Growth and Regression: Amazing Spider-Man #1

The following is my review of Amazing Spider-Man #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain characters have certain characteristics that make them iconic, lovable, or at the very least acceptable. On the surface, characters like Batman or the Punisher would be diagnosed with serious personality disorders in the real world. But within their respective narratives, they're portrayed in a way that makes them respectable despite whatever disorder they might have. Whereas they would need serious counseling and medication in the real world, they're able to channel their problems into a personal journey. And in some respects, that might be healthier, given the side-effects of certain medications.

The personal journey of Peter Parker isn't nearly as dark or distressing as Batman or the Punisher. It's not all rainbows and ponies either, given how he's lost loved ones and endured trauma that few therapists are equipped to treat. But his journey has always been conveyed in a way that feels more relatable than most characters. He's not an alien from a distant world. He's not an ex-marine or eccentric billionaire. He's a kid from Queens. If he were in a high school yearbook, he'd be voted the most likely to be completely forgotten the day after graduation.

But over the past few years, that reliability has been undermined and this time it's not because he married a supermodel. He's gone from a no-name kid from Queens to an aspiring Tony Stark wannabe. He has his own company. He has a doctorate. The amount of people who can make that claim these days could probably fill Yankee's Stadium and still have enough room left for an open bar and buffet.

Now, in Amazing Spider-Man #1, the journey of Peter Parker goes in a bold new direction. But does this direction remain true to the narrative that makes Peter Parker respectable? The answer isn't a clear yes or no. However, there are clear undertones that attempt to keep this new direction from being too bold. And in some respects, this is a major crack in the foundation of Spider-Man. It hasn't caused the whole building to crumble, but it does give the impression that it bribed the building code inspector.

That's not to say the foundation doesn't support an engaging story. It's a story that involves an oversized car that can climb walls. And if the success of the Fast and the Furious movies has taught us anything, it's that obscenely overpowered cars are awesome. Peter Parker might not Vin Disel, but he does finally put that genius IQ to work for him and he's able to do it without losing any hair. That alone is an accomplishment.

It feels like one of those stories that shouldn't have taken this long to develop. Like a state that only recently revoked laws that banned short skirts, it feels like Peter should've done something like this earlier. A big part of his character is that he's a nerd with an above-average IQ. It's because of that IQ that he was able to make the kind of artificial webbing that DARPA probably spent $10 billion trying to develop. That kind of resourcefulness gives him all the traits he needs to be a successful businessman. Elon Musk is proof enough of that.

But however long it took, Peter never gives the impression that he's all that comfortable with this role. His definitely not Tony Stark in that he carries himself with the kind of Kanye West swagger that would lead him to spend six figures on a toilet seat. He does still come off as the kind of humble everyman that makes Spider-Man so iconic. While this is admirable, it's also the greatest flaw in the narrative.

A good chunk of the story is spent showing how Peter runs his company. He basically tries to run it in the way Bernie Sanders thinks all companies should be run. He doesn't pay himself an obscene salary. He tries to put himself on the same levels as his workers. And he tries to be charitable in a way that the Bill Gates of the world would approve of. But it's the Bruce Waynes and Tony Starks of the world who would sense something amiss.

The readers already know what's amiss and they don't need Bruce Wayne's detective skills to figure it out. Peter Parker, for all his brilliance and humility, doesn't give the impression that he knows what he's doing. In the same way he basically fell into his powers, he fell into this company as well. He didn't create it out of a garage like Steve Jobs. Otto Octavious created it. He just inherited it when the whole mind-swap story finally regressed. And because of this, there's this underlying sentiment that Peter will regress.

This is what makes it hard to get overly excited about the bold new direction of Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man #1. There's this sense that because Peter doesn't know what he's doing, he's going to screw it up somehow and regress back to the guy who lives with his Aunt and works a lousy job for J. Jonah Jameson. He calls it Parker Luck, but it's really a flaw in system that makes it hard to get attached to any of these new developments.

It's played out many times throughout Spider-Man's history. Gets a really nice job that pulls him out of poverty? He screws it up. Gets a really nice girl? He screws that up too. Gets his own company that somebody else created for him? He hasn't screwed that up yet, but there's a distinct sense that he will. The ending already lays the foundation in that a familiar enemy re-emerges who is bound to make screwing up that much easier.

For the moment, Peter Parker is in a new position with a new narrative. There are elements in Amazing Spider-Man #1 that give that narrative plenty of promise. At the same time, it feels more like a gimmick in the same mold of Superior Spider-Man. There's still a sense that at some point, Peter Parker will snap back to being that everyman who hasn't progressed beyond the stage of an indebted college student. And as relatable as that is, there comes a point where someone stuck in that stage isn't all that amazing.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

A True Second Life: Spider-Gwen #1

The following is my review of Spider-Gwen #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

For better or for worse, some characters are defined by a singular moment. Batman is defined by the murder of his parents. Peter Parker is defined by the irresponsibility that led to the death of his uncle. And Jason Biggs is defined by his intimate dealings with baked goods in American Pie. These defining moments are both memorable and compelling for their iconic impact. But sometimes these moments can weight down a character and limit their development. This is what happened to Gwen Stacy.

For decades now, Gwen Stacy has been defined by her death. Even after her history was obscenely twisted by an affair with Norman Osborn, her death remains the most notable aspect of her character. Her personality, motivations, and potential were all shackled by this moment. That’s why a new world with a new path feels so jarring. That’s what the events of Spider-Verse offered when it introduced Spider-Gwen.

In this world, Gwen Stacy was no longer the girl who died or got knocked up by Norman Osborn. She was the one who got bit by the spider and became a new incarnation of Spider-Man. For a character that’s been around since the disco era, it’s a novelty that shouldn’t feel like one on paper. She’s a cute, pretty blonde who gets Spider-Powers. If she didn’t have any history and tried to come out in an era of female Thors and Kamala Khans, she probably wouldn’t make the cut. But she does have that history and Spider-Gwen #1 shows that this history helps make this new path special.

The context of Spider-Man’s history is what gives Gwen’s status as Spider-Woman weight in the story. There are familiar names all around her from Ben Grimm to Foggy Nelson. Some of these characters are very different. Some aren’t different at all. Kingpin is still a criminal mastermind, Vulture is still a C-list villain, and J. Jonah Jameson is still a cantankerous blow-hard. It’s a world that feels like Spider-Man. But through the eyes of Gwen Stacy, it takes on a bold new meaning.

In many respects, Gwen Stacy’s struggles are very similar to a young Peter Parker. She’s trying to do the right thing and be a hero. However, everyone else in the world thinks she’s a villain. At one point, her own father was Spider-Woman’s harshest critic. And in a world where people J. Jonah Jameson seriously, that’s saying something. Her defining moment to this point was her revealing her identity to her father and saving him. While that moment made her a hero in the same way catching his uncle’s killer made him a hero, it also complicated her life in ways befitting of any Spider-Man story.

Gwen Stacy is really at rock bottom in terms of her reputation as a superhero. In some ways, she has it even worse than Peter Parker. At least Peter Parker didn’t get blamed for the death of his uncle. Since J. Jonah Jameson loves to outdo himself in any universe, he’s made it so Spider-Woman is the reason for Peter Parker’s death in this world. And since her father is still a captain with the NYPD, she doesn’t even have a home to go to. Even on his worst days, Peter could count on a nice home-cooked meal from his Aunt May. Gwen doesn’t have that luxury.

Most of the story revolves around Gwen coming to grips with all the forces that are working against her. But in the tradition of all the Spider-Men and Spider-Women that came before her, she doesn’t let that stop her from being responsible. In fact, she conveys more responsibility than Peter Parker did as a teenager in some ways. She doesn’t blame anyone else for her situation. She doesn’t get overly bitter. She doesn’t even whine about it. She just takes it all in until she sees an opportunity to make Spider-Woman a hero again. And she hasn’t even thrown her costume in a garbage can yet. Compared to Peter Parker and Miles Morales, she’s way ahead of schedule.

The strength of this story is built around Gwen Stacy trying to re-establish herself in a world that is trying desperately to reject her. It’s a world that’s conveyed through her eyes and from her perspective. It feels very personal while capturing all the right elements that make Spider-Man stories great. But beyond this strength, there isn’t much in terms of bonuses.

There are other parts of the story that tie into Gwen’s, but they’re only marginally developed. There’s nothing about this version of Vulture that anyone is going to find novel or intriguing. The same can be said for Kingpin and J. Jonah Jameson. That’s not to say there aren’t other stories worth following. The band Gwen belongs to, the Mary Janes, are one of the more novel aspects of her world. Their story does continue, but not by much. They’re basically the equivalent of Youtube celebrities now. And that can only last as long as the next cat video.

There was a lot to love about Gwen Stacy before she ever got spider-powers. Spider-Gwen #1 reveals a world has a very different Gwen Stacy, but she still has all the same characteristics that make her so lovable. She’s still that sweet girl next door that boys are afraid to talk to since her father is a cop. She just happens to have spider-powers in this world and she’s had the same rotten luck as Peter Parker in terms of using them responsibility. But considering how she ended up dead in Peter’s world, it still counts as an upgrade.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Amazing Spider-Man Movie Review: Unamazed and Underwhelming

I know this is later than Bristol Palin's last period. I know the Amazing Spider-Man movie came out a week ago and since then pretty much everybody, their brother, and their third cousin has reviewed or offered their input. I would have been among those, but this annoying shit called life got in the way. I won't say what it involved, but let's just say I wasn't in a position to make it to a movie theater last week and I may still have a bounty on my head in certain towns in Mexico. But I finally did manage to see it and since I have no other reviews this week, I figured I would at least let this horse finish the race.

Amazing Spider-Man was billed a fresh, juicy reboot. The first three Spider-Man movies with Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst made more money than the gross national product of Cambodia and earned more than its share of praise. I personally enjoyed all three of them. Some were better than others, but they were all movies you could sit through completely sober and still come out feeling good. Rather than risk making a Superman IV, Sony and Columbia pictures decided to just start from scratch again. This upset some people, but I thought it was a good decision. There's no use drawing out a series until it starts rotting like a cheese sandwich left in a parked car in Phoenix, Arizona. I think Batman and Robin as well as the X-men movies have shown how horribly that shit can go bad. Instead, Amazing Spider-Man was going to be different by keeping Peter Parker young and in high school while swapping Mary Jane for Gwen Stacy. It's basically a redhead for a blonde. Hugh Hefner would call that a fair trade.

Who needs redheads anyways?

Unfortunately, rebooting the series also meant retelling Spider-Man's origin story, which is only slightly more well-known than the story of Jesus Christ. It also meant watching the same growing pains we saw in the first Spider-Man movie, albeit without Toby McGuire posing shirtless in front of the mirror. I guess Sony and Columbia decided they weren't going to win over the 50 Shades of Gray crowd with Andrew Garfield, but even if they did retell the origins story that doesn't mean the movie can't be good, right?

Well I'm sad to say that if all reboots were graded on a curve, Amazing Spider-Man would be that drooling, paste-eating kid in the classroom that set it. This movie wasn't awful. I didn't vomit uncontrollably like I did when I saw the third X-men movie. But this movie had so many facepalm moments that even I couldn't get drunk enough to enjoy it. They had the right actors. Andrew Garfield has a good presence on screen and Emma Stone is among one of the best rising stars that hasn't been busted for cocaine yet. Dennis Leary even took a break from fantasizing about every member of the New York Yankees suffering from explosive diarrhea to play Captain George Stacy. They just had a horrible script and a horribly disorganized plot.

Still not enough facepalms

The biggest problem had to do with Peter Parker's portrayal. In the comics, the first three movies, and pretty much every other major incarnation of Spider-Man, Peter Parker has been a scrawny geek who would be the last man alive to soak the panties of any of his female peers. Toby McGuire captured that persona well in the first Spider-Man movie. You really did believe that he was a nerd. Andrew Garfield never at any point sold that vital part of Peter Parker's character.

Instead, they opted to make Peter cooler. He didn't wear glasses. He wore contacts most of the time. He didn't walk around and run to catch up with buses that left him behind. He used a skateboard. And I can't remember the last time I met a science nerd who was into skateboarding. I met one girl in college who had the periodic table tattooed on her lower back as a tramp stamp. That's about it. Also, Peter was often bullied and made fun of in the comics. That happens here, but only because he tries to fight back against bullies. At one point he tries to stop Flash Thompson, Spider-Man's everyday douche-bag, when he's picking on someone else. So he was basically trying to play hero before he got his powers. That may be admirable, but that's a trait of Captain America and not Peter Parker.

Moreover, when Peter finally does get his powers, he comes off as the least likeable hero since the fucking Whizzer. A single spider bite not only gives him spider powers, but it teaches him how to fight. With no training whatsoever, he starts beating up assholes on a subway. At least in the previous movie, Peter got some experience as a wrestler. He doesn't get any of that shit here. Suddenly, he's so incredibly competent in his abilities to fight, you almost can't root for him because it's an insult to every hero and villain that ever put themselves through hell so they could learn to kick ass.

Real heroics takes years of training and a multi-billion dollar trust fund.

In addition to Peter's skills being completely contrived, his interactions with Gwen Stacy were pitiful. I'm not saying the dialog between him and Mary Jane in the first three Spider-Man movies was fucking Shakespeare, but at least it was coherent. Here's how their dialog went.

Peter: So um you want to...

Gwen: Want to?

Peter: You know how...

Gwen: Yeah...I mean, sure.

Peter: So we can...

Gwen: Why not?

Gwen and Peter's conversations were so jumbled and retarded that I know kindergarteners that are more intelligible. Fuck, the Hulk was more intelligible in both his movies. Every time they were on screen together, I had to take a shot of bourbon that I sneaked into the theater (I can't be the only one that does that) so that my ears wouldn't start bleeding. Even at his most awkward in the comics, Peter is at least articulate when he's not making wise-cracks. He's supposed to be smart. He sounds fucking brain damaged in every moment with Gwen.

Yet for reasons that make less sense than quantum mechanics, Gwen falls for him. There's really no reason or chemistry between them. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the fuck she would be into him. Even after he revealed that was Spider-Man (at this point, fuck spoiler warnings), her reaction and demeanor was pretty much the same. In the comics Gwen and Peter had chemistry because Gwen was a sweet girl who saw through his nerdy exterior. If you didn't now anything about their history, you would be confused as to why she would be into him. He didn't save her life like he did with Mary Jane in the first movie (at first). He didn't try to impress her all that much. She just fell into his lap. Unless you've got a $100 bucks hanging out of your zipper at a strip club, that shit doesn't happen.

There's nothing you can say or do that won't make me want to jump your bone.

Aside from bad characterization and equally bad jokes about PMS, the overall flow of this movie looks like it was organized by a fucking drunk with carpel tunnel syndrome. The whole movie was ridiculously choppy. It would go from scene to scene in such a chaotic way that you can actually tell that there was more that was chopped out to keep the movie from being longer than the last Lord of the Rings movies. I normally don't notice that shit in a movie because most movies are coherent enough to at least make it looks like they're not cut together with scotch-tape. But this one was so painfully apparent that no amount of alcohol could mask it.

Now I know I'm ranting a bit here, but that's not to say that this movie didn't have it's moments. It had a lot of solid premises that had a great deal of potential. This movie actually utilized the complicated history of Peter Parker's parents, which definitely added some family elements that weren't shown in previous movies. It also had a great villain in the Lizard. If there was one highlight, it was definitely the journey of Curt Conners as he became the big menace that Peter had to deal with. But good ideas are only as good as the way in which they're portrayed and they were portrayed horribly here. I can't overlook that nor drink enough to make me forget.

Amazing Spider-Man may have not been awful, but given the benchmark the other three movies set it was painfully underwhelming. Sony and Columbia had a clean slate here and they essentially cobbled together a bunch of Spider-Man associated imagery and packaged it as a movie without giving much thought to the actual story. I doubt they give three licks of a Lion's scrotum because this movie is going to make them a fuckton of money no matter what critics say. However, the tag-line of this movie (which was never even said out loud mind you) is that with great power comes great responsibility. The folks that made this movie had the power to do this story we all know and love justice and they were just flat out irresponsible. They may be able to sleep in a pile of money while supermodels suck their dicks, but they're no better than the Lizard in this movie. That's why I give this movie a 2 out of 5. It's not Batman and Robin, but it's by far the weakest comic book movie I've seen since Green Lantern.

There's still hope for this series. This movie wasn't so bad that I would not give the sequel a chance. But it needs to go through some major fucking improvements to make up for this shit. There's a lot of story to tell with Spider-Man. They got the reboot out of the way and now they need take it 10 steps further. There are any number of ways they could make this awesome. Given how badly this turned out, they have the responsibility to use as many of those ways as possible for the sequels.

When in doubt, add another hot chick.

Ultimate Spider-Man #160 - The Ultimate Death Knell

Here we go again. I'm reviewing another Ultimate book. I know I've already brained my damage after reviewing books like Ultimate X #4. I still haven't gotten over how any comic book could be so horribly fucked up that any just and loving deity would allow it to be created. Ultimate comics has scarred my brain more than all the cocaine, pot, LSD, DMT, shrooms, PCP, and prescription pain pill in South America. For Ultimate X I had to have a blood alcohol level no lower than .20 to get through it. For this, however, I will stay sober. This isn't Ultimate X. This is Ultimate Spider-Man, one of the few Ultimate books that was still worth a damn after Ultimatum.

Now in case you're more brain damaged than Forest Gump after inhaling paint fumes, you've seen that Marvel recently got in bed with the mass media lately. Before the new comics for this week even came out, the media spoiled the ending of Ultimate Spider-Man #160. Why was this more newsworthy than Iraq, Afghanistan, the shitty economy, or Lady Gaga's latest dress? Because Spider-Man died in it. No, he didn't quit. He didn't retire. He didn't vow to never put the people he cared about in danger again. He fucking died. In most other circumstances, that would be shocking. In Ultimate Marvel where people die all the time by getting eaten, decapitated, or having their brains blown out with a fucking bullet this sounds about as shocking as finding out Snookie has herpes. Marvel decided to make a big deal of this, even though Ultimate is an AU. 616 Spider-Man is still spinning webs. Granted, he made a fucking deal with the devil to do it, but he's still out there.

With all the mass hysteria surrounding Ultimate Spider-Man #160, I felt compelled to offer my take. I knew every major comic outlet and reviewer would praise this book as if it was written on the tomb of Jesus Christ with the menstrual blood of the Virgin Mary. It's easy to praise something that is so overhyped. It's even easier to overlook the flaws in the background that leads up to this overhyped story because seriously, who has the time to catch up with over a decade of backstory? God only made the days 24 hours and the weeks seven days long. We got shit to do so for all those looking for an alternative take on this media frenzied bullshit, here's a take from a drunken comic book fan who followed Ultimate from the very beginning and used to love it unconditionally. I already made it clear in my Ultimate X review that I'm a jaded drunk after Ultimatum. But that book was shit. This is Brian Michael Bendis. He's got more credibility than pretty much any comic writer. So while I may sound harsh, I'll still make an effort to be fair and honest. And no, that's not the booze talking.

Ultimate Spider-Man #160 follows up on an arc that has been based around the premise that all of Spider-Man's old enemies thought their lives would be much better if they just killed Spider-Man. So they banned together with the help of Norman Osborn, hunted down Peter Parker (because his identity in Ultimate is so poorly kept that his face is more recognizable than Britney Spears's pussy) and fought him. It's about as interesting as it sounds. It's not new. It's not novel. Somewhere along the way Spider-Man crossed paths with the Ultimates and got shot. Then he finds out his neighborhood is under siege and he goes after them, bullet wound and all. It's not completely without heart, unlike a bullshit story like Ultimatum. Bendis does make it more personal by highlighting the effects felt by Peter's loved ones. When Mary Jane realizes that something done gone horribly wrong in the fucked up world of Spider-Man, she does what any rational comic book character does and runs right into the shit storm. Yet somehow her mother lets her. Okay, so the standards for parenting in Ultimate are lower than Arnold Schwarzenegger's credibility on marriage fidelity. But that's besides the point.

While Mary Jane is lying to her mom, Peter is busy trying to prevent a fully goblinized Norman Osborn from using Gwen Stacy and his Aunt May as marshmellows in a human smoore. Keep in mind he's doing this after having been shot. This isn't adult Peter Parker. He's still a teenager, 16 to be precise. At that age most buys are bitching and moaning when they get a pimple on their face. This kid got fucking shot and he can still save his loved ones. So no one can say that Ultimate Peter Parker isn't a tough motherfucker.

One caveat though is he's still without his mask. Ultimate Spider-Man isn't known for his tactfulness. Usually even semi-competent super-heroes know that it's a good idea to keep your face covered so no one makes a youtube video about you when you're getting your ass kicked. Then again, he's been shot. Worrying about a mask with a bullet in your gut sounds like someone has fucked up priorities.

After he gets Gwen and May away, he says in some somewhat obscene ways that they need to stay back. He even authorizes Gwen to knock her out if she has to. It sounds like the Tony Soprano way of doing things, but when a green monster is attacking you manners are the second thing to go after the contents of your rectum. Once they're out of the way, Spider-Man lays into Gobby the same way I lay into a bottle of imported whiskey. To this point Osborne has been pretty flashy, flaunting all his firepower against everyone Peter cares about. So it's nice to see him get laid out like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. He's hit so hard that he doesn't even get a chance to say "I will break you!"

With Gobby down for the count, Spider-Man goes for some much needed backup. Both Johnny Storm (he's not dead in Ultimate) and Bobby Drake are still there, but apparently they're a couple of whiney little bitches because they got knocked out. Spidey's still going and he has a fucking bullet wound. What's that say about those two aside from their laughable scrodal capacity? He manages to get Johnny burning again. He flames on and attacks the Green Goblin. It's like fighting fire with gasoline. The Human Torch has fire powers. Ultimate Green Goblin has fire powers. It can only mean something is bound to explode.

Once again, the Human Torch proves he doesn't even have a twentith of the balls that Spider-Man has. The resulting fireball doesn't exactly stun Green Goblin. It essentially supercharges him like Barry Bonds without the bulging head. Johnny Storm gets taken out of the fight again, forcing Spider-Man to once again bring Osborn down a peg. This time he does it with a mailbox instead of his fists. This means I can't make another Rocky reference, but I'm pretty sure Ivan Drago would be just as pissed. Peter takes it a step further, cooling him down with a fire hydrant that always seems so convenient in comics. The only thing they seem to be good for in the real world is getting yourself a parking ticket. So it's nice to see them being put to better use in comics.

The Green Goblin remains pretty damn peksy. Even while cooled down, he keeps going after Peter. It's mostly spectacle. Anyone who read the previous issues will miss seeing Osborn with a bit more personality. Bendis is usually good at mixing the Michael Bay style action with David Fincher style dialog. I get that this fight is supposed to feel epic. It would help if there was some more of those classic witty exchanges that Bendis has demonstrated time and again in most of his comics. Instead he's just relying on action. Unless you're stoned, it's not going to wow readers as much as previous battles.

However, you don't need to be stoned to enjoy the next part. Just as the fight is starting to drag, Mary Jane enters the picture and proves that she's more than eye-candy in Marvel. She proves to be a much more capable girlfriend than 616 Mary Jane, who was okay with making deals with Mephisto. She actually hijacks a truck and crashes it into the Green Goblin. This girl is still jailbait in Ultimate and she shows more balls than Human Torch or Iceman. I don't want to make any more comments about what that implies towards their manhood, but it's refreshing to see Mary Jane doing more than just screaming or giving readers something to jerk off to. She drove a fucking truck into a monster for her boyfriend. That's love there!

Fittingly enough, Peter and Mary Jane have a nice moment while Green Goblin is getting frisky with a truck radiator. It's not too long. It's not too emotional. They just kiss and that's about it. It's sweet and all, but then Peter has to go and do what may be one of the most unromantic things he could do short of farting in her face. He takes Mary Jane and throws her away from the scene, using his webs to create a soft landing. He doesn't ask her nicely. He doesn't urge her. He just throws her. It sounds like a dick move, but then again he may have been trying to spare himself from her nagging about fighting a monster after having been shot. In that sense, I can't blame him.

Having copped a nice feel with his girlfriend, Spider-Man turns his attention back towards the Green Goblin. By now he's had enough of his bullshit. He's ready to end his ass in a way he more than deserves. It's a nice time for Osborn to finally show a little personality. He goes on about how he'll torment everyone he cares about. He drones how Peter's going to suffer. It's nothing he hasn't said before. In fact, Bendis could have probbaly copied and pasted some of previous lines from other Ultimate Spider-Man stories and it would have said the exact same thing. Again, Spider-Man takes it like a man. He points out how Osborn's obsession with making him miserable won't undo all the bullshit he's done to himself. It won't bring back his son and it won't make him a respected money-grubbing billionaire (even if that is an oxymoron). He doesn't seem to give a damn. He just wants to kill Peter Parker. So maybe it's not that much personality after all.

Whatever the case, Spider-Man has run out of fucks to give and he (presumably) finishes off the Green Goblin by lifting the truck Mary Jane just stole and crushing him with it. I will repeat that for any of you ADHD folks. Spider-Man lifted a big ass truck and crushed the Green Goblin with it. It's every bit as badass as it sounds. He didn't need to make a fucking deal with Mephisto. He didn't need to be an adult either. He just had to be the Ultimate Peter Parker we all know and love. That's what makes the next scene such a letdown because as badass as that stunt is, there's a drawback. Big ass trucks contain metal and gas. According to comic book physics, that means that if you look at it cross-eyed that shit will explode. Peter being a science geek should probably know that so it's not too surprising when it blows up in his face.

Now this wouldn't be a problem if the title of this story wasn't "Death of Spider-Man." The death of Spider-Man implies that he's giving his life to save the world. This really doesn't seem to fit. He fights the Green Goblin, but not to the point where he has to die and take Gobby with him. He makes crazy move that just blows up in his face...literally. He didn't have to do it. Goblin himself didn't kill him. It was just him forgetting that when you do that sort of shit to a truck, it tends to explode. That or Goblin ignited it, but that isn't clear. For all we know, Peter just fucked up at the end of a fight and it killed him.

And no, that's not a metaphor. This really does kill him. After getting blown back by the explosion, he's basically down for the count in and doesn't pull a Rocky Balboa. Keep in mind he's still got a bullet wound. That sort of shit adds up. It's now at the point where he's just lying on the grass, dying while his loved ones hover over him. Other people in his neighborhood show up as well, but they don't say shit. You would think a fight between Spider-Man and a big fucking goblin would be a converstaion starter. They don't even take pictures with their phones. In this day and age that's pretty outrageous.

So in what's supposed to be a touching moment, Peter says goodbye to his Aunt May and everyone he loves. He managed to save them. Granted, he may have overdone it by triggering a big ass explosion that he couldn't avoid, but he did save them. Bendis claimed he had tears in his eyes while writing this. I was yawning at this point. Death in Ultimate Marvel has become such a joke that even a big name like Spider-Man dying is about as exciting as watching a dog lick his ass. At least Bendis put some real heart into it. That's something that isn't always shown with major deaths so I applaud him for going the extra distance.

And so Peter Parker dies. I know the Associated Press reported that shit before this book was even out. But it's worth stating again for the sake of the review. It goes over about as well as you would expect. Everyone starts crying. Everyone's sad and upset. Between the title and the media, it's not too surprising. It just signals the end of something that for 160 issues has been one of the best Spider-Man sagas ever created. It's an inglorious way to end it. There aren't any other stories that could get people this worked up so they kill Peter Parker. I won't say that's fucked up logic, but it is pretty damn lazy.

Ultimate was supposed to be a fresh take on Marvel's iconic characters. Now it's a graveyard/playground for writers to live out their perverse fantasies of killing their favorite characters. I've said this shit before and I'll keep saying it until the booze kills all my brain cells. Just because Marvel CAN do a story like this doesn't mean they SHOULD. There's a reason why they don't do stories like this in 616. It's not that they can't. Marvel owns the rights to Spider-Man. They could make him gay and have him bone Richard Simons if they wanted. There's nothing stopping them aside from common sense. The reason they don't is because it's a dumn idea. Just as killing 616 Spider-Man would be done, killing Ultimate Spider-Man is just as dumb. It's the kind of shitty gimmick that you see in What If comics or bad fanfiction. Well I write bad fanfiction and prefer this kind of bullshit be left to fanboys like me with drinking problems and too much free time.

And so Spider-Man is dead. Well, not really. ULTIMATE Spider-Man is dead. That's an important distinction to make. As heartfelt it may be, the fact that it happens in a world like Ultimate Marvel is a big fucking problem. I wanted to feel something here. I really did. Contrary to what my excessive drinking may imply, I do get emotional about comics. And I still have a soft spot for Ultimate. It was once my favorite Marvel outlet. I looked forward to it every week. Ultimatum killed my love for it faster than an adamantium needle laced with cobra venom. But Ultimate Spider-Man was the only title that maintained it's awesome aura. Granted, it was the only book that really didn't lose much, but Brian Bendis kept it interesting. I found it a lot harder to be passionate about after Ultimatum, but I still enjoyed it within a context. So when only three years after butchering the Ultimate universe, this story basically does a way with it's most iconic character then that's pretty fucked up.

Here's the problem with Death of Spider-Man. It's taking place in a world where reckless death is so routine that it's a fucking joke. Spider-Man died in a battle with the Green Goblin with some help of an exploding truck. It sounds pretty intense, but when you take into account that in Ultimate characters have died in so many grotesque ways it just seems bland. Bendis tried to put emotion into the story. He might as well have been trying clean up the oceans by pissing in them. There's just no emotion in a series that was already fucked in a billion different ways after Ultimatum. Killing Spider-Man is just like stepping on another ant. Marvel knows they can get away with it because they have 616 Spider-Man to fall back on. By having this fallback, they have an excuse to be reckless. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking lousy excuse if ever there was one. That's like saying it's okay to break someone's leg because they have spare crutches in the trunk of their car. This was Bendis's baby. Ultimate Spider-Man put him in the upper echelons of the comic pantheon. So when he decides to kill his character, it does carry some weight. But the context in which he does it lacks any real impact. It comes off as if he just wanted another spectacle, which was the main premise of Ultimatum. It was a big ass spectacle, but big ass spectacles aren't always good. They're like a bong hit with some dirt weed from Arizona. The buzz lasts mere seconds and then you feel like shit again.

That's not to say that Ultimate Spider-Man #160 wasn't a good comic. I'll say outright that it was a billion times better than Ultimate X or any Ultimate book within the last three years. Bendis took his time, showing the emotions of characters like Mary Jane, May, and Gwen. He showed Peter Parker at his finest, kicking Norman Osborn's ass and doing it with an attitude. It's a great moment, but it's not too different from his previous fights with the Green Goblin. The only difference here is that he dies in the end. It's a big difference, but once again the fact that it happens in Ultimate really makes it hard to feel anything more than half-hearted bemusement. So Ultimate Peter Parker is dead. He died fighting. That's fine. It's not awesome or great. Just fine in the sense that it did so without making readers want to throw up.

I don't feel the same outrage with Death of Spider-Man that I did with Ultimatum. For one, only one major character really died and the death was done fairly tastefully. But given how asinine Ultimate has become, it's hard to really feel anything for this story. I can't be outraged anymore because Ultimatum and Ultimate X have fried the wiring in my brain that allows me to give too much of a damn about these books. I'm glad Bendis was able to tell a story that essentially completed what he started in 2000. However, I'm disappointed in him for continuing with a new Ultimate Spider-Man, thinking he can replace Peter Parker. Did he not read the original Clone Saga? He should be smart enough to know that you can't replace Peter Parker with anybody. Even someone with his talent can't make everybody forget that Peter Parker is Spider-Man and that's it. Just as Superman is Clark Kent, you can't twist it any other way. So I have no confidence at all in the new Ultimate Spider-Man.

That said, Ultimate Spider-Man #160 is a nice ending. If only it ended every Ultimate book because the series went out of style when George W. Bush left office. I can only give it a 2 out of 5. It has good writing and good art, but it's bland. It pretends it has the importance of 616 when it doesn't. Ultimate died years ago when Marvel allowed Ultimatum. This just feels like it finished what that bullshit story started, albeit more tastefully. For that, it's not awesome. It's not even really good. It's just another gimmick. If that doesn't bother you, I'm sure you'll enjoy this even if you didn't like Ultimatum. But once the gimmick wears off, it'll be hard to give a halfway decent fuck about anything with Ultimate in the title anymore. Nuff said!

Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 - Handicapped Yet Still Awesome

I know there are a ton of Spider-Man comics out there with bigger names, bigger sales, and more mature plots. I also know that only following Marvel Adventures Spider-Man, a book marketed to kids, will leave limited opportunities to see blood, boobs, and big explosions (the three B's of most awesome comics). But what can I do? Ultimate Spider-Man is shit because the damn art looks like something schizoid drew while in mid-seizure and I still haven't been able to read 616 Spider-Man after One More Day. I used to have a healthy Spider-Man addiction with my comics. Now this is all I get. While my wallet may be grateful, it says a lot when the only palatable Spider-Man is the Marvel Adventures series.

It helps that this series is still pretty damn awesome despite not having the three B's and being a kids book. It also helps that in brings in a number of other familiar faces from the Marvel Universe from time to time and does a pretty damn good job of it as well. There are times when it missteps, like the previous issue. However, it usually finds a way to bounce back. The last issue fell short because it was too painfully obvious that this was a kids book. Unlike previous issues, it wasn't subtle enough. But it did move the story along and this issue picks up right from the events of that issue. That may not be a good thing, but at least Paul Tobin is respecting the continuity and not making deals with the devil to get around it. Fuck you, Mephisto!

The scars of the previous issue are literally felt when Peter walks into school the next day looking all beat up and bruised. These are the marks left by Bullseye, who worked Peter over pretty well two issues earlier and not in the Full Metal Jacket sort of way either. He rights it off as a hard fall for when he was taking pictures of Spider-Man. There's even a flashback describing it, even though any kid reading this will know it's bullshit. But that's not a bad thing. At least Tobin is attentive to detail despite the nanosecond attention spans of kids who forgot to take their Ritalin.

He and his girlfriend, Chat, play along with the story around friends like Gwen and Carter Torino (the new guy who happens to be the grandson of a crime lord). At least they try to until he reminds Carter that his family is a bunch of douche-bag gangsters. This is worse considering that Gwen has the hots for Carter and for whatever reason Carter is trying hard NOT to be his father's son. It's a plot that has been unfolding slowly over the past two issues, but it's been unfolding too slowly in many ways. It's like the 800-pound gorrilla in the room with the six foot boner humping a pineapple. You can't ignore it forever. That pineapple won't hold up forever.

Peter and Chat leave that problem behind (again) and focus on more pressing issues. The biggest issue is how is Peter going to be Spider-Man when he's got a busted arm? Is he really going to measure up when he's practically handicapped? Well in this case the benefit of dating a mutant shows. Just like in Ultimate Spider-Man, it helps to have a girlfriend with superpowers to pick up the slack. Chat shows this when they come across two thugs trying to mug a couple and she deals with it by sending an army of animals after the two guys, presumably to bite, piss, and drool over them. In some respects, it's slightly less desirable than a beating by Spider-Man. But it works and shows Peter's love life can be a benefit and not a liability as is so often been shown in those other shitty comics that Mephisto jerks off to.

While things are working out nicely with Chat and Peter, it's easy to forget that the one person who brought them together sort of got the raw deal. That person is Emma Frost. Yeah, that Emma Frost. In this series she's a teenager like Chat and like Chat, she had the hots for Peter (seriously, how can a dork like him get so many hot women wanting to jump his bone?). She's not quite her White Queen vindictive self yet, but she is still a bitch and she doesn't have the baggage she does in the current X-men comics. So in that sense this is the most balanced Emma Frost since Joss Whedon was still writing Astonishing.

Since her introduction to this series, she's taken on the role of a vigilante who isn't a stripper for once. Instead, she's a crime fighting detective who calls herself the Blond Phantom. It's a pretty hot title for a woman that most everyone in the Marvel Universe wants to bone, but she's a lot more watered down here in the sense she's still a teenager and she's friends with Chat. However, things have been strained between them lately and this has left her conflicted. It seems strange that Emma Frost would have that much of a heart, but since there was no Hellfire Club to make her a bigger bitch than she already is it makes sense.

Emma's appearance seems random, but it's a foreboding of things to come. That's not the only round of foreboding. Peter has to get a pep talk from Captain Stacy, who is one of the few who knows Peter's identity. He talks about how Peter has to stay out of the action for a while. When his arm is in a sling, that seems pretty damn obvious. But this is Peter Parker. He has to play macho for a bit. It's kind of pathetic, but when you remember this is a teenage Peter Parker we're dealing with here it's perfectly in character.

As soon as Peter finishes his little conversation with Captain Stacy, he gets a quick reminder of how much it sucks to be sidelined. He's on his way home when he comes across a traditional GTA style carjacking. He's obviously tempted to do something about it. That never happens and rather than be the Spider-Man everyone not named Jameson knows and loves, Daredevil comes in to steal his thunder. It's a nice way to bring in other Marvel characters as this series has been so prone to do. It's also a nice way to remind Peter just how much it sucks to be out of the action. It's like being benched in a football game. He's essentially Drew Bledso watching while some punk named Tom Brady takes his place.

He gets a cheap thrill out of seeing Daredevil. He also gets some extra motivation as well. He goes back to Chat who is already feeling the stress of being Spider-Man's backup. She can't even pick out a costume or a codename. She's ill-prepared to be Spider-Man's replacement. In other words, she is JaMarcus Russel of the Oakland Raiders, completely unfit to step up only not an overweight drug addict. Now excuse me while I change my name and address to avoid crazy Raider fans.

Flash forward a day and his school is on a field trip to see something called the Octavious exhibit, a tribute to the world of Doctor Octavious before he went batshit insane. Yeah, like nothing can go wrong there. Again, it's not very subtle. This is a kids comic. Paul Tobin can't afford to be too smart with kids who probably haven't learned how to find Switzerland on a map yet. This may qualify as being too obvious even for kids because I doubt even they would be surprised when Doctor Octopus comes storming in looking to be the douche bag we all know and love.

This isn't something a bunch of animals can solve by biting and pooping. So Peter does exactly what Captain Stacy warned him not to do, showing yet again how little respect even teenage heroes have for the authorities. Despite his injuries, he suits up and goes to attack Doc Ock. Now too his credit, this is pretty badass because he's able to hold his own. Anytime a hero goes into fight handicapped they deserve a little cred. Not only that, he still manages to pull off his trademark one-liners. To be able to do that through what has to be some burning pain shows this Spider-Man is way more badass than the poorly drawn Ultimate or devil loving 616 version.

However, being badass isn't enough to win a fight. Spider-Man does need help with this one and he gets it. This time it's not from Chat's animals. It's from the friend who once screwed her over, Emma Frost. She finally makes the call, patches things up with her BFF, and Emma suits up as the Blond Phantom to come help Peter. At first Doc Ock isn't impressed. His reaction is the kind of reaction that would piss a ton of feminists off, but Emma proves to be remarkably cool and assertive as fans of hers know her to be. That alone makes this Emma Frost more in line with her character than the bombastic butchering Matt Fraction is doing with his current Uncanny run.

She not only flaunts her power by showing that her mind can basically bitchslap Doc Ocks until he believes he's five-year-old girl who just pissed himself at day care. He also shows that she can distract him and without flashing him her boobs (which would have been far more appropriate if this wasn't a kids comic). It works out nicely. Doc Ock is distracted by a pretty girl, Spider-Man sees a window to move in and punch Doc Ock out cold, and that's that. Emma doesn't even let Peter say thank you. She just gives him a kiss and runs off.

Now there are a lot of great rewards to being a hero in Marvel Comics. Those rewards can be praise, redemption, and respect. But there are a great many who would gladly sacrifice that and a few limbs for a kiss from Emma Frost. That only makes readers love and hate Peter Parker even more. Once again, he attracts more hot tail than a rich rock star underwear model with a doctorate from Yale. Some guys have all the luck.

It's a great way to end the story. Spider-Man beats the bad guys despite his injuries and gets a kiss form a hot blond. Overall, that's a pretty solid victory if ever there was one. Of course Chat doesn't like it. Another woman kissing her boyfriend doesn't sit well, even if it is a friend. It doesn't help that Peter can't wipe that goofy grin off his face. Who wouldn't be grinning after a kiss from Emma Frost? It's only fitting he get brought down a peg before his ego gets too big.

It all makes for an issue that feels very complete. This issue didn't hide from the previous issue even if it did suck. It also moved some long-standing plots forward, even if it wasn't by much in some areas. It even offers a compelling plot point that is underutilized even in the mainstream comics. It shows what Spider-Man has to do when Peter Parker is injured. It's great stuff that will make some think "Why the fuck do they tell this only in the fucking kids books and not the main books?" Well unlike those main books, this one doesn't suck.

There's not a lot to hate about this book. It shows equal amounts of Peter Parker and Spider-Man. It throws in some relationship drama and highlights the rough logistics of being a hero that so often go unnoticed. And it has Emma Frost. If that's not enough for you, then you're just being difficult. As I said earlier, it's easy for this series to bounce back from a lousy issue. This one certainly did and in a very big way. Paul Tobin once again shows that you don't need deals with the devil or shitty anime art to make a good Spider-Man comic. You just need Peter Parker, the women that love him, and some web-swinging action and that's it!

The final score for Marvel Adventures Spider-Man #6 is a well-deserved 5 out of 5. If you're a Spider-Man fan, you'll have little to be disappointed about here. If you're still bitter about One More Day and the shitty art of Ultimate, this is more than enough to scratch that spider itch. Nuff said.