Incomplete Moments With Shallow Revelations: Death of X #4

The following is my review of Death of X #4, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

If a fight is rigged and rigged well, then it's usually hard to tell which side has the advantage. Those fights can be quite entertaining, as the success of WWE wrestling routinely demonstrates.  When the rigging is too obvious though, the entertainment value suffers. It's just not very fun or interesting when it's easy to tell who is getting an extra shot of Hulk blood on the side.

This is the biggest flaw in the Death of X narrative. It isn't a passionate disagreement between Iron Man and Captain America over methods for administering justice. It's a cage match between one side that has the unconditional backing of Disney's lawyers and another that remains under the boot of a rival company. The X-men and the Inhumans are not on a level playing field and haven't been since Marvel Studios began churning out billion-dollar blockbusters on a regular basis.

This means there's little to no suspense in the outcome of Death of X #4. It's a foregone conclusion that the X-men will lose, the Inhumans will come out on top, and the lawyers negotiating movie rights will keep getting billed by the hour. It gives Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire a poor foundation to build on, but it's a foundation that can still fill in some unresolved issues. They just have to build carefully because they don't want to give the X-men more reasons to resort to clones and time travel.

There's a genuine effort to extract every ounce of drama from this final issue, but there's not much worth extracting here. There's a distinct absence of detail and polish to the overall story. It does not complete the narrative that began in the first issue, nor does it fill in the blanks left by the various X-men titles that spun out of Secret Wars. There is some intrigue. There are some heated, passionate moments. It doesn't fall flat, but it does feel distinctly incomplete.

If there is a defining moment in Death of X #4, it manifests during the confrontation between Cyclops and the Inhumans royal family. This moment feels very much like a trailer of sorts, complete with ominous warnings and angry pleas. The trailer may lack the star power of Hugh Jackman or Sir Patrick Stewart, but it effectively ensures that there will be a war between the Inhumans and the X-men. It's not just inevitable at this point. It's overdue.

While this moment is vital in giving Death of X #4 the necessary impact, it's pretty much the only moment that's memorable or impactful in any way. Every other moment throughout the narrative is either lacking in substance or devoid of style. There's little else in terms of drama. None of that drama feels like an emotional gut punch either. For a comic where a major character dies, that's pretty telling.

It's also the most frustrating aspect about Death of X #4 and the X-men comics as a whole since Secret Wars. The lack of drama and the lack of details ensures this story adds little context to the overall narrative surrounding the X-men. Much of that narrative is crafted around this idea that Cyclops did something so horrific and so despicable that it would make James Marsden violently ill if someone said it out loud. That idea, however, becomes exceedingly complicated here.

It's not just because Soule and Lemire try to throw in a twist at the end that effectively ensures that Cyclops can die with some credibility intact. It's also because the sequence of events that unfold throughout Death of X do little to warrant such an idea. There's no overt atrocity here. Cyclops doesn't suddenly become Thanos, Victor Von Doom, or whoever canceled the last X-men cartoon. He does what he and the X-men always do and tries to protect innocent mutants.

Now this does draw the ire of the Inhuman royal family for reasons that are understandable, albeit petty. However, it's worth emphasizing here that what Cyclops does, be it overt or indirect, can't qualify as an atrocity. He doesn't kill anyone. He doesn't destroy anything. He doesn't even make a joke about Medusa's hair. There really is nothing here that warrants the hatred and disdain that is so prominent in the current X-men comics.

If there are any unforeseen consequences to Cyclops' actions, they aren't revealed. They aren't even hinted at. What Cyclops does simply prevents a cloud of Terrigen Mist from descending upon a populated area and killing every innocent mutant in its path. No human or Inhuman dies as a result. In fact, only one other person dies and that person dies willingly in a heroic sacrifice that the Inhuman royal family tried to prevent.

In terms of a balanced, albeit rigged, conflict, the entertainment value really suffers here. Death of X does little to create even the illusion of balance between mutants and Inhumans. If anything, it only shows that the Inhuman royal family is disturbingly comfortable letting an entire minority suffer horribly so their race can propagate. While Cyclops did make clear to them that he was just as comfortable letting the Inhumans stagnate, there's little effort to have a passionate, balanced discussion.

In terms of the bigger picture surrounding the X-men/Inhuman conflict, Death of X #4 has too many blanks to fill and not nearly enough ink to make a concerted effort. It does what it can, but not much else. There is a sense of rhythm and flow to the narrative. It never becomes too chaotic and it avoids completely denigrating certain characters, although there will likely be a certain segment of fans that will passionately disagree on message boards. There is a sense that this story is part of a much larger narrative that has yet to unfold.

Death of X #4 doesn't read like the end of an event so it's not going to check every box before the final page. While it manages to be coherent and revealing in some respects, it still comes off as woefully incomplete. If it were a school project, it couldn't be adequately graded because it doesn't present a finished product. This may be okay for a movie trailer, but for a complete story that kills off one of the most iconic X-men in history, it's not even close to being enough.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

Death of X #4: Nuff Said!

Well, it's here. The (unofficial) final review of nuff said. I've been looking at it the same way a cow looks at an oncoming train. I know it's coming. I know it's close. I'm just too bloated with hormones, illegal chemicals, and fatty foods to give enough shits. I want to say it's fitting that a series called Death of X is the final review for nuff said. However, with a title like Death of X, it's only fitting in the same way that a colonoscopy is a fitting way to end taco eating contest.

This is it. This is where we find out what the fuck Cyclops did that made him more hated than Chuck Austin, Brett Ratner, and the assholes that canceled Wolverine and the X-men after just one season. We know he's trying to stop the big green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners refuse to do jack shit about. We know he's trying to save his species from extinction and sterilization yet again after having already gone through that shit before. At this point, who can blame him for losing his fucking mind and going evil?

It's still a big fucking blank to fill into just one issue. Death of X #4 has a fuckton of questions to answer if the events of Extraordinary X-men, Uncanny X-men, and All-New X-men are to make half a piece of dog shit worth of sense. I'm skeptical that it can do this in a way that won't piss off X-men fans, Cyclops fans, and fans of anything that actually makes sense. This being my last review for nuff said, I'll either have to be extra drunk or extra sober to get through it.

I get the feeling that Storm could use a few shots of bourbon on her end because she now has to contend with a determined and pissed off Magneto. She, and everyone else in the entire fucking Marvel universe, should know by now that he's not a fan of genocide by toxic gas. That shit is kind of a sensitive issue for him. Even those on the alt-right wouldn't push his buttons when there's a big green mutant-killing cloud on the loose.

He effectively ends the little spat between the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in Madrid. He doesn't kill or maim anyone, which for Magneto requires a level of self-restraint that would allow a guy like me to walk through a whiskey distillery and come out sober. Crystal and her genocide-enabling people better fucking count their blessings. The fact they have intact assholes in this situation should make them want to go out and buy an extra lotto ticket.

With Crystal's crew of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners neutralized, Cyclops and his team go to work stopping the big green cloud of death that's going to maim countless innocent mutants. Yet somehow, he's going to become the monster? No, it still doesn't make sense and spoiler alert, it's not going to no matter how much weed you smoke. If you have some though, fill your bong because you're going to need it.

Cyclops' plan doesn't involve genocide, bloodshed, or anything that may make Wolverine horny. It involves using Alchemy, the nerdy D-list mutant he recruited in the last issue, to turn the big green fart cloud into something that won't horribly maim innocent mutants. For some reason, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't like the idea of their big green fart cloud NOT killing innocent mutants so they shoot him right out of the sky before he can read the cloud. Yes, a team of super-powered racist, xenophobic, slave-owners is pro-genocide and Marvel wants to give them a fucking TV show. Even the most bigoted neo-Nazi skin-head would be paralyzed by the WTF on display here.

However, an attack by a group of racist, xenophobic slave-owners who are okay with the idea of gassing an entire minority to death has never stopped the X-men before. Cyclops manages to find Alchemy, who now has a broken arm and no whiskey to dull the pain. He then gives him the kind of pep talk that would make high school football coaches envious, which helps Alchemy's balls grow ten times bigger so he can get another shot at giving a big middle finger to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. If I were a woman, I'd have jumped Alchemy's bone on the spot.

The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are decidedly less horny. They somehow think in their racist, xenophobic, slave-owning minds that they've won. They've saved their big green fart cloud of mutant-killing death. They're fucking wrong. With Sunfire's help, Alchemy gets another shot. I assume he gave them all the finger somewhere along the way.

With help from Magik and the Stepford Cuckoos, the royal family of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners remains distracted. They can't take Alchemy down this time. Instead, he makes it into the big green fart cloud and uses his powers to turn it into a big red fart cloud, but it's a cloud that doesn't kill or maim anyone. To the rest of the non-racist, xenophobic, slave-owning population of the planet, that's a good thing. To the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, it may as well be one big kick in the dick. Now I'd definitely jump Alchemy's bone, even if I'm not a woman.

Unfortunately, Alchemy isn't very bonable after this stunt. After turning the big green fart cloud into a harmless red fart cloud, he returns just in time to find out he's now dying of M-pox. That means he sacrificed himself to stop a big cloud of mutant-killing death. That's objectively awesome on every level. Again, this a D-list X-men character who hasn't been relevant since the Regan administration and he just gave the finger to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

This issue is to Alchemy what the Dark Phoenix Saga is to Jean Grey. He sacrifices himself to save countless innocents. Alchemy, you are a true hero. May the next life be filled with endless pools of whiskey and endless hordes of naked Emma Frost clones. You've earned it.

It's a true hero's end for Alchemy. For Cyclops, however, it's not so noble, but it's every bit as heroic. He calls out the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners and the royal family responds. They're still shocked and appalled that someone would stop their big green fart cloud from maiming innocent mutants. I guess genocide and the suffering of minorities is important to the culture of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Even the most ardent Bernie Sanders supporter would call bullshit on this and so does Cyclops.

The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners do and say nothing to justify their bullshit. They still act all appalled and offended that someone would dare to stop their big green fart cloud from killing innocent mutants. Cyclops boldly confronts them, flexes his nuts, presumably makes the red-headed Medusa extremely horny, and tells the royal family to fuck off. He makes clear that he's going to keep fighting these big green fart clouds of mutant-killing mayhem and if they don't like it, then they and their shitty movie rights can just go fuck themselves.

Naturally, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' first instinct is to just kill him. Yes, that's how Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners solve problems. They kill those who want to stop an ongoing genocide. Hell, even racist skin-heads have the decency to just beat the shit out of minorities and say shitty things on message boards. For the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, they don't even try to see things from Cyclops' side. They just let Black Bolt kill Cyclops so their big green fart clouds can continue maiming mutants.

Cyclops doesn't do anything to fight back. He just lets it happen. He doesn't really need to do anything. He claims that he's not just a leader now. He's an idea. He's an idea that inspires mutants and makes beautiful telepathic women horny. That idea can't die, no matter how much Black Bolt whines about it. It's one last epic middle finger that should make all the telpepaths, blondes, and redheads both proud and horny. It may be a somewhat inglorious way for Cyclops to die, but he dies giving the finger to Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. That means he dies with a hell of a boner.

A week later, the shit storm is settled. The big green mutant-killing fart clouds are still out there and the X-men bury their leader. There's a small ceremony on Muir Island. They even have the decency to give Cyclops a gravestone. Nobody spits on that gravestone though. Nobody shows any of the vehement Cyclops hatred we've seen in the post-Secret Wars X-men comics. It's almost like Cyclops didn't do anything that shitty. He just tried to destroy a mutant-killing gas cloud. So how the fuck is he now the most hated mutant that didn't appear in the Wolverine Origins movie?

That's not just a drunken remark. That's an honest fucking question and it's a question that doesn't get answered. That's a big fucking deal too because that means all this Cyclops-hatred that fueled so many shit storms still makes no fucking sense. It also means that everybody just agreed to let the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners keep their mutant-killing gas cloud. They're all suddenly okay with mutant genocide and yet Cyclops is the asshole? Seriously, what the everloving fuck?

Still confused? Well sit back and tuck your nuts in people because it's about to get even more fucked up. Remember all the nut-flexing and bravado that Cyclops had been demonstrating for the past few issues? Well, it turns out that Cyclops isn't the one doing the flexing. In fact, he was never even in a position to. Instead, that shit was all an illusion. I'm not talking about a David Blain/David Copperfield type of illusion that makes people pay several hundred bucks for a glorified stage show. I'm talking about a real actual mass delusion the likes of which would give British tabloids multiple orgasms.

Emma Frost, right after Cyclops' funeral no less, meets up with Havok, who was apparently too busy to participate in stopping mutant genocide. She reveals that Cyclops did pretty much none of the shit that has transpired in this series. He actually died in the first issue the second he entered Muir Island. There was no epic sacrifice. There was no final message from Jean Grey. He just took a whiff of the big Inhuman fart cloud and died. That's it. It's as inglorious and unfitting as it sounds.

Naturally, Emma Frost had a big fucking problem with this. She let this man see her naked without paying, damn it. He deserves better than that. So with the help of the Stepford Cuckoos, she projected a psychic image of Cyclops and that image is the one that did all the crazy shit that everyone in the world hates him for, even though there's no fucking reason given for that hatred. Even if there was, it still wouldn't be warranted because Cyclops still didn't do anything. He just went to Muir Island looking to help mutants and died, all because the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners didn't know their big fucking fart cloud maimed innocent mutants.

It's a big fucking blow to Emma Frost. Even though they broke up, she still makes clear that she cares about Cyclops more than she does most men who see her naked. The idea that an ex-lover of her's dies and it has nothing to do with her being pissed off and vindictive really fucks with her. She knows better than most that Cyclops is the only X-man with the balls to lead mutants against pro-genocide racist xenophobic slave-owners. Hell, she's probably licked them so she knows their power. Now, he's dead and she has to have the biggest balls in the X-men from now on. I guess she accepts that challenge.

It still makes for an unsatisfying, callous end for Cyclops. He doesn't die fighting to save his people. He dies because of some big green fart cloud. It's the kind of end that seriously fucks with Emma Frost's head because now she's intent on carrying on this idea she's created. She makes clear that without Cyclops, someone needs to have the balls to take on the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners and their big green fart cloud. It might as well be her. She knows how to bust balls. Now, she gets to flex them. In that sense, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are truly fucked in the long run. It's one thing to kill Cyclops and protect mutant-killing fart clouds. It's quite another to piss off Emma Frost.

So...is it awesome?

Short answer? Not really. Shorter answer. Not fucking close. Is it terrible? Well, that actually requires a longer answer because I can't just spit out my whiskey and say fuck yes. Even at my most drunk, that wouldn't recognize the full context of the story here. I can't say Death of X #4 is fucking awful because it isn't. It doesn't horribly butcher Cyclops' character like it promised. Hell, it makes him a victim of shitty luck, which is kind of appropriate for the guy who was lucky enough to see Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked in his lifetime.

Even if Cyclops doesn't go down in history as the worst thing to happen to the X-men since Chuck Austin and Brett Ratner, Death of X #4 is still an incomplete issue at best. It does set the stage for a future clash between the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It even raises the personal stakes of that clash. It just doesn't fill in enough blanks in a satisfying way. Like a porn star using a dildo that's too small and doesn't vibrate, it just doesn't get the job done.

It doesn't shit all over the job and light it on fire either. These days, that's the best the X-men can hope for. Death of X #4's biggest shortcoming is that it doesn't give a damn good reason for why Cyclops is so hated. He didn't kill anybody. He did cause panic, but he didn't kill anyone. Hell, he wasn't even in a position to kill anyone. None of his fellow X-men came out and spit on his grave. Nobody was so disgusted by what he did that they wanted to vomit violently into the nearest trash can. All he did was turn a big green fart cloud into this creepy red mist. The worst he did was make it too easy to film a shitty horror movie.

Death of X #4 isn't going to traumatize X-men fans, but it's not going to get anyone's heart racing like the death of Jean Grey, the death of Charles Xavier, or the realization that X3 is officially retconned now. It is going to confuse the fuck out of many of them. It's also going to annoy the fuck out of Emma Frost fans and make the Cyclops-hating shit show that emerged after Secret Wars all the more confusing. Then again, if that's the worst that X-men fans have to endure these days, then that in and of itself is a win.

Final Score: 4 out of 10

PS: I really wish I could make my last profanity-laced, drunken rant of a review more uplifting. At the very least, it's not overly depressing, but I still feel like this is a good way to cap this off. I've enjoyed writing these reviews and I hope you've all enjoyed reading them, hopefully while both drunk and sober. Thanks again to everybody who supported my drunken ramblings. From the bottom of my failing heart, I thank you. Nuff said!

Death of X #3: Nuff Said!

I'm of the firm belief that anyone is capable of becoming a total asshole. I don't care if you're a pacifist nun who nurses sick animals back to health. Get stuck in traffic for three hours, get overcharged by your cable company, or get the wrong order from Starbucks and your inner asshole is going to emerge. You may not be the kind of asshole that takes a baseball bat to a window, but you'll still show you have it in you.

Cyclops has been an asshole at many stages of his life. Nobody is really shocked by that shit anymore. They haven't been since he got shit for marrying a clone. However, the key to being a true asshole is to take it out on those who don't deserve your assholery. In that sense, it's debatable how much of an asshole Cyclops is in Death of X because he's taking it out on the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. These are a team of unapologetic assholes who never did shit for anyone until it became too much of an inconvenience, but thanks to movie rights bullshit, they're treated as though their shit doesn't stink.

I say all of this because Marvel is making a concerted effort to turn Cyclops into the ultimate asshole. That shouldn't be too hard because he's been an asshole before, but against the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, Marvel is really pissing into the wind. They start going for broke in Death of X #3 and let's just say I'm not standing downwind of them in anticipation.

Just as in the last two issues, you can really tell which group has their movie rights with Marvel and which has their rights held hostage by a bunch of crack-addicted Fox lawyers. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners decided it's too damn inconvenient to just go to Madrid, work with the X-men in containing the riots that Cyclops helped trigger, and do actual hero work. Instead, they used the powers of their newest recruits to knock every single mutant and human out cold in Madrid. On top of that, they did it with a goddamn smile as though they just brought a sick puppy back to life.

Crystal and her team of fellow Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners stand over a messy, decimated city full of unconscious people and smiles. She and her buddies just shrug this shit off, thinking they just succeeded because they didn't have to unnecessarily inconvenience themselves. This is what passes as heroic for these guys. Never mind that they knocked all these people out without asking and didn't even warn the X-men, who were actually trying to get their hands dirty in saving lives. You know, like actual heroes.

I guess that concept is retarded Latin for them. Instead of actually getting their asses in gear, looking to mitigate the damage they caused by knocking everyone unconscious, they focus more on giving their new recruit a fucking code-name. Seriously, that's a higher priority for the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in this situation. Even so, we're still supposed to think these asshats are the heroes. I don't think there's enough whiskey or weed to make sense of that.

If nothing else, it continues the same theme that Death of X #1 established. It's basically an unspoken rule that the shit of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners doesn't stink. In fact, they don't even fart. They cough breath mints and spit imported vodka. Nothing they do is bad, but nothing they do is all that heroic either. Never-the-less, the X-men are supposed to work with them to fix this problem. I may be a drunk, but even I know when some relationships are just doomed to fail.

Storm and her team of X-men can keep trusting that a team of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners will go out of their way to help a vulnerable minority. Hell, she can trust that Lindsey Lohan won't fail another drug test. That still does mutants a disservice. Emma Frost understands this. That's why she's trying a different approach. That approach probably doesn't require her to be damn sexy every step of the way, but that's never stopped her before.

She and Cyclops are already hatching a plan and she's even recruiting Magneto to help them. It's not a complicated plan. It just involves Magneto keeping the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners in Madrid so they can do what they need to do. Given Magneto's history with other groups that have a legacy of racism, xenophobia, and genocide, it's safe to say he'll be plenty motivated. Emma doesn't even need to flash him her tits.

Another part of this elaborate plan involves the Stepford Cuckoos recruiting the services of another mutant. This takes them to England, home of Dr. Who, James Bond, and countless James Bond rip-offs. There, they meet up with Thomas Jones, also known as Alchemy. He's a mutant. He's not the kind of mutant who jumps at the chance to wear skin-tight spandex uniforms, but he's in a position to help. He also doesn't need to have to be knocked out or psychically manipulated to help a situation. That alone makes him more likable than every Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners not named Kamala Khan.

As this plan goes into motion, the rest of the X-men in Madrid wake up and realize that there may be some risks to working with Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners who don't like being inconvenienced. Considering they got knocked out in a city that's supposed to be ground zero for a big green mutant-killing fart cloud, that's bound to make some of them anxious. Storm certainly understands that. Having been the one to reach out to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, I imagine she's a little pissed, especially when Iceman points out that everybody got knocked out except Crystal and her Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner buddies.

If we didn't already know how badly this shit would play out for the X-men and the entire mutant race, this scene might have had more impact. Sadly, we do know how it plays out. We do know that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners come out of this smelling like Jennifer Lawrence's panties while the X-men come out smelling like Johnny Depp's last three movies. It does at least sew the seeds of doubt in the heads of the X-men that maybe the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners aren't going to do shit to help them when their species is going extinct. They may not know this now, but it does set them up to learn the hard way down the line.

After wasting plenty of time fawning over the code name of their newest recruit, Crystal and her fellow Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners finally feel inclined to get their asses in gear and help out all the people they knocked out without permission. Storm and her team of X-men decide to confront them first, if only to point out that what they did was an omega level dick move.

Crystal acts as though it's not a big deal. They knock out a bunch of innocent people and accomplished heroes without permission. She treats it like she just overcharged them for a burrito at Taco Bell. Apparently, Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't understand that knocking out innocent people is a bad thing. Does it really take a lecture from Captain America to teach these assholes what constitutes a dick move?

Naturally, things get more tense than one of Tom Cruise's divorce settlements. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, still averse to being inconvenienced in any way, decide the best way to deal with the X-men is to knock them out again. If anyone still has any sympathy for the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, then I can't help you and neither can my weed dealer. Just stick to watching reruns of Duck Dynasty.

This time, however, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners don't get to do things the easy way. This comes courtesy of Magik, who drops by and snatches up the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner who knocked everybody out. This confuses both sides, but at least it makes things more balanced. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners probably aren't used to that shit so that's fitting. It says a lot about them that a demon-loving teenage girl is more likable than they are. She makes this conflict feel balanced for once, which can't sit well with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's the first time where they can't carry themselves like their shit doesn't stink.

The situation gets unbalanced again, but this time in the X-men's favor. Seeing as how they got knocked out against their will when they went out of their way to work with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, I'd say this makes them even. However, this imbalance comes courtesy of Magneto so we have to grade this situation on a curve.

He comes packing plenty of Magneto-level heat. He also brings backup like Colossus, Wolfsbane, Rockslide, and Warpath. These are X-men who can do way more than just inconvenience the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. He makes clear that they're not going to do shit at this point. They just proved that they like to solve problems by knocking people out and treating it as though they just cured a sick baby. He even keeps Storm's team from interfering because they already lost their credibility by thinking they could trust the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's often hard to take Magneto's side when he's got a rage boner, but in this case, I don't even need to be high to sympathize with him.

With the rest of the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners restrained, Cyclops and his people put their plan into motion. They arrive outside of Madrid, staring down a massive green fart cloud that's on its way to maim innocent mutants while strengthening Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. It's the kind of sight that would make a lawyer at Disney squee with joy, but for mutants, it's the kind of pants-shitting terror that hasn't been seen since Brett Ratner.

Before it hits, Cyclops has a word with Alchemy. In doing so, he actually sounds like the Cyclops we know and love from the past several years. He doesn't come off as someone whose about to commit the worst atrocity since Joel Shumacher. He comes off as someone who just wants to save his people. He doesn't even force Alchemy to help them. That alone makes him much more credible than the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, who jump at the chance to knock innocent people out cold when the situation becomes too hard.

It still feels hallow though. We know how this is going to end. We know Cyclops is still going to become the most hated person in Marvel comics who isn't a secret Hydra agent. At the very least, we're getting one last glimpse into who Cyclops is. He's not out to commit atrocities. He's out to save his people. If that's going to make him a monster, then so be it. He'll still be more likable than any Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner not named Kamala Khan.

So...is it awesome?

The story is coherent. Things move forward, tensions rise, and nobody is more an asshole than they need to be. Given that the bar is so damn low with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, that's probably the best we can hope for these days. At the very least, the rest of the X-men start to recognize that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners can be assholes who will only ever do what is least inconvenient to them, even if it means knocking people out against their will.

If Death of X #3 accomplishes anything, it lays the foundation for future conflicts, namely Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners vs. X-men. It also provides a greater hint for what sort of horrifically evil shit Cyclops will end up doing that makes him so hated. It's still overly vague, but at the very lease, his motivations are the same as they've always been. He wants to save the mutant race from yet another extinction. After the last one killed Charles Xavier, his reputation, and his relationship with Emma Frost, I'm pretty sure he's extremely motivated to avoid another shit storm like that.

There are still a lot of problems with the setup, characterization, and context of this story. We know how it ends. We know mutants get an omega-level screw job thanks to Cyclops. Death of X has a chance to provide context to it all. For now, all it's doing is showing that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners can be assholes and nobody gives a shit. That, more than anything, sums up the current state of the X-men.

It's like watching a football game where you know the Patriots are cheating, but nobody does shit about it. Even Roger Goodell would see the issues with this setup and you wouldn't have to bribe him. This makes for a hallow story, but at least Death of X #3 tries to be more coherent and balanced than previous issues. It still fails, but it doesn't fail miserably and that's as close to a win as the X-men can get these days.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

The Problem With Inhumans vs. X-men (via ComicsVerse)

The following is an article I wrote for ComicsVerse. Just thought I'd share it here. Enjoy!

Did you hear? Marvel is pitching another hero-versus-hero event for this winter. Again.

We shouldn’t be too surprised. Ever since 2005, when the first CIVIL WAR sold like tacos at a Deadpool convention, this has been the go-to story for big Marvel events. It’s not enough to see Captain America punch the Red Skull in the jaw anymore. We need to see him knock Tony Stark’s teeth out. It may be overplayed, but it sells and we can’t blame Marvel for giving the people what they want.

There’s just one big problem with this upcoming event: It involves the X-Men and the Inhumans. On paper, this looks like a diet version of AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, but people still drink Diet Coke and tolerate the taste. If it can pit another couple of superhero teams together and get the message boards going, then why wouldn’t it be a good idea? It’s working with CIVIL WAR II. So, what’s the problem?

To illustrate this issue, here’s a little thought experiment. Go back and watch the first BACK TO THE FUTURE movie. Specifically, watch the scene in the diner where Marty McFly has to fight off Biff Tanner. Now, imagine for a second that Biff Tanner is given a shot of steroids, a fully-loaded AK-47, and an unlimited supply of crystal meth. That should give you a good idea of the problem with an X-Men vs. Inhumans conflict.

To their credit, Marvel is making a concerted effort to set up this clash. Since the nebulous eight-month gap that followed SECRET WARS and the excessive flexibility it allows, they’ve set up a status quo where mutants have been sterilized yet again after having just solved their last sterilization plot three years ago. This time, they have the Inhumans to thank for this. It turns out that the big green cloud that turns people into Inhumans also poisons mutants.

For some reason, Cyclops has a problem with this. Given how the solution to the last sterilization crisis landed him in jail, who can blame him? Naturally, he fights the Inhumans in an off-panel conflict and somehow screws up so badly that mutants are more hated than head lice, cockroaches, and the IRS combined.

The Inhumans, on the other hand, are celebrated and subject to zero Sentinel attacks, despite having their base near a heavily populated area. By all accounts, the X-Men have a long list of reasons to go to war with the Inhumans. At the top of the list: the fact that their sacred cloud is roaming the Earth, killing and sterilizing mutants everywhere, and they aren’t doing much about it. The only surprise is that it took this long for Marvel to make an event of it.

Despite these efforts, the problem remains. There’s a fundamental difference between mutants and Inhumans from a conceptual standpoint. Those differences make it impossible, if not downright asinine, for this to be a balanced conflict. It goes back to what mutants stand for. They are, and always have been, a metaphor for minority struggles. They came about in the early 1960s, just as the Civil Rights Movement was taking hold in America. They embody the traits of the marginalized, the denigrated, and the persecuted.

That’s still a powerful message today. There are outgroups and outcasts in every era. They didn’t ask to be born in their current condition. This is just the hand they were dealt. In the same way that we can’t change the color of our skin or the gender we’re attracted to, mutants and minorities like them can’t change what they are.

Compare that to the Inhumans. They are, by their own admission, not a product of nature or evolution. They’re a product of alien science experiments. That alone doesn’t set them apart too much. However, like the disclaimer in every pharmaceutical ad, it’s the fine print that makes the details so frustrating. From a mutant perspective, and a minority perspective for that matter, these details are an affront to the struggles they endure.

It’s not enough for someone to be born with Inhuman DNA. In order for them to become what they are, they have to be exposed to a very specific catalyst. In this case, it’s the Terrigen Mists. This isn’t some unseen, unpredictable force. It’s big green cloud. It’s tangible, it’s predictable, and it sweeps through an area like fog. It does nothing other than activate latent Inhumans. It’s a convenient, if not crass, way to gain superpowers. It also makes the theme of the Inhumans the complete antithesis of mutants.

As I previously stated, mutants are a metaphor for minorities. They are born this way. Just being alive is what makes them mutants. With the Inhumans, it takes an outside force to make them what they are. As a real-world parallel, that’s like saying that it takes a specific form of trauma to make somebody gay or it takes a specific kind of mental illness to make someone transgender. These are the arguments that anti-gay protesters have been using for decades. The Pat Robertsons and Rick Santorums of the world say that nobody is born this way. They say these people have a disease that must be cured.

A mutant doesn’t have control over how and when their powers manifest. For most of them, it just means surviving until puberty. An Inhuman, on the other hand, does have some level of control. Even if they don’t know whether they carry Inhuman DNA, they can just avoid the Terrigen Mists and not take a chance. This ensures they never manifest any Inhuman powers. If a parent doesn’t want their child to become an Inhuman, they can just hide them or take them to a place where the Terrigen Mists can’t get them. The parents of mutant children don’t have that luxury. It’s completely antithetical to what it means to be a minority. It’s not something that can be avoided.

The Inhumans, as a concept, are an affront to the themes of the X-Men. Despite their differences, though, the two teams could still share certain struggles. Their powers and their ability to control them makes them different. There’s still some chance that they can relate on some levels. Unfortunately, that chance passed them by long ago.

Whereas mutants emerged all over the world within various parts of human society, the Inhumans remained completely isolated and cut off from the world for most of their history. Not only that, but they govern themselves in a manner that has one too many similarities with Game of Thrones and North Korea.

The Inhumans are not run like the Xavier Institute, where there’s a mentor who simply offers others a chance to learn and grow in a safe environment. They operate in a rigid caste system the likes of which would give Mahatma Ghandi a heart attack. There’s a royal family whose power is absolute. There’s an entire population of slaves in the Alpha Primitives. Those that aren’t slaves are still isolated from the rest of the world, immersed in a kingdom whose traditions include an inherent mistrust of outsiders and a xenophobia that Ann Coulter would find extreme.

These are the X-Men’s foes: a group of super-powered, racist, xenophobic slave owners who didn’t bother doing anything for anyone until they couldn’t stay hidden anymore. It wasn’t until the events of Infinity War that the Inhumans actually made an effort to contribute to the world. Say what you will about the X-Men and their inability to foster peace with humanity. At least they actively tried to integrate with the human race. They tried to make meaningful contributions to civilization. The Inhumans never did squat until they didn’t have the luxury of staying hidden anymore.

Despite this, the Marvel Universe accepts the Inhumans as heroes. They still carry themselves as heroes. They’re still celebrated as heroes. Wannabe villains still send killer robots to attack mutant schools, but a society of racist xenophobic slave-owners? They somehow get a pass.

The very foundations of these two teams are at odds with one another. Part of what makes superhero clashes like CIVIL WAR work is that both sides have valid points. It’s possible to argue the merits of either side. It’s a little bit harder to argue the merits of a side whose traditions include racism, xenophobia, and slavery. They have to fight the X-Men, who do have a long history of helping other superhero teams and saving the world, even when it’s not convenient.

It simply can’t be an equal fight. Marvel has been trying to raise the profile for the Inhumans, albeit for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways. They dedicated an entire season of AGENTS OF SHIELD to making the Inhumans popular. The problem is that they did this by trying to make them exactly like mutants. This simply cannot be done. Making the Inhumans into mutants is like making the New York Yankees into underdogs. It cannot be done logically, believably, or with a straight face.

Despite this, the Inhumans still have the advantage in one key area: movie rights. It’s a poorly-kept secret that Marvel gives preferential treatment to characters and properties whose movie rights they own. They may deny this, but how else do they explain the X-Men and Fantastic Four being absent from cartoons, toys, posters, video games, and various merchandise? What other reason could they have for going out of their way to marginalize mutants while giving extra leniency to a secret society of super-powered beings who segregate themselves from the world, maintain a rigid caste system, and only act heroic when it’s convenient?

It’s debatable just how much movie rights will be a factor in Inhumans vs. X-Men. From the perspective of Charles Soule and Jeff Lemire, the writers of this event, it may not be more than a passing thought. Unfortunately, the perception has already weaved its way into the reality that message boards and paranoid comic fans form in their heads. Anyone who has been following politics during this year’s election season understands all too well just how much paranoia and perception play into debate.

Whatever the outcome and whatever the legal undertones, the concept between Inhumans vs. X-Men is flawed. On one side, you have a minority that has been forcibly sterilized twice in the past decade. On the other, you have a team with a tradition of racism, xenophobia, and slavery. It’s not a battle between heroes as much as it is an exercise in contrivance. The only way this story is going to work on any level is for the fundamentals to be contrived in the mold of Bat Shark Repellant. For the same company that gave us CIVIL WAR and AVENGERS VS. X-MEN, Marvel has no excuses.

Death of X #2: Nuff Said!

There are some people who just don't give enough fucks to hide their bias. I consider myself to be one of them, but I'm a drunk with no power, no influence, and poor impulse control. I didn't have a lot of fucks to give in the first place. For the folks in charge of X-men, a 50-year-old multi-billion dollar franchise, their capacity for giving fucks is inherently greater. That means they have fewer excuses and when they stop hiding their own bias, it's just a dick move.

That's what Death of X is to many X-men fans, an overtly bias dick move. They've made it painfully clear whose dicks they want to suck in this story. The X-men, under Cyclops' leadership, are grim and solemn, looking to start a war the second they have a chance. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are all sunshine and rainbows. Hell, Crystal probably shits chocolate milkshakes in their world. They've set up a horrendously bias, overtly unbalanced conflict that's about to take a bit steaming shit all over the X-men and it's not going to smell like chocolate. Death of X #2 is basically another dose of laxatives and I'll be holding my nose for the duration of this review.

My nose may suffer, but my eyes are more than happy to take in Aaron Kuder's artwork as Storm meets up with Medusa, the current ruler of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. She basically tells us the same shit we found out in the first issue. Their giant green fart cloud is killing mutants and Storm, like everyone else in the X-men, has a big fucking problem with that.

Medusa kindly points out that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners know nothing of these effects. As far as they know, their big fart cloud has the same impact on mutants as potato chips, minus the salty aftertaste. She comes off as sincere and shocked, but only to the extent that a North Korean diplomat comes off as sincere and shocked when he finds out his country has a bad reputation. At the very least, she seems willing to work with Storm on dealing with this issue, which is more than North Korea has ever managed. That much, I'll concede.

They have some pretty in depth discussions, but not much comes of it. Again, we're basically told shit we already know. And just as before, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are portrayed as all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn shit. Medusa carries herself as being just as shocked and appalled by this development. She even enlists Crystal to notify her that the next big fart cloud is heading for Madrid and they should get any mutants in its path into the next time zone. It's a wholly unreasonable request with an unreasonable time frame, but that's pretty much every Tuesday in the Marvel universe.

It seems like a concession, but there are X-men not named Cyclops who aren't convinced. Forge rightly points out to Storm that Medusa may be more inclined to help her own people than a bunch of mutants who have a nasty habit of getting attacked by killer robots. Remember, this is Forge. He builds awesome shit. He doesn't regularly beat Reed Richards in chess or anything, but if even he can sense that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners may not be entirely sincere, that's saying something.

There's a concerted effort here to make Medusa come off as an innocent, untainted victim here. She never gives the impression that the mutant-killing effects of their giant fart cloud were known. She just worries what may happen if one single mutant suspects as such. Once again, she comes off smelling like Taylor Swift's perfume.

Not surprisingly, Cyclops doesn't get that same effort. Before learning all the facts and assessing the situation, which he has done compulsively and effectively for nearly 50 fucking years, he decides to basically fuck himself over and go for broke. That involves using the collective psychic talents of Emma Frost and the Stepford Cuckoos to announce to the world that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners lied, their fart cloud kills mutants, and he's going to wage a fucking war to stop it.

Now let me stop for a moment, unclench my nose, and whiff in the bullshit here. This is the same Cyclops who, not so long ago, decided to do the exact opposite in Uncanny X-men #600. This is a character who, in nearly every other situation, assesses the situation carefully and does not jump the gun. He leaves that shit to Wolverine and others like him. Now here he is, throwing lit matches at a grease fire, and doing everything possible to NOT think this through. I expect this kind of shit from Wolverine, Deadpool, and even Spider-Man. For Cyclops though, it doesn't just feel forced. It feels like someone just spit on a blank piece of paper and called it the Mona Lisa.

He doesn't just stop at warning mutants either. He basically takes the objectivity of a North Korean reporter and claims this fart cloud will kill humans as well. Naturally, it causes the shit to hit the fan in Madrid. It's the exact opposite of sound strategy. Sure, it may rally humans and mutants to his side, but he's a fucking X-man. He knows what happens when people rally around fear and paranoia. Killer robots usually aren't far behind. The fact that Cyclops, the same skilled tactician that beat Bastion and pwned the Avengers, can't see this is a fucking joke. It's so forced that it kills any sense of drama or impact.

Along with a whole lot of terrified mutants and humans, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners get the message as well. It completely changes their mission. In the last issue, it was all sunshine and roses when they traveled to Japan to watch their fart cloud roll through a populated area. Hell, some treated it like a 4th of July barbecue. Now, an entire city is losing their shit because Cyclops delivered a psychic message that gave them plenty of reason to. It makes their task of getting mutants out of the way that much harder. Again, they're set up as the heroes and the victims. It feels about as sincere as the comments section of an anti-feminist message board because it had to be so fucking forced.

At the very least, it leads to some decent action that allows Aaron Kuder to show off his art skills. Crystal heads out into the giant fart cloud and meets up with Storm, who is uniquely equipped to deal with fart clouds. It's enough to make you wonder why the fuck the X-men ever had to move to Limbo in the first place. They got someone who can control the fucking clouds. I'm sure there's a reason, but I'm not sure it's a non-bullshit reason.

Bullshit reason or not, it does the trick. It diverts the fart cloud from Madrid and saves whatever humans or mutants would've been fucked over. This still doesn't change the fact that Cyclops scared the everloving shit out of everybody with his psychic message, but it at least mitigates one problem. That's the most the X-men can hope for these days. That's probably the most that Fox's lawyers will allow.

It's still not much of a victory in the X-men's eyes. While the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are just inconvenienced by this shit, they're burying one of their fallen friends. On Muir Island, some of Cyclops' team, as well as some visitors, show up to bury Multiple Man and his clones. It's another grim, solemn scene that highlights the bleak, dire state of the X-men. It's sad, but it's consistent with the overall theme of the story so I'll give it that.

There's even a nice moment with Colossus and Magik, which is also kind of forced because before Uncanny X-men #600, these two had a lot of reasons to hate each other. Now, they just brush that shit off without really confronting it. That may be a good way to deal with internet trolls, but issues with demon-loving siblings? That's pushing it. Still, it's a sincere moment that reinforces the X-men's sentiment towards the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. They think their big fart cloud is sacred. They'll never just destroy it. They'll gladly let mutant suffer. That's just how fucked the mutant race is these days.

Back in Madrid, people are still losing their shit. The X-men decide, reasonably so, that they need to bring in some backup to settle people the fuck down. So how does Crystal decide to help? She decides, unreasonably so, to use the powers of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners' lasted recruit from the last issue. Those powers involve putting everybody, including the X-men, to sleep. In a busy city with people driving cars, holding babies, and walking down stairs, this ranks right up there with mixing laxatives with sleeping pills in terms of a shitty idea.

They don't even have the fucking decency to warn Storm and her team. They just see all this chaos, decide it's too much of an inconvenience to actually do something, and resort to putting everyone to sleep. It works, but it's as big a dick move as anything Cyclops did. At the very least, Cyclops warned them of imminent danger. The Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners just created new danger by putting everyone to sleep without first checking whether they were holding babies, hot cups of coffee, or lit matches. Even so, they'll still come off as the innocent victims. It's so forced at this point that most people reading this will probably be numb to it at this point and I don't like being numbed unless weed is involved.

So now the X-men and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners have even more reasons to kill each other. For a moment, they're able to help one another. Then one side decides to put them all to sleep without warning them. Between this and Cyclops' bullshit, I think both sides have disqualified themselves from being labeled competent diplomats. So what's the solution? You bring in someone who's as diplomatic as a recovering crack head. That someone is Magneto.

It probably helps that Emma Frost is the one to contact him. Hell, she probably showed him her tits just to sweeten the deal. Magneto stopped putting up with Cyclops' shit towards the end of his non-revolution. Now, he has a chance to flex his nuts again with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. That means he's probably the most objective, untainted, unforced personality in this conflict. How sad is that?

So...is it awesome?

Well, I may have been better off just amputating my nose completely. Like Fox News, I never expected it to be fair and balanced. At the very least, I hoped there would at least be some fucking effort. Guess I was hoping for too much. This is not Civil War or Civil War II. Marvel is not trying to make this a balanced conflict in the slightest. They basically force Cyclops into being irrational, impulsive, paranoid, and stupid. This is the same guy who instinctively analyzes, strategizes, and counters every battle plan as a habit. Now, we're supposed to accept he's this fucking stupid? After waging war against Bastion, the Avengers, and the Phoenix Force?

Well toss a pile of shit in a bucket, mix in some ice, and call it Bud Light because that's exactly what we get in Death of X #2. There's no effort to assess or analyze the situation. It just jumps into full-blown conflict between the X-men and Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners without anybody thinking it through. There's no organization. There's no context. There's no possible way for there to be any drama whatsoever. Again, you can also tell which side Marvel favors. It basically ensures this story is so forced and contrived that it's not the least bit compelling.

Now I'm not going to blame the writers here. Charles Soule, Jeff Lemire, and Aaron Kuder are basically given a shit sandwich here that they have to eat. Too much of this reeks of the same agenda that ended the Fantastic Four's long-running series. They HAVE to make Cyclops evil and after Uncanny X-men #600, they really don't have the tools to do that. They HAVE to force it. I don't blame them, but that doesn't make the story any less shitty. If you're at all hoping for some context and depth, kill those hopes with a machete. They're not here and if Fox's lawyers have anything to say about it, they'll be legally barred for the foreseeable future.

Final Score: 3 out of 10

Revealing A (Bias) Narrative: Death of X #1

The following is my review of Death of X #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Certain characters always seem to have a target on their backs. Sometimes, those targets are so big that it doesn't take the skill of Hawkeye to hit it. It's not hard to figure out which characters have those targets. If they have alternate versions of themselves running around and aren't part of a franchise whose movie rights are wholly owned by Marvel and their Disney overlords, they should be very afraid. Unfortunately for Cyclops, he checks all of those boxes.

Since the 8-month time skip that spun out of Secret Wars, there's an ongoing mystery within the X-men comics and it's been dragging to a point where the frustration overshadows the intrigue. Cyclops did something horrible. He did something so horrible that every one of his friends and former teammates despise and disavow him. All the good he ever accomplished, from saving the mutant race from extinction to dealing with Wolverine on a daily basis, may as well be a moot point.

It's the ultimate character assassination, destroying Cyclops' entire legacy off-panel. Brett Ratner's efforts in the third X-men movie just aren't enough anymore. Now, after overly vague hints and constant whining from characters who once called him their friend, we finally get a chance to see the horrific details of why Cyclops is the worst thing to happen to mutants since Chuck Austin. Death of X #1 sets up the narrative that will finally fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, it's not a very balanced narrative.

There are two primary plots unfolding in this story. One involves the X-men investigating a distress call on Muir Island from Multiple Man. The other involves the Inhumans overseeing the Terrigen Mist as it blows through a heavily populated city in Japan. Writers Jeff Lemire and Charles Soule create a very different, if not polar opposite, tone with each plot. One is a hopeful, upbeat, cheerful endeavor right out of Ms. Marvel's fan fiction. The other is a solemn, dire confrontation with despair right out of Magneto's worst nightmares.

These contrasting tones are somewhat appropriate in that they reflect the vastly different fortunes that these franchises have gone since Secret Wars. For the X-men, any mutant not associated with Deadpool is a target subject to the strictest interpretation of Murphy's Law. If there's a way for mutants to be marginalized, denigrated, or shipped off to a demon-infested haven, then it will happen. It's just a matter of crafting it in a manner that doesn't require the Scarlett Witch going crazy.

The situation is pretty much the exact opposite for the Inhumans. They're basically on a winning streak at a black jack table where the dealer and pit boss doesn't care that they're counting cards. They're population is growing. Their influence, from the royal family to young Muslim girls from Jersey City, is expanding. They're a prominent part of a major Marvel TV show in Agents of SHIELD and the subject of a major crossover event in Civil War II. They've managed to do all of this without ever being attacked by killer robots, sterilized by magic spells, or cloned to an excessive degree.

While such contrasting tones are appropriate for the context of the story in Death of X, there's a clear and unambiguous bias that shows in the characterizations of both teams. The X-men are bleak and dire. The Inhumans are cheery and upbeat, even in the face of a Hydra attack. Reading through this issue, contrasting the portrayal of the X-men against that of the Inhumans, it's painfully obvious whose movie rights Marvel and Disney fully own.

This is most obvious in the way Cyclops is portrayed. For most of the story, he seems to pick up where he left off at the end of Uncanny X-men #600. He still has the respect and admiration of his teammates. He carries himself as competent, thorough leader through a mission that requires him to walk over the bodies of dead and dying mutants. Then, the unambiguous bias hits and undermines that characterization.

Cyclops, and his fellow X-men by proxy, are set up to be the villains of this narrative. They're dark and depressing whereas the Inhumans are sunny and upbeat. There's no real sense of balance between the two teams. Cyclops reacts to this revelation that the Terrigen Mists are poisonous to mutants in the same way he reacts to a Sentinel attack. It does not at all fit with the careful, tactful persona that he displays for most of this issue.

To make Cyclops the monster that he eventually becomes, he is effectively forced into this role. He doesn't descend into it. He doesn't stumble into it. This narrative needs a villain and instead of guiding him into that role, he is effectively shoved into it in a way that feels forced and disingenuous to the character.

The end result of Death of X is already established in the events of the post-Secret Wars X-men comics. The appeal of this narrative is the possibility of putting those events in a proper context so that it doesn't feel like Brett Ratner got to decide what happens with Cyclops. Some of that appeal is still present in Death of X #1. The skilled artwork of Aaron Kuder definitely adds to that appeal. However, the bias in the story is just too overt to make the narrative feel balance.

It's a poorly kept secret that Marvel gives preferential treatment to characters whose movie rights are not owned by another company. This doesn't have to make for a bias, unbalanced narrative. That's just the narrative we get with Death of X #1.

The details of what Cyclops did and how the outlook for the mutant race got so bleak remain unresolved, which still gives the overall narrative of Death of X promise. However, given the not-so-subtle undertones of this issue, it's painfully apparent that this conflict between the X-men and the Inhumans will not be a fair fight. Whoever has the advantage in movie rights is likely to come out ahead in more ways than one.

Final Score: 5 out of 10

Death of X #1: Nuff Said!

Mutants are fucked. The X-men are fucked. Cyclops' entire legacy is fucked. We all know this now. We've known this since the end of Secret Wars when Marvel decided that a guy who slept with both Jean Grey and Emma Frost just can't go un-fucked any longer. Everyone hates him. His team despises him. They blame him for everything bad in the world from small pox to the Kennedy assassination to Duck Dynasty getting renewed for another season. It's pettiness on a level that even the most eccentric dictator would find excessive.

Now, we're finally learning the scope and scale of how much Marvel screwed Cyclops over. They're calling this revelation Death of X. It couldn't be less ominous if the tobacco lobby weren't sponsoring it. We already know that Cyclops decides to pick a fight with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners and lost badly, forgetting that movie rights trump 50 years wroth of legacy. Now in Death of X #1, we're going to learn how Marvel justifies screwing over the leader of an oppressed minority to prop up a bunch of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Unless you're a David Duke supporter, you may want to brace yourself.

At the very least, we get a glimpse back to a time when Cyclops, the X-men, and the entire mutant race weren't completely and utterly fucked. It's a time when Cyclops still had respect, mutants still had a future, and Emma Frost still walked around in ridiculously revealing costumes. Good times indeed.

Nobody is whining about Cyclops being the most evil person to ever live, excluding Brett Ratner and Josh Trank. He's just on a mission, answering a distress call from his old X-men buddy, Multiple Man. Emma, Goldballs, Iceman, and the Stepford Cuckoos are with him and aren't accusing him of eating live puppies yet. Again, good times. They have no reason to believe that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are involved. They're just answering a distress call to help a fellow mutant in need, as X-men are trained to do.

Meanwhile in Japan, the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are flying over a city, following their big green fart cloud as it descends over a heavily populated area. Oddly enough, the same people who would probably support using killer robots against mutants don't run in terror. They just casually sit in the path of the cloud, drinking coffee and watching anime on their phones in preparation. I don't know what the Japanese word for hypocrite is, but I'm tempted to learn it in every language at this point.

Crystal is the one leading the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners through this momentous event. The other Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners by her side are...well, who gives a fuck who they are. I refuse to give their names more attention they deserve on this blog. Since this is going to be my last round of reviews, I'll just exercise my bias in the most blatant way possible and say fuck those Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Fuck them up their racist, xenophobic, slave-owning assholes.

They talk like they shit sunshine and rainbows, proclaiming that people aren't nearly as afraid of them anymore and are embracing the fart cloud. They're even getting government support that doesn't involve killer robots. The Ron Swanson in me wants to bash my head against a wall. Never mind the fact they never did jack shit to deserve any kind of adulation until they couldn't stay hidden anymore. I'm almost as pissed at the people as I am them, but the keyword there is almost.

Back with the characters who actually do the kind of shit that makes them real heroes, Cyclops and his team arrives at Muir Island to find that the big Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner fart cloud has rolled through. Unlike Japan, there are no sunny picnics and government support. There's just an insanely creepy, overtly ominous lab. It's basically the start of every shitty horror movie, but instead of killer clowns, it's caused by Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. I'm not sure which is worse.

They suspect something is very wrong. They also sense live minds, who are probably in the process of dying an agonizing death at the hands of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. Keep in mind, they don't yet know that this big fucking fart cloud is killing mutants so they walk right into it. Cyclops, the karma of having slept with Jean Grey and Emma Frost working against him, starts to show symptoms. We already know he dies, but this just makes doubly sure he's going to die ingloriously. After X3, he's probably used to it.

Not knowing just how fucked they are, thanks entirely to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, the X-men venture into Muir Island. That's when they learn what the rest of us have known since the end of Secret Wars. The big green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners worship seems to be having a nasty side-effect on mutants. They find a sick, dead, mutilated mutant who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and on the wrong end of a movie rights deal. It's sad. It's tragic. It clearly disturbs Cyclops and the rest of the X-men while the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners couldn't give less of a shit.

Back in Japan, it turns out the big green fart cloud only managed to create one new Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners out of a population of 200,000. It's not much. There are homeopathy frauds more efficient than that. Then again, does the world really need more Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners?

Hydra doesn't think so. As such, they use this as an opportunity to attack. I can't say I've ever rooted for Hydra before. It's like rooting for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, but at least Hydra isn't racist or xenophobic. They treat everyone equally shitty. That alone makes them more respectable than the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

However, Hydra seems to be playing softball with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners because they don't even bring giant robots to the battle. They just arrive with guns and start shooting. They do bring gunships, but the lack of killer robots really shows they're not trying. It makes for some generic action, but there's never a sense that they're a major threat to the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

Back on Muir Island, shit gets a bit more urgent for Cyclops and his team. They search for more mutant victims of the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner fart cloud. That's when they find Multiple Man, who was the one to send in the distress call in the first place. If there are any Multiple Man fans out there, you might want to eat a light lunch. As badly as Cyclops gets screwed over, at least he gets a chance to fight. Multiple Man does not.

In what is definitely the most dramatic moment in the story, Cyclops meets a legion of sick and dying Multiple Men. They're all mutilated, maimed, and covered in boils, courtesy of the big green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners worship. Cyclops manages to find the prime Multiple Man, who tells Cyclops what the rest of us already know. It still makes for a dramatic moment and one that definitely leaves an impression on Cyclops, who has already dealt with enough mutant plagues and sterilization plots for one lifetime.

To his credit, Cyclops doesn't immediately blame the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners for this shit. He's not Magneto. He's not Victor Von Doom. He's still working on that though. He wants to make extra sure that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners really are the ones to blame. That's pretty damn reasonable for someone everyone now hates with a passion. Even after Multiple Man dies in his arms, he still tries to assess the situation as carefully as possible. That's what makes him Cyclops.

He and Emma travel back into the lab, knowing damn well they may be poisoning themselves in the process. Cyclops gets in touch with Beast, who doesn't instinctively react by being a total douche-bag this time. Instead, he actually helps Cyclops make sense of the data. What a fucking concept, right?

Beast uses that brilliant, yet douchy mind of his to confirm what Multiple Man said. It is indeed the big green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners worship that's killing mutants. On top of that, Cyclops starts to show more symptoms. Remember, he ran right into this poison cloud not knowing it would make him sick. Now, he's that much more fucked because for a man who got to see Emma Frost and Jean Grey naked on a regular basis, karma just has to go for broke.

Back with Hydra and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners, I'm still rooting for Hydra. Despite having no reason to have any sympathy for the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners whatsoever, this battle gives Aaron Kuder a chance to really show off his art skills. The action is flashy and fun, which is the most you can hope for in a battle that involves a bunch of Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners.

It's not entirely mindless action either. That one new Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners that the big fart cloud created gets to wake up and contribute. In this case, it's a Japanese guy with a blue mohawk. I'm usually in favor of mohawks, thanks in large part to Storm's ability to make it awesome. It's still not enough to give any Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners a pass.

Naturally, the new Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner happens to have a power that ends the battle against Hydra pretty damn quickly. It's not the flashiest power in that he just knocks them out, but you can't argue with results. Kuder's art still makes it visually appealing so that much, I'll give them. I just won't give a fraction more than they deserve.

While that battle is ending, Cyclops manages to fight off the symptoms and the bad karma that's fueling them to meet with the rest of his team. He tells them exactly what Beast told them. They're fucked and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are the ones to blame. He went out of his way to confirm it, making himself sick in the process. Now, he's ready to jump to the conclusion that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are to blame and they need to do something about it.

This is where it becomes painfully obvious whose movie rights that Marvel and Disney own. They are downright overt in making sure that Cyclops is the asshole here. They make him jump to the semi-reasonable conclusion that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners are entirely at fault, as though they knew their big fucking fart cloud maimed mutants. Given that he's showing symptoms now, it's hard to blame him for being only semi-reasonable, but it still feels forced. This is a character who fought extinction and sterility for most of his life. Conveying him as the villain here just seems forced.

Meanwhile, everything is all sunshine, rainbows, and free blowjobs with the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners. They still carry themselves as though they shit imported chocolate. They now have a new Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner on their team, one who can put Hydra agents to sleep. They shower this new Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owner with love and affection, not unlike a cult trying to get your credit card information. Again, the bias of whose movie rights Marvel owns shows a bit too much here.

So...is it awesome?

Well, it is nice to see Cyclops and Emma Frost back in action. It's also nice to see them in a situation where everybody isn't blaming them for holocausts, plagues, and shit smelling like shit. Beyond that though, Death of X #1 doesn't fill in the most pressing blanks. It just shows how the X-men found out that the giant green fart cloud that the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners worship is poisonous to mutants. We kind of already knew that shit, but it's nice to at least know the context.

Beyond that though, this issue just set the stage for Cyclops' big horrific atrocity that'll piss off the entire world, kill puppies, and inspire 10 more Justin Beiber albums. The drama is somewhat muted here and the Racist Xenophobic Slave-Owners come of as somewhat creepy and cultish. Then again, when you're racist, xenophobic, and pro-slavery, I guess you have to channel your inner L. Ron Hubbard to some extent. It may actually inspire some to root for Hydra in this. Whoever you root for, Death of X #1 is basically a glorified teaser trailer with just enough extras to make it feel relevant. These days, that's as much as you can hope for.

Final Score: 5 out of 10