A (Not Quite) Epic Onslaught: Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1

The following is my review of Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For the past decade now, the major comic book events for Marvel and DC have fallen into one of two categories. One involves two teams of superheroes clashing in long, drawn-out conflict that may or may not be the result of psychic manipulation, cosmic forces, or inept politicians. Events like Marvel’s Civil War and DC’s Trinity War have spoiled the market over the past decade, so much so that at times it feels like one of those fashion trends that can’t end soon enough. While events like Avengers vs. X-men aren’t quite as bad as Crocs or Ugg boots, they tend to leave impacts that can’t be retconned soon enough.

The other event involves multiple teams of heroes teaming up to take on a threat that usually involves multiple teams of villains. These events are more traditional and basic. They’re as old and as basic as Batman punching the Joker or the X-men destroying an army of Sentinels, but slightly more elaborate. They really don’t break much new ground. There’s only so much variation in a story that involves defeating an army of killer robots, invading aliens, or Nazis. It’s like trying to make reruns of the Honeymooners funnier. There’s only so much flexibility to work with. That doesn’t mean they can’t succeed. These stories can be as epic as DC’s Blackest Night or as bland as Marvel’s Fear Itself. But Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1, Marvel’s latest crossover event, promises to stretch that flexibility to its limit and attempt to navigate the gray area between these two categories.

It’s a bold and respectable concept to attempt. However, it only succeeds to a marginal extent. The setup of the story is a problem in and of itself. Anyone who didn’t follow the preludes in Magneto or Uncanny Avengers is going to be lost and confused. That in and of itself isn’t too egregious since so many major events have preludes. But even for those who did read all the comics leading up to this event will feel lost and underwhelmed at times. So those who dedicated themselves to this story before it began aren’t going to be much better off than those who didn’t. It’s like a game between the freshman and varsity team ending in a tie.

The problem isn’t the conflict itself. In fact, the greatest strength of this issue is the nature of the conflict. This isn’t a typical uber-powerful enemy trying to win the day by taking the equivalent of cosmic steroids. The Red Skull, who became the Red Onslaught, isn’t just attacking his enemies. He’s using the psychic powers of Charles Xavier to evoke hatred and resentment for every unguarded mind on the planet. That essentially means the Avengers and X-men will now have to try to save a world that hates itself so much that it’s ready to tear itself apart. They might as well be fighting a crowd to buy a defective smart phone.

It sets up a very difficult battle for them to fight, but it’s a global battle that becomes an afterthought way too quickly. It almost feels like an aside because so much emphasis is placed on just getting the X-men and Avengers on the same page. And even that process ends up being pretty sloppy.

The action is poorly detailed at times and not nearly as epic as it could be. Some of these details feel too random and convenient. There are few connections that form a logical path that lead all the relevant characters into the battle against the Red Onslaught. This lack of connections makes the story feel disorganized and unrefined, like a far less grittier version of Saving Private Ryan. So even when the Avengers and X-men do come together, it comes off as something that was done just to remind everybody that this is a crossover. It’s a reminder that really wasn’t necessary.

There are some efforts with the characters to make the story more engaging. Some do succeed. Moments with Rogue, the Scarlet Witch, and Iron Man do help make this story feel more meaningful than just another heroes vs. overpowered Nazi battle. But others, namely those involving Havok and Wasp, fall too flat. They either rely on drama that was painfully forced and out-of-place or older conflicts going back to Avengers vs. X-men and Civil War that most readers are probably sick of by now.

Despite this disorganization and misguided character moments, the core of the story remains strong and definitely gets stronger by the end. The greatest strength of the story in Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1 is the way in which the Red Onslaught attacks the world. He doesn’t use bombs, racists speeches, or expensive lobbying efforts. He just projects thoughts that bring out the painful insecurities of his enemies. These insecurities disrupt what was shaping up to be a badly needed moment of unity between the Avengers and the X-men. So instead of coming together like the final epic battle in Lord of the Rings, they’re now poised to crumble under the weight of their petty insecurities like the final season of Lost.

What this issue lacks in detail, it makes up for in concept. The execution of that concept is what makes the story worth following. Even if some of the characters involved are forgettable or downright unlikable, they help establish the strength of that concept in a way where the details missing from this issue can be incorporated with subsequent issues. Unlike a chip on a statue, the flaws in Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1 are fixable. The oversights and missteps can be corrected or more refined at the very least. There’s plenty to build on with this concept. Whereas the threat of a super-Nazi villain should bring bickering teams of heroes together, this might actually find a way to do the opposite and that’s definitely a story worth telling.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Death of Wolverine #4

Well, it's finally here people. Once again, a major comic book company is killing off one of its major characters in a highly publicized event intended to boost sales and generate interest and/or troll Fox, depending on how accurate certain rumors are. We all knew it was coming. Marvel announced that Wolverine would die months ago. Since then, I've made my position pretty clear. One, he's not going to stay dead. If Marvel can bring back Bucky freakin' Barnes, they can bring back Wolverine. Two, these death gimmicks are shameless and shallow, but they work and we have nobody to blame but ourselves. And three, we'll keep seeing more death gimmicks like this so long as we keep forking over our hard earned money to buy into them.

It's because of these three points that I really can't get too worked up about Wolverine's upcoming death. It's not being set up like the deaths of Jean Grey, Johnny Storm, or Charles Xavier. We know it's coming. We know what to expect. It's only a matter of how well it's done. I'm not going to assume anybody is going to be satisfied with it. This is Wolverine, the guy who made Hugh Jackman the actor no less than 40 percent of the female population wants to bone. Killing him is not going to be satisfying for a lot of people, no matter how awesome the story. But it is what it is and I'm just the drunk who tries to determine whether it's a decent story. So as I review Death of Wolverine #4, I'm going to do my best to keep all this in mind. Fair warning though. I tend to treat death in comics the same way I treat pimples on my ass. They're unsightly and ugly, but unavoidable. It's just a matter of how we deal with them.

In that sense Wolverine deals with Dr. Cornelius in the most appropriate way possible. By that, I mean he ditches any an all sense of stealth and cunning. He just barges through the front door like the DEA at Tommy Chong's house, kills anyone dumb enough to get in his way, and fights as though he still has his healing factor. I know it's the same brutality we've seen from Wolverine since the Carter Administration, but this being his last battle, it feels right and satisfying even if it isn't spectacular. This is Wolverine at his most pure, taking on the ghosts of his past in the bloodiest, messiest way possible. Damn I'm going to miss this.

When he arrives, he finds Dr. Conrelius in the middle of doing what he does best. For some reason, somebody thought this guy who created the utter uncontrollable killing machine that is Wolverine deserved another shot. So now he's working on yet another breed of of Weapon X. And he's doing this in addition to putting a bounty on Wolverine's head. So not only does this guy have a death wish, he wants to carry it out in the messiest, most expensive way possible. That might make sense with Donald Trump or the Koch brothers, but this is just needlessly dumb.

That said, it is still fitting in a few ways. Wolverine still represents the first and probably the most successful living weapon that Weapon X ever created. Every knock-off or derivative not named X-23 has been pretty shitty by comparison. It's like Apple making only one perfect iPhone and having it be a huge success. Should they just shrug their shoulders and stop trying to make another? Fuck no. That's not just bad for business. That would be too damn humble for too many people.

It sets up what could have been a powerful moment where Wolverine confronts the man who made him Wolverine. And while there is some heated emotion here, it feels incomplete for lack of a better word. Dr. Cornelius does put some perspective into what he's doing and it's not the typical, "I do it because I'm bored and someone was dumb enough to give me a lot of money," excuse. He sees what he's doing as correcting his greatest failure. He really doesn't want to go down in history as the guy who created something as awesome as Wolverine and failed miserably to control him. He wants to at least get one knock-off right before he dies. It's not exactly a Bill Pullmen in Independence Day type speech, but it does have some merit.

To do this, he has all these nameless test subjects who are subject themselves to the same shit Wolverine went through. They don't have names. They really don't offer much and Wolverine doesn't even say much about them. They're just meat bags to Dr. Cornelius. And he makes clear that he'll go through as many of them as he needs to. Needless to say, Wolverine has a big problem with that. However, the emotions of how much this pisses him off really aren't sufficiently conveyed. He basically looks at Dr. Conrelius with a, "Really? This is the excuse you're gonna make? Fuck, I need some whiskey." That last part was implied.

There's just one missing element to Dr. Conrelius' experiment and actually, it helps make sense of why he would do something so stupid with respect to getting Wolverine involved with this, knowing Wolverine's first inclination will be to cut off his balls and rip out his heart. He needs Wolverine's healing factor so that his subjects can survive the adamantium bonding process. That seems to be the key. There's just one big problem and Wolverine demonstrates it for him clearly. His healing factor is gone. This kind of throws a big fucking wrench into his plan. Again, not much really comes of this in terms of impact. Dr. Conrelius just looks at is with a, "Oh well, guess I'll have to find another way." The flat emotions here are kind of making it hard for the story to have much impact without the aid of some good ecstasy. Since that shit is hard to come by and expensive as hell, it basically just clears the way for more killing.

This leads to what amounts to Wolverine's final major battle. It's not against Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, or all the redheaded hookers he didn't tip. It's just some random new Weapon X knock-off that Dr. Conrelius calls Major Sharp. He's not all that menacing. He could easily be an extra on a 50s era B-grade horror movie. Not much is revealed about him. It's nowhere nearly enough for anyone to give more than three hundredths of a shit about him. But he serves his purpose. He gives Wolverine someone to fight while Dr. Conrelius continues with his experiments. Because honestly, he's done so much dumb shit at this point, why would he stop?

He still finds a way to say some meaningful shit along the way. He points out the differences between Major Sharp and Wolverine. He talks about wanting to make something perfect and without flaws. That means making a living weapon that doesn't maim everybody who made him. He thinks this is the only way to fix his mistake and change the world for the better. Because using this same science to cure all disease, end poverty, and heal those who have been mortally wounded just isn't enough. It gives some depth, but not nearly enough to give enough noteworthy shits.

It really isn't too epic a battle. Major Sharp is no Sabretooth. Hell, he's not even Daken on a bad hair day. He just gives Wolverine a good workout until Wolverine tricks him into breaking the barrier that's protecting Dr. Conrelius. It's the kind of tactic that is in no less than half the World War II shooters for X-box. Even grade-school kids could see this shit coming. For a guy like Dr. Cornelius who is smart enough to make Wolverine, he has no fucking excuse. It makes the fight feel even less epic because it's too predictable. But it still helps move shit forward because dragging it along at this point would only add to the stupidity.

And this is where Wolverine's fate is finally sealed. To this point, this battle has unfolded in the same way as every other battle has. Wolverine breaks into a facility, fucks up the experiment, and seeks to murder the asshole responsible. Even without his healing factor, this is one of those battles he would usually survive and still have the energy to get drunk at the nearest bar afterwards. But instead, he makes a fateful choice that changes everything in a way that ensures his date with the Grim Reaper.

It starts when Dr. Conrelius bolts. He triggers the adamantium infusion process on the nameless saps who somehow got tricked into being test subjects. I imagine they probably thought they were buying a time share. Rather than have them go through what he went through, Wolverine stops it by cutting the tanks and letting the liquid adamantium pour out all over him. And to make sure the test subjects survive, he gives them what's left of the healing agent that Kitty Pryde used on him in a previous issue.

Now at this point, he has to know he's dead. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder what the fuck he was thinking. Couldn't it have just been easier to pull the damn plug? Did he have to just break open the tanks?  It really feels like he just went for the messiest possible solution when he didn't have to. It's conveyed as a noble sacrifice, but it comes off as one of those reckless mistakes that costs him his life. It's tragic in the context of drunk driving. For Wolverine though, it just feels unnecessary. That's not to say it isn't fitting. He gave his life to stop more Weapon X victims. What makes it feel flat is that he really didn't need to give his life to stop it. He just did it anyways.

With death now set to dry hump his ass to the afterlife, he staggers forward before the adamantium can harden. He's somehow able to catch up to Dr. Cornelius, who was wounded by a shard of glass. He's still trying to get away, but the underpaid helicopter pilot probably knows a bit more about Weapon X's history than Wolverine does. So he just bolts and leaves Dr. Conrelius to die. That makes him by far the smartest person in this whole story. It really negates the need for any more struggles. Wolverine doesn't have to slowly torture him to death like he probably wants. He probably can't in his current state anyways. He and Dr. Cornelius are just left to die. It's as exciting as it sounds.

So there's really not much left to do at this point. There's no inner musings. There's no sad thoughts about everything Wolverine will be leaving behind. Again, it really limits the emotional impact here. There are so many things that could have been explored in Wolverine's final moments. And to some extent, we get that. After Dr. Conrelius whines about what kind of legacy Wolverine is leaving behind, we get a very short montage of how far he's come. It's not much and doesn't even begin to cover the extent of his life. I want to say it's better than nothing, but it's too close to nothing. It still sends the right message in that Wolverine feels like he can die knowing that he's accomplished enough. That makes his death as honorable as a guy like him ever could've hoped for.

Now I guess this is the part where I try to read a eulogy of sorts. I've never had to give one while sober so I'm not going to start now. I'll just say that Wolverine's death here was fitting, but unnecessary. There was nothing about what he did here that made his death unavoidable. There were plenty of ways he could've stopped Dr. Cornelius and still saved those test subjects. Instead, he chose the most reckless tactic possible. He beat Cornelius and got himself killed in a way that might have had some poetic justice, but it still felt forced. It wasn't epic. It wasn't this huge battle against overwhelming odds. I'm not saying that it had to be that way. Him dying at the hands of Galactus would've been a lot less satisfying than this. However, it still feels like the kind of death that really didn't need to happen. For a character like Wolverine who has survived way worse shit on the weekends, it just doesn't feel epic enough.

It leaves me somewhat torn. This series was built on the premise that Wolverine would die in a way that would close the book on his journey in a meaningful way. In that sense, it succeeded. Wolverine's journey ended in the same way it began, fighting Weapon X. It didn't feel too crass. It wasn't like Wolverine died from choking on a pretzel. He died destroying the very thing that made him Wolverine. In that sense it works, but only in a very shallow sort of way. It doesn't really hit all the right emotions, but it does hit enough to not be a total disappointment. I give Death of Wolverine #4 a 6 out of 10. It's good. It's not great, but it's good. It won't make fans cry like they did when they found out they actually paid to see Wolverine Origins in the theaters, but it does give a sense of closure.

For that, I'll raise a glass of whiskey and thank Wolverine for all the awesome he brought us in life. In death, his impact will surely carry on that legacy of awesome. Now I'll just have to figure out what I'm going to drink once he eventually gets resurrected. Because let's face it, if Bucky freakin' Barnes can come back from the dead, so can Wolverine. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #105: Bleeding Hearts is LIVE and Pic Updates

There are some villains for which there is very little margin for error. The X-men have more than a few villains of that nature and the X-men Supreme fanfiction series has used plenty of them. These villains find ways to do more than just challenge he X-men physically. They make the struggle very personal. One of the major themes of X-men in general is that it's full of personal struggles. The struggle between the conflicting ideologies of Professor Charles Xavier and Magneto is by far the most prominent, but there are plenty of other struggles. X-men Supreme has brought in struggles that involve Wolverine and Weapon X, Emma Frost and the Inner Circle, and Mystique and her children. However, the next great struggle in X-men Supreme will be even more dire than usual because it involves Selene, the Black Queen.

As I've said before, Selene is a character that has been quite a menace in the X-men comics at times with events like Necrosha. However, she hasn't really had an opportunity to show just how menacing she can be. With X-men Supreme, I wanted to give her a bit more depth. I didn't just want to make her part of the Inner Circle. I wanted her to be her own character with her own motivations. That's what led me to link her goals with that of Sinister. They seem like odd bedfellows, if that's not too inappropriate a term. One relies on science. The other relies on magic. By themselves, Selene and Sinister are very dangerous. But team them up and the threat level rises expoentionally.

It's the kind of threat that the X-men have not yet had to confront here in this fanfiction series. They've faced each character individually and triumphed. Now they have to face them together. What kind of danger can they create by combining Sinister's mad science with Selene's magic? That's what the next big arc in this fanfiction series will explore and it starts with this new issue. It has Selene making her presence felt again. She already left some pretty deep scars with Amanda Sefton and her mother. Now she's returning, but not for the reasons she and the X-men might suspect. Her plans, as well as Sinister's, have evolved to become much more devious. It'll set the stage for an arc that will have some significant implications later on in X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths and it begins today.

X-men Supreme Issue 105: Bleeding Hearts

And since Selene is going to be such a major player in the upcoming issues of X-men Supreme, I think the time is perfect for an update to the pics section. I do apologize if it seems like I'm negating this section. Rest assure I'm always on the look out for awesome images of X-men and beautiful X-women. So anyone who has something they would like me to post is welcome to contact me and help me make the X-men Supreme website more awesome.

Black Queen Pics

Shadowcat Pics

Phoenix Pics

Whenever I tell stories like this that have never been attempted in the comics, I try to be careful. I've seen one too many times how an X-men story or a comic book story in general becomes too messy when stories are different just for the sake of being different. I want to tell stories in X-men Supreme that are unique for both fanfiction and comics as a whole. I also want to tell them in the right way. That means making these characters appealing. What I'll be doing in this upcoming arc will change things with certain characters. For fans of those characters, I want to be sure I do it right. So please take the time to provide feedback of this and other issues of X-men Supreme. Either contact me directly or place your comments directly in the issue. I try to respond to every email I get. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Nightcrawler #7

When the aftermath of a major story begins before the major story even ends, it’s the comic book equivalent of premature ejaculation. It’s awkward, unpleasant, and sometimes leaves stains that are difficult to explain to a dry cleaner. But it’s also one of those things that’s best to just overlook to spare ourselves the shame and indignity. Marvel already announced months ago that Wolverine is going to die. It’s a spoiler beyond a spoiler in that they didn’t even try to hide it. Marvel understands that in the era where no secret or nude picture is safe from the internet, it’s pointless to try. The problem is that the ongoing Death of Wolverine event got delayed and it’s now getting to the point of blue balls because some comics are already set to deal with the aftermath. I don’t want to speculate the kind of semen stains this could end up leaving, but I’m content to assume it’s nothing a little stain remover can’t fix.

There are a lot of characters who will be affected by Wolverine’s death. The man had a lot of friends and more than a few fuck buddies. But if ever Wolverine was going to have a wing man at a club, it would be Nightcrawler. He is to Wolverine what spay tan is to Snookie in that they’ve always been close and they’ve always sought solace in one another. Now in Nightcrawler #7, the impact of Wolverine’s death hits him hard and this guy who only recently came back from the dead has to find a way to deal with it again. I guess guys with blue skin just can’t catch a break unless they’re in a James Cameron movie.

It’s certainly sad for Nightcrawler and not just because he didn’t get to hook up with Navi princess. The timeline here is unclear because, as I said, this takes place after Death of Wolverine #4, which got delayed. So we don’t know the details of Wolverine’s death. We just know that enough time has for the Jean Grey Institute to go into morning, hoping that nobody tries to blow up the institute during that time. And Nightcrawler, never one to sleep off a perfectly sad night, is too restless. He narrates with some insightful, detailed inner dialog. It has just the right voice. It has all the right emotions. It’s just sad as hell because his friend is dead. So anyone who is only partially drunk at this point might want to stop right now to save their buzz.

The inner monologue, which is so easy to fuck up in comics these days, does a great job of establishing Nightcrawler’s mentality. He doesn’t just describe how depressing the Jean Grey Institute is now with Wolverine being dead. He starts talking about who he is, how he’s dealt with death in the past, and how other cultures deal with death. Yet he does it in a way that doesn’t feel like a History Channel documentary. And yes, before Pawn Stars the History Channel used to actually have documentaries about things like death.

This helps him process how he and others deal with death, providing just the right context, even though it still feels out of place chronologically. But instead of building a pyramid or carving out an anatomically incorrect statue, Nightcrawler does something a little different. He goes to the Danger Room and starts loading up holograms that document some of Wolverine’s greatest hits. This includes battles going all the way back to the All-New, All-Different days from the fashion abyss that was the bell-bottom wearing 70s. It seems so long ago. Attitudes towards mustaches and pubic hair have changed so much. But even though it shows nothing new or unique, Nightcrawler’s insight helps give it just the right context. He makes clear how much he admires Wolverine’s ability to be a total badass and still charm the hell out of pretty redheads. Who wouldn’t admire a guy like that? And he hadn’t even gone out drinking with Wolverine at this point.

Nightcrawler continues to sift through more Danger Room simulations that cover more of Wolverine’s defining moments. That naturally includes defining moments like the Phoenix Saga and since this is Chris Claremont writing here, he’s going to throw in a few remarks about how much Wolverine wanted to bone Jean Grey. Never mind how he was heavily involved with Storm at the end. Chris Claremont has never let reality and shitty X-men movies get in the way of his nerd boner for this pairing. Even so, he makes sure it doesn’t last more than four hours by focusing on how Wolverine struggled with emotions and how Jean’s death affected Wolverine. Again, it’s nothing new. It’s not even that groundbreaking. It just helps add to the emotions.

The other important event he covers is the Morlock Massacre. This was an event that affected both him and Wolverine profoundly. Unfortunately, the narrations are a bit lacking here. It again shows Wolverine in his classic glory before he dedicated 95 percent of his energy to hating Cyclops. It only helped establish how his path diverged from Wolverine’s for a time as a result of this infamous battle. It might bore the hell out of those who are familiar with this story that came out during the Regan Administration, but it’s still an important event for Nightcrawler in this context.

As relevant as these events are for Nightcarwler and Wolverine, the narration starts to feel a bit too much like a clip show at some point. He starts going over how he recovered from the Morlock Massacre and joined Excaliber with Kitty Pryde. If this were a thread on a message board, it would definitely get the mods to lock it because it feels off-topic here. It stops being about Wolverine and more about, “Wow, that time in my life sucked ass.” I get that the death of a friend can make someone like Nightcrawler reflect about where he came from. Unless alcohol is involved, it really doesn’t help when musings become more disorganized my sock drawer.

Things stay off-topic for a while. Nightcrawler keeps narrating, but it doesn’t provide the same emotional insight as before. He’s basically like that voice on a movie trailer, describing how he eventually reunited with the X-men. All was good for a time. He and Wolverine went on road trips getting drunk and hitting on Japanese hookers. Then Hope fucking Summers had to enter the picture and Nightcrawler had to die saving her ungrateful ass. Even though this is an event that happened within the past decade, it still doesn’t add much. It only reminds me of how an awesome guy like Nightcrawler ended up dying because of an annoying brat like Hope fucking Summers. I know I shouldn’t still be bitter, but some asshole brats deserve it.

Things finally get back on track when Nightcrawler does something other than remember all those fun times when Wolverine kicked ass or when he got screwed over. This time it involves an ordinary day when he and Wolverine are out and about, probably looking for more pretty Japanese girls or redheads. Then for reasons that I can only attribute to a lack of whiskey, Wolverine knocks Nightcrawler’s image inducer off in the middle of a crowded street in broad daylight. He talks about being a bit cautious after having recently died, but Wolverine basically says, “Fuck that! You’re alive. Embrace who you are. Now let’s go get some whiskey.” That last part was implied. But what makes this more meaningful than another flashback is how for once, Wolverine inspired Nightcrawler to have faith. For a guy whose faith is restricted to bartenders and beautiful women, that’s pretty profound.

It’s profound enough for Nightcrawler to attempt to use the Danger Room to construct a fitting monument. He could go about it any number of ways. He could have a bar and brewery in his name. He could have a strip club full of nothing but redheads and Asians called “Wolverine’s Bitches.” Or he could just have one big garage of motorcycles. Wolverine would love all of that. Instead, Nightcrawler chooses something more heartfelt.

His monument is not exactly the Great Pyramids of Giza, but it is fitting. It’s just a simple house with beer, pool tables, TVs, and filled with friends. Yes, it’s as corny as it sounds. It almost feels like it was ripped from the finale of a bad 70s sitcom. But it works. It has everything Wolverine cherished. It has good friends, motorcycles, and beer. It might not have Jean Grey and Mariko naked covered in whiskey, but it’s still right up there.

But as nice and as fitting as it feels, it evokes too many painful emotions for Nightcrawler. These emotions help him conclude that Wolverine doesn’t need no stinking monument. He was content with whiskey, steak, and good friends. He was not the kind of guy who would surround himself with holograms and pretend they’re real. He would rather get out into the real world, find real people to stab, and real beer to drink. He didn’t just think about the shit he could do. He went out and fucking did it. That’s the kind of guy Nightcrawler remembers. Sure it took him one too many flashbacks to realize it, but it got the job done.

When he finally leaves the Danger Room and ditches the fancy holograms, he meets up with Rachel Grey. It just wouldn’t be fitting enough if a pretty redhead didn’t get involved at some point in a story about remembering Wolverine. They share a nice moment. It’s nothing too epic, but it works well within the context of the story. There’s another jab at how badly Wolverine wants to bone Jean Grey. Even though that would constitute necrophilia at this point, this is Chris Claremont. If X3 wasn’t enough to disgust him with the concept, then nothing will. And sure, it’s debatable how dead Jean Grey is at this point. But the it helps make the moment more satisfying.

This is one of those issues that can be either really heartwarming or a total buzz kill. And because it’s taking place before we even know how Wolverine takes his dirt nap, it does have an odd impact. It’s like walking into a retirement home with a boner. It just feels out of place. It was still nice in that it hit all the right emotions. It covered the full spectrum of Nightcrawler and Wolverine’s friendship. In just reading this issue, anybody is able to appreciate just how close these two were. It doesn’t go so far as to come off as a gay romance novel. It goes just far enough to offer the right perspective on somebody mourning the loss of a friend. There’s not much action and a lot of what happens covers shit that most X-men fans already know or have seen ripped off. But this issue isn’t meant to be epic in that sense. It isn’t meant to have Nightcrawler battle the forces of Hell or get Mystique to go more than five minutes without trying to shoot somebody. It’s meant to show him mourning for his dead friend. And sure, Nightcrawler of all people should know that death in the Marvel universe is about as absolute as a promise from Tony Soprano. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be emotional in all the right ways. Nightcrawler #7 gets a 7 out of 10. Nightcrawler lost his friend, but at least he can take comfort knowing that Wolverine is in Heaven, enjoying endless three-ways with all the Japanese and redheaded twins he wants. And he should take comfort in that. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Avengers and X-men AXIS #1

If there’s one thing that history and Call of Duty games have taught us, it’s that very little good ever comes from Nazis. There aren’t enough dick and fart jokes in the world to make Nazi caliber atrocities, racism, and violence palpable. So I’m not even going to try. I’ll only say that if there is any good that can come from Nazi-level douche-baggery, it’s that it rallies others together. It rallied countries that would later try to blow each other up, like the United States and the Soviet union, to work together. I won’t say the bitterness between the Avengers and X-men was quite that bad after the events of Avengers vs. X-men, but I think it was close. Overnight, Cyclops became the anti-Christ for killing Charles Xavier. And I guess the rule of thumb in Marvel is that unless someone like Cyclops is destroying a whole universe, committing genocide against the mutant race, or murdering siblings and sons, they’ve somehow become evil. Well now they’re going to have to go up against real, pound-me-in-the-ass style evil in the Red Skull. And I think they can finally agree that as much an asshole Cyclops can be at times, he’s not even in the same universe as the Red Skull.

Now after a couple years of trying to rebuild the bridges that Wanda Maximoff and the Phoenix Force burned between the Avengers and the X-men, they’re going to try and team up again to combat the Red Skull. He’s been working behind the scenes since Uncanny Avengers began and he didn’t waste time showing off his Nazi-caliber douche-baggery. He desecrated the body of Charles Xavier, stealing his brain and using it to gain his powers. I’m sure some would’ve felt better if he had just desecrated it like a good, upstanding necrophiliac. But he’s a Nazi. He doesn’t do any of this shit halfway. He now has gone old school, starting concentration camps and treating mutants in ways that would make everyone in the ACLU throw up. Magneto tried to stop him, but he only ended up turning the Red Skull into the Red Skull/Onslaught. He might as well have given Hitler the fucking Death Star. Now this horribly overmatched battle is set to begin in Avengers and X-men AXIS #1. I guess it’ll help the Avengers and X-men come together and set aside their differences, but I’m sure the Icemans and Beasts of the world will find a way to blame Cyclops for this shit anyways.

Blaming Cyclops still hasn’t stopped the Avengers from doing what they do best when they’re not buying diamond-encrusted dildos from their movie revenue. They take on needlessly elaborate villains who probably could still make a very comfortable living using their charisma in infomercials. This time, they encounter Plantman. He’s exactly as generic as his name implies. It’s pretty typical shit for the Avengers. Then shit starts to get a little strange when somebody starts projecting psychic thoughts into their minds. They don’t tempt them to sneak into Emma Frost’s underwear drawer or steal Tony Stark’s credit card. They just tempt them to channel the spirit of Fred Phelps and start hating everything around them that seems too gay or too happy. It’s nothing elaborate. These are the same Avengers that turned a spat into Civil War. This might make the Christmas party awkward and it might get them suspended from the NFL, but it’s not going to be all that epic.

Being the brains and the guy with extremely deep pockets on the team, Iron Man picks up on the psychic projections and use some gizmo he probably conjured in between three-ways with Japanese twins to filter it out. I want to say it’s right up there with Bat Shark Repellant, but given the Avengers’ experience with psychics during Avengers vs. X-men, I can believe that he would make something like this. I’m sure there are plenty of perverse thoughts guys like Iron Man need to guard. This allows the Avengers to stop strangling each other long enough to figure out that this wave of psychic hate is being broadcast all over the whole damn world. And unlike the efforts of the KKK, terrorists, and Fox News this shit is actually working.

The source shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody who has been following the prelude in the pages of Magneto’s solo series. It was because of Magneto’s insatiable desire to crush the Red Skull’s head with a pile of bricks that this new Uber-Nazi Onslaught was released. Not going to say he was wrong in wanting to crush a Nazi’s head, but it did sort of fuck things up. And Havok was right there at ground zero when the shit storm began. Since tormenting Havok still hasn’t gotten boring, the Red Onslaught mind-fucks him a bit before waking him up to remind him that he’s still in a Nazi concentration camp. The rotting corpse of Charles Xavier tries to reach out to him, but that doesn’t make waking up in a Nazi concentration camp less shitty.

But it’s no big deal mind-fucking Havok. That’s like beating the Oakland Raiders. It doesn’t mean much. Rogue and the Scarlet Witch try to put up more of a fight. Let’s face it, two beautiful women will always be more powerful than guy like Havok who thinks banning words will actually make people stop hating mutants. But as powerful as two beautiful women like Rogue and the Scarlet Witch are, they’re basically pissing into the wind with the Red Onslaught. And the Red Onslaught hasn’t forgotten that the Scarlet Witch has the power to warp reality to her will. Since this world isn’t Nazi-fied enough, she’s basically the equivalent of a cheat code to win this battle. In that sense, I can’t blame the Red Onslaught for mind-fucking with her. Anyone who has ever played Contra on Nintendo knows it’s not cheating if it makes the game easier.

Having seen this movie before and demanded a refund from the studio, Magneto is able to prevent the Red Onslaught from mind-fucking his daughter. He saw what happened when Dr. Doom tried it. He doesn’t need to see what happens when a Nazi tries it. He takes a few licks, but in doing so he ends up at another part of the camp where Kid Omega, Cyclops, and Genesis are being held. If it sounds exceedingly convenient and random, then don’t call in poison control. It’s exactly as convenient and random as it sounds.

For anyone who didn’t follow the prelude issues to this event, it’s going to be confusing. That alone is to be expected for any event that is big enough to warrant a prelude. But I did follow the prelude through Magneto and Uncanny Avengers. I was even sober enough to remember it. And at no point was it ever even hinted at that these three got abducted, attacked, or mind-fucked. These aren’t random hostages on 24. This is Kid Omega, Cyclops, and a mini-me of Apocalypse. A fight like that is probably worth detailing. But here, it’s just placed there for reasons I can only ascribe to someone having a bad hangover. Given how richly detailed books like Magneto and Uncanny Avengers have been, this is pretty disappointing.

It’s even more disappointing when Havok adds to the randomness. He just got mind-fucked by the Red Onslaught and what’s his first inclination? He attacks Cyclops. That’s like hating the New York Yankees and attacking the Boston Red Sox to spite them. And he’s still whining about Cyclops killing Xavier, even though Xavier’s mind actually spoke to him. So I guess I was right when I suspected that somebody would blame Cyclops for this shit. Never mind the Red Supremacy is still on a fucking rampage. Attacking Cyclops just seems to make more sense to Havok. And people wonder why they consider him the lamer Summers brother.

The one who ends up breaking up the fight is Genesis. And it’s definitely a bad sign when a miniature version of Apocalypse has to step in to break up a fight. He actually says things that make him way more likable than Havok will ever be, lecturing them on how much they suck at actually doing what Charles Xavier taught them to do. He probably would’ve thrown in a few extra details like the Red Onslaught still being on the loose, but that might’ve made too much sense. But in his defense, Ahab decided to take over the role as chief non-Nazi asshole and fucking impaled Genesis with a harpoon. I still say Havok is the bigger asshole here.

While this shit storm is raging for the X-men, the Avengers are still horribly lagging behind. I guess plant creatures in Los Angeles have a higher priority than Nazi concentration camps for mutants. But while they’re assessing how fucked the world is and how they’re going to catch up, Iron Man has a nice moment with Wasp. She reveals to him that painful little detail about her having a daughter with Havok in an alternate future. It makes for a somewhat emotional moment. But it ends up being pretty hallow.

Anyone who hasn’t been following Uncanny Avengers for the past few months would never have even known Wasp and Havok had such an epic love affair. That’s what makes this moment feel so weak. She’s so sad and weepy about a daughter who might as well have been a clone in the story she showed up in. I want to feel bad for her, but then she starts whining about whether being a hero is worth it. That might carry some weight if this story about her daughter and Havok had more depth. Right now, it has about as much depth as a rerun of the Simpsons.

Wasp would probably have far more valid reasons to cry if the Red Supremacy succeeds in mind-fucking the Scarlet Witch. Her lost daughter would be the least of her worries in a world dominated by Nazis. He ends up getting pretty close to succeeding. He talks to her the same way a dominatrix talks to a client armed with Warren Buffet’s credit card. He actually goes so far as to make her love him. It sounds fucked up, but Dr. Doom did the same thing and made it work pretty damn well. If it works, why find another way.

Since nobody wants to read House of M again with Nazis, Rogue steps in. She actually absorbs some of the Red Onslaught, which sounds like weapons grade stupidity. However, in doing so she’s able to locate that final remaining sliver of Charles Xavier’s mind. That ends up being pretty handy because it by absorbing him, she can both use his powers to guard the Scarlet Witch’s mind and tell Havok and Beast to shut the fuck up. So for those who hated House of M and never want to see that story again, take a deep breath. We’re not walking that road again.

At this point, it would be really helpful if Havok and the others came to their aid. But with Havok, I guess that would be too competent. He’s still battling Ahab with Magneto and Cyclops. It’s not nearly as epic a battle between the Red Onslaught, Rogue, and the Scarlet Witch. Then again, it’s hard for any battle to be as epic when it doesn’t involve two beautiful women. Ahab just taunts Havok about his daughter. Then Cyclops shows why he’s still the better Summers brother by taking a harpoon in the shoulder. He might have had a hand in Charles Xavier’s death, but he doesn’t use that as an excuse to be an asshole. It’s still a pretty bland scene. If I want this kind of trash talk, I’ll stick to Richard Sherman.

It’s only now after the Red Onslaught nearly had the Scarlet Witch unleash another M-Day and after people started getting harpooned that the Avengers show up. Sure, they’re later than Michelle Dugger’s last period, but they do help make the fight seem somewhat more balanced. It’s still not that detailed or that epic. I don’t get the sense it’s meant to be that way. This is the first issue of a nine-issue event. It doesn’t make sense to unleash a D-Day style battle before anyone has had a chance to sufficiently bitch and moan about Cyclops. That sort of thing should be saved for Transformer movies and not major crossover events.

To be fair to Havok, which I have a hard time writing with a straight face, he eventually does settle down enough to realize that this might be a good time to not clash with his brother. In addition to the Avengers, more X-men show up to help out. And he’s a little less inclined to be a petty douche-bag when he’s surrounded by so many teammates that are more willing to fight alongside Cyclops against a Nazi. It’s a nice moment where the team comes together. It still feels a bit rushed. It makes me wonder why the hell Havok made such a big deal out of attacking Cyclops in the first place. Then again, I’ve given up trying to justify his bullshit. I’m content to see him actually fight like a decent X-men for once.

It’s a battle that quickly turns into the antithesis of Avengers vs. X-men. Both the Avengers and the X-men come together, with the Inhumans even pitching in, to take on the Red Onslaught. Let’s face it. When a super powerful Nazi shows up and is attempting to remake reality into one of Hitler’s wet dreams, it’s the superhero equivalent of a block party. Everybody wants in on the action. They hear the Red Onslaught’s racist rantings and they understand that their differences with mutants become pretty damn meaningless when Nazis are involved. It’s the first time this comic really feels epic for all the right reasons.

But like an orgasm on meth, it doesn’t last long. The battle doesn’t even begin to get too destructive before the Red Onslaught pulls another nasty psychic trick. This time he goes after Tony Stark, the guy who has the necessary gadgets to block out telepathy. He reveals that at some point that is neither defined nor detailed, he forked over all the Civil War data he made himself forget. It’s another instance of something being pulled out of an unknown ass, but it does make an important point. And that point is Tony Stark is quite the asshole. It takes a special kind of asshole to create two adamantium Sentinels and let someone like the Red Onslaught use them. Now maybe this was something that was wiped from Iron Man’s mind at some point and maybe digging back into the wounds left by Civil War is more than a little contrived, but it definitely complicates the battle. Nazis with adamatium Sentinels is like Homer Simpson and an ocean of beer. Little good can come of it for those that get in their way.

I admit I expected a number of heroes to come out as total assholes at some point in this issue. I had money on Cyclops, Havok, Beast, or the Scarlet Witch. Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to have my legs broken again by my loan shark. Except this time, I probably deserve it because only a dipshit wouldn’t bet on Tony freakin’ Stark being a total ass at some point in a major story. This is the same guy who tried to solve the problem of the Phoenix Force by shooting it with a big ass gun. And somehow Cyclops ended up the asshole in that story? I know I write crazy shit when I review my comics stoned, but I refuse to believe that someone was sober when they came up with that.

Tony Stark being an asshole is kind of a lowlight for this issue. The concept itself is pretty damn awesome. The Red Skull now having the power to fill everyone with hatred that would make the Westboro Baptist Church blush is a pretty big threat and it can’t exactly be solved by shooting a big ass gun at it, although I’m sure Iron Man had designs. The problem was that the details surrounding this concept were bland, contrived, or just plan random. Cyclops, Kid Omega, and Genesis just happen to show up and Tony Stark just happens to have these adamantium Sentinels in storage? I think that’s just further proof that sobriety is at a premium when some of these stories are planned. Even so, it’s still entertaining and fairly concise in terms of plot. It’s just about as refined Courtney Love on a cocaine bender. I give Avengers and X-men: AXIS #1 a 6 out of 10. It has the potential to be much greater. It just needs to sober up a bit and flesh out the details. And when a guy like me says sobering up might help, that’s a clear sign that somebody has a problem. Nuff said!