Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny Avengers #2

Deadbeat parents are the source of many Disney movies and rap albums. It’s like the fart joke of stories. It’s classic and overdone, but it can still be entertaining if done right. A fart joke in an episode of the West Wing is not going to work as well as a fart joke in Family Guy. The Seth MacFarlanes of the world have a special talent for fleshing out certain elements, be they fart jokes or talking babies. Those elements don’t always work well in certain circumstances. And deadbeat parents is one of those issues that’s struggling to work in Uncanny Avengers.

Aside from Tony Stark being a drunk again, the big fallout from Avengers and X-men: AXIS was the revelation/bullshit retcon that Magneto wasn’t the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Naturally, this left them pretty curious so the first arc of the newly relaunched Uncanny Avengers series is built around this mystery. It brought Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch to Counter-Earth so they could search for the High Evolutionary. The Uncanny Avengers got dragged into it too because why the fuck not? It’s been an uneven narrative, but it hasn’t completely fucked itself to the point of absurdity. Uncanny Avengers #2 gives it another chance and it’s already dangerously close to not needing too many others.

It certainly helps when a battle between Sabretooth and the High Evolutionary ends with Sabretooth getting a hole blown in his torso. And no, that’s not quite as gay as it sounds. Sabretooth was the lucky/unlucky asshole who managed to show up on Counter-Earth in a perfect position to get his ass kicked by the High Evolutionary’s creations. The High Evolutionary just happens to be there to finish the job. It’s an inglorious end, but one that’s somewhat fitting because it forces Sabretooth to fight in a way that’s as inverted as he is. He doesn’t just go for his typical Plan A of slaughtering anything that moves and fucking anything that’s still warm. Sure, this ends with him getting a hole in the torso, but it clearly establishes the High Evolutionary as the asshole here.

And the High Evolutionary really runs with his assholery in a major way, so much so that he kind of steals the show a bit. Once Sabretooth is down for the count, he reveals that he didn’t just drop by to horribly wound someone. He’s probably as bored of that as Wolverine was before he died. He’s actually there to tell his citizens that they are basically failed lab experiments, just like Sabretooth. He goes on this long, but not-so-meaningless rant about how his brand of evolution goes beyond just surviving and fucking. By that process, there’s not much difference between man and pond scum. And on some levels, he’s not wrong. But this guy strives for perfection and as it stands, these anthropomorphic creations aren’t making the cut.

For anyone who doesn’t know shit about the High Evolutionary and is too lazy to use Wikipedia, this moment perfectly conveyed the personality and motivations of this character. He’s not Magneto, Sinister, or Apocalypse. He’s something else. Sure, he’s still an asshole. But he’s an evolved asshole seeking to achieve the perfect life and he’s not using shitty self-help books to do it. He’s actually trying to create it from scratch. In that sense he’s not inherently an asshole. He’s just ambitious and has some fucked up ways of going about it.

This speech has nothing to do with the parentage of the Maximoff Twins or the Uncanny Avengers. But I’ll come out and say it anyways. The High Evolutionary is now the most interesting part of this story. His pursuit and his fucked up ways of going about it are way more interesting than who knocked up Pietro and Wanda’s mother. He’s no Dr. Doom, but he’s no Walter White either.

The asshole part of his pursuit is that he’s willing to exterminate huge populations of his creation with the same callousness as most people have when they click the undo button in an essay. While Sabretooth makes an attempt to stop him, he fails miserably in a way that probably has Wolverine laughing his ass off from beyond the grave. Then with a shrug and a smile, the Hugh Evolutionary proceeds to wipe out every living creature around him with a burst of power that might as well have been ripped from a rerun of Dragonball Z. It looks every bit as awesome as it sounds. And all this is done in the name of pursuing perfection. It makes me shudder to think how this guy would deal with typos.

After a display like that, catching up with the Maximoff twins feels like a downgrade. Sure, this whole story began with them traveling to Counter-Earth to find the High Evolutionary. That doesn’t mean it’s the most engaging part of this story. Their only accomplishment since showing up in this world is losing a bar fight and getting themselves captured. That’s like getting thrown out of a bar in New Orleans and still ending up in jail because the police had to fill a public drunkenness quota. And they don’t do much more than I did on my last trip to New Orleans.

Once they wake up, there is some nice inner musings from the Scarlet Witch. She talks about how she and Quicksilver have been dealing with the revelation about Magneto not being their father. In a nutshell, they’re still fucked up about it. But they still aren’t doing anything other than getting their asses kicked to deal with it. That doesn’t mean that this ends up being less productive than my last trip to jail.

When the Maximoff twins wake up, they find themselves in a bunker where three Rambo knock-offs are arguing about what the High Evolutionary just did. They seem to have a problem with the High Evolutionary just exterminating millions of lives on a whim. I guess they’re weird like that. It reveals that the High Evolutionary has enemies aside from the Maximoff twins and the Uncanny Avengers. It also reveals that these guys went out of their way to save the Maximoff twins rather than help the lives the High Evolutionary snuffed out. Given how easily he fucked up Sabretooth, they might have done the smart thing. They can’t help anyone if they’re dead or horribly maimed.

These people definitely need help if they’re going to fight the High Evolutionary. The Maximoff twins offer something. But given their issues with family and retcons, they can only offer so much. It’s easy to forget that the rest of the Uncanny Avengers were supposed to get involved with this. But there still isn’t much progress on that front. Only Dr. Voodoo gets to do anything of real merit here and even he’s behind the curve.

In a fucked up realm of the dead, he encounters the souls of all the lives the High Evolutionary just exterminated. They’re not exactly happy about it to say the least. Souls tend to get restless when some douche-bag in purple armor commits genocide on them. But Dr. Voodoo is in a position to do something about it and it has nothing to do with haunting the High Evolutionary in a blatant Paranormal Activity rip-off.

He gets in touch with Doniva, the first daughter of the High Evolutionary. She’s not exactly fond of her father. He treated her the same way most people treat a defective iPhone, casting her aside like a teenage boy casts aside dirty tissues during a porn marathon. She warns that like a teenage boy with an unfiltered internet connection, the High Evolutionary will keep doing this. And she wants to help stop him. There are no specifics, but it continues the trend of making the High Evolutionary the most interesting character in this story. The Uncanny Avengers might as well be guest stars at this point.

The High Evolutionary remains front and center, showing off just how much he’s in charge of this world. He’s still not satisfied after slaughtering millions of lives for the imperfections they’re not even responsible for. So he takes Sabretooth back to his lab and decides to dissect him as only he can. It’s not quite as gruesome as the last three Saw movies, but it is pretty fucking brutal. I wouldn’t be surprised if this shit gave the High Evolutionary a boner because he’s intrigued by Sabretooth’s healing factor. That just gives him another means of pursing his quest for perfection and fucking with those who don’t meet his standards. Now this isn’t a new tactic. Plenty of other assholes have tried to exploit healing factors. The High Evolutionary isn’t even the top 10, but his ability to torment Sabretooth still earns him some points.

As he’s torturing Sabretooth, he ends up getting a call from one of the guys dumb enough to help him in this endless pursuit of perfection. He’s the same asshole who was dumb enough to capture Rogue. While Rogue still isn’t doing jack shit along with the rest of the Uncanny Avengers, she’s still alive and still in a position to fuck things up when she gets a chance. Right now, her creepy old captor is just letting the High Evolutionary know that there are mutants stirring shit up on Counter-Earth. And Sabretooth has already proved that they can be quite a hassle.

The High Evolutionary doesn’t get too upset about this. He doesn’t even look annoyed. He has a, “Oh, that’s happening? How cute,” type reaction. But that doesn’t mean that he’s okay with anyone coming along and fucking up his perfect little world. So he calls in some help to deal with it in the form of Luminous. But who the fuck is Luminous? Well that’s not entirely clear, but the High Evolutionary does reveal that she’s related to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. It’s set up as one of those “Oh fuck!” moments. But at this point, the impact is lacking. So the Maximoff Twins have some siblings that want to kill them. That’s not too shocking. That’s the next three sitcoms on CBS.

There was a lot going on in this issue. But like watching an episode of Lost without the aid of weed, it didn’t make for a lot of progress. That’s not to say it did nothing of merit. More than anything else, it revealed special breed of asshole that the High Evolutionary has become. He’s the opposite of Spider-Man, so much power and no responsibility. He’ll create and slaughter as many living beings he has to in order to achieve his goal. He comes off as someone who took his OCD way too fucking far, but at least there’s a sense of perspective in terms of what the Uncanny Avengers are up against.

Beyond that, not a whole lot happened. Sabretooth gave everyone attitude in a way that was indistinguishable from Wolverine. The Maximoff twins slept through most of the story, not getting much closer to finding out who their real father is. And aside from Dr. Voodoo, none of the other Uncanny Avengers did or discovered anything of merit. I can’t say the story didn’t move forward because it did. I can’t even say it lacked depth and appeal. There is a story worth telling here, but it’s the kind of story that makes me less and less likely to give a fuck about who Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch’s parents are. If nothing else, this issue still retained just enough fucks to be interesting. It’s just getting way too side-tracked. I give Uncanny Avengers #2 a 6 out of 10. It’s not easy to get over bullshit retcons. Just re-read the Clone Saga and try to let it go. But it is possible to stop being pissed off enough to enjoy the stories that follow. So unless someone is in need of anger management or is Charlie Sheen, they shouldn’t be bothered by it at this point. Nuff said!

Uncanny Avengers #2 - Not-So-Overhyped Awesome

I get that big businesses like Marvel and their Disney overlords could give three tenths of a shit about how much a comic or movie is hated by fans and critics, so long as it makes a fuckton of money. Every fan and every critic in the world could whine at the top of their lungs about how much they utterly despised something and threaten to go on a hunger strike while shitting on every affiliated product associated with the company. Marvel and their Disney overlords will still just casually shrug it off and go back to counting their money while doing blow off the tits of Russian hookers.

I bring this up because Uncanny Avengers #1 was billed as the biggest event to come out of Avengers vs. X-men. It was automatically deemed as the third most awesome thing Marvel has ever done after Mary Jane Watson's ass and Emma Frost's tits. It certainly had all the necessary elements to be awesome. It directly followed up the big (yet utterly illogical) events of Avengers vs. X-men by establishing a new team. This team would have heavy hitters from both the Avengers and the X-men while bringing back equally heavy threats like the Red Skull. It also promised to utilize the talents of Rick Remender, who has made Uncanny X-Force worth it's weight in Colombian imported blow, and John Cassaday, who made Astonishing X-men worth it's weight in purified whiskey. However, despite all these amazing elements, the shit was underwhelming. So they buried Charles Xavier, Havok was a douche-bag, Wanda and Rogue got into a fight with their clothes on, and the Red Skull took Charles Xavier's brain. You expect a book by Rick Remender to be that fucked up, but you don't expect it to be that underwhelming. However, it's a given that Marvel gives microscopic levels of shit. The issue still sold over 300,000 copies thanks to an onslaught of overpriced marketing gimmicks that nobody wants to admit still work.

Now I still maintain that Uncanny Avengers #1 was not even within the same time zone as a typical issue of Uncanny X-Force in terms of sheer awesome, but that's only from my drunken perspective. Hell, from my perspective, old Simpsons reruns are still funny after a few bong hits. But based on the numerous reviews and assorted bitching on message boards, I think it's reasonable to conclude that Uncanny Avengers #1 left plenty to be desired. For some, just seeing Charles Xavier get his brain ripped out after being such a douche for so many years and seeing Rogue and Wanda go at it in a way you can still jerk off to was enough. But the issue left me wanting more. Thankfully, the issue ended on a pretty awesome and pretty fucked up note with the Red Skull holding up Charles Xavier's brain as if it were a cup of Hitler's semen. There are so many ways that can become awesome that even an annoying delay isn't enough to make me want to skip the next issue.

Uncanny Avengers #2 doesn’t try to be quite as grotesque in the beginning. It merely deals with the immediate aftermath of Avalanche’s rampage in New York City, who had part of his brain cut out in an exceedingly grotesque way in the previous issue. Now I’m not saying there’s ever a valid reason to go on a rampage, but having your brain cut out by a Nazi should certainly earn a guy some sympathy. Wolverine isn’t in a very sympathetic mood though. He muses at how between Cyclops’s recent power trip with the Phoenix and Avalanche’s latest brain fuck powered rampage, it’s a pretty lousy time to be a mutant. Hell, I almost feel like buying the guy an Evanescence album if he wasn’t such a douche. But Captain America and Thor are taking a more pragmatic approach. They see this as more than just a guy who had a lousy day and ended up losing have his brain. They know someone has too much free time on their hands and since internet porn is no longer enough, they need to start a mutant war. So with Havok now as a figurehead, they're prepared to fight back. We're basically all fucked is what they're saying.

We only get a brief understanding of how fucked we are when the fine, dishonest folks in the media (or whatever qualifies as Fox News in the Marvel Universe) report the inevitable irrational response to the New York attack. The message is pretty basic, but Remender actually adds an element of connection and coherence that was lacking from the previous issue. He mentions the slaughter on Genosha, which left an indelible mark on the public about what happens when the mutant population surges. It's basically, "Do you really think they'll want to hug and smoke a joint after all those millions of mutants we killed?" It would be like the Ayatollah's in Iran inviting the entire population of Israel to a holocaust parade. That just just doesn't sit well for some.

But the broadcast isn't just the typical talking heads that Rupert Murdock pays millions to undermine truth in politics. Behind this veneer of typical talk show trash, the Red Skull is wielding his influence. So I guess TV in the Marvel universe is only slightly less evil. He still manages to get a few random citizens to murder a few mutants in cold blood. It's a rather disheveled scene, but it gets the point across. Normal humans that know how evolution works (or weren't homeschooled in Texas) know what happens when a stronger species emerges. Survival is the only universe instinct in addition to the instinct to fuck indiscriminately while intoxicated.

In addition to fucking with the general public, the Red Skull also has Rogue tied up in an S&M style dungeon. Again, he's still not as evil as the heads at Fox News, but he's getting pretty close! Both Rogue and Wanda were attacked by the Red Skull's latest brand of superpowered Hitler lovers and rather than leave them to whine to the Avengers about how he dug up Xavier's body, he abducted them. Again, still not as evil as Fox News. But Rogue, referencing some very kinky sexual proclivities that fanfiction writers live for, is able to trick this sexy looking woman made of water and steal her powers. From there, she breaks out and is intent on getting to Wanda so they can finish their cat-fight from the previous issues, hopefully with their clothes off this time.

But Wanda wakes up in much more comfortable settings. The Red Skull awakens her without being too disgusted by her being both Jewish and a gypsy. But he's willing to overlook that since she's shown a willingness to dab in a little genocide. He talks a bit about how he once had the chance to kill her father, but didn't. Then he fathered a woman who has the power to conduct mass genocide with a fucking sentence fragment. That's fate making lemonade out of lemons, spiked with a little PCP right there. It's a prime example of Rick Remender making connections in a story that give it a level of coherence that any self-respecting drunk can only admire. It works great on a sobriety test and even better in an awesome comic.

Despite the obvious revulsion Wanda should have to an unapologetic Nazi, she hears the Red Skull out. He shows her his fancy new training facility that he hopes to use to wage war against mutants. He also reveals that he's basically a backup Red Skull, his consciousness transferred to a spare body that was created back in 1942. To him, just a few months ago the most advanced phone still had a crank shaft. Now he's in a modern world where phones actually talk back and mutants are on the rise. And he wants Wanda to wipe them out again with another M-Day.

Now seeing as how the last time she pulled this stunt it caused mass genocide and incurred the wrath of the Phoenix Force, she would be completely against the idea. And by all accounts she is at first, but then the Red Skull gives her just the right nudge in the form of some telepathic mind raping. Where did he pick up that trick? Well that brain he was holding at the end of the previous issue should be a blatantly obvious clue. Marvel is assuming their readers have enough imagination to figure out how the Red Skull took on Xavier's telepathy. I question that assumption as some of our imaginations only exist to put tits on everything we see.

Imagination aside, Wanda is clearly influenced by the Red Skull. She's actually prepared to do another M-Day. However, Rogue is equally prepared to kick her ass in ways that will make her say, "No more broken bones!" After the Red Skull steps out, Rogue finds her and they resume their brawl from earlier. Sadly, they keep their clothes on. But Remender maintains some heavy dialog in between. This is one aspect of the book that is somewhat annoying. There's a lot of talk and it doesn't really improve the action. It just makes you think, "Why the fuck are they wasting their breath when they should be down to their bra and panties by now!" Wanda tries to say in way too many words that Rogue is just a thug who used to bone her father. It becomes a bit cliched, much like the dialog from Thor earlier. But even if the dialog is weak, it doesn't prevent the story from flowing in a very awesome manner.

That flow eventually leads Wanda and Rogue to a very gruesome discovery. They find Charles Xavier's body, which the Red Skull so sickeningly desecrated in the previous issue (in a non-necrophiliac way hopefully). This finally gets the two women to table their cat fight. Even though they have many reasons to hate each other, they're smart enough to understand that when the body of Charles Xavier is lying before them without a brain something is horribly fucked up. But they don't get a chance to be too disgusted. The Red Skull catches up to them, revealing that he's fused Xavier's brain with his somehow and now can use his telepathic talents to make them do whatever they want. I'm guessing these girls are in for the sickest fetish porn in the history of reality. And why not? The Red Skull is a German sadist last I checked. Who knows what kind of shit gets him hard?

Whereas the first issue tried to overcompensate for earlier shortcomings by shocking the hell out of readers (and making those with weak stomachs re-taste their meals for the past three days), this issue didn’t need to compensate for jack shit. This issue actually felt like an issue that Rick Remender would write in his most sober moments. It had solid, cohesive dialog. It had disturbingly grotesque moments that somehow came off as more than torture porn. It was nowhere near as disturbing as Deadpool feeding pieces of himself to Arcangel in the first arc of Uncanny X-Force, but it was right up there! Moreover, it actually came together in a way that felt as satisfying as a book that sold over 300,000 copies ought to be.

What made this issue work was the Red Skull. I know it’s taboo to praise an evil, Hitler-loving Nazi, but he really stole the show here and not just because he also stole Charles Xavier’s brain. He’s still a Nazi at heart, only able to get erections when a minority is being brutally oppressed. But he goes about it in a way that would make Hitler himself cry with joy. Using both Xavier’s brain and the Scarlet Witch, he demonstrates he’s out to do more than just throw giant robots at this new mutant-filled world. He’s willing to fuck reality again with M-Day 2.0. Rogue getting caught in the crossfire helps keep this issue from making a Nazi too awesome. And the disturbing (yet not grotesque) end offers a world of potential that I’m sure Rick Remender will turn into many more grotesque moments.

Now it may still be fair to call Uncanny Avengers ridiculously overhyped. While this issue may be awesome, it has yet to make a mark on the greater Marvel universe. That may just be a result of it being the first book in the relaunch whereas most other Marvel books are still in aftermath mode from Avengers vs. X-men. This book has plenty of potential to really spread the awesome over numerous Marvel titles, but at the moment it seems a bit narrow in scope and disorganized in terms of flow.

Never-the-less, Uncanny Avengers #2 is still a clear and welcome upgrade from the first issue. It still has a ways to go before it can be worthy of the hype that should come with having names like Remender, Cassaday, and 18 different variant covers attached to it. There are still a number of elements that need to come together, but my faith in this series has been officially renewed. As such, I give Uncanny Avengers #2 a 4 out of 5. First you had the Red Skull holding Xavier’s brain in his hand. Then you had him mind-fucking two beautiful women. Who knows what he could do in the issues to come? With a brain in one hand and two beautiful women under his control, he could either do something extremely evil or extremely pornographic. Nuff said!