Corporatizing Heroes: All New X-Factor #1

The following is my review of All New X-Factor #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Corporations have gotten a bad rap in recent decades and to be fair, they’ve earned that rap. For many people, they embody the materialistic greed and narcissistic excess that feed the egos of every Gordon Gecko wannabe. But those same people probably will never admit to all the good that corporations have done for them. The same burned out hippies that protest corporate greed often blog about their outrage on computers sold to them by one corporation while wearing clothes sold by another. It’s a very soft kind of hypocrisy. It’s like a vegetarian that likes to wrap their carrot sticks in bacon.

Contrary to popular belief, corporations can actually do a lot of good. Apple, Google, Starbucks, Boeing, and Amazon all help people by providing them things they can’t get on their own. They’re not heroes because they don’t do it for free. Sometimes, corporations want to be seen as heroes. But corporations can never be heroes in the same way a thief can never be honest. That’s not to say corporations can’t provide the basis for heroics. Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are the most well-documented cases of a rich corporate leaders using their wealth and power to serve the greater good. But these are two tales that were forged from the bygone era created by Howard Hughes and Thomas Edison. Now in All New X-Factor #1, a new team of X-men attempts to forge a new tale in the era of Bernie Madoff, Enron, and Goldman Sachs.

It’s a dramatic shift from other recent X-men titles and that’s actually a good thing. At a time when the X-men are divided between Team Cyclops and Team Wolverine, there needs to be a third alternative where characters can take a more novel approach to being X-men. Historically, X-Factor has functioned in its own unique way. It exists in its own little corner of the X-men world, so much so that it has become somewhat detached at times. In that sense All New X-Factor #1 is perfectly positioned to take such a novel approach.

As the first issue of this new era in the annuls of X-Factor, it spends a fair amount of time establishing a new cast of characters for this team. Many of these characters are not D-Listers or complete unknowns either. Gambit, Polaris, and Quicksilver have all had prominent roles with the X-men in the past. However, their roles have been diminished in recent years. Some had their solo series get canceled. Some got kicked off their other teams. And some just went crazy, which is to be expected from time to time in the Marvel universe. This series provides them a new platform to contribute to the X-men.

But in the same way Batman can’t run the Batcave on determination alone, X-Factor can’t be competent heroes without a few resources. This is where their new corporate sponsor comes in and in this new series, it is basically presented as its own character. The corporation that enlists X-Factor is called Serval Industries. It may sound more generic than 95 percent of the companies on the New York Stock Exchange, but they have their hand in weapons manufacturing and internet search. So in a modern context, they probably have more than enough money and resources to provide X-Factor with everything they need, except for maybe a dental plan and inexpensive health care.

There’s still the question of why a corporation would want to support a superhero team. Many corporations go to great lengths to never be mentioned in the news except when it involves their stock price. But Harrison Snow, the CEO of Serval, claims he wants to help X-Factor because they’re in the business of helping people. On some level’s he’s not wrong. Corporations need to help people if they’re to make their money. They’re not like the IRS in that they can just barge into peoples’ houses with guns and demand their money, although some corporations probably wish they had that power. But corporations still have to turn a profit and it’s not clear how supporting X-Factor will help Serval.

Harrison Snow draws some comparisons with Tony Stark, but doesn’t convey the same charisma. He’s certainly no Bill Gates or Steve Jobs either. But he makes the argument that if countries and international organizations can support heroes, then why can’t corporations? They already own some governments so in some ways, Snow is just skipping a step. He never mentions profit and he never mentions business either. Maybe in a different era, he would have been given the benefit of the doubt. But in this era of government bailouts and overpaid CEOs, it’s hard to get a feel for who this character is. And that’s exactly what makes him and this new setup for X-Factor interesting.

While Harrison Snow is a mystery, the new cast of X-Factor is both familiar and satisfying. Gambit, Polaris, and Quicksilver say outright in some areas that they don’t fit in with the other X-men anymore. They need to find their own place and X-Factor is giving them a chance to do just that. They even have a new threat to deal with in AIM. It’s a threat that’s as generic as the name of the company that supports them, but maybe that’s the point. Like NASCAR drivers with company logos painted on their racers, they know where they stand and what they’re getting into.

At its core, All New X-Factor #1 sets up a new business plan for X-Factor. It’s like a company that is being restructured in order to enter a new industry. Apple did it when they entered the cell phone business. Now X-Factor is doing it with Serval. It brings together several characters that are in need of a new outlet for being X-men while not getting too bogged down in emotional baggage. As a business model, it remains to be seen whether it will be profitable in a literal or figurative manner. But it succeeds in presenting a novel approach into a series that has already distinguished itself in that field. X-Factor is still a long ways from being the next iPhone, but it’s off to a good start.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-Factor #1

When it comes to consistency in X-men comics, Peter David is like Brett Favre, minus the sexting scandal. There have been a lot of shake-ups and fuck-ups over the past decade with X-men. Hell, I've covered a good deal of them. But Peter David has always been quietly going about his business, churning out consistent awesome with X-Factor. I know I've never reviewed one of his comics on this blog. I just can't get drunk enough to go on a sufficiently insightful rant, but I don't deny for a second that X-Factor is a consistently awesome supplement to the X-men library. It was also the last series to be ended and effectively relaunched. Peter David is still the writer, but now he gets to slap a brand spanking new #1 on X-Factor. That should give any experienced X-men fan a nice boner so I’ll be keeping my pants nice and loose for this review.

As with every new relaunch, there must be something or someone who needs to have their ass kicked. X-Factor is like any other X-men team. They take on that special breed of asshole that jerks off to the sight of suffering mutants. So it makes sense that on the first page of this first issue of this relaunched series, we’re introduced to just such an asshole. He’s basically a mix of Dexter and clichéd Weapon X guy. He and a buddy are experimenting on an innocent, albeit unknown, mutant who would rather be locked in a room with polar bear on crystal meth. But it’s not enough that they’re tormenting a mutant. They’re doing it with the kind of casual attitude that I usually reserve for ordering Taco Bell after midnight. These are basically the kind of guys that deserved to be horribly maimed by the X-men so why not let a new team take a crack at them?

That team still doesn’t exist though. The X-Factor that Jamie Madrox has been running for years is officially closed for business. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few X-men who are too busy to pick up where Multiple left off. And some X-men have more free time than others. Hell, some haven’t been doing jack shit in the other books while others have had their solo series get canceled. It’s one of the drawbacks of having a team as big as the X-men. There are only so many comics with which to cover these characters and the audience has an attention span only as long as the last Duck Dynasty scandal. It presents a special challenge for X-Factor, but it actually does have some notable names to work with.

Gambit is one of those characters that seems to soak the panties of a certain segment of fans, but he has never been able to function on a major title consistently. When he’s not trying to bang Rogue, he’s basically an afterthought. And it turns out that when he has no Rogue to bang, he reverts back to some of his old habits, like breaking into some rich guy’s house and stealing a mystical artifact that could open the gates of Hell itself. Since there are already several of those in the Marvel universe, Wolverine catches up with Gambit and informs him that he needs to find a better hobby. He’s supposed to be a teacher at the Jean Grey Institute, but all he has been teaching lately is how to ditch class. And trust me, most teenagers don’t need a class to learn that shit. Wolverine does come off as a bit of an asshole for barging in, ruining Gambit’s score, and chewing him out for not doing his job, but he’s not wrong. Gambit has been MIA from every major X-men event lately and he’s not keeping himself busy in a very healthy way.

This provides some nice insight into Gambit. For anyone who hasn’t been keeping up with the shit that has happened to him lately, and that ain’t much, this offers a perfect recap of sorts to help readers understand where he’s coming from. There’s some hints about what he did in his solo series and a mention of the Thieve’s Guild, which is a big part of his history. It’s not telling die-hard Gambit fans anything they don’t already know and jerk off to, but it does provide a base for his character.

And at the moment, that character isn’t really sure what to do with himself. Teaching at the Jean Grey Institute just isn’t doing it for him anymore. He’s a lifelong thief. Asking him to settle down and be content with teachings snot-nosed teenagers is like asking a crack head to invest their savings wisely. So Gambit does what I often do and drowns his sorrows in a bar, but not before doing a little property damage. Usually it’s the other way around for me, but I don’t see why both approaches couldn’t work. He only seems to be partially drunk as he probably fantasizes about pouring acid down Wolverine’s throat for talking down to him like a child, but then Polaris shows up and gives him a better reason to get drunk. She has a new opportunity for him and it doesn’t involve listening to teenagers bitch and moan about homework.

Now Polaris is another one of those characters who hasn’t been a major player, but she did play a large part in the latter issues of X-Factor. She kind of went a bit insane and broke up with Havok. Then again, I think every character in the Marvel universe deserves to go insane at some point. She now seems to have her shit together again. However, there isn’t much of an explanation of how she suddenly became sane again. Her recent history isn’t as detailed as Gambit’s, but she is the one who apparently is setting up this new team so I’m willing to overlook that. Plus, she looks fucking hot in that new uniform. That always is a bonus in my book.

She invites Gambit to join her at a coffee shop, probably because she understands that few successful partnerships that don’t involve one night stands and broken jaw bones ever begin in a bar. She then listens to him bitch about how Wolverine wants him to be an upstanding, boring ass teacher who never steals anything. Polaris looks like she just found pictures of Channing Tatum’s abs because she wastes no time in inviting Gambit to take a trip with her. They even get to fly on a fancy private jet. Sure, that jet gets shot at by a missile. But in the Marvel universe, if someone isn’t trying to shoot them out of the sky, then someone isn’t being heroic enough.

Along the way, Polaris explains that the jet actually belongs to a company called Serval Industries. They’re basically a typical faceless entity that has their hands in weapons manufacturing and internet search. They’re basically a cross between Google and Stark Industries. Now they’ve also decided to get into the superhero business. Sure, that means some people will want to shoot at them with rockets, but that’s probably no less hazardous than being probed by the FTC.

They arrive at their headquarters in Virginia where they have a base of operations that Google would probably be proud of. It looks like a fairly typical business, so much so that Gambit takes a chance to do some pick-pocketing. Like I said, he’s a thief at heart and he’s not going to stop so long as there’s no naked Rogue to keep him occupied. But in terms of a base of operations, this is the kind of facility that’s equipped in a way second only to the Playboy Mansion. There’s still the matter of why the fuck a successful company would want to have its own team of superheroes. I imagine those resources are probably better spent on lobbyists, but I guess this would fall under the category of thinking outside the box. It worked for Apple. Why not these guys?

They then meet Harrison Snow, the President and CEO of Serval Industries. He’s no Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. Hell, he looks more like a Tony Stark wannabe, which he freely admits is the public perception. But he seems dead serious about setting up this new team. He even went through the trouble of buying the rights to X-Factor from Multiple. I mean when is the last time any hero got paid for their superhero team that didn’t involve merchandising? He still comes off as someone who is about as honest as a tobacco lobbyist, but he does make a few semi-logical arguments. Countries and transnational organizations have superheroes. So why not rich corporations? Sure, they already run countries, but why not skip a step? He claims his company is in the business of helping others and X-Factor will just help that purpose. He makes it sound so noble, but it’s hard to take him seriously when he’s wearing a suit that probably cost more than my last five paychecks.

Whether Harrison Snow is being noble or not, he still believes that X-Factor will serve his company. He has even started expanding his team, enlisting Quicksilver while Polaris was out recruiting Gambit. He’s yet another character that has been MIA from major X-men stories for a while. But he also has a history of being a villain, an Avenger, and an overall douche-bag. I suppose every superhero team needs someone like that. Just look at Wolverine. There’s still the matter of Polaris trying to kill Quicksilver the last time they met, but he seems willing to chalk that up to booze, bad weather, and bad moods. If only my parole officer was so forgiving. Quicksilver does try to explain himself and like Polaris, it’s not a very detailed explanation. But it at least makes clear that he’s not a total asshat and is trying to be a hero again. Since the Avengers are overcrowded and the X-men aren’t about to overlook his bullshit, he might as well take a chance with X-Factor.

It seems like there’s a lot of boring chit chat going into setting up this new team. Most of this issue consists of characters talking about how dissatisfied they are with their current situation in the Marvel universe and are in need of an upgrade. It may not be as exciting as watching Wolverine decapitate Apocalypse, but it establishes a few layers of detail with the story that set the foundation for what this new era in X-Factor will be. One of X-Factor’s greatest strengths historically is that attention to detail and while it may not be as thrilling as a roller coaster, it makes the story more engaging.

And with an engaging story, the action is even more satisfying when it finally happens. After the awkwardness between Polaris and Quicksilver settles, they set out on their first mission. It’s pretty standard. They have to hunt down an exceedingly unethical biologist named Dr. Terrance Hoffman, who may or may not be spooning AIM. They find his facility, they start blowing his shit up, and they do it in a way that’s very satisfying. It’s a little rushed, but the details that led up to it are what make it fun.

As for Dr. Hoffman himself, he’s still as casual about tormenting mutants as I am about tormenting bags of potato chips after several bong hits. He’s about ready to operate on an innocent mutant without anesthesia and he’s about to do it with a goddamn smile on his face. Then when he’s told that they’re under attack by mutants, he doesn’t look all that threatened. Hell, he looks like a kid whose parents just told him there’s a freshly baked cake in his bedroom. He’s just begging to be this new X-Factor’s first success. He’ll probably help boost Serval Industries’s stock in the process. I usually don’t like when corporations exploit heroes to turn a profit, but in some cases I’m more than happy to make an exception.

This comic has many messages and themes. The most prominent of all is basically, “The hippies were full of shit.” There’s no question that we live in a world of corporations act like dicks and make it their mission to shove said dicks into the asses of its customers and the mouths of the politicians that assist them. But like it or not, corporations are capable of doing good. Do we not owe greedy corporations some credit for creating the computers that so many people rely on to binge watch Netflix or download unlimited amounts of porn? Well in All New X-Factor #1, a corporation has decided to dip their hands in the superhero business. Serval Industries may look like a Google wannabe, but it has effectively set up a new X-Factor. And while I’m as inclined to trust a rich CEO as much as I’m inclined to trust the IRS, Serval has created a unique and interesting new setting for X-Factor. While this issue did drag in a few parts, it was nicely detailed and almost as engaging as a living blow-job machine. I give All New X-Factor #1 an 8 out of 10. I’m still not sure if I would invest in Seval Industries if I was an overpaid Hedge Fund manager. But if corporations are going to be dicks, they might as well squeeze in a few heroics. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #7 - Robot Apocalyptic Awesome

We all have fond memories of our homes or where we come from, but later on in life they're never as awesome as we recall. For instance, there was this one amazing bar less than five blocks from where I grew up. It was a shitty, hole-in-the-wall type bar that looked like a motel where only crack heads would sleep if they couldn't blow enough guys for rent money. But the booze was always fresh, the women were always friendly (after a few drinks), and they didn't play any shitty country music. Years later, that bar became a fucking Starbucks and the only thing that bar reminds me of now is how much I hate hipsters.

I imagine Kid Nightcrawler understands where I'm coming from. In the previous issue of Xtreme X-men, he ditched Dazzler and Wolverine when he saw what he thought were his parents from his world. So while Dazzler and Wolverine had to leave Xavier-in-a-Jar behind with hungry dinosaurs to go after him, Kid Nightcrawler ventured into his world in hopes of finding his parents. Unfortunately, he found out that his world had since gone the ways of the Terminator movies. Machines, tired of being used as databases for cat photos and porn, rose up and wiped out most of humanity. So when Kid Nightcrawler showed up, he was most definitely saddened and that was before they threw his ass in a jail cell. It makes me wonder if this universe had its own version of Cyberdyne or a very evil Steve Jobs.

But beyond the childhood trauma, Xtreme X-men has been throwing in a few more bonus features. When it started out, the team was a bit larger in that it had an alternate Emma Frost on the team. She since decided to stick around in a world where the X-men were Asgardian gods and now she looks like the smart one because this new world of killer robots make pissed off X-gods seem tame. But in the previous issue, Greg Pak tapped into some classic Xtreme X-men elements when he brought Sage into the mix. She's been MIA in the X-books for nearly a decade, but now she back as an ambassador for SWORD. It's the perfect job for her. She's part computer and if Apple made an irobot, Sage would be first in line to fuck it. For a cast that's been low on numbers lately, it's a great way to give Xtreme a new flavor of awesome.

Xtreme X-men #7 picks up with Kid Nightcrawler's traumatic situation. He's already finding out what it feels like to be a porn star in Charlie Sheen's hotel room, trapped in a cell and unable to use his abilities to free himself. He's stuck with in inhibitor collar to keep him from teleporting and the robots that now run this world are looking at him the same way a kid looks at retarded squirrel. It shows that this universe has a really shitty version of Cyberdyne because Kid Nightcrawler is able to make contact with his parents, who claim they helped build these robots and were able to avoid them. So despite the trauma, he still has some hope. He may just end up slightly worse off than Angus T. Jones from Two and a Half Men.

Lucky for Kid Nightcrawler, the trauma isn't drawn out over the course of 10 seasons, a very public meltdown, and Ashton Kutcher. Dazzler and Wolverine break through and free him from his cell, fighting through a world run by killer robots in the process. While Kid Nightcrawler is intent on finding his parents, Dazzler and Wolverine are intent on not having their flesh used as robot lubricant. The battle isn't as exciting as you would expect it to be. It's more Terminator 3 and less Terminator 4, unfortunately. It feels a bit rushed despite there being some amazing potential for X-men vs. Killer Robot action. Now some at Marvel may think that shit has been more overdone than deep fried turkey, but some shit just never get old and X-men fighting killer robots is one of them.

While we don't get to see too many X-men vs. killer robot battles, we do get to see Sage enter the picture once more and rescue Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler. She was the big wild card in the previous issue that overjoyed the many fans that were wondering, "What the fuck happened to Sage and how much longer will we have to wait to see her in skin tight outfits again?!" Well the wait ended in the last issue and in this issue, their paths finally cross. It's not as emotional a reunion as one might hope, but I guess you can only squeeze in so much melodrama when there are killer robots attacking. Again, the action scenes here are pretty underwhelming and the dialog is pretty light. We don't even get any thought bubbles to indicate what Alison was thinking. We can only assume it's something like, "Where the fuck has she been and where can I get a pair of those awesome glasses!"

This has been somewhat of an issue since Xtreme X-men began, but it was never too noticeable until now. Greg Pak is great when it comes to setting up a situation and putting all the right elements into the story. It's the added depth that is often missing. That depth was there during the Exhaulted arc in Astonishing X-men and some of it was present in the first few issues, but for the past few issues that depth has been lacking. We don't get much feel for emotions or thoughts in these characters. I get that Pak is trying to have their actions do most of the thinking, but that shit only goes so far even with killer robots.

After a short lived reunion, Sage calmly explains to Dazzler that they're dealing with some rather fragile issues in robot diplomacy. As we learned in the previous issue, Sage is trying to uphold a treaty between the robots and SWORD. This treaty has allowed a whole new generation of robots to build themselves in a world where they don't have to slaughter mutants or cater to perverse Japanese sex fetishes. It seems outrageous for the X-men, who have made a name for themselves destroying giant robots. But Sage makes it clear that robots aren't just for smashing in this universe. They need to be a bit more tactful and that involves cooperating with the robot overlords, which in this universe happens to be a version of Danger. I suppose one of those few multi-universe constants is that whoever has the boobs has the power.

But these robots weren't just content with tormenting Kid Nightcrawler with images of his parents. After he finds out where the robot overlords are holding up, he teleports away from the team just like he did when he first ended up in this place. You would think he had learned his lesson, but then again he is a teenager. If they don't act impulsive, then they're probably overdosing on Ritalin. He avoids more killer robots before he finds what he thinks are his parents. However, he quickly learns they're just holograms. His parents were never there in the first place and those images he saw was just the killer robots fucking with him. It's a sad moment and Pak does a great job of capturing the emotion here. I guess he figures he's overdone the action with X-men gods and old west cliches so the series needs some balance. He's not wrong either because it's a moment that really helps humanize a character that is dead and/or evil in every other X-book.

And it gets even worse, as if robots fucking with Kid Nightcrawler's emotions isn't bad enough. It turns out that Kid Nightcrawler's parents aren't just dead. They were fucking dissected. Or vivisected as Danger put it. I'm not sure what that means. it sounds like a very nasty procedure a guy has done on his urethra. But it turns out that Kid Nightcrawler's parents helped build these robots and they thought it logical to dissect their creators to learn more about them. That and it gave them the opportunity to fuck with him. I'm not sure if that's logic or just a program that requires them to be douche-bags, but it's pretty fucking twisted.

Yet it's twisted in a way that's both awesome and compelling. Greg Pak knows how to torment his characters. He proved that on a regular basis during his Hulk run. This definitely takes it to another level. On some levels, it is shock value on the same level as the Red Skull ripping out the brain of a dead Charles Xavier. But this moment doesn't make you want to run to the toilet and do your best Mary Kate Olson impersonation. You actually feel for Kid Nightcrawler and any comic that can make a drunk like me feel is awesome in its own right.

After laying all this on Kid Nightcrawler, the robots decide they haven't been cruel enough. So they say they aren't going to kill Kid Nightcrawler after already having killed his family and his world. They're going to let him live and let the X-men go so he could live out the rest of his days in torment as punishment for all the disgusting things humans have done to robots. It's so cruel that it's not too surprising that after they leave Kid Nightcrawler hijacks Sage's ship and rains missiles down on his former home city. I guess that's one way to turn trauma into something awesome. It creates a pretty explosive reign of destruction all over a city now run by hippie robots. But since Disney probably won't allow Marvel to get away with that kind of slaughter, we find out all those "innocent" robots had backups and it's not going to hurt them anymore than having your cable go out for a few minutes. It may not hurt them, but it makes for another emotional moment for Kid Nightcrawler that really helps bring the comic full circle.

But all these killer robots and tormenting Kid Nightcrawler hasn't made the mission by the Xavier-in-a-Jar any less pressing. In the previous issue, Dazzler and Wolverine ditched Xavier-in-a-Jar to find Kid Nightcrawler. They left him in a world full of dinosaurs, cave men, and everything else that makes creationists sick to their stomachs. But he didn't just lay around and wait for a T-Rex to shit him out. He apparently met up with some other Marvel alternate reality characters such as Hercules, Dazzler, and what appears to be a black Cyclops. It's pretty random and somewhat distracts from the emotional undertones of the issue. But it promises to make for a rather awkward reunion, especially with Wolverine since we know he's got a thing for Hercules and his demigod caliber ass.

I look at what happened to Kid Nightcrawler in this issue in the same way I look at what fame has done to every child star not named Neil Patrick Harris. They don't just have fucked up childhoods. They have their childhoods desecrated by forces beyond their control, be they killer robots or overbearing parents. Most of the time, the overbearing parents (and the lawyers they hire) impart far more trauma on a child. But in this issue, the robots proved nearly as deadly as any lawyer and Kid Nightcrawler didn't exactly react to it in a mature manner. It was a very emotional moment for a character that just found out his world had been decimated. It's the kind of emotion that Greg Pak hasn't really explored in Xtreme X-men to date, but he really did a great job of capturing here and this is what makes the issue awesome.

While I really like the emotional turn Greg Pak has taken, this arc does seem to veer a bit far off course from the original plot of the previous arcs. The end helped ensure that the readers wouldn't totally forget that the mission remains helping Xavier-in-a-Jar hunt down other evil Xaviers. But the emergence of a new Dazzler and a Hercules and Black Cyclops are a bit random. In addition, not much was explained about how Sage got caught up in this world. Granted, it makes perfect sense that she would be heavily involved in a world where robots rule the world. But there was never an explanation of how she got there and what she's been up to if she is the 616 Sage, which isn't clear.

This lack of clarity and coherence isn't helped by some weak dialog at times. But what this issue lacked in style, it made up for with substance. The emotional journey of Kid Nightcrawler and the heart-wrenching scenes at the end were what made this issue worth reading. It adds a more personal touch to a universe-hopping story with a hot blond and a gay Wolverine. It shows that while Xtreme X-men can be as diverse as ten acid trips, it can still have the same heart that all X-books have. For this reason, I give Xtreme X-men #7 a 3.5 out of 5. Now we have another Dazzler and Gay Wolverine's man crush. I think Mr. Pak knows that there are slash fanfiction writers out there with semi-hard erections just itching to do a story about them! And I'm sure he has every intention of giving them plenty of material to work with. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #7 - Evolutionary Conflicts (of Awesome)

The most I know about evolutionary biology and anthropology extends to how it explains my liver function and how I an use this knowledge to process more booze. It hasn't helped me win any additional beer pong matches that I wouldn't have already won or helped me avoid taking a shit in the kitchen sink, but at times it has helped me understand certain elements of the X-men comics. You don't need to be Richard Dawkins to appreciate the role evolution plays with the X-men. You can be a middle school dropout and still understand that if you give nature enough time, it's going to evolve some pretty awesome shit. So when you create a little pocket of land where evolution has millions of years and unlimited energy akin to Game Genie cheat codes, it's going to cause the kind of shit that only Cyclops's Extinction team is equipped to deal with.

This is the essence of Tabula Rasa, the pocket world created in the Dark Angel Saga where Arcangel got the spirit of Charles Darwin shit faced and had him go crazy on a world where God's image just doesn't apply. When the Dark Angel Saga ended, Tabula Rasa remained and that fancy time bubble that allowed millions of years to pass in the same time frame as a Seinfeld rerun collapsed. This led all that fancy life to go ape-shit and abduct some overly curious humans, which prompted the Extinction Team to explore this area that's within God's blind spot and uncover it's secrets.

The previous issue spent a good deal of time uncovering those secrets while not showing much action. This was okay to a point because it explained the source of that Iron Man wannabe that showed up a few issues ago and introduced the Apex, the advanced race of intelligent humanoid creatures that look like the Predator if it were shaved and neutered. Most died when the time bubble collapsed and one of the remaining Apex met up with the X-men to explain what they're up against. Apparently, the other remaining survivor had too much free time and when he/she/it found out that the entire Apex civilization was gone, he/she/it (I'll just say he because I don't see any breasts) responded in the healthiest way possible...by creating a massive suit of death fueled by Celestial energy. I guess they didn't evolve some form of booze on Tabula Rasa.

Uncanny X-men #7 picks up after the X-men have had time to process this threat and formulate a plan that doesn't involve shitting their pants. It doesn't help that their friend, who humbly calls himself Good Apex, is such a douche-bag. He probably would have called himself Longrod Von Ironcock (assuming he has something akin to a penis) if possible. But he settles for something basic because he doesn't think non-Apex creatures can appreciate his race. So I guess evolution doesn't have a mechanism for keeping sentient life from becoming douche-bags. At least this so called Good Apex leads them to a mountain where Celestial energy is in the process of being released by his Bad Apex counterpart. Only Storm, Cyclops, Magneto, and Psylocke are on the front line. Hope, Namor, Colossus, and Illyana are busy and we don't hear from them in the entire comic. For a series that's usually pretty balanced, that's not a good sign.

You know what also isn't a good sign? More talking after the last issue was full of extended explanations about Tabula Rasa, the creatures in it, and how sentient beings that have the skin texture of elephant shit became the dominant species in this mini-world. To be fair, Kieron Gillen does link up some of the details in the previous issue with this issue. In the last issue, Good Apex explained how his people set up shop in a temple fueled by Celestial energy to keep them in a deep sleep that turned into just your typical death sleep. In this issue the X-men visit said temple and find out that Bad Apex didn't just set up shop in the unofficial tomb of the Apex, he set up shop in a monument containing all the accomplishments of his civilization. So it's part museum and part crypt. It's fitting yet still a little bit creepy.

As they journey through this creepy temple, there's more talking about the Apex and no real action. It's just walking and talking. Basically Lord of the Rings without the big ass battle scenes. However, it does help Kieron Gillen's dialog is smooth and easy to follow. It makes the excessive talking that much more bearable, but eventually they do reach their destination. The X-men and Good Apex find Bad Apex in the middle of what must be his 18th nervous breakdown. He's standing in a bed of busted up butterflies/robots/shit that doesn't have a word for it yet. It essentially is a metaphor for how fucked his world is and much it pisses him off. In this lament he calls Good Apex "unwife." Now I'm not sure what this term entails, but I'm pretty sure it would make for awesome fetish porn and/or a kick-ass episode of Jerry Springer.

Zoophiliac feelings aside, Bad Apex proves he's true to his title when he uses his Iron Man-eqsue suit to attack the X-men. So we finally get some action, but it isn't much. Bad Apex just fires a missile that blows up and makes everyone wish they were born without a head for a brief moment. It's not unlike waking up the next morning after six bottles of tequila. It's not too fair a fight from the onset. Magneto, usually adept at diverting missiles with his powers, wasn't too effective because Bad Apex apparently had a few spare million years to perfect technology that overcame simple magnetism. It's a little cheap, but that's the power of evolution I guess.

At this point when we finally get some action, the impact really isn't all that great. There was a lot of talking in this and the last issue that set up this confrontation, yet not much happened as a result. The lack of involvement from Hope, Namor, Illyana, or Colossus doesn't help either. We don't know what's going on or if they're aware of any of the shit that's taking Celestial energy and using it as toilet paper. Usually, Gillen is able to make his work pretty coherent when balancing multiple plots and characters. This is the first time where his story is getting narrow. It's not too egregious, but given the high standards that he himself set it is pretty disappointing.

The battle isn't too basic though. Despite the apparent ease with which Bad Apex took down the X-men, Psylocke mixes it up a bit by doing some ninja-style sneak attacks. It always helps that she's wearing a skin-tight uniform that shows off her ass while she's jamming a katana into an robot/disturbed sentient creature. Bad Apex still manages to shake the attack off as well as a follow-up shot from Cyclops. He boasts along the way as you would expect anyone who enjoys fucking with superheroes. So even with millions of years of evolution, making stupid quips and sounding like a pompous ass can't be naturally selected out of existence. It gives me little hope for the future of the human race.

Whereas the X-men are attempting and failing with the direct approach, Good Apex is trying something a little more subtle. He sneaks past his unwife (seriously, Gillen should copyright that shit) and tries to get to the Celestial energy that's fueling this shit. At this point Danger actually shows that she's not only sexy in a way that only Japanese fetish porn can articulate, she's useful because she creates a space suit for Good Apex to brave the danger. Despite being an arrogant creature, Good Apex is impressed and maybe a little turned on. I can't tell if these creatures get boners. But whatever the case, he tries to find the Celestial off switch. Bad Apex, having had enough fun roughing up the X-men, goes after him and attacks. I'm not sure if this counts as domestic or spousal abuse, but it has explosions so it's no worse than my uncle's third marriage.

The action definitely ramps up here because it has more of an emotional element. Good Apex clearly cares about Bad Apex and is trying to stop him from making a mistake that only a brain-damaged, tramatized being with a god-machine would make. He manages to vent a good deal of the Celestial energy. As expected, Bad Apex doesn't appreciate this and lashes out in a way that can only be compared to the way my ex-girlfriend used to attack me when I sold her jewelry for blow. Bad Apex probably would have become the Apex equivalent of OJ Simpson, but then Storm rejoined the battle and threw some lightning into the mix. That tends to help quell deranged ex-spouses (to a point).

In addition to the lightning, Storm rightfully criticizes in a rather colorful way that Bad Apex was shitting on the legacy of his entire civilization. This doesn't seem to bother Bad Apex, but since Good Apex drained all the Celestial energy he can't exactly continue with his policy of burning an entire world to a crisp. So after shaking off Storm's little lecture, Bad Apex and his pet robot disappears to regroup. It's not a typical bad-guy-getting-away type scenario. It's more a bad-guy-calling-timeout-so-he-can-find-another-way-to-fuck-with-them type scenario. It's the kind of ending that doesn't make for much closure. It actually makes the overall arc feel like it's dragging now. All we know is that Bad Apex is going to try something equally or more fucked up that will probably turn Tabula Rasa into a pile of dog shit. I want to get excited about it, but I'm just not feeling aroused by dog shit anymore.

After the previous issue, I was working under the assumption that the plots that were set up would be appropriately developed and/or blown up in this issue. There were a few explosions. There was some fighting as well. But for the most part, it was just more talking and more setup like the last issue. Like I said in my review of Uncanny X-men #6, I don't mind it when Kieron Gillen flexes his literary muscle. It's like a guy with a big dick or a woman with big tits. If you've got it, flaunt it. But like big dicks and big tits, flaunting can be distracting and in this issue there just wasn't enough substance to go along with the flaunting. It was like a rum and coke without the rum.

That's not to say there wasn't some good development here. Not only did we get some insight into the whole unwife concept for the Apex, but we also developed a new understanding for what Bad Apex is doing. This is a creature that woke up, found out that the entire Apex civilization had gone to shit, and there was nothing that could be done to save it. So Bad Apex is doing what is akin to giving Iran an H-bomb in the Marvel Universe, using Celestial energy to assemble the kind of tools of destruction that makes God wish he hadn't rested on the seventh day because it makes him look lazy. The problem is it's just not coupled with enough emotion. We know Bad Apex is pissed and Good Apex is trying to stop this overblown hissy fit. There's just not enough substance to make the reader really give a damn about where Bad Apex is coming from or enough action to make the reader overlook it.

Not a whole lot was built up here, but Kieron Gillen did succeed in moving the story forward. He's very descriptive on what the threat to Tabula Rasa is and goes out of his way to develop the Apex, but doesn't really do much for the X-men. It's still good, but it feels like too much is missing and too much ink was wasted. Now Kieron Gillen has earned a lot of leeway with the quality of his work in Uncanny X-men so I can't dock him too much for his work in this issue. But I can't give this issue the praise I want. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #7 a 3 out of 5. Two issues have been spent building up this Tabula Rasa story. That's about half an issue too long. With all this setup, I'm hoping that the next issue will make me shit out my brains and barf up my colon. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Let's Talk About Awesome

There are people out there that think comics aren't a legitimate form of literary art. If ever you cross paths with these people, I encourage you to push them down a flight of stairs and then step on their nuts on the way down. Just because comics don't contain pages upon pages of words arranged into jumbled boxes of text doesn't mean there isn't real literary gold involved. Hell, comics have more shit going for it because it doesn't just use boxes of text. It uses actual pictures so that writers don't have to spend two pages describing the underwear that some overly proper bimbo is wearing while she's swooning over a guy with eight-pack abs and ten-inch dick. I'd much rather see a picture of beautiful women in spandex costumes than try to decipher shitty writing.

That said, all the pretty art and breast depictions in the world can't save a shitty comic from being shitty. Yes, even boobs have their limit. Great comics also have great writing. Great writing requires great writers. I know that sounds obvious, but great writers for comics are harder to come by than a sober co-ed at a frat house party. Kieron Gillen has become one of those rare finds for Marvel. While previous writers could tell a story, Kieron Gillen has shown genuine talent at bringing those stories to life with his words. He's shown it in both Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men. The epic battles and shit that blows up is just bonus. Plus, he even has a slick British accent that can soak the panties of any woman that fantasizes about James Bond. So there's that too. Uncanny X-men has benefited from his talent since he took over. It's benefited even more since he took the events of Uncanny X-Force and mixed them with that of Uncanny X-men.

This has forged the current Tabula Rasa arc. The X-men's Extinction Team is caught up in the miniature evolutionary petri dish that Arcangel used to essentially TIVO hundreds of millions of years of evolution. In the last issue they ventured inside to rescue some people who were stupid enough to take a hike in this world. They ended up finding not only an exotic world, but an exotic race of creatures that worshiped Arcangel as a god. Now that the TIVO isn't fast forwarding anymore, they're a little fucked up. And as it turns out, there were competing gods within this tiny realm. It's not unlike modern day Israel and Palestine. Except the god the X-men have to deal with here is big ass suit of metal with some big ass guns. Oh yeah, and it's the kind of metal that Magneto can't crush so he and Psylocke (who is subbing for the one-armed Emma Frost) have to avoid playing martyr. One of the innocent little creatures isn't so lucky. While this is going on, Gillen is actually narrating from this creature's perspective. It's not as compelling as the Phalanx bit he did a few issues ago, but it's a nice change.

Psylocke tries to call on Cyclops for backup, but unfortunately he was swallowed and pooped out by Tabula Rasa in the last issue so while he's not dead he probably wish he was. It also means he's in no condition to assist her and Magneto. Tabula Rasa is about as welcoming to strangers as a Victoria's Secret in Saudi Arabia because the rest of the team is quickly occupied. Colossus and Illyana have to play extras in a Jurassic Park remake while Hope and Namor have to play extras in an Abyss remake. It's remakes abound, even if there isn't much depth to it. Given that Colossus and Illyana weren't distracted at the end of the last issue, it's a little contrived for them to get attacked just as Psylocke and Magneto are facing down an Iron Man knock-off who I'm guessing has a very small penis. Yet Storm and Danger aren't occupied so they are able to come to their aid, so it's not as convenient as it could have been.

But what about Cyclops? What happens to a guy after a world literally poops him out into the middle of nowhere? Well it actually ends up being helpful in the same way getting your dick stuck in a toaster helps you make friends with EMTs. After being partially digested, he's taken to a lair by a creature that looks like it lost one too many fights with Predator. That lair contains the missing people who were stupid enough to venture inside Tabula Rasa in the first place. It almost makes you wish they were the ones pooped out by a world, but it's not about to turn into another shitty Aliens vs. Predator bit. While the creature did capture the overly curious humans, it also protected them and not because it was preparing to eat/mate with them. It's not clear what it really wants until it starts talking...in English. Okay, it's shitty English that only a drunk George W. Bush could muster, but English none-the-less.

Back with Magneto and Psylocke, the battle against the Iron man knock-off continues. It's been a bit lopsided to this point since Magneto can't use his powers to crush this thing like a beer can. But in a move that may or may not be his way of getting into Psylocke's panties, he puts that helmet of his to better use aside from being a shitty fashion statement. In a spectacle that makes Magneto just a little bit more than an old man with too much Viagra in his diet, he turns his helmet into a barrage of shrapnel. It doesn't completely stop the Iron Man rip-off, but it does make the fight seem a little less lopsided. That and I think it did earn him some points with Psylocke because when it tried to blast them again, she pushed him out of the way. In comics, that's the same as saying "Want to go back to my place and see how I got straight As with all my male teachers?"

Magneto's attack forces the Iron Man ripoff to step up it's attack and go in for the kill. This would be more than appropriate if it hadn't wasted so much time, allowing both Danger and Storm to catch up to the battle. To this point Danger has been providing surveillance by turning herself into a satellite. But she also showed that a satellite can also doubt as a giant dick from space capable of badly fucking anyone and anything from sub-orbital space. When she arrives on the scene, the overcompensating robot gets whatever counts as it's asshole plowed and not in a way that makes for awesome gay porn. If that isn't enough to shrivel it's scrotum, Storms hows up as well and throws in several million volts of lightning. So if this thing was really a god to the creatures on this world, then I think it's safe to say they just pulled a Richard Dawkins on it's ass. That'll leave only the alien equivalent of creationists and you know they aren't going to be smart enough to pose a threat.

They've taken down the killer robot/demigod. One of the biggest threats in this world that God was drunk when he created is neutralized for now. It's a great time to reunite and regroup. Unfortunately, the others are still occupied and for reasons that feel more like an "my dog took a shit on my computer and destroyed my homework" type excuse. Apparently while the battle against the robot wannabe god was unfolding, Colossus's battle against the local wildlife went bad and they took Illyana...off panel...with no other details given. Now normally Gillen is really good about moving the plot along in a believable, coherent way. He usually doesn't resort to tricks that keep certain characters out of the way unless it's developed. This shit just seems to come out of nowhere. While it looks awesome when Colossus goes all Juggernaut, it feels like an overly contrived reason to keep him from meeting up with the others.

Normally, I'm willing to overlook one such misstep. Then we revisit the underwater battle with Namor and Hope. Like the battle with Colossus and Illyana, it ended...off panel...with no other details given. Starting to see a pattern? But it's not just those lost details that make this scene feel glossed over. Namor spends two pages essentially explaining to the inexperienced Hope that knows only kicking ass and ripping off Jean Grey that the underwater creatures around them aren't enemies. They think they're under attack because of all the shit that's been going on with Tabula Rasa's timestream getting all fucked up. While kicking their asses is all well and good, it probably would serve them better if they found a way to make them allies.

This tactic is all well and good if not for the long-winded explanation. I get that Gillen is good with words and like a man with a large penis, likes to show it off. But words aren't enough here. Aside from the talking, all Hope and Namor do is swim. They aren't fighting anything. Nothing seems to be stalking them either. It's just swimming and talking. Too much talking. It's a more than a slight shift from the battle against the robot demigod earlier. It's way longer than it needs to be.

It doesn't stop there either. Back with Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, and Danger, they catch up with Cyclops who brings with him some answers in the form of the same creature that abducted him. This creature, who learned English in a way makes you want to slap the clerk at 7-11 who can't figure out which brand of cigarettes you want, explains to the X-men the kind of bullshit they're up against. He didn't capture those people for kicks. He did it to study them and not with anal probing thankfully. Once he was reasonably sure that humans were sentient (although he admits he's not convinced), he explains what happened to his world.

It's another long winded explanation that takes up multiple pages. The creature calls himself Savage and his race is called Apex. Like humans, they considered themselves the top species of Tabula Rasa. Also like humans, they were energy hogs. They were smart enough to understand that at some point a self-contained world like this won't be able to keep it's equivalent of iphones and vibrators working. So they needed an alternative. Savage's friend (aka the guy in the Iron Man suit), decided it was a good idea to build a big ass suit of armor and look for energy outside Tabula Rasa. Savage's idea was to put themselves in stasis until Tabula Rasa's fucked up timeflow stabilized. That's the same as suggesting to someone that they knock themselves out until someone comes up with a viable alternative to fossil fuels. It's taken about as seriously as Ryan Secrest. While Savage went with his stasis idea, his buddy built the suit. Essentially, it boiled down to people not being able to come together to find a solution to an energy crisis. If these guys can't do it with Celestial technology, what hope is there for humanity? Fuck, I need some weed.

The long winded explanation continues. When Savage emerged, he found out that the Apex eventually caved to his idea and made a stasis field to wait out the coming temporal ass raping. It ended up failing. Tabula Rasa simply used them to feed the many other creatures. So when Savage's buddy returned after being stuck in temporal stasis as well, he was understandably pissed to find that his whole civilization was fucked. Naturally, he wants it back and doesn't care if he fucks the entire world when he does it. It's a lot of talking and not much else, but it does explain what they're up against and it shows that a giant robot demigod isn't just compensating for a small penis. It wants to rebuild it's civilization and is okay with blowing shit up in the process. It's understandable and shouldn't take several pages to explain.

I like Kieron Gillen's writing. I really do. He actually puts some effort into his words when he writes. That goes a long way with comics and for much of his run, it's been one of his strengths. However, in this issue he overdid it. There was a lot of talking, but not much was said. Maybe that's just the weed typing this shit for me, but between the narrations from Savage and Namor's little exposition it just seemed like wasted words. It's like driving your car down the driveway just to pick up the fucking mail. It caused the comic to really drag and spent way too much time just explaining shit rather than actually doing it.

Now not all these words were meaningless. They did fill in some of the blanks as to what is going on with Tabula Rasa and what it is the Extinction Team is up against. Savage and his race have their own history and in this issue, we got just a brief taste of how vast that history really is. The problem is it's not as compelling as it could have been. Too much was given all at once. There wasn't enough mystery left behind to be revealed later. Now maybe that's because this arc isn't long enough and Gillen is trying to squeeze too much in, but it simply doesn't work as well usual. Plus, scenes with Namor and Hope seemed glossed over. So did Illyana's disappearance with Colossus. Gillen just told the story. He didn't really show it. Think of it this way. Would you rather have a beautiful woman describe her tits or actually show them to you?

This isn't a bad comic. It has plenty of action as well as a pretty elaborate story that's worth following. It just drags too much in some areas while not expanding in others. While it leaves the issue feeling ab it flat, it doesn't mean the whole arc is brought down. Kieron Gillen has plenty of ways to make the next issue as awesome as it needs to be. Until then, this issue is a textbook case of filler. So for a final score, I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 3.5 out of 5. There's a decent story here and Kieron Gillen is great at telling it. It just hasn't come together yet. Once again, I'll compare it to tits. The hot stripper is still on stage. She hasn't taken her bra off yet and she's been teasing it way longer than any decent stripper should. But you can tell there's something behind that bra worth seeing and you can't help but stare in anticipation. I think I've made my point. Nuff said!