A Beautiful Institutional Breakdown: Uncanny X-men #22

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #22, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

We’ve come to expect a certain level of ineptitude from government. It has nothing to do with liberal or conservative ideology, no matter what Ron Paul or Fidel Castro might say. Human beings are just inherently flawed. In the same way a fully rational adult sometimes accidentally puts a spoon in the microwave, fully rational adults will sometimes be subject to spectacular failures. They might make taxpayers feel a debilitating pain in their wallets, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining.

The conflict between SHIELD and Cyclops in the pages of Uncanny X-men demonstrate perfectly how human flaws can often interfere with legitimate government functions. Since the re-launch of this series, most of the conflict has stemmed from SHIELD treating Cyclops as a terrorist on the same level as Dr. Doom. Maria Hill has decided to dedicate the vast resources of SHIELD towards capturing this man and putting him back behind bars. Along the way, plenty of complications have emerged that would probably warrant more concern. Somebody has been launching Sentinel attacks on innocent mutants and in X-men: Battle of the Atom, it was revealed that SHIELD has dabbled in the Sentinel business. People may have misguided priorities, but focusing on one fugitive instead of a bunch of killer robots that attack innocent civilians is several steps beyond misguided. And in Uncanny X-men #22, this ineptitude finally catches up with Maria Hill and the X-men.

To say that Maria Hill or SHIELD was the villain in this affair would be a mistake, but say they were the victims would be an even bigger mistake. SHIELD happens to be the government agency where the margin for error is the smallest and the consequences of failure are incredibly dire. As Captain America: The Winter Soldier has shown, the extent of that failure can be pretty destructive. If Hydra had infiltrated the Department of Education, the worst they could have done was make standardized testing more tedious. But this time, they’re infiltrated by someone with far more petty ambitious aside from discrediting an entire government organization. There are lobbyists for that sort of thing anyways. This infiltration didn’t just compromise SHIELD. It compromised the X-men’s entire mission in a way that can only be accomplished by a massive government failure.

The way it unfolds is powerful in that it takes various plotlines, some of which have been negated and side-tracked to the point of obscurity, and brings them together into a strong, concise narrative. The origin of the Sentinel attacks, the broken powers that have plagued the former Phoenix Five, the infiltration of SHIELD by Mystique, and even the abduction of Dazzler are all addressed. Every plotline contributed something. All the loose ends and confusing sub-plots that have made this series more disorganized than the last three seasons of Lost finally converged in a meaningful way. Some of it felt forced, but it was still very satisfying.

The conflict it created was not on the same scale as X-men: Battle of the Atom, nor was it intended to be. The main theme of the story didn’t involve the X-men battling yet another army of killer robots. It was exposing the ineptitude of both themselves and SHIELD in handling this conflict. They didn’t know the extent to which they were being used and they focused too much on fighting the wrong battles. And it wasn’t just because the mastermind behind it all was that cunning. Both SHIELD and the X-men deserve some share of the blame.

The biggest failure on their part was making the conflict personal. Maria Hill focused so hard on arresting Cyclops that she didn’t dedicate much energy into uncovering the source of the Sentinel attacks. These were the attacks that Cyclops was responding to. Attacking him would be like a cop attacking the person who lent a killer the knife and not the killer. The whole Sentinel conspiracy was launched from within SHIELD, using SHIELD resources and SHIELD firepower. Maria Hill was in the best possible position to address this issue and she didn’t. She just filed it away in a memo and went back to pursuing Cyclops.

As for Cyclops himself, he made it personal too. He decided to declare war on SHIELD. To be fair, some of his reasons were warranted. He already knew that they were involved in Sentinel technology. Even if Maria Hill wasn’t directly involved, she was responsible. He even points this out to her at some point. But by focusing on SHIELD, he missed any chances he might have had to uncover who was behind it. So in a sense, nobody won this battle because both sides had their ineptitude revealed. But it could be argued that SHIELD’s ineptitude was far more egregious. Unlike Cyclops, they get to use taxpayer money to build all their fancy flying bases and are trusted with protecting innocent civilians with all that hardware. They have far fewer excuses and far greater reasons to be careful.

It’s because of this failing that Dazzler, who agreed to become an agent of SHIELD, rebukes their attempt to bring her back aboard. While anyone could be forgiven for not being able to uncover Mystique’s deception, Dazzler rightly notes that it wasn’t SHIELD who saved her. It was the X-men. Between personal vendettas and the bureaucracy that goes along with maintaining those fleets of helicarriers, they just made it way too easy for Mystique. They apparently didn’t learn anything from the last Skrull invasion.

There are so many satisfying components to Uncanny X-men #22. From its theme to its concise narrative, it realizes so much of the potential that seemed lost for a time. The overall disorganization of the series still shows. There are a number of instances where it feels like certain elements felt cut and pasted, disrupting the rhythm of the story. But the end result was nothing short of uncanny, if that’s not too fitting a word. It exposed a level of organizational ineptitude without getting overly political and in this day and age, that’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

Final Score: 9 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #22

I like to think of myself as a pretty patient guy in most circumstances. Sure, when it takes 10 minutes for the dipshit at Starbucks to get me my espresso, I’m going to get pissed. But one of the benefits of being a stoner is that it’s easy to get distracted and think about other crazy shit. This has come in real handy with Uncanny X-men for the past few months. Going all the way back to the first issue, there has been this ongoing plot about Sentinels attacking mutants. On more than one occasion, this plot has been abandoned and derailed for less interesting shit like Dormammu. Other more pressing plots also got in the way, namely X-men: Battle of the Atom. Now the story that began before anyone knew who the name Cliven Bundy promises to finally give us some answers. The Mysterio-wannabe finally spoke in the previous issue and Beast, taking a break from his role as big fuzzy douche-bag, claims to have figured out who he is. Uncanny X-men #22 promises to finally reward our patience. But if it behaves anything like that dipshit at Starbucks, I’m still going to be pissed.

Seeing as how this whole plot with Sentinels and SHIELD has gone off-track more than the last Tim Burton movie, it’s only fitting that we get another random side-plot. But I think this would only qualify as a partially random because it’s following a story that has been unfolding alongside this Sentinel plot, namely Magneto’s rescue of Dazzler from Madripoor. He succeeded in the previous issue, taking Blob down a few sizes in the process and not in the Jenny Craig way either. Now he has brought her back to the New Xavier School where Triage is there to heal her. She quickly returns to her beautiful pop star diva self, but she’s fucking pissed off and ready to take it out on someone. Whereas most pretty girls would cope by banging their ex-boyfriend’s brother, she plans on doing something almost as destructive. Pissed off beautiful women tend to both terrify and arouse me so I’m fully in favor of Dazzler getting in on the action.

She’ll have plenty to work with because the action in this case is pretty one-sided. The whole SHIELD helicarrier has turned against them. Now it’s attacking the Jean Grey Institute instead of just providing a badass way of getting around and wasting taxpayer money. Maria Hill and the rest of the Jean Grey Institute is naturally losing their shit. Beast urges everyone to evacuate the Jean Grey Institute and Maria Hill keeps trying to solve the problem by yelling at it, not unlike the way my old driving instructor tried to make teenagers better drivers. It works just as well because the Mysterio-wannabe makes it very clear that he’s the one in control. Hell, for all we know, he’s been jerking off since the first shot was fired.

Then it actually gets even worse. Maria Hill keeps trying to regain control of the situation, trying a different tactic besides yelling. She notices Agent Dazzler, who is actually Mystique, casually slip away. Really, the head of the most powerful security agency on the fucking planet just let one of her top agents slip away when she was standing right next to her moments ago. If I were a tax payer in the Marvel universe, I would be so pissed that I might actually consider voting for Ted Cruz. It’s a weak way to get her out of the picture, but that’s not what makes things even worse.

Apparently, SHIELD took a page from the Pentagon and found even more ways to waste taxpayer money because somehow the helicarrier summons an army of Sentinels to attack. It just wouldn’t be an all-out attack on the X-men if killer robots weren’t involved. That’s like a basic law of physics in the Marvel universe. I want to say that the Mysterio-wannabe is really going for overkill here, but I don’t think that’s possible when a government agency is involved. If the military can spend 20 billion dollars on a jet fighter nobody wants, then surely it can afford an attack of killer robots on this scale. Besides, it has only been about six months since the last Sentinel attack on the X-men. I don’t know if Sentinels can get blue blues, but why risk it?

At first, it looks like we’re going to get an exact repeat of the battle from X-men: Battle of the Atom. The X-men come together, rip the Sentinels to shreds, and Wolverine finds a way to blame it all on Cyclops. I admit I was honestly expecting this. But then, it takes a very different turn and not in the way that involves time travel or psychic mind tricks for once. The Sentinels and the Helicarrier stop attacking. I probably need to say that again. The killer robots stop trying to kill the X-men. Just saying that feels weirder than explaining to my grandmother how I got a tattoo of a nipple on my left butt cheek. But that’s exactly what happens. Not only that, the helicarrier stops attacking the X-men and starts shooting at the Sentinels. The X-men and Maria Hall are as confused as I am, although probably not quite as stoned. Even the Mysterio-wannabe is confused and plenty pissed. It’s probably because he’s not sufficiently stoned.

The reason for this has to do with another forgotten side-plot that helped kick-start this arc to begin with. Remember our old friend Hijack? The guy who the cops once shot because he had the audacity to make a bunch of cars honk their horn in an uncrowded parking lot? He got kicked off the team for being stupid enough to use a cell phone that SHIELD could track. I guess he never heard the name Edward Snowden. Well he was more forgotten than the last coach of the Cleveland Browns, but he wasn’t content just jacking cars and turning women’s vibrators against them. He decided to make himself useful again and paid a visit to the Jean Grey Institute just in time to turn the tide of the battle. Now he claims he just came hoping to enroll. I’m pretty sure his real agenda involved finding an opportunity that would allow him to say, “Kiss my ass, Cyclops!”

This is a good example of a story making the right connections. Granted, Hijack got himself kicked off the team in one of the many side-plots that unfolded in this series. It would have been easy to give him the same treatment the New York Yankees gave Alex Rodriguez, but instead he ends playing a critical role. While it’s a fitting connection, it’s also pretty weak. We’re left to assume he just randomly decided somewhere between getting kicked off the team and getting bored with making fat guys chase after their cars that he wanted to be an X-man again. Not saying what he did isn’t badass. It just would have been nice to see more reasons behind it.

With the tide of the battle now firmly on the side of the X-men, Beast finally gets around to helping Cyclops confront the shitty Mysterio cos-player that has been behind this shit. In addition, Emma Frost shows up with Magneto, Magik, and Dazzler. That’s a lot of pissed off blondes to further tip the balance. It ensures the asshole behind this bullshit that has plagued the New Xavier School since the first issue of this series has nowhere to hide and might as well start kicking his own balls. For once, Beast actually makes himself useful and leads Cyclops right to the asshole’s mysterious hidden lair, where Cyclops promptly blasts his ass. I don’t think there’s a more satisfying blast that doesn’t involve a money shot in a porno with Jessica Alba.

But it gets even more satisfying than that, as if my penis wasn’t overworked enough. In addition to revealing the badly dressed mastermind, Beast also reveals that he discovered what had been fucking with his powers. Apparently, someone fed him some nano-Sentinels and they have been fucking with his powers, meaning he’ll have a hell of a time shitting those out later on along with Emma and Magik. It’s actually a much more satisfying explanation than blaming that shit on the Phoenix, which gets more blame than the President these days. It’s also really fucking overdue. But again, I’m a patient guy. I willing to save that special bag of blow for just the right moment.

That moment only becomes even more satisfying, warranting even more blow, when the identity of the asshole behind all these bullshit Sentinel attacks is revealed. And low and behold, Beast is involved. Specifically, it’s Dark Beast, the Age of Apocalypse version of Beast who has been MIA since the Dark Angel Saga. I couldn’t have picked a more appropriate asshole to carry out this kind of douche-baggery without hiring Bryan Cranston to play Lex Luthor. He has the means, the balls, and the assholery to do something like this.

Granted, his reasons for doing it are somewhat bland. He just claims he hates the X-men. Seriously, why can’t this guy just do what Kardashian haters do and bitch about them on a message board with normal people? But I digress. It’s still very fitting and it gives Cyclops a chance to maim Beast like I’m sure he’s wanted to do. He even made it easy for him because apparently he needed that goofy suit to keep himself alive. He had been experimenting on his own body. I won’t say it’s tragic because the asshole deserved it. I’ll just say he should have just stuck to bulimia and botox.

Dark Beast is now dead and/or comatose. Whichever it is, it’s way less than he deserves. There’s still the matter of a pissed off Maria Hill, who hasn’t forgotten her pussy boner for arresting Cyclops. This is where it gets a little awkward because Cyclops rightly points out that this shit happened under her watch. All these attacks on innocent mutants were carried out using SHIELD resources and she didn’t do a damn thing about it.

Now in her defense, she didn’t know how resourceful Dark Beast was. But she was also the one that decided she would focus all her energy on arresting Cyclops and possibly boning him if the situation permitted. By doing that instead of focusing on the actual killer robots that were hurting people, she basically let this shit happen. So in that sense, her demanding Cyclops to turn herself in would be OJ Simpson demanding that the cops who arrested him clean out the blood stains from his white Ford Bronco. It makes for a difficult and somewhat unrefined conversation. But this is one instance where I don’t think much needs to be said. They all fucked themselves over in some way and it’s probably best give their assholes a rest.

While in the spirit of tying up so many loose ends, it’s only fitting that we add one more to the heap. This one feels like a bonus because it involves Dazzler. She’s understandably pissed about what happened to her. For once, Maria Hill is pretty forgiving. She doesn’t blame Dazzler for all the shit Mystique did while disguised as her. That’s probably the most reasonable thing she has done since she stopped banging Tony Stark. But Dazzler isn’t having it. SHIELD was inept enough to let Mystique abduct her and they didn’t do shit to save her. The X-men were the ones who saved her. That’s all the proof she needs that she’s not cut out for government work. She’s an X-man. It’s a beautiful moment. It’s not clear what her plans are, but I think she’s already made herself comfortable with the other blondes in Cyclops’s New Xavier School. Like Hugh Hefner has shown time and again, there’s no such thing as having too many pretty blondes.

It’s a beautiful thing when gaping holes are finally filled. Whether it’s a pothole in the middle of a highway or a gangbang with Jenna Jameson, there’s something about it that’s worth celebrating. Sure, it got sidetracked. Sure, it knocked over a few signs and maybe ran over a few pedestrians, but it got to the final destination. Everything from the identity of the Mysterio-wannabe to the reason for these broken powers got explained in one issue. My patience was rewarded and Cyclops’s team has been rewarded with another hot blonde on their team. That’s like a win and a free blowjob from the cheerleading squad. That’s not to say the impact still wasn’t somewhat weak after all the delays and side-plots. But like driving from Boston to Tijuana armed with Donald Trump’s credit card, it was still satisfying. Uncanny X-men #22 gets a 9 out of 10. So now SHIELD’s credibility is fucked once again, the Jean Grey Institute has been nearly blown up, and Cyclops has another pretty girl on his team. I won’t say it’s a typical Tuesday in the Marvel universe. I’ll just say it’s more productive than usual. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #22 Preview - Enter A Pissed Off Blonde

As Hugh Hefner can attest, pretty blondes help make life worth living. They are one of God’s way of making all the annoying drive for heterosexual men to spread our seed worth it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that hot blondes get away with some pretty fucked up shit. Just look at Anna Nichole Smith. Hell, my penis still misses her. But in addition to having undeniable sex appeal, they can be pretty badass. I would rather run from a T-rex than run from a pissed off hot blonde. They might not be able to maim me to the same extent as others, but they’re way more likely to get away with it. I’ve yet to meet a pretty blonde that hasn’t been able to charm her way out of a speeding ticket.

In the context of X-men, most of my remarks regarding hot blondes involve Emma Frost. And while she is a major player in Uncanny X-men and the X-men comics as a whole, she’s not the only pretty blonde with a high profile (who aren’t also clones). Dazzler, a character once associated with disco and roller skates, managed to claw her way back to relevance thanks in large part to her development in Greg Pak’s Xtreme X-men. She seemed poised to cash in when Maria Hill enlisted her to join SHIELD as their mutant liaison. She would get to fight the good fight and run around in a sexy skin-tight white uniform. That’s as close to win-win as can be without involving bacon and Jack Daniels.

Then she got cast aside again, but this time not because of negligence. After her first mission ended up a bust, Mystique drugged her and took her place. Since then, she has been playing with SHIELD’s vast resources the same way monkey plays with a machine gun. And when she’s not squandering taxpayer money, she’s creating a new mutant community in Madripoor and using MGH created from Dazzler’s blood to fuel it. This kept Dazzler out of the picture until Uncanny X-men #21 when she was finally rescued by Magneto. Now she’s finally back and able to contribute and a preview from Comic Book Resources shows that she’s more than pissed off enough to make a difference.

CBR: Uncanny X-men #22 PREVIEW

• The war between the Uncanny X-Men and S.H.I.E.L.D. heats up!
• Can Cyclops and his team track down the source of this new brand of sentinels? And is S.H.I.E.L.D. really behind these attacks?

It’s a beautiful and horrifying thing when a beautiful blonde gets pissed off at the right people. Even if those on the other end of her wrath have killer robots at their disposal, they’re still at a disadvantage. While the Mysterio knock-off behind the Sentinels might or might not be responsible for what Mystique did to Dazzler. She needs to take it out on someone and it might as well be the asshole who has been attacking mutants with Sentinels since this series was relaunched.

 

It’s also a beautiful sight to see Magneto’s little side-plot converge with the Sentinel plot. At one point, Magneto’s story took a completely different direction. He left Uncanny X-men and did his own thing in his solo series. Those things usually involve more gruesome murder, but he’s found a way to make it work for him. Along the way, he saw what Mystique was building on Madripoor and was more sickened than a vegan in Ted Nugant’s trophy room. That gave him more than enough incentive to free Dazzler and fuck up Mystique’s operation. Maybe now he can do the same to the Sentinels.

 

While the outcome of that battle promises to be pretty damn lopsided, I’m more interested in the aftermath. Dazzler tried employing her new skills at SHIELD and the only thing she accomplished was being added to the long list of women Mystique has turned into her bitch. Would she really be willing to give it another try? And would SHIELD even be willing to trust someone who let themselves get replaced by a shape-shifter? I’m pretty sure Secret Invasion made that a job requirement at SHIELD. If not SHIELD, then why not Cyclops’s team? Or why not head back to the Jean Grey Institute? Wolverine is going to be dead soon. They’ll need someone else in a leadership role besides Storm and a pretty blonde makes a great leader to a bunch of teenage mutants. My old history teacher, whose bra size still enchants my dreams from time to time, can attest to that. Where will Dazzler go? What will she do? I don’t know, but she’s a hot pissed off blonde and that alone should generate plenty of possibilities. Nuff said!