this demonic shit just seems really out of place.

While Illyana disappears with an entire demonic dimension in her insides, the rest of the team are roughly dropped back at their base. Both their pride and their spirits are wounded, but some are more wounded than others. Benjamin, the male Mystique in training, was seriously hurt during the battle. Seeing as how his power to this point is taking on the look of girls he’s trying to bone, that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. It also further reinforces the notion that these X-men are horribly under-equipped to deal with the rigors that comes with being a mutant. But they’re not completely without redemption.

One mutant who actually does have some degree of mastery over his powers is Christopher. His powers involve healing and while he claims he has only mended cuts and bruises to this point, he makes an effort at healing Benjamin. He needs some guidance from Emma Frost and the Cuckoos and since he flirted with the Cuckoos in the previous issue, he has a lot of incentive to succeed. He knows that if he lets a teammate die, he can assume he’ll die a virgin and the Cuckoos will keep their panties under lock and key.

There may be hope for Christopher’s penis though because he does succeed. He essentially brings Benjamin back from the dead, which is a power that should comes in handy when comics resort to killing characters every couple of months. It’s also a nice scene that shows that not all these young mutants are completely inept. They are capable of doing some shit right. It just might be a bit early for them to start fighting demons in Limbo. Maybe they can save that for their junior year or something.

But not everyone wants to stick around for that junior year. In fact, most teenagers only wish they could skip or ditch high school by that point. And Goldballer, or Fabio as he’s called when someone isn’t making fun of his mutation, reverts back to the whiney little pussy he was a few issues ago. He says he wants no part of the X-men. Being able to shoot out gold balls and training in the Danger Room is one thing. Fighting demons in Limbo is just too much. And I can’t blame him, but for a scene that should be full of teen angst it’s very underwhelming. The whole resolution to this issue is underwhelming. Maybe it’s because it was already spoiled in the beginning, but there is way too much room for improvement here.

In addition to being underwhelming, the ending is also light on details. It ends exactly where it began, with Magik bitching and moaning to Dr. Strange about having a dark dimension inside her. Now to be fair, that’s one of the few things that’s actually worth bitching and moaning about. If you complain that nobody loves you and you have no friends outside of Facebook, you’re a pussy. But if you complain that you now have to contain a dark dimension in your soul every hour of every day, you’ve got problems and you do need a doctor and probably some very potent medications. That’s how this issue ends. It’s akin to Magik visiting a therapist. It’s as exciting as it sounds.

This is by far the weakest issue of Uncanny X-men to date. For a series that has been so damn awesome since it began, it’s quite a downgrade. At the very least this issue ends the whole Limbo story quickly and can just set it aside. Now the next story can get back to more important matters like why Magneto shaved his head, how O5 Angel is going to fit in with the new team, and when Cyclops is going to bone Dazzler. These are my thoughts on Uncanny X-men #7 and no, I don’t give a shit about how fucked up they are. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #7 - Evolutionary Conflicts (of Awesome)

The most I know about evolutionary biology and anthropology extends to how it explains my liver function and how I an use this knowledge to process more booze. It hasn't helped me win any additional beer pong matches that I wouldn't have already won or helped me avoid taking a shit in the kitchen sink, but at times it has helped me understand certain elements of the X-men comics. You don't need to be Richard Dawkins to appreciate the role evolution plays with the X-men. You can be a middle school dropout and still understand that if you give nature enough time, it's going to evolve some pretty awesome shit. So when you create a little pocket of land where evolution has millions of years and unlimited energy akin to Game Genie cheat codes, it's going to cause the kind of shit that only Cyclops's Extinction team is equipped to deal with.

This is the essence of Tabula Rasa, the pocket world created in the Dark Angel Saga where Arcangel got the spirit of Charles Darwin shit faced and had him go crazy on a world where God's image just doesn't apply. When the Dark Angel Saga ended, Tabula Rasa remained and that fancy time bubble that allowed millions of years to pass in the same time frame as a Seinfeld rerun collapsed. This led all that fancy life to go ape-shit and abduct some overly curious humans, which prompted the Extinction Team to explore this area that's within God's blind spot and uncover it's secrets.

The previous issue spent a good deal of time uncovering those secrets while not showing much action. This was okay to a point because it explained the source of that Iron Man wannabe that showed up a few issues ago and introduced the Apex, the advanced race of intelligent humanoid creatures that look like the Predator if it were shaved and neutered. Most died when the time bubble collapsed and one of the remaining Apex met up with the X-men to explain what they're up against. Apparently, the other remaining survivor had too much free time and when he/she/it found out that the entire Apex civilization was gone, he/she/it (I'll just say he because I don't see any breasts) responded in the healthiest way possible...by creating a massive suit of death fueled by Celestial energy. I guess they didn't evolve some form of booze on Tabula Rasa.

Uncanny X-men #7 picks up after the X-men have had time to process this threat and formulate a plan that doesn't involve shitting their pants. It doesn't help that their friend, who humbly calls himself Good Apex, is such a douche-bag. He probably would have called himself Longrod Von Ironcock (assuming he has something akin to a penis) if possible. But he settles for something basic because he doesn't think non-Apex creatures can appreciate his race. So I guess evolution doesn't have a mechanism for keeping sentient life from becoming douche-bags. At least this so called Good Apex leads them to a mountain where Celestial energy is in the process of being released by his Bad Apex counterpart. Only Storm, Cyclops, Magneto, and Psylocke are on the front line. Hope, Namor, Colossus, and Illyana are busy and we don't hear from them in the entire comic. For a series that's usually pretty balanced, that's not a good sign.

You know what also isn't a good sign? More talking after the last issue was full of extended explanations about Tabula Rasa, the creatures in it, and how sentient beings that have the skin texture of elephant shit became the dominant species in this mini-world. To be fair, Kieron Gillen does link up some of the details in the previous issue with this issue. In the last issue, Good Apex explained how his people set up shop in a temple fueled by Celestial energy to keep them in a deep sleep that turned into just your typical death sleep. In this issue the X-men visit said temple and find out that Bad Apex didn't just set up shop in the unofficial tomb of the Apex, he set up shop in a monument containing all the accomplishments of his civilization. So it's part museum and part crypt. It's fitting yet still a little bit creepy.

As they journey through this creepy temple, there's more talking about the Apex and no real action. It's just walking and talking. Basically Lord of the Rings without the big ass battle scenes. However, it does help Kieron Gillen's dialog is smooth and easy to follow. It makes the excessive talking that much more bearable, but eventually they do reach their destination. The X-men and Good Apex find Bad Apex in the middle of what must be his 18th nervous breakdown. He's standing in a bed of busted up butterflies/robots/shit that doesn't have a word for it yet. It essentially is a metaphor for how fucked his world is and much it pisses him off. In this lament he calls Good Apex "unwife." Now I'm not sure what this term entails, but I'm pretty sure it would make for awesome fetish porn and/or a kick-ass episode of Jerry Springer.

Zoophiliac feelings aside, Bad Apex proves he's true to his title when he uses his Iron Man-eqsue suit to attack the X-men. So we finally get some action, but it isn't much. Bad Apex just fires a missile that blows up and makes everyone wish they were born without a head for a brief moment. It's not unlike waking up the next morning after six bottles of tequila. It's not too fair a fight from the onset. Magneto, usually adept at diverting missiles with his powers, wasn't too effective because Bad Apex apparently had a few spare million years to perfect technology that overcame simple magnetism. It's a little cheap, but that's the power of evolution I guess.

At this point when we finally get some action, the impact really isn't all that great. There was a lot of talking in this and the last issue that set up this confrontation, yet not much happened as a result. The lack of involvement from Hope, Namor, Illyana, or Colossus doesn't help either. We don't know what's going on or if they're aware of any of the shit that's taking Celestial energy and using it as toilet paper. Usually, Gillen is able to make his work pretty coherent when balancing multiple plots and characters. This is the first time where his story is getting narrow. It's not too egregious, but given the high standards that he himself set it is pretty disappointing.

The battle isn't too basic though. Despite the apparent ease with which Bad Apex took down the X-men, Psylocke mixes it up a bit by doing some ninja-style sneak attacks. It always helps that she's wearing a skin-tight uniform that shows off her ass while she's jamming a katana into an robot/disturbed sentient creature. Bad Apex still manages to shake the attack off as well as a follow-up shot from Cyclops. He boasts along the way as you would expect anyone who enjoys fucking with superheroes. So even with millions of years of evolution, making stupid quips and sounding like a pompous ass can't be naturally selected out of existence. It gives me little hope for the future of the human race.

Whereas the X-men are attempting and failing with the direct approach, Good Apex is trying something a little more subtle. He sneaks past his unwife (seriously, Gillen should copyright that shit) and tries to get to the Celestial energy that's fueling this shit. At this point Danger actually shows that she's not only sexy in a way that only Japanese fetish porn can articulate, she's useful because she creates a space suit for Good Apex to brave the danger. Despite being an arrogant creature, Good Apex is impressed and maybe a little turned on. I can't tell if these creatures get boners. But whatever the case, he tries to find the Celestial off switch. Bad Apex, having had enough fun roughing up the X-men, goes after him and attacks. I'm not sure if this counts as domestic or spousal abuse, but it has explosions so it's no worse than my uncle's third marriage.

The action definitely ramps up here because it has more of an emotional element. Good Apex clearly cares about Bad Apex and is trying to stop him from making a mistake that only a brain-damaged, tramatized being with a god-machine would make. He manages to vent a good deal of the Celestial energy. As expected, Bad Apex doesn't appreciate this and lashes out in a way that can only be compared to the way my ex-girlfriend used to attack me when I sold her jewelry for blow. Bad Apex probably would have become the Apex equivalent of OJ Simpson, but then Storm rejoined the battle and threw some lightning into the mix. That tends to help quell deranged ex-spouses (to a point).

In addition to the lightning, Storm rightfully criticizes in a rather colorful way that Bad Apex was shitting on the legacy of his entire civilization. This doesn't seem to bother Bad Apex, but since Good Apex drained all the Celestial energy he can't exactly continue with his policy of burning an entire world to a crisp. So after shaking off Storm's little lecture, Bad Apex and his pet robot disappears to regroup. It's not a typical bad-guy-getting-away type scenario. It's more a bad-guy-calling-timeout-so-he-can-find-another-way-to-fuck-with-them type scenario. It's the kind of ending that doesn't make for much closure. It actually makes the overall arc feel like it's dragging now. All we know is that Bad Apex is going to try something equally or more fucked up that will probably turn Tabula Rasa into a pile of dog shit. I want to get excited about it, but I'm just not feeling aroused by dog shit anymore.

After the previous issue, I was working under the assumption that the plots that were set up would be appropriately developed and/or blown up in this issue. There were a few explosions. There was some fighting as well. But for the most part, it was just more talking and more setup like the last issue. Like I said in my review of Uncanny X-men #6, I don't mind it when Kieron Gillen flexes his literary muscle. It's like a guy with a big dick or a woman with big tits. If you've got it, flaunt it. But like big dicks and big tits, flaunting can be distracting and in this issue there just wasn't enough substance to go along with the flaunting. It was like a rum and coke without the rum.

That's not to say there wasn't some good development here. Not only did we get some insight into the whole unwife concept for the Apex, but we also developed a new understanding for what Bad Apex is doing. This is a creature that woke up, found out that the entire Apex civilization had gone to shit, and there was nothing that could be done to save it. So Bad Apex is doing what is akin to giving Iran an H-bomb in the Marvel Universe, using Celestial energy to assemble the kind of tools of destruction that makes God wish he hadn't rested on the seventh day because it makes him look lazy. The problem is it's just not coupled with enough emotion. We know Bad Apex is pissed and Good Apex is trying to stop this overblown hissy fit. There's just not enough substance to make the reader really give a damn about where Bad Apex is coming from or enough action to make the reader overlook it.

Not a whole lot was built up here, but Kieron Gillen did succeed in moving the story forward. He's very descriptive on what the threat to Tabula Rasa is and goes out of his way to develop the Apex, but doesn't really do much for the X-men. It's still good, but it feels like too much is missing and too much ink was wasted. Now Kieron Gillen has earned a lot of leeway with the quality of his work in Uncanny X-men so I can't dock him too much for his work in this issue. But I can't give this issue the praise I want. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #7 a 3 out of 5. Two issues have been spent building up this Tabula Rasa story. That's about half an issue too long. With all this setup, I'm hoping that the next issue will make me shit out my brains and barf up my colon. Nuff said!