The Search for Consistency: Uncanny X-Men #8

The following is my review of Uncanny X-men #8, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Consistency in comics is like a perfectly cooked steak. It’s easy to describe, but difficult to make. Brian Michael Bendis is one of the few active comicbook writers who, like a master chef, has shown that he can be consistently good in multiple instances. He did it for years in Ultimate Spider-Man and, more recently, in All New X-Men. He has proven that organizing plots and developing characters in a way that is coherent over the course of many issues is one of his strengths. However, this strength isn’t as apparent in the pages of Uncanny X-Men #8.

Since its launch, Uncanny X-Men has been the sister series to All New X-Men in that it deals less with teaching mutants and more with training them to fight giant, mutant-hunting robots. It also involved less character drama and more classic elements such as protecting young mutants from bigotry and direct physical harm. There was still character drama and some of that drama was pretty compelling. However, at times it felt like it was just shoehorned into the story so that it wouldn’t come off as disaster porn. And recent issues of Uncanny X-Men have completely derailed whatever consistency Bendis established in the early parts of the series.

The previous Limbo arc in Uncanny X-Men was akin to having a wizard show up in an episode of Law and Order. It felt like a complete diversion from the other plots that Bendis had been developing. At times it felt more like a story more befitting of Dr. Strange or a Lord of the Rings rip-off than something that would contribute to a new team of X-Men trying to protect a new generation of mutants. And in reading Uncanny X-Men #8, I got the sense that the previous Limbo arc was completely unnecessary.

The only thing the Limbo arc really accomplished was showing Cyclops’s team that they were overwhelmed and ill-prepared for their mission. The whole team seems to acknowledge this at various parts of the issues and it leads to some good character interactions. But couldn’t that have been accomplished in a more efficient way than fighting demons in Limbo? That’s like trying to prove gravity by kicking someone off a roof. There are less painful ways to do it.

The only other real aftermath of the previous arc is that one of the new mutants that Cyclops recruited decided to leave. But he could have just left after his first encounter with the Danger Room and it would have had the same effect. He doesn’t want to be in this dangerous world and that’s an important detail that isn’t often shown in X-Men comics. There have been plenty of young mutants to meet the X-Men over the years, but it’s rare that a story involves one leaving after one bad experience. It actually adds to an important theme that Uncanny X-Men captured nicely early on, but abandoned for the Limbo arc.

What sets Cyclops’s team in Uncanny X-Men apart from the team in other X-Men titles is that he is actually going out into the world and protecting mutants that are being directly harmed and not just by sentinels either. These mutants have been harassed by police and shot at in ways that we don’t see outside old video clips of civil rights protests from the ‘50s and ‘60s. But instead of turning fire hoses on mutants, people actually point guns at them and in Uncanny X-Men #8, it gets even more serious.

While one mutant in Cyclops’s team leaves in this issue, another one joins. This mutant was introduced several issues ago, but was also sidelined because of the Limbo arc. This new mutant is David Bond and his powers are pretty innocuous. He can control cars and he demonstrates this to his now ex-girlfriend at a parking lot. He hurts nobody in the process and causes no property damage, yet two police officers show up and one of them shoots him. Now some could make the argument that this is a poor representation of honest police officers, but these same people probably weren’t gay men who were harassed in gay bars prior to the Stonewall riots or black in the Jim Crow-dominated South. And when the X-Men show up to save David, it is a much better representation of what the X-Men are about than any plot involving Dormammu or Limbo.

This same theme is also reflected when Fabio, the mutant who decided to leave the X-Men, reveals to his parents that he’s a mutant. And in a way that is very much reflective of how some parents react to children who come out as homosexual, they think he’s sick and needs help. This creates a tense family moment that is painfully reflective of reality. And it is also much more relevant to the series than anything involving Dormammu or Limbo.

In many ways, Uncanny X-Men #8 gets back to the basics that it never should have abandoned in the first place. It has the painfully real moments that reflect the struggles of minorities and nice character moments with the X-Men in that they understand they are very raw. They need to train to be better if they’re going to help this new generation of mutants. This issue has all the right elements, but they just don’t flow effectively. As a whole, Uncanny X-Men under Bendis has had plenty of quality issues. However, these issues and the plots within each issue aren’t coherently organized.

Going back to what I said about steak, I would say that each issue tastes good and can be easily digested. It’s still not the perfect steak, but it certainly has the potential to be one if stories like the Limbo arc are avoided in the future

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #8

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Uncanny X-men #5 - Demon Seeds of Awesome

We all go through rebellious phases in our lives. When we're young, uninformed, and gullible we actually think that shit like communism, bell bottoms, and hair metal are cool. We think we can solve all the world's problems within a generation with simple, common-sense solutions that the fat cats in power are too chicken shit to do. As we grow up, we learn that we're not just dead wrong. We also learn that the teenage mind is capable of immense ass-backwards thinking. That kind of thinking also leads some of us to go through a goth phase or a hippie phase of sorts where we just think it's so cool to stop giving a fuck. It's only later in life that we realize that not giving a fuck won't make you cool. It'll make you unemployed, broke, and smelling like hobo piss.

The exception to that rule is Magik. Unlike the goths and hippies, all that sinister energy they feel around them is not only real. But there's no need for weed or LSD to make use of it. She is a teenager and a pretty blond at that. So it shouldn't be too surprising that she gets a pussy boner with all things hellfire and brimstone. That and being the lord of Limbo and losing her soul probably didn't help. She is by far the most dangerous combination you can get without giving a metric ton of weapons grade plutonium to North Korea. She's a teenage girl armed with the powers of a devil and no common sense on how to use it.

Because of this dangerous mix, Magik is one of the most powerful figures on Cyclops's team. She was a big part of the Extinction Team during Kieron Gillen's run. She was one of the Phoenix Five and ended up being the only one who didn't have her powers fucked up. Now a member of Cyclops's new revolutionary team, she's now the most powerful by default, so much so that some of the new teenage mutants can't help but get a boner around her. As someone who has banged his share of goth chicks, I completely understand that. But for a girl who literally lost her soul in Limbo, that sort of evil pussy just isn't worth it.

Now Magik's devil-loving ways seem to be catching up with her in a manner that Jerry Falwell (may his intolerant ass burn in Hell) would have bitched about endlessly. In the previous issue of Uncanny X-men, the focus was on Cyclops recruiting O5 Angel from the Jean Grey Institute. However, one of the random side-plots was Magik having a few bouts of Hellfire PMS. No explanation was given, but it's clear that this will be the next major challenge for Cyclops's revolutionary team. Because what's a better exercise than taking on the very forces of Hell itself? When you just got done pwning the Avengers, you gotta ride that momentum as far as it will take you.

The first problem is SHIELD. While pwning the Avengers may feel good in the short term, like herpes it could come back to haunt the team in the long run. Bendis, always attentive to detail, takes some time to show Maria Hill and SHIELD’s reaction to Cyclops’s stunt in Australia. It’s easy to forget that this stunt took place in an area where people have cell phones, the internet, and too much free time. While the Avengers are content to fume while their balls regrow, it does show that Cyclops’s revolutionary team is getting plenty of attention and it’s not the good kind. They don’t take kindly to pwnage and now Cyclops is at the top of their shit list. The problem is we really don’t get a sense for how SHIELD and the Avengers are going to react. This is pretty much all we hear from them and we don’t even get a clue as to how they’re going to try to pwn them back. Other side-plots take priority.

Once such plot involves one of the many cute blond girls on Cyclops’s team and for once, it isn’t Emma Frost. In the previous issue, Magik just randomly flashed some hellfire-style PMS for no fucking reason. It was almost as random as a Lady Gaga outfit, but this issue dedicates a fuckton of ink to explaining that moment. And there’s a lot to explain. It basically amounts to Magik telling Cyclops about what happened to her. And the asshole behind it all was Dormammu, the flaming skull evil overlord who is more known for fucking with Dr. Strange. Now he’s decided to fuck with a messed up teenage girl. And for a great many reasons, I find this appropriate in ways that would piss off every feminist in the world.

Like any self-respecting messed up teenage girl (if that’s not the most paradoxical phrase ever uttered), Magik doesn’t take kindly to Dormammu’s shit and fights back. But in doing so he reveals something that has been touched on only slightly since the beginning of Uncanny X-men. It was established early on that everyone who interacted with the Phoenix Force had their powers fucked up. But for some reason Magik was as healthy and deviant as ever. Well, we now find out that isn’t exactly the case. Her powers were fucked up too and in the process, it fucked up the Limbo dimension she’s so closely linked to.

It makes a little bit of sense, but not as much as a sober mind would prefer. How exactly does her mixing it up with the Phoenix Force fuck up Limbo? Well seeing as how this involves magic and teenage girls, it probably falls into that category of things that can’t and probably shouldn’t make sense. And even if it doesn’t, it still provides a solid connection to the story that Bendis established earlier in the series. And those kinds of connections are like the private phone numbers of supermodels. They’re worth their weight in Wakandan vibranium.

But by fighting back, Magik also stirs in her what I’m assuming is a metaphor for every temper tantrum ever thrown by a teenage girl. Dormammu releases the Darkchilde, which is basically a cross between the Hulk, Satan, and that girl in high school that screams whenever she finds out someone posted those naked pictures of hers on Tumbler. Dormammu is basically pissing on a hornet’s nest. Even for a powerful demonic creature like him, that shit is pretty dangerous. He may be one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel universe, but you never get the sense that this match-up is unfair. Makes me think Dormammu probably would have been right at home in my old high school.

The hellish battle is pretty fucking epic. She lays into Dormammu and the demon hoards of Limbo with her flaming sword which isn’t a dick joke. And like the battle between the jocks and the gym coaches in high school, it’s pretty evenly matched. And keep in mind, this is just Magik retelling it to Cyclops. All this shit happened behind the scenes in the previous issue. So I guess karma worked quickly for the X-men after pwning the Avengers. But in the process of this battle, Dormammu also hints that Magik doesn’t completely understand how the Phoenix Force fucked up her powers. It offers some compelling hints that there are some other fucked up forces at work here that could be revealed later on. If your asshole doesn’t clench at the prospects, then you’re either too drunk or not drunk enough.

After telling Cyclops her story, Cyclops makes it clear to her that he wants to help her. While he may not be boning a hot blond anymore, they still have a special place in his heart. But what makes this scene even more compelling is how Magik actually shows some fear and emotion. For once, she’s not just some unapologetic bitch that reminds me of the women I used to date. It’s a major shift considering every other character has had their moment of drama except her. It’s overdue, but it has just the right impact.

Unfortunately, that impact is mired by yet another outburst of Hellfire PMS. And this time, the rest of the team hears it. They probably think Magik is pitching a demonic hissy fit or Cyclops allure to attractive blonds is too much for her. And they’re all still wide-eyed teenagers who just became mutants at this point. How the fuck are they supposed to process this when a few days ago they were only struggling to process the last two episodes of the Walking Dead?

At this point, however, the focus actually shifts away from Magik so that some of the other side-plots can be explored. Brian Michael Bendis has shown he’s willing to juggle multiple plots before and while it may be a bit late, he does make a nice effort to add more connections. This includes a nice moment with O5 Angel and Magneto. It’s easy to forget that from O5 Angel’s perspective, Magneto is still basically a mutant Hitler. O5 Angel reveals that he’s still not completely comfortable being around him, but he does note that Magneto does seem a bit less deranged. That or he just looks less creepy with a shaved head.

That’s not the only side-plot Bendis explores either. In the previous issue, all these young and inexperienced mutants were just getting to know one another. And that continues here. By that I mean some continue to flirt with one another. We saw a couple of flirtatious moments in the previous issue. We see even more here and why not? Three hot blonds just joined the team. Anything with a penis is bound to be at least somewhat intrigued. Although the Stepford Cuckoos make it clear they don’t appreciate it, going so far as to make Christopher forget his own name. It’s a funny, light-hearted moment in a comic involving demons and devils. It’s still a bit unbalanced, but at least it isn’t completely one-sided.

And it isn’t just the boys drooling either. As Cyclops returns with Magik, we find out that he still has this strange way of soaking a woman’s panties. He’s boned Jean Grey and Emma Frost. At one point Psylocke had the insatiable urge to bone him as well. Now it seems Tempus has taken a moment to admire him. He’s single, he’s charismatic, and he’s a wanted fugitive. He’s basically a walking pussy magnet right now and anyone who has a daughter with a functioning vagina should be very afraid.

Sadly though, these light-hearted moments of boners and soaked panties are shot lived. As they begin mulling over options to help Magik, she has another bout of hellfire-fueled PMS. And this time, she takes the whole team along for the ride. She claims she’s not the one behind it. She may or may not be telling the truth, but it effectively ends the comic with Cyclops and his new inexperienced team right in the middle of Limbo. So they thought fighting the Avengers was a challenge? How about an army of demons? I guess in addition to attracting beautiful woman, Cyclops just can’t help but attract the wrath of evil forces.

If you just happen to be in that rebellious phase I mentioned earlier, this comic may encourage you to davel in devil worship. If you’re a guy, you’ll want to bone Magik until she sets your dick on fire. If you’re a girl, you’ll want to dress like Magik and recruit your own army of demons. The Christian Coalition may go ape shit over it, but that doesn’t prevent this issue from being any less awesome. Even if you’re not inclined to join a Satanist cult or participate in human sacrifice at the moment, you’ll still find plenty to enjoy about this comic.

This issue effectively establishes the next major challenge that Cyclops’s revolutionary team will have to face. Pwning the Avengers? Shit, that’s what they do on the weekends when there’s no football on. They actually have to go up against the demon hoards of Limbo now. There’s trial by fire and then there’s trial by fucking hellfire. For a team that is still new and includes a bunch of young, inexperienced, and obviously horny mutants, that’s a pretty tall order. And Brian Michael Bendis sets it up beautifully.

He had to juggle a number of plots in this issue. The biggest was, by far, Magik’s hellish outburst. It’s probably the first time Magik has come off as more than just a deranged teenage girl that hung out with Charlie Sheen for too long. She actually had some emotion here to go along with the conflict, which is a very nice shift. It also forced Cyclops to set aside his revolution to help one of his fellow X-men. So even though many may see him as the douche that murdered Charles Xavier, he’s still a caring guy who will do his best to help his teammates. That helps make him less of a douche and soaks the panties of teenage girls like Tempus.

Even though the Magik plot was the most pressing concern in this issue, there were a number of side-plots that helped keep this issue coherent with the others. Bendis continued the plot he established in the previous issue of having the new mutants get to know one another. And as he’s already done a number of times, he’s shown that these are still teenagers. And unfortunately, the horniness of most teenagers exceeds their common sense. It added some more light-hearted moments to what is otherwise the kind of plot that Bill O’Riley believes takes place in the ACLU every day. In other words, it’s near perfect balance.

I say near-perfect because it did get a little choppy at times. That’s bound to happen when you try to juggle too many plots. It’s like having multiple girlfriends. When it works, it’s an orgy of awesome. When it doesn’t, you’ll either be nagged to death or castrated in your sleep. I get the sense that this issue fell somewhere in between. Bendis has shown in previous issues that he can balance multiple plots (and women probably). However, that didn’t show here. Some of the scene, such as the conversations between Magneto and O5 Angel, felt a bit underdone and so did the first scene with SHIELD. It didn’t distract from the quality of the art, the impact of the drama, or the solid progression of the story. But it did keep this comic from having that perfect blend that would make it perfectly awesome. For that reason, I give Uncanny X-men #5 a 4.5 out of 5. Cyclops’s team is literally going through hell right now. After reading this issue, we’re left with only one question. Which woman will be smitten by Cyclops next? Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #3 - All Talk, All Awesome

I consider myself an atypical American patriot with a drinking problem. I say atypical because even at my most drunk and most sober, I’m not so blinded by the red, white, and blue mantra that I cry uncontrollably when I hear the Star Spangled Banner. I have functioning balls last I checked and a head with a few functioning brain cells that I haven’t damaged yet. That means I’m not going stick my head in the same pit as Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity and say that America’s school system is in the shitter, our health care system is below average at best, and our policy of sending drones to murder people is fucked up. That also means I’m not going to defend the de-facto super-patriot that represents America in Marvel comics, which happens to be Captain America.

When it comes to my sentiment of Cap and the Avengers, I’ve been about as subtle on this blog as a bad hangover. I think their assholes were left way too intact at the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They had the billion-dollar movie. They had Joss fucking Whedon. They had Sam fucking Jackson. Conversely, the X-men had X3, Wolverine Origins, and Brett fucking Ratner. So while I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that they came out with their shit smelling like French perfume, the extent to which the X-men were screwed simply defies my drunken abilities.

Now I don’t care to go over all the ways in which the Avengers were dead wrong and utter assholes over the course of Avengers vs. X-men. I know I sound like I’m shooting a dead horse with a bazooka here, but this issue is still not resolved in the comics. And it’s still very relevant in the pages of Uncanny X-men. It’s because the Avengers came out on top that Cyclops is a wanted fugitive, Emma Frost no longer lets him see her naked, and Magneto is secretly aiding SHIELD. Now that’s not to say Cyclops is innocent either. He’s still been a straight-A dick-cheese on more than one occasion. But he’s starting a new revolution in the pages of Uncanny X-men and he’s still stuck having to work around all the ways he was screwed over in Avengers vs. X-men.

The first two issues of Uncanny X-men have basically been Brian Michael Bendis showing how Cyclops’s new team functions in this new world where the Avengers have clean assholes and mutants are being shit on all over the world. He hasn’t exactly been subtle (or peaceful) in his efforts to protect a new generation of mutants, but he has succeeded in recruiting a handful of eager young teenagers. And he’s even managed to gain some public support as Cyclops has become sort of the Bill Murray while the Avengers are David Hasselhoff. The world doesn’t know that he killed Charles Xavier and even if they did, him being fucked up on the Phoenix Force still helps his case. Plus, he still can say he boned Emma Frost AND Jean Grey. That alone should earn him respect in any universe.

But ever since he busted out of jail, it has only been a matter of time before his new team crossed paths with the Avengers again. And at the end of Uncanny X-men #2, Magneto hastened that confrontation in the same way giving firecrackers to a 5-year-old hastens a trip to the emergency room. After one of the new mutants, Eva, convinces the team to visit her family in Australia, he called up SHIELD to let the Avengers know where Cyclops was going to be. Now it’s Avengers vs. X-men Part 2: Whose Shit Stinks The Least?

The first thing that happens in Uncanny X-men #3 is we find out that Tempest, the X-men's newest Aussie time-displacing mutant, admires Captain America the most. Hell, she even wrote a school essay about it. And it sounds like she actually wrote it while sober. I never had an essay topic that I felt that passionately about so that says a lot about this girl. But unfortunately, she gets to confront her idol while he and the Avengers are being a douche because once that flashback is over, she and the rest of Cyclops's team are standing face-to-face with the Avengers again. They still have a hard-on for throwing Cyclops in jail for murder. If only they could be as dedicated in throwing third world dictators that use the skulls of their victims as dildos in jail, then maybe they wouldn't come off as total assholes.

What comes next is an argument that should have happened immediately after the end of Avengers vs. X-men, which is someone pointing out that Tony fucking Stark was responsible for fucking up the Phoenix Force in Avengers vs. X-men. And this is pointed out by a woman he once fucked no less, namely Emma Frost. I don't know why, but something about that makes this scene all the more satisfying. It's like a girl telling a guy to fuck off just as he was about to give her herpes. And she's completely right. Iron Man and the Avengers were responsible for the shit that happened with the Phoenix, yet they want Cyclops and Emma to pay for it. That's like having a house party where you burned the house down and making the guy you set on fire pay for a new house.

Even if this scene was way overdue, I found it very satisfying. Bendis once again shows that he's great at playing on tension, especially between characters that have boned. However, the argument is somewhat unbalanced. Everything Emma and Cyclops say is perfectly valid. But all the Avengers respond with is "You killed Charles Xavier. You got to jail, motherfucker." That's the only substance to their argument. They don't address their role in Avengers vs. X-men...again. Iron Man claims he helped fix the Phoenix Force when he broke it with his big micro-dick compensating gun, but he didn't do shit. That was all Hope freakin' Summers. Yet nobody pointed that out. While I'm glad to see the Avengers get pwned in a way they should have long ago, it was still more unbalanced than a bipolar schizophrenic off their meds.

Eventually, the debate shifts away from who fucked up during Avengers vs. X-men the most. Cyclops rightly points out to the Avengers that mutants are being treated in the same way the Vatican treats abused alter boys, namely by ignoring them. They point out that the mutants they've saved were arrested and harassed by the authorities for reasons that essentially boiled down to "They made me shit my pants! Arrest them!" Captain America claims they are doing something about it by hiring Havok for their Uncanny Avengers team. But that's like saying you're going to solve global warming by not farting anymore. It's a hollow gesture that doesn't change how mutants are being treated. Cyclops knows this. Captain America doesn't seem to give enough shits see that as well.

It's a debate the Avengers aren't winning and aren't even trying to win from the looks of it. Everything Cyclops and Emma tell them are valid. And they aren't even assholes about it (well, Emma is still a bitch, but that's besides the point). They even ask some of the Avengers to join them in helping mutants, which is pretty remarkable seeing as how these are the same assholes that threw them in jail. Even Tempest, the girl who said in a flashback that she admired Captain America the most, came out and said that she was arrested for being a mutant. She is living proof that they're not doing dick to help people like her.

The Avengers only have one recourse in the end. It essentially boils down to "Fuck it! Let's just kick their ass and forget all the perfectly valid points they made!" Hawkeye best embodies this spirit of who gives a shit? He and the rest of the Avengers make it clear that Cyclops and Emma can't sweet talk their way out of jail. They still blame them for the death of Charles Xavier and not the assholes who put them in that position in the first place. So does this mean we're going to get yet another round of Avengers vs. X-men? Is this yet another big overhyped event that will give Michael Bay some disturbing new ideas for his movies?

In short, fuck no. There's no need to get it up for that overfucked corpse of a story. Before the Avengers can channel their inner LAPD, Tempest steps in and freezes the Avengers in a time bubble. So even though she says she admired Captain America the most, she's not willing to ignore it when he's responsible for a dick move. I think that adds a little extra drama too the moment, having someone who admitted to admiring Captain America so much be the one that had to stop him. It allows the X-men to avoid another damaging battle and it also gives Tempest time to say goodbye to her mother again. Cyclops even does a little granstanding for the folks with camera phones. Is it shameless? Hell yes. Does it help reinforce the point that mutants are screwed and the Avengers don't give a shit? Fuck the hell yes.

While they leave Australia emboldened and intact, they return to their base with yet another unpleasant confrontation. In the first issue of Uncanny X-men, we found out that Magneto did something really fucked up in that he shaved his head and betrayed the team. In the previous issue, he opted to stay behind and call SHIELD so the Avengers could be there in the first place. That makes it pretty fucking obvious who tipped them off and Cyclops is none too happy about it. The confrontation here has the potential to be way more volatile than the one they had with the Avengers. Cyclops just can't seem to get a break in that he just pwned the Avengers. Now he's being betrayed.

However, Bendis throws in a twist that M. Night Shyamalan would scoff at. Magneto admits to betraying the team, but he claims he does it for a strategic reason. He's actually playing the role of a double agent, earning SHIELD's trust so that the team could have a leg up on the authorities that seem hell bent on throwing them and every mutant like them in jail. Cyclops is not happy with it, but everyone else seems to think it's fucking brilliant. It is on some levels, but in terms of story it effectively nullifies any tension that was established in the first two issues. So Magneto isn't actually betraying them. That was just a ruse and if you fell for it, then tough shit. All that really came of it is Magneto ended up bald.

The team seems fairly eager to forgive Magneto for going behind their backs. Cyclops still doesn't like it, but it does present them with some pretty compelling opportunities. After things settle, they find out from a news broadcast in Australia that the Avengers are still frozen in time. In addition, Tempest's mother says on camera that the Avengers were acting like assholes. It can only be a good thing for Cyclops's team because that means the Avengers can't stop them if they choose to fuck with them. Magik even suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging all their toilets, probably after binging on expired Mexican food. But Cyclops has something more pragmatic in mind and involves less strain on their assholes. I still would go to the tower and put crazy glue on all the condoms and tampons they have, but I guess Cyclops isn't as willing to push his luck.

Instead of fucking with the Avengers, he and his team choose to pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute. Since no Avengers are going to be there to arrest them, that means they're free to make their pitch to any of the mutants who have gotten sick of Wolverine's training. It also means they're poised to confront the Original Five again, who they initially encountered in All New X-men. Seeing as how that confrontation was flat out ignored in the first two issues, we may actually see something come of it now. Plus, it means Cyclops will be in a position to shoot Wolverine again. And that can only make any comic more awesome!

I get the sense that this issue of Uncanny X-men was written explicitly for the fans who were pissed off by the end of Avengers vs. X-men. For that, I owe Brian Michael Bendis and Chris Belacho a round of beer, a few joints, and a line of my best blow. This could have easily become one of those comics where they just copied and pasted the battle scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and saved themselves the time and trouble of actually doing some work. But that didn't happen here. Cyclops and his team confronted the Avengers, but they didn't pwn them by just beating them. Everyone from the Red Skull to Thanos knows that shit doesn't work. Instead, they beat them by pointing out how they were just as responsible, if not more so, for fucking up during the events of Avengers vs. X-men. This is something I have pointed out multiple times on this blog, both sober and drunk. It took a while for my arguments to show up in a comic book, but it was worth the wait and the extra liver damage!

Now whenever a comic is mostly talk and not much action, there's always a risk that it's going to turn out boring, lame, or fucked up. Comic fans these days have been raised on a steady supply of mindless action featuring killer robots, macho men, and big-breasted women dominating movies, TV shows, and comics. While this issue had the macho men and big-breasted women part down thanks to the presence of Captain America and Emma Frost, there wasn't much mindless action. You actually had to read and think for most of this issue and for some people, that's just unacceptable. But for me, I say fuck those people! By not having mindless action, this issue was all the more awesome.

Brian Michael Bendis has been very consistent in terms of making the dramatic moments count and taking things slowly over the course of a story. In both All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, the big action scenes that involve shit blowing up actually are pretty rare when you get right down to it. Bendis's greatest strength is his ability to really develop the characters and the circumstances surrounding them. With three issues of Uncanny X-men, he's set up a pretty awesome theme. Cyclops and his team are on the run. They're trying to help the new generation of mutants while the Avengers won't loosen their panties and insist on throwing him in jail while they do jack shit for mutants. Seriously, do they really think they can do as much good as Cyclops could do with Alex freakin' Summers? I think not.

The one issue that may be a buzzkill on par with your parents finding your porno stash is Magneto's so-called betrayal. While I admit it makes perfect sense to work smarter and not harder when your powers are on the fritz, but Magneto pretending to betray the X-men just kills whatever tension there may have been surrounding this plot. It could have made for a very daunting challenge for Cyclops and his team to face. Now it's just another act of pwnage that could blow up in their face and probably will. I get that Magneto's triple-cross was meant to give the team a tactical edge, but it just seemed like another missed opportunity. I actually believed Magneto in the first issue when he said he wanted Cyclops to suffer for killing Charles Xavier. Now he's just shrugging that shit off, continuing to be Cyclops's de-facto lieutenant. It essentially puts Magneto back into the same position he was in before Avengers vs. X-men. The only difference now is that he shaved his head and that rarely works for an old white guy.

But Uncanny X-men #3 wasn't about Magneto's betrayal. It was about pwning the Avengers and in that sense it succeeded. Cyclops and his team didn't have to bitch-slap Captain America to prove their point. They only needed to make his balls shrivel to the point that they could work around him. And now they are. Cyclops's team is in position to get around SHIELD and the Avengers while continuing their goal of helping a new generation of mutants. And now they're also poised to get a few new recruits from the Jean Grey Institute, and maybe cop a feel from a teenage Jean Grey in the process. If that isn't an epic win, then how much close can you possibly get without the use of blow? I give Uncanny X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. After reading this issue, I stood up proudly and said "Suck it, Avengers!" Of course, that ended up getting me thrown out of the Starbucks, but one of the baristas was a comic fan so I got her number. Guess that's an epic win for both me and Cyclops! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 - Heart-To-Heart Awesome

I imagine having to work closely with your ex is more awkward than having your prostate exam filmed in IMAX and showed in 3D in front of your whole family on your wedding day. There's a good reason why God gave human beings the ability to feel bitter and scorned. When two people have loved, boned, and lost their capacity to coordinate is complicated to a point where you would have a better chance teaching a cricket advanced calculus than finding a way to make it work. Bitterness is nature's way of telling us shit isn't working out and you'll only make it worse by trying.

Unfortunately, Cyclops and Emma Frost don't have the luxury of moving to different hemispheres and expunging all memories of one another through bitterness, alcohol, and revenge sex. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, their long-standing relationship that had Marvel had been pimping like a hooker with fresh breast implants for nearly a decade came to an end. There's just no coming back from lashing out at one another while high on cosmic force. I also imagine that Emma mind-humping Namor while he laid waste to Wakanda didn't help either. Brian Michael Bendis said outright when his relaunch of Uncanny X-men was first announced that Cyclops and Emma Frost would no longer be romantically involved. Yet they would be stuck on the same team because when you're a fugitive and your powers are fucked up, you don't have the luxury of not teaming up with your ex.

I admit I never thought Marvel would do this because for so long they seemed hopelessly intent on making Cyclops/Emma the number one fuck buddies in the Marvel universe. I wouldn't have had a problem with this if they actually did what they did for other famous comic book couples and built up their relationship. Instead, they decided to make it one long re-run of Two and a Half Men, consisting mostly of bed scenes ripped off from old pornos and one-liners that essentially robbed both characters of their romantic credibility. Now I'm all for tits, asses, dicks, and butts in my comic books. But if the intent was to make Cyclops and Emma's love more mature and powerful than Cyclops and Jean, then that's not the way to go about it. That would be like trying to make Jessica Alba hotter by rubbing shit on her face. I made many rants on this blog about how unwilling Marvel was to create any tension with this couple. Yet here I am, my jaw open and my dick hard at their decision to break them up. And for that, I applaud them.

But as surprised I was to see Cyclops and Emma break up, I was equally surprised to see them remain on the same team. All New X-men and Uncanny X-men #1 show that they are taking part in a new mutant revolution. In addition to ending their relationship, Avengers vs. X-men kick started the mutant race again. And Cyclops isn't dicking around. He's taking a far more revolutionary approach because he doesn't think the human race is going to react in a calm, rational manner in dealing with the sudden re-emergence of the mutant race after having gotten so used to dealing with them as an endangered species. He's not wrong, but he's still being a dick about it. That was the main reason why Magneto visited SHIELD in Uncanny X-men #1 with the intent of helping Cyclops lose more than his access to Emma Frost's pussy. So in a team with a bitter ex-girlfriend and a bitter teammate, Cyclops's revolution is already on shaky ground.

Uncanny X-men #2 takes plenty of time to explore these shaky grounds on which Cyclops is building his revolution. We first explore the inner musings of a pissed off ex-girlfriend. While I’m sure my ex-girlfriends probably thought more about where they would hide the dead bodies, Emma Frost dwells on how utterly broken she is. And Bendis doesn’t skimp on the details either. She reflects on how she fucked her powers up and how she fucked her relationship with Cyclops up by listening to the wet spot in her panties when she was around Namor. She really is broken in that the life she had before Avengers vs. X-men is in complete ruin.

But as dramatic as this musing is, a more striking musing is that she actually takes the time to blame Tony Stark for the shit that happened with the Phoenix Force. This is the first time any character has actually noted that it was Mr. I-Shoot-Shit-With-Big-Guns-And-I’m-Not-Referring-To-My-Penis who fucked the Phoenix up. And it comes from someone better known for her bra size than her brain. For that, I applaud Emma Frost for crafting the most rational musings of an ex-girlfriend in the history of humanity. That and she still has a nice rack.

Eventually, Cyclops confronts her before those thoughts of hiding dead bodies can enter her mind. From here, she and Cyclops have a true heart-to-heart. It’s a conversation that was long overdue and one that was building since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They essentially clear the air in that they make clear that they’re not going to be seeing each other naked anymore, but they will make an effort to work together for the sake of these new mutants. Bendis doesn’t leave any Matt Fraction-style ambiguity here in that he has Cyclops and Emma make clear that they can’t get back together after the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. And it makes perfect sense too. You just can’t go back from ripping cosmic forces out of one another and boning other people in your mind while they lay waste to a country. But having been together and exchanged an untold amount of bodily fluids, they trust each other and know they can help one another.

Reading this conversation gave me a tingly feeling I usually don’t get without a blowjob and a bag of premium Mexican weed. Having gone on so many drunken rants about the flaws in the Cyclops/Emma relationship that have emerged over the past few years, it’s actually a great relief to see them part ways in such a clean, amicable way. None of my post-breakup conversations with ex’s have ever gone this well. Hell, most didn’t end without some kind of property damage. But even though Bendis already made it clear that the relationship is over, there’s a certain power in seeing it truly end on-panel. While I know the Cyclops/Emma fanboys may be bawling like someone shoved a peeled onion up their ass, it is a historic moment. Cyclops and Emma as a couple are no more. Excuse me while I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels to commemorate this moment.

Like many powerful moments in comics, there’s an inevitable buzzkill and it’s not uncommon for a very disturbed teenager to be involved. This is certainly no exception. After Cyclops and Emma have their moment, Magik shows up to let them know their new students are ready for a little orientation. Unlike the others, her powers weren’t fucked up by the Phoenix Force and somehow she ended up becoming even more creepy. Even Cyclops and Emma concede she’s more fucked up than any teenage girl who hasn’t caught her boyfriend making out with her father. She too agrees that it’s good that Cyclops and Emma aren’t together anymore, but I’m not sure how much weight I would give the opinion of a pretty blond who rubs elbows with demons. I’ll overlook a lot of flaws in pretty girls, but Magik is one of the few that is more likely to make a man cringe rather than give him a boner.

We then shift from a dramatic and heart-felt conversation to something more pragmatic and less gay. Going all the way back to All New X-men, Cyclops and his team have recruited a number of new mutants such as Eva, Christopher, Benjamin, and the latest being Fabio (a Mexican teenager not to be confused with the hot guy women of the 90s wanted to bone). Having gone through the trouble of turning an old Weapon X Facility into a brank spankin’ new Xavier Institute, they give these new mutants a hint at what they’re in for.

They start by reminding them of the Sentinel attack in the previous issue, which offers a nice sense of continuity in the story. Then they point out that they’re not alone. They’re the first of a new generation of mutants that is poised to populate the world like Evander Holyfield’s illegitimate kids. It offers a nice overview of what these kids are now caught up in. Since this is still only the second issue of this latest forced relaunch, it’s a nice touch in terms of setting the stage for this series.

And beyond the bigger picture of mutant relations, Cyclops even gives them a brief overview of their new home away from home. We already know they’ve been constructing a new Xavier Institute since the beginning of All New X-men. We don’t know how the fuck they manage that when they’re powers are broken and they’re wanted fugitives. I guess when you’ve got Magneto, demon-loving teenage girl, a rich ex-girlfriend with big tits you can pull strings. But given how quickly Wolverine slapped his Jean Grey Institute together, I won’t belabor the how and just marvel at the finished product. It may seem like needless exposition, taking the time to depict the layout of the new base when most readers could give a milliliter of wolf piss about such details. But I think that kind of attention to detail is what separates good comics from awesome comics. You can accuse Brian Bendis of a lot of things like being way too bald for a white guy, but you can’t accuse him of not paying attention to details in a story.

But as nice as their new digs are, the new mutants express concern about their families and the lives they’re leaving behind. Some are all too eager to get the fuck away from their boring ass lives. Fabio mentioned he was selling corndogs on a stick before his powers kicked in. Who would want to go back to that? But others, like Eva, still have a family and want to stay in touch with them. Cyclops makes it clear they’re not prisoners and can leave whenever they want. And unlike the cult leaders that demand all the cute young girls sleep in his bed to find God, he actually means it. So with Magik’s help, they create a few portals so they can check in with some of the insanely worried families. Again, it’s the kind of detail you don’t usually see in an X-men comic. Usually, when someone becomes a mutant, it’s all “fuck the family and let’s kill giant robots!” It adds yet another nice personal touch that really helps give this comic a unique feel.

While visiting a family may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Magneto is in a position to fuck it up. At the end of the previous issue, Bendis revealed in one of the least surprising twists of all time that Magneto was secretly coordinating with SHIELD to bring about Cyclops’s downfall. And for some reason Cyclops wasn’t suspicious in the slightest when Magneto shaved his head and opted to stay behind while they left. While it’s reasonable to assume that his conversation with SHIELD took place before the sentinel attack in the first issue, we still don’t get any clarification on the sequence of events that led to him shaving his head. But it is another instance of Bendis not skimping on the details and taking advantage of an established plot, as unsurprising as it may be.

The team arrives in Australia and they manage to avoid being bitten by one of the many poisonous snakes that inhabit the County that God clearly wanted to keep uninhabited. The newbies are still getting over the novelty of teleporting through Limbo. One of the students, Benjamin, actually seems turned on by it and seems to indicate that he wants to be the pitchfork to Magik’s devil-loving fetish. That’s a very poor dick joke, but you get what I mean. Magik does tell him to keep it in his pants because the point of the visit is to talk to Eva’s family. It makes for another nice moment where Eva reunites with her mother. It looks like she may even invite Cyclops’s team in for tea. It’s as pleasant a visit as they could have hoped for.

But we all know where this shit is going. Anyone who has followed the X-men in any capacity knows they don’t have pleasant visits anywhere. At some point they’re going to be attacked by giant robots, evil geneticists, or religious bigots. They might as well a deer in Ted Nugant’s back yard. However, this time they’re confronted by a very different threat. Before they left, Magneto informed SHIELD of where they were going and before they could even get sun-burned by the Australian sun the fucking Avengers show up. It’s another stern reminder that Cyclops is still a wanted fugitive because nobody wants to blame Tony fucking Stark for shooting big guns and waving his dick in the face of a cosmic force. Now I could argue in several blog posts why the Avengers are total assholes for wanting to throw Cyclops in a jail cell while Wolverine and Wanda run free, but I’ll save that for another case of whiskey. I would much rather just entertain thoughts at how fucked up this battle is going to be in the next issue.

If the first issue of this ridiculously forced re-launch of Uncanny X-men was intended to offer a general taste of Uncanny X-men, this second issue dug deep into the shit-stained bowels of the personalities behind this book. And remarkably, what emerges smells less like shit and more like scented rose petals carefully placed on Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. Whereas the previous issue gave you giant robots and a pseudo-twist that was less surprising than the number of people Seth MacFarlane pissed off with his Oscar jokes, this issue addressed those smaller issues that usually get overlooked in between battles with giant robots.

The conversation with Cyclops and Emma was the highlight and taking the time to visit the families of their new recruits perfectly complemented the theme of adding a personal touch. In some ways it got a bit too personal, almost to the point that it feels like it belonged in a gynecology office. But Bendis made this issue awesome by presenting the characters in a profoundly raw manner. These aren’t just X-men. They’re people with issues too fucked up for Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and most (but not all) reality TV shows.

Beyond the personal elements, this issue was wonderfully concise in how it followed the events of the previous issue. In addition to recruiting new mutants, Cyclops’s new team has to go through the fun of teaching a bunch of hormonal teenagers how to manage their powers. When one of them seems to be fantasizing about boning a demon-loving blond, you know you’ve got an uphill battle. But as Cyclops pointed out himself, Emma Frost is a very good and very competent teacher. Her ability to reach young minds is only equaled by her ability to cause boners. In addition, Bendis even took the time to give readers a layout of the new Xavier Institute. Unlike Wolverine’s Jean Grey Institute, it doesn’t have the architecture or style of a Lady Gaga concert nor does it reinforce his obscenely unhealthy obsession with a woman he never got to bone. It may seem trivial, but it’s these little details that make good comics great and great comics ball-bustingly awesome.

I get that some readers will probably be bored senseless or not appreciate the decompressed, detail-oriented story-telling Brian Bendis is using here. I’m sure many of those readers will read this issue and say “To hell with all this talking shit! Either show us your boobs or fight more giant robots!” Look, if you want that kind of Michael Bay-inspired action, go drop some LSD and watch the Matrix. But it’s not inaccurate to say that this issue was a setup issue in some sense that it just set the stage for Magneto’s betrayal to lead the Avengers right to Cyclops. It just completely ignores all those special personal moments that actually make readers give a damn about what happens to these characters. But if some people can ignore laws, facts, and birth certificates I guess some people can ignore those special little things that make comics awesome.

At this point, I’m still of the opinion that All New X-men is superior to Uncanny X-men, but not by much. Uncanny X-men is still behind in terms of awesome, but so close that it could smell a wet fart. I still have some reservations about little details like Magneto being bald, where the new uniforms came from, and how Magneto got back from SHIELD custody. But those are not the kind of details that are necessary to keep this book from earning my highest praise. I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 5 out of 5. If nothing else about this comic appeals to you, at least celebrate that Emma Frost and Cyclops are now single and ready to mingle! The race is on. Who will they bone next? I’m sure Bendis has plans and I’m equally sure fanfiction writers will have something horribly depraved. Either way, it’s a great time to be an X-man fan and/or to have a boner. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #1 - A Revolution In Awesome

A few years back I was at a funeral and after I had a few glasses of wine in me (or 20), I made a joke about a guy who put fire crackers in his ass and walked into a gay bar. I don't remember the details, but I do remember pissing a lot of people off because the deceased in question had died from an unfortunate accident at a fireworks stand. The guy's brother, who also had some wine in him, yelled, "Too soon!" and threw an empty wine bottle at me. The resulting bar fight got us kicked out of the funeral home/pool hall/tire care center. But a valid point was made. Sometimes you do have to wait a bit before you can be politically incorrect with your sense of humor again. I don't agree with it, but it spares us the indignity of being sued and a hefty bar tab.

The same logic applies to relaunched comic books. Like a bad joke about fireworks at a funeral, a relaunched series can come way too fucking soon if it was recently ended in a way that was anything but definitive. This goes double for when a series was already relaunched in the same span of time that can be covered by a couple of seasons of the Walking Dead. Ever since DC made relaunching the sexy thing to do, everyone seems to be trying to whore themselves out to the trend. Like parachute pants, the macarana, and the crocs certain trends in comics are a slave to gimmicks.

This is why I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I heard that Marvel was relaunching Uncanny X-men again. It really wasn't that long ago, even to a drunk that blacks out ever Friday night, that Marvel ended one of its longest running ongoing books with Uncanny X-men #544. I actually reviewed the damn book and thought it was a beautifully definitive ending to a landmark series. And when it was relaunched again as Uncanny X-men #1 under Kieron Gillen, I also reviewed that shit and thought the bar was raised even higher. But after only 20 fucking issues, it ended again so that it could be relaunched yet again as part of Marvel NOW!

Now let's not kid ourselves. Marvel wouldn't do this shit if it didn't work on some levels. They noticed with DC that comic fans are stupid enough to buy extra copies of any book so long as it has that magical #1 on the cover. I don't like it and it speaks very poorly of fanboys everywhere, but the sales speak for themselves and I'm not in a position to bitch about the basic rules of economics. Marvel and DC need to turn a profit and if these bullshit gimmicks work, they would be irresponsible to their yuppie shareholders if they didn't milk that teat until it was whithered and dry.

Relaunching Uncanny X-men again really isn't necessary. Uncanny X-men #20 ended with Cyclops and his Extinction Team in ruin. But since then, he's busted out of prison and rebuilt his team under a new revolutionary motto. It's put him on the shit list of the Avengers and his own fellow X-men, so much so that Beast fucked with the space time continuum to bring back the Original Five X-men. It suddenly make Cyclops admit that he was a douche, but it did set the stage for a new direction for his team. It could easily be a continuation of what Kieron Gillen started. However, I know and Marvel knows that they'll make a fuckton more money by relaunching it. So I guess for the sake of Marvel's profits and the cocaine-fueled orgies it provides for, Marvel is relaunching a new era of Uncanny X-men and Cyclops has yet another new team to lead.

Uncanny X-men #1 begins this new era by reminding readers that the X-men were fucked over with a cosmic sized dildo by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. SHIELD and the Avengers still consider Cyclops a fugitive because for some reason making a global utopia became a crime at some point. And to find him, they’ve found a mysterious and unrevealed figure who was captured and is willing to talk without their lawyer present. Apparently, this person hasn’t been arrested for public intoxication enough to know that the constitution can be your friend and can piss off those in uniform. But this person doesn’t seem to give a shit. After Maria Hill makes doubly sure that this person has been checked and searched in ways that even the TSA would find intrusive, she sits down with him to have a little chat. We don’t know who this person is, but since Bendis did indicate in earlier teasers that someone would betray Cyclops, readers should have a tiny inkling. Whether that inkling is correct or the result of sniffing too much paint thinner remains to be seen, but will be revealed soon enough.

The ominous figure basically gives Maria Hill and the readers by default an overview of their situation. The mutant population is growing faster than herpes at a Tijuana crack house and since the world is ill-equipped to deal with them, Cyclops has taken charge as the de-facto voice of this new generation. He’s no self-loathing Kurt Cobain either, despite being a fugitive and having killed Charles Xavier. He’s taking on a very revolutionary role, seeking to confront those who get boners from harassing mutants and forcing them to find other ways to jerk off. And while Cyclops may be a criminal in the eyes of SHIELD and the Avengers, he’s seen as a hero by many mutants and even a few humans.

We already saw hints of this in All New X-men #7 when a cute little bank teller showed her support for mutants by helping O5 Cyclops (and possibly wanting to bone him). But the whole notion that not everyone agrees with the Avenger’s official story of “Cyclops is evil because he tried to make a global utopia.” He’s still a hero in the eyes of many and that’s a good thing because the way Avengers vs. X-men ended made so little sense that the NFL has placed it in the same category as a concussion in terms of head injuries. It also adds some balance to Cyclops’s revolutionary approach. It shows that his approach actually is resonating with people and there’s not a damn thing that SHIELD or the Avengers can do about it.

As the mysterious traitor is explaining to SHIELD how fucked they are, we shift to events that apparently happened before this little interview. It’s a fairly typical scene in terms of an X-men story. A young mutant named Fabio (not to be confused with the guy women in the 90s fantasized about during sex) has manifested new powers that involve him shooting these strange looking balls from his body. There are just so many dick jokes I can make from that so I’ll take an extra shot of whiskey to hold back for now. The point here is that like the other new mutants in All New X-men, this unfortunate young man can’t control his powers and rather than help him the police decide to taze his unlucky ass. It’s the kind of thing we’ve seen in X-men comics many times before, but since this is a new #1 for Uncanny X-men it isn’t just appropriate for this issue. It’s almost as necessary as a beautiful woman with kinky sexual proclivities in a James Bond movie.

Since these cops have clearly decided that shit like due process and justice doesn’t apply to mutants, Cyclops and his team of revolutionaries show up to give them a brief lesson in the constitution. And unlike the boring civics classes we all took in high school, this one involves a hot Australian chick fucking with time. This is the same hot Australian chick from the first issue of All New X-men. Only now, she goes by the code-name Tempus and under Cyclops’s guidance she’s learned to control her powers to the point where she can create a big ass dome of space that would make Einstein himself proud. It allows them to subdue the authorities without making it hurt, which may be disappointing to anyone who ever got one too many bullshit traffic tickets. But at least it’s more efficient than their previous methods of just blowing shit up and it helps make a better impression on Fabio, who Cyclops attempts to help.

But as is often the case in any mission involving the X-men, killer robots show up. Now it’s not even hinted at by the mysterious traitor or anything for that matter where the fuck these sentinels came from and who sent them. I guess they’re available in every Wal-Mart or something because for some reason they’re able to just show up right where the X-men happen to be and fuck with them. This wouldn’t be too big a deal under most circumstances, but as was also revealed in All New X-men and repeatedly mentioned in the issue itself Cyclops’s team is operating with powers that have been utterly shat on by the Phoenix Force. Emma doesn’t have her telepathy. Cyclops can’t control his blasts. And Magneto doesn’t have the power to turn these robots into giant dildoes anymore.

It’s an important detail to reinforce because not only was this story first mentioned in All New X-men, but it adds a very difficult complication to Cyclops’s mission. It’s also a very stark shift from what they dealt with under Kieron Gillen. Before Avengers vs. X-men, Cyclops’s team wielded the kind of power that could take on a Celestial that had been hot wired by Sinister and come out largely intact. Now they’re powers are fucked up and they can barely handle typical sentinels, which forces them to improvise in the battle. Yet they still remain focused on helping the mutant. It provides a very different set of circumstances that helps make this book truly feel like a new #1.

Yet while their powers may be fucked up, that doesn’t mean they can’t pack a punch. As the mysterious traitor so eloquently narrates, Cyclops’s team was able to subdue to Sentinel attack and in a way so flashy you won’t find it outside a Lady Gaga concert. Cyclops, despite his powers being fucked up, manages to unleash a massive optic blast that effectively destroys the Sentinels and leaves him feeling like he just had a three way with Emma Frost and Jean Grey. He says it felt good and why shouldn’t it? When did destroying giant robots stop feeling good? But it does hint that his powers are more messed up than we think and if it can somehow lead to the destruction of more Sentinels, then the folks at SHIELD are even more fucked than they initially thought.

But enough with the ominous hints! Who the fuck is this traitor that knows so much about this battle? Well first off, he makes a clear point that it would be stupid to try and just kill Cyclops with your typical unwarranted, illegal drone strike. That would only make him a martyr to mutants everywhere. The only way to beat him is to humiliate him publically in a way that can only be matched by having him shit himself while wearing a dress during the halftime show at the Superbowl. And who is in the best position to do that? How about fucking Magneto?

Yep! He’s the traitor. The guy who used to try to kill the X-men at least once a week has betrayed Cyclops. Excuse me while I act more unsurprised than I did when I found out one of the members of N’sync was gay. He claims that he’s pissed at Cyclops for killing Charles Xavier and fucking up his powers. His powers I can understand, but this guy used to torment Xavier like it gave him a hard-on. It’s only now that someone else has succeeded that he’s pissed? I find that to be pretty fucked up logic, but I think him being pissed about his powers more than makes up for it. I won’t say this is a big twist by any stretch because it’s fucking Magneto. But I will say that it is perfectly appropriate given the context of this book.

So in the end this new era of X-men begins with a sentinel attack, fucked up powers, new mutants, a traitor in the team, and a bald Magneto. It’s basically a pretty typical Thursday night in the Marvel universe where someone brought one too many kegs. The challenge for any comic that slaps a #1 on the front cover is to actually make it feel like a #1 and not just another cheap tactic by the Marvel marketing department. I personally don’t mind when a whore takes my money so long as I get something out of it, even if it stains my bed sheets. I know some do and I would tell those people to unclench their assholes because even if it is a shameless gimmick, it can still make for an awesome product. Uncanny X-men #1 succeeded in being worthy of that #1 and it didn’t even leave a stain on my bed sheets!

After reading this issue, it really does feel like a different kind of Uncanny X-men compared to what Kieron Gillen did during his run. This is a different team with a different set of circumstances. Yet on the surface, the mission is beautifully traditional in that it gets to the most basic elements of an X-men story. A new mutant has manifested powers and the authorities only response seems to be shitting themselves and harassing them, hopefully in that order. The X-men show up to help the new mutant and shit gets a little messy when killer robots enter the picture, as they so often do.

But what set this issue apart was twist at the end. Maybe it doesn’t count as a twist because Brian Bendis already pointed out months ago when we were still eating Christmas leftovers that there would be a traitor in Cyclops’s team. Well, this is one instance where the traitor doesn’t exactly make the readers gasp like they just saw their father in a gay porno, but it does make perfect sense. Magneto being the traitor just works and his little narration with SHIELD nicely summarized the current state of mutant affairs. A first issue needs to have some level of exposition and the problem with most comics is it either becomes more boring than a Dick Cheney interview or the writers just say, “Fuck it! Bring in the killer robots!” This issue struck a solid if not poetic balance. However, Magneto being bald still makes him look like a pedophile.

While this issue succeeded in being a worthy first issue of a new era of Uncanny X-men, it did have a few prominent flaws. First and foremost, it basically ignored the events of All New X-men. We already know about Cyclops’s new revolutionary team from what happened in All New X-men. We also saw him look like a baby in a topless bar when he saw his younger self and a young Jean Grey. However, that seemed to have about as much effect on his actions in this comic as another DUI for Lindsey Lohan. Moreover, there was no mention of where the fuck he got that new X-shaped visor. I’m not channeling my inner metrosexual or anything, but he didn’t have that shit in All New X-men. So where the fuck did it come from and why wasn’t it explained? Even if you didn’t read All New X-men before you read this issue (and your tastes in comics are utterly fucked if you skipped that book), there’s still the matter of how Magneto ended up with SHIELD anyways. These are the kinds of plot holes that you just can’t cover in mud and claim it was fucked by a horny grizzly and it does make the comic feel incomplete.

Brian Michael Bendis has taken over the X-men comics in a big way. All New X-men has already established him as the man who brought Jean Grey back into the X-books without using the Phoenix. That alone would earn him free blow jobs from every hot cos-player for the rest of the year. But he’s leaving a much bigger mark with his work on Uncanny X-men. His first issue succeeded in being a first issue and in setting up this new world for Uncanny X-men. It isn’t quite as awesome as what he’s done with All New X-men, but he’s got all the necessary tools to make this every bit as awesome. I give Uncanny X-men #1 a 4 out of 5. So the revolution has begun! Cyclops isn’t boning Emma Frost anymore, but he’s still destroying giant robots and pissing Magneto off to the point where he has to shave his head. I’ve never been much for revolutions that don’t offer free booze, but I’m ready to sign up for this one! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #1 Lettered Preview

Brian Michael Bendis has shown that he can write a damn good X-men comic with All New X-men. As such, X-men fans should be both excited and anxious to see how his other X-book, Uncanny X-men pans out. Unlike All New X-men, he's not starting from scratch. He's following up a very high-quality, very awesome run by Kieron Gillen. Having reviewed most of Gillen's run, I can say without reservation that Bendis can't wait too long to start shitting diamonds if he wants to match that quality. We've had a few previews released over the past few weeks, but they were all unlettered and could mean way too many things to a guy strung out on booze and pot so I didn't want to post them less I write something too ridiculous for the internet about them. But today, CBR finally released a lettered preview and I'm so proud to post it that I'm almost sober!

I have every intention of reviewing this book when it comes out so let's hope I'm getting drunk for all the right reasons when the time comes. Nuff said!