Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 - Unchanging Awesome

Getting comic book fans to agree on anything to a large degree is a lot like trying to teach evolution to Pat Roberson. You're bound to get obscenely frustrated and probably make yourself dumber in the process. But every now and then, something does unite a certain segment of comic book fans in a way you won't get outside a group of PETA supporters trying to rescue a crate of baby seals from underneath an overturned truck. Avengers vs. X-men did a lot to pit comic fans against one another. Hell, I'm convinced that if Marvel could find a way to force fans into covering their bodies in peanut butter and fighting live bears in an arena in addition to buying their comics, I'm sure they would do it. But in the end that division led to a few profound realizations amidst the terrible storytelling that no sober mind could possibly conjure. It led us all to realize that Cyclops is the man with the plan and while may be a douche that gets to regularly put his penis into the hottest telepaths in comics, he's often vindicated in the long run.

This has given rise to the whole Cyclops was right movement. Sure, the Avengers came out of Avengers vs. X-men smelling like the Virgin Mary's vagina, but that doesn't change the inescapable fact that they were dead wrong and epic dumbasses over the course of the fight. If they had their way, the Phoenix Force would have torched the whole planet (see X-Sanction if you think that's just the bias conclusion of an admitted drunk) and the entire mutant species would have been doomed. They would either have had to spend the rest of their lives sucking Cyclops's dick to apologize or just shrug their shoulders and act like even bigger assholes. But despite all the bullshit that transpired in Avengers vs. X-men, most of which the Avengers were directly responsible for, Cyclops was right about the Phoenix kick starting the mutant race. And what was his reward? He got thrown in fucking jail. That and killed Professor Xavier by accident, but fuck if that guy wasn't asking for it by taking on the Phoenix all by himself and doing everything possible to piss it off.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences follows Cyclops and the rest of the Marvel universe as they recover, but mostly it focuses on how much Cyclops's life in prison sucks ass. In the past four issues we've seen various major players in Avengers vs. X-men make sense of this new world where mutants aren't endangered and Cyclops is a criminal for being right. At times, it's been somewhat narrow. Hell, for most of this series, you could just call it, "The shit that happens to Cyclops and the team he used to save the fucking world." I get that it's probably too much to ask to cover every corner of the Marvel universe in the aftermath of a big event in just a five-issue mini, but this mini took a critical turn at the end of the last issue.

From the beginning of this little aftermath series, Cyclops has been committed to taking full responsibility for his actions. He's allowed himself to be imprisoned, despite getting some secret help from Agent Brand at SWORD and a still at-large Magneto. He's prepared to spend the rest of his days protecting the integrity of his asshole, playing the part of a martyr for the mutant race and requesting that he be buried face down in his grave so the Avengers (and Wolverine) can kiss his ass. But then in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4, a very dramatic event prompted him to say, "Fuck this! There's still work to be done and my asshole isn't going to get any less vulnerable!" A newly manifested mutant, who happened to be a prisoner that Cyclops befriended, was murdered right in front of him and the guards at the prison handled it with the same urgency as Rush Limbaugh has to losing weight. Even though mutants are back from extinction, they're in a world that's determined to shank them and piss on their corpses for shits and giggles. And he just can't have that.

Avengers vs. Consequences #5, the final issue of this mini, begins with Magneto preparing to comply with the order given to him by Cyclops at the end of the previous issue. Breaking him out of jail at a time when the Avengers are supremely pissed off at him is tricky, but Magneto has just the right tools for the job and one of those tools has great tits. Danger, who was essentially relieved of her duty as prison guard on Utopia by Unit has decided to help out along with Magik, who most likely just got bored fucking with Colossus and Storm. It's their job to get Cyclops out before the Avengers and X-men team up again and reinforce each others' douche-baggery. In the Marvel universe, we call this kind of shit every other Tuesday.

Something else that happens every other Thursday is Hope Summers being an annoying little brat. I know I seem to dedicate a good chunk of my blog and a good bit of my stash of blow towards describing all the ways in which Hope is a useless Jean Grey rip-off that deserves to be utterly nullified from existence, but it's a point worth reinforcing. After deciding in the first issue of Consequences that she wanted to give a normal life a change, she once again said "Fuck it, I'm going back on that shit" in the same way she went back on the X-men when they tried to protect her ass in Avengers vs. X-men. The Avengers catch up with her, who now know that whenever Hope is left to her own devices really bad shit happens. They find out she's been looking for Cable and finding new ways to make herself come off as a bitch. Because with her there's never enough. Not much is really said here other than the Avengers are worried and they had to go to great lengths to find her. Like Hope Summers herself, this development is useless until the Avengers get word there's a prison riot going on and it doesn't involve a fucking hunger strike.

Knowing that the Avengers are probably not too keen on letting Cyclops escape, Magneto and what's left of the Extinction Team descend on the prison with the subtlety of monster truck being driven by Lindsey Lohan. Armed with Magik's teleportation powers and her Facebook friends in Limbo, she tears some holes in that prison that no sodomy joke could ever appropriately describe. It's not very flashy. Hell, they don't really break a sweat. They might as well be twiddling their thumbs and playing Angry Birds while Magik's buddies do all the work while Cyclops waits patiently for his ride.

He doesn't have to wait for very long either. He's as calm as Tom Brady in an orgy of supermodels as Magneto busts down a few walls and Danger frees him of that ridiculous helmet he's been forced to wear. There's not much in terms of resistance. We're left to assume the underpaid prison guards just started shitting themselves and ran or were so ill-equipped to handle the attack that they Magik just took them out while Magneto was waving his dick in their faces. Again, it's not very flashy and not very detailed. The focus is on freeing Cyclops, but it's not enough to just get him out of jail. Cyclops, having adopted this new fuck-the-world-and-my-old-boy-scout-image mentality, has to make a statement first.

The last issue left a significant impact on Cyclops. After finding out that one of his fellow prisoners was a mutant, befriending him, and watching him get murdered in front of his eyes, he decided that shit just can't stand. Now armed with a career supervillain, a killer robot AI with tits, and a crazy teenage mutant girl who had her soul gang-banged in Limbo he's in a position to do the very un-Christian thing and get back. He starts by taking the prisoners responsible for the mutant's death and letting Magik send them on an all-expense-paid trip to Limbo where their assholes will be ravaged in ways that no prison will ever match. Then he addresses the warden who was profiting from this shitty excuse for a prison and jerking off while mutants were murdered. He doesn't kill him. He just makes it clear that he's not going to get away with shit like this unscathed.

Now stop for a moment and listen. Do you hear that? That's the sound of every Cyclops-hater taking to the internet and bitching about how he's the new Magneto and how he's now a villain. Well in this case there's not much ambiguity. Cyclops is carrying himself as the kind of guy that would have a beer with Magneto and not favor peaceful solutions to human/mutant conflict. But in this context, it makes sense because Cyclops just witnessed in the previous issue what a new generation of mutants is facing. There are a lot of crazy assholes out there who are more inclined to kill mutants rather than embrace them. And Xavier's old philosophy of peace just isn't going to work with them. While Cyclops is pretty badass, he's not very Cyclops-like. And maybe that's the point of this scene and this series as a whole. The events of Avengers vs. X-men have created a very different Cyclops. He's not Magneto, but he's not Xavier either. He's just a guy who has a big fucking problem with people who get boners from killing mutants.

The Avengers eventually do arrive on the scene, but like Bristol Palin after a camping trip with her boyfriend they're late. Not much happens here other than cleaning up the rubble and some light head-scratching as to why Cyclops would be inclined to escape after being so thoroughly screwed over by the events of Avengers vs. X-men. It's not very exciting, but it does play up the melodrama a bit more when Wolverine finds the warden. Apparently, Cyclops had him scarred with a badass X on the face that probably won't get him laid outside a biker bar. He also gave him a letter to give to Wolverine, which essentially said, "Fuck being the better man. That's your job now you Avenger-loving, wife-stealing, hard-drinking, excessively hairy midget. Someone needs to keep mutants from being killed and it sure as hell ain't going to be use. PS: I still got to fuck Jean Grey and you didn't. Just thought I would remind you." Cyclops's words might have been a little nicer, but I think that nicely sums it up.

The implications of Cyclops escaping and reforming the Extinction Team are pretty fucking big. What's not so big...Hope Summers whining about her daddy issues when her daddy has clearly stated that off is the general direction in which he wanted her to fuck for the time being. Well after she takes a breather from running around like a drunk monkey with a boner, Cable eventually finds her. Not much is said. Hell, not much is even implied. He just tells her that it's his job to look out for her and not the other way around. She should stop being a little bitch and listen to the people that care about her. But we all know that she's not going to do that.

I'm really not sure what the point of Hope's little non-journey was in Consequences. Once again, she says she's going to do something, but changes her mind as soon as she remembers that she doesn't give a damn about the people who sacrifice for her messianic ass. She finally meets up with Cable, but what the fuck does that do other than show she's more desperate for attention than Honey Boo Boo? Avengers vs. X-men gave me and many others a nearly infinite number of reasons to despite this pissant little brat. And this mini just adds to them. While it's already been announced that Hope will be featured in the new Cable and X-Force series, this scene really doesn't do shit to indicate or even tease what her role will be. And that's probably for the better because the sooner Hope can be in the line of fire of people who want her dead, the better.

A much more important precedent is set by Cyclops and his reformed Extinction Team now. We already know from the overly spoiled previews of All New X-men that Cyclops will be on the loose and giving his old friends at the Jean Grey Institute plenty of headaches. This issue and the final scene nicely demonstrate why. Now that mutants are no longer in danger, someone has to be the asshole that fights back against the people that would want to kill them. Cyclops is ready to be that asshole with Magneto and Magik by his side. Magneto claims everything is different after the shit that went down in Avengers vs. X-men. But Cyclops says otherwise. He just asks "What has changed?" I'm pretty sure the implied response is jack shit.

It's not an unreasonable question to ask. Really, what has changed? Did the Avengers accomplish anything by throwing his ass in prison and admitting that they were assholes for not paying more attention to all the ways mutants were getting fucked? Avengers vs. X-men, while being a wondrous source of bullshit and bile, did accomplish one important change that may or may not qualify as a change. It undid the Scarlet Witch's M-Day spell so that mutants could re-populate the Earth like the Duggers in heat. But is that really a change or is that just putting shit back to the way it was? I'm too drunk to get philosophical so I won't try to rationalize it. I'll only say that this comic and this glorious little mini-series served as a nice kick in the balls for the Marvel universe. It essentially reminded them that humans still hate mutants and will jump at the chance to fuck with them, regardless of what the Avengers try to do to placate them. Cyclops knows this and rather than putting his asshole at risk and staying in jail, he decides to skip the whole suck-the-ACLU's-dick-for-a-decent-lawyer part of the justice system and parole himself. It's not just badass. Hell, this shit is necessary in a Marvel universe with a fresh influx of mutants and an abundance of humans ready to shit themselves!

It's this kind of setup that helps make Avengers vs. X-men Consequences even better than Avengers vs. X-men itself. It actually fucking tries to make sense of the fucked up circumstances you find in a comic book world where people have superpowers and people who don't have superpowers act immeasurably stupid in response. It may not sound like much, but Kieron Gillen seemed to put more effort into five issues than anyone of Marvel's big guns did when they wrote Avengers vs. X-men. While I won't say that Gillen effectively cleaned the shit stains left on the Marvel universe left by the event, I will say he left it clean enough to take future stains if necessary.

While the end of this mini was immensely satisfying for those who wanted to see how Cyclops was going to react to being screwed over on a cosmic scale in Avengers vs. X-men, it wasn't very satisfying to anyone else. Hell, this whole series could have been called "Shit that happened to Cyclops" and it would have fit perfectly. Aside from the bullshit and utterly inconsequential side-plot with Hope Summers, this series really didn't cover much of anything. It lightly touched on the rest of the Extinction Team, but just barely. Hell, some were only in a few pages before being forgotten faster than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So while the series set the stage nicely for Cyclops's team in All New X-men, it didn't do much else.

It's that narrow focus that is the biggest weakness for this book. It was supposed to be the aftermath for Avengers vs. X-men as a whole and not just Cyclops. The shit the Avengers have to deal with was ignored or forgotten. The shit with the Jean Grey Institute was barely mentioned. Hell, this series was the comic book equivalent to tunnel vision and you didn't even need to huff an obscenely unsafe volume of laughing gas. While the narrow story it focuses on is very nicely done, it leaves a fuckton of unresolved issues that don't give this issue or this series the sense of a good aftermath comic. But for succeeding in a very important way while hitting just the right level of melodrama without getting too Twilight-ish, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #5 a 3.5 out of 5. Cyclops is free. His asshole is intact. He's given the finger to Wolverine and is supremely pissed off at the human race for not giving a fuck when innocent mutants are killed. Be afraid, human bigots and registered Tea Party members! Be very afraid! Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 - Villainous Badass Awesome

There are some world class drunks out there (like yours truly) that don't need a whole lot of excuses to get wasted. But some of those excuses are pretty fucking stupid in the grand scheme of things. When a guy gets fired from his job after his house is foreclosed upon because he spent too much money on a Brazilian stripper named Coochie Mocha, he's more than justified in getting shit faced. But when your name is Tony Stark, you have billions to your name, and you can build an army of robot Pamela Andersons to cater to your every perverse fantasy, you have no excuse. There was actually a time when Iron Man was a world class drunk in Marvel comics. He's not the first comic book character to struggle with real world addiction, but he was by far the least believable.

Iron Man's movies may be as awesome as Scarlett Johansen's rack, but in the comics he's about as sympathetic as Mitt Romney pleading for food stamps. He may claim to be sober, but I refuse to believe that some of the shit he did in Avengers vs. X-men wasn't the result of some mind-altering substance that just doesn't show up in piss tests. Only a drunk could determine that the best way to deal with the looming threat of the Phoenix Force was to shoot it with a big ass gun. And only a drunk would pretend that he was too fucked up to take any level of responsibility for shit that he caused. But Iron Man has faced absolutely zero scrutiny for his role in Avengers vs. X-men, just as he faces zero scrutiny for the shit he did in Civil War (thanks to a bullshit retcon). As such, I scorn him on behalf of all us honest drunks.

In both Avengers vs. X-men and the ongoing Consequences mini, Iron Man is still walking around as if he played no part in the bullshit surrounding the Phoenix. He didn't seem to give a damn when Cyclops was thrown in jail and he didn't get any shit from Captain America for his gizmos being responsible. He also pretends to have a new appreciation for the mystical aspects of life. There's a term for that as well. It's called being fucked up out of your mind, leaving no doubt that he was smoking something in Avengers vs. X-men. But I doubt Marvel will ever admit to it.

Whatever shit Iron Man is on, there's no indication he's sobered up. Cyclops, who we found out in the previous issue was working a plan with Magneto on the outside, is still taking all the accountability for what happened with the Phoenix even though he's only partially responsible at best. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 continues by having Tony Stark pay a visit and not for a conjugal visit in the women's prison either. He's still high from his Joseph Smith style religious experience, but unlike Joseph Smith it isn't a complete fraud. He expresses a desire to understand the Phoenix while still deflecting responsibility for his role in fucking it up and having Cyclops take the blame. Whether out of boredom or pity, Cyclops humors his curiosity. There's really no indication here as to what Tony hopes to gain or why the fuck he's not taking responsibility like a good recovering alcoholic should. Either he's drinking again or he gave the finger to Alcoholics Anonymous. Either way, he's still a dick.

Whereas Iron Man's latest non-alcoholic obsession does nothing for the story other than remind readers of what a dick he is, there are other parts of the story that help actually move things forward. In the first issue of this mini, Captain America said he suspected that someone with a lot of access and too much free time was helping the Extinction Team. Unlike the CIA's suspicions about Iraq, this actually proves accurate because someone who definitely has that kind of access is Agent Brand of SWORD. She worked closely with the Extinction Team in the pages of Uncanny X-men. So it makes such perfect sense that she would be the one to help them that you feel like you were lobotomized in your sleep for not thinking of it. Apparently, she's been coordinating with Magneto because she's of the opinion that the Avengers and the X-men intent on sucking their dicks for approval aren't going to do what needs to be done for this new influx of mutants. Since she admits she's also a mutant, she decides to roll the dice with the Extinction Team. While she may be fucking Beast at the moment, her willingness to give the finger to both the Avengers and the X-men earns her plenty of points in my book.

So by now, we've caught up with every member of the Extinction Team except one. Of all the members that were forgotten faster than Vanilla Ice's movie career, Namor definitely got shafted the most. After he laid waste to Wakanda and set the stage for the glorious breakup of Storm and Black Panther, he was barely mentioned and never even seen. Well now that he's on the collective shit list for both Wakanda and the Avengers, he's been lying low. That's understandable, but still a dick move. Apparently, he's been hanging out in the old ruins of Utopia, which have since been shot to shit. This happens to be where Hope, everyone's least favorite rip-off bratty bitch, decides to travel to track down Cable. It makes about as much sense as the rest of the bullshit she's done outside of betraying the X-men. But I guess I've come to expect that from her.

But despite Hope's annoying presence and incessent intent on making everyone hate her, there's a nice moment to be enjoyed here. Hope goes out of her way to ask Namor what the fuck he was thinking when he laid waste to Wakanda. I imagine it's akin to asking someone what the fuck they were thinking when they fought that transvestite hooker over a half-eaten hot dog on a cocaine bender. But Namor basically describes how the Phoenix fucked him up and showed that being the king of Atlantis with access to all the hot mermaid pussy he wanted just didn't amount to jack shit in the grand scheme of things. Nothing else really comes of this other than Hope being an annoying bitch and Namor discussing why he took his sexual frustrations over Emma Frost out on Wakanda. But at least we finally get to see what the fuck he's been doing since the Avengers vs. X-men shit hit the fan.

Namor's handling of the events of Avengers vs. X-men is at least twenty seven times more mature than Colossus. In this series, he's developed the kind of hatred for his sibling that couldn't be matched outside the Baldwin family. Now free from the Cytorakk influence and made to feel like an ass for helping his sister, he's basically become one of those creepy hermits who lives in a cave, minus the occasionally spying on children at playgrounds. Storm, who received a message about Colossus's location courtesy of Magik in the last issue, paid him a visit. Since she's nowhere near the asshole that the Avenger strive to be, she doesn't turn him in. She just tries to talk to him. Colossus only tells her to fuck off and leave him alone in the most polite way possible. Of all the members of the Extinction Team, you gotta feel sorry for him the most. He went out of his way to save his sister and all along she was just fucking with him. That's like a homeless man finding out that the stray dog he's been taking care of was a stuffed animal all along. It's tough shit.

But Colossus isn't the only one Storm visits. After she's done chatting, she encounters Magneto. Now in nearly every other era of X-men, when Storm is on the same page as Magneto it's usually accompanied with a violent battle that involves magnetism and F5 tornadoes. But for a time, these two actually worked side-by-side during their days on the Extinction Team. I admit it always felt awkward, like having a pot head manage your stock portfolio. You know it couldn't last, but it was fun while it did and made work a shit ton more interesting. Storm and Magneto have what may be their last civil conversation. Storm tries to convince him that he can still be a good guy, but Magneto makes it clear that good guys don't make progress in this world. To get shit done, you need to be a little bit of an asshole of a villainous kind and that's something that he's willing to do that the Avengers are too chicken shit to try.

There's tension everywhere it seems. Siblings now want to kill each other and former allies are too fucked up to do anything. But some elements of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences have taken an approach that probably wouldn't make an episode of Jerry Springer. In the last issue, Cyclops met up with a fellow prisoner named Jake who happened to be a mutant. He was no Magneto. He was a dipshit burglar who happened to be among those who got mutant powers after the events of Avengers vs. X-men. Rather than whine about how he's going to be hated and feared, he actually made friends with Cyclops and expressed a desire to make his life better. Hell, he even got an X-men tattoo. He sounds like the kind of guy you want to have your back in prison and not in a way that will lead to severe rectal trauma.

Unfortunately, Cyclops doesn't get the chance to become prison buddies with this guy. In the previous issue, a bunch of other prisoners with poor impulse control and no fresh anuses to sodomize tried to shank Jake and Cyclops. They failed miserably. But this time, they succeeded in attacking Jake. Cyclops tries to help him, but the guards don't let him this time. Instead, they just subtly laugh their asses off and use his collar to shock him so he can't save the guy. It's a sad end to the most lovable prisoner since Tony Montana. But it has a strong impact and one that sends a message that goes beyond why you shouldn't give prisoners tooth brushes and nothing better to do with their time.

While Cyclops is left reeling by this latest injustice on top of the massive amounts of shit already piled on top of him, Wolverine pays another visit. To this point the only things his visits have accomplishes is making him an even bigger asshole than before. Maybe he's had time to sober up or maybe he's finally stopped drinking shitty light beer, but he actually comes off as decent this time. He finally tells Cyclops that he believes that he didn't mean to kill the Professor when he was fucked up on the Phoenix Force. He also has a very nice bromance moment where he tells him that while he may hate his guts for what he did in Avengers vs. X-men and for having access to Jean Grey's pussy, he still respects him and still thinks he can be the better man. Whether he's trying to dissuade him from this stupid martyr gig or trying to dissuade him from getting back at the prisoners who killed Jake, he sends a clear message.

However, I don't think Wolverine expected Cyclops to respond to that message by secretly contacting Magneto. In the previous issue, he revealed that he had been keeping in touch with him as part of some sort of plan. At the time, the plan didn't involve him being busted out of jail. Well after seeing how the world is treating new mutants like Jake and how few fucks people like the Avengers seem to give, he changes that plan. He's prepared to give a big middle finger to the justice system and allow Magneto to break his ass out. On behalf of everyone who has ever gotten a bullshit parking ticket, I say fuck yes!

The word badass and villain is thrown around a lot like herpes on the Jersey Shore. Marvel has done a great deal to blur those lines over the years, whether it's with their stories or with their characters. It's an inescapable fact of comics. If most of these characters existed in real life, we would think they were complete assholes. Tony Stark flies around in an Iron Man suit and doesn't share that shit with anyone. Wolverine is a drunken, sex-crazed dick with anger management issues. Fuck, if I want that I'll visit my cousin in Texas (if he hasn't broken parole). But every now and then, Marvel walks that fine line in a way that even if a character existed in real life you would be inclined to say, "Fuck yeah! Someone get this guy a beer and a hooker!" The end scene with Cyclops accomplished this feat in the best possible way.

This issue helped tie up a few more loose ends that were not addressed in the previous issue. With only one issue left, the mysteries are falling to the wayside in favor of setting the stage for All New X-men and all the rest of Marvel's overhyped relaunch that they'll never admit to being overhyped. We already knew Cyclops was going to bust out of jail, if for no other reason than to ensure the sanctity of his anus for mutant kind. But this issue actually presented an even better reason for him bust out if his asshole wasn't good enough. The death of that prisoner mutant, Jake, effectively conveyed the message that rotting in a prison cell isn't going to solve the problems mutants now face in the post Avengers vs. X-men world. And since the Avengers and his fellow X-men can't be bothered to deal with it, Cyclops needs to flex his nuts again. You couldn't give the man better motivation without serving it on Emma Frost's tits and Jean Grey's pussy.

Nearly everything in this issue fit together nicely. However, it did drag a bit at times. The whole notion of Iron Man wanting to understand the Phoenix seemed about as pointless as Mitt Romney's position on welfare reform. And while every scene involving Hope Summers is akin to smearing horse diarrhea on the page, her conversation with Namor amounted to less than Donald Trump's prenup. While there's definitely the potential for these scenes to expand in the final issue, they didn't really give much reasons for the reader to give half a shit about them.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is largely a transition series meant to bridge the gap between Avengers vs. X-men and Marvel NOW! As such, it has to wade through the river of shit carved by Avengers vs. X-men and somehow mask the stench. The first few issues did an admirable job, but the past two have taken it to some badly needed levels of awesome. While Avengers vs. X-men will always suck, the way in which Marvel is moving forward from it doesn't have to. I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #4 a 4 out of 5. Now if I can get serious for a moment, let's all have a moment of silence for Jake, the imprisoned dip-shit burglar who didn't stand a chance. Rest in Peace, Jake! May your last breath be accompanied by an intact asshole. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 - Rehabilitating Awesome

I've been accused of being pretty damn arrogant in the past. I've also been accused of being forgetful. Every now and then I'll black out at a bar, wake up on the floor of my kitchen with my pants around my ankles and mustard smeared on my anus, and get a call from some random woman that claims I shaved her dog and drew dicks all over him with permanent marker. But at least when that woman shows me her dog with a giant dong drawn right over the tail, I admit that I was fucked up and someone was stupid enough to let me borrow their electric razor and a permanent marker. I don't just ignore that shit and claim it was someone who just looked as drunk as I do. I've come across one too many state troopers to know that excuse is bullshit. I make no exceptions for comic book characters either. Sure, they're fictional. But it doesn't give them an excuse to be arrogant assholes.

Anyone who saw the first Iron Man movie would never claim that Tony Stark is Mother Theresa. Hell, if arrogance was a disease, this guy would be fucking quarantined on his own moon. But he's usually pretty good at about shrugging his shoulders when he fucks up. Recovering alcoholics at least try to do that in between withdraw symptoms and insomnia. But in Avengers vs. X-men, Iron Man's arrogance took on a Freudian level of bullshit. This guy actually thought that it was a good idea to deal with a cosmic force by shooting it with a big ass gun. That would be like me saying at a bar, "Too many shots of tequila may kill me? Fuck, someone get tank! That ought to fix this shit!" Anyone who has any experience with tequila (may Galactus have mercy on your soul) knows why that shit is a bad idea.

Iron Man's so-called solution for the Phoenix Force was a bad idea for the exact same reason. Yet has anyone called him out on his shit? Fuck no! He's never even acknowledged that maybe he fucked up in causing the Phoenix Five fiasco in the first place. No one, Avengers or X-men, has even tenderized his ass for basically preventing something that ended up being the right thing after all. Hell, even he reached that conclusion in Avengers vs. X-men #12 when he conceded that the Phoenix needed to merge with Hope. But at no point did he admit he was wrong or full of shit or take any responsibility for what happened.

In the end, all that shit was lumped on Cyclops and he came out smelling the worst. Yet he was right. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 nicely articulated this when he pretty much gave Wolverine the finger and proclaimed that he did the right thing while Wolverine came dangerously close to fucking everything up. He accepts responsibility for what happened to Xavier and for all the destruction. But he doesn't regret it. And why should he? He saved a whole fucking species and created a worldwide utopia. Some shit you need to apologize for. You take a piss on your buddy's boot, you fess up. But saving a species and creating a utopia? Fuck, you deserve a free blowjob from all the hookers in Vegas for that.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has only slightly explored these details that Avengers vs. X-men shrugged off in the same way George W. Bush shrugs off illegal torture. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 continues that exploration with Tony Stark as he lends a hand in rebuilding K'un L'un. But does he mention at all that it was his alcoholic ass that split the Phoenix, led to the Phoenix Five, and the destruction that followed? Fuck no! He just talks about how awesome it was to finally walk that fine line between science and magic. Because like a creationist, science is hard. It's just easier to believe in crazy shit. It helps distract you from the bullshit your guilty of that everyone else seems to have forgotten. It's a pretty worthless scene that only amounts to Iron Man saying goodbye to K'un L'un and returning to rebuild the world that he indirectly helped fuck up yet isn't in jail for.

Iron Man has it easy. All he had to do was just believe crazy magical shit. For Cyclops, all the crazy beliefs in Texas wouldn't save his ass. At the end of the previous issue, he found himself at the business end of an improvised shank made by a guy twice his size who looks only slightly less menacing than Wolverine when he's hung-over. Anyone else in that situation would probably be able to forge a diamond out of coal from their clenched asshole, but Cyclops isn't just anyone. He's fucking Cyclops! His skills go far beyond controlling his optic blasts and giving multiple orgasms to the likes of Jean Grey and Emma Frost. He can also fight. He can fight well enough to beat the shit out of a bunch of prison thugs with too much free time, no women, and poor impulse control. I'm not sure if this counts as another instance of him giving the finger to Wolverine and the Avengers, but fuck standards! I'm counting it anyways!

But Cyclops isn't the only one in jail because of the shit storm that was Avengers vs. X-men. It's barely been mentioned in a few passing speech bubbles, but Emma Frost ended up behind bars as well. Because apparently it's a crime to have cosmic power, make the world a global utopia, and look inhumanly sexy. But her situation as well as her relationships with the rest of the team have been completely ignored. Hell, she hasn't even talked to anybody with her usual wit and lurid subtext for much of the Avengers vs. X-men aftermath. Well we finally get to hear from her and I'm proud to say that one thing I learned from prison porn turned out to be true. You can masturbate to a woman in prison garb.

Being in prison still hasn't hurt Emma Frost's edge. She engages in a brief conversation with Kitty Pryde. Unfortunately, it doesn't vindicate some of my other beliefs about prison porn, but if you close your eyes and use your imagination I figure you can still masturbate to it. As expected, Emma has no remorse for what she did. She just tells Kitty, who only shows a tiny hint of sympathy, that she regrets that new mutants won't be able to learn from her. Because somehow young mutants can only learn from someone with the capacity and willingness to use her boobs as often as her mind. I'm not going to argue with it. I'll just say it's a great scene that adds some long overdue context to Emma's assessment of her situation. Some issues remain clear. The status of her relationship with Cyclops wasn't addressed, but there was a hint that she may not be inclined to let him see her naked anymore. Then again, if I had a nickle for every woman that called me stupid, I would own every cocaine factory in Columbia by now.

Her sensual grit aside, Emma Frost did bring up one important issue. There's a whole new generation of mutants emerging because of what happened in Avengers vs. X-men. We actually met one of those mutants in the previous issue. Cyclops's cell mate, whose powers manifested while he was still in prison for planning a burglary as well as Todd Akin prepares for a gynecological exam, happens to be a mutant. After seeing Cyclops beat the shit out of a bunch of prisoners with his asshole intact, he's understandably intrigued. Cyclops actually talks to him about doing something with his powers. He even refers him to Wolverine's school. Again, I'm counting that as another middle finger to Wolverine. But moreover, he further explains why he has no regrets. It's because new mutants are emerging once again that guys like this failed criminal have a chance to be something more, be it a hero or a guy who ends up going batshit and killing his mentor. It adds a greater insight into how Cyclops is coping with this new world. And it makes him all the more awesome yet he didn't have to bone Emma Frost to do it. Need I say more?

Cyclops's awesome may be undeniable, but SHIELD and the Avengers are struggling with logistics like every other government agency that ever existed. Wolverine returns from his visit with Cyclops to report that not only did he get no information from Cyclops, but he got the size of his balls reduced by more than two thirds. The Avengers and SHIELD are basically stuck at a dead end. They know someone is helping Cyclops and the Extinction Team, but they have no fucking clue how to find out. It leads Maria Hill and Captain America to question whether Wolverine really knows how loyal his team is. Being a drunk womanizer with a tendency to juggle multiple superhero teams, it's not too crazy to think that maybe someone is pulling some shit behinds his back. It's a disturbing possibility for them, but an awesome possibility for the reader.

That possibility may or may not manifest with Magik, who finally pissed her brother off enough to make him want to snap her neck if they're ever in the same time zone. There's a memory of how much I pissed off one of my old teachers by posting pictures of his gay porn career in the school cafeteria, but I'll save that for another review. After prettying must cutting ties with her brother, Magik has clearly found some other means of occupying her time. She appears to Storm at the Jean Grey Institute telling her she knows where Colossus is. Does this mean she's the one operating behind the scenes? Or does it mean Storm is? SHIELD wants to arrest Colossus as well. Yet Storm doesn't seem to be in too great a hurry. It's vague, but it's a scene that has so many possibilities and I'm not just talking about the femslash fanfiction I know some fans are going to write for this scene.

Unfortunately, there are far fewer possibilities for the little redheaded rip-off character that Avengers vs. X-men turned into the most annoyingly bratty pissant since Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I'm talking about Hope fucking Summers. I know I've given her a lot of shit on this blog, but I maintain that I don't even give her a fraction of what she deserves. Because of her Mitt Romney-style flip-flopping, the events of Avengers vs. X-men were both royally fucked up and her likability fell apart faster than downtown Detroit. This little bitch has no redeeming qualities. Yet after the events of Avengers vs. X-men where she betrayed the people who sacrificed everything for her and shrugged her shoulders when others were sent to jail for that shit, all she wanted to do was live a normal life. Yeah, well after I was found naked in ball pit, I would love to go back to a McDonald's with a play house but that shit ain't happening.

In one of the least coherent scenes of this issue, we find out that somehow Hope managed to enroll in some fancy private school that isn't the Jean Grey Institute. She's basically a school girl in a Harry Potter-like uniform pretending to be a normal girl that fucks over anyone who sacrifices for her. She muses about how much school sucks and how much fitting in sucks. Well here's a news flash you little shit, you don't need to survive an apocalyptic future to figure that out! She's whined about damn near everything else so it's no surprise when she whines about this. Unfortunately, she's not going to be a character that Marvel just sweeps under the rug like a pile of dog shit on your grandmother's living room floor. She wants to find Cable, who apparently got sick of her bratty ass and ditched her in an earlier issue. But being the little rip-off character, she can't take a fucking hint and decides to go looking for him. With any luck, she'll get shot or contract an incurable rectal itch. I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but there was no fucking explanation for how she joined this fancy school and since she's already back to defying the wishes of everyone who cares about her it felt like a pretty pointless scene.

There's much more mystery surrounding the shit Cyclops is doing while behind bars. To this point, he hasn't shown that he plans to do anything in prison other than take responsibility for his crimes and protect the integrity of his asshole. But this is Cyclops we're talking about. Not only can he beat the shit out of a bunch of prison thugs, but he can formulate a plan under any circumstance. So we find out here that Captain America was actually right for the first time since Avengers vs. X-men began in that he did know something. Using some fancy looking powder that probably isn't the kind you buy from a guy in a Grateful Dead T-shirt on a street corner, he communicates with some unknown person in the form of powder messages. Is it Magik? Is it Storm? We don't know, but Cyclops makes it clear that he doesn't want to be broken out of jail...yet. He's more valuable as a political prisoner than he is a fugitive. So he decides to stick around. Score another middle finger against Wolverine!

Whereas most of the previous issue took place entirely in a prison cell and consisted mostly of Cyclops informing Wolverine that he acted like a complete douche during Avengers vs. X-men, this issue takes a slightly broader view. It not only continues the story of Cyclops in jail, but it finally catches up with some of the other stories that were established in the first issue while addressing others that have slipped through the cracks, namely the fate of Emma Frost. It also finds a way to deepen the mystery surrounding the so-called sympathizer that's helping the Extinction Team. Cyclops may be rotting in jail, but the man always has a plan and we finally found out what he's been secretly laughing about behind everyone's back. He clearly knows more than he told Wolverine, which I guess counts as yet another instance where he upstaged that wife-seducing furball. It also indicates that the Extinction Team is still active, as Magik's little visit to Storm showed. What does it all mean? Shit if I know. I'll need to do a few bong hits to come up with a sufficiently crazy idea. Or I can wait until the next issue, whichever comes first.

But what really sets this issue apart from the previous issue is that it finally felt like the story was moving behind all the characters pissing themselves as they tried to process all the shit that happened in Avengers vs. X-men. Ever since Avengers vs. X-men #12, it seems like the only thing anybody is doing is whining about how much the world is fucked up and blaming it all on Cyclops. Some manage better than others. Then you've got a shitty rip-off bitch in Hope Summers suddenly playing the part of the cute school girl that always gets tentacle raped in anime porn. Not all of it is coherent, but it all makes sense in a way that is very refreshing.

After reading the last few issues of Avengers vs. X-men, I was starting to worry that a Marvel comic would never make sense again. I'm glad I was at least partially wrong. This issue made a clear effort to move the Marvel universe forward while still exploring the aftermath. It worked for some, but not others. In that since it's like tequila. Some people can enjoy the brain-melting power of that shit and some can't even say the word without dry heaving.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has had to claw its way out of a pretty deep hole. It's success is basically akin to the chances the Cleveland Browns have at going to the Superbowl this year. It's not just an uphill battle. It's pretty much impossible. But after two solid issues and this issue on top of it, I can finally say that the Marvel universe is on its way to becoming coherent again. It's like that guy who goes on a week-long cocaine bender in Columbia and only finally starts remembering how many dicks he's had to suck along the way. It's incredibly disturbing, but it opens the door to rebuilding a new era of awesome. This issue did a great job in most areas in rebuilding that awesome while maintaining that fragile balance that every aftermath issue must deal with. It has some skid marks in its underwear, but it's nothing that'll get you kicked out of a public pool. For that I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #3 a 4 out of 5. Cyclops has a plan. Hope Summers is an annoying little brat. Wolverine is a douche. And Magik enjoys fucking with people. Take a deep breath, Marvel fans. Shit is finally getting back to normal! Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 - Prisoners of Awesome

Being in prison is a lot like being being a protologist whose office is right across the street from a gay bar. You're bound to find some pretty odd shit for some pretty fucked up reasons. There's also a major difference between being tossed in a drunk tank at the county lock-up after you've been caught pissing on the sheriff's mailbox at three in the morning and being sentanced for taking part in nearly destroying the world. The only way that could possibly suck any more would be if you actually weren't entirely responsible for nearly destroying the world and the assholes who played a much bigger role don't even get a slap on the wrist or so much as a parking ticket. That's the state Cyclops is in right now with Avengers vs. X-men. He may be guilty of a few crimes from Avengers vs. X-men, but only to the point that brain-dead American TV viewers are guilty of creating Honey Boo Boo.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences is taking the usual aftermath formula of an event and giving it ADHD. By that I mean it's taking the story from the moment the shit hits the fan to the moment when you go diving into a nearby pool to wash the fecal matter out of your eyes. Avengers vs. X-men ended with the Avengers proving that Cyclops was right all along about the Phoenix Force, but screwing him over anyway because admitting they were assholes for poking it like a drunk waving his dick at a cobra just made them feel too awkward. Now Cyclops is in jail, guilty for crimes that include saving an entire species, undoing a reality fuck from a crazy bitch that never answered for her crimes, trying to creat a global utopia, and being driven crazy by friends and allies that kept bullying your ass. I'm pretty sure those crimes are shakey even in North Korea, but I'm no lawyer. I only know the ones that get me off a drug charge on a technicality. Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has no such technicalities becuase Cyclops is in jail, the Avengers are trying to partner with the X-men, and a new mutant population is a long list of new problems that are bound to give every hero a migraine.

If that shit weren't bad enough, Captain America has been trying to round up the rest of the Extinction Team on which everyone is pinning the Phoenix debacle. To hell with blaming Tony Stark for blasting the Phoenix with his fancy needle-dick compensating gizmo that split it into five pieces in the first place. He's rich and he's well connected. He'll never spend a day in jail in the same way the head of Goldman Sachs will never spend a day in jail. But along the way, Captain America discovered that someone from the inside is helping the Extinction Team. He asked Wolverine for help in getting Cyclops to play ball with them, but he did what I would do and just drank a beer while telling him to go fuck himself. The story about Cyclops's prison life, the traitor, and beer is the crux of Avengers vs. X-men Consequences and it continues with plenty of reasons to drink.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 ended with Wolverine paying an impromptu visit to Cyclops in prison for reasons that aren't conjacle. Avengers vs. X-men Consquences #2 picks up with that encounter and pretty much sticks with it for the entire fucking issue. There's no flashbacks, no teleportation, and no exotic locations where dinosaurs roam free and alien bugs bite off your dick. It's takes place entirely in a prison. And unless it's the setting of a softcore cable porn series on Cinemax, it usually doesn't translate to an awesome story. But like picking up a hooker with an unusually large adams apple, I've been wrong before.

The conversation starts off fairly simple. There's the standard awkward silence you get, not unlike the silence between you and your parole officer when he catches you taking a shit in his bird bath at two in the morning. Then Wolverine goes off on this angry "fuck you" speech because Cyclops killed Xavier. In response, Cyclops calmly points out he was fucked up on Dark Phoenix just as Jean Grey was when she killed 5 billion aliens and he still wanted to fuck her. But that's not enough for Wolverine. He calls Cyclops out for just walking down this road in the first place, even though he couldn't have known it would end the way it did. I want to say that's just the beer talking, but I'm just going to assume it's Wolverine being a big douche.

Then Cyclops says it. He says the very thing that so many fans like myself have been thinking in their most sober moments after reading Avengers vs. X-men. He points out (after being imprisoned and locked in a room with a guy that tried to fuck his wife no less) that he was right. Everything he did during Avengers vs. X-men turned out to be spot on. He was right about Hope. He was right about the Phoenix. And he also points out to Wolverine that at one point he tried to kill her, which would have fucked everything and doomed the whole species if not more. So while there are plenty who still have a right to call Cyclops a douche-bag, Wolverine ain't one of them.

This scene may not have shit explode or result in a bloody brawl like Schism, but it does show something that Marvel hasn't shown much of lately. It shows they've actually read their own shit. They didn't gloss over certain details for once, namely that Cyclops was right about Hope and Wolverine was a complete asshole for trying to kill her. Those are details that Marvel has been glossing over lately more than Mitt Romney's tax returns. So for them to have Cyclops stand up on panel and say it to Wolverine's ugly ass face, that really helps make the whole Avengers vs. X-men timeline a bit less fucked up. It doesn't address everything, but at least it makes an effort. It's like a necrophiliac trying to salvage a corpse that's been burnt to a crisp. The effort entails a commitment, disturbing it may be.

But Cyclops isn't done pissing Wolverine off. He points out that him being right ensures his school will have more students and some of them may actually wear a T-shirt that says "Cyclops was right." Hell, there are people in the real world already wearing that shit! Not only that, he takes a page right out of his Schism playbook and drops a J-bomb. By that, I mean he references Jean Grey again. He tells Wolverine that since he's gone Dark Phoenix, he now understands her in a way he never will. Just as he'll understand Jean's pussy in a way he never will. That's enough to send Wolverine over the edge. He takes a page right out of a rerun from Oz (minus the prison rape) and tries to kill Cyclops on the spot. It's bad enough to be reminded that he was dead wrong. Being reminded that Cyclops now has even more of a connection with Jean Grey is just too much.

But Cyclops finds a way to fuck with Wolverine again. Wolverine figures out that Cyclops wants him to kill him. He flat out says that he would prefer Wolverine shank him than one of the prisoners who might not be so gentle with his asshole. It fucks with Wolverine in a way that all the whores in Bankok never could. Cyclops doesn't just do it to get under his skin though. He's still a tactician in addition to being an ass. He doubts anyone is going to let him live long enough to see a trial and even if he hires OJ Simpson's legal team, Captain America wouldn't stand to let him walk free. That would be like seeing a Nazi ass-rape Uncle Sam. Cyclops sacrificed pretty much everything to save the mutant race and the world. No one could blame him for wanting to check out, but Wolverine just has to be the bigger asshole and deny him.

But Wolverine doesn't just leave him along with what's left of his dignity. He points out that while Cyclops was right and he saved the mutant race, the shitty way it played out ensured that this new generation of mutants are going to have targets on their backs, heads, and assholes. When a mutant goes Dark Phoenix and tries to destroy the world, that shit makes a bad impression on an already petrified human population. It's like Mitt Romney doing a photo opp at a KKK meeting or George W. Bush pissing on the side of a mosque. People are going to be pissed and a little scared. Wolverine tries to get him to see this and asks him to help him bring in the Extinction Team. Cyclops doesn't give him anything, leaving Wolverine to finish his beer and leave before he can be pissed off by another Jean Grey reference.

At this point, the story is still entirely confined in the prison. We don't see any of the Avengers or Captain America. We don't even get any additional clues as to who the mole might be that's protecting the Extinction Team. Instead, we see Cyclops meeting up with one of his fellow inmates. He's not the inmate that tries to make newbies his bitch without a little chit chat either. Cyclops finds out that he was in prison during the whole Avengers vs. X-men shit storm and he was just one of the countless ordinary humans that suddenly became mutants. We even get a nice flashback that shows what happens when a prisoner is threatened by a guy twice his size with a shanking and an impromtu prostate exam and suddenly becomes a mutant. It's the closest this issue comes to throwing some flash and flare into the story, but it goes further than that.

To this point, the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men has been mostly focused on the heroes and how fucked up their world is after they started bitch-slapping each other. Not much attention has been paid to the millions of new mutants who are now free to show off their powers in a world where Wanda Maximoff's reality fuck has been undone. This issue focuses on just one case and he just happens to be a guy sharing a prison cell block with Cyclops. It's one of those little details I often gush about on this blog, but it certainly helps put some badly needed perspective on the post Avengers vs. X-men world that doesn't involve Captain America ignoring what a douche he is.

The guy makes small talk with Cyclops, hoping to ask about how real Emma Frost's breasts really were. He doesn't seem too bent out of shape about being a mutant either. It's probably the most exciting thing that's happened to him since his defense attorney showed up at his trial drunk and got stuck with more years behind bars. Unfortunately, not everyone is thrilled about sharing a prison cell with mutants. That guy that tried to shank the hapless new mutant earlier isn't too happy about his asshole still being intact. Cyclops notices that they guards have gone on a rather sudden break and now they're set to become prison bitches and/or martyrs. Cyclops makes it clear that he's hoping for and expecting to be a martyr. For the sake of his asshole, he better be right.

A comic book that takes place entirely in a prison and involves mostly conversation and a slight threat of a shanking (and prison rape) shouldn't be very satisfying. Hell, this is usually the kind of comic book that should come with a warning label telling readers that this shit is just filler and nothing explodes. But damn it, this issue was still awesome. It sounds impossible, like being a hooker inside Flavor Flav's house and not coming out with an STD. But it actually happened. This issue, despite being mostly a conversation between Cyclops and Wolverine, was awesome.

Now I know there are some fans out there with shitty weed dealers that will never be too thrilled by a story that just involves two characters talking. The dialog could be written by Shakespeare themselves and they'll still bitch about there not being enough explosions. There's a case to be made by those people. I wish I could forward them to my weed dealer, but I'd rather not threaten my stash. Moreover, the excessive talking does make this comic come off as tedious if not overly narrow. It didn't deal with any other X-men or the Avengers. But the focus is part of what made this comic compelling. It actually did what probably should have been done in Avengers vs. X-men and showed that Cyclops was not only right. The assholes like Wolverine that are condemning him are fucking hypocrites for some of the shit they pulled. Wolverine wasn't quite as bad as Tony Stark, but he did try to gut the mutant messiah that ended up saving them all. In that sense he came off as the guy who should be getting shanked at the end.

While I'm glad and extremely relieved that Marvel addressed these details, it still feels a bit late in the context of the story. Like this should be part of Avengers vs. X-men #12, but Marvel just ran out of ink. So while it felt a little misplaced, it still succeeded in getting the necessary point across. It also added a nice addition at the end with the prisoner that became a mutant. It doesn't just give Cyclops a cell-mate who isn't inclined to sodomize him. It focuses on just one of the millions of new mutants who are now part of the Marvel universe. That gets right to the heart of the whole consequences concept and sets the stage for a struggle that hopefully doesn't involve too much sodomy.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences has to do a lot in order to escape the shit stains left by Avengers vs. X-men. The last issue didn't exactly go the full distance, but it helped give the Marvel universe a nudge in the right direction. This book gave it a violent shove that it desperately needed. Avengers vs. X-men still sucks, but this issue shows that the shit it bore shall fertilize a lush new garden of Marvel awesome. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #2 a 4 out of 5. Clap your hands, stomp your feet, and clench your asshole! This comic took a trip to prison and made it awesome. Nuff said!

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 - Inconsequential Awesome

Your bullshit has consequences. That's not me talking. I'm quoting a Baltimore County judge with whom I'm on a first name basis unfortunately. I know better than most that when you do stupid shit like piss on the windshield of a cop car at four in the morning, you're going to get in trouble. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Not remembering how you woke up face down in a puddle of piss doesn't work either. You're ass is still going to be in trouble and if you're really unlucky, it's going to be the new semen repository for your cell mate.

The big difference between my drunken antics and what Cyclops did in Avengers vs. X-men is that I chose to get drunk and to accept those odd purple pills from the guy at the liquor store with a neck tattoo. Cyclops didn't choose to wield the Phoenix Force, nor did he choose to go Dark Phoenix after the entire fucking Marvel Universe ganged up on on him. That would be like someone sneaking up on me, injecting me with booze and PCP, pissing me off by insulting my mother and the size of my dick, and then letting me loose in a bar fight. Yet Cyclops has a shitty lawyer in the sense that he still ended up in jail, despite being completely right about the Phoenix saving the mutant race and being driven insane by the Avengers's bullshit. Now both his friends and his enemies hate his guts despite him being completely right on pretty much all counts. I'm not sure if that's a win, but I think that means he's not in a position to be anyone's bitch in prison.

But the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men go far beyond Cyclops. In wake of the bullshit ending that I had so much fun shitting all over, the entire Marvel universe has been affected and now it's being reshaped to make way for Marvel NOW! But as bad as Avengers vs. X-men was, it wasn't so bad that it made the Marvel universe unreadable. Hell, only one guy died and it was a character that had been MIA since he was shot in the fucking head a mere five years ago. Some characters got more screwed than others, but that's not the point. The point is the shit storm has passed and Marvel has a chance to reshape their universe for the better. And it all begins with Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1, courtesy of Kieron Gillen. His work on Uncanny X-men #19 showed that he was one writer who didn't have his head up his ass for much of Avengers vs. X-men. So he would be in the best position to tell the story about the aftermath.

Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 begins by reminding readers of some of the good that Avengers vs. X-men accomplished. Hell, one of the only notable gems things that came out of this shit mine was that it finally ended the pathetically contrived Storm/Black Panther marriage. This was one relationship that even Jerry Springer would call trashy out of the sheer circumstance surrounding it (or lack thereof). We find out that Black Panther still has some bitter feelings about their annulment because when the X-men fly to Wakanda to offer help, he shoots at them. That's only slightly less hostile than shoving divorce papers in Storm's face, but it still brings a non-alcohol induced smile to my face to see that this relationship is fucking over.

From bullshit relationships to bullshit imprisonment, Kieron Gillen also takes some time to explore how the Marvel universe is screwing over Cyclops. It's not enough they've killed his wife twice. They have to make him a criminal for doing shit that Wanda Maximoff did less than a decade ago, yet she remains free. But I've already ranted about that. This scene doesn't dwell on the bullshit reasons why Cyclops is in jail. It essentially describes the kind of prison life's in for. See, the Avengers just haven't been big enough assholes to date so they don't want to put him in a prison with other villains that have nearly destroyed the world and aren't named Wanda Maximoff. They instead put him in a new private prison, complete with advanced mutant shock collar technology and a guy who looks disturbingly similar to a George W. Bush. It's about as fucked up as it sounds and then some.

But aside from screwing Cyclops over in ways that don't yet involve prison rape, Gillen uses this to explore another important aspect of the post-Avengers vs. X-men world. With so many new mutants emerging, the world has to re-learn how to deal with them. It was all so much easier when there was less than 200 of them and they were just hanging out on an island. Now they have to worry about imprisoning them again and what better way to test their tyrannical ingenuity than testing it on the guy who nearly destroyed the world after making it into a utopia? It's bullshit, but it's pragmatic bullshit and shows that Gillen is actually putting some thought into this issue. If only Avengers vs. X-men had been that logical.

And since Avengers vs. X-men gave readers even more reasons to want to see Hope Summers horribly tortured in ways that only Todd Akin would approve of, an aftermath book wouldn't be complete without reinforcing that hatred. Now that Hope has fulfilled her destiny and helped re-power the mutant race (exactly as Cyclops predicted no less), what's left for her? What the fuck does she do? Captain America and the Scarlet Witch (who Hope punched in the nose no less), come to her to ask that very question. She basically says she wants to live a normal life. That's right. This bratty little cunt who ditched the X-men after they did everything to save her ass and didn't bat an eye when one of them was thrown in jail just wants to say "Fuck it, I'm done with this." It would be like Jesus saying, "Fuck this, I'm going to a Roman orgy." Again, you want another reason to hate Hope Summers? Well there you go. Now excuse me while I fantasize about taking a shit on her grave.

Not only that, we find out that Cable was MIA from Avengers vs. X-men because he just fucking left. After X-Sanction, he did absolutely nothing to affect Avengers vs. X-men despite having insight into the future. He left Hope a note, but all it said was "Don't come looking for me you little brat. I've had enough of your shit." Okay, so maybe it was nicer than that, but it would be completely understandable. While this feels like a complete omission, it's worth pointing out that Marvel already announced that Cable would be part of a new X-Force book and that his activity or lack thereof during Avengers vs. X-men would be explained in that book. So while it may have been glossed over here, Marvel hasn't swept that shit under the rug and called it burnt bacon.

Another issue aside from Hope being an even bigger bitch is the rest of the Extinction Team. At the end of Avengers vs. X-men, only Cyclops and Emma Frost were taken into custody. The rest of the team including Colossus, Magik, Danger, Magneto, and Namor are still unaccounted for. So the Avengers have been taking breaks from being complete assholes in the face of victory to try to hunt them down. Whether by karma or incompetence, they've failed every step of the way. There's a nice scene with Iron Man and Captain America attacking what they think is Magneto's location. But it turns out it's just another dead end. You have to assume that somewhere Magneto is watching and waving his dick at them while laughing his ass off.

Because of this inability to find the Extinction Team and the prospect of having to deal with a new mutant population, Captain America tries to get some more help out of Wolverine, who is still an embittered drunk. This is another instance where Gillen ties this book with Uncanny Avengers very nicely. It takes place after the funeral scene that was so poorly depicted, but the funeral is secondary to this scene. The main issue is Captain America trying to convince Wolverine to help the Avengers hunt down the Extinction Team. That, unfortunately, means him trying to convince Cyclops to help them. Because for some reason, Captain America thinks Cyclops can be convinced to turn on his teammates after the Avengers have treated him like shit and thrown him into a private prison whose warden has probably sucked half the dicks in Congress. He might as well try to convince Wolverine to go vegan because he says no and isn't polite about it, which helps make up for him being such a massive douche as of late...somewhat.

But there's another little twist to Captain America's visit. While discussing with Wolverine the difficulty he's been having in tracking down the Extinction Team, he mentions that he suspects someone on their side is helping them avoid capture. He just refuses to believe that the same team that shot the Phoenix with a giant gun and split it into five pieces is too incompetent to track down a bunch of wayward heroes/villains. Go figure. But Captain America points out that the longer the Extinction Team remains free, the more people are going to shit their pants over this new surge of mutants. He's not wrong even if he is an asshole, but it does open the door to another plot twist. Who could the traitor be? Who would still help Cyclops's team at this point when the Avengers have labeled him the worst human being since Hitler sodomized Doom? There isn't a hint as to who it could be, but it definitely opens the door to some intriguing stories.

The intrigue must have gotten to Wolverine because despite telling Captain America to fuck off when he asked him to talk to Cyclops, Wolverine goes behind his back and pays Cyclops a visit in jail. It's not a very jaw-dropping moment. But at least Wolverine brought beer with him so that earns him points in my book. Perhaps he's also interested in who the traitor is that's helping the Extinction Team or for all we know he is the traitor because he's finally realized what a douche he's been. But that shit would just be too awesome for Marvel to come up with. Wolverine is already pissed off at Cyclops for being able to put his penis inside Jean Grey for so long. This visit can only be another way for him to give Cyclops the finger before his cell mate does worse.

In terms of consequences, this issue wasn't so much a lesson as it was an insight into what consequences one could expect if the world were run by Donald Trump. By that I mean ex-spouses hate each others' guts and the people with power and influence determine who the true victim is. This issue expanded somewhat on what Uncanny Avengers did in that it showed how shitty Cyclops's situation has become. He went from sharing a bed with Emma Frost to sharing a jail cell and keeping his asshole clenched at all times. It also shows just how big an asshole Captain America and the Avengers are when it comes to victory. They'll give their enemies a fancy cell that doesn't involve shock collars, but when one of their hero buddies goes crazy with power and isn't named Wanda Maximoff they get sent to a private prison where shit like torture and sodomy aren't frowned upon. It makes for a lousy message and it does hurt the comic in many ways because like Uncanny Avengers it essentially ignores circumstances and double standards in the same way creationists ignore fossils.

That's not to say there weren't some good moments. One thing that this comic did that Uncanny Avengers didn't was give a sense of progression from the end of Avengers vs. X-men to the aftermath. Kieron Gillen addresses lingering issues from the event like the whereabouts of the Extinction Team, how the world is going to handle a massive influx of new mutants, and the new partnership between the X-men and the Avengers. Even though Avengers vs. X-men sucked and plenty of details were still ignored, you at least get a sense from this issue that Marvel is trying to address them as best they can. But since Avengers vs. X-men was supposed to be their best as well, that's probably not saying much.

Overall, Avengers vs. X-men Consequences #1 does partially succeed in exploring the consequences of Avengers vs. X-men. It only fails in glossing over certain plots like Cable and providing yet another reason for readers to wish Hope dies a horrible, horrible death. Everything else from the dialog to the art to the general pacing of the story is solid. It's not Kieron Gillen's best, but it is more readable and more enjoyable than Uncanny Avengers. That's still not saying much so I give this issue a 3.5 out of 5. If you're going to teach your kids about consequences, this is not the kind of issue to use as a guide. But if you're going to teach them how to follow-up a shitty story and why men like Donald Trump should never be in charge, this will do the job. Nuff said!