Xtreme X-men #12 - Universe-Crumbling Awesome

Every so often you find yourself in a situation where a long list of shitty circumstances converge right on your asshole and make you wish you were dead, gay, or comatose. We've all had bad days, but there are bad days when you get stuck in traffic on your way to work and the kinds of days where an ex-girlfriend, an IRS agent, and a New York City judge kick in your door at six in the morning while hung over. Comic book characters have these days all the time. Hell, they're probably akin to our typical Monday. But some just have a special kind of suck that makes you wonder whether they have a good therapist or an even better pot dealer.

Dazzler just began having one of those days at the end of Xtreme X-men #11. Up to that point, things had been going pretty damn well for her. She proved herself a capable leader of her team, she took down what she believed to be the final evil Charles Xavier, and she got to hook up with a black Cyclops. So she got to kill a Nazi and piss off the KKK in the same day. Hell, that's as good as they come for a pretty blond these days. But just when it seemed like this journey was over for her, the Xavier-in-a-Jar that had been guiding her through this mission from the beginning decided to say, "Fuck it! You're all screwed!" It made for a somewhat random and incoherent ending. However, it set the stage for the final stage of Greg Pak's Xtreme X-men. It's bittersweet in that a series that turned Dazzler from just another pretty blond into a kick-ass team leader is nearing its end, but to even get to the end she's gotta have one last shitty day.

This shitty day begins in Xtreme X-men #12 with the team's arrival at another exotic location. This time they end up in an Ancient Egyptian setting. But it's not the Disney's Aladdin type setting. This shit involves slaves and back-breaking labor, basically the kind of shit that Walt Disney didn't want to show kids until they were able to become underpaid interns. Now right off the bad we're not told how they got to this point. We know Xavier-in-a-Jar linked up with Nazi Xavier and Wizard Xavier in the last issue, but we don't know why they ended up in Egypt. I'm guessing the only way they felt their egos could be sufficiently supported is with pyramids and big ass statues. It's not the first time we haven't been told how Dazzler's team showed up in a new world, but since they're already in the midst of a pretend-to-be-captured-as-slaves plan to get them close to the evil Xaviers it kind of feels jarring.

However, the plot quickly settles as we find out that the evil Xavier's are already making their mark by having slaves carve their bald heads into monuments. I assume they're planning on statues depicting their undersized dicks too, but right now the priority is their ego and tapping into a rift in the space-time continuum. I'm assuming the statues of their dicks are a close third, but that rift is poised to be their way of giving the finger to the multi-verse. As evil Xaviers, they're never content to just have an army of slaves and monuments to their dicks. They need to fuck over multiple universes. All I can say to that is their dicks must be smaller than I thought.

After watching the evil Xavier's throw some slaves into the rift and compliment one another on how big their dicks are, Dazzler and her teams maintain their cover. They allow the Xaviers to keep jerking each other off while they formulate a plan. Later that night, Dazzler muses on how she fucked up by assuming they had killed 10 evil Xaviers when they only killed 9. While she may fail math and be subjected to any number of dumb blond jokes, she is committed to making it right and her team is committed to standing by her. It shows that she really has won over this group of dimensionally displaced X-men and not because she has a great rack either.

The novelty should have worn off by now, but I can't help but take note of it every time I see it. Dazzler really has come a long way as a character since this series started. She's gone from that other cute blond not named Emma Frost to a capable leader that can fight an army of evil Charles Xaviers and still make you want to smell her panties. She's no Lara Croft or Black Widow. She's her own leader and if given the choice between following her or Cyclops, I would definitely follow her and not just because Emma Frost might castrate me for staring at her rack too much. Dazzler really has become something special and I hope that continues after the end of this series.

The next morning, the team puts Dazzler's plan into motion. It's pretty basic, boiling down to causing a slave riot and pissing off the evil Xaviers as much as possible. It really doesn't take much convincing to inspire all the slaves to rise up against their bald, baby-dick oppressors. And in the process of causing such a commotion, they give Dazzler plenty of noise to work with. Given the growth in her leadership skills, it's easy to forget that she has some pretty potent powers as well in turning noise to energy. In the desert, there are not boom boxes with Pandora radio. So they have to create their noise and it works almost as well as dubstep.

Armed with all this noise, Dazzler attacks the evil Xaviers near their Sphinx statue where the rift in the universe is growing. Evil Wizard Xavier and Nazi Xavier are unimpressed and are still probably looking forward to how big the statue of their dicks are going to be. But during the attack, Dazzler also manages to get Xavier-in-a-Jar away from them. This then allows Hercules to do to these two evil Xaviers what every gay man in the world wishes they could do to the Westboro Baptist Church and bury them under a pile of rubble.

It's not the most epic battle, especially considering how much it took to take these two evil Xavier's down in the previous issues. You could say that Dazzler has just become so proficient at hunting down evil Xaviers that it's like being adopted by Angelina Jolie at this point. It just isn't all that shocking. But in terms of epic scale, this battle is somewhat lacking even if it is still satisfying to see Hercules bury the evil Xaviers.

Even if the battle isn't all that epic, it certainly doesn't end the threat of the evil Xaviers. Xavier-in-a-Jar informs Dazzler that they had already tapped a good chunk of that power from the rift and they're as unstoppable as the IRS at Wesley Snipe's front door. In order to keep the battle semi-fair, Dazzler and black Cyclops try to use their powers to close the rift. I don't know the physics of how that shit works, but given this is a series that involves hopping across universes with a floating head I'm pretty sure I can keep using my old high school physics textbook to roll joints.

But the two evil Xaviers aren't keen on letting someone fuck up their power source. Not when they're this close to finally getting a statue proclaiming how big their dicks are. After digging themselves out of the pile of rubble Hercules buried them under, they blast Dazzler and black Cyclops away from the rift and prepare to absorb more power. They seem poised to improve their evil wizard and Nazi abilities to cosmic proportions. But like using the pages of your physics books to roll joints, physics ends up screwing them over when they're tested on it.

For reasons that would probably still get any physics student a failing grade, the rift in the continuum decides it doesn't like evil wizards or Nazis and incinerates them. It's a rather inglorious way for these assholes to go, but since there have already been a couple comics that shows these two failing in epic fashion it's not too disappointing to see them fall in such an unglamorous way. And with two more evil Xaviers dead, that means this shit is finally over, right? Well if you read the last issue, you know what that sort of attitude will get you. And unlike last issue, Dazzler doesn't even get a chance to hook up with a black man.

For more reasons that aren't explained, the rift gets pissed off and starts sucking in everything like a Kardashian back stage at the NBA All-Star game. It sucks in all the slaves and innocent people that Dazzler and her team were trying to liberate. They try in vain to save them, but Xavier-in-a-Jar has to be a dick again and just teleports them to another part of the dimensional rift. It leaves them trapped while all those innocent people are poised to suffer at the hands of whatever power was trying to get through. We don't find out what it is. We only find out that it ties into the X-Terminators event. It's not a twist like the end of the previous issue, but it sets the stage for a big event and that's just as awesome!

Remember what I said about Dazzler having to have one last shitty day? Well, I should have added one little caveat. Shitty days often come in bunches so even if you're the last leg of a mission, you can't expect any shit storm to end in just one day. It's like the heavens get constipated and have to dump their load at some point. You just gotta be ready for it and after reading this issue, I get the sense that Dazzler and her team weren't ready in the slightest. That's not necessarily a bad thing because it ended up putting them in a position to play a major role in X-Terminator. It also helped finish what they only thought they finished in the previous issue. They killed more evil Xaviers, but it would be too easy for them to just go back and have Dazzler swap more spit with black Cyclops.

Xtreme X-men #12 was solid in that it continued the theme of taking Dazzler's team to exotic locations. Maybe being slaves in Ancient Egypt isn't the most exotic place they could have gone, especially considering how they visited the old West and encountered a My Little Pony Charles Xavier at one point. But it seemed fitting when you consider a Nazi and an evil wizard are involved. Hell, it might end up being the plot of the next Indiana Jones movie if Spielberg and George Lucas directed it while on crack. However, the action was still somewhat lacking and the epic feeling that we've seen with plenty of other Xtreme X-men battles just wasn't there. It was like only watching the third quarter of a football game. The most exciting possibilities were somewhat lost in between.

With Xtreme X-men ending and Greg Pak moving on to write Batman/Superman for DC Comics, I understand that the next few issues will be as precious as Natalie Portman's breast milk. It hasn't been an easy journey for Dazzler, going from just another big-boobed blond in a comic book to being a big-boob blond that can kick ass and lead an army of slaves against an evil wizard and a Nazi. Greg Pak has flexed that twisted imagination of his throughout this journey of hers and on behalf of everyone who has ever taken a hallucinogen, I thank him for it. But this issue still left me wanting more. I know it's going to be resolved during X-Terminators, but at the same time I weep at the realization I may not read another X-men comic where a hot blond kills a Nazi for a long time. I give Xtreme X-men #12 a 3 out of 5. I guess with a name like Xtreme, this series can only go out as part of a crossover event. It doesn't involve a Nazi, but it does involve more alternate universe mischief and a version of Jean Grey that hasn't been laid in a while. In that sense, I have high hopes for the end of Xtreme X-men and the future of the X-books! Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #11 - Counting Down Awesome

It’s no secret that comics and sci-fi regularly abuse the immutable laws of physics, biology, and common sense to tell a good story. It’s no secret that fanfiction writers will abuse those laws even further to tell even more elaborate stories, many of them ending up in homoerotic smut fics. Some stories are more guilty of this abuse than others and unlike the Vatican, they don’t have the luxury of hiding behind holy or diplomatic immunity. It is possible to be a total douche and nitpick these inconsistencies. I’ve been guilty of that in the past. But for a series like Xtreme X-men, I’m willing to take a few extra shots of whiskey and enjoy the twisted tales that ooze from Greg Pak’s imagination.

Let’s not kid ourselves. A series that has Dazzler as team leader, a gay Wolverine, and a black Cyclops in a story that involves traversing alternate universes with an Xavier-in-a-Jar is going to abuse a lot of logic. Hell, it’s the kind of abuse that would make Spock’s head explode. But that doesn’t matter because Greg Pak has found a way to make it incredibly awesome. He doesn’t just rely on the sheer ridiculousness of the series to be the appeal. He actually does maintain a common story that involves hunting down evil Charles Xaviers, being tested on a physical and emotional level, and even a little romance. And even though the story and the series is poised to end while Greg Pak jumps the Marvel ship to write Batman/Superman, it has been an awesome ride that can only be matched by riding a go-kart on an acid trip.

Keeping with the tradition of utterly obscene incarnations of these characters that usually aren’t found outside of fanfiction, Greg Pak took a page out of the Uncanny Avengers playbook and got Nazis involved in the previous issue. Dazzler and her team of X-men have faced some pretty fucked up Charles Xaviers in their quest, including an evil wizard Xavier and a My Little Pony Xavier. I could not make that shit up with all the weed in Amsterdam. But now they’re facing a Nazi Charles Xavier, who happens to be in a spat with a Japanese version of Namor. However, it isn’t as clear cut as your typical Call of Duty mission. Nazi Xavier claims to be the victim of Namor’s aggression and is trying to protect what is left of his people, which happen to reside near a sunken version of London. And as Uncanny Avengers #4 showed us, even Nazis can make valid points for being assholes.

Dazzler and her team are now stuck in between two very powerful forces that have absolutely no problems horribly maiming people and masturbating with their entrails. In Xtreme X-men #11, they end up having to rescue the innocent civilians that Nazi Xavier wasn’t lying about. I know, a Nazi telling the truth is a fucked up concept, but in Xtreme X-men you probably won’t bat an eye. On the same week when the Red Skull correctly points out all the disturbing ways America sucks, it’s pretty distressing to see Nazi’s telling the truth. They’re still assholes so Dazzler doesn’t stop attacking Nazi Xavier, leaving the safety of the civilians to her team. And you know you’ve become a strong leader when you’re willing to take on a Nazi single-handedly. But does anyone else see the irony that the characters that fight Nazi’s the most, Captain America and the unapologetically blond Dazzler, are basically the Aryans that Nazi’s love? Anyone? Or am I still drunk?

Irony aside, Nazi Xavier actually does something the Red Skull didn’t do and reminded readers of why Nazi’s suck in the first place. While Dazzler is attacking him, he gives her a brief synopsis of what happens to a world when Charles Xavier is a Nazi. This time you don’t find anything you can’t find in a Call of Duty game or a History Channel WWII documentary. A charismatic leader, who has the luxury of actually controlling minds, comes to power to save his country from corruption, invasion, and economic collapse. Basically, he’s the kind of guy the Tea Party would fucking love…except, you know, he’s a Nazi. And unlike the Red Skull, he was actually able to beat all his enemies, including Captain America. For a while, he succeeded where Hitler failed miserably. He claimed he was beloved by the free world, although he did mention that he purged his own party of people he thought were threats or just didn’t like. I’m sure it’s the kind of shit that right-wing Republicans only wish they could do so you can easily assume he was still an asshole dictator.

For a brief moment, everything is all peace, love, and Disney cartoons for everyone that isn’t a minority. Everybody had peace and order. Anything that threatened it was either dead or waiting to die in concentration camps. Then Atlantis thought this would be the perfect time to launch an attack and flood the world. Because when better to attack the surface than a time when Nazis are in charge and always looking for an excuse to blow shit up? Maybe they should have waited until hippies ruled the world. It was too late though. Xavier and his Nazi buddies blew the shit out of Atlantis in ways only asshole Nazis would. For some reason, Namor had a problem with that. And that, my friends, is why Namor wants to murder his ass. You don’t usually need an excuse to want to kill a Nazi, but it helps when you’ve got a pretty damn good one, as Namor certainly does.

Dazzler still offers no sympathy to Nazi Xavier. But she is forced to stop trying to kill him when Namor launches another attack that puts the civilians in mortal danger. For most people, saving lives and killing Nazis is a tough choice. But being the leader she’s become, Dazzler chooses to help these petrified civilians, even if they were likely brainwashed by Nazi propaganda for most of their lives. However, it doesn’t take long for them to have yet another reason to want to maim Nazi Xavier. Not surprisingly, he was pro-slavery and had a cell full of African slaves. It may have been more accurate to use Jews or gays, but I guess in this universe Nazis and the KKK have rubbed elbows (and other body parts) to favor a more racist approach. For any number of reasons, black Cyclops had a problem with this and now the race is on to see who channel their inner Captain America the fastest.

Unfortunately, Nazi hunting season is delayed by that pesky Japanese Namor who is still trying to sink the island and drown their asses. He could care less that he’s drowning innocent people as long as he kills himself a Nazi. Given what Nazi Xavier did to Atlantis, this is understandable even if it is a dick move. But Dazzler and her team aren’t in an understanding mood. So as the island is starting to crumble, they converge on Namor. Hercules adds the muscle that probably gives Wolverine a raging boner while Dazzler and Black Cyclops supply the firepower, which helps gives the readers a boner. So even if you’re not into the gay thing or voted for Rick Santorum, your dick and/or clit has no reason to not be happy.

Because of the threat posed by Namor, Dazzler and her team are essentially fighting a two-front battle. This helps add an additional element of complexity to the action, which could have easily been your typical heroes vs. Nazis gimmick. But by forcing Dazzler’s team to fight both foes instead of just one, it adds to the overall epicness of the story. It’s one thing to just fight a superpowered Nazi. It’s quite another to fight him while he’s fighting a pissed off Namor. It essentially rescinds anyone’s right to ever make a blond joke about Dazzler ever again.

But by beating Namor, they’ve effectively committed the ultimate sin in the eyes of America, short of marrying Michael Moore and becoming a spy for Iran. They helped a Nazi. While beating Namor did help keep the island from falling apart, it allowed Nazi Xavier to move in for the kill. He’s not just content with Dazzler’s team beating Namor up. He wants to kill his Japanese ass. He begins to do just that with the help of his telepathy once he’s down. Then Dazzler once again gives the finger to blond stereotypes by using her powers to guard her mind, a power which she hadn’t demonstrated before, and killing Nazi Xavier by stabbing him right in the back. I imagine there are few ways more satisfying to kill a Nazi without choking them with Hitler’s colon.

While helping him may have been necessary for their survival, the mission was still to kill another evil Xavier and Dazzler once again proved to be the antithesis of Paris Hilton by getting the job done. Hell, even Nazi Xavier is impressed, saying she would have been a great asset to an Aryan breeding program. I guess coming from a Nazi, that’s the highest compliment a woman can receive.

While Xavier is dead, Namor is still pretty roughed up. And he clearly hasn’t forgotten that it was Dazzler’s team that roughed him up. But Dazzler takes a careful and diplomatic approach in dealing with the guy who tried to sink the island. She reminds him that it was Nazi Xavier that blew up his country and it was Nazi Xavier that he wanted to kill. While he has a knack for holding a grudge (sinking entire islands definitely qualifies as an overreaction), he opts to take a rain check this time. She even offers to celebrate and/or mourn with them. He declines, indicating that this Japanese Namor may not have the same fetish for blonds that we’re used to. He leaves Dazzler’s team and the survivors. It would have been nice if he at least faked an apology to these people for nearly getting them killed, but this is Namor. Even in alternate universes, he’s not going to humble himself unless it involves a woman he wants to bone.

Later on, the adrenaline wears off and the team finally has a chance to settle with the survivors. Xavier-in-a-Jar tells the team that their mission is finally complete. They were tasked with traversing the multi-verse and killing 10 evil Xaviers and they succeeded. If it sounds anti-climatic, it is. If you think that’s really the end of it, then you must be one of those fans who sends money to Nigerian princes in hopes of recouping a lost lotto prize so this must be a sad moment for you.

Even if it isn’t, Dazzler takes some time to reflect on how far she’s come. When this series started, she was just another pretty blond who occasionally showed up in the X-books to give Emma Frost a breather. Greg Pak has turned her into a kick-ass leader and the thought of just going back to her world and back to being some Lady Gaga wannabe doesn’t sit right. This leads her to having a nice moment with black Cyclops and by nice moment I mean they decide to swap a little spit. It’s an image that would make the KKK or Tony Perkins recoil with disgust, a pretty blond kissing a black man who isn’t a star athlete or rapper. And while I’m all for hot blonds bringing the races closer together, this moment felt a little random and a bit hallow. Granted, Dazzler did admire black Cyclops in the previous issue. But the kiss still feels a bit rushed. There’s no sense of high drama or anything. It could have been much more powerful for the both of them, but it ends up falling a little flat. But still, it’s Dazzler getting a little action and yet more proof that the power of Cyclops’s penis span’s universes.

While the Cyclops/Dazzler kiss was rushed, things get even more contrived at the end. Remember that anti-climatic moment where Xavier-in-a-Jar just says they’ve succeeded and can go home? Well, there’s a reason you shouldn’t have been too shocked, namely because it was total bullshit. For some reason it takes Sage’s supercomputer mind way too fucking long to figure out they’ve killed only 9 evil Xaviers. That leaves one more. Then in a very sudden and very random twist, Xavier-in-a-Jar reveals that Evil Wizard Xavier isn’t dead and Nazi Xavier comes back to live to make a super triple-powered evil Xavier. Even if you read that previous sentence over completely, it’ll still make no sense. Greg Pak has shown a tendency to throw in major twists during his Xtreme X-men run. Hell, this is the guy who made an evil My Little Pony Charles Xavier. Yet he’s usually succeeded in having those twists not feel too forced. This is one that is just thrown out there as if it were a blindfolded baseball pitcher. While it does hint at a very eventful finale for this series, it just doesn’t have the impact of previous twists.

Going back to my point about this series regularly abusing certain laws, I threw common sense in the mix for a reason. Lately, I’ve been trying to place a greater emphasis on comics making at least half a fuck worth of sense. It’s that utter lack of coherence that both ruins stories like Avengers vs. X-men and earns you a DUI if you try driving home from a bar at three in the morning. Greg Pak has had to work harder than most writers to ensure his stories make some level of sense. How else can you get around My Little Pony version of Charles Xavier? For the most part, he has succeeded, but the ending of this issue leaves plenty to be desired.

Now I’m not going to say it was overly shocking to find out that their mission wasn’t over. I knew as soon as Dazzler’s team started relaxing and hooking up for a little post-victory sex, shit was about to go very badly. But aside from Sage's supercomputer of a brain taking so long to surmise that they had only killed 9 Charles Xaviers, the sudden emergence of two more evil Charles Xaviers crosses that incredibly blurred line this series has crafted in the logic department. Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I need to read this comic sober a few times. But the ending with Xavier-in-a-Jar just felt too random and even in comics where crazy shit is the only law of the land, that’s just a bit too crazy.

As crazy as it was, it didn’t detract from the well-organized battle between Nazi Xavier and Namor. Pak utilized a solid balance of action and conflict where Dazzler’s team struggled to figure out who they would help. He didn’t have them pick a side so-to-speak, but he didn’t have them twiddling their thumbs like dipshits either. Dazzler once again showed that she’s become a competent leader and led her team in a way that resulted in a successful mission, at least temporarily. They killed the evil Charles Xavier and saved a lot of innocent people in the process. That aspect of this comic was well-done.

Pak even did a good job playing up some of the dramatic elements. He’s taken Dazzler through a lot of character development since this story began. I’m glad that he had her actually step back and reflect on that. It certainly sets the stage for Dazzler to take on a very different role once she returns to 616 (assuming the writers don’t just forget about her like they did with Tessa). But throwing in that kiss with black Cyclops was a bit underdone. Granted, she did check him out in the previous issue. It just felt as though not enough was done to build towards the kiss. You don’t need to build that shit up when you’re doing a porno and since nobody showed their tits in this issue, I think that build-up was necessary.

Overall, this issue was still solid in that it moved the story forward and set the stage for the home stretch for this series. Dazzler’s mission is almost over and even if it didn’t make a lot of sense, Greg Pak made it clear that killing the last Charles Xavier is going to be her greatest challenge yet. In addition, any time a Nazi loses in a story, it’s a great “America! Fuck Yeah!” moment in a week where Uncanny Avengers already gave us our fair share. It was an issue that still left much to be desired and with Xtreme X-men crossing over in to the upcoming X-Terminator event, it has plenty of room to make up for it. So I give Xtreme X-men #11 a 3 out of 5. Another Nazi has fallen, but now we’re back to evil wizards and magic. Which would you rather face? At least with a Nazi, you can shoot them and they won’t turn the bullets into a giant dildo. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #10 - Axis of Awesome

A few years ago, some asshole judge thought I had anger management issues because beating up the brain-dead hipster who gave me a decafe mocha late instead of a double shot espresso at Starbucks was a symptom of “serious issues.” His words, not mine. I can safely say that the experience was akin to being strapped to a chair and being forced to listen to Barney the Dinosaur sodomize an elf for three weeks. The problem wasn’t the information itself. I honestly didn’t know visualizing Santa Claus could help calm someone down. It was the burned out hippie running the class who made me want to shove my balls into a broiler. He was this annoying, touchy feely type guy who wanted every man in the room to surrender their testicles, put on a dress, and slow dance to classical music for the rest of the day. Needless to say, I punched the guy in the face the last day of the class and my anger issues were solved.

This kind of touchy feely leadership, if done with the same incompetence as the anger management teacher that now has a black eye, is almost infuriating enough to make someone want to vote for Rick Santorum. On the flip side, those uptight drill-sergeant leaders that grow up to be drill instructors or gym teachers are just as infuriating, except you probably won’t get away with punching them in the face. These are the extremes of leadership and for the most part, leaders not named after a dictator or a cult leader are somewhere in between. For a new leader like Dazzler in the pages of Xtreme X-men, it’s a matter of determining where in that spectrum she wants to be and how willing she is to risk getting punched in the face.

Since Greg Pak revitalized Xtreme X-men from the ashes of Chris Claremont’s genius, he’s made this inter-dimensional mission to hunt down evil Charles Xaviers a Dazzler-centric story. Because why the hell shouldn’t a story revolve around a hot blond who can sing, kick ass, and put on her own light show without having to smear glitter on her tits? As the mission has unfolded, she has been thrust into a leadership position and must lead a ragtag collection of displaced alternate X-men against deranged Charles Xaviers that range from evil wizards to cute little ponies. It sounds pretty fucked up and it is. But Pak has found a way to make it awesome and he’s also found a way to make Dazzler more compelling than most generic blonds can ever hope to be without marrying Hugh Hefner.

In the previous issue, Dazzler successfully wrestled away a leadership role from an alternate version of her that was far more qualified on the basis of her zombie-killing skills. She even found time to knock off another evil Xavier. Now in Xtreme X-men #10, she’s free to exercise her new leadership skills. So what does she do first? Perhaps drill the hell out of her team, make them do push-ups, and threaten to unscrew their heads and shit down their neck? Nope! She orders that they all take a break from killing evil Xaviers and go swimming. Hell, if this is how my anger management classes were run, I might have actually come to a few meetings sober.

But not everybody chooses to partake in Dazzler's fun-loving leadership. Black Cyclops apparently wasn't forced into bullshit anger management classes in his universe so he basically stays back until Kid Nightcrawler teleports his clothes off and prompts him to take a dip. This sounds a lot less gay than you think because as soon as he's in his skivvies, Dazzler's mouth goes dry and all the moisture goes to her other mouth (by that I mean her vagina). I won't make a once you go black, you never go back joke. But it's the kind of scene that would piss off a member of the KKK so for that I find it extra enjoyable.

But the appeal isn't just seeing a pretty blond get moist for a big, strong black man not named Denzel Washington. In this suggestive scene that involves frolicking around in underwear, we actually get some long overdue details about who this Black Cyclops is. He showed up pretty abruptly with zombie killer Dazzler in the previous issue and his backstory really wasn't explored. But now that he's in his underwear and has a chance to bone a hot blond, he explains to Dazzler that he comes from a world where mutants were enlisted to help win a Civil War from a History Channel version of Nick Fury and Charles Xavier. He and another team of mutant powered soldiers were so effective at winning the war that both racists and his own allies started to fear him. He claims he killed 6,000 men. I'm sure that sounds like a lot, but I'm sure Wolverine would probably laugh at that figure. He kills that many people when his favorite hockey team loses.

And it isn't just Black Cyclops that gets some time to build his story. Hercules, who also showed up with Zombie Killer Dazzler, takes some time to discuss where he comes from as well. His story isn't exactly as big a mystery. We already know he comes from the same world as Wolverine and that he's playing hide the flesh rocket in the peanut butter cavern with him. We also know that he comes from a world where people like Rick Santorum are actually taken seriously because two men loving each other just doesn't fly. In his world, he and Wolverine were the best warriors, but they had to work under a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. It was only after they killed the most powerful creature in their world, which appeared to be a T-Rex on crystal meth, that they revealed their love. Shit didn't exactly go over well. Hercules's father, Zeus, ended up throwing their bleached asses into Tartarus. I guess in his world Zeus wants his sons to favor vaginas or he's a registered republican from Texas.

Now I like that Greg Pak is taking some time to flesh out these characters. They all manage to really open up here, letting each other and the readers know they come from worlds that are pretty fucked up in their own unique way but still not as fucked up as a world where Cyclops is thrown in jail for making the world a global utopia. However, a lot of these details feel like details that it should have been revealed a few issues ago. It's nice that they can open up to one another while swimming in their underwear. I guess that may be part of Dazzler's team-building exercise, but it still seems out of place to the point of it being filler and filler belongs in a burger. Not a comic.

Filler aside, there's one aspect to Xtreme X-men that still sets it apart from every other X-book. It's one of those books where you can see twists on certain characters that aren't just unique, but they piss off the Fox News crowd. That's what happens when you make Cyclops black and Wolverine gay. But Pak isn't done pissing off the assholes who voted for Mitt Romney. He's fucked up the ethnicity and race of another beloved Marvel character. He made Namor Japanese! Okay, so maybe he's not beloved as much as he is desired by hot blondes, but it's yet another twist in a book that has had many good ones.

A Japanese Namor is just what Dazzler's team faces when their little bonding swim is interrupted by Sage, who informs them that they've discovered that this world has a nasty little alternate history that involves London being flooded. Before they could figure out how the fuck this could have happened, they're attacked by a Japanese Namor who has a hate-boner for Xavier. It marks the first solid bout of action in the comic and when Namor is involved, you can expect it to be destructive, egoistical, and panty soaking. So while he may be Japanese, he's still the same Namor. He may just care less for blondes and more for cute girls in revealing school-girl uniforms.

So if Namor is Japanese in this universe, what about Xavier himself? What could he be? What he possibly be in a series that has already had him appear as a freakin' pony? How about a fucking Nazi? If that revelation shocks you an any way, then clearly you haven't been reading this series or you've been reading it stoned. Because considering all the crazy, twisted version of an evil Charles Xavier we've seen, a Nazi Xavier actually isn't all that ground breaking.

He makes his big Naziriffic entrance after Dazzler's team battle Namor and manage to convince him that the Xavier-in-a-Jar that has been guiding them isn't the on he wants to rip apart. He shows up looking like every boss battle in every Wolfenstein game ever. Naturally, Dazzler's team reacts in the same way anyone would react if they saw a real Nazi. They try to murder his Hitler-loving ass. It becomes another glorious spectacle of a battle where Nazi Xavier flexes his Aryan superiority in ways that should make any hippie vomit. It's a fun scene, but feels a little condensed after the filler from the earlier parts of the issue.

But just like we saw with the creepy My Little Pony Xavier, this Nazi Xavier may not be what he seems. He uses his telepathy to inform Dazzler's team that he's not the same sinister Nazi that eats babies for breakfast and the innocence of little children for lunch. He claims Nazi's in this world aren't all that bad and he's trying to save the last remaining innocent survivors of a world that was drowned, presumably by Namor. It puts Dazzler's team in an awkward position because now they have to choose between helping a Nazi and helping Namor when he's got a rage boner. If ever there was a "we're fucked" situation, this was it. However, Dazzler is the leader now. She just showed she can be the nice, touchy feely leader by letting her teammates go for a swim. Now she has to show that she's also the kind of leader that can make a tough decision and make sure it's the right one. So what's it going to be Dazzler? A Nazi or a Namor? Even her tits can't help her escape this one and we won't find out what she decides until the next issue sadly.

There are only so many stories you can tell about killing Nazis before shit starts to get old. The video game industry has yet to reach this point and comics can’t seem to get enough of it either. However, as clichéd as it may be, it can still be a lot of fun and this issue proves it. The sheer diversity of Greg Pak’s universe-hopping Xtreme X-men makes it possible to create yet another world where a Japanese Namor and a Nazi Charles Xavier don’t feel like something a writer came up with while playing Call of Duty stoned one too many times. Like the evil pony of Charles Xavier, Pak is able to give this theme a unique charm that is just plain fun.

The only problem with that special charm is that it is somewhat buried in this issue. While it was nice to see Dazzler and her team get a little downtime, it had too much of a filler-like taste to it. This quiet moment was essentially used to help catch the readers up with some of the characters that hadn’t really been explored yet, namely Hercules and black Cyclops. I’m all for filling in the blanks. I’ve said numerous times before in a perfectly sober mindset on this blog that those kinds of details are what separate good comics from awesome comics. But another thing those awesome comics do is find a way to fit these details into the story. In this instance it just seemed squeezed into the story and really didn’t affect the plot with Nazi Xavier or Japanese Namor.

Because of this, Xtreme X-men #10 feels like two halves of a different book. One half is exposition and the other is the actual story. Both by themselves are decent, but putting them in the same book makes it feel disorganized. Plus, it’s a lot harder to read while stoned and I do think that’s an important issue to consider. And while the concept of a Nazi Xavier and Japanese Namor fits nicely with the theme of this series, it still comes off as more flat when compared to stories about pony Xavier’s and evil wizard Xavier’s.

But I’m still perfectly comfortable saying this book is pretty awesome. Greg Pak continues to make Xtreme X-men an entertaining interlude from the regular X-books. Where else will you find shit like Nazi Xavier’s, black Cyclopses, and Wolverine swapping spit with someone who isn’t a redhead with a nice rack? The artwork is consistently solid. The dialog is smooth and conversational. And the touch of drama adds a few extra sprinkles on the top. For that, I give Xtreme X-men #10 a non-racist, anti-Nazi 3.5 out of 5. There may never come a day where stories about killing Nazis gets old. There may never come a day where I don’t meet an anger management teacher I don’t want to punch in the face. But even if that day doesn’t come, we can still find ways to enjoy it every chance we get. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #9 - Dazzler vs. Zombie Killer Dazzler

I used to know a guy whose sole mission in life was to try and upstage me at every possible turn. If I drank six beers, he tried to drink seven. If I did three lines of blow, he tried to do four. If I dated a girl and broke up with her after she found out I used her credit card to buy $800 in porn, then he tried to bang his girlfriend's sister and mother simultaneously. Needless to say, he pissed me off to no end. Granted, it all worked out. One time he thought I chugged a gallon of gasoline that was just wine smuggled in a gas tank. I don't know if they ever found a liver doner, but I think he learned his lesson. But the point of the story is that sometimes you're going to have to deal with assholes trying to upstage you and you can't always rely on their stupidity or their inability to discern wine from gasoline.

In the pages of Xtreme X-men, Dazzler has recently encountered some competition for her leadership position in her team of dimensionally displaced X-men. If she had balls, they would already be partially busted because she only recently proved her ability to lead the team when she, Wolverine, and Sage visited Kid Nightcrawler's universe and rescued him from killer robots and still had time to make a pit stop in 616 to get the blessing of Cyclops (although his blessing is worth about as much as Vanilla Ice's street cred these days). Yet when she returned to the Xavier-in-a-Jar, she found out he already replaced her with another more badass Dazzler that came from a universe where she led her own X-Force team against zombie hoards for a living. You can beat all the killer robots you want and get all the blessings from Cyclops you want, but you just can't beat zombie killers.

In Xtreme X-men #8, Greg Pak delivered yet another fucked up incarnation of Charles Xavier that was akin to an episode of My Little Pony on a bad acid trip. Both Dazzler teams were able to beat him, but Zombie Killer Dazzler understands that having two hot blondes on the same team just doesn't work in a non-porno situation. Xavier-in-a-Jar made up his mind. He wants the Zombie Killer Dazzler. And to prove it, the two fought each other in what should have been a bra and panties match in mud. But I guess Pak ran out of time and just had Zombie Killer Dazzler apparently kill her. I say that with the least urgent tone possible because it's painfully obvious that she's not dead. She's a pretty blond in a major comic book. Unlike slasher movies, they don't die. Marvel knows they need all the hot blonds for their fans to masturbate to as possible. So it's a given she'll survive, but it's not a given how she'll take on her zombie killing counterpart.

But before Dazzler can begin to contemplate how she’ll become more Paris Hilton and less Nichole Richie, we’re first introduced to the latest threat her team. The first pages of Xtreme X-men #9 introduce yet another douche-bag version of Charles Xavier that the multi-verse can do without. While Greg Pak has introduced many such Xaviers over the course of this series, he’s usually done a good job of mixing it up a little. We’ve had old West evil Xavier, we’ve had an Asgardian manipulating wannabe Xavier, and even a My Little Pony Xavier (that turned out to be a demon, but that’s besides the point). Pak knows how to mix this shit up is what I’m saying. So when the Xavier in this issue turns out to be your standard evil wizard in a setting that could be the backdrop for every major Lord of the Rings ripoff, it’s a little bland. It’s basically as standard an evil Xavier as you can get. That just makes the main antagonist in this comic less imposing if you're reading the comic sober.

The non-zombie killing Dazzler wakes up in this world, having been seriously wounded at the end of the last issue when her zombie killing counterpart fucking stabbed her. She has a nasty bandage over her chest, yet for some reason doesn’t seem all that woozy. I know there are some wounds that the tough and the ballsy shake off. Football players shake off concussions, boxers shake off broken jaws, and Chuck Norris shakes off gunshot wounds. But Dazzler woke up from being stabbed in the just as if it were a mild hangover. Having had my share of hangovers, I can say definitively that even the toughest don’t look that chipper even if they wake up in Megan Fox’s bath tub.

This somewhat contrived wake-up call forces Dazzler to catch up with the shit that’s going on around her. Apparently, the rest of her team is in the middle of a Lord of the Rings style battle. But instead of Orc, they’re fighting evil Beasts. Given what a monumental douche Beast has been in the comics lately, that’s a pretty terrifying threat. But zombie killer Dazzler, who apparently doesn’t give half a nanogram of shit about stabbing her counterpart, is leading them into battle. She doesn’t have much strategy. She’s just telling her team that there are monsters in front of them so killing them must somehow solve the problem. For some reason, Dazzler has a problem with that. And for a reason that’s even more fucked up, she doesn’t seem to care about the stab wound in her chest. It’s never even explained how serious the wound is. I’m all for X-men looking badass, but a fucking stab wound is not something that should be glossed over.

Regardless of how wounded she is, Dazzler is not about to let some bitch that just stabbed her take over her team and lead them with the ability of a relapsed drunk. She confronts her counterpart, but again the whole stabbing thing is brushed aside. I assume she was about to slowly explain to her why just running into an army of angry Beasts is a shitty battle tactic, but I guess she figured she can’t rationalize a situation she can’t stab. So with that in mind, Dazzler forcibly takes some of her dignity back by using her powers to effectively nuke the army in front of her. It’s the kind of dazzling display that few attractive blonds not named Lady Gaga can match. And for a girl who was recently stabbed, it’s pretty impressive and actually gets her team to stop following the crazy bitch that doesn’t look before crossing the street and listen to her. It’s not just badass, but it demonstrates that Dazzler is taking this whole leadership shit pretty seriously and isn’t going to let some stab-happy counterpart take that away from her.

Having proven her capabilities in the most blinding way possible, she gathers the team and some of the natives who happen to look like mini-Nightcrawlers. I guess with him being dead and/or an evil, traitorous prick Marvel has to make entire races of rip-offs to fill the void. But they’re actually pretty useful in that they provide Dazzler with a layout of the stronghold of the Witch King, aka the Evil Sauron-style Xavier. Armed with this information, she formulates a plan that involves Wolverine and Hercules infiltrating the castle from one end while attacking from another. It’s not as glorious as charging head-first into the front end of his army, but it has a better chance of actually doing more than just laughing his ass off at how stupid their tactics are.

Pak also uses this little planning phase to play up the dynamic between Wolverine and Hercules. In case your priest, imam, or Fox News anchor didn’t bitch about it recently, this version of Wolverine is gay and he’s swapping man meat with Hercules. And part of Dazzler’s plan involve them dressing up as Orcs, but in a way that would be more fitting in a gay pride parade than a Lord of the Rings style battle. I’m not saying that’s wrong. Hell, I think it’s awesome that Pak is making it clear that these two are hot for each other and are willing to dress up in ways that would make Pat Robertson’s head explode. And anything that disgusts Pat Robertson and men like him is awesome in my book!

So without anyone stabbing anybody this time, the plan is put into action. It’s not as epic a battle as it could have been. It actually feels a little rushed. But the point of the battle is to show that there are more efficient ways to take down an evil Xavier that don’t involve trying to go through his armies of monstrous Beasts. And much to the chagrin of the zombie killer Dazzler, it actually works. Wolverine and Hercules are able to draw the attention of Wizard Xavier’s armies away with their overwhelming strength and powerful man-love that puts anything Stephanie Meyer ever wrote to shame. This leaves Wizard Xavier’s stronghold more exposed than Pamela Anderson’s tits in bikini, thus Dazzler, Black Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and zombie killer Dazzler to slip inside. It’s not the most elaborate strategy in the history of warfare, but it works. They also blow up the bridge in the process because what’s a little strategy without a little “fuck you” thrown into the mix?

While this strategy allows Dazzler and her team to get around Wizard Xavier’s armies, the process of actually kicking his ass is a lot more difficult. Apparently, Dazzler didn’t have any strategy for that. But since she’s so new at this whole leadership thing, I’m willing to cut her some slack. The same can’t be said for Wizard Xavier, who exercises a mix of Harry Potter and Darth Vadar in how he takes on Dazzler and her team. He’s not gentle, he’s not merciful, and he really doesn’t try to do anything you wouldn’t expect a completely unapologetic douche-bag to do. It’s as overly basic as it sounds, which is somewhat disappointing given how Greg Pak has thrown in plenty of twists in the past with evil Xaviers. This is no pony Xavier like in the last arc, not by a long shot. So if you were hoping to be shocked again, stop holding your breath. Unless you’re doing a bong hit, that shit isn’t healthy.

It’s looking pretty bad for Dazzler, but once again her zombie killing counterpart just can’t stand to be upstaged. She already saw how her charge-the-massive-army-of-monsters tactics was proven to be fucking stupid. She needs to redeem herself somehow and what better way than to use the same tactic her counterpart used earlier and push her powers to eye-melting limits. Zombie killer Dazzler effectively ditches any notion of self-preservation and attacks Wizard Xavier with the kind of blinding force you won’t see outside a fireworks show on an LSD trip. She ends up pushing herself so far that she not only kills Wizard Xavier. She effectively burns out her own body until she’s nothing more than a figure of light that eventually fades.

This is yet another gaping plot hole that isn’t really explained. So if Dazzler pushes her powers that hard, she just turns into a walking hologram that eventually fades out? When the fuck did that become a potential problem for her? It makes sense on some levels, but not enough to prevent sober minds from asking WTF? Drunk minds may only be concerned with there being one less hot blond, but no matter how intoxicated a reader might be it is still a moment that should leave plenty of confusion.

Even if you are more confused by zombie killing Dazzler’s little display than a transvestite in a public restroom, it still makes for a powerful moment. This issue and the previous issue introduced some heavy competition for Dazzler’s leadership and now it’s safe to say that she’s channeled her inner Charlie Sheen and come out a winner. Her zombie killing counterpart isn’t even a sore loser either. She expresses confidence that she’ll do whatever crazy shit she needs to do in order to take down the rest of the evil Charles Xaviers. She even leaves Dazzler with her more badass uniform, which she greatly accepts. It doesn’t show quite as much cleavage, but the two gay men in the group voice no complaints about her fashion sense so it must be okay.

Anyone who puts his or her socks on one at a time admits on some level that it feels pretty damn good to upstage someone who was a complete asshole to you. There are few greater dick moves than just stabbing someone in the chest and not even apologizing for it. Yet for reasons that only Jesus Christ himself would understand, Dazzler didn’t make a big deal of it in this issue. Rather than bitch and moan about how begin stabbed hurts, she spent the bulk of this comic proving that she was a better leader and better equipped to take down evil Xaviers. And she fucking proved it in a way that would shrivel the scrotum of nearly every self-righteous douche-bag who ever owned a Prius or listened to Rush Limbaugh.

This has been the challenge of Xtreme X-men since it began. Pretty much every arc revolves around Dazzler and her team hunting down evil Charles Xaviers. Shit like that can get old pretty fast. X-men fans have been used to Charles Xavier being a douche since Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-men run. So Greg Pak has to inject more elements into these stories to make them interesting. And damn it, he succeeds. Although this issue was a bit overly basic at times and didn’t really throw in any huge twists like some of the previous arcs, it took events from a previous story and added a new element to the story. Dazzler only recently earned her role as leader of the team. Now she’s solidified it in a way that nobody who enjoys eating solid food or not being blind will ever dare question.

This issue was solid, but it was a bit more condensed than previous issues and in some instances that proved detrimental. It glossed over that little fact about Alison being stabbed in the previous issue and being more than capable of winning a battle against an army of Beasts. It also didn’t really develop the new black Cyclops all that much, nor did it explain clearly what happened with X-Force Dazzler when she faded. There were one too many blanks to fill in. It would have helped to have some narration at some points and dialog that was a bit more detailed, but in the end the story still succeeded in its primary goal to bitch slap all doubts about Dazzler’s leadership.

I liken the gaps in this issue to those nasty potholes on the highway. You can’t avoid them and they’re annoying as hell, but unless you’re a whiney little bitch you don’t complain about them. You just acknowledge them and keep driving until you reach the bar and/or strip club. This issue got readers to said bar and/or strip club, albeit in a less-than-smooth ride. Greg Pak continues to find ways to make a series centered around killing evil Charles Xaviers compelling and finds yet another way to make an attractive blonde badass in a way that you can still masturbate to. I give Xtreme X-men #9 a 3.5 out of 5. Yes, it has gaps. But it also has goblins, wizards, muscular gay men, demons, beasts, and two hot blonds trying to upstage one another. If that shit isn’t enough for you, then you’re an asshole or a Mormon. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #8 - Twisted Fantasies of Awesome

I often imagine that trips through multiple universes is like a cross-country road trip to every crack house in the country. Both over the course of the journey and as you reach your destinations, you're bound to find some pretty fucked up things that'll either give you a boner or haunt your dreams forever. Throughout the course of Xtreme X-men, Greg Pak has sent Allison Blair through a number of alternate universes. I don't know how many nightmares or pussy boners she's gotten along the way, but I'm pretty sure they're more than she cares to admit. And that's part of what has made this series so much fun. It isn't just about hopping universes. It's about Dazzler's personal journey along the way.

Before Xtreme X-men, she's was largely a C-list character. She's basically another cute blond with a nice rack, which is about as common in comics as personality disorders on bad reality TV shows (by that I mean ALL reality TV shows). She's probably one of the last characters you would expect to assume a leadership role in a title. Hell, she would be ranked somewhere between Pixie and Doop. Personally, I would like to see Doop lead a comic, but I assume Jason Aaron is saving that for the next big event. But the past few issues of Xtreme X-men have shown that Dazzler can lead her own team and do so while still looking hot as hell. And she doesn't even have to dress like Emma Frost. I think that counts as a blow for feminism.

Xtreme X-men #7.1 marked a new high point for the series. After so many crazy trips through multiple universes with Xavier-in-a-Jar, Dazzler and her team took a pit stop back in her home universe where she caught up on all the shit she missed with Avengers vs. X-men. I get the sense she's probably glad she missed all that shit. This way she has an excuse. It's not her fault she wasn't around to stop the Avengers and X-men from getting into a slap fight while the Phoenix fucked with five X-men. She was stuck in another universe. In terms of excuses, that's one of the few that are actually valid in the comics. But the big moment was at the end when Cyclops gives Dazzler his seal of approval as a leader as she continues her universe-hopping quest to hunt down more evil Charles Xaviers. It's still debatable just how much weight Cyclops's blessing carries when he's a fugitive and not boning Emma Frost anymore, but if nothing else it was a good confidence builder for Dazzler.

The universe-hopping journey continues in Xtreme X-men #8, but first we get a brief flashback to yet another alternate universe. But it’s not as random as you think. At the end of Xtreme X-men #7, we found out that Xavier-in-a-Jar got tired of waiting for Dazzler and her team to come back for him so he recruited a new one. That team included another Dazzler, an alternate Hercules, and a Black Cyclops. Throw in goth version of Jean Grey and you’ve got yourself the next Fox sitcom! But the main point here is to demonstrate how this version of Dazzler is different from her Lady Gaga wannabe other self. She’s no aspiring pop star in her world. She’s a hard-nosed, gun-toting member of X-Force that shoot zombies to pass the time on a Sunday afternoon. Hence, she’s perfect for Xavier’s team and just as hot.

Back with the non-badass Dazzler, she’s getting shit squared away with her team in the 616 universe after the events of Xtreme X-men #7.1. Sage is understandably hesitant to take on any mission that involves helping a disembodied head of Charles Xavier hunt down other Charles Xaviers. But Dazzler, flexing her new leadership, gets Sage to go along for the ride. Because let’s face it, she’s not going to get much more excitement that doesn’t involve interfacing her brain with porn sites. They arrive right back in the crazy jungle-like world they left in Xtreme X-men #7 where they’re greeted with the kind of hostility that X-men should be used to by now. They’re probably the only ones that know how Kristen Stewart feels while walking through a support group of men who are dating hardcore Twilight fans.

Now anyone who has followed Xtreme X-men to this point knows the kind of hostility that Dazzler and her team has faced never ranks less than a 9.5 on the fucked-up-o-meter. They've faced an old west style Charles Xavier, an Xavier-in-a-Jar, and a whale Xavier. How could anything possibly get more fucked up than that? How about a unicorn Xavier? No, that's not a metaphor. That's actually the Xavier that Dazzler and her team encounter. It's a unicorn with pink hair named Charles Xavier. That ranks a good 9.8 on the fucked-up-o-meter. Sorry, but it still doesn't come close to some of the fucked up shit I see in slash fiction.

In addition to being a fucking unicorn, this Xavier doesn't appear to be a sociopath. Because a sociopath unicorn would just be off the scale of the fucked-up-o-meter. But this Xavier is still a psychic and the reason he reacted like a bull that was about to get castrated was because he sensed another team coming to kill him. Dazzler, being too trusting and too cute a hot blond chick, is inclined to believe the unicorn. I can't say I would. If I saw a fucking unicorn, that just means I've taken way too much acid and should not trust my senses at this point.

But that other team does show up and surprise, surprise it includes the badass Dazzler that Xavier-in-a-Jar recruited earlier. She's not as inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to a fucking unicorn and tries to kill it. Dazzler naturally tries to fight back and protect the unicorn Xavier just as a 4-year-old girl would protect her dollhouse from her older brother armed with firecrackers. She also comes along with teammates including a Black Cyclops and Hercules. But unlike the others, Hercules isn't inclined to fight Wolverine. Earlier in the series, Pak dropped a rainbow colored bombshell that the Wolverine in Xtreme X-men was gay and had the hots for Hercules. Well, this is apparently the Hercules he was desperate to bone. It's a nice moment in the midst of the fighting. I know that slash fanfiction writers are already hard at work crafting a very lurid story about what these two men do in the jungle with only unicorns and rainbows at their disposal so I won't go into detail.

However, the gay undertones that One Million Moms will probably be bitching about in the coming weeks also temporarily hides the ongoing mission that Xavier-in-a-Jar has been pursuing since the series began. Dazzler still refuses to believe that a unicorn Xavier could ever be evil. Well, it turns out all those doll houses she used to play with as a girl corrupted her mind. Because it's revealed by the X-Force Dazzler and Xavier-in-a-Jar that this Xavier was just an illusion. The real Xavier looks like something Predator shat out after one too many burritos a Mexican restaurant. So yeah, it is possible for a unicorn to be evil. As of this very moment, the fantasies of a million little girls has been ruined. Thanks Marvel! You're truly doing the Lord's work!

So Dazzler's team has just been hilariously upstaged by Xavier-in-a-Jar's new team. She now knows how Tim Tebow felt after the Broncos signed Peyton Manning and traded his ass to the Jets. It's not completely one-sided though. In killing the fake unicorn Xavier, they found out that this whole fanciful realm was just a figment of his mind. Now that he's vulture chow, that world is falling apart. Dazzler tries to turn to Sage for help, but for some reason she says "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" It seems a little random, but I have to believe that a woman with a computer for a brain isn't that irrational. Unless it's that time of the month for her, I'm going to surmise she has a reason for leaving Dazzler and her team behind.

With the world falling apart, Dazzler tries to take charge as Cyclops said she could in the previous issue. However, X-Force Dazzler isn't having that shit. She's a badass zombie hunter whereas this Dazzler is a Lady Gaga wannabe from the disco era. It's like Chuck Norris versus Justin Timberlake. It's not a fair fight. This X-Force Dazzler is willing to ignore the current threat of a world falling apart and attack Dazzler to prove she's the leader. And for her, attacking means fucking stabbing through the chest. I would say it's extreme, but I've had ex-girlfriends do worse. It ends the comic on an ominous yet very exciting note. Dazzler just found out she's got what it takes to be a hero and then she gets stabbed. That may not rank high on the fucked-up-o-meter, but it still is pretty awesome.

So after a brief pit-stop in the main Marvel universe to keep fans from getting too confused, things are back on track in Xtreme X-men so to speak. This issue has Dazzler hopping universes again, hunting down evil Xavier’s and encountering a whole lot of fucked up things along the way. I honestly didn’t think that Greg Pak could top giant Whale Xavier in Xtreme X-men #7.1. I officially now owe a guy at a bar fifty bucks and my sister’s phone number after seeing a unicorn version of Charles Xavier. It sounds so stupid and outrageous, yet it works. That’s what continues to astound me about Xtreme X-men. Greg Pak just keeps finding ways to make this shit work.

Moreover, this comic took the series in a new direction by having it involve more than just Dazzler leading a team against universes of evil Xaviers. Now she has competition to deal with in the form of another Dazzler and another round of alternate universe heroes that are looking to not just test her leadership, but kill her disco-loving ass. It adds a new layer of complication on top of many other fucked up layers that involve Xaviers-in-a-Jar, space whales, and unicorns. I keep comparing shit like this to an awesome acid trip, but I don’t think even the best hallucinogens can conjure the kind of shit Xtreme X-men is using.

Yet as much fun as all these crazy elements are, they don’t fit together as well as they could. I know that sounds like trying to make shit shine, but it’s a fair criticism of the book. The suddenness of this new team feels a bit choppy, mainly in the reunion between Wolverine and Hercules and the Black Cyclops. While I don’t doubt those characters will get more attention in the next issue, it still feels like a few too many issues were left unaddressed. In that sense it made the issue feel a bit rushed, but I guess when you’re dealing with floating heads and unicorns you can only go so slow.

Xtreme X-men continues to be a delightfully fun and entertainingly fucked up saga. The story is now back on track and with plenty of twisted new elements for Greg Pak’s twisted mind to work with. It might be too twisted for some comic fans, but that’s their problem. I’m giving Xtreme X-men #8 a 4.5 out of 5 and there’s nothing they can do about it! We’ve seen Xavier as a whale. We’ve seen Xavier as a unicorn. As of this moment, I’m taking bets! What will Greg Pak have Xavier show up as next? A squirrel? A stunt man? Snookie’s baby daddy? Anything is possible! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some arrangements to make with my bookie. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #7.1 - Full Circle Awesome

I'm a firm believer in the whole parallel universe concept that some egghead scientists have plagiarized from science fiction to explain the universe. Sometimes I wonder what sort of fucked up incarnations of myself may exist on a parallel universe. Maybe in one universe I'm a born again Christian, registered Republican, and closeted homosexual that secretly hangs out in gay bath houses when the wife and kids are out of town. Or maybe there's another universe where I'm as smart as Reed Richards, as handsome as Captain America, and have a Nobel Prize for each day of the week. Or maybe one of my parallel selves is the same drunk who just reviews different comics every week. Whatever the case, I imagine that meeting would make for some pretty fucked up conversations. In Xtreme X-men, Greg Pak has been vividly imagining those fucked up conversations and telling some pretty awesome stories from them.

Since Dazzler's parallel universe-hopping journey began, she's encountered some pretty fucked up incarnations of the X-men we know and love. We've seen them as X-gods. We've seen them as John Wayne cos-players. We've seen them as extras in a Terminator-style post-apocalyptic world. Hell, we've even seen a version of Wolverine that isn't obsessed with redheaded married women and prefers the intimate company of Ricky Martin, Jim Parsons, and Elton John. You're not going to get that kind of shit without the aid of powerful drugs anywhere else and since my dealer recently skipped town, Xtreme X-men has been a great source of mind-fucks.

But as fun as Xtreme X-men has been, there are some elments Pak hasn't explored yet. We've encounterd numerous versions of Charles Xavier, Danger, and Wolverine. But to date Dazzler hasn't come face-to-face with another version of herself. You have to believe that Greg pak has been fooling around with that idea since he started this series. It's just been a matter of finding the right moment so that it fucks with Dazzler to the greatest possible extent. Well in the previous issue, Dazzler and her team managed to rescue Kid Nightcrawler from his world after ditching Xavier-in-a-Jar in a Savage Land universe. It was a dramatic and emotional issue, but it ended with the prospect of Dazzler having to meet up with another version of herself. Because apparently Xavier-in-a-Jar got board of waiting and recruited a new team of alternate X-men. And as it just so happens, one of those X-men is another Dazzler. Because let's face it, you can't have too many pretty blonds in comic books.

Xtreme X-men #7.1 attempts to do what every other .1 issue is supposed to do (and often fails miserably at, mind you) and establish a twisted set of circumstances meant to be new-reader friendly. I shutter to think how confused some readers will be when they try to digest all this alternate universe crap with a gay Wolverine, but at least Marvel is making a concerted effort. The issue takes place right after the events of Xtreme X-men #7 where Sage helped Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler escape a Terminator-esque world where the machines won and weren't stupid enough to keep a few humans alive to do menial work. Since Sage isn't up to speed on the whole Xavier-in-a-Jar conflcit, Dazzler gives her a quick update while trying her best to maintain a straight face. Most people would be rightfully skeptical if a hot blond told you all about her struggles against evil bald men in jars, X-gods, and old west cos-players. We would probably write that off as a metaphor for going on a cocaine bender with a guy that slipped her a few too many roofies. But Sage doesn't have the luxury of laughing it off and encouraging Dazzler to get the morning after pill because their ship is attacked by a hoard of Brood, who have overtaken a giant space whale-version of Xavier. Suddenly, the story about X-gods and the old west seems much more believable.

The motivations of the Brood aren't very different no matter what universe they're in. They want to overtake a host, maul them horribly, and laugh while singing Disco Inferno as they burn the corpses. The problem is Charles Xavier, who is one of the few telepaths strong enough to fuck with the hive's collective psyche. So upon seeing that the world of Terminator rip-offs is devoid of vulnerable fleshy creatures to maul, they seek another world where Xavier is not a factor. Guess which world comes to mind?

As it just so happens, Charles Xavier murdered by Cyclops and his brain was cut out by the Red Skull in the good old 616 universe. That's not only convenient for the Brood. It most likely makes them uncontrollably horny as well. So they venture to 616 where we don't just catch up with a world that has been utterly ignored since the beginning of Xtreme X-men. We actually catch up with the events of Avengers vs. X-men. It comes in just after Avengers vs. X-men Consequences and in the midsts of a story that's unfolding in All New X-men. Cyclops is struggling to control his new powers and still dealing with the guilt of having killed Xavier. It creates the perfect set of circumstances for Dazzler's story with the alternate universe X-men to continue. Cyclops happens to be combing through the ruins of Utopia when the Brood attack his ripe, guilt ridden mind. This may be a dick move on most levels, but it's still an amazingly awesome moment because it effectively re-establishes the Xtreme X-men conflict in 616. It may not sound like much, but if you were sober enough to remember all this shit did essentially start with 616. So I applaud Greg Pak for having the foresight to include that in this series, less he get too comfortable telling stories about alternate universes where Wolverine is gay.

We find out that in trying to locate Xavier-in-a-Jar across universes, Dazzler and her X-men team of alternate renegades tore a few holes in the multiverse for the Brood and their Whale Xavier to exploit. Using one of those holes, they find their way back to the 616 universe where Cyclops is emotionally fragile and ripe for exploiting. They essentially see him the same way tentacle monsters see cute Japanese school girls with big breasts. As is their nature, the Brood start fucking with him using Xavier's powers by giving him visions of Xavier.

It's not overly emotional because it isn't real, but Pak still does a decent job at giving Cyclops a reaction. Hell, he had a more emotional reaction here than he did in Avengers vs. X-men Consequences or All New X-men. I know that's not saying much for a guy like Cyclops, but it certainly adds weight to the scene. Even after Dazzler and her team show up, following the Brood through the rips in the multiverse, the impact is still there even though Dazzler finds a way to make light of it in an absurdly insensitive way. But since she wasn't around to see how Avengers vs. X-men  became so obscenely fucked up, I give her a pass.

After clashing with Cyclops, he passes out and Dazzler's team scrambles for answers as to what fucked up universe they're in now. It's a rather humorous, albeit eye-rolling, situation because Dazzler doesn't know she's back in her home universe. After Kid Nightcrawler uncovers the events of Avengers vs. X-men on an old computer, Dazzler thinks is on the same level as a universe where the X-men think their gods or where Xavier is a giant whale. But once Cyclops wakes up, he confirms it. He informs Dazzler that in the time since she left, he killed Xavier. She still refuses to believe it, thinking he must have been evil or something. But if evil means talking down to your first student like a dog while he's packing Phoenix heat, then I guess that qualifies. It shouldn't be this bemusing that Dazzler doesn't want this to believe it's her world and yet it is. You almost feel sorry for her. There are a long list of dumb blond jokes I could tell her, but I'll refrain out of sympathy.

Lucky for Dazzler, Cyclops doesn't get the chance to convince her that this is the world she left behind and missed out on all the action. The Whale Xavier arrives, complete with its hoard of flesh-ripping Brood. Knowing Cyclops mauled this universe's Charles Xavier so they wouldn't have to, they unleash an unholy cosmic hell that would probably have some people wishing for a derange Dark Phoenix. Personally, I would rather be instantly torched rather than eaten alive by aliens that look like mounds of horse shit. But that's just me. Cyclops in turn joins Dazzler's team as they fight the Brood in a nice action scene that has them trying to protect nearby civilians, including the hot guy that Dazzler was trying to fuck in the first issue. I'm pretty the threat of being mauled by aliens has killed his boner, but she still goes out of her way to save him and Cyclops sets his self-loathing aside to help out. He's already killed one Xavier. Why not kill a giant Whale Xavier?

As the battle is unfolding, Sage uses her telepathy to make contact with the Whale Xavier. Unfortunately, she doesn't get a chance to explore all the twisted thoughts a Whale Xavier may have. Instead, she finds out that the Brood have burrowed into the Whale Xavier's brain stem where they've been essentially throwing a non-stop keg party, gorging on brain matter in the same way drunks gorge on Taco Bell at three in the morning. Dazzler manages to coordinate with Wolverine enough to get him inside where he could bust up the party in a way the assholes at the DEA could only dream of. This Wolverine may be gay, but he can still rip through alien monsters the same way an army of PMSing women rip through a chocolate factory. Somewhere out there, the members of Westboro Baptist Church are shitting themselves and it's a glorious stench!

As the Brood are killed, this creates another emotional moment. The Whale Xavier, now free from the Queen Brood's influence, asks Cyclops and Dazzler to kill him. Now that the queen is dead, the rest of the Brood will be more pissed than an angry grizzly that just found out someone shot her cubs. It's emotional because Cyclops makes it clear he wants to save this Xavier in the way he couldn't save his Charles Xavier. But it's no use. This Whale Xavier knows there's no other way. But this time, Cyclops doesn't have to bear the burden. Dazzler takes care of it. She doesn't need to go Dark Phoenix this time. She just does what he asks and accepts the burden.

Now this is an emotional moment that could have definitely been drawn out, but the impact is still strong. Cyclops killed Xavier and now he has to watch another one die. It adds some extra challenges to the journey he's been on in other comics, but it also continues Dazzler's mission of Xavier-hunting. It's a perfect way to entwine Xtreme X-men with the other X-books. Such synergy is brilliant in its own right and appropriate in the grand scheme of the X-books. For a title that's been basically akin to an X-men LSD trip, that's pretty damn awesome.

In the end, Dazzler still has to fess up that this world where Cyclops killed Charles Xavier is her world. She claims she's not dumb, but again you could probably insert any dumb blond joke you wanted for this scene and it would still be just as appropriate. But beyond the blond jokes, Cyclops gives Dazzler a few last words of wisdom. She proved that she could handle leading a team of misfits through some pretty fucked up scenarios that involves Whale Xaviers, aliens monsters, and a gay Wolverine. He says those are all marks of a great leader. Now I'm tempted to say his standards for a great leader are pretty fucked up, but for a guy who boned both Jean Grey and Emma Frost who am I to judge? Dazzler accepts his advice and decides to continue her journey with her misfit team of alternate universe renegades. Somehow that seems more appealing than hanging out in the post Avengers vs. X-men world and I can't say I blame her.

Anyone who has dropped enough acid or smoked enough joints will tell you that after a while it's easy to forget how you started the night hanging out with a couple of friends and ended up face down in a hotel bathroom wearing women's underwear with a tattoo of a donkey fucking a goose on your back. Stories that are really out there are easy to lose track of, so much so that you flat out forget how the fuck they began in the first place. This is usually remedied with a few extra bong hits, but Xtreme X-men #7.1 provides an alternative that won't get you on the DEA's shit list. It doesn't just effectively remind the reader that the events of Xtreme X-men still have an effect on the good old 616 universe, but it actaully succeeds in doing what a .1 issue is supposed to do. It's taken Marvel way too many tries, but they finally got it right. As someone who has failed way more breathalizer tests than he's passed, I'm okay with that.

This comic didn't just move the story of Dazzler and her universe-hopping X-men froward. It established her as a competent leader of the pack while helping Xtreme X-men as a whole catch up with current events in 616. It would have been easier (hell, it would have been expected) for Marvel to just ignore the overall scope of Xtreme X-men and just carry on as if Dazzler would never be curious about her home universe again. But that didn't happen here. Greg Pak went back to the beginning here while still moving the story forward. That's like a stripper giving you a lap dance while she does your taxes for next year. It's the kind of multi-tasking, all-encompassing story telling that separates good comics from the awesome comics you remember even while stoned. In one issue Xtreme x-men went from being excessively out there to actually being relevant with the other X-books. That's a hell of an accomplishment in a world where comic companies regularly give only half a damn about making sure shit actually makes sense.

Xtreme X-men #7.1 had all the right elements and they came together in all the right ways. It didn't just help new readers catch up with the shit that's been going on in this universe-hopping story. It established Dazzler as a strong leader that's more than just a hot blond meant to appeal to the Katy Perry crowd of comic fans. The only major complaint I have about this issue is that we never got to see Dazzler's full reaction to the events of Avengers vs. X-men. That aspect seemed glossed over. While it didn't take away from the story too much, it did feel like it was avoided on purpose and that's a shame. If for no other reason than to see Dazzler slap Cyclops across the face. But I guess that's just have to assume that Dazzler wanted to bone Cyclops more than she wanted to slap him. I still give Xtreme X-men #7.1 a 4.5 out of 5. You may or may not think there's a place for an X-men comic that spans alternate universes and follows a team led by a hot blond chick. You many not even think the premise of Xtreme X-men is all that appealing. But to quote the immortal Samuel L. Jackson, I say, "Hell no, motherfucker!" In this universe, this comic still qualifies as awesome. Nuff said!