Royalty and Rebels: Princess Leia #1

The following is my review of Princess Leia #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Not so long ago, Disney made a comfortable living portraying a wholly unrealistic depiction of princesses. They made it out to be a world of ponies, servants, and elegant dresses. They often left out other details like having to marry cousins, raising inbred children with rare diseases, and being tabloid fodder every hour of every day. But even with those nasty details, the ponies would still be a major selling point. However, there’s another unrealistic depiction that tends to be a lot more appealing.

Princess Leia is the antithesis to many of the princesses that made Disney famous. She doesn’t wear elegant dresses. She doesn’t ride horses and sip tea. And her favorite fashion accessory is a blaster. At the beginning of the Star Wars trilogy, she was a damsel. However, she was a damsel that wasn’t afraid to fight back and have an attitude. By the end, she was on the front lines with Han Solo fighting the Empire. She even found time to look sexy in a chain bikini along the way. How many other princesses can boast that?

It’s every bit as unrealistic, a princess who will fight an evil empire and still look good in a bikini. But that doesn’t make it any less appealing. Princess Leia’s journey from damsel to warrior is just part of what gives the Star Wars mythos its appeal. But a good chunk of that journey is still undocumented. That’s the story that Princess Leia #1 attempts to explore and the results reveal that this journey had its share of potholes.

It’s easy to forget that Princess Leia is now the royal figurehead of a planet that just got blown up by the Death Star. Her entire world and the entire culture of Alderan was just wiped out with the same callousness that most exercise when closing an annoying pop-up ad. She never had a chance to deal with that in A New Hope, nor did she have a chance to confront the implications. It’s this event that starts Leia’s new journey, but it also shows she’s somewhat ill-prepared.

In addition to giving metals to Han and Luke for their efforts against the Death Star, she attempts to unite the rebels in their mourning for Alderan. However, she’s no Winston Churchill with her speeches. She doesn’t exactly bring her fellow rebels to tears like tweens attending a One Direction concert and that’s somewhat telling. It gives a distinct impression that Leia is not the kind of princess who is fit for these ceremonial roles. She’s not going to inspire the masses at rallies. She’s not going to worry them either by showing up in the tabloids with her getting drunk at a night club. In many ways, she’s not sure what kind of princess she’ll be and she’s exactly presented with many options.

It’s a situation that many other Disney princesses can relate to. She wants to be more than a royal version of Vanna White, but the Rebel generals don’t like the idea of her poking the Empire more than she already has. To be fair, they give a fairly reasonable explanation and that never would’ve flown in Downton Abby.

Being the princess of a planet the Empire went out of its way to destroy, she has a big price on her head. She could basically turn anyone with crippling gambling debt into a certified bounty hunter if she stumbles into the wrong area. Keeping her alive is good for the rebellion, especially at a time when they’re on a winning streak. She’s like a star running back on a football team that wants to take up rock climbing. It puts her in unnecessary danger when they need her to keep the streak going.

Reasonable or not, Princess Leia still makes that fateful decision to be than just a princess. But it isn’t a decision that she makes just because handing out metals is boring. She actually meets someone who openly criticizes her for her lackluster speech for Alderan. This character, Evaan, isn’t all that memorable. She’s basically Leia if she were a rebel pilot rather than a princess, but she essentially tells Leia what she needs to hear to make her decision.

By going against the leaders of the Rebel Alliance, she starts that journey that will eventually take her to tundra of Hoth and the forests of Endor. It’s an important step for her character, but it’s a step that lacks significant drama. There isn’t much emotion that goes into her decision. There’s a sense that she already wanted this. She just needed to find someone who would give her the right nudge. It slows the pace of the story at times, but it still focuses on the right elements. Princess Leia is going to help the Rebel Alliance and she’s going to do it her way. Sure, she might end up in a trash compactor at times, but it still establishes her as the kind of Princess who is more comfortable with a blaster than an evening gown.

The themes in Princess Leia #1 fit nicely into the overall mythos of Star Wars in that it explores Leia’s role in wake of the loss of Alderan. It’s a critical time where she’s in a position to make plenty of fateful decisions. The effects of these decisions eventually play out in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but they now have a greater context in terms of the journey that got her to these fateful moments. That journey is still unfolding and at a somewhat sluggish pace. But the fruits of that journey have been known since the mid-80s. Knowing the context of that journey just helps make those fruits taste even sweeter.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Princess Leia #1

I used to think that only women saw the appeal of princesses. I admit, it’s a sweet gig. They get to live in a big ass castle, spend a fuckton of money they never worked a day of their life to earn, and have an army of servants that will do anything short of gouging their own eyes out for shits and giggles. But then I discovered the internet and Rule 34. I think it’s safe to say that men have a sweet spot for princesses in addition to some pretty fucked up tastes in porn. Men are just as capable of being allured by a rich, powerful woman and will channel their inner Anna Nichole Smith to get it. In that sense, Princess Leia is the ultimate princess for man-child-whores.

She’s got everything most princesses only wish they had. She’s sexy, tough, charismatic, and she doesn’t need to throw money at people to get them to listen to her. And instead of spending her money on Gucci purses and manicures, she spends her money refining her skills with a blaster. That and she looks great in a metal bikini. Can’t take that away from her. And now that Star Wars is owned by Disney, the mack daddy of fantasy princesses, it’s only natural that they would give Princess Leia her own series. And Princess Leia #1 makes a strong case that she fucking deserves it.

First, she shows that she knows how to be a princess in the classical sense. She can look all pretty and royal during a ceremony. And as it just so happens, she gets to do just that at the iconic ceremony where she awards Luke, Han, and Chewy with metals for their efforts to destroy the Death Star. It’s a nice touch because it helps pick things up directly where A New Hope left off, giving a sense of continuity that the Marvel movies have gotten us addicted to. She also gives a nice, but half-hearted speech about the destruction of Alderan. It’s not exactly a speech in the spirit of Winston Churchill, but it is a fitting job for a princess in terms of being an inspirational figure. In terms of being a princess, that’s something that will surely satisfy the Disney overlords.

Her lackluster speech doesn’t go unnoticed by the other rebels. They have a right to be a little concerned. She’s still the fucking princess now. Like it or not, she’s a figurehead. She’s supposed to inspire a rebellion that’s going against an Empire that has the resources to build giant planet-killing space stations. Some say she just needs time to mourn for the loss of her home world and that’s fair. But when they’re up against enemies like Darth Vader, whose idea of mourning probably involves Force choking a gungan, mourning is kind of a luxury.

She still takes the time to meet with Han, Chewy, and Luke. It makes for some nice moments that perfectly capture they chemistry they established over the course of A New Hope. And because this happens before numerous revelations, some might get a bit of an incest vibe from Luke and Leia. But that shit is best left to perverse minds that ensure Rule 34 has no exceptions. What makes this moment meaningful is that Luke points out how Leia tends to avoid leaning on others for support. That’s kind of how they ended up in a trash compactor on the Death Star. And if they want to end up in less trash compactors, then that might be something she should think about.

This leads to some more royal paper-pushing that’s barely as compelling as it sounds. Leia meets up with Admiral “It’s a Trap!” Ackbar in hopes of meeting with General Dodonna. Despite looking like a prop in a fish tank, he’s a real hardass. He just barely touches on the loss of Alderan, giving Leia the same attention as Homer Simpson gives his kids during a football game. It feels unnecessary and tedious, but it helps establish the kind of environment Leia has to work in. I just think there are much easier ways of showing how royal politics sucks.

She eventually does get to meet General Dodonna, who isn’t much more charismatic than Ackbar. He just looks like a bad cross between an Amish guy and Jor-El from Superman. He’s not as much a hardass, but he offers more proof that rebel politics still suck. Leia makes it clear that she wants to serve the rebellion as more than just a pretty figurehead who gives out metals. Dodonna takes it about as seriously as my high school guidance counselor when I told him I wanted to fly rockets and bang hot alien women. But unlike my guidance counselor, Dodonna offers a more valid reason aside from my rocket science skills being on par with my last algebra test.

Dodonna points out that because of her status, the Empire has a price on her head that would turn any drunk with an excessive bar tab into a bounty hunter. Like it or not, she’s still the face of the rebellion. It wouldn’t be good for anyone if that face ended up getting served on a platter with a side of Wookie’s leg in front of the Emperor. He even says that the Empire is hunting down surviving Alderanians to look for her. So if she has any plans to head out into the galaxy and piss off the Empire, she can forget it. This still isn’t the typical excuse that old men in Disney movies use to keep princesses in line, but it serves the same purpose.

Even if Dodonna’s reason is valid, Princess Leia doesn’t care for it. So she starts snooping around some of the other rebels, listening in on what they think of her as a figurehead. She probably heard more than a few remarks about how she looked sexier with her Cinnabon hair, but she eventually does come across something more valid.

One female rebel pilot, Evaan, was especially vocal about her lackluster speech. She quickly bites her tongue and clenches her asshole when Leia approaches, but she doesn’t ask for her head. She asks for an honest assessment and she fucking gets it. Evaan reveals that she was among the lucky Alderans who wasn’t there when the Death Star paid them a visit. She even reveals that she was mentored by Leia’s (adopted) mother. So she has an emotional stake in losing her planet as well and she get pissed when the so-called princess doesn’t react as strongly as she should.

She still shows some loyalty to Leia, but she’s not exactly lining up to kiss her royal boots. She wants what Leia wants. She wants to save what’s left of Alderan, but she’s not going to do that by just fucking mourning. Evaan’s point is entirely valid and Leia probably agrees with it. That said, I’m still not sure what to make of Evaan. She’s a pretty blonde rebel pilot, but not in the Emma Frost sort of way. She’s basically a copy of what Princess Leia already feels. She has some history, but not enough to make her interesting just yet.

But this story isn’t about Evaan or her opinion on ineffectual princesses. This is about Leia going from a princess who hands out shiny metals and kisses smugglers to a badass rebel fighter. She finally takes a big step when she leaves General Dodonna an elaborate message essentially telling him she understands his advice, but she thinks it’s full of shit. So in the form of another holographic message from R2, she doesn’t ask for help. She just tells him that she’s going to be a stubborn, hardass princess who actually fights for her people. She basically says she’s going to be the ruler that some people wish President Obama could be. Except Leia doesn’t have to deal with Congress so she’s got a leg up.

She ends up getting help from Evaan. While General Dodonna is shitting himself and/or jerking off to the idea of a princess being a badass rebel, they jump an X-wing and fly off Yavin. It’s a critical step and one that’s pretty momentous in the context of the Star Wars mythos. This is Leia going from the woman who needed rescuing to the woman who rescues others. It’s a big part of what made her even sexier in that metal bikini during Return of the Jedi and now that process has begun. Star Wars fans of all kinds should appreciate this moment.

The rest of the rebels aren’t quite as enthusiastic about it. General Dodonna sends a couple of other X-wings after her to reel her in. He even includes Luke and Wedge. That adds a little extra tension because if they were just random rebels, Princess Leia could just tell them to go fuck off. But these are two pilots whose last mission involved blowing up the Death Star. She can’t exactly challenge them to a space drag race or something, especially when Luke went through the trouble of rescuing her. I’m sure he doesn’t want to get stuck in a trash compactor with her again.

While the tension is nice, it’s not all that dramatic. There’s no heartfelt plea or anything. But there is a nice space dog-fight. There are no shots fired or anything so it’s not as flashy as the Death Star battle, but it isn’t intended to be. It’s pretty much the only major action in the story thus far, but it serves a purpose. I guess in a poetic sense, it can symbolize Leia running from her old duties as Princess to embrace her new duties as a rebel. I never cared much for poetry so I’ll just say it’s a glorified chase scene.

It takes a little tact and deception, but Leia does eventually manage to get the better of Luke and Wedge. Evaan is able to make the jump into hyperspace and they get away. So Luke and Wedge fail in their mission to retrieve her, but Luke isn’t all that upset about it. He probably had a feeling that dragging Leia back to Yavin would be more trouble than it’s worth. He just got done destroying the Death Star. He deserves a pass, especially if Leia is going to do something badass. She just needs to stay away from trash compactors.

Now in hyperspace, Princess Leia embraces her new friend and they set out on a new mission. And hopefully, this one won’t end with them needing to be rescued. It’s a good moment, although it’s still hard to make a judgment on Evaan. Right now, she’s just the pilot crazy enough to help the princess. She doesn’t have much of a personality or a role yet, but she’ll probably have to get one soon if she’s going to survive a mission with Princess Leia. She’ll just have to hope that Hugh Hefner’s method of using hot blondes to fulfill his life goals has some merit.

There’s something to be said about powerful women rebelling against propriety, even in an age where there are more washed up reality stars than there are royal families. It’s a concept that terrifies powerful men for some reason or another. The idea that a princess has to be sheltered rather than kick ass sounds like one of those old school traditions that was basically an elaborate excuse to keep powerful women from fucking around and having illegitimate kids. It may or may not apply in the world of Star Wars, but Princess Leia gave that shit the finger in a very satisfying way.

The strength of this issue is establishing clearly that Princess Leia is not content with just being a princess anymore. She just lost her planet. She recently got herself kidnapped. Rather than curl up in a ball and cry about it into a pile of royal silk sheets, she decides to do something about it. She decides to be part of the rebellion rather than just be a symbol. It’s a defining moment that helps highlight her transition from a helpless princess in A New Hope to a badass rebel in The Empire Strikes Back.

It still unfolded a bit too slowly and lacked good melodrama, but it felt like a complete transition. Princess Leia made the decision that will set her on the path to teaming up with Ewoks and she made it in a convincing manner. She even gained a new gal pal in Evaan to help her. She’s not exactly iconic just yet, but she’s already more compelling than Queen Amadala ever was. I give Princess Leia #1 a 7 out of 10. This is a book that feminists and fanboys alike can enjoy. Raging douche-bags or Downton Abby fans might not care for it, but the existence of those assholes are the exact reason why characters like Princess Leia are so important.

X-men #7 Preview - Random Returns

As someone who has blacked out many times and returned with little explanation and no pants, I'm in no position to judge characters who are MIA for a long time. I understand that the Marvel universe is a big fucking place and not every character can be properly scrutinized. That would be like trying to count the pubic hair on a porn star's snatch rather than enjoying the package as a whole. And given the size and breadth of the X-men, it's not uncommon for some characters to just disappear for a while without even the common courtesy of a tragic death.

But with Kitty Pryde giving the finger to and ditching the Jean Grey Institute with the Original Five, Brian Wood's all-female X-men team has a vacancy. And like a struggling football team checking the waiver wire after getting shut out on Monday Night Football, they're looking to tap some under-utilized talent. I like to think that it's not just because Marvel has a quota of beautiful women to fill, although I strongly suspect that their coveted male demographic demands it. Brian Wood already announced last month that his all-female X-men team would be facing a reborn Sisterhood of Evil Mutants. Naturally, they need more girl power to compensate for Kitty Pryde's departure. And in a preview released by Comic Book Resources, we find out that someone literally just barges right in to fill the void.

CBR: X-men #7 PREVIEW

I'm all for beautiful women just coming out of nowhere and making themselves at home. It makes for a great porno, but not a great comic. My penis still approves though.

So Lady Deathstrike is back and has a pussy boner for bringing shit back from the dead and using it to fuck with her enemies. I guess that makes her a metaphor for every creepy goth kid that ever lived. And while it is nice to see the details of Jubilee's adoption of Shogo get addressed, Monet sort of ruined the moment. She might as well have barged in on Iceman while he's jerking off to old pictures of Kitty Pryde. I know I make a big deal about the little details in my reviews, but they really do make a difference. They are what separates the good comics from the awesome comics. I hope that there's more of an explanation of why Monet has decided to re-join the X-men. If there isn't, I'm just going to assume she's bored and too embarrassed to buy a vibrator.

I'm glad to see Wood keeping the girl power aspects of the story. The only characters with dicks in this preview are Shogo and Beast. Granted, I think Shogo is more man than Beast at this point, but I think angry feminists will be pleased with this setup. Then again, I know some probably won't be pleased until Wood does an arc that involves every female X-men taking turns castrating Wolverine. That probably won't happen outside Hillary Clinton's wet dreams, but at a time when women are keeping assholes like Mitt Romney out of public office and getting a new Miss Marvel, I think they have a lot to be proud of. Nuff said!

Scanned Thoughts: X-men #4

Put on your socks and grab your cocks because you're about to read the ramblings of comic book blogger with a drinking problem, among many others. I don't hide my deficiencies on this blog, nor do I pretend they don't affect me when I read and review a comic. But if you want sober, insightful reviews, there are plenty of other blogs and websites operated by total pussies that can accommodate your tastes. I'm here to accommodate those who want deranged, drunken ramblings to assess their favorite comics. These are the wonderful people I cater to and for them, I have once again soaked my brain in illicit chemicals and crafted a review of X-men #4. What follows may not be intelligible or logical, but these are my fucked up thoughts on X-men #4. Enjoy!

So what sort of trouble will Jubilee get into today? Will she French kiss Dracula? Walk down a busy street in Saudi Arabia while wearing a bikini? Actually, she doesn’t get into any trouble that involves someone needing to pull her ass out of the fire again. I’ll give readers a moment to let that sink in because I’m sure that’s like Mitt Romney saying, “Being rich is overrated. I’m giving all my money to the poor.” But I’m being serious in a semi-sober way. Jubilee isn’t in any danger this time. She’s just spending a day at the beach in California with Wolverine and her new adopted son, Shogo. She even makes a passing reference about her being a vampire. It’s small and it took four fucking issues to even come up, but much like a lap dance from a hot stripper with ADHD, it’s still satisfying.

For those who think a day at the beach is way too boring a premise for a comic book (who are probably the same people who have never been to Cancun during Spring Break), there is an equally satisfying story that involves a plane going down over the arctic and a group of beautiful X-women showing up to save the day. It’s basic. Stopping a plane from crashing in a comic book is like reheating leftover pizza. It’s so familiar and common that it’s hard to get too excited about. But in this instance, it works and for reasons that don’t require an extra hit of LSD.

It’s easy to forget sometimes that the X-men aren’t just a metaphor for minorities, outcasts, and anybody who still listens to Celine Dion. They are actual heroes. That means that they have to divide their time between fighting the bigotry that Fox News calls “liberty” and saving lives that can’t be saved without the aid of superpowers. And recently, the X-men have sucked at time management because so many of their stories consist of limiting how fucked they are in wake of M-Day, the Hellfire Club, and Avengers vs. X-men. So to see the X-men just say, “Fuck it. Let’s just go stop a plane crash and save innocent lives,” is refreshing. It also helps that this contingent of X-men includes only women, ensuring that lives will be saved and boners will be served. It’s the best two-for-one deal that doesn’t involve bacon.

Jubilee and Wolverine’s stint at the beach isn’t the only activity they have planned that doesn’t involve blowing up sentinels. Wolverine also drives Jubilee down her old neighborhood and past her old house. It makes for a nice moment where Jubilee reflects on her early life, which fans not familiar with her or too lazy to Google her might not know. She reflects on how she had it so good, a pretty girl in Beverly Hills, before her life went to shit. But unlike most pretty girls, she doesn’t break down and whine about it. That alone makes her more mature than 95 percent of the teenage girls I’ve ever known and more than equips her to handle a kid. That or I just catch way too many teenage girls on their period.

Whatever time of the month it may be for the rest of the X-women, they’re more than equipped to handle a crashing plane. But like the overachieving Asian girls in advanced math classes, these X-women have to go the extra mile. That includes Storm coming up with a plan, Psylocke using her powers to hook a fully loaded passenger jet like a fish, and Rogue copping a feel to borrow some powers so she can mount the plane like a cowboy. I swear that’s not as sexual as it sounds, but damn it if it doesn’t give me a raging boner. Oh, and they all have to do this while standing on top of the X-jet in the kind of blistering cold that would freeze a lesser man’s nuts off. It’s enough to emasculate any man, but the boner helps.

I imagine trying to hook a passenger jet is still not as hard as trying to feed a baby. I’m not sure that makes Jubilee’s efforts to feed Shogo any more heroic, but it’s another one of those little details that don’t always get explored in comics. There’s no need for crashing planes and killer robots here. It’s just Wolverine and Jubilee sharing lunch at a food court in a Beverly Hills mall. Hell, it might as well be a 90210 rerun minus the teen drama. There is drama here, but it’s not of the teen variety. It comes mostly from Wolverine, who essentially tells Jubilee that she has grown a lot from the timid teenage mall rat the X-men found years ago. And because of that, she’s more than equipped to handle a kid. So what if she’s a teenage vampire? That still makes her a better parent than Honey Boo Boo’s entire family by default. And it’s not like being a teenage mother will make her any more an outcast than being a mutant or vampire.

This isn’t the only drama that unfolds in this issue. While the spectacle of the X-women saving a passenger jet is pretty basic shit, not everyone on the team is treating it like a slumber party at Ryan Gosling’s house. From the beginning of the operation, there has been some serious tension between Rachel Grey and Storm and it’s not the kind of tension that makes for good lesbian porn sadly. The battle with John Sublime and Arkea is still fresh in their minds and Rachel hasn’t forgotten that Storm was prepared to kill Omega Sentinel to stop Arkea. For some reason, she has a problem with that and with her being the leader. Just because she’s boning Wolverine doesn’t mean she has authority by default, although I imagine it still goes a long way.

It’s a great scene, even if it is somewhat underdeveloped. This team of X-women doesn’t exactly carry themselves like a team just yet. By all intents, they just happened to be hanging out when the Arkea conflict began. And story didn’t end with them painting their nails and deciding they should form their own team. It’s only now that the idea has dawned on them and some have real issues with it. Storm has been the leader of the X-men before, but given that she has recently been divorced and the X-men’s last leader is now a wanted fugitive, it’s not unreasonable to question or qualifications. It’s a nice moment to have while Rogue, Psylocke, and Kitty Pryde are making saving a passenger jet look both easy and sexy.

For Jubilee and Wolverine, they’ve had enough action for one day. They’ve had their share of moments and Jubilee has made it clear that she is going to raise Shogo. For two characters that have always been closely associated, it’s a very good day and they didn’t even have to kick Apocalypse in the nuts. But Wolverine isn’t done making it better for Jubilee and her new son. While she’s sleeping near a pool, he actually calls up a real estate agent and offers to buy Jubilee’s old house. It was for sale and Jubilee said she didn’t want it back. But just in case she changes her mind, why not make it an option? For Wolverine, a guy best known for being an ill-mannered asshole, it’s a pretty awesome gesture. I couldn’t even get my favorite teacher in school to buy me beer. Yet Wolverine bought Jubilee a fucking house. How’s that for a dedicated teacher?

But I guess it just wouldn’t be a fitting X-men comic if something didn’t go horribly wrong. It also wouldn’t be a fitting X-men comic if there weren’t two beautiful female heroes in skin-tight outfits helping teenage boys through puberty. Hooking the plane and keeping it from crashing was the easy part. But along the way, Rogue started having too much fun with Psylocke’s powers and got knocked off the wing. Normally beautiful women being reckless leads to much darker results, but this time Storm was able to fly out into the cold and save her friend. It’s the mark of a good leader and dirty male fantasies. I’m not sure if this seals the deal with them being a team or Storm being a leader, but I say it makes a very strong case. And as someone who has had to deal with his share of lawyers, I say case fucking closed!

So the X-women save the day and Jubilee has a nice moment with Wolverine. It’s one of those few rare good days for the X-men in the Marvel universe. If you’re expecting some ominous threat to emerge or for some twist that the plane was being flown by Sinister, stop holding your breath unless you’re taking a bong hit. There’s none of that shit this time. It’s just a simple comic with a simple resolution that ends with Jubilee getting a nice Facebook worthy picture with Shogo. And it doesn’t even involve any photobombing. If that doesn’t make for a good day in the life of the X-men, I don’t know what does.

I consider myself a man of simple tastes. Give me a bottle of whiskey and mid-priced hooker and I’m a happy guy. The same applies to comics. Not every issue needs to be some epic struggle that threatens to rip the universe a new asshole. And not every issue of X-men needs to involve Wolverine getting pissed off to the point where he carves up someone’s intestines and bitches about how much he hates Cyclops. Sometimes an issue that just shows the X-men being heroes and Wolverine being a halfway decent guy to one of his students is awesome enough. X-men #4 had basic heroes and Wolverine NOT being a total asshole. It’s as simple a combination as steak and whiskey, proving once again that simplicity can be pretty damn awesome. I give X-men #4 a 9 out of 10. This is a comic that tells the story of beautiful women being heroes without showing their breasts and a teenage girl dealing with motherhood without it being bullshit abstinence propaganda or some shitty reality show. In other words, suck it MTV. Nuff said!

Second Coming Uncanny X-men #524: Fraction Falters

So far each issue of the Second Coming crossover has been a case study in kick ass X-men awesomeness. The action, drama, and characterization has been so beautifully crafted that it leads readers to wonder just how great this crossover can be. With each issue it's a nervous wait as to whether or not this insanely awesome pace can keep up. Well wait no more. Uncanny X-men #524 by Matt Fraction has answered this question with an emphatic no.

It's true. This issue has finally stemmed the awesome that made the first four issues so mind-blowingly cool. Matt Fraction seemed to write the weakest of these first four issues with Uncanny X-men 523. So it's only fitting that his next issue would be the one that brings the series back down to Earth and in a way that equals a kick to the balls and a slap to the face. That's not to say that this issue is bad. On it's on it's still pretty solid. But compared to the issues that came before it, Uncanny X-men #524 ran head first into a brick wall while wearing a rocket powered jet pack.

The transition to this issue is still pretty smooth. The action picks up right where the previous issue left off with everybody standing over the dead body of Nightcrawler.


It's a touching and powerful moment that is also coupled with anger. Hope is clearly taking some of the blame for leading Nightcrawler to his death. It was the mission to rescue her that led to this tragedy. Naturally, she runs off as any upset 17-year-old would. That's when the meeting so many has been waiting for takes place. Cyclops comes face-to-face with the girl who he has placed all his faith in for mutant kind. One might expect this to be a very powerful moment. Not only is this the X-leader meeting the mutant messiah, but he's meeting a girl that has grown a lot since their last encounter. And not only has she grown. She's grown into someone very familiar.

Let's look at the facts. Hope has red hair, green eyes, and a dress sense that is strangely similar to Jean Grey when she was wielding the Phoenix. You would think Scott Summers of all people would pick up on that and be a bit unnerved. Keep in mind this is a guy who once married a woman solely because she looked like Jean Grey. Yeah, she turned out to be an evil clone, but that's besides the point. This is the mutant messiah here and what does he tell her? Not a whole hell of a lot, that's for sure. This could have been such a powerful moment and all Cyclops really told her was to stay alive. If that's the best advice the leader of the mutant race can give then they might as well be taking orders from Dr. Phil.

While all this is going on, the stage is being set for the next battle with Bastion. Now that Hope is on Utopia, they need a new plan and Bastion has one in the form of Donald Pierce. This is where it helps to follow the continuity. Donald Pierce has been a prisoner under Danger for a while now, but somehow he's managed to reprogram Danger so that she doesn't realize she's looking at an empty seat. It's not clear on how this happens. The explanation must have gotten lost between Fraction's notion that he can make light of the Cyclops/Hope moment and that Hope looking like Jean means nothing to the story. There's is still some substance though because this reveals that Bastion's goal was to get the teleporters like Nightcrawler out of the picture so that the X-men would have nowhere to go. He's essentially boxing them in and hoping to surround them so his mutant-hating forces can beat them to a pulp, piss on their corpses, and do a victory dance all in the same confined area. Saves them the time of traveling.


Bastion isn't the only one with plans though. Cyclops has plans as well. With Nightcrawler dead and Magik stuck in Limbo, he's putting together another plan on the fly. It's a testament to his leadership and tactical skills, but this is where the biggest problem of the comic comes to light.

Matt Fraction has made no secret of his Cyclops fetish. He has said many times before that he loves Cyclops and Emma Frost both as characters and as a couple. He goes out of his way to make them seem so awesome that everyone else are just flies buzzing around a searchlight, constantly being outshined by the sheer brilliance of this character. This is all well and good for Cyclops fans, but this book isn't called Uncanny Cyclops. It's called Uncanny X-men. Fraction can't seem to see two feet in front of his nose or one foot behind his ass because he insists on giving Cyclops all the panel time he can, giving him all the important dialogue and making everyone else just pawns in his game. At times you could take other characters like Cannonball, Emma Frost, and Colossus and replace them with muppets and the cast of Thundercats and they would have the exact same impact. That's how bland the characterization is here.


I love Cyclops as much as the next X-fan, but Fraction takes it fifteen and a half steps too far. He lets no one criticize him. He lets no uncertainty show. And he always sticks Emma Frost by his side, making her his arm candy as if to say "Look at me! I'm the man with the plan and I got a hot ass bitch I get to fuck whenever I want! I'm so awesome!" Fraction's a good writer, but when he can't get beyond his own ego then the man is on a power trip that requires some Thorezine and possibly some heavy counseling.

Cyclops isn't the only bias. He has an admitted fetish for Pixie too, who now has the burden of taking a team of mutants into Limbo to rescue Illyana. It almost seems as though Nightcrawler's death is opening the door for Pixie to take over. Because who doesn't love a cute, pink-haired mutant with wings more than a blue-skinned religious man who looks like a demon? It sounds like someone is in need of sensitivity training because Pixie could have easily been a better choice than Nightcrawler, but Cyclops kept her back and there was never much of a reason for that. It just feels contrived, like Fraction is some mischievous prankster carefully re-arranging the contents of a packed closet so that it collapses a certain way.

This isn't the only awkward characterization. Fraction also finds time to bring Magneto back in the picture. He's been in a coma since Uncanny X-men 522 when he brought back Kitty. But Hope's return was just the wake-up call he needed so when Cyclops sends Hope and Cable to the infirmary for a checkup, the master of magnetism makes his presence known. And what should be another powerful moment turns into something creepier than a pervert's pecker in a panty tornado.


He actually manages to make friends with Hope, stating that everything is still going to hell even though she's here like she's supposed to be. Magneto is taking a play out of his old battle plan, tempting others at how their potential isn't being utilized and only he can help. This in and of itself isn't bad characterization. What stands out here is that Hope seems to be taking him seriously and after what she's shown in the past few issues, that's just seizure-inducing weirdness. This is a girl trained by Cable. She should know better and Fraction shows her hesitating about as much as Tiger Woods hesitates when a pretty cocktail waitress comes to his table.

These awkward moments do bring down the issue, but there are great moments that keep the awesome flowing. The end scene was especially powerful where the team hauled Nightcrawler's coffin outside for a ceremony. This is very well-done because the death isn't cheapened. Everybody takes a chance to say some words about Nightcrawler and what he meant to them and the team. It was all very well done and captures so much of what was awesome about this character.


However, as touching and meaningful this moment was it gets soured at the end by a big furry cat who can't resist coughing up a hairball. That's right. Beast makes an appearance after having jumped ship in Uncanny X-men 520. Again, Fraction's characterization is really underhanded. If the character isn't Cyclops, he puts about as much effort into the job as Homer Simpson. Beast just comes out yelling, pissing and moaning about how Cyclops is responsible for this and how Nightcrawler's death is on him. You would expect Beast of all people to at least wait until the guy isn't carrying the freakin' coffin on his back to chew his ass out for it. But Fraction's version of Beast is about as insensitive as Chef Gordon Ramsey. Beast is the one that comes off as an asshole while Cyclops once again comes out shining. It's Fraction's writing in a nutshell and it really hinders the potential awesome.


The overall issue does help move the story forward. Fraction doesn't completely destroy the momentum or take everything off on a tangent or completely handicap every writer that has to follow this issue. But he falls short in so many ways. His characterization compared to that of Zeb Wells, Craig Kyle, Chris Yost, and Mike Carey is a joke. He's like an undrafted rookie playing in the Pro Bowl. He just can't do his part the way the others can. He makes a good effort, but his ego and his Cyclops bias prevents him from succeeding.

In addition the art was solid, but Terry Dodson really didn't come through the way others have in this Crossover. The expressions at times seemed too bland. You can't tell how shocked or saddened anyone is and it comes off as being too cartoonish. That's not the style of this series. It fits about as well as an gazelle in a lion's den, but it still gets the job done.

There is still a lot left with Second Coming. This issue just marks the end of Act 1 and now Act 2 is gearing up. The seeds have been planted and the awesome promises to pick up with Zeb Wells in New Mutants. But Matt Fraction's take in Uncanny X-men #524 adds some major bumps along the path. It's nothing that can't be overcome, but it's enough to make readers groan that this guy is still going to be on the books after Second Coming is over while writers like Craig Kyle and Chris Yost are leaving. It hardly seems fair. That's why this book gets a 3 out of 5 and a C-plus. Alone it's okay, but compared to the rest of Second Coming it's a weak link in what was once a very strong chain.