Uncanny X-men #10 - Casually Charming Awesome

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Wolverine and the X-men #8 - Beastile Awesome

I tend to be harsh on certain characters, but I try to make sure my drunken anger is reserved only for those who deserve it. Characters like Dr. Doom, Sinister, and Rick Santorum deserve it because they're inherently evil. But for the characters that are supposedly heroes, like say Hank McCoy, the standards are a little higher and the drunken anger is that much more drunk. And as I've pointed out on many previous reviews, Beast is more than deserving of the kind of drunken rage reserved for underpaid Irish dock workers. He's been a supreme douche-bag going all the way back to the Utopia arc. He pissed and moaned about Cyclops crossing too many lines. Never mind that doing so yielded mutants their own country and helped them beat Bastion. Never mind that Beast offered no fucking alternatives aside from "I don't approve and I'm just going to be mad at you because I can!" He claims to be smart, but he's not smart enough to do anything but whine. And all he's done since joining Wolverine's side at the Jean Grey Institute is play the role of a glorified handy man.

Now some of my drunken rage may or may not be warranted, but I'm always willing to give a character like Beast a chance to redeem himself. In fact, I welcome it. He's one of the Original Five. He's got more brains in his pinkie finger than I have in ten different heads. I'd love it if somehow he could get a story where he's at least somewhat redeemed. Well he finally has a chance in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. This series has been a top notch provider of awesome so pure that if you injected it into your arm you would die of an overdoes, but die with a raging hard-on and a big fucking smile. It has told the story of the Jean Grey Institute and how it is trying to survive in a post-Schism world where a bunch of homicidal kids are intent on killing them. So far, they've had to contend with phony pregnancies, alien infections, financial problems, killer islands, and alien casinos. If ever there was a more appropriate, albeit fucked up, medium for Beast to redeem himself it's this.

At the end of the first arc for Wolverine and the X-men, there was a brief shot of the Hellfire Kids after they were unceremoniously beaten after trying to throw an army of monsters at the institute. Since kids like to whine and moan when they don't get their way, they decided to do what's logical in the mind of a pre-teen. They make friends with a homicidal killer in Sabretooth. That's right! The guy who got fucking decapitated in the pages of Wolverine came back before Jean Grey came back and without the fucking Phoenix Force no less. There isn't a universe big enough to list all the ways that shit is fucked up. However, he has been making trouble in the Wolverine comics lately and shacking up with Mystique (who can blame him?). Now he's back in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, giving the Hellfire Kids a quick lesson on how to ruthlessly torment their enemies. Now I'm inclined to believe that kids don't need to be told how to be monsters these days, but Sabretooth is one of those guys who can add a personal touch to being a villain. He encourages them to go for the heart and not just throw monsters at the problem. And you know what? He's right! It's refreshing to see a man like Sabretooth assist the youth of the world in becoming accomplished sociopaths.

Sabretooth's desire to maim Wolverine and his school couldn't have come at a better time. The dust from the previous arc has yet to settle. part of said dust involved Wolverine getting his fucking legs broken for trying to cheat an alien casino. That doesn't sound like much until you remember that Wolverine has adamantium bones. Joe Pesci on a meth high armed with a light sabre couldn't have broken his bones, but somehow these aliens did. Beast is understandably perplexed/curious. He says he needs some sort of matter transmutator to help heal his bones. But until then, Wolverine will have to do his best Charles Xavier impression and wheel around in a wheelchair with legs that look like pretzels. Fuck, what is it with the headmasters of mutant institutes that has them end up in wheelchairs? What happened to the good old days when being an administrator only meant the occasional piss in your coffee?

In order to get the necessary tech he needs, Beast decides to pay a visit to SWORD. They deal with aliens all the time and it's a given that they probably confiscate some kick-ass alien tech the same way cops confiscate some blow from drug dealers and share it with some hookers they arrested. Since Beast is currently boning the head of SWORD, Abigail Brand, he gets in the institute's handy space shuttle and takes off while Wolverine is stuck in a wheelchair. All the while Sabretooth is plotting to take advantage of this. During this interval, it's revealed that the conversation with Sabretooth and the Hellfire Kids took place in the recent past. Now it's easy to miss and a little confusing if you're not paying attention or just high (or both). But it is there. It's just way more choppy than it needs to be.

But a plot about Beast making a booty call to his space-faring girlfriend would be too boring for Wolverine and the X-men. The heart of the book is still the students. And like any young students in a school, they find ways to get into trouble. Most settle for just riding around with paintball guns and knocking over mail-boxes. For this round of trouble, Angel decides to start some shit. Why Angel? Who by all accounts has been utterly mind-fucked by the events of the Dark Angel Saga? Well he's going through a bit of a Rick Santorum phase where he thinks he's a real angel meant to carry out the will of god. He's been randomly healing people and acting like every character in a romantic comedy played by Matthew McConaughey. Then when he couldn't heal Wolverine he took it personally and decides to play the role of Angel of Vengeance by traveling to the alien casino planet. It's a very fucked up method of thinking, but then again reason rarely follows religiously motivated vengeance. He doesn't have to go it alone either. Kid Omega and a group of others that include Idie, Broo, Genesis, Kid Gladiator, and Warbird demand to go with him. Kid Gladiator is especially insistent. He's just not happy if he doesn't beat the shit out of someone every day. He's almost like a young Mike Tyson, minus the pigeon obsession.

The kids go off in their twisted space adventure. Meanwhile, Beast prepares to make what should be a simple space booty call to his girlfriend. But when he arrives, he finds out that Sabretooth made himself right at home at SWORD. He started by slaughtering a few hapless SWORD agents and turning them into smears on his spacecraft. He also shows that he has Abigail Brand in a headlock and outside in the vacuum of space no less. He basically dares Beast to take him on in the most hostile environment imaginable. Usually, a man of Hank's IQ would be able to conclude that fighting a sociopath in space that can heal is not a good idea. But the man has his girl. IQ quotients mean dick. So like a good pussy-whipped boyfriend, Beast ventures out into space to take on Sabretooth.

This is the kind of action that Beast hasn't been a part of in nearly a decade. He's been either imprisoned, side-lined, or just fodder in other battles. He's rarely had a personal stake like this, making him seem as relevant as Kathy Griffin in the annuls of X-men. Here, he gets to channel the kind of heroism that made him a member of the Original Five. Now it's still choppy as to how Sabretooth got up into space and overpowered Abigail Brand, but Beast still looks pretty badass for once. So for the first time in my brain damaged memory, I can't come up with a justifiable way to call him a douche-bag.

But even with his girlfriend under threat, he doesn't fare all that well against Sabretooth. He may have the body of a half-man, half-oversized cat but Sabretooth has Weapon X training and routinely practiced kicking ass with Wolverine. Being more brains than balls just doesn't cut it here. Their fight goes from space and crashes through into the SWORD space station, allowing for some gravity assisted ass-kicking. However, Sabretooth has the advantage here and makes good use of it. He not only roughs up Beast. He destroys any nearby space helmets so he can't go after Sabretooth when he leaves him behind to go torture his girl. It's cruel, it's mean, and it's brazen. But it's Sabretooth. Fuck, I didn't realize how much I missed his ugly ass until just now.

While the battle against Sabretooth and Beast is rife with heart-wrenching anger, the battle at the alien casino isn't quite as spectacular. Angel and his fellow students arrive and start randomly picking fights. It's not nearly as well-thought out or well-depicted either. I may just be too drunk, but didn't Angel just want to come to this casino to pay back the guys who broke Wolverine's legs? Or is this just how they decided to skip class? That's not very clear. It would have been okay if the battles were nicely depicted, but they aren't. The only decent moment is when Genesis shows some of his apocalyptic potential and roughs up some of the alien casino thugs. It actually makes for a nice moment between him and Angel, who each reflect on the knowledge that they've had their lives erased and fucked up. Considering their connection, it's ridiculously ironic. It would just be more awesome if the action here was halfway fleshed out.

The battle for Beast's fuck buddy is much more defined. Despite being stuck on the SWORD base with no space helmet, he prepares to go after Sabretooth before he can do a little zero-gravity dissection on Agent Brand. Again, he shows that he has the scrotal strength to go along with his brains. With blatant disregard for his own safety or well-being, he leaps out into the vacuum of space with the understanding that his head may explode and knocks Sabretooth away from his girl. And being a grateful/vindictive woman she is, Brand retrieves Beast and her gun that she had dropped earlier to do a little target practice on Sabretooth. The furball is bloodied, wounded, and blown all the way to the moon. For anyone else, you would consider that excessive. Seeing as how this guy survived getting his head chopped off, it's more than appropriate.

It ends up being a very clean resolution for the X-men, relatively speaking of course. Beast has his girl back and plenty of reasons to guilt her into mountains of makeup sex. The students arrive back at the Jean Grey Institute where Angel reveals that he didn't just go to the casino to rough some people up. He went there to retrieve that transmutator that Beast said he needed to heal Wolverine. It adds some purpose to their little trip, but the poor organization of the fight still made it utterly forgettable. 

What's not as forgettable is the lesson Sabretooth taught the Hellfire kids. Even though he ended up getting his ass blown to the fucking moon, he still proved his point. He showed that the best way to attack an X-man is to hit him in the heart. Now the Hellfire kids are ready to prepare their next attack (after retrieving Sabretooth from orbit of course). With the events of Avengers vs. X-men looking to take hold in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men, they'll have plenty of opportunities and Jason Aaron has a twisted enough imagination to make it awesome!

I've been waiting for a story like this. No, I don't mean a story where Sabretooth gets horribly maimed in an excessively brutal way, although that is plenty appealing in it's own right. I mean a story where Beast actually comes off as someone you don't want to kick repeatedly in the balls with steel-toed boots. This story doesn't completely make up for him being such a massive tool in previous stories, but it does help make him more likable. He braved the icy vacuum of space to save his girlfriend from the clutches of a madman. There are guys in this world won't pick their girlfriends up from the airport if it conflicts with a baseball game. You have to respect that. You also have to respect any story that ends with Sabretooth getting his ass shot to the fucking moon.

It was a satisfying issue for anyone looking for Hank McCoy to finally shine in ways that don't involve him being a wise ass. It wasn't quite as satisfying in the way it dealt with the side-plot involving the impromtu field trip by the students. I get the intent. The plot on the alien casino was a lot of fun in the previous arc. Why not return to it and see what other kinds of awesome you can milk from it? It just could have been a bit less random. It still had some nice moments. Seeing Angel and Genesis reflect on the somewhat fucked up nature of their situation was pretty interesting. Since these two were so strongly linked during the Dark Angel Saga, it's makes sense that they would be linked now and there's definitely some potential for story there. That potential is just lost when there's so little purpose behind returning to the casino other than to pick a fight with the pit bosses that threw their asses out.

This issue wasn't terribly epic, but it made for a nice one-shot that offered some nice character moments for Beast, Genesis, and Angel. It also offered a nice opportunity to bloody up Sabretooth, which can make any comic entertaining. It wasn't a story that needed to be told in the form of an arc, but it still worked and worked well. The lack of rhythm in some areas keep it from being as awesome as it could be. However, it accomplished an important feat in making Beast more likable again. For that in conjunction with Jason Aaron's colorful brand of storytelling, I give Wolverine and the X-men #8 a 4 out of 5. Beast is still an asshole until he walks up to Cyclops and admits that it's bullshit to criticize him for making hard decisions without offering viable alternatives that would have turned out better. However, this arc makes him a little less douchy and worthy of not being the butt of every hairy pussy joke. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #538 - The Politics of Awesome

Wow, it feels kind of strange to be reviewing Uncanny X-men. And not strange in the way I get when I wake up in their backyard spooning their dog. In case you went on a cocaine bender in Costa Rica, Marvel announced that they're ending Uncanny X-men at issue 544 as a result of the Schism event. I have mixed feelings about it. I admit I got a hand-written thank-you letter from the old Ukrainian who runs the liquor store closest to my house. I needed a few stiff drinks after hearing that, but let's face it. Reboot fever has overtaken comics and it's more contagious than chlamydia back stage at a Motley Crue concert. I'll be content if Marvel doesn't fuck up Uncanny to the point where it needs to go into rehab with Lindsey Lohan.

With all this news surrounding Uncanny, it's easy to forget that there's an actual story going on that's been unfolding for the last two issues. Kieron Gillen has the misfortune of shining a flashlight next to nuclear bomb because much of his inaugural arc has been overshadowed by this news. It's been a pretty awesome arc as well. It revisits the story of Breakworld and Kruun, which first developed under Joss Whedon in Astonishing X-men. Now even without the Uncanny news, that shit would be hard enough. That's like trying to dress more outlandishly than Lady Gaga. The odds are not in your favor. But Gillen has proven that he can take the elements of the Breakworld story and craft a quality arc around it. Now it hasn't been anywhere near as epic as what Joss Whedon did, but it's been pretty fucking sweet. It involves aliens stabbing mutants. There aren't too many ways that can't be awesome.

Before the dreaded Uncanny announcement, Gillen's Breakworld arc hit on some powerful moments. Kruun's balls were at an all time high level of hardness. He de-powered Magneto and Colossus. He paralyzed Cyclops and Emma Frost and he didn't even need roofies to do it. He also forced Kitty Pryde out of that stupid space suit she's been stuck in. That alone is enough to make me want to send a bottle of vodka to Kruun. Then she tried to get help, only to end up getting stabbed by Kruun's better half while Kruun himself tried to screw over Wolverine. In the beginning of this issue, we don't see what happens to Kitty. But we do find out that Kruun's plan to subdue Wolverine isn't going very well. Seriously, when has it ever been a good idea to try and sneak up on Wolverine? An alien of any sufficient intelligence should know that's dumber than walking into the den of a grizzly and sodomizing both her cubs.

Whether he's stupid or just has balls, Kruun does give Wolverine a good fight. He proves that he can hold his own against Marvel's most overexposed mutant. He takes some claws to the chest, but to the aliens in Breakworld that's like a shaving cut. You make a big deal about it, they probably call you gay. Kruun doesn't miss a beat. Despite some flesh wounds by Wolverine, he manages to get a stab of his own in the mix. It's not even close to being the most deadly wound Wolverine has ever endured. But it's enough to at least make him stumble a bit.

Just as this fight's getting gruesome, we get an unexpected revelation. Think back beyond any blackouts or acid trips you may have had to the last issue. It ended with Kitty Pryde getting stabbed by Kruun's alien shag partner. Well while he's getting his ass kicked, Kitty shows up next to the wounded Colossus (who got his ass kicked in the last issue mind you). And get this, she's not ghost anymore. She can talk. She can control her powers. Henceforth, she doesn't need that ridiculous space suit!

Now before we offer sacrifice to Odin and Kieron Gillen for doing this, I still have to scratch my head. Even Kruun was confused by this. Out of nowhere, she's back to normal and we don't know how or why. She offers a cryptic hint, but it's so vague that for all we know she could have found a genie and had it grant her a wish. Or she could have channeled the Phoenix Force (she wouldn't be the first one under Gillen) to fix her up. We don't have a fucking clue. Gillen's avoided being to contrived with his stories so far so this is pretty disappointing. However, the blow is softened by the promise that we won't see that damn space suit anymore.

Whatever the case, Kruun is pissed. He looks to rough Kitty up the same way like Joe Pecci on a cocaine binge. Unfortunately for Kruun, Kitty Pryde isn't completely retarded. She didn't come alone. Kruun only took out Cyclops and Emma Frost in the last issue. He didn't take out Storm, Iceman, Psylocke, Namor, Angel, or Jean Gre-I mean Hope Summers (damn it, you would think after all my Generation Hope reviews I would get that shit right). These are not characters you can just brush aside. You fuck with their friends and your asshole better be covered by your health insurance.

Kruun shows he's not completely retarded either. He doesn't even try to take on all these X-men. He basically raises his hands Bernie Madoff style and says he's caught. He even reveals that the 'cure' he injected Colossus and Magneto with were basically like New Coke. It'll disappear and go back to their classic versions fairly quickly. He knows he's in deep shit. He gets even more pissed when Kitty brings up Heleena, who if you recall stabbed Kitty in the previous issue. Rather than turn himself in, Kruun decides to pull a ninja trick and run. He's not retarded, but he's not a little bitch either.

Kitty goes after Kruun while the others help Colossus. He's still in combat mode so he threatens Kitty with nerve gas if he doesn't allow him to take Heleena and leave. Just because the X-men now have an excuse to kick his ass doesn't mean he's going to drop his pants and bend over the nearest chair. There's just one problem with his terrorist demands. Heleena isn't exactly in a state to do anything. In the same place where Kitty got stabbed, now she's basically doing a Nichole Simpson impersonation in the middle of the lab.

Now it's still pretty damn confusing at this point. We know something happened, but it just keeps getting more vague. A flashback here would be nice. It would be a hell of a lot easier than trying to pick out from these words what the hell happened. But we get no such thing. So even though Kitty is out of the damn space suit, we don't don't know the how and why. I'm all for mystery, but without clearer hints it just becomes an incoherent mind fuck. It's like the anti-Matrix.

When an explanation does come around, it's just told. It's not shown. Kitty explains that Heleena did actually kill her, but then she used this machine that he was going to use on Cyclops and Colossus. Heleena brought her back to life, fixing her powers in the process. Kruun is obviously not pleased. He's prepared to use the nerve gas again, pulling the equivalent of an alien Shakespeare play. Then Kitty gives him reason to stop and think before he subjects himself to nerve gas that will burn his skin off like the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. She gives him a letter that Heleena wrote for him. It basically explained what she did and why she did it. Long story short, their world is gone. They shouldn't keep tying themselves down to the bullshit traditions and taboos that got them kicked out in the first place. It makes a lot of sense, but considering there are still religious cults who sacrifice goats it's a little outrageous that a simple letter could change his mind.

Kruun could have been a complete douche-bag here and just dropped the nerve gas. But as Gillen has shown throughout this arc, he's not the kind of insane psychopath who would just randomly fuck himself when the going got tough. He actually shows that he has the alien equivalent of a heart when he sacrifices his own life force to save Heleena. In Breakworld culture, that's the act of ultimate submission. That's like willingly becoming someone's prison bitch to the point where you never take solid shits again. But Kruun goes through with it. He saves Heleena. Either he loves her that much or he's really that whipped.

Now here's where there's even more ambiguity. Did Kruun sacrifice his life? Or did he just sacrifice enough to save Heleena? If you read this over having already read the spoilers online, you would be confused. Because it really isn't clear. Just as the reasons behind Kitty Pryde's return to form isn't clear, some of this stuff is just left to a reader's imagination. The problem is some readers killed a lot of brain cells in college. It hurts the story when shit isn't clear. Kieron Gillen hasn't had that issue to this point so it is a disappointing moment.

Minor spoiler alert, Kruun lives. However, there's still a problem. Just what the hell are they going to do with these aliens? Flash forward a bit and Cyclops tells Abigail Brand (who has been completely detached from this plot) that the refugees they have are doing okay. Since Kruun's little breakthrough, the X-men have gone about teaching them such radical ideas as peace, co-operation, and not solving problems by stabbing them. Brand reports that the conflicts on Breakworld have magically lessened, meaning there are fewer refugees and they won't have to worry about another influx. Seriously, where the fuck was that story? Also, the mayor of San Francisco agreed to allow the Breakworlder's to stay. That's right, a mayor of an American city is allowing an alien race to set up shop. Somewhere in the Marvel universe, Glenn Beck and Lou Dobbs just blew their brains out in protest.

It's a hell of a transition. Kruun went from vengeful exile to California tax payer. It's a strange way to resolve an issue, but it has a touch of novelty. The way it works is the mayor gave them access to a part of town that no one really give a shit about in the city. In a town full of mutants, gays, and S&M clubs it's probably the only place in the world besides maybe Japan where their weirdness helps them fit in. Kruun even goes so far as to stop his own people from harassing a homeless lady. From crazy alien warrior to a West Coast liberal. It's a transition that's utterly fucked up, but not as messy as the usual resolutions in X-men. I give Kieron Gillen credit for doing something different.

As for Kitty and Colossus, they finally have their moment after Colossus heals up. They meet on the same cliff where they started, except Kitty isn't wearing that stupid space suit. That means they can touch again and cuddle in all the ways that make the Catholic Church (or orthodox Jews in Kitty's case) cringe. It's a simple, sweet moment between two characters that basically got shafted for nearly five years in the books. In a world where guys make deals with Mephisto to undo their marriages, it's nice to see a happy couple for once. Hopefully Marvel gives them some time before they decide to fuck it up.

And so we're one issue closer to the end of Uncanny X-men. I'm still mixed about it. I admit it was hard to read this issue without dwelling on this series ending in a mere six issues. I read it while drunk and while sober. I just couldn't get around that. Never-the-less, I was still able to enjoy this story. It did exactly what I hoped it would do. It got Kitty Pryde out of that stupid ass space suit. I know I've made a big deal about that on multiple reviews, but it really was an annoying little plot that needed to be resolved. Details aside, it's been resolved now. Kitty is back to her old self. She and Colossus can now pick up where they left off. I'm sure Colossus will enjoy petting his pretty Kitty in her full tangible form from now on.

While I enjoyed the overall resolution of the issue, I did find some elements a bit overly confusing. It just took too long from the moment Kitty showed up fully healed to the moment where it was explained. Now it was certainly a given that Kitty wasn't going to die after the final page of the previous issue. Otherwise Marvel would be hyping that story up like Mike Tyson comeback fight. But it would have been nice to get at least a flashback or some hint as to what happened to get her back to normal. In addition, the moment with Kruun at the end a little off. His dialog implies that he's sacrificing his life. Then a few pages later, he's wearing a T-shirt from the Gap and hauling wood like a day-laborer. It's confusing and it limits the overall impact. The whole resolution with Breakworld does seem a little underwhelming. It's a novel idea to have Kruun and his people set up shop in San Francisco, but I would expect that to be a much more tricky solution. It seems too convenient and too complete.

Despite the resolution, Kieron Gillen's writing is still spot on. Terry Dodson's art is still solid. His first arc has been a great exploration of the Uncanny world. It's somewhat reassuring that he'll be the one guiding this series to it's end and inevitable relaunch. He definitely shows that he has the writing skills. However, the end of this arc and the structure of this story hold it back. Gillen's writing isn't the problem. It's the organization of the overall plot that hurts this arc. I can't give too low a score, but I can't give it as high a score as I did the other issues. In the end Uncanny X-men #538 gets a 3.5 out of 5. It's slightly above average in terms of writing and characterization. It suffers from a disorganized plot and shaky resolution. It's still awesome, but there's so much more potential that can and should be realized before the final issue. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #536 - Drunk on Awesome

So it's the week of the Thor movie premier and I'm planning to get so shit-faced on the sweet alcohol of awesome that I will likely wake up naked at the foot of Charlie Sheen's bed or in a gutter outside Tijuana with a note pinned to my balls. It's been a hectic week and I've had more than my share of personal issues. Let's just say my skewed view on comics is only the 283th thing wrong with me. As a result I wasn't able to review Uncanny X-men #536 last week. Cut me some slack. I was practicing my hangover recovery strategy. But after Kieron Gillen's solid showing in Uncanny X-men #535 I had every intention of giving a thorough assessment of this book. Since Mr. Gillen has been such a generous sport, I'm not going to review this issue while drunk! I may be a little stoned, but two out of three ain't bad.

Kieron Gillen began his run by revisiting one of the seminal stories from another run. You may have heard of it. It's by the guy who's now directing the Avengers movie, aka the role most fanboys masturbate to in addition to pictures of Emma Frost and Jean Grey going down on each other. His name escapes me. But all you need to know is the story was pretty damn awesome and was left open ended. That story involved the aliens of Breakworld, a planet where war and violence are activities at summer camp. In the last issue they arrived at Earth, prompting Abigail Brand of SWORD to call the X-men for help. They infiltrated their approaching ship and met up with Kruun, the grand poobah of Breakworld's blood-loving brethren. But to everyone's surprise, they didn't come to Earth in hopes of finishing what that giant bullet was supposed to do. They came seeking refuge, which left many including the reader more confused than Paris Hilton in a quantum physics lecture.

Uncanny X-men #536 begins with Kruun explaining himself. His ship has docked with SWORD and he's sitting at a table with Brand and the X-men. He doesn't demand they play an alien version of Russian Roulette. He doesn't even ask Colossus to arm wrestle him for the right to see Kitty Pryde naked. He just talks, expressing his disdain for diplomats and describing how Breakworld has devolved into a series of slapfights. There's no grand megawar that they can all jerk off to. It's just a bunch of whiny guys bitching about someone having a bigger dick than them. Apparently that wasn't to Kruun's liking so he fled and now wants to set up shop on Earth. Cyclops, unable to resist that puppy dog look from a blood-thirsty alien, agrees to help while Brand agrees to do the paperwork. I can just see how Republicans would spin this comic as a protest against illegal immigration.

This goes over about as smoothly as a date with Rick James. The X-men don't just agree to help. They agree to let Krunn and his cronies stay on Utopia, all without consulting the mutants who live there no less. You wonder how they feel about a race of aliens that shot a giant bullet at them might feel about this. Then again, Cyclops points out correctly that they were responsible for what happened to Breakworld. Kruun left his planet because of what they did. So they're responsible whether they like it or not. It results in turning Utopia into an Early version of Mos Eisley's from Star Wars.

It's especially disconcerting for Colossus, who was for a time labeled the anti-god for Breakworld. So he takes a stroll with Kitty, who is still wearing that stupid space suit. Being the nice guy that he is, Colossus actually shows some sympathy for these aliens that took his girlfriend away from him. That alone makes him more forgiving than Jesus on Vicodin. Kitty shows no hard feelings about being trapped in a bullet as well. Together they go out of their way to learn more about the aliens that so fucked them up. It's either exceedingly badass or stupid, but Colossus isn't waving his dick in their face so it's nothing if not heroic.

They talk to a number of Breakworld aliens. They all have their story to tell. Gillen does a good job here showing that they really aren't human. They think in terms of beating the shit out of one another. The whole concept of mercy to them is like the concept of sobriety is to an alcoholic. It just doesn't compute. It's a nice insight at a situation when it would be so easy to start blowing shit up. I admire the restraint because I can see so many other writers turning this into mutants vs. aliens round 293852.

For a moment, it looks as though Kitty and Colossus are making some friends. Then Kruun has to be a massive tool and basically put a clamp on any potential for peace between Breakworld and the mutants that got the better of them. He basically whines how his people are so pathetic, running from their homeworld and seeking refuge with the very people that fucked him over. In a ways he has a point. It's still no excuse for being a douche-bag.

There's an interesting exchange here where Kruun describes how he brought Colossus back to life. A planet like Breakworld isn't exactly on the cutting edge of resurrection science. They don't do the whole life-saving shit. They sacrifice people to bring them back and that's what happened with Colossus. It's an unusual perspective, his life being the result of a sacrifice from five slaves. Because of that, Kruun looks down on Colossus. He lost his damn arm and he still thinks Colossus bears more shame. He pities the man so much that when someone from Breakworld finally tries to get back at him for fucking up their already fucked up lives, Kruun stops him.

It's a provocative moment. Not quite as provocative as Joss Whedon's foot fetish in his movies, but right up there. The Breakworld aliens may be brutal, but they do have their own sense of culture. That culture emphasizes shame, not unlike cultures in the real world that think burning incense around the bodies of prostitutes will absolve them of their shame. Kruun has more reason than anyone to stick a blade between Colossus's eyes, but he won't do it in a shameful way. He may be a douche, but he's an honorable douche. I'll give him that.

While he's scorning his people and himself for being so dishonorable, he's confronted by Magneto. Anyone who read Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men #534.1 remembers that he's had a major boner for the metal that made up the bullet that Breakworld fired at them. Being the inquisitive sociopath he's always been, he asks Kruun to explain it. Kruun isn't a scientist, but he's got a lot of free time on his hands and since Breakworlders don't appear to jerk off too often he humors the man.

It's a meeting of sociopathic minds. There's another interesting play on Breakworld culture here. They don't have much use for words like technology or magic when describing what their metal can do. They use the same word they've always used. They think of it as a weapon, one they use to train themselves in the art of brutalizing their enemies. Magneto wants to learn more. Kruun says he needs more metal to show him. Magneto, never missing an opportunity to help a fellow sociopath, asks for a half hour. This leaves Kruun alone in the lab with nothing to do. That's like leaving Keith Richards in a room with a mountain of cocaine. You're just asking for trouble.

It shouldn't come to anyone's surprise that Kruun uses this window to show that he's the bigger douche. Magneto has gone soft. His curiosity leads Kruun to take out Madison Jefferies and have a little fun with the whole mutant cure serum that happens to be lying around. You get the sense here that Gillen had to do a great many favors for Joss Whedon. Some of them may involve acts that aren't legal in certain states, but for a story that carries on his Astonishing legacy I would say it's worth it.

Kruun shows that his world may have gotten old broadcasts of McGuiver. He takes the samples of the cure and fashions them into poison darts, the likes of which Bear Grylls would be proud of. So when Magneto returns 28 minutes later, Kruun definitively proves that his sociopathic dick is way bigger. He effectively de-powers Magneto. Now it's doubtful whether it's permanent or not, but he renders the man as impotent as Elton John at a Hustler club. You would think Magneto would be smarter, but the guy is just not as crazy smart as he used to be. He's just half-crazy and half-smart, which for Kruun isn't nearly crazy enough.

Magneto doesn't put up much of a fight without his powers. Kruun, being the guy from the race of brutal warriors, ties him up and throws him in a closet with Madison Jefferies. This could make for a great gay joke, but Kruun demonstrates more of his unique insight. Everything to him is a weapon. It's a weapon necessary for him to get what he wants, which is revenge against the guy who fucked up his world. Armed with the metal Magneto so generously gathered for him, he's prepared to go after Colossus and avenge his people. It's almost Shakespearean, but Shakespeare never used kick-ass aliens. It sets the stage for a major clash in the next issue. The one-armed alien psychopath against the metal-skinned Russian, it's a fight so laced with awesome that you could put on on pay-per-view!

There's a lot to like about this issue. Kieron Gillen continues to take Uncanny down paths Matt Fraction never attempted, perhaps because it did too little to make Cyclops and Emma Frost more awesome. With this arc, he's giving other characters a chance to really shine. Colossus and Kitty were the diplomatic ones in this issue, not Cyclops and Emma Frost. There was also a continuation of the story surrounding Magneto's fascination with the Breakworld metal. It's an example of the dreaded C-word, continuity. Gillen has been using it wisely since he took over. From this side-story with Magneto, the story with Kruun and Breakworld takes a new and exciting twist. It comes together so perfectly that you almost want to toast it with a shot of gin. Then again, I toast damn near everything with a shot of gin so that may not be saying much.

If there's any shortcoming to this issue, it's that the action was somewhat sporadic. There were only a few minor fights, but they weren't insignificant. They all had a purpose for the story. Not every fight has to involve a planet-busting brawl. Kieron Gillen chose to keep the scale small, at least for this issue. It helped add depth to Kruun and the aliens of Breakworld, which is something you don't see enough of in comics. Usually the aliens are just Independence Day style psycho-killers that would grind our bones and snort them. It's nice to see some aliens with a little personality, deranged it may be. While the scale was acceptable, the transitions were a bit shaky at the beginning and the pacing of the story felt a little sporadic. But it's not nearly enough to take away from the quality of the book.

Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men run continues it's good start. This issue is solid all around. It takes the events of the previous issue and develops them in a way that doesn't feel rushed while not feeling too boring either. The pacing may be a little spotty, but it's still a satisfying story in the end. It sets the stage for what could certainly be a very brutal ending. So overall, I give Uncanny X-men #536 a 4.5 out of 5. Gillen has done a great deal to keep Uncanny X-men in the same league as books like Uncanny X-Force. With Fear Itself looming, he has his work cut out for him. For now, he's handling it with the same skill that Kruun handles his weapons. Nuff said!