The Ties That No Longer Bind: Uncanny Avengers #1

The following is my review of Uncanny Avengers #1, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

Retcons are to comics what root canal is to hockey players. It’s an unavoidable hazard that often results in some ugly scars. Sometimes it’s necessary to minimize the damage of poorly thought-out stories. The entire Clone Saga comes to mind. But more often than not, a retcon is like adding nitro-glycerine to any mixture. It doesn’t take much to blow up in everyone’s face. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t make for a compelling story.

Marvel’s latest attempt at an overly bold retcon isn’t quite at Clone Saga levels, but it has the potential to be. The biggest fallout from Avengers and X-men: AXIS involved a complete deconstruction of the history of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. In a revelation that drops a load of napalm on several decades of established continuity, the Scarlet Witch found out that Magneto was not her biological father. That essentially means that all her roles in the human/mutant struggle might as well have been a Simpson cameo.

Such a retcon has left a lot of cracks in the foundation of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. And by some remarkable and completely expected coincidence, it’s just in time for their debut in Avengers: Age of Ultron. But this unstable foundation is the bedrock on which Uncanny Avengers #1 is built. From a conceptual point-of-view, it’s attempting to run a marathon with lead bricks attached to its feet. The ends results might not get it to the finish line in record time, but it still manages to run a competitive race.

The story doesn’t attempt to gloss over the big revelation about Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s lineage. Instead of dealing with the massive ramifications caused by Avengers and X-men: AXIS, it focuses in on this new issue of who fathered the Maximoff twins. It is admittedly a more pressing story than an inverted Sabretooth or the overly contrived drama surrounding Havok and Wasp. The problem is that this story doesn’t just hit the ground running. It hits the ground in the middle of the race.

Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch have already ditched the new Unity Squad, which had to undergo some impromptu recruiting. They’re now on their own personal quest to find out who their real father is and this takes them to Counter-Earth, a fascinating world created by the High Evolutionary. But for some reason, this quest involves them cheating at a card game and picking a bar fight. It makes Counter-Earth feel more like Mos Eisley in Star Wars and less like a strange new world that they have to navigate in order to uncover the truth. And unlike Han Solo, they don’t succeed. They end up getting shot, ensuring that no Greedo issues arise.

This conflict leads to plenty of bar fights, high speed chases, and angry poker players. There are some moments that explore how Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are reacting to this revelation, but it remains secondary. It ends up making the impact of that revelation feel rushed. They go from learning the truth about their heritage to picking bar fights on Counter-Earth. It gives a clear impression that they skipped a few steps.

More steps have to be skipped in order for the rest of the Unity Squad to go after them. They already know from recent experience that an upset Wanda Maximoff can only end badly. They attempt to go after them in hopes of preventing another inversion or genocide. Again, there is some effort made to explore their reactions to the revelation that Magneto did not father the Maximoff Twins. But these reactions really don’t factor heavily into the plot. They just follow their trail to Wundagore, try to teleport to Counter-Earth, and encounter some complications along the way. It’s basically follows the same structure as a rerun of Scooby Doo.

It’s at this point where the plot begins to diverge. The Unity Squad gets separated and the story becomes less concise. They do make it to Counter-Earth, but they end up getting separated like a bunch of teenagers in a haunted house. Each member encounters their own complication. Some are very uncomfortable and involve creepy old men. Some are even tempting in that they involve an attractive robot female. Not all of them are compelling, but they do add some new ingredients to the mix.

That’s not to say the plot gets too chaotic. Despite all these diverting plots, the story remains fairly coherent. Issues like Vision’s unresolved anger towards the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man being stuck in Rogue’s mind are touched on. They’re just rushed. This is the greatest shortcoming of the story. It tries to squeeze too many elements into the plot while maintaining a solid pace. But like open heart surgery, some things can’t be rushed. This story never flat-lines. It just moves too quickly to leave a lasting impact.

In addition to the pace, the setup of the story makes it feel like a full-blown re-launch of the title was unnecessary. The events in this issue directly follow the events of the previous arc in Uncanny Avengers. Most successful re-launches are pitched as good starting on points. Anyone who tries to use this issue as a starting point is going to get more confused than someone trying to understand Lost after starting on the third season.

There are plenty of compelling elements in Uncanny Avengers #1, even for those not happy about the retcon of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s heritage. However, it does little to make it feel as though that retcon was worth doing. It’s still too early to say whether it’ll be a failure on the level of the Clone Saga. It’s got a long ways to go before it gets to that point. In the end, some will never be satisfied. But like internet trolls or boy bands, this is an audience that is best ignored for the sake of the story.

Final Score: 6 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #1

The word “rectcon” is to comics what the C-word is to women. Few things will offend, enrage, and annoy comic book fans than a bullshit retcon, especially if they perceive it as part of some petty agenda. That’s why there are still many fans still pissed off about “One More Day” and “The Clone Saga.” There’s just no better way to shit all over years and years worth of stories than just up and saying, “Fuck it, we’re magically changing this shit.” That’s not to say all retcons are bad. Madelyne Pryor is a retcon that needed to happen. But the latest relaunch of Uncanny Avengers, stemming directly from the events of Avengers and X-men: AXIS, involves dealing with a retcon that has pissed more fans off than the Sopranos finale.

There’s nothing anyone from Marvel can say at this point to change the perception. By making it so Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are no longer Magneto’s children, they’re playing right into all the crackpot conspiracy theories that some fans have about the way Marvel treats mutants. They know like everyone else with an internet connection that Marvel doesn’t have the movie rights to X-men. Hell, they can’t even say the word “mutant” in their movies because Fox’s lawyers will pounce on that shit like a pot head pouncing on an unopened bag of potato chips. And since Joss Whedon wanted to use Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch in Avengers 2, Marvel is all too willing to suck his dick. And since Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch have a long history with the Avengers, there’s some legal wiggle-room that I’m sure involved a lot of dick-sucking.

Now it’s bled into the comics. Marvel has changed the history of two iconic characters whose legacy has been closely tied to Magneto for decades. It’s because of that legacy that their stories carry emotional weight. Then in AXIS, that legacy was shot to shit by the revelation that Magneto wasn’t their father. Sure, that’s a good thing to hear on Maury. It’s not quite as good to hear in this instance. Now ignoring for a moment this bullshit attempt to cash in on Age of Ultron, I’m not saying this concept still can’t be awesome. Uncanny Avengers #1 is going to make the effort regardless of how pissed off some fans are about AXIS. I’m just saying that it’s going to take a lot of awesome to mask the stench of a retcon like this.

To do this, an exotic setting helps in the same way exotic dancers give something extra to a lap dance. Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are just as annoyed by this retcon as everyone and are trying to understand it. That takes them to an exceedingly exotic location called Counter-Earth. It’s basically another Earth crafted by the High Evolutionar. It orbits on the opposite side of the sun and it’s full of the kinds of creatures that would make cos-players feel right at home.

And while it is full of exotic creatures that look like Thundercats rejects, it still has the same problem with assholes who cheat at poker. I guess that’s one evolutionary achievement that must always be preserved. Quicksilver somehow believes playing a game of poker with a bunch of thugs will help him find out who his real father is. This pisses off his opponents, who see right through his bluff and know he’s after the High Evolutionary. What follows is a bar fight and a street chase that tries to be like a James Bond movie, but lacks the charm. Maybe Quicksilver should’ve had a martini and a cool car.

The Scarlet Witch eventually joins in the fight, going after the other thugs who don’t take a poker game quite as seriously. She can fuck with reality. She easily win a bar fight. But beyond the action and the chases, there is some nice inner monolog about the impact of this revelation. They don’t just brush it off. This shit really fucking bothers them and it should. They just found out Magneto isn’t their father. The only problem with this scene is that it feels like they skipped a couple of steps to reach it. That doesn’t make Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch getting shot in the end any less intriguing. It just feels a bit rushed.

The Maximoff twins have picked a shitty time to go on their little spirit quest. The rest of the Unity Squad is still in the process of unfucking themselves after the events of AXIS. Thor isn’t on the team anymore. Havok is still inverted. Wasp is probably going to sue the Avengers for inflicting too much emotional distress and will probably win. That leaves a team that’s supposed to bridge the gap between Avengers and X-men with only two fucking mutants on the team. And rather than deal with all the mind-fucks they endured with AXIS and the shit leading up to it, they have to deal with Maximoff family drama.

It’s not like this issue shouldn’t be addressed, but it still feels rushed since it jumped right into bar fights and street chases. The Unity Squad, despite having just been shaken up, decides to go after the twins because I guess the whole tension between Avengers and X-men will solve itself. As a concept, it’s as fucked as it sounds. But it still has merit. Rogue even sympathizes a little with the Maximoff twins in their effort to find their real father and she was among those who wanted to choke Wanda to death. It helps give the situation some depth as they follow their trail to Wundagore.

This is where Sabretooth makes his first contribution to the Unity Squad. No, that’s not a typo or a drunk text. Sabretooth is part of the Unity Squad now. He’s still inverted so it’s not quite as fucked up as it sounds. But for some reason, they think he’s fit to be part of this team. How anyone was convinced of that must’ve involved a heated debate and/or a really lucky hand at poker. Whatever went into this decision, we don’t get to see it. Again, it just rushes into the plot with the Maximoff twins. It’s not unexpected, but it still feels like it’s skipping way too many steps.

It does help that despite being inverted, they keep Sabretooth on a tight leash. They make it clear they don’t even trust an inverted version of him and he makes it clear it pisses him off. But he’s still able to track the Maximoff Twin’s scent into the High Evolutionary’s old hangout. This is where they find out that the twins took a trip to Counter-Earth. Now it’s just a matter of catching up with them and convincing them to settle for an appearance on Maury.

That’s not as hard as it seems, but not as easy as it should be. The portal is destroyed so Brother Voodoo has to teleport them to Counter Earth with help from Vision. It sounds like one of those feats that Reed Richards does in his sleep. It’s only fucked up when one of the High Evolutionary’s guards finally decides that trespassers are a bad thing and attack. He does this just in time to fuck up Brother Voodoo’s spells. And as anyone who has known the Scarlet Witch for more than a week knows, fucking up a spell can really ruin their day and even fuck up an entire species if they’re really unlucky.

This time, no genocides or inversions occur. The only real consequence seems to be that they arrived on Counter Earth at different locations. That’s not terribly fucked up. Hell, that’s basically like the mid-season finale of the Amazing Race. The problem is that it segments the story somewhat and there are only so many different directions I can follow while drunk.

Brother Voodoo apparently pissed off some of his ancestors by fucking up the spell. That means the Unity Squad’s return ticket is now MIA because their day just hasn’t been fucked up enough. Vision also arrives in the middle of a metropolis on Counter-Earth. He even takes the time to admire it as being much more high-tech and clean than anything he’s seen. I guess this is a subtle way of him saying he’s found one too many condom wrappers in a park. But then he’s drawn by another AI that looks just like him, but has boobs. I don’t know the complexity of Visions machinery. I don’t even claim to understand those who are sexually attracted to robots. I’ll just say that, as contrived as this is, I think Vision should go for it. Machine or not, good pussy is good pussy.

It’s not nearly as comfortable for Rogue, who winds up in the lab of some creepy old guy who looks like he should be hiding in a dumpster outside a Victoria’s Secret. He’s found a way to paralyze Rogue so he can do some experiments. He claims that mutation has the power to build new worlds for new creations. I think that might just be code for saying he wants her to try on the custom thong underwear he’s designed for her. He also throws in that he managed to erase Wonder Man from her mind. He says it in the same casual manner that I throw out empty beer bottles. Given how this plot was never resolved and completely lost during AXIS, it feels forced in addition to being creepy as hell.

Even so, Rogue still didn’t get the worst of it. Winding up in the lab of some creepy old guy is bad, but Captain America wound up in some fucked up garden that’s more giant spider web than garden. Fortunately for all those with arachnophobia, it isn’t full of giant spiders. It’s just full of tree creatures that drain the life from its victims. I still think it’s less horrifying than spiders. Captain America sees how these creatures feed on their prey and he’s not eager to be digested like a hot dog at the Superbowl. He doesn’t end up escaping, but he’s still Captain freakin’ America. He just wouldn’t be very American if he was defeated by a fucking tree.

I guess the only one who could say they were lucky with where they ended up was Sabretooth. He appeared in the middle of what looks like a nice park with a pristine fountain. He even describes how there are no foul scents anywhere. There’s not even a moldy ham sandwich rotting in a dumpster. The creatures don’t try to kill him, but they welcome him with the same way animal rights activists are welcomed at barbecue.

Since he’s inverted, his first instinct isn’t to kill every one of them and roast their bodies over an open flame. He just tries to get the fuck out of there and find someone who’s breath stinks of burnt steak. But before he can get too far, he runs into the High Evolutionary. So he ends up finding exactly who the Maximoff Twins were looking for and he wasn’t even looking. I guess this is how he learns to empathize with what Wolverine had to go through. This is the kind of randomly contrived shit that ruined so many weekends and drinking binges.

I admit it’s hard to make an objective judgment on this issue when the shit stains of the big retcon are present in every moment. That said, I can’t say that this book didn’t just gloss over it. Magneto not being Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s father is a big fucking deal and this issue treated it as such. The whole conflict emerges directly from Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch reacting to it. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that. Hell, it would’ve made the retcon even more egregious if they just shrugged it off like Peter Parker lost another job or pissed off another girlfriend. But in pursuing this story, it leaves a few shortcomings.

This issue really didn’t feel like it deserved to have a shiney new #1 on the cover. It felt like it could’ve easily been the next arc in the previous volume of Uncanny Avengers. The lineup changed, but it’s still following the same story. In addition, there’s a bit too much showing and not enough telling, even by kindergarten standards. There is some action, but there’s not a lot of explanation of depth to that action. There’s some “Oh fuck!” moments as well, but none that will cause anyone to spit out their coffee. In the end, this issue was solid yet unspectacular. It has promise, but nobody who was disappointed in the retcon is going to change their mind after reading this. Uncanny Avengers #1 gets a 6 out of 10. Maybe this is an issue that would’ve best been resolved by a stint on Maury Povich. Not saying that a trip to Counter Earth to fuck up the High Evolutionary isn’t a close second, but I just think that Eminem and Jerry Springer desensitized us to baby mama dramas at this point. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #1 - Partial Brain Damaging Awesome

I try not to hold grudges. I find it difficult at times. Not because I'm really forgiving, but with all the brain cells I've killed over the years I just have a hard time remembering why I'm pissed. And if I can't figure it out, I use that as an excuse to get myself another beer to make myself less pissed. It doesn't always work, but it's an excuse to get drunk so I'll take it. I needed more than booze after reading Avengers vs. X-men and not just because the story went down faster than Paris Hilton after a line of coke and six shots of tequila. The story ended with both the Avengers and the X-men looking like assholes, but the Avengers looked like stupid assholes. I'm willing to forgive a lot of assholery, but when the shit that comes out of it is just too much I can't bring myself to forgive that easily.

By now, everyone with an internet connection and enough will-power to stop looking at porn for more than ten minutes knows how Avengers vs. X-men ended. The Avengers came out on top, as one would expect a franchise whose movie grossed a billion dollars and allowed the Marvel execs to bathe in high priced champagne, hookers, and cocaine. But how they came out on top was what made them assholes. They didn't really defeat the X-men. They just made it so the X-men had to suck their dicks to get back into their good graces when they felt that the Phoenix couldn't be controlled. Never mind that nobody seemed to notice that the Phoenix only lost control when the Avengers started fucking with it. They didn't think twice in the same way an intoxicated Paris Hilton doesn't think twice when they're inclined to suck a dick.

But worst of all, the Avengers turned out to be dead fucking wrong. They thought the Phoenix Force was going to destroy the world and Cyclops thought it was key to kickstarting the mutant race. Guess who was right? And guess who ended up in jail? I've met some asshole cops in my life who would throw a 15-year-old girl in jail for having a single joint, but the Avengers throwing Cyclops under the buss and pissing on his corpse was just a dick move of cosmic proportions. So he killed a guy who hadn't done shit since he was shot in the head and kept trying to mind rape him. Fuck, that's not murder. That's self defense. Also, they didn't throw Wanda Maximoff in jail, who also happened to go fucking crazy and kill some very beloved friends (remember Hawkeye and Vision from Decimation?) not to mention decimating the entire mutant race. And yet she's not just free. She's prominent in Uncanny Avengers, which promises to be the biggest book to spin out of Avengers vs. X-men.

Now granted all these reasons to be pissed, I'm still willing to give Uncanny Avengers a shot. It doesn't just promise to wade through the shit left behind by Avengers vs. X-men. It's billed as a new era in Marvel. It's supposed to be the flagship book of Marvel NOW! where both the Avengers and the X-men join forces in a single team. While their reasons for doing so may be fucked, both Rick Remender and John Cassaday are crafting this book. That's like Da Vinci teaming up with Michelangelo (the artist and not the turtle) in comics. So I would be stupid in addition to being a drunk of I didn't give this book a chance.

Uncanny Avengers #1 begins with a rather grotesque scene that would probably give Dr. House a boner and a craving for more Vicodin. A rather unfortunate yet familiar figure is receiving a rather extensive lobotomy from an unknown figure. That figure is about as unlucky as the coach of the Cleveland Browns in that while he's getting his brain removed, the surgeon (who I'm assuming is on the AMA's shit list) is talking about how humans are more pissed off on mutants than ever before and the only way for mutants to respond is to give the finger to Charles Xavier's memory and start killing people. Guess that's an easy lesson to teach when you're literally picking at someone's brain.

From a very disturbing scene, it transitions into something a little less nauseating depending on how much you cried at the end of Old Yeller. Wolverine gives a eulogy at Professor Xavier's funeral. Because for some reason, they didn't think it was necessary to have something like this when he was FUCKING SHOT IN THE HEAD AT THE END OF MESSIAH COMPLEX! Yes, I yelled that as I typed it because it's worth yelling. It's also worth pointing out because it serves as a reminder that the death of Charles Xavier was ridiculously cheapened because of his history of getting his ass killed. In addition, he had done absolutely jack shit in the X-books as the mutant race he dedicated his life to teaching was on the brink of extinction. Yet for some reason they forget all that shit at the funeral? It must have had an awesome open bar.

As for Wolverine's eulogy, it's surprisingly bland for something that was written by Rick Remender. He essentially reminded everyone what Charles Xavier fought for while completely omitting the fact that he was fucking MIA when the entire mutant species was dying. Hell, Wolverine was flat out wrong when he said the X-men pushed Xavier aside. Does he even know his own continuity? Xavier stepped down from the X-men and never stepped up! If you don't know the man's history, the speech will only make you wonder why Remender cut and pasted shit from John Lennon's funeral when he's shown he's clearly a better writer than this.

As the speech is unfolding, Havok takes a break from doing jack shit and visits his brother in his ruby quartz prison. He basically tells him what an ass he is for killing Xavier and letting the Phoenix Force corrupt him. But anyone who read Avengers vs. X-men even partially sober know Cyclops didn't ask for the Phoenix Force. It was thrust on him courtesy of Tony fucking Stark. Hell, Cyclops could probably sue Stark for sexual harassment if he wanted. But does he take that into account? Fuck no! He's Cyclops's brother and at no time in the history of the human race has a man let little things like the truth prevent him from rubbing salt in an open wound for their brother. In that sense Havok's attitude is understandable, but grossly oversimplifying what actually happened and ignoring the logical inconsistencies with his words just makes him too big a douche. Cyclops, to his credit, doesn't reinforce his brother's attitude. He just reminded him that nobody (including Xavier) did shit to save the mutant race. He did. So he can suck his balls.

He leaves the prison, most likely in a very bad mood, and is greeted by Captain America and Thor. They invite him for a little chat over some overpriced coffee about the future of the Avengers. Captain America, having at least acknowledged that the Avengers have a history of turning a blind eye to mutant affairs, wants Havok to join them. He the Avengers need a mutant presence and the world needs a mutant face they can trust. And who better than the brother of Cyclops and son of Corsair? Because it turned out so fucking well for them. Havok even points this out, but he's still a douche-bag. Claiming his brother is an egotist? Fuck, if trying to create a worldwide utopia and saving your species from extinction is egotistical, then by comparison Mother Theresa was a cunt.

But while Havok was chatting with Captain America and Thor, we find out who that unfortunate lobotomy patient was. It was Avalanche, another mutant who has been more MIA than Terrel Owens's child support payments. For reasons that can only be attributed to brain damage, he unleashes a random rampage in the middle of New York City. Havok assists Captain America and Thor, but the damage is done. In this scene John Cassaday's artwork really shines as does the focus on the civilian victims of the attack. That shit often gets overlooked whenever shit starts blowing up in comics. In real life, when something blows up in a crowded city people get hurt. It's one of those little things that has been missing from the comics and it definitely helps set a different tone for Uncanny Avengers.

That tone gets all the louder when Rogue confronts the Scarlet Witch while she's paying her respects to Professor Xavier's grave. Now no longer languishing with Magneto and cat people dongs in X-men Legacy, she shows up to call the Scarlet Witch a total bitch for basically being the cause of all this shit. And unlike Havok's bullshit attitude against his brother, Rogue is right. None of this shit would have happened if the Scarlet Witch hadn't lost her fucking mind and tried to wipe out an entire species. But again, she (and Remender by default) ignore her own fucking continuity when she claims she accepts responsibility. Really? How the fuck does she do that? She's welcomed back into the Avengers with open arms and she isn't in fucking jail like Cyclops. There's double standards and then there's just plain willful ignorance.

That kind of ignorance really does hurt the story and the dialog. You get the sense that Remender is ignoring the facts even though the circumstances are still fresh. The Scarlet Witch killed a lot of fucking people with her bullshit. Cyclops killed one guy while he was Dark Phoenix. Rogue is right to call her out on her shit and Wanda is total bitch for just calling X-men soldiers who were trying to save their race. This is an instance where Remender's talent fails to create a balanced moment here. Wanda is simply wrong and Rogue is right. But nothing comes of it.

And it's not just because of the circumstances. Rogue never gets a chance to calmly explain why Cyclops killing a man while Dark Phoenix is no different than committing mass genocide while under the influence of Dr. Doom. They never even get a chance to have a little hot girl-on-girl action that Marvel should know by now is something a vast majority of their male readers appreciate. That's because they get attacked by a new team of villains that have only slightly better fashion sense than the last One Direction music video. They have horribly unoriginal names like Goat Faced Girl and Living Wind. Hell, if that's how they're going to identify themselves I should just call myself Iron Liver. But however lame their names may be, they successfully beat back Rogue and the Scarlet Witch to obtain what they came for.

What exactly did they want and who exactly are they working for? How about the dead body and brain of Charles Xavier and the motherfucking Red Skull? That's who has decided to come in and exploit the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-men the same way republicans exploit dipshit religious nuts. While it was already revealed in the teasers for Uncanny Avengers that the Red Skull was going to be the main villain, ending the issue with him holding up the brain of Charles Xavier after having given a lobotomy to Avalanche early on definitely leaves an impression. That impression will either put a smile on your face or make you want to throw up. Since I've seen far more disgusting shit hunched over a toilet in a gas station bathroom at three in the morning, I smile because it helps make up for some of the bullshit circumstances of this comic.

I'll give everyone who happens to be a pussy with a weak stomach a moment to come back from praying to the porcelain god like I've done with many a hangover. Now after reading this comic, I'm inclined to disclose that some comics are worth upchucking your meal from the last three days. However, I don't think this is one of them. Comics that are worth it are usually as awesome as a pair of tits and a line of blow. This comic wasn't awesome. It wasn't bad either. It was just okay. A big, fat okay for a book with Rick Remender and John Cassaday. That's like going to a Shakespeare play and getting a Rebecca Black concert instead. Given the massive fuckton of variant covers Marvel has thrown behind this book and the top tier talent they put behind it, for this to be anything but awesome is like taking a shit on the grave of Aristotle.

This comic had some nice moments. Rick Remender's dialog was strong in some areas, but weak and others. Cassaday's artwork was consistently awesome the whole time, especially in the gruesome moments that involved unnecessary brain surgery that would earn any doctor a lawsuit and a jail cell next to Jerry Sandusky. However, what really dragged this issue down was the poor characterization. That's supposed to be one of Remender's greatest strengths, as I've articulated with many drunken reviews of Uncanny X-Force. Here, it's like he thought he was so good at it that he tried to do it blindfolded. It led Havok to coming off as a complete douche, it made Wolverine's eulogy about as emotional and heart-felt as an apology from Mel Gibson, and it did nothing to make Captain America come off as less an asshole. This in addition to the bullshit circumstances left over by Avengers vs. X-men makes this comic a hard book to digest if you've got a weak stomach, but it's good enough in other areas to get you through without chugging a gallon of Pepto Bismol.

Uncanny Avengers #1 was billed as the beginning of a new flagship title for Marvel NOW! But if this is the best Marvel can do, then check that ship for leaks and look for Leonardo DiCapprio drawing Kate Winslett naked because that motherfucker isn't seaworthy. However, it does establish a new mission and a new team against a very devious threat that isn't afraid to desecrate graves and give random characters full lobotomies. In that sense, it's a decent issue. But again, the panties of the comic loving world will remain as dry as the Sahara and the wounds from Avengers vs. X-men will still fester. Because of that, I give Uncanny Avengers #1 a 3 out of 5. It's got pretty pictures and some nice moments. That sort of shit won't get you full service at a Bankok massage parlor, but it will get you a half-hearted happy ending. Nuff said!