Avengers vs. X-men #4 - Cosmic Awesome Arrives

Sorry ladies, but I don't have much time for foreplay this time. I know when I review a comic, I like to get the blood flowing to the right areas by easing into the underlying theme of my review. I call it my fanboy roofie, only it's legal and won't get me black-listed in every college town in the United States and Canada. Thank heavens for low standards and piss poor drug laws in Mexico, but that's besides the point. This isn't a time to be cute or witty. In case someone hit you over the head with a piece of heavy mining equipment, Marvel is in the midst of a big ass event that has provided abundant excuses for the X-men and the Avengers to beat the shit out of each other. For once, the professional cynics/douche-bags that think they're somehow less douchy by not buying into big hype can't say it's a gimmick. The X-men and the Avengers have a damn good reason to beat each other up. A giant fucking firebird is speeding towards Earth looking to take a giant flaming shit on their planet or kick start a dying race, they can't seem to figure that part out. One side wants to use the Phoenix. One wants to destroy it. And like negotiating with North Korea, diplomacy has failed and the only solution at this point involves beating the piss out of each other.

Three issues in and Avengers vs. X-men has met and at times exceeded the lofty expectations that Marvel went to great lengths to overinflate. So far the battle has been pretty fucking intense, full of trick moves that double as a subtle fuck you and several shifts in scenery as Hope Summers plays the part of a bitchy teenage girl who knows she's in deep shit very well. It's been full of action and suspense. You get the sense that the clock is ticking and that giant cosmic parrot isn't getting any less pissed off. But with a 12 issue biweekly series, how many ways can Marvel make the Avengers and the X-men want to reasonably beat each other up? Well so far it's been done quite well, but the story needs to move forward. A big problem with most events is that they can start with a bang, but then they turn into that hot chick that's completely willing to fuck you but is struggling to get out of her pants while you're waiting there on the bed awkwardly with a hard-on and a beer buzz that's not getting any stronger. Nobody likes moments like that whether you're trying to get laid or in a comic book. So Avengers vs. X-men has to find enough ways to avoid that awkwardness for 12 issues. They couldn't do it in 7 with Fear Itself, so they have their work cut out for them.

But enough shit about the difficulty of making an overhyped book deliver. I know my drunken rants aren't even the top five reasons why people read this blog. You want to know what the fuck is going on with Avengers vs. X-men. In the last issue, Wolverine got himself thrown out of a fucking jet and Hope managed to lure the X-men and Avengers to five different locales where they can kick each others' ass. This was all done on purpose because Hope does actually have a plan. Now I've rarely come across a plan by a damaged 16-year-old girl that I've ever considered smart. Sexy? Probably. Kinky? Definitely. Illegal? More often than not. Yet she's the one this cosmic parrot is after so she has to have a plan. Avengers vs. X-men #4 begins by revealing part of that plan, which involves her laying beer traps for Wolverine so she can hunt him down wherever he was dropped over Antarctica. Now this answers one question while raising another. For one, it explains how Wolverine managed to get back to the Jean Grey Institute in the Wolverine and the X-men tie-in. But how the fuck did Hope get a jet to fly to Antarctica? I've seen many hot 16-year-olds get some pretty crazy shit. It usually involved blow-jobs, bondage, or costumes depicting Japanese school girls but it was never enough to get her a fucking jet. Hope claims she had help from Quentin Quere, which makes almost as much sense but doesn't make for very good porno.

I suppose the readers are just supposed to use their imagination as to how the mutant messiah got that jet. That's okay. I have a sick enough mind to fill in the dots. Marvel is much more generous in giving details about Thor's battle with the Phoenix. It wasn't touched on in the last issue, but it has been covered in various tie-in issues. All you really need to know about those issues is that confronting the Phoenix Force in space is about as smart as sticking your dick into den of fire ants. Pretty much the whole team that went after the Phoenix Force failed miserably. Thor, having to flex his godly balls, tries to lay the hammer down on the cosmic pigeon. It makes for a nice spectacle, but is about as effective as you would expect. In other words, the Phoenix decides to scorch another planet before showing Thor that while he may be a god on Earth, he might as well be flea on her cosmic ass.

It's only slightly less tense when Hope lures Wolverine onto the jet she may have sucked a few dicks to get. Remember, this guy tried to fucking stab her a few issues ago so seeking him out is like trying to bone the woman that cut out one of your testicles again. But she placates him with free beer. I admit that's probably the most brilliant tactic ever for handling Wolverine short of presenting him with an army of Jean Grey clone strippers. Once he's had enough to drink, Hope tries to convince him that she can handle the Phoenix. She can use it to do more re-birthing and less torching. Wolverine is understandably skeptical and rightfully so. This thing still killed the women he never got a chance to bone. But Hope manages to convince him to give her a chance. And if she fails, she trusts him to end her ass where she stands. It makes a twisted bit of sense, trusting the guy that tried to kill you to stop you before you fail miserably. It's extreme, but something like that sure would come in handy if you had a chance to fuck Jessica Alba and couldn't live with the fact of failing.

Hope and Wolverine now have their plan. The X-men still have theirs as well. After pulling a little Houdini on the Avengers in the last issue, the X-men went into hiding and split up to take on the Avengers in the 5 locations where Rachel Grey detected Hope's signature. At first it seemed like only the Avengers knew of those locations. Well, she might have hit a psychic Reply All and sent it to the X-men as well so naturally the X-men followed suit in hoping of finding Hope before the Avengers. All the while, Cyclops and Emma are hanging back at a safehouse that happens to be an old Hellfire Club hangout (yeah, nothing ominous about that). Since they can't rely on Rachel Grey to keep bullshitting Wolverine at the Jean Grey Institute, they look to get the drop on the Avengers through whatever deceitful way they can manage. When you have a hot blonde telepath with a boob job, there's no other way to operate.

Emma flexes her ovaries (or tits if you will) here and uses her telepathic talents to hijack the weakest mind at the Jean Grey Institute, which happens to be Toad. It's not enough that he has to clean up the shit left behind by teenagers. He's now Emma Frost's meat puppet and his mind is used to link up to Cerebra so they can evesdrop on the battles going on in Tabula Rasa, the Savage Land, Latveria, Wakanda, and Wundagore. As she reviews each battle, we get a quick glimpse of the ongoing struggle. It's very brief and doesn't offer much detail on the ongoing battles. That's probably to be expected since they are handled in other tie-ins, but the details are still extremely light. If you're too cheap for tie-ins, then you'll be confused. Then again if you're cheap enough to avoid some of the quality Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins that have come out lately, then you have problems that go far beyond your cheapness and I suggest you see a doctor or an unlicensed Mexican pharmacist.

After some thorough scanning, Emma Frost finds what she needs in the Savage Land. Her intent was to look in on the mind of Captain America and not just to pick up on his old perverse fantasies about Elanor Roosevelt. As Cap is fighting the X-men in the Savage Land, he's communicating with Iron Man as he's making what he hopes is a weapon that will kill a cosmic entity. He offers some brief insight into the nature of the Phoenix Force, explaining that it was forged in the very creation of the universe so they have to duplicate those conditions to take it down. Again, the details are exceedingly light, but that's not the point. The point is that as soon as Captain America finds out where Hope is, the X-men find out as well. How does he find out? Well that's where it gets a little tricky and at the risk of getting ahead of myself, I'm going to smoke a quick joint before I spoil it!

Before I need to run to the nearest 7/11 for a bag of Doritos, I'll try to explain some of Hope's plan. It involves getting a rocket ship that can take them into space. First a jet and then a rocket? I'm sorry, but there aren't enough dicks for a 16-year-old to suck for something like that. Luckily, Wolverine just threatens one of the fine folk at AIM to lend them one. Since needless self-sacrifice is not a job requirement for AIM, he assists Hope and Wolverine in getting their rocket. He might have still given it to her if Hope put on a Catwoman outfit and offered to drink his milk, but I guess Wolverine's claws are just as effective. Again, it still doesn't make for good porno.

The rocket takes Hope and Wolverine to a very familiar locale for all you Phoenix fans. They head to the moon, the same desolate world where Jean Grey (or a mock-up of her) sacrificed herself the first time the Phoenix fucked with the Marvel universe. I guess Hope figured she's not enough of a Jean Grey ripoff yet so she might as well piss on her grave even more. Except this time there's another little twist and this one is even more surprising than the one the X-men pulled a few issues ago.

As soon as Hope arrives, she finds the Avengers there waiting for them. Wait...how the fuck did they find her? Did she not go through the trouble of sending them on a wild goose chase? Well Wolverine must have really apologized to Captain America because he flat out betrayed Hope and led the Avengers right to her. This from a guy who got thrown out of a jet in the previous issue. Captain America is usually pretty forgiving, but this puts him in Jesus Christ territory. That and Wolverine really doesn't trust the Phoenix not to fuck up another redhead. It's a hell of a surprise and one that feels very satisfying. It's even more satisfying when the X-men show up right behind the Avengers. They've been in this position before and they knew the girl that's drawing the Phoenix Force isn't going to stay tame for long.

The stage is set for yet another Avengers vs. X-men clash. You could argue that at this point the fighting is getting old, but you douche-bags will have to find another thing to bitch about because they don't get a chance. As they're about to rip into each other, Thor comes crashing down after being disciplined by the Phoenix in ways that a Catholic School Nun can only dream of. The Avengers did their best to slow that cosmic parrot down and they failed miserably because the Phoenix has arrived. It is on the moon, it has it's host, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. And fuck me with a cactus, we have to wait another three weeks to see what happens next.

It's times like this I want to waterboard Doc Brown from Back to the Future until he builds another time machine so I can avoid waiting more than three fucking weeks to see what happens. Yes, I'm willing to fuck up the entire space-time continuum in order to see what happens next with this series. That may be music to the ears of Marvel's marketing team and share-holders, but for the average Joe who isn't able to beat a time machine out of someone it sucks donkey balls. The mere frustration you feel at how this issue ended just as the Phoenix Force arrived shows that regardless of the details, this was a pretty fucking awesome issue. Every aspect of the conflict was covered at least in part. The details may have been light in some areas, but that's what the tie-in issues are for. You don't need to know those details in this book. You just need to know that they all fit together in a way that culminates on the moon in a way that should have Chris Claremont reaching for a pair of late 70s bell bottom pants, a DVD of Saturday Night Fever, and a few lines of freshly cut Columbian blow. Even if you don't know shit about the history of the Phoenix, you're either dead or stoned to the point of coma to not know how vital the arrival of the Phoenix Force is to this story.

At times it felt like this issue tried to do too much, covering all five battles in each locale while moving the plot with Hope and the Phoenix forward. It even feels a bit condensed at times because not everything seems to sync up. How Hope got her hands on a jet that could fly to Antarctica isn't explained. And unless you read Wolverine and the X-men #10, you would never know he dropped by the Jean Grey Institute to tell his students they're fucked before heading out with Hope. I know it's a real bitch to make every tie-in fit with the event, but even a passing mention in a thought bubble would have sufficed. It's those little things that keep good comics from being awesome. However, this is one instance where negating some of those details made the comic feel more cohesive overall so unless you're so anal that you go into cultivations when someone uses the word irregardless in a sentence, it's easy to overlook.

Marvel has built this event up in a way that has been so cock-smashingly thrilling that if it were a ride at an amusement park, you would have to sign a medical waiver less your heart explodes from sheer awesome. The battle against the X-men and the Avengers has grown and expanded, but not in a way that feels forced or contrived. This issue really provided a sense of coherence to the overall conflict, culminating in the arrival in the very source of that conflict. It couldn't have come together more nicely if you smothered it in bacon grease and served it on a double cheeseburger. Even if it doesn't quite gel with every detail of the tie-ins, it gels enough for me to give it a perfect 5 out of 5. Four issues in and Avengers vs. X-men is delivering in every aspect so far. Can it be sustained? I've been over-excited before and let down more than Cleveland Browns fans, but I'm willing to risk it again even if it means another blow to the head! I've already killed enough brain cells with comics and various exotic substances. For comics like this, brain damage is more than worth it! Nuff said.

Uncanny X-Force #25 - The Pressure of Being Awesome

We all make dumb mistakes at some point in our lives. We make the wrong turn during a poorly planned road trip in Arizona. We pick a fight with the wrong guy at a bar and end up with a broken nose. We sleep with the wrong hooker that turns out to have bigger balls than you. Nobody is perfect. Some are more fucked up than others and when you're on a secret kill squad you're fucked upedness rises by orders of magnitude. That's the level of insanity that Rich Remender has established in the pages of Uncanny X-Force and from the very beginning it's been a pretty awesome ride. There have been some bumps along the way, but it hasn't been enough to prevent that tingly feeling I get in my balls every time I pick up a new issue. Or maybe that's just from that hooker I mentioned.

Uncanny X-Force is one of the few X-books that has been untouched by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. How can it be when it has so much other crazy shit going on? They just lost Angel, who had his mind wiped and now he's more unbalanced than Mel Gibson at a Jews for Jesus rally. Then Betsy had to go and kill a member of her own family. Given all the losses she suffered lately on top of losing her ability to feel any kind of sorrow, she decided to pour sulfuric acid in the wound by fucking Fantomex. It's quite a low, boning someone who has a history of being a phony French douche-bag. But that's the kind of fucked up Betsy is in right now and that's the kind of fucked up Uncanny X-Force deals with. Even if your stomach wants to swap spots with your tongue, you can't help but read on.

Uncanny X-Force #25 continues to tell stories devoid of the influence of Avengers vs. X-men. It may or may not be a relief for some who are tired of seeing characters bitch about which side is a bigger asshole. Even as the X-men and Avengers wage war, there are still assholes than can only be handled by a secret kill squad. This time such assholes have X-Force visiting Paris to investigate an elaborate deal of sorts. It's the kind of investigation that only a deranged nut job with fewer working brain cells than a drunk monkey would dive into head first. So of course Deadpool is the perfect candidate. He drops right in on a guy in a fancy trench coat and proceeds to steal his appearance Face-Off style. The details are a little light unfortunately. How someone like Deadpool can pull off that kind of disguise so quickly is fucked up even for him. Remender is usually good about explaining this shit, but he skips over it and just has Deadpool making the switch and going undercover. The countdown for when his deranged mind leads him to blow his cover has begun.

Now if Rick Remender wanted to be merciful, he would be tactful about how he handles the events of the previous issue where Psylocke pretty much laid her pussy out on a silver platter for Fantomex. Well if you want tactful, go back to reading bullshit conspiracy theories by Dan Brown because this is Uncanny X-Force. There's no dancing around this issue. Remender gives us a nice overly blunt look at the infamous morning after Psylocke and Fantomex swap the desired body fluids. As someone who has woken up in bed with many strange women/psuedo-women (don't ask), I know it can be pretty fucked up. But Psylocke strikes a blow for feminists everywhere by essentially telling Fantomex she fucked him out of callous greed. She has no feelings for him. She goes so far as to say there's nothing in him to have feelings for. It's pretty fucking cold, but given what a douche Fantomex has been it's more than deserved.

Now to Fantomex's credit he does try to say that he had feelings for her, but given his history of douche-baggery that's a hell of a stretch. He may have just been better off saying he has an Asian women fetish and that would have been more understanding. This hook-up was part of what made the last issue a bit nauseating in the end, but I think Remender handled it pretty nicely here. Fantomex had a history of essentially pestering Psylocke, making her question her love for Angel in an effort to get into her panties. Well he got into her panties, but she killed any chance for an emotional entanglement faster than a girlfriend who has an ex-marine with fully loaded shotgun within reaching distance at all times.

While pillow talk and hot women breaking the hearts of insufferable douche-bags is always fun, Uncanny X-Force is still a book where certain people just need to be killed. Back in Paris, Deadpool has his disguise and he's allowed to infiltrate a special little place called the White Sky. It's essentially the Wal Mart of assassins, complete with an Austin Powers style fembot to give would-be clients a tour and if she's made in Japan she probably has working breasts. The pitch they offer to Deadpool (or the guy they think they're dealing with) is pretty compelling. White Sky pretty much grows their assassins Clone Wars style and programs them to be perfect, going so far as to implant memories that their targets killed their families or fucked their girlfriends over a pool table in your basement. They also go out of their way to call Deadpool's breed of assassins dated and unpredictable. It's insulting, degrading, and right, but to his credit Deadpool keeps his cool...relatively speaking. He still ends up getting attacked in the end. If an organization is equipped enough to make the perfect assassin, they're more than quipped to see through a bullshit disguise.

Back at Cavern X, Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler are monitoring Deadpool's mission. Just as they get word that Deadpool has once again put himself in a fucked up position, they're approached by Psylocke who tells them she's leaving the team. All this killing and boning Fantomex has finally gotten to her and she has no desire to be part of it anymore. She even goes so far as to kiss Wolverine goodbye. Now this is pretty random, almost as random as her boning Fantomex. But it actually reinforces a valid point. She gave up her ability to feel sorrow and remorse during the Otherworld arc and it has affected her on a profound level. Why it would have her start randomly kissing men is not explained, but I'm sure Wolverine doesn't mind nor would anyone with an Asian fetish.

She's not the only one to leave either. Fantomex tells Wolverine he's finished with X-Force. He claims that no more Angel and no more money gives him no more reasons to stay. It's probably just code for having no more chance at Psylocke's pussy, but it's still a bullshit reason. It leaves X-Force pretty depleted, but moreover it shows that the whole life of being in a secret kill squad has a way of getting to people. Rick Remender has found ways to make that painfully apparent and it's definitely shown quite nicely here.

Once Psylocke leaves X-Force, she returns to the Jean Grey Institute. Why here instead of Utopia? Well Angel is still at the institute, but not the Angel she remembers. She meets up with Kitty, who tells her exactly what Rachel Grey told Iceman in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. There's absolutely no trace of Warren Worthington III left in his brain. He's pretty much a blank slate and a pretty fucked up slate at that if you've been following his bizarre transformation in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. Yet Psylocke insists on sticking around the guy she pretty much had to kill to save the world. It's like being an alcoholic and going to Ocktoberfest. It's not very healthy, but when you're that fucked up what else can you do?

Despite losing two members and having absolutely no strategy, Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler continue the mission to save Deadpool from White Sky.They arrive to find some well-armed resistance that don't take kindly to clients that don't make appointments. So a nice bloody fight erupts, which is always expected and welcome in the pages of Uncanny X-Force. During the wanton violence, Wolverine does a little narrating to muse over how fucked up it is to turn people into living weapons. It may make for a good business model if you're in the killing biz, but given his history it's like a billion kicks in the balls. He also talks about how being in X-Force allows him to pretty much be the monster he was trained to be. Again, it's not a very healthy way to cope with his issues and he admits that. He might be better off getting therapy from Dr. Phil, but that would make for a shitty comic.

The battle against White Sky's underpaid administrative staff goes off without a hitch. Wolverine's anti-Cyclops style of having no strategy and just tearing into shit works okay here. Where it doesn't work is when the enemy hits him with some unexpected surprises. Pretty much anyone who is partially competent in battle or has played no fewer than two hours of Battlefield 3 online knows that unexpected surprises are the difference in most battles. This time it comes in the form of a new group of baddies called the Omega Clan. They have all the trappings and psychosis as Wolverine's old buddy Omega Red. And since they had the element of surprise, they were able to take them down and promise to ruin their day even more after having lost two members. In terms of bad days, this ranks right up there with walking in on your boss while he's fucking your girlfriend and eating the last of your mints.

The ranks of X-Force are being depleted, but the stories it sets up are still going strong. X-Force may have a very violent and bloody premise, but it has never shied away from drama. First it was drama between lovers with Psylocke and Angel. Then it was drama with family between Psylocke and her brother. Now that drama has spread throughout the team. The idea of being a killer on a kill squad has finally gotten to Psylocke and right when a new threat in the Omega Clan is emerging. It leaves Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Deadpool in a pretty tough position. It also puts Genesis and everyone at the Jean Grey Institute in the crossfire. It has all the makings of an awesome Uncanny X-Force story and it doesn't need to pit two superhero teams against one another to do it.

The only part that seems to be missing from this issue are the finer details. Little things like how Deadpool got his disguise and why Psylocke is suddenly okay with kissing people now just seem underdone. It's definitely implied that some will be fleshed out later in the arc, but it still feels a bit rushed at times. It's not excessive. The issue still carries itself at a solid pace, dedicating sufficient time to setting up the threat with the Omega Clan while continuing to explore the aftermath of the Dark Angel Saga. You never get any sense that Rick Remender doesn't have a plan. This isn't one of those comics where the writer just gets drunk and plays shit by ear. That's what fanfiction is for and Uncanny X-Force is way better than that.

This new arc holds a great deal of promise. Not only does it introduce a new threat, but it promises to bring the events of Uncanny X-Force right into the domain of the Jean Grey Institute. While Uncanny X-Force may walk to the beat of it's own drum, it still is a major part of the larger X-men universe and with stories this awesome that's definitely a good thing. Uncanny X-Force #25 may lack a few details here and there, but it's still as solid an X-book as you'll find. I give Uncanny X-Force #25 a 4.5 out of 5. If you cannot find something to like about a story that involves undercover agents, pity sex, and kill squads struggling to maintain their membership then you either have really fucked up standards or you have no soul. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #266 - Provoking Awesome

I tend to respect differences, no matter how fucked up they may be. It's not just because I'm an overall understanding person. It's just hard to give too much of a shit when you're drunk or stoned. I suppose that's why I find it so easy to enjoy comics that involve characters constantly butting heads about little things, big things, ugly things, sexy things, and pretty much every other kind of things. That's what makes for kick-ass stories. Sometimes those disagreements and divides make for some pretty chaotic stories, so much so that you need GPS and a Native American tracking guide to keep up. I'm at an advantage because I've been following these comics so closely that if you gave me some snow and got me drunk enough, I could paint out a detailed timeline with my piss. Not everyone has that kind of talent or that kind of attention span so at times, it's easy to get lost.

Therein lies the problem with tie-in issues. Since Avengers vs. X-men began, it's weaved it's slithery tentacles into every major ongoing for Avengers and X-men like the IRS in Willie Nelson's finances. For casual readers, you'll get more lost than a blind transvestite at a male strip club. I understand Marvel tries their best to make their books accessible to new and lapsed readers. I also understand they try their best make each issue fit together in a coherent story, tie-ins and all. Well like even the best lesbian porno, you can't have your pussy and eat it too. You have to sacrifice one for the other. Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men both took the plunge into the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Now it's X-men Legacy's turn.

For the most part, X-men Legacy has only loosely followed the events at the Jean Grey Institute as they're laid out in Wolverine and the X-men. It tends to follow it's own plot and highlight it's own set of characters, usually following Rogue and finding ways for her to fantasize about Magneto's wrinkly ball sack. The last brief arc brought Mimic into the mix. It was the last story before X-men Legacy was set to join the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Unlike Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men, it comes after a few issues so it's a bit late to the party. If you're following one issue to the next, you'll probably be left scratching your head and questioning the potency of the weed you bought. I'm here to tell you know that you shouldn't do either. X-men Legacy is still it's own book, but for Avengers vs. X-men it has to be more flexible than a Chinese contortionist.

The events of X-men Legacy #266 take place after the events of Avengers vs. X-men #3 and Wolverine and the X-men #10. If you don't want to get completely confused, you kind of have to read Wolverine and the X-men #3. I normally don't like it when reading an issue of one series requires that you read an issue of a completely different series, but given the circumstances and the scale of Avengers vs. X-men it's understandable. The important facts to gather from Wolverine and the X-men is the decision by some of the Jean Grey Institute's staff to go along with Cyclops and fight with him against the Avengers. This issue takes place during some stretch of time before that issue ends (and since time is so fucked up in comics, I won't even try to rant about it). Rogue is addressing the staff, letting them know that shit is going down between the Avengers and X-men and they're probably going to get caught in the crossfire. They all are given a decision to go with Cyclops or stay at the school. Only Rachel and Iceman go, as was shown in Wolverine and the X-men #10. The rest just figure they'll stay at the school, hope the world doesn't blow up, and listen to teenage kids complain. I guess teaching teenagers has a way of hardening people to the end of the world.

Rogue and the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff do their best to pretend that the Phoenix is not on it's way to scorch the Earth. They continue teaching their class of students who probably have iphones and internet access, so they know what's going on. They know whatever bullshit algebra test they're being taught probably won't mean dick if the world is reduced to ashes, but like any dispassionate teacher that spends too much time working with snot-nosed teenagers the staff doesn't bat an eye. It's a significant exercise in ignorance is bliss, but ignorance has a shitty track record when the truth is practically thrust into the mix. In the middle of class, a team of Avengers consisting of Falcon, Moon Knight, and She Hulk show up at the steps of the institute. Even if the students aren't worried about the world being torched by the Phoenix Force, it still beats the shit out of algebra.

The students are told to stay inside while some of the institute staff members go out to greet their unwelcome guests. It's actually not quite as tense as it looks. Unlike Captain America in Avengers vs. X-men #1, these Avengers didn't show up with a fucking helicarrier at their back (possibly because Colossus destroyed it but that's besides the point). So their sincerity carries a bit more weight when they say they're not looking to pick a fight. Falcon calmly explains that even though the Jean Grey Institute took no part in the battle and took no sides, the Avengers are suspicious of them and want to keep an eye on them. It's like the CIA spying on a mosque that has done absolutely nothing, minus the illegal wiretapping. It gets pretty tense and there's some pretty blatant trash talking. Kitty Pryde tells them outright they're not welcome in the school, but they're welcome to stay back and count piles of dog shit outside the boundaries of the school if they want. The Avengers clearly don't like it, but they don't blindly pick a fight.

This is quite a shift from the events of Avengers vs. X-men or even the events of Wolverine and the X-men that this book play off of. It doesn't rush into a fight the way it did in Avengers vs. X-men, nor does it throw meaningless dialog into the mix like Wolverine and the X-men. Christos Gage does a great job of developing the tension here and he adds an element of drama when he shows the X-men's reluctant to pick a fight in front of their students. It doesn't just show a little heart. It shows the lingering difference between Cyclops's X-men and Wolverine's X-men.

While the two sides part without exchanging any bear-knuckle handshakes, Frenzy decides to linger a bit. Unlike the other X-men, she doesn't have a history of turning the other cheek. She used to be part of Magneto's crew of mutant terrorists. It wasn't until the power of Cyclops's penis pacified her that she gave the peaceful methods of the X-men a shot. That doesn't mean she's still okay with taking shit from the same heroes that used to want to lock her up. She essentially makes it clear that if they're going to watch them, then they're going to return the favor. If they cross a certain line, shit is going to go down. It further adds to the tension, but unlike the X-men Frenzy is okay with that.

Naturally the presence of big name superheroes looking for a reasons to bust up more mutants draws plenty of attention. While Rogue and the institute staff try to get class going again, Frenzy stays outside and continues her tirade of trash talk. Even Gambit tells her that just holding their ground in the institute is still asking for trouble. He suspects the Avengers are expecting to pick a fight. Frenzy certainly doesn't help this when she starts provoking Moon Knight, criticizing him for being the same thug she once was. It's the kind of trash talk you don't see in normal X-men that weren't once batting for the bad guys. It makes for far more engaging dialog than the shit that dragged on in Wolverine and the X-men. It becomes even more engaging when Moon Knight finally snaps and throws the first punch. That officially makes them the aggressors and now the X-men are the ones who have an excuse to respond.

Nothing rallies a team better than the mentality that they're being bullied. Since the Institute staff failed miserably at restoring order, the students at the Jean Grey Institute saw the whole incident play out. As far as they're concerned, Frenzy was just talking to Moon Knight about the whether when he decided to smack her around. As the battle erupts and Frenzy tries to defend herself, some of the students led by Hellion run out and attempt to back her up. It's not a fair fight by even the most retarded measures. These are students in ugly ass uniforms. They're taking on three seasoned Avengers. It's a fight that shouldn't last very long and it doesn't. One quick mega clap from She-Hulk and the three students are subdued and not in a very humane way either. In fact, she fucking injures them pretty bad. She say she didn't mean to, but She-Hulk is a fucking lawyer by trade. She of all people should know that the law is very clear when it comes to overpowering adults beating up on kids.

This makes for a very different kind of battle compared to what has been seen in other Avengers vs. X-men books. In the main story, the X-men were the ones striking the first blow. Cyclops was the one that stood his ground when Captain America came and demanded they turn over their mutant messiah. This time the Avengers are the ones that threw the first punch. They didn't have to make it a big spectacle, but then they had to go and beat up on the students who like most stupid teenagers will throw themselves into a conflict without thinking. It shows the Avengers as bullies in this instance, which makes for a very different battle.

That battle, unfortunately, doesn't get much time to unfold. When Rogue sees what She-Hulk did to the students, she ditches the whole keeping-the-peace bullshit. When someone roughs up her students, she roughs them up. So without giving She-Hulk a chance to explain herself, Rogue pulls her absorption trick and becomes muscular and green. Yet somehow she still looks incredibly hot. Maybe that's just because I pulled a groin muscle fucking a woman that was a part time body builder (amongst other things), but it's a great moment that begins the big fight between the Avengers and the Jean Grey Institute staff. The only problem is that's all it does. The comic ends before we can see much fighting. I get that cliffhangers are a part of the business, but when they feel this abrupt they're annoying as hell.

In my Wolverine and the X-men #10 review, I complained how it was mostly talk and very little action. I don't mind lots of dialog in a comic so long as it has depth. This issue had more action and a lot of talking, but both had a certain level of depth that made it engaging. Christos Gage actually tops Jason Aaron for once in setting up a conflict without being too basic or overly subtle. When the small contingent of the Avengers arrive at the Jean Grey Institute, it doesn't immediately erupt into mindless brawl. Gage actually builds towards it, having Frenzy flaunt that coarse personality that only Cyclops's penis was able to tame in Age of X. Eventually, that taunting turned to punches and after that first punch is thrown, there's no more need to build up. Asses need to be kicked and that's all there is to it.

This issue does a much better job of making the conflict more engaging. It's still a bit choppy at times. The biggest issue is how the story was set up. This issue enters the Avengers vs. X-men conflict long after it's already begun. The first few pages are basically spent reminding readers in a very vague sort of way what's happened. And while Rogue and Frenzy's moments are solid, the Avengers cast really isn't given all that much. They seem overlooked until one of them throws a punch. I know this is an X-men book and the X-men are going to get favor by default, but leaves the issue feeling somewhat imbalanced. In addition, it leaves the reader hanging way too much at the end. We only get to see the beginning of a fight and not a fight itself. While that does make for a nice cliffhanger, it also makes for an abrupt and frustrating end that may leave some readers banging their heads against the wall and/or nearby liquor bottles.

X-men Legacy has always been awesome in it's own unique style. It manages to maintain that style even as it works its way into Avengers vs. X-men, but by coming in this late it really doesn't leave the kind of impact one would hope. I get that Wolverine and the X-men and Uncanny X-men are more prominent titles, but that doesn't mean X-men Legacy can't contribute. Christos Gage does a good job of setting the stage in this issue. It just ends way too abruptly and doesn't feel complete enough. Therefore, I give X-men Legacy #266 a 4 out of 5. This issue has more than talking. It has the kind of trash talk that would get most NFL players fined and/or suspended. Plus, it has two hot women with green skin fighting. You can't get that shit anywhere else outside of a Tijuana donkey show. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 53: District X Part 2 is LIVE

It's been a big week for Marvel comics and I hope to add to it with the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I saw the Avengers movie and it certainly raised the bar for comic books everywhere. I have every intention of trying to meet that bar with X-men Supreme. I don't have Joss Whedon's star power or the resources to make a movie so I have to do the best with what I can offer. Right now, the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is my best contribution to the world of Marvel comics. It may not be much, but I'm making it the best it can be. X-men Supreme is in the midst of a major arc in Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. The X-men have crossed paths with the mutants of District X and it promises to lead to a very public mutant spectacle, not to mention a rather bitter family reunion between Cyclops and his brother. How bad will it get and how will the Friends of Humanity try to exploit it? Well it may not be as big as the final battle in Avengers, but it's here and it promises to make a mark on X-men Supreme.

Issue 53: District X Part 2

Also, I haven't forgotten about the pics section. I still have a number of pics for the Goblin Queen that I haven't gotten around to posting. I managed to get a few more posted this time around. You can check them out in the Goblin Queen section of the sexy X-Ladies area. I've gotten a few questions about the Goblin Queen lately and I just want to say right now that yes, she will show up again. I can't say whether or not it'll be in X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. That remains to be seen, but for now rest assure there will be some other famous X-women making their debut very soon!

It's a great time to be a Marvel Comics fan. I hope I can continue to add to it with the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I have some major events planned for X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. The seeds have already been sewn and if you've been following closely, you'll have some idea of what to expect! Once the District X arc is over, I hope to make a few updates to the bios section. I'm also always open to more contributions to the pics section. If you have anything you would like to submit, contact me and I'll be happy to post it. More importantly, please contact me and let me know what you think of this latest issue and every issue of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Feedback is very important and it'll only grow more important as X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope nears it's biggest event to date! Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Wolverine and the X-men #10 - Chatting Up Awesome

I'm of the opinion that the world would have a lot less war, poverty, and televangelism if more people just knew when to shut the fuck up. Rarely outside of a CIA interrogation at a prison in Yemen has anyone ever incurred a murderous wrath by just shutting the fuck up and minding their own damned business. It is simply not in our nature to speak with only as many words as we need to and not try to talk our fellow man to death. I don't know if it's some kind of innate drive like eating or masturbating to old Brittney Spears music videos, but I'm pretty sure crack is healthier.

Comics rely on shit that's flashy and visually striking. That's why every female character at Marvel and DC has no less than a C-cup bra size and no man looks like he spends less than six hours in a gym every day. Yet there's always a place for dialog. It's rarely a fucking Shakespeare play, but I can't remember too many comics where I complained that the characters did too much talking and not enough ass-kicking. What separates good comics from awesome comics is striking the right balance. For the most part, Jason Aaron hits that balance with the force of a million kicks to the balls. His Wolverine and the X-men series has been flashy, yet refined. There are so many stories worth following and so many memorable moments that involve everything from alien casinos to tormenting a couple of New York bureaucrats. So when Jason Aaron has to apply this balance to an Avengers vs. X-men tie-in, I'm usually more optimistic than most.

Wolverine and the X-men #10 is another tie-in issue. If you haven't stopped bitching and moaning about event books taking over ongoing series, go do it in another time zone because that shit isn't going to stop anytime soon. The bitchers and moaners should take some comfort in the knowledge that the last tie-in with Wolverine and the X-men #9 was pretty damn awesome in the way it fit the events of Avengers vs. X-men with this series. It set a high bar for this issue to meet and as someone who fell flat on his face in gym class on more than one occasion, I try not to be too optimistic.

Wolverine and the X-men #10 takes place after the events of Avengers vs. X-men #3. If you read that issue or just relied on my kick-ass reviews for your info (bless your heart and asshole if you trust me with such responsibility), you know that Wolverine kind of pissed off his fellow X-men by fighting against them and pissed off his buddies in the Avengers when they made it painfully clear they didn't know what the fuck they were doing to take on the Phoenix. By kind of I mean he got his ass thrown off a fucking plane. This issue picks up after he managed to drag his ass back to the Jean Grey Institute (how he did this is not explained, but I assume it involved sucking the dicks of a lot of truckers). He tells Kitty they're fucked and the Phoenix Force is going to burn their asses to a crisp. Then he gets a nice stiff drink, which I admit I would do if I knew the world was about to end. I'd also have six Russian hookers and a barrel of industrial strength lube with me, but that's another story.

Wolverine is given yet another reason to drink when he looks out the window and sees that he has an unwelcome visitor. It's Cyclops, Emma, and Magik, fresh off their escape from Avengers vs. X-men #3. He may need more than a few shots because the whole reason Wolverine formed the Jean Grey Institute was to both get away from Cyclops's methods and give him the finger by naming the school after his wife. Him being there partially defeats that purpose so when Wolverine approaches him, he's about as welcoming as Iran is to Lady Gaga or UN weapons inspectors. When Cyclops insists on talking, he sicks Karoka on him so that he can be partially digested. That would be pretty badass if Kieron Gillen hadn't done that shit already in Uncanny X-men during the Tabula Rasa arc. I get that some readers like to see Cyclops tormented, but those same readers like a little variety as well.

In addition to Cyclops's arrival, there's also an interesting side-conversation going on with Rachel and Iceman. A few issues ago, Iceman learned that his old buddy, Angel, has his brain essentially rebooted after the events of the Dark Angel Saga. Now he's nuttier than my shit after I eat a box of snickers bars, thinking he's a real angel and not a rich guy with a hot Asian girlfriend. Rachel tells him she's been trying to find any trace of Warren Worthington III in his mind, but has come up more empty than the Buffalo Bills in the Superbowl. Thank you Scott Norwood!

This conversation is both relevant and important because the ongoing story with Angel has been unfolding for a few issues now, before even Avengers vs. X-men. In addition, the other mind-fucked relic from the Dark Angel Saga, Genesis, has his own shit to deal with. He doesn't know he's Apocalypse, but he's smart enough to do a fucking Google search to know there's a resemblance. Both he and Angel are essentially linked. It shows in how Angel demonstrates how fucked up he is by trying to fly so high that he reaches heaven and how Genesis muses about who he is while looking up old info on Apocalypse. Maybe someone should tell Genesis that Hope Summers is perfectly fine being a Jean Grey rip-off and someone should tell Angel that heaven isn't in the sky. It's a topless bar near the airport in Newark.

While this ongoing plot with Genesis and Angel is interesting, this issue is still an Avengers vs. X-men tie-in. So that shit should be front and center, right? Well if by front and center you just mean Cyclops and Wolverine doing a lot of talking, then you're in luck. That's pretty much what we got for a good chunk of the comic. What they talk about isn't all that ground-breaking. They aren't going to kiss and make up after the shit that went down with Schism. And Wolverine sure as hell isn't going to fight alongside Cyclops against the Avengers, despite Captain America throwing his ass out of a plane in mid-flight. The core of their debate is simply that Wolverine thinks Cyclops is fucking crazy for thinking he can use the Phoenix Force to kick start the mutant race. Cyclops is just trying to convince Wolverine that it's a chance worth taking. It's a point that's made with way too many words and not in a very compelling manner. During Schism, Jason Aaron made every angry word these two said to one another count. Here, it just feels like a waste.

Actions tend to speak louder than words. That's why when your roommate steals your weed you don't just calmly explain why that shit's not cool. You whip out a can of lighter fluid, set his room on fire, and sing Disco Inferno. It gets the message across and so does Genesis catching Angel when it's clear he did way too good a job at proving he's not a real angel. It makes for a pretty compelling moment because it shows Genesis's insecurities about being associated with Apocalypse. He confides in Angel, who for a time was Apocalypse and was regularly screwed over by his tyrannical ass. Yet these two share a bromantic moment of sorts with Angel convincing him he can be his own tyrant so to speak and he can be there to save his ass when one too many brain cells short out.

A lot more is said with Angel and Genesis than with Wolverine and Cyclops. They talk and accomplish pretty much nothing as a result. Wolverine makes it clear that he's not going to fight alongside Cyclops or go crawling back to Captain America either, which I guess is just his way of saying he's going to get drunk and wait to see if the world ends (which is how I plan on spending Christmas this year for the Maya Doomsday prophecy). But as he prepares to kick Cyclops out of the school for which he named after his wife, some of his staff choose to go with him.

It was revealed in Avengers vs. X-men #3 that already has Rachel working undercover. Now she and Iceman are going to tag along with Cyclops to see if and when he fucks the world up. That and fight against something that killed their friend/mother from another dimension. Even Angel joins in, having accepted that he's no angel and he needs to find less dangerous ways to be holy. I guess taking on a cosmic firebird works just as well. So Cyclops's visit isn't a total loss. Plus, it is sort of a fitting fuck you to Wolverine, taking some of his staff while he goes off to battle the Avengers. It ensures that the scars from Schism will continue to fester like rectal warts.

But just as Cyclops leaves with his new crew, another threat emerges that ensures Wolverine won't be able to spend Avengers vs. X-men getting drunk and watching his collection of Asian porn. His school still enrolls the arrogant, narcissistic son of Gladiator from the Shi'ar Empire. And since the Shi'ar tend to shit themselves whenever the Phoenix shows up, they do what any responsible advanced alien civilization would do and send a kill squad to go deal with it. This wouldn't be the first time either. These are the same alien goons that thought it was necessary to butcher Jean Grey's entire family during the End of Greys arc. It would have been easier to just take a shit on her grave, but that's not enough for the Shi'ar. Now they're on Earth and they gotta butcher the girl who looks like Jean that may or may not be the new vessel of the Phoenix Force. So even though this issue was mostly talk, it still sets up for some pretty fucked up action.

A lot was said in this issue and not a whole lot was done. While it's always fun to see Wolverine and Cyclops bicker about everything from hot redheads to who has the smelliest shit, it's not nearly as fun when nothing really comes from such bickering. Last time they bickered in Schism, it was a heated philosophical debate that ended with them bloodying each other in ways that would have Rocky Balboa tapping out. This time it was essentially a reminder that Wolverine hates Cyclops and he hates him enough to not support his ass even when the world is about to end. It didn't need to be nearly as big a talk as it was, taking up a good chunk of the issue. But it did and it left you feeling like you paid for a lap dance, but only got to see a single boob. While boobs are always nice, it's not what you paid for.

The situation with Wolverine and Cyclops was definitely the most pressing because it involves shit that may end the fucking world as we know it. Yet the side-plots Jason Aaron developed with Genesis and Angel were actually more compelling in some ways. That's a story that's been unfolding since the events of the Dark Angel Saga and while it has no bearing whatsoever on AvX, it did offer promise of a very unusual friendship between two forces that used to try and kill each other every other Tuesday after American Idol. Again, a lot was said, but not much was done. Yet what was said had some weight, which really couldn't apply to the rest of the issue. In fact, the biggest moment of action was Cyclops being digested by Karoka. As much fun as it is to see Cyclops get digested, that shit was done before in Uncanny X-men on Tabula Rasa. It gets old after a while and I have only so much weed available to make old ideas interesting.

Wolverine and the X-men #10 isn't a terrible book, but it's one of those books you could probably skip and not miss a damn thing. All you really need to know with this book is that it has Cyclops and Wolverine talking, Genesis and Angel becoming BFFs, and a couple of Wolverine's staff members joining Cyclops's little vendetta against the Avengers. There's not much else beyond that. Jason Aaron's usual balance has pretty much fallen and broken a couple of bones in the process. It's nothing that can't heal, but it missed that high bar that was set by the previous issue by a laughably wide margin. Wolverine and the X-men #10 gets a 3 out of 5. If you like seeing comic characters yapping away like a deadbeat dad on Dr. Phil, this comic should give you something to read the next time you're taking a shit. If you like seeing comic characters actually fight each other and follow a more thorough plot, there are no fewer than 183,029 other stories to follow. Nuff said!