Uncanny X-Force #21 - Wonderland of Awesome

Few things that aren't laced with blow or weed make me happier than seeing a douche-bag get punished. It's the kind of justice that you just don't see in the real world because said douche-bags are CEOs of bangs and reality TV stars. Uncanny X-Force has done a lot of amazing things since Rick Remender birthed it from the entrails of Second Coming. One of those things involve demonstrated just how big a douche-bag Fantomex can be when he's put on a team of killers, one of which is a hot Asian chick that likes to run around in thongs. He's shot a kid in the head, forced a kiss from a woman trying to save her boyfriend, and has generally acted like a snooty French stereotype that could very well cut off all imports of wine and fancy cheese. That's not to say he hasn't had his moments. Despite shooting a kid in the head, he was also behind the creation of Genesis and he was instrumental in stopping Arcangel. But still, some of this douche-baggery can't go unchecked.

This is the story Rick Remender is telling in wake of the Dark Angel Saga. Fantomex has had questionable ethics, even for a team of secret assassins, since the series began. This is what led Psylocke's brother, Brian Braddock, to abduct her and Fantomex into his exotic domain known as Otherworld. I'm sure Charlie Sheen calls the inside of his pants the same thing. But in addition to having an overdue family reunion to discuss the ethics of Psylocke joining a kill squad, Captain Britain puts Fantomex on trial for his crimes. Since Fantomex has the legal skills of stoned rabbit, he gets convicted and doesn't even apologize for his crimes. Hell, he even says he would do it again. As someone who is on a first name basis with a number of district judges, I can say without reservation that being a douche and not apologizing will not make you any less vulnerable to prison rape.

Uncanny X-Force #21 picks up right after this sentence has been handed down. Fantomex is in a cell where he's about to get a series of injections into his brain that will render him more brain dead than a Sarah Palin miscarriage. He's still a defiant douche, showing no remorse even as he narrates how the injections start damaging his brains (yes, he has more than one). He gets to a point where he has the mental capacity of that kid in first grade that ate paint chips and snorted paste. He could be reduced to bed-wetting, but luckily for him Psylocke still has a sense of compassion and/or a pussy boner for him. At the end of the last issue she was given a choice to either see this justice through or go against her own family. Since her family is being a bigger douche than Fantomex at the moment, she chooses the lesser of two douches.

While Psylocke has to choose between the worst of two worlds, the rest of X-Force is stuck fighting their way through an army of Lord of the Rings rejects trying to rescue her. They're making less progress than Newt Gingrich did in Florida. Wolverine ends up clashing with a mage-like creature with a goat head armed with something called the orb of Metallum. It may sound like a shitty name for an 80s hair metal band, but it's actually a potent piece of hardware in the sense that it controls metal (ie: Wolverine's adamantium skeleton). This puts him a world of hurt that Uncanny X-Force always tends to make extra gruesome.

Since Deadpool is currently dealing with his latest bout of Severed Head Syndrome, it's up to AOA Nightcrawler to save his sorry ass. That's not as simple a choice as it sounds because if you'll recall, AOA Nightcrawler comes from a world where his Wolverine took on the mantel of Apocalypse and started sodomizing the world with his douche-baggery. So seeing another version of Wolverine suffer is satisfying in the same way it is to see someone from the Jersey Shore get arrested. But he doesn't take too much pleasure from it. He still plays the part of a hero and saves Wolverine, looking pretty damn badass while doing it. He may not be the same Nightcrawler, but fuck if he isn't awesome in his own right.

AOA Nightcrawler's exploits ensure that X-Force remains intact, but they're still on the run. That means they're not in a position to help Psylocke, who is still trying to escape her brother's domain with a brain damaged Fantomex in her grasp. She makes her way towards the dimensional door back to good old 616 Marvel, but then her other douche-bag brother, Jamie Braddock, catches up with her and uses his reality warping powers to stop her. He's understandably confused why she would choose to save this confessed child killer rather than rub elbows with her own family. It's not an unreasonable question even for a comic book, but Psylocke makes clear that they don't know Fantomex and aren't in a position to judge him. Because isn't that what the X-men are about? Not judging people? That and spandex uniforms? Apparently, Jamie doesn't agree and Psylocke has to make a run for it again. All the while Fantomex is still dribbling on like a little boy that just had his sippy cup taken away from him. It's somewhat pathetic, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoyed seeing Fantomex like this after some of the shit he's done.

The situation is worse for the Braddocks than just having a rebellious sister that can't keep her legs closed around dangerous men. Their entire Otherworld realm is still under siege and Psylocke isn't providing the added muscle they hoped. Not only could they not carry out Fantomex's punishment, but they lost Psylocke and the Lord of the Ring reject forces are hot on their trail. Whatever they did to piss them off is so bad that they're willing to cause a reality-warping storm to get back at them. I can be as vindictive as the next drunk, but even I have my limits. If that weren't bad enough, this enemy of theirs has more orbs like the one that sent Wolverine's insides through a blender. It's like giving Kim Jong Ill's son an entire country and nuclear weapons. Wait...okay, bad example.

While the Captain Britain Corps are busy shitting their pants, X-Force continues their trek through this deranged world in search of Psylocke and Fantomex. Plus, they have to keep carrying a headless Deadpool that still won't shut up. I'm pretty sure that qualifies Otherworld as a new circle of Hell. But they actually luck out along the way. They run into Meggan, another one of Captain Britain's cohorts who used to run around with Nightcrawler in her Excalibur days. They must have done plenty of running because she kisses him when she sees him. I'm not sure how AOA Nightcrawler feels about taking advantage of pretty girls that kiss him, but I get the sense he's all for it. She also is in a position to give X-Force some badly needed answers and someone other than Deadpool to listen to.

So let's review for a second. AOA Nightcrawler not only saved Wolverine's sorry ass, but also got a quick smooch from a hot British woman. Regardless of how you feel about using an AU version of a character, it's hard to deny that he's making quite a mark in this issue. He spent most of last issue making it clear he wasn't the same Nightcrawler that Wolverine was friends with. He came off as a bit of a douche at times. But here, still a douche yet still distinctly Nightcrawler. Since he's still new to the team, I'd say this is a damn good first impression.

While they're getting answers, other parts of the story are getting more fucked up. Psylocke escaped with Fantomex, but is in no position to do much since her way home has been cut off by Jamie. So in a somewhat spotty transition she makes her way to some odd temple. How she knows about this place is beyond me and not really explained, but it contains some creature named Krockwel. Now maybe I'm just high right now, but I don't know who the hell Krockwel is or how he can be of much help to Psylocke. She reveals that he was once a servant of Otherworld and she wants his help in healing Fantomex. He doesn't really have much incentive to do so since her family threw his ass out of the Captain Britain Corps. He refuses to help, but Psylocke insists as if failing means she can never wear a thong again. So he makes her a deal. She has to do something big in return if he's to help her. Because nothing bad has ever happened when someone makes a deal with an all powerful creature. Just ask Spider-Man and Mary Jane.

If this sounds a little fucked up, it is. Rick Remender usually doesn't slap random shit together without there being some rhyme to the rhythm. He's not making British punk music here. But while he does make an effort to explain Krockwel, it still feels like it's pieced together with scotch tape at the last second. Between this and the less than smooth transitions between scenes, it's easy to get a little lost at this point in the book. It's one book where you kind of have to lay off the weed in order to follow what's going on. For some, that may defeat the purpose of reading comics, but for Uncanny X-Force it's usually worth it.

We don't even get to see what sort of horrible trade Psylocke has to make in order to save Fantomex. She doesn't have a marriage with Peter Parker to sacrifice so what could it be? Well while she figures that out, more random shit happens back at Captain Britain's stronghold. That same Goat-headed creature that X-Force faced earlier has arrived and brought an army of the undead along with him. Where did the army come from? How is this shit happening so quickly? Probably for the same reason that Psylocke caught up with Krockwel. There is an effort to explain it with Captain Britain identifying the creature as Horoam'ce, but it still feels like Remender is using too much duct tape. Plus, he's using an army of undead warriors to attack. I think we have enough zombie movies to cover shit like that. They seem pretty screwed, but as this is happening Meggan is leading X-Force into the battle. So there's still a chance it won't be completely lopsided.

Cue another spotty transition and we meet up with this Horoam'ce. He's essentially a less ugly form of Jabba the Hut, living it up in a palace/harem of sorts. As this battle is going on, he gets an update about his attack and Psylock's dealings with Krockwel. He seems to be taking it seriously, which makes him slightly smarter than Jabba the Hut. He figures he needs help from someone who has enough burning hatred of the X-men to want to tear reality a few new assholes to hurt them. So he finds it in the form of someone who looks like a much less badass version of Hellboy. I honestly can't determine who it is at the moment. It's another one of those details that was overlooked in this issue. While I'm sure it'll be explained in the next issue as is often the case with Remender, it still leaves this issue feeling incomplete.

As someone who has taken many an acid trip to many exotic locations, I find this world that X-Force has found themselves in to be no worse than the fourth most exotic locale short of the isles of strippers that I visited when I mixed mushrooms with imported Turkish weed. It's so exotic it's easy to get lost at times. That more than anything is the flaw in this issue. It has all the usual Uncanny X-Force elements. There's a big ass fight, some heartfelt drama, and a few severed heads within a dangerous world you won't find outside of Tim Burton's imagination. It just doesn't fit together as well as it usually does. It lacks the usual coherence that Rick Remender adds to most of his quality books. It's hard to follow the plot with Psylocke saving Fantomex from her brother and the rest of X-Force fighting against Mr. Goat Head. There's still a good chance that it'll fit together in the next issue, but as it stands this issue still lacks that feel.

It's still a quality book. This issue had some nice moments on top of the usual high-caliber awesome that Rick Remender has so frequently provided on this title. Most notable is AOA Nightcrawler's contribution to the carnage. In the last issue he made clear that he was not the same holy-man-in-a-demon's-body Nightcrawler that the X-men know and love. In this issue he made clear that despite the differences, he's still every bit the skilled fighter his 616 counterpart was if not more so. He's really establishing himself as a new presence in X-Force, not just relegated to carrying around Deadpool's severed head. Plus, he even got a kiss from a hot chick out of it. I'd call that a win on any level.

Overall, this book is incoherent as a whole, but still solid on all the usual levels. You may be confused by the politics of Otherworld and the subtext of Fantomex's juvenile musings, but you'll still get to enjoy plenty of action and bloodshed. There's magic, talking heads, and family fueds. It's like a family reunion if someone spiked the punch with peyote. It's not filler, but it doesn't feel complete. So while by most standards it's still awesome, by the lofty Uncanny X-Force standards it's a bit sub-par. So with that in mind I give Uncanny X-Force #21 a 4 out of 5. We're right in the middle of that acid trip I mentioned earlier. All the pretty images and talking ink blots are overwhelming at the moment, but eventually they usually mesh together before you start throwing up. If you have a weak stomach, I encourage you to tough it out! Uncanny X-Force is usually worth it. Nuff said!

Uncanny X-men #6 - Let's Talk About Awesome

There are people out there that think comics aren't a legitimate form of literary art. If ever you cross paths with these people, I encourage you to push them down a flight of stairs and then step on their nuts on the way down. Just because comics don't contain pages upon pages of words arranged into jumbled boxes of text doesn't mean there isn't real literary gold involved. Hell, comics have more shit going for it because it doesn't just use boxes of text. It uses actual pictures so that writers don't have to spend two pages describing the underwear that some overly proper bimbo is wearing while she's swooning over a guy with eight-pack abs and ten-inch dick. I'd much rather see a picture of beautiful women in spandex costumes than try to decipher shitty writing.

That said, all the pretty art and breast depictions in the world can't save a shitty comic from being shitty. Yes, even boobs have their limit. Great comics also have great writing. Great writing requires great writers. I know that sounds obvious, but great writers for comics are harder to come by than a sober co-ed at a frat house party. Kieron Gillen has become one of those rare finds for Marvel. While previous writers could tell a story, Kieron Gillen has shown genuine talent at bringing those stories to life with his words. He's shown it in both Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men. The epic battles and shit that blows up is just bonus. Plus, he even has a slick British accent that can soak the panties of any woman that fantasizes about James Bond. So there's that too. Uncanny X-men has benefited from his talent since he took over. It's benefited even more since he took the events of Uncanny X-Force and mixed them with that of Uncanny X-men.

This has forged the current Tabula Rasa arc. The X-men's Extinction Team is caught up in the miniature evolutionary petri dish that Arcangel used to essentially TIVO hundreds of millions of years of evolution. In the last issue they ventured inside to rescue some people who were stupid enough to take a hike in this world. They ended up finding not only an exotic world, but an exotic race of creatures that worshiped Arcangel as a god. Now that the TIVO isn't fast forwarding anymore, they're a little fucked up. And as it turns out, there were competing gods within this tiny realm. It's not unlike modern day Israel and Palestine. Except the god the X-men have to deal with here is big ass suit of metal with some big ass guns. Oh yeah, and it's the kind of metal that Magneto can't crush so he and Psylocke (who is subbing for the one-armed Emma Frost) have to avoid playing martyr. One of the innocent little creatures isn't so lucky. While this is going on, Gillen is actually narrating from this creature's perspective. It's not as compelling as the Phalanx bit he did a few issues ago, but it's a nice change.

Psylocke tries to call on Cyclops for backup, but unfortunately he was swallowed and pooped out by Tabula Rasa in the last issue so while he's not dead he probably wish he was. It also means he's in no condition to assist her and Magneto. Tabula Rasa is about as welcoming to strangers as a Victoria's Secret in Saudi Arabia because the rest of the team is quickly occupied. Colossus and Illyana have to play extras in a Jurassic Park remake while Hope and Namor have to play extras in an Abyss remake. It's remakes abound, even if there isn't much depth to it. Given that Colossus and Illyana weren't distracted at the end of the last issue, it's a little contrived for them to get attacked just as Psylocke and Magneto are facing down an Iron Man knock-off who I'm guessing has a very small penis. Yet Storm and Danger aren't occupied so they are able to come to their aid, so it's not as convenient as it could have been.

But what about Cyclops? What happens to a guy after a world literally poops him out into the middle of nowhere? Well it actually ends up being helpful in the same way getting your dick stuck in a toaster helps you make friends with EMTs. After being partially digested, he's taken to a lair by a creature that looks like it lost one too many fights with Predator. That lair contains the missing people who were stupid enough to venture inside Tabula Rasa in the first place. It almost makes you wish they were the ones pooped out by a world, but it's not about to turn into another shitty Aliens vs. Predator bit. While the creature did capture the overly curious humans, it also protected them and not because it was preparing to eat/mate with them. It's not clear what it really wants until it starts talking...in English. Okay, it's shitty English that only a drunk George W. Bush could muster, but English none-the-less.

Back with Magneto and Psylocke, the battle against the Iron man knock-off continues. It's been a bit lopsided to this point since Magneto can't use his powers to crush this thing like a beer can. But in a move that may or may not be his way of getting into Psylocke's panties, he puts that helmet of his to better use aside from being a shitty fashion statement. In a spectacle that makes Magneto just a little bit more than an old man with too much Viagra in his diet, he turns his helmet into a barrage of shrapnel. It doesn't completely stop the Iron Man rip-off, but it does make the fight seem a little less lopsided. That and I think it did earn him some points with Psylocke because when it tried to blast them again, she pushed him out of the way. In comics, that's the same as saying "Want to go back to my place and see how I got straight As with all my male teachers?"

Magneto's attack forces the Iron Man ripoff to step up it's attack and go in for the kill. This would be more than appropriate if it hadn't wasted so much time, allowing both Danger and Storm to catch up to the battle. To this point Danger has been providing surveillance by turning herself into a satellite. But she also showed that a satellite can also doubt as a giant dick from space capable of badly fucking anyone and anything from sub-orbital space. When she arrives on the scene, the overcompensating robot gets whatever counts as it's asshole plowed and not in a way that makes for awesome gay porn. If that isn't enough to shrivel it's scrotum, Storms hows up as well and throws in several million volts of lightning. So if this thing was really a god to the creatures on this world, then I think it's safe to say they just pulled a Richard Dawkins on it's ass. That'll leave only the alien equivalent of creationists and you know they aren't going to be smart enough to pose a threat.

They've taken down the killer robot/demigod. One of the biggest threats in this world that God was drunk when he created is neutralized for now. It's a great time to reunite and regroup. Unfortunately, the others are still occupied and for reasons that feel more like an "my dog took a shit on my computer and destroyed my homework" type excuse. Apparently while the battle against the robot wannabe god was unfolding, Colossus's battle against the local wildlife went bad and they took Illyana...off panel...with no other details given. Now normally Gillen is really good about moving the plot along in a believable, coherent way. He usually doesn't resort to tricks that keep certain characters out of the way unless it's developed. This shit just seems to come out of nowhere. While it looks awesome when Colossus goes all Juggernaut, it feels like an overly contrived reason to keep him from meeting up with the others.

Normally, I'm willing to overlook one such misstep. Then we revisit the underwater battle with Namor and Hope. Like the battle with Colossus and Illyana, it ended...off panel...with no other details given. Starting to see a pattern? But it's not just those lost details that make this scene feel glossed over. Namor spends two pages essentially explaining to the inexperienced Hope that knows only kicking ass and ripping off Jean Grey that the underwater creatures around them aren't enemies. They think they're under attack because of all the shit that's been going on with Tabula Rasa's timestream getting all fucked up. While kicking their asses is all well and good, it probably would serve them better if they found a way to make them allies.

This tactic is all well and good if not for the long-winded explanation. I get that Gillen is good with words and like a man with a large penis, likes to show it off. But words aren't enough here. Aside from the talking, all Hope and Namor do is swim. They aren't fighting anything. Nothing seems to be stalking them either. It's just swimming and talking. Too much talking. It's a more than a slight shift from the battle against the robot demigod earlier. It's way longer than it needs to be.

It doesn't stop there either. Back with Psylocke, Magneto, Storm, and Danger, they catch up with Cyclops who brings with him some answers in the form of the same creature that abducted him. This creature, who learned English in a way makes you want to slap the clerk at 7-11 who can't figure out which brand of cigarettes you want, explains to the X-men the kind of bullshit they're up against. He didn't capture those people for kicks. He did it to study them and not with anal probing thankfully. Once he was reasonably sure that humans were sentient (although he admits he's not convinced), he explains what happened to his world.

It's another long winded explanation that takes up multiple pages. The creature calls himself Savage and his race is called Apex. Like humans, they considered themselves the top species of Tabula Rasa. Also like humans, they were energy hogs. They were smart enough to understand that at some point a self-contained world like this won't be able to keep it's equivalent of iphones and vibrators working. So they needed an alternative. Savage's friend (aka the guy in the Iron Man suit), decided it was a good idea to build a big ass suit of armor and look for energy outside Tabula Rasa. Savage's idea was to put themselves in stasis until Tabula Rasa's fucked up timeflow stabilized. That's the same as suggesting to someone that they knock themselves out until someone comes up with a viable alternative to fossil fuels. It's taken about as seriously as Ryan Secrest. While Savage went with his stasis idea, his buddy built the suit. Essentially, it boiled down to people not being able to come together to find a solution to an energy crisis. If these guys can't do it with Celestial technology, what hope is there for humanity? Fuck, I need some weed.

The long winded explanation continues. When Savage emerged, he found out that the Apex eventually caved to his idea and made a stasis field to wait out the coming temporal ass raping. It ended up failing. Tabula Rasa simply used them to feed the many other creatures. So when Savage's buddy returned after being stuck in temporal stasis as well, he was understandably pissed to find that his whole civilization was fucked. Naturally, he wants it back and doesn't care if he fucks the entire world when he does it. It's a lot of talking and not much else, but it does explain what they're up against and it shows that a giant robot demigod isn't just compensating for a small penis. It wants to rebuild it's civilization and is okay with blowing shit up in the process. It's understandable and shouldn't take several pages to explain.

I like Kieron Gillen's writing. I really do. He actually puts some effort into his words when he writes. That goes a long way with comics and for much of his run, it's been one of his strengths. However, in this issue he overdid it. There was a lot of talking, but not much was said. Maybe that's just the weed typing this shit for me, but between the narrations from Savage and Namor's little exposition it just seemed like wasted words. It's like driving your car down the driveway just to pick up the fucking mail. It caused the comic to really drag and spent way too much time just explaining shit rather than actually doing it.

Now not all these words were meaningless. They did fill in some of the blanks as to what is going on with Tabula Rasa and what it is the Extinction Team is up against. Savage and his race have their own history and in this issue, we got just a brief taste of how vast that history really is. The problem is it's not as compelling as it could have been. Too much was given all at once. There wasn't enough mystery left behind to be revealed later. Now maybe that's because this arc isn't long enough and Gillen is trying to squeeze too much in, but it simply doesn't work as well usual. Plus, scenes with Namor and Hope seemed glossed over. So did Illyana's disappearance with Colossus. Gillen just told the story. He didn't really show it. Think of it this way. Would you rather have a beautiful woman describe her tits or actually show them to you?

This isn't a bad comic. It has plenty of action as well as a pretty elaborate story that's worth following. It just drags too much in some areas while not expanding in others. While it leaves the issue feeling ab it flat, it doesn't mean the whole arc is brought down. Kieron Gillen has plenty of ways to make the next issue as awesome as it needs to be. Until then, this issue is a textbook case of filler. So for a final score, I give Uncanny X-men #6 a 3.5 out of 5. There's a decent story here and Kieron Gillen is great at telling it. It just hasn't come together yet. Once again, I'll compare it to tits. The hot stripper is still on stage. She hasn't taken her bra off yet and she's been teasing it way longer than any decent stripper should. But you can tell there's something behind that bra worth seeing and you can't help but stare in anticipation. I think I've made my point. Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue 46: Paradise Mystery is LIVE!

Got a big update today! The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is ready for another update. In addition, I also have some important site updates. But I know that most readers are eager to see the next issue of X-men Supreme Volume 3: Ashes of Hope. Two issues in and I've already introduced a new array of themes to this fanfiction series. I've tried to highlight the more social aspects of the X-men. They have always been a metaphor for civil rights and the past two issues have brought that into focus. However, the X-men are still seen as superheroes. As such, they face challenges that go beyond politicians if you can believe that. I always intended to add more elaborate threats to the X-men fanfiction series. Well one of thsoe treats emerges today and it involves the X-men taking a trip back to Genosha. Enjoy!

Issue 46: Paradise Mystery

In addition to this new issue, I also did an update of the pics section. I know it's been a while since I updated the ever popular X-women section. I've tried to keep up while keeping the X-men Supreme fanfiction series going. It isn't a huge update, but I did managed to find some great pics of Jean Grey, Rogue, and Mystique. I'm always on the lookout for more so if you happen to have some pics you want to see posted, please contact me and I'll be happy to post them.

Also, please take the time to post feedback on this and every other issue of X-men Supreme if you can. There has been a dip in traffic lately for this website. If I'm not doing something right, I can't correct it if no one tells me. So please provide feedback for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series and the X-men Supreme website as a whole. I work long and hard on this site and it's important that I know that others enjoy what I do. Please contact me at any time with feedback and suggestions. Thank you and I hope you all enjoy the new issue. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-Sanction #3 - Fate Catching Up With Awesome

What do you say about a guy who picks a fight with a group of other guys who are bigger, stronger, healthier, better looking, and more equipped than him? The first thing that comes to mind is "What the fuck did that guy drink and where can I get some?" The second is "Oh, Jeph Loeb released another issue of X-Sanction and I don't have my weed. Fuck me with the carcass of a wiener dog." No one will ever mistake a Jeph Loeb comics for a comic equivalent to Shakespeare. The man doesn't make his mark with snappy dialog. He does it with stories that are hard-hitting, destructive, and emotional. When it's done wrong, it makes you envy the blind and the brain-dead. When he does this right, his comics are like Jenna Jameson porn to all your senses. X-Sanction has been an example of the latter and the timing couldn't be better.

Marvel has gone to great lengths to soak the panties of every Marvel fan in the world with their upcoming Avengers vs. X-men event. The stage is set for the most epic of dick-measuring contests. But before either side unzips their pants, the stage has to be set. And who better to do that than Cable? He's the kind of guy who doesn't need to be drunk to take on another bunch of guys that are bigger, stronger, and less infected with the techno-organic virus. He only needs to knowledge that the Avengers do something to Hope that makes her unable to save the world from the Phoenix Force.

That's all the excuse he needs to travel back from the future, lure the Avengers into a trap, and lock them in one of Magneto's old containment chairs that look like something an evil Stephen Hawkings would use. He spent the first two issues taking down Captain America and Iron Man. He had a good plan against them and was able to beat them, despite taking more licks than anyone infected with a techno-organic virus should allow. That plan didn't exactly extend to Red Hulk. This is where even a dedicated adopted father has his limits and it doesn't help that he now looks like a terminator reject.

But X-Sanction #3 shows that while Cable has a knack for screwing himself over, he's not without a Plan B. In the first issue of X-Sanction, it was revealed that Cable survived Second Coming and was sent into the future. It's a future that sucked ass, but he was able to meet up with his old buddy Blaquesmith. He was the one that told him he needed to hunt down the Avengers. He was the one that told him they fucked with his daughter in a non-R. Kelly sort of way. Knowing a guy his age with a techno-organic virus had his work cut out for him, it turns out Blaquesmith came back with him and arrives just in time to stab Red Hulk a new one before he puts a giant bullet in Cable's head. Now where was he before when Iron Man was kicking his ass? Presumably, he's taking a moment to enjoy the golden age of internet porn. But still, his entry is a bit convenient but there's a reason for that and it isn't apparent now so just enjoy the sight of Red Hulk getting stabbed.

It's still an unfair fight. Blaquesmith and Cable are essentially like pitting Betty White and Clay Akins against Mike Tyson. They're only tactic is to stay in one piece long enough to come up with a plan. But this overmatched battle isn't enough for Loeb if you can believe that. The last two issues have left some burning questions, namely how the fuck did Cable put together a scheme like this to take on the Avengers? Well he finally answers that with another flashback, continuing a similar theme set in previous issues. In these flashbacks we find out that Blaquesmith was the one that supplied Cable with those fancy containment chairs. He even supplied him with that fancy Iron Man suit that he used to take down Iron man in the previous issue. It even answers a more fundemental question. How the fuck did he get back to the past anyways? Simple. Blaquesmith had Dr. Doom's time machine.

To some, it sounds overly convenient. However, in this instance it actually adds some coherence to the story. Blaquesmith is a known time traveler and not known for his ballsy confrontations. So even if he had this gear, he wouldn't have the scrotal strength to take on the Avengers. But when Cable showed up, he now has both the manpower and the ballsiness to take on this mission. In other comics written by Jeph Loeb, these kinds of details often get overlooked. This time, they fit more nicely than a thong on Megan Fox's ass.

But clearing up details of the past is only a minor part to the plot. The meat of the conflict is the hulking red monster currently looking to beat the shit out of Cable and his time traveling, ass clenchingly ugly friend. All Blaquesmith can do is run around and try not to get shot. That doesn't last too long, but before Red Hulk can put a giant bullet in that deformed skull he calls a head Cable manages a psychic attack on his mind. This is quite a feat given that the past two issues have made it painfully clear that he's very sick. The techno-organic virus has limited his body and his powers. So a psychic attack is no easy feat, but it does give him the time he needs to gather himself, get his gun, and use Red Hulk for target practice.

That tactic lasts about as long as a chicken fried steak on John Goodman's dinner plate. After shaking off the bullets as only the Hulk can, Red Hulk comes storming back at Cable with a fucking anchor. To hell with a shield or a suit of iron. All Red Hulk needs is an anchor and Cable is in deep shit. It's painfully clear here that Red Hulk is a Jeph Loeb creation because he looks pretty badass here, much more so than Iron Man or Captain America did in previous issues. He lays it on Cable like PETA at a slaughterhouse. It gets to a point where it's pretty lopsided. Between the techno-organic virus and not having a containment chair big enough to hold Red Hulk, I imagine his asshole is getting mighty worried.

Red Hulk has him in a death grip with the anchor, forcing Cable to rely on some dumb luck. Well he gets it in a way that's more fucked up than it is dumb. Remember the techno-organic virus? You know, the thing that's been plaguing him his whole life and forced Cyclops to send him into the future back when Oliver North was being indicted for Iran Contra? Well he finally puts that shit to use and makes some deadly spikes from it. These spikes go into Red Hulk like a pin-cushion and unlike Cable, he hasn't had a lifetime with which to resist it. In the process he finds out that he can limit the damage done by the techno-organic virus by giving it to someone else. This is a little more fucked up because you would think that with all this time he would have figured that shit out. But he didn't. It may seem like an overly forced twist, but it succeeds in shutting up the Red Hulk. So in that sense it's the kind of fucked up dumb luck that works.

This could have been just the break Cable needed. He could have been back on track to start busting heads with more Avengers. But then there's a dramatic change with an emphasis on drama. I mentioned earlier that Blaquesmith was MIA for the first two books. Where could he have been? Well he wasn't just jerking off to the sound of people getting their ass kicked. He was off getting Cyclops and Hope, the only two people who could talk some sense into him. They arrive just in time to see him pointing a gun at Red Hulk's head. Needless to say, it makes for a very powerful moment.

Even if you didn't read Second Coming (the shame of a thousand glow sticks up the ass if you haven't), this moment has impact. Ever since the beginning of the series, Cable has made it clear that everything he's doing is for Hope. He sees the future and in it the Avengers made it so she and the rest of the world were scorched from the Earth. Now here she is right in front of him and while she's happy to see him, she's not too happy to find out that he's beating the shit out of the Avengers. Scott, his father mind you, isn't that thrilled either and Cable has never been one to act rationally when it comes to family matters. Just ask his son Tyler. Oh wait, he's dead. Never mind!

The drama here escalates. Cyclops is prepared to free the Avengers and stop his son. Cable isn't having it. They go back and forth, recalling what it means to be a parent and sacrifice for a child. Cyclops did that for Cable back when he was a baby and he makes it clear how much that stuck with him. Cable makes it clear that he's willing to make just as big a sacrifice for Hope. In a series that's been mostly Cable beating the shit out of the Avengers (which is pretty awesome in it's own right), this kind of drama really adds another element to the story. It's a major change from the last two issues, but in a decidedly awesome way.

The tension escalates as Cyclops makes it clear that he's not going to let Cable continue. Cable goes so far to point a gun at his own father, forcing Hope to stand between them before this becomes fucked up on a Jerry Springer type level. But before Springer can get to his Final Thought, the rest of the Avengers catch up with them. That includes Spider-Man and Wolverine. Yes, the same Wolverine that came to hate Cyclops's guts after Schism. And since they don't know what's going on, they see the Avengers all roughed up and that's enough to convince them that someone needs to get their ass kicked. Since Wolverine kicked Cyclops's ass in Schism, he probably figures that it's Cable's turn and Spider-Man can just be the comic relief. If that doesn't make the final issue all the more appealing, then have someone kick you in the balls because that's the only other way the impact could be greater.

Jeph Loeb may be more inconsistent than Lady Gaga's wardrobe, but when he makes an awesome comic it's a sight to behold. Three of four issues are finished and so far I've found no reason to go on another rant about comics that are more style than substance. At times I wonder if maybe I've smoked too much weed or ingested too many hallucinogens. Then I remember 12-stepping is for pussies and read the comic again to remind myself that this is real. This is Jeph Loeb at his best, telling a story that not only fits in nicely as a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but throws in a little drama to counter the adrenaline before it blows up your heart.

Now I admit I was a bit cautious about this issue because I suspected that Loeb would start following too much of a formula. The battle against Captain America and Iron Man weren't too varied aside from the tools they used. It could have gone the same way against Red Hulk, but by bringing Blaquesmith into the mix as well as Cyclops and Hope it adds an extra element of drama that the first two issues were missing. Some elements of it do feel a bit contrived like how Blaquesmith ran off to find Cyclops and Hope and only arrived in time to stop Red Hulk. The same goes for the techno-organic virus. He's had this thing for so long and only now he figures out how to slow it down? It seems off, but not by much.

X-Sanction is quickly becoming a very worthy prelude to Avengers vs. X-men. Cable's battle has been pretty intense so far, but in this issue it took a dramatic twist while filling in some blanks with the first two issues. I'm somewhat at a loss for how well Loeb has been handling this. I'm also at a loss for the implications this issue and this overall series will have on Avengers vs. X-men. X-Sanction #3 gets another 5 out of 5. And if the final issue ends as well as this one, then I'm that much more confident that Avengers vs. X-men will put me in an awesome induced coma. Nuff said!

CBR X-POSITION: X-Editors - My Questions Asked and (Mostly) Answered

I've always suspected that the big wigs at Marvel get way too many kicks out of the power they have over legions of fanboys like myself. At some point I'm sure they stop and think "Gee, I can legally profit off the awesome of these characters and mold them in my own vision. Damn, that's cool!" There are times when they use that power responsibly. There are times when they abuse it with the ferocity of hungry lion in a pack of wounded zebras. But lately, they've been doing a lot of shit right so for that I raise my glass and drink to their contributions. Keeping in mind, of course, that I drink to damn near anything.

Whenever the editors (you know, the ones with the REAL authority at Marvel), come out from their secret underground base built that's probably nestled somewhere in the Alps it's a big deal. Especially when a huge event like Avengers vs. X-men is on the horizon. Pretty much everyone at Marvel won't shut up about it and why would they? They're pitting the Avengers against the X-men while the freakin' Phoenix Force is on it's way to cook them like a pound of bacon in an Epic Mealtime video. It's led to all sorts of speculation and what not. So for this week's X-POSITION column, the X-Editors took time to further tempt us X-men fans into parting with our money and part of our souls.

CBR X-POSITION: X-men Editors

As any responsible drunk, I took some time between hangovers and binges to write a few questions for the find folk putting together this epic event. Not all of them were asked, but the fine folk at CBR were nice enough to ask the important ones. This is what they said.

MarvelMaster616 is next, and he begins our descent into the world of queries surrounding "Avengers vs. X-Men."


1) I've really been enjoying Jeph Loeb's work on "Avengers: X-Sanction." Can you talk about how the events of this story will fit into what happens in "Avengers vs. X-Men" and the books preceding it?


2) It's already been established that the Phoenix Force will be a big part of "Avengers vs. X-Men." However, there's been no mention whatsoever of Jean Grey. If I recall, Jean Grey supposedly merged fully with the Phoenix Force during the events of "Phoenix -- Endsong," yet she's been utterly divorced from the Phoenix Force as it has interacted with Hope, the Cuckoos, and Rachel Grey. When did the Phoenix Force become completely separate from Jean Grey?


3) In one of the covers to "Avengers vs. X-Men," Wolverine looks torn between fighting alongside the Avengers and the X-Men. What can we expect from him as the conflict unfolds?


Old chum, MarvelMaster616! Have you lost weight? You look terrific! Anyway, let's answer your queries!


1) "Avengers: X-Sanction" will have no effect on the books preceding AvX (as it's one of them and isn't finished yet), but it will have big effects on AvX itself. That will become way more clear when you've seen issues #3 and #4.


2) You are correct that there has been no mention of Jean Grey leading up to AvX. Read into that however you would like. Can't say much more than that, I'm afraid.


3) That's another question I can't say too much about without spoiling things. But the gravitational pull between the A and X will weigh heavily on Wolverine. You'll see this in AvX #1, "Wolverine and the X-Men" #9 and "New Avengers" #24.

I'm not sure if it's a good sign that the X-crew recognize my drunken ramblings or not. I'm also not even sure if Nick Lowe was just screwing with me. It may be a little of both since I doubt he reads this blog. But he's always been among the more eccentric members of the Marvel crew so I take some of his words with a grain of salt. But at least he made an effort.

The first question about X-Sanction was poorly worded on my part. I probably shouldn't have used the words 'preceeding.' I meant to ask whether X-Sanction would effect any other books besides Avengers vs. X-men. But whether he intended to or not, he may have already answered it in stating that it would affect the event itself. If I can take that at face value (and I'm never sure with Nick Lowe), that means that the outcome of X-Sanction probably won't be felt in other X-books until Avengers vs. X-men kicks in. So I got my answer there.

I didn't expect him to spoil the ongoing conflict between Wolverine's hatred of Cyclops, his membership to the Avengers, and which side he takes. But I always appreciate it when someone actually gives me issues to look forward to so that I at least know when I get my answer. It's better than Tom Brevoort just saying "wait and see" on his Formspring account. That shit just gets old after a while. So I appreciate that.

Where things get fuzzy though is with the Jean Grey question. And honestly, is that surprising? Everyone at Marvel has been allergic to Jean Grey lately. That's understandable when there isn't a rip-off character that looks just like her in Hope Summers running around and when the Phoenix Force isn't on it's way to broil the Earth. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Despite being dead for nearly a decade, Jean Grey still comes up in pretty much every major interview about the future of X-men. Yet Marvel is trying much harder than usual to avoid addressing her on every level. Some may see that as a sign that she's going to play a part in this event. I interpret more as an "if we ignore it long enough then maybe it'll go away." It doesn't work with cockroaches so I don't see why it would work with Jean Grey. This begs the question as to why Jean hasn't been mentioned. Forget for a moment that Hope Summers looks just like her, adopted her dress sense, and was raised by what is technically her biological son. When the fucking Phoenix Force is involved, Jean Grey is usually not far behind. Even in shitty stories like Phoenix Warsong, she's at least mentioned at times. None of that shit has happened with Avengers vs. X-men. This may or may not be Jean's triumphant and overdue return. Or it may be the event the finally separates her fully from the Phoenix Force and entrenches Hope as her replacement. I'm personally inclined to believe the latter given Marvel's utter revulsion to bring Jean back while bringing characters like Sabretooth back. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not getting my hopes up for Jean's return. There have just been too many false teases for it to have any real meaning.

I'm still excited about Avengers vs. X-men. I feel it's going to be the biggest event since the invention of whiskey. But if you're a Jean Grey fan and are banking on this to be her big comeback, I would caution you to tie your ass to a tree and hold on because when that rug gets pulled out from under you it'll be a hell of a fall. Other than that, this has all the necessary potential to be the biggest event in a decade. The onus is on Marvel to blow our minds and I've got the paper towels and windex ready. Nuff said!