Animation Abomination - Ultimate Spider-Man

A few months ago I did a post on the future of Marvel animation and based on my drunken assessment, I deemed the future awesome. Well much like the stock market, those futures crashed and burned harder than Vanilla Ice's rap career. In the time since the debut of Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes Season 2 and the debut of the Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon, shit has not only hit the fan. It's clogged the intake of a jumbo jet and spewed diarrhea all over every time zone in the Western Hemisphere.

I've avoided talking about it because it often leads me to go on benders that result in me waking up in another state naked with an empty bottle of whiskey shoved up my ass, but there's no use avoiding it now. Ultimate Spider-Man sucks dinosaur dick. It's the kind of show that even a mental patient off their meds would watch and say "What the fuck is this shit and why the fuck haven't the elves smashed the TV yet?" I won't go over all the ways as to why it sucks. Not because I don't have the energy but because so many people have already done the work for me. The fine folks at Comic Book Movie have already compiled some angry comments regarding how fucked this show is. But at the risk of just too much copying and pasting, I found a video from the fine folks at Bleeding Cool that offers a much more sober assessment than I could ever manage.



Is it harsh? I say fuck no. These are the people that Marvel actually wants to watch this shit and they're not satisfied. Now I flunked economics, but even I know that when your customers aren't happy that usually means you're doing something wrong. Apple fired Steve Jobs back in the 80s. Their company sucked for over a decade. And if it took Apple that long to figure out what they did wrong, what hope do we have for Ultimate Spider-Man?

The look on Peter Parker's face from seeing his own show is the same look a child gets when they walk in on their grandparents fucking.

I think most would have been okay with Ultimate Spider-Man being horrible. At least we still have Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heros, right? Right?! Well bend me over, shave my ass, and fry an egg on both my butt cheeks because Marvel has decided to cancel that shit. That's right. A show that scores a pretty impressive 8.2 on Metacritic is being canned in favor of the bastard love child of Family Guy and Spectacular Spider-Man. Instead, they prefer that the Avengers line up with the same 4th wall breaking, immature, plot-free bullshit that dominates the Ultimate Spider-Man universe. That shit may fly in Bizarro world, but in this cozy little place we call reality that's more fucked than Bankok whore on coupon day.

Naturally, fans aren't responding well to this news. In the past they really didn't have many options for venting their frustrations aside from writing strongly worded letters that Marvel or Disney probably used to roll joints with. Well this is the era of social media, motherfucker! That means fans have options and they know how to use them. So much so that the head of Marvel's TV division, Jeph Loeb, had to close his Facebook page because too many people were giving him the finger and then some. I imagine he already had his share of detractors after he flat out butchered the Ultimate universe, but when you fuck with cartoons then that's just going too far I guess.

Jeph Loeb. Will butcher your favorite comic characters and do it with a smile.

Yet in many ways, this is the ultimate act of cowardice. See no criticism. Hear no criticism. Accept no criticism. That appears to be Marvel's motto now. When the fans get upset, just ignore them and shrug your shoulders. I mean you can't please everybody, right? Well that's true, but that shit becomes a lousy excuse when you're getting the kind of crap that Ultimate Spider-Man is getting. Now I'm sure there were some assholes on that crossed lines that even I wouldn't cross on my worst benders. Comments about his son, who died tragically, are way over the line. But anyone who is in a position of power like Jeph Loeb has to understand that they are going to face asshole like that. They have a responsibility to go run and hide from criticism when the response isn't all hookers and cake. Great power and great responsibility...sound familiar? Those comments that cross the line can be flagged and deleted. But deleting the whole page is like fixing a TV with a few dead pixels with a sledge hammer. It causes more damage than necessary and generally sends the message to the fans that you don't give a shit about their sentiment. That may be okay when you're the only game in town, but when you have competition like DC's animation block with Green Lantern and Young Justice (two cartoons that are awesome by the way) then that's a problem.

It takes a special kind of arrogance to ignore fan outrage. It takes even more arrogance to pretty much toss it aside and continue this shit that really isn't jiving with the fans. Rumors that haven't been confirmed have already hinted that Marvel doesn't give a shit about the negative response from Ultimate Spider-Man. They're not only going to continue this shitty style of animation. They're going to use it in future cartoons like a new Avengers cartoon and a new Hulk cartoon. Albert Einstein himself said that the definition of insanity is doing the same shit again and again and expecting a different result. Marvel can justify all the shit they want, but they are NOT smarter than Einstein.

In the end, it all comes down to power and responsibility. Guys like me are just fans. We have zero power over how Marvel uses these characters we love so much. If we don't like it, we can't do anything aside from get drunk until Marvel does something different. Guys like Joe Quesada and Jeph Loeb have serious power over these characters. They have the licenses to do whatever the fuck they want with them. They can make Captain America a Nazi, they can make Spider-Man gay, and they can give Emma Frost a sex change. That is their right under the law. That right includes making a shitty cartoon that clearly isn't going over well with fans. But fans don't have the power to change this shit. Marvel has that power and like the shitty show says, with great power comes great responsibility. And as it stands, Marvel and everyone in their animation division is being pretty fucking irresponsible. That doesn't just make them assholes on a cosmic scale. That makes them hypocrites. We can deal with assholes. Hell, some of them get their own reality shows. But we can't deal with hypocrites. They are as close to real life super-villains as it gets and if Marvel doesn't understand this then they might as well send DC all their blow and hookers because it's game over. When the company that coined the phrase "With great power comes great responsibility" starts acting irresponsible, then shit has gone horribly wrong.

X-Sanction #4 - Making Way for Awesome

I know I usually start all my reviews with some witty anecdote that links the comic I'm about to review to some of my drunken philosophies on life or to some fucked up shit I did the last time I blacked out, depending on how high I am. Well my intoxication aside, I'd like to skip that shit this time because the book I'm about to review simply has no parallel with anything I've done on a weekend with a stolen credit card and a shoe box full of blow. It isn't just because this comic is the final issue of a four-part mini-series that has helped partially rebuild my respect for Jeph Loeb (sorry, but it just can't be whole again after the elephant shit he dumped on Ultimate). It's because this comic, X-Sanction, is the great calm before the storm. It's akin to foreplay before you fuck a really hot chick. That hot chick is Avengers vs. X-men and Marvel has been doing their darndest to give us a boner so hard that we could cut diamonds with it. Well X-Sanction has done a damn good job thus far. I haven't had to mix ground up bits of viagra in my blow for months, but it goes much deeper than boner jokes if you can believe that.

X-Sanction was billed as the return of Cable, who like so many other Marvel characters not named Gwen Stacy was shaking off his latest bout with death. The details at first were vague. We just knew he was back from the future and wanted to beat the shit out of the Avengers. That in and of itself is a pretty decent selling point for any comic, but fuck if it's not enough. Once Avengers vs. X-men was announced, X-Sanction took on a much greater importance that went beyond merely watching Cable kick ass as he's so prone to do in his spare time. It became a pre-cursor to Avengers vs. X-men, a means of giving both teams more reasons to beat each other up in case the threat of the Phoenix Force isn't enough. So far, Jeph Loeb has done a damn good job making both this series and the upcoming Avengers vs. X-men event all the brain-meltingly awesome. But he's still gotta finish or like the guy who cums prematurely in a porno, he leaves a mess and mortally wounds his manhood.

X-Sanction #4 begins just before X-Sanction #3 ended. At the end of X-Sanction #3, Cable was still battling Cyclops and Hope who were trying to calmly explain to him that fighting the Avengers was not a good idea. Before Cable could tell them to sufficiently fuck off, Wolverine and Spider-Man showed up. But where the fuck did they come from and where were they earlier? Making another deal with Mephisto to make people forget that the new Spider-Man movie is basically another origins movie? Nope, they were busy cleaning up that prison break that was hatched in issue one and promptly forgotten about. So Jeph Loeb didn't leave that plot threat dangling, for which I give him credit. Yeah, it happened off panel and it required Luke Cage, Iron Fist, and Thing to step in as reinforcements. But this comic is about Cable, not about the Avengers playing dog catcher.

Catch up to the present and Wolverine doesn't waste time welcoming Cable back from the dead with his claws. For him, it doesn't matter that he fought alongside the X-men and gave his life to save Hope. He kidnapped the Avengers, hooked them up to a ship wired to blow, and was prepared to kill them. Wolverine rarely needs many reasons to kill someone, but the shit Cable's pulled is more than sufficient. Some may piss and moan about how Wolverine was too aggressive. I say he's just aggressive enough by his standards. It's like he and Cable were ever best buddies anyways. Hell, he's the son of the guy who boned Jean Grey. That in and of itself is enough reason to hate him.

But the battle is more than just Wolverine and Cable slugging it out, which admittedly is pretty damn awesome in it's own right. Hope and Cyclops's arrival in the last issue threw Cable off his game worse than Tiger Woods trying to play golf at a tournament run by all the porn stars he boned. He never got a chance to explain that the future he came from was nuked like a hot-pocket. So when the fighting starts, Hope and Cyclops are reluctant to aid either side. Hope tries to fire some warning shots at Spider-Man, who is basically just serving as a comic relief. His humor is off-beat, but he's getting shot at by a teenage girl. Given the disrespect he made to redheads everywhere when he sold his marriage to the devil, I think Hope is sending him a message that all the comic relief in the world doesn't make him any less a douche.

The battle progresses quickly and effectively by Jeph Loeb standards. Cyclops is wounded by Hope's shooting. Spider-Man is knocked off the ship by Cyclops, also delivering a blow on behalf of redheaded women everywhere. However, Wolverine is still clawing at Cable, who at this point looks like the Terminator's prison bitch after the techno-organic virus finally got the best of him. The ship is also wired to blow. Oh yeah, did I forget to remind you? Sorry, weed will do that. Cable revealed that he wired the ship to blow in issue 1 in case some bullshit like this happened and he couldn't take down the Avengers in time. Well that plan is more fucked than the couch cushion of a 38-year-old porn addict. So in an effort to make the situation slightly less volatile, Blaquesmith (who was never too keen on Cable's plan to begin with) instructs Hope to take the bomb apart. It seems like a lot to ask for a teenage girl, but then again Cable raised her. He probably told her about defusing bombs before he told her about tampons.

Hope successfully defuses the bomb, but this has the unexpected effect of freeing Falcon from his stasis. Having been knocked out or beat up since issue one, it's about damn time he get involved in the action if for no other reason than to keep Al Sharpton from complaining. He along with the injured Cyclops free Captain America and Iron Man while Red Hulk pisses himself off enough to burn away the techno-organic virus that Cable infected him with. At the same time, Cable is getting weaker while Wolverine is still venting his anger over the last two Terminator movies on Cable. The man is clearly in no condition to fight and his elaborate plan has been shot to shit. He still maintains that he's not the bad guy and he's doing this for a reason. The remarkable thing is he doesn't come off as having lost his fucking mind, which could have easily happened here. Thankfully, Loeb was able to resist the temptation far better than I was when I stumbled in drunk to a massage parlor in Thailand.

The fight quickly becomes lopsided. The Avengers subdue Cable in a few panels of action with minimum effort. With his body more ravaged than Mike Tyson's face, he eventually subdues. Even if it was lopsided, Cable still showed some heart and given all the flashbacks and drama that show his journey over the past few issues it's hard not to feel bad for the guy. Usually, when someone is beat up by the Avengers it just makes you giddy like a baby at a topless bar. This isn't quite like that and Jeph Loeb does a good job of not only fleshing out the struggle, but showing Cable's inner thoughts as he struggles and ultimately fails.

When all is said and done, Cable is still alive but not in a very lively way to say the least. He's ravaged by the techno-organic virus and his ass has been spoon fed to him. So in another emotional moment, Cyclops and Hope commit to taking him back to Utopia. The Avengers agree, but under one condition. They get to keep all the fancy goodies Cable brought with him from the future. That's a pretty fucked up condition seeing as how these same goodies may only empower them if they end up proving Cable right in their endeavor to fuck up the world. But without much argument or even animosity for his wayward son's actions, Cyclops agrees. That's pretty much how they part ways. Hope and Cyclops get Cable. The Avengers get everything else. Fair trade? Fuck, only if you're Bill Belichek.

This scene presents a serious problem, the first in a series that has otherwise been problem free. Since the announcement of Avengers vs. X-men, this series has been billed as the prelude. For the most part, it has delivered. However, this scene seems to do nothing to add any tension between the X-men or the Avengers. That or it's just so damn subtle that even ten hits of acid couldn't heighten your senses enough to see it. These two teams are going to be fighting each other and this issue was poised to give them plenty of reasons. However, those reasons were unrealized and they somewhat diminish the impact of what could have been a very powerful scene.

Flaw or no flaw, Loeb does plenty to make up for it in the next scene. With Cable back on Utopia, Hope and Blaquesmith (who has basically been jerking off in the corner while everyone else fights it out) stand over Cable in a special infirmary chamber. He's still out of it and not coming out anytime soon because of the techno-organic virus. For Hope, that shit just isn't going to work. So in an act similar to many she's made in other recent comics (see Generation Hope and Uncanny X-men), she taps the power of a certain cosmic parrot to rid him of the virus. That's right, we get yet another Phoenix Force flare up from someone not named Jean Grey. It's a beautiful display and one that only further reinforces the notion that Hope is going to be to the Phoenix Force what Pamela Anderson is to silicone. Their fates are inseparably entwined.

Cable is okay and no longer looking like he was jerked off on by the Terminator. But rather than enjoy this moment with his adopted daughter, he telepathically reaches out to Cyclops (which he couldn't do earlier because of the techno-organic virus) to show him the shitty future he came from. This way he can explain to his father what he was doing and why he was doing it. Since Cyclops actually watched Hope manifest the Phoenix, he sees first hand the kind of shit they're dealing with. As someone who has been royally fucked by the Phoenix Force in ways I can't make enough dick or sodomy jokes about, he has more incentive than anyone to do something about it. So in the end Cable succeeds in his mission on some levels. However, the onus is now on Cyclops to protect Hope and if shit goes as Cable says and the Avengers decide to fuck their shit up, Cyclops will make sure he's on the front line.

The impact of this series and the implications are pretty fucking awesome. Cable is back. He didn't die again, which is somewhat surprising because so much of this series seemed to indicate that he was returning just for a quick reunion with Hope before biting it again. Instead, he underwent a major transformation. The techno-organic virus that has been part of his character since Regan was president is now gone. While he didn't exactly succeed in his mission, he did convey a very important message to Cyclops. He showed him what will happen if Hope doesn't play her role as messiah or if someone like the Avengers come along and fuck it up. This shows just what's at steak for the X-men during the Avengers vs. X-men conflict. Yeah, we all kind of knew it's a big deal when the Phoenix Force comes to take a shit on your world, but the X-men didn't know that. They're just finding out and if the Avengers oppose them, they know they can't afford to be friendly.

There's a lot of potential here. Cable is back. Hope has her father back. She's also using the Phoenix more liberally than Snooki at a tanning beds. Loeb has effectively succeeded in bringing Cable back into Marvel comics and doing it in a way that makes him different than he was before. However, if part of his goal was to draw some of the battle lines for Avengers vs. X-men, he wasn't so successful. There was a chance to add a little more tension between the X-men and the Avengers so that they would be more comfortable beating each other up. That chance wasn't realized. Cyclops saved the Avengers, who in turn neutralized Cable and took all the tech on his ship in the process. Aside from Wolverine being a douche, not much else was made of it. Maybe some tension was implied, but Loeb's poor sense of subtlety made it feel like an underwhelming resolution at least in that context.

Now I loved this issue. I loved this series. Jeph Loeb has officially done something awesome again. I thought I would never live to see the day. Granted, I never think I'm going to see next weekend at times so I guess that's not saying much. But it's still an accomplishment. X-Sanction is a damn good series. The action is as solid as you would expect in a Jeph Loeb comic. There's heart and drama with the flashbacks and Cable's reflections on his daughter. There's connection between the events in this series and what's to come with Avengers vs. X-men. The only shortcoming is that those connections were underwhelming in some areas. It wasn't too egregious. If I was going to score X-Sanction #4 on an overly precise level, I would give it a 4.75 out of 5. But I think that brings up too many nightmares of 8th grade math. So I give this comic a 4.5 out of 5. It had all the right elements, but the ending just didn't go far enough in terms of playing up the tension between the Avengers and the X-men. Since this was billed as a prelude, I can't ignore that shortcoming and give it a perfect score. But if that shit doesn't bother you and you just like seeing Cable beat up the avengers and Hope doing yet another Jean Grey impression, you'll love everything about this book.

So that's it, Marvel. You've got your prelude shit done. Now bring on X-men vs. Avengers! Hurry like Rick James on a crack binge! On behalf of all Marvel fans and functioning drunks, we're ready! Nuff said.

WonderCon 2012: Rants and Remarks

The internet has given us so many wonderful things. Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, and internet porn have revolutionized the world of information, communication, entertainment, and masturbation for every possible generation. Among the less glamorous benefits that don't require a constant supply of lube is liveblogging. It used to be that whenever there was an event you couldn't attend, like a comic convention, you either had to wait until reports came out days later or take a few hits of acid so you can at least fantasize you were there (minus the pink elephants of course). Liveblogging has been a great way to keep up with comic cons that I'm either too busy or two drunk to attend. This past weekend, Wondercon hit the fine state of California. It is without a doubt the third most attractive event behind pot dispensaries and Disneyland.

The timing for Wondercon comes at a vital time for Marvel. In a mere two weeks, Avengers vs. X-men kicks off in what Marvel promises to be the biggest event since the invention of chicken wings and Monday Night Football. They been releasing so many teasers lately that it almost fits the Geneva Conventions definition of torture. But as someone who has already been tortured by ex-girlfriends, law enforcement, and angry Twilight fans I'm more than willing to endure. We already know the basis of Avengers vs. X-men. The Phoenix is on it's way to take a massive, flaming shit on the world and Hope Summers is the key to either stopping it or egging it on. The Avengers and the X-men must then battle over her fate and hope they don't fuck each other up too much before their world gets burnt to a cinder like Charlie Sheen's TV career.

Both Newsarama and Marvel's official website ran a liveblog of a panel for Avengers vs. X-men. The information presented was fairly basic and added only slightly onto what we already knew. For one, Jeph Loeb stated that the end of X-Sanction (the final issue of which is coming out later this week), will lead directly into Avengers vs. X-men #0. Also, Marvel Editor Tom Brevoort made it a point to dispel any rumor that Marvel was going to follow DC's lead and reboot their line.

Tom Brevoort: There's no reboot coming. There's not going to be a reset. The Marvel Universe isn't broken.

I imagine Brevoort was pounding his fist on the table when he said this and I think it's a point worth reinforcing. The reboot has been working fine for DC, but they did it because like a guy at a strip club after his wife leaves him they fucking had to. Marvel didn't. In fact, Avengers vs. X-men makes that a pretty lousy theme because according to Brevoort, the seeds of this story were sewn way back in 2006 with House of M when Wanda Maximoff decided to pull a mini-Flashpoint of sorts and de-power nearly every mutant on the planet. So what if it takes six years to bring the story full circle? Like a lap dance from Megan Fox, some shit just shouldn't be rushed.

And in accord with pretty much every major comic book convention where Marvel has a presence, someone did ask a Jean Grey question. Since I did one of my Sunday rants on her and I'm still working under the assumption that Marvel will look for ANY excuse not to bring Jean Grey back even though she's the one most associated with the Phoenix Force, I'm compelled to bring it up. At the Newsarama liveblog, a fan asked if Jean Grey was going to be involved. Mark Waid (writer of the upcoming Infinite Comics) told the fan to check out the second issue of Infinite Comics. I'm not sure what to make of that. It may be code for "We're going to completely ignore the shit set up in the past and recton the hell out of Jean Grey and the Phoenix so we have even more excuses never to bring her back." Until I hear otherwise, I'm working under that assumption.

That brings up another important announcement from Wondercon. Earlier this month, Marvel announced a new digital initiative called Infinite Comics that will start with Avengers vs. X-men. It's basically Marvel's way of adding some extra elements to their digital comics aside from just running them through a scanner and charging the same fucking price for them, even though digital pirates have been doing that shit since Bush's first term in office. It's part of what they call Marvel ReEvolution. And I say it's a good thing in my drunken opinion. Considering the fact that Marvel only recently began offering day-and-date digital for all their titles and DC only started seven months ago, it's usually the case that comic companies have been glacial at embracing digital means. I get the sense that they think digital shit is just an excuse for fans to get drunk and rant about comics online. Well, they're partially right, but let's face it. Paper is going the way of the typewriter. This is the era of Ipads, Kindles, and Nooks. Not everybody wants to go out of their way to pay four bucks for 20 pages of ink that may only collect dust in their book cases. We are a very superficial species in that we like shit that's pretty and flashy. Something like Marvel Infinite Comics could be just what the unliscended doctor from Cambodia ordered!

While Avengers vs. X-men was the big draw for Marvel, it did have some other important announcements. For one, Captain Marvel is returning. However, it's not in the way fans were thinking. You see, Captain Marvel isn't technically coming back from the dead. Carol Danvers, aka Miss Marvel, is taking that mantle. That's right, a pretty blonde is taking on a title once held by a man. So all those feminazis who whine about women in comics constantly have to throw the penis-bearing population of the world a bone here. Because Miss Marvel not only looks more badass in her new uniform. She looks like something little girls can dress up as and not come off as porn stars.

Another major announcement involved the return of a fan-favorite X-men series, Xtreme X-men. While the title itself implies that it's the over-exposed energy drink of the X-books, it was actually a damn good series back in the day and by back in the day I mean 2001 to 2004. It was another brilliant run by Chris Claremont, who simply is never satisfied being the most prolific X-men writer of all time. However, Chris Claremont isn't coming out of retirement again a la Brett Favre to write this series again. This time, it's Greg Pak who is running the show. And unlike the original Xtreme X-men series, this one will follow the alternate universe characters that Pak set up in his lone Astonishing X-men arc that I found myself giving a favorable review. That means the alternate universe Emma Frost, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler will be back! It also will bring Dazzler back into a more prominent role with the X-books, which is somewhat fitting since she's been pretty much an afterthought since X-men Regenesis. Pak is calling this series a successor to the Exile series of sorts, which is not a bad thing. That series made itself awesome by traversing many different alternate worlds in a way that didn't fuck up the regular continuity too much. Since Pak has shown that he can do a damn good job on an X-men book, hopefully Xtreme X-men will keep him on board for more than one arc.

There were a shit ton of other announcements at Wondercon 2012, but I'm not sober enough to go over every one of them. However, after getting sufficiently wasted and following the liveblogs, I think it's safe to call this event a success. It's like the calm before the storm or that anticipation you get when you slip a hooker a hundred bucks and she agrees to come up to your hotel room for a drink. For Marvel and X-men fans like me everywhere, Wondercon 2012 is Marvel's last major gathering before they charge head first into Avengers vs. X-men. If you're not ready, then have fun falling on your ass because the rest of us are charging ahead! See you next year, Wondercon! Now we're off to see the X-men and Avengers beat the shit out of each other! Nuff said.

X-Sanction #3 - Fate Catching Up With Awesome

What do you say about a guy who picks a fight with a group of other guys who are bigger, stronger, healthier, better looking, and more equipped than him? The first thing that comes to mind is "What the fuck did that guy drink and where can I get some?" The second is "Oh, Jeph Loeb released another issue of X-Sanction and I don't have my weed. Fuck me with the carcass of a wiener dog." No one will ever mistake a Jeph Loeb comics for a comic equivalent to Shakespeare. The man doesn't make his mark with snappy dialog. He does it with stories that are hard-hitting, destructive, and emotional. When it's done wrong, it makes you envy the blind and the brain-dead. When he does this right, his comics are like Jenna Jameson porn to all your senses. X-Sanction has been an example of the latter and the timing couldn't be better.

Marvel has gone to great lengths to soak the panties of every Marvel fan in the world with their upcoming Avengers vs. X-men event. The stage is set for the most epic of dick-measuring contests. But before either side unzips their pants, the stage has to be set. And who better to do that than Cable? He's the kind of guy who doesn't need to be drunk to take on another bunch of guys that are bigger, stronger, and less infected with the techno-organic virus. He only needs to knowledge that the Avengers do something to Hope that makes her unable to save the world from the Phoenix Force.

That's all the excuse he needs to travel back from the future, lure the Avengers into a trap, and lock them in one of Magneto's old containment chairs that look like something an evil Stephen Hawkings would use. He spent the first two issues taking down Captain America and Iron Man. He had a good plan against them and was able to beat them, despite taking more licks than anyone infected with a techno-organic virus should allow. That plan didn't exactly extend to Red Hulk. This is where even a dedicated adopted father has his limits and it doesn't help that he now looks like a terminator reject.

But X-Sanction #3 shows that while Cable has a knack for screwing himself over, he's not without a Plan B. In the first issue of X-Sanction, it was revealed that Cable survived Second Coming and was sent into the future. It's a future that sucked ass, but he was able to meet up with his old buddy Blaquesmith. He was the one that told him he needed to hunt down the Avengers. He was the one that told him they fucked with his daughter in a non-R. Kelly sort of way. Knowing a guy his age with a techno-organic virus had his work cut out for him, it turns out Blaquesmith came back with him and arrives just in time to stab Red Hulk a new one before he puts a giant bullet in Cable's head. Now where was he before when Iron Man was kicking his ass? Presumably, he's taking a moment to enjoy the golden age of internet porn. But still, his entry is a bit convenient but there's a reason for that and it isn't apparent now so just enjoy the sight of Red Hulk getting stabbed.

It's still an unfair fight. Blaquesmith and Cable are essentially like pitting Betty White and Clay Akins against Mike Tyson. They're only tactic is to stay in one piece long enough to come up with a plan. But this overmatched battle isn't enough for Loeb if you can believe that. The last two issues have left some burning questions, namely how the fuck did Cable put together a scheme like this to take on the Avengers? Well he finally answers that with another flashback, continuing a similar theme set in previous issues. In these flashbacks we find out that Blaquesmith was the one that supplied Cable with those fancy containment chairs. He even supplied him with that fancy Iron Man suit that he used to take down Iron man in the previous issue. It even answers a more fundemental question. How the fuck did he get back to the past anyways? Simple. Blaquesmith had Dr. Doom's time machine.

To some, it sounds overly convenient. However, in this instance it actually adds some coherence to the story. Blaquesmith is a known time traveler and not known for his ballsy confrontations. So even if he had this gear, he wouldn't have the scrotal strength to take on the Avengers. But when Cable showed up, he now has both the manpower and the ballsiness to take on this mission. In other comics written by Jeph Loeb, these kinds of details often get overlooked. This time, they fit more nicely than a thong on Megan Fox's ass.

But clearing up details of the past is only a minor part to the plot. The meat of the conflict is the hulking red monster currently looking to beat the shit out of Cable and his time traveling, ass clenchingly ugly friend. All Blaquesmith can do is run around and try not to get shot. That doesn't last too long, but before Red Hulk can put a giant bullet in that deformed skull he calls a head Cable manages a psychic attack on his mind. This is quite a feat given that the past two issues have made it painfully clear that he's very sick. The techno-organic virus has limited his body and his powers. So a psychic attack is no easy feat, but it does give him the time he needs to gather himself, get his gun, and use Red Hulk for target practice.

That tactic lasts about as long as a chicken fried steak on John Goodman's dinner plate. After shaking off the bullets as only the Hulk can, Red Hulk comes storming back at Cable with a fucking anchor. To hell with a shield or a suit of iron. All Red Hulk needs is an anchor and Cable is in deep shit. It's painfully clear here that Red Hulk is a Jeph Loeb creation because he looks pretty badass here, much more so than Iron Man or Captain America did in previous issues. He lays it on Cable like PETA at a slaughterhouse. It gets to a point where it's pretty lopsided. Between the techno-organic virus and not having a containment chair big enough to hold Red Hulk, I imagine his asshole is getting mighty worried.

Red Hulk has him in a death grip with the anchor, forcing Cable to rely on some dumb luck. Well he gets it in a way that's more fucked up than it is dumb. Remember the techno-organic virus? You know, the thing that's been plaguing him his whole life and forced Cyclops to send him into the future back when Oliver North was being indicted for Iran Contra? Well he finally puts that shit to use and makes some deadly spikes from it. These spikes go into Red Hulk like a pin-cushion and unlike Cable, he hasn't had a lifetime with which to resist it. In the process he finds out that he can limit the damage done by the techno-organic virus by giving it to someone else. This is a little more fucked up because you would think that with all this time he would have figured that shit out. But he didn't. It may seem like an overly forced twist, but it succeeds in shutting up the Red Hulk. So in that sense it's the kind of fucked up dumb luck that works.

This could have been just the break Cable needed. He could have been back on track to start busting heads with more Avengers. But then there's a dramatic change with an emphasis on drama. I mentioned earlier that Blaquesmith was MIA for the first two books. Where could he have been? Well he wasn't just jerking off to the sound of people getting their ass kicked. He was off getting Cyclops and Hope, the only two people who could talk some sense into him. They arrive just in time to see him pointing a gun at Red Hulk's head. Needless to say, it makes for a very powerful moment.

Even if you didn't read Second Coming (the shame of a thousand glow sticks up the ass if you haven't), this moment has impact. Ever since the beginning of the series, Cable has made it clear that everything he's doing is for Hope. He sees the future and in it the Avengers made it so she and the rest of the world were scorched from the Earth. Now here she is right in front of him and while she's happy to see him, she's not too happy to find out that he's beating the shit out of the Avengers. Scott, his father mind you, isn't that thrilled either and Cable has never been one to act rationally when it comes to family matters. Just ask his son Tyler. Oh wait, he's dead. Never mind!

The drama here escalates. Cyclops is prepared to free the Avengers and stop his son. Cable isn't having it. They go back and forth, recalling what it means to be a parent and sacrifice for a child. Cyclops did that for Cable back when he was a baby and he makes it clear how much that stuck with him. Cable makes it clear that he's willing to make just as big a sacrifice for Hope. In a series that's been mostly Cable beating the shit out of the Avengers (which is pretty awesome in it's own right), this kind of drama really adds another element to the story. It's a major change from the last two issues, but in a decidedly awesome way.

The tension escalates as Cyclops makes it clear that he's not going to let Cable continue. Cable goes so far to point a gun at his own father, forcing Hope to stand between them before this becomes fucked up on a Jerry Springer type level. But before Springer can get to his Final Thought, the rest of the Avengers catch up with them. That includes Spider-Man and Wolverine. Yes, the same Wolverine that came to hate Cyclops's guts after Schism. And since they don't know what's going on, they see the Avengers all roughed up and that's enough to convince them that someone needs to get their ass kicked. Since Wolverine kicked Cyclops's ass in Schism, he probably figures that it's Cable's turn and Spider-Man can just be the comic relief. If that doesn't make the final issue all the more appealing, then have someone kick you in the balls because that's the only other way the impact could be greater.

Jeph Loeb may be more inconsistent than Lady Gaga's wardrobe, but when he makes an awesome comic it's a sight to behold. Three of four issues are finished and so far I've found no reason to go on another rant about comics that are more style than substance. At times I wonder if maybe I've smoked too much weed or ingested too many hallucinogens. Then I remember 12-stepping is for pussies and read the comic again to remind myself that this is real. This is Jeph Loeb at his best, telling a story that not only fits in nicely as a prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, but throws in a little drama to counter the adrenaline before it blows up your heart.

Now I admit I was a bit cautious about this issue because I suspected that Loeb would start following too much of a formula. The battle against Captain America and Iron Man weren't too varied aside from the tools they used. It could have gone the same way against Red Hulk, but by bringing Blaquesmith into the mix as well as Cyclops and Hope it adds an extra element of drama that the first two issues were missing. Some elements of it do feel a bit contrived like how Blaquesmith ran off to find Cyclops and Hope and only arrived in time to stop Red Hulk. The same goes for the techno-organic virus. He's had this thing for so long and only now he figures out how to slow it down? It seems off, but not by much.

X-Sanction is quickly becoming a very worthy prelude to Avengers vs. X-men. Cable's battle has been pretty intense so far, but in this issue it took a dramatic twist while filling in some blanks with the first two issues. I'm somewhat at a loss for how well Loeb has been handling this. I'm also at a loss for the implications this issue and this overall series will have on Avengers vs. X-men. X-Sanction #3 gets another 5 out of 5. And if the final issue ends as well as this one, then I'm that much more confident that Avengers vs. X-men will put me in an awesome induced coma. Nuff said!

X-Sanction #2 - The Hardware of Awesome

I don't hide the fact that I have a long list of bad habits. I like to think they're no worse than any professional drunk that has doused his brain in every exotic substance on the periodic table. But ignore for the more manageable habits like taking a shit in your sock drawer while drunk or wrapping your dick in aluminum foil and using it as a radio antenna when you're stoned. There are far more distressing habits that make you question the order of the universe and whether or not God was just drunk when he created everything and needed the seventh day to sleep off the hangover. One such habit is praising Jeph Loeb comics.

Drunk or not, I'm well aware that some writers come with a certain level of baggage. If Jeph Loeb was an airport, he'd need a fleet of jumbo jets flying non-stop for a year to haul the kind of baggage he carries into every book he writes. He's one of those comic writers that people love, hate, or love to hate. I admit I've been in all three categories. His amazing work with titles like Batman/Superman and supremely shitty craftsmanship with titles like Ultimate leaves me more conflicted than Chaz Bono at a public restroom. That's why when Avengers: X-Sanction #1 came out, I was actually glad to go into relapse so to speak. The first issue of this very important mini was Jeph Loeb at his finest, which is a lot like me at my most drunk but with fewer damaged telephone poles.

X-Sanction #1 began to tell the story of Cable's return from the future. It was not a very upbeat story to say the least. Cable found out that after sacrificing his life to save Hope, it all amounted to jack shit. He ended up in the future where the world was more desolate than Jon Huntsman's poll numbers. And it's all because the Avengers had to go and fuck with Hope, ensuring that she wasn't there to save the world. For Cable, you might as well have called his mother a psychotic bitch that made a deal with goblins. Even though you're right, you're going to get your ass kicked.

So Cable spent most of X-Sanction luring Captain America to a tanker ship and beating the living shit out of him until he could restrain him. He succeeded because even the guy that used to drink the blood of Nazis for breakfast can't measure up to a pissed off Cable trying to save his adopted daughter. But Captain America wasn't the only target. He needs to take on all the Avengers. X-Sanction #2 continues this mission. While Cap was off getting his ass kicked, the other Avengers were back in New York dealing with a prison break that Cable may or may not have had a hand in. Iron Man notices that Captain America isn't answering his calls. Then when he sees Falcon's pet, Red Wing, flying without his Falcon, he knows something's up and follows it. That's bound to be his biggest mistake of the day. I mean besides not wearing a condom with the last underwear model he banged.

Iron Man makes the same mistake as Captain America. He blindly walks right into an obvious trap. And this is Cable we're talking about. Mercy isn't really in his database. This would be all well and good...if it hadn't happened exactly like this in the previous issue. My short-term memory may be shot because of so much weed, but it's not THAT bad. I refuse to believe that Jeph Loeb's weed is more potent than mine. It's dangerously close to being repetitive. Thankfully, Loeb does offer an explanation of sorts. Cable, who narrates much of the comic, reveals that he didn't put a bullet in Captain America's head at the end of the last issue. Cable's short-term memory is definitely better than that. He knocked him out instead. Not just to use as bait, but because he wants to know specifically what these assholes do that hurts Hope. There's even a flashback of Cable's time raising Hope that show just how motivated he is. You fuck with his kid and he's willing to beat the shit out Earth's mightiest heroes. Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend's dad.

So how's he going to take down Iron Man? Well he already came back from the future equipped with enough hardware to contain Falcon and Captain America. Why can't he also have enough hardware to take on Iron Man? That's easier said than done of course. But since Cable's from the future, one can expect that the natural progression of technology means that everything people have right now becomes paperweights within ten years. Iron Man shows up sporting his latest suit. Cable reveals that he has the latest suit he made in the future. How did he get this? How did he even set that up? Not really clear. Loeb usually doesn't get into that kind of detail. But it looks awesome so it's hard to give a shit.

The battle that ensues is every bit as epic as the fist-fight Cable had with Captain America in the first issue. Except this time the fight doesn't involve fists. It involves energy blasts, rocket boots, and a fight that ends up underwater. Again, it's similar in style to the Captain America fight in the last issue. But it involve more shit that explodes and that's always a plus. Now the battle isn't just completely mindless action with each character throwing off one-liners. I'm sure Loeb is saving that for the Spider-Man fight.

Through this battle, Cable continues to narrate and while this may seem obtrusive for some, it actually does something important. In the last issue Cable's motivation's weren't entirely clear. In fact, he came off as a bit of a dick. Then again, he is trying to kill the Avengers. But as he muses over Hope, his dickishness becomes more understandable. And it helps that Tony Stark is a dick too. The reader should probably just imagine they're a beautiful woman that Tony Stark screwed over.

But no matter how determined or motivated he is, Iron Man is still smart (you know, in addition to being a dick). Since Cable is using Iron Man-like tech it makes sense that Iron Man himself would be able to crack it. While they're battling underwater, Iron Man reminds Cable that even if he's using Stark tech that he hasn't invented yet then he still has a way to shut it down. It's basically a dick move that he builds into all his gear. It's kind of like Apple products, but you can't jailbreak it without it blowing up on you. But Cable can be a bit of a dick as well. While Iron Man is pulling his drowning ass out of the water, he puts that techno-organic mesh he calls a brain to good use and hits Iron Man's system with a special little bit of email called the Askani virus. It's basically like giving your credit card info to North Korean gangsters. It's gonna screw you over.

Cable has Iron Man defeated. That means he now has two Avengers captured and he's prepared to rip into them like my old gym teacher ripped into fat kids. So he sets Stark in another containment chair just like he did with Captain America. This is another instance where he probably could have become a major dick, but some extra flashbacks help justify it as best a manner as torture can be justified. To this point there have been various flashbacks that show Cable raising Hope in the shitty future he's stuck in. He parallels it with the difficult decision his own parents faced when he was sent into the future. It doesn't really justify torturing the Avengers. It just shows that he's really overprotective of Hope.

And therein lies the problem with these flashbacks. While it's nice to see Cable mixing the future with the present in his mission, these don't work as well as the flashbacks in the last issue. In the last issue, the flashbacks actually fit into the plot that was unfolding. All these flashbacks to is offer some loose reminders as to why Cable wants to save Hope. We get it. He's a pissed off adopted father. It gets to the point where the flashbacks come off as filler. There may be some shitty parenting techniques in between, but not much more than that.

Cable is about to begin Dick Cheny's version of lawful interrogation. But once again, this issue parallels the last issue in that it ends with someone pointing a big as gun at someone else. In this instance the big ass gun belongs to Red Hulk and he actually shoots in a way that's not meant to stun. Cable takes a nasty shot and unlike Iron Man or Captain America, Red Hulk isn't opposed to impromptu target practice. Seeing as how Red Hulk is Jeph Loeb creation, it's understandable that he would give him a badass pose.

This would be a badass way to end the issue, but that simply isn't enough for Loeb. With more flashbacks adding to his motivation, Cable understands that he's not going to outsmart someone that's not afraid to shoot him in the head with a non-stun gun. Keep in mind he's also been shot once already and his body is already turning to shit faster than the Indianapolis Colts's Superbowl hopes did this past year. The extra shot allowed the techno organic virus to finally take over. So how Cable's plan to save Hope and stop the Avengers turning to shit, but now he looks like a pre-love child, pre-governator Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's either bad news for him, bad news for Red Hulk, or both. Either way, it's awesome for us readers!

And so this bad habit of mine gets worse and like some of my other habits, I love it! Jeph Loeb continues to offer painful reminders that he still has talent and he can still tell an awesome story. Now this issue had pretty much the same format as the last issue. Cable goes through the trouble of luring an Avenger to his domain and then he spends the issue beating the shit out of them. Along the way, we get some flashbacks of him and Hope. It worked in the first issue and it worked just as well here. However, the flashbacks with Hope didn't seem to relate as well to what was going on with Cable and Iron Man. I get that they were meant to convey the message that Cable wants to save Hope and he's kind of fucked up with the techno-organic virus, but that meaning is not very clear and comes off as needless filler at times.

It's still a complete comic. Some may not like the fact that it follows the formula of the first issue almost to the letter. But it's not completely identical, although it does end with someone holding a big ass gun to someone else's head. This isn't done because Loeb is low on ideas (although some may suspect as such). He makes it clear early on that Cable isn't out to just whack everyone in the Avengers in the tradition of Tony Soprano. He kind of wants to know what the hell they wanted with Hope and how their actions led to the world getting broiled. Even for an old guy dying of a techno-organic virus, he can't help but be a little curious. So there is a reason behind his actions, although you get the sense that they kind of went to hell at the end when Red Hulk (another Jeph Loeb creation) showed up at the end just in time to see the techno-organic overtake him. That makes for another cliff-hanger style ending that will give Loeb plenty of excuses to blow more shit up in the pages of the next issue.

I still can't get over all the great things I said about Jeph Loeb and this series with my first review. All those things apply to this review as well. X-Sanction #2 is just as well written and enjoyable as the first issue. However, the repetitive formula and the poor use of flashbacks keep this issue from being as flawless as it's predecessor. Make no mistake. This is a comic you definitely want to read if you're interested in important shit that's going on in the Marvel universe. This thing sets the stage for Avengers vs. X-men and after two issues, my dick is already rock hard and ready for this event! With that disturbing image I give X-Sanction #2 a 4 out of 5. Cable is in several different dimensions of fucked up. It's the kind of story in which Jeph Loeb is at his finest and if that's not enough for you, then you're just being a dick. Nuff said!

X-Sanction #1 - A Time for New Awesome

A Marvel comic book penned by Jeph Loeb is like going to a whore house blindfolded and randomly picking someone to fuck. Sometimes you'll get a supermodel style babe with an ass so nice you could paint the Mona Lisa on it. Sometimes you'll get butt-ugly transvestite with a botched boob job, a botched face-lift, and breath that stinks of gasoline and herpes. Loeb is one of those writers who is great at telling certain stories and cock-smashingly awful at others. When he's in his element like with Hulk, he's one of Marvel's top talents. When he's allowed to do too much like with Ultimate, he ruins everything he touches. So it is with a certain mix of excitement and trepidation that I give his X-Sanction mini a chance.

Some are too young or too stoned to remember that Jeph Loeb once wrote Cable. This was back before he teamed up with Deadpool and was neutered by becoming Hope Jean rip-off Summers's adopted father. He was basically a lone soldier who occasionally kicked ass for the X-men or just for the hell of it. It was a different kind of Cable that most readers today probably don't identify with, but damn it if Loeb's take on him didn't work. Now he has a chance to make Cable awesome again and the premise is as volatile as it is fucked up.

The last time we saw Cable he "died." I say "died" with quotations because in the Marvel universe death is no worse than a bad case of the runs. You may be incapacitated for a while, having to lock yourself in the bathroom and declare the surrounding area a toxic waste dump, but you eventually come up with only a slightly burned asshole. But Cable didn't exactly die from a shotgun blast to the head or anything. He was caught in a time portal between the future and the present. He disappeared with Hope crying like the whiny bitch she would eventually become. There was no body to bury. And as everyone knows, if there's no body the guy isn't dead. He's just MIA. Now with the recent announcement of Avengers vs. X-men where Hope Summers is destined to be a big part of it, Cable can't let a little something like death stop him. He still has to protect her. That's where X-Sanction comes in and that's the story Jeph Loeb has to tell.

X-Sanction doesn't begin with Cable. It begins with his targets, the Avengers. All the heavy hitters are present including Spider-Man, Wolverine, Iron Man, Red Hulk, Falcon, and Captain America. It's your typical Thursday night for the Avengers. Some underpaid prison transport fell asleep on the job and let a couple of superpowered villains loose. I know people say a lot of bad things about the American prison system. We lock stoners up with murderers, but you would think that even in a world of fiction they would have the good sense to be careful with superpowered criminals. Guess the economy is just that bad. That or effective transport wasn't in the budget. Still want to cut government spending Tea Party people?

The battle is nothing spectacular and why should it be? These are the Avengers against escaped prisoners like Tornado. They have about as much chance at toppling the Avengers as the St. Louis Rams have of beating the Green Bay Packers with their scout team. But this little skirmish is just a backdrop. It's a little glossed over, but for good reason. After Captain America lays out Tornado in typical Cap fashion, Falcon goes missing. In horror movies, when the token black character goes missing it usually means trouble and a firmly worded letter from Al Sharpton. In this case, Captain America leaves his Avenger buddies behind to go after his pal. This is the last you see of the other Avengers. Again, it's glossed over to a point, but it's the first fucking issue. You can't expect every molecule to be given a life story.

The revelation isn't too startling unless someone had enough brain damage to not look at the cover of the book before reading it. If in fact someone has that much brain damage, I probably shouldn't be making jokes about it because shit starts to get serious here. Cable is back. He's alive, he's pissed off, and he just took out an Avenger and dragged him through a sewer with the full knowledge that his super-powered buddies would come after him. But he's not doing it just for kicks. He soldier. He has a mission. And it's made clear in a very powerful image that the last thing he saw before he "died" was Hope. It's a nice way of connecting this story to the events of X-men Second Coming. It shows that while some loose ends are easier to forget than others, others haven't been forgotten.

Now this is an important moment for anyone who has been following the events of X-men since Second Coming. It's also important to those who criticize Jeph Loeb for essentially rejecting continuity and forcibly imposing his own, ignoring how many are pissed off as a result. In this he actually connects Cable's mission to what happened at the end of that event way back in the dark days of 2010. He could have ignored those details and pulled any number of things out of his ass, but he didn't. He saw what that story did with Cable and he ran with it. For that, he deserves more due credit than most will ever give him.

Captain America, still ignoring the rest of his Avenger buddies while they take care of the prison break, tracks Falcon down to an anchored cargo ship. It's the city equivalent of an old house built on Indian burial grounds, satanic rituals, and abortion clinics. Loeb doesn't waste too much time with finer details, as is his style. He just gets Cap into the same room as Cable as quickly as possible and that's not a bad thing by any stretch. It just means they have more pages with which to kick ass. Not only that, Cable has Falcon suspended in a bio tank rigged with C4. So if Cap tries to rescue his buddy, he blows them all to hell. That means the only way he's saving his friend is if he goes through Cable. It's only slightly more daunting than being Snooki's gynecologist.

What follows next isn't too deep, but it's not glossed over either. When you put two hardened soldiers in a confined area and give them reasons to be pissed at one another, it damn well ought to be a kick ass fight! And that's exactly what Loeb does here with help from artist Ed McGuinness. You've got two soldiers from two different eras that have to beat the shit out of each other in order to fulfill their mission. And it's painfully clear early on that Cable is not 100 percent. Remember, he still has the techno-organic virus eating his ass alive. The worse Captain America ever had to worry about was a bad case of the clap in World War II. He can barely fire his gun competently so Cap has the early advantage.

But that advantage doesn't last. Cable has dealt with the techno-organic virus before and after several glorious pages of hero on hero action that could make an awesome porno if two hot women were involved, Cable gets the upper hand. He actually uses Captain America's own shield against him, both to protect himself and to keep Cap on his toes. It works because Cable is more willing to fight dirty. He'll throw in a few low blows and maybe even bite a few ears Mike Tyson style if that's what the mission requires. He's able to knock Cap out, showing that while Captain America may be all red, white, and blue he's still as vulnerable to a blow to the head as anyone else.

Now Cable had the edge because he was much more determined and had way more to lose. And it wasn't just because of the techno-organic virus that's killing him either. Why is he so determined? Well that's another detail that Jeph Loeb didn't gloss over. During the battle we get a few flashbacks (or flashforwards since time is so fucked up in the Marvel universe) that show what happened to Cable after the end of Second Coming. Apparently, he didn't die. He was just transported to a future. There, he met up with mysterious man with a racially charged name, Blaquesmith. Now before Al Sharpton gets involved, Blaquesmith gives Cable some very bad news. His mission to protect Hope didn't exactly stop the future from going to hell. In fact, it made everything worse. This is where Jeph Loeb makes yet another connection. In a recent giant sized issue called Point One, Marvel revealed that the Phoenix Force was on a rampage again. It was able to essentially purge an entire world and look awesome doing it. Well in the future Cable travels to, that happens to Earth. And the reason it happens is because Hope wasn't there to stop it. Why? Well apparently the Avengers are the main reason. They took her so she couldn't be the messiah she needed to be. For Cable, that's all the reason he needs to end their shit. And you know what? It's a damn good reason.

I'll take a moment to compliment Jeph Loeb again. I know it's becoming an ugly habit, but he deserves such praise with this for all the right reasons. Not only did he make a connection to the past with this scene. He also set the stage for the future. X-Sanction was announced before Avengers vs. X-men. Not much was revealed about the plot and now we know why. This story in one issue shows what's at stake. With both Point One and Second Coming, the threat of the Phoenix is beating into the reader's head like a Catholic nun to a kid who hides Playboys in his desk. It's a message worth reinforcing because the Phoenix Force is one of Marvel's threats that's near the top of the not-to-be-fucked-with list.

Back in the present, Captain America in a very special chair that old school Uncanny X-men fans may recognize. It's not enough to just kill Captain America when he's unconscious. Keep in mind, Cable has to have bait for the rest of the Avengers. Cable makes it clear to Cap that he didn't just wake up one morning and think it would be fun to kill the Avengers. He's doing it because they're going to royally fuck up the future for what they do to Hope. As an adopted father and a guy who is mighty sick of dystopian futures, he just can't let that shit slide and the issue ends with an ominous hint of just how serious Cable is. It's implied that he shot Captain America in the head, but there's no blood splattered visual so it may be a different shot. What does it mean? Well unfortunately we'll have to wait until 2012 to see. Is it so wrong to want Christmas to be over already?

And so this most basic of stories ends with the most basic of noises, that noise being a gunshot. It's not clear if the shot is from Cable's gun or someone else who thinks it's not cool to shoot Captain freakin' America in the head. But that's the beauty of it. That final scene is all you need to want to see the next issue. It's not like an episode of Lost where you want to see the next episode just to make sense of the convoluted plot from the past six. You want to see it because you want to see what happens next. It's simple. It's clean. The retard who eats paste in 1st grade can understand it just as much as the Korean valedictorian that spent all of high school functioning on two hours of sleep. Nothing is blown up. Nothing is overly destroyed. It's just a simple plot of Cable having the balls to take on the Avengers and having a damn good reason to do so.

Now I'll go on record as saying that I had no faith in Jeph Loeb after his Ultimate work. I was prepared to blow a federal judge or twenty to get a restraining order that would prevent him from ever writing another Marvel comic again. Luckily, it never came to that. I may be a drunk, but I'm not an unreasonable drunk. I'm willing to give a writer a chance if the story and the premise are good. Jeph Loeb walked into a major story here. This is the prelude to Avengers vs. X-men, Marvel's equivalent of a heavyweight title fight that Don King would have injected crack into his eye socket in order to promote. And Loeb pulls it off and does a damn good job of it. So with both relief and elation, I praise him for making this first issue awesome. The dialog may be flat and the finer details may be overlooked at times. But in the end it's a worthy first issue and that's really the best you can hope for with a story like this.

Jeph Loeb still has an uphill battle ahead of him. His propensity for cheesy dialog have brought down promising stories before. So has his inability to deal with the little things in a story. After Captain America and Cable clashed, the rest of the characters were pretty much forgotten. Some scenes were glossed overs while others were overly drawn out, but it wasn't terribly egregious. It's the first damn issue. I'm willing to give Loeb the benefit of the doubt for once because he's been so good at making Cable a likable badass. So with more than just a sliver of hope, I give X-Sanction #1 a 4.5 out of 5. Loeb has everything he needs to make this series awesome and he has three issues to show he can do it. And for once, I don't need six bottles of tequila to be optimistic. Nuff said!

Ultimate X #4 - Bullshit Has A New BFF

Strap on your rubber boots because we're about to take a swim through an ocean of bullshit mixed with elephant jizz. That's right. I'm about to review an Ultimate book. I know what some of you may be thinking. I've gone on record as stating that I hate the Ultimate books with the fire of a trillion supernovas. It's gotten to the point where I wish I never got into these comics in the first place. If I could go back in time, I would strangle my younger self while telling him to put his life savings into Apple and Netflix stock to prevent myself from ever giving half a damn about these books in the first place. I wasted 10 years of my life that I'll never get back on this shit. Ultimatum ruined it and Ultimate X is the skanky cousin who got gang-banged by a bunch of meth-head hobos that was spawned from it. The writing has been terrible, the story has been shit, and most insulting of all the characters that were maimed in Ultimatum are now being replaced by pathetic replacements.

If that weren't enough, this fucking series was delayed more than Guns n' Roses's last album. The last issue came out in June 2010. Well it's March 2011 and only NOW issue four is coming out. This is because artist Art Adams sees fit to draw as slowly as possible for quality that's no better than a ten-year-old tracing the boobs on a Victoria's Secret model. Seriously, the man's art is praised as if it was drawn with the entrails of Jesus and menstrual blood from the Virgin Mary. The only thing worth praising here is how anybody has the patience to wait for this guy when in the time that this series has been delayed books like Uncanny X-Force, Generation Jean Rip-off, and X-23 have all released more than four issues and done a much better job of it. Oh, and they fucking sold better as well! Uncanny X-Force was the #1 selling book when it came out. Ultimate X doesn't even outsell the later issues of Ultimate X-men. Yet they still won't call this shit a failure? What the fuck are they smoking at Marvel and where can I get some?

So again, why am I reviewing this? It's a slow week for comics and I had a string of very bad days. I need some time to vent. Plus, everyone is lining up to praise this piece of shit just because it finally came out and Art Adams is drawing it. That's like praising George W. Bush for only fucking up two countries instead of three. There should be an opposing viewpoint for those who are still fuming at how Ultimatum destroyed what was once such a wonderful series. It means I actually have to read this book and resist the urge to rip my eyes out and throw them in the nearest bonfire, but that's how much I care about this blog and those that read it. So here goes nothing and if you have a weak stomach, please for the love of Galactus, Zeus, Odin and everything holy go to the closest German fetish porn site. That will be far less disturbing than the crap I'm about to review.

Ultimate X #4 is based on Liz Allen, who used to be a mainstay in Ultimate Spider-Man. Then before Ultimatum ruined everything, she found out that she was a mutant (the Ultimate version of Firestar to be precise) and that Blob was her father. How a girl can be as thin as her and related to Blob defies even the lousy physics that comics puts forth, but she's had her share of issues. After Ultimatum she basically disappeared and this comic tells her story and tells it in a way that sucks the scrotum right off a rhino. It turns out Ultimatum didn't hurt her a damn bit. She moved to fucking Orange County with her mother and started living life all the pompous douche-bags on the Jersey Shore. Not only that, she found out she has a brother. Apparently Liz Allen's mother couldn't keep her legs closed and let Blob knock her up a second time. And the kid she shat out of her twat takes after her father a lot more in that he's a fat stereotype slob.

There are these annoying red text boxes all over the pages. They're supposed to be Liz Allen's mother narrating, but it might as well be Jeph Loeb himself trying to explain his shitty rationalization for making garbage like this. Mini-Blob's name is Theodore Allen and he gets himself into trouble with the principal (who looks like the Grinch fucked Wolverine). For some reason, throwing a fucking cheeseburger is all it takes to get suspended for a week. I've been to high school and I know for a fact that's bullshit. Throwing food may get you detention, but a week-long suspension? What was on that burger, C4?

If that weren't bad enough, the narration from Liz Allen's mother is progressively more disturbing. She actually describes how she got drunk and snorkled Blob's chud. She described it like an Earthquake. In a series that already has full blown incest with the Maximoff twins, this is enough to make you want to surgically remove your stomach. What good is it to describe how a cute girl fucked a fat ugly slob? There's fetish porn for shit like that and at least those have the decency to not depict fucking Earthquakes!

Back at Liz's house, she talks with her mom about what a massive douche Teddy is. Even if she's right, her mother slaps her across the face because it's her late slob baby daddy who has been providing for them. That or she has to justify the massive damage done to her snatch for her. For a girl that actually lives a decent life and is a mutant, you would think she would have some sympathy for her own flesh and blood. She's an even bigger douche in this than Teddy and he's the Blob replacement in this series that is full of bullshit replacements.

We then catch up with the rest of the bullshit replacements that Ultimate X has squeezed out through it's proverbial poop tube. Jimmy Hudson (Wolverine rip-off) and Derek Morgan (the bastard son of Daredevil and Batman, two comics Jeph Loeb used to write coincidentally) are staying in a motel with Karen Grant (who is Jean Grey after Art Adams turned her into an emo bitch who looks fucking 14 when she's actually 20). The two rip-offs just piss and moan about not knowing what they're doing. All Karen does is say they're being stupid and careless while reminding them that the X-men are dead. Really? They still haven't gotten that message across? Then what the fuck is the point of a scene like this? To just show how royally fucked they are? Great writing! I've seen better filler in a bacon cheeseburger that the cook spat on.

So forget that useless scene and go back to the school. The next day Teddy's friend, Evan, who looks like a stereotypical mock-up of every school shooter in history mixed with Toad from X-men Evolution brings a gun to school. Then for reasons that aren't even that clear he starts shooting. No I'm not exaggerating. It's really not fucking clear in the slightest. Everybody was making fun of Teddy. Nobody said shit to this Evan kid. Yet he feels inclined to bring a gun to school? Where the fuck was his story? That seems like a pretty important part to overlook, a kid messed up enough to shoot up his school. It feels like yet more Ultimatum style shock value. Well after seeing shit like Blob eating Wasp, the shock card is pretty much played out. If Loeb or the editors can't get that, then they're beyond help.

Just as with Columbine and Virginia Tech, the shooting becomes a media frenzy. And what are the kids at the school doing? Are they running for their lives and taking cover like the survivors of previous shootings are? No! They're standing around Evan taking fucking pictures with their phones! Seriously, THAT'S what Loeb thinks people are inclined to do! So let me get this straight...these kids just stick around long enough for the news crews to arrive? And all they can do besides shit themselves is take fucking pictures with their phone?! Anyone who has seen a shooting of any kind will be able to call bullshit.

So Evan is basically feeling all hot and famous now. As if sociopaths are just cheerful as Charlie Sheen at the Playboy Mansion. Teddy, resisting his father's cannibalistic urges, tries to coax his friend into getting off the crazy train. In a perfectly reasonable response, Evan shoots his friend. Well given this is a replacement Blob we're dealing with here, the shot does jack shit. Blob ripoff says it tickles. Yeah, Loeb's dialog isn't going to give Shakespeare a run for his many anytime soon.

Well shit hits the fan because apparently mutants are more terrifying than gun-toting teenage psychopaths. NOW those dumb-ass kids who were snapping pictures with their phones start running. Really? A fat kid who can take a bullet is more terrifying than a gun? Are there even enough WTF's on the entire internet to rationalize that shit?

So in another completely random shift, Liz Allen decides to defend the brother she stated earlier that she couldn't stand to be around. She activates her power to come to his aid. Again, where the fuck is this coming from? She knows her brother isn't going to get hurt. He's a fucking Blob ripoff now! So why come to his rescue? He doesn't fucking need it! Seriously, what is she gaining from a stunt like this? It amounts to absolute dick.

Then there's an explosion. No, that's not a porno metaphor. That's what happens. Somehow Liz's fire conjuring creates an explosion. I shit you not. It's like Loeb is pathologically intent on making shit explode. There's no explanation as to how this happened. Liz touches the gun in one panel and in the next, there's an explosion. Since when does a fucking handgun have the ability to explode like that? And since when does Liz's fire powers involve making shit explode? How much of this is just being pulled out of the asses of the people making this garbage? In a series where Ultimatum was allowed to happen, this is par for the course yet still just as sickening.

In another bullshit fuck-up of reality, the rest of the non X-men show up. Again, how the fuck did they get there so quickly when they have no X-jet and admitted earlier to taking greyhound buses all over the country? It's like someone issued a memo to the Ultimate writers and said any effort at filling in plot holes will result in anal rape by a 12-inch dildo. Moreover, their pitch sucks. Aside from Jean ripping off a line from Terminator (again, Loeb's dialog is about artistic as a puddle of vomit) they offer Liz basically nothing. There's no X-men. There's no safe haven. Yet somehow they can keep them safe? What the fuck kind of an offer is that and why would anyone take it seriously?!

For once, the bad guys actually make a better pitch. Pietro shows up, who by the way looks like a ferret fucked a gypsy. He basically just offers a better life. No details. No specifics. Nothing. He just says he knows Teddy's father and that's about it. He argues with Jean for a moment, but again there's nothing of substance. They don't say anything about what they're doing or why the fuck they're doing it. They just say they're gathering mutants. That's it. It's not a mystery as much as it is pissing into the wind. Ultimatum rendered all mutants assholes and there's nothing they can do to change it. So why the fuck would they bother?

In the end Liz goes with the non X-men and Blob ripoff goes with Pietro. That's right, the son of the greatest mass murderer of all time is more trustworthy than a sibling that just stood up for your fat ass. Then he has the titanic sized balls to say his gun-toting friend was kind of right? What the fuck kind of logic is this kid using and what the fuck kind of storytelling leads to an outcome like this? It's the same bullshit that made Ultimatum such a horrible piece of garbage that shouldn't be held near an open flame. So Liz goes one way and we get another replacement character joining the other side. In a book that's already full of replacements, what kind of bullshit justifies a shit storm like Ultimatum when all that happens in return is a bunch of replacement characters? That remains the biggest problem with this book. Whereas Generation Jean ripoff only has one replacement character, this whole fucking series is built around them. Unless you don't mind shoving your face in hypocritical bullshit, this book should disgust you more than Japanese fetish porn.

There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this book. The dialog is shit and in some cases plagiarized. The art is horrible. Everybody in this book looks like they have fucking Marfan's Syndrome. I don't know what Art Adams did during the delays, but his character depictions in this book are so lousy you could have paid an autistic homeless guy in watered down vodka and he would have drawn better shit than this. It's not enough that this book is uglier than Courtney Love's pussy, but the story and characters in it are so completely fucked that it would take a nuclear powered microscope to find any trace of depth. Shit just happens. People talk and react as illogically as you can conceive. That's the basic summery of this collection of mule shit.

Jeph Loeb and Art Adams are a great team on Hulk, but in this book they might as well be nitro and glycerine. There is absolutely nothing appealing here. Unless you're brain damaged or high off your tits on a mix of DMT and Peyote, this book is dangerous to be around. It shouldn't be held around an open flame and it shouldn't be placed within 15 light years of another Ultimate comic. If anyone ever cared about Ultimate before Ultimatum, this book will act like sulfuric acid being injected into your urethra. Seriously, Marvel let Jeph Loeb butchered Ultimate X-men for this shit?! Just so we can get a bunch of shitty replacement characters and poorly conceived plots that hold together about as well as the former Soviet Union? Are you fucking kidding me?!

There isn't a score low enough to give this book. I can only give it a 0 out of 5. I'd give it negative numbers if I could, but I'd rather not completely fuck up my rating system for the sake of describing just how bad this book is. If all the shitty stories surrounding Ultimatum didn't bother you, then this shit won't bother you either. It won't blow you away. It'll make you envy the the deaf, the blind, and the comatose. I never thought I would be so disgusted by an Ultimate book. There was a time when Ultimate was my favorite series. There were rarely any books I even thought were just so-so. Then Ultimatum came along and fucked it up so bad that I want to burn every Ultimate book I ever bought and demand that someone at Marvel conceive of a way for me to get that last 10 years of my fucking life back. I would surrender a kidney and a left lung to completely forget about the Ultimate universe and Marvel comics in general. Even that would be less painful than seeing shit like this on the racks next to books that are actually worth reading.

I still follow Ultimate because I have a sub-atomic bit of hope that at some point, Marvel will decide that horribly maiming the characters that Disney paid so much to get the rights to wasn't a good idea. Ultimate is not beyond saving, but books like Ultimate X make it require an act of God, a deal with Mephisto, a gesture from Galactus, and a war with Odin to become acceptable again. If you or a loved one values your health and passion for all things decent, you'll keep them away from Ultimate X and Ultimate comics in general. This comic is so fucked that even Keith Richards won't snort it. Fuck Ultimate! Fuck Ultimate X! Fuck Ultimatum! Nuff said.