Uncanny X-men #2: Nuff Said!

Admit it. You’d probably would’ve voted for Mitt Romney if he could prove definitively that electing him President would drastically increase internet speeds, eliminate all pop-up ads, and allow all bottles of whiskey to be tax deductible. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or even a petty one. It just means that you get behind people who can get shit done. If Magneto ever ran for President, I imagine he’d get plenty of votes on the basis that he’d disembowel every mullah in Iran who denied the holocaust. Sadly, he and the rest of the mutant race need more than votes right now.

Cullen Bunn has continued his efforts to make Magneto the most badass X-men villain of all time. That or he’s trying to give Michael Fassbender more sex appeal. I’m not sure. But in his new Uncanny X-men series, he has Magneto giving the mutant race and the humans who spit on them an excessively hard kick in the balls. But in Uncanny X-men #2, he has to kick a little harder because everyone wants to get in on the mutant-bashing action. Inhumans fans, get ready to jerk off. X-men fans, I hope you skipped lunch.

As much fun as it is seeing Magneto kick scared mutants in the balls, it’s still way more fun watching Mystique kick ass. It’s easier to fap too as well. She finally makes her post-Secret Wars debut and she’s still doing what she does best. She’s living the dream, which is to say she’s living the lives of others, and she’s looking damn sexy doing it. In other words, she’s still the same Mystique we know and love. Marvel just didn’t see fit to fuck her over like they did Cyclops. I guess Jennifer Lawrence has that kind of effect on a character.

But like the IRS at a fundraiser for the Koch brothers, someone comes along the way to fuck up Mystique’s stolen life. She’s living happily as a cute blond at a San Francisco tech company. She’s not even the hipster type. Then, some random Secret Service rejects come along to ruin everything. Mystique responds in the most appropriate way possible by kicking the everloving shit out of them. And she does it in a way that I’m sure even Jennifer Lawrence would approve of.

Once she’s done kicking ass and making my penis happy, she ditches the company and rejoins some mysterious partner. Not much is revealed, but these partners are either dedicated Hellfire Club cos-players or they’re from the motherfucking Hellfire Club. I’m fine with either. Hell, I’m surprised the Hellfire Club didn’t extend the red carpet to Mystique sooner. But if she’s spying for them, at least she has good tastes. We don’t know much about what she’s after, but we do know that working for the Hellfire Club comes with a free supply of thongs. So I guess everyone wins.

There’s not nearly as much mystery with Magneto and Psylocke’s mission. In the first issue, they rescued a mutant healer who was too chicken shit to tough it out through these dark times for the mutant race. He tried to put himself in hibernation until the world stopped fucking over the mutant race. Granted, he probably would’ve had to wait until the day Fox went bankrupt, but Magneto managed to get his ass in gear. Then, he got himself killed by the Dark Riders. So either way, he was fucked.

Finding his dead body actually makes for a dramatic moment for Magneto. Keep in mind, this guy knows a thing or two about an entire race being devastated by poison gas. The main difference is he doesn’t bitch and moan about Cyclops. He’s just looking to find out who killed this mutant so he can determine whether he needs to rip their spine out of their assholes or their noses.

There’s a little drama with Psylocke as well. She’s providing psychic support and identifying other healers that might be a target for a Colombian necktie. So the mission to save healers is still ongoing. But she gets distracted briefly by Arcangel’s appearance. It’s another ominous hint on top of the ones we get in the first issue. This isn’t the same bad boy Arcangel that once made Psylocke’s thong-loving ass so hot. This is a mindless drone version of Arcangel who has only slightly more personality than Kristen Stewart. It’s only a teaser for now, but like a nipple slip an awards show, it offers some tantalizing possibilities.

As for the possibility of sexual tension between Monet and Sabretooth? Well, it’s not quite as tantalizing, but it’s close enough. While Magneto tries to figure out who maimed the healer they freed, these two are on a mission to save another healer. It’s perfectly in line with the overall theme thus far. Someone is targeting healers the same way the Epic Meal Time guys target bacon. It might not sound like a big deal, but at a time when 8-month time skips cause more plot holes than the last two seasons of Lost, they count for something.

And while I’m still not sold on an inverted Sabretooth, I will say his teasing with Monet was pretty fun. He might be an inverted prick, but he’s got a sense of humor about it. In a series that has such dark themes, it offers some much-needed balance. He’s no Deadpool, but maybe that’s setting expectations too high, especially when he’s got a movie coming out that might actually not suck.

Sabretooth and Monet find their healer and for the moment, he doesn’t have a bullet hole in his chest. This one happens to be a more familiar face. It’s Elixir, whose exploits include being on X-Force and banging the Stepford Cuckoos. That’s not a bad resume to say the least. But I guess X-Force and sexy blond triplets was just too exciting for him because he’s now trying help people without his powers. So he’s joined this charity in Vermont.

It’s a perfectly noble endeavor. He claims he’s not sure just how much his powers are helping people. At a time when mutants are less popular than explosive diarrhea or NRA lobbyists, that’s probably a good thing. He doesn’t even blame Cyclops for his current situation, which already puts him above 90 percent of the X-men. But there’s a distinct sincerity to his current state in that he’s just not sure what to do with himself. And sincerity in comics these days is rarer than an intelligent conversation with Jessica Simpson.

Whatever conflict Elixir feels ends up meaning jack shit once the Dark Riders arrive. Just as they did with the last healer, they show up and hit with the force of the 85 Bears on crack. This time, the X-men have a chance to protect Elixir. It leads to a short, but pretty damn visceral battle. It’s the kind of battle that brings out the strengths in Greg Land’s art. The Gloria Steinmans of the world might bitch and moan about how he draws every woman like a Victoria’s Secret model, but even they would have to admit his action scenes are pretty damn good.

The battle gets bloody very fast. The Dark Riders don’t just target Elixir. They target any innocent person around him. And keep in mind, this isn’t a UFC fight night. This is a fucking charity. It hits hard and makes for heavy drama. Again, it plays to the strengths of Sabretooth and Monet’s style as well as Greg Land’s art. Eventually, Elixir finally stops being a pussy and shows his strengths as well.

Despite looking more shell shocked than Mormon at a gay bar, Elixir finally decides to put his powers to good use. He’s able to heal everyone the Dark Riders maimed. It’s another moment that nicely builds on the drama that Cullen Bunn is so good at building. If Elixir has any lingering reservations about the good he can do with his powers, then he’s just being difficult.

There’s just one slight problem. While Elixir might have saved all these innocent people, he basically slathered steak sauce on his body and jumped into a den of hungry bears. Because Sabretooth figures out just a second too late that this is exactly what the Dark Riders wanted him to do. By using his powers out in the open, he basically gave them a big, shiny target and they took it. It leaves Elixir with a hole in his chest and a couple of demoralized X-men in his wake. It’s a heavy moment and one that has just the right impact. I would offer my sympathy to Elixir fans, but I’d rather they just seek Jean Grey and Richard Rider fans for support.

So...is it awesome?

Well if I’m going to judge this book by how hard Magneto’s team kicks the mutant race in the balls, I can only say yes, for the most part. Nobody is going to be rendered sterile just yet, but that’s not to say the potential isn’t there. While this might be bad news to my future grandchildren, it’s promising news for this story. It’s concise, dramatic, and flows nicely from the first issue. They’re like Megan Fox’s ass in a Michael Bay movie. It just works.

That’s not to say Uncanny X-men #2 has only as much depth as a Michael Bay movie. It certainly has more and doesn’t need giant robots or mutant turtles to move the plot along. The mission to protect healers fits nicely within the overall narrative of mutants being fucked more than all the gangbangs in a German porno. But between Mystique’s mysterious role, the role of the Dark Riders, and the unexplained sexual tension between Monet and Sabretooth, there are some shortcomings. But none of these shortcomings involve bitching about Cyclops or kissing an Inhuman’s ass. So that still counts for a lot.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #3 - All Talk, All Awesome

I consider myself an atypical American patriot with a drinking problem. I say atypical because even at my most drunk and most sober, I’m not so blinded by the red, white, and blue mantra that I cry uncontrollably when I hear the Star Spangled Banner. I have functioning balls last I checked and a head with a few functioning brain cells that I haven’t damaged yet. That means I’m not going stick my head in the same pit as Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity and say that America’s school system is in the shitter, our health care system is below average at best, and our policy of sending drones to murder people is fucked up. That also means I’m not going to defend the de-facto super-patriot that represents America in Marvel comics, which happens to be Captain America.

When it comes to my sentiment of Cap and the Avengers, I’ve been about as subtle on this blog as a bad hangover. I think their assholes were left way too intact at the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They had the billion-dollar movie. They had Joss fucking Whedon. They had Sam fucking Jackson. Conversely, the X-men had X3, Wolverine Origins, and Brett fucking Ratner. So while I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that they came out with their shit smelling like French perfume, the extent to which the X-men were screwed simply defies my drunken abilities.

Now I don’t care to go over all the ways in which the Avengers were dead wrong and utter assholes over the course of Avengers vs. X-men. I know I sound like I’m shooting a dead horse with a bazooka here, but this issue is still not resolved in the comics. And it’s still very relevant in the pages of Uncanny X-men. It’s because the Avengers came out on top that Cyclops is a wanted fugitive, Emma Frost no longer lets him see her naked, and Magneto is secretly aiding SHIELD. Now that’s not to say Cyclops is innocent either. He’s still been a straight-A dick-cheese on more than one occasion. But he’s starting a new revolution in the pages of Uncanny X-men and he’s still stuck having to work around all the ways he was screwed over in Avengers vs. X-men.

The first two issues of Uncanny X-men have basically been Brian Michael Bendis showing how Cyclops’s new team functions in this new world where the Avengers have clean assholes and mutants are being shit on all over the world. He hasn’t exactly been subtle (or peaceful) in his efforts to protect a new generation of mutants, but he has succeeded in recruiting a handful of eager young teenagers. And he’s even managed to gain some public support as Cyclops has become sort of the Bill Murray while the Avengers are David Hasselhoff. The world doesn’t know that he killed Charles Xavier and even if they did, him being fucked up on the Phoenix Force still helps his case. Plus, he still can say he boned Emma Frost AND Jean Grey. That alone should earn him respect in any universe.

But ever since he busted out of jail, it has only been a matter of time before his new team crossed paths with the Avengers again. And at the end of Uncanny X-men #2, Magneto hastened that confrontation in the same way giving firecrackers to a 5-year-old hastens a trip to the emergency room. After one of the new mutants, Eva, convinces the team to visit her family in Australia, he called up SHIELD to let the Avengers know where Cyclops was going to be. Now it’s Avengers vs. X-men Part 2: Whose Shit Stinks The Least?

The first thing that happens in Uncanny X-men #3 is we find out that Tempest, the X-men's newest Aussie time-displacing mutant, admires Captain America the most. Hell, she even wrote a school essay about it. And it sounds like she actually wrote it while sober. I never had an essay topic that I felt that passionately about so that says a lot about this girl. But unfortunately, she gets to confront her idol while he and the Avengers are being a douche because once that flashback is over, she and the rest of Cyclops's team are standing face-to-face with the Avengers again. They still have a hard-on for throwing Cyclops in jail for murder. If only they could be as dedicated in throwing third world dictators that use the skulls of their victims as dildos in jail, then maybe they wouldn't come off as total assholes.

What comes next is an argument that should have happened immediately after the end of Avengers vs. X-men, which is someone pointing out that Tony fucking Stark was responsible for fucking up the Phoenix Force in Avengers vs. X-men. And this is pointed out by a woman he once fucked no less, namely Emma Frost. I don't know why, but something about that makes this scene all the more satisfying. It's like a girl telling a guy to fuck off just as he was about to give her herpes. And she's completely right. Iron Man and the Avengers were responsible for the shit that happened with the Phoenix, yet they want Cyclops and Emma to pay for it. That's like having a house party where you burned the house down and making the guy you set on fire pay for a new house.

Even if this scene was way overdue, I found it very satisfying. Bendis once again shows that he's great at playing on tension, especially between characters that have boned. However, the argument is somewhat unbalanced. Everything Emma and Cyclops say is perfectly valid. But all the Avengers respond with is "You killed Charles Xavier. You got to jail, motherfucker." That's the only substance to their argument. They don't address their role in Avengers vs. X-men...again. Iron Man claims he helped fix the Phoenix Force when he broke it with his big micro-dick compensating gun, but he didn't do shit. That was all Hope freakin' Summers. Yet nobody pointed that out. While I'm glad to see the Avengers get pwned in a way they should have long ago, it was still more unbalanced than a bipolar schizophrenic off their meds.

Eventually, the debate shifts away from who fucked up during Avengers vs. X-men the most. Cyclops rightly points out to the Avengers that mutants are being treated in the same way the Vatican treats abused alter boys, namely by ignoring them. They point out that the mutants they've saved were arrested and harassed by the authorities for reasons that essentially boiled down to "They made me shit my pants! Arrest them!" Captain America claims they are doing something about it by hiring Havok for their Uncanny Avengers team. But that's like saying you're going to solve global warming by not farting anymore. It's a hollow gesture that doesn't change how mutants are being treated. Cyclops knows this. Captain America doesn't seem to give enough shits see that as well.

It's a debate the Avengers aren't winning and aren't even trying to win from the looks of it. Everything Cyclops and Emma tell them are valid. And they aren't even assholes about it (well, Emma is still a bitch, but that's besides the point). They even ask some of the Avengers to join them in helping mutants, which is pretty remarkable seeing as how these are the same assholes that threw them in jail. Even Tempest, the girl who said in a flashback that she admired Captain America the most, came out and said that she was arrested for being a mutant. She is living proof that they're not doing dick to help people like her.

The Avengers only have one recourse in the end. It essentially boils down to "Fuck it! Let's just kick their ass and forget all the perfectly valid points they made!" Hawkeye best embodies this spirit of who gives a shit? He and the rest of the Avengers make it clear that Cyclops and Emma can't sweet talk their way out of jail. They still blame them for the death of Charles Xavier and not the assholes who put them in that position in the first place. So does this mean we're going to get yet another round of Avengers vs. X-men? Is this yet another big overhyped event that will give Michael Bay some disturbing new ideas for his movies?

In short, fuck no. There's no need to get it up for that overfucked corpse of a story. Before the Avengers can channel their inner LAPD, Tempest steps in and freezes the Avengers in a time bubble. So even though she says she admired Captain America the most, she's not willing to ignore it when he's responsible for a dick move. I think that adds a little extra drama too the moment, having someone who admitted to admiring Captain America so much be the one that had to stop him. It allows the X-men to avoid another damaging battle and it also gives Tempest time to say goodbye to her mother again. Cyclops even does a little granstanding for the folks with camera phones. Is it shameless? Hell yes. Does it help reinforce the point that mutants are screwed and the Avengers don't give a shit? Fuck the hell yes.

While they leave Australia emboldened and intact, they return to their base with yet another unpleasant confrontation. In the first issue of Uncanny X-men, we found out that Magneto did something really fucked up in that he shaved his head and betrayed the team. In the previous issue, he opted to stay behind and call SHIELD so the Avengers could be there in the first place. That makes it pretty fucking obvious who tipped them off and Cyclops is none too happy about it. The confrontation here has the potential to be way more volatile than the one they had with the Avengers. Cyclops just can't seem to get a break in that he just pwned the Avengers. Now he's being betrayed.

However, Bendis throws in a twist that M. Night Shyamalan would scoff at. Magneto admits to betraying the team, but he claims he does it for a strategic reason. He's actually playing the role of a double agent, earning SHIELD's trust so that the team could have a leg up on the authorities that seem hell bent on throwing them and every mutant like them in jail. Cyclops is not happy with it, but everyone else seems to think it's fucking brilliant. It is on some levels, but in terms of story it effectively nullifies any tension that was established in the first two issues. So Magneto isn't actually betraying them. That was just a ruse and if you fell for it, then tough shit. All that really came of it is Magneto ended up bald.

The team seems fairly eager to forgive Magneto for going behind their backs. Cyclops still doesn't like it, but it does present them with some pretty compelling opportunities. After things settle, they find out from a news broadcast in Australia that the Avengers are still frozen in time. In addition, Tempest's mother says on camera that the Avengers were acting like assholes. It can only be a good thing for Cyclops's team because that means the Avengers can't stop them if they choose to fuck with them. Magik even suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging all their toilets, probably after binging on expired Mexican food. But Cyclops has something more pragmatic in mind and involves less strain on their assholes. I still would go to the tower and put crazy glue on all the condoms and tampons they have, but I guess Cyclops isn't as willing to push his luck.

Instead of fucking with the Avengers, he and his team choose to pay a visit to the Jean Grey Institute. Since no Avengers are going to be there to arrest them, that means they're free to make their pitch to any of the mutants who have gotten sick of Wolverine's training. It also means they're poised to confront the Original Five again, who they initially encountered in All New X-men. Seeing as how that confrontation was flat out ignored in the first two issues, we may actually see something come of it now. Plus, it means Cyclops will be in a position to shoot Wolverine again. And that can only make any comic more awesome!

I get the sense that this issue of Uncanny X-men was written explicitly for the fans who were pissed off by the end of Avengers vs. X-men. For that, I owe Brian Michael Bendis and Chris Belacho a round of beer, a few joints, and a line of my best blow. This could have easily become one of those comics where they just copied and pasted the battle scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and saved themselves the time and trouble of actually doing some work. But that didn't happen here. Cyclops and his team confronted the Avengers, but they didn't pwn them by just beating them. Everyone from the Red Skull to Thanos knows that shit doesn't work. Instead, they beat them by pointing out how they were just as responsible, if not more so, for fucking up during the events of Avengers vs. X-men. This is something I have pointed out multiple times on this blog, both sober and drunk. It took a while for my arguments to show up in a comic book, but it was worth the wait and the extra liver damage!

Now whenever a comic is mostly talk and not much action, there's always a risk that it's going to turn out boring, lame, or fucked up. Comic fans these days have been raised on a steady supply of mindless action featuring killer robots, macho men, and big-breasted women dominating movies, TV shows, and comics. While this issue had the macho men and big-breasted women part down thanks to the presence of Captain America and Emma Frost, there wasn't much mindless action. You actually had to read and think for most of this issue and for some people, that's just unacceptable. But for me, I say fuck those people! By not having mindless action, this issue was all the more awesome.

Brian Michael Bendis has been very consistent in terms of making the dramatic moments count and taking things slowly over the course of a story. In both All New X-men and Uncanny X-men, the big action scenes that involve shit blowing up actually are pretty rare when you get right down to it. Bendis's greatest strength is his ability to really develop the characters and the circumstances surrounding them. With three issues of Uncanny X-men, he's set up a pretty awesome theme. Cyclops and his team are on the run. They're trying to help the new generation of mutants while the Avengers won't loosen their panties and insist on throwing him in jail while they do jack shit for mutants. Seriously, do they really think they can do as much good as Cyclops could do with Alex freakin' Summers? I think not.

The one issue that may be a buzzkill on par with your parents finding your porno stash is Magneto's so-called betrayal. While I admit it makes perfect sense to work smarter and not harder when your powers are on the fritz, but Magneto pretending to betray the X-men just kills whatever tension there may have been surrounding this plot. It could have made for a very daunting challenge for Cyclops and his team to face. Now it's just another act of pwnage that could blow up in their face and probably will. I get that Magneto's triple-cross was meant to give the team a tactical edge, but it just seemed like another missed opportunity. I actually believed Magneto in the first issue when he said he wanted Cyclops to suffer for killing Charles Xavier. Now he's just shrugging that shit off, continuing to be Cyclops's de-facto lieutenant. It essentially puts Magneto back into the same position he was in before Avengers vs. X-men. The only difference now is that he shaved his head and that rarely works for an old white guy.

But Uncanny X-men #3 wasn't about Magneto's betrayal. It was about pwning the Avengers and in that sense it succeeded. Cyclops and his team didn't have to bitch-slap Captain America to prove their point. They only needed to make his balls shrivel to the point that they could work around him. And now they are. Cyclops's team is in position to get around SHIELD and the Avengers while continuing their goal of helping a new generation of mutants. And now they're also poised to get a few new recruits from the Jean Grey Institute, and maybe cop a feel from a teenage Jean Grey in the process. If that isn't an epic win, then how much close can you possibly get without the use of blow? I give Uncanny X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. After reading this issue, I stood up proudly and said "Suck it, Avengers!" Of course, that ended up getting me thrown out of the Starbucks, but one of the baristas was a comic fan so I got her number. Guess that's an epic win for both me and Cyclops! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 - Heart-To-Heart Awesome

I imagine having to work closely with your ex is more awkward than having your prostate exam filmed in IMAX and showed in 3D in front of your whole family on your wedding day. There's a good reason why God gave human beings the ability to feel bitter and scorned. When two people have loved, boned, and lost their capacity to coordinate is complicated to a point where you would have a better chance teaching a cricket advanced calculus than finding a way to make it work. Bitterness is nature's way of telling us shit isn't working out and you'll only make it worse by trying.

Unfortunately, Cyclops and Emma Frost don't have the luxury of moving to different hemispheres and expunging all memories of one another through bitterness, alcohol, and revenge sex. After the events of Avengers vs. X-men, their long-standing relationship that had Marvel had been pimping like a hooker with fresh breast implants for nearly a decade came to an end. There's just no coming back from lashing out at one another while high on cosmic force. I also imagine that Emma mind-humping Namor while he laid waste to Wakanda didn't help either. Brian Michael Bendis said outright when his relaunch of Uncanny X-men was first announced that Cyclops and Emma Frost would no longer be romantically involved. Yet they would be stuck on the same team because when you're a fugitive and your powers are fucked up, you don't have the luxury of not teaming up with your ex.

I admit I never thought Marvel would do this because for so long they seemed hopelessly intent on making Cyclops/Emma the number one fuck buddies in the Marvel universe. I wouldn't have had a problem with this if they actually did what they did for other famous comic book couples and built up their relationship. Instead, they decided to make it one long re-run of Two and a Half Men, consisting mostly of bed scenes ripped off from old pornos and one-liners that essentially robbed both characters of their romantic credibility. Now I'm all for tits, asses, dicks, and butts in my comic books. But if the intent was to make Cyclops and Emma's love more mature and powerful than Cyclops and Jean, then that's not the way to go about it. That would be like trying to make Jessica Alba hotter by rubbing shit on her face. I made many rants on this blog about how unwilling Marvel was to create any tension with this couple. Yet here I am, my jaw open and my dick hard at their decision to break them up. And for that, I applaud them.

But as surprised I was to see Cyclops and Emma break up, I was equally surprised to see them remain on the same team. All New X-men and Uncanny X-men #1 show that they are taking part in a new mutant revolution. In addition to ending their relationship, Avengers vs. X-men kick started the mutant race again. And Cyclops isn't dicking around. He's taking a far more revolutionary approach because he doesn't think the human race is going to react in a calm, rational manner in dealing with the sudden re-emergence of the mutant race after having gotten so used to dealing with them as an endangered species. He's not wrong, but he's still being a dick about it. That was the main reason why Magneto visited SHIELD in Uncanny X-men #1 with the intent of helping Cyclops lose more than his access to Emma Frost's pussy. So in a team with a bitter ex-girlfriend and a bitter teammate, Cyclops's revolution is already on shaky ground.

Uncanny X-men #2 takes plenty of time to explore these shaky grounds on which Cyclops is building his revolution. We first explore the inner musings of a pissed off ex-girlfriend. While I’m sure my ex-girlfriends probably thought more about where they would hide the dead bodies, Emma Frost dwells on how utterly broken she is. And Bendis doesn’t skimp on the details either. She reflects on how she fucked her powers up and how she fucked her relationship with Cyclops up by listening to the wet spot in her panties when she was around Namor. She really is broken in that the life she had before Avengers vs. X-men is in complete ruin.

But as dramatic as this musing is, a more striking musing is that she actually takes the time to blame Tony Stark for the shit that happened with the Phoenix Force. This is the first time any character has actually noted that it was Mr. I-Shoot-Shit-With-Big-Guns-And-I’m-Not-Referring-To-My-Penis who fucked the Phoenix up. And it comes from someone better known for her bra size than her brain. For that, I applaud Emma Frost for crafting the most rational musings of an ex-girlfriend in the history of humanity. That and she still has a nice rack.

Eventually, Cyclops confronts her before those thoughts of hiding dead bodies can enter her mind. From here, she and Cyclops have a true heart-to-heart. It’s a conversation that was long overdue and one that was building since the end of Avengers vs. X-men. They essentially clear the air in that they make clear that they’re not going to be seeing each other naked anymore, but they will make an effort to work together for the sake of these new mutants. Bendis doesn’t leave any Matt Fraction-style ambiguity here in that he has Cyclops and Emma make clear that they can’t get back together after the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. And it makes perfect sense too. You just can’t go back from ripping cosmic forces out of one another and boning other people in your mind while they lay waste to a country. But having been together and exchanged an untold amount of bodily fluids, they trust each other and know they can help one another.

Reading this conversation gave me a tingly feeling I usually don’t get without a blowjob and a bag of premium Mexican weed. Having gone on so many drunken rants about the flaws in the Cyclops/Emma relationship that have emerged over the past few years, it’s actually a great relief to see them part ways in such a clean, amicable way. None of my post-breakup conversations with ex’s have ever gone this well. Hell, most didn’t end without some kind of property damage. But even though Bendis already made it clear that the relationship is over, there’s a certain power in seeing it truly end on-panel. While I know the Cyclops/Emma fanboys may be bawling like someone shoved a peeled onion up their ass, it is a historic moment. Cyclops and Emma as a couple are no more. Excuse me while I raise my bottle of Jack Daniels to commemorate this moment.

Like many powerful moments in comics, there’s an inevitable buzzkill and it’s not uncommon for a very disturbed teenager to be involved. This is certainly no exception. After Cyclops and Emma have their moment, Magik shows up to let them know their new students are ready for a little orientation. Unlike the others, her powers weren’t fucked up by the Phoenix Force and somehow she ended up becoming even more creepy. Even Cyclops and Emma concede she’s more fucked up than any teenage girl who hasn’t caught her boyfriend making out with her father. She too agrees that it’s good that Cyclops and Emma aren’t together anymore, but I’m not sure how much weight I would give the opinion of a pretty blond who rubs elbows with demons. I’ll overlook a lot of flaws in pretty girls, but Magik is one of the few that is more likely to make a man cringe rather than give him a boner.

We then shift from a dramatic and heart-felt conversation to something more pragmatic and less gay. Going all the way back to All New X-men, Cyclops and his team have recruited a number of new mutants such as Eva, Christopher, Benjamin, and the latest being Fabio (a Mexican teenager not to be confused with the hot guy women of the 90s wanted to bone). Having gone through the trouble of turning an old Weapon X Facility into a brank spankin’ new Xavier Institute, they give these new mutants a hint at what they’re in for.

They start by reminding them of the Sentinel attack in the previous issue, which offers a nice sense of continuity in the story. Then they point out that they’re not alone. They’re the first of a new generation of mutants that is poised to populate the world like Evander Holyfield’s illegitimate kids. It offers a nice overview of what these kids are now caught up in. Since this is still only the second issue of this latest forced relaunch, it’s a nice touch in terms of setting the stage for this series.

And beyond the bigger picture of mutant relations, Cyclops even gives them a brief overview of their new home away from home. We already know they’ve been constructing a new Xavier Institute since the beginning of All New X-men. We don’t know how the fuck they manage that when they’re powers are broken and they’re wanted fugitives. I guess when you’ve got Magneto, demon-loving teenage girl, a rich ex-girlfriend with big tits you can pull strings. But given how quickly Wolverine slapped his Jean Grey Institute together, I won’t belabor the how and just marvel at the finished product. It may seem like needless exposition, taking the time to depict the layout of the new base when most readers could give a milliliter of wolf piss about such details. But I think that kind of attention to detail is what separates good comics from awesome comics. You can accuse Brian Bendis of a lot of things like being way too bald for a white guy, but you can’t accuse him of not paying attention to details in a story.

But as nice as their new digs are, the new mutants express concern about their families and the lives they’re leaving behind. Some are all too eager to get the fuck away from their boring ass lives. Fabio mentioned he was selling corndogs on a stick before his powers kicked in. Who would want to go back to that? But others, like Eva, still have a family and want to stay in touch with them. Cyclops makes it clear they’re not prisoners and can leave whenever they want. And unlike the cult leaders that demand all the cute young girls sleep in his bed to find God, he actually means it. So with Magik’s help, they create a few portals so they can check in with some of the insanely worried families. Again, it’s the kind of detail you don’t usually see in an X-men comic. Usually, when someone becomes a mutant, it’s all “fuck the family and let’s kill giant robots!” It adds yet another nice personal touch that really helps give this comic a unique feel.

While visiting a family may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, Magneto is in a position to fuck it up. At the end of the previous issue, Bendis revealed in one of the least surprising twists of all time that Magneto was secretly coordinating with SHIELD to bring about Cyclops’s downfall. And for some reason Cyclops wasn’t suspicious in the slightest when Magneto shaved his head and opted to stay behind while they left. While it’s reasonable to assume that his conversation with SHIELD took place before the sentinel attack in the first issue, we still don’t get any clarification on the sequence of events that led to him shaving his head. But it is another instance of Bendis not skimping on the details and taking advantage of an established plot, as unsurprising as it may be.

The team arrives in Australia and they manage to avoid being bitten by one of the many poisonous snakes that inhabit the County that God clearly wanted to keep uninhabited. The newbies are still getting over the novelty of teleporting through Limbo. One of the students, Benjamin, actually seems turned on by it and seems to indicate that he wants to be the pitchfork to Magik’s devil-loving fetish. That’s a very poor dick joke, but you get what I mean. Magik does tell him to keep it in his pants because the point of the visit is to talk to Eva’s family. It makes for another nice moment where Eva reunites with her mother. It looks like she may even invite Cyclops’s team in for tea. It’s as pleasant a visit as they could have hoped for.

But we all know where this shit is going. Anyone who has followed the X-men in any capacity knows they don’t have pleasant visits anywhere. At some point they’re going to be attacked by giant robots, evil geneticists, or religious bigots. They might as well a deer in Ted Nugant’s back yard. However, this time they’re confronted by a very different threat. Before they left, Magneto informed SHIELD of where they were going and before they could even get sun-burned by the Australian sun the fucking Avengers show up. It’s another stern reminder that Cyclops is still a wanted fugitive because nobody wants to blame Tony fucking Stark for shooting big guns and waving his dick in the face of a cosmic force. Now I could argue in several blog posts why the Avengers are total assholes for wanting to throw Cyclops in a jail cell while Wolverine and Wanda run free, but I’ll save that for another case of whiskey. I would much rather just entertain thoughts at how fucked up this battle is going to be in the next issue.

If the first issue of this ridiculously forced re-launch of Uncanny X-men was intended to offer a general taste of Uncanny X-men, this second issue dug deep into the shit-stained bowels of the personalities behind this book. And remarkably, what emerges smells less like shit and more like scented rose petals carefully placed on Jennifer Lawrence’s tits. Whereas the previous issue gave you giant robots and a pseudo-twist that was less surprising than the number of people Seth MacFarlane pissed off with his Oscar jokes, this issue addressed those smaller issues that usually get overlooked in between battles with giant robots.

The conversation with Cyclops and Emma was the highlight and taking the time to visit the families of their new recruits perfectly complemented the theme of adding a personal touch. In some ways it got a bit too personal, almost to the point that it feels like it belonged in a gynecology office. But Bendis made this issue awesome by presenting the characters in a profoundly raw manner. These aren’t just X-men. They’re people with issues too fucked up for Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and most (but not all) reality TV shows.

Beyond the personal elements, this issue was wonderfully concise in how it followed the events of the previous issue. In addition to recruiting new mutants, Cyclops’s new team has to go through the fun of teaching a bunch of hormonal teenagers how to manage their powers. When one of them seems to be fantasizing about boning a demon-loving blond, you know you’ve got an uphill battle. But as Cyclops pointed out himself, Emma Frost is a very good and very competent teacher. Her ability to reach young minds is only equaled by her ability to cause boners. In addition, Bendis even took the time to give readers a layout of the new Xavier Institute. Unlike Wolverine’s Jean Grey Institute, it doesn’t have the architecture or style of a Lady Gaga concert nor does it reinforce his obscenely unhealthy obsession with a woman he never got to bone. It may seem trivial, but it’s these little details that make good comics great and great comics ball-bustingly awesome.

I get that some readers will probably be bored senseless or not appreciate the decompressed, detail-oriented story-telling Brian Bendis is using here. I’m sure many of those readers will read this issue and say “To hell with all this talking shit! Either show us your boobs or fight more giant robots!” Look, if you want that kind of Michael Bay-inspired action, go drop some LSD and watch the Matrix. But it’s not inaccurate to say that this issue was a setup issue in some sense that it just set the stage for Magneto’s betrayal to lead the Avengers right to Cyclops. It just completely ignores all those special personal moments that actually make readers give a damn about what happens to these characters. But if some people can ignore laws, facts, and birth certificates I guess some people can ignore those special little things that make comics awesome.

At this point, I’m still of the opinion that All New X-men is superior to Uncanny X-men, but not by much. Uncanny X-men is still behind in terms of awesome, but so close that it could smell a wet fart. I still have some reservations about little details like Magneto being bald, where the new uniforms came from, and how Magneto got back from SHIELD custody. But those are not the kind of details that are necessary to keep this book from earning my highest praise. I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 5 out of 5. If nothing else about this comic appeals to you, at least celebrate that Emma Frost and Cyclops are now single and ready to mingle! The race is on. Who will they bone next? I’m sure Bendis has plans and I’m equally sure fanfiction writers will have something horribly depraved. Either way, it’s a great time to be an X-man fan and/or to have a boner. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 PREVIEW - Beautiful Women Freaking The Fuck Out

As someone who is often attracted, for better or worse (mostly worse), to beautiful women, there's a certain range of emotions to seeing them freak the fuck out. If they happen to be a woman who just agreed to dress up like Starfire and claim she's sad about not being able to sunbathe nude, you feel sympathy. If they happen to be a woman that boned your best friend and took it up the ass for a guy that paid her cable bill, you feel positively gleeful. The same happens in a comic book.

Enter Emma Frost, the bearer of Marvel's ultimate set of tits and someone who can bust balls in the best and worst possible ways. She recently suffered the kind of downfall usually reserved for athletes that followed OJ Simpson's career path. She went from second-in-command at the X-men and fuck buddy to Cyclops to a wanted fugitive who had broken up with Cyclops AND fucked her powers up. It's more than just a lousy day at the office. It's the kind of shit that drives most people crazy. So if anyone is entitled to freak the fuck out, it's her. And wouldn't you know it? That's just what she does in the latest preview of Uncanny X-men #2, which was released by Newsarama earlier today!

It's a beautiful moment and not just because Emma hasn't lost her fondness of showing off her rack. She actually takes some time to reflect on what she's done recently. She also is the first to actually point out that it was Tony fucking Stark who was responsible for the Phoenix Five. Yet his ass never got thrown in jail. Charles Xavier never blamed him for the shit that happened. So for once the hot blond is the smart one and I say fuck yeah! In addition, she reflects on her relationship with Cyclops and how it actually did involve love for more than just the power of Cyclops's penis. That's something that has been lost since the Matt Fraction era of Uncanny X-men. Yet she also acknowledges that he never truly got over Jean Grey. So maybe that will open the door to some nice moments with All New X-men. Who knows? Either way, I intend to be as prepared as I am drunk when this comes out to craft my review! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #2 - Sinister Stylish Awesome

Style is like a vagina. We all admire it on some level, but nobody will ever figure it out. I believe there's a little metrosexual in all of us. It may not be as flamboyant as Lady Gaga's wardrobe, but it's there whether we want to admit it or not. On some levels we're all just stoners stumbling around a 7-11 at two in the morning staring in amazement at how shiney the tin foil they wrap old hot dogs in can be. Style applies to comics as well and I'm not just talking about the horribly impractical attire that most superheroes wear, especially those that can barely contain the breasts of the overly proportioned female characters. Sometimes style is more subtle and that subtlety is what gives a comic a truly unique feel.

Enter Mr. Sinister. He's one of the X-men's most notorious villain. He'll strike fear in his enemies while making them stare in the same way they stare at a midget fucking a donkey. It's so horrendous that you just can't look away. While Sinister has always had a very macabre style, his recent return to the pages of Uncanny have poured a little napalm on that fire. It started in Uncanny X-men #544 where he was literally pooped out of some bio chamber. Then he put on the kind of suit that you only see in Mad Men, but he rocked it in a way not seen since pimps reintroduced the feathered hat. This style made his first act of badassery in Uncanny X-men #1 where he commandeered a sleeping Celestial all the more potent. He presented a daunting first challenge for Cyclops and his new Extinction Team. And like a boss, he created a carnival of horrors that was as awesome as it was theatric.

Uncanny X-men #2 doesn't let up on those theatrics. If anything it kicks it up a notch. Cyclops leads his team right into the twisted new domain that Sinister has carved out within San Francisco. It's as weird as it gets, but the sad thing is it could still probably pass for a tourist attraction. Hell, Nancy Polosi may even take bribes to profit from it. That makes crushing this army of tacky Sinister clones all the more vital. The last thing the X-men need is another reason for San Francisco to sick their army of hippies, gays, and stoners at them.

If Sinister fucking with them with his army of lookalikes and hipster style dress sense wasn't bad enough, Cyclops gets a call during the middle of the battle from Abigale Brand from SWORD. Apparently, the Celestials don't like it when some psychopath hijacks one of their own and uses them to make their personal Disneyland minus the mouse and the subtle antisemitism. So the Dreaming Celestial's buddies, who are space gods capable of ripping the universe several trillion new assholes, are on their way to do a little judging in ways that only republicans can masturbate to.

Now Sinister could just continue to sick his army of Sinisters on the X-men until the Celestials force a global pants-shitting contest, but that just wouldn't be Sinister. At some randomly chosen point in the battle, he calls off the attack and invites the X-men to join him in his newly constructed palace. Now if anyone else did this, I probably would start pissing and moaning about how it's so abrupt and contrived. But this is Sinister. He fucks with people in a way that even Dr. House would find excessive. So he invites them in and the X-men take him up on his offer, despite the fact that Emma Frost lost a fucking arm.

That's something that's worth repeating. In the last issue Emma Frost lost a fucking arm. Now she's able to manage because she's in her diamond form. Apparently, that makes bleeding to death a non-issue. But Cyclops and the others actually make it a point to remind her that she doesn't have an arm and probably is a liability in this fight. But she's Emma Frost. So long as her tits are intact, she can participate in any battle. That's besides the point, but I just think it's nice that Gillen didn't ignore it because it would have been easy for most other writers to do just that.

So the X-men venture into Sinister's domain. Along the way Danger starts making sense of this shit because to this point it has been a little random, although you can't expect much else from Sinister. She describes how all these dupes are basically from the same set of DNA. But they're just expressing themselves in different ways. It sounds like some shit my old art teacher did when he came to work drunk, but it does offer some insight into what Sinister is doing here. All these dupes are actually his DNA and not just your typical clone. They're basically his own kingdom and they all share his flashy style.

Once they're inside, Sinister offers a deeper explanation while coming off even creepier in the process. We actually get a little insight into what makes this raving madman who is crazy enough to clone himself and dress like Dean Martin. Gillen actually cites his past in Victorian England. He talks about how he thought he saw heaven in the White, racist, ethnocentric world of douch-baggery known as 19th century England. I know. That's as fucked up as it sounds. So he makes the same conclusion that the KKK made. Why not impose this entire singular vision on the whole fucking world? But unlike racist rednecks that wave flags with chewing tobacco stains, Sinister is actually capable of it. Remember, he has a fucking Celestial at his disposal and he's used it to make an army of his perfect little clones.

Needless to say, the X-men don't take kindly to a guy so narcissistic that he thinks the world should be made up of his own clones. But keep in mind Sinister invited them into his domain. They suspected it was a trap and guess what? They were right? He used a little creative telepathy to take over their minds and paralyze them. Only Emma could escape because she's immune to telepathy in her diamond form. Now Colossus/Juggernaut has his helmet on so for a moment he was immune too. But Sinister just had Cyclops blow his helmet off. See? Problem solved.

Now this would be very cunning if the X-men hadn't walked right into it. But they did. It's the only real head-scratching moment of the comic. While I'm sure there's some plan at work here, it still feels forced. Like it was just a way to get everyone in a place so Gillen could have Sinister do some flashbacks. I'm glad he's taking the time to flesh out Sinister more, but it would definitely help it if happened in a more organic way.

Emma and Danger, who maintain control of their own minds, try to oppose Sinister while he continues to fuck with Cyclops and the rest of his team. But remember Emma only has one arm. That and Sinister pretty much blows Danger the fuck apart with a fucking cannon. Yeah, it's a very basic way to take her out of the picture, but she's a fucking machine that doesn't have diamond kin and big boobs to protect her. Even Emma understands that she's outmatched. Even when Sinister brings up Jean Grey, she's no match for him. He's so unthreatened by her that he takes this time to explain his little philosophy of genetics. He credits his long study of Cyclops's lineage as having paved the way for the research that made his army of non mini-mes possible. He even goes so far as to say that everything is determined by genetics and free will is just an illusion. It's not every day that comics get existential, but with Sinister it's actually more than appropriate.

This philosophical musing distracts from the fact that he allowed Hope Summers to mimic Emma's diamond powers and escape with Illyana's powers. She's pretty resourceful for a Jean Grey ripoff so she deserves credit in that respect. She earns herself even more credit when she uses her escape to position herself a ways away and fire a sniper bullet that hits Sinister right in the head. That's right. A teenage girl that looks like Jean Grey shoots Sinister in the head. X-men fans, if this isn't enough for you then not even the fucking Phoenix Force can satisfy you.

But shooting one Sinister in the head is like shooting one raindrop in a hurricane. It amounts to jack shit because every Sinister clone is just as viable as Victorian Era Sinister. Even though the shot frees the X-men from their paralysis, they're still the one legged man in the ass kicking contest. They have no shot because Sinister is everywhere and he makes it clear that if they're not part of this perfect yet twisted world of his, they're fucked. It's a somewhat abrupt way to end the comic, but it gets the message across.

I said it at the beginning of this review and I'll say it again. Sinister has style. He's always been an over-the-top, unconventional style villain. This issue takes that concept, sticks a ton of C4 up it's ass, and blows it the fuck up over an entire mural. Sinister has always been a crazy son-of-a-bitch, but Kieron Gillen actually took time to flesh out the method behind the madness. He even got a little philosophical at times. Granted, it got a little wordy in some parts, but it's reassuring to see someone make a concerted effort to add more twist to a guy that's more twisted than a Tim Burton movie. Sinister really steals the show here. The X-men are basically props. Hell, you could have called this issue Sinister and his Uncanny X-Bitches and it would have been more than appropriate.

In many ways this issue took a different path than the second issue of Wolverine and the X-men. It tried to mix the action with a deeper exploration of the characters. Gillen didn't try to overwhelm the reader with epic struggles. He used a solid mix of flash and flare to tell a more complex tale, but it doesn't feel quite as complex. It's very different from Wolverine and the X-men because that series is a lot more basic. The premise of that book is clear, but the premise of Uncanny X-men is still developing. At times it requires the reader to be a bit more active in their approach to the book, but it's not fucking brain surgery. It's just a genuinely deep comic that actually makes you think. Since I've killed so many brain cells over the years, I've come to appreciate shit like that.

Aside from the wordiness in the middle, there's really not much else to say about this issue. It's awesome on so many levels. It succeeds in taking what was set up in the first issue and building something greater on top of it. It didn't build as far as it could have. Most of this issue was spent expanding the scale of Sinister's plot. For some, it may feel like the story drags, but it's still as solid a read you'll get with an X-book. That's why I give Uncanny X-men #2 a 4.5 out of 5. This first arc is poised to blow the minds of every X-fan in a way that would land any partially attractive woman a role in Donald Trump's next reality show. It's not quite there yet, but it's close! And like my ex-girlfriend with her favorite shower head, I'm ready for the climax! Nuff said.