Uncanny X-men #8 - Disorganized Awesome

I don't consider myself overly neurotic when it comes to cleanliness. In fact, if you saw my old dorm room you might be compelled the call the CDC out of fear from the biohazard caused by various foods, exotic substances, and several unidentified stains on the bedsheets that science has yet to identify. But when it comes to comics, I can be a bit OCD at times. Few things prick my nutsack more than loose ends, incoherent plots, and poorly resolved stories. The way I see it, if you're going to tell a story you might as well do your best to cover all your basis. I don't expect every writer to make every aspect of a story perfect. My standards for comics aren't quite as high for my standards for weed. However, I like to sense that the writers and the editors that sign their paychecks make a concerted effort.

For the most part, I haven't had to worry about Kieron Gillen leaving too many gaping holes in his stories. He's usually pretty damn good about making his stories more refined. They're like the Dom Perignon of comics minus the douche-bag connotations. There's an inherent quality to his books that make it worth the $3.99 price that so many fanboys bitch about. The Tabula Rasa arc has been no exception. Gillen has crafted a very unique and very compelling arc thus far with this world that spun right out of the pages of Uncanny X-Force. He's built his story around an entirely new world and taken the time to flesh out entirely new races like the Apex. He even introduced the concept of the unwife, something I'm sure Larry King already coined in his head. The battle between Good Apex and Bad Apex led to a struggle that involved Celestial energy and the potential for mass extinction in this picturesque pocket world. It all promises to come together in this final issue. Does it meet Gillen's refine standards? Well if you already knew, you wouldn't need my drunken ass on this blog now would you?

This issue picks up right after the previous issue in one of the smoother transitions you'll see in a comic book. Good Apex and the X-men were able to defeat Bad Apex, or so it seemed. However, they have another nasty problem to deal with. Apparently, being stuck in a time loop for millions of years kind of fucked up the biology in this world. So when time finally became unfucked, it started fucking up said biology. Good Apex and Cyclops surmise that every living thing on this world is about to die of cancer. In terms of going extinct, it's a damn shitty way to go. It's like fighter pilot choking to death on bird shit. It's an inglorious way to go.

This shit storm with the Apex has now taken up a full issue and a few pages extra. So you would be completely forgiven if you forgot that there was another plot with Namor and Hope still unfolding in the waters of Tabula Rasa. That or you have the same weed dealer as I do, in which case you're lucky to remember your left ass cheek from your thumb. But yes, there was a story that unfolded over an issue ago. Hope and Namor took to the seas of Tabula Rasa in search of trapped civilians and answers. What they ended up finding was an undersea kingdom that Namor wasn't king over. So it's understandable that he would be a little pissed off, but while Namor's ego is bigger than the Andromeda galaxy he is capable of being diplomatic. He and Hope eventually encounter the queen of Tabula Rasa's undersea world. She looks like the Little Mermaid fucked Predator and has a body covered in miniature boobs. It's disgusting in some ways, yet oddly arousing in others. What? You never jerked off to a couple of cockroaches fucking? Namor gets it. He puts on his kingly charm and decides to negotiate with the queen (probably with his penis). This leaves Hope behind with the guards, her teenage hormones leaving her more confused than ever.

In addition to the plot with Hope and Namor, there was another side story going on with Colossus and Magik. It was about as developed as a ten-year-old's understanding of quantum physics, but it involved Illyana getting captured by some of Tabula Rasa's friendly animals. It's kind of like Rule 34. If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions. Well this is like Rule 35. If a cute blonde is in a comic, she will become the target of horrific monsters. No exception. Colossus doesn't take kindly to this rule so he decides to attack. The potential for blood and carnage here is great...except it doesn't happen. That's right. It happens off panel. This wonderful backdrop that could have had Colossus crushing Tabula Rasa's pets is completely left to the readers' imagination. Really? Marvel, maybe you didn't know, but we fans pay you to imagine this shit for us and bring it to life! We use our imagination enough as it is and masturbate to 90 percent of it. Please don't insult our intelligence and our pocketbooks.

Speaking of masturbation fantasies, the plot with Hope and Namor is resolved as quickly and unceremoniously as the battle with Colossus and Tabula Rasa's friendly pack of animals. Once again, we're left with no details. We just find out that Namor found a way to bang some undersea queen that looks like a bug that got into Barry Bonds's medicine cabinet. Is it disturbing? Well, it's not the most deranged sex scene in the history of comics. Not by a long shot (Superman and Big Barda take that title). But it is fucked up and it has the added effect of solving absolutely nothing. So it creates a partnership with Atlantis. That's all well and good, but what the fuck does it have to do with the story surrounding Tabula Rasa and the Apex? I'll give you a hint. It has the same value as Michelle Bauchman's credibility on gay rights. Absolutely zilch.

The story with Colossus and Illyana doesn't end much better. Colossus is done crushing all the creatures that were probably going to lay their eggs in Illyana's brain. In doing so he starts transforming into a monster himself. If WTFs are starting to spew out of your mouth and anus, don't worry. That just shows you're normal (but you should probably still see a proctologist). Illyana says that's just Cytorakk fucking with him. I say that's a fucked up, poorly constructed plot that could have easily been replaced by a page of Colossus beating the shit out of monsters. I get that Colossus was struggling with his new power earlier. What I don't get is why the story has to pan out like this.

This is a pretty jarring and disappointing way to handle these plots. I criticized Gillen for not addressing these side-stories he developed in the last issue. This issue seems to indicate that those stories were completely meaningless. They contributed absolutely nothing to the battle against Bad Apex. They contributed nothing to the conflict unfolding on Tabula Rasa. They contributed nothing to rescuing the civilians. In other words, they were a complete waste of time. I expect that from some comic writers, but not Kieron Gillen. Uncanny has made every drop of ink count to this point and these two plots do nothing except make me wish my car ran on WTF rather than imported gasoline from the Middle East.

By the time shit finally does get back to the Apex story, the WTF fades and boredom sets in. Off panel, the X-men and Good Apex meet up with the civilians that Good Apex gathered a couple issues ago. They're all understandably pissed off. But for once, this plot actually does tie into some of the larger elements surrounding this story. Tabula Rasa didn't just poof out of thin air. It was built by Arcangel over the ruins of a simple Montana town that he blew up with an atomic bomb. Some of these civilians were looking for family or survivors. Well, Psylocke (who was part of the whole Dark Angel shit that the rest of the team doesn't know about) tells them they got trapped in this crazy world for nothing. Those people are dead and Tabula Rasa is still being cooked by the sun. There's no sign of Bad Apex, but Good Apex still has a desire to protect his world. The creatures that Bad Apex harassed earlier want to do so as well. So what are they going to do?

Cue a shitty scene transition where all the action happens off panel. With no more battles against Bad Apex or any battles of any kind, shit just works itself out. The X-men somehow convince SHIELD and SWORD to construct a massive dome over Tabula Rasa and do it quick enough to prevent the world from being cancer-stricken by the sun. It's as practical as it is inane. I get that the Marvel universe is a place where traditional rules and regulations don't apply, but considering we can't drill for oil in uninhabited wastelands in Alaska because it might upset some Caribou and you can't erect a giant dick in your backyard without violating some fucked up zoning regulations I find it insanely fucked that a dome like this can be constructed. Even in a comic book, the mere fact that this shit happens without conflict or anything blowing up is a complete farce. It comes off as Gillen just trying to end this story and end it quickly.

While it is pretty lame, it does tie up all the loose ends. Gillen can't be faulted for ignoring every last detail. He also can't be faulted for making the interactions between the characters refined and entertaining. First, we see Hope hitting on Namor one last time. He makes clear that while he'll bone a queen that's not even his genus, he has no interest in entertaining her teenage hormones. He seems to despise redheads almost as much as Emma Frost. Speaking of which, we actually get a chance to catch up with her and see that the arm she lost in the last arc was being re-attached thanks to advanced medical gear on Utopia. So she wasn't completely forgotten. That and Good Apex has a nice little conversation with Cyclops and Storm, which helps really highlight how Good Apex is different from his unwife. He's a unique character with some unique perspectives and the way Gillen writes him should leave some hopeful that he shows up again in future stories.

Another nice character moment involves Psylocke and Magneto. One of the other minor details that Gillen didn't overlook was that in an earlier issue, there were traces of X-Force's handiwork on Tabula Rasa. Traces that would have raised a few eyebrows if Cyclops had seen it. Seeing as how disbanded X-Force and Wolverine kept it going, that would be more awkward than walking in on your sister when she's shaving her snatch. But Magneto revealed that he destroyed those traces. He's among the few who uncovered X-Force's existence before Schism, but he's kept it a secret much to Psylocke's chagrin. It makes for a rather telling moment where they talk about what side they're on and what they owe each other. It's more tense than a picnic in the West Bank and helps remind the readers that conflicts in other books still affect Uncanny in a way that is not to be ignored.

Kieron Gillen came into Uncanny X-men when the standards were mediocre at best and questionable at worst. Matt Fraction's inconsistency left room for improvement and I'll bet all the weed in Amsterdam that Kieron Gillen effectively raised the bar for those standards. I praise him not because I think British guys are more creative and faking their accents is a great pussy magnet. He earns every bit of praise I give him with his writing. So it's with a heavy heart and a shitty liver I say I'm a bit disappointed with him here.

The Tabula Rasa arc has been very well done to this point. The premise was perfect. It took the events of the Dark Angel Saga, left room for conflict that X-Force hadn't resolved, and put the Extinction team in the line of fire. The past few issues have done a great job of setting up the challenges. You have things like an Iron Man ripoff that uses the Old Testament as inspiration for how a god should act and Cyclops being swallowed up and pooped out by an island. Gillen went into great detail describing who the Apex were and what they were and what they were up against. It led to some amazing action, especially in the previous issue that involved such creative acts as Danger becoming Good Apex's unofficial Boba Fett costume. That action promised to culminate in this issue, but it didn't.

I'll concede that most of the loose ends were tied up. The side-plots that were ignored in the previous issues were addressed here. The threat posed by Tabula Rasa and the missing people who stumbled ass backwards into this Jurassic Park wannabe were saved. Even the inconvenient truth about this world being built over the ashes of a town that was wiped out by a nuclear blast was addressed. The problem was how poorly it all fit together. The conflicts with Hope and Namor as well as the little excursion with Magik and Colossus had pretty much no bearing whatsoever on what was going on with Apex. They might as well have gone off to smoke weed and jerk off to imported Russian porn. It would not have changed the outcome of the Tabula Rasa conflict one bit and probably would have been more entertaining. Even if it did involve some kinky inter-species sex with Namor and the queen, what did it really do for the story other than give mentally damaged perverts something else to masturbate to? For some writers, this may fly. For Kieron Gillen and the standards he set with his first arc, it's a turd on top of a stack of expensive caviar.

This issue wasn't bad. There were some nice interactions, Namor's inter-species boning notwithstanding. The moment with Magneto and Psylocke was especially well done. Tabula Rasa has the potential to be the new Savage Land for the Marvel universe. However, this conflict that Gillen did such a good job of setting up didn't even end with a whimper. It ended with a wet fart. There were no connections and the action was limited to inter-species porn and Colossus crushing oversized cockroaches. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make for a very compelling entry into Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men legacy. So in an act that's going to require an extra shot of tequila, I give Uncanny X-men #8 a 2.5 out of 5. I can't give it too low a score because Gillen did tie up most if not all the loose ends. He just didn't do it with his usual flare. He still has my full confidence. But comics this discombobulated will turn fans off faster than an economics lecture. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #7 - Evolutionary Conflicts (of Awesome)

The most I know about evolutionary biology and anthropology extends to how it explains my liver function and how I an use this knowledge to process more booze. It hasn't helped me win any additional beer pong matches that I wouldn't have already won or helped me avoid taking a shit in the kitchen sink, but at times it has helped me understand certain elements of the X-men comics. You don't need to be Richard Dawkins to appreciate the role evolution plays with the X-men. You can be a middle school dropout and still understand that if you give nature enough time, it's going to evolve some pretty awesome shit. So when you create a little pocket of land where evolution has millions of years and unlimited energy akin to Game Genie cheat codes, it's going to cause the kind of shit that only Cyclops's Extinction team is equipped to deal with.

This is the essence of Tabula Rasa, the pocket world created in the Dark Angel Saga where Arcangel got the spirit of Charles Darwin shit faced and had him go crazy on a world where God's image just doesn't apply. When the Dark Angel Saga ended, Tabula Rasa remained and that fancy time bubble that allowed millions of years to pass in the same time frame as a Seinfeld rerun collapsed. This led all that fancy life to go ape-shit and abduct some overly curious humans, which prompted the Extinction Team to explore this area that's within God's blind spot and uncover it's secrets.

The previous issue spent a good deal of time uncovering those secrets while not showing much action. This was okay to a point because it explained the source of that Iron Man wannabe that showed up a few issues ago and introduced the Apex, the advanced race of intelligent humanoid creatures that look like the Predator if it were shaved and neutered. Most died when the time bubble collapsed and one of the remaining Apex met up with the X-men to explain what they're up against. Apparently, the other remaining survivor had too much free time and when he/she/it found out that the entire Apex civilization was gone, he/she/it (I'll just say he because I don't see any breasts) responded in the healthiest way possible...by creating a massive suit of death fueled by Celestial energy. I guess they didn't evolve some form of booze on Tabula Rasa.

Uncanny X-men #7 picks up after the X-men have had time to process this threat and formulate a plan that doesn't involve shitting their pants. It doesn't help that their friend, who humbly calls himself Good Apex, is such a douche-bag. He probably would have called himself Longrod Von Ironcock (assuming he has something akin to a penis) if possible. But he settles for something basic because he doesn't think non-Apex creatures can appreciate his race. So I guess evolution doesn't have a mechanism for keeping sentient life from becoming douche-bags. At least this so called Good Apex leads them to a mountain where Celestial energy is in the process of being released by his Bad Apex counterpart. Only Storm, Cyclops, Magneto, and Psylocke are on the front line. Hope, Namor, Colossus, and Illyana are busy and we don't hear from them in the entire comic. For a series that's usually pretty balanced, that's not a good sign.

You know what also isn't a good sign? More talking after the last issue was full of extended explanations about Tabula Rasa, the creatures in it, and how sentient beings that have the skin texture of elephant shit became the dominant species in this mini-world. To be fair, Kieron Gillen does link up some of the details in the previous issue with this issue. In the last issue, Good Apex explained how his people set up shop in a temple fueled by Celestial energy to keep them in a deep sleep that turned into just your typical death sleep. In this issue the X-men visit said temple and find out that Bad Apex didn't just set up shop in the unofficial tomb of the Apex, he set up shop in a monument containing all the accomplishments of his civilization. So it's part museum and part crypt. It's fitting yet still a little bit creepy.

As they journey through this creepy temple, there's more talking about the Apex and no real action. It's just walking and talking. Basically Lord of the Rings without the big ass battle scenes. However, it does help Kieron Gillen's dialog is smooth and easy to follow. It makes the excessive talking that much more bearable, but eventually they do reach their destination. The X-men and Good Apex find Bad Apex in the middle of what must be his 18th nervous breakdown. He's standing in a bed of busted up butterflies/robots/shit that doesn't have a word for it yet. It essentially is a metaphor for how fucked his world is and much it pisses him off. In this lament he calls Good Apex "unwife." Now I'm not sure what this term entails, but I'm pretty sure it would make for awesome fetish porn and/or a kick-ass episode of Jerry Springer.

Zoophiliac feelings aside, Bad Apex proves he's true to his title when he uses his Iron Man-eqsue suit to attack the X-men. So we finally get some action, but it isn't much. Bad Apex just fires a missile that blows up and makes everyone wish they were born without a head for a brief moment. It's not unlike waking up the next morning after six bottles of tequila. It's not too fair a fight from the onset. Magneto, usually adept at diverting missiles with his powers, wasn't too effective because Bad Apex apparently had a few spare million years to perfect technology that overcame simple magnetism. It's a little cheap, but that's the power of evolution I guess.

At this point when we finally get some action, the impact really isn't all that great. There was a lot of talking in this and the last issue that set up this confrontation, yet not much happened as a result. The lack of involvement from Hope, Namor, Illyana, or Colossus doesn't help either. We don't know what's going on or if they're aware of any of the shit that's taking Celestial energy and using it as toilet paper. Usually, Gillen is able to make his work pretty coherent when balancing multiple plots and characters. This is the first time where his story is getting narrow. It's not too egregious, but given the high standards that he himself set it is pretty disappointing.

The battle isn't too basic though. Despite the apparent ease with which Bad Apex took down the X-men, Psylocke mixes it up a bit by doing some ninja-style sneak attacks. It always helps that she's wearing a skin-tight uniform that shows off her ass while she's jamming a katana into an robot/disturbed sentient creature. Bad Apex still manages to shake the attack off as well as a follow-up shot from Cyclops. He boasts along the way as you would expect anyone who enjoys fucking with superheroes. So even with millions of years of evolution, making stupid quips and sounding like a pompous ass can't be naturally selected out of existence. It gives me little hope for the future of the human race.

Whereas the X-men are attempting and failing with the direct approach, Good Apex is trying something a little more subtle. He sneaks past his unwife (seriously, Gillen should copyright that shit) and tries to get to the Celestial energy that's fueling this shit. At this point Danger actually shows that she's not only sexy in a way that only Japanese fetish porn can articulate, she's useful because she creates a space suit for Good Apex to brave the danger. Despite being an arrogant creature, Good Apex is impressed and maybe a little turned on. I can't tell if these creatures get boners. But whatever the case, he tries to find the Celestial off switch. Bad Apex, having had enough fun roughing up the X-men, goes after him and attacks. I'm not sure if this counts as domestic or spousal abuse, but it has explosions so it's no worse than my uncle's third marriage.

The action definitely ramps up here because it has more of an emotional element. Good Apex clearly cares about Bad Apex and is trying to stop him from making a mistake that only a brain-damaged, tramatized being with a god-machine would make. He manages to vent a good deal of the Celestial energy. As expected, Bad Apex doesn't appreciate this and lashes out in a way that can only be compared to the way my ex-girlfriend used to attack me when I sold her jewelry for blow. Bad Apex probably would have become the Apex equivalent of OJ Simpson, but then Storm rejoined the battle and threw some lightning into the mix. That tends to help quell deranged ex-spouses (to a point).

In addition to the lightning, Storm rightfully criticizes in a rather colorful way that Bad Apex was shitting on the legacy of his entire civilization. This doesn't seem to bother Bad Apex, but since Good Apex drained all the Celestial energy he can't exactly continue with his policy of burning an entire world to a crisp. So after shaking off Storm's little lecture, Bad Apex and his pet robot disappears to regroup. It's not a typical bad-guy-getting-away type scenario. It's more a bad-guy-calling-timeout-so-he-can-find-another-way-to-fuck-with-them type scenario. It's the kind of ending that doesn't make for much closure. It actually makes the overall arc feel like it's dragging now. All we know is that Bad Apex is going to try something equally or more fucked up that will probably turn Tabula Rasa into a pile of dog shit. I want to get excited about it, but I'm just not feeling aroused by dog shit anymore.

After the previous issue, I was working under the assumption that the plots that were set up would be appropriately developed and/or blown up in this issue. There were a few explosions. There was some fighting as well. But for the most part, it was just more talking and more setup like the last issue. Like I said in my review of Uncanny X-men #6, I don't mind it when Kieron Gillen flexes his literary muscle. It's like a guy with a big dick or a woman with big tits. If you've got it, flaunt it. But like big dicks and big tits, flaunting can be distracting and in this issue there just wasn't enough substance to go along with the flaunting. It was like a rum and coke without the rum.

That's not to say there wasn't some good development here. Not only did we get some insight into the whole unwife concept for the Apex, but we also developed a new understanding for what Bad Apex is doing. This is a creature that woke up, found out that the entire Apex civilization had gone to shit, and there was nothing that could be done to save it. So Bad Apex is doing what is akin to giving Iran an H-bomb in the Marvel Universe, using Celestial energy to assemble the kind of tools of destruction that makes God wish he hadn't rested on the seventh day because it makes him look lazy. The problem is it's just not coupled with enough emotion. We know Bad Apex is pissed and Good Apex is trying to stop this overblown hissy fit. There's just not enough substance to make the reader really give a damn about where Bad Apex is coming from or enough action to make the reader overlook it.

Not a whole lot was built up here, but Kieron Gillen did succeed in moving the story forward. He's very descriptive on what the threat to Tabula Rasa is and goes out of his way to develop the Apex, but doesn't really do much for the X-men. It's still good, but it feels like too much is missing and too much ink was wasted. Now Kieron Gillen has earned a lot of leeway with the quality of his work in Uncanny X-men so I can't dock him too much for his work in this issue. But I can't give this issue the praise I want. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #7 a 3 out of 5. Two issues have been spent building up this Tabula Rasa story. That's about half an issue too long. With all this setup, I'm hoping that the next issue will make me shit out my brains and barf up my colon. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Let's Talk About Awesome

There are people out there that think comics aren't a legitimate form of literary art. If ever you cross paths with these people, I encourage you to push them down a flight of stairs and then step on their nuts on the way down. Just because comics don't contain pages upon pages of words arranged into jumbled boxes of text doesn't mean there isn't real literary gold involved. Hell, comics have more shit going for it because it doesn't just use boxes of text. It uses actual pictures so that writers don't have to spend two pages describing the underwear that some overly proper bimbo is wearing while she's swooning over a guy with eight-pack abs and ten-inch dick. I'd much rather see a picture of beautiful women in spandex costumes than try to decipher shitty writing.

That said, all the pretty art and breast depictions in the world can't save a shitty comic from being shitty. Yes, even boobs have their limit. Great comics also have great writing. Great writing requires great writers. I know that sounds obvious, but great writers for comics are harder to come by than a sober co-ed at a frat house party. Kieron Gillen has become one of those rare finds for Marvel. While previous writers could tell a story, Kieron Gillen has shown genuine talent at bringing those stories to life with his words. He's shown it in both Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men. The epic battles and shit that blows up is just bonus. Plus, he even has a slick British accent that can soak the panties of any woman that fantasizes about James Bond. So there's that too. Uncanny X-men has benefited from his talent since he took over. It's benefited even more since he took the events of Uncanny X-Force and mixed them with that of Uncanny X-men.

This has forged the current Tabula Rasa arc. The X-men's Extinction Team is caught up in the miniature evolutionary petri dish that Arcangel used to essentially TIVO hundreds of millions of years of evolution. In the last issue they ventured inside to rescue some people who were stupid enough to take a hike in this world. They ended up finding not only an exotic world, but an exotic race of creatures that worshiped Arcangel as a god. Now that the TIVO isn't fast forwarding anymore, they're a little fucked up. And as it turns out, there were competing gods within this tiny realm. It's not unlike modern day Israel and Palestine. Except the god the X-men have to deal with here is big ass suit of metal with some big ass guns. Oh yeah, and it's the kind of metal that Magneto can't crush so he and Psylocke (who is subbing for the one-armed Emma Frost) have to avoid playing martyr. One of the innocent little creatures isn't so lucky. While this is going on, Gillen is actually narrating from this creature's perspective. It's not as compelling as the Phalanx bit he did a few issues ago, but it's a nice change.

Psylocke tries to call on Cyclops for backup, but unfortunately he was swallowed and pooped out by Tabula Rasa in the last issue so while he's not dead he probably wish he was. It also means he's in no condition to assist her and Magneto. Tabula Rasa is about as welcoming to strangers as a Victoria's Secret in Saudi Arabia because the rest of the team is quickly occupied. Colossus and Illyana have to play extras in a Jurassic Park remake while Hope and Namor have to play extras in an Abyss remake. It's remakes abound, even if there isn't much depth to it. Given that Colossus and Illyana weren't distracted at the end of the last issue, it's a little contrived for them to get attacked just as Psylocke and Magneto are facing down an Iron Man knock-off who I'm guessing has a very small penis. Yet Storm and Danger aren't occupied so they are able to come to their aid, so it's not as convenient as it could have been.

But what about Cyclops? What happens to a guy after a world literally poops him out into the middle of nowhere? Well it actually ends up being helpful in the same way getting your dick stuck in a toaster helps you make friends with EMTs. After being partially digested, he's taken to a lair by a creature that looks like it lost one too many fights with Predator. That lair contains the missing people who were stupid enough to venture inside Tabula Rasa in the first place. It almost makes you wish they were the ones pooped out by a world, but it's not about to turn into another shitty Aliens vs. Predator bit. While the creature did capture the overly curious humans, it also protected them and not because it was preparing to eat/mate with them. It's not clear what it really wants until it starts talking...in English. Okay, it's shitty English that only a drunk George W. Bush could muster, but English none-the-less.

Back with Magneto and Psylocke, the battle against the Iron man knock-off continues. It's been a bit lopsided to this point since Magneto can't use his powers to crush this thing like a beer can. But in a move that may or may not be his way of getting into Psylocke's panties, he puts that helmet of his to better use aside from being a shitty fashion statement. In a spectacle that makes Magneto just a little bit more than an old man with too much Viagra in his diet, he turns his helmet into a barrage of shrapnel. It doesn't completely stop the Iron Man rip-off, but it does make the fight seem a little less lopsided. That and I think it did earn him some points with Psylocke because when it tried to blast them again, she pushed him out of the way. In comics, that's the same as saying "Want to go back to my place and see how I got straight As with all my male teachers?"

Magneto's attack forces the Iron Man ripoff to step up it's attack and go in for the kill. This would be more than appropriate if it hadn't wasted so much time, allowing both Danger and Storm to catch up to the battle. To this point Danger has been providing surveillance by turning herself into a satellite. But she also showed that a satellite can also doubt as a giant dick from space capable of badly fucking anyone and anything from sub-orbital space. When she arrives on the scene, the overcompensating robot gets whatever counts as it's asshole plowed and not in a way that makes for awesome gay porn. If that isn't enough to shrivel it's scrotum, Storms hows up as well and throws in several million volts of lightning. So if this thing was really a god to the creatures on this world, then I think it's safe to say they just pulled a Richard Dawkins on it's ass. That'll leave only the alien equivalent of creationists and you know they aren't going to be smart enough to pose a threat.

They've taken down the killer robot/demigod. One of the biggest threats in this world that God was drunk when he created is neutralized for now. It's a great time to reunite and regroup. Unfortunately, the others are still occupied and for reasons that feel more like an "my dog took a shit on my computer and destroyed my homework" type excuse. Apparently while the battle against the robot wannabe god was unfolding, Colossus's battle against the local wildlife went bad and they took Illyana...off panel...with no other details given. Now normally Gillen is really good about moving the plot along in a believable, coherent way. He usually doesn't resort to tricks that keep certain characters out of the way unless it's developed. This shit just seems to come out of nowhere. While it looks awesome when Colossus goes all Juggernaut, it feels like an overly contrived reason to keep him from meeting up with the others.

Normally, I'm willing to overlook one such misstep. Then we revisit the underwater battle with Namor and Hope. Like the battle with Colossus and Illyana, it ended...off panel...with no other details given. Starting to see a pattern? But it's not just those lost details that make this scene feel glossed over. Namor spends two pages essentially explaining to the inexperienced Hope that knows only kicking ass and ripping off Jean Grey that the underwater creatures around them aren't enemies. They think they're under attack because of all the shit that's been going on with Tabula Rasa's timestream getting all fucked up. While kicking their asses is all well and good, it probably would serve them better if they found a way to make them allies.

This tactic is all well and good if not for the long-winded explanation. I get that Gillen is good with words and like a man with a large penis, likes to show it off. But words aren't enough here. Aside from the talking, all Hope and Namor do is swim. They aren't fighting anything. Nothing seems to be stalking them either. It's just swimming and talking. Too much talking. It's a more than a slight shift from the battle against the robot demigod earlier. It's way longer than it needs to be.

It doesn't stop there either. Back with Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, and Danger, they catch up with Cyclops who brings with him some answers in the form of the same creature that abducted him. This creature, who learned English in a way makes you want to slap the clerk at 7-11 who can't figure out which brand of cigarettes you want, explains to the X-men the kind of bullshit they're up against. He didn't capture those people for kicks. He did it to study them and not with anal probing thankfully. Once he was reasonably sure that humans were sentient (although he admits he's not convinced), he explains what happened to his world.

It's another long winded explanation that takes up multiple pages. The creature calls himself Savage and his race is called Apex. Like humans, they considered themselves the top species of Tabula Rasa. Also like humans, they were energy hogs. They were smart enough to understand that at some point a self-contained world like this won't be able to keep it's equivalent of iphones and vibrators working. So they needed an alternative. Savage's friend (aka the guy in the Iron Man suit), decided it was a good idea to build a big ass suit of armor and look for energy outside Tabula Rasa. Savage's idea was to put themselves in stasis until Tabula Rasa's fucked up timeflow stabilized. That's the same as suggesting to someone that they knock themselves out until someone comes up with a viable alternative to fossil fuels. It's taken about as seriously as Ryan Secrest. While Savage went with his stasis idea, his buddy built the suit. Essentially, it boiled down to people not being able to come together to find a solution to an energy crisis. If these guys can't do it with Celestial technology, what hope is there for humanity? Fuck, I need some weed.

The long winded explanation continues. When Savage emerged, he found out that the Apex eventually caved to his idea and made a stasis field to wait out the coming temporal ass raping. It ended up failing. Tabula Rasa simply used them to feed the many other creatures. So when Savage's buddy returned after being stuck in temporal stasis as well, he was understandably pissed to find that his whole civilization was fucked. Naturally, he wants it back and doesn't care if he fucks the entire world when he does it. It's a lot of talking and not much else, but it does explain what they're up against and it shows that a giant robot demigod isn't just compensating for a small penis. It wants to rebuild it's civilization and is okay with blowing shit up in the process. It's understandable and shouldn't take several pages to explain.

I like Kieron Gillen's writing. I really do. He actually puts some effort into his words when he writes. That goes a long way with comics and for much of his run, it's been one of his strengths. However, in this issue he overdid it. There was a lot of talking, but not much was said. Maybe that's just the weed typing this shit for me, but between the narrations from Savage and Namor's little exposition it just seemed like wasted words. It's like driving your car down the driveway just to pick up the fucking mail. It caused the comic to really drag and spent way too much time just explaining shit rather than actually doing it.

Now not all these words were meaningless. They did fill in some of the blanks as to what is going on with Tabula Rasa and what it is the Extinction Team is up against. Savage and his race have their own history and in this issue, we got just a brief taste of how vast that history really is. The problem is it's not as compelling as it could have been. Too much was given all at once. There wasn't enough mystery left behind to be revealed later. Now maybe that's because this arc isn't long enough and Gillen is trying to squeeze too much in, but it simply doesn't work as well usual. Plus, scenes with Namor and Hope seemed glossed over. So did Illyana's disappearance with Colossus. Gillen just told the story. He didn't really show it. Think of it this way. Would you rather have a beautiful woman describe her tits or actually show them to you?

This isn't a bad comic. It has plenty of action as well as a pretty elaborate story that's worth following. It just drags too much in some areas while not expanding in others. While it leaves the issue feeling ab it flat, it doesn't mean the whole arc is brought down. Kieron Gillen has plenty of ways to make the next issue as awesome as it needs to be. Until then, this issue is a textbook case of filler. So for a final score, I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 3.5 out of 5. There's a decent story here and Kieron Gillen is great at telling it. It just hasn't come together yet. Once again, I'll compare it to tits. The hot stripper is still on stage. She hasn't taken her bra off yet and she's been teasing it way longer than any decent stripper should. But you can tell there's something behind that bra worth seeing and you can't help but stare in anticipation. I think I've made my point. Nuff said!