Uncanny X-Force #32 - Family Unfriendly Awesome

What is it about sociopaths and killers that allow them to get more pussy than every straight-A student in the history of the world? There are so many logical reasons why we should despise these asshole, yet some macabre part of us finds them compelling. It must be the same part of us that thinks Paris Hilton has talent, believes the Cleveland Browns will win the Superbowl, or can't turn away from gay midget porn. I like to think that Uncanny X-Force hasn't gone too deep into the world of sociopath killers that would win most people a two-hour special on A&E, but it's come pretty damn close.

Uncanny X-Force is the same series that started off with an arc that involved a kid getting shot in the head. Granted, that kid was creepier than sack of worms, but it was still pretty disturbing. Yet it was awesome on levels that make you sick and give you multiple orgasms at the same time. I used to think I couldn't get that sort of shit without mixing Viagra with Red Bull, but Rick Remender has proved me wrong. Uncanny X-Force has been one of the most consistently awesome and cohesive comic runs in a long time. Every issue seems to break new ground. The last issue had a naked Mystique. Okay, that's not new ground, but you still have to admit that shit is pretty awesome.

But beyond Mystique getting naked, Remender explored the intentions of the new Brotherhood of Mutants and the divisions from within. When they first showed up, they just seemed like another deranged collection of sociopaths looking to blow up their enemies. And a few issues ago, they actually did...figuratively speaking. They also abducted Genesis, who is yet another Kid Apocalypse that Fantomex tried to turn good by creating a big lie ripped off from old Superman movies. But as is often the case with lying to a kid, it came back to bite him because Shadowking revealed the truth. Now the Brotherhood is on the cusp of having their own Apocalypse and X-Force, having survived being blown up, have caught up with him.

This is where Uncanny X-Force #32 picks up. Wolverine and Psylcoke now know where the Brotherhood is keeping Genesis, courtesy of Mystique. However, they have to play catch-up because Deadpool ran out ahead of them and as we saw in the final page of the previous issue, he's looking to do his best Fantomex impersonation by putting a bullet in Genesis's head. As they're making their way to the Brotherhood's hideout (which happens to be your typical evil underwater lair), they argue over whether Deadpool will actually shoot Genesis like Fantomex. This is a guy whose sanity is more unstable than the Syrian government. Maybe he'll shoot the kid. Maybe he'll try to get him to sign up for the next season of American Idol. You just don't know with Deadpool. That's part of what makes him fun/insane.

In this instance, Deadpool's insanity trumped Fantomex's douche-baggery. While it showed at the end of Uncanny X-Force #31 him pointing a gun at Genesis's head just as Fantomex had done, he didn't pull the trigger. That's right, Deadpool is on a higher moral ground than fucking Fantomex. Genesis is still pissed off, but Deadpool still points out that Fantomex did try to save him...after boning Mystique, but then again who could blame him for that? Genesis still isn't convinced that he can trust Deadpool. Hell, I'm sure Deadpool isn't convinced he can trust Deadpool. But he doesn't get time to convince him because Daken, Blob, and the Omega Clan show up to stop him from escaping with Genesis. Deadpool tries to fight his way out with his trademark charm. He ends up getting hit by the Omega Clan and covered in tumors. But he still has a sense of humor about it. When a guy can make jokes about tumors, you know he's both awesome and insane.

Tumors aside, Deadpool still tries to put up a good fight. Only in Uncanny X-Force can you see a story about a guy being racked with tumors putting up a fight against an oversized lard-ass who looks like Rush Limbauh 30 years from now. He even manages to get the Omega Clan to share some of the tumors with Blob. With any luck, the chemo will finally help him lose some of those bloated pounds. All the while, Deadpool is still doing his demented narration, which always adds a little flare to any battle. Yeah, it's a symptom of dementia. But in comics where everyone has a personality disorder of sorts, it's no worse than anything you see from a Fox News commentator. But as good a fight that Deadpool puts up with the tumors and shit, he still gets blasted by Genesis. That's may be because Shadowking is influence him again or because his insanity didn't convince Genesis that he was not worth shooting. Or it may be a little of both. Rick Remender leaves that up in the air, as well he should.

But the battle against the X-men and Brotherhood isn't the hardest hitting moment of this comic. Not by a long shot. In case some of you blacked out worse than I did during my last trip to Tijuana, you should know that 616 Nightcrawler is dead. And Mystique didn't take it very well. Now in the last issue, she's confronted by X-Force, which includes AOA Nightcrawler. Even for an admitted sociopath, that's a pretty jarring feeling. And thankfully, Remender doesn't let this moment go to waste. AOA Nightcrawler and Mystique have a little heart-to-heart. Essentially, AOA Nightcrawler tells Mystique that he's not the good natured son she did everything to try to corrupt. He's a murdering thug who had a great relationship with his mother in AOA and is just hanging out in 616 for revenge. I think Mystique teared up a bit, but it's hard to tell with her.

It was not a moment that Remender glossed over in the slightest. He definitely played up some of the emotions here with Mystique seeing her dead son from another universe. And true to her nature, she tries to manipulate him by saying the Wolverine in this universe deserves to be maimed to death just as the Wolverine in AOA who took on Apocalypse's mantel. But even though the exchange was nicely detailed, it lacked the real impact you would expect from Mystique seeing her dead son or Nightcrawler seeing a new version of his mother. That's not to say it's poorly handled. It's just not as compelling as you wish it were.

We don't see at first if Mystique is influenced by her son or vice versa. Instead, we catch up with Wolverine and Psylocke as they make their way into the Brotherhood's lair. Wolverine makes his usual Rambo-esque entrance, crashing through the roof and attacking Sabretooth. Yeah, it's cliched. And yeah, it's still awesome. Some shit just doesn't get old. A nice battle scene unfolds that shows Wolverine taking on Sabretooth and Skinless Man. Unlike his first battle with the Omega Clan, he doesn't get turned into a walking medical marvel that would give Dr. House a boner. He's as badass as Marvel wants him to be. And even if Wolverine has been a douche in other comics lately, it's still as fun as ever to watch him kick ass.

As for Psylocke, who broke in with a bit more subtlety and in a sexier uniform, she attempts to rescue Genesis from Shadowking while Wolverine plays the part of the obnoxious asshole that starts a bar fight. She's able to get close and work her way past Blob. She's also able to make contact with Deadpool, who at this point looks like the Elephant Man's nutsack. She attempts to take on Shadowking, but Shadowking has already shown some decent psychic proficiency in mentally scarring a young boy for life. So he's more than equipped to take on Psylocke. They start doing battle on the astral plane and in addition to showing that Shadowking watched way too many Akira Kurasowa movies, he shows that he can hold own against Psylocke.

Now if you'll recall, the last issue had a big twist that I drunkenly praised. It involved Mystique getting deceived and screwed over (for the second time no less and with her clothes on for once). Well twists like that help make good comics truly awesome. For that reason, I don't expect them in every comic or every arc for that matter. However, Rick Remender is just too damn generous. He threw in yet another twist at the end of this issue and while not as shocking, it's every bit as satisfying.

Unlike last time, Mystique is doing the screwing. Unfortunately, she has her clothes on. But fortunately, it shows that she still has some level of parenting skills because she's able to convince AOA Nightcrawler that Wolverine deserves to be betrayed and stabbed in the back. And AOA Nightcrawler listens to her. You think that makes him an asshole, but considering Wolverine's recent track record of trying to murder mutant messiahs and ditching his X-men buddies for the Avengers I have a feeling that Mystique didn't have to do too much. So in the end when AOA Nightcrawler is standing over Wolverine ready to end his ass, it's not just a twist. It's a very satisfying twist. It's so satisfying that it might help to have tissues on hand. Trust me, semen stains are a bitch to clean!

I can't tell you how good it feels to be reviewing a comic that actually makes sense. After reading all the bullshit Avengers vs. X-men stories that was organized either by writers with shitty weed dealers or brain dead monkeys, it's refreshing to see Rick Remender tell a story that you can actually read sober. After reading so many other Marvel comics that have been more fucked up than a crack den in Snoop Dogg's basement, I have a new appreciation for Rick Remender's attention to detail and this issue was a case study in how to move a story forward without having to kick logic in the balls.

The conflict surrounding X-Force and the Brotherhood is as basic as it gets. The X-men (or X-whatever) fight the Brotherhood in the same way Superman fights Lex Luthor. It's as basic an X-men story you can get without throwing in minority metaphors, but the way Remender develops it is what makes this comic work. It's all about Genesis and who can influence him. Deadpool and X-Force seem to think that they can work around the whole making-his-whole-life-a-lie-ripped-off-from-Superman conflict while the Brotherhood wants to use him to fuck with people. You really do get a sense that Genesis is genuinely torn. He knows his life is a lie, but he's not ready to become the asshole he's destined to be.

But as nicely as this conflict plays out, it's the twist with Nightcrawler and Mystique that makes it extra awesome. The moment between Mystique and AOA Nightcrawler may not have had the impact it could have had, but the twist with them sneaking up on Wolverine was a great moment. It shows that Mystique still has some parenting skills despite being a runner up for world's worst parent (the reigning champ still goes the family of Honey Boo Boo). It also is a sharp reminder that AOA Nightcrawler is not the lovable Nightcrawler that died in Second Coming. He has no loyalty to Wolverine aside from his ability to grant him his vengeance. If stabbing him in the back will accomplish that, so be it and damn it if Mystique is not going to take advantage of that.

This issue was a solid, sordid, sexy story that is yet another fine addition to the Uncanny X-Force mythos. It heightens the tension surrounding the Brotherhood and X-Force while throwing in yet another satisfying twist. Some moments still lacked impact, namely the initial Nightcrawler and Mystique conversation. But in the end it still made for a truly satisfying issue that would warrant a cigarette if it came with a hooker. I give Uncanny X-Force #32 a 4.5 out of 5. See Marvel? It is possible for comics to make sense and be awesome! Try and remember that the next time you try to do some shitty crossover event. You can only go so far with stories that require a certain level of mind-altering substances to enjoy. So for the sake of my liver and the brain cells of millions of innocent fanboys, follow Rick Remender's example. Make some fucking sense already! Nuff said!

X-men Supreme Issue #64: The Phoenix Saga Part 2 PREVIEW

It's finally here and it's off to a great start! And by it I mean the X-men Supreme Phoenix Saga. The biggest event in this fanfiction series to date is underway and already I've received some wonderful feedback. It isn't much, but it really means a lot that some understand that this is a huge moment for this fanfiction series. I have to give a brief shout-out to Stormbreaker and Wolverine189, who were generous enough to leave comments. I hope others follow suit because the X-men Supreme fanfiction series is going to be forever changed by the Phoenix Saga. And Jean Grey will be at the forefront of those changes.

But as big a part of the story as Jean Grey may be, the Phoenix Saga is still a story about X-men. Issue 63: The Phoenix Saga Part 1 also dealt with some of the other ongoing dramas with this fanfiction series. One of those dramas involved a familiar name that Marvel fans should know well, Emma Frost. Like the Phoenix itself, I always intended for Emma Frost to play a part in X-men Supreme. I also intended for her to play a role in the Phoenix Saga, just as she did in Chris Claremont's original story. She finally showed up in the previous issue, but her story will take center stage in the next issue. LIke Jean Grey, I know Emma Frost has some very passionate fans. I hope those fans are happy with how she is utilized in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. I can't get into too many details at the moment, but I can offer my usual extended preview.

“Sorry to interrupt, Herr Professor. But you have an emergency phone call,” he said as he handed him the phone.

“An emergency at a time like this? What else could be going wrong?” the Professor groaned.

“I don’t know, but it sounded pretty serious.”

The Professor turned took the phone and answered it. Few people had the ability to make an emergency call to the X-men privately. Whoever this was, it had to be someone in a very precarious position.

“To whom am I speaking?” he asked.

“Professor! Thank heavens, I reached you!”

The Professor’s eyes widened upon hearing that voice. He recognized it immediately.

“Emma?”

As soon as he said this name, Scott looked up and took a sudden interest.

“Emma! Is that who’s on the line?”

“Oh boy, here we go,” groaned Logan, “Who the hell is Emma and why the hell is it such a big deal?”

“Quiet Logan! I’m having trouble hearing her!” said Xavier as he held the phone closer.

The room fell silent as the Professor listened intently. He knew that voice belonged to Emma, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. There was commotion in the background.

“Big trouble…downtown New York…mercenaries…hostages…can’t get away! Need…the X-men! I…”

“Emma? Emma, I can’t hear you! What’s going on? Are you…”

“Hey bitch! Give me that damn phone!”

“Back off you ugly…”

“I said give it, bitch!”

Those last few words did not belong to Emma. They belonged to someone the Professor didn’t recognize. Whoever it was, it didn’t sound friendly. Before he could decipher more, he heard a gunshot. Then the line went dead.

“Emma? Emma are you there?!” he exclaimed.

Leaving Jean to rest, Scott got up and rushed over.

“What is it, Professor? Is she okay?!” he asked nervously.

Professor Xavier looked at the phone and then back at Scott with a look of dread. He had that same sinking feeling as his mentor. Something was up and if it involved Emma Frost, it could only be very dangerous.

“Assemble the team, Scott,” the Professor answered him, “Tell everyone to suit up and prepare for a hostage situation!”

“Emma is caught up in a hostage situation?” said Hank with a touch of skepticism, “As a hostage no less? I find that hard to believe.”

“I share your surprise, Hank. But I know what I heard and we must act!”

“How bad is it, Professor? Is zhis another Proteus level incident?” asked Kurt anxiously.

“Not quite, but if it’s too much for Emma Frost to handle then that does not bode well!” said Scott strongly.

The X-leader promptly rushed out the door in full urgency. Kurt followed him as well, not concerning himself too much with the details. Logan, however, wasn’t so eager.

“Not that I’m against a good fight, but what about Jeannie?” asked Logan.

“I’ll stay with her,” said Xavier as he wheeled up to his resting student, “If she has another episode, I’ll take care of it.”

“You don’t sound too sure of yourself, Chuck. You sure you can handle it?” said Logan skeptically, hesitating to leave Jean behind like this.

“She’s in good hands, Logan,” said Hank, coaxing the feral mutant away, “Overwhelming it may be, we must deal with crises as they come. And once we tell you about Emma Frost, you’ll see why.”

“Oh this I gotta hear,” he muttered.

Logan gave Jean one last worried look before following Hank out. He didn’t like the idea of leaving her at a time like this, but the X-men couldn’t shut down just because of her. It seemed this recovery period of theirs was not meant to last. Even with an ailing Jean Grey, there was still a hostile world out there and the X-men had to confront it.

The Phoenix Saga has always been a big part of the X-men mythos and with one issue down, I understand I have a big story ahead of me. I alsoI know that Jean Grey has some incredibly passionate fans out there. Some have already voiced their opinions on this series and the commission by Brian Brinlee that I posted with Issue 63: The Phoenix Saga Part 1. Some have even offered to Photoshop that image with variations of their own. As such, I'm opening the door to those of you who are Photoshop inclined to make your own twists on the officail image of Jean Grey in her Phoenix costume for X-men Supreme. Or come up with your own costume if you wish! I'll be happy to post it. If you wish to discuss this or just have some general comments, feel free to contact me at any time! Until next time, take care and best wishes! Excelsior!

Jack

Uncanny X-men #19 - Winning and Losing

What goes through the mind of someone who knows he's being screwed over in the worst possible way? When I was in school, I once saw one of the football players lose a bet that required him to walk down the hall in a cheerleader's outfit with a used tampon stuffed in his mouth. Several people nearly died laughing, but after I stopped laughing myself I couldn't help but wonder what that guy was thinking. Maybe he was contemplating how he would get back at the asshole who tempted him with the bet in the first place. Maybe he would use it as a lesson to always think first and not take unnecessary risks with idiot friends who have a history of steroid abuse. It would be the most responsible thing to do, but we all know that expecting characters in comics to be responsible is no more reasonable than expecting immature teenagers with access to unlimited supplies of weed to be responsible.

After the events of Avengers vs. X-men #12, there were a number of open wounds for Marvel to rub salt in. Cyclops played the part of the wound and the salt was fucking everybody. Even though he took responsibility for the shit he did when he went Dark Phoenix, he has to know on some levels that the Avengers and his fellow X-men screwed him over in a way that no amount of used tampons could ever match. He was the one trying to prevent his species from going extinct. And in the end he succeeded. Granted, he almost destroyed the whole fucking world in the process, but it wouldn't be the first time someone put innocent people at risk for the sake of a better tomorrow. I'm pretty sure the man who invented ski-masks had the best of intentions, just as Cyclops did. But now he has to deal with shit like attacking his girlfriend, nearly destroying the world, and being branded a criminal and a murderer by friends and foe alike. I still maintain it's not quite as bad as being forced to stick a used tampon in your mouth.

Since its inception, Uncanny X-men has explored many facets of Cyclops's character. Kieron Gillen has shown a great deal of talent in treating his character with balance. It's a shame that balance was kicked in the balls and blind-sided by Ray Lewis on meth during Avengers vs. X-men, but he's still in one piece and has a lot of shit to deal with. If anyone is equipped to explore the mind of the most screwed over comic character since Gwen Stacy, it's Gillen.

Avengers vs. X-men fucked a lot of shit up. Uncanny X-men #19 explores the musings of Cyclops while he's in full Dark Phoenix mode. He starts by recalling how he became Dark Phoenix after killing Charles Xavier. After that little tidbit, he proceeds with beating the shit out of the Avengers and turncoat X-men who are now mere Avengers groupies. It's basically the same shit we saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but with some added narration. The narration doesn't add much, but it does lend some credence to the notion that Cyclops was out of his fucking mind and could probably plead insanity at his trial. It worked for John Hinkley and nobody pestered him until he went Dark Phoenix.

While he's busy beating the shit out of the Avengers and their new X-groupies, he muses over the life of Scott Summers. But it's not a clean recollection. He doesn't remember these events in the same way normal non-Phoenix people remember it. This is where Kieron Gillen's skill is flexed in the same way Ron Jeremy flexes his cock. These narrations, of which we got next to none in Avengers vs. X-men #12, are from the perspective of a mind corrupt with power. He already demonstrated that perspective to a point in an earlier issue in his run. He takes it up a notch here by reviewing events like Cyclops meeting Xavier, meeting Jean, and Jean Grey dying on him (the first time) in a new context. It feels very alien without feeling too crazy, so maybe that insanity plea won't work after all.

These musings continue as Dark Phoenix Cyclops lays waste to the world he so pain-painstakingly tried to fix until the Avengers pissed him off and his mentor started treating him like a dog. I liken it to a cosmic temper tantrum. It's not unlike that 15-year-old girl on her period screaming at her parents at how they don't let her go out and get drunk enough, but not quite as destructive. The Avengers and their X-Groupies try to fight back, but don't accomplish much. It's glossed over for the most part and that's probably a good thing since we already saw that shit in Avengers vs. X-men #12. And the less we're reminded of how much that comic sucked, the better.

Then we get to the battle against Hope and the Scarlet Witch. This is where Cyclops finally shot his load too much, not unlike the guy on a porn set who prematurely ejaculates. But in this instance it involves more than just pretty images of Hope and the Scarlet Witch doing their best to distract readers that all this shit is still their fucking fault from the get go. It shows the inner conflict within Cyclops's mind, which isn't unlike the conflict Jean Grey often described in that the human side of him battled the corrupt Dark Phoenix side. It's subtle. It's not overblown and Gillen doesn't write a fucking novel describing the conflict, although some may which he had. But even if it's understated, he gets the point across. On some levels, Cyclops knows he's lost it and the Dark Phoenix is overwhelming him. Okay, so the insanity plea is back on!

In the midst of this battle, there's another interesting scene. As he's battling Hope and the Scarlet Witch, he muses over how small the world is. There are some interesting shots of him holding the world in his hand in the way Rupert Murdoch only thinks he can do when he's off his meds. It's not clear if this shit is all in his head or even when the fuck this happens. As interesting as Gillen's perspective is, he does absolutely nothing to help with the lack of coherence in Avengers vs. X-men #12. Hell, he makes it worse on some levels because some of these scenes contradict what happened in the main series. But as I said in my Avengers vs. X-men #12 review, I've given up on expecting Marvel to make sense anymore.

But Gillen does expand on some moments. In Avengers vs. X-men #12, Cyclops got a brief visit from the shadowy figure of Jean Grey. She's the one that encouraged him to let the Phoenix go. Well in this issue, he pays a quick visit to the White Hot Room, or at least the door to it. From it, he appears to hear Jean Grey tell him he's an idiot and she likes the fact that she has a school named after her. Maybe that was part of what got him to let the Phoenix go, but it's a nice addition since Marvel has done so much to avoid using Jean Grey at all costs and resorting to making some shitty rip-off character that looks just like her. It still doesn't make sense of the vision he saw in Avengers vs. X-men #12, but a little extra Jean Grey references go a long way.

After he's done with this little god-trip, we flash forward to the aftermath. It's not a very smooth transition, but again this is an instance where the less reminders we get about how much Avengers vs. X-men #12 sucked the better. It's also another instance where it's not clear when this happens. It probably takes place before Cyclops had his little conversation/bullshit interrogation with Captain America, but again it's not clear and no one should expect it to be. In the same sense, nobody should expect Beast to be such a raging douche-bag. He's been condemning Cyclops as often as 15-year-old boy with an internet connection masturbates. And while offering no fucking alternative, of course. And this time he has plenty of blame to lay into Cyclops. He ignores the fact that Cyclops was right about Hope using the Phoenix to save the mutant race or the fact that it was the Avengers who provoked him in the first place. He just blames Cyclops in the same way Iran blames the Jews.

But there's one key detail that gets Cyclops's attention. Beast lets it slip that the Phoenix has completely undone M-Day and new mutants are emerging. Suddenly, Beast's bullshit is forgotten quicker than Flavor Flav's last reality show. Because that's what Cyclops focused on. Beast seemed to forget that the entire fucking point of this conflict was to undo M-Day with help from Hope and the Phoenix Force. And guess what? He succeeded. So suck it, Beast!

It leads to a very satisfying final panel where Cyclops walks out from whatever makeshift tent they were holding him in and he holds his head high. Sure, he killed Xavier. Sure, he fucked up the world (after turning it into a global utopia). But he succeeded in his mission. He saved the mutant race by being right about Hope and the Phoenix all along. Yet will Beast concede that? Fuck no! Will the Avengers concede that? Fuck no! But he knows it's true and anyone reading these books that hasn't had half their brains cut out know that too. So while Marvel has ensured that everyone in the comics thinks Cyclops sodomizes orphans in his spare time, in the grand scheme of things he won on some levels. Not in the Charlie Sheen sense, but he did save his species and Hank McCoy can suck his balls.

Reading Uncanny X-men under Kieron Gillen has done more than just given me an appreciation for guys with sexy British accents. Gillen does something in this comic that wasn't done in Avengers vs. X-men or most any comic Marvel has published throughout the course of this event. It fucking made sense. Gillen puts the same effort into telling the story of a character as he does in telling the story of a couple of cosmic powered mutants beating up an entire species of Mr. Sinisters. He finds a way to make it compelling both on a personal level and on that more primal level that compels us to watch with our tongues hanging out as shit blows up.

This issue also made me sad that Kieron Gillen will be leaving the X-books soon to make way for Brian Bendis and All New X-men. He did a good job of telling the story of Cyclops from the perspective of a guy who has been supercharged by a cosmic power and driven batshit crazy. You either have to be brilliant as fucked or high as fucked to tell that story. And since Kieron Gillen hasn't been arrested for pissing on a sheriff's boot at three in the morning, I'm assuming he's brilliant. His insight into Cyclops was a great summation of his journey through Avengers vs. X-men. The resulting aftermath with Beast was a great conclusion to that journey. Hell, it was more satisfying than the shitty conversation he had with Captain America in Avengers vs. X-men #12. At least it makes sense for Beast to be a complete asshole. And Cyclops should walk out feeling vindicated because he was right. Hope was meant to wield the Phoenix and she was meant to undo M-Day. He was right and he can give the finger to Captain America despite being arrested while Wanda Maximoff (who made this shit possible) is completely forgiven.

The most glaring issue here though is that there are moments which really don't line up at all with the main Avengers vs. X-men series. I'm inclined to label this a good thing since that series sucked elephant balls in the end. The encounter with Jean Grey along with the discussion with Beast was more incoherence in a series where incoherence is so concentrated that if it were a food additive it would give you cancer with one drop. And as good as Cyclops's conversation with Beast was, it really didn't add anything that Avengers vs. X-men #12 didn't already show. Cyclops was right and mutants are back. We get it. We don't need to be reminded in another comic. Even if Gillen tells it better, this is one instance we're painful reminders are just too painful.

Uncanny X-men #12 is still a good comic, although most of that goodness is ruined by the sheer shit storm that Avengers vs. X-men #12 unleashed. Gillen does his best to link up with it even when he shouldn't. It doesn't link up very well, but the details are compelling and it does have a more satisfying conclusion even if the circumstances are still fucked. I give Uncanny X-men #12 a 3.5 out of 5. Gillen had a pile of shit to work with and while he manged to make it shine somewhat, the stench will still make you vomit. But hey, a few lost meals for a Kieron Gillen Uncanny X-men comic is a fair trade in my book! Nuff said.

Avengers vs. X-men #12 - Epic Cosmic Failure

Strap on your rubber boots, stuff your nose with cotton balls, and drink a gallon of paint thinner because it's finally here! Marvel's once promising epic crossover turned Category 5 shit storm is coming to an end! Avengers vs. X-men, the once promising mega-event that Marvel promised would be the greatest innovation in comics since Emma Frost's breast implants started off like an ecstasy fueled orgy at the Playboy Mansion. Then beginning with the 10th issue, it turned into a prostate exam with a boxing glove. After 9 issues, Marvel pretty much just said "fuck it" and ditched everything that made the story compelling. They threw away the story with Hope and any potential Jean Grey connection. They threw away any notion of making the conflict between the Avengers and X-men balanced on any level. Hell, they might as well have been a paranoid schizophrenic throwing away their medications and then watching the Matrix. It's been that fucked up. So it is with a sense of relief, mercy, and a touch of a hangover that this epic tribute on how NOT to do a major comic event comes to an end.

Now to be fair, Avengers vs. X-men still has had some pretty awesome moments. Watching Cyclops beat up Captain America was great. Seeing Emma Frost utterly neuter Thor will always put a smile on my face. And seeing Storm and Black Panther's relationship dissolve in a spectacle that would even disgust Chris Brown ensures that this event will have some slivers of gold in the mountain of shit it turned out to be. But there's a saying by some guy I used to smoke weed with before he disappeared mysteriously in the jungles of Columbia. Even a 100 epic beginnings can be nullified by 1 epic ending. There was something else he said about bratty, redheaded Jean Grey rip-offs, but at this point I'm pretty sure he was out of his fucking mind.

But as critical as I've been towards Avengers vs. X-men, I'm always willing to give a story a chance to redeem itself at least in part (unless it involves cat people dongs, ie X-men Legacy). Even though at this point the story has devolved to a point where it couldn't be awesome even if it was printed on Pamela Anderson's tits, there's still a chance that it could at least become less shitty. Marvel has already made a big deal about the aftermath of this series and how it will lead into the Marvel NOW! relaunch. And even I'm not drunk enough to deny that some of that shit looks pretty damn sweet, but it'll definitely be sweeter if Avengers vs. X-men doesn't end up swirling the toilet bowl with hangover vomit mixed with purified shit.

That may be a tall order after Avengers vs. X-men #11 because Marvel once again went out of their way to ditch the little things like detail and plot, opting instead to just try to shock readers into not regretting paying four bucks for this shit. After being poked, prodded, tempted, and talked down to like a dog, Cyclops finally lost his shit. He killed Xavier, attacked his girlfriend, stole her part of the Phoenix Force, and went Dark Phoenix. It was less a story and more a case study in how you shit all over a character for incredibly shitty reasons without having to call it German fetish porn. Now I've been in favor of Cyclops being humbled for a while. A guy who runs his own country and gets to bone Emma Frost is bound to let shit go to his head at some point. But if you're going to humble him, at least have that shit make sense. Cyclops spent the past few issues with everyone claiming he's a fucking monster after he used his Phoenix powers to create a worldwide Utopia. Not only that, the only way they try to reason with him is to fight him. Even when it clearly makes shit worse, they keep doing it like that retarded kid in grade school who wouldn't stop eating the paste. Marvel could have at least tried to be more cohesive in his downfall, but that would have required thinking.

In addition, they've pretty much ignored Hope Summers and haven't tried to make her any less a little bitch. If anything, they've made her even more unlikable, if that's not a feat in and of itself. Not only did she run off from the X-men, but she later agreed to leave with the Avengers after the X-men went to great lengths to save her ass in Second Coming. Instead, she didn't just trust the assholes who don't have a lick of experience in dealing with the Phoenix. She trusted Wanda fucking Maximoff, as in the same bitch who made her messiah tricks necessary. Not only that, Marvel reached into the deepest recesses of their asses and pulled out some elaborate story about how the Phoenix Force is connected to K'un L'un and some other redheaded Jean Grey rip-off named Fongi. Speaking of which, that connection between Hope Summers and Jean Grey that was hinted at so many times before? Completely forgotten. Now I've blacked out many times and forgotten some pretty messed up shit, namely where I parked my car and who shit in my pants. But something that blatant? Fuck, even I can't drink that much. But sooner or later, Hope Summers has to do something that makes her partially redeemable. And since Avengers vs. X-men #12 is the last issue, it's now or never for the little rip-off bitch.

Avengers vs. X-men #12 starts by just reminding readers how fucked they are and how little thought Marvel has given to the details. Iron Man basically summarizes that when Wanda went nuts and tried to wipe out the mutant race, the Phoenix Force got pissed because it fucked up its sense of cosmic order. Hope was basically the yin to Wanda's yang/nervous breakdown. She's supposed to be to the Phoenix what Wanda is to her crazy chaos magic that she used to butt-fuck the universe. And together, they're best equipped to stop Cyclops and the Phoenix. In other words, Cyclops was right. Hope needs to take on the Phoenix Force and the Avengers were fucking stupid to try and prevent it in the first place. That's how fucked this story is and how fucked readers should feel.

This knowledge isn't lost on Hope, aka the Jean Grey ripoff that is still an arrogant bitch. She finally points out to Wanda that all this shit is her fault. And she's right. It was her fault. She's responsible for M-Day. She's responsible for Hope having to be born in the first place. Hell, she's responsible for Hope having to be this arrogant little bitch that ditches the people who did everything to save her ass and trusts people who didn't give a damn about her until the world was coming to an end. So yeah, Wanda deserves to get her ass kicked and to shoulder some of the blame. But will she be held accountable for M-Day in the same way Cyclops will probably be held accountable for Xavier's death? Fuck no! That shit might actually make sense. It's just a flashy little fight between two bitches that have done nothing but fuck up reality. And flashy is fun. It's just not as fun as it would be if they were naked and covered in rum.

But that shit happened in a flashback. In the present, Cyclops has gone Dark Phoenix after all the bullshit and pestering the Avengers have done since they personally split the Phoenix. Oh wait, the Avengers were responsible for splitting the Phoenix? I'm sorry, but that shit was never mentioned. It's all just Cyclops going on a rampage while the Avengers and the X-men who have since decided to become Avengers groupies trying to keep the world intact. There's not even a thought bubble that says "Hmm...maybe we shouldn't have tried to shoot the Phoenix with one of Stark's crazy inventions or keep poking Cyclops until he went nuts." It just gives the impression that Cyclops is evil now and the Avengers had no part in it. Really Marvel? You can't spare a fucking thought bubble anymore?

As is often the case with Dark Phoenix, everyone is obscenely outmatched. Cyclops beats up and bitch-slaps everyone that tries to attack him. He compares it to them trying to snuff out the sun by throwing pebbles at it. It's a pretty fair comparison. One of those pebbles is named Nova, as in the same annoying kid from that shitty Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon that first reported that the Phoenix was coming. Well, he shows up to blind-side the Phoenix. You get the sense that Marvel just realized they were running out of pages and needed to do something with Nova so they did the least creative thing possible. There's being contrived and then there's just being lazy. Nova does absolutely nothing to change the nature of this battle aside from allowing Marvel to say they didn't ignore him. Really? That's worth wasting a two-page spread? When did you treat story like Congress treats debt, Marvel?

The tide finally does turn when Hope and the Scarlet Witch enter the battle. Really? It took them this fucking long after they did absolutely jack shit in the last issue? The Avengers decided it didn't make tactical sense to lead with the Yin and Yang that Iron Man told them in a flashback? They just had to screw with the Phoenix even more until it went Dark Phoenix? Again, there isn't so much as a fucking thought bubble to explain this obscenely shitty tactic! Did they think they needed another challenge? And that was worth incurring the wrath of Dark Phoenix?

It's yet another detail Marvel has overlooked, almost as much as any hint of a Hope/Jean Grey connection. They just needed their heroes to look stupid first by attacking something they knew they couldn't stop until Hope and the Scarlet Witch had taken their thumbs out of their asses to actually participate! What makes this shit all the more egregious is that their combined efforts finally do turn the tide. Without any other help from the Avengers, they're able to disrupt Dark Phoenix's rampage. I's still not all that epic. Again, being naked and covered in rum would help, but that may just be another extra that makes too much sense for Marvel.

The combined efforts of Hope and the Scarlet Witch finally overwhelm Cyclops. It allows the Avengers to finally participate and not look like they're pissing into the wind. Again, why the fuck didn't they just wait until Hope and the Scarlet Witch softened him up ahead of time? I seriously cannot wrap my head around that shit. But in the end it does weaken Cyclops to a point where the non-crazy part of his brain kicks in and he asks them to kill him. But the crazy is just too strong and he tries to fight back. That's when after 11 issues of Phoenix, we finally get a shadowy glimpse of Jean Grey.

Now maybe this shit is all in his head. That's probably the official story at Marvel so they can still say Jean is dead with a straight face. But whatever ti is, Jean's figure shows up to Cyclops and she tells him to let the Phoenix go. Emma doesn't tell him this. Xavier doesn't tell him this. It's Jean. She's the one who can get through to his sorry ass. It's probably the only shit in this battle that makes sense at this point. But at least we can say partially that Jean Grey does show up in Avengers vs. X-men, but at the last fucking moment no less. As if she couldn't do this before Cyclops killed Xavier. Again, that shit would just make too much sense. Really Marvel? What do you have against stories that make sense? Do they make you sick or something? If so, see a fucking doctor and quit using it as an excuse to fuck up good comics.

Cyclops takes Jean's advice. He finally lets the Phoenix Force go and it in turn goes directly to Hope Summers...as in, the same Hope Summers that was supposed to get the fucking Phoenix in the first place! This time, the Avengers don't get in her way. They don't try to blast it with one of Tony Stark's gadgets. They just let the Phoenix take Hope...as they should have fucking done in the first fucking issue! And what happens? The world doesn't end. That's right. It took a royal fuck-up that led Cyclops to go Dark Phoenix for them to realize that Hope is meant to wield the Phoenix. And with it, she essentially repairs the damage Cyclops did...after he did the exact same thing without being a messiah and without any bullshit training in K'un L'un. Again, is Marvel allergic to stories that make sense?

This scene only confirms something I suspected after smoking enough weed. Marvel purposefully dragged this series out because they knew it would sell more. And you know what? They're right. Fear Itself was just 7 issues and that's not enough money for their Disney overlords. So what's the solution? Draw a story out much longer than it needs to be. The whole point of the battle between the Avengers and the X-men was because one side wanted the Phoenix to go to Hope and the other didn't. Well now the Phoenix took Hope and it fucking worked. All that shit with the Phoenix Five didn't need to happen. It was just padded on and/or an excuse to fuck up Cyclops beyond repair. I'm not sure which reason was more pressing, but I'm pretty sure padding it and the money that would result played a bigger role.

After Hope is done fixing the damage that Cyclops did (only after the Avengers made it possible in the first place) she takes on the same White Phoenix costume that Jean Grey used to wield. So now she doesn't just look like Jean Grey and use the Phoenix like Jean Grey. She has to dress like her as well in the EXACT SAME FUCKING COSTUME! And yet Marvel did absolutely nothing to explain a link between her and Jean if there was one?

But I digress. The key moment here is where the Scarlet Witch comes in. She tells Hope that before she does what Cyclops did and try to fix the world, she should consider why she's the mutant messiah. She says it isn't because she can wield the Phoenix. It's because she can let that shit go and somehow that's going to fix everything. It makes about as much sense as saying that holding a magnet to your nuts will cure cancer. But at this point I've given up hoping that this story will make sense.

With help from the Scarlet Witch, Hope released the Phoenix with a "No more Phoenix" spell. This causes it's power to spread out, as explained by the Stepford Cuckoos, and undo M-day. All over the world, mutants start popping up again. And it's not just isolated mutants and Akira rip-offs that Hope has to fix. These are real mutants that M-Day nearly wiped out. This has another grave implication. It means Cyclops was fucking right all along! Hope was meant to undo M-Day. The Phoenix was meant to save the mutant race. He was fucking right all along and the Avengers just got in the way until the world got fucked up enough for them to realize that they screwed up. Oh wait, they didn't fucking realize that! They just watch in the same way a cow watches two horses fuck each other. And all Hope had to do was fucking let it go. Really? She needed training for that shit?!

Even though the Avengers were the ones that fucked up the Phoenix and got in the way from Hope doing what needed to be done, Cyclops is still arrested. He's still the big villain that must pay for the crimes that the Avengers themselves started. To his credit, Cyclops admits his guilt. He and Captain America have a little conversation in a ruby quartz cell where Cyclops basically laments for what he's done. He knows he killed Xavier and went crazy. And he wants to take full responsibility, even though Emma and the rest of the Phoenix Five are still missing. Captain America takes some of the blame as well, but not for provoking the Phoenix Force or anything that logical. He just admits that the Avengers were assholes for not helping mutants when they should have. That's it. That's all he apologizes for. Yet he has the balls to yell at Cyclops and call him a criminal? Hearing that from Captain America almost makes me want to renounce my citizenship and move to Switzerland.

That would have been a pretty shitty ending to the story. But Marvel just can't resist making it even more shitty. They show that Hope, after finally fulfilling her destiny, is still fucking alive! This annoying, bratty, arrogant, rip-off character didn't die in releasing the Phoenix. She's still in one piece and looking like the rip-off character we've all come to despise. I thought messiahs were supposed to sacrifice? What the fuck did she sacrifice? She betrayed the X-men, acted like an arrogant brat, and came off without a scratch. That, my friends, is how you make shit shittier.

Allow me to take a deep breath and a shot of heroine to gather my thoughts before closing the book on this herculean clusterfuck that Marvel has conjured. I'll start by saying that Avengers vs. X-men #12 didn't make shit any worse. That's the absolute least we could have hoped for at this point. But beyond that, it really did nothing that would make me conclude, either drunk or sober, that this story was even remotely decent. It did succeed in one key aspect though. It undid M-Day. It finally took mutants off the endangered species list and it did so exactly as Cyclops thought it would by having Hope use the Phoenix Force kickstart the mutant race again. So in the end, he was right and Captain America was wrong. Yet still Cyclops lost and is labeled a douche-bag. It makes about as much sense as an economics lecture by a drunk Glenn Beck. But beyond restarting the mutant race, it also forced the Avengers to admit they were twiddling their thumbs while mutants were being ass-fucked by karma. It effectively sets the stage for Marvel NOW! It also humbles Cyclops in a way that's been overdue for quite some time. Granted, it was more excessive than Marlon Brando's caloric intake, but now he's not the ruler of a country that's boning Emma Frost on the side. He's been utterly screwed so hopefully that means the rabid anti-Cyclops crowd will finally shut the fuck up for at least five minutes. Plus, it ended the Storm/Black Panther marriage. Let's face it, that alone does give this story some merit because that relationship was more screwed than Tiger Woods's marriage.

That's the good. The bad is a billion times worse. The conclusion of Avengers vs. X-men is a case study in what happens when you give a drunk a frontal lobotomy and unlimited amounts of alcohol before telling him to organize a story. This issue is like that asshole that drives a Hummer, runs over people, and doesn't even bother to slow down to take note of who they just maimed. The bikers in this case are the details and cohesiveness to this story. Cyclops went Dark Phoenix and terrorized the utopian world he created. Yet no one seemed to realize that he only did this after every fucking hero on the planet kept poking him with a stick and finding new ways to piss him off. All Captain America admitted to was that he didn't help mutants when he should have. He never admitted that he was wrong to just pick a fight with the X-men when he didn't know shit about the Phoenix.

That leads to the absolute most egregious detail of the story. The Avengers were fucking wrong in keeping the Phoenix away from Hope. Had they just gotten out of the way and let Hope do her shit, she would have fixed everything without all this Phoenix Five shit in the first place! In the end they pretty much ignored the fact that they fought tooth and nail to keep the Phoenix from getting to her, but only found out in the end that it had to happen. And all that so-called 'training' she did in K'un L'un? What the fuck was it even for? All she had to do was fucking let the Phoenix go. Do you really need to train for that shit? She did with the Phoenix exactly what Cyclops did and fixed the world. And he didn't need any training. So why the fuck would Hope? It essentially renders all those details about the Phoenix and its history with K'un L'un that Marvel pissed out like ricey diarrhea completely worthless.

Moreover, Hope Summers is still fucking alive! That's the second most egregious detail. This annoying brat/Jean Grey ripoff is still fucking breathing after this series. I know I've made my hatred of Hope very clear in recent times, but Marvel keeps finding ways to make her easier to hate. First, they constantly tease a link between her and Jean Grey and claim it will be explained in Avengers vs. X-men. But do we get those details? Fuck no! All we get is Hope ditching the X-men after they sacrificed damn near everything to save her ungrateful ass and trusting the Avengers, who ended up being dead wrong about her and the Phoenix anyways. Not only that, we have a teenage Jean Grey coming back in All New X-men. That shit is confirmed. Yet we still have this annoying little bitch who looks like her and was teased to be her still alive? If the shitty organization of Avengers vs. X-men didn't make it worth less than the paper you wipe your ass with, that shit sure does.

This event had so much promise. It started off as one of the best events I've ever read and I was so hopeful that it would raise the bar for Marvel moving forward. But once again, I've learned to never trust Marvel with big events. They only know how to start. They don't know how to finish. They can jump out of a plane with ease, but they don't know how to work the fucking parachute. Avengers vs. X-men was an egregiously bad event in that it failed to understand its own logic and was about as cohesive as Britney Spears's second marriage. The fine folks at Marvel have adopted a "Fuck the finer details" policy while thinking that the only way to develop a character is through fucking character assassination. After the sheer disappointment left by Fear Itself, Avengers vs. X-men found a way to actually lower the bar. For that, I give Avengers vs. X-men #12 a 2 out of 5. It would have been much lower, but it wasn't bad enough to make me want to ditch Marvel NOW! For the next big event, I just hope that Marvel starts giving more of a shit.

So it's over. The Phoenix is gone again and we're still stuck with Hope fucking Summers. Marvel has taken a massive shit on Cyclops's character while going out of their way to make the Avengers come out smelling like Scarlet Johannen's breasts. All I can say is good riddance, fuck Avengers vs. X-men, fuck Hope Summers, and fuck I need a beer and a mountain of blow. Nuff said!

All New X-men #1 Preview: More Promise and More Bullshit

A while back, I did a post on some previews for All New X-men #1 that had been recently released by Marvel. Not content to merely offer fans a whiff of the shit they have planned, a few more panels have been released. I meant to post them sooner, but I wasn't sure how much more Marvel was going to post. That and I may have gotten drunk again. Okay, so maybe one was more a factor than the other. But the fine folks at Newsarma have compiled all the images released thus far and the scripts. I'll leave it to my wonderful readers how much it soaks their panties.

Page 16-17:

4- Iceman is next to Hank, who leans on the blackbird.  Trying to disguise [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]... And says it.

ICEMAN
The thing is Ororo, I've known Scott longer than ANYONE.

Me AND Hank.

We've known him forever.  We were the ORIGINAL X-Men.

The Scott we grew up with - he would HATE this.

Page 15:

5- Ororo is angry and the sky behind her is dark purple wind and lightening.  The wind is insane.

ORORO

I KNOW!!

I know, Kitty.

But a fight like this will end in half the mutants dead and half the world hating us.

All we’ve been doing here will have been for nothing.