Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #18

Every so often, I take what I think is just an aspirin and later find out that it’s a hit of acid. It may still cure my headache, but it also gives me visions of Elvis riding a unicorn while an army of naked Megan Fox’s follow him. It’s not always that pleasant though. Sometimes those naked Megan Fox’s turn out to be elves with the face of Gary Busey. That’s why I really need to learn to label all my shit. But sometimes I’m perfectly okay with being that surprised. That’s why when I saw the cover for Uncanny X-men #18, I was okay with the idea of it being yet another story about how Cyclops finds a new way to piss off SHIELD, Wolverine, or the NRA. But that’s actually not what the issue is about. Sorry NRA supporters, but there are no guns in this story. It actually does something different in the sense that it probably should’ve done something like this several issues ago. I know that sounds confusing and me being drunk sure doesn’t help. But I’ll try to put my review of Uncanny X-men #18 in the right context. But if elves start appearing, then take that as a sign that I’ve fucked it up.

For the past few issues, Uncanny X-men has been focusing on its own affairs, namely helping the new students for the New Xavier School to grow up real fucking fast and learn that the their performance in the X-men won’t be graded on a curve. It already led to Hijack being expelled. But these harsh lessons were fairly detached from the events of All New X-men, which is in the middle of an interstellar version of Law and Order Shi’ar style. It hasn’t kept the series from being awesome, but it has made it feel somewhat disconnected, which was okay until Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men decided to ditch the Jean Grey Institute and join them. Ignoring them would be sort of like ignoring the hobo that takes a shit in the living room at least twice a day.

But as soon as they get back from expelling Hijack, the events of The Trial of Jean Grey are officially acknowledged. It may seem like the most logical thing in the world, the O5 disappearing after a full frontal assault by the Shi’ar. But can anyone say with a sober mind and a straight face that they would be surprised if this was just glossed over in Uncanny? I sure as hell can’t, even with an unsober mind. It creates a moment of perfect convergence where Uncanny X-men and All New X-men really feel like they’re the part of the same saga. It may not carry much weight for some and it may even disrupt the ongoing plot with the new students at the New Xavier School, but it creates a special kind of coherence for this series. And for someone like me where coherence is usually in short supply, and often overrated, that goes a long ways.

The team starts scrambling for answers and they quickly surmise that they were the victims of a Shi’ar style house party, complete with property damage and missing teenagers. In fact, a Shi’ar house party sounds a whole lot like some of the frat parties I went to in college, but with more beer and more property damage. But in figuring out that the Shi’ar just paid them an unexpected and unpleasant visit, another act of convergence unfolds. But this time, it’s not quite as satisfying.

Just when seeing Cyclops act so shell-shocked at the disappearance of the O5 X-men, it cuts to a flashback of a very unusual kind. It’s two weeks ago. Cyclops is still struggling with his powers and trying to run a school with an ex-girlfriend who won’t let him see her naked anymore. Then while he’s clearly not in the mood to see anyone, Magik drops in and brings Kitty Pryde with her. And apparently, this happens before she and the O5 joined the New Xavier School so she’s not on friendly terms with him to say the very least. Her first instinct is the same as Wolverine’s in that she wants to strangle him like Rush Limbaugh wants to strangle Sandra Fluke, albeit in a non-sexual way.

Now this may sound a bit random and out of place. It is to a certain extent. I sure as hell felt that way when I first saw it, but then again I don’t read comics sober so it takes me more time to see the context. And thankfully, I haven’t killed enough brain cells to forget the events of X-men Battle of the Atom. In that story, Kitty Pryde actually does seek Cyclops out for help when she decides to aid the O5 X-men rather than give them over to what turned out to be the future Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. It was a critical moment in X-men Battle of the Atom, but one that left a lot of shit happening off-panel, including Kitty actually confronting Cyclops for help. But does it really make sense that she would trust him to help her when not long ago, she was calling him a fucking psychopath? The simple answer is fuck no, but I admit the thought honestly hadn’t crossed my mind. I just shrugged it off as one of the many details that Battle of the Atom glossed over. So seeing that fateful encounter take place here finally fills in that not-so-gaping plot-hole. It’s late, but I’m okay with something being late, so long as it doesn’t involve one of my ex-girlfriend’s periods.

And the scene that unfolds in this encounter would’ve made X-men Battle of the Atom a lot more dramatic and a lot more awesome. As soon as Kitty Pryde sees Cyclops, her first instinct is to phase her hand into his brain and threaten to turn it into dripping chunks that can only be found in cheap hot dogs. It’s not the first time someone’s first instinct has been to kill Cyclops after Avengers vs. X-men. In fact, I don’t think it’s even the third. I’m too drunk to keep count. But even though Kitty Pryde is supposed to be asking for help, she hasn’t forgotten that this is the guy who killed Charles Xavier. And like vehement Hillary Clinton haters, she tends to hold a grudge.

Now this would have been a lot more dramatic if this little hissy fit unfolded in a way that was slightly less predictable. But as understandable as Kitty’s outburst may be, what plays out should give anyone who doesn’t smoke as much weed as me a major case of déjà vu. Cyclops essentially repeats the same speech he repeated when he recruited O5 Angel and in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences. Cyclops loved Charles Xavier like a father, but he did die by his hands. He admits responsibility for his actions. He admits it haunts him every day. None of this is anything he hasn’t said or implied before. The only difference is that he has Kitty Pryde threatening to phase his brain out of his skull. And that’s really not much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.

His speech has a fairly predictable effect. If Wolverine couldn’t bring himself to kill the man who both murdered Charles Xavier and made sure he never got to touch Jean Grey’s boobs, then how could Kitty Pryde ever bring herself to do it? It still makes for a nice emotional moment where she laments on how much she misses Xavier. Cyclops even shares it with her, reminding her that he felt the same way when she went missing after being trapped in a giant fucking bullet for so long. It’s another nice reminder that it’s not unusual for characters to go missing/die. But they eventually come back. They even entertain the thought that he might come back. And unless Xavier changes his name to Gwen Stacy, that’s always a possibility.

In the end, Kitty Pryde accepts that she’s not going to be able to kill Cyclops. She also accepts that he’s not full of shit when he says he regrets what he did. Yes, it was predictable as hell, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful. In fact, it helps put a number of things into context. Kitty Pryde has been remarkably friendly with Cyclops in recent issues, especially since X-men Battle of the Atom. Some speculated that it was because Kitty wanted to jump Cyclops’s bone. That may in fact be a distinct possibility, but I guess that could be said about any woman in the X-men comics. The main point of this little hissy fit is that it puts them in good terms so that they can trust each other. That means that when Kitty Pryde asks Cyclops to help her save the O5 X-men from being sent back to the past, he’s more inclined to do so without worrying that she’ll phase his spine out through his urethra. It’s still late and out of place, but it works.

Flash forward a week or so and Kitty Pryde joins Cyclops’s team having already worked through all that melodramatic bullshit. It makes for a much smoother transition. It shows her adjusting to her new surroundings nicely. She has already gotten around to annoying the hell out of Emma Frost, which at one point was her favorite pastime. Now Emma Frost is a little melodramatic here, claiming that Kitty Pryde joining the team is part of some elaborate plot to piss her off. She even claims that she conspired to bring Jean Grey back into the picture. She calls it a happy accident, but I can’t say I blame Emma for feeling that way. Plus, her not being able to mind fuck Kitty is a nice bonus. So in the end, this helps make for both an easy transition and a pissed off Emma Frost. For her, that’s as big a win-win without Colossus and Pete Wisdom dressing up as male strippers.

But Kitty Pryde may be alone in having an easy transition to the New Xavier School. One of the other more glaring plot-holes of this change was how Cyclops never really interacted much with the O5. Again, most would shrug at this oversight because it meant taking time away from X-23 and hugs. But in fact, there was a point where Cyclops did at least make an effort to open up to O5 Jean and O5 Cyclops. It didn’t really amount to much though. His talk with O5 Jean basically amounted to an awkward hello, not unlike the one I had to do the last time my parole officer showed up at my front door and I answered stoned, drunk, and high on cocaine. I just got my tax refund. I’m not apologizing.

There’s still some interesting hints offered by this interaction. O5 Jean reveals that she still has the wedding invitation that O5 Cyclops gave her and she kept when she could have easily left it back at the Jean Grey Institute. She also reveals that Beast showed her pieces of their future together, but Cyclops made it clear that he didn’t know the full story. He also probably implied that Beast was a total douche-bag, but I think that goes without saying at this point. O5 Jean still has a hard time digesting it. And maybe that’s to be expected. She still is at that stage where she’s trying to avoid her future and doesn’t have X-23 competing with her for hugs. It feels incomplete, but hopefully that only means they’ll get to have another chat after the Trial of Jean Grey.

Cyclops also has a chance to catch up with his younger self as well. But again, it’s a very short and very incomplete conversation. At least this time, O5 Cyclops doesn’t just walk off and leave him with a bruised ego and sore balls. He actually asks for advice. Cyclops only tells him to stay away from women because they will be the source of so many problems. He probably only says that jokingly because I imagine the memories he has of Jean Grey’s ass and Emma Frost’s tits make all the crap they put him through more than worth it. I mean can’t every man say that to some degree? Women do frustrate the living hell out of us, but fuck they’re worth it. And I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk and horny. It still felt like they had a chance to talk about more, like the death of Charles Xavier. But that’s something else that gets cut off and hopefully they’ll have another chance to deal with that after the Trial of Jean Grey. But by then, O5 Cyclops may be asking about how much hugging with X-23 is too much.

All these flashbacks and overdue moments are nice and all, but in the end they don’t do jack shit to help the current crisis at hand. Being more stoned than usual, I almost forgot that this issue began with Cyclops and his team finding out that Kitty and the O5 X-men are missing and the Shi’ar attacked. He starts formulating plans, assuming they’ll need to be rescued at some point. He probably has no idea they’ve now teamed up with his father, who is now miraculously alive, and a team that consists of a talking tree and a gun-toting raccoon. But not much really comes from these plans. It’s not clear if they’ll even follow them. Magik even suggests they just shrug it off and trust that a bunch of time-displaced teenagers will be able to handle a hostile race of advanced aliens. The sad thing is that this is probably what will end up happening.

This issue was an unexpected surprise in that it explored some of the moments that were seemingly glossed prior to Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men joining Cyclops’s team. Now maybe I was just more drunk than usual, but it didn’t really bother me that they joined his team and didn’t really sit down to discuss all the bad blood that was still between them. Okay, maybe I was really drunk because this shit did bother me. I just didn’t expect it to be addressed in this issue. The problem was that Cyclops really didn’t make any new arguments to Kitty Pryde that he hasn’t made before. I get it. He regrets what happened to Xavier and his former teammates, like Kitty Pryde, hate his guts for it. But we’ve seen this shit before and there’s nothing new about it. At the very least, it shows that Kitty Pryde did enough venting to tolerate the idea of being on Cyclops’s team. While her hissy fit was overblown, the interactions with O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean were very under-developed. And maybe that’s by design so that finding out the Shi’ar may have abducted them has more impact. Uncanny X-men #18 does a nice job of essentially reconnecting this series with the events of All New X-men. It just cut and paste way too much shit from other issues. If it were paper in college, it might raise a few red flags from professors looking for an excuse to screw their students over. But at a time when everything is a reboot or a remake, I can’t be too harsh. I give Uncanny X-men #18 a 6 out of 10. Maybe Cyclops should just do what Hillary Clinton does and rehearse all his speeches ahead of time. It’ll be annoying and it’ll sound painfully insincere, but it would make dealing with the pissed off Kitty Prydes of the Marvel Universe that much easier.

Uncanny X-men #18 - Last Ditch Awesome

Every great story is usually built around either an epically awesome or epically fucked up relationship. Usually, one side of that relationship has big tits. In recent times we've already seen how relationship drama can get readers excited, soaking panties and making dicks hard in comic shops all over the world. The bonerific reveal with Superman and Wonder Woman made national fucking news. When Marvel broke up Spider-Man and Mary Jane's marriage with a fucking deal with the devil, fans everywhere threw an epic fit that probably ensured that Joe Quesada's coffee will always have a certain amount of urine in it. The point is readers care about who their favorite characters are boning. That's why the Cyclops/Emma Frost relationship has always been a delightful/nauseating topic of conversation.

I've brought this relationship up on many different occasions with this blog. Some of the time it's to point out how Marvel knows that a good chunk of their audience jerks off to these comics because they constantly put Cyclops and Emma in scenes you don't find in good relationships, but you do find in nearly every porno ever made. Most of the time it's also to point out how Marvel has fucked this relationship up in ways no porno could ever adequately depict. This relationship was not billed as the epic love story between Cyclops and Jean Grey. It was supposed to be different. But different is not just bed scenes and witty remarks ripped off from episodes of Two and a Half Men.

Moreover, Marvel has shown time and again that they will not do anything whatsoever to inject any drama into this relationship. They've officially become the same sacred cow that fans used to bitch and moan about with Cyclops and Jean. They're two characters that are just together for the sake of it. Cyclops and Emma don't act romantic. They don't get married. They don't raise a family. They just fuck and pose so that fans can jerk off to them more easily. And even when Namor showed that he may be snaking his way into Emma's panties, Marvel did absolutely jack shit with it. Now I roll my eyes and take a shot of whiskey every time Marvel pretends they're going to rough things up between them. As you would expect, it leaves me very skeptical and very drunk. So it's not a total loss.

Well Avengers vs. X-men promised to mix things up with them. There have been some signs in the story with Cyclops focusing on finding Hope when Emma is clearly getting drunk off Phoenix power. Then there are the covers like Avengers vs. X-men #11 that shows them fighting. Well, covers of this nature often reek of bullshit with Marvel. So I took my obligatory shots ahead of time. But for Uncanny X-men #18, the story promises to focus on the conflict between Cyclops and Emma. Usually when there's conflict, that just means Marvel is trying to find another way for them to have makeup sex. So going into this story, I had the whiskey and the bottle of lube ready and waiting.

Uncanny X-men #18 starts with Cyclops channeling his inner Charlie Sheen when Magneto says this shit may be going to far. Again, I can't help but wonder what "too far" means in this context. He's creating a worldwide utopia. How can that be going to far? That's like having sex with a beautiful women and having too many orgasms. You might as well warn someone that they're being too good. But Cyclops flat out tells Magneto off, reminding him that there's one key difference between them. Cyclops is actually winning. He created a worldwide utopia while the best Magneto could do was have his daughter go crazy and warp reality to his whim. That's not winning. That's cheating.

But it isn't all about Cyclops, Charlie Sheen, and winning. One plot that's been lost in the shit storm that is Avengers vs. X-men is the fate of the Phoenix Five that lost their share of the Phoenix Force. We still haven't seen what Namor has been up to since he lost his share. He's presumably drowning his sorrows in a three-way with two hot blondes that Hugh Hefner got tired off. But for Colossus and Magik, it's a bit less lurid. After having been tricked into beating the Phoenix (among other things) out of one another, they're left to ponder how much it sucks not to have cosmic power anymore. Magik appears as indifferent as any girl who watched too much MTV in the early 90s, but Colossus is lamenting at how crazy he got while hopped up on the Phoenix Force. It's like Rick James saying cocaine is a hell of a drug, but with less bravado. If he's this torn up over how guilty he feels for just flaunting his cosmic power to impress his ex-girlfriend, it's hard to imagine how fucked up Cyclops will be when he comes to. But that's for another issue and another drunken review.

But in Colossus's pained musings, Magik does what annoying siblings are supposed to do and pour sulfuric acid in fresh wounds. It actually looks like she gets a pussy boner seeing Colossus lament over what he's done. She then uses this opportunity to let her know that she intended for him to become the new Juggernaut. Back during the Fear Itself tie-in, she never expected that she would have to be the one that gets more hulked out than Barry Bonds on a bad day. She actually wanted her brother to sacrifice himself to become Juggernaut. Why, you ask? Can it just be for the same reasons that normal sisters tell you that they poked holes in your condoms before your prom night? Actually, it's not quite that cruel. She just wanted him to understand that she was not his snowflake anymore. She was utterly damned and he should've accepted it. And he finally does if by accept you mean get extremely pissed and attack her with his full Juggernaut power.

This moment may seem out of place for an Avengers vs. X-men tie in. Perhaps it would be better suited for this story to play out in the pages of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences, which is set to come out after this shit has finally been pinched off and flushed. But it does add some compelling insight to the overall event in that it shows how the Phoenix Force fucked with its hosts. It showed how Colossus couldn't stop himself and how few fucks Magik gave in the end. And like Sinister, it tied into some of the earlier plots Kieron Gillen established in his Uncanny X-men run. Even in an event that has been shot to shit, those connections help make it a little extra awesome.

While two siblings are finally at each others' throats like they should have been long ago, two lovers are in a similar position. Cyclops and Emma are enjoying a nice, fancy feast in the midst of a looming battle with the Avengers. Actually, they're not really having a feast of any kind. All this shit is happening in their minds. Seeing as how their entire relationship was built on fooling around with their thoughts to fulfill deviant sexual fetishes, it seems appropriate. Then Emma reveals that their steak dinner was dipped in human blood and Cyclops loses his appetite. You know you're dating a crazy psycho-bitch when she starts making light of cannibalism.

We also find out that while this may be happening in their minds, the battle with the Avengers and X-men is still going on. In fact, all this shit seems to be happening within the panels of Avengers vs. X-men #11. It's a little confusing and it certainly doesn't match up precisely if you read both issues together (which isn't recommended since Avengers vs. X-men #11 sucked donkey ass). But this is one instance where it's probably best for a tie-in not to match up with the main event book. Since the event book sucks, it can only make the tie-in suck worse.

But Kieron Gillen doesn't really emphasize the battle going on outside their minds. The focus is mostly on the conversation between Cyclops and Emma. They discuss how pretty much everyone in the X-men has turned on them. Again, they don't really explain why. They went through the trouble of creating a worldwide utopia. Apparently, that's too evil for them. And they're now fighting with the Avengers, the same assholes to started this fight and kept making shit worse with their attacks on the Phoenix. So it's actually understandable when Emma suggests that they don't deserve a utopia and they should just torch the planet and start from scratch. It's a very Emma Frost thing to say, probably because it would mean she's less likely to break a nail. But Cyclops says otherwise.

This leads a conversation that probably would have made Avengers vs. X-men #11 a lot less shitty. First, Emma flat out admits that she mind-humped Namor during the Wakanda attack. She doesn't even show a shred of remorse for it and Cyclops barely cringes. She claims that she still loves Cyclops, but how much weight does that love carry when you admit you want to fuck another guy? It's another instance of Gillen tying in some of the other plots he's explored in the pages of Uncanny X-men and this time it's not just brushed aside. It seems to rub more salt in the open wound that has become the Cyclops/Emma relationship. For so long, Marvel has pretty much ignored any potential drama between these two because apparently they derive every aspect of their relationship from bad pornos. This time they're being a bit more direct and it's long overdue.

It all culminates in the big climactic scene that also ended Avengers vs. X-men #11. After hearing that his girlfriend wants to torch the planet and fuck other men, Cyclops essentially gives her a Phoenix powered bitch slap. He makes clear that he doesn't see eye-to-eye with her anymore and proceeds to blast her in the midst of the battle, which did happen in Avengers vs. X-men #11. He then proceeded to take her portion of the Phoenix, but Gillen was a bit more poetic about it. Rather than rip it out of her, he drank it in the form of a fine glass of wine. There's a certain level of subtle awesome in that gesture and one that I think sends a much greater message than what was sent in the regular comic. The end basically shows Cyclops just before he goes Dark Phoenix, but seeing as how Avengers vs. X-men #11 was such a piss poor book you're probably better off just using your imagination.

Now this could end up being the end of Cyclops and Emma's relationship. When one character rips their share of cosmic power out of another, that tends to be the kind of shit that couples therapy doesn't help. But at the same time, Marvel could just as easily brush this off by having Cyclops say "The Phoenix made me do it!" and they can go back to fucking in bed so that the Marvel editors can jerk off on their lunch break. I personally hope that this is the end of it, but when has Marvel ever catered to the whims of a drunk?

I've always had a soft spot for comics that focus more on relationships than just having a couple heroes beat the shit out of a monster. Avengers vs. X-men #11 took care of that shit and did a really lousy job of it. But that didn't stop Kieron Gillen from adding a personal touch with this comic. If anything, I wish that the events in this comic actually played out in Avengers vs. X-men #11. It would have made that issue a billion times more awesome. But I'm content with Gillen to sprinkle a little cold on the shit pile that is Avengers vs. X-men. He ensures that while the rest of Marvel may be fumbling around like a bunch of drunk monkeys with their nuts stapled to the side of their legs, he still has a talent for digging deep with the characters.

Gillen did something here that was only hinted at in Avengers vs. X-men #11. He had Cyclops and Emma clash over how to use the Phoenix Force to save the world. Emma wanted to destroy it and start from scratch. Cyclops wanted a less destructive route. Emma clearly showed signs that the Phoenix Force was fucking with her mind in the same way a bad strain of weed fucks with your ability to keep your balance. Cyclops showed signs that he was still focused on keeping control of the Phoenix. It wasn't until the Avengers and Xavier pushed him over the edge that he lost it. And for once, Cyclops actually responds to Emma's bullshit in a way that may be harder to work around than a quick bed scene. Now I fully expect Marvel to do something ridiculously contrived to keep these two together because I'm sure every writer at Marvel jerks off to the bed scenes with these two. But at least Gillen made it seem like the power of love won't be enough for these two.

Avengers vs. X-men may be neck deep in bullshit right now, but that doesn't mean the tie-in issues can't be entertaining. Kieron Gillen has maintained a consistent level of awesome since the beginning of Uncanny X-men. And even though this series is ending to make way for All New X-men, Gillen is certainly making the most of what's left in his run. This issue wasn't quite as good as the Sinister arc and the stench from Avengers vs. X-men #11 is hard to escape when the events happen right in the middle of that story. It's also hard to be viable when the sibling battle between Colossus and Magik is ended without much resolution. Even so, this was still an enjoyable issue to read. I give it a 3.5 out of 5.

At the beginning of the issue, it encourages readers to check out Avengers vs. X-men #11 before reading this issue. Seeing as how that issue sucked the balls of several diseased rhinos, it's probably best you ignore that warning. If possible, just throw some white out over that warning and enjoy this issue for what it's worth. Or do what I do and take a few shrooms to destroy any brain cells you may have left of Avengers vs. X-men #11. Either way works, but the shoorms are more fun. Nuff said!