X-men Supreme Reflections: Sage is LIVE!

There are certain characters in the vast X-men mythos who have never been sufficiently developed. In the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, I’ve done as much as I can to develop some of these characters. Some of these characters are essentially blank slates in that Marvel never really put a lot of energy into giving them a past and future with the larger X-men world. That’s entirely understandable. Given the popularity of characters like Wolverine and Storm, there isn’t always enough time or energy to develop all these characters. But sometimes, potentially great characters slip through the cracks. In X-men Supreme, however, I don’t want that to happen with characters who have the potential of Sage.

In the early 2000s, Chris Clarmeont and Grant Morrison were the primary architects of the X-men comics. They were also the last major X-men writers to give Sage major roles. There was a time when she rubbed elbows with Jean Grey, Cyclops, Storm, and Wolverine. Then, she just fell to the wayside for reasons that were never explained. That’s not to say she was thrown away. That tends to happen in the X-men comics with certain characters. But I always had a soft spot for Sage and when I started the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, I had a plan for her.

That plan began to unfold in X-men Supreme Issue 54: District X Part 3. In that issue, Sage became more than just a string of emails that had been communicating with Beast. I didn’t just want her to be the woman who broke up Beast and Storm. I wanted her to have her own unique backstory. It’s something the X-men comics haven’t really explored that much. But in order to best tell her story in X-men Supreme, I need to offer insight into who she was before she was ever involved with Beast, the X-men, or the Inner Circle.

I gave a major clue to that backstory during the Civilization No Longer Lost arc in X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths. In that arc, Sage revealed some of her sordid history with Sebastian Shaw and the Inner Circle. She revealed that she had once been cold, calculating, and ruthless in her ambitions. She was once the kind of woman that the X-men would’ve fought against. It was a difficult test for her relationship with Beast. That dark period in her life even came back to haunt her and the X-men in the Fantomex arc.

But what led Sage into this dark world? How did she end up becoming so ruthless and cold? And how did she escape that world? That’s a story that requires more insight into a character that hasn’t been prominent in the X-men comics for over a decade. But it’s an important story to the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I know Sage does have a loyal contingent of fans, as many X-men characters do. This entry of X-men Supreme Reflections will give her a story that shows who she is and how she got to this point. It’s a story I look forward to exploring in later issues.

X-men Supreme Reflections: Sage

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series has given me many opportunities to develop characters that wouldn’t otherwise be developed in other mediums of X-men. As a fan, it has given me an even greater appreciation for these characters. It has also given me a greater appreciation of the sheer breadth of the X-men mythos. There’s so much to explore and it continues to expand every month. I doubt I’ll ever be able to encompass every area of the X-men’s universe, but I’ll certainly do my best to make the areas I do explore as awesome as possible.

And that’s why getting feedback from readers is so important. Like I said, Sage has a loyal contingent of fans. I really do hope to hear from them and every other X-men fan with this entry of X-men Supreme Reflections. Either contact me directly with your comments or post them directly in the comments section. Either way is fine. I’m always happy to chat. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Reflections: Sage PREVIEW!

Throughout the history of X-men, there are certain characters who simply slip into obscurity. They're not neglected or negated. They're just set aside and forgotten about. Given the size and scope of X-men, that's to be expected. But sometimes, that means potentially great characters don't get a chance to realize their greatness. WIth the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, I hope to provide opportunities to some of those characters. I was able to do it with Thunderbird back in X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. He's a character who was unceremoniously killed off in the earlier days of X-men. I took him and made him a vital component to the development of the X-men in X-men Supreme. Now, I want to do something similar for Sage.

There was a time in the early 2000s where Sage was a semi-major character in the X-men comics. But, like so many other X-men characters, she fell to the wayside and slipped into obscurity. I always felt she had more potential than Marvel attempted to realize. So I wanted her to have a major role in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series at some point. She eventually found that role as Hank McCoy's secret love interest. This role emerged out of the events of the Uprising arc in X-men Supreme Volume 1: Mutant Revolution. It caused significant strain between Beast and Storm, who had been dating at the time. Eventually, that strain proved to be too much and that relationship ended during the Cajun Chaos arc.

However, the strain Sage caused for Beast eventually became something more meaningful. They continued corresponding over the internet for a while. Then, it finally blossomed into something deeper. They finally came face-to-face in X-men Supreme Issue 54: District X Part 3. On that fateful moment, Sage and Beast became romantically involved. As such, her story became entwined with the X-men.

Throughout this tumultuous process, I've revealed a few bits and pieces about who Sage is in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. In addition to aiding the X-men through Beast, she's also one of the founding members of District X, the mutant community in New York City. With her telepathy and computer-like mind, she helps manage this community with Bishop, Jubilee, and Multiple. That makes her an important ally to the X-men. She seeks to aid mutants and foster peaceful coexistance with humans. However, this is only a sliver of Sage's story in X-men Supreme.

During the events of X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths, I began digging a little deeper into Sage's personal journey. It happened in the Civilization No Longer Lost arc. In a side-story that took place in conjunction with the Nova Roma conflict, it was revealed that Sage had close ties to Sebastian Shaw and the Inner Circle. She admitted outright to Beast that she once navigated this dark world. Moreover, she did it willingly. She did it out of greed and ambition. These activities eventually led to the development of Fantomex during the Weapon Plus arc. These developments have put a significant burden on her in a way that even her powerful mind can't process.

But what led to that burden? Why did Sage enter the dark world of the Inner Circle in X-men Supreme? After what she went through in X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Truths, I think this is the best possible time to explore her character in the pages of X-men Supreme Reflections. So for those Sage fans who haven't gotten a lot from Marvel, this is for you. I've prepared a preview that should offer some insight into who this woman is in the world of X-men Supreme.

Hank McCoy has it figured out. Even if the equation of life is unsolvable, he’s solved more of it than I ever will. He’s a brilliant man, but he’s able to balance that brilliance with a powerful sense of humility. He can be feral one moment and intellectual the next, never fully losing control of his faculties. I once tried to calculate the chances of me meeting someone like him. The sum had so many digits I got a headache. I then tried to calculate the chances of me falling in love with him. That number was incalculable, even for me.

At one point in my life I thought I wasn’t equipped to love. That’s not to say I was bitter or anything. I just didn’t think I had that program loaded into my brain. Hank McCoy changed that. He’s reached me on an intellectual and emotional level I never thought possible. It’s not like I was incapable of emotion. I just had it turned off most of my life.

Only a handful of people know the details of my life. Hank is among the elite few. I live a life under two names. Most of the world knows me as Tessa. That’s the name I chose for myself. That’s the name I’ve gone by for most of my teenage and adult life. Sage is the name I was born with. It’s actually not my only name. I was born Diana Sage Fox. It’s a name you won’t find in many databases or records. I’ve worked very hard to keep it that way. At an early age, I learned the value of anonymity.

I was born into a war torn world. My father was a diplomat and my mother was a computer programmer in what was once Yugoslavia. I arrived just in time to witness the waning years of the Soviet Union. I barely had a chance to meet my father. He was killed by a Serbian sniper when I was three. I don’t remember much about him so I didn’t have time to get attached. It sure turned my mother off. She always seemed detached, as if she had turned off her emotions. It was a trick I would later utilize in a more advanced fashion.

My whole childhood was a progression of chaos and conflict. I lived with my mother in a small one-room apartment. It was in the middle of an area wrought with ethnic wars, guerrilla attacks, and political strife. My mother used to work for the old Soviet government. When that went under she got a job working for the failing Yugoslavian government. It was like being a janitor on a sinking ship. She never felt at ease. She was always looking over her shoulder. I remember one time when I was five I dropped a dish onto the floor and it shattered. My mother reacted like it was a live grenade and rushed me into a nearby closet. It took a while for her to be convinced that it was nothing serious. It would set the tone for a very sheltered life.

While my mother was paranoid, she did find ways to keep me out of trouble. Since there weren’t many toys to play with, she gave me old computer parts to fool around with. I didn’t know what they were at the time. I would just take them apart, put them together, and plug them in to watch the blinking lights. It wasn’t the most entertaining activity in the world, but it did begin my fascination with computers. It was a fascination that would become a big part of my life.

I never made my mother’s life difficult. I let her be paranoid while I learned as much as I could about computers. By the time I was seven, I created my first integrated circuit. By the time I was nine I was writing my first programming codes. By the time I was twelve I made my first full working computer. In many ways my computer was my best friend. It was so ordered and predictable, based in the cold facts of math and physics. It was a welcome reprieve from the chaos that had consumed my surroundings.

I never developed much of a social life. I wasn’t a complete recluse, but I did come off as strange to other kids my age. I spent so much time around computers that I acted like one at times. I was like a machine, disciplined and focused.

I remember one time when my mother took me out to the markets, we passed by a field with a bunch of kids playing soccer. My mother asked if I wanted to play. I told her I didn’t. We kept walking. Then one of the kids kicked the ball so hard that it flew over the goal and hit me right in the head. My mother overreacted of course, but I shut it out. When two boys came over to get their ball, they apologized. I told them it was no big deal and gave them their ball back. They were a little troubled by my demeanor because I had a rather noticeable bruise on my head. Boys being boys, they poked at me and asked if it hurt. I told them it did. I wasn’t wincing or anything so they didn’t believe me. From there it got ugly.

They started teasing me, trying to make me express the pain I was feeling. It was definitely there, but I didn’t allow it to process. Soon those boys were cursing me out, calling me a freak because I couldn’t understand the concept of pain. My mother had to forcibly restrain those boys to get them to stop. The whole time I didn’t show a lick of emotion. It didn’t just disturb those boys. It worried my mother as well.

Perhaps I should have been concerned. It seemed like an anomaly, a girl walking around with the demeanor of a machine. It was the first sign to me and my mother that I was not normal. It didn’t bother me because I was still young. I hadn’t learned to process the finer details of human social norms. That would be a challenge for most of my life. It was that failure to process my own humanity that led me down a very dark path.

There are a lot of characters like Sage in the X-men mythos who haven't really had a chance to shine. By giving them more prominent roles in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series, it helps me set this world of X-men apart from the ongoing story in the comics. There's are so many characters and stories to explore. I doubt I'll ever be able to get to them all. But that's not going to stop me from trying. And that's not going to stop me from making characters like Sage as awesome as they can be. But in order to know if I'm making them sufficiently awesome, it's important that I get feedback and reviews from readers. Either contact me directly with your comments or post them in each issue. Either way is fine. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

X-men Supreme Issue 119: Deceptive Dealings PREVIEW and Bios Updates!

The X-men Supreme fanfiction series is nearing one of its most critical moments in its five-year history. When this moment manifests, X-men Supreme will firmly set itself apart from any other form of X-men. It’ll have something that has never been seen in the comics, movies, or cartoon. It’ll become something that no other form of X-men has ever become. It’s a moment that has its roots in events going all the way back to X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. Now all these conflicts and the progression of numerous characters is about to converge in a major way. When all is said and done, the world of X-men Supreme will never be the same.

Now don’t take this to mean that the X-men in this fanfiction series will be unrecognizable. I’ve seen one too many Marvel Comics events that try to change and distort the X-men too much. The same often happens with the Avengers, Spider-Man, and the Fantastic Four. There’s a big difference between changing the direction of a story and distorting the narrative. One is constructive. The other is destructive. I’ve tried to avoid the latter in X-men Supreme. Events like Magneto’s uprising on Genosha, the battle against Weapon X, or the battle against the Cambrian were intended to challenge the X-men into going in new directions. The way they operate changes. The way the team interacts with one another changes. But the fundamental narrative of the X-men does not change.

That’s something I think Marvel loses track of from time to time. That’s something even other comic companies like DC lose track of as well. They try to make heroes like the X-men too different from what they are at their core. I’m going to try and avoid that with X-men Supreme. But this upcoming conflict is going to shake things up in ways that will both shock and intrigue readers. It was set into motion the moment the Black Queen was defeated on Nova Roma. Now it’s about to manifest in a terrifying way.

The architect of this moment is Sinister, one of the X-men’s most devious and dangerous enemies. It could be argued that Sinister is a far more dangerous enemy than someone like Magneto. Whereas Magneto has a greater vision for mutants as a whole, Sinister’s agenda is more obscure. He’s willing to deceive, torment, and manipulate anyone he has to in order to get what he wants. And with the death of the Black Queen, his desires have become much darker. And the X-men are about to find out in a very painful way. The darkest hour of the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is set to begin. And as always, I’ve prepared a preview of the beginning of this dark and pivotal turn.

“Mission log entry 15. The incident with Weapon Plus has added some bizarre twists to this all-around shit storm. Being dragged away to put down Fantomex was more than just inconvenient. It proved General Grimshaw correct on multiple levels. Not only was Colonel Wraith full of shit. His work confirmed some of the General’s other suspcisions as well. He believed there were some shady dealings with Shaw Industries involving mutant research. According to the statement that Professor Xavier gave the MSA, the techno-organic material that made Fantomex originated from Shaw Industries. Officially, that research was abandoned. Unofficially, Shaw kept working on it. Now sonny boy, Shanobi Shaw, seems to be using it as well. I’m not sure who is pulling the strings here. That’s why I’m here at Shaw Biotech where I hope to find some answers before another Fantomex screws everything up.”

Captain Jack Freeman put away his recorder before entering the vast complex. It was late at night in this remote part of New Mexico. Keeping records of his mission in facilities this secure was tricky. For something that was officially off the books, it was necessary. After the battle against Fantomex, he was content to return to missions more befitting of a soldier rather than that of a mutant.

He entered the facility with ease. Using his adaptive body, he pulled off another high altitude jump from a stealth helicopter to land on the roof of the complex. He then placed a special device he borrowed from the CIA near a fuse, which would scramble the sensors and allow him to enter without tripping the alarms. Shaw Industries was notorious for using security measures that put some military installations to shame. For systems this elaborate, they had to be hiding more than just trade secrets.

“You never make it easy for me, Shaw. Wish I was used to it by now, but you just insist on being a gigantic prick,” mused the mutant soldier.

With the sensors scrambled, Captain Freeman forced his way through the top level stair-case near the air conditioner ducts. As soon as he was in, he stayed on his guard and made his way down the stairs. According to the mission details, what he was looking for was on the eighth floor. It required him to cut across a few security barriers and take out a few guards, which was pretty standard for a Shaw Industries facility. If the information he needed was as valuable as he was told, then he had a long night ahead of him.

“Here we go again,” he sighed as he prepared to enter the danger.

The Green Beret approached the door to the eighth level. He had only non-lethal weapons at his disposal. His orders were not to kill anyone. That would bring way too much scrutiny to his mission. Armed only with a special stun gun and his fists, he opened the door and did a quick scan of the area. That was when he confronted an unexpected sight.

“What the fuck?” said Captain Freeman in confusion.

It appeared someone else had done his work for him. As soon as he entered the main hallway, he saw the unconscious bodies of several guards strewn along the floors. They were all lying motionless, but there was no blood or signs of a struggle. It was as if someone had just put them into a deep sleep. Looking around more urgently, he also saw that the security cameras weren’t on and the barriers in front of him had already been breached. Something was definitely wrong here.

“Well this is a disturbingly convenient.”

The Green Beret took a defensive stance and cautiously approached the first security barrier. It was composed largely of bullet-proof safety glass and a vast array of motion sensors. Whoever managed to break through had to have strength beyond human. It meant he may be dealing with another Fantomex-level threat.

He had only begun to scan the damage done to the barrier. Then he sensed a presence approach him from behind. Just as his soldier instincts kicked in, two powerful arms tried to grab him.

“Oh no you don’t!” exclaimed Captain Freeman as he quickly ducked out of the way.

“Talking to yourself is a piss poor tactic for a soldier,” said an obscured figure.

“What I lack in tactics, I make up for with this.”

The Green Beret adapted his body to be more durable. Setting aside his stun gun, he did a quick spin move and struck the shadowy figure with a punishing body blow. He hit flesh, but it felt more like he had struck a slab of granite. The figure was only momentarily stunned, clearly not expecting to be hit so hard. He recovered quickly and hit back, pulling off a sweep kick that forced Captain Freeman to jump back.

Undaunted, the mutant soldier attacked again, going for the head and neck. The figure blocked and countered with a knee to the gut. Grunting through the pain, Captain Freeman responded with an uppercut to the jaw. Both blows hit with a force that would have shattered the bones of regular humans, indicating they needed to use more force than expected.

“I don’t care if you got a head start. You will not keep me from my mission!” yelled Captain Freeman.

“A head start?” questioned the figure, “You think I’m the one that…”

The mutant soldier didn’t wait for him to finish. He adapted his body again to gain more speed and mass. He then charged the figure head on. His enemy hesitated for some reason, causing him to take the brunt of the hit. Captain Freeman laid into him with so much force he drove him through the hole in the barrier and pushed him through several others, stopping only when they reached what looked like a clean room. In this area there was more light so both Captain Freeman and his attacker could identify one another.

“Ungh…you?” grunted the unidentified man.

“You who? Do I know you?” grunted Captain Freeman as he kept the man pinned.

“I know you. You’re Jack Freeman…General Grimshaw’s worst kept secret.”

“So you watch Fox News. All the more reason to crush your spine.”

“You’re talking to an Apache warrior. I don’t crush easily. You’re lucky I’m on a mission too because I think there’s been a hell of a misunderstanding.”

In the light of the clean room, Captain Freeman took in the appearance of this man. He was a tall, imposing Native American with a bandana and a strange uniform that didn’t look military garb. The fact his body hadn’t been shattered from Captain Freeman’s attacks indicated he was a mutant of sorts. He demonstrated enhanced strength as well, shoving the Green Beret off him and returning to his feet.

“My name is James Proudstar, but you can call me Warpath,” he said.

“I’ll call you Donald Duck if I want. Whatever mission you’re on, it’s interfering with an official military investigation,” said Captain Freeman, taking a defensive stance.

“Whatever mission you’re on, it’s interfering with something very personal so we’re even,” retorted Warpath, “Now I’m more than inclined to kick your ass and ship what’s left to Iran, but right now I’ll settle for an explanation.”

“What’s there to explain? You broke in before me and tried to steal what you’re not authorized to steal.”

“Ignoring for a second the flawed concept of being authorized to steal, I did not break in before you. I infiltrated this area from the basement and it was already like this when I got here.”

“I may have been held back a few times in grade school, but even I’m not stupid enough to believe that,” spat Captain Freeman.

“I don’t give a damn if you do. I came in here thinking you were the one who broke in ahead of me. But that could only mean someone else beat us both to the punch.”

Captain Freeman was confused now. He wasn’t sure whether to believe this guy or go straight to an aggressive interrogation. Warpath carried himself like a hardened soldier. He knew the signs and he seemed just as defensive, which couldn’t be faked in his experience. If he was right, then that had some disturbing implications.

While the two men struggled to make sense of this situation, they heard another noise from behind the final security barrier. This area was locked down tightly, consisting of a reinforced metal door with no fewer than five heavy locks. It was built like a bank vault so it would take more than just a crow bar to force it open. That was why the two men were very surprised to notice that it had already been forced open.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me!” groaned Captain Freeman as he saw this.

“Quiet!” said Warpath in a hushed tone, “You gave yourself away earlier. Don’t do it again.”

Now more curious than frustrated, Captain Freeman approached the opened door. Warpath moved out in front of him, armed with a large knife that he had kept in a holster near his hip. He was every bit as apprehensive, sensing another hostile presence in this area. If it was as hostile as Captain Freeman, they both had to be ready.

Ready to attack, Warpath forced open the door and stormed into the area. He and Captain Freeman entered what appeared to be a computer archive. They took no more than three steps before stopping again to discover what they expected to find. There was indeed another presence in this facility that beat both of them to the punch. When they saw who it was, they were left equally stunned.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me!” exclaimed Warpath.

“Now you’re copying me? Some Apache warrior you are,” quipped Captain Freeman.

The two men were now staring down an equally confused figure, who had been hunched over a series of computers. It was a woman this time. She was dressed in all black, had pale skin, and a distinct white streak in her hair that allowed them to identify her quickly.

“So you boys were causin’ that racket outside?” said Rogue in a befuddled tone, “Dang, this is awkward. Since Ah was here first Ah guess Ah owe you fellas an explanation.”

As X-men Supreme nears this pivotal moment, I also want to make sure I offer plenty of content so that the stakes are clear. This means an overdue update for the bios section of the X-men Supreme website. I know it's a section I've negated for a while. There have been a number of characters who have been introduced lately and I haven't kept up with the updates. For this, I apologize and I hope to get things back on track, starting with X-23 and Sage.

X-23 is a character who first showed up in X-men Supreme Issue 97: Uneasy Truce. She then joined the Academy of Tomorrow at the conclusion of the Weapon Plus arc. There's a lot about her life that I haven't been able to explore. The same goes for Sage. The Weapon Plus arc exposed a lot of dark secrets about her life. There were some details I didn't get to explore and I hope this entry in the bios section helps fill in the details.

X-23 Official Bio

Sage Official Bio

This is a critical time for X-men Supreme. The outcome of this moment and the response I get (or lack thereof) will determine if I continue this fanfiction series beyond Volume 5. I certainly do have ideas for stories beyond X-men Supreme Volume 5: Dark Turths. But these stories will explore a very different world for the X-men. And it’s a world I want to make as awesome as possible. So please remember to take the time to provide feedback. I always appreciate input from readers. Either contact me directly or post your comments directly in the issues. Either way is fine and I’m always happy to chat. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Xtreme X-men #12 - Universe-Crumbling Awesome

Every so often you find yourself in a situation where a long list of shitty circumstances converge right on your asshole and make you wish you were dead, gay, or comatose. We've all had bad days, but there are bad days when you get stuck in traffic on your way to work and the kinds of days where an ex-girlfriend, an IRS agent, and a New York City judge kick in your door at six in the morning while hung over. Comic book characters have these days all the time. Hell, they're probably akin to our typical Monday. But some just have a special kind of suck that makes you wonder whether they have a good therapist or an even better pot dealer.

Dazzler just began having one of those days at the end of Xtreme X-men #11. Up to that point, things had been going pretty damn well for her. She proved herself a capable leader of her team, she took down what she believed to be the final evil Charles Xavier, and she got to hook up with a black Cyclops. So she got to kill a Nazi and piss off the KKK in the same day. Hell, that's as good as they come for a pretty blond these days. But just when it seemed like this journey was over for her, the Xavier-in-a-Jar that had been guiding her through this mission from the beginning decided to say, "Fuck it! You're all screwed!" It made for a somewhat random and incoherent ending. However, it set the stage for the final stage of Greg Pak's Xtreme X-men. It's bittersweet in that a series that turned Dazzler from just another pretty blond into a kick-ass team leader is nearing its end, but to even get to the end she's gotta have one last shitty day.

This shitty day begins in Xtreme X-men #12 with the team's arrival at another exotic location. This time they end up in an Ancient Egyptian setting. But it's not the Disney's Aladdin type setting. This shit involves slaves and back-breaking labor, basically the kind of shit that Walt Disney didn't want to show kids until they were able to become underpaid interns. Now right off the bad we're not told how they got to this point. We know Xavier-in-a-Jar linked up with Nazi Xavier and Wizard Xavier in the last issue, but we don't know why they ended up in Egypt. I'm guessing the only way they felt their egos could be sufficiently supported is with pyramids and big ass statues. It's not the first time we haven't been told how Dazzler's team showed up in a new world, but since they're already in the midst of a pretend-to-be-captured-as-slaves plan to get them close to the evil Xaviers it kind of feels jarring.

However, the plot quickly settles as we find out that the evil Xavier's are already making their mark by having slaves carve their bald heads into monuments. I assume they're planning on statues depicting their undersized dicks too, but right now the priority is their ego and tapping into a rift in the space-time continuum. I'm assuming the statues of their dicks are a close third, but that rift is poised to be their way of giving the finger to the multi-verse. As evil Xaviers, they're never content to just have an army of slaves and monuments to their dicks. They need to fuck over multiple universes. All I can say to that is their dicks must be smaller than I thought.

After watching the evil Xavier's throw some slaves into the rift and compliment one another on how big their dicks are, Dazzler and her teams maintain their cover. They allow the Xaviers to keep jerking each other off while they formulate a plan. Later that night, Dazzler muses on how she fucked up by assuming they had killed 10 evil Xaviers when they only killed 9. While she may fail math and be subjected to any number of dumb blond jokes, she is committed to making it right and her team is committed to standing by her. It shows that she really has won over this group of dimensionally displaced X-men and not because she has a great rack either.

The novelty should have worn off by now, but I can't help but take note of it every time I see it. Dazzler really has come a long way as a character since this series started. She's gone from that other cute blond not named Emma Frost to a capable leader that can fight an army of evil Charles Xaviers and still make you want to smell her panties. She's no Lara Croft or Black Widow. She's her own leader and if given the choice between following her or Cyclops, I would definitely follow her and not just because Emma Frost might castrate me for staring at her rack too much. Dazzler really has become something special and I hope that continues after the end of this series.

The next morning, the team puts Dazzler's plan into motion. It's pretty basic, boiling down to causing a slave riot and pissing off the evil Xaviers as much as possible. It really doesn't take much convincing to inspire all the slaves to rise up against their bald, baby-dick oppressors. And in the process of causing such a commotion, they give Dazzler plenty of noise to work with. Given the growth in her leadership skills, it's easy to forget that she has some pretty potent powers as well in turning noise to energy. In the desert, there are not boom boxes with Pandora radio. So they have to create their noise and it works almost as well as dubstep.

Armed with all this noise, Dazzler attacks the evil Xaviers near their Sphinx statue where the rift in the universe is growing. Evil Wizard Xavier and Nazi Xavier are unimpressed and are still probably looking forward to how big the statue of their dicks are going to be. But during the attack, Dazzler also manages to get Xavier-in-a-Jar away from them. This then allows Hercules to do to these two evil Xaviers what every gay man in the world wishes they could do to the Westboro Baptist Church and bury them under a pile of rubble.

It's not the most epic battle, especially considering how much it took to take these two evil Xavier's down in the previous issues. You could say that Dazzler has just become so proficient at hunting down evil Xaviers that it's like being adopted by Angelina Jolie at this point. It just isn't all that shocking. But in terms of epic scale, this battle is somewhat lacking even if it is still satisfying to see Hercules bury the evil Xaviers.

Even if the battle isn't all that epic, it certainly doesn't end the threat of the evil Xaviers. Xavier-in-a-Jar informs Dazzler that they had already tapped a good chunk of that power from the rift and they're as unstoppable as the IRS at Wesley Snipe's front door. In order to keep the battle semi-fair, Dazzler and black Cyclops try to use their powers to close the rift. I don't know the physics of how that shit works, but given this is a series that involves hopping across universes with a floating head I'm pretty sure I can keep using my old high school physics textbook to roll joints.

But the two evil Xaviers aren't keen on letting someone fuck up their power source. Not when they're this close to finally getting a statue proclaiming how big their dicks are. After digging themselves out of the pile of rubble Hercules buried them under, they blast Dazzler and black Cyclops away from the rift and prepare to absorb more power. They seem poised to improve their evil wizard and Nazi abilities to cosmic proportions. But like using the pages of your physics books to roll joints, physics ends up screwing them over when they're tested on it.

For reasons that would probably still get any physics student a failing grade, the rift in the continuum decides it doesn't like evil wizards or Nazis and incinerates them. It's a rather inglorious way for these assholes to go, but since there have already been a couple comics that shows these two failing in epic fashion it's not too disappointing to see them fall in such an unglamorous way. And with two more evil Xaviers dead, that means this shit is finally over, right? Well if you read the last issue, you know what that sort of attitude will get you. And unlike last issue, Dazzler doesn't even get a chance to hook up with a black man.

For more reasons that aren't explained, the rift gets pissed off and starts sucking in everything like a Kardashian back stage at the NBA All-Star game. It sucks in all the slaves and innocent people that Dazzler and her team were trying to liberate. They try in vain to save them, but Xavier-in-a-Jar has to be a dick again and just teleports them to another part of the dimensional rift. It leaves them trapped while all those innocent people are poised to suffer at the hands of whatever power was trying to get through. We don't find out what it is. We only find out that it ties into the X-Terminators event. It's not a twist like the end of the previous issue, but it sets the stage for a big event and that's just as awesome!

Remember what I said about Dazzler having to have one last shitty day? Well, I should have added one little caveat. Shitty days often come in bunches so even if you're the last leg of a mission, you can't expect any shit storm to end in just one day. It's like the heavens get constipated and have to dump their load at some point. You just gotta be ready for it and after reading this issue, I get the sense that Dazzler and her team weren't ready in the slightest. That's not necessarily a bad thing because it ended up putting them in a position to play a major role in X-Terminator. It also helped finish what they only thought they finished in the previous issue. They killed more evil Xaviers, but it would be too easy for them to just go back and have Dazzler swap more spit with black Cyclops.

Xtreme X-men #12 was solid in that it continued the theme of taking Dazzler's team to exotic locations. Maybe being slaves in Ancient Egypt isn't the most exotic place they could have gone, especially considering how they visited the old West and encountered a My Little Pony Charles Xavier at one point. But it seemed fitting when you consider a Nazi and an evil wizard are involved. Hell, it might end up being the plot of the next Indiana Jones movie if Spielberg and George Lucas directed it while on crack. However, the action was still somewhat lacking and the epic feeling that we've seen with plenty of other Xtreme X-men battles just wasn't there. It was like only watching the third quarter of a football game. The most exciting possibilities were somewhat lost in between.

With Xtreme X-men ending and Greg Pak moving on to write Batman/Superman for DC Comics, I understand that the next few issues will be as precious as Natalie Portman's breast milk. It hasn't been an easy journey for Dazzler, going from just another big-boobed blond in a comic book to being a big-boob blond that can kick ass and lead an army of slaves against an evil wizard and a Nazi. Greg Pak has flexed that twisted imagination of his throughout this journey of hers and on behalf of everyone who has ever taken a hallucinogen, I thank him for it. But this issue still left me wanting more. I know it's going to be resolved during X-Terminators, but at the same time I weep at the realization I may not read another X-men comic where a hot blond kills a Nazi for a long time. I give Xtreme X-men #12 a 3 out of 5. I guess with a name like Xtreme, this series can only go out as part of a crossover event. It doesn't involve a Nazi, but it does involve more alternate universe mischief and a version of Jean Grey that hasn't been laid in a while. In that sense, I have high hopes for the end of Xtreme X-men and the future of the X-books! Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #11 - Counting Down Awesome

It’s no secret that comics and sci-fi regularly abuse the immutable laws of physics, biology, and common sense to tell a good story. It’s no secret that fanfiction writers will abuse those laws even further to tell even more elaborate stories, many of them ending up in homoerotic smut fics. Some stories are more guilty of this abuse than others and unlike the Vatican, they don’t have the luxury of hiding behind holy or diplomatic immunity. It is possible to be a total douche and nitpick these inconsistencies. I’ve been guilty of that in the past. But for a series like Xtreme X-men, I’m willing to take a few extra shots of whiskey and enjoy the twisted tales that ooze from Greg Pak’s imagination.

Let’s not kid ourselves. A series that has Dazzler as team leader, a gay Wolverine, and a black Cyclops in a story that involves traversing alternate universes with an Xavier-in-a-Jar is going to abuse a lot of logic. Hell, it’s the kind of abuse that would make Spock’s head explode. But that doesn’t matter because Greg Pak has found a way to make it incredibly awesome. He doesn’t just rely on the sheer ridiculousness of the series to be the appeal. He actually does maintain a common story that involves hunting down evil Charles Xaviers, being tested on a physical and emotional level, and even a little romance. And even though the story and the series is poised to end while Greg Pak jumps the Marvel ship to write Batman/Superman, it has been an awesome ride that can only be matched by riding a go-kart on an acid trip.

Keeping with the tradition of utterly obscene incarnations of these characters that usually aren’t found outside of fanfiction, Greg Pak took a page out of the Uncanny Avengers playbook and got Nazis involved in the previous issue. Dazzler and her team of X-men have faced some pretty fucked up Charles Xaviers in their quest, including an evil wizard Xavier and a My Little Pony Xavier. I could not make that shit up with all the weed in Amsterdam. But now they’re facing a Nazi Charles Xavier, who happens to be in a spat with a Japanese version of Namor. However, it isn’t as clear cut as your typical Call of Duty mission. Nazi Xavier claims to be the victim of Namor’s aggression and is trying to protect what is left of his people, which happen to reside near a sunken version of London. And as Uncanny Avengers #4 showed us, even Nazis can make valid points for being assholes.

Dazzler and her team are now stuck in between two very powerful forces that have absolutely no problems horribly maiming people and masturbating with their entrails. In Xtreme X-men #11, they end up having to rescue the innocent civilians that Nazi Xavier wasn’t lying about. I know, a Nazi telling the truth is a fucked up concept, but in Xtreme X-men you probably won’t bat an eye. On the same week when the Red Skull correctly points out all the disturbing ways America sucks, it’s pretty distressing to see Nazi’s telling the truth. They’re still assholes so Dazzler doesn’t stop attacking Nazi Xavier, leaving the safety of the civilians to her team. And you know you’ve become a strong leader when you’re willing to take on a Nazi single-handedly. But does anyone else see the irony that the characters that fight Nazi’s the most, Captain America and the unapologetically blond Dazzler, are basically the Aryans that Nazi’s love? Anyone? Or am I still drunk?

Irony aside, Nazi Xavier actually does something the Red Skull didn’t do and reminded readers of why Nazi’s suck in the first place. While Dazzler is attacking him, he gives her a brief synopsis of what happens to a world when Charles Xavier is a Nazi. This time you don’t find anything you can’t find in a Call of Duty game or a History Channel WWII documentary. A charismatic leader, who has the luxury of actually controlling minds, comes to power to save his country from corruption, invasion, and economic collapse. Basically, he’s the kind of guy the Tea Party would fucking love…except, you know, he’s a Nazi. And unlike the Red Skull, he was actually able to beat all his enemies, including Captain America. For a while, he succeeded where Hitler failed miserably. He claimed he was beloved by the free world, although he did mention that he purged his own party of people he thought were threats or just didn’t like. I’m sure it’s the kind of shit that right-wing Republicans only wish they could do so you can easily assume he was still an asshole dictator.

For a brief moment, everything is all peace, love, and Disney cartoons for everyone that isn’t a minority. Everybody had peace and order. Anything that threatened it was either dead or waiting to die in concentration camps. Then Atlantis thought this would be the perfect time to launch an attack and flood the world. Because when better to attack the surface than a time when Nazis are in charge and always looking for an excuse to blow shit up? Maybe they should have waited until hippies ruled the world. It was too late though. Xavier and his Nazi buddies blew the shit out of Atlantis in ways only asshole Nazis would. For some reason, Namor had a problem with that. And that, my friends, is why Namor wants to murder his ass. You don’t usually need an excuse to want to kill a Nazi, but it helps when you’ve got a pretty damn good one, as Namor certainly does.

Dazzler still offers no sympathy to Nazi Xavier. But she is forced to stop trying to kill him when Namor launches another attack that puts the civilians in mortal danger. For most people, saving lives and killing Nazis is a tough choice. But being the leader she’s become, Dazzler chooses to help these petrified civilians, even if they were likely brainwashed by Nazi propaganda for most of their lives. However, it doesn’t take long for them to have yet another reason to want to maim Nazi Xavier. Not surprisingly, he was pro-slavery and had a cell full of African slaves. It may have been more accurate to use Jews or gays, but I guess in this universe Nazis and the KKK have rubbed elbows (and other body parts) to favor a more racist approach. For any number of reasons, black Cyclops had a problem with this and now the race is on to see who channel their inner Captain America the fastest.

Unfortunately, Nazi hunting season is delayed by that pesky Japanese Namor who is still trying to sink the island and drown their asses. He could care less that he’s drowning innocent people as long as he kills himself a Nazi. Given what Nazi Xavier did to Atlantis, this is understandable even if it is a dick move. But Dazzler and her team aren’t in an understanding mood. So as the island is starting to crumble, they converge on Namor. Hercules adds the muscle that probably gives Wolverine a raging boner while Dazzler and Black Cyclops supply the firepower, which helps gives the readers a boner. So even if you’re not into the gay thing or voted for Rick Santorum, your dick and/or clit has no reason to not be happy.

Because of the threat posed by Namor, Dazzler and her team are essentially fighting a two-front battle. This helps add an additional element of complexity to the action, which could have easily been your typical heroes vs. Nazis gimmick. But by forcing Dazzler’s team to fight both foes instead of just one, it adds to the overall epicness of the story. It’s one thing to just fight a superpowered Nazi. It’s quite another to fight him while he’s fighting a pissed off Namor. It essentially rescinds anyone’s right to ever make a blond joke about Dazzler ever again.

But by beating Namor, they’ve effectively committed the ultimate sin in the eyes of America, short of marrying Michael Moore and becoming a spy for Iran. They helped a Nazi. While beating Namor did help keep the island from falling apart, it allowed Nazi Xavier to move in for the kill. He’s not just content with Dazzler’s team beating Namor up. He wants to kill his Japanese ass. He begins to do just that with the help of his telepathy once he’s down. Then Dazzler once again gives the finger to blond stereotypes by using her powers to guard her mind, a power which she hadn’t demonstrated before, and killing Nazi Xavier by stabbing him right in the back. I imagine there are few ways more satisfying to kill a Nazi without choking them with Hitler’s colon.

While helping him may have been necessary for their survival, the mission was still to kill another evil Xavier and Dazzler once again proved to be the antithesis of Paris Hilton by getting the job done. Hell, even Nazi Xavier is impressed, saying she would have been a great asset to an Aryan breeding program. I guess coming from a Nazi, that’s the highest compliment a woman can receive.

While Xavier is dead, Namor is still pretty roughed up. And he clearly hasn’t forgotten that it was Dazzler’s team that roughed him up. But Dazzler takes a careful and diplomatic approach in dealing with the guy who tried to sink the island. She reminds him that it was Nazi Xavier that blew up his country and it was Nazi Xavier that he wanted to kill. While he has a knack for holding a grudge (sinking entire islands definitely qualifies as an overreaction), he opts to take a rain check this time. She even offers to celebrate and/or mourn with them. He declines, indicating that this Japanese Namor may not have the same fetish for blonds that we’re used to. He leaves Dazzler’s team and the survivors. It would have been nice if he at least faked an apology to these people for nearly getting them killed, but this is Namor. Even in alternate universes, he’s not going to humble himself unless it involves a woman he wants to bone.

Later on, the adrenaline wears off and the team finally has a chance to settle with the survivors. Xavier-in-a-Jar tells the team that their mission is finally complete. They were tasked with traversing the multi-verse and killing 10 evil Xaviers and they succeeded. If it sounds anti-climatic, it is. If you think that’s really the end of it, then you must be one of those fans who sends money to Nigerian princes in hopes of recouping a lost lotto prize so this must be a sad moment for you.

Even if it isn’t, Dazzler takes some time to reflect on how far she’s come. When this series started, she was just another pretty blond who occasionally showed up in the X-books to give Emma Frost a breather. Greg Pak has turned her into a kick-ass leader and the thought of just going back to her world and back to being some Lady Gaga wannabe doesn’t sit right. This leads her to having a nice moment with black Cyclops and by nice moment I mean they decide to swap a little spit. It’s an image that would make the KKK or Tony Perkins recoil with disgust, a pretty blond kissing a black man who isn’t a star athlete or rapper. And while I’m all for hot blonds bringing the races closer together, this moment felt a little random and a bit hallow. Granted, Dazzler did admire black Cyclops in the previous issue. But the kiss still feels a bit rushed. There’s no sense of high drama or anything. It could have been much more powerful for the both of them, but it ends up falling a little flat. But still, it’s Dazzler getting a little action and yet more proof that the power of Cyclops’s penis span’s universes.

While the Cyclops/Dazzler kiss was rushed, things get even more contrived at the end. Remember that anti-climatic moment where Xavier-in-a-Jar just says they’ve succeeded and can go home? Well, there’s a reason you shouldn’t have been too shocked, namely because it was total bullshit. For some reason it takes Sage’s supercomputer mind way too fucking long to figure out they’ve killed only 9 evil Xaviers. That leaves one more. Then in a very sudden and very random twist, Xavier-in-a-Jar reveals that Evil Wizard Xavier isn’t dead and Nazi Xavier comes back to live to make a super triple-powered evil Xavier. Even if you read that previous sentence over completely, it’ll still make no sense. Greg Pak has shown a tendency to throw in major twists during his Xtreme X-men run. Hell, this is the guy who made an evil My Little Pony Charles Xavier. Yet he’s usually succeeded in having those twists not feel too forced. This is one that is just thrown out there as if it were a blindfolded baseball pitcher. While it does hint at a very eventful finale for this series, it just doesn’t have the impact of previous twists.

Going back to my point about this series regularly abusing certain laws, I threw common sense in the mix for a reason. Lately, I’ve been trying to place a greater emphasis on comics making at least half a fuck worth of sense. It’s that utter lack of coherence that both ruins stories like Avengers vs. X-men and earns you a DUI if you try driving home from a bar at three in the morning. Greg Pak has had to work harder than most writers to ensure his stories make some level of sense. How else can you get around My Little Pony version of Charles Xavier? For the most part, he has succeeded, but the ending of this issue leaves plenty to be desired.

Now I’m not going to say it was overly shocking to find out that their mission wasn’t over. I knew as soon as Dazzler’s team started relaxing and hooking up for a little post-victory sex, shit was about to go very badly. But aside from Sage's supercomputer of a brain taking so long to surmise that they had only killed 9 Charles Xaviers, the sudden emergence of two more evil Charles Xaviers crosses that incredibly blurred line this series has crafted in the logic department. Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I need to read this comic sober a few times. But the ending with Xavier-in-a-Jar just felt too random and even in comics where crazy shit is the only law of the land, that’s just a bit too crazy.

As crazy as it was, it didn’t detract from the well-organized battle between Nazi Xavier and Namor. Pak utilized a solid balance of action and conflict where Dazzler’s team struggled to figure out who they would help. He didn’t have them pick a side so-to-speak, but he didn’t have them twiddling their thumbs like dipshits either. Dazzler once again showed that she’s become a competent leader and led her team in a way that resulted in a successful mission, at least temporarily. They killed the evil Charles Xavier and saved a lot of innocent people in the process. That aspect of this comic was well-done.

Pak even did a good job playing up some of the dramatic elements. He’s taken Dazzler through a lot of character development since this story began. I’m glad that he had her actually step back and reflect on that. It certainly sets the stage for Dazzler to take on a very different role once she returns to 616 (assuming the writers don’t just forget about her like they did with Tessa). But throwing in that kiss with black Cyclops was a bit underdone. Granted, she did check him out in the previous issue. It just felt as though not enough was done to build towards the kiss. You don’t need to build that shit up when you’re doing a porno and since nobody showed their tits in this issue, I think that build-up was necessary.

Overall, this issue was still solid in that it moved the story forward and set the stage for the home stretch for this series. Dazzler’s mission is almost over and even if it didn’t make a lot of sense, Greg Pak made it clear that killing the last Charles Xavier is going to be her greatest challenge yet. In addition, any time a Nazi loses in a story, it’s a great “America! Fuck Yeah!” moment in a week where Uncanny Avengers already gave us our fair share. It was an issue that still left much to be desired and with Xtreme X-men crossing over in to the upcoming X-Terminator event, it has plenty of room to make up for it. So I give Xtreme X-men #11 a 3 out of 5. Another Nazi has fallen, but now we’re back to evil wizards and magic. Which would you rather face? At least with a Nazi, you can shoot them and they won’t turn the bullets into a giant dildo. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #10 - Axis of Awesome

A few years ago, some asshole judge thought I had anger management issues because beating up the brain-dead hipster who gave me a decafe mocha late instead of a double shot espresso at Starbucks was a symptom of “serious issues.” His words, not mine. I can safely say that the experience was akin to being strapped to a chair and being forced to listen to Barney the Dinosaur sodomize an elf for three weeks. The problem wasn’t the information itself. I honestly didn’t know visualizing Santa Claus could help calm someone down. It was the burned out hippie running the class who made me want to shove my balls into a broiler. He was this annoying, touchy feely type guy who wanted every man in the room to surrender their testicles, put on a dress, and slow dance to classical music for the rest of the day. Needless to say, I punched the guy in the face the last day of the class and my anger issues were solved.

This kind of touchy feely leadership, if done with the same incompetence as the anger management teacher that now has a black eye, is almost infuriating enough to make someone want to vote for Rick Santorum. On the flip side, those uptight drill-sergeant leaders that grow up to be drill instructors or gym teachers are just as infuriating, except you probably won’t get away with punching them in the face. These are the extremes of leadership and for the most part, leaders not named after a dictator or a cult leader are somewhere in between. For a new leader like Dazzler in the pages of Xtreme X-men, it’s a matter of determining where in that spectrum she wants to be and how willing she is to risk getting punched in the face.

Since Greg Pak revitalized Xtreme X-men from the ashes of Chris Claremont’s genius, he’s made this inter-dimensional mission to hunt down evil Charles Xaviers a Dazzler-centric story. Because why the hell shouldn’t a story revolve around a hot blond who can sing, kick ass, and put on her own light show without having to smear glitter on her tits? As the mission has unfolded, she has been thrust into a leadership position and must lead a ragtag collection of displaced alternate X-men against deranged Charles Xaviers that range from evil wizards to cute little ponies. It sounds pretty fucked up and it is. But Pak has found a way to make it awesome and he’s also found a way to make Dazzler more compelling than most generic blonds can ever hope to be without marrying Hugh Hefner.

In the previous issue, Dazzler successfully wrestled away a leadership role from an alternate version of her that was far more qualified on the basis of her zombie-killing skills. She even found time to knock off another evil Xavier. Now in Xtreme X-men #10, she’s free to exercise her new leadership skills. So what does she do first? Perhaps drill the hell out of her team, make them do push-ups, and threaten to unscrew their heads and shit down their neck? Nope! She orders that they all take a break from killing evil Xaviers and go swimming. Hell, if this is how my anger management classes were run, I might have actually come to a few meetings sober.

But not everybody chooses to partake in Dazzler's fun-loving leadership. Black Cyclops apparently wasn't forced into bullshit anger management classes in his universe so he basically stays back until Kid Nightcrawler teleports his clothes off and prompts him to take a dip. This sounds a lot less gay than you think because as soon as he's in his skivvies, Dazzler's mouth goes dry and all the moisture goes to her other mouth (by that I mean her vagina). I won't make a once you go black, you never go back joke. But it's the kind of scene that would piss off a member of the KKK so for that I find it extra enjoyable.

But the appeal isn't just seeing a pretty blond get moist for a big, strong black man not named Denzel Washington. In this suggestive scene that involves frolicking around in underwear, we actually get some long overdue details about who this Black Cyclops is. He showed up pretty abruptly with zombie killer Dazzler in the previous issue and his backstory really wasn't explored. But now that he's in his underwear and has a chance to bone a hot blond, he explains to Dazzler that he comes from a world where mutants were enlisted to help win a Civil War from a History Channel version of Nick Fury and Charles Xavier. He and another team of mutant powered soldiers were so effective at winning the war that both racists and his own allies started to fear him. He claims he killed 6,000 men. I'm sure that sounds like a lot, but I'm sure Wolverine would probably laugh at that figure. He kills that many people when his favorite hockey team loses.

And it isn't just Black Cyclops that gets some time to build his story. Hercules, who also showed up with Zombie Killer Dazzler, takes some time to discuss where he comes from as well. His story isn't exactly as big a mystery. We already know he comes from the same world as Wolverine and that he's playing hide the flesh rocket in the peanut butter cavern with him. We also know that he comes from a world where people like Rick Santorum are actually taken seriously because two men loving each other just doesn't fly. In his world, he and Wolverine were the best warriors, but they had to work under a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. It was only after they killed the most powerful creature in their world, which appeared to be a T-Rex on crystal meth, that they revealed their love. Shit didn't exactly go over well. Hercules's father, Zeus, ended up throwing their bleached asses into Tartarus. I guess in his world Zeus wants his sons to favor vaginas or he's a registered republican from Texas.

Now I like that Greg Pak is taking some time to flesh out these characters. They all manage to really open up here, letting each other and the readers know they come from worlds that are pretty fucked up in their own unique way but still not as fucked up as a world where Cyclops is thrown in jail for making the world a global utopia. However, a lot of these details feel like details that it should have been revealed a few issues ago. It's nice that they can open up to one another while swimming in their underwear. I guess that may be part of Dazzler's team-building exercise, but it still seems out of place to the point of it being filler and filler belongs in a burger. Not a comic.

Filler aside, there's one aspect to Xtreme X-men that still sets it apart from every other X-book. It's one of those books where you can see twists on certain characters that aren't just unique, but they piss off the Fox News crowd. That's what happens when you make Cyclops black and Wolverine gay. But Pak isn't done pissing off the assholes who voted for Mitt Romney. He's fucked up the ethnicity and race of another beloved Marvel character. He made Namor Japanese! Okay, so maybe he's not beloved as much as he is desired by hot blondes, but it's yet another twist in a book that has had many good ones.

A Japanese Namor is just what Dazzler's team faces when their little bonding swim is interrupted by Sage, who informs them that they've discovered that this world has a nasty little alternate history that involves London being flooded. Before they could figure out how the fuck this could have happened, they're attacked by a Japanese Namor who has a hate-boner for Xavier. It marks the first solid bout of action in the comic and when Namor is involved, you can expect it to be destructive, egoistical, and panty soaking. So while he may be Japanese, he's still the same Namor. He may just care less for blondes and more for cute girls in revealing school-girl uniforms.

So if Namor is Japanese in this universe, what about Xavier himself? What could he be? What he possibly be in a series that has already had him appear as a freakin' pony? How about a fucking Nazi? If that revelation shocks you an any way, then clearly you haven't been reading this series or you've been reading it stoned. Because considering all the crazy, twisted version of an evil Charles Xavier we've seen, a Nazi Xavier actually isn't all that ground breaking.

He makes his big Naziriffic entrance after Dazzler's team battle Namor and manage to convince him that the Xavier-in-a-Jar that has been guiding them isn't the on he wants to rip apart. He shows up looking like every boss battle in every Wolfenstein game ever. Naturally, Dazzler's team reacts in the same way anyone would react if they saw a real Nazi. They try to murder his Hitler-loving ass. It becomes another glorious spectacle of a battle where Nazi Xavier flexes his Aryan superiority in ways that should make any hippie vomit. It's a fun scene, but feels a little condensed after the filler from the earlier parts of the issue.

But just like we saw with the creepy My Little Pony Xavier, this Nazi Xavier may not be what he seems. He uses his telepathy to inform Dazzler's team that he's not the same sinister Nazi that eats babies for breakfast and the innocence of little children for lunch. He claims Nazi's in this world aren't all that bad and he's trying to save the last remaining innocent survivors of a world that was drowned, presumably by Namor. It puts Dazzler's team in an awkward position because now they have to choose between helping a Nazi and helping Namor when he's got a rage boner. If ever there was a "we're fucked" situation, this was it. However, Dazzler is the leader now. She just showed she can be the nice, touchy feely leader by letting her teammates go for a swim. Now she has to show that she's also the kind of leader that can make a tough decision and make sure it's the right one. So what's it going to be Dazzler? A Nazi or a Namor? Even her tits can't help her escape this one and we won't find out what she decides until the next issue sadly.

There are only so many stories you can tell about killing Nazis before shit starts to get old. The video game industry has yet to reach this point and comics can’t seem to get enough of it either. However, as clichéd as it may be, it can still be a lot of fun and this issue proves it. The sheer diversity of Greg Pak’s universe-hopping Xtreme X-men makes it possible to create yet another world where a Japanese Namor and a Nazi Charles Xavier don’t feel like something a writer came up with while playing Call of Duty stoned one too many times. Like the evil pony of Charles Xavier, Pak is able to give this theme a unique charm that is just plain fun.

The only problem with that special charm is that it is somewhat buried in this issue. While it was nice to see Dazzler and her team get a little downtime, it had too much of a filler-like taste to it. This quiet moment was essentially used to help catch the readers up with some of the characters that hadn’t really been explored yet, namely Hercules and black Cyclops. I’m all for filling in the blanks. I’ve said numerous times before in a perfectly sober mindset on this blog that those kinds of details are what separate good comics from awesome comics. But another thing those awesome comics do is find a way to fit these details into the story. In this instance it just seemed squeezed into the story and really didn’t affect the plot with Nazi Xavier or Japanese Namor.

Because of this, Xtreme X-men #10 feels like two halves of a different book. One half is exposition and the other is the actual story. Both by themselves are decent, but putting them in the same book makes it feel disorganized. Plus, it’s a lot harder to read while stoned and I do think that’s an important issue to consider. And while the concept of a Nazi Xavier and Japanese Namor fits nicely with the theme of this series, it still comes off as more flat when compared to stories about pony Xavier’s and evil wizard Xavier’s.

But I’m still perfectly comfortable saying this book is pretty awesome. Greg Pak continues to make Xtreme X-men an entertaining interlude from the regular X-books. Where else will you find shit like Nazi Xavier’s, black Cyclopses, and Wolverine swapping spit with someone who isn’t a redhead with a nice rack? The artwork is consistently solid. The dialog is smooth and conversational. And the touch of drama adds a few extra sprinkles on the top. For that, I give Xtreme X-men #10 a non-racist, anti-Nazi 3.5 out of 5. There may never come a day where stories about killing Nazis gets old. There may never come a day where I don’t meet an anger management teacher I don’t want to punch in the face. But even if that day doesn’t come, we can still find ways to enjoy it every chance we get. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #9 - Dazzler vs. Zombie Killer Dazzler

I used to know a guy whose sole mission in life was to try and upstage me at every possible turn. If I drank six beers, he tried to drink seven. If I did three lines of blow, he tried to do four. If I dated a girl and broke up with her after she found out I used her credit card to buy $800 in porn, then he tried to bang his girlfriend's sister and mother simultaneously. Needless to say, he pissed me off to no end. Granted, it all worked out. One time he thought I chugged a gallon of gasoline that was just wine smuggled in a gas tank. I don't know if they ever found a liver doner, but I think he learned his lesson. But the point of the story is that sometimes you're going to have to deal with assholes trying to upstage you and you can't always rely on their stupidity or their inability to discern wine from gasoline.

In the pages of Xtreme X-men, Dazzler has recently encountered some competition for her leadership position in her team of dimensionally displaced X-men. If she had balls, they would already be partially busted because she only recently proved her ability to lead the team when she, Wolverine, and Sage visited Kid Nightcrawler's universe and rescued him from killer robots and still had time to make a pit stop in 616 to get the blessing of Cyclops (although his blessing is worth about as much as Vanilla Ice's street cred these days). Yet when she returned to the Xavier-in-a-Jar, she found out he already replaced her with another more badass Dazzler that came from a universe where she led her own X-Force team against zombie hoards for a living. You can beat all the killer robots you want and get all the blessings from Cyclops you want, but you just can't beat zombie killers.

In Xtreme X-men #8, Greg Pak delivered yet another fucked up incarnation of Charles Xavier that was akin to an episode of My Little Pony on a bad acid trip. Both Dazzler teams were able to beat him, but Zombie Killer Dazzler understands that having two hot blondes on the same team just doesn't work in a non-porno situation. Xavier-in-a-Jar made up his mind. He wants the Zombie Killer Dazzler. And to prove it, the two fought each other in what should have been a bra and panties match in mud. But I guess Pak ran out of time and just had Zombie Killer Dazzler apparently kill her. I say that with the least urgent tone possible because it's painfully obvious that she's not dead. She's a pretty blond in a major comic book. Unlike slasher movies, they don't die. Marvel knows they need all the hot blonds for their fans to masturbate to as possible. So it's a given she'll survive, but it's not a given how she'll take on her zombie killing counterpart.

But before Dazzler can begin to contemplate how she’ll become more Paris Hilton and less Nichole Richie, we’re first introduced to the latest threat her team. The first pages of Xtreme X-men #9 introduce yet another douche-bag version of Charles Xavier that the multi-verse can do without. While Greg Pak has introduced many such Xaviers over the course of this series, he’s usually done a good job of mixing it up a little. We’ve had old West evil Xavier, we’ve had an Asgardian manipulating wannabe Xavier, and even a My Little Pony Xavier (that turned out to be a demon, but that’s besides the point). Pak knows how to mix this shit up is what I’m saying. So when the Xavier in this issue turns out to be your standard evil wizard in a setting that could be the backdrop for every major Lord of the Rings ripoff, it’s a little bland. It’s basically as standard an evil Xavier as you can get. That just makes the main antagonist in this comic less imposing if you're reading the comic sober.

The non-zombie killing Dazzler wakes up in this world, having been seriously wounded at the end of the last issue when her zombie killing counterpart fucking stabbed her. She has a nasty bandage over her chest, yet for some reason doesn’t seem all that woozy. I know there are some wounds that the tough and the ballsy shake off. Football players shake off concussions, boxers shake off broken jaws, and Chuck Norris shakes off gunshot wounds. But Dazzler woke up from being stabbed in the just as if it were a mild hangover. Having had my share of hangovers, I can say definitively that even the toughest don’t look that chipper even if they wake up in Megan Fox’s bath tub.

This somewhat contrived wake-up call forces Dazzler to catch up with the shit that’s going on around her. Apparently, the rest of her team is in the middle of a Lord of the Rings style battle. But instead of Orc, they’re fighting evil Beasts. Given what a monumental douche Beast has been in the comics lately, that’s a pretty terrifying threat. But zombie killer Dazzler, who apparently doesn’t give half a nanogram of shit about stabbing her counterpart, is leading them into battle. She doesn’t have much strategy. She’s just telling her team that there are monsters in front of them so killing them must somehow solve the problem. For some reason, Dazzler has a problem with that. And for a reason that’s even more fucked up, she doesn’t seem to care about the stab wound in her chest. It’s never even explained how serious the wound is. I’m all for X-men looking badass, but a fucking stab wound is not something that should be glossed over.

Regardless of how wounded she is, Dazzler is not about to let some bitch that just stabbed her take over her team and lead them with the ability of a relapsed drunk. She confronts her counterpart, but again the whole stabbing thing is brushed aside. I assume she was about to slowly explain to her why just running into an army of angry Beasts is a shitty battle tactic, but I guess she figured she can’t rationalize a situation she can’t stab. So with that in mind, Dazzler forcibly takes some of her dignity back by using her powers to effectively nuke the army in front of her. It’s the kind of dazzling display that few attractive blonds not named Lady Gaga can match. And for a girl who was recently stabbed, it’s pretty impressive and actually gets her team to stop following the crazy bitch that doesn’t look before crossing the street and listen to her. It’s not just badass, but it demonstrates that Dazzler is taking this whole leadership shit pretty seriously and isn’t going to let some stab-happy counterpart take that away from her.

Having proven her capabilities in the most blinding way possible, she gathers the team and some of the natives who happen to look like mini-Nightcrawlers. I guess with him being dead and/or an evil, traitorous prick Marvel has to make entire races of rip-offs to fill the void. But they’re actually pretty useful in that they provide Dazzler with a layout of the stronghold of the Witch King, aka the Evil Sauron-style Xavier. Armed with this information, she formulates a plan that involves Wolverine and Hercules infiltrating the castle from one end while attacking from another. It’s not as glorious as charging head-first into the front end of his army, but it has a better chance of actually doing more than just laughing his ass off at how stupid their tactics are.

Pak also uses this little planning phase to play up the dynamic between Wolverine and Hercules. In case your priest, imam, or Fox News anchor didn’t bitch about it recently, this version of Wolverine is gay and he’s swapping man meat with Hercules. And part of Dazzler’s plan involve them dressing up as Orcs, but in a way that would be more fitting in a gay pride parade than a Lord of the Rings style battle. I’m not saying that’s wrong. Hell, I think it’s awesome that Pak is making it clear that these two are hot for each other and are willing to dress up in ways that would make Pat Robertson’s head explode. And anything that disgusts Pat Robertson and men like him is awesome in my book!

So without anyone stabbing anybody this time, the plan is put into action. It’s not as epic a battle as it could have been. It actually feels a little rushed. But the point of the battle is to show that there are more efficient ways to take down an evil Xavier that don’t involve trying to go through his armies of monstrous Beasts. And much to the chagrin of the zombie killer Dazzler, it actually works. Wolverine and Hercules are able to draw the attention of Wizard Xavier’s armies away with their overwhelming strength and powerful man-love that puts anything Stephanie Meyer ever wrote to shame. This leaves Wizard Xavier’s stronghold more exposed than Pamela Anderson’s tits in bikini, thus Dazzler, Black Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and zombie killer Dazzler to slip inside. It’s not the most elaborate strategy in the history of warfare, but it works. They also blow up the bridge in the process because what’s a little strategy without a little “fuck you” thrown into the mix?

While this strategy allows Dazzler and her team to get around Wizard Xavier’s armies, the process of actually kicking his ass is a lot more difficult. Apparently, Dazzler didn’t have any strategy for that. But since she’s so new at this whole leadership thing, I’m willing to cut her some slack. The same can’t be said for Wizard Xavier, who exercises a mix of Harry Potter and Darth Vadar in how he takes on Dazzler and her team. He’s not gentle, he’s not merciful, and he really doesn’t try to do anything you wouldn’t expect a completely unapologetic douche-bag to do. It’s as overly basic as it sounds, which is somewhat disappointing given how Greg Pak has thrown in plenty of twists in the past with evil Xaviers. This is no pony Xavier like in the last arc, not by a long shot. So if you were hoping to be shocked again, stop holding your breath. Unless you’re doing a bong hit, that shit isn’t healthy.

It’s looking pretty bad for Dazzler, but once again her zombie killing counterpart just can’t stand to be upstaged. She already saw how her charge-the-massive-army-of-monsters tactics was proven to be fucking stupid. She needs to redeem herself somehow and what better way than to use the same tactic her counterpart used earlier and push her powers to eye-melting limits. Zombie killer Dazzler effectively ditches any notion of self-preservation and attacks Wizard Xavier with the kind of blinding force you won’t see outside a fireworks show on an LSD trip. She ends up pushing herself so far that she not only kills Wizard Xavier. She effectively burns out her own body until she’s nothing more than a figure of light that eventually fades.

This is yet another gaping plot hole that isn’t really explained. So if Dazzler pushes her powers that hard, she just turns into a walking hologram that eventually fades out? When the fuck did that become a potential problem for her? It makes sense on some levels, but not enough to prevent sober minds from asking WTF? Drunk minds may only be concerned with there being one less hot blond, but no matter how intoxicated a reader might be it is still a moment that should leave plenty of confusion.

Even if you are more confused by zombie killing Dazzler’s little display than a transvestite in a public restroom, it still makes for a powerful moment. This issue and the previous issue introduced some heavy competition for Dazzler’s leadership and now it’s safe to say that she’s channeled her inner Charlie Sheen and come out a winner. Her zombie killing counterpart isn’t even a sore loser either. She expresses confidence that she’ll do whatever crazy shit she needs to do in order to take down the rest of the evil Charles Xaviers. She even leaves Dazzler with her more badass uniform, which she greatly accepts. It doesn’t show quite as much cleavage, but the two gay men in the group voice no complaints about her fashion sense so it must be okay.

Anyone who puts his or her socks on one at a time admits on some level that it feels pretty damn good to upstage someone who was a complete asshole to you. There are few greater dick moves than just stabbing someone in the chest and not even apologizing for it. Yet for reasons that only Jesus Christ himself would understand, Dazzler didn’t make a big deal of it in this issue. Rather than bitch and moan about how begin stabbed hurts, she spent the bulk of this comic proving that she was a better leader and better equipped to take down evil Xaviers. And she fucking proved it in a way that would shrivel the scrotum of nearly every self-righteous douche-bag who ever owned a Prius or listened to Rush Limbaugh.

This has been the challenge of Xtreme X-men since it began. Pretty much every arc revolves around Dazzler and her team hunting down evil Charles Xaviers. Shit like that can get old pretty fast. X-men fans have been used to Charles Xavier being a douche since Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-men run. So Greg Pak has to inject more elements into these stories to make them interesting. And damn it, he succeeds. Although this issue was a bit overly basic at times and didn’t really throw in any huge twists like some of the previous arcs, it took events from a previous story and added a new element to the story. Dazzler only recently earned her role as leader of the team. Now she’s solidified it in a way that nobody who enjoys eating solid food or not being blind will ever dare question.

This issue was solid, but it was a bit more condensed than previous issues and in some instances that proved detrimental. It glossed over that little fact about Alison being stabbed in the previous issue and being more than capable of winning a battle against an army of Beasts. It also didn’t really develop the new black Cyclops all that much, nor did it explain clearly what happened with X-Force Dazzler when she faded. There were one too many blanks to fill in. It would have helped to have some narration at some points and dialog that was a bit more detailed, but in the end the story still succeeded in its primary goal to bitch slap all doubts about Dazzler’s leadership.

I liken the gaps in this issue to those nasty potholes on the highway. You can’t avoid them and they’re annoying as hell, but unless you’re a whiney little bitch you don’t complain about them. You just acknowledge them and keep driving until you reach the bar and/or strip club. This issue got readers to said bar and/or strip club, albeit in a less-than-smooth ride. Greg Pak continues to find ways to make a series centered around killing evil Charles Xaviers compelling and finds yet another way to make an attractive blonde badass in a way that you can still masturbate to. I give Xtreme X-men #9 a 3.5 out of 5. Yes, it has gaps. But it also has goblins, wizards, muscular gay men, demons, beasts, and two hot blonds trying to upstage one another. If that shit isn’t enough for you, then you’re an asshole or a Mormon. Nuff said!

Xtreme X-men #8 - Twisted Fantasies of Awesome

I often imagine that trips through multiple universes is like a cross-country road trip to every crack house in the country. Both over the course of the journey and as you reach your destinations, you're bound to find some pretty fucked up things that'll either give you a boner or haunt your dreams forever. Throughout the course of Xtreme X-men, Greg Pak has sent Allison Blair through a number of alternate universes. I don't know how many nightmares or pussy boners she's gotten along the way, but I'm pretty sure they're more than she cares to admit. And that's part of what has made this series so much fun. It isn't just about hopping universes. It's about Dazzler's personal journey along the way.

Before Xtreme X-men, she's was largely a C-list character. She's basically another cute blond with a nice rack, which is about as common in comics as personality disorders on bad reality TV shows (by that I mean ALL reality TV shows). She's probably one of the last characters you would expect to assume a leadership role in a title. Hell, she would be ranked somewhere between Pixie and Doop. Personally, I would like to see Doop lead a comic, but I assume Jason Aaron is saving that for the next big event. But the past few issues of Xtreme X-men have shown that Dazzler can lead her own team and do so while still looking hot as hell. And she doesn't even have to dress like Emma Frost. I think that counts as a blow for feminism.

Xtreme X-men #7.1 marked a new high point for the series. After so many crazy trips through multiple universes with Xavier-in-a-Jar, Dazzler and her team took a pit stop back in her home universe where she caught up on all the shit she missed with Avengers vs. X-men. I get the sense she's probably glad she missed all that shit. This way she has an excuse. It's not her fault she wasn't around to stop the Avengers and X-men from getting into a slap fight while the Phoenix fucked with five X-men. She was stuck in another universe. In terms of excuses, that's one of the few that are actually valid in the comics. But the big moment was at the end when Cyclops gives Dazzler his seal of approval as a leader as she continues her universe-hopping quest to hunt down more evil Charles Xaviers. It's still debatable just how much weight Cyclops's blessing carries when he's a fugitive and not boning Emma Frost anymore, but if nothing else it was a good confidence builder for Dazzler.

The universe-hopping journey continues in Xtreme X-men #8, but first we get a brief flashback to yet another alternate universe. But it’s not as random as you think. At the end of Xtreme X-men #7, we found out that Xavier-in-a-Jar got tired of waiting for Dazzler and her team to come back for him so he recruited a new one. That team included another Dazzler, an alternate Hercules, and a Black Cyclops. Throw in goth version of Jean Grey and you’ve got yourself the next Fox sitcom! But the main point here is to demonstrate how this version of Dazzler is different from her Lady Gaga wannabe other self. She’s no aspiring pop star in her world. She’s a hard-nosed, gun-toting member of X-Force that shoot zombies to pass the time on a Sunday afternoon. Hence, she’s perfect for Xavier’s team and just as hot.

Back with the non-badass Dazzler, she’s getting shit squared away with her team in the 616 universe after the events of Xtreme X-men #7.1. Sage is understandably hesitant to take on any mission that involves helping a disembodied head of Charles Xavier hunt down other Charles Xaviers. But Dazzler, flexing her new leadership, gets Sage to go along for the ride. Because let’s face it, she’s not going to get much more excitement that doesn’t involve interfacing her brain with porn sites. They arrive right back in the crazy jungle-like world they left in Xtreme X-men #7 where they’re greeted with the kind of hostility that X-men should be used to by now. They’re probably the only ones that know how Kristen Stewart feels while walking through a support group of men who are dating hardcore Twilight fans.

Now anyone who has followed Xtreme X-men to this point knows the kind of hostility that Dazzler and her team has faced never ranks less than a 9.5 on the fucked-up-o-meter. They've faced an old west style Charles Xavier, an Xavier-in-a-Jar, and a whale Xavier. How could anything possibly get more fucked up than that? How about a unicorn Xavier? No, that's not a metaphor. That's actually the Xavier that Dazzler and her team encounter. It's a unicorn with pink hair named Charles Xavier. That ranks a good 9.8 on the fucked-up-o-meter. Sorry, but it still doesn't come close to some of the fucked up shit I see in slash fiction.

In addition to being a fucking unicorn, this Xavier doesn't appear to be a sociopath. Because a sociopath unicorn would just be off the scale of the fucked-up-o-meter. But this Xavier is still a psychic and the reason he reacted like a bull that was about to get castrated was because he sensed another team coming to kill him. Dazzler, being too trusting and too cute a hot blond chick, is inclined to believe the unicorn. I can't say I would. If I saw a fucking unicorn, that just means I've taken way too much acid and should not trust my senses at this point.

But that other team does show up and surprise, surprise it includes the badass Dazzler that Xavier-in-a-Jar recruited earlier. She's not as inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to a fucking unicorn and tries to kill it. Dazzler naturally tries to fight back and protect the unicorn Xavier just as a 4-year-old girl would protect her dollhouse from her older brother armed with firecrackers. She also comes along with teammates including a Black Cyclops and Hercules. But unlike the others, Hercules isn't inclined to fight Wolverine. Earlier in the series, Pak dropped a rainbow colored bombshell that the Wolverine in Xtreme X-men was gay and had the hots for Hercules. Well, this is apparently the Hercules he was desperate to bone. It's a nice moment in the midst of the fighting. I know that slash fanfiction writers are already hard at work crafting a very lurid story about what these two men do in the jungle with only unicorns and rainbows at their disposal so I won't go into detail.

However, the gay undertones that One Million Moms will probably be bitching about in the coming weeks also temporarily hides the ongoing mission that Xavier-in-a-Jar has been pursuing since the series began. Dazzler still refuses to believe that a unicorn Xavier could ever be evil. Well, it turns out all those doll houses she used to play with as a girl corrupted her mind. Because it's revealed by the X-Force Dazzler and Xavier-in-a-Jar that this Xavier was just an illusion. The real Xavier looks like something Predator shat out after one too many burritos a Mexican restaurant. So yeah, it is possible for a unicorn to be evil. As of this very moment, the fantasies of a million little girls has been ruined. Thanks Marvel! You're truly doing the Lord's work!

So Dazzler's team has just been hilariously upstaged by Xavier-in-a-Jar's new team. She now knows how Tim Tebow felt after the Broncos signed Peyton Manning and traded his ass to the Jets. It's not completely one-sided though. In killing the fake unicorn Xavier, they found out that this whole fanciful realm was just a figment of his mind. Now that he's vulture chow, that world is falling apart. Dazzler tries to turn to Sage for help, but for some reason she says "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" It seems a little random, but I have to believe that a woman with a computer for a brain isn't that irrational. Unless it's that time of the month for her, I'm going to surmise she has a reason for leaving Dazzler and her team behind.

With the world falling apart, Dazzler tries to take charge as Cyclops said she could in the previous issue. However, X-Force Dazzler isn't having that shit. She's a badass zombie hunter whereas this Dazzler is a Lady Gaga wannabe from the disco era. It's like Chuck Norris versus Justin Timberlake. It's not a fair fight. This X-Force Dazzler is willing to ignore the current threat of a world falling apart and attack Dazzler to prove she's the leader. And for her, attacking means fucking stabbing through the chest. I would say it's extreme, but I've had ex-girlfriends do worse. It ends the comic on an ominous yet very exciting note. Dazzler just found out she's got what it takes to be a hero and then she gets stabbed. That may not rank high on the fucked-up-o-meter, but it still is pretty awesome.

So after a brief pit-stop in the main Marvel universe to keep fans from getting too confused, things are back on track in Xtreme X-men so to speak. This issue has Dazzler hopping universes again, hunting down evil Xavier’s and encountering a whole lot of fucked up things along the way. I honestly didn’t think that Greg Pak could top giant Whale Xavier in Xtreme X-men #7.1. I officially now owe a guy at a bar fifty bucks and my sister’s phone number after seeing a unicorn version of Charles Xavier. It sounds so stupid and outrageous, yet it works. That’s what continues to astound me about Xtreme X-men. Greg Pak just keeps finding ways to make this shit work.

Moreover, this comic took the series in a new direction by having it involve more than just Dazzler leading a team against universes of evil Xaviers. Now she has competition to deal with in the form of another Dazzler and another round of alternate universe heroes that are looking to not just test her leadership, but kill her disco-loving ass. It adds a new layer of complication on top of many other fucked up layers that involve Xaviers-in-a-Jar, space whales, and unicorns. I keep comparing shit like this to an awesome acid trip, but I don’t think even the best hallucinogens can conjure the kind of shit Xtreme X-men is using.

Yet as much fun as all these crazy elements are, they don’t fit together as well as they could. I know that sounds like trying to make shit shine, but it’s a fair criticism of the book. The suddenness of this new team feels a bit choppy, mainly in the reunion between Wolverine and Hercules and the Black Cyclops. While I don’t doubt those characters will get more attention in the next issue, it still feels like a few too many issues were left unaddressed. In that sense it made the issue feel a bit rushed, but I guess when you’re dealing with floating heads and unicorns you can only go so slow.

Xtreme X-men continues to be a delightfully fun and entertainingly fucked up saga. The story is now back on track and with plenty of twisted new elements for Greg Pak’s twisted mind to work with. It might be too twisted for some comic fans, but that’s their problem. I’m giving Xtreme X-men #8 a 4.5 out of 5 and there’s nothing they can do about it! We’ve seen Xavier as a whale. We’ve seen Xavier as a unicorn. As of this moment, I’m taking bets! What will Greg Pak have Xavier show up as next? A squirrel? A stunt man? Snookie’s baby daddy? Anything is possible! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some arrangements to make with my bookie. Nuff said!