Generation Hope #17 - A Generation of Awesome

Reviewing comics can a real test of your sanity and sobriety. Sometimes the very premise of a comic requires that you be a little bit high to effectively review it. For most inherently awesome comics, the need for getting wasted is minimal (even if the want is more than sufficient). For comics like Generation Hope, it can be hit or miss. Sometimes you have to have a bag of weed on hand just to make sure you're in the right state of mind for a thorough assessment. I've reviewed pretty much every issue of Generation Hope since it came out. It seems so long go that I was constantly referring to this series as Generation Jean Rip-Off. I still think of it that way, but I try to avoid using it in my reviews so I can make room for more boner jokes. Whatever twisted assessment I use, I've come to look upon this series as an anomaly of sorts. It's one of the most inconsistent yet important X-books in recent memory. So when it gets canceled prematurely, I'm left more conflicted than Rush Limbaugh at a feminist rally.

It was announced only recently. Generation Hope was ending with issue 17. It wasn't by choice (at least that's what Marvel claims). The sales for this book just weren't soaking enough panties and that's not terribly surprising. Books with entirely new characters rarely outshine their established counterparts. Readers just aren't going to give as much of a shit about some fish girl as they are about who Wolverine is boning. It also doesn't help when certain characters are clearly blatant ripoffs of others, Hope being Jean Grey and Kenji being Akira. I've spent nearly every issue of this series struggling to tell Hope and Jean apart. For this review, I've stayed sober enough to make that distinction. It's only proper since this will be the last issue and it will be an important milestone both for this group of mutants and for Hope before she goes nuclear.

The other notable rip-off, Kenji, has been by far the least stable new mutant since the series began. Hell, the guy went on a rampage in downtown Tokyo in the first arc. He's never been all that mentally sound, as eccentric artists tend to be. For crying out loud, the kid got a boner from a brain in a jar! So it's only fitting that Kenji is the one that closes out this series by finally losing his shit and attacking Hope. He's made his resentment very clear over the past few issues. He's among those who really don't like the influence Hope is exerting over the Lights and over mutants in general. He doesn't see her as a messiah and he spent much of last issue setting her up for a very public crucifixion, but not after using that fucked up body of his to rally others to his madness.

Now Hope is in Kenji's deranged and perverse clutches. What about the other Lights that haven't turned on her? Well in the last issue, Gabriel once again started thinking too much with his penis and got frisky with Pixie (who I guess is just thinking with various other parts of her body that don't involve her brain). Teon, never one to be bothered from his never-ending quest to eat, fight, and mate was subdued by the Cuckoos when he couldn't keep it in his pants. Generation Hope #17 starts out with Teon living in this fantasy world that the Cuckoos created for him so that he would stop trying to hump their legs (amongst other things). But while in this fantasy, the usually lovable oaf starts having some coherent thoughts. It's somewhat unusual for him, but he's done it before and it shows that he has more intellect than a horny pit bull. This is especially important because Hope has to use that special leash of hers to call for help and also like a horny pit bull when a female in heat calls, he springs into action.

We then go from every primal male's fantasy to a nightmare only made possible with exotic blends of mushrooms. Except this isn't so much a nightmare as it is a theatrical production where the director is an angry drunk. Kenji reveals he went to elaborate lengths to keep some occupied while using that Akira rip-off form of his to psychically influence others. He doesn't actually call it influence. He calls it simple nudging and with some like Emma Frost, he really didn't need much. So taking a page out of a certain 2000-year-old holy book from the Middle East, Kenji is prepared to crucify Hope. In his artistic mind, she's not the messiah. She's saving those who didn't want to be saved in the first place and her influence on people is too disturbing even for an eccentric Japanese artist. The sad truth is, he's not entirely wrong.

Kenji is fully prepared to destroy the savior who once saved his life. For him, she didn't save him. She corrupted him. And no one seems inclined to help Hope. However, there are a few holdovers. The first few pages showed that Teon in his lovable simple-mindedness is not easily influenced by Kenji's bullshit. He springs into action like any good un-nuetered pet and seeks to help the pretty girl that gives him so many boners. He quickly recruits Sebastian Shaw, who now looks less like a Black King and more like someone's prison bitch. But he doesn't remember who he is and Hope did vouch for him. So he has plenty of reason to repay her. However, the biggest ally that Teon doesn't get help from is the same ally that Kenji clearly went out of his way to bone in the last arc.

Martha Johanssen was once a brain in a jar. No really. She was. In the annuls of Marvel comics, that's hardly the most fucked up premise for a character. She's a powerful telepath that Kenji created a body for using that same Akira rip-off form of his that he's using to fuck with everybody's minds. Except Martha's mind is a bit more coherent. She and Kenji are able to chat because her body is basically his body and not in the traditional Taliban sort of way either. She senses he's up to some crazy shit and even if he did give her a body again, she isn't cool with it.

She's not the only one either. Kenji's flirtation with Sweet Lady Insanity is too much for even Laurie to take anymore. In the previous issue, she and Kenji had a heart-to-heart where they debated the control Hope had on them. It wasn't a debate she won because not long ago during X-men Regenesis, she pulled a fucking gun on Hope. She doesn't like her influence over him either, but she doesn't like Kenji trying to reenact the crucifixion in the Mel Gibson tradition either. Kenji tries to coax her into going along with this gruesome ritual, but she has enough sense to be repulsed by human sacrifice. Kenji doesn't take kindly to that and decides to throw her to the mind-controlled (pardon, subtly nudged) X-men that are just itching to give Hope one more thing in common with Jean Grey.

Laurie may be overmatched, but she ends up getting some backup. Teon was not only able to enlist Shaw's help, he was able to tear Gabriel and Pixie away from one another before they swapped too many bodily fluids. Sharing Laurie's aversion to human sacrifice, they attack Kenji. He's hardly worried though. He's already corrupted a good chunk of the X-men so he has plenty of defenses. The Lights and Shaw are just as overmatched as Laurie, but they're able to at least somewhat fuck Kenji's shit up. At the very least, they stop him from getting too much of a boner for having so many X-men under his control and their mutant messiah ready to slaughter like a deer on Ted Nugant's kitchen table.

Kenji still maintains control over Hope, which is somewhat appropriate given that she's been controlling the Lights in such an uncomfortable manner. He's able to rough her up in ways that would soak Emma Frost's panties if she weren't already satiated by Cyclops's penis. That doesn't stop her from getting her shot at Hope. Now it's not entirely clear here how much of this is Kenji's influence and how much of this is all Emma. In recent issues, Emma hasn't needed any nudging to hate Hope. She never needs any nudging when it comes to hating a redhead with a fiery personality. It's never fully explained, which is disappointing because once again it ensures that Emma will come out of this conflict untainted and uncorrupted. While that's bullshit, she at least gets the shit punched out of her by Sebastian Shaw. Now I'm not a misogynist and I won't make any Rush Limbaugh style remarks here, but given Emma and Shaw's history it's quite fitting if not timely that Shaw comes through to give her the Rick James treatment. Shaw is still a douche even if he doesn't remember how big of a douche he is, but at least there's a bit more balance in such douche-baggery.

But fighting off Emma's attempt at another mind-rape is only the fifth most pressing issue confronting Hope. Kenji is still number one and using the same creative dreamscapes he used in the first arc, he takes Hope to another dreamworld where they debate on the merits of manipulating people and training teenagers like soldiers. It shouldn't come as too great a surprise that Hope loses that argument. For Kenji, not knowing what the fuck you're doing and fucking up along the way isn't an excuse. So he's prepared to end her shit so he can be free of her influence. He's not entirely misguided with his anger. That's the most fucked up part without citing Japanese anime porn.

There's just one problem. Kenji was stupid enough to get a boner for a brain in a jar. Remember Martha? The girl who he created a creepy yet oddly alluring body in the last arc? Well she also has a problem with human sacrifice and creating mind-controlled mobs that aren't sanctioned by Rick Santorum's campaign manager. So using her telepathic talents, she attacks Kenji both in his mind and in the real world. It results in a clash that ends with a hell of a bang. By that I mean Kenji fucking explodes. It's every bit as messy as it sounds. Kenji explodes and all that Akira rip-off shit goes with him. That's right. The final issue of Generation Hope ends with one of the lights suffering a death by explosion. It may be a rough way to go, but as an artist I doubt Kenji can call it inglorious.

Now the death of a character is always a tricky thing to handle. It's almost as tricky as tying up loose ends in a series that's been prematurely canned. Seeing as how Kenji was the one that went crazy in the first arc, I think it's actually fitting that he's the one that dies in this final issue. It gives the series a sense of finality. However, that's the only finality we end up getting. After Kenji blows up, the influence he held on everyone fades. We don't see everyone looking around in confusion. We don't see Emma trying to explain to Cyclops that she knocked him out because of Kenji and not because she just wanted an excuse to fuck up Hope. And Martha is back to being a fucking brain in a jar. That fucked up yet functional body of hers is gone again. And all the Lights really do about it is sit around and listen to Hope apologize for screwing up.

This is by far the best indication that this book was canceled before it's time. All these lingering issues are glossed over. The tension between Cyclops and Emma is once again completely overlooked. Martha is right back where she started. All we're really left with is a scene where Hope tries to save a little face with the mutants she herself helped create. I get the importance of having a nice dramatic moment with Hope and her lights at the end, but it lacks closure because so little of the aftermath from Kenji's attack is addressed. It's underwhelming when it should be emotional. I was ready to get all misty eyed knowing this series would end like Michael Bay's credibility after he announced his retcon for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sadly, it never came. That or I was just too drunk.

In the end, the remaining lights give Hope the old "No hard feelings. You just almost got us killed" speech. It's more than a little lame, but James Asmus does throw in a few cherries on top of what has otherwise been a messy yet tasty cake. Within the Sebastian Shaw file that Hope was looking at in the beginning of the arc is a familiar face. Actually, she's so familiar you might mistake her for Hope or vice versa. It's Jean Grey, or at least a picture of her in her Dark Phoenix glory. If the hint in X-Sanction #4 wasn't blatant enough, here's yet another reminder that Hope is poised to go nuclear on the Marvel universe. I know my memory has been shot to shit by drugs, booze, and Fox News. But seriously, Marvel. I don't need another reminder!

And so my presumably sober friends, Generation Hope has come to an end. Someone had to die, someone had to become a brain in a jar again, Emma had to get smacked around a bit, and someone had to throw in yet another Jean Grey reference. What can we make of this? Do we have to be sufficiently high to assess a series that has clearly been canceled before it's time? Well no, but it certainly helps. As one of the most vocal critics of this series I think I can reasonably draw a few conclusions, at least as reasonably as any admitted drunk.

This issue and this series as a whole was about conflicted youth finding out they were mutants. It harkened back to the very early days of the X-men and that's part of what made it appealing. Like all teenagers going through that incredibly awkward stage where hormones launch tactical nuclear strikes on your senses, there were plenty of mishaps and hiccups along the way. Some were done better than others. Overall, Kieron Gillen and James Asmus did a good job of capturing that struggle. It just wasn't very consistent at times. Some stories just didn't have a good enough impact and some were just poorly organized. The past few arcs have been somewhat stronger, but they only help balance what has otherwise been a pretty unbalanced series.

Generation Hope #17 does a nice job of carrying itself as the final issue. The biggest problem is that it's painfully apparent that this ending is premature. It may be the second worse instance for something to be premature (you know what the first is if you lost your virginity to a drunken prom queen) because certain parts of the issue felt rushed. We never saw what happened with the mutants Kenji influenced. We never saw Emma explain to Cyclops why she knocked him so he missed all the messianic blasphemy. And Kenji's death left Martha right back where she started. So any potential she had in this new body of hers is officially shot to shit. We didn't even get to see Namor's reaction to Shaw being alive (if he even knows). There's so much left dangling that it's like free seniors day at a nude beach. Even if Generation Hope #17 makes itself a solid ending issue, it feels abrupt and incomplete.

I still have mixed feelings about Generation Hope. Overall, I really liked this issue. I thought it was a decent ending, even with so much left unexplored. The series as a whole had a lot of shortcomings, but the intent of the series was pure and Marvel clearly put a great deal of effort into making it work. For that, I commend them. I also commend James Asmus for finishing this series off on a painfully short run. He did a nice job with the characters, the dialog, and the action. I can't help but wonder what else he would have done if he had a few more issues to work with. Sadly, we'll never know. I give Generation Hope #17 a 3 out of 5. So much lost potential and not enough sales to justify realizing it all. It may not even matter since Hope is poised to rub elbows with Dark Phoenix soon enough. We may not know until the end of AvX what the true value of this series has been. For now, it's akin to a lap dance that had all the potential to be hot, but only left you semi-hard in the end. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #9 - Sub-Orbital Awesome

My old high school gym teacher imparted two life-long lessons on me. The first one was "If I catch you masturbating in the girl's locker room again I'm calling the cops!" The second was "When you take on the whirlwind of shit that is life, you'll come out less smelly if you work with a team." I often found the latter more useful than the former. Teaming up is part of what has allowed human civilization to accomplish such wonderful feats like the pyramids, the Great Wall of China, and internet porn. In comics, team-ups are as common as yeast infections in hot tubs on the set of the Jersey Shore. While Marvel may be building towards an event that involves two teams that usually get along beating the everloving shit out of each other, there's still a place for team-based stories. The shit hasn't hit the fan yet so why not enjoy what precious time they have left before their sense of smell is permanently destroyed?

Uncanny X-men isn't billed as a book for team-ups. It's billed as a book where Kieron Gillen tells stories about how Cyclops's Extinction Team waves their dick in the face of humanity to let them know they'll still save their asses, but they won't be bullied. This team of heavy hitters is billed as a team with the kind of strength and firepower to take on threats that could wipe their ass with the entrails of the human race. They've already taken on the likes of Sinister and explored an entirely new world in Tabula Rasa. With Avengers vs. X-men just on the horizon, the Extinction team doesn't have much more time to reinforce the notion that power of their dick is not to be fucked with. Well Gillen has a fresh new arc for them to prove that and fanboys have plenty of lube and tissues should they need to mop up from the excessive waving of said dick.

This arc has been billed as the last amicable team-up between the X-men and Avengers before they start beating the shit out of each other. It's sort of like the good-natured handshake between teams in a football game before they begin placing bounties on the heads of opposing players (too soon, New Orleans?). It's an intriguing prospect for a story, but one that has a purpose beyond giving readers one last friendly team-up before a very unfriendly conflict begins. This is the Extinction Team's chance to show that their dick is just as big if not more so than the dick the Avengers have been waving for years. It's a good old fashioned dick-measuring contest with superpowers! What's not to be excited about?

Uncanny X-men #9 gets the ball rolling with a few little plots, which are fairly typical of a Kieron Gillen story. We get a chance to see Colossus standing in front of the prison cell where his sister, Magik, is held when she's not in the field aiding the Extinction Team. Danger, the de facto warden of the brig with boobs, offers a brief explanation to readers who smoke too much weed as to why Magik is locked up and why she's dangerous. Even if the reason is entirely valid (and if you read New X-men then you know it is), Colossus is still not happy with it and since he's now the fucking Juggernaut he has no reason to be polite about it.

Someone else who has no need for manners is Emma Frost. Between her plastic surgery, money, mutant powers, and attitude she doesn't really have much incentive to be kind to anyone. However, in the first arc of the Uncanny relaunch she did get humbled somewhat when she had her fucking arm blown off. It forced her to sit out the Tabula Rasa arc, leaving Psylocke to fill in the obligatory sex appeal that Marvel needs to cater to the testicle-bearing portion of their readership. But Emma had her arm re-attached in the last issue and she's already exercising it by taking on a scenario of Sinister clones...in her underwear. Why? Because she's Emma fucking Frost! If she wants to do something half-naked, then by the ass hairs of Zeus she's going to do it! However, getting your arm blown off can have an impact even on the most egocentric of blondes. So it's no surprise that Namor seeks her out to console her/attempt to get an Atlantian snorkel from her (which I assume is their euphemism for blow job). He only partially succeeds, but what's more telling is that Cyclops isn't the one aiding his half-naked girlfriend. You would think he would have problems with his sexually liberated lady friend rubbing shoulders (and possibly other organs) with a real king, but he's so distracted that not even a half-naked Emma Frost can stop him. If this doesn't show Cyclops is becoming unhinged, nothing short of him cutting off his own balls will.

Now normally, I use scenes like this to go on a rant about how Marvel never does anything to drive a wedge between Cyclops and Emma. Well, maybe I'm not drunk enough, but I can't really rant about it this time. The Cyclops/Emma relationship hasn't been too prominent lately and Cyclops's increasing obsession with protecting Hope Summers seems to have gotten in the way of the usual bedroom antics that Matt Fraction loved to describe. I'm not complaining and I'm not getting my hopes up that Marvel will actually allow something to happen with Namor and Emma. I'm just saying it's not as overt as it once was and I think that's a good thing.

These dramatic elements are typical of Kieron Gillen's style and set an interesting tone for the rest of the arc. However, drama alone can't make a story awesome. Gillen knows this and introduces the Extinction Team's newest threat, which is actually not so new. Some may be too high to remember, but Kieron Gillen did have another gig before he got involved with Uncanny X-men. He wrote the brief, but memorable series SWORD. Before Marvel decided to act like assholes and cancel the series, he introduced a character named Unit. Now skipping all the dick jokes I could make about that, this is a being that's part sentinel and part Silver Surfer. That earned him a place in the most secure area of SWORD's sub-orbital prison. Not content with just jerking off to images he can scratch on a well, he hatches an escape that if his inner narration is any indication puts him on the same exotic level as the Scarlet Witch in terms of beating the odds. It's one of Gillen's best talents, narrating a character that may or may not be less than stable. But you know what isn't stable? SWORD's defenses, causing their entire sub-orbital brig to break off and crash into the Earth.

When something that catastrophic happens, it turns Abigail Brand from the coldest bitch this side of Ann Colter's taint to a graveling child begging her mommy for a sippy cup. She interrupts Cyclops and Emma as they're discussing Magik's less-than-favorable status. It's probably for the best because if the conversation went for too long, Colossus would probably go Juggernaut and attack Cyclops in a way that could not be defended by Emma Frost's boobs. It effectively silences Colossus before he can make his case, but since an outbreak of alien prisoners usually means the Extinction Team needs to be at full capacity that means Magik can get some fresh air and maybe vent some of that demonic influence of hers. It's like letting your sister out of her room to attack the mailman when she's PMSing. You just gotta let her vent.

With help from Magik's quick teleportation powers, the X-men arrive at at site where some of the alien prisoners from SWORD decide to treat a small town diner like the toilet in a gas station bathroom. Being cooped up in a sub-orbital brig leaves them with little regard for Earthly property and they don't give a damn if they destroy one more place where a red-blooded American can get drunk. As a functioning booze hound, I take a great deal of satisfaction in seeing the X-men show up and kick their ass. It's a spectacle like pretty much every fight with the Extinction Team. They're even nice enough to rescue the civilians, presumably after telling them to inform everyone they meet from here on out that their dick is really that big and really not to be questioned.

But what about Unit? Why would he just cut all these prisoners loose? Well, it's a damn good distraction, that's for sure. When a dangerous figure with more power in it's pinkie finger than Tommy Lee has in is penis breaks free, that usually draws a lot of attention. This allows Unit to carry out it's mission, which isn't quite clear. But for some reason it involves plopping itself down in the middle of a snowy wilderness and scaring the piss out of a couple of hunters. Like anyone in the woods armed with a gun, when they see something that looks inhuman they usually shoot. For Unit, it's akin to a mosquito bite. He's remarkably casual in the way he narrates his actions as he strikes fear into these two unfortunate humans. He also paralyzes one of them before forming what looks like the world's worst circumcision blade. He claims an interest in seeing what makes humans tick. Unfortunately, that involves taking them apart and observing the innards. Like my old biology class when the teacher leaves us unattended with dead frogs and crazy glue, it's bound to get messy.

As a result of this mess, the Extinction Team has to enlist some help in dealing with this alien riot that's on par with a 100 LA riots. Well they don't enlist as they so much cross paths. After the Extinction Team effectively exacts justice on behalf of alcoholics everywhere that like to get shit faced at diners, the Avengers show up in their jet. It's every bit as random as it sounds. Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, and even Storm and Wolverine show up. Not much is said other than the world is getting shat upon and they need to team up. That and the Avengers lack a teleporter like Magik. Even though these teams are destined to beat the shit out of each other very soon, they don't say much and not much is made of Wolverine teaming up with Cyclops again either. They just team up and start spanning the world, looking for escapees to beat up. It makes for some nice action scenes, but the basis is still a bit underwhelming.

Now I know this arc was billed as an Avengers and X-men team-up, but given how much detail Gillen gives to other dramatic elements in this issue this team-up just falls a bit flat. The X-men finish their first battle against the SWORD prisoners and the Avengers just show up. Usually, Gillen is pretty good about meshing the plot elements so that they flow naturally (the last issue notwithstanding). This just seems a bit abrupt even if it does make sense that a prison break would require both the X-men and the Avengers and possibly the Texas National Guard as it exists in Rick Perry's head. It's not sloppy by any stretch, but it could have been done better.

So the X-men and Avengers are completely occupied, leaving Unit to finish his extensive probing of the unfortunate human rednecks he came across. It's implied that the probing was pretty gruesome, more so than any Jenna Jameson porno could ever get away with. The man looks like he wishes that this alien-looking creature stuck only to rectal probing. The art isn't too graphic here, but if you're imagination is half-way as sick as mine you can probably infer that the man suffered quite a bit. As for his hunting buddy, he doesn't get away with much either. He has his fucking head blown up and I'm not talking about the kind of blowing up that happens with a good bong hit. Now as gruesome as this is, Unit does continue to narrate that there's a purpose behind it. He wanted to dissect humans and he wanted to see what made them tick. If it means cutting them open Ted Bundy style, that's perfectly alright. But dissecting a human just doesn't give it the boner it wants. It now set it's sight on a mutant.

And what better mutant to probe than a pretty teenage redhead that happens to be the mutant messiah? Using the same deceptive tricks he used to trigger the prison break, Unit creates a false new mutant signal that the Cuckoos detect. With the battle against the SWORD prisoners still going on, Hope breaks off and gathers her (canceled) Generation Hope team. But when she arrives, Unit is ready for them. Like the two hunters that tried to attack him with antiquated boom sticks, the Lights make a pretty vain effort at attacking him. Rather than give them a good probing, he just teleports them away before taking the mutant messiah in his grasp. It means that not only could Unit be poised to cut up the most powerful mutant on the planet at the moment. He could be poised to cut up mutant kind's last hope before she can go Dark Phoenix. In this sense, I'm not quite sure if I should be rooting against the guy.

So the final team-up between the X-men and the Avengers has begun. This issue got things started in a very basic manner. Kieron Gillen demonstrated his usual sophistication in progressing plots from the point of view of certain characters. Both Danger and Unit helped establish a mindset for the story. It's one of Gillen's most defining talents aside from having a British accent to lure female readers into comics. While the conflict itself is set up nicely, the action it incurs is a bit overly basic. You get the sense that the Avengers really didn't need to just show up and ask the X-men for assistance. They probably could have just started fighting the escaped prisoners and rubbed elbows along the way. It makes the crossover seem a bit forced even if it is logistically a sound. It would have been nice to make the team-up a bit more seamless, but it still works.

Every other element in the issue is as awesome as one should expect from Kieron Gillen's work. While the previous issue was a disappointment, this issue returns to form in a scrotum crushingly awesome way. There are dramatic elements with Colossus and his sister. There are romantic elements with Emma Frost and Namor. There's a sense of mystery with Unit and why he's doing what he's doing. The presence of the Avengers as well as an appearance from the Generation Hope cast make for a story that's on a scale almost as big as Donald Trump's inferiority complex. It's an entertaining issue that should get anyone excited about this last friendly adventure before the animosity and feuding steps in.

Uncanny X-men returned to prominence under Matt Fraction thanks in large part to the large-scale stories he told. Kieron Gillen added some much needed balance to the series and since the relaunch, it has become one of the most consistently awesome X-books on the market. While the last issue was a rare anomaly of sorts, this issue recaptures everything that we've come to love from Uncanny X-men. It has all the right elements of an awesome X-men comic and Emma Frost in her underwear. There's room for improvement, but not by much. I give Uncanny X-men #9 a 4 out of 5. It's Avengers, X-men, and escaped alien prisoners. It's simple, it's fun, and it's entertaining. And unlike masturbation, it's not nearly as messy. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #263 - Making A Point (of Awesome)

Whenever I review X-men Legacy, I tend to be too harsh or too easy. I can be harsh because Mike Carey set such a high bar of excellence. It's like trying to go out drinking with Homer Simpson. There's a certain expectation of quality. The quality of a drunk is not unlike the quality of a comic, minus the hangovers and blackouts. It can leave an indelible impact and not just on your liver. X-men Legacy is an X-book with some pretty heavy hitters with characters like Rogue, Rachel Grey, Gambit, and Frenzy. It has no excuses for not meeting that level of quality and at times it does skew my perspective when I assess an issue, but I always try to be honest...honesty being proportional to my booze intake of course.

X-men Legacy is still settling after the events of X-men Regenesis. Rogue, Gambit, Frenzy and the rest of the Legacy crew minus Magneto are adjusting to their roles as the main staff/security guards for the Jean Grey Institute. They've already had to fight off a demon invasion, which in most jobs would have a pretty high turnover. But that's just another day at the office for the Jean Grey institute. In this arc, the Jean Grey Institute has to content with an overly motivated Exodus. In addition to being a mutant with a ridiculous amount of power, Exodus also had way too much free time on his hands. In that time he determined that the mutant race was rowing downstream off a waterfall into an ocean of pure shit. The whole schism that divided the X-men has left the entire mutant race vulnerable and since he's got so much power to go along with his oversized balls, he's going to fix that. First, he tried forcing the Jean Grey Institute to make amends with Cyclops's team. He might as well have tried to get Pat Robertson and Richard Dawkins to get along. When that failed, he figured in his less than infinite wisdom that he was going to kill Cyclops. This forced Wolverine, Rogue, and the rest of the institute staff to chase him down. It only ended up with Exodus kicking their asses again. It looked to be a pretty bloody brawl. Then Hope Summers, the Lights, and some New Mutants showed up and ass fucked the circumstances to a new bloody level.

Now why is this a big fucking deal? Well if you read Schism (and you damn well ought to if you're going to call yourself an X-men fan) you'll know that one of the many things that Cyclops did to piss Wolverine off was to use young mutants in the field of battle. It's not quite as egregious as getting to bone Jean Grey, but it was right up there. The way he saw it, kids shouldn't be in battles against assholes like Exodus. And he has a valid point. Kids should be worrying about school, getting laid, and avoiding negative influences from guys like me. But in the first few pages of X-men Legacy #263, Hope Summers shows that being a mutant and being a kid sort of fucks up that which seems logical. Seeing as how Wolverine's side was getting their asses handed to them by Exodus, a little humility was in order from the fucking mutant messiah.

While Wolverine is pissed once again at Cyclops for reasons that don't involve him sticking it to Jean Grey, it doesn't stop the little mutant messiah that looks like Jean Grey from making a difference early on in the fight against Exodus. It's not clear if she taps a bit of that Phoenix power that's threatening to pit the Avengers against the X-men, but given the level of douche-baggery that Exodus has unleashed it's more than appropriate. But beyond the flare, there's still a debate going on between punches. Wolverine and even Rogue are trying to tell Hope and the kids to pull back, but neither Hope nor her comrades are willing to do so. Hope says that Cyclops and the Extinction team were busy with another extinction event and couldn't bother to be distracted by some wannabe unifier whose last name isn't Obama. So they're stuck working with kids. And while it clearly pisses Wolverine off in ways that only a whiskey shortage could come close to, he and the rest of the Legacy crew have to accept that.

Armed with Hope's messiah-level firepower, they finally start roughing Exodus up in a way that effectively silences him from more shitty preaching. If only Kirk Cameron was so easy to silence. The entire Legacy crew gets involved. Wolverine gets in some stabs. Rogue throws in a some Cannonball fueled body shots. Everyone else surround him like the kid in the playground with the most lunch money and the least amount of muscle mass. What follows is a bombardment of ass-kicking of many different varieties from many different angles. It's a glorious sight and immensely satisfying given how big a douche-bag Exodus has been over the course of the past few issues. The combined efforts of the Legacy crew and Hope's crew effectively shut his ass up like one of Vladamir Putin's political rivals.

As satisfying as this scene is, there is a problem with it. It's too damn short. Don't get me wrong, it has all the flash and flare you want in a big ass fight scene. The problem is that while it looks big, it doesn't feel big. What I mean by that is while characters like Hope, Rogue, and Wolverine all contribute, everyone else does pretty much nothing. Some don't even talk. I get that it's hard to squeeze everyone into the mix, but it really doesn't feel like over half of the characters involved really contributed. The scene could have been drawn out longer. It could have had a few more glorious details, but it didn't. It just ended too quickly before the awesome could be milked from every character. It's a tragedy almost on par with running out of ketchup at a Five Guys.

When the end comes in an all too quick manner, Exodus looks more fucked up than Tom Hanks at the end of Saving Private Ryan. Yet he's still smiling and for good reason. He essentially proved his point to Wolverine and the rest of the X-men. He demonstrated that they couldn't handle him while they were divided. They still needed to go whining to Cyclops's team like a little girl whose brother just rubbed boogers in her face. It's not your typical boasting from a bad guy that just got his ass kicked. Exodus technically won by losing here. He proved his point and the X-men don't really have much ground with which to debate him. It's one of those deeper moments that result from a battle that is so distinctive in X-men Legacy. Mike Carey did a damn good job with it time and again. Now Christos Gage has done his share.

After Exodus is done waving his dick in the face of his enemies, Pixie and the rest of the Utopia crew teleport him back to Utopia where he can be safely imprisoned in the brig. Yes, it's the same brig from which Sebastian Shaw escaped, but it's not like the Jean Grey Institute is big on keeping prisoners outside of a math class. But before they go, Rogue and Wolverine do make one last impassioned plea to the kids of Utopia that they don't have to be soldiers. They can be normal kids. But in another compelling exchange, they make clear that they're okay with being soldiers. They understand that they can't be normal and if it means they end up as fucked up as Wolverine or Rogue, they're okay with that. While Schism ended quite a while ago, the scars from that event still linger and this moment serves as a compelling reminder of just how deep this divide runs.

Even though the Legacy crew effectively beat Exodus, they return to the Jean Grey Institute with their heads hung low and their balls partially deflated. It's especially bad for Rogue because in the last issue she was the one that stayed behind to call Utopia for backup. Wolverine told her specifically not to do that for reasons that were completely vindicated when kids showed up to save their asses. Whether it's because he's exceedingly pissed or just bitter about having to be saved by a bunch of kids, Wolverine effectively demotes Rogue on the spot. If he can't trust her to not go whining to Cyclops's side, then he can't trust her. It's the second time in recent years that Rogue has pissed on the trust given to her by her leaders. Even when she tries to do the right thing, the girl just can't win for losing.

If that weren't bad enough, her clam is still wet for Magneto. After being effectively dressed down in a way that doesn't make for good porno, Rogue mopes around a bit with Rachel. They have a brief chat about her, Magneto, and how she's not over her throbbing need to snorkel his chud. Rachel points out that she went to Utopia for backup with the hidden desire to see him again. She rightly points out how unhealthy and fucked up that is. She doesn't point out how unhealthy and fucked up it is to want to bang Magneto in the first place when she's got guys like Gambit around who want to also want to bang her. It essentially leaves the disgusting Rogue/Magneto plot exactly where it began with this arc, which is probably a good thing because the last thing this series needs is more scenes with Rogue shacking up with men four times her age.

While the victory is bittersweet, the rest of the students at the Jean Grey Institute emerge from lockdown to return to their semi-normal lives. Among them is blindfold, who was the first to sense Exodus at the beginning of this arc. It was her vision that set this brawl into motion and before the issue ends, we get another vision of just how fucked up everything still is. It serves as a reminder of sorts that while Exodus was defeated, Wolverine and his crew didn't win. They only proved Exodus right and Blindfold seems to agree with his sentiment that by not standing together, they're in for a world of shit. It may or may not be a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but it's hard to deny that if they had this much trouble with Exodus then they might as well start cooking their asses to serve as orderves for the Avengers when that conflict comes rolling around.

It's a pretty tense state of affairs for X-men Legacy crew. It's not enough that they were upstaged by a bunch of kids who in another reality were just learning to masturbate effectively and sneak into R-rated movies. They showed that the whole basis of the schism was not as solid as they once thought. The lines aren't as exact as they seemed. The younger mutants still had something to contribute and moreover, they needed to contribute. They proved Exodus right on some levels. By dividing the mutant race, they were all vulnerable as fuck. With Avengers vs. X-men on the horizon, that's not a nice state to be in. So in many ways this comic sort of acts as a warning to the other X-books. Their division may end up fucking them over in ways that'll leave them pretty vulnerable when the Phoenix Force comes knocking.

This issue sent a powerful message. It also had plenty of action and brawling to finish what the previous issue began. It was entertaining, but it fell flat in a few areas. The presence of Hope Summers, the Lights, and the New Mutants promised to be a major game-changer. But not much of it was realized. Hope Summers shined. Pixie shined as only a pink-haired elf-eared teenage girl could. But everyone else didn't do three quarters of a wet fart. The battle against Exodus was a spectacle that unfolded over the course of two issues. It didn't end with a whimper, but it left a bit too much potential on the table. While more dramatic elements like Rogue getting demoted and Blindfold's ominous vision helped add a few additional elements, in the end this issue just didn't feel as awesome as it could have been.

I still enjoyed this issue. Christos Gage has handled the many differing plots throughout X-men Legacy with skills that should make Mike Carey proud and relieved. That high level of quality that I mentioned earlier is still being met. X-men Legacy has it's own unique feel like Uncanny X-men and Wolverine and the X-men. That feel and tone was definitely flaunted in this issue in a way not unlike Jennifer Lopez flaunts her ass. It's a great book, but it leaves too much awesome on the table. It's too much JaMarcuss Russel and not enough Peyton Manning. But this comic still had nearly all the top tier elements of awesome that make it worthy of being a top tier book. With that in mind I give X-men Legacy #263 a 4.5 out of 5. You've got kids upstaging adults, religious nuts on a crusade, and Rogue's panties still getting wet over a man old enough to be her grandfather. It's either X-men Legacy or my last family reunion, but only one involves six kegs of booze. Nuff said!

X-men Legacy #262 - Biblical Awesome

Usually when a character is grossly overpowered in a comic, they come off as more boring or bland than a speech by Al Gore when he's had several hits of Valium. Overpowered characters went out of style when people started realizing that the stories surrounding such characters were more predictable than Mitt Romey's hair style. There are only so many stories you can tell with a character than can literally punch his way out of anything whether it's an exploding planet or a parking ticket. So when an overpowered character like Exodus comes along, it usually means there's going to be a lot of fighting and a lot of trash talk. But you usually don't expect any existential elements that will make you question the inherent mysteries of the multiverse.

Yet Christos Gage managed to avoid that pitfall. In his previous issue of X-men Legacy, he brought Exodus back into the picture after being MIA for the last few years (presumably spending his free time fucking with Pat Robertson as I'm assuming that shit never gets old). Even though he's one of Magneto's former acolytes, he didn't show up at the Jean Grey Institute looking to bust their heads for not making him the school's official panty inspector. He showed up because he in his infinite wisdom had determined that the schism that divided the entire mutant race was going to destroy them all and he couldn't allow it. He was going to just ask Wolverine to work out his differences with Cyclops. He was telling him in the same way the IRS tells us that the income tax if voluntary. This led to a pretty elaborate and pretty awesome battle that ended with Exodus finding out the major details of what happened in Schism. He then determined that Wolverine's team wasn't the one he should be beating up. It was Cyclops that needed his ass kicked.

Now under less fucked up circumstances, I assume Wolverine would have no problem letting someone like Exodus slap Cyclops around a bit. If for no other reason than to wound him in a way that make-up sex with Emma Frost can't heal. However, Utopia is still full of kids that didn't join the Jean Grey Institute. While he still resents Cyclops, he and his team still have an obligation to stop Exodus. It's something that Rogue and Wolverine actually argue about in the first pages of X-men Legacy #262. It actually revisits the whole premise of what led the two teams to schis in the first place. Rogue wants to stay behind to warn Utopia. Wolverine wants to just go after Exodus since he lost his teleportation powers, once again due to Rogue. He just doesn't want Cyclops sending kids to take on someone like Exodus. But Rogue sees it differently. They both have very valid concerns and that's part of what makes the tension so very real. You usually don't get shit that real when a guy like Exodus is dicking around.

In an effort to avoid a very awkward reunion with Cyclops, Wolverine loads his team up in the Blackbird and flies them out in pursuit of Exodus before he can reach Utopia. Rogue later catches up with them via teleportation and right before they're about to crash into him no less. Makes me wonder if she was just holding back so she didn't have to listen to Wolverine bitch and moan about how much he hates the guy that married Jean Grey. Whatever her reason, she returns and even borrows Cannonball's powers to get the ball rolling on the battle. Even though Exodus was lightly drained in the previous issue, it still requires an all out assault just to stop him before he reaches his destination.

Some elements from other X-books were incorporated here, much to Gage's credit. He mentions the Jean Grey Institute's precarious financial situation, which makes crashing the jet into Exodus a financially unviable tactic. It's subtle, but it's one of those little things that goes a long ways in a book. Besides, it just means that Rogue has to teleport Wolverine and the others out into mid air where they wrestle Exodus out of the sky until he hits the ground in a meteor-like strike that would make Michael Bay cum in his pants. It's a nice way to get the ball rolling while showing everyone that there are more economically practical ways to take down an overpowered enemy without crashing expensive shit. The GOP candidates would do well to take notice.

Like Brett Favre after he breaks his ankle in the middle of a championship game, Exodus gets up and shakes off the impact. Wolverine and his team take not chances with this guy. They attack in full force, laying into him before he can get his second wind. Seeing as how he roughed them up pretty good in the last issue, they're due for a little payback. And this time it isn't just Rogue that shines. Others like Iceman demonstrate that he can use his powers for more than making nude ice sculptures of Jessica Alba, taking on a hulking ice form to help add a little force to his attacks. All the while Rachel has to hold back and use her telepathy to keep Exodus from mind-raping them into thinking their bodies had been anally probed to the point of paralysis. Again, it's one of those little elements that Gage hasn't really demonstrated to this point, but damn it if he makes it work.

That doesn't mean Exodus doesn't start hitting back at one point. He's on a holy mission damn it and like most religiously motivated crusades, he's not going to let a little thing like reason hold him back. He manages to hit Wolverine with a blast that burns most of the flesh from his bones. Granted, that probably happens to him at least once a week, but it does show that Exodus can hit back and look badass while doing it. But it isn't just the hitting that makes the battle engaging. There's actually some character development in the mix of it all if you can believe that.

Since it wasn't until recently that Frenzy became a major player in the X-books, it's easy to forget that she and Exodus were once on the same team. They were once professional douche-bags as Magneto's acolytes, doing his bidding and finding ways to screw over the X-men and the human race. But then Frenzy was converted due to the power of Cyclops's penis in Age of X. Exodus readily points out that such an experience made her soft and he wasn't just referring to her cooch. Frenzy responds both with a punch to the face and a reminder that right or wrong, Cyclops didn't bail on everybody. It's nice way of showing where Frenzy is as a character and how she's come to accept her new role with the X-men. It's a great moment even if it is subtle. But if you can't appreciate it, then I'm sorry but you need better weed.

Since Exodus doesn't know or care about the power of Cyclops's penis, he has little issue with roughing up his old teammate. But to his credit, Exodus doesn't just do it because he's annoyed by her changing sides. He actually does a little preaching Billy Graham style, only not as insane. He admits he failed the Acolytes and in order to make up for his failure, he wants to reunite the mutant race. He genuinely believes that their lack of unity will destroy them. It's not your typical I'm-a-badass-so-I'm-gonna-beat-the-shit-out-of-people-who-annoy-me type babble and that's a good thing. Even if his efforts have some merit, the X-men don't buy it. Since Gambit has shown a desire to tap Frenzy's ass, he uses his powers to blow up Exodus's cape. It may not slow Exodus down, but it may increase his chances of getting laid and that's just as important.

Despite this onslaught and eccentric preaching, Exodus once again proves he's as overpowered as Pat Robertson wishes he were. He's able to beat back the X-men and shatter Rachel's psychic defenses. This allows him to use his own psychic powers to paralyze the team. It's not unlike the last issue where Exodus demonstrated too much power and too much insanity, even for a guy with a biblically inspired name. At this point readers may once again be frustrated by how overpowered this guy is. I share your frustration, but I have booze to help me with that. If there's been one flaw in this eventful arc, it's that everything the X-men do pretty much amounts to dick because Exodus is just that strong.

However, this is where Gage throws in yet another twist. Remember that argument Wolverine and Rogue had at the beginning of the book? The one where Wolverine would rather take down Exodus before Cyclops could throw kids into the battle? Well it turns out he wasn't drunk or just dwelling on the fact that he never got to lick Jean Grey's tits. Before Exodus can kill the X-men with his rants about salvation for the mutant race, Utopia's backup arrives. However, it isn't the Extinction Team. It isn't the security team either. It's Generation Hope and a couple of the New Mutants. Yep, they're all kids who in another world would be obsessing over SATs. It's a twist that may or may not vindicate Wolverine's concern, but they may be their best hope against Exodus so it makes for a very volatile situation with which to end the comic.

An arc based entirely around the premise of fighting one overpowered character still seems like it shouldn't work. It's something most of us can get in the real world by watching a boxing match with Manny Pacio against some wannabe lightweight that's 40 pounds lighter than him. But Christos Gage once again manages to take this premise and turn it into a damn good story. It's a story that involves more than just Exodus whipping out his dick and showing everyone that dares question it's prowess how much it hurts to fuck with him. He's on a biblical quest, misguided it may be, to reunite the mutant race whether they like it or not. Being reasonable just doesn't work for him. Diplomacy is for pussies. It may make him friends with Iran, but not with the X-men. It led to some great dramatic moments and a surprise twist with the appearance of Generation Hope. It's definitely the kind of overpowered brawl that actually measures up in ways that go beyond who punches harder.

I usually have some criticisms with X-men Legacy regarding how Rogue is often over-utilized as a cure-all for everything that ails the X-men. I still think it's a problem with other arcs involving her, but in this instance that sort of overuse actually has a valid purpose. She needs to be that flexible power-draining babe that shows off her cleavage in order to measure up against Exodus. And she doesn't take on every aspect of the fighting. Other characters like Frenzy and Gambit and even Iceman manage to shine. However, Gage still hasn't filled in some of the plot holes from the last issue. We still don't know what led Exodus to take this crazy stance about mutant unity. He was just thrown into the mix. That and some of the other dramatic elements that were discussed in the last issue like with Rogue, Gambit, and Frenzy were pretty much forgotten. But most readers probably won't give a shit since the drawn out battle is so damn entertaining.

X-men Legacy has been in a transitional state for the past few issues. The end of Mike Carey's legendary run and the beginning of Christos Gage's run has been a volatile time for this series. For the most part, Gage has measured up respectfully. However, this is the first issue to date where he's really set himself apart. With this issue, he's delivered the kind of awesome for X-men Legacy that I thought would take a while to match after Mike Carey's departure. As such, his accomplishments with this issue are all the more respectable. That's why I give X-men Legacy #262 a 5 out of 5. It feels good to be this thrilled by an issue of X-men Legacy again. So long as it doesn't throw in too many scenes with Rogue shacking up with men four times her age, I think the future of this series is bright. Nuff said!

Generation Hope #16 - Messianic Awesome

I tend not to make a big deal of comics that use the kind of messianic metaphors that make Pat Robertson, the Family Research Council, and James Dobson whine like little girls stuck in a room with a spider. I enjoy blasphemy as much as the next guy, but let's face it. The story has been done to death for the past 2000 years. However, the messianic story surrounding Jea-I mean Hope Summers (my memory sucks when I'm drunk) is not a story you would expect to hear from Middle Eastern goat herders. It's a story that Marvel has turned into an epic that has spanned years. Jean-I mean Hope (I need to sober up) is in a position to be the messiah to the entire mutant race. She's already helped boost their numbers with the Five Lights. Like a certain Middle Eastern preacher, she's gained some exceedingly loyal followers along the way and used those followers to go on the kind of adventures they right books about. Can't think of a good example, but you get the idea.

However, part of every messiah story involves a betrayal of sorts. You don't take on the role of a savior without making a few enemies because saviors by definition have to save others from something that's fucking with them. More often than not, it's a someone. The only way to combat it is to fuck with the system itself and Je-I mean Hope (need more coffee) has been doing more than her share. Since Second Coming, she's become less a messiah and more an insubordinate brat who thinks with her fist more than her brain. This has already led her to put Idie in a bad position that led her to leave the team in Schism. Then in the most recent arc, she brought Sebastian freakin' Shaw to Utopia and demanded that he join her team. She might as well have brought Mephisto on a double date with Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson.

All this has led to more and more anxiety from her fellow Lights and the other X-men, especially Emma Frost since she tends to despise redheads for obvious reasons. Now it's getting to a point where some are looking to play the role of Judas in Hope's (cold shower did the trick!) messianic story. Generation Hope #16 begins to tell that story. It starts off by showing Hope in a pretty conflicted position because after the hissy fit she threw in the last issue with Sebastian Shaw, Cyclops has given her the X-men's file on the asshole for her to study. In reviewing it, she gets a sense that she's dealing with a guy that may or may not rank somewhere between pond scum and donkey shit. Plus, he did try to kill Cable a few times. That can't help, but to Cyclops's credit he's still trusting her. To him, she's still the messiah and that means giving her the kind of leeway that Charlie Sheen gets with his family.

Messiah or no messiah, some of the Lights are finally getting tired with her bullshit. And who better to conspire against a Jean Grey ripoff than an Akira ripoff? Kenji made it clear at the end of the last issue that he didn't like the control she asserted on him or the other Lights. And being the kind of deranged artist that thinks logic doesn't make for good art, he starts plotting. He attempts to get Laurie involved and he shows a little creativity in the process (he is an artist after all). He uses those creepy tentacle-rape monster type powers of his to link into Laurie's mind where he creates an illusion where they're both normal. He points out (correctly) that Hope has power and influence over every one of them and the more Lights she activates, the more power she'll have. He briefly flashes an image of her becoming a Goblin Queen like one-woman army, which I admit is pretty hot, but since she's already a Jean Grey ripoff I would rather Hope leave Madelyn Pryor alone.

The fucked up thing about this crazy lecture is that Kenji isn't wrong. Hope isn't the tragic little girl that was running from Bishop for most of her life. She's an arrogant brat not afraid to assert herself on a bunch of young mutants who haven't had much time to adjust to the idea that they're doomed to being labeled a freak for the rest of their lives. She hasn't really made them feel normal. She's tried to turn them into soldiers for her rescue team. Even if he is one of those artists that sniffed one too many paint fumes, Kenji has good reason not to trust her with an army of Lights.

It's a very serious and emotional moment for Kenji and Laurie. However, James Asmus isn't without throwing in a bit of humor. In previous issues, Teon has proven unable to control his mating instincts around the Stepford Cuckoos. But cut him some slack. They're three hot blonds that like to dress in catholic school girls uniforms. How could anyone, let alone a hyperinstinctual mutant, help himself? Two of the Cuckoos try to hose him off like a priest taking a cold shower after watching the Little League World Series. They even create a nice dream-world for him where he's surrounded by beautiful women and all his does is eat, sleep, mate, and fight. Instinct or not, that sounds like Heaven in my book! But what's interesting here is one of the Cuckoos actually comes to Teon's aid. It leads to a rare fight among the triplets and not the kind you can masturbate to unfortunately. It shows that the Lights aren't the only one dealing with a potential rift. Could one of the Cuckoos have the hots for a lovable horndog like Teon? It's possible and could make for the kind of fantasy that both dogs and man alike can cherish. 

So her Lights are conspiring against her. Her unofficial pet in Teon can't tear himself away from the Stepford Cuckoos. You would think this is shit she should be on top of, but she does have other crap to deal with. Namely Sebastian Shaw. After reading about what a douche-bag he is, she pays him a visit. Shaw has since shaved both his beard and head, making him look less like a rich asshole and more like the guy I buy pot from. You don't want to feel any sympathy fr this asshole, but he does make clear that he trusts Hope and Hope has to lie to his face that she would help him recover memories of who he was. Given what she's read about him, it's understandable. But still, she's supposed to be the messiah and lying like that is usually a bad sign. I'm sure even Jesus was a little more tactful when his disciples asked about him and Mary Magdalyn.

Everyone seems to either be plotting to kill one someone or fuck them. Teon seems to be improving his luck with the Cuckoos, but what about Gabriel? He also has a raging boner that won't go away. He's tried sharing it with Hope, which only ended in disaster. He tried sharing it with Pixie, who didn't much appreciate it either. But since he went out of his way to save her ass in the last arc, she's a bit more open to letting him lick chocolate off it now. She pays him a visit and it doesn't take long before she forgets all about his tendency to let his penis do the thinking and kisses him. Maybe it's just because Pixie has a lack of options on Utopia and not enough people have an Elf fetish. So why not go for a guy who is so horny at times that he would hump beanbag chair with a slit in it? It's not romantic, but they both get laid. So why not?

While Gabriel's day is getting better by the second, Hope's day just keeps getting worse. She crosses paths with Emma Frost again, who if you'll recall smacked her across the face in the previous issue in a rather awesome way. She just finished a meeting with Kenji, which is like seeing the President of Iran come out of a gas station bathroom with a nuclear weapons scientist from North Korea. In a very unmessianic way, Hope blows Emma off and once again it's not in a way you can masturbate to. My dick is starting to get very upset, but at the expense of diverting too much blood from my brain I'll also point out that Hope confronts the same gang of mutants that tried to rough her up in the last issue as well. It was a generic fight, but one that left Random and his buddies pretty humiliated. So it's a little surprising/ominous when Kenji comes along to break it up. It doesn't come off as an overly friendly gesture either. It's more a "the bitch is mine!" type move.

It's not just Kenji that's making a move either. After yet another instance where Emma wants to slap Hope a new one, she meets with Cyclops to nag him like any good girlfriend should when their fuck buddy is paying too much attention to another woman. What's odd is she's not wrong either. She points out that Cyclops is giving Hope way too much leeway and is blindly trusting that she's the messiah they all hope she is. That doesn't sit well with her and for once Emma Frost's tits, pussy, ass, and lips are not enough to sway Cyclops. Even the mention of the Phoenix does nothing so Emma Frost does something that if it happened in any other book would be big. She uses her powers to knock his ass out. It's not quite as bad as locking a clamp around a man's dick, but I imagine it's right up there.

This is a powerful scene, but once again it's playing off the old theme that Marvel won't do anything to seriously disrupt the Cyclops/Emma relationship. So it's hard to take seriously that something is going to happen here. Moreover, all this drama seems to be happening in a vacuum. It's really not clear how this fits into the events of the other X-books, if at all. It means either nothing meaningful will come of this shit or it's just one of those things that will be glossed over in other books. That's the problem with comics that are about to end. So many good things may happen towards the end, but it's all too easy for related books to write them off.

Now Hope's blind adherent isn't around to help her. It allows Kenji to take some pages out of Japanese anime porn and use that tentacle rape body to attack Hope in a way that isn't quite NC-17, but still pretty fucked up. Using his powers and getting help from former brain-in-a-jar Martha, he starts mind raping Hope into a dream world where he attacks her. He brings up the events of the first arc of Generation Hope where she used his own powers to fuck with him and tame him. He also taunts her at how she's an arrogant brat who wants to be a messiah, but doesn't give three sixteenths a shit about the Lights she influences. Again, he's not wrong. Hell, I found myself saying "It's about damn time!" when I read this scene. I'm not an art buff, but Kenji is alright! Aside, from of course, the tentacle rape connotations.

Once he's done screwing with her mind a bit, he wakes her up to show that she's in a position that another messiah back in Palestine 2000 years ago was in. She's nailed to a cross-like structure with Emma Frost, Magneto, Kenji, Laurie, and a bunch of other mutants surrounding her. They dare her to show that she's the messiah she claims to be, but Kenji also points out that messiahs have a tendency to die. It's really an either/or prospect. Either sacrifice herself like a good messiah or stop being such a bitch. It should be an easy choice for any reasonably minded person, but Hope Summers is the same arrogant bitch that brought Sebastian Shaw to Utopia. Reasonably minded left her sorry ass a long time ago.

This is the kind of story that hasn't exactly been brewing from the beginning, but the potential has always been there. Now James Asmus is realizing it and doing a damn good job of making good use of it. He really shines here in the way he handles these characters. I can honestly say that this is probably the best depiction that the Lights have gotten in quite some time. We don't just get to see Kenji and Laurie adjusting to their roles as mutants under Hope's wing. We get to see them wrestling with their very nature. The visuals and the mind games help give this book a unique feel. They don't go to some exotic location to fight a battle. Much of it happens inside their minds and really helps flesh the characters out. Because while Kenji sounds like an artist that smoked way too much weed at times, he's perfectly reasonable in despising Hope for her hold on the team.

The only criticism I can levy against this issue (if you can even call it that) is this drama doesn't seem to play off anything else that's going on in the other X-books. Shaw's presence hasn't been brought up to anyone yet and Namor, who was assured that Emma Frost killed the man, hasn't even been mentioned in a thought bubble. While this story may eventually mix with the rest of the X-books, at the moment it feels very isolated and narrow. It's written in a way that seems too cut off from the larger scope of the X-books. I know that Generation Hope is getting canceled, but that doesn't mean it can't play a part in the greater X-men landscape. It's still a very well-written book, but is too narrow in scope and we get no sense that the events in this issue will affect other books even if they should.

On it's own, Generation Hope #16 is still a quality comic. James Asmus has done an admirable job taking this series down the home stretch. Unlike the last arc that involved an adventure in Western China, this arc is more character based and brings to surface something that feels like an important element to the whole messiah aspect to Hope's character. With Avengers vs. X-men looming in the not-so-distant future, the timing couldn't be more appropriate. It just needs to fit into that larger puzzle. With that in mind I give Generation Hope #16 a 4.5 out of 5. When Judas got tired of being a messiah's prison bitch, he struck a deal in secret. When Kenji felt the same way, he took a more direct approach and played mind games with his messiah. Thus proving that even in stories that are a basis for all of Western monotheism, the Japanese are still more efficient. Nuff said!

Generation Hope #15 - Tense Awesome

I don't claim to be completely level-headed in my reviews. I don't claim to be sober either. I understand that I have a number of pet peeves in comics that rub me in ways that you don't want an Asian transvestite masseuse to do while blindfolded. But despite these personal grudges, I try to be objective with every book I review. A little brutal honesty helps as well. When a book has minor flaws, I'm willing to take an extra shot of bourbon and overlook it. But when that flaw is major, an entire mountain of cocaine isn't enough to make me ignore it. Consider this a disclaimer of sorts because I've ranted on certain flaws in the X-books before. Some of you may be sick to death of them. To those people I would say you need to drink more. For everyone else, I ask that you keep this in mind as I review Generation Hope #15.

Generation Hope is a series that has had some wild variations. From Kieron Gillen to James Asmus, this book has been cock-bustingly awesome at times and ass-clenchingly horrible at others. In between there have been WTF moments on top of "Holy shit, this is so amazing that I need to inject this book into my veins!" This series is built around some pretty novel concepts that have helped give this book a truly unique feel. The events of Schism helped shape that feel into something even more compelling. James Asmus, taking over for Kieron Gillen, did a great job with his first arc. He had Jean-I mean Hope (you really expect me to still tell them apart?) and her realigned team of Lights venture to Pakistan where they rescued an amnesic Sebastian Shaw. They don't know the man's history or that Emma Frost basically lied to everyone about what he did to him in the Quarentine arc. So when they brought him back to Utopia, the reaction from Cyclops was as overblown as expected. It made Generation Hope #15 all the more intriguing so of course I had a number of pre-rolled joints made up for this issue.

It begins right where the previous book ended, making for the kind of perfect continuity that makes comic fans all warm and fuzzy inside. First, there's a backstory page for readers who don't know the kind of douche-bag that Sebastian Shaw is. Then when the next scene involves Cyclops blasting him and getting Psylocke and Danger to contain him, you don't feel too bad about it. This is, after all, the asshole that made Cyclops's wife go Dark Phoenix and trigger decades of frustration for Jean Grey fans. In that sense Shaw is lucky that Cyclops doesn't order that Shaw's testicles are ripped out through his eye sockets.

Jean Gr-I mean Hope (shit, this is hard) and her Lights are understandably confused and so is Shaw. If you'll recall, Shaw has no memory and the Lights are still new to the game. They don't know what a douche-bag Shaw has been. So Je-I mean Hope (almost had it!) storms off with Cyclops and Emma for a badly needed explanation, leaving the Lights to scratch their heads in frustration at what they just experienced. It can't be too uplifting. They go out of their way to save someone they thought was in trouble and they return only to find out they brought back someone that the X-men hoped was lying dead in a ditch. It leads to some pretty tense moments. Velocidad reminds his teammates that every time he uses his powers, he ages a bit. And when he uses them just to save some guy the X-men hate, that's kind of a big waste. It shows that the Lights may or may not be on board with the X-men's plan. The only one who seems content with this situation is Kenji and Martha Johannsen, who he gave a new body in the last issue. They're already coddling with the kind of creepy chemistry that makes for great anime porn. It may sound disturbing, but it has the kind of charm that will make you smile and throw up at the same time.

We go from one tense moment to one that should be a million times worse. Sebastian Shaw shouldn't be alive. He shouldn't even be on Utopia. It was Emma Frost who mind-wiped him and dumped him in the middle of nowhere. It was also Emma Frost who flat out lied to Cyclops in the Quarantine arc about what she was doing with this. This in and of itself wouldn't be too egregious. She's been known to lie before, but this came after the whole Confession bullshit during Utopia where they agreed to have no more secrets. Well here's a big fucking secret that is a serious threat to both Hope and their partnership with Namor, who is working under the assumption that Emma killed Shaw for him. But what does Cyclops do? He just says "All right." No really, that's it. That's all he fucking says when his big-breasted girlfriend tells him that she lied to him and went behind his back.

Here's where those pet peeves I mentioned earlier come in. I've always cried bullshit when Cyclops and Emma's relationship basically gets a free pass when this shit would have been overblown for any other couple. Emma Frost flat out lied to Cyclops after promising she wouldn't. This usually causes strain in a relationship, both fictional and in real life. But it doesn't amount to jack shit here. They just brush it off and go back to being a walking porno. And I say that's fucking bullshit. If this happened with Cyclops and Jean Grey, every writer at Marvel would use it as a way to fuck up their relationship. But Cyclops and Emma? A couple that has the depth of an episode of Two and a Half Men? Fuck no! There's having a double standard and then there's just being an arrogant dick about it. Guess which one Asmus and Marvel uses here? I'll give you a hint. Paris Hilton loves to suck it when a night-vision camera is rolling.

The potential for drama in Cyclops and Emma's relationship is completely forgotten so they can argue with Hope (happy now?). As far as she's concerned, they just rescued someone who had their mind wiped. Whoever he was before isn't who he is now. It's not an unreasonable assumption, if of course you're an arrogant teenage girl that doesn't know why she shouldn't trust creepy men that claim to have no memory. Cyclops tries to calmly explain to Hope that Shaw is an asshole, but despite that or perhaps because of it Hope says she trusts the man. She even calls Cyclops out for having a shitty standard because this guy boned his girlfriend. It's a real dick move and Emma Frosts responds by smacking her. It's by far the best thing Emma Frost did since getting a boob job. Given how much of a bitch Hope has become lately, she more than deserved it.

While the bullshit surrounding Cyclops, Emma, and Hope is unfolding, another almost equally shitty situation is arising with the Lights. They're still standing around confused at why everyone is so pissed that they brought Sebastian freakin' Shaw to their shores. Then out of nowhere and for no reason they're confronted by some Utopia residents that used to be part of the Mutant Liberation Front. They really don't think highly of the Lights and why should they? They're a bunch of teenagers who just got their powers and because of their connection to Hope Summers, they get all of Cyclops's attention. It's not totally unreasonable, but the fact they're doing this now is really fucked up timing. Too fucked up for it not to be contrived. Laurie doesn't help by being a bitch herself so in addition to contrived timing we get a contrive fight.

It's every bit as random as it sounds. A fight breaks out between the Lights and the MLF for no other reason than to throw some action into this book. To Asmus's credit, the fight is well-organized. It has some pretty nice moments like Kenji using that Akira knock-off form of his along with Martha to show the MLF what a Japanese school girl feels like in tentacle porn. It's not just punching, kicking, and shooting. It is what it is, a mindless spectacle that helps distract from the bullshit happening in another scene. Unfortunately, it isn't distracting enough.

When Emma senses this, she interrupts their little conversation that involves heavy bitch-slapping to inform Hope that her ability to manage others has more room for improvement than downtown Detroit. So how can she really hope to manage an asshole like Sebastian fucking Shaw? Well being the arrogant bitch that she is, Hope reminds Cyclops and her Lights that she has a very strong hold on them. This hold has been hinted at before, but Hope has never flexed it like this. Not only is it a dick move, it has a very Dark Phoenix feel to it. She essentially uses this hold to remind the Lights that she's the pimp and they're her hoes and if they fall out of line, she is well within her right to fuck with them.

This is one moment that is actually really compelling in this comic. To this point, the mysterious influence Hope has over her Lights really hasn't been explored. Moreover, it hasn't taken a dark turn like this yet. When it happens here, you can't help but wonder why this didn't happen sooner. Then again, the timing may be perfect. Hope is becoming more of a brat just in time for Avengers vs. X-men as it looms over the horizon. If she's this much an asshole by the time the Phoenix arrives, then the X-men and Avengers have that much more to fight about.

Hope's little demonstration ends up making her point. Her Lights tuck their tails between their legs and run off to ponder the collapse of their collective scrotum. In addition, Cyclops caves to her wishes. Most likely because he doesn't want to upset the "City in Arizona" as he calls it. He agrees to let Hope work with Sebastian Shaw. He makes sure she reads up on his history of being a dick beforehand, but given the arrogance Hope showed earlier I doubt that'll change her mind. In addition, she has other concerns within her own team. Apparently, they don't like this influence she has over them. Kenji, being the one who almost destroyed a whole fucking city in the first arc of this series, is especially pissed and makes it clear that he's more than a little inclined to fuck up in ways that will make Emma give him all her panties.

This issue had a lot of promise. After the end of the last issue, Generation Hope #15 had a chance to really impact the dynamics of other X-books like Uncanny X-men. Sadly, that promise was never fully realized. It's like a porn star that couldn't get the boob job she wanted. It's tragic and frustrating. It's not enough that this issue once again showed that Marvel is all too willing to gloss over glaring inconsistencies in the Cyclops/Emma relationship. But meaningless fights with characters that haven't so much as taken a minor shit in other comics just make too much of this issue feel like an excuse of sorts. Hope Summers and Emma Frost get a pass while Shaw suddenly becomes a major player for reasons that even a damaged teenage girl should understand are fucked up. This is the first X-men Regenesis book that has left me very disappointed and there's no reason it had to be this way.

I won't go so far as to say it's all terrible. James Asmus did utilize other elements in this issue that helped make up for some of the flaws (to a point). The new dynamic with Kenji and Martha was disturbingly charming. And seeing Emma Frost slap Hope Summers like the bratty bitch she's become was more than enough reason to justify purchasing this comic. Moreover, Hope's hold on her Lights as she demonstrated in a very Phoenix-ish sort of way added more hints as to what may be coming with Avengers vs. X-men. So this comic did contribute to the larger themes of the X-books that are developing in other titles. It's just unfortunate that it didn't do more with what it had to work with. It's like having a boner and no lube.

This issue wasn't the worst installment of Generation Hope to date. It certainly wasn't the best either. It has some elements that make it annoyingly asinine. It has others that make it undeniably appealing. The balance between the two is hard to really define. I can't really say that one makes up for the other. It's like one part is a shot of meth while the other is a shot of heroin. They each have the opposite effects, but it's balanced out in a way that leaves you confused and your brain pretty fucked up. So in light of this split I'm giving Generation Hope #15 a 2.5 out of 5. It could have been so awesome. Instead, the chocolate is mixed in with the shit to a point where it's hard to make sense of either. Nuff said!