Uncanny X-men #9: Nuff Said!

There aren't a whole lot of ways that can make a conflict involving Apocalypse more shitty, but the X-men usually find a way in every major crossover event. As in real life, any crisis can be made worse by injecting ex-lovers into the mix. I'm convinced that a jaded ex-lover will suck Mephisto's cock just to make someone a little bit more miserable. They will make a deal involving their soul and a half-eaten bag of skittles to add to such misery.

This is the situation Psylocke finds herself in with Apocalypse Wars. She's been trying to save one former lover in Angel, who isn't all that jaded. To do that, she must deal with a far more jaded ex-lover in Fantomex. As a character who tries to be a sophisticated kind of douche-bag anti-hero, he is uniquely qualified to make the shit storm in Apocalypse Wars even worse. Uncanny X-men #9 has him poised to add more shit and make Psylocke want to rip his heart out through his asshole. I usually don't root for jaded ex-girlfriends, but I'll gladly make an exception for Psylocke.

I also make that exception because Psylocke has Magneto in her corner and generally, it's not wise to be on any side opposing Magneto. He still managed to get himself captured with Psylocke in an earlier issue. Psylocke spent a lot of time and effort trying to free him, having to go through her douche-bag ex in the process. In the end, she doesn't succeed, but Mystique does.

Yes, she has finally arrived. Jennifer Lawrence couldn't hog her completely. Her presence has been teased mercilessly since Uncanny X-men began. Finally, she shows up and at the best possible time. She doesn't just free Magneto. She does it while busting his balls and probably giving him a boner at the same time. Few women who didn't marry Larry King can make such a claim. Sure compares Magneto to Apocalypse, which does plenty to piss him off. However, he's pissed off in Akkaba City where Genocide is prepared to take a giant, genocidal dump on the mutant race. That means he has someone to take it out on.

Can we all just agree that Mystique know show to piss people off in just the right ways at just the right times?

As this shit storm in Akkaba City is unfolding, there's another conflict that is still woefully disconnected in the sewers of New York. That's not to say it's a meaningless conflict. It involves Monet and Sabretooth fighting mutant zombies, courtesy of Monet's evil, ass-ugly brother Emplate. So meaning or not, it's still pretty entertaining and personal. I'm just not sure what the fuck it has to do with Apocalypse Wars. Like light beer, that's not going to stop me from enjoying it, even if it takes a little more to get the same buzz.

The fight began in the previous issue. Now, it's progress naturally to a point where Sabretooth fucks up and gets considerably maimed by Emplate. I know he's still inverted. I know he's trying hard not to be a raging asshole. I'm just saying it's still entertaining as hell watching him get maimed. Some inversions just can't change that.

Monet doesn't let Sabretooth get maimed too much, only to the point where it's still entertaining as fuck. This is personal for her. She hasn't clashed with her brother since the Clinton Administration so this is a pretty big deal for her. Like a Backstreet Boys comeback tour, she can't afford to fuck this up. Emplate doesn't make that easy for her though. He confirms that he's the one who drew her to the Morlock tunnels. He also confirms he didn't draw her there just to maim Sabretooth, although I'm sure that was a nice bonus. Like any whiny brother, he wants her help. He just uses mutant zombies to get his point across. Not saying that's right, sane, or logical, but I can't say it doesn't work.

It's hard to top the entertainment value of mutant zombies and Sabretooth getting maimed. That said, Mystique and Magneto fighting side-by-side against the forces of Genocide is pretty damn close. It's a battle that I think Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence would approve of. They're not relying on Psylocke to work around her douche-bag ex. They're taking matters into their own hands, looking to kick Genocide's ass on their own terms. It's one thing to piss off Storm, Cyclops, or Wolverine. Pissing off Magneto and Mystique though? Even Apocalypse's minions are really pushing it.

The battle leads to a fucked up, disturbing, and oddly satisfying revelation. You know all these monstrosities and Skrillix wannabes that Genocide is making? Well, he didn't just buy them from Sinister, although I'm sure he considered that. He creates them from Angel's flesh. Sure, it requires a healthy bit of torture, but so does waiting for Comic Con tickets. It's a matter of perspective. For Angel, it's worth it because having the blood of Apocalypse in him really fucking sucks. It's another echo from the Dark Angel Saga and completely understandable in that context. Like actually paying to see the last Adam Sandler movie, it's one of those scars that just doesn't go away easily.

I still don't get the sense that Angel thought this through completely. Sure, he's a handsome, rich, charismatic preacher for some cultish church that reeks of bad televangelism and Scientology. However, he's also helping Genocide and making himself a real pussy in the process. So while his choice is understandable, it's still a dick move. In a story that has Mystique, Sabretooth, and Fantomex though, I guess it's a matter of perspective.

The same perspective applies to Emplate. He's done maiming Sabretooth, which may be disappointing to some. However, he offers a few more important revelations as to why he feels the need to communicate with mutant zombies. It turns out feeding on them is the only thing keeping him anchored to this world, which in turn prevents him from slipping back into a world that really fucking sucks. It has to suck if he considers it a downgrade from a New York City sewer. The problem is that mutants are kind of going extinct thanks to giant Inhuman fart clouds. He's going to run out of mutants soon so he kind has to get proactive.

This leads to another powerful brother/sister moment in a non-creepy, non-Game of Thrones sort of way. Emplate actually makes clear that he loves his sister. He doesn't love her enough to not attack with mutant zombies, but that's beside the point. He loves her enough to want her help and she's willing to help him, provided he stops killing mutants. However, she can only do that by making a really shitty deal for herself. It's a powerful moment and while it doesn't seem to do shit for Apocalypse Wars as a whole, it is a nice reminder of why she's awesome.

Touching, non-incest moments between siblings is nice and all. Flashy, explosive battles between Magneto, Mystique, and Holocaust are still way more fun. I'm all for sentiment in comics, but there's just no substitute to seeing Magneto and Mystique kick ass. It's not the most brutal battle. It's not Wolverine and Cyclops fighting over an old pair of Jean Grey's panties. It's still entertaining as hell and given how much Mystique pissed Magneto off earlier, it ends up being a fairly even fight. Since Apocalypse battles usually require the fucking Phoenix Force to tip the balance, this is a nice change of pace.

So all this epic shit is going on. Where is Psylocke? Did fighting with her ex really distract her that much? Well, I think we can all forgive someone for getting a little side-tracked when an asshole ex enters the picture, but she's supposed to be tougher than this. Modern feminism demands it. Instead, she encounters some of the fucked up monstrosities that Genocide created with Angel's flesh. She's so spent from fighting her ex at this point that she doesn't stand a chance when they attack and poison her. Of course Fantomex sees this and of course he's probably resisting the urge to dance to a Taylor Swift song. He's just that big a douche. It really is a low point for Psylocke. It's definitely one Olivia Munn will want to avoid for future X-men movies.

There is an indirect benefit/problem for situations when Psylocke is in that much trouble. It pisses off Arcangel, her drone/attack dog/boy toy. He doesn't talk much and has been basically a blunt instrument since Uncanny X-men began. Now, Psylocke is in trouble and her ex is eager to piss on her corpse. Brainwashed or not, Archangel can't have that. He finally arrives, ready to fuck up Genocide and Fantomex's balls, but not necessarily in that order. I still find it strange rooting for jaded ex-girlfriends, but when this is the shit it inspires, I'm happy to make an exception.

So...is it awesome?

It has Mystique finally joining the battle and fighting alongside Magneto. Does I really need to write an essay on why that shit is awesome? It took a while, but it finally converged in a cohesive way. Then shit started blowing up. That's basic level awesome at its best. The advanced levels aren't on as big a display as before, but for good reason. Uncanny X-men #9 focuses less on drama and more on moving the plot forward. It does this with a lot of destruction, suffering, and mutant zombies. It's not as concise in some areas, but it's still entertaining as hell. If you can't be entertained by mutant zombies, then adjust your medications because something is wrong with you.

Final Score 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #9

I love comics. I love getting wasted. And I love doing them all at the same time. I’ve found that there are very few things in life that can’t be made more awesome with the proper mixture of booze and comics. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and marshmallow, or beautiful women and thongs. Alone by themselves they are great, but it is only together when they are awesome. That’s why I love to offer the perspective of those who prefer to indulge their love of comics in a less sober mindset. What you’re about to read are the deranged thoughts that emerge from my reading of Uncanny X-men #9. So grab your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, make some smores, and hire a stripper because I’m about to mix it up in a way that only a seasoned drunk can.

In a series that already has a lot of hot blonds, the addition of Dazzler is like mixing cocaine with whiskey. It just makes something that’s already awesome even more awesome. But now Dazzler isn’t just another pretty blond wannabe pop star that tries out for American Idol and blows one of the judges to get a favorable vote. She’s a full-fledged SHIELD agent and that’s why she showed up at Fabio’s home shortly after Cyclops let him leave his team. Needless to say, his parents weren’t thrilled to find out that he was had a unique and interesting trait that would make it difficult to get a boring ass job for the rest of his life. And when Dazzler wanted to talk to him (and by talk I mean arrest and/or detain), Fabio’s dad pulled a gun on her. In the same way that’ll get your ass shot with real cops, Dazzler fucks him up by playing one of her old albums and demonstrating the physics of a flash bang. It’s destructive and messy, but fuck if she doesn’t make it look sexy as hell.

Not everything can be sexy and explosive though. Every now and then, a comic has to deal with some of the more mundane shit we see in everyday life. For the X-men, that includes training. And I guess training at the new Xavier school involves Yoga without the sexy Yoga pants. I have to say I’m very disappointed that I didn’t get to see Emma Frost in Yoga pants, but maybe that’s not a good idea when you’ve already got a boner and a fifth of vodka in you.

It’s still mundane training, but it also gives their newest mutant, David, to show off his new mutant powers that got him shot in the last issue. As we already saw, his powers involve being able to manipulate machines. So he demonstrates it by having the X-jet take off. It’s impressive and he’s a little clumsy with it, but that’s to be expected. He just became a mutant just got shot. He can be forgiven for being a little clumsy. Although I’m curious as to why nobody has asked why the fuck they even need a jet when they have another pretty blond in Illyana to teleport them everywhere. I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a backup in case she gets a bad case of demonic PMS again.

Training isn’t the only mundane aspect of this comic either. After David’s little demonstration, one of the Cuckoos, Irma/Mindee, shows up and reveals that she dyed and cut her hair. For some women, that’s the same as amputating a digit and her two sisters certainly treat it like that. I really don’t see the point of this development or why the fuck Mindee would do something like this. I guess Bendis has been getting way too many blond jokes about this book and wanted to mix it up. That or she wanted something that would allow Chris, who was flirting with her in an earlier issue, to tell them apart so he could keep flirting. Or maybe this is just another one of those cases where women do shit that men will never understand and the best we can do is get drunk enough to forget how frustrating it is.

Some of these mundane plots may not be exciting as a battle in Limbo or an attack on a sentinel factory, but I actually found this sub-plot to be refreshing. Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing Cyclops lead a team of inexperienced young mutants into battle, but you can’t forget they’re inexperienced young mutants no matter how much weed you smoke. They need to train at some point. And they need to actually do shit that is easier to relate to. I’ve fought killer unicorns while tripping on LSD, but that doesn’t help me relate to these characters all that much. It only ensures I will never ever get into horse racing.

Eventually, the mundane has to give way to more serious shit and you can’t get much more serious in the Marvel universe by being detained by SHIELD. Now I’m no lawyer for the ACLU, but I’m pretty sure it’s a dick move on the part of the authorities to just arrest some teenager who did nothing wrong without a warrant or without giving him access to a lawyer. And only did they arrest Fabio, they fucking handcuffed him to a chair while Dazzler interrogated him on the SHIELD helicarrier and not in the way you can make awesome S&M porn out of. I get that she wants to know the location of Cyclops’s base, but I think there are less douchey ways of doing it. And Fabio didn’t know the location anyways. But that never stopped Dick Cheny from ordering that a suspect be water boarded. I imagine the shit a hot blond SHIELD agent would do is a lot more painful and a lot kinkier.

Luckily for Fabio and unluckily for my penis, Cyclops and his team show up to save him. During the interrogation, Maria Hill and Agent Coulson realized that by taking Fabio with them they essentially gave the NSA their Facebook password because Cyclops’s team has Cerebro. They can track mutant signatures like Fabio. And while it’s pretty fucking pathetic they didn’t realize that until after they handcuffed the poor kid to a chair, I can’t be too shocked. They’re an overpaid government agency and even in comics, you can’t always expect competence.

But you can always expect Maria Hill to be pissed the fuck off. I think Cyclops and the rest of the team understands that and being the generous outlaws they are, they had Magik teleport Maria Hill to a tropical beach. That’s like Eagles fans pooling their money together to buy Eli Manning six Swedish supermodel prostitutes. It’s a unique kind of pwnage, but pwnage none-the-less. The rest of the SHIELD agents aren’t as lucky since Tempus just freezes them in time. The only benefit they’ll get is being able to punch out early and get overtime.

Then the team confronts Dazzler and while it could have turned into another mutant-on-mutant battle, it’s actually somewhat more mundane. Cyclops confronts Dazzler, who he hasn’t seen since she took a break from her dimension hopping in Xtreme X-men. They aren’t overly hostile, but Dazzler makes it painfully clear that she has little sympathy for him. She still treats him like a criminal and gives him shit for killing Charles Xavier. And I think it’s also a pretty safe bet that she didn’t give any shit to Tony Stark for shooting the Phoenix Force with a big gun, but I’m not drunk enough to have that debate again.

This time, the scene was too mundane and it’s not just because Dazzler let them walk away with Fabio without a struggle of any kind. She’s still bitching to Cyclops the same way every other Marvel team has been doing and this after they seemed to have an understanding during their last encounter in Xtreme X-men #7.1 (a comic you should totally read by the way). That took place after Avengers vs. X-men as well and now she’s all in with SHIELD? I think that’s just fucked up. Cyclops calls her the Uncle Tom of mutants and she calls him the Sirhan Sirhan (the guy who shot RFK). Unless you believe in shitty conspiracy theories, that’s a very poor comparison. I know Dazzler is a hot blond, but she’s smart enough to know that.

After leaving Dazzler behind without a fight or anything that would give anyone more respect for blonds, Cyclops decides to throw in one more act of pwnage. He brought David along for this little rescue mission, now going by the codename Hijack, and he intends to test the limits of his powers. And since they’re on a big ass flying aircraft carrier, those limits better be pretty fucking limited. It’s a nice way to let the new kid shine. I imagine that after getting shot by the police in the previous issue, he has little qualms about pissing off law enforcement now. Personally, I would have flown the helicarrier over Antarctica. But I’m guessing that David hasn’t been harassed by drug cops as much as I have.

Overall, it makes for a pretty shitty day for Dazzler and an awesome day for justice, civil liberties, and minorities. A part of me still feels bad for her, but it’s probably the same part that is okay with seeing the fucking New York Yankees win another World Series. She’s demoralized and defeated. Never mind that she really didn’t do jack shit to stop Cyclops from taking Fabio back. But she attempts to get past it by sharing a cup of coffee with Agent Coulson. Unfortunately, that coffee isn’t coffee and that isn’t Agent Coulson. After fucking a lot of things up in All New X-men, Mystique has done my penis another favor and taken her shenanigans to Uncanny X-men. Not only that, she drugged a hot blond that was acting like a bitch. I know she’s supposed to be the sexy bad girl, but I can’t help but salute her and for once it’s not just with my penis.

After reading this comic, I can’t help but be seriously disappointed with Alison and I never thought I would say that about a pretty blond. But I also can’t help but smile and take a bong hit at how these young mutants are developing under Cyclops’s care. They actually get to pwn SHIELD, save fellow mutants, and expose the bullshit they have to go through with the authorities. It’s all the revolution without the dirty hippie protests. And Mystique drugging Dazzler at the end was a nice bonus. It may be the only appropriate time when a pretty girl being drugged doesn’t turn into some shitty human interest story on Oprah. I give Uncanny X-men #9 a 7 out of 10. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a donation to the ACLU and give Bill O’Riley the finger. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #9 - Sub-Orbital Awesome

My old high school gym teacher imparted two life-long lessons on me. The first one was "If I catch you masturbating in the girl's locker room again I'm calling the cops!" The second was "When you take on the whirlwind of shit that is life, you'll come out less smelly if you work with a team." I often found the latter more useful than the former. Teaming up is part of what has allowed human civilization to accomplish such wonderful feats like the pyramids, the Great Wall of China, and internet porn. In comics, team-ups are as common as yeast infections in hot tubs on the set of the Jersey Shore. While Marvel may be building towards an event that involves two teams that usually get along beating the everloving shit out of each other, there's still a place for team-based stories. The shit hasn't hit the fan yet so why not enjoy what precious time they have left before their sense of smell is permanently destroyed?

Uncanny X-men isn't billed as a book for team-ups. It's billed as a book where Kieron Gillen tells stories about how Cyclops's Extinction Team waves their dick in the face of humanity to let them know they'll still save their asses, but they won't be bullied. This team of heavy hitters is billed as a team with the kind of strength and firepower to take on threats that could wipe their ass with the entrails of the human race. They've already taken on the likes of Sinister and explored an entirely new world in Tabula Rasa. With Avengers vs. X-men just on the horizon, the Extinction team doesn't have much more time to reinforce the notion that power of their dick is not to be fucked with. Well Gillen has a fresh new arc for them to prove that and fanboys have plenty of lube and tissues should they need to mop up from the excessive waving of said dick.

This arc has been billed as the last amicable team-up between the X-men and Avengers before they start beating the shit out of each other. It's sort of like the good-natured handshake between teams in a football game before they begin placing bounties on the heads of opposing players (too soon, New Orleans?). It's an intriguing prospect for a story, but one that has a purpose beyond giving readers one last friendly team-up before a very unfriendly conflict begins. This is the Extinction Team's chance to show that their dick is just as big if not more so than the dick the Avengers have been waving for years. It's a good old fashioned dick-measuring contest with superpowers! What's not to be excited about?

Uncanny X-men #9 gets the ball rolling with a few little plots, which are fairly typical of a Kieron Gillen story. We get a chance to see Colossus standing in front of the prison cell where his sister, Magik, is held when she's not in the field aiding the Extinction Team. Danger, the de facto warden of the brig with boobs, offers a brief explanation to readers who smoke too much weed as to why Magik is locked up and why she's dangerous. Even if the reason is entirely valid (and if you read New X-men then you know it is), Colossus is still not happy with it and since he's now the fucking Juggernaut he has no reason to be polite about it.

Someone else who has no need for manners is Emma Frost. Between her plastic surgery, money, mutant powers, and attitude she doesn't really have much incentive to be kind to anyone. However, in the first arc of the Uncanny relaunch she did get humbled somewhat when she had her fucking arm blown off. It forced her to sit out the Tabula Rasa arc, leaving Psylocke to fill in the obligatory sex appeal that Marvel needs to cater to the testicle-bearing portion of their readership. But Emma had her arm re-attached in the last issue and she's already exercising it by taking on a scenario of Sinister clones...in her underwear. Why? Because she's Emma fucking Frost! If she wants to do something half-naked, then by the ass hairs of Zeus she's going to do it! However, getting your arm blown off can have an impact even on the most egocentric of blondes. So it's no surprise that Namor seeks her out to console her/attempt to get an Atlantian snorkel from her (which I assume is their euphemism for blow job). He only partially succeeds, but what's more telling is that Cyclops isn't the one aiding his half-naked girlfriend. You would think he would have problems with his sexually liberated lady friend rubbing shoulders (and possibly other organs) with a real king, but he's so distracted that not even a half-naked Emma Frost can stop him. If this doesn't show Cyclops is becoming unhinged, nothing short of him cutting off his own balls will.

Now normally, I use scenes like this to go on a rant about how Marvel never does anything to drive a wedge between Cyclops and Emma. Well, maybe I'm not drunk enough, but I can't really rant about it this time. The Cyclops/Emma relationship hasn't been too prominent lately and Cyclops's increasing obsession with protecting Hope Summers seems to have gotten in the way of the usual bedroom antics that Matt Fraction loved to describe. I'm not complaining and I'm not getting my hopes up that Marvel will actually allow something to happen with Namor and Emma. I'm just saying it's not as overt as it once was and I think that's a good thing.

These dramatic elements are typical of Kieron Gillen's style and set an interesting tone for the rest of the arc. However, drama alone can't make a story awesome. Gillen knows this and introduces the Extinction Team's newest threat, which is actually not so new. Some may be too high to remember, but Kieron Gillen did have another gig before he got involved with Uncanny X-men. He wrote the brief, but memorable series SWORD. Before Marvel decided to act like assholes and cancel the series, he introduced a character named Unit. Now skipping all the dick jokes I could make about that, this is a being that's part sentinel and part Silver Surfer. That earned him a place in the most secure area of SWORD's sub-orbital prison. Not content with just jerking off to images he can scratch on a well, he hatches an escape that if his inner narration is any indication puts him on the same exotic level as the Scarlet Witch in terms of beating the odds. It's one of Gillen's best talents, narrating a character that may or may not be less than stable. But you know what isn't stable? SWORD's defenses, causing their entire sub-orbital brig to break off and crash into the Earth.

When something that catastrophic happens, it turns Abigail Brand from the coldest bitch this side of Ann Colter's taint to a graveling child begging her mommy for a sippy cup. She interrupts Cyclops and Emma as they're discussing Magik's less-than-favorable status. It's probably for the best because if the conversation went for too long, Colossus would probably go Juggernaut and attack Cyclops in a way that could not be defended by Emma Frost's boobs. It effectively silences Colossus before he can make his case, but since an outbreak of alien prisoners usually means the Extinction Team needs to be at full capacity that means Magik can get some fresh air and maybe vent some of that demonic influence of hers. It's like letting your sister out of her room to attack the mailman when she's PMSing. You just gotta let her vent.

With help from Magik's quick teleportation powers, the X-men arrive at at site where some of the alien prisoners from SWORD decide to treat a small town diner like the toilet in a gas station bathroom. Being cooped up in a sub-orbital brig leaves them with little regard for Earthly property and they don't give a damn if they destroy one more place where a red-blooded American can get drunk. As a functioning booze hound, I take a great deal of satisfaction in seeing the X-men show up and kick their ass. It's a spectacle like pretty much every fight with the Extinction Team. They're even nice enough to rescue the civilians, presumably after telling them to inform everyone they meet from here on out that their dick is really that big and really not to be questioned.

But what about Unit? Why would he just cut all these prisoners loose? Well, it's a damn good distraction, that's for sure. When a dangerous figure with more power in it's pinkie finger than Tommy Lee has in is penis breaks free, that usually draws a lot of attention. This allows Unit to carry out it's mission, which isn't quite clear. But for some reason it involves plopping itself down in the middle of a snowy wilderness and scaring the piss out of a couple of hunters. Like anyone in the woods armed with a gun, when they see something that looks inhuman they usually shoot. For Unit, it's akin to a mosquito bite. He's remarkably casual in the way he narrates his actions as he strikes fear into these two unfortunate humans. He also paralyzes one of them before forming what looks like the world's worst circumcision blade. He claims an interest in seeing what makes humans tick. Unfortunately, that involves taking them apart and observing the innards. Like my old biology class when the teacher leaves us unattended with dead frogs and crazy glue, it's bound to get messy.

As a result of this mess, the Extinction Team has to enlist some help in dealing with this alien riot that's on par with a 100 LA riots. Well they don't enlist as they so much cross paths. After the Extinction Team effectively exacts justice on behalf of alcoholics everywhere that like to get shit faced at diners, the Avengers show up in their jet. It's every bit as random as it sounds. Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, and even Storm and Wolverine show up. Not much is said other than the world is getting shat upon and they need to team up. That and the Avengers lack a teleporter like Magik. Even though these teams are destined to beat the shit out of each other very soon, they don't say much and not much is made of Wolverine teaming up with Cyclops again either. They just team up and start spanning the world, looking for escapees to beat up. It makes for some nice action scenes, but the basis is still a bit underwhelming.

Now I know this arc was billed as an Avengers and X-men team-up, but given how much detail Gillen gives to other dramatic elements in this issue this team-up just falls a bit flat. The X-men finish their first battle against the SWORD prisoners and the Avengers just show up. Usually, Gillen is pretty good about meshing the plot elements so that they flow naturally (the last issue notwithstanding). This just seems a bit abrupt even if it does make sense that a prison break would require both the X-men and the Avengers and possibly the Texas National Guard as it exists in Rick Perry's head. It's not sloppy by any stretch, but it could have been done better.

So the X-men and Avengers are completely occupied, leaving Unit to finish his extensive probing of the unfortunate human rednecks he came across. It's implied that the probing was pretty gruesome, more so than any Jenna Jameson porno could ever get away with. The man looks like he wishes that this alien-looking creature stuck only to rectal probing. The art isn't too graphic here, but if you're imagination is half-way as sick as mine you can probably infer that the man suffered quite a bit. As for his hunting buddy, he doesn't get away with much either. He has his fucking head blown up and I'm not talking about the kind of blowing up that happens with a good bong hit. Now as gruesome as this is, Unit does continue to narrate that there's a purpose behind it. He wanted to dissect humans and he wanted to see what made them tick. If it means cutting them open Ted Bundy style, that's perfectly alright. But dissecting a human just doesn't give it the boner it wants. It now set it's sight on a mutant.

And what better mutant to probe than a pretty teenage redhead that happens to be the mutant messiah? Using the same deceptive tricks he used to trigger the prison break, Unit creates a false new mutant signal that the Cuckoos detect. With the battle against the SWORD prisoners still going on, Hope breaks off and gathers her (canceled) Generation Hope team. But when she arrives, Unit is ready for them. Like the two hunters that tried to attack him with antiquated boom sticks, the Lights make a pretty vain effort at attacking him. Rather than give them a good probing, he just teleports them away before taking the mutant messiah in his grasp. It means that not only could Unit be poised to cut up the most powerful mutant on the planet at the moment. He could be poised to cut up mutant kind's last hope before she can go Dark Phoenix. In this sense, I'm not quite sure if I should be rooting against the guy.

So the final team-up between the X-men and the Avengers has begun. This issue got things started in a very basic manner. Kieron Gillen demonstrated his usual sophistication in progressing plots from the point of view of certain characters. Both Danger and Unit helped establish a mindset for the story. It's one of Gillen's most defining talents aside from having a British accent to lure female readers into comics. While the conflict itself is set up nicely, the action it incurs is a bit overly basic. You get the sense that the Avengers really didn't need to just show up and ask the X-men for assistance. They probably could have just started fighting the escaped prisoners and rubbed elbows along the way. It makes the crossover seem a bit forced even if it is logistically a sound. It would have been nice to make the team-up a bit more seamless, but it still works.

Every other element in the issue is as awesome as one should expect from Kieron Gillen's work. While the previous issue was a disappointment, this issue returns to form in a scrotum crushingly awesome way. There are dramatic elements with Colossus and his sister. There are romantic elements with Emma Frost and Namor. There's a sense of mystery with Unit and why he's doing what he's doing. The presence of the Avengers as well as an appearance from the Generation Hope cast make for a story that's on a scale almost as big as Donald Trump's inferiority complex. It's an entertaining issue that should get anyone excited about this last friendly adventure before the animosity and feuding steps in.

Uncanny X-men returned to prominence under Matt Fraction thanks in large part to the large-scale stories he told. Kieron Gillen added some much needed balance to the series and since the relaunch, it has become one of the most consistently awesome X-books on the market. While the last issue was a rare anomaly of sorts, this issue recaptures everything that we've come to love from Uncanny X-men. It has all the right elements of an awesome X-men comic and Emma Frost in her underwear. There's room for improvement, but not by much. I give Uncanny X-men #9 a 4 out of 5. It's Avengers, X-men, and escaped alien prisoners. It's simple, it's fun, and it's entertaining. And unlike masturbation, it's not nearly as messy. Nuff said!