Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #39

Maybe I've had one too many shitty family reunions that end in drunken brawls and/or trips to the emergency room, but I think reunions are overrated. Whenever I see a show or comic built around a reunion, my first instinct is to assume that some producer didn't get blown enough or some editor had a stick up their ass about a certain story. I know that sounds cynical, but reunions don't carry much weight when the departure was never that sincere.

That said, I make an exception for how O5 Cyclops parted ways with the rest of his team after the Trail of Jean Grey. That actually felt sincere. He just learned his father was alive. He wanted to spend time with him, especially after finding out he's a badass space pirate. He was always going to reunite with his friends at some point. It was just a matter of how it would happen. And I can't think of a way more fitting than a crisis involving Hank McCoy, cosmic power, and space pirates. That's the crisis O5 Cyclops walks into in All-New X-men #39. He arrives just in time to see Hank McCoy being a douche again and put O5 Jean Grey in a very awkward position. I can't think of how a reunion would be better without free whiskey and blow.

That said, the first part of the reunion doesn't involve O5 Jean Grey at all. It doesn't even involve Hank McCoy being a douche, as crazy as that sounds. It involves O5 Cyclops and X-23, which is another notable reunion in and of itself. Even though X-23 got cozy with O5 Angel in his absence, I'm sure she still gets all warm and fuzzy inside when she thinks about O5 Cyclops' hugs. She wakes up after a pretty fucked up nightmare involving O5 Angel and what appears to be a fire fetish, but she sees O5 Cyclops with her so that helps balance shit out.

There were a lot of unresolved issues between O5 Cyclops and X-23, but some of those issues became a moot point when she hooked up with O5 Angel. She makes it clear she's still pissed that he left, even if he did have a semi-valid excuse. But it doesn't get more emotional than it needs to get. She's not ready to hug again, but she is content to tell him he needs to fix shit with O5 Jean. That in and of itself is pretty telling. It means she either understands the kind of strain his absence had on her or she just needs him to get away before she jumps his bone. Given how often Wolverine was inclined to jump Jean Grey's bone, I imagine it's a combination of both.

The reunion between Thane and Mr. Knife isn't nearly as emotional, but it is still an important part of the story. It's important because it establishes that Mr. Knife is an impatient asshole who thinks he can talk down to the son of Thanos. There's balls, there's bravado, and then there's just being a cosmic ass. Chuck Norris can get away with balls. Bruce Willis can have the bravado. But Mr. Knife comes off as a cosmic version of Donald Trump. He wants the Black Vortex the same way Donald Trump wants a private jet entrusted in gold and maintained by female elves with big tits. Thane, despite his asshole father, actually comes off as the bigger man here. He's tempted to just snap Mr. Knife's neck and nobody in the universe would blame them. Instead, he just opts to give him the finger and leave. A man truly does sink to a new low when he's now a bigger asshole than the son of Thanos.

That's not to say that Mr. Knife is now incapable of spreading his douche-baggery to the farthest parts of the galaxy. He still has the Slaughter Lords under his control and they're still looking for the Black Vortex on Spartax's moon. They're at least several steps behind, completely unaware that the Black Vortex is gone and being used to fuck up the Kree home world. They might as well be those guys that keep looking for the Loch Ness Monster even after the rest of the world has come to understand that it's basically just a tourist scam. But they are still a problem in that they can fuck up the X-men and the Guardians' efforts to make a move. So in that sense, they're just a step above a few speed bumps in a badly paved road.

But who gives a shit about the Slaughter Lords or how big a douche-bag Mr. Knife can be at this point? The main appeal of this issue is the reunion of O5 Cyclops and the X-men. That's what should have everybody's panties soaked with anticipation. And when he finally confronts O5 Jean Grey, it's worth having to do an extra load of laundry.

The reunion isn't ripped off from every romantic comedy in the 90s. It's not rushed or forced either, like the plot of every Mission Impossible movie. It's a simple, genuine reaction between two characters who have a metric fuckton of issues on top of being teenagers. They don't get right into how badly they want to bone each other. They actually make meaningful small talk at first. They don't try to avoid the issues, which even some adults can't seem to do in a serious conversation. Their maturity here puts them at least six levels above Peter Parker in that respect. But what makes it so powerful is how torn they still are.

For a good chunk of All-New X-men, O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean have been torn over their emotions. They still clearly care for one another, but they don't want to be doomed to this fate where they get married, she dies, and one of them starts hooking up with clones. That's entirely understandable. Teenagers love clinging to the idea that they can forge a magical future where they have the love of Russian gymnast and the wealth of Bill Gates. But sometimes there are forces they can't escape and I'm not just talking about the high failure rate of nearly every goal that every teenager ever makes. There are still real emotions between these two. Those emotions draw them together, even when they make clear that they are very different now as a result of being in the future. And that's what makes it so meaningful.

Despite being so different, O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean are still drawn together. There's something fitting and sincere about that. And it's not just because teenage emotions make about as much sense as a quantum physics lecture in Swahili. These two characters have such a long history and that history still feels relevant despite all these changes. The one constant, however, is that O5 Beast still ends up cock-blocking them. They probably would've jumped each others' bone if they hadn't. They're teenagers. It's always a distinct possibility. Even though they don't get a chance, it's still a powerful moment that should require another change in panties.

The same could be said for every Kree living on Hala right now, albeit for an entirely different reason. While O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean are trying find some time to swap spit, amongst other bodily fluids, the Black Vortex is tearing Hala a new asshole thanks to Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel. The destruction here is epic. It's the kind of destruction that would make Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich so horny. But it's not really adding anything new to the mix. We already knew from the second that Ronan tried to take the Black Vortex that Beast, Gamora, and O5 Angel would fuck his world up. This is just confirming what we already suspected. While confirmation is nice, it's not portrayed as an epic struggle on part with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But it does get the point across. If only someone challenged Ronan to a dance-off like in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Maybe Hala could've been spared. We may never know.

Even with all the destruction and the raging teenage hormones, there's still a conflict here. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy can't just sit on their asses and hope Tony Stark doesn't try to solve this problem with a big fucking gun. Now that the Starjammers are in the picture, they try to formulate a plan. It's not necessarily an ambitious plan that would make for a good Ocean's 11 movie. They understand they're overmatched against the Slaughter Lords. They also understand that Mr. Knife is going to keep fucking up their day so long as he thinks they'll keep him from the Black Vortex. So if they're to have any shot at getting out of this with their asses intact, they need help from their cosmic-powered friends.

That's a lot like hiring the Hells Angels to police a church bake sale, but I guess overkill is necessary when dealing with Starlord's asshole father. O5 Cyclops even offers to contribute by heading back to Spartax's moon to distract the Slaughter Lords so they can get away. He may just be trying to make O5 Jean hornier, but that doesn't make it any less tactically sound. In addition, they also have to help some of the fine folk on Spartax that their former king fucked over. So this is quickly becoming one of those crossovers where the extra manpower is a necessity and not just a novelty.

But getting away from the Slaughter Lords and Mr. Knife is actually the easy part. They also find out that in order to carry out the next part of their plan, they'll have to go to Hala while it's in the process of being burnt to a crisp like a rain forest in an oil field owned by Koch Industries. So that means they'll have to deal with both the effects Black Vortex and a pissed off Kree Empire in order to get help from their cosmic powered friends. They might as well chop off a limb, get drunk on tequila, and blindfold themselves in the process. It couldn't possibly make the situation any more fucked.

This is where the pacing of the story stalls somewhat, but for good reason. The X-men and the Guardians of the Galaxy actually have to take more than five minutes to assess the situation they're stuck in. That actually helps provide some logic to their plan. That shouldn't be such a novel concept. It really shouldn't. But all too often, it's one of those details that is so convenient to forget. It keeps the story cohesive, even though it moves things forward slower. And for those who like to read comics stoned, that's can be an issue.

The pacing picks up again when the teams split up to carry out their respective missions. I imagine they're all bracing themselves and will likely keep their assholes clenched until its over. And the first part of that mission involves O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot heading to Spartax's moon to distract the Slaughter Lords. That's right. They send two teenagers and a talking tree to distract the Slaughter Lords. Tweak that a bit and it's the perfect premise for the next Disney movie. Although this fight unfolds in a way that's not exactly G-rated.

Naturally, the Slaughter Lords ambush them and kick their asses. Again, it's not an overly epic battle. It's not intended to be either. Their job was to just distract the Slaughter Lords so the others could get away. In that respect, they succeeded. They still got their asses kicked, but they succeeded. I don't claim to be a tactical genius in anything that doesn't involve getting kick-ass weed at a discount, but it still works. And I guess Cyclops or Iceman haters can jerk off to this. However, I find it hard to imagine anyone could ever hate Groot. Seriously, if someone hates Groot, they're in need of therapy.

It doesn't end well for O5 Cyclops, O5 Iceman, and Groot. They get roughed up and dragged away, but they're still alive. That's because Mr. Knife wants them alive. He must not watch the Walking Dead that much because he seems to be working under the assumption that keeping enemies alive means they can't screw him over. And now he's just roughed up O5 Cyclops, who spent a good deal of time learning to be a badass space pirate. And since he nearly got to bang a hot alien girl, I'd say he's pretty damn good at it. Screwing over Mr. Knife isn't going to be enough to stop the Black Vortex, but it would be a good start.

In the end, this issue added a new dimension to a story that already had plenty to begin with. The underlying crisis still revolves around the Black Vortex and all the horrible shit the Gamora, O5 Angels, Hank McCoys of the universe could do with it. But now there are also some more emotional stakes that have little to do with saving the Kree's undeserving asses. And those emotional stakes are what makes this issue a solid contribution to the story.

O5 Cyclops' return to the X-men was not glossed over, rushed, or forced. The lingering issues surrounding his departure were not ignored and that counts for a lot in an era where too many comics are eager to skip over the details to get to the parts where the X-men battle killer robots. Even porn tries to offer some segway. This issue offered plenty of that (segway not porn) by adding some emotional undertones for O5 Cyclops, O5 Jean, and the team as a whole. But overall, it didn't really move the plot forward that much. That's not entirely a bad thing.

For a story on this scale, there is a little leeway. But there was also room to do a lot more. Aside from the emotional undertones, there wasn't much else to push the story forward. They came up with a plan, that plan got fucked up, and that's about it. Still counts as progress though, which is more than anyone can say for the past decade of Spider-Man comics. I give All-New X-men #39 a 7 out of 10. The reunion was sweet, even though O5 Beast cock-blocked it again. The conflict with the Black Vortex is still compelling. It's just a matter of how more I want kick Hank McCoy in the balls when all is said and done. Nuff said!

A Frenemy Indeed: All-New X-men #37

The following is my review of All-New X-men #37, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

It’s no coincidence that clashing personalities create significant conflict and compelling melodrama. That’s a big reason why this concept has been the basis of nearly every successful sitcom in history. The personalities involved don’t even have to be polar opposites either. Narratives like the Odd Couple and Two-and-a-Half Men are the exceptions rather than the norm. The more serious and compelling clashes often come from characters that consider each other friends, but would never want to be stuck on a desert island together.

In X-men, it used to be that Cyclops and Wolverine were the mutant version of the Odd Couple. One was a clean-cut Boy Scout who played by the rules, led by example, and exercised restraint. The other was an unshaven loner who cussed like a sailor, thumbed his nose at authority, and didn’t hesitate to lust after married women. In another universe, they could’ve made the ultimate buddy cop movie. However, their clashing personalities eventually gave way to the clash between Jean Grey and Emma Frost.

This clash was the basis for some of the most intense drama during Grant Morrison’s run on New X-men. That drama had an impact that lasted for many years, even after Jean Grey’s death. These two weren’t complete opposites like Cyclops and Wolverine, but the intensity of their rivalry became the cosmic-powered version of nitro and glycerin. Now a time-displaced Jean Grey without that cosmic baggage and an Emma Frost who has since broken up with Cyclops has changed the intensity of that rivalry. In All-New X-men #37 we see that they’re still rivals, but they have something to offer one another and this time neither of them ends up dead or shattered.

The story here establishes a new dynamic between Emma Frost and Jean Grey. They’re no longer clashing about Cyclops, Wolverine, or who abused the Phoenix Force first. They are now developing a unique student/teacher relationship, although unique isn’t the first or even the tenth world that could be used to describe this dynamic. Even so, there is something of substance here that fits nicely into the overall narrative of time-displaced X-men.

Of the numerous personality traits that cause Jean Grey and Emma Frost to clash, the one that causes the second-most conflict involves restraint. Jean Grey, as a character, has often been defined by her ability to restrain her powers, emotions, and passions. And it’s not the kind of restraint that Mormons and vegans demand either. She’s had to restrain herself because she has lost control of her powers, causing a great deal of harm to friends, loved ones, and anyone around her. But there’s a thin line between restraint and repression. To put it lightly, Jean has not always effectively walked that line, as five billion innocent aliens can attest.

Emma Frost is on the other end of that spectrum. This is a woman who looks at restraint the same way Donald Trump looks at fake Rolex watches. She does not hold back in exercising her powers, her cunning, and her sexuality. It’s what helped her become the White Queen. It’s what helped make her an effective X-man. It doesn’t earn her a lot of friends, but that doesn’t bother her. She cares more about being competent than being loved. Looking sexy while doing it is just a bonus.

While a teenage Jean Grey isn’t quite ready to match Emma Frost’s sex appeal, she is in need of a lesson in competence. To do this, Emma challenges her in a way even the most sadistic high school gym teacher would never dare. She takes her to Madripoor and suppresses her telepathy. Then she has her take on Blob, who is now hooked on Mutant Growth Hormone. It’s a classic fight, an original X-man fighting an original member of the Brotherhood of Mutants. But it’s a fight that lacks the simple innocence of those classic moments.

It’s also a fight that nicely incorporates other unresolved plots from other X-men titles, creating a certain amount of synergy that adds additional weight to the story. But what gives it the most impact is the message it sends to Jean Grey. Emma Frost once again demonstrates that in addition to looking good in skin-tight outfits, she’s also a very good teacher. She put Jean in a position where she couldn’t act with as much restraint as before. She even openly questioned Jean’s assumptions about her powers, her fears, and Charles Xavier’s willingness to go behind her back. These are all important lessons to learn, especially with respect to Charles Xavier’s credibility.

This lesson exposes the insecurities in Jean Grey that she never had the chance to confront before her multiple deaths. Emma still does it in the most insensitive way possible. But like a kid that only got participation trophies growing up, it’s an important lesson to learn. She gets Jean Grey to understand that her fears and reservations are holding her back. And the fact she ended up dead twice reveals she’s not very good at it anyways. To become the better Jean Grey that she seeks to be, she has to cast aside these fears and insecurities. And if she can look just as good as Emma in a skin-tight outfit, then that’s just another bonus.

What makes the lesson and the story in All-New X-men #37 so compelling is that it doesn’t attempt to open old wounds. It doesn’t gloss over the lingering animosity between Emma Frost and Jean Grey either. These two characters are still very different in so many ways and they still clash. However, they can still complement each other in a way that makes for solid character development. If Chuck Lorre were casting another sitcom, these are the kinds of characters he would use.

As meaningful as Emma’s lesson for Jean is, it still feels incomplete. It still feels like there are many more lessons for Emma to teach Jean. The fact neither of them brought up Cyclops seems like an oversight. However, it didn’t make the impact of the story less meaningful. Jean Grey and Emma Frost may never be bffs, but they can still learn from each other so long as those lessons don’t involve marital counseling.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue #116: Weapon Plus Part 4 is LIVE!

The stage is set for another monumental battle in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Fantomex, the latest product of Weapon X, has tricked the X-men with his cunning to aid his mission. He now finds himself on Genosha at a time when Genosha is a critical ally for the X-men and the world as a whole. In his desire to become the ultimate living weapon, he intends to use Genosha's Warlock technology to create the World. Its creation will effectively end any hopes of peace between humans and mutants. It could also effectively end Sage's doomed research into techno-orgnaic material in the worst possible way.

There have been a great many X-men stories where many different conflicts converge. The Weapon Plus arc involves many characters and sub-plots, some of which have been unfolding since the Civilization No Longer Lost arc. There's General Grimshaw, Captain Freeman, and President Kelly. There's Colonel Wraith, Reverend William Stryker, and Graydon Creed. There's Sage, Bishop, Jubilee, and the mutants of District X. Even X-23, a character who went out of her way to distance herself from Wolverine and the X-men, is now involved. These are all major players in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. The conflict with Fantomex has touched them all, but its effects will go beyond Weapon X.

When certain stories converge in X-men, it's not always smooth. Some characters get caught in the crossfire who had no desire to be part of this conflict. This has happened a number of times throughout this fanfiction series. Events like the Cambrian Explosion affect characters who had no knowledge of the conflict. In this arc, Genosha and the Brotherhood of Mutants were never involved with Weapon Plus at any point. For once, Wanda Maximoff and the Brotherhood of Mutants did their part. They went along with the X-men and with General Grimshaw in crafting the fragile peace that emerged from Magneto's disappearance after Time Bomb. And because of the X-men and Fantomex's cunning, they stand to lose a great deal.

It's part of the chaos that comes along with the conflict between humans and mutants. The X-men do their best to manage that chaos, but sometimes it's unavoidable. And often times, there's a low margin for error. Throughout X-men Supreme, the Brotherhood of Mutants have failed to do the right thing when given a chance. This time, they actually are the victims in Fantomex's conflict. And because of that, the effect will go beyond the damage. They're now part of this conflict with the X-men. And they'll be part of the aftermath, however it turns out. That conflict finally ends today in the final issue of the Weapon Plus arc. It's an arc that will spark the next round of changes in this fanfiction series.

X-men Supreme Issue 116: Weapon Plus Part 4

As the chaos unfolds in X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths, the X-men inch closer to the final conflict that will reshape their world. In every volume of this fanfiction series, there is a moment that shakes the foundation of the X-men and the world they fight to protect. Parts of that moment have been building for quite some time now. Some of those moments began as far back as X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. The conflict with Fantomex will get them closer, but it's just another step in the process. As always, it's very important that I know I'm taking the necessary steps towards making this chaos awesome. Fantomex was a difficult character to write because he's somewhat underdeveloped in the comics. I wanted to make him special here in X-men Supreme. And the only way I know I succeeded is if people take the time to review my work. Either post it directly in the issue or contact me directly. I want to make X-men Supreme as awesome as possible, especially if this ends up being the final volume. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Star Wars #3

There are some winning formulas that just work under any circumstances. There’s peanut butter and jelly, beer and buffalo wings, or pussy and weed. It’s simple and it can be crude, but why the fuck does it matter? It still works. Star Wars was revolutionary for its time, but it still followed a winning formula. That formula just got more awesome when aliens, Death Stars, and sexy women in metal bikinis were added to the mix. It doesn’t need to be radically altered. It just needs to stick with what works.

That’s exactly what Marvel’s new Star Wars series has done. It doesn’t try to make senate hearings more interesting. It doesn’t try to create goofy characters that are annoying as fuck. It just puts Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie in another clash with the Empire. And it fucking works. It picks up where Episode IV left off and maintains a raging space boner every step of the way. It’s led to light saber battles, an AT-AT hijacking, and prisoner rescues. At this point, my erection can only get so hard. If I have to call a doctor after Star Wars #3, I’m okay with that. A winning formula is just that worth it.

The potency of that formula is beautifully demonstrated, like using napalm to cook a plate of bacon. Han and Leia have jacked an AT-AT to lay waste to an Imperial base. Luke jacked a land speeder so he could ride around and use Storm Troopers as target practice. And at some point, they found time to free a bunch of imperial slave prisoners. Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is there to make sure it’s not too easy for them. This situation basically has everything. There’s auto theft, liberating slaves, and a pissed off Darth Vader. Seriously, there couldn’t be more going on without Leia giving Jabba the Hut a lap dance.

As fun as it is to fuck up an Imperial base, Hank and Leia understand they need to get the fuck off the planet. Like a house party that’s about to get raided by the cops, they have to be content with the damage they’ve already done. The problem is that they left C3PO in charge of protecting the Millennium Falcon. That’s like having a sick puppy guard a bunch of sleeping chickens against a pack of hungry wolves. C3PO has a lot of charming qualities. Fighting a bunch of scavengers trying to rip the Millennium Falcon apart ain’t one of them.

Lucky for him, fighting is one of Chewbacca’s greatest strengths in addition to making furry enthusiasts really horny. Despite being on the wrong end of one of Darth Vader’s attacks earlier, he survived and roughed up the scavengers before C3PO could further reinforce his reputation as a robot pussy. It’s very satisfying. Chewbacca is like Groot with a blaster and he’s more huggable. Now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, I imagine that counts for a lot.

That’s one problem solved, but Han and Leia still have plenty others that are more pressing. An AT-AT might be a badass Imperial weapon, but it’s a big fucking target and the Imperial have a lot of guns. Plus, they’re in the middle of a fucking weapons factory. Like trying to rob a gun store, they’re playing with a stacked deck. Luke is learning that the hard way too, but he’s in something that’s way more maneuverable than an AT-AT. The problem is he’s also in a fucking weapon’s factory. That means the Storm Troopers have land speeders too. The only advantage he has going for him is that Storm Troopers crash in weapons factories as easily as they do on Endor.

The action is intense and well-paced. The tension of the situation is beautifully vivid. It’s not the same climactic battle scene against the Death Star, but it isn’t intended to be. This is about the Rebels trying to kick the Empire when it’s down. So far, they’re doing a hell of a job and looking pretty damn awesome while doing it. This is the kind of epic space battles that made Star Wars awesome and George Lucas filthy fucking rich. Whether it’s 1977 or 2015, it’s awesome.

Han and Leia might have some big guns on their side with an AT-AT. But big guns don’t mean jack shit when the other side has Darth fucking Vader. He’s still pissed about the Rebels and in dire need of avenging the destruction of the Death Star. Since the Imperials are taking too long with their fancy weapons, Darth Vader decides to do it himself. They’ve got an AT-AT. He’s got a light sabre and the Force. Sounds like a fair fight.

And Darth Vader usually wins those fair fights in ways that don’t seem fair. He already found out that the Imperials were useful for something in that they stopped the meltdown of the factory’s core. That means the Rebels’ attack will amount to no more than a few puke stains on a frat house wall, which is way better than burning the whole fucking house down. He tells Chewy that they’re in deep shit and they need the Millennium Falcon. They’ll probably need more than that because Vader is able to clip one of the legs of the AT-AT, proving once again that the Imperials have a strange fetish for building weaknesses into their badass weapons.

It makes for another obscenely badass moment for Darth Vader. An entire army of Storm Troopers armed with tanks and cannons couldn’t bring down an AT-AT. But Darth Vader, armed only with a light sabre and a complete disregard for Imperial property, is able to take it down. This is not the same Anakin Skywalker that was utterly pussified in the prequels. This isn’t even the same Darth Vader that tried to get his son to join him. This is just a badass Sith Lord looking to fuck up his enemies as only a badass Sith Lord can do. He couldn’t have re-established his badassery any better without choking a Gungan.

The destruction of the AT-AT puts Han, Leia, and the slaves they freed at a huge disadvantage. They’re all forced to dust themselves off, get out of the wrecked vehicle, and outrun a pissed off Darth Vader with an army of Storm Troopers at his back. It’s a day that couldn’t be made worse without a visit from the IRS. Darth Vader even makes clear that there will be no prisoners this time. They’re overstocked on body bags and they’re looking to fill them with Rebels.

Luke manages to finally catch up before Darth Vader gets there. He’s able to give Han and Leia some room to escape while he takes one last shot at condemning the Imperial’s little frat house. Leia is against it, but Luke doesn’t listen. I guess he hasn’t been with Disney long enough to respect a princess’ authority. So he decides to go after the core. The problem is Darth Vader senses this and decides to go after him as well. It’s still not as bad as being chased by the IRS, but it’s right up there.

Another epic chase follows, carrying many of the same elements as the epic Death Star run. Darth Vader is chasing Luke, who is on his own to deliver the killing blow. Vader tries to shoot him down while he tries to stay on course. It might not be on the same scale, but fuck if it doesn’t exude the same awesome. There’s plenty of shooting, plenty of destruction, and plenty of Imperial assholes getting caught in the crossfire. So it has something for everyone to enjoy.

Even with Darth Vader jacking a ship and trying to shoot him down, Luke manages to get to the core and take it out with the land speeder. He doesn’t need to use the Force this time. He just needs to have a reckless disregard for Imperial property. That in and of itself doesn’t make it a great feat. What makes this feat truly meaningful is that he leaves the exploding facility feeling saddened, thinking he isn’t the Jedi his father was. Keep in mind, he still doesn’t know his father was a badass Jedi who ended up becoming a Sith Lord. As far as he’s concerned, he just pissed away an opportunity to honor his memory. That shit means something. It’s like pissing away an opportunity to make out with a hot cheerleader at a party. It’s something a lot of men end up regretting.

While blowing up the factory officially made the mission a success, they still need to get their asses off the planet and out of Imperial territory. And they have to do it in a Millennium Falcon that C3PO let a bunch of scavengers fuck up. Luke manages to meet up with Han, Leia, and the prisoners on the ship. They then take off just in time to confront a fleet of Star Destroyers. Since they don’t have any other weapons to hijack, they decide to make a run for it. They’re content with the damage they’ve done for one day and make the jump to light speed. Leia even manages to bust Han’s balls a bit because that shit hasn’t gotten old yet.

So the Rebels escape, but Darth Vader survives once again. In fact, he barely has a scratch. Compared to blowing up the Death Star, blowing a factory counts only as a minor rectal itch. But beyond the destruction, Darth Vader comes to an important conclusion that will later play out in the Empire Strikes Back. He figures out that Luke is the last hope for the rebellion and Obi Wan was trying to protect him. It’s an important realization and one that will eventually cost him and Luke a hand. It also helps give even more meaning to a conflict that has had so much.

So Han, Luke, Leia, and the rebels win the day. They freed a bunch of Imperial slaves, blew up one of their factories, and survived an encounter with Darth Vader. By rebel standards, it’s the equivalent of winning a football game and then having a three-way with a couple of cheerleaders afterwards. It’s still bittersweet for Luke, who is a long ways away from being the last hope of the rebellion. But he’s still a rookie. Even Peyton Manning sucked as a rookie.

But his whining isn’t just typical self-pity. While this battle is over, another conflict is already unfolding back on Luke’s home planet. And it involves the now-abandoned house of Obi-Wan Kanobi. Not much is revealed, but after the epic struggle that just transpired I’m not sure my heart or my penis could take anymore. It sets up some interesting possibilities. I’ll need to catch my breath for them, but I think it’s safe to say this was a good day for a galaxy that needed it.

Let me just say this because it needs to be said. To all the bitter Star Wars fans who still can’t get over the fact they actually paid to see Attack of the Clones that didn’t like this story on principle...fuck off. I get that the Star Wars brand took a Jar Jar sized shit as a result of the prequels. I really do. But that didn’t destroy the brand entirely. More than anything else, this issue re-established everything that makes Star Wars awesome. In addition, it added something meaningful to the mythos by exploring this underdeveloped period in the saga. And it turned out to be very meaningful.

Han and Leia are still a long ways from bumping uglies, but that spark of chemistry still showed. Luke is still a long ways away from being the Jedi that beat Darth Vader, despite losing a hand. But he showed that he’s still on that righteous path. And Darth Vader shows that he can still kick ass on a galactic scale. It doesn’t matter if someone saw the first movie 10 times back in the 1970s or just bought the whole set on Blu-Ray. This issue gives everyone a reason to squee like Ron Swanson at a bacon-eating contest. It’s the rebels battling the Empire while C-3PO acts like a pussy. It’s Luke Skywalker fighting Darth Vader on his path to becoming a Jedi. Star Wars fans, this is as good as it gets without Leia in a chain bikini. Embrace it. I give Star Wars #3 a 10 out of 10 and my highest recommendation. The Force truly is strong with this one. It brings tears to my eyes and various other fluids from my dick, but in the best possible way. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All-New X-men #37

Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes on an X-men message board while sober will quickly stumble into an angry debate amongst a certain segment of fans. I'm talking about a segments of fans that made Twilight so annoying. I'm talking Team Jean and Team Emma, a divide that might as well be the X-men equivalent of Red Sox versus Yankees. I know the intensity of this rivalry because I participated in it on more than one occasion. I'm not proud of it because it took way too fucking long for me to realize that trying to win an argument on a message board is like pissing into the wind while standing in a pile of donkey shit. There's just no way anyone can come out smelling good.

But All-New X-men has offered something intriguing and I'm not just talking about the potential for awesome lesbian porn. This series changes the nature of their rivalry. O5 Jean doesn't have the same baggage as her adult counterpart. It helps that she hasn't had to go through the inconvenience of dying yet. And Emma Frost is no longer romantically involved with Jean Grey. A while back, they seemed to patch things up in a way that made my penis very happy. Then the O5 X-men had to get stuck in the shit storm that is Ultimate Marvel for a while. Now they're back and we can see if this rivalry will continue to change. Either they'll go back to hating each other or they'll start sharing tampons. It could go either way. That's what All-New X-men #37 is supposed to reveal. My penis is anxious, but prepared.

The same can't be said for O5 Jean. She's in no way prepared for training at the hands of Emma Frost, which is kind of the point I guess. Emma doesn't ease her into it either or even offer some lube. She just plunges her into the wretched hole that is Madripoor. Anal sex jokes aside, it's the one place in the Marvel universe where no telepath, teenage girl, or Mormon wants to be. Naturally, Emma has Magik teleport them there and insist that this be a strictly private session between her and O5 Jean. Magik is only too happy to oblige. My penis would insist that I stick around to watch, but in a place like Madripoor I'd be inclined not to listen. I want to say I feel bad for O5 Jean Grey, but she gets to learn from Emma Frost in the toughest possible way. If she doesn't learn anything else in the future other than how much gas prices suck, then she needs to learn how to be both tough and sexy. And who better to teach her than Emma Frost?

That said, Emma Frost doesn't grade on a curve. She doesn't hide Madripoor's shithole reputation from her. She takes her right through the nasty parts where fights break out, most likely over a cock fight that went bad or hidden hotel fees charged at a whore house. She then explains that Madripoor is supposed to be the new mutant utopia where mutants could come and leave in peace while exercising the utmost decadence. It's like Las Vegas if Las Vegas was run by Hugh Hefner.

This is actually part of another ongoing story that is still unfolding. Madripoor was once Hyrda's territory. But in a previous arc in Uncanny X-men, it was revealed that Mystique bought it from them with the intention to turn it into a mutant haven. Magneto didn't approve, but that didn't stop Mystique's vision from becoming a reality. That and she abducted Dazzler and used her to make MGH, but that's just the fine print. I'm sure pretty blondes get fucked up in places like Madripoor at least twice a week. What makes this work is that it nicely incorporates events from Uncanny into this story. It's the kind of convergence that shows some actual effort being put into creating a coherent narrative. I know. What a concept, right?

It's a concept that gives O5 Jean and Emma Frost an actual mission because this is the kind of mutant utopia that can only end up totally fucked the first time an angry mutant gets ripped off by a hooker. So in addition to training O5 Jean Grey, Emma intends to investigate and fuck up Mystique's utopian vision as only she can. And she's going to do it while teaching O5 Jean Grey. That, my friends, is why Emma Frost is as competent as she is sexy.

She also has exceedingly high standards, as the cost of her lingerie probably bears out. In teaching O5 Jean, she does the equivalent of making her practice with lead weights strapped to her ankles. She does this by shutting off her telepathic powers. She even finds a way to be coy about it. My penis and I couldn't stop laughing, amongst other things. Now how did she do this with broken powers? She claims they're slowly coming back. And yes, that is a rather gross oversight in the sense that this whole issue of broken powers has not been resolved. And yes, it is somewhat forced for the sake of making the conflict harder for O5 Jean. But does it make this moment less awesome? Fuck no.

What Emma Frost teaches O5 Jean by doing this is actually really relevant. Since her telepathic powers kicked in, she's been using them the same way old school Nintendo fans once used Game Genie. It's helped her cheat her way through certain conflicts, even fucking with the minds of her own friends in the process. Emma Frost sees this as a problem and for once she's entirely reasonable about it. By shutting it off, she says it'll help her be the best possible version of herself. Again, it sounds way more reasonable than Emma Frost usually sounds, but that only makes it more meaningful.

But she's still Emma Frost. She's still going to push peoples' buttons and look damn sexy doing it. This is no exception. She blatantly hints that Professor Xavier suppressed her telepathic powers. It wouldn't be the first time he's pulled off a few dick moves with his powers and influence over the X-men. O5 Jean doesn't appreciate this, but Emma just laughs it off. It's actually a pretty relevant observation and helps explain how O5 Jean was able to use her telepathy so soon after arriving in the future. It's another moment that proves convergence can be a beautiful thing, especially when Emma Frost is the one steering the ship. Who else could teach so masterfully and look so good in a thong?

Emma continues to list every one of O5 Jean Grey's deficiencies as a psychic and a telekinetic, probably doing so in the same tone my old algebra teacher used when grading my mid-terms. She makes clear that to hone these skills, she can't rely on the Danger Room or on mind-fucking her friends. She needs some real-world experience and Madripoor will give her that experience and possibly a few rare diseases if she's not careful.

That experience involves her taking on Blob, an enemy O5 Jean has faced numerous times before in the past. But this Blob is different and not because he's on the Atkins diet or anything. As part of the earlier Madripoor story with Mystique, it was revealed that Blob got his powers back after M-Day by getting himself addicted to MGH. So not only does O5 Jean Grey have to fight Blob. She has to fight Blob when he's on crack. In terms of training, even Rocky Balboa would find this shit excessive.

Since bar fights in Madripoor probably break out over watered down whiskey, Blob doesn't waste time welcoming O5 Jean to this new mutant haven. Emma Frost still helps guide O5 Jean telepathically, instructing her to disable all the armed men around Blob that probably double as taste testers to make sure nobody gave him light beer or anything. She's able to do that just fine, as anyone who took on Magneto probably should. But a crack-head Blob presents a much bigger challenge. He decides to fuck her up, wreck the bar, and probably work up a hell of an appetite in the process. It's Blob being as menacing as he's always been. The only difference this time is that he's addicted to MGH instead of Krispy Kreme donuts. One could argue that MGH is healthier.

A well-developed, nicely detailed fight unfolds while Emma is watching from a far. She's probably pleasuring herself in the process because where else is she going to see O5 Jean Grey get roughed up by an oversized drug addicted Blob? O5 Jean tries to fight back, armed only with her telekinesis. It might not sound like an epic battle on paper, O5 Jean versus Blob. But fuck if it doesn't feel epic. It won't make everyone as horny as it makes Emma Frost, but it gets the point across.

Blob makes that point abundantly clear. O5 Jean, as much as she's grown since she came to the future, is still a work-in-progress. Take away her telepathy and even Blob can fuck her up. But what makes this fight more meaningful than a typical Madripoor bar fight is that O5 Jean tries to reason with him. She mentions how the X-men once tried to recruit Blob and that he's basically selling mutants out for money and drugs. Apparently, she's never dealt with a crack head or seen Miami Vice.

And even Blob makes some good points, pointing out how good the X-men have it. Despite being the world's fattest crack head, he's right to point out the flaws in O5 Jean's words. These are flaws that the X-men deal with time and again as they learn that they didn't know jack shit when they were teenagers. There's a classic sense of conflicting philosophies here. It doesn't matter if one of those philosophies is fueled by drugs and money. That's how medical miracles like Vicodin and Queludes were invented. It challenges both O5 Jean's powers and her understanding of Charles Xavier's dream.

It's an argument neither one of them is equipped to win. The only way this battle is going to end is if one of them gets their ass kicked or a free buffet opens nearby for Blob. Since Madripoor doesn't have a Golden Corral, O5 Jean ends up ending the battle. She finally gets her shit together well enough to take Blob down. He even dares her to be harsher than usual. And since Emma Frost is the one guiding her, she calls his bluff. It's not exactly the kind of shit she wouldn't do if Emma weren't training her, but it still feels like an edgier approach that she probably would've avoided if she were still a teenager that hadn't had all hope beaten out of her yet. It's not the most spectacular way the battle could've ended, but it works.

Emma eventually catches up to her to complete the lesson. She turns O5 Jean's telepathy back on and offers a more comprehensive assessment. She once again calls out O5 Jean's insecurities, saying she holds back out of fear that there's a darkness inside her that'll hurt everyone she loves. While that's usually the kind of shit that helps make Dr. Phil rich, it's a bit more relevant with O5 Jean because it's accurate. Her fear is actually legitimate because she knows she does end up going Dark Phoenix in ways that fuck up whole planets and at least one X-men movie.

But what Emma does here is remarkably insightful, not to mention generous for someone who has a lot of reasons to hate Jean Grey. She basically tells her that she is no Heisenberg. She is not the danger. She is not the darkness. She can be better without holding back. She just has to stop being a whiney little bitch about it. She uses more colorful and sexier words, but that's what it boils down to. She never mentions Cyclops. She doesn't even mention the Phoenix Force by name. She sticks to the basics and it works. Granted, it feels as though she left a lot of shit out. That's to be expected given their history as frenemies. But it still felt like she addressed the most meaningful shortcomings that O5 Jean has been dealing with and she was able to do it in Madripoor. That alone should earn Emma Frost teacher of the millennium.

This is one of those stories where, instead of an epic battle for the fate of the world, the main theme is built around something focused and personal. That kind of story is hard to work because Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich have gotten everyone over the age of seven addicted to epic end-of-the-world battles involving aliens, robots, and Nicholas Cage when he was still relevant. But when it does work, it's special in a unique way. And this story captured that feeling perfectly. It took what was established between O5 Jean Grey and Emma Frost, built it up, and took it in a bold new direction. And it did so in a way that felt genuine that I could both appreciate and masturbate to.

This story was very simple. It had Emma Frost teaching O5 Jean Grey a tough lesson in a tough environment. And it was a valuable lesson that she needed to learn, one that Emma never could've taught an adult Jean Grey. It had nothing to do with Cyclops. At no point did their past rivalry become an issue. That's a problem in some respects, but a strength in others. They didn't tie themselves down with past bitterness. They moved forward and for two women who went out of their ways to torment one another, that's saying something. It made for a balanced story that could be its own mini-series. In some ways it would help because it feels like there's a lot more that can be done with Emma Frost training O5 Jean Grey. But this issue leaves it to our dirty, filthy imaginations to do the rest. And since my imagination is very bad at filling in details with Jean Grey and Emma Frost that don't end in naked mud wrestling, that's a problem.

All-New X-men #37 worked beautifully, but it felt incomplete. I know it sounds greedy, but it left me wanting more than I know I'll be able to get. That's why I give it an 8 out of 10. Emma Frost and O5 Jean Grey are like the extra sexy version of the Karate Kid. They have a lot to teach each other and a lot to learn. This story gave us a taste of just how awesome and sexy that process could be. Anyone looking for them to bust each others balls about the past will be disappointing. But for those who have since moved on from shit that hasn't been relevant since 2004, there's plenty to enjoy here.