Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #9

Every week when I pick up a certain comic, it triggers a flood of strange chemicals in my brain that cannot be induced by anything I find at a pharmacy or a street corner in Tijuana. And when those chemicals are the reaction from a team like the Uncanny Avengers, a team so dysfunctional that they could have their own sitcom on Fox, they can be pretty volatile. These are my thoughts for Uncanny Avengers #9. You might want to wear safety goggles.

Rick Remender was the one who had Wolverine lead a team that shot a kid in the head and drown his own son to death. So I guess it’s only fitting that as the writer of Uncanny Avengers, he take some time out of Havok being a total douche to torment Wolverine about it. It comes in the form of a nightmare lecture by a kid Apocalypse with a bullet in his head, Arcangel, and the dead body of his son, Daken. They’re basically reminding him of how he fucked up. It’s like me having dreams about every time I came to school wearing a Backstreet Boys T-shirt. The kind of horror and mental torture is excruciating, but given how this has led to the Apocalypse Twins I think it’s perfectly appropriate. I’m sure this sort of mind-fuck is nothing Wolverine can’t handle. He can always go back to dreams of Jean Grey in a thong.

After waking up from his nightmare, Wolverine joins Havok and the Scarlet Witch for a verbal whipping by Agent Brand and Maria Hill. It’s not all doom and gloom. They managed to prevent Peak, SWORD’s overpowered space station, from crashing into Rio and completely disrupting the export of bikini wax products. They were also able to describe the big boom over Akabba, courtesy of the Scarlet Witch using her powers for something other than mutant genocide. I guess that counts as progress. But it’s still not clear just what the hell the Apocalypse twins were expecting by trying to crash Rio or blow up a city of loyal followers. They speculate that it was to just gauge their response. If that’s the case, then it’s painfully inefficient. It probably would have been easier to just Google them, but not nearly as destructive. And where’s the fun in that?

The Apocalypse Twins certainly seem to have a taste for fun. They enjoy plenty of non-destructive activities such as being pampered by beautiful women in bikinis with bird masks and exhuming dead bodies. I’m not saying they’re healthy activities, but they perfectly in line with anyone who crashes space stations and triggers nuclear explosions during a hard day’s work.

However, they don’t have much time for hobbies. While the Uncanny Avengers are saving vacation spots, they took the time to fuck with the laws of physics and create a block to prevent Kang the Conqueror from coming from the future. It adds some curious twist to the whole Kang sub-plot, which seems to have been overlooked in the past few issues. But if he’s got a gate preventing him from time traveling, then at least it offers a partial explanation of why we haven’t seen him. It’s not like you can miss a guy who dresses up like an 80s rock band and was rejected by the blue man group.

And their hobby of exhuming dead bodies also has some worth as well, but not in the way necrophiliacs are probably hoping for. The Apocalypse Twins may not look like the Apocalypse we all know and love or even match his same charisma. But there are some family traditions they just have to keep. Apocalypse rarely showed much respect for dead bodies. And rather than just waste them on feeding worms or mounting them on his wall, he found that they could be more useful as horsemen. And since the Apocalypse Twins flat out slaughtered the previous horsemen that were introduced in Uncanny X-Force, they need to fill the void and do it in a way that will maximize X-men and Avenger pwnage.

This finally brings us to Kang the Conqueror, who to this point has been overlooked in this arc. At least now we know why. The Apocalypse Twins are cock-blocking him. But that didn’t stop him from leaving a message for Captain America to find. In the previous issue, he landed in the parts of Sudan where shooting live targets is right up there with masturbation in terms of afternoon activities. It was a mystery as to who left him some strange holographic message. But after what was just revealed, it makes perfect sense that it’s Kang.

His message is pretty basic. The Apocalypse Twins end up becoming the evil overlords that Dr. Doom always failed to be and he tried to stop it by doing what he does best (until Wolverine topped him in Age of UltroN), which is fuck with time. He says seven timelines have been created as a result of the Apocalypse Twins and all of them end with the world having a few extra torn assholes. And since he’s stuck in the future, he’s relying on Captain America and the Uncanny Avengers to save his miserable ass. Makes me wonder why the hell he didn’t kill the twins, but I’m going to assume that would somehow fuck up the time stream even worse. Seriously, what doesn’t fuck it up these days? He even offers Cap a weapon, but that ends up being shot to shit thanks to a few Sudan rebels. You can always count on gun-toting militia-men to make shit worse, no matter what universe you’re in.

The battle against the Apocalypse Twins looks to be pretty awesome, but there’s another battle brewing within the team and it involves two beautiful women. In that sense, it’s almost every bit as awesome. It involves Rogue and the Scarlett Witch. It also involves Havok’s controversial speech where he turned the word “mutant” into a racial slur that could get the Don Imuses of the world fired. Much has been said by politically correct fanboys with too much free time and Rick Remender has generally told them to fuck off. I get the sense that with this conversation between Rogue and the Scarlett Witch, he’s throwing in a few extra middle fingers.

The debate is actually pretty intense and engaging. Usually, scenes that just involve characters talking tend be boring. But this shit was almost as intense as an arm wrestling match between the Hulk and Superman. Rogue thinks his idea is bullshit and asking mutants to dissociate with their M-label is like asking a gay man not flaunt the fact that he never has to deal with buying tampons for his spouse. But the Scarlett Witch sees it another way. The labels associated with being a mutant only breed more fear and stereotypes. It’s amazing how valid each of their points are, so much so that I struggle to imagine them wrestling naked in a pool of baby oil. It makes for a great debate and a scene that really escalates the conflict over how the Uncanny Avengers handle their whole mission about bridging the gap between humans and mutants. It’s the kind of juicy moments that you only used to see in Rick Remender’s Uncanny X-Force, but it’s every bit as awesome here.

The heated debates continue beyond labels and stereotypes. Just as Wolverine was facing his nightmares early on in the issue, he now has to finally come clean to the rest of the team about what happened with Angel and X-Force. He basically has to admit that he led a mission where a child got shot in the head and Angel was basically killed and reborn a brain-damaged hippie. Those are some pretty fucked up crimes, especially for an Avenger.

The reaction of the team here is spot on. Captain America sure is pissed. So is Wasp. And why the fuck should they be? Were they not aware that Wolverine had a nasty habit of killing people before he joined the team? I mean fuck, it’s not like it’s a secret the NSA has to uncover through stolen emails. He flat out admits to the team that he’s a killer and he did what he had to do. But not everyone is disgusted. Thor comes clean and says that a lot of this shit with the Apocalypse twins was his fault too because of that glorified bar brawl between him and Apocalypse that was shown a few issues back. Again, it’s a scene with little action, but Remender finds a way to make the dialog every bit as entertaining as 1,000 battles against killer robots.

Once again, the Uncanny Avengers are about as coherent and organized as Congress during happy hour. It actually provides a compelling reason for why the X-men and the Avengers didn’t team up sooner. They probably would have slaughtered each other by now if they had. But Havok, being the leader and the top douche, tries to keep his team together. He basically tries to do what his brother was so good at doing, minus the hot redhead or blonde he’s boning. He points out that they’re playing right into the hands of the Apocalypse Twins and he’s right. They’re doing plenty to help them. But the prospect of them working together to take on this threat looks about as promising as Nicholas Cage’s last Ghost Rider movie.

And who do these embittered X-men and Avengers have to face in order to beat the Apocalypse Twins? Well, after desecrating a few graves and the Apocalypse Twins now have their horsemen. And who will rise up and further torment this team that makes the Oakland Raiders look competent? How about Daken, Sentry, Banshee, and Grim Reaper? All are dead Marvel characters and now they’re back, evil, and ready to take on a team that can’t seem to stop bitching and moaning with each other. It’s about as fair a fight as pitting sick puppy against a chainsaw-wielding Michael Vick on crystal meth. Hell, you could put it on pay-per-view and I would still watch it with a raging boner.

These are my thoughts about Uncanny Avengers #9. All you need to know is that this comic is finally becoming as awesome as it was hyped to be. It has taken a while, but everything that made Uncanny X-Force so awesome has translated to Uncanny Avengers. Nuff said!

All New X-men #8 - Awesome On Wings

I’ve always been a fan of painfully unpleasant truths. It may sound strange, especially when some of those unpleasant truths involve your girlfriend telling you about a strange rash her gynecologist found during her last appointment. But the way I see it, I already give the finger to reality by reading awesome comic books and getting drunk. I don’t need to stick my head in a deep fryer and scream at the top of my lungs like a creationist at the Smithsonian whenever I’m confronted with an unpleasant truth. If it really is bad in the sense that my days of having an intact asshole are numbered, then I just consider that a great excuse to go out and get drunk. And you know we can never have too many of those!

In that sense I almost envy the Original Five X-men in the pages of All New X-men because they’ve encountered so many unpleasant truths since they showed up that the President of the United States should temporarily nullify the legal drinking age so they can go out and get pissed-faced drunk Led Zepplin style. Jean Grey found out she’s dead and her family was slaughtered. Beast found out that he grew up into a winey little bitch that looks like a rejected mascot for the Chicago Bears. Cyclops found out he’s asshole fugitive who killed Charles Xavier. And Iceman found out that he still hasn’t done jack shit to become any more than a walking beer cooler. So while the future may not be apocalyptic in that killer robots that look like Arnold Schwarzenegger aren’t hunting mutants, they still end up fucked.

But one unpleasant truth that has been tactfully avoided in All New X-men thus far is the fate of Angel. O5 Angel himself pointed out that nobody seems keen on telling him what the hell happened to his older self. Any X-men fan who has been following the X-books closely for the past year knows why everyone is being so polite about it. They don’t want to be the ones to tell O5 Angel, “Sorry kid, but you had your wings cut off and you joined an ancient mutant tyrant named Apocalypse, who you ended up becoming. Not only that, you had your entire mind completely wiped clean so that the guy you were is practically dead. Also, you once had a hot Asian chick for a girlfriend and now you’ve lost both her and the memory of what she looked like naked.” That’s pretty damn harsh, especially for a teenager who is rich and used to being able to buy his way out of shitty situations.

The previous issue of All New X-men focused primarily on O5 Cyclops getting a pep talk from Mystique while the others began their training with Kitty Pryde. It made for many powerful moments where O5 Cyclops confronted the unpleasant truth about the asshole he had become. Brian Michael Bendis captured all the drama and emotions of that realization perfectly. But in between the pages of this drama, he had O5 Angel meet up with his future self. They didn’t confront any painful truths. All Angel did was give his past self a hug in what may be the most uncomfortable moment a teenage boy could face that doesn’t involve a Catholic priest. O5 Angel is still anxiously curious, but the truth still hasn’t come out. And since this book is making a habit out of revealing uncomfortable truths, I think O5 Angel and O5 Cyclops are going to need several metric tons of Jack Daniels when they learn all the horrible details. I would pick up the tab if I could, but I’m content to see Bendis squeeze more drama from it.

All New X-men #8 is ripe with plenty of discomfort from the get go. O5 Angel isn’t exactly enjoying the flight with his future self. He tagged along in the previous issue in hopes of finding out why he’s more goofed up than a bleach blond cheerleader high on laughing gas. His future counterpart tries to explain, but does a piss poor job or doesn’t try very hard. It’s difficult to tell. But O5 Angel knows some crazy shit happened to him because his future self has metal wings and keeps referring to himself in the third person and not in the typical douchy David Hasselhoff way. But maybe I’m being too harsh. Does Angel even fully understand how much he was fucked up by the events of the Dark Angel Saga? He seems to know that his whole live was erased, but gives surprisingly few fucks about it.

O5 Angel keeps pressing for more information from his air-headed future self, but their otherwise horribly awkward flight is interrupted by a commotion at the Avengers tower. For reasons that I suspect involve alcohol and a bad batch of blow, Hydra decided to attack the Avengers Tower. I’m sure there are easier ways to spend a lazy afternoon, but I guess Hydra doesn’t have an X-box or internet porn. Any other questions O5 Angel had for his future self are put on hold so they can play hero.

Now I was initially tempted to rant a bit on how random the Hydra attack is. Because on the surface it really is one of the most bland threats the Marvel universe can slap into a comic without using killer robots. And it is contrived in that this attack takes place just as Angel and his O5 counterpart are flying over New York and having one of the most awkward conversations in history. And maybe it’s the watered down whiskey I bought on sale, but I don’t have too big a problem with it because it does serve a purpose. In some ways, that has to be somewhat reassuring. Even if he is a brain-dead blond who belongs on a reality show, Angel is still a hero and Hydra are your standard punching bags.

The action that follows is fairly standard, yet nicely detailed. O5 Angel’s inexperience shows in how he’s not exactly John McClane in taking on Hydra. Hell, the most badass thing he does is point out how retarded it is to just attack the front door of your hated enemy in broad daylight. But he’s still a teenager with very limited hero experience whereas his future self may be brain damaged, but he’s got metal wings. And metal wings are both useful and badass in fighting Hydra.

Again, it may seem bland on the surface, but the battle is refreshing in another way. It is actually the first dose of action that this series has had in quite a while. All New X-men hasn’t exactly been a battle royale since it started. It wasn’t touted to be one either. The past few issues have focused primarily on the O5 trying to get over how fucked up they are in the future. And since Marvel doesn’t like going too many issues without attacks by killer robots and Nazi wannabes, it’s both refreshing and fitting.

However, O5 Angel’s inexperience and overall whiny bitchiness catches up to him. Hydra may be glorified target practice in the Marvel universe, but even the dumbest drunk occasionally lands a punch. One of Hydra’s killer robot mechs manages to wound O5 Angel and since his future self clearly saw Back to the Future, he knows the consequences of his younger self dying and of trying to fuck his own mother. So he manages to stop being a walking blond joke and help out his younger self. This, of course, makes them more vulnerable to Hydra’s onslaught, but like Nazis in real life you can usually expect Hydra to fuck up every opportunity that comes their way.

Even if they don’t fuck up their opportunity, luck and karma eventually do them in. Even Hydra should have realized that it was only a matter of time before the Avengers figured out that someone was attacking their home. Given how protective Tony Stark is about his booze or Hawkeye is about his porno stash, they eventually show up in full force and proceed to beat the everloving shit out of them until their next head takes its place. It’s all over pretty damn quickly, but an attack by Hydra is basically a typical Tuesday for the Avengers. I imagine seeing a time displaced Angel is something that probably only happens once every couple of months.

Since disruptions to the space-time continuum are kind of a big deal if you want to keep a universe intact, the Avengers pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute where Captain America has a little chat with Beast. And by chat just assume that means “What the fuck were you thinking and/or smoking?!” We have to assume that because we don’t actually hear what they’re saying. It’s all happening in the background and instead we’re given the cliff notes by Iceman and Kitty Pryde. Granted, these cliff notes are probably less boring than Cap and Beast arguing the ethics of time travel. But they’re not all that memorable either. It’s a nice way for Bendis to maintain the tone of the series. However, it does somewhat distract from the real issue of the Avengers finding out that there time-displaced X-men among them.

But it isn’t the case that Beast convinces Captain America that he was right and/or sober when he brought the O5 to the present. After a few childish insights from Iceman and Kitty Pryde, O5 Cyclops actually enters the picture and addresses Captain America. And he does so with more maturity than a teenager is supposed to have. But this makes perfect sense in the context of the previous issue where Cyclops got a pep talk from Mystique and committed to making things right. And in order to do that in a future where the Avengers have a billion dollar movie, he needed the blessing of Captain America and that’s exactly what he got.

While this is perfectly fitting, it doesn’t really leave much impact. Once O5 Cyclops makes his plea, the Avengers just up and leave. Nothing else is said. No other concerns are stated. They’re just “You think you can handle this without fucking up the time stream beyond repair? Sounds okay to me! It can’t be any more dangerous than claiming a cosmic force is going to kick start the mutant race now can it?” Given how much more cohesive the Marvel universe has become since Avengers vs. X-men, it makes perfect sense that the Avengers would find out about the O5 at some point. But here it just seems like they shrug their shoulders and go back to hunting down Hydra. It seems like a missed opportunity and a relatively glossed over moment, but at least Bendis actually addressed it. There are too many writers who would probably take the “Let’s not and say we did" approach.

But one person who isn’t satisfied with being in the present of O5 Angel. Unlike his fellow X-men, he voted not to stay in the future a few issues ago. And after seeing how fucked up his future self is, he’s officially had enough. So in a wonderfully crafted outburst of teenage drama, he storms off and attempts to use the time machine that brought them to the future to take him back to the past. His teammates argue with him, informing him that Professor Xavier would probably just wipe his mind. And he’s perfectly okay with that too because like the handcuffs and anal beads you find in your mothers room, it’s probably better not knowing.

It’s another prime example of Brian Michael Bendis capturing emotion and drama in a story. This is the life-blood in All New X-men and O5 Angel displays it very nicely here. In the same way he captured the emotions of O5 Cyclops, he did the same here with O5 Angel. In addition, he showed a completely different perspective to the others. Angel was so upset by his future that he was inclined to ditch the X-men completely. That shows that while the team is committed to staying in the future, they are not united in the slightest. Hell, they might as well be the Oakland Raiders.

As emotional as Angel’s rant is, he’s cut short in a very strange and sudden way. One moment he’s intent on going back to the past. The next he wants to know what’s for lunch. It’s a huge WTF moment at first until you find out the source of it. It’s name is Jean Grey and even as a teenager she has a nice rack. In a very un-Jean like moment, she mind-fucks her friend and someone she had the hots for in the early days of Uncanny X-men. She basically “calmed him down” as she said it, but probably only because “mind fuck” hasn’t entered her vocabulary just yet. But if this is a sign, it’s a word she probably ought to learn.

It makes for a powerful and ominous ending. Jean Grey just mind-fucked one of her teammates and everyone is looking at her like she just bit the head off of a chicken and spit down its neck. She claims to be in control, but only in the same way Iran claims to be a peaceful, non-nuclear nation. It’s ominous because that’s the same mentality that Jean Grey had when she died during the latter portion of Grant Morrison’s New X-men run. Has gaining telepathy really changed Jean Grey that much from the lovable teenager we know so well? It’s hard to say, but until she starts dressing in skin-tight leather pants we can only speculate!

Unless you’re a sociopath, a Nazi, or a registered Republican it’s perfectly natural to have sympathy for whoever is the most screwed over in a story. In a series like All New X-men, there’s an abundance of screwing for multiple characters. Brian Michael Bendis has been taking his time to explore the screwing of every character. He nearly killed Beast. He showed Jean Grey reacting to her multiple deaths and that of her family. And he exposed teenage Cyclops to a world where he’s a wanted fugitive and magazines cost five bucks a pop. This issue felt like a natural progression in how the Original Five X-men are dealing with this fucked up future that doesn’t involve killer robots ruling the world. More importantly, it continued the emotional and dramatic tone that has helped make this book that is both entertaining and something you can give your girlfriend without her bitching about how all the women have big boobs. That’s not to say she won’t find something else to bitch about, but at least this comic doesn’t make it easy for her.

But it wasn’t just progression that made this comic awesome. One thing that this issue had that previous issues didn’t was significant action. It wasn’t just Cyclops shooting Wolverine again. As much fun as that is, a battle against Hydra is almost as classic. Yes, it was somewhat random. But it was a nice way to get the Avengers involved. They had to notice at some point that someone had been fucking with the space-time continuum and for once it wasn’t Dr. Doom. It’s probably best they find out after a battle with Hydra instead of seeing it on Youtube in between cat videos and the Harlem Shake. And it didn’t just provide some mindless brutality, which I would argue was badly needed for this series. It showed just how uncomfortable O5 Angel was in this future and how goofy future Angel really is.

It was O5 Angel that made this issue compelling in the same way O5 Cyclops made the previous issue so compelling. Unlike his teammates, he wants no part in this future and has no desire to change it. Like so many other rich people, he’s content to live in a fantasy world where lower taxes reduces the national debt and where his older self doesn’t have the mental capacity of a brain damaged Paris Hilton. He’s been musing over this for multiple issues, which helps add to the tight continuity that Bendis has managed so well since this series began. Now it has finally overwhelmed him and it took Jean Grey to unclench his asshole and not in the fun way either.

This lack of impact is the only real sticking point of All New X-men #8. Everything else from the artwork to the dialog to the action scenes continued to meet the already high standards that Bendis has established. If this series were a porn star, it would be a young Jenna Jameson just after she got her first boob job. In that same sense All New X-men has all the tools it needs to bring joy to the readers without as much lube or tissues. And so long as Brian Michael Bendis keeps meeting such high standards, there will be plenty of awesome (and boners) to go around. I give All New X-men #8 a 4.5 out of 5. If you’re an emotional person with a heart condition, you may want to stay away from this comic in the same way you want to stay away from boner pills. Otherwise, this is probably the best X-men comic if not the best Marvel comic on the racks right now. And like a young Jenna Jameson, you want to enjoy it before it becomes jaded and hooked on prescription pain killers. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #26 - Bloody Mind Fuck Awesome

Even the most hardened of souls have their limit to the amount of bullshit they can endure. We all like to think we're tough like the comic book characters we respect. In reality, if we were put in the same situations that Wolverine faces every other Tuesday we would all piss our pants and cry like babies. But even in a fictional reality, people have limits. Even mediocre writers understand that if you put a character through enough crap, they're going to come out stinking and that stench is going to get to them at some point. If it doesn't, they're either not human, a sociopath, or a douche-bag.

Rick Remender is far more than just a mediocre writer. He's been the driving force behind the awesome that has been Uncanny X-Force. From the very beginning, he's told a story about characters being put in situations that strains sanity almost as much as it strains bodies. There has been child murder, cannibalism, Nazi hunting, and women sleeping with Fantomex. You couldn't get much more insanity without giving Tom Cruise and Michael Bay a metric ton of crystal meth and $200 million to make a movie. It's become it's own grim and gritty pocket of the X-men universe. It hasn't really tied into the main events of the comics like Avengers vs. X-men, although sometimes to shit they cause stinks up in other books like Uncanny X-men (and in a good way mind you). But this grim and gritty world has taken a serious toll on the characters and recently some have started to crack.

It started with the end of the Dark Angel Saga. Psylocke lost the man she loved, had to kill her brother, and fucked Fantomex. She's basically one crashed Porsche away from being Lindsey Lohan. In Uncanny X-Force #25, she flat out quit the team just as Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler were investigating a new threat in the Omega Clan. It was a dick move, but not to be outdone Fantomex quit as well. It has left X-Force's manpower dangerously depleted and on top of that, Deadpool doesn't have his healing factor anymore (see the Deadpool ongoing to find out why. It's as fucked up as you think it is). They're basically fucked before they even go on this mission and it shows. And what about Fantomex? Well he's doing what you would expect any phony French douche-bag would do. He's throwing a sexy party in Paris and lamenting over the sweet feeling of Psylocke's pussy that he misses so much. It's as pathetic as it sounds.

All that musing hides the fact that he flat out abandoned X-Force the moment Psylocke decided losing the man she loved, her brother, and her sanity was just too much. All it took from him is losing the money and the opportunity for hot ninja pussy. It's a pretty low threshold, but one I can fully understand. His inner monologue makes it sound like he's over her, but he clearly misses seeing her naked. So when she abruptly shows up in the middle of his den of decadence wanting to talk, he tells all the hookers, frat boys, and sex tourists to get the fuck out. He simply cannot have any distractions when he's seeking hot ninja pussy.

For Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler, ninja pussy is only the fifth thing on their mind at the moment. In the previous issue they decided to charge head first into a new upstart company, White Sky. Now this isn't one of those bullshit dot com companies that butt fucked the stock market back in 2000. This is a company that creates powerful assassins from the DNA of Omega Red. But to give this twisted business plan it's own unique brand worthy of Pepsi, they essentially mind-fuck their soulless creations into having a personal vendetta against the target. So they basically pursue you with the same tenacity as a jealous ex-boyfriend whose girlfriend you fucked over the hood of his car. Already undermanned, Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler put up a piss poor fight. The Omega Clan isn't just content with killing their asses. Like anyone with a vendetta, they want to see them suffer. So using Omega Red's powers, they poison AOA Nightcrawler so that he ages more rapidly than Bill O'Riley's neck and Wolverine so he becomes a bloated fatass. I'm not sure that's really poison. You can get the same thing from living in a McDonalds, but the Omega Clan makes sure it's painful and humiliating because that is White Sky's motto after all.

While Wolverine and AOA Nightcrawler are suffering horribly, the students back at the Jean Grey Institute are enjoying an impromtu field trip. It's rare when Uncanny X-Force meets up with other elements of the X-books, but since they were the ones that brought Genesis to the Institute it makes sense that they would somehow show up. As Beast and Kitty are leading them on a trip through the mass grave that is Genosha, it also makes sense that they're being watched by a creepy shadowy figure. And not creepy in the way some men like to hide cameras in the toilets of the women's bathroom. Creepy as in the kind of guy that rubs elbows with Ahmul Farok, aka Shadowking. For whatever reason, his fat ass isn't a spirit anymore and he's sipping a martini while Mr. Shadowy drools and presumably jerks off to his little reality show. He also mentions a new Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Because if Wolverine is going to form his own secret kill squad, why shouldn't someone else get in on the action? It's mysterious because it's not clear who the shadowy guy is. It's also painfully ironic because in trying to be proactive by killing threats before they begin, Wolverine is giving his long list of enemies a reason to form their own kill squad. He's not going to say Cyclops was right, but it looks like he'll have to go back to just hating his guts for fucking Jean Grey.

Speaking of fucking, I remember how I did my share of irate ranting when Psylocke boned Fantomex. I'm a guy who will suck spilled whiskey out of an ashtray that a bum spit in, but even I find that unholy union disgusting. It's not just that Fantomex is a douche-bag. It's that he's a douche-bag that actively undermined Psylocke's relationship with Arcangel before he went crazy. And Psylocke sleeping with him just reinforced the kind of douche-bagger that drives 99 percent of all sociopaths and 100 percent of all politicians. So when we revisit Fantomex and Psylocke in Paris and they're in their underwear, I'm more than prepared to take a few shots of Jack Daniels and start ranting again. However, Rick Remender throws in a twist that makes me put down the booze, pick up a bottle of lube, and prepare to remove the semen stains from my sweaters.

That Psylocke that just wanted to talk and swap body fluids...that wasn't Psylocke. It turns out that woman that just smothered Fantomex's phony French cock was none other than everyone's favorite shape-shifting bitch, Mystique. She was dead for a while, but unlike another certain woman with red hair and green eyes she came back in a recent arc of the Wolverine solo series. As such, she's looking to fuck up Wolverine's world and squeeze in a little cock-teasing on the side. I'm pretty sure Fantomex doesn't mind, but when she pulls a gun and starts shooting at him I'm sure that either kills the mood or makes him hornier. It's hard to tell. But the mere presence of Mystique is a true joy. She's been a longtime favorite of mine and someone who is right at home in the pages of X-Force, boning wannabe Frenchmen and then trying to kill them. Hell, that's the shit Mystique does on a Thursday when she's bored!

But as thrilled as I am to see Mystique show up, I'm still curious about Psylocke. I tend to worry about beautiful psychic ninjas. I'm just that kind of guy. It turns out she was nowhere near Paris when this shit started going down. She was in Manhattan. Along the way she has some nice inner monologue about how she enjoyed hurting Fantomex by boning him. I'm not sure the logic behind it, but when it comes from the mind of a hot ninja chick it's all the more satisfying. Most importantly, it means she's not boning Fantomex more than she has to and let's face it. Her character doesn't need that and Fantomex's douche-baggery shouldn't be awarded with ninja pussy.

But why is she in Manhattan? Well, she returns home to confront another startling twist that isn't quite as startling. Professor Xavier and Angel are there waiting for her. And for reasons not entirely explained, they're both cured. Xavier is no longer the absent douche who has pretty much left the X-men to their own devices while he deals with his Schizophrenic son. Angel appears to have his memories back after an issue of Wolverine and the X-men made it clear that there were none left to regain. Plus, Xavier's in a wheelchair again. What the fuck gives? Okay, so it's pretty obvious that there's some mind-fucking going on. It's just not obvious who or what is behind it. It could be Shadowking since he showed up earlier. Or it could be the shadowy figure, presumably after he finished jerking off to the image of Mystique trying to kill Fantomex (don't pretend you wouldn't either). He's certainly being extra cruel with Psylocke, saying her mind must be erased for all the shit she's done lately. That assures the reader that this is some sort of psychic farce, but the details here are really lacking and it's definitely a bit confusing if you read this with some bad weed.

Pretty much every member of X-Force is getting mind-fucked or just fucked in some instances. The only break they get comes when Wolverine uses his claws to slice open his overbloated gut to bleed out the poison. It's Uncanny X-Force. You can't tell me that shit surprises you in a book that shows kids getting shot in the head. This allows him and Deadpool to grab the rapidly aged AOA Nightcrawler and teleport out. Deadpool also managed to use White Sky's own toys against them and create his own special assassin. He looks like a guy who puts too much effort into a Renaissance fair, but he gets the job done. It helps them get away, but it doesn't help Fantomex overcome the wrath of Mystique after she's had a nice hate fuck or whatever is attacking Psylocke. It's still a bit chaotic because it's not clear how all this shit fits together, but when it involves Mystique fighting in her underwear you know it's something you gotta see.

There's only so much deception and tricks that a mind as damaged (and stoned) as mine can take. Whatever that threshold is, this issue didn't cross it even if it did flirt with it. Uncanny X-Force has always been special in it's ability to play on the perceptions of the reader and throw in some awesome twists. When that twist takes the form of Mystique, there's no way around it. The bar has been raised motherfucker. He's already had a kid get shot, he's had Fantomex's face cut off, and he's had Psylocke bone Fantomex. What more could he do? Every week I keep contemplating a way for Rick Remender to surprise readers with this series. And no matter how much weed I smoke or LSD I drop, my damaged mind fails to predict such awesome. Never before has such failure been so satisfying. The arrival of Mystique, the emergence of a new Brotherhood of Mutants, the appearance of the Jean Grey Institute crowd, and the return of Shadowking makes for an embarrassment of riches that if Marvel didn't own the copyright then Donald Trump would build a shitty hotel on top of it.

The only downside to all these mind fucks if you can call it that is it gets a little chaotic at times. As awesome as all these elements are, they don't fit together as perfectly as they could. Rick Remender left a bit too much to the imagination at times and didn't always fill in the details. But those missing details are so minor that I doubt anyone who doesn't take a hit of acid will notice. Remender's brand of storytelling usually gets a little chaotic at various points. It always comes together in the end, but there's usually a point in the middle where it can be a bit hard to follow. I get the sense that this is that point in this particular arc and given Remender's track record, it's not overly optimistic to expect this shit to come together in the end.

Even though Uncanny X-Force hasn't played a part in Avengers vs. X-men, it is still one of the top X-books on the market. It's a series that exists in it's own little world of awesome and Rick Remender shows with this issue that this same little world can be pretty deceptive. And I'm not talking about deceptive in the way that skanky looking chick at the bar who asks for your credit card information before she shows you her tits (I can't be the only guy who has fallen for that). It's deceptive in the sense that it's mysterious and intriguing. And of course there's the blood. Can't forget about the blood! That's Uncanny X-Force and this issue embodies all of that. For this and other reasons that aren't so deceptive, I give Uncanny X-Force #26 a 4.5 out of 5. With so much going on in this series, it's easy for anyone with a soft spot for secret kill squads to enjoy. It also has Mystique fucking Fantomex before she kicks his ass. What more do can you ask for without dipping it in chocolate? Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #8 - Disorganized Awesome

I don't consider myself overly neurotic when it comes to cleanliness. In fact, if you saw my old dorm room you might be compelled the call the CDC out of fear from the biohazard caused by various foods, exotic substances, and several unidentified stains on the bedsheets that science has yet to identify. But when it comes to comics, I can be a bit OCD at times. Few things prick my nutsack more than loose ends, incoherent plots, and poorly resolved stories. The way I see it, if you're going to tell a story you might as well do your best to cover all your basis. I don't expect every writer to make every aspect of a story perfect. My standards for comics aren't quite as high for my standards for weed. However, I like to sense that the writers and the editors that sign their paychecks make a concerted effort.

For the most part, I haven't had to worry about Kieron Gillen leaving too many gaping holes in his stories. He's usually pretty damn good about making his stories more refined. They're like the Dom Perignon of comics minus the douche-bag connotations. There's an inherent quality to his books that make it worth the $3.99 price that so many fanboys bitch about. The Tabula Rasa arc has been no exception. Gillen has crafted a very unique and very compelling arc thus far with this world that spun right out of the pages of Uncanny X-Force. He's built his story around an entirely new world and taken the time to flesh out entirely new races like the Apex. He even introduced the concept of the unwife, something I'm sure Larry King already coined in his head. The battle between Good Apex and Bad Apex led to a struggle that involved Celestial energy and the potential for mass extinction in this picturesque pocket world. It all promises to come together in this final issue. Does it meet Gillen's refine standards? Well if you already knew, you wouldn't need my drunken ass on this blog now would you?

This issue picks up right after the previous issue in one of the smoother transitions you'll see in a comic book. Good Apex and the X-men were able to defeat Bad Apex, or so it seemed. However, they have another nasty problem to deal with. Apparently, being stuck in a time loop for millions of years kind of fucked up the biology in this world. So when time finally became unfucked, it started fucking up said biology. Good Apex and Cyclops surmise that every living thing on this world is about to die of cancer. In terms of going extinct, it's a damn shitty way to go. It's like fighter pilot choking to death on bird shit. It's an inglorious way to go.

This shit storm with the Apex has now taken up a full issue and a few pages extra. So you would be completely forgiven if you forgot that there was another plot with Namor and Hope still unfolding in the waters of Tabula Rasa. That or you have the same weed dealer as I do, in which case you're lucky to remember your left ass cheek from your thumb. But yes, there was a story that unfolded over an issue ago. Hope and Namor took to the seas of Tabula Rasa in search of trapped civilians and answers. What they ended up finding was an undersea kingdom that Namor wasn't king over. So it's understandable that he would be a little pissed off, but while Namor's ego is bigger than the Andromeda galaxy he is capable of being diplomatic. He and Hope eventually encounter the queen of Tabula Rasa's undersea world. She looks like the Little Mermaid fucked Predator and has a body covered in miniature boobs. It's disgusting in some ways, yet oddly arousing in others. What? You never jerked off to a couple of cockroaches fucking? Namor gets it. He puts on his kingly charm and decides to negotiate with the queen (probably with his penis). This leaves Hope behind with the guards, her teenage hormones leaving her more confused than ever.

In addition to the plot with Hope and Namor, there was another side story going on with Colossus and Magik. It was about as developed as a ten-year-old's understanding of quantum physics, but it involved Illyana getting captured by some of Tabula Rasa's friendly animals. It's kind of like Rule 34. If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions. Well this is like Rule 35. If a cute blonde is in a comic, she will become the target of horrific monsters. No exception. Colossus doesn't take kindly to this rule so he decides to attack. The potential for blood and carnage here is great...except it doesn't happen. That's right. It happens off panel. This wonderful backdrop that could have had Colossus crushing Tabula Rasa's pets is completely left to the readers' imagination. Really? Marvel, maybe you didn't know, but we fans pay you to imagine this shit for us and bring it to life! We use our imagination enough as it is and masturbate to 90 percent of it. Please don't insult our intelligence and our pocketbooks.

Speaking of masturbation fantasies, the plot with Hope and Namor is resolved as quickly and unceremoniously as the battle with Colossus and Tabula Rasa's friendly pack of animals. Once again, we're left with no details. We just find out that Namor found a way to bang some undersea queen that looks like a bug that got into Barry Bonds's medicine cabinet. Is it disturbing? Well, it's not the most deranged sex scene in the history of comics. Not by a long shot (Superman and Big Barda take that title). But it is fucked up and it has the added effect of solving absolutely nothing. So it creates a partnership with Atlantis. That's all well and good, but what the fuck does it have to do with the story surrounding Tabula Rasa and the Apex? I'll give you a hint. It has the same value as Michelle Bauchman's credibility on gay rights. Absolutely zilch.

The story with Colossus and Illyana doesn't end much better. Colossus is done crushing all the creatures that were probably going to lay their eggs in Illyana's brain. In doing so he starts transforming into a monster himself. If WTFs are starting to spew out of your mouth and anus, don't worry. That just shows you're normal (but you should probably still see a proctologist). Illyana says that's just Cytorakk fucking with him. I say that's a fucked up, poorly constructed plot that could have easily been replaced by a page of Colossus beating the shit out of monsters. I get that Colossus was struggling with his new power earlier. What I don't get is why the story has to pan out like this.

This is a pretty jarring and disappointing way to handle these plots. I criticized Gillen for not addressing these side-stories he developed in the last issue. This issue seems to indicate that those stories were completely meaningless. They contributed absolutely nothing to the battle against Bad Apex. They contributed nothing to the conflict unfolding on Tabula Rasa. They contributed nothing to rescuing the civilians. In other words, they were a complete waste of time. I expect that from some comic writers, but not Kieron Gillen. Uncanny has made every drop of ink count to this point and these two plots do nothing except make me wish my car ran on WTF rather than imported gasoline from the Middle East.

By the time shit finally does get back to the Apex story, the WTF fades and boredom sets in. Off panel, the X-men and Good Apex meet up with the civilians that Good Apex gathered a couple issues ago. They're all understandably pissed off. But for once, this plot actually does tie into some of the larger elements surrounding this story. Tabula Rasa didn't just poof out of thin air. It was built by Arcangel over the ruins of a simple Montana town that he blew up with an atomic bomb. Some of these civilians were looking for family or survivors. Well, Psylocke (who was part of the whole Dark Angel shit that the rest of the team doesn't know about) tells them they got trapped in this crazy world for nothing. Those people are dead and Tabula Rasa is still being cooked by the sun. There's no sign of Bad Apex, but Good Apex still has a desire to protect his world. The creatures that Bad Apex harassed earlier want to do so as well. So what are they going to do?

Cue a shitty scene transition where all the action happens off panel. With no more battles against Bad Apex or any battles of any kind, shit just works itself out. The X-men somehow convince SHIELD and SWORD to construct a massive dome over Tabula Rasa and do it quick enough to prevent the world from being cancer-stricken by the sun. It's as practical as it is inane. I get that the Marvel universe is a place where traditional rules and regulations don't apply, but considering we can't drill for oil in uninhabited wastelands in Alaska because it might upset some Caribou and you can't erect a giant dick in your backyard without violating some fucked up zoning regulations I find it insanely fucked that a dome like this can be constructed. Even in a comic book, the mere fact that this shit happens without conflict or anything blowing up is a complete farce. It comes off as Gillen just trying to end this story and end it quickly.

While it is pretty lame, it does tie up all the loose ends. Gillen can't be faulted for ignoring every last detail. He also can't be faulted for making the interactions between the characters refined and entertaining. First, we see Hope hitting on Namor one last time. He makes clear that while he'll bone a queen that's not even his genus, he has no interest in entertaining her teenage hormones. He seems to despise redheads almost as much as Emma Frost. Speaking of which, we actually get a chance to catch up with her and see that the arm she lost in the last arc was being re-attached thanks to advanced medical gear on Utopia. So she wasn't completely forgotten. That and Good Apex has a nice little conversation with Cyclops and Storm, which helps really highlight how Good Apex is different from his unwife. He's a unique character with some unique perspectives and the way Gillen writes him should leave some hopeful that he shows up again in future stories.

Another nice character moment involves Psylocke and Magneto. One of the other minor details that Gillen didn't overlook was that in an earlier issue, there were traces of X-Force's handiwork on Tabula Rasa. Traces that would have raised a few eyebrows if Cyclops had seen it. Seeing as how disbanded X-Force and Wolverine kept it going, that would be more awkward than walking in on your sister when she's shaving her snatch. But Magneto revealed that he destroyed those traces. He's among the few who uncovered X-Force's existence before Schism, but he's kept it a secret much to Psylocke's chagrin. It makes for a rather telling moment where they talk about what side they're on and what they owe each other. It's more tense than a picnic in the West Bank and helps remind the readers that conflicts in other books still affect Uncanny in a way that is not to be ignored.

Kieron Gillen came into Uncanny X-men when the standards were mediocre at best and questionable at worst. Matt Fraction's inconsistency left room for improvement and I'll bet all the weed in Amsterdam that Kieron Gillen effectively raised the bar for those standards. I praise him not because I think British guys are more creative and faking their accents is a great pussy magnet. He earns every bit of praise I give him with his writing. So it's with a heavy heart and a shitty liver I say I'm a bit disappointed with him here.

The Tabula Rasa arc has been very well done to this point. The premise was perfect. It took the events of the Dark Angel Saga, left room for conflict that X-Force hadn't resolved, and put the Extinction team in the line of fire. The past few issues have done a great job of setting up the challenges. You have things like an Iron Man ripoff that uses the Old Testament as inspiration for how a god should act and Cyclops being swallowed up and pooped out by an island. Gillen went into great detail describing who the Apex were and what they were and what they were up against. It led to some amazing action, especially in the previous issue that involved such creative acts as Danger becoming Good Apex's unofficial Boba Fett costume. That action promised to culminate in this issue, but it didn't.

I'll concede that most of the loose ends were tied up. The side-plots that were ignored in the previous issues were addressed here. The threat posed by Tabula Rasa and the missing people who stumbled ass backwards into this Jurassic Park wannabe were saved. Even the inconvenient truth about this world being built over the ashes of a town that was wiped out by a nuclear blast was addressed. The problem was how poorly it all fit together. The conflicts with Hope and Namor as well as the little excursion with Magik and Colossus had pretty much no bearing whatsoever on what was going on with Apex. They might as well have gone off to smoke weed and jerk off to imported Russian porn. It would not have changed the outcome of the Tabula Rasa conflict one bit and probably would have been more entertaining. Even if it did involve some kinky inter-species sex with Namor and the queen, what did it really do for the story other than give mentally damaged perverts something else to masturbate to? For some writers, this may fly. For Kieron Gillen and the standards he set with his first arc, it's a turd on top of a stack of expensive caviar.

This issue wasn't bad. There were some nice interactions, Namor's inter-species boning notwithstanding. The moment with Magneto and Psylocke was especially well done. Tabula Rasa has the potential to be the new Savage Land for the Marvel universe. However, this conflict that Gillen did such a good job of setting up didn't even end with a whimper. It ended with a wet fart. There were no connections and the action was limited to inter-species porn and Colossus crushing oversized cockroaches. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make for a very compelling entry into Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men legacy. So in an act that's going to require an extra shot of tequila, I give Uncanny X-men #8 a 2.5 out of 5. I can't give it too low a score because Gillen did tie up most if not all the loose ends. He just didn't do it with his usual flare. He still has my full confidence. But comics this discombobulated will turn fans off faster than an economics lecture. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #7 - Evolutionary Conflicts (of Awesome)

The most I know about evolutionary biology and anthropology extends to how it explains my liver function and how I an use this knowledge to process more booze. It hasn't helped me win any additional beer pong matches that I wouldn't have already won or helped me avoid taking a shit in the kitchen sink, but at times it has helped me understand certain elements of the X-men comics. You don't need to be Richard Dawkins to appreciate the role evolution plays with the X-men. You can be a middle school dropout and still understand that if you give nature enough time, it's going to evolve some pretty awesome shit. So when you create a little pocket of land where evolution has millions of years and unlimited energy akin to Game Genie cheat codes, it's going to cause the kind of shit that only Cyclops's Extinction team is equipped to deal with.

This is the essence of Tabula Rasa, the pocket world created in the Dark Angel Saga where Arcangel got the spirit of Charles Darwin shit faced and had him go crazy on a world where God's image just doesn't apply. When the Dark Angel Saga ended, Tabula Rasa remained and that fancy time bubble that allowed millions of years to pass in the same time frame as a Seinfeld rerun collapsed. This led all that fancy life to go ape-shit and abduct some overly curious humans, which prompted the Extinction Team to explore this area that's within God's blind spot and uncover it's secrets.

The previous issue spent a good deal of time uncovering those secrets while not showing much action. This was okay to a point because it explained the source of that Iron Man wannabe that showed up a few issues ago and introduced the Apex, the advanced race of intelligent humanoid creatures that look like the Predator if it were shaved and neutered. Most died when the time bubble collapsed and one of the remaining Apex met up with the X-men to explain what they're up against. Apparently, the other remaining survivor had too much free time and when he/she/it found out that the entire Apex civilization was gone, he/she/it (I'll just say he because I don't see any breasts) responded in the healthiest way possible...by creating a massive suit of death fueled by Celestial energy. I guess they didn't evolve some form of booze on Tabula Rasa.

Uncanny X-men #7 picks up after the X-men have had time to process this threat and formulate a plan that doesn't involve shitting their pants. It doesn't help that their friend, who humbly calls himself Good Apex, is such a douche-bag. He probably would have called himself Longrod Von Ironcock (assuming he has something akin to a penis) if possible. But he settles for something basic because he doesn't think non-Apex creatures can appreciate his race. So I guess evolution doesn't have a mechanism for keeping sentient life from becoming douche-bags. At least this so called Good Apex leads them to a mountain where Celestial energy is in the process of being released by his Bad Apex counterpart. Only Storm, Cyclops, Magneto, and Psylocke are on the front line. Hope, Namor, Colossus, and Illyana are busy and we don't hear from them in the entire comic. For a series that's usually pretty balanced, that's not a good sign.

You know what also isn't a good sign? More talking after the last issue was full of extended explanations about Tabula Rasa, the creatures in it, and how sentient beings that have the skin texture of elephant shit became the dominant species in this mini-world. To be fair, Kieron Gillen does link up some of the details in the previous issue with this issue. In the last issue, Good Apex explained how his people set up shop in a temple fueled by Celestial energy to keep them in a deep sleep that turned into just your typical death sleep. In this issue the X-men visit said temple and find out that Bad Apex didn't just set up shop in the unofficial tomb of the Apex, he set up shop in a monument containing all the accomplishments of his civilization. So it's part museum and part crypt. It's fitting yet still a little bit creepy.

As they journey through this creepy temple, there's more talking about the Apex and no real action. It's just walking and talking. Basically Lord of the Rings without the big ass battle scenes. However, it does help Kieron Gillen's dialog is smooth and easy to follow. It makes the excessive talking that much more bearable, but eventually they do reach their destination. The X-men and Good Apex find Bad Apex in the middle of what must be his 18th nervous breakdown. He's standing in a bed of busted up butterflies/robots/shit that doesn't have a word for it yet. It essentially is a metaphor for how fucked his world is and much it pisses him off. In this lament he calls Good Apex "unwife." Now I'm not sure what this term entails, but I'm pretty sure it would make for awesome fetish porn and/or a kick-ass episode of Jerry Springer.

Zoophiliac feelings aside, Bad Apex proves he's true to his title when he uses his Iron Man-eqsue suit to attack the X-men. So we finally get some action, but it isn't much. Bad Apex just fires a missile that blows up and makes everyone wish they were born without a head for a brief moment. It's not unlike waking up the next morning after six bottles of tequila. It's not too fair a fight from the onset. Magneto, usually adept at diverting missiles with his powers, wasn't too effective because Bad Apex apparently had a few spare million years to perfect technology that overcame simple magnetism. It's a little cheap, but that's the power of evolution I guess.

At this point when we finally get some action, the impact really isn't all that great. There was a lot of talking in this and the last issue that set up this confrontation, yet not much happened as a result. The lack of involvement from Hope, Namor, Illyana, or Colossus doesn't help either. We don't know what's going on or if they're aware of any of the shit that's taking Celestial energy and using it as toilet paper. Usually, Gillen is able to make his work pretty coherent when balancing multiple plots and characters. This is the first time where his story is getting narrow. It's not too egregious, but given the high standards that he himself set it is pretty disappointing.

The battle isn't too basic though. Despite the apparent ease with which Bad Apex took down the X-men, Psylocke mixes it up a bit by doing some ninja-style sneak attacks. It always helps that she's wearing a skin-tight uniform that shows off her ass while she's jamming a katana into an robot/disturbed sentient creature. Bad Apex still manages to shake the attack off as well as a follow-up shot from Cyclops. He boasts along the way as you would expect anyone who enjoys fucking with superheroes. So even with millions of years of evolution, making stupid quips and sounding like a pompous ass can't be naturally selected out of existence. It gives me little hope for the future of the human race.

Whereas the X-men are attempting and failing with the direct approach, Good Apex is trying something a little more subtle. He sneaks past his unwife (seriously, Gillen should copyright that shit) and tries to get to the Celestial energy that's fueling this shit. At this point Danger actually shows that she's not only sexy in a way that only Japanese fetish porn can articulate, she's useful because she creates a space suit for Good Apex to brave the danger. Despite being an arrogant creature, Good Apex is impressed and maybe a little turned on. I can't tell if these creatures get boners. But whatever the case, he tries to find the Celestial off switch. Bad Apex, having had enough fun roughing up the X-men, goes after him and attacks. I'm not sure if this counts as domestic or spousal abuse, but it has explosions so it's no worse than my uncle's third marriage.

The action definitely ramps up here because it has more of an emotional element. Good Apex clearly cares about Bad Apex and is trying to stop him from making a mistake that only a brain-damaged, tramatized being with a god-machine would make. He manages to vent a good deal of the Celestial energy. As expected, Bad Apex doesn't appreciate this and lashes out in a way that can only be compared to the way my ex-girlfriend used to attack me when I sold her jewelry for blow. Bad Apex probably would have become the Apex equivalent of OJ Simpson, but then Storm rejoined the battle and threw some lightning into the mix. That tends to help quell deranged ex-spouses (to a point).

In addition to the lightning, Storm rightfully criticizes in a rather colorful way that Bad Apex was shitting on the legacy of his entire civilization. This doesn't seem to bother Bad Apex, but since Good Apex drained all the Celestial energy he can't exactly continue with his policy of burning an entire world to a crisp. So after shaking off Storm's little lecture, Bad Apex and his pet robot disappears to regroup. It's not a typical bad-guy-getting-away type scenario. It's more a bad-guy-calling-timeout-so-he-can-find-another-way-to-fuck-with-them type scenario. It's the kind of ending that doesn't make for much closure. It actually makes the overall arc feel like it's dragging now. All we know is that Bad Apex is going to try something equally or more fucked up that will probably turn Tabula Rasa into a pile of dog shit. I want to get excited about it, but I'm just not feeling aroused by dog shit anymore.

After the previous issue, I was working under the assumption that the plots that were set up would be appropriately developed and/or blown up in this issue. There were a few explosions. There was some fighting as well. But for the most part, it was just more talking and more setup like the last issue. Like I said in my review of Uncanny X-men #6, I don't mind it when Kieron Gillen flexes his literary muscle. It's like a guy with a big dick or a woman with big tits. If you've got it, flaunt it. But like big dicks and big tits, flaunting can be distracting and in this issue there just wasn't enough substance to go along with the flaunting. It was like a rum and coke without the rum.

That's not to say there wasn't some good development here. Not only did we get some insight into the whole unwife concept for the Apex, but we also developed a new understanding for what Bad Apex is doing. This is a creature that woke up, found out that the entire Apex civilization had gone to shit, and there was nothing that could be done to save it. So Bad Apex is doing what is akin to giving Iran an H-bomb in the Marvel Universe, using Celestial energy to assemble the kind of tools of destruction that makes God wish he hadn't rested on the seventh day because it makes him look lazy. The problem is it's just not coupled with enough emotion. We know Bad Apex is pissed and Good Apex is trying to stop this overblown hissy fit. There's just not enough substance to make the reader really give a damn about where Bad Apex is coming from or enough action to make the reader overlook it.

Not a whole lot was built up here, but Kieron Gillen did succeed in moving the story forward. He's very descriptive on what the threat to Tabula Rasa is and goes out of his way to develop the Apex, but doesn't really do much for the X-men. It's still good, but it feels like too much is missing and too much ink was wasted. Now Kieron Gillen has earned a lot of leeway with the quality of his work in Uncanny X-men so I can't dock him too much for his work in this issue. But I can't give this issue the praise I want. As such, I give Uncanny X-men #7 a 3 out of 5. Two issues have been spent building up this Tabula Rasa story. That's about half an issue too long. With all this setup, I'm hoping that the next issue will make me shit out my brains and barf up my colon. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #20 - With Liberty and Awesome for All

I have a mixed history with the law and justice in general. For the most part, I'm for it. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my colon whenever I see a murderer, a child molester, or the head of an investment bank get sentenced to consecutive life terms in prison with the assumption that he'll be someone's bitch. On the flip side, I erupt into uncontrolled rage when policemen with nothing better to do bust me or a buddy for having a bag of weed or stumbling down a street at two in the morning after getting shit faced drunk. I like to think that there's a healthy balance. Superhero comics have always utilized justice as a theme of sorts, righteous or otherwise. Nobody will cough up a lung when a villain gets busted and sent to jail. But when someone that's supposed to be a hero is on trail, that's when shit gets heavy.

Justice is kind of a moot point in a series like Uncanny X-Force. By definition, these guys are breaking the law, no more than two of the Ten Commandments, and probaby making baby Jesus cry at some point. They're lying to their friends, their enemies, and their allies about what they do. They go out in dark uniforms and take care of threats in a way that they can't be very heroic about, which usually involves bloodshed and poop jokes from Deadpool. Justice was hardly an issue during the Dark Angel Saga. When the world is about to go to hell, laying down the law just seems stupid. While this event may be over, the circumstances surrounding it have not been resolved. Since Rick Remender's brain is supercharged by ten nuclear reactors, he continues to explore this theme in the pages of Uncanny X-Force #20.

It's the first issue since the Dark Angel Saga ended and the first issue that's officially part of X-men Regenesis. Forget for a moment that Remender has to follow up a story as awesome as the Dark Angel Saga. Before that story even began, there were still issues. Things like Fantomex killing kid Apocalypse can't exactly be glossed over. There are other outside issues that haven't even come up yet. Issues like how Psylocke can be part of a secret kill squad while her brother, Brian Braddock aka Captain Britain, is a nationally known hero. As is often the case, you can't keep secrets from nosy siblings. They'll find ways to get dirt on you even if they have to hire the CIA. When this comic begins, Psylocke wakes up in her brother's hero pad. It turns out that when Psylocke's powers were expanded in the Dark Angel Saga, that re-established a link to her brother and exposed all her dirty X-Force secrets. Probably exposed what she likes to have done to her with a strap-on too so Brain is probably fucked up enough. In addition, he flat out admits that he abducted her in her sleep so they could address this whole being part of a kill squad ordeal. He argues that her place is with her family and Wolverine and his gang of secret thugs. It sounds almost as unpleasant as when my sister explained to me why I needed to buy her tampons at three in the morning.

But Captain Britain isn't just abducting his sister from some bad influences for her own good. No, that would make too much sense for an overbearing sibling. He brought her to his headquarters because he needs her help. Like a sibling that buys you dinner only so they can ask to borrow your car for the weekend, she lures her into his domain known as the Tower Omniverse. It's dangerously close to being a Green Lantern ripoff, but it doesn't involve tacky jewelry or cliched oaths. Regardless, Captain Britain and his corp of of justice-loving comrades have good reason for getting a high powered telepath. Their corp has been under attack by an army overpowered sociopaths from various realities. It's sort of like a vacation spot for every movie villain in history so while Brian may have good reason for wanting his sister back, it's still a dick move. He somewhat makes up for it by revealing some special tech that would give her back her old body. But that wouldn't mean she wouldn't be a hot Asian chick anymore. That should serve to make Captain Britain worse than Hitler in the eyes of every X-men fan.

While Betsy is having an impromptu family reunion, Wolverine and his X-Force buddies are welcoming their newest member with a Danger Room exercise. One of the other aftermaths of the Dark Angel Saga was that AOA Nightcrawler decided to stay. Not because his world is a shitty wasteland that a super powered tyrant anally raped into desolation, but because some of his AOA buddies decided to set up shop in 616 as well. So he figures it's only proper that he hunt them down and kill them. What better team to help him than X-Force?

However, it's not as bittersweet as you might think. During the course of the training, AOA Nightcrawler demonstrates in a number of gruesome ways that he is NOT the same god-loving Nightcrawler that Wolverine and every other 616 fan knows and loves. This guy is cruel, ruthless, cold, and makes lame James Bond puns. He says outright that he's not there to replace their dead Nightcrawler. He's in 616 to get revenge. It definitely rubs some like Wolverine the wrong way, who on some levels I think is trying to replace Nightcrawler. He even gets on Deadpool's nerves. You know you're a special kind of asshole when you annoy someone like Deadpool.

Despite AOA Nightcrawler's apt for taking a shit on the memory of their fallen friend, he's there to stay. He makes that clear to X-Force and they're not in a position to say no. They need someone to pick up the slack left by Angel being mind-fucked in the Dark Angel Saga. They may end up being down even more because after the Danger Room session, Fantomex's old friend the Ultimaton shows up to inform them that not only has Psylocke been abducted. Fantomex has been abducted as well.

Now why would Captain Britain and his corps go through the trouble of abducting a wannabe French douche-bag in addition to his smoking hot telepathic sister? Well while Psylocke is musing over her brother's offer to get her old body back and join a team that doesn't involve being on a secret kill squad, he also reveals that they took Fantomex to put him on trial. What's his crime? I mean aside from being a douche? He shot a kid in the head in the first arc of Uncanny X-Force. There are a lot of crimes that comics are willing to overlook. Even making a deal with the devil to absolve your marriage seems acceptable. But killing a kid? That just can't go unpunished. So with questionable jurisdiction, Psylocke finds out that her brother's people have put Fantomex in shackles and brought him up to this overblown courtroom that looks like something Judge Judy masturbates to.

If you're a little confused, you're in good company. And it isn't just because we may know the same pot dealer. Rick Remender is usually very good about not pulling shit out of his ass that doesn't stink. This whole bit with Captain Britain and his corps suddenly feeling the need to try Fantomex seems a bit contrived. And even if it's just something he learned about through picking at his sister's thoughts, why use it when he's trying to convince her to join him? It just seems too random on some levels.

On others, however, Rick Remender still shows his usual attention to detail. The trial isn't exactly the OJ Simpson trial. It's actually pretty detailed, going over what happened with the first arc of Uncanny X-Force and digging a little deeper into why Fantomex did what he did. There's actually a bit of commentary here if you're not too high to notice. Fantomex argued that he killed kid Apocalypse because the Akaba Clan had corrupted him. If he hadn't killed him, he would have become the tyrant that enjoys jerking off to images of mass genocide. But this was still a kid. He hadn't done any of that yet. His accusers argue that he was in no position to sentence this boy for shit that he could have done. It's an old legal issue. At what point does prevention clash with logistics? Both sides have a point, but only one side has the authority to determine whose guilty and since Fantomex acts like a dick when discussing his decision, it comes as no surprise when they hand down a guilty verdict. Maybe he should have hired Johnny Cochran.

While justice isn't being served, the rest of X-Force head off to find their missing friends. They use Gateway, a teleporting mutant from Age of Apocalypse, to lock down on Psylocke and Fantomex's signature with help from Ultimaton. It seems simple enough, but they end up running head first and balls out into that swarm of deranged sociopaths that Captain Britain showed Psylocke earlier. They take one step in and Deadpool gets his head chopped off...again. Another bloody X-Force battle ensues. All the while, Fantomex is about to get the kind of justice that's probably only reserved for gay Jewish men in Saudi Arabia. At some point Psylocke has to decide whether her brother's brand of bullshit is worth tolerating. It's something she'll have to decide in the next issue, but as someone who had to deal with siblings who thought they were superheroes by right I can say with confidence that Psylocke is screwed no matter what she chooses.

I always try to have sympathy for writers that have to follow up amazing arcs. Rick Remender is no exception. He put together one of the best X-men arcs in a decade with the Dark Angel Saga. No one should expect him to follow a story like that with something that's on the same level. If you do, then you're an asshole. This issue is not like the issues that made up the Dark Angel Saga. It's not even like the issues that led up to it. Uncanny X-men #20 is built as a shift in the conflict, but it maintains the strong coherence that Remender has set up. Using Fantomex's past douche-baggery and framing it as something that couldn't go unaddressed makes sense. The only problem is that it seems to be ill-timed.

At times, it felt like this issue should have happened before the Dark Angel Saga. That was before X-Force found out that Fantomex was cloning a new Apocalypse and trying to make him somewhat less of a genocidal tyrant. So it doesn't make as much sense to put him on trail now unless they're going to also try him for being a general tool all throughout the Dark Angel Saga. Unfortunately, there's no law against just being a douche-bag in comics.

Never-the-less, this setup does open the door for other compelling plots that also connect to the recent events surrounding the Dark Angel Saga. Wolverine and his X-Force crew learn first hand that AOA Nightcrawler is nothing like the Nightcrawler they know. He makes it clear that he's not in this world to dick around. He wants revenge. He doesn't care for God's love or forgiveness. That shit was the first thing that died in the Age of Apocalypse. In addition, the family dynamics between Psylocke and Captain Britain work well. What brother wouldn't be disturbed if he found out his sister had joined a kill squad and is falling in with the wrong people? Although in my experience, trying to get your sister to join your cause by kidnapping her is just begging for sustained testicular trauma.

Uncanny X-Force #20 is not a bad comic by any stretch. It still has Rick Remender's quality writing and organization. However, in the context of the Dark Angel Saga, it feels like a downgrade. If this issue was released before the events of the Dark Angel Saga, I probably would be inclined to give it a perfect score. But since no X-men comic exists in a vacuum anymore (except bullshit gimmicks like Xenogenesis), it's hard to ignore the circumstances. With this in mind, I give Uncanny X-Force #20 a 4 out of 5. It's still the above average, top grade X-book that X-men fans have come to know, love, and be painfully addicted to. It won't blow your mind like the Dark Angel Saga did, but it should leave you with a mild concussion at the very least. Nuff said!