The Wolverine Trailer (And Why Movie Wolverine Is A Total Pussy)

It happened again today. Another trailer for another upcoming X-men movie came out. For me, that means one of two things. First, it means the executives at Fox are low on money for blow and hookers. Second, it means I need to stock up on hard liquor, weed, and Valium because every bit of news regarding X-men movies has made me want to shove C4 up my urethra, swallow several sticks of dynamite, and jump into a live volcano. But this is a blog about X-men and I wouldn't be a very responsible drunk of I didn't do a post about it.

First off, we already know what to expect with The Wolverine. If you've seen Batman Begins, you're not missing anything. Wolverine has suffered a huge loss, he's gone emo, he ditches the world he knows to find meaning, and ends up getting help from some stereotypical Asian guys. But unlike Batman, Wolverine does it in a way that somehow makes one of the most badass characters in the history of Marvel comics into a total pussy.

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm in the minority here. I am among those few X-men fans who absolutely hates the X-men movies. And I'm not just talking about Brett fucking Ratner or fucking Barakapool. I fucking hate Bryan Singer's movies. Yes, I know his movies paved the way for comic book movies everywhere. I know he's regularly praised for his brilliance and I do concede that he's done some great shit. I will gladly kiss his ass for the rest of my days for The Usual Suspects and House. But he's a fucking dipshit when it comes to comic book movies and he took X-men and butt-fucked it to a a point where the only good X-men movie we can get is X-men First Class, a movie that he was never involved in and didn't use his precious Wolverine.

This trailer in many ways highlights why Singer's X-men movies suck donkey balls and why there's no reason to hope that Days of Futures Past will be any better. First off, let's look at movie Wolverine and compare him to his comic counterpart. In the movies Wolverine meets up with the X-men, makes friends with Rogue, flirts with Jean, but then ditches the team at the end of the first movie. He comes back in the second movie, basically does jack shit aside from throw temper tantrums, tries to bone Jean Grey again, and basically distracts from every single side-plot. And in X3, he's supposed to now be teaching the team. He tries to bone Jean Grey again, but only ends up having to murder her ass and fails to keep Cyclops and Xavier from getting killed. And what does he do after all this tragedy? Well according to this trailer and the other trailer, he fucking leaves!

That's right. At a time when the X-men have lost Charles Xavier and two of the most capable X-men, he fucking up and leaves! And why? Because he's still pining for Jean Grey? Well here's one major detail that separates his boner for Jean in the movies compared to the comics. He knew Jean Grey for only a few days. I need to emphasize this. HE KNEW JEAN GREY FOR ONLY A FEW FUCKING DAYS! He left at the end of X1. She died at the end of X2 shortly after he returned. And she returned in X3 just so he could kill her. Yet somehow she's now the love of his fucking life? Never mind that they never got to hook up in the comics outside of AUs and never mind that she fucking married Cyclops, who was basically killed off to make room for Wolverine. How the fuck is Jean suddenly this epic love affair with Wolverine when he didn't even know the first thing about her? I mean look at X1 and X2. He had more screen time with Rogue than he did with Jean and now in this trailer he's having a vision of her? That's the kind of shit we expect from Edward Cullen. Not Wolverine.

On top of that, I need to reiterate something else. He fucking ditched the X-men at the end of X3! They are probably hurting a great deal after so many deaths, but he doesn't see fit to stick around and help? He just goes all emo and runs off to Japan? Since when the fuck did Wolverine, the badass hero who was supposed to have a sense of honor, get so sensitive that he just ditches a bunch of young mutants who need him badly because of some woman he barely fucking knew?! That's not badass. That's not just a dick move either. That's just being a flat out pissant little bitch!

Compare that with recent events in the comics. Professor Charles Xavier and Jean Grey died too. But in the comics, Wolverine actually stuck around and developed a close personal relationship with both. And when they did die with Jean in Planet X and Xavier in Avengers vs. X-men, he didn't fucking leave. He stayed with the X-men and became a leader even though he knows he's not good at it. Just read his fucking speech in Uncanny Avengers #1. That's fucking Wolverine. If that Wolverine met his movie version and found out that he just ditched the X-men, he wouldn't just murder his ass. He would piss on the remains.

Don't get me wrong. I love Hugh Jackman. I love Femke Jenssen. But the characters they played were fucked. Wolverine was a total fucking pussy. And Jean Grey in the movies was nothing more than a walking dick warmer for Wolverine that he never got to try out. And yet we're somehow supposed to respect him as this badass? I would respect a fucking Kardashian before I respect someone like that!

And I do blame Bryan Singer. He's the one who got the ball rolling on this shitty incarnation of Wolverine. He's the one who basically turned the X-men movies into glorified Wolverine movies and nothing more. And now he's the one trying to turn another epic X-men story, Days of Futures Past, into a movie. I have absolutely no confidence in him, nor do I have confidence in the future of X-men movies. I believe the only way this could ever be fixed is if Days of Futures Past becomes to X-men what Batman and Robin was to Batman movies. Bryan Singer needs to become the new Joel Shumacher so that he will never be allowed to touch another X-men movie, or comic book movie, until the end of time. He's already bombed on Jack the Giant Killer. Just one more bomb and he can be done with this shit so someone else can take over. At this point, I would give Joel Shumacher another shot at directing a comic book movie than I would Bryan Singer.

I get that this drunken rant is just that. A rant. I also know that Byran Singer is never going to read this shit and neither is Hugh Jackman or anyone at Fox. But I'm just putting it out there. Singer's X-men movies suck! His Wolverine sucks! His Jean Grey sucks! And this movie and Days of Futures Past is destined to suck if he keeps doing the same shit. And until that changes, I have no hope that we can ever have a decent X-men movie in the way. Instead, we're only going to be stuck with shit like this.

Nuff said!

Official: Jon Favreau Drops Out of Iron Man 3

I know it's been a while since I posted movie news of any kind. It's not like there's nude oil wrestling going on in the comic movie department. It's all been standard. Marvel Studios is doing well, the stage is set for the Avengers movie, and the cast and supporting films are coming together. Then yesterday someone dropped a bomb that will make some fans shit their pants. Jon Favreau, the guy who brought Iron Man to life on the big screen in a way that was fifteen different kinds of awesome, has dropped out of directing Iron Man 3.

CBR: CONFIRMED - Jon Favreau Passes on Iron Man 3

This is big news because many comic fans have been down this road before. A director comes on board and brings an iconic comic series to life in an awesome way. The first two movies are epic, wetting the appetites of all those who seek comic book awesome. Then when the time comes around to commit to a third movie, the director pulls out faster than a high school football star from an under-aged cheerleader when her homicidal dad starts banging on the bedroom door. The result is a third movie that isn't just sub-par. It sucks elephant balls and gargles rhinoceros jizz.

Case and point, the movie that dare not speak it's name to X-men fans (X3). Bryan Singer was so generous. He gave us two fantastic movies that brought the X-men to life in a new way. Then he jumps ship on X3 so he can make a shitty Superman movie that turns the world's most iconic hero into a deadbeat dad. And we're left with Brett fucking Ratner, a guy about as qualified to do a comic book movie as he is fly the space shuttle. The result was a movie that pissed off comic fans so much that effigies of Ratner are still being burned. His name is now so tainted that if he comes within 50 feet of an X-men property comic fans are legally entitled to throw rocks at his balls. This guy destroyed the X-men series. The films that followed X3 have declined in quality faster than a Tuna sandwich kept near a radiator in the basement. So what's that say about Iron Man 3?

It's been a long standing rule since the Godfather trilogy. When the first two movies are good, chances are the third will be terrible. There are very few exceptions and usually the chances are better when the same director stays aboard. Spider-Man 3 wasn't a masterpiece, but it sucked way less compared to X3. Now Iron Man has a tough mountain to climb. History is working against it. Fate is not on the side of awesome. It will take some time to see how it comes together, but comic fans everywhere have reason to worry. Nuff said.

X-men Supreme Bios Update and X-men First Class Movie News

It's been a while since I updated the bios section of my website. It's not may fault either. These new characters take time to introduce in a series and X-men Supreme is no exception. For those of you who missed the last issue titled Pryde and Prejudice, I finally got around to bringing Kitty Pryde into the mix. She's a longtime favorite of mine and she looks to bring her own unique edge to the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Now as I've done with every character I've introduced thus far, I've put a unique twist on Kitty's background. She doesn't have the same history or tendencies in X-men Supreme that she does in the comics or cartoons. Those who were awesome enough to read the issue understand this, but if you would rather have the cliff notes version I've prepared a bio for her explaining who she is and how she got to the point she's at now within X-men Supreme.

Kitty "Shadowcat" Pryde Bio

You'll definitely want to keep up because Kitty will be playing a big role in the final arc that is set to begin with the next issue! The first volume of X-men Supreme has been building towards a big event soon and it's all coming together. The end of Volume 1: Mutant Revolution will bring a major change to the world of X-men Supreme and set the stage for the next volume. You won't want to miss it so if you're looking for a time to jump into the action, there's no time like the present!

As much as I would like to end this post on that note, there's one more tidbit that needs to be brought up. I haven't really posted a lot of news on the upcoming X-men First Class movie lately and for good reason. I've yet to regain any confidence whatsoever in Fox's X-men movies since the travesty that was Brett Ratner's X3. Yet so far Fox and director Matthew Vaughn have put together a sizable cast. This cast includes the following lineup thus far according to IMDB:

Alice Eve - Emma Frost

James McAvoy - Professor Xavier

Michael Fassbender - Magneto

Nicholas Hoult - Beast

Rosamund Pike - Moria MacTaggart (not confirmed officially)

Jennifer Lawrence - Mystique

Kevin Bacon - Sebastian Shaw (not confirmed officially)

Edi Gathegi - Darwin

Lucas Till - Havok

Caleb Jones - Banshee

There is still no word on who is playing Cyclops, Jean Grey, or Storm. If this movie is called First Class it damn well better have...you know, the first class of X-men. However, the biggest question has been whether or not this movie is a prequel or a reboot. If it's a reboot, that's great. A fresh start and a clean slate is just what the movie X-men need. But if it's a prequel, it's a complete waste of film because it doesn't matter what happens in it. Everything is going to get fucked up in X3. That's like trying to make shit that doesn't stink from the same materials. Nobody has been able to clear up just what the hell this movie is.

Well a recent interview from MTV news seems to offer some confirmation and it isn't all that great. Director Matthew Vaughn when asked if First Class will fit into the continuity of the previous X-films, his answer was clear:

"Yeah, I would say absolutely so," Vaughn responded when asked if "First Class" would be an official, in-continuity prequel to the "X-Men" movies that came before it.

So there you have it. This movie just lost all hope of expunging the piss poor shit stain that is X3. He tries to make it out as some compelling tale that tells the audience where these characters came from. Well I say to that who gives a fuck if they're all going to be screwed over in X3!  It doesn't matter how fun or engaging the history of Charles Xavier is in the past, he's going to get screwed over in X3 and so is Cyclops, Jean Grey, Rogue, and Mystique! It's not like the Star Wars prequels in the sense that we know the ending is good and everything does work out in the end. We know how this piece of shit story turns out and anything that leads up to it might as well be toilet paper. It doesn't mean shit!

There may still be some faint sliver of hope. In another story done by Screenrant, the X-men First Class movie was stated to be in continuity the same way the J. J. Abrams Star Trek movie was in continuity.

ScreenRant: X-men First Class is But Isn't a Reboot

Now that's an important distinction because while Star Trek wasn't a reboot, it did completely change the Star Trek continuity as it stood because the movie ventured into the past and redid the time line. If X-men First Class does something similar, then perhaps X3 can be overwritten. It would be a hell of a stretch, but many fans who still have Brett Ratner on their shit list would be very happy. Then again, that's assuming the powers that be are smarter than they've proven themselves over the past few years.

Time will tell, but if nothing is done to address the bullshit ending that X3 did to the series then Vaughn and Fox might as well be pissing into the oncoming wind of a hurricane. Unless they're okay with that, there's no hope for the X-men movie franchise. The sooner it gets rebooted the better. Nuff said.

X-men First Class May Have Their Director

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X-men Movie News (Sort Of)

In 2006 when X3: The Last Stand came out, a case study in how NOT to end a trilogy was born. Some call it the Godfather 3 syndrome. When a trilogy starts, the first two are usually good with the second one being a big improvement. Then the third movie comes out and it flat out sucks in a way that makes fans of the first two want to go back in time, strangle themselves, and make sure they stay in a coma for the duration of the movie's existence.

The X-men franchise didn't follow this trend exactly. The first X-men movie was revolutionary for it's time, but not well-praised by critics and fans. It wasn't terrible though. It did tell an interesting story and it did set a new tone for superhero movies. Then X2: X-men United came along and the bar was raised. This is one of the few times when both critics and fans were on the same page. This was a movie that finished where the first one fell short. It told a compelling story while doing justice to the characters and giving some much needed depth both emotionally and plot-wise. In a sense this may have been a bad thing because it made expectations for X3 so high. Then someone dropped a bomb.

Bryan Singer, the director who brought the X-men movies to life, left the project to do Superman. Who got the job instead? A guy named Brett Ratner, whose very name now evokes a nauseous feeling that induces more suicidal thoughts than the come-down from a hit of ecstasy. This guy was the anti-Singer. He had about as much subtlety as a kick in the balls. Where Singer provided both plot depth and character depth, Ratner was all about the shock-and-awe. It was all about big wars, big fights, and big moments like the death of some beloved characters and a script tailor made to satisfy Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman's publicist. This would have been fine if the characters were actually shown the least bit of respect and if the plot was remotely engaging.

X3 was a travesty. You don't kill off Charles Xavier, Cyclops, and Jean Grey while thoroughly disrespecting the Phoenix Saga (also known as the best X-men story EVER) and make fans happy. Maybe this was an alien concept to Ratner, but people don't like seeing characters they love being casually killed off. What made the death of Jean Grey so powerful in X2 was that it was built up and given an emotionally powerful story that was in many ways tied to her first death in the comics. I don't know what comics Ratner was reading, but he must have got them from the ass of some schizophrenic hobo hanging outside a comic shop in Tijuana. That's the only possible explanation that could make any sense of his bullshit.

Since X3 ended, nobody seems interested in making a sequel (who can blame them?), but that didn't stop Fox from making a Wolverine movie. While nowhere near the travesty that was X3, it certainly didn't wow fans back onto the movie bandwagon. Many simply cannot forgive the stupidity that is "Barakapool." Never-the-less, it still made money and that's all Fox needs to keep making these movies.

So when X-men First Class was announced, fans returned to the world of hope. When Laura Donner, the producer of the X-men films, announced it as an origins story that told of Magneto and Xavier's original split, the appeal was self-evident. Fans were even more giddy when they heard Bryan Singer was coming back to direct. It seemed if anyone can recapture the magic, it would be him. Turns out, however, that excitement was premature.

Fused Film: Bryan Singer will only Produce X-men First Class

That's right. Singer, already contracted to do "Jack the Giant Killer," won't be returning to X-men in the same capacity. He'll only be producing, leaving yet another director gap. Since Brett Ratner was tarred and feathered and banished from the X-men Universe, someone new will have to take his place. Will they make the same mistake Ratner did or will Singer's involvement be enough? Only time will tell, but there is one aspect fans are not going to forget.

If this is a prequel then it really doesn't matter what the hell the movie does because everybody will know how it ends. Any character development with Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Xavier will be completely moot because they're just going to die in X3 anyways. So who cares? That makes fans of the franchise a little iffy about enjoying it. Perhaps it would be best if X-men did the same thing Spider-Man has done and reboot the whole franchise. It would give the studios a clean slate to work with. Of course, that may make too much sense. X3 has permanently tainted the current movie series and if Marvel and Fox want any hope of capturing the same excitement they did with X2, then they need to get back to basics. Spider-Man is doing it. Superman is doing it. Why can't the X-men do it?