Sanctioned Anarchy: Wolverine and the X-men #1

The following is my review of Wolverine and the X-men #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

There's a reason why functioning societies don't put young, inexperienced teenagers in positions of power. It's for a very similar reason that old empires and declining dynasties ended when young men with more acne than experience were put into positions of power. Some parents and even some teachers may be willing to trust some teenagers with greater responsibilities. But as a whole, they look at teenagers as potential juveniles that still think with the wrong body parts. Some even take it to extremes, treating teenagers as criminals by default. That's why some public schools function more like prisons than schools. The thought of teenagers having no structure or order is so horrifying that their rights and privileges are more restrained than those of actual prisoners. But is it at all possible for teenagers to function in positions of power and not screw it up?

That's a question that the newly relaunched Wolverine and the X-men #1 tries to answer. What Jason Aaron built up for 42 issues is now continuing under Jason Latour. And the transition is both fairly smooth and thematically consistent. However, there is a clear shift in how this new iteration of Wolverine and the X-men functions. And that shift is best embodied by new role given to Kid Omega. A few years ago, any role with Kid Omega that didn't involve giving the X-men migraines was unthinkable. But he went through many changes over the course of Jason Aaron's run on the series. And in this first issue, Kid Omega goes through another change. But it's not as dramatic as it's made out to be and he goes out of his way to make sure of it.

Since his creation at the hands of Grant Morrison, one of Kid Omega's defining traits has been his utter lack of maturity. He's like a spoiled two-year-old with super-powers. Whenever something doesn't go his way, his reaction gives adults all the reasons they'll ever need not to trust teenagers. Yet during X-men: Battle of the Atom, he saw a glimpse of his future. He saw that he would one day wield the Phoenix Force. And if he weren't mature at least on some levels, the Phoenix would have already torched the Earth and probably the Earths of several parallel universes. But he doesn't see it that way and it shows in how he handles new responsibilities.

At the end of Jason Aaron's run on Wolverine and the X-men, Kid Omega was given a diploma. Whereas most teenagers see this as right up there with their prom night as a major milestone, he hates it. And at the beginning of this new run, he's given new responsibilities as a teaching assistant. It's the kind of responsibility that some kids work their hands to the bone to get. But when it's served to him on a silver platter, he just gags like it's lined with spoiled mushrooms. The end result of his new responsibilities isn't that surprising. His students take this as permission to be as irresponsible as they want. It may very well vindicate all those fears that adults have about teenagers, but Kid Omega is hardly a fitting sample size. And his ascension to this role only reveals another kind of anarchy that has taken over the series.

The state of affairs at the Jean Grey Institute has clearly changed. What isn't so clear is why it changed in the first place. The answer is this issue's greatest shortcoming and not just because the answer is insufficient. As it stands, the only one in charge at the Jean Grey Institute with a history of responsibility, at least when it doesn't come to hair styles, is Storm. And she's trying to keep the school intact while Wolverine is MIA and shortly after he gives the rest of the staff extended leave. Even though Wolverine admits throughout his tenure as headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute that he couldn't be a less qualified teacher without being a creationist teaching biology, he essentially reinforces this to an extreme by ditching his staff and letting someone like Kid Omega in charge. That's like cutting half the football team and replacing them with cheerleaders.

But that's not to say he's not looking for more help. The problem is the help he ends up recruiting might as well have come from a shady, poorly worded ad on Craigslist. Despite not having his healing factor, he ventures to The Block in an effort to recruit his old X-Force ally, Fantomex. Now this might make sense if he was putting together a new secret kill-squad whose secondary mission was to stay as far away from impressionable teenagers as possible. But Wolverine actually wants Fantomex to teach at the Jean Grey Institute. And this isn't just a problem. It's an act of hypocrisy.

The whole reason why Wolverine founded the Jean Grey Institute was because he wanted to distance himself from Cyclops's more militaristic approach to training mutants. That was all well and good at first, but then he put Cyclops at the top of dirtbags-he-wants-to-stab list after Charles Xavier died by his hands. Yet somehow Fantomex doesn't make this list? The same guy who once shot a kid Apocalypse right between the eyes? How can he trust Fantomex to teach his students while one of his sole missions in life is to denigrate Cyclops? That makes as much sense as asking the Hulk to teach anger management classes.

Wolverine and the X-men #1 establishes a new course for the Jean Grey Institute. However, that new course is poorly defined and even more poorly executed. Putting Kid Omega in charge and recruiting Fantomex make for some entertaining and colorful moments, but it's hard to take those ideas seriously. And maybe that's the point. Wolverine is essentially reinforcing his status as being an under-qualified headmaster and he's doing too good a job. There are a number of flaws in the first part of this new course, but few of these flaws are so egregious that they can't be addressed in later issues. And despite these flaws, this issue provides a fairly smooth transition, at least in terms of theme and vision, from one era of Wolverine and the X-men to the other. The Jean Grey Institute is still in a state of self-imposed anarchy. It's chaotic and hard to follow at times. But like watching wannabe stars fail at American Idol auditions, it's still entertaining.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #1

Sometimes a relaunch could be the beginning of a fresh bender or a bad relapse. Right now, relaunches have been going around the Marvel universe like a pubic lice outbreak on a 70s porno set. If a series isn’t getting relaunched, a brand new series is being created that will probably end up getting relaunched at some point. Marvel has discovered that in the same way adding bacon to any meal makes it better, adding a new #1 to a comic makes it sell better. It’s shameless. It’s crass. But fuck, it works. So many once long-running books have been relaunched that Wolverine and the X-men was actually the longest running X-books to date. Well Marvel just can’t have that shit so after 42 issues, they’re relaunching it with a new writer in Jason Latour and a new focus. It’s still about Wolverine and a team of X-men. Why wouldn’t it be? It’s as basic a title as Snakes on a Plane. But it promises a few different elements than before. Different by Marvel standards can mean so many things, both awesome and fucked up. I’ll try to keep a running tab as I review Wolverine and the X-men #1. If I lose track, then it’s either really good or really bad. That or I’m just really high.

This new era of Wolverine and the X-men doesn’t start out on a chipper note. It flash forward to the future where, once again, shit gets fucked up by the Phoenix Force. Seriously, is there any future that doesn’t get fucked up by some cosmic entity and/or some deranged robot that the Hank Pyms of the world built? But I digress. This vision of the future is not unlike the one revealed at the end of the previous era of Wolverine and the X-men. Idie has grown up to be Beyonce-level sexy and Kid Omega has the Phoenix Force. That may or may not be the reason why Wolverine dies in the future. The return of Apocalypse may actually be a greater cause, so much so that I’m not exactly sure who is the asshole in this future clash. I just feel bad for Wolverine because I’m sure he would have preferred to die of old age and liver disease, whichever came first. But it would probably be liver disease.

Back in the present, Kid Omega is doing little to show that he’ll one day be worthy of wielding the Phoenix Force. After getting a diploma he didn’t want at the end of the last era, he is now forced into a new role of responsibility. For a teenager, that’s almost as traumatic as dealing with the DMV for the first time ever. He still doesn’t want this role. Even though Idie is being so lovably sweet to him in a way he sure as hell doesn’t deserve, he hates the idea of being a teaching assistant and having to instill order in a school that rarely has any to begin with. Yet she somehow convinces him to put on a dorky-looking suit that was probably bought off the racks from a Wal-Mart and take on the role. That’s the only weakness for rebellious teenage boys. Throw a pretty girl into the mix and his rebellion only goes as far as her rack.

Kid Omega isn’t the only one taking on new responsibilities either. While he’s hating his new role as a teaching assistant, other students that distinguished themselves in the previous series take on new roles as well. That includes students like Eye Boy. Wait, did I say they distinguished themselves? I must really be stoned because Eye Boy did as much to distinguish himself as I did at my last traffic court hearing. He basically just stood around and looked like he just shit his pants during many of the big events during Jason Aaron’s run. That said, he did get a diploma at the end. But at least he’s not in charge of a whole fucking class. He’s just showing new students around for orientation. It probably helps that one of the students is a cute, quiet girl named Nature Girl. I guess even Wolverine and Storm knew that he hadn’t distinguished himself enough to do more than just welcome new students to the school. Hell, a diploma isn’t even needed for shit like that. Most drunks I know will do a competent job if a case of whiskey is offered as incentive.

But wait a minute, why the fuck are students taking on these roles in the first place? Doesn’t the Jean Grey Institute have an established faculty? Where the fuck is Wolverine anyways and what was he thinking? Well, the answer doesn’t make a lot of sense in some ways and makes a hell of a lot of sense in others. Despite not having his healing factor, he’s back in some deranged cage match that probably gets on pay-per-view all the time in the Marvel universe. It’s taking place in The Block, an inter-dimensional prison where cage-fighting is probably the only the second most common form of entertainment after prison rape. At first, it just looks like Wolverine was bored and needed something to do in between steamy sex sessions with Storm. But he actually is on a mission and even brought a bamf with him to help out. He’s demanding that the Block bring someone to him. If it’s not a naked Storm or a mortally wounded Mystique, who could possibly be worth this kind of trouble? They just better have whisky oozing from their nipples because even without a healing factor, Wolverine isn’t known for his patience.

Wolverine’s absence means that Storm is the only responsible adult trying to maintain some semblance of order at the Jean Grey Institute. As for the rest of that dedicated faculty that usually helps keep the peace, Storm reveals that Wolverine granted them all extended personal leave. Now I know Wolverine is as qualified to run a school as I’m qualified to run an addiction treatment center, but that’s a pretty fucking stupid thing to do. Storm reaches out to Beast for help, who claims he needs space after seeing that the older version of himself he saw in Battle of the Atom made him feel all unfuzzy and shit. I don’t believe that for a second. If being an unapologetic douche-bag doesn’t bother him in the present, then why the hell should it bother him in the future? Whatever his reason, Storm finds out that Wolverine signed off on this and didn’t give a reason. Considering that she lets him see her naked on a regular basis, an explanation should be right up there with remembering her birthday.

And when he has other students in charge, that leads to less learning and more property damage. This shows in the class Kid Omega is supposed to be responsible for. While he’s basically just twiddling his thumbs and complaining about how itchy his suit is, the rest of the students have come up with a new game. It involves taking bets on whether Rockslide can kill one of the bamfs. In my old school when the teacher passed out drunk during class, we usually took bets on how many dicks we could draw on their face before they woke up. It wasn’t quite as destructive, but I imagine it was just as entertaining.

Naturally, it gets destructive in a way that goes beyond the classroom. Like when the teachers woke up and tried to stumble towards the bathroom to throw up, it gets more disruptive and more entertaining. It isn’t until the bamfs hide behind one of the pretty new girls that Rockslide stops his rampage, causing Eye Boy to go back into shit-his-pants mode. The destruction could have ended here. But then Doop has to get involved. Being the amorphous mass that every writer goes out of their way to make awesome, he punishes Rockslide by knocking him right out of the school so that he lands right in front of Storm.

As entertaining as this is, Storm is about as amused as vegetarian as a slaughter house. I can’t say I blame her either. Who would have thought that a class run by Kid Omega would result in major property damage? I mean besides everyone with a functioning brain. I get that Kid Omega has undergone a number of major shifts since Wolverine and the X-men began, but he’s still a total douche who has about as much maturity as a horny monkey. I’m all for continuing his story, but putting him in a position like this is predictably inept. Hell, Doop is more competent than Kid Omega at this point.

It only gets worse when Storm confronts Kid Omega. And it quickly goes back to what they learned about his future during Battle of the Atom and what occurred in the earlier flashback. He rightly points out that it was a fucking stupid idea to put him in charge in the first place. To be fair, Wolverine made that decision and not Storm. But he’s still right to point it out. He also points out how he hasn’t forgotten that he saw that he becomes the Phoenix host. And for him, that’s not nearly as awesome as it sounds and not because Phoenix hosts have a very short lifespan. It essentially maps his future out for him and if there’s one thing teenagers hate, having their future decided for them ranks right up there with taking away their cell phone.

It still comes off as a petty complaint on Kid Omega’s part, even if it is right to some extent. Hellion even calls him out on it and picks a fight with his omega level ass. It’s a dick move, but it’s not entirely wrong. And to Kid Omega’s credit, which I don’t think I’ve ever uttered before, he doesn’t fight back. He just storms off like a typical pissed teenager. It definitely says something when Kid Omega is the only one in this series who is acting logically. It’s still not clear what possessed Wolverine to put his immature ass in charge or why he let the other teachers run off.

Those answers are hard to come by, but other answers do eventually emerge. We do find out who Wolverine was demanding to see with his cage match in The Block. It turns out to be Fantomex, a guy who is probably almost as much at home in a prison as he is in a French brothel. And for reasons that I can only attribute to repeated concussions, he asks Fantomex to join the Jean Grey Institute as a teacher. He even brings in Genesis, someone he tried and nearly failed to keep from going all Apocalyptic on everyone, to add further incentive. It’s a strange move and a bit of a dick move. But that’s not the most distressing part and for a scene that takes place in a prison, that’s saying something.

Wolverine ditched Cyclops and goes out of his way to bust his balls because he favored a tougher approach to training future mutants. He rubbed elbows with the likes of Magneto, Namor, and Magik. He blames Cyclops for killing Charles Xavier every chance he gets. Yet he’s willing to give Fantomex a chance to teach a bunch of young and impressionable teenagers? This same guy who shot a kid in the face? Maybe if this happened before Avengers vs. X-men, I could buy it. But this shit just makes him out to be a total hypocrite. He won’t forgive Cyclops for his crimes, but he’ll gladly forgive Fantomex and give him a fucking teaching position? Healing factor or no healing factor, there’s no amount of concussions that could have that decision make sense.

To Wolverine’s credit, he does try to give some reason. He says Charles Xavier once took a chance on a killer so now he’s taking a chance on Fantomex. I still don’t get why the fuck he can’t apply that logic to Cyclops or even Sabretooth for that matter. But it still falls flat. It does lead to a nice moment with Fantomex and Genesis, but not much comes of it. Wolverine’s reasons for seeking him out and his reasons for needing more teachers in the first place makes no sense and just makes him seem more inept than a typical drunk. And speaking as a fellow drunk, I find that insulting.

The moments with Fantomex won’t get anybody’s panties wet. But final scenes with Idie and Kid Omega may trigger a few pussy boners. It might actually be the most meaningful moment that Kid Omega has ever had with his pants on. He confides in Idie how he fucking hates having his future laid out for him. Like any teenager, he just wants to wake up in the morning and do whatever the fuck he wants, preferably with as few consequences as possible. And for the first time, he actually admits he’s afraid. And teenagers will usually admit to their porno stash before they admit that they’re afraid. So that’s saying a lot. He doesn’t want the future he saw, even if it means having cosmic power. It may be the first time anyone can say with a sober mind that Kid Omega is a sympathetic character.

However, he’s not going to be able to whine about the future for very long. As he’s moping with Idie, the Phoenix Force rears its ugly head again and in an instant, jaded Jean Grey fans start banging their heads against the wall all at once. But it’s not as flashy as it was during Avengers vs. X-men. This time it comes in the form of some strange text message/spam that hits all the video screens in the Jean Grey Institute. It may be a sign that the whole “No More Phoenix” spell is wearing off faster than a beer buzz at Rush Limbaugh’s house or it may just be some very distasteful trolling from Mystique. Whatever the case, it means Kid Omega will have to mature real fucking fast if he’s going to face it. In either case, a mature Kid Omega sounds like one of those things that will doom us all.

I look at Wolverine handling his role as Headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute in the same way I look at how republicans handle government. They run on the principle that the government is inefficient and inept. Then when they get elected, they essentially prove themselves right. The big difference is that Wolverine is honest about it and he’s less a dick to teenagers who don’t vote. He made clear early after the founding of the Jean Grey Institute that he’s a piss-poor candidate for headmaster of a school. Yet he tries his best to do right by his students, which is more than can be said about the George W. Bush’s of the world. But putting an unapologetic douche-bag like Kid Omega in charge while letting the rest of his staff ditch their roles isn’t just inept. It’s downright irresponsible and coming from a drunk who once picked a fight with a poodle, that’s saying something. While seeing Kid Omega’s continued transformation made for some nice moments, bringing Fantomex into the picture made about as much sense as making O.J. Simpson a sensitivity counselor. The new state of the Jean Grey Institute is pretty fucked up and not enough details are given to explain how it got to this fucked up state. I give Wolverine and the X-men #1 a 6 out of 10 with the hope that Wolverine has a reason for being this inept that doesn’t involve too much whiskey. Well, I’ll be okay if it involves a little whiskey. But still, Fantomex a teacher and Kid Omega a teaching assistant? Whatever drugs he took to come up with those ideas, I want some. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #1 PREVIEW - More Phoenix Please

When it comes to magic spells, the closet real-world equivalent is Photoshop or the undo button on a computer. I admit I feel a little like Doctor Strange when I fuck something up that I’m working on and the simple click of a button undoes that mistake as though it never happened. If only that worked as well for parking tickets. But whenever magic is used to fix something in a comic, that’s usually a sign that nobody can come up with a better idea on how to resolve a story or somebody ran out of acid. It’s basically a cop-out. It’s part of what made the ending to Avengers vs. X-men so shitty. This whole “No More Phoenix” bullshit might as well have been “We’re sick of the Phoenix. Just go away for a while.” Well as we already saw in X-men Battle of the Atom, that while has passed.

The combined magic of the Scarlett Witch and Hope fucking Summers proved to be about as potent as watered down light beer. In the future, the Phoenix Force isn’t just back. It has set up shop with Kid Omega of all people. It helped him take on Xorna/Jean in Battle of the Atom. Granted, he got his ass kicked and the Phoenix Force still showed that it had an affinity for pretty redheads, but it did give him a fighting chance. We saw him again at the end of Wolverine and the X-men #42, which showed that the Phoenix Force didn’t make him less a douche. Even cosmic power has its limits. Bet we never got an explanation or a hint of the ramifications for giving a douche-bag like Kid Omega the Phoenix Force. Like pumping Mike Tyson with crystal meth in a room of Don King clones, nothing good can come of it.

Now Wolverine and the X-men is getting relaunched. It will focus some of the same characters while bringing in new ones. It also promises to deal with new threats and maybe even answer some of the questions left by X-men Battle of the Atom. But that might be asking for too much. That said, Newsarama released a preview of Wolverine and the X-men #1 and maybe we will get some of those answers. They may be bullshit answers. But unlike my old gym teacher, I do give points for trying and I don’t throw deflated basketballs at fat kids for motivation.

Newsarama: Wolverine and the X-men #1 Preview

WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN #1
Jason Latour (W) • Mahmud Asrar (A/C)
VARIANT COVER BY MARK BROOKS
ANIMAL VARIANT BY Jenny Parks
WELCOME TO THE JEAN GREY SCHOOL OF HIGHER LEARNING! The ALL NEW MARVEL NOW smash hit series schools with Jason Latour (WINTER SOLDIER) and Mahmud Asrar (X-MEN) leading the charge with drama, action and homework(?)! World-famous X-Men Wolverine, Storm, and a star-studded faculty must educate the next generation all-powerful, but inexperienced mutants! But with their own lives steeped in deadly enemies and personal crises, how can the X-Men guide and educate—let alone defend—the school? At the Jean Grey School, you never know who will enroll…or who will lead the class! And what mysterious organization waits in the shadows to destroy Wolverine’s mutant sanctuary? These questions and more are answered in the All-New Marvel Now sure-to-be-smash, WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN #1!

Before I touch on anything Phoenix related, I think one point needs to be made. Idie grows up into a total babe. I need to say that for the record. But with respect to Kid Omega, he gives the impression that he’s trying to be responsible with the Phoenix Force. That or having cosmic powered has made him bored of being a douche-bag. I’m not sure which it is. His future self hasn’t shown much charisma outside flaunting his Phoenix powers. But if X-men Battle of the Atom applies at all, then the Phoenix still has a connection to Jean Grey. And Kid Omega’s hold on it is more tenuous than the Congress’s approval rating.

It’s also not entirely clear who is the asshole in this preview. Is Kid Omega trying to stop Apocalypse or is it the other way around? Does Genesis grow up into being an apocalyptic douche-bag or does Kid Omega grow up to be Dark Phoenix? It’s left vague and the guy who has his dogs shit on my yard, it’s probably intentional. So I guess this means any “No More Phoenix” shit can be effectively thrown out and Avengers vs. X-men can be increasingly marginalized. And I’m perfectly okay with both. Nuff said!

Wolverine and the X-men #1 - Schooling Awesome

With all the new #1s hitting comic stores lately, both Marvel and DC are conspiring to undermine the entire number system. When new #1s come along, it's supposed to be like seeing a deer hump your neighbor's collection of creepy lawn gnomes. It's rare, it's entertaining, and it's something you don't generally forget (even if you try). DC got the ball rolling with their ambitious, massive, fucktacular reboot where they threw 52 #1s onto the racks. That's like seeing a full blown deer/gnome orgy. It's just as rare and entertaining, yet at the same time excessive and a little creepy. Well Marvel is doing some rebooting of their own. This past year they've ended two of their longest running series, Fantastic Four and Uncanny X-men. I was here to review the final issue of Uncanny X-men for all you wonderful X-men fans. It was an emotional, bittersweet, and powerful moment. Well now it's time for X-fans everywhere to stand up and say "Fuck it. Let's see what the future has to offer!"

The future is called Wolverine and the X-men #1. Granted, it's not the most original title for an X-book, but it takes what happened in Schism and the aftermath and builds a new foundation for the X-books. The man behind the madness is the same guy who wrote Schism, Jason Aaron. In that story he permanently ended the epic Cyclops/Wolverine bromance and bitterly divided the X-men over the future of mutant kind. Cyclops won't leave San Francisco. Apparently, the medical marijuana and gay bars are just too hard to leave behind. That leaves Wolverine to return to Westchester and build a new school for young mutants. But it's not the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning this time. That shit got blown up and that name is older than my grandfather's nut sack. Instead, he's constructed the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. Because what better way to usher in the future than to honor the chick Wolverine wants to so badly bone?

Now I could make a whole blog post about Wolverine's choice of name. Much has already been made of it. In some ways it's utter proof that Marvel will never bring Jean Grey back again because her returning would just make it too difficult to write because Marvel would have to go through the trouble of depicting he reaction. And we all know Marvel takes the easy way out when it comes to Jean Grey. In other ways it shows that Wolverine is not above taunting Cyclops. I'm sure it pisses him off, Wolverine naming a school after his dead wife. But I think that's the point. That and it just makes Wolverine all the more creepy with his obsession with Jean. First he's gathering snippets of her hair. Now he's naming schools after her. Is he actually in love with this chick or does he only love her in the same way Mark Chapman loved John Lennon? It's creepy as fuck is all I'm saying.

But enough about Wolverine's unhealthy obsession with certain women. Wolverine and the X-men #1 is a new series for a new era of X-men. It begins in a way that you would expect of a new school. It's orientation day and Wolverine is putting the finishing touches on his new facilities. Now you would think it would take a long fucking time to build a new school, but keep in mind he's just building over top of the ruins of the old school and he has some friends with uncanny resources. Try and remember that. This new future doesn't happen without a quick revisit to the past. Professor Xavier drops by to wish Wolverine well. Since he's become too much of a pariah to start a school again, he just offers Wolverine his support while he goes back to...wait, what the fuck is Xavier in the X-men comics again aside form NOT guiding the team he founded through this difficult time? You know what? Fuck it. This isn't about him. This is about Wolverine and the X-men!

There's a lot that goes into a mutant school with all sorts of mutant-related issues too fucked up for even New York public schools. But one of the real-world issues that Wolverine must contend with is that as a school, his institute needs to be accredited by the New York Department of Education. That's right, Tea Party supporters! Even fucking superheroes aren't immune from the unstoppable force of government bureaucracy. This forces Wolverine to put on a suit and tie (which really doesn't go well with his typical wife-beater and torn jeans) and Kitty Pryde, the chosen Headmistress of the school, has to look like a real-estate agent. They're both in incredibly awkward positions, but that's part of what's so fun about it.

The inspectors from the New York Department of Education are about as snooty as you would expect. They don't look like bureaucrats as much as they do rich snobs who hang out with Prince Charles while drinking wine mixed with the blood of the peasants. They also act like it as well. They make it clear to Wolverine and Kitty that they can shut the whole place down because the state gives them the legal right to fuck with people. You get the feeling that Wolverine and Kitty would rather be arm-wrestling Apocalypse, but if they're going to be a legitimate school this is the kind of shit they have to deal with. So they put on a happy face and try to show them how wonderful a school for mutants can be.

In an effort to combat their snootiness, they gave the two bureaucrats a tour. They drop in on one of the classes that could only be taught at a school for mutants. Rachel Grey, apparently back from space for all those of you following the X-men Legacy story, is now teaching students how to defend their minds from psychics. This is a remarkably pragmatic course because seriously, who wants psychics knowing who you fantasize about when you're waxing your carrot or where you keep your porno stash? Jason Aaron finds time to throw in a little humor as well and for a series that has been so painfully serious with events like Schism, it's a welcome change.

Wolverine and Kitty show the boring ass paper pushers a few other areas of the school. They show them a class that's being taught by Husk, which is kind of like being in a class with a teacher who has a pet grizzly. They also introduce them to some of the students, who make about as good an impression as a date with Andy Dick. Hellion once again shows that he's still a douche-bag and losing his hands is not an excuse. We see him taunting a new student named Sleazoid, which isn't an insult actually. It's his fucking name because he's one of the Brood. But he's not the typical eat-your-flesh-and-shit-out-your-bones type Brood. He's actually a mutant Brood with a little restraint that's why he's in Wolverine's school.

Now this scene seems like a bit of an aside, but it points out something very important regarding Wolverine's school. It's actually a touch of realism because like any school, there will be douche-bags that pick on others. Hellion has long flirted with such douche-baggery. Since X-23 left, he's practically date raped it. But every school needs a guy like him (my old high school had a fucking army). So it's still a nice touch.

Unlike my school, this kind of shit doesn't go unpunished. Wolverine doesn't take kindly to his students acting like douche-bags, especially when brown-nosing bureaucrats are present. So while Hellion and his skeleton-glob buddy are in the bathroom taking care of business, Wolverine takes it upon himself to start up a quick Danger Room session to help both students relieve their constipation. It's quite possibly the most appropriate punishment ever dished out in a school since one of my old principals got back at a bully by sleeping with the kid's mother. It gives the solid impression that there's a sense of justice at this school, which already places it above 80 percent of pretty much every other school in America.

But not all students are dicks. Wolverine and Kitty go out of their way to introduce some of their nicer students. This includes Idie, the only one of the Five Lights to join Wolverine at the school. She comes off as much nicer to the snooty bureaucrats that seem so eager to find shit wrong with this school. Well Idie should be loveable enough to sway their opinions, right? Well, not quite. Keep in mind this girl is still somewhat traumatized by having to kill in Schism. She still refers to mutants as monsters and that really doesn't help Wolverine's case. But still, Chris Bachalo's art makes her look so cute! They can't say no to a face like that, can they? Oh wait, they work for New York Public School? Never mind.

Since they're having so little luck with the students, Wolverine and Kitty show their guests to where the institute gets all the fancy shit that helps it control the chaos. It's all courtesy of Beast, a character that I've found many reasons to despise for being such a whiney dick over the past few years. However, the man is still brilliant and he could probably create a weapon of mass destruction out of a vibrator. So with help from a little Shi'ar tech (a hint at how the arc in X-men Legacy ends?) he's created a school that can power itself, provide all the necessary food, and probably provide high speed internet so that students can get all the porn they so desperately need. He also is wound tighter than Rush Limbaug's asshole. He keeps listing a number of outrageous problems such as an inter-dimensional gateway that's letting in all sorts of sinister creatures, a kitchen that's overflowing with sewage, and mysterious tremors underground. And he's doing this in the presence of the inspectors no doubt. Hank McCoy may be a brilliant scientist, but his people skills suck. How he got a chick as hot as Abigail Brand to fuck him simply defies all logic.

Now with all this Shi'ar tech, you might be wondering how the fuck they could get so much under such short notice. Well that's dealt with as well. Apparently, the school isn't just for mutants. It's opened it's door to aliens too. No, not the illegal kind that Republicans smear in every debate while claiming it's not racist. We're talking real aliens, including Warbird and Gladiator's kid, Kid Gladiator. Okay, so having all that strength doesn't make him creative, but you get the idea. They arrive at the school and add to the douche-bag factor that Hellion has already established. But if they bring the kind of Shi'ar tech that allows Beast to not be such a dick, I'd say they're worth putting up with.

So the inspection from the state is going bad. It's increasingly likely that they'll condemn the whole school as a crime against children. Wolverine's day is going to hell, no doubt about it. How can it possibly get worse? Well how about a homicidal kid? Remember that crazy kid from Schism that became Black King of the Hellfire Club? Yeah, that whole premise bothered me because who the fuck lets a kid take over the Hellfire Club and take over his father's company? Aren't there child labor laws in he Marvel universe? Well apparently not because this Killgore kid (probably a registered Republican and Tea Party supporter) pays a visit to the school and confronts Wolverine. Then in a move that's either ballsy or stupid, he confesses to being the one behind the whole affair that led to the schism. Furthermore, he says he's the one who is making a metric fuckton of money off selling fancy new sentinels to those who fear mutants. So he threatens to destroy the school so they can't work on building peace.

Now aside from this being a real dick move on the part of the kid, it still has the same problems it did in Schism. Seriously? How the fuck does a kid who doesn't even look like he's started shaving become this competent and this crazy to fuck with the X-men? Now I've been willing to overlook the sheer ridiculousness of this premise because the stories have been so solid. I'm willing to do it with this comic too. But at some point Marvel has to address just how the fuck this kid could do half the shit he did. Did Sinister put him up to it? Did aliens abduct him? In Marvel that's not out of the realm of possibility. It's a fucked up plot that at some point needs to be unfucked.

But I do have to give the Killgore kid credit in one respect. He delivers on his threats. Shortly after Wolverine threatens to fuck him up in ways that violent movies could never fuck up a kid, he unleashes yet another monster against the X-men. This time it isn't a sentinel. Remember those underground rumblings that Beast was babbling about? Well the source wasn't your typical Earthquake or a stampede of Apple fans running to get in line for the new Iphone. It was a massive rock creature with a head the size of a fucking blimp. So all the introductions and all the brown-nosing is officially over. Now the X-men must get back to doing what they do best, fighting off killer monsters and running around in skin-tight outfits so fans can jerk off to them. It's as classic an X-men moment as you can get.

Back before there was hair on my balls, I dreaded the first day of school. Wolverine and the X-men #1 is a playful introduction to the very beginnings of a new school and all the ways it can go horribly wrong. For it to end with a fucking monster attacking them, I'd say that's pretty much par for the course. And you know what? It's fucking awesome! It's the kind of X-men comic that X-men fans really haven't had in a while. House of M and the Messiah Trilogy really didn't leave a lot of room for the school aspect that the X-men were founded upon. This comic really gets back to basics, taking major characters like Wolverine and Kitty Pryde and building up a new world with a very different backdrop than what has been done in Uncanny. And Jason Aaron make this shit work in ways that are a pleasure to read.

Even with the influx of #1s, it's a mighty tall order to start a new series like this. Wolverine and the X-men #1 strikes all the right chords. It's a fledgling new school being led by a guy who admits he has no understanding of what he's doing. It has a very different tone compared to Uncanny. By being a school the whole concept of Wolverine and the X-men #1 is more playful and upbeat. For some school is a story about innocent youth learning about the world. For me it was like 6 hours of state sanctioned torture, but then again my school wasn't half as awesome as the Jean Grey Institute for Higher Learning. Jason Aaron did more than just set up the school. He hit the ground running, utilizing real world issues like getting approval from the local education department and completely fucked up issues like some homicidal kid unleashing a monster on campus. It's like the yin and yang of awesome. It's hard not to love it.

More than anything else, this comic is just fun. Wolverine and the X-men #1 takes what happens in Schism and pushes it forward. It's as great a first issue as any X-men fan can ask for. It covers all the right bases, sets up all the right details, and provides plenty of reasons to pick up the next issue. Jason Aaron did something amazing with Schism. Now he's poised to do something just as amazing with this series. For this, he deserves all the praise and booze that New York City has to offer. I give Wolverine and the X-men #1 a very spirited 5 out of 5. It's a great day to be an X-men fan! Hell, even if you're not a fan and you're just curious, this is the perfect opportunity to jump aboard! Wolverine and the X-men brings back all those fond memories we all have of a major change in life. That or it just makes you remember how much high school sucked. Nuff said!