I try not to predict the future. I have a hard time predicting which county I’ll end up in after a night of heavy drinking, let alone how a major comic book event will turn out. I once thought that meant I was only qualified to be an economist or a weatherman. Those are two jobs where someone can be wrong most of the time and still keep their job. People understand that nobody can predict the weather or the economy. Anyone who claims they can is either lying or a shitty time traveler. While I consider myself only half as deranged as Jim Cramer, this doesn’t stop me from making predictions every now and then.
I’ve done my share of speculating on this blog. More often than not, I end
up being wrong most of the time. If my comic book predictions were a football
team, I would be the Cleveland Browns. But I still try connecting the dots of
the books I review, even when I do so while stoned most of the time. At least
that makes the dots really bright and shiny. I thought I made a few valid
connections with respect to Charles Xavier’s big secret in the Uncanny X-men:
Original Sin tie-in. I thought it would be revealed that Charles Xavier had
found a new way to be an even bigger douche-bag by psychically manipulating his
own students even more. Again, I was more off than Courtney Love during her
last stint in rehab. But I’m going to try again anyways because it makes me
feel like a more productive stoner.
An unlettered preview of Uncanny X-men #25 was released by CBR, offering an
exceedingly subtle hint as to what Xavier’s big sin will be. Apparently, he
didn’t consider secretly marrying Mystique one of his sins and I can’t say I
blame him. Hell, if I managed to marry a woman like Mystique, I would shove
that shit right in God’s face when I reached the pearly gates. But Xavier does
claim he has some skeletons that aren’t Halloween decorations lying around. It
involves a dangerous mutant named Matthew Malloy, who was introduced in the
previous issue. He’s a blatant Nitro rip-off, but he’s still one of those
problems that the Maria Hill’s of the world insist on making worse.
This September, the secrets of the
greatest champion for mutant/human relations come to light in the oversized
UNCANNY X-MEN #25 – the shocking finale of The Last Will & Testament of
Charles Xavier! Superstar creators Brian Michael Bendis & Chris Bachalo unearth
a devastating secret of their former mentor that will send shockwaves through
both camps of X-Men! What has Xavier been hiding? A mutant so powerful their
very existence was a threat to mutant’s way of life. A destructive force so
powerful they would’ve wiped out any chance of a peaceful coexistence between
humans and mutants. An unstoppable power now unleashed in the wake of Xavier’s
death! Against such overwhelming power, the splintered squads of X-Men must
unite if they have any hope of stopping it. And the story of how it came to be
will cast a new light on their beloved teacher – and the depths he would go to
protect mutant/human relations. Witness Xavier’s final “gift” to his children,
but will it be their undoing? Find out when The Last Will & Testament of
Charles Xavier comes to its staggering conclusion in UNCANNY X-MEN #25!
It’s hard to glean anything from an unlettered preview that does nothing
more than reveal that Xavier visited a kid years ago before “To Catch A
Predator” became a big deal. But it does offer something of substance in that
it establishes a clearer connection between Charles Xavier and Matthew Malloy.
These two plots were only loosely connected when this tie-in began. Now it’s
set to converge in a way that Emma Frost might or might not find as funny. And
I have a theory as to how it will go down.
The theme of this tie-in is all about Charles Xavier keeping a deep, dark
secret. I thought that secret had something to do with him psychically
manipulating his students. I’ve already been proven dead wrong there so I won’t
try to beat that dead horse again. I now suspect that Xavier knew that this kid
was dangerous in that if he lost his shit, he would set mutants back to 1950s
era race relations in a heartbeat. So to keep that from happening, he secretly
warped his mind and did some sort of psychic trickery that would probably have
got him banned from the heroic telepaths fan club. But once he died, those
tricks wore off and that’s why Matthew is losing his shit. Now, in order to
keep him from setting mutants back again right after they stopped being an
endangered species, he’s going to order his X-men to kill this kid.
It would be a pretty shitty will. Not only did he not leave them a penny of
his billions, he’s having them play hit-man to some scared mutant who doesn’t
know how fucked he is. It would be a dick move, but it would also be one of those
insanely tough decisions that he would shelter his X-men from while he was
alive. Now the X-men, while still stuck in Schism mode, have to clean up this
shit. It’s one of those missions that could only suck on every possible level.
It would also give Cyclops and Wolverine another reason to yell at one another.
Depending on how they deal with this, it’ll probably leave everyone on every
side pissed off for a good long while.
This is just my theory. History says there’s a very good chance that I’m
dead wrong about this. The odds are better that I’ll be sober by the time this
issue comes out. So please don’t place any bets on this. Save the shitty bets
for the New York Jets fans who think they’re going to win the Superbowl this
year. Nuff said!