Uncanny X-Force #3 - Overdue Awesome

In my experience, when you get good and drunk at some point you forget which direction is up and which person and/or statue called your mother a bitch. That kind of disorientation only has so many outcomes. You could wake up naked in a fountain with the word “asshole” written on your back in lipstick. You could wake up in a hotel room with a girl, a transvestite, and a goat, each of which claim you promised to marry them. Or you could wake up in your bed hung over with the sudden need to make the toilet your best friend. My point is very little good ever comes of being disoriented. You don’t usually black out and wake up in the Playboy Mansion in a bed with three naked playmates. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m just saying the odds are stacked against you.

With this in mind, I remain both skeptical and confused by what Stan Humphries is doing in Uncanny X-Force. Whereas Rick Remender kept everything tighter than Rick Santorum’s asshole during his run, Humphries has been all over the place. He’s been throwing around side-plots with Fantomex who may or may not be engaging in the most elaborate form of masturbation ever and a side-plot surrounding Bishop, who to this point has been MIA and presumably stuck in the future.

The initial plot, I think, was to start a new X-Force team with Psylocke and Storm because feminists apparently infiltrated Marvel and want to prove that women can also make a kick-ass kill squad. But even this plot was fucked up because it led to them meeting up with Puck and hunting down Spiral, who is guarding some new mutant that was getting ravers high. If it sounds confusing and/or something that might happen in a bad movie on the Lifetime channel, then congratulations because you’ve just identified the biggest problem with this book.

Uncanny X-Force #2 at least attempted to bring some of the side-plots together by having Storm and Psylocke cross paths with Bishop while they were hunting down Spiral. It was messy, random, and more confusing than the last half-hour of Inception. But at least Humphries is making an effort to bring these plots together. It’s not clear if the final product will be in the same time zone as Remender’s first arc, but I have hopes that it is at least on the same planet.

In Uncanny X-Force #3, Humphries takes a desperately needed new approach to making this series seem less chaotic than an orgy at a Russian rock concert. He starts with a quick flashback of Psylocke’s life before she was fucked up by swapping bodies with a hot Asian ninja and had to kill her boyfriend. It doesn’t tell us anything we don’t already know about her or can’t find on Wikipedia, but it does add some added impact when she wakes up from Bishop’s attack at the end of the previous issue exceedingly pissed off. Now this flashback was not needed in the slightest, yet it did something that I think is important in the context of Uncanny X-Force. It reminded readers that Psylocke is very vulnerable in addition to being pissed off. Given how most readers are more focused on her ass and tits than her history, I think it’s a reminder worth including.

Another way that Stan Humphries brings a little order to chaos of Uncanny X-Force is finally explaining just why the hell Spiral was so protective over that young mutant girl in a way that would get some people listed as sex offenders. He uses another flashback, this time showing how Spiral was exiled from the Mojoverse and left with pretty much nothing. And since she wasn’t about to live the life of an undocumented immigrant or take shit from Lou Dobbs, she chose a life of crime. That’s what led her to Ginny, who could help her survive by getting people high and profiting from it. And since there aren’t any drug laws against using psychics to get high (although I’m sure the DEA is working on it), it made for a lucrative living. I’m sure if my pot dealer read this comic, he would be jealous as hell because it’s pretty brilliant. But more importantly, it helps make sense of Spiral’s actions, which to this point had been more creepy than Christopher Walken reading 50 Shades of Grey.

I’ll say it again because it’s an important point to make when reviewing comics, telling stories, or explaining why you were speeding to a traffic cop. Clarity matters. One of the biggest weaknesses of this series since it began has been the utter lack of coherence and clarity. It’s the complete antithesis of Rick Remender’s approach when he wrote Uncanny X-Force. I get that Humphries is taking a different approach, but it helps that it makes a lick of sense. If for no other reason, it makes this comic easier to read while stoned.

Once Spiral is finished explaining her connection to Ginny and why it’s not as creepy as it looks, Storm decides they’ll need her help finding her. Psylocke can track her. Spiral can teleport them. It makes perfect tactical sense, although it does mean trusting Spiral. That’s like trusting Lindsey Lohan to drive you to the hospital without getting pulled over. You know it’s not going to turn out well, but you also know it’ll be entertaining as hell.

While Spiral’s part in Uncanny X-Force is now much less creepy in light of a few flashbacks, Fantomex is still as disturbing as ever. We’ve had two issues that have taken the concept of “Go fuck yourself!” to a twisted extreme that it need not go. With Fantomex split into separate bodies and now able to literally fuck himself, they’ve decided for reasons that still don’t make a god damn bit of sense to track down Psylocke. They claim they’re just going to stop the more sinister half of Fantomex from hurting her, but I’m pretty sure they have a very disturbing kind of three-way in mind. And to get to her, that involves hijacking a plane and jumping out of it. Again, it makes no god damn sense. I’m as pissed off at the TSA as anyone else, but this is not a productive way to deal with it.

Maybe it’s because I still think Fantomex is a massive dick-cheese, but this plot with him has very little appeal. But at the very least Humphries is setting things up for a confrontation between Psylocke and the split personalities of Fantomex. That means at some point this crazy shit will come together and the promise of shit making sense is the next best thing I guess. But if Fantomex still tries to bone Psylocke, it’ll only make him/her/them a bigger douche.

Back with the part of the plot that actually makes sense, Storm and her team appear in the subway with Spiral where they confront Bishop and Ginny. What transpires next is the kind of dark, violent, dangerous battle that you would expect to see in an X-Force book. We still don’t have an explanation as to why Bishop is after this girl and not trying to maim Hope Summers, but then again he hasn’t exactly demonstrated that he’s in a clear state of mind either. He doesn’t respond to any of the pleas of his former allies. He just looks at them the same way a drunk looks a guy he caught dry-humping his girlfriend. So in that sense we don’t need a full explanation. Like a real drunk, the best thing you can do is grab a few beers yourself and watch the show before the cops show up.

The battle itself between Bishop and X-Force is very well-scripted. Humphries makes it clear that this shit is taking place in a subway tunnel and it must be at rush our too because they have to work around the oncoming trains. We even get a quick reminder in the form of another flashback that Storm is still claustrophobic. Again, this is shit we already know, but it’s shit that’s worth reminding about because I’m sure Marvel understands that not everyone who reads their books are sober. They need to cater to the drunks in the comic market and I think it’s a market that is continuously growing.

In the end, however, the battle comes down to Psylocke and Bishop. And that distracts everybody just long enough for Spiral to reclaim Ginny. Now that we know what she was using her for in the first place, it’s not quite as creepy. And since Spiral isn’t sentimental towards anyone that can’t make her money, she leaves X-Force to continue fighting Bishop. Is she a bitch for doing so? Yes, but she’s a bitch who cares for a little girl and all the money they can make together. It may be a dick move, but it’s a dick move that makes sense on an economical level and since I’m feeling generous and drunk I’ll take it.

And while Spiral makes off with the girl that can make her rich, X-Force is left to deal with Bishop. Given her pissed off state, Psylocke attempts to end the battle swiftly by attacking his mind. But in doing so she discovers that Bishop’s psyche is more fucked up than Jim Carey on LSD and muscle relaxers. For some reason, his mindscape looks like someone dumped toxic waste in the world of My Little Mermaid. For a guy who has been stranded in the future, you expect him to be a little fucked up. But this confuses even Psylocke. When she tries to piece Bishop’s mind back together, she finds some unusual manifestations in the form of animals. Either Bishop has adopted some disturbing new hobbies in the future or something else happened to him. Whatever it is, we’ll have to wait until the next issue to find out and for once I’m not completely confused on what form that story may take.

There are many ways I could criticize Stan Humphries for his first two issues of Uncanny X-Force, but I can never fault him for making a concerted effort to make these stories awesome. It reminds me somewhat of this fat kid I knew in grade school who always gave the most effort in gym class, but his love of donuts and MacDonald’s always ensured that his efforts were in vain at times and hilarious at others. I still laugh every time I remember seeing him fart uncontrollably after trying to run a mile. He was an admirable kid and in the same respects, this is an admirable comic without the fart smell.

I was hoping to at least get a hint of it in the last issue, but I guess there are some benefits to having damaged my short-term memory with so much pot. This issue actually felt like it should have followed up the first issue because it actually did a much better of bringing these three separate plots together. When I finished reading this issue, I was like “Ah! So that’s why Sprial has gotten into the business of fucking up peoples’ minds for profit! Damn, now I need some weed.” In addition, Humphries also did what Rick Remender was so good at in adding a few personal moments to the mix. The flashback with Psylocke and Storm may have only told us shit we can already get from Wikipedia, but it added some extra depth that had been lacking from the first two issues.

While this issue was definitely more coherent than the first two, it still had a few WTF moments that made reading it drunk a challenge. I like that we got a glimpse into Bishop’s fucked up mind, which we assumed had to be fucked up after being stuck in the future. But other than reveal that he may or may not have some kinky animal fetishes, we really didn’t get any further clarity on why the hell he’s back and why the hell he wanted Ginny. Most of what Psylocke saw in his mind looks like nothing more than a bad acid trip at a zoo, but thankfully it didn’t end with someone trying to fuck the zebras. Also, the Fantomex plot still makes no god damn sense. It seems like their paths will finally cross in the next issue, but at least them jumping out of a plain wasn’t nearly as disturbing as the shit they did in the previous issues. My mind and my dick is still trying to comprehend this new Fantomex and failing terribly in the process.

Maybe I just didn’t read this issue sober enough to appreciate all the subtleties, but in the end I feel as though this comic is only halfway to being awesome. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a massive improvement compared to the previous issue. It’s like going from drinking expired milk to cheap beer. While it won’t make you sick, it’ll still give you somewhat of a buzz. There are still a lot of elements in this arc that need to come together for it to be awesome and Humphries is clearly making an effort. But like that fat kid I used to know, he needs to break certain habits. And since it doesn’t involve eating less quarter pounders for breakfast, I’m more confident that he can get it done. I give Uncanny X-Force #3 a 3.5 out of 5. There may come a day when I add this to that special collection of books that you can actually read sober and still enjoy. But until then, keep the six pack and the whiskey nearby! Nuff said!

Uncanny X-Force #3 - Moonlite Awesome

When a new comic comes along and blows your mind there are many ways in which readers react. It goes without saying that like a murder conviction against OJ Simpson, new comics are hit or miss. Some may start off good. Some may even be good for a few arcs before going down faster than Paris Hilton at a male strip club. When a book really sets itself apart as something special, it's almost like Christmas and Mardis Gras rolled into one. It makes you feel so warm and fuzzy like Christmas morning yet it also makes you want to run out into the streets naked, flashing your tits, and drinking until you're taking a dump in no fewer than three different public areas.

Uncanny X-Force is only three issues in and already it's establishing itself as one of those special comics. Now I haven't gone running out into the streets naked yet like I did with Brightest Day (the charges haven't been dropped yet), but after the first two issues I'm definitely getting oiled up! Rick Remender has really set up something great here. He did what the Miami Heat did and got together a group of all stars minus Lebron James's douche-bag factor. Wolverine, Arcangel, Psylocke, Deadpool, and Fantomex are all heavy hitters. And their first fight is against Apocalypse no less. It's like the Heat are going up against Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls in his prime at the beginning of the season. It's taking no chances, sparing no expense, and throwing everything on the table like a pathological gambler trying to recoup his losses when he's behind on his payments from his loan shark. So far the results have been awesome without the mob having to break your legs.

The last issue took the action all the way to the moon. No, that's not a metaphor. I mean it. Apocalypse's base is actually on the dark side of the freakin' moon and that's where X-Force has to go to take him out. In terms of setting the mood, it's right up there with candles and Barry White music. When X-Force attacked, they were met with Apocalypse's new Horsemen. They were not familiar faces this time. They weren't mind-controlled X-men or villains. They were brand spanking new, ranging from an ancient Greek minotaur to an innocent looking Asian woman (one who could easily be the victim of tentacle rape in anime porn). These guys end up packing quite a punch and give X-Force a spanking that would give even the most hardened sadist a boner.

Uncanny X-Force #3 starts off by explaining the origins of these new horsemen. Each get a full page of history to show that Remender isn't doing a Hugh Grant and pulling stuff right out of his ass. War was once a begger in Ancient Rome who transformed himself into a mutant that became a brutal, half-animal gladiator that enjoyed all the orgies Rome could throw at him. Famine was once a boy for the Confederate army in the American Civil War who was deemed a traitor by a somewhat stupid mix-up by his peers, causing a latent mutant power that fed on human flesh to activate. Pestilence was once a woman in medieval Japan who was jealous how all the other women in her village, so she sent swarms of bugs to disfigure all the other women. Death was once the bastard son of an ancient Persian king who developed a mutant power to spread disease, which he used to destroy his father's kingdom. It offers a basic yet compelling background for these horsemen. Together they are Apocalypse's new A-Team and they show their worthy by schooling X-Force in the mean Catholic nun tradition.

This isn't just narration either. This is the history Psylocke senses. She and X-Force are essentially rendered helpless and the kid Apocalypse (who still haunts my nightmares for his Justin Biebeir style creepiness), is given a choice by his handlers on how they're to be killed. Oddly enough, the kid Apocalypse hasn't developed his asshole side yet and he hesitates. That doesn't matter thought. His handlers, like shitty parents, decide for him. It almost has the makings of a John Huges movie, may he rest in peace.

That hesitation buys some time for X-Force. It allows Wolverine to pull himself together and attack Death despite looking like a patient worthy of two episodes of House. He gets in a few solid shots, showing some of the classic grit we've all come to expect from the cunnucklehead. Wolverine can kick ass even when he looks like a victim of the Black Plague, but he's as handicapped as the rest of X-Force to say the least.

It also allows Psylocke to do some tweaking with Fantomex, allowing him to stop sensing how much pain he's in so he can fight. It beats the shit out of morphine, but the horsemen still put up quite a fight. He takes on Pestilence, who gets right in his way. It doesn't seem like a fair fight, a womanizing French man against a Japanese woman. However, Fantomex still has to resort to trickery. He makes Pestilence believe he's her asshole father and for messed up young woman, that's worse than kryptonite mixed with PMS.

All the disease and blood is starting to get gruesome. At this point, most would be in need of comic relief. Enter Deadpool, the very embodiment of comic relief in the world of X-comics. Normally that relief involves blowing shit up or shooting the hell out of some other shit. This time it's actually a bit more heroic. Deadpool comes to Arcangel's aid and pitches a quick emergency tent. Now how he got such a tent and how it can work in an atmosphere like the moon makes no sense in the real world, but it's Deadpool. He's earned the right to break the laws of physics.

He's going Arcangel again and good old Angel needs a kick start. So what does Deadpool do? Does he use a grenade or shock therapy? No, he uses pop rocks and soda. Anyone who knows anything about urban legends and shit knows you never mix pop rocks with soda. Only those as crazy as Deadpool need apply.

While this is going on, War is getting away with Psylocke. Because what's a struggle against an evil mutant tyrant without a hot Asian woman being taken hostage? Since Wolverine has a soft spot for Asian women (even if they end up dead), he fights just a little bit harder against the sickness Death is inflicting on him. Granted he looks like something the Hulk ate and shat out during a bad case of diarrhea, but contrary to what David Lee Roth says winning the battle is more satisfying than looking good doing it.

So they fight off the attack and lucky for them the horsemen don't stick around to finish the job. It's not a very sound tactic, but then again Apocalypse is still probably wetting the bed at his tender age so tactics shouldn't be quite as refined. They didn't come away empty-handed though. They did capture Psylocke and hot Asian women are like currency to comic book villains it seems. She wakes with War looking over her the same way a pedophile looks over old footage of the Olsen twins. Oddly enough, the hideous creature has somehow fallen for Betsy. A hot ninja woman with a British accent is just too irresistible. Say what you will about such methods, about 55 percent of the men reading this book would probably do the same.

It's all a psychic ruse of course (it has to be if Marvel is to keep the perverted Asian market). Psylocke uses the ruse on War to basically knife him in the face, which can be construed as a feminists response to all the tentacle rape every teenage boy has ever jerked off to. It puts Psylocke in a much better position than the rest of X-Force.

The only other ones in a position to come to her aid are Wolverine and Fantomex. They're still trying to work their way inside while Deadpool continues his pop-rocks treatment with Arcangel. Their little intrusion is cut off because rather than stick around and play defense, the horsemen are choosing to teleport away. It's a bit of a cop out, but it adds further complications to X-Force's mission and makes for good witty dialog between Wolverine and Fantomex. In a comic full of action and hot Asian chicks, it's nice Rick Remender takes at least some time to make some memorable one-liners.

So the bad guys are getting away. It's like the end of every episode of Inspector Gadget. The kid Apocalypse is in his room playing with his action figures (not a masterbation joke by the way), still showing that he has some innocence behind that exceedingly creepy exterior. Just because he looks like Apocalypse doesn't mean he's grown into the douche-bag tyrant that has caused so many migraines with the X-men. This makes for a very awkward moment because before the ship teleports away, Psylocke confronts him. This being the guy she was so intent on killing in the last issue, the kid is in a perfectly reasonable position to shit his pants. It's also an annoyingly fitting way to end the book.

The stage is set for the kid Apocalypse to get a permanent time-out from an angry Asian ninja chick in a completely non-pornographic way. Throw all that together with the death, war, pestilence, and famine of the horsemen battle and you've got all the elements that make Uncanny X-Force #3 so awesome. It doesn't drag at any point yet it still has a certain depth to it that makes it feel less like a Michael Bay movie and more like a Peter Jackson movie. There's wit, charm, and hot ninja chicks. If there's another way to make a comic awesome, I don't know of it.

Now in criticizing this book, I think it says a lot when I have to actually think about things that are wrong with it. I would need several hits of acid and a few spirit quests to really find something that Rick Remender did wrong here. The first three issues of Uncanny X-Force have been masterfully done. They've had personal elements with the Betsy/Warren plot. They've had plenty of action elements with the battle against Apocalypse. They've had plenty of depth too as was demonstrated in this issue when the four horsemen were given some background stories. If there's anything really wrong here it's that the art was a little dark at times, lacking some refinement in some areas. Some of that may be because it takes place on the freakin' moon, but there really isn't much else. This issue continues and refines what is set up in the first two issues, adding polish to a product that was already shiney enough for stoners to stare at to begin with.

This lack of flaws make the scoring fairly easy. I simply can't give it anything less than a 5 out of 5. This issue was another solid piece of comic book awesome from Rick Remender. Uncanny X-Force #3 helps to further solidify this series as one of the best new series to come about in the X-books in quite some time. I've few other ways to describe how awesome it is, so instead I'll just end this review with a hot shot of Psylocke. Nuff said!