Uncanny X-men #8: Nuff Said!

Ever try to judge a pizza after smoking a shit ton of weed? Well, I wouldn't advise that in places outside of Denver, but I will say that being buzzed as fuck makes everything taste pretty damn awesome, be it pizza or some half-eaten cookie you find under the bed. I say this because I'm still fucking buzzing after X-men: Apocalypse. How could I not? It was an X-men movie that didn't suck or turn Wolverine into a total pussy. I still have a raging fucking boner from it and no, I'm not calling my doctor.

I say this because it may end up coloring my reviews for Apocalypse Wars. And no, I'm not going to fucking apologize for it. X-men: Apocalypse is the first X-men movie that didn't have Deadpool that didn't make me want to dry heave. So my thoughts on Uncanny X-men #8 are bound to be skewed as fuck. Again, I'm not apologizing for it. If it sounds like I'm ready to kiss Cullen Bunn's boot, then so be it.

You can say a lot about Magneto's team of renegade X-men. Sure, they're not winning any prizes by Amnesty International anytime soon, but they do have a kickass base in the Savage Land and they have their own killer Arcangel. That has to count for something, right? That killer Arcangel has shown his worth in this series so far. Granted, he's still a mindless drone with a mental capacity on par with a brain-damaged Kardashian, but he gets the job done and he's the one who helped kickstart Magneto's involvement in Apocalypse Wars. He's still waiting in the wings, waiting for a chance to contribute. After his limited role in X-men: Apocalypse, I think he's itching to do something more.

Psylocke is already doing Olivia Munn proud. The fine folks of Akkaba City think it's a good idea to throw Magneto and Psylocke into a prison cell. They're right up there with people who think it's a good idea to serve beer at a shooting range. Of course Psylocke breaks out. Of course she kicks the everloving shit out of the minions who try to stop her. She's a fucking horsemen in X-men: Apocalypse. Anything less than kicking omega-level ass puts us all on Olivia Munn's shit list.

Those hapless minions, however, aren't as mindless as typical Bond villain henchmen. They offer a telling clue as to what they're up against. This began with a freaky cult in the middle of Colorado, as if there aren't enough of those in a state where weed is legal. These guys are willingly brainwashed, keyword willingly. Like any cult, they think there's something holy about being irradiated by Genocide and turned into a walking tumor. Given how some cults manage to avoid paying taxes while screwing over adherents, sometimes literally, I can't say this cult is any more devious than others.

Psylocke goes looking for Magneto. She finds Genocide and an overly hippie-version of Angel, who seems overly comfortable working with someone like Genocide. Again, that's the power of cults. If it can convince people that magic underwear is real, then it can convince people of anything.

So what could be worse than seeing Angel rub elbows with Genocide? Well, there actually is something that's way fucking worse. His name is Fantomex. Yes, it's that Fantomex. He shot a kid in the head and got to bone Psylocke. Sure, he's an omega level douche, but one you have to respect on some levels. Psylocke, however, respects him as much as Willie Nelson respects the IRS. Things did not end well between them to say the very least. They're both inclined to kill each other and not in a sexy sort of way.

Psylocke and Fantomex have plenty of baggage that they can only work out with gratuitous violence. They aren't the only ones though. While exploring a new Morlock society, Monet and Sabretooth learn that Monet's deranged and demonic brother is back in action. Gratuitous violence is really the only healthy way she can deal with a sibling like him. It's only slightly less fucked up than some of the family feuds on Jerry Springer, but it doesn't make gratuitous violence less entertaining. Sorry, One Million Moms.

Basically, Monet's brother, Emplate, is using evil creatures to snatch up mutants so he can feed on them like non-Twilight vampire. It's simple, but it makes for plenty of brutal action. It's a big part of the appeal in Uncanny X-men and making it a family affair only adds to that appeal. Since Monet only recently became at least as relevant as Squirrel Girl in the comics again, it's an appeal that feels overdue.

By that same token, Psylocke kicking Fantomex's phony French ass is more overdue than Half-Life 3. There's some confusion as to why the fuck Fantomex is even in Akkaba City. There is some other ongoing plot involving him and Mystique that has been unfolding in other issues. However, none of that is relevant here. None of it even connects effectively. So in terms of details, this makes as much sense as an OJ Simpson alibi. In terms of entertainment value though, this is right up there with watching Tron on weed.

There's nothing overly elaborate here. Psylocke and Fantomex beat the shit out of each other. They're bitter ex-lovers. They're not on the same team. One of them may even be working for Akkaba City. It doesn't matter. They have more than enough reason to kill one another. For those who forgot or are too lazy to do a simple Google search, there's a nice little recap of their recent history, going back to Uncanny X-Force, a series I reviewed in full and one that you should totally fucking read. At the risk of giving myself too huge a boner, I'll just say that these two screwed each other over in the worst and best ways. The worst ways just left a bigger impression.

The fighting is brutal, drawn out, and overly elaborate. It's also entertaining as fuck. There's a lot of talk and a lot of confusion. They at least try to figure out how the fuck they ended up in Akkaba City. They only learn that at some point, Magneto helped Fantomex put himself back together again. He then wisely kept him and Psylocke as far away from one another as possible. It's smart, but pointless. Bitter ex-lovers will find each other the same way sharks find wounded seals.

Whatever Magneto's role and whatever the details may be, most of it is lost in the gratuitous violence, albeit in the best possible way. That said, there is a clear winner and angry feminists can exhale. It's Psylocke who wins. She's a psychic ninja. Fantomex is a living weapon/douche. She has the edge. She also still has to find Magneto and do something about this Akkaba cult before they employ too many lawyers. Whether she succeeds or not, I think she'll still see kicking Fantomex's ass as part of a victory.

It's hard to say if Monet feels the same way about her brother. After kicking the shit out of his creatures, she tracks him to his cozy little lair. Along the way, she explains how he needs to feed on mutants to stay anchored in this reality. At a time when mutants are going extinct yet again, that's kind of a big fucking problem. She even suspects that's why he called out to her. Maybe he just wants to hug his sister. Or maybe he just wants to devour her too. With deranged siblings, it can go either way.

They eventually find them. They see he's uglier than the reviews of the last Fantastic Four movie. After what he did to the Morlocks, they're more than inclined to kick his ass and Monet has to not enjoy it too much. Then, much to their surprise, he claims he doesn't want to fight them. He says he wants them to save him. I'm confused and a little high, but still intrigued. Again, this a deranged sibling they're dealing with here. If Game of Thrones has taught me anything, it's that deranged siblings are capable of all sorts of kinky shit.

It's a lot less kinky for Pyslocke, sadly enough. After kicking Fantomex's ass in a way that'll make her panties wet for days, she goes back to her mission to finding Magneto and Angel. Once again, her mission gets derailed when she encounters something so horrific that she can't help but call out to Arcangel. No, it's not another bitter ex-lover, as horrifying as that might be. It's a room full of deformed Angel clones. I assume Psylocke keeps in touch with Peter Parker. She knows that deformed clones are fucking terrifying so who can blame her when she overreacts?

This finally brings Arcangel back into the picture. While the details throughout this issue are scattered and disjointed, this one vital detail that kickstarted the whole story remains intact. Arcangel knows that Psylocke is in trouble. He probably knows that she just kicked her ex-boyfriend's ass and is probably horny as hell. Even with the forces of Apocalypse being involved, I can't think of anyone or anything that can keep him from getting to her. Mindless drone or not, you have to respect that on some levels.

So...is it awesome?

Well nearly half the issue depicts Psylocke kicking Fantomex's ass. That alone makes it worth the sticker price. As to why they're fighting or why Fantomex is in Akkaba City, that's kind of unclear, but you really don't need to know that to enjoy it. Sure, you need to know that for the story to have depth, but it's still entertaining as fuck and the best part of this issue. Hell, I could read a whole arc of Psylocke kicking Fantomex's ass and be one happy motherfucker.

Beyond that though, the story doesn't move forward very much in Uncanny X-men #8. It still moves forward though. That's way more than I can say about most Spider-Man comics these days. The two plots involving the Morlocks and Akkaba City are still disconnected, but they have their moments and Cullen Bunn finds ways to inject drama into both. So while I may be buzzed as fuck by X-men: Apocalypse, I can only be so generous in assessing these comics in a meaningful way. I know some of you people rely on my drunken ass to assess these comics for awesome and I take that job pretty damn seriously.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

The Search for Consistency: Uncanny X-Men #8

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #8, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Consistency in comics is like a perfectly cooked steak. It’s easy to describe, but difficult to make. Brian Michael Bendis is one of the few active comicbook writers who, like a master chef, has shown that he can be consistently good in multiple instances. He did it for years in Ultimate Spider-Man and, more recently, in All New X-Men. He has proven that organizing plots and developing characters in a way that is coherent over the course of many issues is one of his strengths. However, this strength isn’t as apparent in the pages of Uncanny X-Men #8.

Since its launch, Uncanny X-Men has been the sister series to All New X-Men in that it deals less with teaching mutants and more with training them to fight giant, mutant-hunting robots. It also involved less character drama and more classic elements such as protecting young mutants from bigotry and direct physical harm. There was still character drama and some of that drama was pretty compelling. However, at times it felt like it was just shoehorned into the story so that it wouldn’t come off as disaster porn. And recent issues of Uncanny X-Men have completely derailed whatever consistency Bendis established in the early parts of the series.

The previous Limbo arc in Uncanny X-Men was akin to having a wizard show up in an episode of Law and Order. It felt like a complete diversion from the other plots that Bendis had been developing. At times it felt more like a story more befitting of Dr. Strange or a Lord of the Rings rip-off than something that would contribute to a new team of X-Men trying to protect a new generation of mutants. And in reading Uncanny X-Men #8, I got the sense that the previous Limbo arc was completely unnecessary.

The only thing the Limbo arc really accomplished was showing Cyclops’s team that they were overwhelmed and ill-prepared for their mission. The whole team seems to acknowledge this at various parts of the issues and it leads to some good character interactions. But couldn’t that have been accomplished in a more efficient way than fighting demons in Limbo? That’s like trying to prove gravity by kicking someone off a roof. There are less painful ways to do it.

The only other real aftermath of the previous arc is that one of the new mutants that Cyclops recruited decided to leave. But he could have just left after his first encounter with the Danger Room and it would have had the same effect. He doesn’t want to be in this dangerous world and that’s an important detail that isn’t often shown in X-Men comics. There have been plenty of young mutants to meet the X-Men over the years, but it’s rare that a story involves one leaving after one bad experience. It actually adds to an important theme that Uncanny X-Men captured nicely early on, but abandoned for the Limbo arc.

What sets Cyclops’s team in Uncanny X-Men apart from the team in other X-Men titles is that he is actually going out into the world and protecting mutants that are being directly harmed and not just by sentinels either. These mutants have been harassed by police and shot at in ways that we don’t see outside old video clips of civil rights protests from the ‘50s and ‘60s. But instead of turning fire hoses on mutants, people actually point guns at them and in Uncanny X-Men #8, it gets even more serious.

While one mutant in Cyclops’s team leaves in this issue, another one joins. This mutant was introduced several issues ago, but was also sidelined because of the Limbo arc. This new mutant is David Bond and his powers are pretty innocuous. He can control cars and he demonstrates this to his now ex-girlfriend at a parking lot. He hurts nobody in the process and causes no property damage, yet two police officers show up and one of them shoots him. Now some could make the argument that this is a poor representation of honest police officers, but these same people probably weren’t gay men who were harassed in gay bars prior to the Stonewall riots or black in the Jim Crow-dominated South. And when the X-Men show up to save David, it is a much better representation of what the X-Men are about than any plot involving Dormammu or Limbo.

This same theme is also reflected when Fabio, the mutant who decided to leave the X-Men, reveals to his parents that he’s a mutant. And in a way that is very much reflective of how some parents react to children who come out as homosexual, they think he’s sick and needs help. This creates a tense family moment that is painfully reflective of reality. And it is also much more relevant to the series than anything involving Dormammu or Limbo.

In many ways, Uncanny X-Men #8 gets back to the basics that it never should have abandoned in the first place. It has the painfully real moments that reflect the struggles of minorities and nice character moments with the X-Men in that they understand they are very raw. They need to train to be better if they’re going to help this new generation of mutants. This issue has all the right elements, but they just don’t flow effectively. As a whole, Uncanny X-Men under Bendis has had plenty of quality issues. However, these issues and the plots within each issue aren’t coherently organized.

Going back to what I said about steak, I would say that each issue tastes good and can be easily digested. It’s still not the perfect steak, but it certainly has the potential to be one if stories like the Limbo arc are avoided in the future

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #8

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Uncanny X-men #8 - Disorganized Awesome

I don't consider myself overly neurotic when it comes to cleanliness. In fact, if you saw my old dorm room you might be compelled the call the CDC out of fear from the biohazard caused by various foods, exotic substances, and several unidentified stains on the bedsheets that science has yet to identify. But when it comes to comics, I can be a bit OCD at times. Few things prick my nutsack more than loose ends, incoherent plots, and poorly resolved stories. The way I see it, if you're going to tell a story you might as well do your best to cover all your basis. I don't expect every writer to make every aspect of a story perfect. My standards for comics aren't quite as high for my standards for weed. However, I like to sense that the writers and the editors that sign their paychecks make a concerted effort.

For the most part, I haven't had to worry about Kieron Gillen leaving too many gaping holes in his stories. He's usually pretty damn good about making his stories more refined. They're like the Dom Perignon of comics minus the douche-bag connotations. There's an inherent quality to his books that make it worth the $3.99 price that so many fanboys bitch about. The Tabula Rasa arc has been no exception. Gillen has crafted a very unique and very compelling arc thus far with this world that spun right out of the pages of Uncanny X-Force. He's built his story around an entirely new world and taken the time to flesh out entirely new races like the Apex. He even introduced the concept of the unwife, something I'm sure Larry King already coined in his head. The battle between Good Apex and Bad Apex led to a struggle that involved Celestial energy and the potential for mass extinction in this picturesque pocket world. It all promises to come together in this final issue. Does it meet Gillen's refine standards? Well if you already knew, you wouldn't need my drunken ass on this blog now would you?

This issue picks up right after the previous issue in one of the smoother transitions you'll see in a comic book. Good Apex and the X-men were able to defeat Bad Apex, or so it seemed. However, they have another nasty problem to deal with. Apparently, being stuck in a time loop for millions of years kind of fucked up the biology in this world. So when time finally became unfucked, it started fucking up said biology. Good Apex and Cyclops surmise that every living thing on this world is about to die of cancer. In terms of going extinct, it's a damn shitty way to go. It's like fighter pilot choking to death on bird shit. It's an inglorious way to go.

This shit storm with the Apex has now taken up a full issue and a few pages extra. So you would be completely forgiven if you forgot that there was another plot with Namor and Hope still unfolding in the waters of Tabula Rasa. That or you have the same weed dealer as I do, in which case you're lucky to remember your left ass cheek from your thumb. But yes, there was a story that unfolded over an issue ago. Hope and Namor took to the seas of Tabula Rasa in search of trapped civilians and answers. What they ended up finding was an undersea kingdom that Namor wasn't king over. So it's understandable that he would be a little pissed off, but while Namor's ego is bigger than the Andromeda galaxy he is capable of being diplomatic. He and Hope eventually encounter the queen of Tabula Rasa's undersea world. She looks like the Little Mermaid fucked Predator and has a body covered in miniature boobs. It's disgusting in some ways, yet oddly arousing in others. What? You never jerked off to a couple of cockroaches fucking? Namor gets it. He puts on his kingly charm and decides to negotiate with the queen (probably with his penis). This leaves Hope behind with the guards, her teenage hormones leaving her more confused than ever.

In addition to the plot with Hope and Namor, there was another side story going on with Colossus and Magik. It was about as developed as a ten-year-old's understanding of quantum physics, but it involved Illyana getting captured by some of Tabula Rasa's friendly animals. It's kind of like Rule 34. If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions. Well this is like Rule 35. If a cute blonde is in a comic, she will become the target of horrific monsters. No exception. Colossus doesn't take kindly to this rule so he decides to attack. The potential for blood and carnage here is great...except it doesn't happen. That's right. It happens off panel. This wonderful backdrop that could have had Colossus crushing Tabula Rasa's pets is completely left to the readers' imagination. Really? Marvel, maybe you didn't know, but we fans pay you to imagine this shit for us and bring it to life! We use our imagination enough as it is and masturbate to 90 percent of it. Please don't insult our intelligence and our pocketbooks.

Speaking of masturbation fantasies, the plot with Hope and Namor is resolved as quickly and unceremoniously as the battle with Colossus and Tabula Rasa's friendly pack of animals. Once again, we're left with no details. We just find out that Namor found a way to bang some undersea queen that looks like a bug that got into Barry Bonds's medicine cabinet. Is it disturbing? Well, it's not the most deranged sex scene in the history of comics. Not by a long shot (Superman and Big Barda take that title). But it is fucked up and it has the added effect of solving absolutely nothing. So it creates a partnership with Atlantis. That's all well and good, but what the fuck does it have to do with the story surrounding Tabula Rasa and the Apex? I'll give you a hint. It has the same value as Michelle Bauchman's credibility on gay rights. Absolutely zilch.

The story with Colossus and Illyana doesn't end much better. Colossus is done crushing all the creatures that were probably going to lay their eggs in Illyana's brain. In doing so he starts transforming into a monster himself. If WTFs are starting to spew out of your mouth and anus, don't worry. That just shows you're normal (but you should probably still see a proctologist). Illyana says that's just Cytorakk fucking with him. I say that's a fucked up, poorly constructed plot that could have easily been replaced by a page of Colossus beating the shit out of monsters. I get that Colossus was struggling with his new power earlier. What I don't get is why the story has to pan out like this.

This is a pretty jarring and disappointing way to handle these plots. I criticized Gillen for not addressing these side-stories he developed in the last issue. This issue seems to indicate that those stories were completely meaningless. They contributed absolutely nothing to the battle against Bad Apex. They contributed nothing to the conflict unfolding on Tabula Rasa. They contributed nothing to rescuing the civilians. In other words, they were a complete waste of time. I expect that from some comic writers, but not Kieron Gillen. Uncanny has made every drop of ink count to this point and these two plots do nothing except make me wish my car ran on WTF rather than imported gasoline from the Middle East.

By the time shit finally does get back to the Apex story, the WTF fades and boredom sets in. Off panel, the X-men and Good Apex meet up with the civilians that Good Apex gathered a couple issues ago. They're all understandably pissed off. But for once, this plot actually does tie into some of the larger elements surrounding this story. Tabula Rasa didn't just poof out of thin air. It was built by Arcangel over the ruins of a simple Montana town that he blew up with an atomic bomb. Some of these civilians were looking for family or survivors. Well, Psylocke (who was part of the whole Dark Angel shit that the rest of the team doesn't know about) tells them they got trapped in this crazy world for nothing. Those people are dead and Tabula Rasa is still being cooked by the sun. There's no sign of Bad Apex, but Good Apex still has a desire to protect his world. The creatures that Bad Apex harassed earlier want to do so as well. So what are they going to do?

Cue a shitty scene transition where all the action happens off panel. With no more battles against Bad Apex or any battles of any kind, shit just works itself out. The X-men somehow convince SHIELD and SWORD to construct a massive dome over Tabula Rasa and do it quick enough to prevent the world from being cancer-stricken by the sun. It's as practical as it is inane. I get that the Marvel universe is a place where traditional rules and regulations don't apply, but considering we can't drill for oil in uninhabited wastelands in Alaska because it might upset some Caribou and you can't erect a giant dick in your backyard without violating some fucked up zoning regulations I find it insanely fucked that a dome like this can be constructed. Even in a comic book, the mere fact that this shit happens without conflict or anything blowing up is a complete farce. It comes off as Gillen just trying to end this story and end it quickly.

While it is pretty lame, it does tie up all the loose ends. Gillen can't be faulted for ignoring every last detail. He also can't be faulted for making the interactions between the characters refined and entertaining. First, we see Hope hitting on Namor one last time. He makes clear that while he'll bone a queen that's not even his genus, he has no interest in entertaining her teenage hormones. He seems to despise redheads almost as much as Emma Frost. Speaking of which, we actually get a chance to catch up with her and see that the arm she lost in the last arc was being re-attached thanks to advanced medical gear on Utopia. So she wasn't completely forgotten. That and Good Apex has a nice little conversation with Cyclops and Storm, which helps really highlight how Good Apex is different from his unwife. He's a unique character with some unique perspectives and the way Gillen writes him should leave some hopeful that he shows up again in future stories.

Another nice character moment involves Psylocke and Magneto. One of the other minor details that Gillen didn't overlook was that in an earlier issue, there were traces of X-Force's handiwork on Tabula Rasa. Traces that would have raised a few eyebrows if Cyclops had seen it. Seeing as how disbanded X-Force and Wolverine kept it going, that would be more awkward than walking in on your sister when she's shaving her snatch. But Magneto revealed that he destroyed those traces. He's among the few who uncovered X-Force's existence before Schism, but he's kept it a secret much to Psylocke's chagrin. It makes for a rather telling moment where they talk about what side they're on and what they owe each other. It's more tense than a picnic in the West Bank and helps remind the readers that conflicts in other books still affect Uncanny in a way that is not to be ignored.

Kieron Gillen came into Uncanny X-men when the standards were mediocre at best and questionable at worst. Matt Fraction's inconsistency left room for improvement and I'll bet all the weed in Amsterdam that Kieron Gillen effectively raised the bar for those standards. I praise him not because I think British guys are more creative and faking their accents is a great pussy magnet. He earns every bit of praise I give him with his writing. So it's with a heavy heart and a shitty liver I say I'm a bit disappointed with him here.

The Tabula Rasa arc has been very well done to this point. The premise was perfect. It took the events of the Dark Angel Saga, left room for conflict that X-Force hadn't resolved, and put the Extinction team in the line of fire. The past few issues have done a great job of setting up the challenges. You have things like an Iron Man ripoff that uses the Old Testament as inspiration for how a god should act and Cyclops being swallowed up and pooped out by an island. Gillen went into great detail describing who the Apex were and what they were and what they were up against. It led to some amazing action, especially in the previous issue that involved such creative acts as Danger becoming Good Apex's unofficial Boba Fett costume. That action promised to culminate in this issue, but it didn't.

I'll concede that most of the loose ends were tied up. The side-plots that were ignored in the previous issues were addressed here. The threat posed by Tabula Rasa and the missing people who stumbled ass backwards into this Jurassic Park wannabe were saved. Even the inconvenient truth about this world being built over the ashes of a town that was wiped out by a nuclear blast was addressed. The problem was how poorly it all fit together. The conflicts with Hope and Namor as well as the little excursion with Magik and Colossus had pretty much no bearing whatsoever on what was going on with Apex. They might as well have gone off to smoke weed and jerk off to imported Russian porn. It would not have changed the outcome of the Tabula Rasa conflict one bit and probably would have been more entertaining. Even if it did involve some kinky inter-species sex with Namor and the queen, what did it really do for the story other than give mentally damaged perverts something else to masturbate to? For some writers, this may fly. For Kieron Gillen and the standards he set with his first arc, it's a turd on top of a stack of expensive caviar.

This issue wasn't bad. There were some nice interactions, Namor's inter-species boning notwithstanding. The moment with Magneto and Psylocke was especially well done. Tabula Rasa has the potential to be the new Savage Land for the Marvel universe. However, this conflict that Gillen did such a good job of setting up didn't even end with a whimper. It ended with a wet fart. There were no connections and the action was limited to inter-species porn and Colossus crushing oversized cockroaches. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make for a very compelling entry into Kieron Gillen's Uncanny X-men legacy. So in an act that's going to require an extra shot of tequila, I give Uncanny X-men #8 a 2.5 out of 5. I can't give it too low a score because Gillen did tie up most if not all the loose ends. He just didn't do it with his usual flare. He still has my full confidence. But comics this discombobulated will turn fans off faster than an economics lecture. Nuff said!