X-men Supreme Reflections: Emma Frost PREVIEW!

There are certain characters that inspire a special level of passion. And of the many characters in the X-men mythos, few inspire the kind of passion generated by Emma Frost. She’s a character that has undergone many changes and transformations throughout the history of X-men. I’ve had her go through more than a few here in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Just like the X-men comics, I introduced Emma Frost during the X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga. She played a critical role in luring Jean Grey into the clutches of the Inner Circle. While it was later revealed that Emma Frost did not do this of her own volition, it highlights some of the core themes about her character.

Emma Frost, in her many incarnations, has often been at the mercy of moral ambiguity. She comes from a world of wealth and privilege. She trained herself to navigate these morally ambiguous areas to get ahead. There have been times when this has made her an enemy of the X-men. As the White Queen, she was once the X-men’s most daunting psychic foe. But Emma Frost is not someone who lets herself get lost in these morally gray areas. She never lets herself become like Sebastian Shaw, Selene, or Sinister. She’s never let herself become a girl scout either. And that’s one of the major appeals of her character.

When it comes to fighting the kinds of battles that the X-men fight, it’s not always possible to be completely moral and completely ethical. There are many in the X-men, especially Professor Xavier, who aren’t willing to compromise those ethics to get the job done. Emma Frost, however, is willing. She’s shown this time and again throughout her history in the comics. Over time, she has distanced herself from the devious traditions of the Inner Circle. However, she still maintains a distinctly harsh, yet charming personality that many have come to love.

I’ve done my best to capture that personality in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. That doesn’t just mean giving her the necessary ties to the Inner Circle. Emma Frost has a number of circumstances in X-men Supreme that set her apart from the comics. As I revealed in the X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga, she was an early member of the X-men. Later on in X-men Supreme Issue 99: Escaping Destiny, I revealed that Emma Frost left the Inner Circle when she found out they used her eggs to make clones that Sebastian Shaw called the Stepford Cuckoos. This path has taken her in many directions throughout X-men Supreme, but there’s a lot more to learn about who Emma Frost is.

I’ve been waiting quite a while to do an entry of X-men Supreme Reflections for Emma, as I’m sure her passionate fans have as well. I had to wait because I wanted to make sure the story surrounding the Stepford Cuckoos and her betrayal of the X-men in the Phoenix Saga was explained. These events firmly entrench Emma Frost in that morally gray world that she’s so comfortable in. And even though she’s now the headmaster of the Academy of Tomorrow, she’s still going to have to navigate that world. As always, I’ve prepared a brief glimpse into the kind of life Emma Frost has lived in the world of X-men Supreme.

The aftermath of my father’s death can only be described as a fiasco wrapped in a disaster encased in a catastrophe. I was never the same. My siblings were never the same, albeit in a different capacity. Losing a lousy father was a secondary concern. Not having any money is what really spooked them. Adrienne and Cordelia tried to acquire what money they could to keep the family going. Christian took whatever he needed to continue his drug habit and skipped town. For me, the shock was almost as bad as my uncontrolled telepathy.

In the weeks that followed I struggled to process my father’s death and hearing the thoughts of others. All around me I was surrounded by crude, dishonest brutes whose thoughts revealed their true nature. I sensed liars, thieves, and people who were just plain crude. They would act one way and think another. It was a troubling sensation and one that dented my respect for humanity.

I remember at my father’s funeral sensing the thoughts of the priest. While he was talking about death and the heavens, I heard him thinking about how he was so sick of doing burials for rich pricks like the Frosts. I wouldn’t have thought less of him for just that. Then he had to project how he wanted to get back to snuggling with his boyfriend. By boyfriend I meant a 19-year-old meth dealing male prostitute. It seemed as though nobody had any humanity. Any good a person showed was just a façade.

It got to the point where I started fighting back. With my telepathy I found out about all the sordid (and illegal) activities my sisters were doing. I found out about everyone Adrienne was sleeping with, which in and of itself is enough to fill several minds. I also found out the lengths Cordelia was going to in order to get our fortune back. I was so sick of their deception that I threatened to expose them. Their response was to call the nearest mental hospital and have me committed. That was the last time I ever saw my sisters and I hope I never see them again.

Whatever sisterly affection I had for those two was completely lost in that mental ward. That was a new level of torment that I don’t care to experience again. I later found out that Adrienne slept with the head of that hospital and made sure that I would cause them no further trouble. I was kept in a secluded cell, given no means of contacting the outside world, and constantly drugged. Being a fifteen-year-old pretty blond didn’t help either. Some of the orderlies got a little too ‘friendly’ to say the least. I was rendered completely powerless. It was in that state where I decided that I started to fight back.

First, I had to gain control over my powers. This was an arduous process. Every day during my brief moments of mental clarity, I worked on focusing my telepathy. There was no one there to help me. I had to help myself. Driven by so much anger and bitterness, I was plenty motivated.

Eventually, I refined my mental powers to the point where I could start influencing the thoughts of others. I started small, tweaking the perceptions of the doctors so they wouldn’t give me as many drugs. Before long, I made it so they would walk into my room and only think they administered a dose. Once I was fully coherent, I planned my escape. I read the minds of every nurse and doctor to find a way out. Adrienne made sure I was kept in a very secure wing so I had to use drastic measures.

One night an armed security guard walked by my door. I pushed my telepathy to the limits and took control of his mind. I had him let me out and then I had him escort me out of the building. Along the way other guards and doctors came running at me. I had the guard shoot them or lock them out. I’m pretty sure at least one person died as a result. I don’t care to know if he did. When I was finally out, I had the guard give me his car keys and then I erased his memories of the whole evening. I may have erased more since I was so inexperienced at the time, but I didn’t care.

It set a new and dangerous precedent. Now I was free and had a new skill to help me fight back against a corrupt world. Adrienne had her sexuality, Cordelia had her brains, and Christian had his fearless decadence. I had my telepathy. I planned on using it to fight my way to the top, no matter what the cost. It was that foolish mentality that led me to making the biggest mistake of my life.

Characters like Emma Frost are important for the future of X-men Supreme because she’s one of those characters that fans care deeply about. I want to respect that passion as much as possible. With recent news that Emma Frost will be among the X-men who are MIA after Secret Wars, I want to give her fans something they can enjoy until she returns. That’s why it’s very important for her fans and X-men fans in general to continue to provide feedback on my handling of this fanfiction series. Either contact me directly or post your comments in the issues. I’m always open to feedback. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Scanned Thoughts: Storm #2

I don’t claim to be an expert on women. I can only claim to be an expert in finding ways to piss them off. Any man claiming to be an expert in women is either lying, delusional, or mistakes having a fuckton of money as charm. It’s for that reason I think comics that focus on one female character are so hard to make awesome. Most comic book writers are men. I’m sorry feminazis, that’s just the reality. Bitching about it won’t change that. But there are so many powerful women in comics that it’s easy to forget that many of them were created by men. And even when women get a chance to write them, it doesn’t always work out. That’s why I think we’re in a golden age of female comic characters. Between Captain Marvel, X-23, Elektra, and Ms. Marvel, there is a wealth of strong female characters to go around. I’m sure feminazis will still find a reason to bitch about it, but they should at least give Storm a pass. She’s one of the most powerful and endearing characters in the history of Marvel and after what I can only describe as a crack-induced oversight, she has her own solo series again. The first issue was a testament to all the things that make Storm awesome. Storm #2 now has the task of adding a little shine to that testament. In the past, I would be skeptical at best. But in this wonderful age of wonderful comic book women besides Wonder Woman, I’m going to try and be optimistic without the aid of cocaine.

It’s much easier for Storm to be optimistic. In the previous issue, she roughed up a few angry militia types in an area where the local government gives human rights the same priority as used toilet paper. It also pissed of Hank McCoy, which is always a bonus these days. Whereas I would celebrate such a feat with 30 strippers and a case of whiskey, Storm has simpler tastes in that she opts to have a lunch date with Wolverine over beer and a burger. So not only is she a goddess, she appreciates beer and burgers. Anyone not worshipping this woman yet has no fucking soul.

They talk about the incident and how it pisses off Beast, which I imagine counts as foreplay for them. Wolverine comments that she’s being a little reckless than usual and while it does give him a boner, he does worry because that’s his job and she’s just going to upstage him. Storm claims it might be him influencing her, but that only gives her a pussy boner so I guess the feeling is mutual. Rather than arguing like most couples would, Storm gets up and asks Wolverine to dance a little. Wolverine comments she’s always had a bit of a bad girl inside her and not just because she used to be a thief. He’s probably not wrong either. When the owner of the restaurant tells them no dancing, she gives him the Johnny Manziel treatment and does it anyways. And unlike Manziel, not even the NFL would dare fine her.

After a nice little dance that should keep Storm/Wolverine fans squealing until Labor Day, Wolverine says he has to go back to his binge drinking and super-secret missions. I have a hard time believing any of that shit is more appealing than spending quality time with Storm. But before he leaves, she shows him that she can be a bad girl and the best possible ways. It’s the kind of gesture that should keep Storm/Wolverine fans squealing until Labor Day in 2017. It also sucks in a way because the Storm/Wolverine relationship that began after Avengers vs. X-men really hasn’t gotten a lot of development until recently. And as it just so happens, Wolverine is set to die so this blossoming relationship has an expiration date on par with milk from Wal-Mart. It’s tragic, but at least they’re getting in nice moments like this. We can’t have the makers of Prozac getting too excited.

With her lover now off on his super-secret stabbing missions, Storm is left on her own. She can do anything she wants. She’s a fucking weather goddess. But while some would use their absent lover as an excuse to bang half the fire department, Storm decides to use her powers to find a missing girl. Why? Does she even need a reason? Like I said, she’s a fucking weather goddess. I don’t dare question how she spends her free time because I enjoy not having a lightning bolt shoved up my ass.

But helping a missing girl isn’t just some random act she decides to do in the same way I might randomly decide to dip bacon in a can of baked beans. A missing girl is something that resonates with her personally because she was once one of them. It’s hard to imagine that the goddess so worthy of worship now was once a pickpocket in Cairo. It’s like imagining Marlon Brando when he weighed under 250 pounds. A nice flashback captures all the emotions and struggles that she dealt with. She had to watch fend for herself after watching her own mother die from under a pile of rubble yet she still became this kickass X-woman/goddess. She makes the people who bitch that they didn’t have cable growing up sound like real assholes.

The girl she hopes to find is named Angie and her story is the kind of shit that Nancy Grace built her career on. She lived in a shelter, got involved with an abusive asshole boyfriend of the Ike Turner variety, and just disappeared. Since she just turned 19, the police are taking a “Let’s not and say we did,” approach to finding her so they could focus on more important things like harassing minorities with weed. That means it’s up to Storm to find this girl and she has nothing to go on but Angie’s old cell phone. Being a goddess, she can succeed where the police fail to give a shit and look damn sexy doing it.

She’s able to convince Beast to stop being a douche-bag for at least three minutes and help her use the phone to track Angie’s possible location. He may make shitty excuses to Cyclops and Wolverine, but even he’s not a big enough douche to fuck around with Storm. With his help, Storm finds out that she’s somewhere in the sewer systems of Manhattan. That makes sense because that’s the only place that doesn’t cost twenty bucks just to get into. It’s still not a pleasant place for Storm. She still has severe claustrophobia on the same level that I have a severe phobia of running out of beer. But that isn’t really a factor and that’s somewhat of a disappointment because a dark sewer is the kind of thing that would make most claustrophobics shit themselves. There’s still some nice internal monologue to provide more insight into Storm’s motivation for finding this missing girl, but she’s still way too comfortable than anyone should be in a New York City sewer, claustrophobic or otherwise.

It gets extremely uncomfortable very quickly when her search for Angie leads her directly to Callisto, who is about as welcoming to visitors as North Korea. It also doesn’t help that Storm and Callisto have a history. And by that I mean her history is almost on the same level as the history between Giants fans and Eagles fans. They don’t need to start arguing which team is going to suck worse this year. They just start fighting.

It’s a volatile, but somewhat tame fight. It contains some nice references to past X-men stories involving the Morlocks. It also provides a more personal kind of action that goes beyond just blowing up killer robots. However, anyone who doesn’t know that history very well is just going to see a couple of mutants fighting for no fucking reason. Even for those who do know their history, the way the fight just happens feels off. It’s like a bar fight that starts when everyone is still sober. It might be personal, but it has little purpose.

Storm naturally gains the upper hand, forcing Callisto to get help from some friends of hers that look like Voldermort cos-players. But they still know they’ve got no chance against Storm. I’ll say it again. She’s a fucking weather goddess. They might as well be a bunch of grasshoppers trying to take down Godzilla. Knowing this, they wisely run. Storm follows them, probably assuming that these people are using girls like Angie for ritual sacrifices to some lesser god with the head of a llama and the body of a squid.

But when she catches up to them, she finds something completely different. Not only are there no ritual sacrifices going on, but Angie is there and she’s incredibly pissed at what Storm did to Callisto. She even finds out that what she thought could be an evil ritual chamber is actually the equivalent of a college dorm. And she just fucked it up without even giving them the courtesy of a keg party. It’s an awkward moment on par with showing up to a job interview in a bikini.

After the awkwardness passes, the shit storm settles down and Callisto gives an explanation. She says these kids weren’t kidnapped. They were just scared runaways that needed a safe place to stay. And since the Morlocks are long gone/massacred, Callisto has a void in her life to fill. So instead of getting six dozen cats and moving to the mountains, she agrees to take in these runaways and protect them. It’s probably the nicest thing she’s ever done that didn’t involve winning an arm wrestling contest for charity. The problem is it makes Callisto’s reason (or lack thereof) for picking a fight with her all the more fucked up. She knows Storm well enough to understand she’s not the kind of person who just comes looking for missing teenagers to make them more miserable than they already are. It makes their fight completely unnecessary. All it accomplishes is making a mess without the fun of a party.

Storm, once again showing the kind of humility that the Sarah Palins of the world never dare show, offers her sincere apology and helps clean up the mess she made. She doesn’t try to throw money at them either or make excuses. She actually uses her bare hands. When has Sara Palin ever used her bare hands for anything other than writing notes on shit she’s too lazy to remember? I’m not just saying I would vote for Storm over any woman. I’m saying there wouldn’t need to be a vote in the first place.

Before she leaves, Storm decides she still hasn’t been awesome enough. She charges their batteries and says she’ll have other X-men bring them supplies that will make living in the sewer feel less like living in the sewer. Even though Callisto was a total ass who picked a totally unnecessary fight with her, Storm shrugs it off and trusts her to look after these kids. Most people usually don’t trust those who pick fights with them for no reason. But most people are a compassionate weather goddess who looks good in a mohawk.

Just to make sure there are no lose ends like a truly benevolent goddess, Storm convinces Beast to stop being a douche for three more minutes. He agrees to keep monitoring Callisto in these kids, just in case someone comes along to pick a fight for much less trivial reasons. He even manages to get Angie’s asshole ex-boyfriend arrested. It’s been a while since Beast has done something that doesn’t make me want to punch a baby seal. It’s refreshing, but he still has a long fucking way to go.

Having found a missing girl and aided a group of runaways stuck living underground, I think Storm can officially say she’s had a productive day. She didn’t get to destroy any robots or fuck up any repressive dictatorships, but she still made a positive difference on the lives of others. She has more than earned a chance to catch up with Wolverine again and have a little personal time before he runs off to stab more shit again. It’s a genuinely good day in the life of Ororo Munroe and a good day for Wolverine as well. She was bad when she needed to be bad and good when she needed to be good. For once, my penis, my brain, and my heart are in total agreement. Storm is awesome.

Remarkably, I didn’t need any cocaine to make this comic awesome. This was one of those rare books that can be enjoyed both sober and stoned. Like the first issue, it captures so much of what makes Ororo Munroe one of the most lovable, endearing characters in comics. She’ll go out of her way to rescue a run-away girl. Then she’ll go out of her way to help said girl when she finds out that she doesn’t need rescuing. She’ll fight when she needs to fight. She’ll help when she needs to help. And most importantly, she’ll find just the right time to be damn sexy. She’s the perfect blend of the woman a guy would want to marry and the woman they would want to have a one night stand in Vegas with. Of all the powerful women in the Marvel universe, Storm is the most worthy of being worshiped, loved, and respected while being divinely bonerific. This issue shows why and more than anything else, shows that Wolverine can die happy knowing he died as Storm’s lover. Storm #2 gets a 9 out of 10. There may never be a woman in real life as awesome as Storm. We’re all pitiful lumps of shit compared to a goddess like her. But I think feminists and Fox News anchors can agree that Ororo Munroe sets a high standard and looks pretty damn awesome while doing it. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #19

I’ve made my share of enemies over the years. Most of them involve ex-girlfriends, relatives and family of ex-girlfriends, and militant traffic cops that may or may not be conspiring against me with my ex-girlfriends. So I know the value of being able to stay a step ahead of those who would like to see me publicly crucified in Times Square. I’m not going to say it’s easy avoiding people and being on the run. I’ll just say that in an era where every dipshit with a phone thinks they’re a photographer, it’s getting increasingly difficult. So I can only imagine how difficult it is for Havok in Uncanny Avengers right now. He’s not just on the run from some pissed off father whose daughter now has handprints permanently affixed to her ass cheeks. He’s running from an entire fucking planet of mutants. The Earth is gone and Planet X is all that remains, courtesy of a massive Celestial conspiracy orchestrated by the Apocalypse Twins. Havok is trying to expose that conspiracy and fix the past. And somehow he managed to knock up Wasp in the process. He’s either really reckless or incredibly efficient. Now I have my share of criticisms of Havok. I still think he’s a douche, but any man who can manage to hook up with a beautiful woman while being a fugitive is okay in my book. That’s why I’m going to try and cut him some slack as I review Uncanny Avengers #19. I can’t guarantee that I’ll try very hard, but even a drunk is capable of making a concerted effort.

Effort or not, the circumstances are working against Havok in a major way. After destroying the Tachyon Dam in the previous issue, he has opened the door to undoing Earth’s destruction. And Eimin isn’t too keen on him undoing all her hard work and deceit. So she naturally uses more hard work and deceit to convince the X-Council to go after Havok. Who is the X-Council? It’s part X-men and part old fucks. It includes Magneto, Storm, Cable, Cyclops, Psylocke, and Jean Grey, who remarkably hasn’t gone Xorna on anyone. Guess separating her from all those annoying humans was therapeutic.

There is some good discussion here. Cyclops, Jean, Cable, and the rest of the Council don’t come off as total assholes and jump on the “Let’s kill Havok!” bandwagon. They’re reluctant because the idea that Havok may have a way to save the Earth does matter to them. Almost everyone is intrigued by the possibility, except for Magneto. He has just gotten too comfortable not having to deal with those pesky humans. While Planet X hasn’t turned Magneto into less of an asshole, it does show that the X-Council isn’t aware of what Eimin did to destroy the Earth in the first place. As far as they know, she’s just the one that saw it coming and worked with the Scarlet Witch to save the mutant race before it was too late. They have a lot of reasons to trust her is what I’m saying. If someone saved my house and all my beer and comics from a nuclear blast, I would gladly trust that person to operate on my balls.

Trust is a much bigger problem on Havok’s side. He’s stuck trusting Kang and a bunch of time displaced alternate characters that I wouldn’t trust to wash my car. But they all have something going for them. Their timelines got nullified by the Apocalypse Twins. They’re more than a little motivated to screw them over in ways that would give Rush Limbaugh a boner. But to do that, they can’t just go back in time in a Delorean and avoid boning their mother. They have to rip a page right out of Days of Futures Past and send their consciousness back. And Havok can’t do it alone either. He has to get the surviving members of the Unity Squad together and go back as a team. That way they all basically have a cheat guide with which to beat the Apocalypse Twins.

I’m normally not too fond of blatant rip-offs that aren’t porn parodies. I hope I’ve made that point abundantly clear on this blog with my hatred of Hope fucking Summers. But there are rare cases where I’m okay with certain plots and stories being recycled like a used beer bottle. Sometimes shit just works. In my experience new ideas just for the sake of new ideas is the first step towards some seriously dumb ideas. And when it comes to undoing the shit storm triggered by the Apocalypse Twins, there’s not much room for dumb ideas.

Havok is understandably reluctant to trust a bunch of dimensionally displaced assholes with his consciousness. That’s like trusting a hobo in Rio to do open heart surgery. Even his daughter, Katie Summers, is smart enough to know it’s a shitty idea. Kang even seems to show a little sympathy. It is a tough position, potentially sacrificing his daughter to save the billions of lives that were snuffed out on Earth. It’s an emotional moment that has the potential to make for a very emotional decision. Then Kang remembers that he’s an asshole and makes that decision for Havok.

In a dick move that’s right up there with getting the Earth destroyed, Kang takes Katie from Havok and disappears with her. He doesn’t give him any say in the matter. Havok has to trust these assholes with his consciousness and once the Earth is saved, he’ll return his daughter. I know I throw the term “dick move” around on this blog as much as any dick joke. But this really takes it to another level. It’s not enough that Kang is responsible for raising the Apocalypse Twins and turning them into the kind of assholes that blow up a fucking planet. He has to fuck with Havok’s daughter. He’s officially entered Brett Ratner territory in terms of being an asshole.

Havok is understandably pissed, especially at Thor for teaming up with this asshole. But at least now he’s motivated. He’s now like a pit bull that smells a steak hanging from a female pitbull’s ass. And his first task in unfucking the future is to rescue the Unity Team, which includes Sunfire and Wolverine. And boy does it suck to be these two. Since they know way too much about Eimin’s bullshit, she has kept them imprisoned and immobile. She even has Wolverine constantly being set on fire, probably just for shits and giggles. She even has Banshee and Daken guarding them. It presents more than a daunting challenge. It’s also somewhat of a plot hole.

Let me restate the situation in case anyone missed it. Wolverine and Sunfire survived the destruction of Earth. Eimin said that every mutant was saved that day. And she has kept them in a state of suspended animation and unending torment ever since without the X-Council knowing? I know Cyclops doesn’t like Wolverine that much, but he likes him enough to get drunk with him. He sure as hell wouldn’t appreciate Eimin doing this to him. And Storm has slept with the guy. She sure as hell wouldn’t appreciate it, even if Eimin is the savior of the mutant race. So how the hell has Eimin kept this from the X-Council all this time? Keep in mind, it contains two powerful telepaths in Jean Grey and Psylocke. I’m not saying she can’t keep a secret, but this is something that I imagine had to have crossed their minds at some point.

Eimin seems to understand this on some levels. She even reveals her plans to kill the X-Council won’t bother her about this issue. Not only that, she intends to frame Kang for their deaths so that she can essentially solidify her power on Planet X to a level that has never been achieved outside Donald Trump’s wet dreams. She even makes a very relevant observation when Daken points out that the mutants might not be too happy with seeing their X-men champions murdered. In a speech that would make Apocalypse himself gush with pride, she tells him that these mutants are like humans in that they’ll believe what makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside rather than question it. It’s the primary foundation for every major religion and doomsday cult. It’s a dick move. But as the Pope himself can attest, it fucking works.

Havok goes to work trying to fuck up Eimin’s plans in the worst possible way and I can’t help but root for him. I know. I’m shocked and a little uncomfortable. But I’ve dealt with worse discomfort. I’ve sat through traffic court on a vacation. His first step is to take a team and free Wasp, who got captured in the previous issue. She’s part of the Unity Team as well so that means she has to have her consciousness sent back as well. It promises to be a dangerous mission. And this isn’t wholly wrong. It just happens in a way that for Havok probably feels like multiple kicks to the balls.

Wasp unexpectedly arrives at their pace, alive and in one piece. So just like that, their first mission is accomplished, right? Fuck no. She’s a human on a planet of mutants. That means she’s either bait or a zoo exhibit. And Cyclops, Magneto, and the X-Council are the ones doing the fishing and it fucking works. With Psylocke controlling Wasp, she leads them right to Havok and his team. They’re still under Eimin’s deception so they don’t know they’re being fucked over as well. They just know Havok is about to fuck up their peaceful mutant utopia.

The battle that follows is visceral, even if it isn’t quite as epic compared to other battles in this series. The bar gets raised pretty fucking high when some of those battles involve Celestials. There’s some nice firepower exchanged by Storm, 2099 Doom, and an asshole version of Psylocke that looks like my old algebra teacher. But the biggest fight is naturally between Cyclops and Havok.

Now this battle had the potential to be the same bullshit that has plagued every Havok/Cyclops battle since Avengers vs. X-men. Havok bitches and moans about Cyclops being a tyrant while Cyclops bitches and moans about Havok’s bitching. It could have easily been another case where Cyclops is made into a villain to cover for Havok’s bitching. But that isn’t necessarily the case here. It’s still there to some extent, but only for those who forget that Cyclops doesn’t know the truth about Eimin’s bullshit. He also doesn’t know that Eimin is planning to murder his ass and everyone else he cares about. That’s why rooting for Havok this time doesn’t make me want to throw up. I can save that shit for hangovers where it belongs.

But Cyclops vs. Havok Round 239 doesn’t go by fast enough for Magneto’s tastes. While Cyclops clearly holds back in fighting his brother, Magneto isn’t so sympathetic and not just because he’s not fond of going back to a time where he has to deal with bigoted humans again. The whole reason Planet X exists and thrives is because of the sacrifice that the Scarlet Witch made. Havok is looking to undo that and while Magneto may be a shitty father, he’s more than willing to defend her sacrifice. That means ripping Havok away from his battle with Cyclops and preparing to murder his ass right and be done with it. While I do root for Havok, I also sympathize with Magneto to some extent. Then I remember that I’m sympathizing with a guy who probably piss on the ashes of Earth and is okay with full blown murder. So that sympathy is more short-lived than Patton Oswald’s stint on Agents of SHIELD.

All the while, Eimin is watching this and probably resisting the urge to masturbate to it. The X-Council is basically doing their work for her and has no idea that she’s preparing to murder their ass. Even I have to admit that’s a pretty good plan, even if it is full with multiple dick moves. That doesn’t make it any less refreshing when Thor, Iron Man, an Abomination/Deathlok hybrid, and a version of Spider-Man with a kickass costume bust in before she can break out her vibrator. Few characters in the Marvel universe are more deserving of an ass-kicking than Eimin at this point. So seeing Thor stand over her, looking ready to hammer her head through her ass, just gives me wonderful feelings in my pants.

The biggest accomplishment of this comic is that it put a plan in place to undo the Apocalypse Twins’ bullshit. Sure, it blatantly ripped off Days of Futures Past. But if this story was going to rip off anything, it might as well rip off the second greatest X-men story of all time. The second biggest accomplishment of this comic is that it made me root for Havok without also making me want to throw up. And it isn’t just because now he has to save his daughter. Now he also has to save Cyclops, Storm, and everyone else on the X-Council from being murdered by Eimin. And the X-Council doesn’t know just how fucked they are. That makes Havok’s struggle sympathetic, but he’s still a douche. It’s not enough to overlook some of the larger plot holes. But I’ve seen bigger holes in Kristen Stewart’s acting. And these are holes that can be fixed easily in future issues. That’s why I give Uncanny Avengers #19 an 8 out of 10. Make no mistake. Eimin is basically becoming a sun-burned Apocalypse with boobs. Nice boobs can make people overlook many flaws, but not in this case. Putting boobs on an Apocalypse wannabe only demeans the sanctity of boobs. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #19

There are certain people who nobody wants to be on bad terms with. Everybody has a shit list of some kind, but most people don't have the resources or the means to start checking it off in the most satisfying way possible. I imagine that Bill Gates and Warren Buffet could get pretty damn creative if they really wanted to fuck with the people they hated back in high school. I know if I had their money, there would be a few old bullies and teachers that would be in the ER right now waiting for an ass-transplant. I imagine that Maria Hill's shit list is way longer than most, but Odin help anyone who finds their way to the top. And right now, Cyclops has earned that coveted position. Since the beginning of Uncanny X-men, Maria Hill has had a rage boner for arresting Cyclops and throwing him back in jail. She has shown that like George W. Bush, she's willing to give the middle finger to the Constitution and fuck with anyone who could get her closer to slapping handcuffs on Cyclops. She hasn't succeeded yet, but I imagine every failure is only putting Cyclops higher on her shit list. So as I review Uncanny X-men #19, I'll try not to imagine all the trouble I would cause if I had SHIELD resources at my disposal. But one thing I can be damn sure of is pot would be legal pretty fucking fast if I did.

Speaking of being high, remember how Mystique drugged Dazzler in a way that probably involved a shit ton of roofies? Well, we don't exactly know what happened to her after. We just know that Mystique took her place and has been having a lot of fun taking full advantage of Dazzler's position. Hell, for all we know, Mystique went back and fucked all her old boyfriends and Tweeted naked pictures of her to every major tabloid. While this may earn Dazzler her own reality show at some point, it's hard for her to enjoy it when Mystique is keeping her in a coma. Because that's exactly where she has been since she roofied her and probably copped a feel. She's boning Sabretooth at the moment. I imagine she has some perverse sexual proclivities. But even without these disturbing/sexy images, it's nice to finally get an explanation about what happened to Dazzler after Mystique took her place. It's a bit late, but it's worth it to see how Mystique deals with the people she switches places with. It really is amazing what a sadistic mind can do with a handful of roofies and a boner.

But for Maria Hill, she doesn't need no stinkin' roofies to fuck with someone. She has the resources of SHIELD. That's better than every roofie in Roman Polansky's stash. And with that stash, she was able to track down Hijack with the same ease as ordering Chinese take-out. A few issues ago, Hijack managed to get himself kicked off the team for disobeying Cyclops's "no cell phone" rule. Well he basically vindicates Cyclops because he continues to use his phone with the assumption that the authorities aren't going to hack is every message and piss all over the 4th Amendment in the process. In SHIELD terminology, I think that would be called "just plain fucking stupid."

Not only does Maria Hill show up in Hijack's room with enough armed men to storm a Mexican meth lab, she even has the time to tow every vehicle he might be able to use against them. She then tells him that since he rubbed elbows with someone she considers a full blown terrorist, she can basically wipe her ass with his constitutional rights at this point. She also gives him some friendly advice about begging his girlfriend to take him back. I know I may be a drunk who has a pretty shitty history with women, but even I'm not dumb enough to know that begging like a little bitch doesn't work. It may get some pity sex, but not from a woman like Maria Hill. Hell, I doubt she would even give him a sympathy hand-job.

I'm also pretty sure Mystique isn't big on sympathy, especially for anyone she keeps drugged and unconscious. I'm going to assume she finds plenty of creative ways to take advantage of the unconscious and some of those ways would make my penis both happy and petrified. But for Dazzler, it's not exactly R-rated. However, it is something that does fit into the plans she already revealed to Magneto a couple issues ago.

When Magneto paid her a visit, Mystique bragged like an anorexic supermodel that she took over Madripoor and made it a mutant version of Disneyland/Las Vegas. And part of what fuels this decadent world is mutant growth hormone. She has been passing that out like blowjobs in a Tijuana whore house. But where is she getting it from? Well, she gets it from Dazzler. Now I don't know how Dazzler's blood is somehow the key ingredient to MGH, but she is a mutant and she is unconscious. I guess that's all the reason Mystique needs to use her rather than some other hapless mutant. She's pretty, blond, and unconscious. I'm pretty sure that's the criteria for a victim and a porno.

It's not clear whether Dazzler is going to break free and start contemplating all the horrible ways Mystique took advantage of her. But it is clear that Maria Hill has every intention of taking advantage of Hijack and not in a sexy way either. She's prepared to interrogate him in ways that would make a Taliban member shit themselves if he doesn't tell her where Cyclops is. The big problem with that is Cyclops went to some pretty great lengths to make sure none of his students knew the exact address of their base. He understands that most teenagers couldn't resist the urge to Tweet that shit the moment they had a chance. And in Hijack's case, he was right. He doesn't know and that's not good enough for Maria Hill. I guess this means he can skip the part where he calls a lawyer and go right to the part where Jack Baur interrogates him. And it's all because he wouldn't obey a simple fucking rule about cell phones.

While this is going on, I imagine Cyclops is still hard at work trying to figure out what the fuck happened to the O5 X-men and how he's going to horribly torment the Shi'ar for attacking his base. He did make a pretty big fucking deal about that in the previous issue. So why would he let it go? That's a damn good question because that's exactly what happens. That question is not answered and flat out forgotten because despite the fact that the O5 X-men are going up against the Shi'ar Imperial Guard, he's back to just sitting on his ass and waiting for another mutant or Sentinel to pop up. I'm a little too drunk to list all the ways why this is fucked up and completely shits all over the wonderfully close coherence established in the previous issue so I'll just say it's a hell of an oversight.

That doesn't mean there isn't some merit to keeping an eye on mutant activity. As Cyclops is monitoring the mutant population, they find a pretty big signal flare up in President Obama's old stomping ground. I mean Chicago and not Kenya for those right-wing assholes who won't let it fucking go. It comes just as Tempus is trying to confront Cyclops about all those funny feelings she has been getting in her panties every time she thinks about him. She also had somewhat of a rough time during their previous training mission. I'm not sure if she thinks this is a basis for one of those relationships that is only ever appropriate in a porno movie, but she thanks him anyways and shows she is still ready to fight by his side on a mission. In the same way men will go to great lengths for a woman with a great rack, girls will go to great lengths for men who keep their panties moist.

Cyclops takes his team to Chicago, home of deep dish pizza, the Chicago Bears, and jaded Cubs fans. It's not the worst place for a new mutant to show up. It's not South Beach or Las Vegas, but at least they can get some awesome pizza out of the mission. However, that assumes the mission isn't yet another trap like so many missions before it. And guess what? It is a fucking trap. In fact, it's the same fucking trap they fell into shortly before X-men Battle of the Atom when they visited a college campus in Michigan and got attacked by a fucking Sentinel.

Now I know Sentinel attacks are as much a part of X-men comics as whiskey is part of St. Patrick's Day. I don't mind repeated Sentinel attacks, but when it's basically the same fucking attack from before it starts to get frustrating. Cyclops is smart enough to outwit SHIELD and hormonal teenagers who don't know how to follow simple rules about cell phones. Yet he can't see the same fucking attack he experienced just a few fucking issues ago? I get that even the best leaders fuck up sometimes, but this is just pushing it.

That's not to say there isn't some variation in this battle. Unlike the previous battle at Michigan, these Sentinels have a new trick. They can turn off their mutant powers and leave them more vulnerable than wounded bat at an Ozzy Osborne concert. It forces them to rely on some of their non-mutant abilities, namely Magik's knack for sorcery. She's a rebellious teenage blond who rubs elbows with demons. She's not going to limit herself to say the very least. She's going to create a huge fucking dragon out of magic and have it pick its ass with Sentinel parts. It's a bit over-the-top, but with Game of Thrones coming back soon I'll gladly take it. And to make sure the Sentinels don't re-enact the Red Wedding episode, Tempus protects them in a time bubble. Apparently, not all their powers were shut off. It doesn't make for much of an epic battle, but there's only so much epic that a battle against Sentinels can offer. When a pretty blond throws a dragon into the mix, that's enough to make it entertaining.

When they emerge from their time bubble, they find that Magik's pet dragon did the trick and for once that's not a euphemism for weed. And once the Sentinels are destroyed, their powers come back online. Goldballs even finds a way to throw in a few dick jokes. And just like the previous attack, they have no fucking clue who is sending these Sentinels. However, Cyclops does surmise that whoever sent them didn't know that Magik can summon dragons in addition to being a pissed off blond teenager that can teleport anywhere in the fucking world. They also didn't know that Tempus can create time bubbles that can send them into the future. The problem is now they do fucking know and can plan accordingly. And so long as Cyclops keeps walking into these traps, the Law of Averages will eventually screw him over.

But the attack did more than just give the Sentinels another big advantage for the next battle. Apparently, the residents of Chicago don't like being caught in the crossfire of a battle between a magic dragon and killer robots, at least when LSD isn't involved. They're pissed off enough that their baseball team hasn't won a World Series in over a century. They don't need this shit too and make it very clear that mutants are about as welcome in Chicago as Packer fans. So while the Sentinels didn't succeed in stomping out the X-men, they did take a big shit on their public image so I guess that counts as half a victory.

As for the person behind the Sentinel attacks, we still get no fucking clue. In fact, we see the same ominous figure that showed up at the end of the previous issue. Nothing is really revealed. It just shows that this Iron Man wannabe is still in a position to fuck with them and make Cyclops even more pissed at SHIELD. And for the most part, this plan is a booming success. Cyclops is clearly pissed off at SHIELD and no longer gives a fuck if they're actively behind it or not. If they're just letting it happen, that's reason enough for him to want to kick their ass. It basically sets the stage for him to walk into yet another trap when he could be focusing on saving the O5 from the Shi'ar. That's like trading Peyton Manning for Ryan Leaf. It cannot work out well in any capacity whatsoever.

This issue threw a lot of awesome ingredients into the mix. But like a stoner that doesn't realize he just walked into a 7-Eleven with no pants on, this issue didn't bother to actually fucking mix these ingredients. Pretty much every plot introduced in this issue was only introduced half-way. We never saw what happened with Dazzler. We didn't see what happened with Hijack and Maria Hill. And that mystery asshole that has been throwing Sentinels at the X-men since this whole damn series began is still a mystery. Not only that, the whole sub-plot with Cyclops being worried about the disappearance of the O5 was just flat out forgotten. That beautiful coherence between this series and the other X-books was basically thrown away like a used tampon. While I enjoyed these sub-plots, I can only enjoy them so much when they flat out stop like a hooker that only gives half a handjob. There's are plenty of ways that these respective sub-plots could be brought together. Instead, we're just left with a series of cock-teases and my cock can only take so much. I give Uncanny X-men #19 a 6 out of 10. It basically retells the same damn story from an earlier issue that didn't need to be told. And for those of us with limited attention spans and sobriety, that's a problem. I would try taking my Adderal prescription with more regularity, but I learned long ago that amphetamines, booze, and weed are a bad combination. I just can't afford another indecent exposure conviction. Nuff said!

All New X-men #20 Lettered Preview - Fancy Revelations

I know I’ve said it on more than one occasion in my drunken reviews and every news story about a high school prank gone horribly wrong keeps proving me right. Teenagers do not make smart decisions. Between overwhelming bodily changes, raging hormones, and raging sex drives there is just too much for the teenage brain to deal with. So how can anyone expect it to be logical? Even if it means fucking up the entire space time continuum, teenagers will find some ways to think with the wrong head.

That’s part of what has generated so much interest surrounding All New X-men #20. It isn’t just the promise of two teenage characters succumbing to their insatiable desires to hook up in ways that would make Bill O’Riley’s head explode. This is a very unique kind of hook-up and in a series that has had psychic affairs and incest, that’s saying something. I’ve already done multiple blog posts on this issue and the unlettered preview that came out a few weeks ago. Now this issue that has brought out a unique kind of bitching and moaning on message boards is only a week away.

And I don’t think anyone should be surprised that Marvel released an advanced preview. This time it’s lettered and that’s a good thing because what is said here answers some of the burning questions from All New X-men #19, which I articulated in my usual drunken manner. But it also raises a few new issues with some new implications. I’ll let Comic Book Resources take it from here since they can do their work sober.

CBR: All New X-men #20 Lettered Preview

• The fallout of X-MEN: BATTLE OF THE ATOM continues!

• X-23 is back and kissing… WHO IS THE MYSTERY MAN??!

Seeing this preview was a relief in same way taking a really good shit after gorging on buffalo wings the previous night is a relief. In All New X-men #19, X-23 apparently took a note from her father’s playbook and lost her damn memory. But it looks like in this issue, she got it back. It’s not clear how, which I pray to Odin isn’t glossed over like so many other details. But it saves this series the trouble of dealing with another amnesia Weapon X plot. That shit has been more done to death than the last three Adam Sandler movies.

But what is more intriguing is how O5 Jean picked up that O5 Cyclops’s already “fancies” X-23 as she calls it. Now it’s worth pointing out that earlier in this series, O5 Cyclops showed he had about as much fondness for Wolverine as his older counterpart. He optic blasted him the first time he gave him a reason to. So why the fuck would he suddenly fancy Wolverine’s clone daughter? There may actually be some twisted hormonal logic to that. He doesn’t like Wolverine. What could be a better way to pwn him even more than hooking up with his daughter? It’s not enough his older self got to bone Jean Grey. Now he’s going after his daughter. Come to think of it, this is probably the most logical thing Cyclops could do from a teenage hormone perspective.

What also is intriguing is how O5 Jean seems to pick up on this. She doesn’t try and stop him or really get upset, which is saying something considering how she pitched a psychic hissy fit when she sensed O5 Cyclops’s attraction to the Stepford Cuckoos. It could just be something she’s holding in. I don’t think she’s stopped caring who O5 Cyclops is involved with because that would be both OOC and further undermine the space time continuum. And that’s not just my own drunken sentiment. That’s what is hinted at in the issue after this one.

The intent is pretty clear here. X-23 is going to cock-block/pussy-block O5 Jean from O5 Cyclops. It seems fair enough given how she pushed O5 Cyclops away and is flirting with every other member of the team except O5 Iceman, although I’m sure that’s on her to-do list. But in the same way a vindictive ex-girlfriend get upset when she sees her ex hooking up with someone else, it’s going to bother her. And at the same time, it’s going to add more tension to the ongoing drama between O5 Cyclops and O5 Jean Grey.

It’s a plot that I hope Bendis is careful with because as I’ve said before, the Cyclops/Jean relationship by far the most important relationship in the history of the X-men. Tearing them apart isn’t the same as having a teenage Peter Parker break up with a teenage Mary Jane in Ultimate Spider-Man. By destroying the Cyclops/Jean relationship, a whole fuckton of damage happens to the space time continuum and in the post Age of Ultron Marvel universe, that shit just isn’t cool anymore.

For this reason, I don’t think that a hookup between X-23 and O5 Cyclops has a lot of long-term potential. And for another reason, it’s a teenage hookup. There’s a reason why teenage hookups become Shakespearean plays or best-selling books about sparkling vampires. They’re really fucking rare. And given the circumstances for both these characters, I don’t think they’ll be going all Twilight on each other. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be awesomely entertaining. Besides, if we didn’t have teenagers to make fools of themselves, the world would be way too fucking boring. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #15

I know the X-men have always been about confronting stereotypes, but some stereotypes won’t go away no matter how much anyone confronts them. Black men will always be better at basketball and white men will always be worse dancers. Get over it. And while the Rosie O’Donnell’s of the world don’t want to hear it, women love to shop and have a nice girl’s night out. And men are always going to find some way of turning that into a perverse fantasy. Again, get over it. Uncanny X-men #15 has been billed as an issue that offers insight into how the women of Cyclops’s revolution spend an off-night. It’s not their fault they’re spending it at a time when Marvel’s Inhumanity event is creeping into multiple titles. Like getting stuck in traffic with explosive diarrhea, it’s just a matter of bad timing. But it’s still the sexy women of the X-men going shopping and taking a break from fantasizing about Cyclops’s penis. It definitely has plenty of potential for awesome.

But part of that potential doesn’t involve watching Magik meditate. If I want to watch pretty girls sit and stand around for no reason, I’ll peak in on a yoga class. She’s not really into it that much. It’s part of some kind of training that Dr. Strange is giving her. On top of that, this is the Dr. Strange of the past. For some reason, she feels the need to time travel to get help for being a walking demon seed. While I rarely condone time travel outside of Dr. Who or Back to the Future, I guess I can make an exception. Even so, not much happens here other than Dr. Strange reminding her that if a future involves a world that’s intact, then that future doesn’t suck. It’s not unreasonable logic, but it contributes jack shit to the story.

Once she returns, Magik is confronted by Tempus and the Stepford Sisters. They want to go on a girls night out. They even invite O5 Jean Grey along for the ride. Apparently, there isn’t much to do in a secret Weapon X base aside from flirt with teammates and make idiots of themselves in the Danger Room. Plus, they kind of need new clothes. They mention how limited their wardrobe is at this base and for some women, that might as well be as bad as a malignant tumor at the base of their spine.

That’s not as sexist as it sounds, even coming from a drunk like me. It’s purely pragmatic. Normal, practical shit like shopping for clothing is the kind of stuff that gets glossed over in comics in favor of fighting giant robots or watching Tony Stark hook up with beautiful women with green skin. While that kind of menial shit may not make for an epic battle worthy of Michael Bay’s last four movies, it does help humanize these characters. And when these characters can do shit like travel to Limbo, stop time, and read minds that’s kind of a big deal.

Having money is also a big deal because last I checked, people still charged money for clothes. This leads to the second reason why the girls enlisted Magik. They think a demon seed who once took on Dormammu is the only one who could survive waking up Emma Frost. That’s not an unreasonable assumption in the slightest. They don’t have money. She does. For a girls night out and new clothes, they’re willing to risk enraging her. So yeah, they’re pretty fucking desperate. I think their concerns were somewhat eased when they saw Emma Frost sleeping in a position that was probably very convenient for the Cyclopses, Sebastian Shaws, and Namors of the world. It may actually be one of the best panels of the year, at least according to my penis.

But the idea of going shopping on a girl’s night is probably the best request they could have made to Emma. Plus, they need money and she reminds them that she was once the White fucking Queen. She has so much money that she always keeps a big fucking bag of it nearby just in case. She even recruits Kitty Pryde to join them, treating it like a mission because in Emma’s view she is badly in need of some added fashion and O5 Jean is badly in need of protection from the Stepford Sisters. Since I know jack shit about fashion beyond underwear and sweat pants, I’ll gladly yield of Emma Frost’s expertise.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see the girls splurging on overpriced shit or trying on the kind of crazy clothes that wouldn’t be welcome outside Mardi Gras. It just skips right ahead to long after the girls have bought everything they needed and they’re just cruising around London looking for a bite to eat. This was disappointing. Usually, I don’t care to watch beautiful women shop unless they’re in a Victory’s Secret trying on thongs. But I was hoping to see more of these girls bonding because if they can’t bond over shopping with limitless money, then there’s no hope for Cyclops’s revolution. Is that really hoping for too much?

The only bonding they really do is over a quick meal. Tempus talks to O5 Jean about why the Stepford Sisters hate her. And while this does turn into a nice bit of trolling from O5 Jean, it doesn’t really do much more than what was done in All New X-men #19. It establishes some clear conflict between O5 Jean and Celeste, but not much else. There’s no interaction with Emma Frost. There’s no interaction with Magik or Kitty. There’s nothing dramatic or heartfelt about it, which is actually pretty surprising given Brian Michael Bendis’s track record. Not only is it disappointing, it’s way too fucking rushed. It’s like there’s no time to really show them enjoying a girls night out. It basically makes the premise of the whole issue fall flatter than Kristen Stewart’s acting.

So it ends up being even more disappointing when their girls night out is cut short by some commotion outside. It’s not a Sentinel attack. It’s not even a sneak-attack by the Purifiers. But it does attract a bigger crowd than Russell Crow taking a shit in public. Since they’re used to giant robots randomly attacking them, the Stepford Cuckoos cause the crowd to disperse so they can investigate. In addition, they try to figure out what could possibly fuck up an innocent girls night out. O5 Jean reveals it’s part of Global Terrigenesis, which is basically some crazy shit that happened in the current Inhumans storyline.

I’m usually all for greater connections between series in Marvel. Like the lube used in pornos, the cohesiveness of the Marvel universe is part of what makes it awesome. But in this instance, it feels way too fucking random. There’s no hint that the X-men were aware of the shit that had been going on with the Inhumans or that it’s worth interrupting their girls night out. They just investigate as if it were another stray Sentinel and that makes it hard to feel as though this makes the Marvel universe more cohesive. It just gives the impression that whoever organized these connections had really potent weed.

This little anomaly associated with Global Terrigenesis created a crystal cocoon of sorts. It’s sort of like the cocoons in Aliens, minus the face raping aliens. And when it breaks, a new Inhuman emerges who was probably just minding his own business, tweeting pictures of his dick. He looks like Dick Cheney just shot his face up, but he’s not overly hostile at first. He’s a guy. Who could possibly be hostile to a group of attractive young women being led by Emma Frost? Then he finds out that these beautiful women are mutants and just like that his boner disappears faster than the CEO of Goldman Sachs at tax time.

The girls find out that he’s an Inhuman. They find out way too fucking easy, as if Inhumans are as well known to the Marvel heroes as Facebook. Before they can even offer to help, he reveals his disgust towards mutants. The girls don’t take it too personally. They seem to attribute that to him just being a douche while also being from Latveria, which I guess is the Marvel Universe’s equivalent of the Jersey Shore. There’s not much action or conflict. There’s just talking. Boring, uninteresting talking in an effort to not make this guy a new enemy to the mutant race. It still ends up going horribly wrong.

Without much provocation or any interesting conversations, the guy just snaps and uses his new Inhuman powers. And they’re not event at impressive. He just explodes in a giant purple fireball and that somehow knocks everyone out cold. While that may be a pretty potent power, especially for anyone waiting in line to get the new iPhone, it’s pretty fucking dull. It’s almost as dull as the actual encounter between the girls and this lone Inhuman. There’s no charisma or drama like there has been before. There isn’t even a shocking twist of any kind. Once the girls pass out, he doesn’t even try to cop a feel. He passes out as well, AIM and a bunch of nameless associates drop by to take the kid away. That’s about it. It’s as exciting as it sounds. Even a hit of LSD won’t make this very interesting, although the unicorns that appear on the page are always fun.

When they wake up, they’re basically like, “Oh…he’s gone and there are the cops. Oh well. Wonder if my DVR recorded the last episode of the Big Bang Theory?” They don’t really do much with this knowledge once they make the cops go away. They just acknowledge that there’s a sudden surge in Inhumans and that may affect mutants somehow. Again, there’s no sense of drama or foreboding. This whole issue seems less about showing these characters in their more personal moments and more about just informing the X-men that the Inhuman population is on the rise. I’m pretty sure just an email or a random Facebook posting would have been more efficient. The approach in this issue just wasted all the potential that a girls night out with these characters could have realized.

This was an entertaining issue, but in a limited capacity. It was certainly entertaining to see the girls of Cyclops’s revolution interact and talk about things that didn’t relate to Cyclops’s penis. It just didn’t lead to much more than some trolling of the Stepford Cuckoos and some integration with the events of Inhumanity. That’s all well and good, but it’s more of an appetizer rather than a full meal. It’s like light beer at the halftime of a football game. It just isn’t enough. This issue was still a nice change of pace from previous issues, but shit like Magik’s short attention span with Dr. Strange and the limited conversations between the girls as they went out didn’t amount to much. Maybe I was hoping for too much. It’s not like I expected all the girls to get naked, smother themselves in bacon grease, and wrestle each other with their tongues. I reserve that for very special dreams. But I was expecting more and this issue didn’t deliver. I give Uncanny X-men #15 a 5 out of 10. Not much happened, but everything that did happen wasn’t so egregious that it would make someone shit their spine. And that’s really the most we can hope for these days. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: All New X-men #19

Back in high school, I once had to do a group project with a guy whose older sister I boned and in his room no less. He knew it happened. I certainly knew it happened because I kept fighting the urge to yell out "I boned your sister!" the whole time. But it was still an awkward situation and one that made the project all the more difficult. And I fucking hate group projects to begin with. I imagine it's just as awkward for the O5 right now in All New X-men. Not only have they joined Cyclops, the guy they thought murdered the Professor and would cause a full blown mutant genocide. But O5 Cyclops has found out that the love of his life has been swapping spit with other teammates. That's a blow to the heart and a kick to the balls, yet he still has to function on the team while pretending that his brain and penis aren't kicking his ass. So as I review All New X-men #19, I expect it to get awkward, but I don't expect anyone to bone someone's older sister again.

A trip to Miami is one of those trips that can go either way. Someone can either get boned in the best possible way or the worst possible way. There’s a huge difference between banging a couple of European supermodels on South Beach and being beat up by LeBron James in a nightclub. And for one exceedingly unlucky mutant, they might as well be stealing one of LeBron’s championship trophies because they’re being chased by the Purifiers. These people are like the Taliban mixed with creationists mixed with Ted Nugant. They make it so they think God blesses them whenever they kill or horribly maim a mutant. It’s so disgusting it almost makes me think that churches demanding money from their followers, despite not having to pay any taxes, isn’t so bad…almost.

Kitty Pryde and the O5 X-men can’t arrive to kick their asses fast enough. They just got some kick-ass new uniforms so why not break them in a little? They’ve never faced the Purifiers before so they’re probably somewhat surprised when they shoot first and plan to jack off with their entrails later. It forces Kitty Pryde to phase them through the bullets, allowing them to be appropriately shell shocked by what they’re experiencing. But they’re not quite as shell shocked as they probably should be and not just because they know they’ve got Kitty Pryde to protect them from the bullets. They look at these religious nut jobs as if they’re just a bunch of Gears of War cos-players who take their role way too seriously and got into a fight with Halo fans. While I’m willing to attribute this to the O5’s unfamiliarity with the many threats the X-men have faced over the years, the dialog here is weak and somewhat dry.

Actions still speak louder than words and the O5 show once again that despite their youth, they’re pretty damn good in a fight. They took on Hydra, Mystique, and Sabretooth. Taking on the Purifiers should be no more problematic than beating up a bunch of drunken Storm Troopers. Their tactics aren’t too fancy, but they don’t just take Wolverine’s approach and charge head-first into a hail of bullets. They don’t have a healing factor or that much whiskey in their system (that we know of). They manage to occupy the Purifiers while Kitty Pryde goes after the mutant they were harassing. It has the makings of a perfectly choreographed ballet, minus the excessive anorexia.

But while the O5 are competent fighters, they are inexperienced. This shows when O5 Beast manages to get himself hit in a way that will not hurt him anywhere as much as he deserves for his recent bullshit. It’s basically a way of making sure that shit doesn’t come too easy for the O5 X-men. It only works in the sense that it pisses off O5 Jean Grey and when O5 Jean Grey is pissed off, it’s not a fair fight. The Purifiers might as well be baby seals on Dick Cheney’s front lawn. The dialog is still weak, but again the actions speak much louder than words.

While the O5 X-men are handling themselves admirably, Kitty Pryde catches up with the mysterious mutant girl that the Purifiers were using for target practice. Then she makes a startling revelation that really shouldn’t be so startling to anyone who reads comics sober (ie not me). That girl is actually X-23 and for some reason, she claims she’s not a mutant and doesn’t recognize Kitty Pryde. Having not read the final issue of Avengers Arena, I’m left to assume the Purifiers did some really horrific shit to her. It wouldn’t be the first time someone with a healing factor and claws had their memory wiped, but it’s hard to tell from either the situation or the dialog. It’s just clear that X-23 is going to make this shit more difficult than it already is, but she’s a teenage girl. That’s almost a given.

It doesn’t get much more difficult for the O5 X-men though. They continue to handle themselves with a fair amount of competence as they take on the Purifiers. But it isn’t just optic blasts and ice beams. At some point they actually do make an effort to try and learn about these guys and why they think hunting a mutant in the streets of Miami is more important than trying to score tickets to the next Miami Heat game. O5 Angel even points out that their theology is kind of fucked up when he looks like an actual angel and they think he’s an abomination. That would be like calling Scarlett Johansen fat. But in the same way pointing out facts to a creationist does jack shit, O5 Angel can’t convince these guys that God was kind of serious when he gave that “Thoust Shalt Not Kill” commandment. So he does the next best thing and drops his sorry ass. If only someone could do that with Kirk Cameron.

Despite a few hiccups, the O5 X-men are able to subdue the Purifiers. Now the O5 X-men are in a much better position to learn more about these assholes and hopefully teach them why it’s a bad idea to shoot innocent mutants in a crowded city. O5 Cyclops tries at first to play good cop and asks the politely without shooting them with his optic blasts. But since they think God is on their side and he’ll send them to Hell where they’ll have to clean Hitler’s toilet for eternity if they talk, they have a pretty strong incentive to keep their mouth shut. So they go right to O5 Jean Grey, who plays bad cop by peeking into their minds. While she has had a nasty tendency to probe minds without permission, I don’t anybody will have much sympathy for any Purifier who gets mind-fucked.

What O5 Jean Grey sees is really no surprise to any X-men fan or anyone with a Wikipedia app on their smartphone. The Purifiers are just a bunch of religious zealots who use religion to justify violence against mutants in the same way Pat Robertson uses religion to justify his senility. But for O5 Jean, it’s a pretty shocking and pretty disturbing revelation. It’s easy to forget for anyone who has damaged their short-term memory as much as I have that the O5 X-men are still new to this superhero gig, even before they traveled through time. They’ve never faced a threat like the Purifiers. At least the Sentinels didn’t obsessively preach how much God hates them like a Catholic priest with OCD. It’s a jarring yet important discovery for O5 Jean and the O5 X-men, although I suspect O5 Jean is the only one with the urge to throw up.

It would have been easy for O5 Jean to throw another one of her psychic temper tantrums. But by this point, all the shooting and street preaching has attracted the police. They’re a little late to the party so they can be forgiven for not knowing what the fuck is going on. For all they know, this is just a costume party at a nightclub that went horribly wrong. Magik tells them this is their cue to get the fuck out of here. However, O5 Cyclops attempts to placate the situation. He thinks it may be helpful if they tried to help the police in a peaceful, respectable fashion. Apparently, he has never been busted for hiding pot in a bottle of lube at airport security.

It’s actually a pretty interesting moment in that it sets O5 Cyclops apart from his older counterpart, who actually attacked a police station earlier in the series. He still doesn’t quite understand that he’s technically an outlaw and the police aren’t exactly reacting to a surge in the mutant population with donuts and coffee. He’s still trying to handle a situation peacefully, which in this day and age is a pretty novel concept. It’s respectable, even if it is a little stupid. Nobody should be surprised in the slightest when one of the cops tries to shoot him and doesn’t even have the courtesy to claim he has a gun. Magik teleports them out before they could defuse the situation, but it’s still an important distinction between what the O5 are doing and what Cyclops is doing.

Once back at the New Xavier School, they finally have a moment to process what they just encountered. It’s another interesting and important moment. Now they finally allow themselves to be a little shell shocked. And Magik allows herself to be a little pissed at O5 Cyclops when he didn’t understand the simple concept of getting the fuck away when the cops show up packing guns. But what resonates with them even more was the threat posed by the Purifiers. These are not like the Sentinels they faced or even their evil future selves in X-men Battle of the Atom. These are zealous assholes who have no problem snapping the neck of innocent mutants and shitting on their corpses. It’s a lot to take in for a bunch of teenage X-men, especially when they’re trying to keep Charles Xavier’s dream alive.

The impact is definitely greater on O5 Jean Grey, who actually had to read the thoughts of one of these assholes. I imagine it would be like sleeping in Jerry Sandusky’s basement for a night during a full moon on Friday the 13^th. She has already had her share of emotional upheavals, but those upheavals aren’t really touched on that much. This is more about her and the rest of the O5 realizing that there are more psychic mutant-hating assholes in the world than they ever expected. It’s like any other teenager learning that sex is much more complicated and messy than porn had led them to believe.

While the O5 X-men are dealing with these very uncomfortable realizations, Kitty Pryde has her own encounter with the cops. To their credit, they don’t just threaten to shoot first and honor the 5^th amendment later. Kitty Pryde tries to reason with them as well, but it’s X-23 who ends up being difficult. To get her out of an already stressful situation, she phases her into the sewer. She’s already in a pretty shitty state of mind so Kitty probably figures she won’t mind being in another shitty environment. But it’s here where the extent of the damage done to her becomes more apparent. In addition to not wanting to be touched, she reveals that something fucked her up so bad that she went bald and her face now looks like Hugh Hefner’s nutsack. It’s disturbing, but provides further justification for her attitude. There’s still no clue as to what happened to her, but since she’s shown swapping spit with O5 Cyclops on the cover of the next issue, it’s a given that she’ll get over it pretty damn quickly.

At the very least, I can say that nobody became more or less inclined to bone anyone. After all the melodrama and relationship fodder in the previous issue, this issue took a more simplistic approach. It had a bunch of teenage superheroes in skin-tight outfits beat the shit out of a bunch of heavily armed religious zealots. It’s the kind of shit that brings tears of joy to Richard Dawkins’ eyes. It also effectively introduced X-23 into the pages of All New X-men. While it isn’t clear how the fuck she ended up bald and with no memory, it’ll ensure she’ll be pretty fucked up once she joins the All New X-men. And I guess being fucked up is all that’s necessary to kiss Cyclops. His penis is just that powerful, even as a teenager.

There’s a lot to like about this issue, but it fell flat and was a bit disorganized at times. So I give All New X-men #19 a 7 out of 10. It’s like a burger without bacon, relish, and hot sauce. It’s good, but not awesome. I’m hoping that X-23 can provide the extra bacon needed to make All New X-men as awesome as it deserves to be. Nuff said!