Mutants, Demons, and Heart: Inferno #5

The following is my review of Inferno #5, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are certain combinations that don’t sound like they go together at first. I’m sure the first person who proposed putting peanut butter and jelly between two pieces of bread was laughed out of the room. Several generations of school kids can attest that this combination worked out pretty well for the most part. So who’s to say that the combination of mutants and demons can’t work? Sure, it has the absurd undertones of Monsters vs. Aliens, but then again DreamWorks managed to turn that into a blockbuster movie. So why can’t Dennis Hopeless do the same for comics?

Hopeless has dared to turn an absurd concept like X-men vs. Demons into a compelling story and remarkably, he’s succeeded. Inferno has proven itself to be one of the most entertaining and engaging stories to spin out of Secret Wars. It’s not just some flashy spectacle ripped out of a Sharknado movie. It’s a story that has many personal elements, revolving primarily around Colossus and his desire to save his sister’s soul from Limbo.

It’s a simple setup, but one not so simple that it could be mistaken for a Kirk Cameron movie. And it takes place within the context of a massive war between mutants and the demon armies of Limbo. It has elements that are both epic and personal, which are every bit as potent as peanut butter and jelly.

Colossus’ struggle in this story has been the catalyst. His efforts to save his sister have led to entanglements with the Goblin Queen, who is the only one in a position to benefit with either outcome. Now, the rest of the X-men are involved. Even Sinister has gotten in on the action. It effectively sets up Inferno #5 with all the potent ingredients it needs to be awesome. While some of those ingredients prove bland, the most important details deliver the satisfaction of a dozen peanut butter sandwiches.

The greatest strength of this series as a whole has been Colossus’ journey. He began wanting to save his sister. However, after some painful struggles, one of which resulted in him losing an arm briefly, he comes to the harsh realization that his sister can’t be saved. And he has to be the one to put her down. It’s not quite like Old Yeller. Old Yeller was never as lovable as crazy demonic teenage girl with an army of blood-thirsty demons at her disposal. Few people outside the Marilyn Manson crowd will shed a tear for Illyana at this point.

That doesn’t make it any easier for Colossus. That doesn’t make it less heart-wrenching either. The real meat of this story is him confronting his demon-possessed sister in one final clash. He’s got muscles and a big sword. She’s got an army of demons at her back. All Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader had were lightsabres. It makes for a powerful spectacle, but one that doesn’t gloss over the emotional undertones.

It’s because these emotions are so well-developed that the end result is so satisfying. Colossus was in a difficult position where he had to swallow all these emotions and do what had to be done. These emotions clearly impacted him and Illyana did not hesitate to exploit them. This impact, along with the connection he developed with Domino, gave the story an impact that felt more meaningful than a PG-13 version of Monsters vs. Aliens.

While the emotional undertones were well-developed, the other secondary details were essentially glossed over. The role of characters like Sinister, Cyclops, Jean Grey, and the rest of the X-men were entirely forgettable. They might as well have been generic henchmen in a Power Rangers rerun. They really didn’t do much other than to act as demon bait. While some helped supplement Colossus’ struggle, they were too easily cast aside in the final confrontation.

This is somewhat of a letdown in terms of plot because previous issues had done a nice job of setting up these other characters to contribute in the final showdown. They could’ve contributed a lot more, especially after the arrival of Sinister. But in the end, the story takes on the mold of a movie that did one too many reshoots. The sub-plot with Sinister was abandoned, any potential sub-plots with other X-men were abandoned, and any emotional impact they could’ve had was snuffed out off-panel. That might work for a Josh Trank movie, but not for a series like this.

That’s not to say that this oversight derailed the story as a whole. It didn’t. Colossus’ battle with Illyana still had the right impact. There’s a distinct sense that if the book had been several pages longer, the details surrounding the rest of the X-men wouldn’t have been glossed over. If the story itself had been an issue longer, then there would’ve been time to add even more depth to Colossus’ struggle. So while the final battle still succeeded, it still felt rushed.

Now the reason for this isn’t entirely a result of insufficient ink or page restrictions. In many respects, Colossus’ inability to protect his fellow X-men comes from his reluctance to accept that she can’t be saved. Everyone around him accepted that Illyana was a lost cause. Even Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor agreed and anytime two ex-spouses agree on something, it’s pretty telling. So while the end result is rushed, it’s not completely without merit.

Rushed or not, Inferno #5 still succeeds in finishing the primary plot of the story. That alone makes it more complete than a typical Christopher Nolan movie. Colossus set out to save his sister. In the end, he had to be the one who stopped her. It made for a difficult, emotional struggle. But he still succeeded and managed to keep his girlfriend from dying. That’s more than Cyclops and Wolverine can say.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #5

There are certain kinds of stories that are just impossible to fuck up because the premise alone is inherently awesome. That's not to say they can't be fucked up. If the Wachowskis have taught me anything since 1999, it's that there are far more ways to fuck something up than there are to make something awesome. And I'm certain if they were given control over a story that involved the X-men teaming up with the Goblin Queen to fight a demon army led by Illyana Rasputin, they'd find ways to fuck it up. But I feel comfortable in trusting Dennis Hopeless to make that story awesome.

There's a lot to love about Inferno and I'm not just talking about the Goblin Queen's obscenely revealing choice of attire. It's a story built around Colossus' struggle to save his sister from becoming the alpha and omega of demonic bitches while finding time to bang Domino on the side. It's the kind of story that I don't think Colossus fans ever thought they would get. But like getting a free blowjob from a Megan Fox on Christmas morning, it's a story that has been full of epic mutant/demon conflicts. And now, with Colossus ready to accept that there's no way to save his sister's soul from an eternity of demonic gangbanging, he's ready to finish this fight once and for all. However bad it turns out in Inferno #5, I think it's pretty safe to say that it's going to make the Goblin Queen horny at some point.

At the moment, however, I don't think any psycho bitch in Battleworld is hornier than Magik. Her demon armies have successfully invaded this realm, beat back the X-men, and forced them into the sewer. Her attack was so successful that she even managed to find the time to grab a couple of hot dogs. She couldn't have more swag at this point if she was starring in a Nike commercial with LeBron James.

Swag aside, she still can't just put her feet up and start masturbating on top of a pile of corpses just yet. One of her demon minion, minus his head, informs her that her pissed off older brother is still kicking and still has a burning desire to make her less horny and not by posting embarrassing baby pictures on Facebook either. But being so powerful and fueled by hot dogs, she's not worried. Hell, she still looks pretty damn horny.

What she doesn't know, however, is that the X-men have a new ally with which to combat her demons and her horniness. And while it's hard to think of Sinister as anyone who shouldn't show his face outside of a bad Halloween party, he does seem to be concerned about the possibility of a psychotic teenage demonic bitch destroying his world. So he meets up with the surviving X-men and offers them a chance to team up. And since their base is currently a fucking sewer, it's a chance they have to take.

The problem is that Sinister is good at being a diabolical douche-bag. He's not good at being an ally to the X-men. His contribution to this battle isn't a giant demon-killing gun or a demon plague. It's an army of Boom Boom clones. Yes, that's all he has at this point. More clones. I'm pretty sure if Spider-Man were there, he would say, "This won't end well."

It's one of those plans that sounds like it came from burned out college student who ran out of Adderall. He can't think of anything more creative so he resorts to clones. He thinks clones, combined with Colossus' soul sword, gives them a chance. I want to say it sounds reasonable, but I can still hear Spider-Man yelling in the distance, "Don't do it! It'll fuck everything up!"

And wouldn't you know it? He's right. Sinister learns once again that relying on clones is a quick and easy way to fuck everything up and I'm not just talking about bullshit retcons. He seems to forget that he's standing in the same room as Madelyne Pryor, another clone he screwed over and not in a fun way either. While not the same omega level psycho bitch that Magik has become, she's still a psycho bitch and she's not exactly fond of Sinister. So it surprised pretty much nobody when she up and attacks Sinister before he could even begin his allegiance with the X-men. And fittingly enough, she manages to end his pasty ass by turning one of his own clones against him.

This sudden turn surprises absolutely no one. Cyclops, Jean, and the rest of the X-men couldn't have been less surprised without someone telling them that Snoop Dogg got busted for weed. While it's not at all surprising that Maddie turned on Sinister, it effectively derailed the whole concept of Sinister helping the X-men fight Illyana. So anyone hoping for a final climactic battle between Magik's forces and the combined might of the X-men and Sinister should put their dicks back in their pants.

Not only does it derail their allegiance, it creates yet another problem that quickly becomes chaotic and disorganized. Like wearing a Han Solo costume to a Star Trek convention, it completely fucks up the situation. With Sinister dead, the clone army of Boom Boom attacks the X-men because that's what clone armies do. They turn on everyone and go fucking crazy. Seriously, when was the last time a clone army actually did something awesome?

This battle is nowhere near the epic struggle that unfolded in previous issues. It's not even on the same level as the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones. It has some nice visuals, but all it really does is show that the X-men are screwed. Not only do they have to battle Magik's armies. They have to battle another one of Sinister's fucked up cloning experiments. The X-men are good, but they're not that good.

And because this situation isn't fucked up enough, Magik decides to show up at the worst possible moment to screw the X-men over even more. Because why not? If you're going to be a psychotic demon bitch, why wouldn't you fuck over your enemies when they're in the process of fucking themselves? That's just common sense.

She unleashes her demon minions into this unfolding clusterfuck, making everything even more disorganized. The X-men fight, but they basically get lost in the clusterfuck, as often happens in the case of clusterfucks. There's no epic struggle with them. We don't see who lives, who dies, and who escapes. We're kind of just left to assume that they've all been horribly maimed by demons. It's a shitty assumption to make, especially when it's effectively glossed over because of the extent of said clusterfuck. But that's pretty much all we're left with and that's pretty damn disappointing.

One detail that doesn't get glossed over, thankfully, is Colossus' dedication to ending his sister's demonic ass. It took him way too fucking long to realize over the course of this series that his sweet little sister is beyond saving. She let a demon gangbang her soul and there's no coming back from that. Now, he has to be the one to stop her and he's got a big fucking sword with which to do it. So he has the tools, the incentive, and the hot girlfriend on the side in Domino. He should be able to end this. Right?

Well, it would've been an even bigger clusterfuck if it had been that simple. The battle that unfolds is not nearly as chaotic. It's very visceral and personal, one that has all the details of a climactic final clash. It's like Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker if Darth Vader was a demon bitch with nice tits and Luke Skywalker wasn't some puny lightweight with an oversized glow stick for a weapon. Colossus has a big fucking sword and big fucking muscles. That makes for a pretty awesome battle.

And despite his muscles and having a big fucking sword, he still can't finish off his sister at first. She still fucks with his mind and his heart in a way that only a psycho demon bitch could. It's a harsh moment, but one that maintains the strong emotional undertones that have fueled Colossus' story since this series began. He still loves his sister, even though she's become a demon-loving psycho bitch. Ending her psychotic ass isn't like turning the garden hose on a couple of Mormons.

Colossus eventually manages to see through Magik's ruse and her fucking with his heart. He starts going in for the kill, but even that isn't enough. Magik isn't just good at taking a big steaming piss on the emotions of her enemies. She's also fast, powerful, and enjoys tormenting her enemies way too fucking much. Colossus tries to get in a few kill shots. He even stops hesitating. But Magik manages to brush it off and put him in a position to end his metal ass once and for all. Chances are, she'll pleasure herself with pieces of his corpse just as an added fuck you. It's a tough moment for Colossus, but he's dealing with a crazy psycho demon bitch. There's no shame in getting overwhelmed at times.

It only finally turns against Magik when she gets too horny for her own good and decides to go after Domino, who enters the battle in an effort to help her man. That makes her both an awesome girlfriend and an easy target. Magik, deciding that jerking off on one corpse just isn't enough, tries to end Domino first. Colossus doesn't appreciate this. It's one thing for his sister to be a powerful demon-loving psycho bitch. It's quite another for her to fuck with the woman he's currently banging.

This leads to the final moment where Magik's panties are dried forever. Before she can end Domino and lick up Colossus' tears, he uses the soul sword to fucking cut her in half. And no, that's not me making another porno joke. That's actually what happens. He uses that big fucking sword to cut Magik in fucking half. Darth Vader only lost an arm. Magik got cut in fucking half. There's just no contest is what I'm saying.

And considering the unapologetic demonic rampaging that she's done, Magik's defeat is extra satisfying. It's probably one of the most satisfying moments involving demons that don't one clawing out of Donald Trump's chest. It's the end of an emotional struggle for Colossus. He wanted to save his sister. He accepted she couldn't be saved and had to be the one that killed her. I think the big guy has earned both respect and a hot girlfriend.

That's exactly what he gets in the end. He and Domino share a nice moment. I'm sure if the original Boom Boom wasn't present, they would've boned right then and there. They end up just getting the fuck out of there, hopefully finding a better place to fuck overall. Boom Boom says that all the demons and the X-men are dead. We don't get any further details about that, nor do we know the extent of the battle that took place. While that oversight is disappointing, it's none-the-less fitting that Colossus finishes his mission and is able to escape with a friend and sexy girlfriend by his side. It's not the happiest of endings, but who can expect such an ending in a story that involves crazy demon psycho bitches?

Speaking of psycho bitches, one of them does end up getting a happy ending. It's not the same happy ending most get in a Thai massage parlor, but it's close. Madelyne Pryor and toddler Cable somehow managed to survive the clusterfuck earlier because of course they did. Psycho bitches, especially those that look good in thongs, tend to survive. And with Magik dead and Colossus ditching this wasteland of a world, she figures the power of the Darkchilde is up for grabs. Since a psycho bitch rarely lets that kind of tormenting power go to waste, she takes it for herself. And Cable, being the wide-eyed toddler, just thinks it's cool. I usually don't agree with toddlers on issues that don't involve ice cream, but I agree with him here. Madelyne does look pretty damn cool as the new demon queen. So in the end, she got what she wanted and probably got pretty damn horny as a result.

Anyone who has seen or read the spoilers of Old Yeller had a pretty good idea of how this was going to end. But unlike Old Yeller, nobody is going to get choked up over seeing Colossus disembowel his demon-loving bitch sister, especially after she laid waste to an entire realm and slaughtered the X-men. If anything, seeing Colossus end her demonic ass was the most satisfying part of the story. It was still an emotional clusterfuck for Colossus, having to kill his sister. But in the end, it had to be done and he got to do it while banging Domino on the side. That's a win if ever there was one.

While Colossus got the win and the hot girl, the rest of the details were a more classic clusterfuck. Sinister's contributions to the story after his unexpected arrival at the end of the previous issue ended up contributing jack shit. And the contributions of the rest of the X-men ended up being jack shit as well as they got wiped out off-panel. There was no last stand or chaotic battle. It's not like Brett Ratner was directing it either. It just got glossed over and like depictions of Jennifer Lawrence's ass, that's just not something you can gloss over.

The emotional component of the story succeeded and that was the most important part. But every other part was disorganized to the point of being fucked up and not in the classic Deadpool way either. At the very least, the story did not lose sight of its main priorities. That's something the Brett Ratners of the world can rarely claim. It's just the little things that it missed and like watching pixilated porn, it's not nearly as satisfying. I still give Inferno #5 a 7 out of 10. Colossus got to slay a demon queen and make out with a hot woman. I'm pretty sure that makes him the most badass Russian who never starred in a Rocky movie. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #4

There was once a time when demons and the women who fucked them were an actual, legitimate concern. These were not fun times to say the least. Without internet porn or TV, people would deal with these concerns by burning people at the stake and conducting exorcisms that would make any reasonable person prefer the company of demons. Since then, demons have become cartoon characters, except for the Duck Dynasty crowd. And stories like Inferno have shown that, despite all the horror and carnage they bring, they can still be pretty damn awesome.

Inferno has nicely established itself as one of the better tie-ins for Secret Wars. How can it not when it involves a kid version of Cable, a crazy demon psycho bitch in Magik, and Madelyne Pryor in a thong? It adds to that awesome by crafting a genuinely compelling story about Colossus trying to save his sister from Limbo. There's been plenty of drama to go along with epic demon battles. He's even found time to hook up with Domino on the side. Swap the vodka out for whiskey and he'd be on Wolverine's level. But in Inferno #4, he's gotten to a point where all the vodka and whiskey in the world won't convince him that he can save Magik. She's dry-humped one too many demons. It's time he get medieval on this demon shit.

That's exactly what Colossus reflects on, albeit in a more brotherly sort of way. He and Domino are still working with Madelyne fucking Pryor of all people in their effort to find her. It's not as unreasonable as it sounds because by the time they reach Limbo, Magik has effectively unleashed a demonic version of PMS on everyone and everything. With a new demon Nightcrawler pet by her side, she's casually strolling the streets while her demon hordes torment and horrify everyone in their sight. There's being a sadistic brat and then there's being a crazy demon psycho bitch. And at this point, I think it's safe to say that Magik has embraced and gangbanged both. Evil demons are bad enough. Evil demons who are also sadistic teenage girls? Even my penis shudders at that thought.

As she rampages with a smile like a kid on their first trip to Disney World, she still encounters some resistance. Although at this point, calling Longshot resistance is like calling Bobby Jindal a legitimate contender for President. It's not going to do anything but annoy Magik, albeit less than a speech by Bobby Jindal. And annoying crazy demon psychic bitches is a bad idea, no matter how much luck you have on your side. He should stick to playing Powerball.

But Longshot doesn't end up getting to do jack shit. Before he can do anything more than mildly amuse Magik, Dr. Strange and Doom's Thor Corp show up. This is somewhat jarring, but it's also a nice reminder that this story is taking place within Battleworld. That means when a big fucking demon army invades a part of it, a god-powered Dr. Doom is going to take notice. It may mildly annoy him just as much, but it's still the first instance where this story is injected into the larger context of Secret Wars.

While this is an intriguing twist, it still feels somewhat forced. I have to wonder how a god-powered Doom reasons that, "I'll give only half a shit about any particular realm in Battleworld. But when demon armies start invading, I'll take an interest." But whatever his reasons, it's still one of those moments that offer tantalizing possibilities. Like a stripper in the process of taking off her bra, there's a distinct promise that something awesome is about to be revealed.

For the rest of the X-men who spent years protecting this realm from demon attacks, it's not quite as awesome. The epic battle in the previous issue ended up being pretty lopsided. The X-men and all the mutant forces that Cyclops led, despite being confined to a wheelchair, got their asses kicked by a demon-loving teenager. That has to be right up there with getting farted on by Blob as a low point. Their pride, their spirit, and their collective balls are pretty damn wounded.

It leads to a vulnerable moment with Cyclops. Everyone around him, including Jean, keep telling him just how fucked they are. At this point, they would have better luck in the Zombieverse or Age of Ultron. But Cyclops, being stubborn/badass leader he's always been, tries to rally the X-men with a stirring Mel Gibson speech. And he does it without going into an anti-semetic rant. I admit even I felt the urge to go out and fight demons or my 5th grade teacher, which is basically the same thing. It's the kind of Cyclops that X-men fans have come to love and Wolverine fans have come to despise.

But before anyone can start cheering and mooning demons, Magik's forces and a demon Nightcrawler show up. So much for an inspiring speech. Still a better outcome than Mel Gibson's last speech though.

Everybody seems to be running on empty. Fighting a crazy demon psycho bitch who is on a hell of a winning streak is taking a toll. Colossus, Domino, and the Goblin Queen's forces/bitches are still trying to meet up with the X-men or kick Magik's ass, whichever comes first. Along the way, they keep losing more of their forces. They're basically trying to fight Ronda Rhousy while bleeding to death. Colossus seems to know this and continues to look pretty damn pessimistic about saving his sister and/or ending her demonic ass. The only one who doesn't seem all that broken up about it is the Goblin Queen. She still looks like she's enjoying this. That or she's horny. I honestly can't tell and neither can my penis.

They finally get a break, albeit a small one. A few issues ago, Nightcrawler and Boom Boom managed to dive head-first into the losing end of a demon battle. Nightcrawler got turned into one of Magik's pets. Boom Boom just ended up like most pretty blondes in a slasher movie. Or did she? Well, this isn't another shitty Friday the 13th sequel so remarkably, she survived. Her hair looks like shit, but she's in one piece.

This may also sound forced, but it's not. And that's not just because of the weed. However she survived, she offers Colossus, Domino, and the Goblin Queen a better way to get to the demon-fighting action. Sure, it involves going through a sewer, but they just went through fucking Limbo. By comparison, a sewer has to be a cruise to the Bahamas. Since they're so fucked right now, they follow Boom Boom willingly. It seriously can't be worse than just wandering around the wasteland that Magik's demonic hissy fit has created.

Thanks to Boom Boom and the overly elaborate sewers that might as well be shit-powered magic gateways, Colossus and his team are able to meet up with the others. The details are somewhat lacking, but it's not a big deal because it leads to another X-men vs. Demons battle. There are just some things you can't be petty about.

The fight that unfolds isn't quite as epic as previous battles, nor is it intended to be. It's basically a way for Colossus, Domino, and the Goblin Queen's forces to meet up with Cyclops, Jean, and the rest of the beleaguered X-men. Is it enough to tip the balance in their favor? Probably not. But it does lead to a scene where Madelyne Pryor and Jean Grey are within slapping distance of one another. That alone makes it worthwhile.

Now this could and probably should've been a big moment. In the history of Inferno, the conflict between Jean Grey and Madelyne Pryor is one of the most emotionally charged clashes in the story and not just because guys like me jerk off to the thought of two sexy redheads fighting. Madelyne Pryor is still Jean Grey's clone and I imagine she's still somewhat pissed that Jean had the audacity to come back to life and take Cyclops from her. But none of that shit comes up. Instead, Madelyne just finds it satisfying to pwn Jean by subduing the demon Nightcrawler and making her look like a total pussy. I admit it's not the kind of emotionally charged clash I had been hoping for, but I can't deny that Madelyne knows how to pwn her rivals.

We don't get much from the Jean/Madelyne conflict, which is somewhat disappointing. But we still get plenty of demon fighting, which is pretty damn awesome. It's not as epic as previous battles, but it's still plenty visceral. It's not a case of whiskey, but it's a couple bottles and that's enough to have a good time.

And while we were denied more Jean/Madelyne conflict, we get more than our share of Cyclops/Colossus conflict. Granted, it's not nearly as sexy, but it's every bit as emotionally charged. Once they get a breather from fighting demons, Cyclops goes out of his way to blast and yell at Colossus for basically doing the exact opposite of what he told him to do. If that weren't bad enough, Cyclops ended up being right in the end and this time it didn't get his ass thrown in jail. He rightly points out that Colossus' endless efforts to save his sister were doing more harm than good. Now, they're all pretty much fucked. He's harsh, way more than he ever was with Wolverine. But Colossus doesn't argue with him. He never denies that he fucked up. Even so, it doesn't do much of anything to unfuck their situation.

It's a powerful moment and one that could get a lot messier and a lot less sexy if it continues. But just like before, it's a moment that gets cock-blocked. But this time, it isn't from Dr. Doom's people. This time, it's from their old friend/asshole Sinister. He showed up at the end of the previous issue. Now, he's arriving just in time exploit the X-men's desperation and vulnerability. He's like a corrupt lawyer, but not quite as ugly.

His appearance definitely surprises everybody. It's the first time Madelyne looks genuinely shocked and definitively not horny. Then Boom Boom vouches for him. It's at this point we find out how she actually survived. It's Sinister who saved her. He claims he also tinkered with her genetics to make her more subservient, but that's pretty much the basic package for this guy. That's one question answered, but the X-men are still suspicious of him, as they probably should be given how many crazy clones this guy has unleashed.

However, he claims he's there to help them. He claims he has a way for them to beat Magik. And Dr. Oz claims I can run a marathon in under two hours just by buying my vitamins from him. It's not a very credible claim. Unfortunately, the X-men aren't in a position to turn down help, especially now that Magik has the attention of Dr. Doom and his unholy henchmen. At the very least, Sinister isn't asking for their credit card number or a copy of their passport. It's hard to imagine how he can help them turn the tide against Magik. But given his reputation for fucking shit up, often with clones, why not take a chance? If it's a choice between Sinister and a teenage demon-loving psycho bitch, I think the choice is obvious.

After reading this issue, I feel like I need an exorcism, but in a good way. Once again, this series finds a way to make demons and the psycho bitches who love them fun. It also finds a way to inject a premium level of X-men caliber drama along the way. Like Red Bull and Vodka, the idea that X-men and demons would come together to make an awesome mix sounds crazy. But even if it is crazy, it's the kind of mixture that gets you fucked up in all the right ways and doesn't turn your vomit green. On behalf of my toilet, I thank Dennis Hopeless for making this work.

The heavy drama with Colossus and the inclusion of Sinister helps raise the stakes of this story. And with Doom's unholy army showing up, this series now feels like it's more than just a random brain fart from Battleworld. It has the potential to affect the larger landscape of Secret Wars. Overall, this issue and this series does everything it needs to do. It does drag a bit in some places, but it never kills your boner. And those who jerk off to demons and X-men drama will definitely need new underwear after this. Inferno #4 gets an 8 out of 10. More than anything else, we now know how dangerous crazy psycho demon bitches are. They're so crazy that they make Sinister an ally of the X-men. Let that sink in for the next several weeks. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #3

What’s the difference between being a dick and being truly evil? Well, it’s not a clear line. Being a dick is something we’re all capable of doing. We pee on the seat of a public toilet. We yell at a barista for not putting enough foam in our latte. We cut someone off in traffic just to make them honk their horn. We’ve all been guilty of shit like that at least once in our lives, usually on a Monday or after our favorite team is eliminated from the playoffs. But being evil requires an extra level of assholery. The difference between Dr. Doom and Dr. House is a matter of scale. And in the Inferno section of Battleworld, Magik has tipped the scale in ways that would shock a diabetic sumo wrestler.

There’s no way around it. Magik has gone beyond dry-humping the devil. She’s made him sign a pre-nup and gave him a forced circumcision. She’s now the Queen of Limbo and she’s basically a slightly more likable version of King Joffrey. Yet Colossus is still trying to save her while pleasuring Domino on the side. Hey, we can’t say the man isn’t ambitious and dedicated. But Magik keeps giving Colossus more and more reasons to drown his sorrows in Domino’s cleavage. She’s gotten so damn evil that Colossus now has to team up with Madelyne Pryor to take her down. Not to be outdone, Magik decides to turn Nightcrawler into a her own personal demon horse. I usually give somewhat of a pass to cute blonde girls, but I make an exception for this version of Magik. Colossus has a chance to make that exception in Inferno #3, but fuck if he’s just too damn dedicated.

But dedication alone just won’t cut it. He knows if he’s going to save his sister, he’s going to need a lot more than that. It’s why he teamed up with Madelyne Pryor. Fight crazy psycho bitch with crazy psycho bitch. It works with ex-girlfriends. Why shouldn’t it work with demon-possessed sisters?

There’s just one major problem and sadly, I’m not talking about a wardrobe malfunction with Madelyne. With Colossus leading the charge, they make it to Magik’s central lair in Limbo. The thing is she’s not there. She’s gone and not because she’s taking a shit either. She’s just flat out gone. Colossus is understandably confused while Madelyne Pryor is pleasantly surprised. She didn’t want to save Magik. She just wanted the throne and she just happened to arrive to find it vacant. That’s like walking into a shitty motel room and finding a cooler full of cold beer on the bed. Colossus is still pissed and Domino has to remind him that Madelyne went out of her way to lead them here, but he still looks like he needs a cold beer or a fresh bottle of vodka.

There’s some tense moments with Colossus and Domino, some of it very sexual, but they quickly find out that Magik has a very good reason for not being there. Armed with a demon-infused Nightcrawler, she teleports her army right to the front door of the X-men’s headquarters. So it’s not enough that she corrupted Nightcrawler. She has to use him to take a big demonic shit on the X-men’s home. There’s being a sadistic bitch and then there’s just being plain evil. Even my most vindictive ex-girlfriend had her limits. Magik has essentially spat on those limits and shot them with a bazooka.

What makes this attack all the more devious is that it took Colossus, Domino, and Madelyne Pryor out of the equation. By invading Limbo with their forces, they’ve essentially trapped themselves there. Now they can’t aid the X-men in any capacity. It’s a tactic that Starcraft fans of all kinds can respect.

While this adds to Colossus’ frustration, Madelyne is remarkably okay with it. She wanted Magik’s throne. Well, now she has it. She even claims they succeeded in helping Magik because they got her out of Limbo. She’s not the same overpowered psycho bitch in the real world as she is in Limbo. For Madelyne, that means she’ll either kill the X-men or get her ass kicked. I’m pretty sure either outcome will make her panties wet. I gotta say, psycho bitch or not, that’s pretty fucking brilliant. She can be both strategic and sexy. General Patton himself would approve.

But even Patton would probably say that the rest of the X-men outside Limbo are fucked. When Magik comes in riding a demonic Nightcrawler, she goes to work kicking a lot of ass. The X-men are caught completely off-guard. I’m pretty sure that no Danger Room scenario prepares them for Colossus’ crazy sister attacking with a demon-corrupted Nightcrawler.

The battle that unfolds is pretty fucking epic. It finally gives a chance for a few other notable X-men characters to show up. Cyclops and Jean Grey are among them, who only showed up briefly in the first issue. Others like Psylocke, Captain Britain, Banshee, Storm, Rogue, and Mystique show up. They don’t say much, but they do help contribute to the scale and scope of the battle. And finding out that Magik turned Nightcrawler against them gives it some dramatic weight that just adds frosting on top of the awesome.

The battle unfolds pretty quickly and is somewhat rushed at times. It still takes time to highlight Magik’s efforts to become an even bigger cunt, tormenting the likes of Captain Britain and Rogue. And she does it with the glee of a toddler in an oversized ball pit. There’s no internal conflict. There’s no ambiguity. She’s just an evil, sadistic cunt.

Nobody makes an effort to reach out to her like Colossus would and why should they? She twisted the soul of Nightcralwer and turned him into a World of Warcraft boss battle. There’s no redemption from that shit. On top of that, she’s trying to break the force field that’s keeping the rest of Limbo taking a massive demonic shit on the whole world. The X-men can’t be kind anymore so Cyclops does what he does best besides pissing off Wolverine. He rallies the X-men to him and urges them to fight the demon army. It’s still somewhat rushed, but the epic scale is never in doubt.

While the X-men do rally around Cyclops in a way they probably wish they had during Avengers vs. X-men, they quickly encounter a complication. Some of the X-men ended up abandoning their posts, leaving parts of their base vulnerable. They thought Magik couldn’t get there because of the shielding and to an extent they’re right. They just didn’t account for her having a giant teleporting Nighcrawler monster to help get her through. Again, who can blame him? Who could really anticipate Magik being this much of a cunt?

Armed with Nightcrawler’s teleportation powers, Magik teleports inside the building and confronts Beast and Dr. Strange. After giving them a brief moment to shit themselves, they attack. Keep in mind, the rest of the X-men are occupied with her demon army. From a pure strategic standpoint, this is pretty fucking smart. Most teenagers can barely strategize enough to win a game of dodge ball. Magik may be a cunt, but she’s a very cunning cunt.

Back in limbo, the situation is still pretty tense. It gets so tense that Domino has to take Colossus aside to give him a little pep talk that may or may not involve shoving her boobs in his face to calm him down. She keeps her top on sadly, but she’s able to give Colossus some badly needed perspective. It’s exactly concise, but it delivers a clear message. This battle is about more than his desire to save his sister. There’s a lot more at stake and being pissed off about it isn’t going to help, especially when they’re trapped in Limbo.

It leads to a nice, romantic moment that feels perfectly in line with the relationship Colossus and Domino have developed to this point. It still feels like some issues are left unresolved, namely how Colossus can still hope to save his sister after the shit she’s done. For that, even Domino’s boobs might not be enough.

Before things with Domino and Colossus get too R-rated, Madelyne Pryor drops in to inform them that the situation with the X-men has entered a new level of shit. The force field that held Magik’s demonic forces back is down, thanks to her sneak attack against Beast and Dr. Strange. Now the full force of her army can invade and crush the X-men. At this stage of the game, she’s gotta be feeling pretty good. If tormenting the X-men makes her giddy, she’ll need a shit-ton of heroin to bring her down.

Cyclops, who is bound by a wheelchair mind you, still tries to return to the base and stop her. Even without his legs, he’s still determined to fight. But he probably wishes he had the Phoenix Force or something like it because Magik makes clear that she’s won and his neck is ripe for snapping. I’m sure Doom would approve.

This all seems to be going to shit really fast. It comes dangerously close to being too fucked and not in the classic Die Hard way either. However, there’s one last twist that adds a few shit stains to the underwear of this story. There are actually other forces involved beyond demons, Limbo, and crazy psycho bitches. What could possibly be more powerful than demons and psycho bitches? How about Sinister?

It fits beautifully. He’s a man who makes clones of crazy psycho bitches on the weekends. And he hints that he’s been pulling a few strings through this demon-powered shit storm. He doesn’t offer much more than that, but his presence alone is like putting lace panties on Beyonce’s ass. It just makes something that’s already beautiful more tantalizing.

As a whole, this issue felt like getting a lap dance from a sexy demon who later sucked out your soul through your dick. And yet, it would still be worth it. This series, with its excessive use of demons and demon-loving women, has found a way to be more fun than a plate of bacon and a bottle of Jack Daniels. It deals with some pretty dark themes. It’s hard to get much darker than demon armies invading from hell. Yet it still finds a way to be fun. That’s like making a vacation to North Korea fun. It’s quite an accomplishment.

It didn’t do anything to try and redeem Magik, nor did it try. It’s taken a while, but it’s finally gotten to the point where even Colossus is willing to concede that his sister has become an evil, sadistic bitch. It also expanded the scope and scale of the battle, getting more of the X-men involved and putting them in in a Lord of the Rings style struggle. It came dangerously close to getting pretty damn hopeless, but the twist at the end with Sinister threw in an extra shot of tequila. Of all the Secret Wars tie-ins for X-men, this one is setting itself apart in all the right ways. It might not make pretty girls think twice about hooking up with demons, as the Kardashians have shown. But it’ll still make for an awesome story. I give Inferno #3 an 8 out of 10. Now maybe Colossus will stop trying to save his sister and give her an overdue spanking. Maybe he can do the same for Domino afterwards, but in a way she’ll enjoy. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #2

I think there’s a part of us that looks forward to a zombie apocalypse. Think about it. We’d be living in a world where we could channel our inner badass and exercise all our violent inclinations. Zombies are just walking meat bags that nobody hesitates to kill, as every Resident Evil game has conditioned us to feel. But they still look human so I think some would still hesitate. Those people would be the first to get eaten, but that’s why they should look forward to the demon Apocalypse, like the one in Inferno.

A demon Apocalypse is even more straight-forward than a zombie Apocalypse, as Inferno has nicely demonstrated. There’s no ambiguity with demons. They’re big, ugly, and nasty. Nobody is going to hesitate to kill these fuckers and no Resident Evil games need to condition anybody for that shit. It gave Colossus a chance to exercise his inner badass and he’s taken full advantage of it. He even managed to bang Domino along the way. That’s both an act of badassery and a solid example of multi-tasking. However, fighting demons and banging Domino are still secondary concerns for him. He’s still dedicated to saving his sister. That’s the main source of conflict in Inferno in addition to a psychotic Goblin Queen who looks awesome in black lingerie. It’s a conflict that has plenty of appeal and Inferno #2 looks to add to it.

However, it’s a conflict that’s becoming increasingly one-sided. Shockingly enough, demons aren’t content just killing something and letting its corpse rot. Boom Boom finds that out the hard way. She got disemboweled during the battle in the previous issue. But instead of leaving her body to worms and necrophiliacs, some creature that looks like a rejected Shrek character drags her bloodied body off. Don’t worry. He keeps his pants on. He has other plans for her, but that can’t be any less disturbing than something that hasn’t happened in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s kitchen.

For the sake of every meal I’ve had since Monday, we don’t find out what happens to Boom Boom. She’s just the pretty blond in a slasher movie that gets killed first, this time without her having to run naked through the woods. The main conflict is still centered around Colossus, who doesn’t look nearly as good in a bikini sadly. But he’s under the telekinetic thumb of Madelyne Pryor so it balances out.

Having subdued him in the previous issue, she holds him over an army of demons the same way a bully holds a kid’s head over a toilet. But she doesn’t just demand that he admits to jerking off to Star Trek reruns or something. She actually has a more practical issue at hand that she thinks Colossus can help her with. She gives a little speech to the demons, saying that Colossus thinks he can stop his sister. She then questions whether he’s tough enough to do so, not an unreasonable concern for anyone who wants to fight anyone in Limbo. However, she hints that if he is tough enough, then they would gladly follow him in this battle.

It’s an important revelation that adds some complexity to this conflict. It turns out that Madelyne is actually not Magik’s prison bitch. She’s actually a challenger to Magik’s throne. She doesn’t like Magik being the Queen of Limbo any more than Colossus. So in true Game of Thrones fashion, she wants to do something about it and she wants to do it in the most brutal way possible. If I were Colossus’ dick, I would be very worried right now.

True to her goblin bitch form, Madelyne throws him into a horde of demons to test his toughness. A quick, but brutal battle unfolds. It’s not as well-detailed or as visceral as previous battles. A game of Diablo will probably offer the same thing, if not better. But the end result isn’t that promising. Colossus, alone and against a demon army, fares about as well as Janet Reno in a beauty pageant. To make it even more lopsided, the arm that Magik corrupted in the previous issue turns against him. It would suck if that’s the hand he jerks off with because that would ruin more than his fighting skills.

So Colossus is failing miserably and way too quickly for the Goblin Queen’s panties to get wet. That’s when she makes an unexpected contribution and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with her panties. It involves her throwing the Soul Sword down into the arena for Colossus to wield with said demon arm. Where did she get this sword? Why did she wait until now to give it to him? I have no fucking clue and no explanation is offered. But it’s the Goblin Queen. I’ll just assume she flashed a couple of demons her tits and they gave it to her.

With it, Colossus has a new power at his disposal and his demon arm allows him to wield it. He then channels his inner Samurai Jack and tears into the demon monsters attacking him. Again, it’s a fairly short fight that’s low on visceral details. But it nicely gets the point across. Armed with this sword, Colossus can kick some demon ass. That’s just what Madelyne wants to see. It leaves her satisfied and probably a little horny.

While Colossus is busy fighting for his life and amusing the hell out of the Goblin Queen, Domino is still in one piece, albeit in a fiery prison cell. Compared to Boom Boom, she might as well be at the Four Seasons, but she still can’t do shit to help anyone. She needs an opportunity to exploit and she finds it in the form of a familiar looking kid who probably is just getting to the age when he has an inextricable urge to see boobs.

Domino works her charm, but stops short of flashing him. They start talking about big fucking guns and how much fun they are to shoot. And being a kid, he doesn’t really know that Domino is playing him. It’s almost cute, but there are way worse ways she could take advantage of him. She doesn’t resort to any of them because she doesn’t have to. The dumb kid agrees to let her out so she can help him improve his gun. And that’s not a dick joke, believe it or not.

Domino has it easiest compared to everyone. But if there’s anyone who has it worst, it’s Nightcrawler. He got captured in the previous issue and unlike Boom Boom, he wasn’t lucky enough to get killed. Instead, Magik had him taken to her base of operations in Limbo. She makes it clear that she’s going to break him. Nightcrawler doesn’t even get a chance to tell her to go fuck herself. Instead, she just goes Exorcist on his ass and turns him into a monster/pet. It’s cruel, even by the standards of a teenage girl. But it establishes just how depraved Magik has become. If anyone had any sympathy for her before, they can pretty much throw it away with the used diapers and empty beer cans.

The situation finally improves somewhat for Colossus. After showing his skills with the Soul Sword, the Goblin Queen invites her up to her throne room. Sadly, she remains fully clothed. She then expands on some the revelations from earlier. She explains that not just anyone can wield the Soul Sword and his ability to do so with his demonic arm actually gives them a fighting chance against his sister. She then says outright that she wants to help him get Illyana Rasputin off the throne. She’ll even lend him her demon hordes. It’ll give him a way better chance than just a handful of X-men.

Colossus may be a farm boy from Siberia, but even he’s not dumb enough to suspect that a psychotic woman in a thong would help him out of the goodness of her heart. And to her credit, Madelyne doesn’t even try to deny it. She says outright that she wants to rule in Illyana’s place. So they’d just be exchanging one psycho bitch for another. That’s not much of a deal, but it still means that Colossus would get his sister back. It’s a tough bargain and I imagine that seeing Madelyne’s ass doesn’t make it easier.

But before they can continue negotiating, they get an unexpected interruption from Domino. She managed to outsmart that kid from earlier and make it to the throne room. That’s still not saying much. Outsmarting a kid is like tricking a cat with a laser pointer. Another quick fight ensues that only mildly annoys Madelyne. It eventually settles down when Colossus explains that they’re about to make a deal that might give them a fighting chance for once. Domino, being the most understanding girlfriend since Jackie Kennedy, goes along with it.

In addition, we find out that the kid isn’t just some creepy little shit from a Chucky movie. He’s a young Cable and he’s working with his darling mother, Madelyne. I want to say this is a sweet family moment, but it can only be so sweet when Madelyne is dressed as a Goblin Queen/stripper. I imagine Cable is going to have a lot of issues and not just those that involve demons.

Issues aside, the allegiance is set. The Goblin Queen is ready to work with the X-men to depose Magik. And remarkably, Domino is okay with this and willingly follows her boyfriend into battle with the Goblin Queen’s forces. It’s not as epic as it sounds. Again, the battles are somewhat muted, even if they’re not glossed over. However, it still has a brutal impact in a very specific way.

Remember that monster Magik turned Nightcrawler into? Well since she hasn’t made herself enough of a bitch just yet, she decides to ride him right into battle. It’s beyond a dick move. It makes me want to slap Colossus across the face and tell him his sister doesn’t deserve to be saved at this point. He may figure that out the hard way at some point, but it ensures that the coming battle is going to be much more dramatic and much more brutal.

Any story that involves demons, hell spawn, and psychotic women in thongs is bound to get pretty brutal. In that respect, this comic carries on that tradition proudly. It doesn’t attempt to make demons sexier or more sympathetic. They don’t fucking sparkle or anything. It just takes Colossus’ struggle to save his sister and more layers of demonic brutality to it. And for once I think both Christians and Satanists can agree. It really works.

This issue added a bit more complexity to the typical “X-men fight demons” story. There’s a bit of demonic politics unfolding behind the scenes, but less in the classic C-SPAN sort of way and more in the typical Game of Thrones sort of way. I’m not saying that Madelyne Pryor is on par with the Lannisters, but Magik is getting dangerously close to King Joffrey territory what she did to Nightcrawler. She’s only reinforcing something Game of Thrones gets across all too well. There is no cure for being a cunt. Colossus may or may not accept this as he fights to save his sister. At least now he can say he’s fighting with the aid of two beautiful women and the soul sword. Even by demonic standards, that’s an epic win. Inferno #2 gets an 8 out of 10. At the rate the brutality is escalating in this series, even HBO might not be turned off by this. I guess so long as nobody gets anymore body parts amputated, it’ll remain both fun and disturbing. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Inferno #1

There was once a time when Madelyne Pryor was a sympathetic character and not just the first in a long line of examples as to why clones suck. That time ended around the same time hair metal bands started going out of style. It's no secret that evil clones are Marvel's equivalent of infected warts. But at the very least, Madelyne Pryor can be seen as an attractive mole of sorts. Yes, she's an evil clone. Yes, she's a character that became shitty due entirely to circumstances. But fuck if she doesn't make evil look sexy.

It's been a long time since Madelyne Pryor got to do anything other than give the anti-Cyclops crowd an easy reference point to justify their bitching. It's been even longer since she was anything other than a C-list X-men villain. But thanks to Secret Wars, we have a chance to revisit certain periods in Marvel's history where the Goblin Queen was menacing in a way that didn't just involve awkward boners. Inferno #1 introduces a section of Battleworld where Madelyne Pryor didn't become Chris Claremont's most asinine creation. It's not the kind of section where anyone would want to go on a vacation, but it gives her a chance to be part of a meaningful story. It also gives her a chance to look sexy in a thong again and Odin knows we can never pass up an opportunity like that.

Like some of the other Secret Wars tie-ins, this issue tells a story that anyone who was alive in the late 80s or isn't too lazy to consult Wikipedia has seen before. Inferno's climactic battle had the X-men and X-Factor team up to take down the Goblin Queen and save Colossus' sister from becoming a demon seed and not the kind that underpaid kindergarten teachers whine about. It was a passionate battle that led to one of the X-men's most bittersweet victories.

However, the big difference here is that they didn't win. The demons, going against every Exorcist knock-off ever made, won the day. And instead of fighting human bigotry, the X-men have to fight demons. Given the extent of human bigotry, I can't say it's a hard transition. Now they have to fight a war in a domain of Battleworld, making yearly pushes to save Magik and stop the onslaught.

But the turning point in the battle came with a moment that never would've made it past the censors in the late 80s. Remember, this was a period where Madonna videos were seen as being too sexual. In one of the X-men's numerous failed assaults, Cyclops gets clawed in the back in a way that Wolverine only dreams of. It's a devastating wound and one that sends Jean Grey's level of pissed off to I'm-going-to-fuck-you-up-on-a-cosmic-scale type level. It effectively ends the fight in a draw, but it establishes a much darker turn for this world.

It's hardly the type of upbeat turn that would fit into the latter Reagan years, but it works on many levels. These are demons the X-men are dealing with. Their struggle against the Goblin Queen was always going to have some collateral damage. This just went a bit further, but not so far that it could become an Alan Moore novel. It just takes the darkest hour of Inferno and sends it in a different direction. Those who like seeing Cyclops get wounded will like it. Those who would rather see the X-men fight killer robots might not.

While Cyclops' injury provides the first big "Oh fuck!" moment, it isn't the one with the most impact. Colossus, in an effort to make Cyclops and Jean Grey's sacrifice meaningful, manages to make it to his sister. It starts off as an emotional reunion and ends with the joys of a root canal and a lobotomy. Colossus finds out the hard way that his sister is already lost. She basically reveals that she's become fond of dry-humping the devil and is now Darkchild, ruler of Inferno. She even fucks his arm up to reinforce her point. Most siblings are content to make their point with a wedgie or a wet willie. As the Darkchild, Magik is willing to go the extra mile.

Again, it's pretty damn dark, but it's very firm in establishing the turning point for this world. It's specific, detailing the moments in which this version of Inferno goes to shit. There's little ambiguity, something that Battleworld has had a bit too much of in some respects. Even if it is dark, it's refreshing in how it establishes this cozy little hellhole in the Battleworld landscape. It also gives it some emotional weight with Colossus and Cyclops. Unless someone is on heavy anti-depressants or recently shorted the stock of the companies that sell them, it has plenty of appeal.

Flash forward a year and the impact of this new world is explored. It's all centered around Colossus, who isn't exactly in a healthy state of mind after failing to save his sister. However, that didn't stop him from hooking up with Domino so I'd say he found a very healthy way to cope. It sure beats paying for a therapist or going on multiple drinking binges. Losing his sister has not kept him from enjoying the benefits of a hot girlfriend, nor should it. A hot girlfriend is a great medication and it can be taken with alcohol. Perhaps Dennis Hopeless and Marvel should patent that treatment. He'd be rich enough to retire tomorrow.

Beyond having a hot girlfriend to help him cope, we also see that Colossus' daily routine revolves around leading what's left of the X-men in a constant battle against the forces of Inferno. It's basically Lord of the Rings with demons and no goofy-looking hobbits. They fight demons, protect the innocent, and then slam back a few beers before going to bed. Overall, it's not a terrible way to live in the Marvel universe. It still beats living in Ultimate Marvel by a long shot.

Beyond Colossus' day-to-day coping, we get additional insight into how this world works. It may be a strange feeling for some, seeing so much effort put into fleshing out the details of a world. I was so shocked I actually had to read this book sober a few times to make sure I wasn't overdosing. I'm happy to say for the sake of my brain cells that I wasn't tripping. This book actually does put some effort into developing this world. And it's a world that deals with a fucked up set a problems by relying on a fucked up set of solutions.

A big part of that solution involves mixing both magic and technology to fight demons. That's a lot like creationists and scientists coming together to fight an invasion of alien demons. It's an odd partnership, but one that's forced by necessity. With help from familiar names like Dr. Strange and Hank McCoy, the X-men make sure they're equipped with the kind of demon-fighting material that the Vatican would drool over. It makes sense in a twisted sort of way and helps create a novel dynamic for this world, so much so that it doesn't quite feel like X-men in some respects. But don't worry. Other dynamics ensure this book is distinctly an X-book.

Remember that claw to the back that made anti-Cyclops fans squeal like a big in a mud factory? Well they'll have to put their dicks away because it didn't kill him. It just relegated him to a wheelchair so that he's now basically the Professor Xavier of the X-men. He's still a leader, just not one who can go into the field and hook up with hot telepaths. And he still clashes with his teammates, especially Colossus. It makes for a fairly tense scene when Cyclops discourages him from trying to rescue his sister again. After losing his legs, I think he's right to be a little reluctant. But Colossus, being the kind of loyal sibling that is never shown on a sitcom, tells him to fuck off. He's going to save his sister even if it means going through his psychotic ex-wife. That alone should make him the greatest big brother in the history of any universe.

Despite Cyclops' clear and understandable warnings, Colossus leads the team right into the anus of the demon hordes. It makes for another round of action that's basically the same we saw in the beginning. It's not as visceral or brutal as a demon fight could be. It's almost cartoonish, like a rerun of Gargoyles. And aside from the exchanges between Domino and Colossus, there isn't a lot of strong dialog here either.

That doesn't make the battle feel any less fitting. It doesn't go above and beyond to make Hitchcock fans anxious, but it doesn't fail in any respect. It just puts the X-men in the middle of a demon fight without a lot of strategy. It keeps things simple. Colossus wants to try and save his sister again. And after he failed last time and got his arm fucked up, it seems like he's pissing into the wind.

It doesn't take long for this tactic to come back to bite him. After a few generic brawls with random demons, they find out they dove head-first into a demon-filled shit storm. They may be evil and sadistic, but they're not stupid. Run head-first into their domain and they're like hungry dogs watching a wounded kitten eat their steaks. They're going to fucking fight back and they're going to have the advantage. Remember, Cyclops warned them that they were not equipped to take on Inferno like this. Having been clawed and crippled by them, he would know and he ends up being vindicated.

That doesn't stop some of the X-men from having a few badass moments. Nightcrawler gets to shine a little and he even makes a Princess Bride reference. He also gets to save an incredibly overmatched Boom Boom so Colossus isn't the only one who gets cozy with a pretty girl. It still doesn't stop her from getting clawed in the back like Cyclops. Anyone else starting to see a pattern here? Or maybe I am overdosing. I can't really tell.

The action remains fairly basic, but it does still carry some personal weight once Magik shows up. She's still the main driving force behind this story. She's the one that Colossus is trying to save and she's doing everything she can to make him want to leave her in Hell so he can go back to humping Domino. She has to know he's already pretty damn tempted. After wounding Boom Boom, Colossus has even fewer excuses. There's being a good brother and then there's just being a gullible douche.

In the end, it isn't Magik that he has to worry about the most. She's basically Inferno's pitbull on a leash. The one still tugging that leash is the Goblin Queen, also known as Marvel's first failed attempt to make clones viable. Colossus is on a roll against the demons, at least for a while. But eventually, his bullshit lack of strategy catches up with him and Domino gets roughed up. And since Magik isn't there to rub it in his face like a bratty little sister should, the Goblin Queen opts to do it for her.

Now this is the first time the Goblin Queen shows up in this story so her appearance is kind of a WTF moment. With Magik being the main focus since the beginning, it feels somewhat out of place. However, given that this world does stem from Inferno, her presence isn't just appropriate. It's downright necessary. And since Cyclops' balls aren't present for her to bust, she decides to focus on Colossus. And since she has Domino fully subdued, she can do so in a true Game of Thrones style tradition.

This issue didn't have a lot of Madelyne Pryor in a thong, but it had plenty of other positives to offer. It created a section of Battleworld that felt genuinely different and unique, compared to the other sections that had been introduced thus far. This is a world that could've easily become real fucking dark real fast. Anything that involves demons and evil clones is bound to become dark to some extent. However, the story still maintained a distinct sense of purpose that wasn't entirely centered around whether or not Madelyne Pryor was wearing a thong. Make no mistake, that's still part of the appeal. It's just not the only appeal.

There are still a few plots that aren't sufficiently fleshed out, but not to the point where it's going to give someone a seizure. It does make an effort to tie into more recent events with X-men, such as Colossus hooking up with Domino. But this really doesn't add as much to the story as it could've. Other elements like Cyclops being in a wheelchair and Havok being Madelyne's prison bitch add some more compelling dynamics. It still feels like a What If story of sorts. It doesn't really tie into the greater landscape of Battleworld that others have, but it still works. If nothing else, Inferno #1 lays a pretty solid foundation, even without Madelyne Pryor's underboob showing. I give Inferno #1 a 7 out of 10. It raises more questions than answers, but some of those questions give me wonderful feelings in my pants and that's usually a positive sign. Nuff said!