Weaving A New Web: Silk #1

The following is my review of Silk #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Not too long ago, strong female characters were like unicorns. Everybody had a concept of them, but nobody could honestly say they had seen one. It feels like comics, movies, and TV shows have only recently figured out the successful formula for making good female characters. They don’t have to be overtly sexual like Catwoman. They don’t have to be overly tough like Michelle Rodriguez in every movie she’s ever been in. They just have to be interesting in their own unique way. That really shouldn’t be such an alien concept. And yet, successful female characters still feel like an anomaly.

Characters like Kamala Khan, Princess Elsa, and whatever character Scarlett Johannsen plays in a movie have finally set the bar for what a successful female character should be. In that context, the jury is still out on Cindy Moon. She was one of the best concepts to come out of Original Sin. So far, she hasn’t been revealed to be a clone so she still has the potential to be in the same league as Kamala Khan.

Since her story began, she’s been a supporting character for Spider-Man and Spider-Woman. At times, she’s been a lost soul trying to find her place in a world she missed out on. Then there are times when she exists to make Peter Parker’s life more awkward, as only a cute young woman can. She’s not exactly a feminist icon, nor is she a character ripped from one of Hugh Hefner’s fantasies. Now she has her own solo series to show that she can be more than cuter version of Joe Pesci. And the results in Silk #1 show that Cindy Moon is still a work-in-progress.

In terms of being a hero, Silk is still a toddler who can’t stop spilling her juice cup. She has a hard time holding her own in a battle against a C-list villain like Dragonclaw. She still needs an assist from Spider-Man to keep herself from falling too hard on her face. She’s not a damsel, but she’s no She-Hulk either. She essentially a late-round draft pick in a class that has already produced some incredible talent. She’s not Tom Brady, but she has earned herself a starter role.

What makes Silk’s story so compelling is that it’s very different from Peter Parker’s. She didn’t fail to save or uncle or witness the murder of her parents. She was a victim of deception and fear. She was sequestered for a good chunk of her life because someone convinced her that she was a target and she did what might have sounded like a good idea to a scared teenager. Now, years later, she’s trying to rebuild her life without fear. She’s like one of those paranoid families in the 1950s that built bomb shelters because they thought nuclear war was imminent. Now they have to adjust to a life where the biggest threat comes from shoe bombers and kids who aren’t vaccinated against the measles.

The adjustment for Silk is what gives this story its unique flavor. Cindy Moon doesn’t just discover her powers and struggle over how to use them. That’s actually the easiest part of being sequestered for the better part of a decade. The real challenge is trying to adapting her life to a world where N’sync is no longer together and Carson Daily is no longer a relevant celebrity.

It’s a challenge that Cindy struggles with both in and out of costume. At times, she falters in a painfully human way. It doesn’t involve clones or mutant spiders. It involves a young woman trying to find her place in an unfamiliar world. She still struggles in ways that a young Peter Parker often struggled. She has a hard time with her new job. She has to learn to resist the urge to roll her eyes every time J. Jonah Jameson twists the facts to denigrate Spider-Man. It’s familiar, but there are some key differences.

There are still parts of Cindy Moon’s developing history that haven’t been resolved. The most pressing issue involves her family. They disappeared shortly after she went into the bunker and she’s made it her mission to find them. It’s a mission where she makes only limited progress, but it’s made compelling through recollections of Silk’s family life. This helps give some emotional weight to Silk’s motivations and it’s the kind of weight that further sets her apart from Peter Parker. So long as she doesn’t get cloned, this counts for a lot.

It also helps that her home life was different from Peter Parker’s. Her family wouldn’t exactly be guest stars on Jerry Springer, but they do establish that Cindy Moon had a home life that’s worth protecting. The problem is that fighting C-list villains like Dragonclaw and getting limited advice from Peter Parker don’t help her make much progress. In terms of the overall development of her story, she doesn’t get beyond the exposition. However, it does mean that there won’t be much excitement for those not entertained by Silk fighting Dragonclaw.

The scope of Silk’s story might not be at an epic scale, but Silk #1 does successfully establish why Cindy Moon is worth caring about. She’s dealing with issues that are decidedly different than the ones Peter Parker has been dealing with since the Nixon Administration. She’s adjusting to a world that’s overwhelming even for those who haven’t been locked in a bunker for a decade. She’s also trying to save her family in a way Peter Parker never got a chance to. And she has to do this while establishing herself as an inexperienced superhero.

Cindy Moon is definitely one of those characters who could have her own legion of cos-players at some point. She hasn’t achieved that status just yet, but she’s on her way to earning it. If she can tolerate working for J. Jonah Jameson, then she’s capable of standing with the rest of Marvel’s growing pantheon of powerful female heroes.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

A Step Back From Amazing: Amazing Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Amazing Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

What is it that makes Spider-Man amazing? It's a question with many answers and that range of answers is a big reason why Spider-Man has had such vast appeal over many decades. This is a hero who doesn't carry himself as traditional heroes and not just because he got his powers at as a teenager. Peter Parker, as a character, resonates with people in a way characters like Superman, Batman, and Captain America can never hope to do. Few people outside Donald Trump and Peyton Manning know what its like to have superhuman ability or billions of dollars in resources. But Peter Parker, despite having superhuman abilities, is defined by the everyday struggles that so many can relate to. This is what makes him amazing.

However, it's because of those qualities that Amazing Spider-Man #1 has a distinctly unamazing impact. That's not to say it doesn't present Spider-Man in a way that embodies all those qualities that fans have come to know and love. It's the circumstances that have been established as a result of Superior Spider-Man that make these qualities akin to the wrong ingredients in a cake. The premise itself isn't the problem. Peter Parker is back, having regained control over his body from Doctor Octopus. Now he's trying to rebuild his life in a way he's never had to do before. But in doing so, he takes a step back from being amazing and several steps forward to regression.

This gets back to those qualities about Spider-Man that makes him so amazing. He struggles to balance his responsibilities with the real-world problems of his life. But anyone who has ever made it past their teen years intact and only slightly traumatized is still able to make some kind of progress with their lives. They seek higher education, greater training, new jobs, and new opportunities. Sometimes they slip up, but even in those instances most competent people move forward. Well in his first issue back from limbo, Peter Parker gives the impression that he has made little progress as an adult or a hero for that matter. If he were a real person, he would be the kind of guy who habitually crashes on the couches of willing friends and never sees the flaws in his methods.

This is best demonstrated in the battle against a colorful team of thieves that call themselves the Menagerie. They're basically a team of cos-players with fancy gadgets and humanoid hippo for muscle. They're the kind of ridiculously tacky villains that Spider-Man faces all the time. While it was refreshing to see Spider-Man with a sense of humor again, his incompetence was anything but humorous. If anything, it was an ominous sign that Peter Parker is falling back into old habits. This would be tragic and compelling if he were a drug addict. But as a superhero, it's like a grown man trading a motorcycle for a tricycle.

It wasn't that the Menagerie getting the better of him. It's a matter of him going back to his old methods, abandoning the infrastructure and resources that Doctor Octopus acquired as the Superior Spider-Man. He ditched the new suits and all the fancy gadgets and went back to basics. This might be good from a conceptual standpoint for the issue, but from a pragmatic standpoint he might as well be a cop exchanging his gun for a musket. The Menagerie reveal why using just a normal uniform made out of the same threads that make up discount apparel at Wal-Mart is a bad idea. Peter Parker is literally and figuratively exposed in a way that Doctor Octopus never was.

But it isn't just losing his uniform and web-swinging in his underwear that demonstrates his regression. He carries himself around Parker Industries, the company that Doctor Octopus founded under his name, like an unpaid intern pretending to be his boss for a day. He tries to save face around his co-workers and investors. Yet even he admits to himself that he has as much business savvy as kid running a lemonade stand.

It doesn't bode well for him building on the foundation that the Superior Spider-Man laid out for him. In fact, it already shows cracks in the foundation. When Peter had a chance to pick out one of the many costumes Doctor Octopus created, he picked the one that had the least amount of utility in helping him carry out his responsibilities. And he picked it for no other reason than because it felt familiar. He might as well have been wearing his favorite pair of pants long after a hole formed in the back.

This isn't just a matter of classic "Parker luck" as it's often called. It's a matter of not learning from mistakes. The old uniform may look iconic, but even Batman is smart enough to use new gadgets every now and then. And unlike before, Peter has the resources of his own company to help him. He has these options and he doesn't use them. That isn't just incompetent. It's blatantly irresponsible, which makes it hard to root for him even against a team of villains as ridiculous as the Menagerie.

That irresponsibility sets the stage for an uncomfortable confrontation with Anna, the woman Doctor Octopus dated while he was in Peter's body. It also sets the stage for an all too familiar conflict between Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson. A bonus story even sets up the return of a very upset Black Cat who is intent on torturing Spider-Man the same way every villain he's ever encounter has fantasized about. These are all classic themes about Spider-Man that fans have come to expect over the years. And the way they unfold in this issue is not the problem. The problem is that Peter Parker insists on using the same approach he's always used, even though the Menagerie just proved its flaws. Jameson and Black Cat have excuses, but Peter Parker does not. It's an instant where reverting back to classic themes make for a choppy and somewhat predictable narrative.

In its efforts to recapture all those amazing qualities that make Spider-Man who he is, Amazing Spider-Man #1 sends Peter Parker down the road to regression. The humor is back, the classic themes have returned, and the tone is much more upbeat than it was during Superior Spider-Man. But bringing Spider-Man back to basics in the context of the story paints a less-than-amazing picture. Every character not named Peter Parker comes off as compelling while Peter Parker just comes off as a guy who refuses to be the superior Spider-Man that Doctor Octopus told him he could be.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Superior Spider-Man #1 Spoiler - You-Know-Who Might Not Be Dead After All

A while back, I got a little too drunk and posted spoilers for Amazing Spider-Man #700, which had been prematurely leaked in ways that would get most men fired from a porn set. It triggered the biggest comment/flame war on my blog since its inception. I’ve made so blatantly offensive remarks about men, women, animals, politicians, America, Japan, and teenagers yet the outcome of one comic triggers more outrage. Maybe I’m just not an overly offensive drunk or maybe I just need to channel my inner Rob Parker more.

The underThe underlying source of the outrage was pretty understandable. Dan Slott, after supplying a steady stream of awesome on Amazing Spider-Man, apparently pissed it all away when he swapped Peter Parker’s mind with Otto Octavious and apparently killed Peter Parker while in Doc Ock’s body in Amazing Spider-Man #700. That leaves Doc Ock free to enjoy Peter’s youth and shack up with Mary Jane. It’s as epic a win as any villain has ever accomplished in the comics.lying source of the outrage was pretty understandable. Dan Slott, after supplying a steady stream of awesome on Amazing Spider-Man, apparently pissed it all away when he swapped Peter Parker’s mind with Otto Octavious and apparently killed Peter Parker while in Doc Ock’s body in Amazing Spider-Man #700. That leaves Doc Ock free to enjoy Peter’s youth and shack up with Mary Jane. It’s as epic a win as any villain has ever accomplished in the comics.
  While I could list no fewer than 928,209,056,015 ways why that’s fucked up, it may not be as clear cut as us temperamental comic book fans may think. Today, Marvel released Superior Spider-Man #1, a book that promises to tell the story of how Doc Ock turns Spider-Man into a flaming douche-bag while shitting all over Peter Parker’s life. But in a major spoiler leaked by our good friends at Bleeding Cool, it looks like Peter might not be as dead as we think. I’m not high enough right now to articulate it so I’ll let the spoilers speak for themselves.    



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So Peter Parker is now a ghost, a glorified Jimminey Cricket that keeps Doc Ock from fucking up his life too much. He still doesn't get to bone Mary Jane though so I'm not sure how glorified it really is. Never-the-less, it seems to indicate that Peter isn't entirely gone and hasn't been replaced by a token minority either. So he might actually play a role in this series. Is it enough to satisfy angry Spider-Man fans? I doubt it, but I also doubt Marvel gives three eights of a shit so long as they buy the comic. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 Update, Spoilers, and Drunken Advice

Well, I hope everybody had a great Christmas, complete with presents, family, and eggnog mixed with 80 proof whiskey. But like the hangover that often follows when you challenge your uncle to a drinking game while watching "A Christmas Story," Marvel finds ways to make the end of the holidays suck donkey dick just a little bit more.

A while back, I posted detailed spoilers about Amazing Spider-Man #700, which was finally released today despite everyone with an internet connection and poor impulse control having access to the details for nearly two weeks. It was a post that generated a level of outraged and pissed off that I haven't seen since I last went to a Philadelphia Eagles game. I'm not going to give any spoiler warnings this time. I have no sympathy for people who get pissed off after clicking on a link where the word "spoilers" is in the fucking title. Either don't click or relax. Hell, there are pills out there that'll help your lazy ass if you think it's too hard. But relaxing may not be possible here because the events of Amazing Spider-Man have many Spider-Fans both scratching their heads and hitting it with a sledge hammer.

You don't need to know a whole lot about the details of the story. Doctor Octopus switched minds with Peter Parker. Now he's in Peter's body and in Amazing Spider-Man #700, the final confrontation had Peter die in Doc Ock's body, leaving Doc Ock in Peter's body. A more detailed assessment was posted today, courtesy of the fine folks at Newsarama. I can only imagine the staff that wrote this is going to be out with a concussion for the rest of 2012 after banging their head against the wall, but for that reason I respect their work a great deal.

Newsarama: Marvel's Amazing Spider-Man Ends, Revealing Superior Spoilers

There's some crazy bullshit about Peter's memories and experiences flashing before Doc Ock and somehow that is enough to turn him from a homicidal douche-bag into a guy who wants to be a hero just as much as he wants to bang Mary Jane. Because that's such a logical path for a story to follow. After all, don't we turn hardened criminals into upstanding members of society by merely having them experience recordings of great men and women doing the right thing? Oh wait, we don't? Then how the fuck does this shit make a lick of sense?

Above is a completely inaccurate portrayal of going from douche-bag to hero.

I'm not going to be completely cynical, despite whatever drunken inclinations I may have. There are some people that can turn their lives around. It happens all the time. I'm sure that before Michal Vick's cognitive functions were completely undermined by concussions, he did make a solid change in his thought process after losing $100 million and going to jail and becoming the most reviled athlete who doesn't play for the New York Yankees. But that kind of self-reform takes time, commitment, and work even in comics. Characters like Hawkeye and Magneto were able to reform themselves into semi-heroic characters, but that shit took years and a fuck-ton of compelling stories. For Doc Ock, all it took was a quick powerpoint presentation of Peter Parker's memories. And some how that shit is enough?

I don't want to belabor this point, but I bring it up to highlight what I'm sure has pissed a fuckton of fans off. Now Peter Parker isn't just dead in Amazing Spider-Man. He's effectively been reduced to nothing more than a collection of memories and experiences. He's not even a fucking character anymore. He's just a concept for Doc Ock to exploit. I may be a drunk, but even I find that to be a bullshit way to treat a character, fictional or otherwise. Now the hero that preached with great power comes great responsibility is a mind-swaped supervillain parading around as Peter Parker. And we're supposed to find it compelling that the asshole who did so many dick moves in the history of the comics is now just shrugging his shoulders and is content to be the guy he hated more than anyone? I did as many bong hits as I could to wrap my mind around this and all I got was no answers and an insatiable appetite for Doritos.

And as the comments on my first post indicated, there are plenty of fans out there who are pretty pissed about this. There are some screaming at the top of their lungs, "FUCK YOU, MARVEL! I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER COMIC BOOK AGAIN! MAY MEPHISTO SODOMIZE YOU WITH A FLAMING SPIKED DICK FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Granted, that may be a little excessive, but there's a problem with that approach...it's exactly what Marvel wants.

And this brings me to why I'm writing this post after a holiday hangover. Marvel is not stupid. They're a successful business that has been around for decades and makes a fuckton of money with their movies, comics, cartoons, and what not. And like every single publisher since the beginning of writing has noticed, shock and outrage get you attention. And in this society of zombie-like consumerism, attention is all you need to get sales. That's what Marvel is after...sales. And as much as it may sicken some fans, shit like Amazing Spider-Man #700 sells. Some may think, "Yeah, it sells well, but..." But nothing! After that purchase is made and the money has changed hands, Marvel and the business that serves them officially stops giving a shit. You bought their shit. Now you have to eat it. At the end of the day, you're the one with the shitty breath. Not Marvel. They only do what they believe will sell. They're a fucking business. For them to NOT do that would not only be fucking retarded, it would be financially irresponsible to them and their investors.

So with this in mind, I have a message for the many upset Spider-Man fans out there. This may be the most unhealthy advice I could give you without hooking people up with the guy I buy pot from, but don't vent your outrage. Don't yell, scream, and protest Marvel's decisions by writing letters, posting angry remarks on message boards, and harassing writers. That shit only encourages them because it indicates that a lot of people actually give a shit about their product. And they're smart enough to know that the assholes that yell at them probably still bought their shit. If they could respond, they would probably say, "I'm sorry, but I run out of fucks to give every time that purchase becomes final. So shut the fuck up and let me go back to wiping my ass with your money!" It may be counter-intuitive. Fuck, it's probably the most counter-intuitive thing a human being could do. When you feel like someone has kicked you in the balls, you want to kick back. But that doesn't actually solve anything. It only empowers the asshole doing the kicking. So please, if you're really that upset, do NOT respond. Do NOT voice your outrage. And above all, do NOT give Marvel your fucking money. Otherwise, you'll just get shit like this.

A douche-bag criminal gets to bone a hot woman. This is why the world sucks.

I'll make one final point before I lay this issue to rest. Marvel, Disney, DC, and every company like them feed on outrage. There really is no such thing as bad publicity for them. They're not politicians or celebrities. When people hate their guts, it actually helps them. They don't fear outrage. They don't fear fan hatred. The one thing they fear and do everything possible to avoid is apathy. Let me say that word again and bold it for you: APATHY. Do you know what that word means? It means not caring and having no visible emotional response. You may be fuming on the inside, but if you don't indicate to Marvel or anyone that you give a shit then what else are they supposed to conclude? This is the key. This is what cancels books, undoes big events, and gets people fired in publishing. It's apathy. When people are apathetic, Marvel and everyone like them stops doing what they're doing because naturally they say, "Fuck, this isn't working! Let's do something else!" It's like dealing with a child off his meds. They crave attention and the only effective way to stop reinforcing their shitty behavior is to ignore them. Kids go fucking crazy when they're ignored. Marvel and every business like them will do the same.

So to all the Spider-Man fans out there and comic book fans in general, I give to you this final holiday gift. It is the ultimate A-bomb for comics...apathy. This is how you send the message that this shit doesn't work. This is how you bring about change. Not by bitching and moaning about it, but by not responding at all. The response isn't immediate, but in the long run it works. It's a very hard thing to do and that's exactly why it's so effective. We fans have the power. And in the spirit of the now dead Peter Parker, we have the responsibility to use it. Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man #700 and UN-Amazing Spoilers

I did it once and I pissed a few people off in the process. So I'm doing it again because I'm a drunk and I stop giving a shit after a certain number of shots! I'm going to spoil another landmark issue of Amazing Spider-Man that has Marvel has been billing as the biggest Spider-Man milestone since Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's last simultaneous fart together. Amazing Spider-Man #700 isn't just billed as this huge milestone for a comic. It's supposed to set the stage for a big relaunch called Superior Spider-Man. I'm not sure how he's supposed to be superior. Early indications seem to imply that he's meaner, tougher, and more of an overall asshole. Shit, if that's superior, then my high school gym teacher was practically a god. But it's still speculation at this point.

For now, we know that Doctor Octopus swapped minds with Peter Parker. So for a while now Doc Ock has been parading around in Peter's body, playing the part of a hero, and boning all his women. It's basically the ultimate "fuck you" from a villain. Peter, now stuck in Doc Ock's body, is trying to fight back by getting his body back before Doc Ock fucks his reputation, ruins his relationships, or gets him one too many STDs. Amazing Spider-Man #700 is supposed to show how it all ends. Well until now, we could only speculate. Then the fine folks at 4chan leaked images online and since I'm such a generous guy, I'm going to share them here on this blog! First off, a clear warning. If you scroll down further, you will see some very spoilerific images!

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I know the image quality is pretty shitty. It's the best I can do. But if it helps, here are a few more images that break down the final pages.

Hint, that's not Doc Ock that's lying dead in the street...not entirely anyways.

This confirms one rumor, namely about Spider-Man being more of an asshole. It's like giving my old gym teacher super-powers. No good can come of it.

Just some casual boasting to end it all. It's the kind of boasting that is not the mark of a hero or anyone who preaches shit like power and responsibility, but I guess Marvel just thinks that shit isn't cool.

So there you have it. This is the new Superior Spider-Man. I'm not going to go too deep into my opinions while I'm this drunk, but I will make one important note to those hardcore Spider-Man fans that I know will be outraged. This is EXACTLY what Marvel wants. They figured out back during One More Day, Ultimatum, Avengers vs. X-men, Disassembled, and the Clone Saga that no matter how outraged fans get, they still buy their shit. I'm not sure they understand it. I don't think they give three tenths of a shit anyways. But for some reason, outraged fans still buy their shit. Marvel doesn't fear pissing off their fans anymore. They only fear their fans getting apathetic. That's the biggest weapon against comics. Apathy. The day fans become apathetic is the day Marvel knows they made a huge mistake. And because of outrage, this book will sell and they won't care how pissed off the people buying it are. So from one fanboy to many others, we've no one to blame but ourselves for this shit. It's not Marvel. It's us. We're terrible. I'm an adult. I know how to deal with it. And when I can't, I drink. It's a perfect solution! Nuff said.

Amazing Spider-Man #698 Spoiler - Spoiling Your Thanksgiving Appetite

It's been a long time since I ever talked about a Spider-Man comic and for good reason. After One More Day, I basically shrugged my shoulders, threw up a little, got drunk, and moved onto other comics that didn't involve characters making deals with the devil or retconning 20 years worth of comics. And while I rarely pass up an opportunity to knock Peter Parker for his bullshit, I do keep up with Amazing Spider-Man from time to time. Even I'm not drunk enough to deny that Spider-Island was awesome. But with Amazing Spider-Man closing in on it's big #700 and poised for a relaunch under the very douchy sounding Superior Spider-Man logo, Marvel knows they have to do something big. Well like butt-ugly oil tycoon at a gold diggers convention, Dan Slott stood up and said "I could hit that!"


Dan Slott has already publically stated that he will probably have to go into hiding after Amazing Spider-Man #698. And earlier today, we found out why because scans of the issue were leaked online. Now I'm of the opinion that if you don't want spoilers, you shouldn't be browsing the internet in the first place. Aside from internet porn, we use the web to spoil ourselves rotten in ways that our ancestors could only dream of! As such, I've decided to get in on the act. This is a pretty big freakin' deal for anyone who has ever had a slight interest in Spider-Man. So here's one last warning. If you don't want to be spoiled, do NOT scroll down.      

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  Given that Marvel already did an elaborate gimmick about the death of Peter Parker, I'm not exactly banging my head against a brick wall. I do enough of that shit whenever Hope Summers is featured in a comic. But for die-hard Spider-Man fans, please be gentle on yourselves. You're only emboldening Marvel when they get such a crazy reaction. Then again, if it's crazy enough maybe they'll think twice about where they go with this. Who knows? But that's my spoiler for the day. Hope you enjoyed it! I try not to do it too often, but this was one instance where I just couldn't resist! Nuff said!

Amazing Spider-Man Movie Review: Unamazed and Underwhelming

I know this is later than Bristol Palin's last period. I know the Amazing Spider-Man movie came out a week ago and since then pretty much everybody, their brother, and their third cousin has reviewed or offered their input. I would have been among those, but this annoying shit called life got in the way. I won't say what it involved, but let's just say I wasn't in a position to make it to a movie theater last week and I may still have a bounty on my head in certain towns in Mexico. But I finally did manage to see it and since I have no other reviews this week, I figured I would at least let this horse finish the race.

Amazing Spider-Man was billed a fresh, juicy reboot. The first three Spider-Man movies with Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst made more money than the gross national product of Cambodia and earned more than its share of praise. I personally enjoyed all three of them. Some were better than others, but they were all movies you could sit through completely sober and still come out feeling good. Rather than risk making a Superman IV, Sony and Columbia pictures decided to just start from scratch again. This upset some people, but I thought it was a good decision. There's no use drawing out a series until it starts rotting like a cheese sandwich left in a parked car in Phoenix, Arizona. I think Batman and Robin as well as the X-men movies have shown how horribly that shit can go bad. Instead, Amazing Spider-Man was going to be different by keeping Peter Parker young and in high school while swapping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy. It's basically a redhead for a blonde. Hugh Hefner would call that a fair trade.

Who needs redheads anyways?

Unfortunately, rebooting the series also meant retelling Spider-Man's origin story, which is only slightly more well-known than the story of Jesus Christ. It also meant watching the same growing pains we saw in the first Spider-Man movie, albeit without Toby McGuire posing shirtless in front of the mirror. I guess Sony and Columbia decided they weren't going to win over the 50 Shades of Gray crowd with Andrew Garfield, but even if they did retell the origins story that doesn't mean the movie can't be good, right?

Well I'm sad to say that if all reboots were graded on a curve, Amazing Spider-Man would be that drooling, paste-eating kid in the classroom that set it. This movie wasn't awful. I didn't vomit uncontrollably like I did when I saw the third X-men movie. But this movie had so many facepalm moments that even I couldn't get drunk enough to enjoy it. They had the right actors. Andrew Garfield has a good presence on screen and Emma Stone is among one of the best rising stars that hasn't been busted for cocaine yet. Dennis Leary even took a break from fantasizing about every member of the New York Yankees suffering from explosive diarrhea to play Captain George Stacy. They just had a horrible script and a horribly disorganized plot.

Still not enough facepalms

The biggest problem had to do with Peter Parker's portrayal. In the comics, the first three movies, and pretty much every other major incarnation of Spider-Man, Peter Parker has been a scrawny geek who would be the last man alive to soak the panties of any of his female peers. Toby McGuire captured that persona well in the first Spider-Man movie. You really did believe that he was a nerd. Andrew Garfield never at any point sold that vital part of Peter Parker's character.

Instead, they opted to make Peter cooler. He didn't wear glasses. He wore contacts most of the time. He didn't walk around and run to catch up with buses that left him behind. He used a skateboard. And I can't remember the last time I met a science nerd who was into skateboarding. I met one girl in college who had the periodic table tattooed on her lower back as a tramp stamp. That's about it. Also, Peter was often bullied and made fun of in the comics. That happens here, but only because he tries to fight back against bullies. At one point he tries to stop Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's everyday douche-bag, when he's picking on someone else. So he was basically trying to play hero before he got his powers. That may be admirable, but that's a trait of Captain America and not Peter Parker.

Moreover, when Peter finally does get his powers, he comes off as the least likeable hero since the fucking Whizzer. A single spider bite not only gives him spider powers, but it teaches him how to fight. With no training whatsoever, he starts beating up assholes on a subway. At least in the previous movie, Peter got some experience as a wrestler. He doesn't get any of that shit here. Suddenly, he's so incredibly competent in his abilities to fight, you almost can't root for him because it's an insult to every hero and villain that ever put themselves through hell so they could learn to kick ass.

Real heroics takes years of training and a multi-billion dollar trust fund.

In addition to Peter's skills being completely contrived, his interactions with Gwen Stacy were pitiful. I'm not saying the dialog between him and Mary Jane in the first three Spider-Man movies was fucking Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. Here's how their dialog went.

Peter: So um you want to...

Gwen: Want to?

Peter: You know how...

Gwen: Yeah...I mean, sure.

Peter: So we can...

Gwen: Why not?

Gwen and Peter's conversations were so jumbled and retarded that I know kindergarteners that are more intelligible. Fuck, the Hulk was more intelligible in both his movies. Every time they were on screen together, I had to take a shot of bourbon that I sneaked into the theater (I can't be the only one that does that) so that my ears wouldn't start bleeding. Even at his most awkward in the comics, Peter is at least articulate when he's not making wise-cracks. He's supposed to be smart. He sounds fucking brain damaged in every moment with Gwen.

Yet for reasons that make less sense than quantum mechanics, Gwen falls for him. There's really no reason or chemistry between them. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the fuck she would be into him. Even after he revealed that was Spider-Man (at this point, fuck spoiler warnings), her reaction and demeanor was pretty much the same. In the comics Gwen and Peter had chemistry because Gwen was a sweet girl who saw through his nerdy exterior. If you didn't now anything about their history, you would be confused as to why she would be into him. He didn't save her life like he did with Mary Jane in the first movie (at first). He didn't try to impress her all that much. She just fell into his lap. Unless you've got a $100 bucks hanging out of your zipper at a strip club, that shit doesn't happen.

There's nothing you can say or do that won't make me want to jump your bone.

Aside from bad characterization and equally bad jokes about PMS, the overall flow of this movie looks like it was organized by a fucking drunk with carpel tunnel syndrome. The whole movie was ridiculously choppy. It would go from scene to scene in such a chaotic way that you can actually tell that there was more that was chopped out to keep the movie from being longer than the last Lord of the Rings movies. I normally don't notice that shit in a movie because most movies are coherent enough to at least make it looks like they're not cut together with scotch-tape. But this one was so painfully apparent that no amount of alcohol could mask it.

Now I know I'm ranting a bit here, but that's not to say that this movie didn't have it's moments. It had a lot of solid premises that had a great deal of potential. This movie actually utilized the complicated history of Peter Parker's parents, which definitely added some family elements that weren't shown in previous movies. It also had a great villain in the Lizard. If there was one highlight, it was definitely the journey of Curt Conners as he became the big menace that Peter had to deal with. But good ideas are only as good as the way in which they're portrayed and they were portrayed horribly here. I can't overlook that nor drink enough to make me forget.

Amazing Spider-Man may have not been awful, but given the benchmark the other three movies set it was painfully underwhelming. Sony and Columbia had a clean slate here and they essentially cobbled together a bunch of Spider-Man associated imagery and packaged it as a movie without giving much thought to the actual story. I doubt they give three licks of a Lion's scrotum because this movie is going to make them a fuckton of money no matter what critics say. However, the tag-line of this movie (which was never even said out loud mind you) is that with great power comes great responsibility. The folks that made this movie had the power to do this story we all know and love justice and they were just flat out irresponsible. They may be able to sleep in a pile of money while supermodels suck their dicks, but they're no better than the Lizard in this movie. That's why I give this movie a 2 out of 5. It's not Batman and Robin, but it's by far the weakest comic book movie I've seen since Green Lantern.

There's still hope for this series. This movie wasn't so bad that I would not give the sequel a chance. But it needs to go through some major fucking improvements to make up for this shit. There's a lot of story to tell with Spider-Man. They got the reboot out of the way and now they need take it 10 steps further. There are any number of ways they could make this awesome. Given how badly this turned out, they have the responsibility to use as many of those ways as possible for the sequels.

When in doubt, add another hot chick.

Ultimate Spider-Man #160: Death of Spider-Man SPOILED

I've made no secret of it. I fucking hate Ultimate after what was done in Ultimatum. This once great series has since become a sandbox for creators to get drunk and fuck over the characters that make Marvel their money. The stories they did after Ultimatum sucked so bad that after only two years, they're fucking rebooting the damn thing again! That's a gimmick, no matter what sort of bullshit they say to justify it. Leading up to it, they decided to kill Spider-Man. Because their logic is just so fucked up. "We killed off all these characters in Ultimatum, but fans didn't like it! I know how we can fix it! Let's kill someone else! How about Spider-Man? Yeah! Let's do that!" That shit makes about as much sense as it sounds. I could rant for hours about all the crap surrounding Ultimate and the Death of Spider-Man. I'm too drunk to do so. But thankfully, the associated press already spoiled the fucking issue so now people don't have to buy it unless their masochistic. So here it is!

Newsarama: Death of Spider-Man Spoilers

Here's the big secret. Peter Parker dies. That's it.

I wish I could say that it affected me. But after Ultimatum, any death in Ultimate is a fucking joke. In this same article Marvel has the balls to say that fans will embrace a new Spider-Man just as much as they embraced Peter Parker. I'm sorry, but in what fucking universe do fans embrace anyone more than Peter Parker as Spider-Man? They tried this bullshit with the Clone Saga back in the 90s and fans hated it so damn much that Marvel ended up retconning it! So what the fuck makes them think they can get away with it a second time? What the fuck are they smoking and where can I get some? Seriously, if you have any love for Ultimate, you're fucked. This is what they've been reduced to. They just kill the characters they can't get away with killing in 616. If that's all they can come up with, then what the fuck are they doing writing comics for a living? Doesn't that job require fucking creativity? Stay tuned. I may fully review this book just to really flesh out the bullshit. I'll borrow it from a friend. I won't give Marvel my money for this shit. After what they've done to Ultimate, they deserve nothing but a broken bottle of whiskey and a million middle fingers from every Ultimate fan that ever gave a damn. Nuff said!

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 - Handicapped Yet Still Awesome

I know there are a ton of Spider-Man comics out there with bigger names, bigger sales, and more mature plots. I also know that only following Marvel Adventures Spider-Man, a book marketed to kids, will leave limited opportunities to see blood, boobs, and big explosions (the three B's of most awesome comics). But what can I do? Ultimate Spider-Man is shit because the damn art looks like something schizoid drew while in mid-seizure and I still haven't been able to read 616 Spider-Man after One More Day. I used to have a healthy Spider-Man addiction with my comics. Now this is all I get. While my wallet may be grateful, it says a lot when the only palatable Spider-Man is the Marvel Adventures series.

It helps that this series is still pretty damn awesome despite not having the three B's and being a kids book. It also helps that in brings in a number of other familiar faces from the Marvel Universe from time to time and does a pretty damn good job of it as well. There are times when it missteps, like the previous issue. However, it usually finds a way to bounce back. The last issue fell short because it was too painfully obvious that this was a kids book. Unlike previous issues, it wasn't subtle enough. But it did move the story along and this issue picks up right from the events of that issue. That may not be a good thing, but at least Paul Tobin is respecting the continuity and not making deals with the devil to get around it. Fuck you, Mephisto!

The scars of the previous issue are literally felt when Peter walks into school the next day looking all beat up and bruised. These are the marks left by Bullseye, who worked Peter over pretty well two issues earlier and not in the Full Metal Jacket sort of way either. He rights it off as a hard fall for when he was taking pictures of Spider-Man. There's even a flashback describing it, even though any kid reading this will know it's bullshit. But that's not a bad thing. At least Tobin is attentive to detail despite the nanosecond attention spans of kids who forgot to take their Ritalin.

He and his girlfriend, Chat, play along with the story around friends like Gwen and Carter Torino (the new guy who happens to be the grandson of a crime lord). At least they try to until he reminds Carter that his family is a bunch of douche-bag gangsters. This is worse considering that Gwen has the hots for Carter and for whatever reason Carter is trying hard NOT to be his father's son. It's a plot that has been unfolding slowly over the past two issues, but it's been unfolding too slowly in many ways. It's like the 800-pound gorrilla in the room with the six foot boner humping a pineapple. You can't ignore it forever. That pineapple won't hold up forever.

Peter and Chat leave that problem behind (again) and focus on more pressing issues. The biggest issue is how is Peter going to be Spider-Man when he's got a busted arm? Is he really going to measure up when he's practically handicapped? Well in this case the benefit of dating a mutant shows. Just like in Ultimate Spider-Man, it helps to have a girlfriend with superpowers to pick up the slack. Chat shows this when they come across two thugs trying to mug a couple and she deals with it by sending an army of animals after the two guys, presumably to bite, piss, and drool over them. In some respects, it's slightly less desirable than a beating by Spider-Man. But it works and shows Peter's love life can be a benefit and not a liability as is so often been shown in those other shitty comics that Mephisto jerks off to.

While things are working out nicely with Chat and Peter, it's easy to forget that the one person who brought them together sort of got the raw deal. That person is Emma Frost. Yeah, that Emma Frost. In this series she's a teenager like Chat and like Chat, she had the hots for Peter (seriously, how can a dork like him get so many hot women wanting to jump his bone?). She's not quite her White Queen vindictive self yet, but she is still a bitch and she doesn't have the baggage she does in the current X-men comics. So in that sense this is the most balanced Emma Frost since Joss Whedon was still writing Astonishing.

Since her introduction to this series, she's taken on the role of a vigilante who isn't a stripper for once. Instead, she's a crime fighting detective who calls herself the Blond Phantom. It's a pretty hot title for a woman that most everyone in the Marvel Universe wants to bone, but she's a lot more watered down here in the sense she's still a teenager and she's friends with Chat. However, things have been strained between them lately and this has left her conflicted. It seems strange that Emma Frost would have that much of a heart, but since there was no Hellfire Club to make her a bigger bitch than she already is it makes sense.

Emma's appearance seems random, but it's a foreboding of things to come. That's not the only round of foreboding. Peter has to get a pep talk from Captain Stacy, who is one of the few who knows Peter's identity. He talks about how Peter has to stay out of the action for a while. When his arm is in a sling, that seems pretty damn obvious. But this is Peter Parker. He has to play macho for a bit. It's kind of pathetic, but when you remember this is a teenage Peter Parker we're dealing with here it's perfectly in character.

As soon as Peter finishes his little conversation with Captain Stacy, he gets a quick reminder of how much it sucks to be sidelined. He's on his way home when he comes across a traditional GTA style carjacking. He's obviously tempted to do something about it. That never happens and rather than be the Spider-Man everyone not named Jameson knows and loves, Daredevil comes in to steal his thunder. It's a nice way to bring in other Marvel characters as this series has been so prone to do. It's also a nice way to remind Peter just how much it sucks to be out of the action. It's like being benched in a football game. He's essentially Drew Bledso watching while some punk named Tom Brady takes his place.

He gets a cheap thrill out of seeing Daredevil. He also gets some extra motivation as well. He goes back to Chat who is already feeling the stress of being Spider-Man's backup. She can't even pick out a costume or a codename. She's ill-prepared to be Spider-Man's replacement. In other words, she is JaMarcus Russel of the Oakland Raiders, completely unfit to step up only not an overweight drug addict. Now excuse me while I change my name and address to avoid crazy Raider fans.

Flash forward a day and his school is on a field trip to see something called the Octavious exhibit, a tribute to the world of Doctor Octavious before he went batshit insane. Yeah, like nothing can go wrong there. Again, it's not very subtle. This is a kids comic. Paul Tobin can't afford to be too smart with kids who probably haven't learned how to find Switzerland on a map yet. This may qualify as being too obvious even for kids because I doubt even they would be surprised when Doctor Octopus comes storming in looking to be the douche bag we all know and love.

This isn't something a bunch of animals can solve by biting and pooping. So Peter does exactly what Captain Stacy warned him not to do, showing yet again how little respect even teenage heroes have for the authorities. Despite his injuries, he suits up and goes to attack Doc Ock. Now too his credit, this is pretty badass because he's able to hold his own. Anytime a hero goes into fight handicapped they deserve a little cred. Not only that, he still manages to pull off his trademark one-liners. To be able to do that through what has to be some burning pain shows this Spider-Man is way more badass than the poorly drawn Ultimate or devil loving 616 version.

However, being badass isn't enough to win a fight. Spider-Man does need help with this one and he gets it. This time it's not from Chat's animals. It's from the friend who once screwed her over, Emma Frost. She finally makes the call, patches things up with her BFF, and Emma suits up as the Blond Phantom to come help Peter. At first Doc Ock isn't impressed. His reaction is the kind of reaction that would piss a ton of feminists off, but Emma proves to be remarkably cool and assertive as fans of hers know her to be. That alone makes this Emma Frost more in line with her character than the bombastic butchering Matt Fraction is doing with his current Uncanny run.

She not only flaunts her power by showing that her mind can basically bitchslap Doc Ocks until he believes he's five-year-old girl who just pissed himself at day care. He also shows that she can distract him and without flashing him her boobs (which would have been far more appropriate if this wasn't a kids comic). It works out nicely. Doc Ock is distracted by a pretty girl, Spider-Man sees a window to move in and punch Doc Ock out cold, and that's that. Emma doesn't even let Peter say thank you. She just gives him a kiss and runs off.

Now there are a lot of great rewards to being a hero in Marvel Comics. Those rewards can be praise, redemption, and respect. But there are a great many who would gladly sacrifice that and a few limbs for a kiss from Emma Frost. That only makes readers love and hate Peter Parker even more. Once again, he attracts more hot tail than a rich rock star underwear model with a doctorate from Yale. Some guys have all the luck.

It's a great way to end the story. Spider-Man beats the bad guys despite his injuries and gets a kiss form a hot blond. Overall, that's a pretty solid victory if ever there was one. Of course Chat doesn't like it. Another woman kissing her boyfriend doesn't sit well, even if it is a friend. It doesn't help that Peter can't wipe that goofy grin off his face. Who wouldn't be grinning after a kiss from Emma Frost? It's only fitting he get brought down a peg before his ego gets too big.

It all makes for an issue that feels very complete. This issue didn't hide from the previous issue even if it did suck. It also moved some long-standing plots forward, even if it wasn't by much in some areas. It even offers a compelling plot point that is underutilized even in the mainstream comics. It shows what Spider-Man has to do when Peter Parker is injured. It's great stuff that will make some think "Why the fuck do they tell this only in the fucking kids books and not the main books?" Well unlike those main books, this one doesn't suck.

There's not a lot to hate about this book. It shows equal amounts of Peter Parker and Spider-Man. It throws in some relationship drama and highlights the rough logistics of being a hero that so often go unnoticed. And it has Emma Frost. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being difficult. As I said earlier, it's easy for this series to bounce back from a lousy issue. This one certainly did and in a very big way. Paul Tobin once again shows that you don't need deals with the devil or shitty anime art to make a good Spider-Man comic. You just need Peter Parker, the women that love him, and some web-swinging action and that's it!

The final score for Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 is a well-deserved 5 out of 5. If you're a Spider-Man fan, you'll have little to be disappointed about here. If you're still bitter about One More Day and the shitty art of Ultimate, this is more than enough to scratch that spider itch. Nuff said.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5 - Mellow Awesome

Call me picky or bitter, but the Marvel Adventures Spider-Man series continues to be the only Spider-Man series I follow. One More day in 616 and the goofy ass art in Ultimate (coupled with the shit storm of Ultimatum) has rendered this book the only readable Spider-Man book in the whole Marvel catalog. Even if it is pure bitterness, it's not like the Marvel Adventure series is without merit. Ever since this series started developing it's own continuity, the stories it has churned out have been remarkably well-told. Paul Tobin hasn't been half-assed about this limited G-rated kids series. He's actually giving enough of a damn to make this series enjoyable and develop Peter Parker in a unique way that is free of the bullshit the other series have spewed onto the pages. It's a given you're not going to see some epic Clone Saga storyline that involves Peter Parker wrestling with clones, saving prostitutes, cussing out Norman Osborn, or going with Gwen Stacy to Victoria's Secret to pick out her favorite brand of edible panties. You'll basically see stories that are cute, simple, and focused. If that's not perverted or violent enough for you I suggest you join your local S&M club. You'd be surprised how understanding they are, just stay away from lit candles with wax.

The previous issue was another solid entry that had Spider-Man go up against Bullseye. It wasn't as bloody as it probably could have been. Had it taken place in 616 or Ultimate, this story could have easily turned into another shock book. Since this book was marketed to kids, it had to be restrained and that's not necessarily detrimental. I love a good blood bath and some flashes of tits as much as the next guy, but I'll gladly opt for an enjoyable story that doesn't butcher the characters or try to reinvent the formula for booze. Each of those are fine the way it is.

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5 literally picks up from the last pages of Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #4. Spider-Man just finished his battle with Bullseye and he looks like he just got back from a 5 day bender in Tijuana and was on the wrong side of a Donkey Show. He's so fucked up he can't even make it back home or get in touch with his girlfriend. So he does what most guys do after an unpleasant time south of the boarder. He passes out on the floor of some unknown building. So long as the building isn't a crack house or a male whore house, he should be okay (to a point).

While Peter is getting in touch with his old friend, Agony McNutshot, another story starts to unfold. As has been a trend in many Marvel Adventure comics, writer Paul Tobin likes to spread the spotlight to other secondary characters so that Peter isn't the only star. In previous issues it was usually a larger name like Wolverine or Bullseye. Here, it's a complete unknown. The guy getting the focus looks like a dorkier version of Wolverine mixed with an old school, pre-Scientology version of John Tarvolta. He's shown to be a nice, normal guy with a loving wife and a dog. Except his a collector for the Torino crime family. You know...mob work. A guy being that nice in that kind of work is like a Christian priest in a gay S&M club. Wait, he's Catholic? Okay, bad example. But you get my point.

They guy seems to be good at his job, but he doesn't seem to like it. Seriously, he carries on as if it's like he's cleaning up shit off the floors at a McDonalds. I used to have a job like that too and it only involved occasional threats of violence and intimidation. How a guy gets caught up in that line of work and be so G-rated sounds like a made-for-TV-movie staring Robert DeNiero produced by Disney.

Baring for a moment the many flaws in that premise, the plot with this happy-go-lucky mob employee helps lead the story to the Torino crime family. They were the ones that hired Bullseye in the first place and obviously they did not get their money's worth. So what's their solution? Put a two million dollar bounty on his head. It seemed like that would have saved them some cash if they tried that beforehand, but then again the mob is best known for ruthlessness and Al Pacino movies, not financial savvy.

Now this is where the book's flow gets a little disjointed. In the first few pages it already showed Peter passed out on the floor of an old building looking like he lost a fight with a lawnmower and a methed out Mike Tyson. The message was clear. Bullseye fucked him up good. But then later on we get a flashback scene of how he got there. It's nothing too extreme. He's just crawling through the rain, trying to get home. But he can't make it so he passes out. It feels like this shit should have been the beginning. Do we really need to know the details of how he got to that building? Unless he had to run away from some pit bulls and avoid creepy homeless guy holding an "I'll bet you $1 that you'll read this sign" then it feels unnecessary and out of place. It's dramatic yeah, but has about as much impact as Linsey Lohan giving a lecture on sobriety.

The next scenes make a bit more sense though. Since Spider-Man is sort of passed out he can't check in with his girlfriend, Sophie. Usually when a boyfriend doesn't check in that means he's either getting hammered or dropping the hammer on another flesh nail, but Sophie is thankfully the trusting type and understands that if Peter isn't calling. That usually means his spider powers did not effectively guard him from a routine ass kicking.

Being the good girlfriend she is, she doesn't resort to whining to the police or blowing Peter's identity. She starts making calls to her old friend, the Blond Phantom, and Wolverine from the X-men. Both say they'll keep an eye out for him. Since she's the girlfriend here, that's simply not fast enough. Sophie has shown plenty of times to be dedicated if not obsessive to being Peter's guardian angel. That alone makes her one of the best girlfriends Spidey has ever had in any comic. I know that's saying a lot, but this is my review and I'm sticking to it!

She even calls Gwen Stacy, which brings up another ongoing plot. Gwen continues her streak of attracting the wrong kind of men at every turn in being hot and heavy with Carter Tornio, the son of the Tornio's top boss. Apparently they were studying and by studying I don't mean the fun kind. I mean the boring kind with books and clothes still on. However, when Gwen's father (who is a cop mind you) gets home she reacts as if they're in the middle of shooting porn for a Japanese TV show and rushes him out as if he's he one with the weed. Even if it is a messy relationship, Carter still hasn't impregnated her with goblin twins so he's still not the worst guy Gwen could be with.

The search continues and we revisit our friendly mob guy (who they're calling Flip now) with a heart of gold. He's in the middle of roughing up some rough biker type who can't seem to pay his bills. He's armed with a lead pipe so he can't have a heart of too much gold. Maybe silver or whatever funky metal China needs to import too much of at the moment, but not gold. Since the guy can't pay, he gives Flip something else of value. He tells him he knows where Spider-Man is. Now as a guy who looks like a standard deviant, you would think he would try to follow him and look into getting that sweet two million dollar bounty that could have settled this debt. But for reasons that aren't entirely clear or logical, he doesn't and just gives the address to Flip. He's either the worst thug wannabe or the dumbest.

With time now a factor, Sophie meets up with her Blond BFF and uses her loyal animal hoards to track her boy toy. But first, she has to do a favor for her friend. Apparently, friendship isn't enough to warrant free service. In that sense she's like a prostitute, but given that Sophie has made friends with Emma Frost that's actually not too unbelievable. So with the help of Sophie's animal hoards, they're able to collect what are described as "love letters" when it may just as easily be photos somebody shot at a frat party that involved nudity, crazy glue, and any number of dicks being drawn on a face. Either way, they get what they need so they can now move onto Peter.

The animal hoards continue to work their magic. They lead Chat closer to her wounded boyfriend while Flip is already on his way. It becomes a race against time and seems to be setting the stage for a good struggle. It seems Flip is going to beat Chat to the punch and that two million bucks is as good as his. Chat races to catch up and when she finally gets there, she sees Flip standing over Spider-Man. Except he's not carving him up like a Thanksgiving turkey. He's helping him by patching him up.

No that's not a misprint and no I'm not high (for the most part). This mob collector who a few pages ago was threatening some guy with a pipe just up and had a change of heart despite the promise of two million dollars. He starts patching Spider-Man up and doesn't fight Sophie for him. He claims some inner voice was telling him to ignore the two million and help the kid. Now for a great many people who don't work for the mob, that's perfectly believable. But this guy does work for the mob. He's a collector and was right in the room when the two million dollars was offered. I know this is a G-rated comic and all, but this is pushing it even by comic standards. Does Paul Tobin really want the reader to believe that Flip's inner voice telling him help Spider-Man was louder than the voice saying "Holy shit! It's Spider-Man! I'm fucking rich as shit!" when confronted with this opportunity? I've seen some crazy shit (including a man wearing a woman's dress made completely out of duct tape), but even I can't believe that shit.

That's essentially the end of the action. Flip helps Sophie get Spider-Man into Blond Phantom's car, says goodbye, and goes home to his loving wife to tell her he's quit his job and is unemployed. Yet they're still all smiles. Again, it's too unbelievable even for a comic. A man telling his wife he's out of work and they're both smiling? Either they're high or it's the most fucked up marriage in the history of marriage. There's no other insight offered from here on out. Flip's wife doesn't say something like "Aww, I'm sorry sweetie. Guess I'll have to work overtime now" or "Sorry babe, no romance without finance." The book just ends. It doesn't even show where Sophie takes Peter to heal up. For a series that has finished strong since it's inception, this is as week as it gets without being an offensive lineman for the Detroit Lions.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not jumping ship on Marvel Adventures Spider-Man. This book still has a long way to go before it's anywhere near as fucked up as 616 or Ultimate. But this issue was a pretty big disappointment. I can appreciate the kind of story Tobin is trying to tell here, but usually he's able to make these stories seem like they aren't part of some G-rated series. He's able to be tactful in a ways that keeps it awesome. This issue boarded on the grounds of being a fucking fairy tale. A mob collector turns into a saint while Sophie spends most of the issue being a worried girlfriend. As for Spider-Man, he's basically out cold the whole issue. Now that's not too bad because he did get a lot of action in the previous issue, but everything in between feels like filler laced with sugar to match a horribly bland taste.

I'll still follow this series. Where the fuck else am I going to get my Spider-Man fix? But this issue was a big disappointment. It has a decent premise and Tobin didn't do anything too radial to ruin it in the tradition of One More Day or the Clone Saga. But he did choke on the very high bar he himself set. It's not even one of those "it seems like a good idea at the time" stories. It's more of a "let's see how G-rated we can get without being too lame" kind of moment and in that sense it's an idea that fails. So for Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #5, I give it a score of 2 out of 5. I'm confident the next issue will be better, but this is an issue I would rather forget and exchange for credit to by more X-Force books (preferably with Domino naked). If that's not possible, I can only wait and hope that Marvel Adventures continues to be one of the most solid Spider-Man books on the market even if that's like saying it's the least smelliest piece of shit. Nuff said.