Xtreme X-men #10 - Axis of Awesome

A few years ago, some asshole judge thought I had anger management issues because beating up the brain-dead hipster who gave me a decafe mocha late instead of a double shot espresso at Starbucks was a symptom of “serious issues.” His words, not mine. I can safely say that the experience was akin to being strapped to a chair and being forced to listen to Barney the Dinosaur sodomize an elf for three weeks. The problem wasn’t the information itself. I honestly didn’t know visualizing Santa Claus could help calm someone down. It was the burned out hippie running the class who made me want to shove my balls into a broiler. He was this annoying, touchy feely type guy who wanted every man in the room to surrender their testicles, put on a dress, and slow dance to classical music for the rest of the day. Needless to say, I punched the guy in the face the last day of the class and my anger issues were solved.

This kind of touchy feely leadership, if done with the same incompetence as the anger management teacher that now has a black eye, is almost infuriating enough to make someone want to vote for Rick Santorum. On the flip side, those uptight drill-sergeant leaders that grow up to be drill instructors or gym teachers are just as infuriating, except you probably won’t get away with punching them in the face. These are the extremes of leadership and for the most part, leaders not named after a dictator or a cult leader are somewhere in between. For a new leader like Dazzler in the pages of Xtreme X-men, it’s a matter of determining where in that spectrum she wants to be and how willing she is to risk getting punched in the face.

Since Greg Pak revitalized Xtreme X-men from the ashes of Chris Claremont’s genius, he’s made this inter-dimensional mission to hunt down evil Charles Xaviers a Dazzler-centric story. Because why the hell shouldn’t a story revolve around a hot blond who can sing, kick ass, and put on her own light show without having to smear glitter on her tits? As the mission has unfolded, she has been thrust into a leadership position and must lead a ragtag collection of displaced alternate X-men against deranged Charles Xaviers that range from evil wizards to cute little ponies. It sounds pretty fucked up and it is. But Pak has found a way to make it awesome and he’s also found a way to make Dazzler more compelling than most generic blonds can ever hope to be without marrying Hugh Hefner.

In the previous issue, Dazzler successfully wrestled away a leadership role from an alternate version of her that was far more qualified on the basis of her zombie-killing skills. She even found time to knock off another evil Xavier. Now in Xtreme X-men #10, she’s free to exercise her new leadership skills. So what does she do first? Perhaps drill the hell out of her team, make them do push-ups, and threaten to unscrew their heads and shit down their neck? Nope! She orders that they all take a break from killing evil Xaviers and go swimming. Hell, if this is how my anger management classes were run, I might have actually come to a few meetings sober.

But not everybody chooses to partake in Dazzler's fun-loving leadership. Black Cyclops apparently wasn't forced into bullshit anger management classes in his universe so he basically stays back until Kid Nightcrawler teleports his clothes off and prompts him to take a dip. This sounds a lot less gay than you think because as soon as he's in his skivvies, Dazzler's mouth goes dry and all the moisture goes to her other mouth (by that I mean her vagina). I won't make a once you go black, you never go back joke. But it's the kind of scene that would piss off a member of the KKK so for that I find it extra enjoyable.

But the appeal isn't just seeing a pretty blond get moist for a big, strong black man not named Denzel Washington. In this suggestive scene that involves frolicking around in underwear, we actually get some long overdue details about who this Black Cyclops is. He showed up pretty abruptly with zombie killer Dazzler in the previous issue and his backstory really wasn't explored. But now that he's in his underwear and has a chance to bone a hot blond, he explains to Dazzler that he comes from a world where mutants were enlisted to help win a Civil War from a History Channel version of Nick Fury and Charles Xavier. He and another team of mutant powered soldiers were so effective at winning the war that both racists and his own allies started to fear him. He claims he killed 6,000 men. I'm sure that sounds like a lot, but I'm sure Wolverine would probably laugh at that figure. He kills that many people when his favorite hockey team loses.

And it isn't just Black Cyclops that gets some time to build his story. Hercules, who also showed up with Zombie Killer Dazzler, takes some time to discuss where he comes from as well. His story isn't exactly as big a mystery. We already know he comes from the same world as Wolverine and that he's playing hide the flesh rocket in the peanut butter cavern with him. We also know that he comes from a world where people like Rick Santorum are actually taken seriously because two men loving each other just doesn't fly. In his world, he and Wolverine were the best warriors, but they had to work under a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. It was only after they killed the most powerful creature in their world, which appeared to be a T-Rex on crystal meth, that they revealed their love. Shit didn't exactly go over well. Hercules's father, Zeus, ended up throwing their bleached asses into Tartarus. I guess in his world Zeus wants his sons to favor vaginas or he's a registered republican from Texas.

Now I like that Greg Pak is taking some time to flesh out these characters. They all manage to really open up here, letting each other and the readers know they come from worlds that are pretty fucked up in their own unique way but still not as fucked up as a world where Cyclops is thrown in jail for making the world a global utopia. However, a lot of these details feel like details that it should have been revealed a few issues ago. It's nice that they can open up to one another while swimming in their underwear. I guess that may be part of Dazzler's team-building exercise, but it still seems out of place to the point of it being filler and filler belongs in a burger. Not a comic.

Filler aside, there's one aspect to Xtreme X-men that still sets it apart from every other X-book. It's one of those books where you can see twists on certain characters that aren't just unique, but they piss off the Fox News crowd. That's what happens when you make Cyclops black and Wolverine gay. But Pak isn't done pissing off the assholes who voted for Mitt Romney. He's fucked up the ethnicity and race of another beloved Marvel character. He made Namor Japanese! Okay, so maybe he's not beloved as much as he is desired by hot blondes, but it's yet another twist in a book that has had many good ones.

A Japanese Namor is just what Dazzler's team faces when their little bonding swim is interrupted by Sage, who informs them that they've discovered that this world has a nasty little alternate history that involves London being flooded. Before they could figure out how the fuck this could have happened, they're attacked by a Japanese Namor who has a hate-boner for Xavier. It marks the first solid bout of action in the comic and when Namor is involved, you can expect it to be destructive, egoistical, and panty soaking. So while he may be Japanese, he's still the same Namor. He may just care less for blondes and more for cute girls in revealing school-girl uniforms.

So if Namor is Japanese in this universe, what about Xavier himself? What could he be? What he possibly be in a series that has already had him appear as a freakin' pony? How about a fucking Nazi? If that revelation shocks you an any way, then clearly you haven't been reading this series or you've been reading it stoned. Because considering all the crazy, twisted version of an evil Charles Xavier we've seen, a Nazi Xavier actually isn't all that ground breaking.

He makes his big Naziriffic entrance after Dazzler's team battle Namor and manage to convince him that the Xavier-in-a-Jar that has been guiding them isn't the on he wants to rip apart. He shows up looking like every boss battle in every Wolfenstein game ever. Naturally, Dazzler's team reacts in the same way anyone would react if they saw a real Nazi. They try to murder his Hitler-loving ass. It becomes another glorious spectacle of a battle where Nazi Xavier flexes his Aryan superiority in ways that should make any hippie vomit. It's a fun scene, but feels a little condensed after the filler from the earlier parts of the issue.

But just like we saw with the creepy My Little Pony Xavier, this Nazi Xavier may not be what he seems. He uses his telepathy to inform Dazzler's team that he's not the same sinister Nazi that eats babies for breakfast and the innocence of little children for lunch. He claims Nazi's in this world aren't all that bad and he's trying to save the last remaining innocent survivors of a world that was drowned, presumably by Namor. It puts Dazzler's team in an awkward position because now they have to choose between helping a Nazi and helping Namor when he's got a rage boner. If ever there was a "we're fucked" situation, this was it. However, Dazzler is the leader now. She just showed she can be the nice, touchy feely leader by letting her teammates go for a swim. Now she has to show that she's also the kind of leader that can make a tough decision and make sure it's the right one. So what's it going to be Dazzler? A Nazi or a Namor? Even her tits can't help her escape this one and we won't find out what she decides until the next issue sadly.

There are only so many stories you can tell about killing Nazis before shit starts to get old. The video game industry has yet to reach this point and comics can’t seem to get enough of it either. However, as clichéd as it may be, it can still be a lot of fun and this issue proves it. The sheer diversity of Greg Pak’s universe-hopping Xtreme X-men makes it possible to create yet another world where a Japanese Namor and a Nazi Charles Xavier don’t feel like something a writer came up with while playing Call of Duty stoned one too many times. Like the evil pony of Charles Xavier, Pak is able to give this theme a unique charm that is just plain fun.

The only problem with that special charm is that it is somewhat buried in this issue. While it was nice to see Dazzler and her team get a little downtime, it had too much of a filler-like taste to it. This quiet moment was essentially used to help catch the readers up with some of the characters that hadn’t really been explored yet, namely Hercules and black Cyclops. I’m all for filling in the blanks. I’ve said numerous times before in a perfectly sober mindset on this blog that those kinds of details are what separate good comics from awesome comics. But another thing those awesome comics do is find a way to fit these details into the story. In this instance it just seemed squeezed into the story and really didn’t affect the plot with Nazi Xavier or Japanese Namor.

Because of this, Xtreme X-men #10 feels like two halves of a different book. One half is exposition and the other is the actual story. Both by themselves are decent, but putting them in the same book makes it feel disorganized. Plus, it’s a lot harder to read while stoned and I do think that’s an important issue to consider. And while the concept of a Nazi Xavier and Japanese Namor fits nicely with the theme of this series, it still comes off as more flat when compared to stories about pony Xavier’s and evil wizard Xavier’s.

But I’m still perfectly comfortable saying this book is pretty awesome. Greg Pak continues to make Xtreme X-men an entertaining interlude from the regular X-books. Where else will you find shit like Nazi Xavier’s, black Cyclopses, and Wolverine swapping spit with someone who isn’t a redhead with a nice rack? The artwork is consistently solid. The dialog is smooth and conversational. And the touch of drama adds a few extra sprinkles on the top. For that, I give Xtreme X-men #10 a non-racist, anti-Nazi 3.5 out of 5. There may never come a day where stories about killing Nazis gets old. There may never come a day where I don’t meet an anger management teacher I don’t want to punch in the face. But even if that day doesn’t come, we can still find ways to enjoy it every chance we get. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #6 - Robots, Homosexuals, and Awesome

Some like to say that hippies are a harmless group of lazy, promiscuous stoners whose sole mission involved being able to get as high as possible with as little work as possible. But some of us know better. Some of us who listen to Rush Limbaugh stoned know that hippies are part of some vast liberal conspiracy bent on destroying the American way of life by actually trying to protect the environment and thumbing their nose at all these social norms that we adopted because they looked like a good idea in shitty 50s sitcoms. I mean can you imagine what would happen if hippies were allowed to impose their drug-fueled ideas into society? Cars would stop spewing toxic fumes. Weed would be available in every 7/11. Schools would give students an hour every day for orgies. Glenn Beck would be out of a job and back to being a typical drunk. And who wants to live in that world?

Maybe I'm bias because hippies are a great source of weed and amusement, but I don't think there's enough hippie shit in comics. Then again, where the hell would that kind of shit even work? Well, there is a comic out there that has the necessary elements and an uncanny willingness to explore worlds more fucked up than anything we ever saw in a 50s sitcom. I'm talking of course about Greg Pak's Xtreme X-men. It's a comic that essentially gives the finger to subtle plots and cliched story-telling and simply follows a hot blond in Dazzler as she explores various alternate universes where the X-men as we know them are very different and fucked up in a beautiful way. Greg Pak has already explored a world where the X-men are Olympian gods, minus the incest and pedophilia, and where the X-men are basically characters in an old western movie. The possibilities for X-men with a new and distinct twist is endless and at the end of the previous issue, Greg Pak already gave us a hint at what we could expect.

When Dazzler's X-men team gave another evil Xavier a Tony Soprano style send-off, they were prepared to head to the next universe where they could track down the next evil Charles Xavier and introduce him to the business end of Wolverine's claws. However, Kid Nightcrawler got a little over-eager to get out of a world of John Wayne cos-players and jumped the gun. He ended up in a world where he was being eyed by a bunch of killer robots in the same way John Goodman eyes doughnuts. It shows once again that no matter what universe they go to, X-men will always be attacked by killer robots.

However, the X-men's luck or lack thereof with robots take on a somewhat different theme in Xtreme X-men #6. First, Greg Pak takes a moment to explore the world that Kid Nightcrawler came from. It's a world where liberal hippies have enshrined their drug-induced visions of utopia into law and created a perfect world in which Rush Limbaugh would kill himself if he ever lived there. It's a world where California is a world power, health care is free, carbon emissions are zero, and Al Gore is probably President in some capacity. In this world, robots are essentially pets. Think Wall-E without the anti-capitalism undertones. But even in this utopia, there are still bullies and they loved harassing Kid Nightcrawler. Because in a world where everything is cut from a stoner's wet dream, douche-bags still find a way to thrive. I think this is Greg Pak's way of saying that no amount of progress will rid us of douche-bags.

As if it didn't suck enough that bullies ruined a utopian world run by the state of California, Kid Nightcrawler's day/life gets exponentially worse when those robot pets I mentioned suddenly realize that serving human beings is bullshit and rise up against them. It's pretty abrupt, but in a world run by California, the same state that elected the fucking Terminator as governor in our world, it's perfectly believable. The lack of build-up is a bit jarring, but the point is to put Kid Nightcrawler in the position he would be in to play a part in Greg Pak's Exhaulted arc in Astonishing X-men. This requires his parents to essentially hide him away while they run off to try and convince their new robot overlords that humans make good pets as well. While hiding and fearing for his parents, Kid Nightcrawler's teleportation powers activate and that's what leads him on this multi-universe romp. It effectively fills in the gaps regarding Kid Nightcrawlers role in Xtreme X-men while giving readers yet another reason to give the finger to the next hippie that pisses on a Hummer.

Whereas Nightcrawler was separated, Dazzler and Wolverine continue down their own universe-romping adventure with their Xavier-in-a-Jar. They end up in a strange world where dinosaurs still rule. So while one gets to go to some liberal fantasy paradise, they have to go to a world that Christian scientists pretend never existed. How the fuck is that fair? Despite having to fight off some Jurassic Park rejects, Dazzler is intent on getting Kid Nightcrawler back. Because fuck fighting another evil Charles Xavier. They would rather go to a world where they have to fight killer robots. Because let's face it, that's what X-men are good at.

The Xavier-in-a-Jar makes it clear that they have other priorities than a kid Nightcrawler who was too stupid to not stay with the group during their universe-hopping. He also explains that whenever they do a time jump, they go to the universe that's most likely to spawn another douche-bag Charles Xavier intent on mind-fucking the entire world. It's hard to imagine what kind of Charles Xavier would exist in a world of dinosaurs unless he's doing the single greatest act of Jurassic Park cos-playing in the history of the universe, but it is still their core mission. Dazzler and Wolverine make it clear they don't give a fuck about that mission so Xavier-in-a-Jar caves and just teleports them to Kid Nightcrawler.

It's a rather unceremonious way in which to resolve this issue. Usually, when heroes argue it ends in the same way an argument between two teenage girls over the last Twilight movie. Nobody admits their wrong, somebody gets pissed, and someone ends up screaming about being scratched with fake nails. Either Xavier-in-a-Jar just doesn't have the same dedication as Twilight fans or Greg Pak is just too determined to write a story about killer robots. I'm all for killer robots in X-men, but it helps if it's a bit more logical

Wolverine and Dazzler arrive in Kid Nightcrawlers world. By now the machines have won and there's no Kyle Reese to knock of John Connor's mother. Almost immediately, they attract the attention of machines that are deeply allergic to humans. They lay low and start looking for Kid Nightcrawler, who at this point has been in his horribly decimated world for a few days now. So he goes from a world that's falling apart to a world that literally fell apart and back again. You can't help but feel sorry for the kid, who is basically one of the only fleshy creature in his world at this point. But that's not the emotion that Pak focuses on.

A few issues ago, Dazzler's X-men team crossed paths with an alternate version of Hercules. And for some reason, Wolverine's heart skipped a few beats and his dick started twitching. Pak was pretty coy about this, but Dazzler finally brings it up in this setting that is less appropriate than discussing your last bender in Tijuana during your uncle's funeral. And Pak is not coy about it this time. This version of Wolverine was in love with a man/demigod. That's right folks, this is a gay Wolverine! Not the kind that tries to fuck married women and has an occasional Asian fetish. He's an actual, Elton John minus the ridiculous suits, homosexual who was in love with Hercules. Unfortunately, he came from a world where Rick Santorum is president or something because men loving other men just didn't fly in his country. It's a different kind of twist that is a bit random in the context of this actual issue, but it finally clears something up from a previous arc. And if you listen really closely, you can actually hear all the slash fanfiction writers out there scrambling to write the most lurid gay love scene between Wolverine and Hercules they can conjure.

Now a gay Wolverine sounds like something that's way too over-the-top even for Xtreme X-men. I mean what else could Greg Pak possibly throw into this series to make it more fucked up and unique without Emma Frost having a sex change? Well he manages to find a way if you can believe that. But he doesn't do it by taking an alternate version of a character and switching their tastes in what they like to do with asses. He does it by bringing Sage into the story. Don't remember Sage? Take a quick moment to fuck yourself and then come back and recall that Sage was once a key member of Xtreme X-men during the Chris Claremont run. She was never killed off, shot into space, or left in limbo like Kitty Pryde. She was just brushed aside by Marvel. It may be the only time in history when they had a beautiful woman who liked to wear skin-tight black leather outfits and they couldn't come up with a valid way to use her. It's as crazy as it sounds.

But in this story, Marvel finally finds a way. Sage, having the benefits of a computer-like brain, makes for the perfect ambassador of SWORD to negotiate with aliens. Now it's not clear whether this is SWORD from the 616 world or if some humans managed to survive the Judgement Day style war, but there's basically some unresolved issues. Sage wants the killer robot empire to hand over Kid Nightcrawler, who they have imprisoned and are likely planning to kill train as a pet. It's basically a hostage situation. The killer robots are poised to kill Kid Nightcrawler and Sage's people are prepared to give every machine the equivalent of porno spyware. I'm guessing that's like the anthrax for machines or something.

But this fragile situation does not factor in Dazzler and Wolverine fucking things up. On the final page, we find out that they've already tracked down Kid Nightcrawler and have no intention of letting the robot overlords of this world use him for target practice. Sage does a little narrating to her SWORD associates that this little incident could start another robot war that would be more destructive than 50 Michael Bay movies. And they really can't afford to have that in a world where some robots actually aren't killer Decepticon-like creatures. Most didn't take any part in the slaughtering of the humans and couldn't give a shit about Kid Nightcrawler. So both innocent mutants and innocent robots are in the crossfire. Only in Xtreme X-men can we get a story where Dazzler and a gay Wolverine rescue a kid Nightcrawler in a world where innocent robots are threatened by the brutish actions of killer robots. If I said any of that to a normal person, they would probably urge me to lay off the weed.

And so we once again have a story here that shows how the hippie utopia they love to brag about will end in complete disaster. The problem is in order to live in this world, you have to be too stoned to program your robots with a fucking off switch. It's a serious blow for hippies, but a nice touch for this comic. It's taken a while, but Greg Pak is gradually exploring each character in greater detail. First, we learn where Kid Nightcrawler came from and what happened to his world. Then we find out that this version of Wolverine is raging homosexual with a hard-on for Greek demigods. No one can fault Pak for not shaking things up a bit. He's already inspired a new class of Slash fanfiction writers, but he's also gone even further by re-introducing a character that has been MIA since Bush's first term. This is the kind of flexibility you have when you base a comic off of universe-hopping X-men and Pak is clearly having more fun with it than a pyromaniac in a match factory.

This comic threw in a whole lot of great elements, but the main issue is that they didn't really form a cohesive story. It definitely laid the groundwork for such a story, but it didn't really come together. We got to explore Kid Nightcrawler's world and catch up with Sage finally. Dazzler and Wolverine got to rough up a few dinosaurs, explore their sexuality, and pull a rescue mission for Kid Nightcrawler. It just didn't flow as easily as it could have. And I think there's going to be increasing demand from a certain segment of readers to explore this Wolverine's fondness of the muscular men. You know who you are so I won't go into detail. I'll just say that I'm sure Mr. Pak will give you people plenty to work with when crafting your epic "Wolverine Loves Hercules: Superhuman Rectal Romance" saga.

But aside from the gay innuendo, this comic still set up some interesting elements, albeit in a very messy sort of way. Kid Nightcrawler is at the mercy of machines and Sage is in a position of power surrounding by walking vibrator humanoids. It's not clear how this even remotely fits into the greater conflict of fighting off evil Charles Xaviers. At the very least, it adds a little variety to the series. It just doesn't fit together as well as it could. For that, I give Xtreme X-men #6 a 3 out of 5. Hippies are going to hate this. Homosexual activists are going to love it. Republicans are going to hate it. People with robot fetishes are going to love it. X-men fans in general should enjoy it. So overall, I say it's a win-win! Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #4 - Old West Awesome

I've never been a fan of old westerns. There are only so many times I pay attention to a story that involves to cowboys standing in a dirt road, ready to shoot each other, and not realizing how utterly retarded it is to be standing directly in front of one another. All I know about old westerns is that there's a good cowboy meant to represent all the virtues that the Christian Right has been trying to shove down our throats for three decades and a bad cowboy meant to be Charlie Sheen's distant ancestor. It's fun the first time, but like jerking off to the same porno it eventually fails to get your dick hard again. So when Xtreme X-men is poised to go from a world of X-men demigods to a world of John Wayne ripoffs, I wasn't exactly thrilled.

That said, I'm usually willing to give cliched themes a shot just like I'm usually willing to give that old porno I mentioned a shot at getting my dick hard again. Sometimes it work. Sometimes it doesn't and I have to spend the next two hours on youporn finding something that will get me off when the blow still hasn't worn off. But given the recent success of Xtreme X-men, I think Greg Pak has earned the trust of both my dick and my tastes in X-men comics. He's done something that's not entirely novel by taking a B-list character in Dazzler and sending her on a universe-hopping adventure where she rubs elbows with all sorts of alternate reality X-men. However, he does it in a way that's just fun and enjoyable. It's not some radically stupid idea like trying to make an entire story about the Phoenix Force that doesn't involve Jean Grey. Okay, bad example.

Thankfully, Greg Pak is both able and willing to move a story forward in a coherent way without resorting to ADHD medications. The previous issue ended with Dazzler's X-men revealing that the Xavier in the world of X-gods was actually a divinely inspired douche-bag in that he cast an epic mind-fuck that made the X-men into holy assholes and the world into an unholy toilet. It's yet another instance of Charles Xavier being a universal douche-bag in a multi-verse of possibilities. Is it at all possible Dazzler and co. will EVER find a universe where Xavier doesn't make the reader want Cyclops to go Dark Phoenix and end his shit? Okay, another bad example. But you get the idea.

Xtreme X-men #4 introduces us to a world where the X-men live in a bad John Wayne movie. It's the old west complete with dusty roads, drinking, gambling, and presumably plenty of prostitutes. And like the old west, there's plenty of lawless shit going on. And wouldn't you know it? This world's version of Charles Xavier is the overbloated source of it all. He apparently still has telepathic powers in this world and rather than using them to get free blowjobs from the prostitutes, he uses them to cheat at cards. That in and of itself is pretty inane until he uses those same powers to make everybody's brain leak out of their ears when someone calls him out. Some men just aren't satisfied with blow jobs and in almost every instance, they tend to be evil.

Flash forward in time a bit so that evil Xavier has plenty of time to mind-fuck an entire town and time period. It's nowhere nearly as impressive as mind fucking a bunch of demigods, but I guess we can't expect every version of Xavier to be that badass. Dazzler, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, and their pet Xavier in a jar arrive just long enough to channel their inner Clint Eastwood. They also have time to steal some clothes that just happen to fit perfectly because apparently the old west offered a better selection than your average modern Wal-Mart. And after rolling into town doing their best to not look like inter-dimensional time travelers, they begin their mission to hunt down this world's evil Xavier. But wouldn't you know it? The old west tends to attract a lot of assholes and the X-men just aren't inclined to ignore assholes.

This time it comes in the form of a familiar looking kid named Jamie with a familiar set of claws. He and his mother get harassed by an old west style version of the Brotherhood, complete with a version of Toad that easily gets his ass kicked. They don't give much reason for harassing the kid and his mother. But the mere fact he has claws and a bad temper is enough to rouse Wolverine's inner Hamlet and attack these old west knock-offs.

It's a battle that's a fuckton more exciting than your typical shootout. Dazzler makes dueling look sexy for the first time since John Wayne's death by turning her light-show into a mini-gun. It gives Wolverine plenty of time to beat the shit out of this world's version of Sabretooth, which never gets old no matter what universe he's in. They also pick up on a few ominous quips about there being big bad boss of sorts. And since they've yet to come across a universe where Xavier isn't a douche, it's a pretty safe assumption who it may be. But since this version of Wolverine also happens to have childhood issues, he insists on taking on the whole damn down while Dazzler and Nightcrawler get the boy and his mother to safety. It's badass, but pretty damn stupid.

After Dazzler and Nightcrawler get away, Wolverine ends up in the pokey for stirring up so much shit. While he's presumably waiting for a cake with a nail file, he finds out he's got a cell mate that doesn't look inclined to make him his bitch. His mate is actually Jamie's father. This in and of itself isn't too jarring until it gives Wolverine some frat party style flashbacks of his own father. It sounds cheesy, but it actually adds a bit of heart to the scene and the overall plot because to this point there hasn't been much room for melodrama in Xtreme X-men. It's just travel the multi-verse, beat up evil Xavier's, and find reasons to put Dazzler in a sexy costume. That's all well and good, but a story about a kid whose father got wrongfully locked up that also makes Wolverine seem like less of an unfeeling douche-bag also helps.

We learn that this guy made only one mistake that landed him in a prison cell with a festering wound for over a year. He had the balls to tell the big boss in town to go fuck himself. In the old west, that's like a woman going on an ice fishing trip with Scott Peterson. It's not going to end well. But unlike this desperate father, Wolverine is more inclined to bust out. And since he's got a special skeleton that makes him immune to telepaths, he's in a much better position to tell the boss to go fuck himself.

That's actually a problem because in the same way that the Xavier of every world they visit is an asshole, he also happens to be pretty cunning. While the man is pleading with Wolverine to send his son one final message, we finally get to meet this big boss and this time there's no big twist. It is Xavier and he's not looking to pretend he's a nice guy. He just gets his kicks by mind-fucking people. And since Wolverine's skeleton is preventing him from doing that, he needs to employ all the sick shit from every Human Centipede movie to get it out of him, presumably without having to ingest as much shit.

While shit is getting bloody at the big house, Dazzler and Nightcrawler are working on finding Wolverine and Jamie's father. Dazzler employs some fancy tricks that involve her dressing up as a hooker, which is only slightly less revealing than her being in that Slave Leia costume she wore in the previous arc. If the next world they visit doesn't have her in a thong, then it would just be inconsistent at this point. But however slutty her clothes, she manages to find Wolverine using some creative sound tricks. Unfortunately, Xavier and his buddies already had their fun. They're still able to find Jamie's father though, who was more than happy to get paroled. It leads to a nice, emotional reunion with his family. However, they still haven't had a chance to tell this world's Xavier to go fuck himself and they just can't have that.

Whatever horrific shit this world's Xavier did, it seemed to work. Because after Dazzler and Nightcrawler succeed in freeing Jamie's father, Xavier sends his mind-fucked goons after them. And this time that includes Wolverine. This marks the second time one of their universe-hopping buddies has turned on them. Emma Frost did it in the previous arc. Now Wolverine has done it here, albeit after some presumably extreme coercion. But it implies the beginning of a rather disturbing trend. Now Dazzler may have to look for the moment when Kid Nightcrawler turns on her. At least he doesn't have metal claws, daddy issues, and an evil Xavier pulling his strings.

Whereas the previous issue was awesome because of Greg Pak's ability to throw a shocking twist into the mix, this issue found an entirely different way to be awesome. Contrary to popular belief, people are still capable of getting teary-eyed when they read a touching tale about a man trying to save his son and a son trying to save his father. Those tears are all the more sweet when one of them has claws. Pak took a break from showing Dazzler's team fight against gods that like to wash their hands in the blood of the innocent to set up a story that's more grounded, but with mutants and old west prostitutes. There's a struggle here with a family in danger and it offers a compelling pull that gives this issue a solid impact.

That said, the impact is somewhat lessened by the lack of details. We get that the story of Jamie and his father tickles your warm and fuzzy side in a way that probably would require another bypass for Dick Cheney. What we don't get is what the rest of the team should do about it and how this fits into their larger mission. That seems to be a growing theme in this series. It's getting tough to recall or keep track of their mission. And when you smoke as much weed as I do, you're not going to forget or have the necessary motivation to go back and read the earlier issues. I get that it's hard to keep a series coherent in the same way it's hard to beat a drug test while stoned. But that's what separates the good from the awesome.

However, this issue is still sufficiently awesome to rekindle your love of John Wayne movies. There's action, drama, and prostitutes. That's a complete story in my book! However, the increasing lack of coherence in Xtreme X-men is a distressing trend. I certainly hope that Greg Pak is able to throw in a few more twists because as much fun as it is seeing a pretty blonde hop universes and make friends with alternate versions of her friends, it gets old. There are only so many times you can see an alternate Xavier mind-fuck people before it loses its impact. However, that impact is still there and that's why I give Xtreme X-men #4 a 4 out of 5. Now if you'll excuse me, this comic has given me a sudden craving for whiskey and a hooker. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #3 - Divinely Deceptive Awesome

We all like pleasant surprises and despite the unpleasant ones. To me, a pleasant surprise is like finding an extra bag of weed between my couch cushion or finding a whole bottle of vodka in the back of the freezer. But unpleasant surprises are less fickle. They are usually variations of a bad hangover. Sometimes it's as simple as a kick in the nuts from a hooker after you pay them for a quick hummer in a gas station bathroom. Other times it's as complex as an overhyped comic event falling flatter than Kristen Stewart's acting. I've practically run out of shit analogies for Avengers vs. X-men, but I try to take some comfort in that the X-books are a big, overbloated property that Marvel does anything and everything to exploit in order to suck out every last cent from consumers. It may get the Occupy Wall Street crowd's panties in several knots, but for fans like me it just means more opportunities for those pleasant surprises.

One X-book that has been largely unaffected by the shit tornado that is Avengers vs. X-men is Greg Pak's Xtreme X-men. This comic is a lot like that guy at a party who would just grab the prettiest drunk girl he could find, slip out the back, and say "So long you drunk dumb-asses!" before banging the girl in the back of a pickup truck. It's just as fun, but without noise and potential liver damage of the big events.

And as luck would have it, Xtreme X-men is a series based entirely around a pretty girl that isn't even drunk (okay, so nobody's perfect). Dazzler has been mixing it up in the Marvel multi-verse, rubbing elbows with alternate versions of Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Emma Frost. They team up with a disembodied head of Charles Xavier on a universe-hopping adventure to keep the space time continuum from collapsing worse than the Libyan government. The last issue had Dazzler cross paths with a version of X-men that believe they're actual gods and act like divine assholes to prove it. It wasn't a terrible story, but it was no line of blow off a strippers tits. However, Greg Pak has been known to shine in unexpected ways before so I'm always willing to give him a chance, provided he doesn't do some crazy shit like send Rogue to a world of cat-people...okay, bad example.

Xtreme X-men #3 picks up shortly after Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler escape Storm and the X-gods wrath. In the last issue they made the mistake of not making them less bored so they decided to attack. It was a lopsided battle, but thankfully they got an assist from this world's version of Magneto and Xavier. Apparently in this universe, they're still BFF's and not in the slash fiction sort of way. They help Dazzler and her pals escape while creating a psychic illusion that has the X-gods take their divine douche-baggery on an unpopulated area. But Xavier and Magneto are keen to point out that these X-gods have killed millions in this world and have probably can't even get boners anymore without some mortal begging for mercy. Whether it's a guilt trip or a revelation, they make sure that Dazzler, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler aren't comfortable letting that shit stand.

These alternate BFF versions of Xavier and Magneto take Dazzler and her team to an alternate version of utopia. However, it's about as utopian as downtown Detroit. It essentially contains the small minority of people who the X-gods haven't fucked over with their divine dicks. They're only about 5,000 strong and contain some familiar faces like Reed Richards and Hercules. It's somewhat tense because in this world Hercules is still part god, but he's only a demigod so he's cool. It's like being quarter Cherokee on a college admissions application. It's not much and it amounts to jack shit in the grand scheme of things, but it suffices. It also ensures that they have some muscle on their side to take on the X-gods.

But Dazzler and her team's arrival isn't all about forging inter-dimensional Facebook friends. Their presence has actually seriously fucked up a status quo that has already been gang banged more than Jenna Jameson. Not only that, they lost their Xavier head in a jar and they kind of need him back in order to ditch this Clash of the Titans knock-off X-men. But while using their own version of Cerebro to scan the X-god's Olympus-like palace, they learn that when Emmeline betrayed them in the previous issue she fucking meant it. She uses her own powers to give Xavier the psychic finger and that's a big fucking problem for reasons that go beyond Xavier getting schooled by a hot blonde. Now that the X-gods have a psychic, they can find Utopia and pretty much wipe their asses with if it they want. For that reason, Xavier says they have to kill all the telepaths working for the X-gods. Dazzler has a slight problem with that, but then he coyly points out that their pet Xavier in a jar tasked them with killing this universe's version of Xavier so that puts them in a pretty awkward position. It seems the least they could to maintain some form of dignity is to help out. Arriving in a universe to find out you're trying to kill the last hope for humanity to avoid being nothing more than a mild rectal itch to these gods kind of makes you obligated.

A night goes by and Xavier prepares to rally what's left of Utopia's army. They know they're basically akin to a bunch of grasshoppers trying to take down Mike Tyson wearing clown shoes so morale isn't exactly high. So Hercules gets Dazzler to do a little singing to inspire them. It's not much, but I think most people feel better about fighting to the death after hearing a hot chick sing. That seems to be another constant in most universes, comic book or otherwise.

But in addition to her singing, Dazzler also takes time to have a little chit-chat with Kid Nightcrawler. She actually tries to encourage him to sit out this battle because he's just a fucking kid. Throwing him into a battle against gods is a parenting tip right out of Michael Jackson's book. But Kid Nightcrawler isn't going to take that shit. He's going to partake in the battle regardless of how much it makes Dazzler's tummy hurt. It seems mundane, but it's actually a compelling scene in the sense that it shows Dazzler developing a kinship with these alternate reality X-men. To this point they really haven't developed much of a bond. Dazzler just got tossed in with them in the first issue. Now they're starting to get more friendly and that helps make for a more compelling narrative. It's like getting drunk with your best friend. It always beats getting drunk with a stranger that may try to pick a fight the moment you say something about their mother.

The next day, Xavier and Magneto march their army into battle. It looks to be a typical battle royal between a bunch of underdog mortals and gods who can't be bothered to listen to their bitching in between orgies. Storm and Thor don't seem too concerned, but as the army approaches the Xavier in a jar that they kept from Dazzler's team mentions some strange psychic interference. It may not sound like much and even if it means something, it's quickly lost once the battle begins. It's pretty standard at first. Kid Nightcrawler teleports them into the X-gods's domain while the main army harasses the rest of their godly army that is completely unlike what Pat Robertson probably imagines. Dazzler tries to get back at Storm for dressing her up like a stripper and trying to make her a Slave Leia of sorts. It seems like your typical battle where those underdog X-men reach deep down, channel their inner Braveheart, and overcome impossible odds. Well I'm sorry to say if you want that shit, you'll have to stick to Mighty Ducks movies because that ain't how this plays out.

Remember that point I made earlier about pleasant surprises? I'm asking because I don't remember it much either. You smoke enough weed and you forget the shit you write. It happens. But part of what goes into a pleasant surprise is a plot twist that's not so twisted that it gives the impression that the writer was stoned. It's a plot twist that's so unexpected yet so fitting that makes you feel like the hooker you paid to blow you didn't realize you paid her in monopoly money. I usually don't expect such twists from Greg Pak, but here he pulls something off that leaves me almost as shocked as the aforementioned hooker.

That minor warning from the Xavier in a jar that was glossed over earlier wasn't just a warning. It was a sign that something in this universe was more fucked up than your typical X-men as gods ordeal. It turns out that Storm, Thor, and the rest of her X-god buddies weren't just acting like douche-bags because it got their dicks hard. It turns out the Charles Xavier in this world was actually as big an asshole as they expected and then some. The Xavier in a jar reveals that this universe's Xavier drove the X-gods to being the assholes that took a giant shit on the world. And why would he do that? Well, he says it's because by having gods to oppose, he and Magneto could be the best they could be. Okay, that's about the second worse reason anybody ever went to war. At least George W. Bush only fucked over a country and not the world. Magneto didn't care for that reason either. He snapped this universe's Xavier's neck, which effectively frees the world from his douche-baggery while accomplishing the mission Dazzler's team set out to do. It's like a three-way at a whore house in that it accomplishes two goals at once.

Once this universe's asshole Xavier is dead, the X-gods begin the tedious process of unfucking the world. And in a shakeup that's expected in some ways and surprising than others, Emmeline decides to stay. Seeing as how she turned on Dazzler's team in the last issue, I figure it would be pretty damn hard to trust her at this point. Plus, the X-gods are nice enough to grant her a wish of not giving a damn anymore so she's pretty much bound to this universe. But even though she's Emma Frost from another world, she's still an Emma that gives only so many fucks. Not to leave on a sour note, Dazzler throws in a quick smooch on a hot guy before leaving with Wolverine, Kid Nightcrawler, and Xavier in a jar. They're not exactly leaving Las Vegas with a full bag of chips, but they're not leaving flat broke anyways. In terms of inter-dimensional hopping, I think this qualifies as a win.

This issue offered far more than I expected. From the get go, I've branded Xtreme X-men as a novelty that helps fill the void left by Exiles. It's a void not easily filled and one that I've done my best to fill with certain cocktails of alcohol and a few other exotic substances I dare not name less the fine folks at the DEA are X-men fans. But this issue goes beyond merely filling a void. This issue doesn't just carry the story forward. It throws in a remarkable twist that you won't find outside a Christopher Nolan movie, minus subtle anti-liberal propaganda. The issue began with one set of assumptions about Storm, Thor, and the rest of these X-men wannabe gods. Greg Pak effectively took those assumption, choked them with a piece of barb wire, and shot them with a 12-gauge shotgun in the head. Not only that, it tweaked the line-up in the story by having Emmeline stay while Dazzler continued her journey with Howlett and Kid Nightcrawler. That ensures the next arc won't follow the same formula. Now Dazzler and co. have to function without a hot blonde telepath on their side. Fuck if that isn't a challenge.

As great as the twist was, I still found Xavier's little justification for his deception pretty weak. And it wouldn't be the first time a version of Charles Xavier has had a bullshit reason to mind-fuck people. It appeaars to be another one of those trends that spans multiple universes on top of the trend that ensures Deadpool will always be batshit crazy. Charles Xavier comes off as this shining beacon of virtue, but behind the scenes he's a scheming, sleazy asshole who would gladly make you shit out your own brain cells if it made his mission a little easier. I probably shouldn't be too disappointed that Dazzler's crew came across yet another Xavier who spent too much time in Gary Busey's head. That is, after all, what set the stage for this crazy multi-verse spanning adventure going all the way back to Pak's Astonishing X-men run. But still, in a multi-verse that's infinitely big, is it too much to ask for at least one Charles Xavier that's not a total douche-bag?

Maybe Dazzler will find a universe like that in her journey. For now, her trip in this issue and the series as a whole continues to be wildly entertaining. Greg Pak continues to write her as a solid character, utilizing solid dialog while setting up some pretty amazing battles that involve gods, demi-gods, and psychics with way too much free time on their hands. Xtreme X-men is still a very different kind of book that some people will still bitch about because it doesn't really tie in with the other X-books. I consider these people to be the same assholes that double park their Hummers in handicap spots and refuse to take off that Bush/Cheney bumper sticker fron the back. These are comic fans that this series can do without. I give Xtreme X-men #3 a 4.5 out of 5. How can I give a book any less when it demonstrates an ability to twist my perceptions in a way that's entirely legal...for now. Mr. Pak, if you're watching this, keep an eye out for the DEA. You never know what kind of shit they'll ban next. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #2 - Ungodly Awesome

When you give anyone too much power, they eventually start to think their shit doesn't stink. Just look at North Korea, a country ruled by men more delusional than Gary Busey on an acid trip. Pretty much anyone with that much authority is going to find an exceedingly creative/batshit crazy way to abuse it. It's like people in power keep trying to one-up each other to prove who is the most insane. This twisted contest has taken many different forms in comics. When Greg Pak wrote his Astonishing X-men arc, Exhaulted, he raised the bar for everyone outside of North Korea by creating a version of Charles Xavier that held a world together using the disembodied heads of alternate version realities of himself. You have to believe that if Kim Jong Ill lived long enough, he would have done something similar.

The return of Xtreme X-men has continued that story and I admit I was intrigued by this twisted madness. Maybe that's also why I like to hook up with girls who take no fewer than three anti-psychotics, but it also helps that the story has been developed in an undeniably awesome new way. Once again, the world Pak created linked up with 616. But instead of drawing Cyclops into the mix and having him swap spit with an alternate Storm, Dazzler got dragged into the conflict. Now she's with alternate versions of Emma Frost, Wolverine, and Nightcrawler as they follow the whims of one of the disembodied Xavier heads through a maze of twisted alternate realities. It's as twisted and awesome as it sounds.

Xtreme X-men #2 picks up where the last issue left off with Dazzler and the alternate X-men landing right in the cross-hairs of a group of X-men that happen to be Asgardian gods in this particular universe. As such, they sound like divine assholes when they demand that Dazzler, Emmeline, Wolverine, and Nightcrawler submit. Emmeline decides to play it smart and do as they ask. Dazzler, having hung out in San Francisco for way too fucking long, says fuck that and decides to fight back. This pisses off Storm (who happens to be married to Thor), and Asgardian versions of Namor, Iceman, and Sabretooth. While being a god probably doesn't make people assholes in every universe, I imagine it's pretty damn rare to find one that doesn't.

As such, the battle between four renegade X-men from alternate universes and a floating Charles Xavier head doesn't measure up that well against X-men who think they're gods. Dazzler does manage to rough up Thor a bit and Wolverine does draw his share of attention from what's probably the best dressed Sabretooth in any alternate universe to date. However, they're still facing a Storm who is regularly fucks Thor and gives an exceedingly limited number of fucks. So rather than test their luck, Emmeline actually turns on her own teammates and uses her powers to knock them out. It's debatable whether it's a smart move or a dick move. In any universe you can always expect Emma Frost to be less than ethical in her judgments. It also shows that while these may be X-men from other worlds, they're not exactly on the same page. It's not the most spine-busting twist, but it does add an interesting element of dissent.

When Dazzler wakes up, she finds out she's not in some hellish dungeon. Since she's a pretty blonde and apparently they're practically currency for gods in most universes, she's given a chance to live a life that's slightly less shitty than torture and slave labor. She's given a chance to become a slave girl. And I'm not talking about the slave girls that Mitt Romney employs to clean his mansions. I'm talking about the slave girls Flavor Flav recruits in exchange for 15 minutes of media recognition. She's given the choice to do it in a clothing optional manner. Unfortunately, she chooses clothes. Just once I would like one X-woman to take advantage of this option, but I suppose Dazzler in a Slave Leia outfit is the next best thing. She better hope that Storm is bicurious because she's giving her and her X-men exiles a chance to prove they're worth keeping alive.

As they go to meet up with Storm and her godly X-men posse, they get a quick glimpse of the kind of world these godly X-men watch over. Despite having plenty of power and enough free time to torment extra-dimensional travelers, the mortals they watch over live a pretty shitty life. They toil endlessly through drought and famine. The X-men gods have more than enough power to make it easier for them. They just choose not to or don't give enough of a damn. They're basically Old Testament style gods, minus the circumcision requirement. It offers a nice little insight into this alternate world and may even have a hidden message about what happens when you give god-like power to beings that clearly don't give a damn. And that message is the world is every bit as shitty. Somebody should tell Pat Robertson.

In order to appease these gods, Dazzler's task is somewhat less daunting than Abraham and doesn't involve animal sacrifice. Storm tells her to sing, which is basically her job in 616 in addition to being a walking light show. If her singing pleases the gods, she'll be allowed to live as a slave girl rather than target practice. It's not much of an incentive, especially for a group that gives the same number of fucks about the fate of the X-men as Michelle Bauchman does about gay rights. But never one to miss an opportunity to channel her inner American Idol, Dazzler rises to the challenge. She even uses the cries of a baby to channel her powers. It may sound like a hidden message from pro-lifers, but it definitely adds something to the scene.

And like Susan Boyle when she auditioned in front of Simon Cowell, her voice moves the gods in ways they haven't been moved before. Either she rose the spirit of Whitney Huston or the gods in this universe have shitty tastes. But it's enough to bring Storm to tears and as a result, she finally gives enough of a damn to make some rain for the starving people of her world. Is it a bit melodramatic? Of course. Does it really have anything to do with the mission Dazzler and her alternate universe X-men took on in the last issue? Well, pretty much nothing in this issue serves that. But it's still a moment with heart.

It's also the perfect distraction as well. When a beautiful woman is singing in an equally beautiful way, even gods get distracted. That allows Dazzler to sneak in a few blasts to led Storm and the X-gods know she cares as much for their mercy as they do for the suffering of their people. This triggers round two of the brawl between these X-men renegades and these X-men demigods. It still doesn't feel like a fair fight, but it's not like residing themselves to lives as Princess Leia cosplayers wasn't much more appealing.

While the fight not be fair, Dazzler and her renegade X-men buddies get lucky this time in that the Charles Xavier in this world isn't a complete douche or a head in a jar. He's a guy who likes to drive fancy hover cars and harass gods. He's like James Bond meets Richard Dawkins. He offers Dazzler and the rest of the mortals that the X-gods fuck with a chance at freedom. They need about as little convincing as Mitt Romney on a tax loophole. Again, it's a little random. But it's a world where the X-men are gods and Xavier drives a hover car. In any other book that would be fucked up. In Xtreme X-men, it's just Tuesday and Tuesdays were never this fun.

While Xavier's appearance in this world helped even the odds, it didn't even them enough because Thor and Storm don't take that kind of shit lightly. Like the Old Testament god and sodomy, they get extra pissed and hit the X-men with a few healthy doses of thunder and lightning. At this point, they're done showing what little mercy they're capable of. They gave Dazzler and her buddies a chance to live life as peaceful slaves. Now they're just going to kill them. And that, my friends, is pretty much what ever Sunday School lesson boils down to. When a god gets pissed, they don't give a holy fuck about slaughter.

A book like Xtreme X-men is a book that caters to unique tastes in comics and I'm not talking about the tastes you only find in Turkish bath houses after hours. I'm talking about tastes that used to be filled regularly by books like Exiles where good writers got to get high and come up with unique alternate universes for the X-men without having to go through whatever hoops Marvel made them jump through to create a What If comic. Some of the concepts were pretty fucked up and I wish I knew where some of those writers got their weed. Whatever their source, Greg Pak has shown over the past two issues that he has way better contacts. Unlike those charming Exiles comics, he's taken this crazy world he's created and linked it closely with 616 in a way that doesn't restrict him from exploring crazy ideas like the X-men being Old Testament style gods. It's the kind of perfect balance you won't find out of the Ukrainian Olympic gymnastic team.

Xtreme X-men #2 is like a sample at a buffalo wing tasting contest that offers a glimpse as to what this series is capable of. And if the end result of this issue is any indication, I think I can reasonably conclude in my drunken logic that this series is capable of some pretty awesome shit. Granted, the underlying mission that Dazzler, Emmaline, Wolverine, and Nightcrawler initially set up to accomplish was lost in the midst of facing X-men demigods. However, the story itself was still entertaining that once again allowed Dazzler to shine in a way she couldn't do without pouring glitter on her tits. It also puts some rather disturbing yet intriguing images in the reader's head like a demigod Sabretooth chowing down on a female version of Wolverine. If such elements intrigue the reader as much as they nauseate them, I think that's a good sign this series is onto something.

Xtreme X-men isn't for everyone. While it is linked to the other 616 X-books, that link is exceedingly weak. There's still plenty of flashy action and little twists that give this book a unique feel. It's not a basic X-men vs. evil X-men brawl. Some of the X-men aren't actually keen on fighting, like Emmaline. It shows that this alternate universe team isn't exactly on the same page, making for some rather tenuous dynamics. There's plenty to explore and Greg Pak has done a lot to establish the potential of this book. It has just yet to be realized. For that I give Xtreme X-men #2 a 3.5 out of 5. The choice is clear. You can read a story where the X-men only get to act like gods in Avengers vs. X-men or you can read a story where the X-men actually travel to a universe where they are gods. Plus, Dazzler and Emma are in sexy slave girl garb. I think that more than anything makes the decision clear. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #1 - Xtreme Multiverse Awesome

It's no secret that Marvel has an abundance of alternate universes. Hell, Marvel has alternate universes in the same way Homer Simpson has a drinking problem. It's as broad and diverse as whatever the brilliant minds at Marvel can come up with and/or whatever exotic substances they can get their hands on. We've had alternate realities where mutants are shoved into concentration camps and hunted by sentinels (Days of Futures Past), another alternate reality where mutants are shoved into concentration champs and hunted by sentinels (Ultimate X-men, which is basically just one prolonged rip-off of Days of Futures Past among other things), and another reality where mutants rule over humans under Magneto's magnetic personality (House of M). You would think that would be enough alternate realities for Marvel to explore, but I'm sure everyone at Marvel would only laugh at the notion before calling security for stalking them in a Hulk costume. Like naked photos of Jessica Alba, you just can't get enough.

A new and exotic alternate universe was recently birthed from the womb of Greg Pak. While he's best known for having the Hulk wage war on the entire Marvel universe, he also had a brief run on Astonishing X-men where he introduced a universe where Magneto has decimated the world to the point where it's literally falling apart and Charles Xavier has lost his fucking mind in his effort to hold it together. During his brief run, Pak had 616 Cyclops travel to this crumbling world and free end Xavier's plan to hold the world together by sacrificing mutants from parallel universes. It's exactly as twisted as it sounds. He also took some time to swap spit with Storm, but that's another story.

Now Greg Pak is back to revisit this crumbling world he birthed in the pages of a relaunched series, Xtreme X-men. That's right, the series where Chris Claremont explored subtle hints of lesbian attraction between Storm and Jean Grey is back and with a new premise. I'm not sure how much lesbian attraction Pak will employ, but I'll assume it'll be no more than the required allotment dictated by their Disney overlords. The world that 616 Cyclops left behind is still falling apart. Now Xtreme X-men promises to follow Captain James Howlett (alternate Wolverine), Emmeline Frost-Summers (alternate Emma Frost), and Kurt Waggoner (alternate Nightcrawler who looks suspiciously like the Nightcrawler in X-men Evolution) as they fight to save a world that Magneto fucked up.

Mr. Pak doesn't skip a beat in picking up where he left off with his Astonishing X-men arc. Wolverine and Emmeline are rallying what few X-men they have to protect the petrified human population as their world prepares to fall apart faster than Tiger Wood's squeaky clean image. They try to get some form of guidance by linking up all the floating heads of alternate dimension Charles Xaviers that were used to bring mutants into this broken world. Again, it's as fucked up as it sounds. They either need to find a way to fix this crumbling world or find a new universe to crash. It's like having a choice between fixing the toilet that's overflowing with shit in your apartment or crashing with a friend. I think we all know which we prefer.

And like trying to fix an overflowing toilet by repeatedly flushing it, these alternate world X-men manage to overload the elaborate array of Xavier heads. It seems like an inefficient and foolish way to solve a global problem, but when the world around you is literally falling apart sometimes the smartest thing you can do is bang on the machine you're relying on to save you and hope it does something. I'm sure it fails 99.99999999 percent of the time, but in this instance it "works" to a point. That is, if you call "work" creating a new portal that's supposed to accommodate over 6 billion people that are probably still in the process of shitting themselves.

So this alternate world is more fucked than a porn star in a dildo factory. But 616 for all it's schismed X-men and regularly besiged Avengers is still in one piece. Like his Astonishing X-men arc, Greg Pak seeks to link up 616 with this new world he's created. But instead of utilizing Cyclops when he's in an emo mood, he focuses on a pretty blonde with a beautiful singing voice who also plays guitar. For some reason, I'm pretty sure most of the male readers won't disagree with that. Dazzler, who has been somewhat of a tertiary X-man in the X-books, is enjoying the normal sights of San Francisco, which include a man dressed in drag with very little shame to spare impersonating her. But she doesn't seem to mind and uses it as an opportunity to flirt with a cute guy. Because let's face it, even special clams need a few pearls inside them every once in a while.

Unfortunately, Dazzler doesn't get a chance to measure the bulge in her new beau's pants. She's called upon by Cyclops to help Madison Jefferies and Danger with an experiment involving the Ghost Box. You can probably see where this is going. You might as well put put the Grateful Dead in a room full of cocaine. You know what's going to happen. For those of you who skipped the Astonishing X-men arc that introduced the Ghost Box (and you would be forgiving for doing so), all you need to know is it does to the space time continuum what Michelle Bauchman does to the credibility of the Tea Party. Madison Jefferies needed an influx of energy and he figured he would have better luck if a beautiful woman was the source. I can honestly find no flaw in such logic.

Even with sound logic, the Ghost Box does what it does best and anally rapes the space time continuum. Since this is the same gizmo that transported Cyclops to the crazy realm of a million Xavier heads, it's not entirely coincidence that it links up with that other massive glory hole that was torn in the other universe. It causes Emmeline, Wolverine, and Kid Nightcrawler to tumble into the 616 world. However, it also causes a tentacle monster to follow them as well because apparently tentacle monsters are attracted to dimensional portals in the same way Donald Trump is attracted to European models. It's not quite as random as it sounds. It would be if there was a shitty explanation for it, but that comes a bit later. For now, Dazzler decides that since no one in the other X-books will let her demonstrate her awesome, she'll try to close the dimensional portal herself since she's the one that opened it. Again, it's not flawed logic. But even sound logic can be pretty fucked up.

It ends only slightly as messy as you would expect. No, it doesn't cause the universe to explode or cite any Back to the Future references for the 285983474239875th time. It just pulls the three dimensionally challenged X-men back into the portal and Dazzler goes with them. This is where we actually do get an explanation for that tentacle monster that looks like it was lifted from the set of a Japanese anime porno. That creature isn't just any phallic-metaphor monster that strikes fear into all girls who dress in school girl uniforms. It's actually Charles Xavier from one of the other universes. That's right, there is a universe where Xavier is a giant squid-like monster. I'm assuming it's the same universe where Magneto is a massive collection of vaginas, but I suppose they can't show that at Marvel. What with being owned by Disney and all. But since this version of Wolverine is immune to telepathy (that's another trait this squid-Xavier has), he's able to send him back to that big sushi bar in the sky.

Once girls in school uniforms everywhere can safely uncross their legs, Dazzler gets to know her new alternate reality X-men. This is where Greg Pak's knack for dialog and wit really shines. We get some interesting hints that the Dazzler that Emmeline knows is less dazzling and more lurid. Perhaps she has a nickname like the Squirter, Assplug, or the Titonator. Okay, those are all titles in my porno collection, but infinite universes mean infinite possibilities, right? Kid Nightcrawler's world seems slightly less lurid. He claims his world is called the United States of California and Dazzler is a world famous accordion player. Picture that for a minute. Not just Dazzler playing the accordion, but a world where California runs the government. I imagine it's run by celebrities and rapidly defaulting on debt. Wait...okay, maybe it's not that different anyways.

I bring this up because it's a novel and much smoother way to explain these details without turning the story into a documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman. One of the things consistently awesome comic book writers tend to do is actually work the exposition into the story in between action scenes. It's not an easy thing to do, but Greg Pak (who kicked ass on Hulk for years mind you) shows off his ability to do so right here. Now it would have been much nicer if he included some of the other alternate characters he introduced like Storm and Armor. They just seemed to flat out disappear after the first page. But it's good he's exploring some of these characters and putting Dazzler in an awkward position in the process. But then again, she recently saw a guy in drag singing her songs. I imagine awkward is a relative term for her.

They eventually settle down and address the floating head Xavier that Kid Nightcrawler has been carrying around with him since the initial jump. He claims that by overloading all the dimensional gizmos that were used to keep their world in one piece, they've awakened countless other evil Xavier's not unlike the walking tentacle rape monster they just faced. And they need to hunt those Xaviers down and kill them before they start nosing around the dimensional gate. Dazzler is a little uncomfortable with the prospect of killing other Xaviers, but given her limited options and being at the mercy of a floating head she has to go along with it. I think there's a message here about following disembodied heads. I'm not sure how useful that message is, but I'm sure it's somewhere on Disney's list of morals to teach young children.

With guidance from the Xavier head, he takes his new team of dimensional hopping X-men through another gateway. Having just faced a tentacle monster, you would think they would be ready for anything. They end up in a world where Xavier and a few other notable Marvel figures have gotten way too much into Greek mythology because they welcome these dimensional travels with the same warmth as a North Korean envoy welcomes democracy protesters. How much worse is it than a tentacle monster? Well, we'll have to wait until the next issue to find out.

Xtreme X-men is not billed as being the same book it was under Chris Claremont. It's a unique book with a unique premise that allows it to operate without diving too deep in the shit storm continuity of the other X-books. In that sense it's a lot like Uncanny X-Force in that it involves 616, but it doesn't deal with the events in 616 directly. The added universe hopping also gives it a very Exiles-like feel, which if you're a fan of that series that was painfully canceled in it's prime should have a deep appreciation for what Greg Pak is doing here. You don't even have to read his Astonishing X-men arc. The first few pages pretty much set you up with the premise and the story unfolds from there. And by and large, it's a pretty awesome story.

It's a story that combines universe-hopping sci-fi with some clever wit, stunning visuals, and memorable dialog. The mental image of Dazzler playing the accordion or the state of California running America is enough to make this comic worth buying alone. It's a little disorganized at times. If you skip just one page of this issue, you'll be more lost than Paris Hilton at a lecture on quantum mechanics. In addition, the very premise of there being infinite universes makes it seem as though the solution to the problem with this broken Earth is too easy. Anyone who can even begin to wrap their head around infinite (a hit of acid helps) understands that there are more than enough prospective worlds for this broken world to inhabit. You don't get the sense that there are other sub-plots developing or any deeper friendships forming. That and the absence of Armor and Storm were a little off-putting.

However, Xtreme X-men #1 is still a solid introduction to an exciting and exotic new X-book. Greg Pak's talent for telling more sci-fi type stories really shines here. The characters are lovable and the action is engaging. You just can't go wrong with tentacle monsters. It's not a series that will overshadow the big events currently going on in the regular X-books with Avengers vs. X-men. It's also not a book that will match the drama or grit of Uncanny X-Force. But if you love alternate worlds, universe hopping, or just have an itch that only Exiles used to be able to reach then there's plenty to love about this comic. I give Xtreme X-men #1 a 4 out of 5. Greg Pak has undergone the labor pains of birthing a new X-men universe. Now it's time to wipe away the placenta, cut the umbilical chord, and enjoy this beautifully Xtreme baby. Nuff said!