Uncanny X-men #11: Nuff Said!

Some things never get old. A cold beer, chocolate donuts, and masturbation come to mind. On the other side of that coin though, there are some ideas that are never good ideas, yet people still keep trying to make them work. I'm not talking about Fantastic Four movies or Comcast customer service either. I'm talking about the kind of shit that never ends well, but people still can't take the fucking hint. That's the best way to describe any idea that involves turning mutants into weapons.

Apocalypse Wars is over. Cullen Bunn, still intent on proving that he deserves to have his shoes licked clean by Emma Frost, is intent on turning Magneto's team of fuck-this-sterilization-shit X-men into a pack of winners. He steps up to the plate again in Uncanny X-men #11, already with a lead and the bases loaded. So why not use that bat to beat down at the pile of shit concept of making mutants into weapons? Yeah, it gave us X-23, Deadpool, and Wolverine, but sometimes awesome requires that things get messy/bloody as hell.

Bunn decides to skip a couple steps to get to the messy/bloody as hell part and Odin bless him for it. The target is some faceless research facility in Utah that's probably funded by Mormons, corrupt casino owners, and Texas republicans. That makes me feel a lot better when the guards get attacked with one of them being turned into mindless ape who bludgeons his co-worker to death. Still less mindless than a typical Trump supporter though.

I want to have sympathy for guards in the Marvel universe, but these guards aren't military. That means they have a choice in the companies to which they lend their services. If they even suspect that the company is making living weapons, I can't have too much sympathy. How many guards have to die before they realize that living weapons fucking hate guards.

More messy/bloody as hell action follows. A group of mutants who look nothing like Wolverine or Deadpool lead the charge. They're not as brutal or hairy or annoying as other living weapons, but they're still pretty damn efficient. Along the way, one of them offers some nice telepathic insight that highlights a lesser known detail of the current Marvel universe, one that makes the Lewis Black in me want to yell at the nearest small animal.

Mutants are already going extinct. They've been sterilized, exiled, and marginalized to such a degree that shooting a mutant in the street probably qualifies as a tax write-off in some parts of the world. Even so, people are STILL making weapons to fight mutants? That's like the Pentagon spending a billion dollars to develop weapons to kill endangered condors.

It's the kind of obscene logic that only those who deal with Fox's lawyers probably understand. This mysterious team of mutants don't bother trying to understand that logic. They find what they're looking for, namely a tank created from Sentinel technology. More messy/bloody as hell action follows and one of the mutants gets cold feet, which means he gets fucking killed on the spot.

That's another problem with living weapons that too many overlook. When they start to fuck up, they tend to die brutally. You either have to be that stupid or have that strong a stomach to get into that business. It's sad, but then again we live in a world where Fox keeps trying to make Fantastic Four movies.

We already know how shit involving living weapons tends to pan out. We don't know what happens when someone has to merge with their flesh-eating twin brother from another dimension. I'm honestly curious about that sort of thing. Smoking a lot of pot makes you think about that shit. Now, Monet is in that exact situation, having absorbed Emplate during Apocalypse Wars. She's stuck with her brother, who is now part of her mind and body. Not only does she give the most terrifying hand jobs ever, she's got to deal with this while the X-men deal with other sterilization shit.

It's a nice demonstration of inner conflict, something Cullen Bunn does very well. He did this with Angel during Apocalypse Wars. Now Monet has to deal with it in a fairly seamless transition of shit storms. At a time when deaths happen off-panel and entire schools move to Limbo, those seamless transitions are pretty damn valuable.

Another precious resource in this let's-fuck-mutants-over-off-panel era is trust. That's something Magneto kind of pissed away during Apocalypse Wars when he revealed he had been working with Mystique and Fantomex on the side. Psylocke, who has multiple reasons to stab anyone who works with Fantomex in any capacity, is not pleased. Being a sexy psychic who can earn trust by telepathy or flashing her tits, she's probably not used to that.

It leads to a tense, but meaningful conversation while Psylocke is wearing sexy workout clothes. So it's both productive for the plot and sexy as hell. That's a damn good combination in my book. Psylocke reveals that despite his lies, they did save Angel. However, he still lied to her and teamed up with Fantomex and Mystique of all people. She doesn't say it outright, but I think she lets him know he better put an adamantium lock on his balls for the foreseeable future.

On top of that, Psylocke is convinced he's still lying to her. Since one lie is rarely the only lie with a guy like Magneto, she has every reason to do more than just take her frustration out on his balls. That's where Monet comes in. Sure, she has secrets of her own, but what better way to distract from her crazy shit than to expose the crazy shit of someone else? It's perfect logic.

You know what's also a perfect combination? I mean besides Psylocke in sexy workout clothes? Sabretooth living in the Savage Land. This place is to him what living in a brewer is to me. It's a perfect environment that maximizes every one of his violent instincts. There are cute adorable animals that will make it into a Disney movie in this place. There are only angry, blood-thirsty dinosaurs and giant bugs. We don't necessarily need a nice montage of Greg Land artwork to reinforce that concept, but it definitely helps.

It's bloody. It's brutal. It's visceral. It's also completely in line with Sabretooth as a character and living weapons like him. It may not do much to move the story forward, but it does give Sabretooth some overdue insight. Since Uncanny X-men began, he's basically just been a Wolverine place-holder, playing the part of the gruff, burley asshole who stabs things that need stabbing. This gives him a chance to channel his more primal traits, something that Wolverine usually resists unless a cold beer or a cute redhead are involved. It's refreshing and it gives Greg Land an excuse to draw more visceral scenes and we can never have too many of those.

It isn't just visceral hunting that probably makes PETA supporters queasy though. Eventually, Sabretooth's therapeutic bloodlust is interrupted by a renewed and more talkative Arcangel. It's another moment that builds on the aftermath of Apocalypse Wars, as opposed to letting all that shit happen off-panel. He finally has more personality than a toaster oven, but still clearly fucked up by being split in two and not in a sexy sort of way. He comments on how his current state and Sabretooth's are similar. Ominous? Yeah. Vague? Fuck yeah. It's still meaningful enough to keep a non-sober mind interested.

He also lets Sabretooth know that they have a mission. On a team where the leader keeps secrets and one of them is possessed by an inter-dimensional sibling, that may even be relaxing in a strange sort of way. It still means stabbing may be necessary so of course Sabretooth is going to play a part.

This mission takes them away from the savage jungles into a domain that may as well be the exact opposite. I'm talking about the Hellfire Club, an organization where the silverware is actually silver, the clothes are made from endangered animals, and the orgies are always refined. Psylocke decides that since Magneto has too much experience keeping secrets from powerful telepaths, she needs to confront him directly. That means going to the Hellfire Club with Sabretooth and stabbing the truth out of someone, even if that means making blood stains on clothes that probably cost a mortgage just to dry clean.

It's not the first time the Hellfire Club has shown up in this series. Their involvement in Uncanny X-men has been hinted at for a while now. Again, Bunn shows an uncanny commitment to cohesion and connections, something that has been seriously lacking at Marvel since they discovered the benefits of letting shit happen off-panel. So this little visit feels both overdue and right.

It does, however, lead to another awkward revelation that will probably prompt Psylocke into stabbing more than Sabretooth. She makes her way to the Inner Circle, only to find out that it has more familiar faces than she thought. Sure, Magneto is there. That she already suspected, but Monet? The same Monet that encouraged her to look into this in the first place? I'm sure that surprises/pisses her off in one too many ways. She claims they want to talk business, but I'm pretty sure Psylocke is ready to do as much stabbing as Sabretooth after this shit.

So...is it awesome?

There's gratuitous bloodshed alongside meaningful plot developments, two ingredients as essential to an awesome comic as beer and porn is to a successful frat party. It's easy, and sometimes necessary, for the aftermath of a major arc to get ignored in favor of something that'll blow more shit up. Cullen Bunn continues to exercise admirable restraint in that respect, focusing more on exploring the fucked up peculiarities of having Magneto lead a team of killer X-men. It's a restraint that even a drunk can admire.

That said, this issue has some of the same flaws that dragged Apocalypse Wars down somewhat. There's a lot of shit going on here, but the connections between the shit isn't all that clear. Don't get me wrong. I like a story about the Hellfire Club and living weapons trashing a military base as much as the next guy, but when you don't read comics sober, it can be more confusing than a non-sober mind can manage. No matter what your mindset though, there's still plenty of fun in gratuitous violence, meaningful plot development, and orgy-loving secret societies. Uncanny X-men #11 has all that and Psylocke in sexy workout clothes. You get your money's worth.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

Scanned Thoughts: Uncanny X-men #11

I'm here to review comics and fuck bitches and since I'm out of bitches at the moment, I guess I'll review comics. I guess I should have some sort of parental warning on this blog or something. I guess I should advise everyone here that I like to say fuck a lot and I tend to use comics as yet another excuse to get wasted, as if I needed anymore. But fuck warnings. All they ever do is let kids know that this shit is too awesome for their parents. So I'm just going to say fuck it and enjoy my full review of Uncanny X-men #11. If you're a pussy and don't like listening to drunks, you should probably go back to watching the Disney channel and take bets on which teen star will become as fucked up as Miley Cyrus.

This issue was already set up with a pretty awesome premise in Uncanny X-men #10 when Cyclops and his revolutionary X-men decided to drop in on a rare pro-mutant rally in Ann Arbor, Michigan. That and I'm sure they would make time to drop in on a frat party and hook up with some hot co-eds. It was a great moment because the idea of humans rallying in favor of mutants is akin to a gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. It was a great moment that showed how Cyclops's revolution was resonating, at least with gullible college students with too much access to weed and booze. Hey, it's a start.

That issue ended predictably with an attack from a killer robot in hopes of shitting on Cyclops's new hipness with the young folks. Killer robots do tend to be a major buzzkill for any college student, second only to midterm exams. This issue picks up with that attack and even adds something extra to the mix, having Cyclops narrate the whole affair. I know this may annoy the piss out of some readers who thought Chris Claremont spoiled these inner monologue type gimmicks for a generation, but I say fuck those readers because this gives a more personal touch to the attack. Cyclops isn't just intent on destroying the Sentinel. He's intent on protecting the humans who dare to support them and that adds an extra element of bravado, which is saying something for a guy who boned both Emma Frost and Jean Grey.

Even with Cyclops offering some insight, battles against Sentinels tend to be as predictable as the Cleveland Browns failing to compete for a Superbowl. Shit starts flying and people start freaking the fuck out. And since some of these college students are probably stoned, it's all the more terrifying. But beyond the usual acts of Emma Frost turning diamond and Magik playing the role of hot teenage girl version of Nightcrawler, the younger revolutionaries get to play a part as well. It wasn't too long ago that these same kids were shitting themselves when they had to go up against Dormammu and the minions of Limbo. Well after that shit, a killer robot hardly warrants a wet fart. So it's refreshing to see characters like Tempus and Hijack flex their new mutant muscle.

As refreshing as this is, the spectacle of the battle ignores an important detail. Cyclops mentions in his musings how he never thought he would live to see the day that humans would be supporting mutants. It's kind of a big deal for him. Yet that big ass rally we saw in the previous issue kind of just disappeared. I get that college kids tend to start running when giant robots or DEA agents show up, but unless you're painfully sober, you don't see too many of these kids fleeing. You don't even get the impression that there was a rally. I don't know if that's just shitty organization or flat artwork, but it basically pisses away that one compelling aspect of humans supporting mutants that the last issue established.

Even with the civilians being nowhere in sight, the Sentinel proves to be a real bitch. Hitting it is like listing facts to a creationist. It does nothing to change how much of a bitch it is. Even Goldball, the pussy who left the X-men after Limbo proved to be too much for them, tries to redeem himself and attacks. It doesn't do much so his reputation as a pussy is still in place. At least he's trying.

In the process of attacking, the Stepford Sisters gain some information about this new Sentinel. It's not quite a killer robot, but it's not quite a killer zombie either. It's something in between, like a Terminator except it didn't appear bare ass naked and steal clothes from a hobo. It doesn't offer much information other than this is an advanced Sentinel and it's not like we don't already have a fuckton of those in the X-men comics. But seeing as how the upcoming Battle of the Atom event will deal with shit from the future, maybe it's a hint of the shit storm to come. If so, there are few hints to suspect as such so drunks like me have little to work with.

Now you would think that a killer robot attacking an American college campus would raise a few eyebrows and you would be right. After all, these kids are the future of this country and their student loan debt ensures they'll be subservient workers and America can never have enough of those. Maria Hill, who has had a pussy boner out for arresting Cyclops since this series began, is pretty pissed off by this development. And apparently SHIELD doesn't like Michigan that much because they don't even have a SHIELD base in the area. Either they had some shitty budget cuts or Michigan is every bit as fucked in the Marvel universe as it is in the real world. I'm guessing it's a little of both.

But Maria Hill just went through the trouble of hiring a new mutant liaison to handle mutant issues like this in Dazzler. To this point she hasn't done much other than blow up Goldball's house, piss off his parents, and do absolutely jack shit when Cyclops came to rescue Goldball when he was illegally detained. And while an American college is under attack, she happens to be in Madripoor. But it's not for the sushi, the drugs, and the hookers.

Madripoor has come up in another one of Bendis's X-books. In a recent issue of All New X-men, Mystique tried to flat out buy Madripoor with a mountain of money that made Madam Hydra cream her panties. The deal went to shit and naturally, it kicked up a shit storm in Madripoor that Dazzler was sent to investigate. It's not her fault that some douche-bag decided to attack a college at the same time. But not much else really comes from her in that she just watches as Madam Hydra has a meeting with the Hand, which ends up turning into a blood bath. In Madripoor, that's the British equivalent of tea time at four. All Dazzler does is watch and let these two evil bastards maim each other. While I think Dazzler's role has been pretty useless thus far, I won't deny that I envy her. Watching two evil organizations kill each other in the Marvel universe is probably akin to a Breaking Bad marathon on Netflix.

It's not like Cyclops wants help from SHIELD anyway. Who would want help from the assholes trying to arrest him? So in an effort to show the human supporters that their Marxist support of his revolution was well placed, he goes all out and tries to blast the Sentinel to dust. Now maybe that would have worked prior to Avengers vs. X-men, but his powers are still broken and he's still struggling to work around it. It makes for a nice spectacle in that it shows how much this affects Cyclops because he can't be the same badass guy that used to see Emma Frost naked on a regular basis. And it still doesn't work, leaving him weak and vulnerable to the point where it looks like he'll become a martyr after all. But seeing as how he's not being played by James Marsden at the moment, that doesn't happen. His young X-men still find a way to fight back and look pretty damn badass in the process.

It's not until Magneto shows up that they finally get the edge over this sentinel. He must have taken his sweet time getting back from his little meeting with Maria. For all we know, he stopped at a strip club in Detroit along the way because his appearance is pretty random. In the same way this issue really lacked the details surrounding the human supporters and Dazzler doing jack shit in Madripoor, Magneto might as well be that guy who pulls the fire alarm in a college dorm during finals week just to wake everyone up. It's a dick move and one that disrupts the flow of the action. It's also worth pointing out that his powers are broken too, yet he manages to destroy the Sentinel through some trick that looks like it involves mosquitoes or sewing needles. It's hard to tell because the scene is so poorly detailed I might as well be reading it through drunk goggles, which is tough when you're already drunk.

It effectively ends the battle, but it's a weak victory if anything. We still don't see much of the other protesters that Cyclops had been speaking too earlier. It would have been nice if he offered at least some level of assurance that his X-men can protect them whenever Magneto doesn't decide to take his sweet ass time. But that's another detail that gets lost. The team just catches their breath and scratches their head in confusion since they really don't know who the fuck sent this Sentinel or why it's fucking with them. And that's the biggest problem with this issue.

I bring up the lack of details repeatedly because this issue leaves way too many blanks and there's only so many that a drunk can fill. Cyclops mentions in his monologue how the Sentinels are stalking him and someone is trying to fuck up his revolution. Well that shit is a given. Cyclops made a fuckton of enemies at the end of Avengers vs. X-men so there are any number of people who would want to fuck him over in ways that Emma Frost never could, but beyond that there isn't much to go on. It just ends up being another Sentinel attack and in X-men comics, that's basically the same as Captain America punching a Nazi. It doesn't have the impact it used to.

That's not to say there aren't some hints. The very last page reveals the mysterious figure who has been controlling the Sentinels, but there's not fucking hint of who he/she/it even is. It just looks like a bad Iron Man cos-player. There's no teaser or clue. This guy might as well be the same guy I know who makes crystal meth in his basement and shoots squirrels with a shotgun in his spare time. There really isn't much to go on here and for anyone who doesn't read comics sober, it leads to a lot of fucked up possibilities. And Marvel should know better than to let readers contemplate too many fucked up possibilities. That's the kind of thing that leads to bad slash fanfiction and crazy shit like Spider-Man making deals with the devil. Okay, bad example.

X-men fighting sentinels is like Indiana Jones fighting Nazis. It's as basic as you can get without Harrison Ford running from a giant boulder. You would think after all this time that Marvel would have run out of ideas on how to make X-men fighting Sentinels compelling, but I guess they just have access to much better weed than I do. The action in this issue was compelling because we got to see how pissed Cyclops was about it every step of the way. But the utter lack of details keep it from being as compelling as it could have been. And because of that, I can only give Uncanny X-men #11 a 6 out of 10. It's a very personal story that lacks some major details, but at the very least it reminds readers of why Cyclops was able to seduce both Jean Grey and Emma Frost. For that, he deserves respect and envy. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #11 - Reflections on Awesome

I have a very simple policy when it comes to filler. Unless it's part of a stripper's breast implants, I'm generally against it. Filler in comics is no different than the filler in the Chicken McNuggets served in McDonalds. You don't know where it comes from. You don't care to know either. And while the taste may not make you sick, it's more bland than Al Gore's facial expression. Big comic events tend to have a metric fuckton of filler. That's why you don't often see me review tie-ins on this blog. I'm sure some of them have great stories to tell, but in the grand scheme of things they're basically the guys in Star Trek with the red uniforms. They tend to be expendable, forgettable, and they never get you laid.

Since Avengers vs. X-men is shaping up to be the biggest Marvel event in a decade, it's impossible to avoid the filler that comes with tie-ins and what not. While I do plan on focusing primarily on the main 12-issue series, some of these tie-ins run through some of my favorite books so I can't avoid them anymore than I can avoid a wet T-shirt contest at a Mexican bar. And like a serving of Chicken McNuggets at McDonalds, I'll partake in these tie-ins/filler every now and then. I won't even need to be drunk at one a.m. with a bad case of the munchies. But there's reason to be hopeful about the Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins and it's not just because it has the potential to show more pages of the X-men and Avengers kicking each others' ass.

The first tie-in I reviewed was Jason Aaron's Wolverine and the X-men #9. It was a comic that expanded on a scene in Avengers vs. X-men #1 where Captain America paid Wolverine a visit. It didn't just add in some extra dialog or give Aaron another excuse to do scenes with Kid Gladiator being a douche. It actually told a compelling story that didn't feel like a tie-in. It's like finding a McNugget that was dipped between Jenna Jameson's breasts and submerged in chocolate. It gave me hope that future tie-ins would be better than history would lead us to believe.

This leads us to Kieron Gillen's first tie-in issue with Uncanny X-men #11. If ever a writer earned the benefit of the doubt (and a free lap dance from my sister), it's Gillen. He's made Uncanny X-men one of the top X-books on the market. Now like Jason Aaron, he takes a number of scenes right out of Avengers vs. X-men #1 and expands on them. Is it still filler? Well if it's awesome, who the fuck cares? Uncanny X-men #11 carefully weaves itself into the events of Avengers vs. X-men #1, showing Cyclops's and Emma's reaction to Hope's little Phoenix tantrum during her 'training.' With help from Dr. Nemesis, they find out that this wasn't your typical PMS-level Phoenix flare. This one actually sent out a signal that some very interested parties (namely the Avengers) would pick up on. It actually explains nicely how Cyclops was so prepared when the Avengers decided to kick diplomacy in the nuts and attack their ass in Avengers vs. X-men #2. And that's the mark of a good tie-in issue, filling plot wholes with the same efficiency as a giant tampon.

The issue then goes from filling in some holes from Avengers vs. X-men to expanding on what happened in the previous issue of Uncanny X-men. That's right. Gillen wasn't content to play off the main series. He actually thought it would be prudent to expand on his own series. It may sound obvious, but I can only assume that the sheer lack of such depth in previous tie-ins was simply a result of comic writers having shitty weed dealers. But I digress.

In the previous issue, the now imprisoned Unit requested to speak to Hope. It was implied at the end that he told her about the Phoenix Force, which would help explain how she seemed to know about it in Avengers vs. X-men #0 (I'm sorry, but continuity can be a beautiful thing so it's worthy pointing out). Now he goes on to give a lecture about destiny and choice. It sounds like he's telling her that she shouldn't give a damn what the other X-men think. She needs to choose her destiny in the end. But as soon as she leaves, he makes a snide remark about how he knows she'll have to make a sacrifice. He taught her one thing while believing the complete opposite. Put on a black robe and he's practically a Catholic priest.

It's an ominous hint that nicely connects the first scene. However, there was nothing ominous about the next scene. It essentially just replays what happened in Avengers vs. X-men #1 when Cyclops flexed his scrotal muscles and shot Captain freakin' America when he demanded that the X-men hand over their mutant messiah. The difference here is that the scene is being narrated by Namor. Okay, so the transition from Hope to Namor made about as much sense as Bernie Madoff's bank account. But it's still a compelling scene because it offers a little insight into why Namor is fighting alongside the X-men. Anyone who knows his history also knows he has far more experience fighting alongside the Avengers. Yet he sees the mutants as analogous to Atlantis, a small group on an isolated plot of land being oppressed by much larger forces. He doesn't mention that the promise of Emma Frost's pussy is keeping him there as well, but he does make clear that while he would prefer to go snorkeling with her he respects Cyclops too much NOT to fight by his side.

Namor quickly joins the battle as it unfolds between the Avengers and the X-men. As he draws some Avengers into the water, Colossus takes a dip as well. It's a somewhat smoother transition here because it picks up on the battle between Colossus and Red Hulk that was only left to the readers' imagination in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Since I'm low on acid, that shit pissed me off so I'm glad we got some more details regarding this battle between the Unstoppable Russian and the blowhard General who looks like a giant rectal wart. But aside from the big time slug fest, Colossus takes some time to do some narrating of his own. Gillen makes another connection to the previous issue where Colossus started showing concerns that he was becoming too unstable with the power of Cytorak. His insight is disturbingly delightful, like reading the journal of Kathey Griffin when she's on peyote. At first he seems to be holding back, but once Red Hulk pisses him off to a certain point he starts to flash some monster mojo that red skin and hulking muscles just can't compete with.

The story then picks up with Hope again, but it's another instance where the transition and the context leave you scratching your head like Chaz Bono at public restroom. Gillen does the same thing he did with Namor, taking a scene from Avengers vs. X-men #2 and expanding on it with his trademark inner monologs. This time Hope narrates the scene where she first flashed her Phoenix potential just as Wolverine was attempting to jam his adamantium appendages into her bowls. In addition to that making a good title for a gay porno, Hope offers some decent insight into what was going through her mind when she started rubbing elbows with that cosmic parrot. She reflects on the rush the power gives her. Wait...a redheaded mutant being overwhelmed by the rush offered by the Phoenix Force? Where have we seen that shit before? It doesn't help that Greg Land's artwork truly shows the extent to which Hope is a Jean Grey ripoff, but it nicely reflects the transformation she went through.

While Gillen's insight here was as enjoyable as can be expected, it didn't exactly fit with what happened in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Maybe I didn't read enough into the scene or maybe I was more drunk than I should've been when I read it, but Hope's demeanor in that issue was very different compared to what was shown here. She almost looks like she's a hooker trying to seduce some Arab oil sheik out of his weekly allowance in this. In Avengers vs. X-men #2 she looked more overwhelmed. It really doesn't seem to fit and it doesn't make clear whether Hope really understands what she's doing or if the Phoenix Force is just fucking with her like it does to all redheads.

The fight with Colossus and Red Hulk is a bit more basic so fortunately it's an isolated incident. It wasn't shown how the battle between Colossus and Red Hulk panned out. Again, this is the kind of shit readers don't like leaving to their imagination when they don't have enough good acid on hand. Gillen does a nice job here of showing Colossus's continued struggle with Cytorak. He also shows that while Red Hulk may not look as badass in the light of other monsters, he's still a full fledged general and you don't get to be a general without knowing a little strategy. Red Hulk pulls a rope-a-dope style move on Colossus, allowing him to pummel his ass until he starts damaging the support columns to Utopia. This is where Colossus shows that he's still capable of controlling his unstoppable nature and allows Red Hulk to beat his ass before he beats Utopia to a pulp. It's like admitting your dick is small when a douche-bag challenges you, but it shows that Colossus still has a sense of humility behind that unstoppable shell.

After word gets out that someone stopped the unstoppable Colossonaut, Cyclops goes into a "we're fucked" mode. Not only did one of their strongest fighters get beat, but they lost the mutant messiah. With the Avengers still understandably pissed, he's forced to try a different tactic. It involves contacting the X-men's PR person, Kate Kildare, that they hired shortly before the events of Schism. He has her issue a press release that essentially calls the Avengers fascists for storming onto their self-proclaimed country and demanding they hand over a girl that may be the key to burning the planet to a crisp. I'm not sure I got the memo where one press release is enough to turn public sentiment against Earth's Mightiest Heroes, but I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. Otherwise Rupert Murdoch would have been crowned emperor of the United States years ago.

This may be the start of a disturbing new trend and for once it doesn't involve my tastes in fetish porn. Marvel is actually churning out some high quality tie-ins with Avengers vs. X-men. You would think that an event built around the premise of the X-men beating up the Avengers wouldn't have much room for depth, but both Jason Aaron and Kieron Gillen have essentially given the finger to traditional tie-ins and found a way to make them awesome. This issue follows the similar path established in Wolverine and the X-men #9. It takes some scenes from Avengers vs. X-men and expands on them. Gillen's inner monologs with characters have always been his strength. He really showed them off here with his take on Colossus, Hope, and Namor. It's like having an 11-inch cock. What's the good of having one if you can't whip it out and show it off?

While Gillen's knack for dialog is readily apparent, this issue is lacking in some areas. The events surrounding Hope when she bolted from Utopia in Avengers vs. X-men #2 seemed inconsistent. In the main comic she seemed less coherent. In this she seemed to make a conscious choice. It doesn't quite fit, but it doesn't change too much either. In addition the transition from scene to scene was a bit spotty. Some parts took place before the big clash in Avengers vs. X-men #2. Some took place after. There was no logical flow to them. It didn't tell the same coherent story that Wolverine and the X-men #9 told. It was still a solid expansion of sorts on the characters, but it just didn't fit together as well as it could have.

I can be pretty damn dogmatic in some things. Certain brands of beer are one of them. However, when it comes to tie-in comics being awesome I'm more than willing to change my beliefs. I'm not a creationist. I don't live in a world of willful ignorance and magical fairies. I can accept that tie-in issues can be just as awesome as the main event. Jason Aaron showed it. Now Kieron Gillen has reinforced it. This gives me hope that future Avengers vs. X-men tie-ins won't have to be overlooked. It also means I'll have to sell a few extra bags of weed to have enough money to buy all these new comics, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I give Uncanny X-men #11 a 4 out of 5. I would have Cyclops's woman as well. I would also enjoy stabbing a blatant Jean Grey ripoff in the gut with adamantium claws. When your that much in tuned to a comic, it doesn't mean dick if it's a tie-in issue. Nuff said!