Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #27
I don’t mind the past coming back to bite me in the ass sometimes. Hell, I don’t mind someone biting my ass sometimes. Pay a Thai hooker enough money and she’ll find a way to make biting sexy. It’s when the past comes back to hit me over the head with a baseball bat and drop a cinderblock on my nuts that I start to worry. A drunk understands on some levels that when the blackout hits, the clock starts for when hindsight and regret prepares their attack. I don’t think the O5 X-men understood that when they beat the future Brotherhood of Mutants in X-men Battle of the Atom. I don’t even think they give half a fuck about them at this point, even though they know some of them survived. It’s only when they start striking back like a nasty hangover that it gets serious. In the previous issue, X-23 got the next worse thing after a hangover when she got stabbed. But that was just a warning shot. The dry heaves, vomiting, and awkward phone calls are set to begin in All New X-men #27. If the O5 are lucky, they’ll escape it without being arrested for indecent exposure.
It looks like someone got a bit too drunk and went to public school in Texas because the past biting back begins with a quick flashback (or flash forward, I’m too drunk to figure out which) of Moira McTaggart giving birth. Now I know some women will see this as a beautiful moment and some men will see it as the moment an unseen force rips their balls out through their wallets. I’ve seen enough crazy shit come out of peoples’ bodies to be fairly indifferent to concept of a woman giving birth. I also stayed sober long enough in health class to know women can get pretty fucked up after pushing a kid through their twat, but Moira’s emotions here are even more fucked up than that. Because after she holds the baby for the first time, she recalls how Cyclops killed Charles Xavier and decides on the spot she doesn’t want the kid anymore. Seriously, it took her nine months to come to that decision? I know hormones make people do crazy shit, especially teenagers and women who just gave birth, but even this is pushing it.
Well hormones alone couldn’t make this situation more fucked up than it already is, so why not throw something even more potent into the mix? How about Mystique? That’s right, the woman that Rebecca Romejan Stamos and Jennifer Lawrence made unbelievably sexy throws in a twist that should confuse everyone, including my penis. Apparently, she’s the one that just pumped out this kid while disguised as Moira. She even gets emotional in a way that can’t be attributed to hormones. For someone who has been an unapologetic sociopath since the “Get Mystique” arc, this is more than a little confusing. Then again, Mystique has never come off as entirely rational either.
However, this leaves a few significant and disturbing questions. So if Mystique gave birth to Xavier Jr., then why the fuck did he say he’s Xavier’s grandson in X-men Battle of the Atom. If Xavier was the one that knocked up Mystique and threw himself at the Phoenix before he had to pay child support, then wouldn’t that make him his son? Or could it be that Mystique decided to fuck Xavier over even more and bang Legion on top of his grave? He’s still alive last I checked and in a mentally unstable enough state to bang Mystique. But beyond the disturbing questions, why the fuck would Mystique even let herself get knocked up again? Didn’t the shit with Nightcrawler and Graydon Creed turn her off child-rearing enough? Seriously, I don’t get why she doesn’t just get her tubes tied or adopt a strict “No Glove, No Love” rule with the guys she sleeps with.
Believe it or not, that’s not the only disturbing question that needs to be answered. Back in the present, the future Brotherhood of Mutants are poised to attack the New Xavier School, as shown at the end of the previous issue. There’s just one problem. Some of them should be fucking dead. Future Deadpool and Xorna is with them and they died a pretty spectacular death in X-men: Battle of the Atom. I get that death in comics is less permanent than a marriage to Larry King, but this has me scratching my head and needing another bong hit. Because if these assholes are back to life just like that, then that kind of makes all the crazy battles they fought in X-men: Battle of the Atom seem more half-assed. These assholes survived and now they want another shot.
And this time, they’re working smarter rather than harder. The one that was supposed to warn them about the pending attack, a very wounded X-23, turned out to be a very effective “fuck you for getting lucky last time” from the future Brotherhood. That wounded X-23 turned out to be Raze, who quickly takes advantage of everyone’s concern for X-23 by stabbing Triag, the X-men’s healer. That means if the X-men get wounded this time, there won’t be a healer to give them that special Jesus touch to get them back in the fight. It’s a dick move, but fuck if it isn’t a smart move.
With the healer down, the future Brotherhood takes it a step further. They cut the power, thereby cutting off any communications or anyone’s ability to watch porn. It’s yet another dick move, but one that’s still pretty damn smart. They then go for the telepaths, namely the Stepford Cuckoos. Because they learned the hard way last time that too many psychics causes too many migraines, the future Brotherhood learns from their mistakes. They even throw in another special “fuck you” by using Mindee to fuck over her sisters. That sentence would be so much easier to jerk off to in another context, but it’s another smart move.
I don’t want to admire these assholes too much, but it’s worth pointing out that they seem to be learning from their previous mistakes. How many villains or teenagers can say they’ve done that? Hell, learning from mistakes might as well be a mutant power in this context. But they’re not all completely competent. Cyclops does show up and ensures they’re smart moves come with a little pain by hitting them with an overpowered optic blast. It makes the battle feel only slightly less uneven, but it still means they’re on the ropes.
Flash forward to the future (or the past, again I’m too drunk to figure out which) and we get a little more insight into the life of Charles Xavier Jr. After Mystique ditched him, he somehow found a home. He seems to be an ordinary teenager who just happens to be bald and who just happens to be named Charles by his adopted mother. I don’t know if that’s a coincidence or if the idea of calling him Herbert was too jarring, but he very clearly has his grandfather’s (or father’s if his birth was as fucked up as it seems) talent. And the day it manifests, it hits him like 1,000 hangovers and he accidentally kills his adopted mother. It fucks him up at first, but we already know he gets over it in the worst possible way. Maybe he should’ve found a better therapist.
While this doesn’t answer any questions about his heritage or his birth, it does offer a first glimpse into how Charles Xavier Jr. became such an asshole. The guy was birthed by Mystique and killed his adopted mother when his powers first manifested. That’s a pretty effective means of fucking someone up and sending them down the path of the dark side. Maybe Darth Vadar should’ve tried to knock up Mystique to get Luke on his side. Marvel is getting the Star Wars comic rights soon. I’m sure that story has been planned by someone.
Back in the present/past/future/whatever this is in the timeline, the students of the New Xavier School are stuck battling Raze without a healer. It seems like an unfair fight. Raze is the bastard son of Mystique and Wolverine. He should be able to take on a bunch of mutant teenagers, a Kitty Pryde whose love life has gone to Hell, and some time-displaced X-men. Actually, when I say it like that, it sounds like Raze is the one at the disadvantage. He’s fighting a bunch of mutant teenagers and a pissed off Kitty Pryde. Maybe he should stick to ninjas and killer robots.
It’s not a fair fight again. O5 Iceman helps take him down. Raze tries shifting into other forms, including O5 Cyclops, as if they’re not going to be too pissed at him for ditching the team. So it really is a relief when O5 Beast punches him out. Not only that, Triag managed to heal himself from Raze’s seemingly deadly wound. So while it was a smart move on paper, Raze seriously underestimated the shit he was up against. He should know that subduing teenagers is harder than convincing the Duggers to use birth control. But they still have psychic powers on their side so there’s that. If only someone could use that kind of power on the Duggers so they can stop making shitty reality shows.
Flash back/forward/whenever the fuck it is again. More insight is offered into the life of Xavier Jr. and the future Brotherhood. Having just accidentally killed his foster mother, Xavier Jr. seems well on the path to the dark side. So he seeks out someone who didn’t need an accident to walk that path in Raze. Apparently, he has been impersonating his mother, who is sort of a big fucking deal in Madripoor. Even Oedipus would find that pretty fucking disturbing. But that seems to work just fine with Xavier Jr. He meets Raze, reveals that he’s his sort-of brother, and finds out that Raze killed Mystique. Guess this means she gave up the wrong kid, but that’s beside the point.
The point to this scene is still unclear. At the very least, it establishes the beginning of the future Brotherhood of Mutants. But it still fails to answer how Xavier Jr. decided that he was going to be the kind of asshole that mind-fucks people when he can’t get a boner from German porn anymore. Whatever his reason, he’s an asshole now and that basically ensures that he’ll get along just fine with Raze. While Mystique’s kids may be pretty fucked up, they can form some pretty strong sibling bonds. Except for Graydon Creed. He’s too fucked up for any family.
Back in the present (I give up trying to figure out what to call it), Cyclops is trying to throw the future Brotherhood off their trail. He’s got Emma Frost and O5 Jean Grey with him, which is probably how most of his wet dreams unfold. Emma Frost is instructing O5 Jean to keep her psychic shielding up so that they don’t find them. It’s challenging since she just got a power upgrade and still doesn’t understand how the fuck it works. It seems to be doing just fine for a while. And like everyone else, they’re wondering how the hell some of these assholes are still alive. But before she can figure it out, O5 Jean’s shields fail. So Emma Frost does the most logical thing she can think of. She punches O5 Jean out. I said it’s the most logical thing she can think of, not the most logical thing. I’m sure that’s the best feeling she’s ever had with her panties on and I’m not sure what the point is. But after so many flashbacks/flash-forwards, I’ve stopped giving a shit.
But even being unconscious, O5 Jean’s mind is vulnerable and Xavier Jr. gladly exploits it. Now he has the Cuckoos on his side and Xorna, who may or may not be at full power after she blew herself up in X-men: Battle of the Atom. It still qualifies as overkill, but since O5 Jean recently took down Gladiator, I’m still going to call it a fair fight. She’s still confused, asking Xavier Jr. why he’s doing this. He probably only needs to say Mystique is his mother and Raze is his brother and that would probably be a sufficient answer. With so many plot holes and blanks, this is probably the best explanation anyone can hope for. I’m not saying it’s a good one. If it were a tactic to get out of a traffic ticket, it would probably only work only a third of the time. But like warm beer after a shitty day, I’ll take what I can get.
So the O5 X-men versus the future Brotherhood, Round 3 (or 7, I stopped keeping track after my third bong hit), was a lopsided affair. The future Brotherhood outsmarted the X-men on pretty much every front, which makes me wonder how the fuck they got their asses kicked so badly in X-men Battle of the Atom. Then again, they’re more pissed off and more experienced. Plus, they learn from their mistakes, which is way more than most Congressmen and traffic cops can say. The battle may have been nicely detailed, but there are still some pretty significant blanks...again. That was the problem with X-men Battle of the Atom and that’s the problem here. There’s still way too much WTF involving Mystique crapping out Xavier’s grandson, Deadpool and Xorna being alive again, and the sheer timing of their attack. Anyone hoping that Round 2 would answer some burning questions left by Battle of the Atom is going to be disappointed, but that’s nothing a shot of tequila and a Valium won’t fix. Get high enough, and it’ll just be another entertaining battle with some entertaining possibilities. All New X-men #27 gets a 6 out of 10. I still have so many burning questions. I’m sure anyone that ever boned Courtney Love or Paris Hilton say the same thing, albeit for different reasons. It’s not that I’m impatient about having them answered. It’s just at at some point, I stop giving a shit and I would rather not have that happen here. Nuff said!