Wolverine and the X-men #1 PREVIEW - More Phoenix Please

When it comes to magic spells, the closet real-world equivalent is Photoshop or the undo button on a computer. I admit I feel a little like Doctor Strange when I fuck something up that I’m working on and the simple click of a button undoes that mistake as though it never happened. If only that worked as well for parking tickets. But whenever magic is used to fix something in a comic, that’s usually a sign that nobody can come up with a better idea on how to resolve a story or somebody ran out of acid. It’s basically a cop-out. It’s part of what made the ending to Avengers vs. X-men so shitty. This whole “No More Phoenix” bullshit might as well have been “We’re sick of the Phoenix. Just go away for a while.” Well as we already saw in X-men Battle of the Atom, that while has passed.

The combined magic of the Scarlett Witch and Hope fucking Summers proved to be about as potent as watered down light beer. In the future, the Phoenix Force isn’t just back. It has set up shop with Kid Omega of all people. It helped him take on Xorna/Jean in Battle of the Atom. Granted, he got his ass kicked and the Phoenix Force still showed that it had an affinity for pretty redheads, but it did give him a fighting chance. We saw him again at the end of Wolverine and the X-men #42, which showed that the Phoenix Force didn’t make him less a douche. Even cosmic power has its limits. Bet we never got an explanation or a hint of the ramifications for giving a douche-bag like Kid Omega the Phoenix Force. Like pumping Mike Tyson with crystal meth in a room of Don King clones, nothing good can come of it.

Now Wolverine and the X-men is getting relaunched. It will focus some of the same characters while bringing in new ones. It also promises to deal with new threats and maybe even answer some of the questions left by X-men Battle of the Atom. But that might be asking for too much. That said, Newsarama released a preview of Wolverine and the X-men #1 and maybe we will get some of those answers. They may be bullshit answers. But unlike my old gym teacher, I do give points for trying and I don’t throw deflated basketballs at fat kids for motivation.

Newsarama: Wolverine and the X-men #1 Preview

WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN #1
Jason Latour (W) • Mahmud Asrar (A/C)
VARIANT COVER BY MARK BROOKS
ANIMAL VARIANT BY Jenny Parks
WELCOME TO THE JEAN GREY SCHOOL OF HIGHER LEARNING! The ALL NEW MARVEL NOW smash hit series schools with Jason Latour (WINTER SOLDIER) and Mahmud Asrar (X-MEN) leading the charge with drama, action and homework(?)! World-famous X-Men Wolverine, Storm, and a star-studded faculty must educate the next generation all-powerful, but inexperienced mutants! But with their own lives steeped in deadly enemies and personal crises, how can the X-Men guide and educate—let alone defend—the school? At the Jean Grey School, you never know who will enroll…or who will lead the class! And what mysterious organization waits in the shadows to destroy Wolverine’s mutant sanctuary? These questions and more are answered in the All-New Marvel Now sure-to-be-smash, WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN #1!

Before I touch on anything Phoenix related, I think one point needs to be made. Idie grows up into a total babe. I need to say that for the record. But with respect to Kid Omega, he gives the impression that he’s trying to be responsible with the Phoenix Force. That or having cosmic powered has made him bored of being a douche-bag. I’m not sure which it is. His future self hasn’t shown much charisma outside flaunting his Phoenix powers. But if X-men Battle of the Atom applies at all, then the Phoenix still has a connection to Jean Grey. And Kid Omega’s hold on it is more tenuous than the Congress’s approval rating.

It’s also not entirely clear who is the asshole in this preview. Is Kid Omega trying to stop Apocalypse or is it the other way around? Does Genesis grow up into being an apocalyptic douche-bag or does Kid Omega grow up to be Dark Phoenix? It’s left vague and the guy who has his dogs shit on my yard, it’s probably intentional. So I guess this means any “No More Phoenix” shit can be effectively thrown out and Avengers vs. X-men can be increasingly marginalized. And I’m perfectly okay with both. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #35

I don’t care how many brain cells I kill with weed and Loony Toons reruns. Every time I read a comic book, a beautifully chaotic clusterfuck erupts in my brain. Sometimes it’s like an orgy of supermodels in a pool of chocolate. Other times it’s like having a million coat-hangers disemboweling an entire population of puppies. And for reasons known only to my therapist and my weed dealer, I turn that clusterfuck into a review. What follows is a review of Wolverine and the X-men #35. If anyone has a problem with clusterfucks, now might be a good time to go back to watching the Disney Channel.

Wolverine and the X-men #35 begins in the same way most bar fights begin when they take place after two in the morning, meaning there’s no real build-up or spark that triggers it. The X-men and the forces of the Hellfire Academy just start fighting as if their favorite football team just lost the Superbowl. Wolverine leads the charge while some of the Hellions try to show that they’ve become competent sociopaths. I imagine this would count as extra credit by Hellfire standards, but extra credit doesn’t mean shit if it’s still an F. To be fair, the X-men came armed with a much better army of living islands so the Hellions shouldn’t be too sad. I’m sure Mystique would just castrate them partially.

It’s a classic X-men brawl that just happens to involve demonic forces and giant mutant islands. It has the charming appeal of an extreme game show, like American Gladiators if everyone was given infinite amounts of crystal meth and LSD. It’s also classic in the sense that Toad is getting his ass kicked. Hell, he’s been getting his ass kicked since the 60s, but this time he’s getting beat up by Paige, a woman he’s in love with. Only Toad could make that seem as though it isn’t an extra kick in the balls. He has been desperately trying to get her to snap the fuck out of it while getting more fucked up than Rocky Balboa after six rounds with Clubber Lane. Yet like Rocky in the final round, he succeeds. It’s not clear how he does so. It looks like he just had to rip off whatever fucked up face the Hellfire Academy gave her and now she doesn’t remember a damn thing. It’s like blacking out, minus the hangover. So I guess Paige should consider herself lucky.

Kade Kilgore is the last person who deserves to be that lucky. He’s still only the second most ridiculous concept Marvel has introduced since Hope fucking Summers. Yet in the last issue, it looked like his luck had run out when his own fellow Hellfire Club buddies turned their guns on him. It looked like this juvenile punk was going to get what he deserved, but I guess Marvel isn’t quite bold enough to shoot a kid in the back, even if he’s a prepubescent sociopath. Kade once again makes his own luck, activating some bullshit protocols that nullify their weapon. Yes, he’s still an annoying little shit, but I can’t accuse him of not being prepared.

He’s still the lucky one because the rest of the Hellfire Academy is failing faster than the Syrian government. They’re being overpowered by giant mutant islands and a bunch of angry X-men. With that kind of firepower, Kid Omega and Idie shouldn’t have that much to contribute. However, they were the ones that set the stage for this conflict. It’s only fitting that they fight together to rub sulfuric acid in the wound that the rest of the X-men are inflicting. However, it just wouldn’t be Wolverine and the X-men if a few new details weren’t added to fuck things up even more.

I’m sober enough to remember how pissed I was when Marvel just randomly hooked up O5 Beast and O5 Jean Grey in the pages of All New X-men. They showed little interest in one another and when they were thrown together in the span of an issue, it was more confusing and infuriating than Johnny Depp’s last three movies. Now in the midst of this epic battle, Kid Omega and Idie find some time to swap a little spit and establish a brand new relationship for X-men fans to write smut fanfiction about. I looked at this the same way I look at midget porn. It’s strange and a little disturbing, yet I can’t look away. However, it’s not quite as disgusting as what was done with Jean and Beast. Maybe it’s because I think Kid Omega is a cocky little shit who is a few bad days from being like Kade, but I needed a few extra shots of whiskey after seeing this.

Having a pretty new girlfriend is usually a great confidence-builder, but confidence doesn’t go very far with assholes like Kade. After making quick work of his fellow Hellfire buddies, he gets Philistine, one of his mystical staff members, to put up some magical barrier. It’s a dick move on par with hiding behind a wall of baby kittens, but that’s the kind of shit that puts hair on Kade’s balls. It effectively traps Idie, Kid Omega, Toad, and Paige so the X-men can’t rescue them. It also turns this already epic battle into a hostage situation. He’s basically taking a page right out of the Die Hard movies. If shit starts to go wrong, take a hostage and hope John McClane runs out of bullets. It’s more effective than it sounds. He throws in a few more elaborate traps he built into the school for good measure because unlike Die Hard villains, Kade isn’t a cheap bastard.

At this point, pretty much everyone in the Hellfire Academy realizes Kade gives less than a nanoliter of batshit about them and they start bailing on him. And since the X-men are now distracted by a fresh hostage situation, that allows many to escape. This includes Mystique and Sabretooth, who somehow hijacked a boat that they probably had sex on more than once. They ride by and pick up the unlucky students, who should probably now consider themselves expelled. Starblood also decides it’s time to cut his losses and steals a spaceship while taking Broo with him. So Mystique and Sabretooth stole a boat. Starblood stole a spaceship. I think it’s clear which one has more expensive tastes. It’s hard to really give a shit about either at this point, but at the very least it ensures that some of them will turn up again. And since Mystique is amongst that crowd, that’s great news for my penis.

This leaves Kade Kilgore on his own. But seriously, who the fuck has any sympathy for this kid at this point that isn’t Jerry Sandusky? He may have a magical slave on his hand and a bunch of trapped students, but he’s also surrounded by X-men on an island. The odds are not in his favor in the same way the odds a comeback are not in Ryan Leaf’s favor. There’s never really any doubt that Kade is going to get his ass kicked and probably thrown into a prison cell next to Sandusky. Nobody would feel bad for him in the slightest.

However, that’s not what screws him over. Before he can make his escape, the prepubescent White Queen, Wilhelmina, does something that would make Emma Frost proud and betrays her Black Queen. She doesn’t just stab him in the back both literally and figuratively. She convinces Philistine to escape with her, leaving Kade behind. Now I’m not sure what a girl her age could do to convince Philistine to obey her, but I’m pretty sure it would get him his own special on To Catch a Predator.

Kade’s whole world is going to shit along with the rest of the Hellfire Academy. It goes so horribly wrong that Kade actually asks for a hug. It shows he’s still a kid, albeit a sociopath. But then Kid Omega punches him instead, which shows that he’s still a douche. So I guess it’s as fitting an end to the battle as anyone could hope for. And for good measure, Philistine is instructed to blow the whole damn island up because when a pretty little girl gives an order, creepy men obey it. Will there ever be a conflict in X-men where the villains don’t have a backup plan that involves blowing the place up? I doubt it. It comes off as bland, but I guess that’s to be expected from a bunch of inexperienced sociopaths.

But Kade isn’t completely without allies. While he and his associates wait to either blow the fuck up or get fucked up by the X-men, Dog Logan gives me yet another reason to hate his guts and escapes with Kade. How he does so is pretty fucked. He just grabs him and jumps through the Philistine’s mirror. This seems cheap because why the fuck would that thing still be intact? It’s one of those details that makes too little sense, even in a story about homicidal kids running their own school. While I may tolerate some pretty crazy shit and intoxicating substances, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. It also means Dog and Kade are still alive after this arc, which is disappointing. Naturally, all the X-men escape with help from the bamfs. But it isn’t as satisfying as it should have been. It’s like only half a line of blow. It just doesn’t get the job done.

There are still some loose ends to tie up and thankfully, they aren’t glossed over as they so often are in certain comics. And yes, I’m referring to Avengers vs. X-men again. Broo, who kickstarted this conflict when he got himself shot in the head, finally snaps out of his bloodlust and hijacks Starblood’s ship. He even crashes it for him so he can meet up with the rest of the X-men. So he’s now perfectly healthy, but the girl he had a crush on is now with a raging douche like Kid Omega. I smell another teen movie starring Hillary Duff!

And in spite of his stated intent to close the Jean Grey Institute a few issues ago, Wolverine unsurprisingly has a change of heart. I doubt anyone really thought he would go through with it, but this is one other issue that was glossed over. It could have made for some nice drama where Wolverine and the Jean Grey Institute staff contemplate whether they’re actually doing right by these students. Instead, it’s just shrugged off as if it were bar tab for Donald Trump. It’s another disappointing moment. It’s even more disappointing that they allow the two other Hellfire Club brats that didn’t escape with Kade to join the school. That’s like inviting an on-duty cop to a cocaine orgy. It’s fucking stupid and nothing good can possibly come of it.

While the action in this issue was pretty awesome, the resolution is a bit weak. However, it does have one special bonus that makes it worth its weight in candied bacon. As some who follow Jason Aaron on Twitter already know, Nightcrawler is scheduled to return to the land of the living soon. Once again, the revolving door that is death in comics is giving back another beloved character. And at the conclusion of this arc, a cloaked figure meets up with the bamfs that have been helping out in the Jean Grey Institute since the beginning. The identity of that cloaked figure is about as mysterious as Ricky Martin’s sexuality, but it’s still an awesome way to cap off an event. I’ve missed Nightcrawler and after enduring stories with Dog Logan and the Hellfire brats, I’m ready for him to return.

I guess I was hoping for too much when I wanted to see this story end with the Hellfire Brats being thrown into a meat grinder and turned into hot dogs for the next Oakland Raiders game. The Hellfire Saga may be over, but the Marvel universe is still stuck with the Hellfire Brats. While that may be disappointing, the ending itself was sufficiently satisfying. I won’t say it was as a lap dance from Jessica Alba, but it is definitely one of the most enjoyable arcs to date in the pages of Wolverine and the X-men. I give Wolverine and the X-men #35 a 7 out of 10. The distinct mix of serious conflict and cartoonish insanity give this series a perfect blend of Breaking Bad and the Simpsons. It has heart, deviant youths, and wannabe criminal masterminds. It couldn’t be more fun without taking place in pool of shaved cats. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #34

Give a man a comic book and a beer and he's happy for a good half-hour. Give that same man more beer and a blog, and you give him more reasons to drink and more reasons to read comics. It's the perfect cycle of addiction. Some may think that booze and comics go together like lizards and socks, but I say fuck those people for having so little imagination. I know you people don't just come to this blog to see a calm, insightful assessment of a comic. You come to see a raving drunk review a comic with words that you wouldn't use outside your brother’s bachelor party. I'm here to review Wolverine and the X-men #34 and I'm not going to be polite about it. So if you're easily offended or work for the FCC, you might want to pack up your purse, put a tampon up your ass, and go somewhere else. I hear North Korea is nice this time of year.

That said, what kind of comic offends people who are against giant mutant islands and a giant ice Voltron attacking the Hellfire Academy? The awesome kind, that’s for sure. Kade Kilgore, the prepubescent Black King of the Hellfire Club who probably doesn’t have any hair on his scrotum yet, got pwned big time in the previous issue. Like many aspiring young boys, he learns to think with his penis and he offered Idie a chance to be his Black Queen. She ended up fucking him over, leaving him pwned and unconscious. And when he woke up, the X-men were attacking the Hellfire Academy with said giant island and ice Voltron. Not one to take pwnage like your typical internet troll, Kade and his fellow Hellfire Club brats fight back with an army of island sized mutants of their own. Because apparently these things are easier to get in the Marvel universe as an overpriced pair of shoes on QVC.

The battle that follows is every bit as epic as it sounds. Even with all the LSD in Amsterdam, I could not have come up with a more awesome way for the X-men to attack the Hellfire brats. It’s not like the final battle at the gates of Mordor in Lord of the Rings. It’s more like Power Rangers meets Wrestlemania. It sounds like it should be a serious battle that has readers more nervous than an unneutered dog at Bob Barker’s house. Instead, it’s more fun than skinny dipping at the Playboy Mansion.

It’s part of the unique style of Wolverine and the X-men. It’s not a book that gets overly serious. This is best shown when Iceman, who is piloting the giant ice Voltron, is tempted by Kitty Pryde to cop a feel if he fights harder. Only in Wolverine and the X-men could a battle against the Hellfire Club involve a guy’s girlfriend using her breasts as a means of inspiring the team to fight harder. Some might be offended. Some might get teary-eyed at Jason Aaron’s commitment to including breasts in this saga. He even throws in a fastball special with Wolverine because like boobs, there’s just no substitute for the most classic kinds of awesome.

Kade and the rest of the Hellfire Brats watch this epic battle unfold and they watch as it quickly turns against them. The X-men are pissed. The past few issues have done a nice job of showing how frustrated the team has gotten with the Hellfire Club. They didn’t just take two of their students. They managed to effectively hide from the X-men and basically undermine everything they were trying to teach a new generation of young mutants. They couldn’t have pissed them off if they dug up Charles Xavier’s body and ripped his brain out. I’m sure they would have done that if the Red Skull hadn’t beaten them to the punch. Because of this, the X-men are fighting a lot harder and the Hellfire Club is losing.

Seeing this, Kade’s fellow brats want to pull back. They can sense that this is a losing battle and a waste of time. But Kade, his underdeveloped balls probably still hurting from what Idie did to him in the previous issue, refuses to retreat. He wants to keep fighting because he can’t leave this battle with the knowledge that he got pwned by a girl in a sexy Black Queen outfit. His dick would never forgive him. But his dick once again fucks him over because by staying, he gives enough time for Broo to catch up with him and maul him. I normally don’t endorse mauling kids that aren’t insane Justin Bieber fans, but I gladly make an exception for the Hellfire brats. There have been many satisfying moments in this arc, but this one put a smile on my face I normally don’t have outside a strip club.

In addition to the battle unfolding outside, there’s yet another awesome battle unfolding within the halls of the Hellfire Academy. Idie and Kid Omega, who have been following their raging teenage hormones to all sorts of trouble since this arc began, are battling their fellow students for survival. It’s not quite as epic as seeing two island-sized mutants battle, but it still carries plenty of weight because all this started when Kid Omega went after Idie when she defected. Now he’s fighting alongside her while she’s wearing a Black Queen costume. I can’t speak for Kid Omega, but I’m pretty sure he would say all the crap he endured at the academy was worth it. Toad is fighting with them too, but he’s still getting his ass kicked by Husk. And like Kade, he’s penis probably hates him because it’s letting her kick his ass. But he’s Toad. He’s probably as used to losing as the Cleveland Browns.

This leaves only the Hellfire Academy’s staff as the last line of defense. Once the battle between island-sized mutants becomes sufficiently lopsided, the X-men storm the school and take on the academy’s teachers. This includes Mystique, Wendigo, Sauron, and a few other heavy hitters that may not be giant islands, but fuck if they aren’t as dangerous. The battle they wage is plenty epic, albeit somewhat condensed. The battle isn’t quite as detailed as some of the other conflicts, but with so many epic struggles in this issue that’s entirely forgivable. I don’t ask a sushi chef to juggle more knives than he can handle so why should I ask writers like Jason Aaron to make every battle worthy of a Sylvester Stallone movie? Just because I’m a drunk doesn’t mean I’m unreasonable.

But no matter how epic or dramatic the battles in Wolverine and the X-men may be, there will always be time for more of the colorful, cartoonish humor that makes this series so awesome. We already got a nice taste when Kitty Pryde offered Iceman her boobs as a reward for kicking ass. This time Doop, the globular X-man who speaks a language that only Klingons could comprehend, provides the humor by taking on the female version of Mojo that the Hellfire Academy employed. Since this is a creature that jerks off to torture porn, this battle is probably giving her multiple orgasms. But Doop puts a stop to that in a way akin to your parents taping over your favorite porn and replacing it with footage of your grandmother taking a shit. It’s vulgar, it’s offensive, and it’ll probably make Glenn Beck cry. For that reason, it’s funny as hell and awesome as fuck.

It’s looking increasingly shitty for the Hellfire brats. Kade manages to fight off Broo, but he’s still more fucked up than Rocky Balboa at the end of Rocky IV. Yet he still refuses to retreat. It’s one thing to be kicked in the nuts by a pretty girl dressed in a Black Queen outfit. But being attacked by her pet on top of that is like getting a rectal exam from Andre the Giant. His fellow Hellfire brats are showing signs of no longer giving a shit about Kade’s ego. He’s not just losing the battle. He’s getting his ass kicked at every turn.

Unfortunately, Broo doesn’t stick around to finish mauling him. Rather than take another chance, he meets up with Dr. Starblood, who basically just ditches the battle entirely. He’s like the punter on the Detroit Lions. He really has no incentive. So he offers Broo a chance to join him in an escape pod and journey with him into the universe where he can maul other creatures. For a Brood, that’s like Donald Trump offering a kid a paid trip to Disney World. It’s probably not altruistic in the slightest, but it’s a fucking trip to Disney World. Why the hell wouldn’t you go? This may upset some Broo fans and I admit that he was lovable at times. But I think he has served his purpose with Wolverine and the X-men.

On every front, the Hellfire Academy is getting their asses kicked. The only ones that seemed overmatched at some point were Idie and Kid Omega. They had to attack their fellow students, some of which showed signs of reluctance. It may just be the lousy teaching style of the Hellfire Academy’s teachers, but I think it says something when they’re unable to rough up a douche-bag like Kid Omega. Yet he and Idie are able to beat them with the help of the X-men’s own personal Karoka. I won’t say it’s a very satisfying scene because I have sympathy for students stuck in a school that teaches them to be sociopaths. But it’s still yet another colorful act of pwnage that can’t be found outside Wolverine and the X-men.

Yet despite all this pwnage on every possible front, Kade Kilgor refuses to surrender. But in an act that shows Broo may have given him a serious concussion, he looks at the battle and becomes elated. He suddenly believes that he has won. He claims that this was exactly what he wanted to happen. Maybe there’s something he’s seeing that readers are too sober to notice. Or maybe he really has completely lost his shit. And it doesn’t appear that his associates agree with him. As he’s trying to twist all this pwnage into a victory, his teammates turn their guns on him. I still would prefer that he get mauled to death by Broo, but at this point I’m just enjoying the sight of the Hellfire brats getting pwned to care.

Once again, a comic book reflects how Charlie Sheen has ruined an entire generation’s concept of winning. But once again, Jason Aaron finds a way for it to be awesome as fuck. This comic has giant islands fighting each other, a giant ice Voltron, a Brood mauling a homicidal pre-pubescent kid, and Idie in a Black Queen outfit. This comic was like bacon flavored Jack Daniels in that it combined multiple awesome elements into one neat little package that anyone can get drunk off. Anyone who finds something to bitch about in this issue is either brain damaged or way too sober. Wolverine and the X-men #34 gets a 9 out of 10 and Jason Aaron gets a free lap dance if I ever meet him in a strip club. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #33

When I need to deal with the long list of issues my therapist bitches about, I grab some whiskey and a comic book and deal to my heart’s content. My liver may hate it and so does my landlord, but I’m willing to give both of them the finger for the sake of entertaining and informing the wonderful readers of this blog. What follows is my twisted coping skills combined with a full review of Wolverine and the X-men #33. It's a book that may give me nightmares about how much high school sucked before I found a good weed dealer, but it’s also a book that’s in the middle of a big arc involving the Hellfire Academy and Mystique in a sexy teacher's uniform. Read on if you've got your booze and lube ready.

While I would argue that Mystique in a sexy teacher’s uniform is the biggest appeal, seeing Kid Omega get the shit beat out of him is a close second. He spent much of the previous issue as a prisoner that served as a prime example to the other students how certain forms of douche-baggery would be rewarded and how other forms of douche-baggery would be punished. He took it in a way that would have made Rocky Balboa proud, but he’s still a douche. He still needed Toad to step in and save his miserable ass from Sauron and a version of Mojo with tits. While Toad is to X-men what Scott Norwood is to Buffalo Bills fans, he does at least show some semblance of balls. He’s still a janitor, but he’s a janitor who can kick ass. He won’t co-star in any Jason Stathem movies, but he will break Kid Omega free.

Kid Omega represents the kind of self-centered douche-baggery that the Hellfire Academy discourages. But Idie, who also ditched the Jean Grey Institute, nicely narrates the kind of douche-baggery that the Hellfire Academy fully supports. This whole issue has her narrating and it’s done in a way that is insightful and compelling.

She basically explains to the reader that the Hellfire Academy teaches them to love themselves, hate everyone else, and take anything they want if it makes them feel good. It’s basically everything that every major religion opposes. And she actually demonstrates it with her fellow classmates by killing random Hellfire guards for Kade Kilgore’s amusement. It’s a gritty scene, but one that offers a painful reminder that Idie has already killed. It was what triggered the Schism between Cyclops and Wolverine (that and them debating about which one Jean Grey would want to bone). Now she isn’t as bothered by killing. And this is a fucking 14-year-old girl. It’s hard not to feel for her and that’s the biggest strength of her story.

It’s hard to feel quite as intrigued for Toad and Kid Omega for reasons I’ve already covered. While they do manage to escape, it’s one of those things that’s easy to shrug off. If they had gotten the shit kicked out of them, I doubt many readers would lose sleep over it. After they make their escape, they go after Idie. They then run into Dog Logan along the way who does…absolutely jack shit.

I may be easily confused when I’ve smoked one too many joints and I may have as much affection for Dog Logan as I have for venomous spiders, but this was just fucked up. Dog Logan just walks away, saying they’re even now. I don’t even know what the fuck that is supposed to imply. I know Dog Logan’s introduction to the Hellfire Academy happened recently in this same series, but his story was so boring that I think I just got stoned and watched reruns of X-men Evolution. If there is an explanation, it’s not a very good one. And if Dog Logan never shows up in this series again, I doubt a single fuck would be given.

The main star of this comic is Idie. She’s the one that’s worth giving a shit about and she’s the one that is easy to grow fond of after what she has endured recently. And she has more than her share of admirers, one of them being Kade Kilgore himself. After having distinguished herself as being more than capable to horribly maim people with a pussy boner, he now invites her to do so as the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club. He even has the distinct Black Queen lingerie ready and fitted for her. Now I’m not sure if it’s more creepy that Kade Kilgore had that lingerie ready for her or that he’s a 14-year-old boy with enough money and power exercise all sorts of perverse pre-pubescent fantasies. But the whole concept of the Hellfire brats is fucked up to begin with and for that reason, it’s hard not to genuinely worry that Idie is getting in over her head.

Kid Omega and Toad are already way past that point, but unlike Idie you just can’t give as many shits about them. While Dog Logan may have let them go for no fucking reason, the rest of the Hellions aren’t quite as generous. They just got done maiming Hellfire guards for Kade Kilgore’s amusement. Their bloodlust boner is still hard and who better to take it out on then someone who was a douche-bag before he ended up at the Hellfire Academy?

To make matters worse, Paige is among them and Toad has been romantically involved with her in recent times. Well involved might be too loaded a term because it really was never thoroughly explored just what the fuck was going on between these two. Given what Toad can do with his tongue, that’s probably for the best. But if this was supposed to create any sort of emotional upheaval in the same way the Idie plot has done, it failed miserably. It basically amounts to Toad getting soft on a woman who was very pissed off at him while Kid Omega does the heavy lifting and takes a few punches to the face. So I guess it’s only partially satisfying in that respect.

This shit is happening at the same time Kade Kilgore is tempting Idie. He knows about it as well and Idie apparently takes him up on his offer. She actually puts on that ridiculously revealing Black Queen outfit that no woman would wear outside Comic Con or my masturbation fantasies. She even talks about finalizing the deal by killing Broo, who was already overprotective of her for reasons that probably had to do with Brood mating rituals. But this is where Idie finally reveals that the Hellfire Academy failed in its mission to turn her into a sociopath.

It happens when Kade Kilgore foolishly reveals that he was the one that shot Broo in the head. He’s a teenage boy. I don’t expect him to think before he talks, especially in front of a girl wearing a Black Queen outfit. This is what reveals Idie’s plan all along. She willingly joined the Hellfire Academy, embracing their concept of being a total dick along the way, just so she could find out who shot Broo. Now take for a moment to consider how she managed to maintain her cover and not be completely corrupted by the likes of Mystique, Sabretooth, Sauron, and the Hellfire Club. This is a fucking 14-year-old girl and she went through all of this, just to get back at the asshole who shot her friend. It’s not logical. Again, she’s a fucking 14-year-old girl. But it’s some pretty amazing shit and it’s hard not to cheer for her in ways nobody would ever cheer for Kid Omega.

As all this is transpiring at the Hellfire Academy, it’s easy to forget that the rest of the Jean Grey Institute staff has been trying to find them since the arc began. They spent most of the previous issue failing miserably. Then Wolverine managed to track down Lord Deathstrike with the help of the bamfs and whiskey (because most problems can be solved by whiskey). So for much of this issue he’s been battling Lord Deathstrike, trying to get him to reveal the location of the Hellfire Academy. In addition, Rachel, Beast, and Storm enlist help from Karoka, who happens to be one of Dr. Frankensteins old pets. This aspect of the story was nicely explored in the last issue, but this issue it comes off as a little flat. It’s fun seeing Wolverine fight Lord Deathstrike and all, but it just feels way too convenient that they had Karoka as a lead all along and didn’t fucking realize it. And since they’re not hormonal teenagers, they have no excuse.

The battles at the Hellfire Academy remain the most compelling aspect of the story. Having revealed her plan, Idie goes about putting it into action while Kid Omega and Toad continue to get their asses kicked. Kade Kilgore is surprised at first, but he quickly recovers and becomes only mildly disappointed that he won’t have a cute girl to be his Black Queen anymore. He tries shooting Idie after she attacks him. But he seems to forget that the Hellfire Academy trained her to give less than a fuck about maiming people so she continues to battle him. And at one point, she even has him at her mercy.

This leads to a moment that feels like the culmination of all the emotional upheaval that Idie has been experiencing throughout this series. Despite her narrations that clearly say that she has been taught to fight without mercy, she decides to spare Kade Kilgore. That means after going to a school intent on turning her into a young Dr. Doom, she doesn’t give in. I’m tempted to say, suck it, Captain America! But that wouldn’t be appropriate. The scene isn’t as detailed as it could have been, but the message is clear. Idie may be a killer, but she’s not a douche-bag. And that sets her apart from her peers and the rest of the X-men for that matter.

So rather than stick around and torture Kade Kilgore, Idie leaves him to ponder the feeling of being beat up by a girl and catches up with Kid Omega. He immediately thinks he’s in love with her, but that may just be a direct result of her wearing the Black Queen outfit. I’m pretty sure if a girl walked up to me wearing that while I was getting my ass kicked, I would probably ask her to marry me. So they leave Kade behind. It’s not clear if Paige kills Toad, but I don’t think anyone really gives a shit about that at this point. The end of this issue tempts us with the utter destruction of the Hellfire Academy. Idie and Kid Omega already get the ball rolling. Now the X-men are on their way with Karoka. I think it’s just about time for the Hellfire brats to start crying for their mommies.

I usually have mixed feelings about people who go to elaborate lengths to get back at someone. It’s one thing for an ex-girlfriend to just sell all your shit on Craigslist. It's quite another for her to seduce your boss, get him to marry her, kill him, take over the business, and then use that power to make your life a living hell. But the extent Idie goes to in order to get revenge on the Hellfire brats for shooting Broo is nothing short of admirable. Sure, she had to channel her inner sociopath and entertain the horemonal attractions of a pre-pubescent boy, but it got the job done. And by telling the story from her point of view, Wolverine and the X-men #33 is very compelling. Watching Kid Omega and Toad get the shit beat out of them isn't quite as compelling, but it’s still more fun than a joint and truck of illegal fireworks. That's my final verdict for Wolverine and the X-men #33 and if you don't like it, feel free to spend a day or two with one of my ex-girlfriends. But don't expect to leave with your balls intact. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #5 - Birthing True Awesome

There are very few comics that are awesome enough to enjoy both drunk and sober. There are even fewer comics are awesome enough to read with your kids/nephew/kid whose mother you're trying to bang. Granted, most modern comics are about as kid-friendly as a webcam in Snooki's bedroom. The women are grossly proportioned. The men are perfectly sculpted. No woman ever seems to bitch about having her period or complains about wearing skin-tight outfits. No man farts uncontrollably and makes hissing noises to let people know how much it stinks. I get that comics are a fantasy world because reality sucks elephant cock. But for kids, it does send a pretty fucked up impression. That's why I find Wolverine and the X-men to be such a breath of fresh air. Is it mature? Of course it is. It deals with homicidal kids and aliens and school uniforms where the skirts are several inches too high. But at least it's fun in a way that you can bullshit around with a kid. It might even get you lucky with said kid's mother or a restraining order (whichever comes first).

Wolverine and the X-men has become awesome under Jason Aaron because of his ability to create a unique tone for this comic. What sets it apart from the gritty and brooding world of Uncanny X-men that Kieron Gillen already does so masterfully is the different circumstances. Wolverine is not trying to create an army of mutant superheroes at the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. He's just trying to educate mutant children so they don't have to fight. That and be able to get hammered without the fear of being called up by Cyclops to fight a sentinel. So far, it's been as disastrous as one would expect. The Kid Hellfire Club showed up. Karoka attacked. And Angel, who is amnesic after his Dark Angel Saga experience, has gone batshit crazy. Oh, and Kitty Pryde is pregnant. Yeah, you know your school is done fucked up when your headmistress is knocked up shortly after you open your doors. That shit may work in Texas public schools where sex education consists of the bible and prayers to Rick Perry, but it shouldn't work in comics!

All these problems need to be fixed. But to fix them, Wolverine needs more than just his charisma and willingness to stab people. He needs money. Yes, even in comics shit can't get done without money. This was touched on in the last issue. Iceman, the institute's resident accountant, was warning Wolverine that they were burning through cash like MC Hammer in a parachute pants outlet store. They were able to keep things going by using Angel's fortune. Since he went nuts in the last issue, he didn't seem to mind. Well Wolverine and the X-men #5 begins by revisiting that issue. The kid Hellfire Club may be a ridiculous excuse for an enemy, but they have something more powerful than all the sentinels in the world...lawyers. With those lawyers, they effectively freeze Warren's accounts and cut of Wolverine's funds. It's a dick move and the Hellfire Club makes no bones about it. It doesn't help that Warren is still acting like an eight-year-old boy at Disney land in front of the board of his family company and press folk with video cameras.

While Wolverine is dealing with the severe rectal itch that is financial problems, class at the Jean Grey Institute continue as normal. Normal being more skewed than accounts of Gary Busey's therapy sessions. Quick, what do you remember about biology class? If you answered masturbating to the pictures depicting female reproductive systems, then obviously you never went to the Jean Grey Institute. And you may have left those stains on my textbook. While they don't have the kind of money to keep the school going, they somehow have the technology for Beast to shrink his students down Ant Man style and explore the mutant body up close and more intimate than a prostate exam.

It's actually a pretty meaningful lecture on some levels. Yeah, Kid Omega uses it as a way to flirt with Idie and Broo acts like he's a tourist at Disneyland. But others like Genesis take a moment to reflect on how a simple mutation on so small a level is causing all the crap he's now dealing with. In the last issue, a good deal of time was spent showing that Genesis was new to this world of conflict. He's still taking it in and Aaron takes some time to show that he's still processing everything. He does throw in some humor with Kid Gladiator acting like a douche in saying Shi'ar DNA is so much better, but it gets the point across.

The lesson ends with a not-so-startling reveal that they were inside Toad, the resident janitor. You get the sense that Aaron is just setting him up to go on a shooting rampage at one point, but for now the school has more pressing concerns. At the end of the previous issue, Kitty Pryde started puking uncontrollably and it wasn't because she saw that birth scene in the last Twilight movie. She found out she was pregnant Aliens style. Her womb swelled up and now she's understandably freaking out. It's like a new TLC show "Fuck, how did I get this pregnant?" She tried calling up Colossus, but never said a word to him. That's too bad because if the kid is his, that opens the door to all sorts of baby daddy drama. Admit it, "The Father of my Baby  is the Juggernaut" sounds like the perfect title for an episode of Jerry Springer. But a cameo is all we get. She eventually confronts Beast and Rachel, who are also understandably freaked out. At least they don't have to worry about their snatch being permanently ruined.

Now a sudden pregnancy like this is pretty serious shit, but Jason Aaron doesn't let the tone of the book get too serious. We get to see some of the students who got to explore Toad's innards in a completely non-sexual way hanging out and reflecting on their lesson. Then Wolverine comes barging in acting like he hasn't had his daily bottle of whiskey and demands that Kid Omega come with him. He doesn't explain why. He just leads him down into the "teachers only" area of the school and tells him that he's about to have a chance to prove that his dick and his brain are both as big as he boasts. For some reason in order to do that, he has to use the institute space ship and fly off into space.

Wait a sec, the Jean Grey Institute has a space ship and a shrink device? Why the fuck do they have money problems! There's a solution right there! Paid trips into space and adventures inside the human body. If they could somehow find a way to allow people to explore the insides of Natalie Portman that would pay for the institute for 20 years easy!

But before we can go off and have a space adventure, there's still a little matter of Kitty's pregnancy. There's a lot of questions to answer, like who the hell did she bone and what kind of miracle grow was in his jizz? She laments a bit how she'll be a crappy mother, as I'm sure most women who don't remember how they got pregnant may think at some point. Again, it's somewhat glossed over. But there's a reason for this. Once she gets an exam from Beast, he makes a rather disturbing discovery that makes that Alien joke I mentioned earlier all the more relevant. She's not pregnant. She's under attack by a swarm of aliens inside her body. Why do they happen to gather inside her baby maker? Maybe they just like vaginas as much as humans. Admit it, if given the choice I can see how some men would be okay with living in a vagina.

These aren't the same Aliens that Segorney Weaver fought. These are the Brood, also known as those horrific looking aliens whose idea of a good time is brutally slaughtering innocent creatures and dining on their bone marrow. They're usually large enough for you to shoot with a shotgun, but the ones inside Kitty are small enough to dine on her cells. In many ways that's infinitely more terrifying. For that reason, Beast locks down the school and everyone has to start checking every molecule they breathe to make sure they don't get eaten alive as well. But it's fucked up with a twist if you can believe that. These mini-Brood aren't up to infect everybody. They're tailored for Kitty. He calls it an assassination attempt. It's the kind that the CIA would kill for, but it only complicates the situation. Lucky for Kitty, Kid Gladiator needs to prove that his dick and his ego are of equal size. So he uses the same shrink technology demonstrated earlier to fly into her body and start fighting off the Brood. It's a losing fight, but given how Kid Gladiator has been such a douche it's hard to really care about him as much as Kitty's safety.

Now this unusual attack on Kitty begs a pretty important question. Where the fuck did it come from? Well Jason Aaron doesn't answer that question too quickly. But he does set things up. While Wolverine and Kid Omega are flying off into space in a way that's going to somehow save the school (the methods how can only be explained by Aaron's twisted imagination), an incident aboard your typical alien ship that flew too close to Earth is unfolding. The good folks at SWORD show up like a galactic boarder patrol minus the right-wing bumper stickers. They treat them the same way Arizona treats undocumented Mexicans. Somewhere there's a political ad for Rick Santorum, but I'll leave that for whichever asshole wrote his stance on birth control.

Like any pissed off wannabe immigrant, one of the aliens lashes out and rips the SWORD agents to pieces like popcorn shrimp at a summer cookout in Baltimore. Said alien looks like a Brood that pumped one too many meds from Sylvester Stallone's pharmacist. It has a bunch of normal Brood chained to it and it may not be of their own volition either. It's hard to tell. That may be a Brood mating ritual for all I know. But it's not enough to just kill the SWORD agents and presumably all the other aliens on the ship just looking for a place to shack up or some anuses to probe. It then blows open the ship and enters the vacuum of space, but looks about as comfortable doing so as a college co-ed in Ben Rothlesburger's swimming pool.

With no pesky ship to worry about, the creature and his Brood pets start drifting to Earth. As they do so, he narrates that he's tracing a signal from a virus. Any guess as to where that virus may be? If you guessed the inside of Kitty's lady parts, then you've managed to connect the dots in this story or you masturbate to some pretty fucked up fantasies. Or both, but who am I to judge? It only offers a hint as to who may be responsible for Kitty's sudden baby bump that isn't a baby. It's worth noting that not long ago, Kitty Pryde was trapped in a giant bullet that flew through space and encountered who knows how many alien germs? Will Aaron make that connection? We'll find out in the next issue. I just hope he's nice enough to offer a warning label if we'll have to watch a violent alien birth the likes of which would only be acceptable in another shitty Species movie.

Jason Aaron has set up some pretty disturbing plots with this issue. Kitty Pryde being eaten alive by cellular Brood creatures has the potential to be more fucked up than the birthing scene from Species II. And the prospect of the Jean Grey Institute being short on cash is nothing to laugh at. Anyone who has ever had the IRS or a bank come busting in your door for not keeping up with taxes or mortgage payments will get night sweats from shit like this. Yet somehow Aaron manages to keep the same fun tone with this issue. Maybe it's just because my notion of fun is so fucked up that it has to involve hookers and no fewer than three joints of Jamaican weed. Or maybe this comic is just well-written enough to put a smile on your face even though it deals with these disturbing plots.

This issue did a few things different compared to previous issues. It took on some more dramatic elements with Kitty lamenting over what she thought was a pregnancy. However, that drama wasn't really played up as much as it could have been. Kitty being pregnant is something that had the potential to really cause some added drama with Colossus. It could have even opened the door for him to get involved. But even before we found out that it was an attack by vagina loving Broodlings, it was glossed over. Kitty was like "I'm pregnant. Fuck." That's about it. I'm not saying Aaron mishandled it, but the impact felt a bit weak. That and Angel's character has become wildly erratic. I get that he's amnesic, but even he has to understand that fucking up the school's bank account is not something to take lightly.

Overall, this book is still high quality on all the levels that Jason Aaron has done such a good job of refining. He continues to have a nice sense of flow with this book, taking conflicts like financial troubles from previous issues and working them into future issues. And the mere fact that he's using finance as an issue adds an element of realism that had never been touched on in previous X-men comics. How they deal with this and how the team deals with the Brood threat with Kitty has the potential to be unlike any story that has come before it. That sense of novelty mixed with light-hearted humor helps make this issue awesome. That's why I give Wolverine and the X-men #5 a 4.5 out of 5. It's not quite perfect because the dramatic element hasn't been developed yet. But there's more than enough potential to fix that with future issues. Until then, feel free to share this issue with a kid and explain to him why aliens that try to eat a woman inside out are a perfect metaphor for mood swings. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #4 - A Typical Day of Awesome

A typical day of school is like a traditional bout of diarrhea. No matter how much you may be used to it, you still despise the experience and you're left with a burning asshole at the end of it. Or maybe that's just what I get for coming to school drunk and stumbling into the girl's bathroom. So when a comic book comes along with the central premise of young misfit kids going to school, it has about as much appeal as sticking one's penis in a toaster while drunk (I can't be the only one). However, this isn't just any comic book. This is Wolverine and the X-men by Jason Aaron, one of the best things Marvel has invented since Emma Frost's tits. This may be the best and only chance that a day of school doesn't come off as painful as untreated rectal cancer.

Wolverine and the X-men has not only established itself as one of Marvel's best new titles. It's established itself as an X-book with a very different feel from the always dire and constant extinction threats so typical of X-books. The first arc introduced the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning and told a fun story about young mutants adjusting to a new school and homicidal kids trying to destroy that school with a living island. For once, I don't even have to make a joke about that or use a lame metaphor. That's actually what happened and you know what? It was pretty fucking awesome. It wasn't just a good story. It was fun, light-hearted, and hopeful. It actually made readers have faith in the future. In this day and age, that's a pretty novel concept. There are enough comics on the market that require a Prozac prescription to enjoy. It's refreshing to have a book that makes you smile without having to use the pages to roll a joint.

Wolverine and the X-men #4 continues the early growing pains of the Jean Grey Institute. The school was just attacked, damaged, and repaired. The students were likely scarred for life, but no worse than they would be if they went to a public school in Baltimore. It begins with Wolverine doing some narrations that describe how fucked up his job is. By day he's a mild mannered school headmaster. By night he's a ruthless killer with a drinking problem. It's like Superman if he was a crackhead. But some of those activities involve his work with X-Force and as was demonstrated by the end of the Dark Angel Saga (a saga you should have read and jerked off to several times by now) his night life is now affecting his day job. His staff are all understandably restless, but Wolverine isn't done making them wish they had dropped out. 

Once again, X-men Regenesis has helped some books mesh with others. It's the kind of coherence you don't usually get even while sober. But it's like the hot sauce of comics. It makes everything taste better. Remember those activities I mentioned with Wolverine and X-Force? Well one of them led to a young, pre-tyrant Apocalypse. Only now he calls himself Genesis. Rather than surround Genesis with the gritty world of secret mutant kill squads, Wolverine decides to enroll him in school. I honestly think he's better off with the kill squads because pretty much everyone seems to notice how he looks. Not many have lips like his that look like someone shot Stephen Tyler with bee venom and got him stoned. Needless to say, the others aren't too welcoming and that's probably not a good thing for an aspiring tyrant.

But Genesis isn't the only relic from Wolverine's late-night debacles with X-Force. At the end of the Dark Angel Saga, Warren emerged completely changed. He wasn't Arcangel anymore, but he wasn't Warren Worthington III either. He's completely amnesic and has no memory of who he was. So he looks in the mirror, sees that he has wings, and makes the perfectly logical conclusion that he's a real angel. I personally would have assumed that I just took a bad hit of LSD, but I guess angel works just as well. It's not enough to just look the part for him either. He has to act the part as well. So he flies off and finds a father and two kids who just went through the traumatic experience of burying a pet dog. Warren digs him up and offers to bring him back. Not only are the kids not very enthusiastic about this, but I'm pretty sure they'll need therapy for the rest of their natural lives.

But these are just the regular antics of new students in a new school. My old school didn't have angels and teenage tyrants, but if an angel or a kid that looked like Genesis showed up it wouldn't gain nearly as much attention as what the seniors did to the incoming freshmen, which usually involved crazy glue and thumb tacks. For this new school, Jason Aaron takes some time off from making shit blow up and homicidal kids and actually depicts a lecture with the students at the Jean Grey Institute. He even brings in yet another relic of Uncanny X-Force in Deathlok. He's only about as intimidating as my 10th-grade algebra teacher and he gives the students a lecture about the future. Since the X-men deal with the future (sometimes literally) on a regular basis, it's not an unreasonable thing to educate the kids about.

This may not be as exciting as seeing the X-men take on an army of Frankenstein monsters or a living island like they did in the first arc, but it has some real relevance here. It offers insight into what life is like in the Jean Grey Institute. Now the shallow douche-bags of comic fandom may thumb their nose at that, but stuff like this helps add depth to the X-men because it shows just what they're doing on a non-heroic basis to make the world better. I agree. Fighting monsters is more exciting, but it helps when there's reason behind why they need to kick the asses of said monsters. Deathlok goes through the class and tells them the odds of them going one path or the other. It gets to the heart of what Wolverine wanted for this school, which was means for mutants to be themselves and not listen to aspire to be Cyclops's bitch.

It's not without drama though. It's worth noting that not everyone seems to know of all the shit that went down during the Dark Angel Saga. Iceman, who established himself as one of Wolverine's most trusted X-men, is among them. He's also one of Warren's oldest friends. So when he finds out that Warren flew off to mentally scar a family, he gets understandably upset. He doesn't offer to pay the therapist bills for the kids, but he does get Warren away from them and finds out that Warren has no idea who he is or who the X-men are. For any number of reasons, this upsets him because it shows that despite being one of the Original Five he hasn't exactly been kept in the loop. Now he probably regrets wasting time on snowmen and internet porn.

It's not the only dramatic moment in the issue. While Deathlok is revealing the potential futures for some students, he hesitates to predict the future for Genesis. When he's confronted, we get a brief flash-forward of a potential future that involves Deathlok being burnt to a crisp and Idie being a mature, very boneable leader. That future also shows that going to school didn't stop Genesis from becoming the Apocalypse that gets a boner every time someone inflicts mass genocide.

This is somewhat of an odd scene because it's not entirely clear if this is a real Days of Futures Past type future or just something Deathlok is conjuring. It may certainly rub some readers the wrong way to see Kid Omega and Idie coddling under Genesis's wrath. It doesn't help that Kid Omega seems to have the emblem of the Phoenix Force on his costume, this before the events of Avengers vs. X-men are resolved. Given all the alternate futures in Marvel, this just seems excessive and cliched. However, it does send a message. Genesis still has the potential to be dangerous and school won't exactly help. Again, a kill squad sounds like a viable alternative here.

In many ways, Genesis's potential future and Warren's new state are a microcosm of what the Jean Grey Institute is facing. Not everybody is okay with it. Iceman confronts Wolverine about it and makes his anger about Warren painfully apparent. He doesn't seem to care that Wolverine was keeping X-Force alive. He only cares that doing so seemed to have mind-fucked his friend. Wolverine doesn't mince words. He explains both in words and in narration that the school is about hope and nourishing vulnerable minds before they become genocidal tyrants. He reveals that Warren has been enrolled in the school. Never mind that Warren has to be older than the rest of the student body. Hell, he was banging Psylocke in Uncanny X-Force and it's really not clear if Psylocke is like those teachers that can't help but bone their students. It's almost as if Warren was de-aged. Jason Aaron doesn't offer any explanation to this and it would be nice if he did, but the point of this conclusion is to show what the Jean Grey Institute represents and in that respect he succeeds. And wouldn't you know it? He does it without blowing shit up.

Once Wolverine is done with his little monologue, everything ends on a fairly upbeat note. But Jason Aaron just seems more impatient than a crackhead in withdraw and offers a preview into the next storyline. It starts with Kitty Pryde being sick and throwing up during class. Usually that's just the result of someone who couldn't sleep off a hangover, but this is something more serious. When Kitty stumbles into the bathroom, she makes a shocking discovery. Apparently, she didn't have a note on her panties that said "don't be a fool, wrap your tool." She also appears to have miracle grow in her uterus because she's pregnant. I now leave the readers for a moment of silence to mourn the eventual destruction of Kitty's snatch.

So an ending full of hope turns into a scene from Species. Now someone getting pregnant in school is nothing new. We live in a country where 15-year-olds get knocked up in locker rooms all the time. What makes Wolverine and the X-men an awesome book is how it presents these issues. It's not done in a dire, world-ending sort of manner. There's conflict, but there's hope. There are assholes, but there is heart. Wolverine and Deathlok both come off as assholes in this issue at times, but it's always balanced with a genuine desire to make this school work. That's the main theme of this issue. It shows the day-to-day bullshit that the X-men have to deal with in order to function. It takes time from islands that want to devour schools and shows just how this new school functions. It also sets up a pretty fucked up story after and one that is sure to require the world's greatest gynecologist when all is said and done.

The only area that may turn some readers off is the tone of the issue. It's organized like one big setup. Some may not appreciate that Jason Aaron is trying to slow down here and show how the Jean Grey Institute functions on a logistical level. Some just like it when shit blows up. They may or may not be future NASCAR fans, but they may have a point on some levels. This issue mostly set up plots for the future. It established Genesis as a new character with an uncertain status. It established Warren as someone whose mind has been fried, frozen, and reheated. It also established that Kitty Pryde may or may have some kinky tastes that would make great Japanese anime porn. But it didn't do much with any of this. And some may not like the tone of Deathlok's vision of the future. In the end this issue is like an extended trailer for an action movie, but without shitty 80s rock music in the background.

I can't fault Jason Aaron for easing into the next arc. Kieron Gillen did the same thing with Uncanny X-men, although one could argue that he did it in a better way. This issue does a great job of exploring the less obvious aspects of the Jean Grey Institute. Aaron's style is as engaging, enjoyable, and fun as ever. It just lacks the same impact that Kieron Gillen gave Uncanny X-men #4. That's not a criticism. Not everyone can raise the bar, less the air grow too thin and everyone suffocates. Wolverine and the X-men #4 is a worthy and entertaining addition to this amazing series. That's why I give it a 4.5 out of 5. It's almost awesome enough to ease the childhood trauma of my own school experience. Almost being the operative word. Nuff said!