Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #19

There are certain people who nobody wants to be on bad terms with. Everybody has a shit list of some kind, but most people don't have the resources or the means to start checking it off in the most satisfying way possible. I imagine that Bill Gates and Warren Buffet could get pretty damn creative if they really wanted to fuck with the people they hated back in high school. I know if I had their money, there would be a few old bullies and teachers that would be in the ER right now waiting for an ass-transplant. I imagine that Maria Hill's shit list is way longer than most, but Odin help anyone who finds their way to the top. And right now, Cyclops has earned that coveted position. Since the beginning of Uncanny X-men, Maria Hill has had a rage boner for arresting Cyclops and throwing him back in jail. She has shown that like George W. Bush, she's willing to give the middle finger to the Constitution and fuck with anyone who could get her closer to slapping handcuffs on Cyclops. She hasn't succeeded yet, but I imagine every failure is only putting Cyclops higher on her shit list. So as I review Uncanny X-men #19, I'll try not to imagine all the trouble I would cause if I had SHIELD resources at my disposal. But one thing I can be damn sure of is pot would be legal pretty fucking fast if I did.

Speaking of being high, remember how Mystique drugged Dazzler in a way that probably involved a shit ton of roofies? Well, we don't exactly know what happened to her after. We just know that Mystique took her place and has been having a lot of fun taking full advantage of Dazzler's position. Hell, for all we know, Mystique went back and fucked all her old boyfriends and Tweeted naked pictures of her to every major tabloid. While this may earn Dazzler her own reality show at some point, it's hard for her to enjoy it when Mystique is keeping her in a coma. Because that's exactly where she has been since she roofied her and probably copped a feel. She's boning Sabretooth at the moment. I imagine she has some perverse sexual proclivities. But even without these disturbing/sexy images, it's nice to finally get an explanation about what happened to Dazzler after Mystique took her place. It's a bit late, but it's worth it to see how Mystique deals with the people she switches places with. It really is amazing what a sadistic mind can do with a handful of roofies and a boner.

But for Maria Hill, she doesn't need no stinkin' roofies to fuck with someone. She has the resources of SHIELD. That's better than every roofie in Roman Polansky's stash. And with that stash, she was able to track down Hijack with the same ease as ordering Chinese take-out. A few issues ago, Hijack managed to get himself kicked off the team for disobeying Cyclops's "no cell phone" rule. Well he basically vindicates Cyclops because he continues to use his phone with the assumption that the authorities aren't going to hack is every message and piss all over the 4th Amendment in the process. In SHIELD terminology, I think that would be called "just plain fucking stupid."

Not only does Maria Hill show up in Hijack's room with enough armed men to storm a Mexican meth lab, she even has the time to tow every vehicle he might be able to use against them. She then tells him that since he rubbed elbows with someone she considers a full blown terrorist, she can basically wipe her ass with his constitutional rights at this point. She also gives him some friendly advice about begging his girlfriend to take him back. I know I may be a drunk who has a pretty shitty history with women, but even I'm not dumb enough to know that begging like a little bitch doesn't work. It may get some pity sex, but not from a woman like Maria Hill. Hell, I doubt she would even give him a sympathy hand-job.

I'm also pretty sure Mystique isn't big on sympathy, especially for anyone she keeps drugged and unconscious. I'm going to assume she finds plenty of creative ways to take advantage of the unconscious and some of those ways would make my penis both happy and petrified. But for Dazzler, it's not exactly R-rated. However, it is something that does fit into the plans she already revealed to Magneto a couple issues ago.

When Magneto paid her a visit, Mystique bragged like an anorexic supermodel that she took over Madripoor and made it a mutant version of Disneyland/Las Vegas. And part of what fuels this decadent world is mutant growth hormone. She has been passing that out like blowjobs in a Tijuana whore house. But where is she getting it from? Well, she gets it from Dazzler. Now I don't know how Dazzler's blood is somehow the key ingredient to MGH, but she is a mutant and she is unconscious. I guess that's all the reason Mystique needs to use her rather than some other hapless mutant. She's pretty, blond, and unconscious. I'm pretty sure that's the criteria for a victim and a porno.

It's not clear whether Dazzler is going to break free and start contemplating all the horrible ways Mystique took advantage of her. But it is clear that Maria Hill has every intention of taking advantage of Hijack and not in a sexy way either. She's prepared to interrogate him in ways that would make a Taliban member shit themselves if he doesn't tell her where Cyclops is. The big problem with that is Cyclops went to some pretty great lengths to make sure none of his students knew the exact address of their base. He understands that most teenagers couldn't resist the urge to Tweet that shit the moment they had a chance. And in Hijack's case, he was right. He doesn't know and that's not good enough for Maria Hill. I guess this means he can skip the part where he calls a lawyer and go right to the part where Jack Baur interrogates him. And it's all because he wouldn't obey a simple fucking rule about cell phones.

While this is going on, I imagine Cyclops is still hard at work trying to figure out what the fuck happened to the O5 X-men and how he's going to horribly torment the Shi'ar for attacking his base. He did make a pretty big fucking deal about that in the previous issue. So why would he let it go? That's a damn good question because that's exactly what happens. That question is not answered and flat out forgotten because despite the fact that the O5 X-men are going up against the Shi'ar Imperial Guard, he's back to just sitting on his ass and waiting for another mutant or Sentinel to pop up. I'm a little too drunk to list all the ways why this is fucked up and completely shits all over the wonderfully close coherence established in the previous issue so I'll just say it's a hell of an oversight.

That doesn't mean there isn't some merit to keeping an eye on mutant activity. As Cyclops is monitoring the mutant population, they find a pretty big signal flare up in President Obama's old stomping ground. I mean Chicago and not Kenya for those right-wing assholes who won't let it fucking go. It comes just as Tempus is trying to confront Cyclops about all those funny feelings she has been getting in her panties every time she thinks about him. She also had somewhat of a rough time during their previous training mission. I'm not sure if she thinks this is a basis for one of those relationships that is only ever appropriate in a porno movie, but she thanks him anyways and shows she is still ready to fight by his side on a mission. In the same way men will go to great lengths for a woman with a great rack, girls will go to great lengths for men who keep their panties moist.

Cyclops takes his team to Chicago, home of deep dish pizza, the Chicago Bears, and jaded Cubs fans. It's not the worst place for a new mutant to show up. It's not South Beach or Las Vegas, but at least they can get some awesome pizza out of the mission. However, that assumes the mission isn't yet another trap like so many missions before it. And guess what? It is a fucking trap. In fact, it's the same fucking trap they fell into shortly before X-men Battle of the Atom when they visited a college campus in Michigan and got attacked by a fucking Sentinel.

Now I know Sentinel attacks are as much a part of X-men comics as whiskey is part of St. Patrick's Day. I don't mind repeated Sentinel attacks, but when it's basically the same fucking attack from before it starts to get frustrating. Cyclops is smart enough to outwit SHIELD and hormonal teenagers who don't know how to follow simple rules about cell phones. Yet he can't see the same fucking attack he experienced just a few fucking issues ago? I get that even the best leaders fuck up sometimes, but this is just pushing it.

That's not to say there isn't some variation in this battle. Unlike the previous battle at Michigan, these Sentinels have a new trick. They can turn off their mutant powers and leave them more vulnerable than wounded bat at an Ozzy Osborne concert. It forces them to rely on some of their non-mutant abilities, namely Magik's knack for sorcery. She's a rebellious teenage blond who rubs elbows with demons. She's not going to limit herself to say the very least. She's going to create a huge fucking dragon out of magic and have it pick its ass with Sentinel parts. It's a bit over-the-top, but with Game of Thrones coming back soon I'll gladly take it. And to make sure the Sentinels don't re-enact the Red Wedding episode, Tempus protects them in a time bubble. Apparently, not all their powers were shut off. It doesn't make for much of an epic battle, but there's only so much epic that a battle against Sentinels can offer. When a pretty blond throws a dragon into the mix, that's enough to make it entertaining.

When they emerge from their time bubble, they find that Magik's pet dragon did the trick and for once that's not a euphemism for weed. And once the Sentinels are destroyed, their powers come back online. Goldballs even finds a way to throw in a few dick jokes. And just like the previous attack, they have no fucking clue who is sending these Sentinels. However, Cyclops does surmise that whoever sent them didn't know that Magik can summon dragons in addition to being a pissed off blond teenager that can teleport anywhere in the fucking world. They also didn't know that Tempus can create time bubbles that can send them into the future. The problem is now they do fucking know and can plan accordingly. And so long as Cyclops keeps walking into these traps, the Law of Averages will eventually screw him over.

But the attack did more than just give the Sentinels another big advantage for the next battle. Apparently, the residents of Chicago don't like being caught in the crossfire of a battle between a magic dragon and killer robots, at least when LSD isn't involved. They're pissed off enough that their baseball team hasn't won a World Series in over a century. They don't need this shit too and make it very clear that mutants are about as welcome in Chicago as Packer fans. So while the Sentinels didn't succeed in stomping out the X-men, they did take a big shit on their public image so I guess that counts as half a victory.

As for the person behind the Sentinel attacks, we still get no fucking clue. In fact, we see the same ominous figure that showed up at the end of the previous issue. Nothing is really revealed. It just shows that this Iron Man wannabe is still in a position to fuck with them and make Cyclops even more pissed at SHIELD. And for the most part, this plan is a booming success. Cyclops is clearly pissed off at SHIELD and no longer gives a fuck if they're actively behind it or not. If they're just letting it happen, that's reason enough for him to want to kick their ass. It basically sets the stage for him to walk into yet another trap when he could be focusing on saving the O5 from the Shi'ar. That's like trading Peyton Manning for Ryan Leaf. It cannot work out well in any capacity whatsoever.

This issue threw a lot of awesome ingredients into the mix. But like a stoner that doesn't realize he just walked into a 7-Eleven with no pants on, this issue didn't bother to actually fucking mix these ingredients. Pretty much every plot introduced in this issue was only introduced half-way. We never saw what happened with Dazzler. We didn't see what happened with Hijack and Maria Hill. And that mystery asshole that has been throwing Sentinels at the X-men since this whole damn series began is still a mystery. Not only that, the whole sub-plot with Cyclops being worried about the disappearance of the O5 was just flat out forgotten. That beautiful coherence between this series and the other X-books was basically thrown away like a used tampon. While I enjoyed these sub-plots, I can only enjoy them so much when they flat out stop like a hooker that only gives half a handjob. There's are plenty of ways that these respective sub-plots could be brought together. Instead, we're just left with a series of cock-teases and my cock can only take so much. I give Uncanny X-men #19 a 6 out of 10. It basically retells the same damn story from an earlier issue that didn't need to be told. And for those of us with limited attention spans and sobriety, that's a problem. I would try taking my Adderal prescription with more regularity, but I learned long ago that amphetamines, booze, and weed are a bad combination. I just can't afford another indecent exposure conviction. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #19 - Winning and Losing

What goes through the mind of someone who knows he's being screwed over in the worst possible way? When I was in school, I once saw one of the football players lose a bet that required him to walk down the hall in a cheerleader's outfit with a used tampon stuffed in his mouth. Several people nearly died laughing, but after I stopped laughing myself I couldn't help but wonder what that guy was thinking. Maybe he was contemplating how he would get back at the asshole who tempted him with the bet in the first place. Maybe he would use it as a lesson to always think first and not take unnecessary risks with idiot friends who have a history of steroid abuse. It would be the most responsible thing to do, but we all know that expecting characters in comics to be responsible is no more reasonable than expecting immature teenagers with access to unlimited supplies of weed to be responsible.

After the events of Avengers vs. X-men #12, there were a number of open wounds for Marvel to rub salt in. Cyclops played the part of the wound and the salt was fucking everybody. Even though he took responsibility for the shit he did when he went Dark Phoenix, he has to know on some levels that the Avengers and his fellow X-men screwed him over in a way that no amount of used tampons could ever match. He was the one trying to prevent his species from going extinct. And in the end he succeeded. Granted, he almost destroyed the whole fucking world in the process, but it wouldn't be the first time someone put innocent people at risk for the sake of a better tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the man who invented ski-masks had the best of intentions, just as Cyclops did. But now he has to deal with shit like attacking his girlfriend, nearly destroying the world, and being branded a criminal and a murderer by friends and foe alike. I still maintain it's not quite as bad as being forced to stick a used tampon in your mouth.

Since its inception, Uncanny X-men has explored many facets of Cyclops's character. Kieron Gillen has shown a great deal of talent in treating his character with balance. It's a shame that balance was kicked in the balls and blind-sided by Ray Lewis on meth during Avengers vs. X-men, but he's still in one piece and has a lot of shit to deal with. If anyone is equipped to explore the mind of the most screwed over comic character since Gwen Stacy, it's Gillen.

Avengers vs. X-men fucked a lot of shit up. Uncanny X-men #19 explores the musings of Cyclops while he's in full Dark Phoenix mode. He starts by recalling how he became Dark Phoenix after killing Charles Xavier. After that little tidbit, he proceeds with beating the shit out of the Avengers and turncoat X-men who are now mere Avengers groupies. It's basically the same shit we saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but with some added narration. The narration doesn't add much, but it does lend some credence to the notion that Cyclops was out of his fucking mind and could probably plead insanity at his trial. It worked for John Hinkley and nobody pestered him until he went Dark Phoenix.

While he's busy beating the shit out of the Avengers and their new X-groupies, he muses over the life of Scott Summers. But it's not a clean recollection. He doesn't remember these events in the same way normal non-Phoenix people remember it. This is where Kieron Gillen's skill is flexed in the same way Ron Jeremy flexes his cock. These narrations, of which we got next to none in Avengers vs. X-men #12, are from the perspective of a mind corrupt with power. He already demonstrated that perspective to a point in an earlier issue in his run. He takes it up a notch here by reviewing events like Cyclops meeting Xavier, meeting Jean, and Jean Grey dying on him (the first time) in a new context. It feels very alien without feeling too crazy, so maybe that insanity plea won't work after all.

These musings continue as Dark Phoenix Cyclops lays waste to the world he so pain-painstakingly tried to fix until the Avengers pissed him off and his mentor started treating him like a dog. I liken it to a cosmic temper tantrum. It's not unlike that 15-year-old girl on her period screaming at her parents at how they don't let her go out and get drunk enough, but not quite as destructive. The Avengers and their X-Groupies try to fight back, but don't accomplish much. It's glossed over for the most part and that's probably a good thing since we already saw that shit in Avengers vs. X-men #12. And the less we're reminded of how much that comic sucked, the better.

Then we get to the battle against Hope and the Scarlet Witch. This is where Cyclops finally shot his load too much, not unlike the guy on a porn set who prematurely ejaculates. But in this instance it involves more than just pretty images of Hope and the Scarlet Witch doing their best to distract readers that all this shit is still their fucking fault from the get go. It shows the inner conflict within Cyclops's mind, which isn't unlike the conflict Jean Grey often described in that the human side of him battled the corrupt Dark Phoenix side. It's subtle. It's not overblown and Gillen doesn't write a fucking novel describing the conflict, although some may which he had. But even if it's understated, he gets the point across. On some levels, Cyclops knows he's lost it and the Dark Phoenix is overwhelming him. Okay, so the insanity plea is back on!

In the midst of this battle, there's another interesting scene. As he's battling Hope and the Scarlet Witch, he muses over how small the world is. There are some interesting shots of him holding the world in his hand in the way Rupert Murdoch only thinks he can do when he's off his meds. It's not clear if this shit is all in his head or even when the fuck this happens. As interesting as Gillen's perspective is, he does absolutely nothing to help with the lack of coherence in Avengers vs. X-men #12. Hell, he makes it worse on some levels because some of these scenes contradict what happened in the main series. But as I said in my Avengers vs. X-men #12 review, I've given up on expecting Marvel to make sense anymore.

But Gillen does expand on some moments. In Avengers vs. X-men #12, Cyclops got a brief visit from the shadowy figure of Jean Grey. She's the one that encouraged him to let the Phoenix go. Well in this issue, he pays a quick visit to the White Hot Room, or at least the door to it. From it, he appears to hear Jean Grey tell him he's an idiot and she likes the fact that she has a school named after her. Maybe that was part of what got him to let the Phoenix go, but it's a nice addition since Marvel has done so much to avoid using Jean Grey at all costs and resorting to making some shitty rip-off character that looks just like her. It still doesn't make sense of the vision he saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but a little extra Jean Grey references go a long way.

After he's done with this little god-trip, we flash forward to the aftermath. It's not a very smooth transition, but again this is an instance where the less reminders we get about how much Avengers vs. X-men #12 sucked the better. It's also another instance where it's not clear when this happens. It probably takes place before Cyclops had his little conversation/bullshit interrogation with Captain America, but again it's not clear and no one should expect it to be. In the same sense, nobody should expect Beast to be such a raging douche-bag. He's been condemning Cyclops as often as 15-year-old boy with an internet connection masturbates. And while offering no fucking alternative, of course. And this time he has plenty of blame to lay into Cyclops. He ignores the fact that Cyclops was right about Hope using the Phoenix to save the mutant race or the fact that it was the Avengers who provoked him in the first place. He just blames Cyclops in the same way Iran blames the Jews.

But there's one key detail that gets Cyclops's attention. Beast lets it slip that the Phoenix has completely undone M-Day and new mutants are emerging. Suddenly, Beast's bullshit is forgotten quicker than Flavor Flav's last reality show. Because that's what Cyclops focused on. Beast seemed to forget that the entire fucking point of this conflict was to undo M-Day with help from Hope and the Phoenix Force. And guess what? He succeeded. So suck it, Beast!

It leads to a very satisfying final panel where Cyclops walks out from whatever makeshift tent they were holding him in and he holds his head high. Sure, he killed Xavier. Sure, he fucked up the world (after turning it into a global utopia). But he succeeded in his mission. He saved the mutant race by being right about Hope and the Phoenix all along. Yet will Beast concede that? Fuck no! Will the Avengers concede that? Fuck no! But he knows it's true and anyone reading these books that hasn't had half their brains cut out know that too. So while Marvel has ensured that everyone in the comics thinks Cyclops sodomizes orphans in his spare time, in the grand scheme of things he won on some levels. Not in the Charlie Sheen sense, but he did save his species and Hank McCoy can suck his balls.

Reading Uncanny X-men under Kieron Gillen has done more than just given me an appreciation for guys with sexy British accents. Gillen does something in this comic that wasn't done in Avengers vs. X-men or most any comic Marvel has published throughout the course of this event. It fucking made sense. Gillen puts the same effort into telling the story of a character as he does in telling the story of a couple of cosmic powered mutants beating up an entire species of Mr. Sinisters. He finds a way to make it compelling both on a personal level and on that more primal level that compels us to watch with our tongues hanging out as shit blows up.

This issue also made me sad that Kieron Gillen will be leaving the X-books soon to make way for Brian Bendis and All New X-men. He did a good job of telling the story of Cyclops from the perspective of a guy who has been supercharged by a cosmic power and driven batshit crazy. You either have to be brilliant as fucked or high as fucked to tell that story. And since Kieron Gillen hasn't been arrested for pissing on a sheriff's boot at three in the morning, I'm assuming he's brilliant. His insight into Cyclops was a great summation of his journey through Avengers vs. X-men. The resulting aftermath with Beast was a great conclusion to that journey. Hell, it was more satisfying than the shitty conversation he had with Captain America in Avengers vs. X-men #12. At least it makes sense for Beast to be a complete asshole. And Cyclops should walk out feeling vindicated because he was right. Hope was meant to wield the Phoenix and she was meant to undo M-Day. He was right and he can give the finger to Captain America despite being arrested while Wanda Maximoff (who made this shit possible) is completely forgiven.

The most glaring issue here though is that there are moments which really don't line up at all with the main Avengers vs. X-men series. I'm inclined to label this a good thing since that series sucked elephant balls in the end. The encounter with Jean Grey along with the discussion with Beast was more incoherence in a series where incoherence is so concentrated that if it were a food additive it would give you cancer with one drop. And as good as Cyclops's conversation with Beast was, it really didn't add anything that Avengers vs. X-men #12 didn't already show. Cyclops was right and mutants are back. We get it. We don't need to be reminded in another comic. Even if Gillen tells it better, this is one instance we're painful reminders are just too painful.

Uncanny X-men #12 is still a good comic, although most of that goodness is ruined by the sheer shit storm that Avengers vs. X-men #12 unleashed. Gillen does his best to link up with it even when he shouldn't. It doesn't link up very well, but the details are compelling and it does have a more satisfying conclusion even if the circumstances are still fucked. I give Uncanny X-men #12 a 3.5 out of 5. Gillen had a pile of shit to work with and while he manged to make it shine somewhat, the stench will still make you vomit. But hey, a few lost meals for a Kieron Gillen Uncanny X-men comic is a fair trade in my book! Nuff said.