X-men Supreme Issue 40: Overlord Part 3 PREVIEW

We're officially at the halfway point of the biggest event in the history of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series! I've been working long and hard, making sure this event is as big as any X-men event ever told by Marvel comics. I know that's a tall order for a fanfiction series, but I'm trying to treat this as something much more than that. As with all great stories, great tribulation will lead to great change. In the last issue, Magneto fired the first shot of the conflict. Now the X-men and all of humanity must try to respond. Their struggle takes an unexpected turn in the next issue. As usual, I've prepared a preview for the next Earth-shaking issue of X-men Supreme.

Lorna shot around to see her half-brother standing in front of her in street clothes, casually eating a bag of chips. She instinctively got defensive, having not spoken to her siblings since the uprising.

“Pietro! What do you want?” she demanded.

“Take it easy, half-sis. I’m not here to fight,” he said with his mouth full of chips, “I’m just here to pay a friendly visit to the only girl in our family who doesn’t seem outraged by the way they’re treating our father.”

“I am outraged! But if you think you can get me to turn my back on my friends or my mother, you’re going to be disappointed!” she said, making some of the metal around her move, “Now are you going to leave me alone or am I going to have to make you?”

“Wow, Wanda was right. The women of the family do seem to inherent father’s temper,” commented Pietro.

“I’ll take that as a no,” grunted Lorna as she levitated a couple of chairs around her.

At this point, Pietro quit the jokes and got serious. He threw away his empty bag of chips and held his hands up innocently.

“Whoa there! We’re already in a hospital, Lorna. Let’s not add to the body count,” he said calmly.

“Then explain yourself or go away!” she said.

“Fine, but you’re going to owe me big time after I do this little favor,” he said.

“Favor? What are you talking about?” said Lorna, letting the chairs down.

“This,” he said as he pulled out some folded up pieces of paper from his pocket, “I did a little rummaging through the files here. Turns out the doctors have been keeping a few secrets from you.”

Pietro then handed the papers to Lorna. Curious but suspicious, Lorna kept her eye on her estranged brother as she unfolded them. They appeared to be some kind of medical records, not unlike the ones she saw the doctors carrying around all the time. She recognized them as belonging to her mother. They were a detailed record of her treatments since she arrived at this hospital, but what really caught her eye were the comments made at the bottom.

Her heart jumped up into her throat when she read those ominous words. Words like terminal and irreversible dominated every sentence. The line at the bottom was the hardest to read. It confirmed what she had been dreading for so long now.

“Six weeks…that’s all she has?!” sobbed Lorna, “Six week before…”

She couldn’t even say it. She dropped the paper and had to lean on the wall for balance. Pietro quickly caught her to keep her from completely falling over. She was on the verge of breaking down. Her mother was dying and now she had a time limit. Just six weeks at the most and she would be gone.

“I’m sorry, Lorna. I really am,” said Pietro in as sincere a tone he could manage.

“No…it can’t be!” she sobbed, “Xavier said this place was the best! This is where she could get the treatment that would…”

“Xavier makes a lot of promises he can’t keep. It’s sort of his thing.”

“Shut up! My mom is dying and you’re using this to spite Xavier?!” she exclaimed.

“I’m just stating facts, Lorna,” he said bluntly, “Trust me, I take no joy in saying this. But it’s too late for your mother. There’s nothing you or Xavier can do for her.”

Lorna looked at her brother bitterly and then back at her mother. As much as she resented him, she knew he was right.

“No…not like this,” she said, looking at her mom, “I can’t lose her!”

“You don’t have to,” said Pietro, putting a hand on her shoulder, “Remember those healers father promised you during the uprising? That promise still stands you know.”

“What healers?” scoffed Lorna bitterly, “There were no healers! If so, why didn’t you offer them before when my mother still had a chance?!”

“That was then. This is now,” said Pietro ominously, “The situation has changed on Genosha. Something’s come up…something Wanda and I want you to be a part of.”

“Didn’t we already go through this before?” said Lorna bitterly, “You tried to get me to go along with a war to save my mother!”

“This is different. What we’re planning this time is worlds away from the uprising against Hodge,” grinned the speedster, “You want to save your mother. But what about the world she’s going to live in? Don’t you want that to be something worth living in?”

“That depends. What does this plan entail that’s so different than the last one?” asked Lorna skeptically.

“That I can’t tell you because I sincerely don’t know. All I can tell you is that you gotta decide now because it’s all going down soon. You want to save your mother? You can. You just have to give me and Wanda a second chance.”



Also, when reading the next issue keep an eye out for a few special details. There's something I've been hinting at and concealing since the beginning of this fanfiction series. It involves a certain character and a certain relationship. It was mentioned earlier in this event, but the full story will become clearer by the end of this issue! Keep an eye out for it and you'll see what I mean! Now recently, I know I haven't been updating the pics or bios section. That's because I've been sinking so much of my time into this big X-men Supreme event. I promise I'll try to catch up when all is said and done. In the meantime, please take time to review this series or contact me with feedback. Reviews have been slipping lately and I really want to get as much feedback as possible so I can make this and future X-men Supreme events as awesome as they can be! Excelsior!


Jack

X-men Schism #3 - New Divide (of Awesome)

Pop quiz, fanboys! What book has homicidal kids, killer robots, and women dressed as hookers? If you're into anime porn, you're atomically disqualified. If you masturbate to only slightly more to slightly less disgusting porn, you probably answered X-men Schism. It's the big X-men event billed as the end of the epic Cyclops/Wolverine bromance that has graced X-men comics and slash fanfiction websites for years. It's one of those events that will force yet another cataclysmic change that seems to run through the X-books every other Thursday. In that sense it's like a Presidential race in America, but slightly less obscene, a lot less boring, and Bill O'Riley doesn't bitch about it.

But as hyped up as this series has been, it hasn't really gotten to the...you know, the actual Schism. The first two issues were great, but they could have easily been issues of Uncanny X-men. What happens is pretty basic. Logan comes back hung over. Cyclops ropes him into some good-will mission to appease bullshit politicians. Giant robots and a psychic sociopath intervene. So essentially, it's your basic X-men story. No biggie. But the basic shit ends when you add psychotic kids into the mix. Somehow, Marvel has so exhausted every conceivable idea for villains that they resort to the kind of psychos that nobody would suspect, per-pubescent children. It's the kind of shit that would only terrify a Catholic Priest. But somehow, these kids have graduated from whining about their parents not letting them play Mortal Kombat and become the new Hellfire Club. Now I took issue with this, but I was willing to overlook it in hopes that it would go somewhere. Now the third issue is here and we can move this shit along.

The last issue of Schism ended with junior Hellfire Club storming in a mutant history museum just as the X-men were doing a little PR. Now that giant robots are attacking them all over the world, they have to do something to show the Fox News crowd that they're not assholes. The explosions haven't begun. The team is still smiling for the cameras while Cyclops is monitoring the situation with three blond triplet psychics. Seriously, what is it about this guy's penis that makes him so fucking lucky? But they don't know that the Hellfire Club's Little Rascal division is getting ready to fuck with them. They only get a clear sign shit just got heavy when someone jams their psychic communications. Fearing that he'll never see Emma Frost naked again, Cyclops springs into action. No, that's not a dick joke.

So sentinels are off ravaging the planet in ways that Ted Bundy could possibly understanding. The X-men are trying to save some face by showing up and looking sexy at a mutant history museum. And what's Wolverine doing? He's getting shit faced. Right, that's real proactive of him. Then again, he's never been known for being on the ball. That's part of what makes him Wolverine. It also makes him a bit of a dick, but that's besides the point. As soon as he sees a news report in the bar that some shit is going down at the mutant history museum, he puts down the beer (presumably after chugging it whole) and rushes over to get his claws bloody.

So the X-men have their communications cut off and there's no Wolverine to stab the problem away. Yet Emma, Colossus, Namor, and Magneto aren't all that threaten. Why would they be? They're facing fucking kids. Again, that's worth restating. These Hellfire goons are kids. I don't know what kind of statement Marvel is making about today's youth, but I'm fairly certain it involves alcohol and a lack of birth control. Namor makes it a point to say that he's hit kids before. Way to make yourself more of a douche, Namor! You do the seas proud!

The battle starts off as you would expect. It's like Mike Tyson versus Richard Simmons. The X-men show a little flash and flare against these kids, most of who probably have just discovered internet porn and still laugh when somebody farts. I already did a rant about this on the last issue. It's worth restating. These are kids running the fucking Hellfire Club. The WTF factor is hard to overstate. It couldn't be more messed up if it had talking animals. The X-men still treat it as a regular fight. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but still the villains here are kids. I know our population is aging, but beating up kids is still taboo. Then again, those crazy sociopath kids eventually start playing dirty as kids that age tend to do.

This is where WTF takes yet another twist. The X-men do okay for themselves in terms of halting the attack. But then the kids start pulling the kind of tricks that fanfiction writers use when they try to write fight scenes drunk (or maybe that's just me). They start pulling out these strange weapons that just happen perfectly counter the X-men. One creates these little holes that dry out Namor and render him weaker than Glenn Beck's credibility. Another shoots a tiny magnetar super blast to down Magneto. Another just shoots Emma in the head while in her diamond form and that's enough to knock her out. When something other than roofies knocks out Emma Frost, it's time to call bullshit.

Now I get the threat these Hellfire kids pose. Jason Aaron treats them like real villains and they walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. The problem is it's hard to take them that seriously because they're kids. Not only are they devious enough to hatch a plot like this, but they're competent enough to use these super-weapons that are specifically made to stop the X-men. I know comic books are fantasy, but there's fantasy and then there's just pushing it. This book walks that fine line and doesn't walk it very well. It's not enough to completely bring down the book, but the WTF factor is still pretty apparent.

So all the X-men are taken down and incapacitated. The human crowd are taken hostages and will likely be used as plaster in kid Hellfire's new tree house. But one mutant managed to avoid the whole attack. It was Idie, one of the Five Lights. Now she's not a heavyweight. She's a teenage girl who barely started growing into her bra. She's not a trained fighter. She's not a killer. Yet she's the only one that can do something about this. Psychic communication was reestablished so Cyclops can talk to Idie and so can Wolverine. She tells them that she sees the Hellfire Club corralling the hostages and preparing a suitcase that anyone who ever watched 24 would understand is a fucking bomb. Wolverine wants Idie to get out and wait for backup. Cyclops wants to save those hostages and the woman who lets him see her naked. Thus the stage is set for the books most powerful moment.

Over a psychic communication line, Wolverine and Cyclops argue incessantly. Remember, it was only one issue ago that Wolverine sat down with Idie and encouraged her to be a kid and not a killer. Now in order to save the X-men and the hostages, she'll have to become a killer. That may be okay with Cyclops, but that's a line Wolverine isn't willing to cross. Having been down that road before, he knows it sucks donkey balls. It's not something he would wish on many, especially an innocent girl like Idie who just got roped into this mutant shit. But Cyclops is all about cold, calculating decisions. That's been his hallmarks since he became the grand poobah of mutants. So in the end, he doesn't listen to Wolverine. He tells Idie to do what needs to be done. That means impersonating a scene right out Scarface and pretty much taking a shit on her innocence.

What happens next is a graphic yet powerful scene. Idie emerges from the shadows and takes on the Hellfire guards. She doesn't hesitate either. She channels her inner Iceman and Firestar and attacks. It's a hell of a spectacle that results in a pile of dead Hellfire bodies. There's no censorship here. This is shit the Comic Code authority would throw up over if they still had any kind of relevance. A young African girl slaughters a group of armed men wearing white masks. Somewhere, Jesse Jackson is smiling like an idiot. But the message sent is clear. A line has been crossed.

This is a profound moment because you can tell that this is where the series gains it's title, Schism. Wolverine and Cyclops have disagreed on shit before. They've fought over boning the same woman before. But this is beyond that. Cyclops has finally crossed a line that he wouldn't have been able to cross if he weren't the undisputed leader of the X-men. Wolverine, despite having crossed many lines himself, won't stand for that sort of shit. It's not something they can settle over beer and a bong hit. Of all the ways Marvel could have driven these two men apart, this is by far one of the most profound.

Needless to say, when the two men meet up they're quite pissed. Cyclops is more concerned with logistics. Having Idie cross that line saved the hostages and the X-men. Sure, it caused the building to blow up. But that's an acceptable lost. But to Logan, the loss of Idie's innocence is far worse. He's so pissed at Cyclops that he doesn't realize that Idie never killed those kid Hellfire goons. They snuck out because they're kids. Nobody's going to suspect that they caused shit like this. Even if they were topless playboy models looking to score some blow, Wolverine and Cyclops wouldn't have noticed. They stare each other down the same way a hungry grizzly stares at a fat kid covered in bacon grease. They're ready to rip each other apart.

Well if they're going to at one point, that'll have to wait. There are still two issues left and as it just so happens, that bomb those kids brought wasn't a bomb. It was some kind of super sentinel, one that starts off as a glowing ball of light and then becomes a killer robot. It's not unlike an acid trip at the planetarium. So despite having wounded X-men and another PR disaster on their hands, these two guys have to work together to take down this flashy excuse for a sentinel. Somehow, you get the sense that this is going to be the last time for a while when we see Cyclops and Wolverine kicking ass together. Excuse me while I wipe the tears from my eyes and the semen stains from my shorts.

So unlike me in my forth grade math class, Marvel has done a successful divide. The seeds are planted. The cow shit his been thrust into the soil and already they're starting to bloom. For months, it's been speculated what could be so profound that it drives an adamantium laced wedge between Cyclops and Wolverine? Is it another hot redhead they want to bone? Is it Cyclops hiding Wolverine's liquor stash? No, it's a fateful decision involving a young mutant who didn't even exist before this year. Wolverine watched Cyclops make Idie a killer. That shit doesn't fly with him. He'll accept Cyclops getting to bone hotter women, but he can't accept him giving orders like this. It's such a profound divide it almost makes up for the sheer insanity of using fucking kids for the Hellfire Club.

This was the issue I have been waiting for. It took two issues to set it up, which I feel was one issue too long. But now that it's here, I'm more satisfied than Tiger Woods at a Bankok massage parlor. This isn't some bullshit argument between Cyclops and Wolverine. This isn't something that could easily be resolved, retconned, and glossed over. A serious fucking line has been crossed here. In some ways it speaks to Cyclops's ascent to power over the past few years. It's gotten to a point where he's the only game in town. He gives the orders and people follow him. It was only a matter of time before he gave an order that Wolverine would take issue with. In the end, the formation of that uber-sentinel seems to signify the last battle of a united X-men. It's like the cloud of smoke billowing out of Snoop Dogg's living room, clouding your vision before you see the orgy. It's an ominous yet clear divide and one that has more potential to explode than Mel Gibson at an Israel rally.

Now I still have a hard time getting over the fact that the Hellfire Club is now run by a bunch of fucking kids. Not only are they kids, but they somehow have access to weapons that can take down Namor and Magneto. These kids aren't even old enough to fucking drive, yet they can wield weapons like that? I'm hoping there's something else at work here because if these really were just kids, that would be too fucked up to wave your dick at no matter how many fetish porn sites you have a subscription to. Even if they are kids, they put the X-men into a position that will tear them apart. So for that, I have to give it up to them. They're almost as nasty as the assholes I dealt with in 5th grade. Almost.

X-men Schism #3 is a landmark issue. It gives a clear and concise reason for this schism between Wolverine and Cyclops to begin. It sets the stage for this whole fucking relaunch of the X-books and does it in an awesome way. I want to give it a perfect score just for that, but I still can't overlook the Hellfire kids. That's just too fucked up, even for a comic book. So for a final score, I give X-men Schism #3 a 4.5 out of 5. This event has the potential to be more awesome than any X-men event since Second Coming. If they could just do something about those fucking kids, it would be perfect. And if that makes me sound like a cantankerous old drunk, so be it! Nuff said!

X-POSITION: Rick Remender - My Questions Asked and a Bit of Ranting

Let's not mince words. I fucking love Uncanny X-Force. If it was a line of blow, I'd snort it up off the toilet seat of a truck stop in New Jersey after six guys came in with a bout of explosive diarrhea. It's been one of the best things Marvel has come out with since Emma Frost's bra size. So naturally when CBR has Rick Remender over for their X-POSITION column, I jump at the chance to ask questions. And by Odin's beard, they were asked and answered! Guess bathing in the blood of a bear and sacrificing ten goats was enough to appease the comic gods. It's almost worth the cleaning bill and the public indecency charge that's currently pending. Next time, I'll try to remember to keep my clothes on.

CBR: X-POSITION - Rick Remender

Lord, Buddha, and Odin all know I have many. If you read my last review, you know that Uncanny X-Force is in the middle of the Dark Angel Saga. It's Uncanny X-Force meets Age of Apocalypse. It contains a live Jean Grey, Nightcrawler, and Sabretooth. It has Fantomex Frenching Psylocke. It has Angel becoming more badass than he's ever been. You can't get much more of a high without rolling it into a joint! My questions were pretty basic, but one in particular left me hung over in ways I only get after trips to Bangkok.


Let's go next to the big picture from MarvelMaster616:

1) It was mentioned at Comic-Con that "Schism" will affect X-Force. What kind of repercussions can we expect?

Jason, Kieron and I have been in close contact to make sure that these books not only feel like a family of interconnecting stories, but to ensure our future plans respect the future plans of the other writers. The new status quo after "Schism" will add a new job on top of X-Force's already hectic schedule. Conversely, the events of the "Dark Angel Saga" will also greatly affect both of the other titles. And what we're talking about now, it could well grow into something that we can all reconnect on. There will be a lineup change in X-Force and a few other drastic changes as well.


2) I'm glad you got Jean Grey involved in the "Dark Angel Saga," as she's been absent from the X-books for so long. What is your approach to writing Jean Grey? And why do you state she was the love of Wolverine's life when he arguably has a deeper history with Mariko Yashida? And where would Melita fit in?

I guess it comes down to interpretation. I see this coming from the idea that an unrequited love is somehow more powerful than one that was fulfilled. I see Logan's first years in the X-Men, and his powerful attraction to Jean Grey, as the love that should have been. Logan and Jean did love each other, and they were obviously very attracted to each other, but there were so many things between them, so many reasons that could never happen, that they both went on with their lives and their other romances. Wolverine is an old, old man. He' s had many loves in his life. Think about writing a vampire, who's been alive for a couple hundred years. You have more than just one or two wives/long term girlfriends that he spent years in love with. Jean was the one fate conspired against and the one that haunts him.

3) I really enjoyed the scene in "Uncanny X-Force" #12 where Fantomex broke down Betsy's relationship with Warren. Can we say at this point that the seeds of doubt have been sewn in Betsy? What will the "Dark Angel Saga" do for their relationship as a whole?

I could tell you, but then there wouldn't be much reason to read the book. It's one of those questions that's impossible to give any answer to without spoiling the current storyline. Sorry.


Question's 1 and 3 were fairly satisfying. I'm glad Schism will affect what's going on in Uncanny X-Force since it seems to be fucking with every other X-books. But it's his response to the Jean/Wolverine relationship where I call bullshit. Now I've also made my feelings about this relationship clear. Hell, I did whole blog post on them. The jist of their relationship is it's unrequited. Wolverine loves Jean. Jean's attracted to him, but doesn't love him back. That creates tension, which was okay for the first few issue but it got old and boring fast. It fucked up X3 and it's fucked up their characters in pretty much every other incarnation, except for Age of Apocalypse.

Now Rick Remender's response implies that he thinks that Jean and Wolverine were more passionate than they really were. I'm sorry, but that just completely flies in the face of what's transpired over 40 years of X-men comics. Look at that underlined part. Should have been? Why the fuck should they have ever been? He seems to forget that before Wolverine came along, Jean had a pretty strong history with Cyclops. And by strong, I mean it was a central feature to the Dark Phoenix Saga (also known as the greatest fucking X-men story ever told). Not only that, Jean went with Cyclops when she came back even though Wolverine was alive and well. She stayed with him, married him, and raised a fucking kid with him in the future. That kind of shit is pretty hard to overlook. And somehow she and Wolverine share such a passionate love that it's worth saying it should have been?

Maybe I'm reading too much into his choice of words, but I also think he's not reading enough into his own shit. Wolverine and Jean stated outright that it couldn't work between them on more than one occasion. It wasn't because shit was between them. It was because the feelings were one-sided. Wolverine loved her way more than she could love him back. That's why she stayed with Cyclops. That's why they never did anything other than kiss.

He also doesn't seem to understand the very history of this relationship. It wasn't done because the two had chemistry. The only reason Chris Claremont wanted to hook Wolverine up with Jean was because he was pissed about Cyclops leaving Madelyn under Louise Simonson's X-Factor run. That's it. He preferred Jean with Wolverine simply because he wasn't Cyclops. I'm sorry, but that's a fucking stupid premise for a real relationship. I hope Rick Remender knows that because it kind of matters if he's writing this series. If he makes this relationship out to be more than it is, then it looks like he's not reading his own comics.

But I digress. Uncanny X-Force is still an awesome series and I hope Remender's skewed perspective of the Jean/Wolverine relationship doesn't skew the Dark Angel Saga. For now, it's been very nicely done. I hope it stays that way because this series is too awesome to be brought down by some bullshit misconceptions about a relationship that stopped being interesting back in 1991 and was forever tainted by X3. So Mr. Remender, if you're reading this, keep up the great work! I'm your biggest drunken fan and I shall continue to sacrifice goats and my neighbors cats to appease the comic gods in your name! Nuff said.

X-men #15.1 - A Fraction of Awesome

I must have taken a bad hit of acid because for some reason, there are still some .1 issues coming out from Marvel. Seriously, I thought Marvel was done with this shit. I took the time to review Uncanny X-men #534.1 and it was a solid piece of work, if for no other reason because Namor likened his bedroom skills with women to earthquakes (so does Charlie Sheen, but nobody takes him seriously). But aside from that issue, the .1 issues have been a real snoozer. They've been nothing more than one-shot issues that don't really catch readers up on what's going on in the books or set the stage for any larger events. They're basically just a reminder that some of us suck at math and have to rely on blackmailing calculus teachers to get a passing grade.

So when I found out that adjectiveless X-men was releasing a .1 issue, I was left scratching my head. I'm fresh off a runners high with X-men after Chris Yost's X-men First To Last story. That was a story that was awesome in two different time periods without the use of a flux capacitor. Take that Doc Brown! The idea that a .1 issue could follow up a story like that is on par with Michele Bachmann winning the Iowa caucus. Okay, bad example, but you get what I mean. That's not to say I go in expecting it to be awful, but Chris Yost raised the bar into the fucking exosphere. It's really not reasonable to expect a .1 issue to get within pissing distance of that level, but I still gave it a shot. I mean why the fuck not? It's X-men. Short of dipping it in moose piss, I'll give it a look.

This .1 issue starts off as many of the .1 issues do. It pulls a random moment out of the massive ass of the Marvel continuity, offering no hints as to when it takes place in relation to other events, and tells a story. In a ways that's a good thing because it means you don't need to earn a PHD just to catch up with what's been going on. You just need to know who Cyclops, Wolverine, and the X-men are. Well even with this issue, that may not help because the main focus is Danielle Moonstar. New Mutant fans should know who she is. She's been part of that book since the Reagan years, but she gets as much visibility as any Native American in the United States (translation, between some and precisely dick). So for once, Marvel is shining the spotlight on an underused character. For that, they deserve a pat on the back and a few ticks on their state sanctioned diversity card.

The setting is as morbid as you would expect for a Native American. There's an old Native American woman named Awanata that seemed to take one too many hits of peyote and was showing the kind of signs that you won't see outside the Exorcist. Now it's not entirely clear what's going on, but it is clear that she's become such a danger that Dani says they have to encase the woman in a brick tomb. The sad part is that it's still a nicer burial than most Native Americans get these days.

Dani isn't alone in this grim endeavor that may require a fresh prescription of Prozac. Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, and Pixie are with her. They're assisting Dani in dealing with this touchy issue of burying an old woman alive. She's about as thrilled about it as you would expect, but not nearly as thrilled as the woman's husband, who looks like one of those old spokesman for cigarette billboards. Now I'm not going to go on some tirade about how husbands burying their wives alive says a lot about how fucked up gender relations are. That would be too easy and I know the feminazis of the world would say I don't go far enough. So I'll just skip it and point out that the old man isn't a complete dick. He does this with a heavy heart and the woman requested that she be buried alive like this so no, it's not that excuse you hear drunken rednecks who like to beat their wives use. The guy has a way to justify it.

The story is pretty standard. Way back before Native American's got fucked out of what was left of their land, a hoard of demons attacked their down. Now they don't explain where the fuck the demons came from. For all we know they were the disembodied souls that would later inhabit Oakland Raiders fans and like teenagers armed with baseball bats and firecrackers, they decided to be assholes. Since nobody was powerful enough to stop them, the woman did the most logical thing this side of Deadpool's left hemisphere. She used a spell to swallow the demons and contain them inside her. If nothing else, she made a case for being the future star of the movie Deep Throat.

Now the old woman is about to get gang banged by Father Time, thus releasing all those angry demons. Now this is not the X-men's expertise even though Dani has a history with this shit, they've got nothing but a spell-book and Pixie's less than refined familiarity with the mystic arts. In other words, they need help. That help arrives on a bitching motorcycle with a flaming skull and a leather jacket that cool enough to freeze the universe and heat up the world's panty supplies. What I mean to say is Ghost Rider shows up. It's X-men. They do crossover shit with these books so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, but fuck me in the neck if it isn't badass.

For those of you who don't know, Marvel just released a new Ghost Rider #1 so there's no need to catch up on his insanely complicated history. He's a flaming skull, motorcycle riding, supernatural demon hunter who likes to cleanse sin in a way that the Westboro Baptist Church would blow up and orphanage for. Hence, he's perfect for the task at hand. And wouldn't you know it? As soon as he arrives, everything goes to shit. That hastily constructed tomb? Well, it didn't hold. Apparently, bricks just don't cut it against demons. So that poor old woman couldn't handle it and she makes the kind light show that's only somewhat less spectacular than a Lady Gaga concert (but not by much).

I get that X-men is all about crossovers and using other Marvel characters and I won't say that this is random, but it's a bit too convenient. It's not like Curse of the Mutants or even that shitty Spider-Man arc where the X-men had a reason to crossover with these characters. In this they just happen to be in the right place at the right time with Ghost Rider. Not that coincidences are egregious, but in this story it has just the slight stench of bullshit. It doesn't completely disrupt the flow of the story. Any time an old lady goes nuclear, it's a sight to behold. However, the setup just feels too shallow.

Now the demons are released and like your typical Rob Zombie music video, carnage ensues. They call themselves the Atahsaia, which sounds like a sushi bar in Pittsburgh. They want vengeance. Fuck the explanation. They just turn from your typical Clint Eastwood knockoffs to a bunch of extras from an Ozzy Osbrone concert and start attacking. The X-men and Ghost Rider don't take time to make friends. They just start fighting back, blasting the shit out of their demonic colons. It's a nicely done spectacle, one that isn't overblown or underscored. If you like flashy shit or you're just high, you'll enjoy staring blandly at these pages for the next three hours or so.

Since these are demons, it's not as simple as just blowing their heads off and scrubbing the blood stains off with bleach. If demons were that easy to kill, the Vatican would be out of a job and Apple would have an app for it. So Pixie is still clinging to that spell book the old man gave her earlier. And Ghost Rider, not content with just looking badass, rides up to Dani and tells her to get on. Now I know Ghost Rider is familiar with demons and has experience stopping them, but by and large when a guy in a leather jacket on a motorcycle asks you to get on a bike you either make sure your ass is nice and loose or you run away screaming at the top of your lungs. But this is X-men so Dani gets on. Way to send a good message to kids, Marvel!

Ignoring the horrible message about trusting strangers on motorcycles, Dani follows Ghost Rider as he uses those demon-killing rider skills of his to open a pit to Hell. And by Hell I don't mean the 405 Freeway at rush hour or Tijuana prison. I mean the actual Hell. Marvel is pandering to the evangelical crowd now and hopefully in a way that Glenn Beck won't bitch about. Now it's not clear why the hell Dani needed to go with him. Did he just want to have a pretty teenage girl with him while he made a pit stop in Hell? Is that the demon equivalent of being a douche? Even if it is, it takes good old Sesame Street style teamwork to corral the demons in the hell pit. Ghost Rider does the rest, leading them in while Dani just looks pretty and probably gives them the finger while she's at it. It's a simple yet reasonable way to fight off a demon infestation.

Once they're in the pit, Pixie puts that spell book to good use and seals up the hell hole. Once again, the visuals here are great. It's not underdone or overwhelming. But at the same time you don't hear the demons whining or moaning like most evil spirits tend to do. They also don't vow revenge or reveal why the fuck they were so intent on attacking the town in the first place. That seems like a big ass plot hole, but it doesn't matter a great deal because they just get defeated in the end. Still, it would be nice to know why they deserved to go back to hell. Them just being demons works for Pat Robertson, but not your typical comic book reader.

Furthermore, there's still no fucking clue as to why Dani had to tag along with Ghost Rider. What was he role in this aside from just dragging the X-men out into the middle of bumfuck nowhere to fight demons? This is billed as her story and she really doesn't do dick in it. A few extra details would be nice even though it plays out fairly smoothly, if not too smoothly.

At this point I'm ready to dock major points from the book for being so damn incomplete. Seriously, why did the demons attack? What the hell was their motivation? Is Marvel just going to leave that plot hanging? I wouldn't put it past them if they did, but wax my chest and call me Jim Morrison they did offer an explanation. Remember that sweet old guy who was so sympathetic? Well it turns out he was the one that summoned those demons. He did it for a dick reason as well. He wanted to send those to another tribe, but they just said 'fuck it' and attacked his. So in the end it was just some schmuck's competence. Fair enough, but then Ghost Rider says his punishment is to rebuild his town. Okay...that's about as badass as betting on the dealer in a game of black jack. It leaves Dani visibly upset and somewhat betrayed, but there's really not much they can do about it. The comic ends with the old man looking like an asshole and the X-men leaving behind a decimated town. Believe it or not, it's less shitty than it sounds.

I wanted to like this comic. I really did. It wasn't bad. It wasn't even mediocre. It's a decent X-men comic all around that does a good job of crossing over with Ghost Rider. It's entertaining and even heartfelt at times. I'm even glad that a character like Danielle Moonstar got a chance to strut her stuff. She didn't even have to sleep with Cyclops or get a boob job like Emma Frost to do so. But the story just wasn't that deep and there wasn't a whole lot of heart. The writing and the plot came off as bland, offering no ties to other ongoing X-men stories and offering little development for any of the characters. Danielle isn't that different even though she's the star. You would never know this shit happened to her if you picked up an issue of New Mutants. It's just a self-contained story that really doesn't give readers too many reasons to keep reading.

After X-men First to Last, it's a hell of a downgrade but that was to be expected. This issue does succeed in some areas. It follows the formula of this new adjectiveless X-men series, which is to tell stories that have the X-men interacting with the greater Marvel universe. In this case, it was Ghost Rider and for the most part it worked. This was the kind of plot where Ghost Rider definitely added to the story. He just didn't add enough to make it genuinely awesome. There was no lasting impact by the end. There wasn't much background given for Ghost Rider so you have no idea where the hell he's coming from. At least with Blade and Spider-Man, they had a reason to cross paths with the X-men. This story just made it seem too coincidental. The action was still solid and the dialog and characterization was spot on, but it wasn't done to the point where you're wiping the drool off the side of your face while trying to put your eyes back in your head.

X-men #15.1 isn't the worst .1 issue that Marvel has come out with. It's not the best either, but it's definitely above average. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been more boring and unnecessary that it ended up being. It may just be the lingering awesome left from First to Last, but X-men #15.1 deserves a decent mention in the annuls of X-men. It's a story that's easy to forget, but it's still entertaining to read. I give this issue a 3 out of 5. I'm still not completely jaded on the adjectiveless X-men series. I know I've given some pretty fucked up reviews for some of the issues, but I'm ready and waiting for the series to unfuck itself. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #253 - From Awesome To Awesome

There was a time when X-men Legacy was the most consistently awesome X-book on the racks. I don't mean to sound nostalgic because I'm not. That was also a time where the other X-books were more underwhelming than a motivational speech by Ben Stein. Since then, the books have been more turnover than the Oakland Raiders's coaching staff, but the one consistent contributor has been Mike Carey. He's like the Al Davis of X-men comics, minus the senility.

Now for a while X-men Legacy was also overshadowed by books like Uncanny X-Force and Fear Itself. Well after the Age of X event, X-men Legacy is squeezing it's way back into my heart. It's needed a fuck-ton of anal lube, but it's getting there! I was somewhat reluctant after the issue where Magneto and Rogue swapped spit after visiting a holocaust museum. But the issues that followed relaxed my bowels and now I'm eagerly receiving X-men Legacy into my being like George Michaels in a cavity search.

This story has been a solid progression from the end of Age of X to another conflict involving Legion's many stray personalities. It started with another one of Dr. Nemesis's gizmos fucking up. It turned into a search-and-destroy mission to obtain and reabsorb Legion's personalities. It's led to regular people strapping bombs to their chest, souls being stolen, and Frenzy making a little girl cry. It's also the first major X-men mission that Frenzy has taken part in. After experiencing the power of being an X-man (that power also including Cyclops's penis), she's taken on a new look and she's making it work for her in as badass a way as Mike Carey can muster. She's brought some much needed grit to the team and it's made for some great moments. It led the team to take on one of Legion's most dangerous personalities, Styx. Aside from being a shitty rock band in the 70s, it's also a disembodied demonic personality intent on controlling the souls of the world. In other words, he's a slightly less insane Pat Robertson.

X-men Legacy #253 begins with Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit facing another one of Legion's personalities that Styx threw at them like a pissed off Charlie Sheen at a crack den. This personality is part Juggernaut and part Terminator. He's all muscle, no brain, and a shit ton of firepower. Again, not unlike the Oakland Raiders. And Magneto, Frenzy, and Gambit are stuck fighting this thing because Legion had to go off and confront Styx himself. By confront I mean he was a total pussy and let Styx absorb him. So he's essentially fucked himself, the X-men, and the world. Way to go Legion! I think that sends a powerful message that schizophrenics should never go off their meds.

So Legion confronts Styx. At the end of the last issue, Styx revealed that he took control of Professor Xavier. It turns into a simple hostage situation. Either Legion becomes a psychic prison bitch or dear old daddy gets shanked in a way that no proctologist will ever be able to treat. Legion, being sane enough not to be a massive dick cheese, agrees and lets Styx take over. He doesn't offer much resistance either. Keep in mind, this is a guy who took over every soul in Paris. Granted, you could probably do that by spiking the wine supplies, but it still makes a valid point. He's powerful, he's greedy, and he wants to be the alpha dog in Legion's mind.

While Legion is getting accustomed to his new role as bitch, the rest of the X-men are stuck fighting Mr. Juggernaut rip-off. He actually proves to be more resourceful than Juggernaut. He first appeared as rejected Iron Man suit. Well when you've got a guy like Magneto trying to kill you, that's pretty fucking stupid. That's like putting a target on your ass and facing a militant homosexual with a dildo tipped rocket launcher. So Mr. Iron Man rip-off does a cheap shot and shifts his form to look more like a rock. He actually looks like a walking hunk of shit, but at least that means he can kick Magneto's ass and make quick work of Frenzy and Gambit.

Then something unexpected happens. It's a twist that Mike Carey never hinted at or built up to, but it's a twist so startling that if you've smoked too much weed before reading this comic then you'll start to think the CIA is tapping into your brain again. What happens is Legion shows up. No, he didn't escape from Styx. Styx is too busy enjoying himself as the new alpha male in Legion's schizophrenic personality. So what the fuck happened?

This is where it pays to follow Carey's books from start to finish because he does pay attention to the little details. Remember earlier in the arc when the X-men faced a personality that was basically a Multiple rip-off? Well keep in mind, Legion reabsorbed that personality. You know what that means? He has that power. So that guy Styx is about to make his personal blow-up doll doesn't deliver the impact he thought (not as big a prison rape joke as you think) he finds out that the Legion he thought he was draining is a dup. Okay, so being a fragment of a personality doesn't make you smart. But this shit is sneaky enough to catch the readers off guard so it's pretty damn brilliant.

Not only does Styx find out that now he's become the bitch, he's also not in a position to help Mr. Juggernaut ripoff. Now that Legion is in the battle, he can take advantage of the WTF effect and land a finishing blow. It's a nice moment because to this point, the rest of the X-men were getting their asses kicked in ways only the 2007 Detroit Lions could understand. Legion provides the extra firepower to take him down. Plus, he's still the dominant personality so he can absorb his ass as well (NOT a prison rape joke this time). It should come as a hell of a relief to the others, but they're just as surprised as the reader. How the fuck did he pull off a double take when his personalities are so unbalanced that every time he makes a phone call the caller ID explodes?

Well the answer to that is as simple as it is awesome. Rogue. That's right! The same Rogue that got caught in the blast of a suicide bomber in the previous issue. She doesn't just look pretty, act sassy, and occasionally swap spit with guys like Magneto and Gambit. She's actually pretty damn powerful because she can absorb powers. That includes Legion. So when Styx demanded that Legion confront him, he got what he asked for. But he never said he wanted the real Legion. Granted, that's like saying "I didn't say Simon Says!" but it works!

Now there is somewhat of a problem with this, albeit a minor one. We don't exactly know how the hell Rogue went from hospital bed to kicking Styx's ass. There is a slight attempt at an explanation, but it's not that clear. That or I'm just too drunk to make sense of it. There's no question that Rogue is tough, but she was in a fucking bomb blast. How the hell did she heal herself that fast and swap places with Legion so that nobody including the reader found out? It's a mystery that would take Sherlock Holmes on LSD to figure out, but given Legion's power and Rogue's flexibility in using them it's not completely impossible or utterly contrived. So I can't make too big a deal about it. Not when it works so damn well.

Whatever lingering scars she had from the blast, Rogue brushes off like dandruff on her shoulder. She proceeds to drain Styx and weaken his disembodied ass so that Legion can reabsorb him. In the process this releases Styx's hold on most of Paris and Professor Xavier. This could have been a clean way to end the arc, but Mike Carey doesn't like to do shit halfway it seems. While Legion is absorbing Styx, he ends up absorbing Rogue as well. That's a hell of a problem. Rogue of all people doesn't deserve to get locked away in the fucked up tapestry of Legion's psyche. She's better than that and she's too hot. So Professor Xavier does what he does and rushes to her aid.

Using that bald headed noggin of his, Professor Xavier enters Legion's mind and sifts through those fucked up personalities to find Rogue. Along the ways he passes some that the X-men have already faced. It's a nice refresher course over what they've gone up against in this arc. But when he finds Rogue, he finds that she's gotten somewhat comfortable in Legion's personality. Keep in mind, Legion packs a fuck ton of power and Rogue is like reservoir for power. So like Charlie Sheen in a Colombian crack house, she just can't help herself. She absorbs the kind of power that Vladimir Putin only pretends to have. Mike Carey has made no secret of his love for Rogue in the past so it's not too surprising that she powers her up a bit.

They leave Legion's mind and Rogue takes the power with her. When she's back in the non-schizophrenic world, everything seems back to normal. Legion is spent, looking like a guy who just went out partying with Keith Richards. Xavier tends to his son in a way that makes him somewhat less a douche-bag than he's been over the past half-decade or so. But Rogue isn't finished. She says that she has a nice dose of Legion's powers and she can use them to keep a certain promise she made earlier in the arc. What promise is it? Well it involves a woman with red hair, green eyes, and a fiery disposition. And no, it's not Jean Grey. It's NEVER fucking Jean Grey. That just wouldn't be Marvel.

Instead, it's Rachel. That's right, Rachel fucking Grey came back in the form of Revenant during Age of X. She reached out to the X-men and let them know she was kind of in a shitty predicament with Havok and Polaris. And not shitty as in stuck in traffic on the 405 during rush-hour. It's shitty in the sense that they're being held prisoner by a bunch of pissed of Shi'ar. Rogue promised to find her and now she has Legion's power so she can do that. So she says goodbye to the Professor and without even giving Gambit, Frenzy, and Magneto a chance to rest she teleports them across the cosmos. When she arrives, she discovers an unconscious Rachel and a bunch of pissed off and heavily armed Shi'ar. Thus ends the single greatest transition Marvel has written since Reagan was president.

Mike Carey must be an impatient man because he pretty much skipped the whole resolution where the X-men sat around, caught their breath, and got drunk as is every superheroes right after a victory. Instead, he took the end of Legion's battle and took it right to the next story, which brings Rachel, Havok, and Polaris out of their three-year exile. It's abrupt, but I won't call it random because it just fucking works. Rogue gets a taste of Legion's vast array of powers and one just happens to be useful in finding their lost friends. It would have been a dick move if she didn't use it to their advantage. And what happens as soon as she arrives? The Shi'ar pull a gun on her and prepare to go Ted Nugant on her ass. You couldn't ask for a better transition if Mike Carey punched the reader out so they woke up on the exact day the next issue came out.

The end was very sweet and it complimented a solid end to the arc. One of Mike Carey's greatest strengths is his ability to characterize the X-men and make coherent stories with them. This arc flowed so perfectly from beginning to end. It was like poetry with explosions, twists, and boobs. The twist with Legion pulling a double take with Styx was very satisfying. The only issue I could really take with this book is how Rogue was able to go from hospital bed to the front lines without anybody noticing. Mike Carey wasn't too clear on those details, but given all the power Rogue packs it's not so outlandish that it feels too contrived. Still, some added details would have been nice.

Overall, this arc made me care more about Legion and Frenzy than I ever gave half a bag of shit about before. Mike Carey is one of those rare writers who can take a character that very few people who don't brows wikipedia during their down time at work and make them awesome. It has made for a very satisfying ending to a story that flowed perfectly from Age of X. For this, I am willing to put X-men Legacy right up there with Uncanny X-Force, Uncanny X-men, and X-23 as the SEAL Team 6 of X-men comics. As such, I give X-men Legacy #253 a 5 out of 5. This comic couldn't have been more complete without it being wrapped in bacon and dipped in chocolate. Nuff said!