All-New Wolverine #6: Nuff Said!

Even if 99 percent of a concept sucks worse than a Kardashian at an NBA All-Star game, there’s still that tiny 1 percent where it doesn’t suck. When it comes to stories involving clones in comics, it’s usually a matter of those that merely suck and those that would make a donkey eat its own shit until it chokes to death. Spider-Man can attest to this better than most. However, there is a sliver of that 1 percent where a clone story is capable of being awesome and all of that sliver belongs to X-23.

Yes, she’s a clone. Yes, she has abilities are pretty much the same as Wolverine. However, that’s where the similarities end. Instead of just being a clone in both looks and skills, X-23 has developed her own distinct personality. What a fucking concept, right? That personality has grown a lot since she debuted in the X-men Evolution cartoon and now she’s taken on the mantel of Wolverine. And Tom Taylor has gone out of his way to make it clear that she’s worthy of that title. All-New Wolverine #6 gives him a chance to add even more. While I’m not used to cheering for a fucked up teenage girl in any story, let alone a clone, I gladly make an exception for X-23.

Remember Captain Mooney? The man responsible for torturing X-23’s three clone sisters and killing one of them? Well, it turns out X-23 didn’t let him off easy by just straight up murdering his ass. And I’m not usually in favor of brutal slaughter unless it involves a Saw movie or sparkling vampires, but I make another exception here. If ever there was a time to employ the full brutality of Wolverine on someone who deserved it, it’s this asshole.

But X-23, much like her predecessor, understands that there’s a difference between punishing an asshole and flat out slaughtering the shit that came from it. Understanding this, she and her sisters let Mooney get away and return to his fellow assholes at Alchemax Genetics. Since he’s also a total dip-shit on top of being an asshole, he doesn’t realize until it’s too late that they let him get away so they could track him. So if anyone still had a sliver of sympathy left for this guy, he just pissed it all away.

So now they know where Captain Mooney’s base is and it’s full of the assholes behind this latest cloning clusterfuck. On top of that, X-23 and her clone sisters also stole some weapons from Captain Mooney. Did I also mention those weapons come with a big fucking jeep? So yeah, it’s going to be one of those fights. Metal claws are all well and good, but there’s just something special about driving a big fucking jeep into an evil cloning facility and blowing it the fuck up. I’m sure Peter Parker is somewhere out there shedding tears of joy.

Shit starts blowing up. People start shooting. It’s a fucking Wolverine fight. There’s not much to it and there doesn’t need to be. Once they run out of shit to blow up, X-23 and her clone sisters opts for the direct approach. That involves guns, claws, and the kind of reckless brutality that gives Quentin Tarantino a boner. It’s not overly drawn out. It doesn’t have to be. Big fucking explosions will do that. After all the shit Captain Mooney put them through, I can understand why they’d be in a hurry to fuck him up once and for all.

This does end up working against them. One of X-23’s clone sisters, Bellona, gets ahead of herself and manages to get shot in the fucking head. To those who cried at the end of Toy Story 3, don’t worry. She feels no pain and she’s a clone of X-23. Getting shot in the head is basically no worse than a toothache. It does force X-23 and her remaining sister, Gabby, to adjust their attack. But it doesn’t derail their efforts to repaint the entire base with Mooney’s blood.

Bellona is down for the count while X-23 and Gabby reorganize. But being the total dip-shits they are, the fine folk at Alchemax Genetics decide to take her body into their labs to run some tests. Because what could possibly go wrong by bringing in a pissed off clone that they already tortured once right into the heart of their facility?

The result is somewhat predictable. Bellona wakes up, but doesn’t get too stab-happy. It’s a clear sign of the effect that X-23 has had on her clone sisters. She’s managed to teach them that stabbing shit first isn’t always the most effective way to deal with a problem. Sure, it works in many situations and not just when the hipster at Starbucks gets your order wrong. But there’s a time and a place for stabbing. Two inexperienced scientists who thought it would be a good idea to work at a cloning facility isn’t one of them.

In the same way Logan helped X-23 understand the benefits of occasional mercy, X-23 is doing the same for her sisters. It’s a beautiful thing and on top of the explosions, there’s plenty of beauty to go around.

Bellona lets the hapless scientists go so they can seriously re-evaluate their choice of employer moving forward. She also hits the fire alarm because cloning facilities can’t have enough “fuck yous!” She then meets up with X-23 and Gabby, but only after she’s had a chance to slaughter and/or maim the guards that Mooney called in for backup. Remember, I did say they learned occasional mercy from X-23. This just wasn’t one of those occasions. If nothing else, it should discourage anyone from ever being a guard at a cloning facility.

There was another benefit to letting those scientists go. They agreed, probably after shitting themselves multiple times, to upload all of Alchemax Genetics’ dirty data into a server for SHIELD. X-23 then makes a personal call to Maria Hill, who doesn’t appreciate it at first, but I imagine that shutting down an illegal cloning facility is one of the few things that’ll put a smile on her face that doesn’t involve putting bullets in the Red Skull.

They still can’t let SHIELD have all the fun. There’s no way they’re going to let anyone just arrest Captain Mooney so he can live out his days in a cozy prison cell. That’s too much mercy. Even Charles Xavier would call that excessive. So together, as only a clone and her clone sisters can, they find Captain Mooney as he’s trying to escape, and they fuck him up one last time. It’s not quite as bad as it was in the previous issue. Again, it doesn’t have to be. This is just them finishing what they started. Tom Taylor put a lot of time and effort into making us hate Captain Mooney’s guts. So when X-23 and her clone sisters finally murder his ass, it’s as satisfying as a blowjob and a cold beer.

With Mooney dead, that leaves just one asshole left to stop the flow of clone shit. That asshole is Chandler, the stereotypical creepy old guy who looks like someone who would clone a bunch of teenage girls for sickeningly obscene reasons. While he didn’t torment X-23’s clone sisters as directly as Mooney did, he’s still chief asshole of this latest cloning clusterfuck. X-23 makes sure he gets a hard lesson in what it feels like to be turned into a meat puppet. It’s not even remotely as sexy as it sounds.

It’s another defining moment for X-23 and one that shows her growth, both as Wolverine and as a character. Her first inclination is probably to slaughter him and use his entrails as cake toppings. However, Logan and the X-men taught her restraint on a level that is not often associated with living weapons. It gives her the strength to spare Chandler so that he can rot in a prison cell, courtesy of Maria Hill. It’s a defining strength for Wolverine and one X-23 wields proudly. Excuse me. I just teared up a little.

X-23 isn’t the only one to show the value of the lessons she’s learned. Gabby, the smaller and cuter of the clone sisters, shows that she’s learned that lesson as well. Make no mistake though. She’s not Disney princess. She could kill Chandler with a bobby pin if she wanted. She gets a chance to at least take an eye out or kick out a couple of teeth. But like X-23, she shows that she knows the merits of restraint. She just makes him shit himself one last time before she leaves.

So Gabby learns a lesson that X-23 took much longer to learn under Logan. Ignoring for a moment Logan’s poor teaching skills, it helps create another nice moment between X-23 and her new clone sister. Gabby isn’t Ben Riley. She’s not Kaine Parker either. Like X-23, she was an innocent victim who was born and bred to kill. She dared to give a big middle finger to that purpose and X-23 helped her. It’s a perfect summation of all the themes that make X-23 awesome and now she gets to share that awesome with a kid sister. It couldn’t be more fitting without having its own show on the Disney Channel, albeit with less blood and explosions.

But what about Bellona? She’s not as cute as Gabby and not quite as inclined to embrace the lessons X-23 taught. So ended up ditching X-23, but left Chandler behind for SHIELD. So what’s next for her? Make a living as a cos-player or a professional buffalo wing eater? Well, she already has a new career in mind and that career has a partner. And as it just so happens, it’s someone who regularly pleasures herself to X-23’s suffering.

Yes, it’s Kimura. X-23 fans who followed her during her New X-men days can take a moment to squee. Logan had Sabretooth as an arch nemesis for decades. Kimura is as close a nemesis as X-23 has. She’s as menacing as she is doable. And now she has an X-23 clone at her disposal. The horror and the awesome of the possibilities cannot be understated.

So...is it awesome?

Yes. No ambiguity. No poop joke. Just a plain, simple fuck-the-hell yes. All-New Wolverine #6 is awesome. All-New Wolverine as a concept is awesome. The fact I’m saying this about a clone makes it worth emphasizing just how awesome it is. X-23 isn’t just a clone anymore. She’s fucking Wolverine. She doesn’t just embody who he is or once was. She’s carrying on his legacy in all the right ways.

Beyond the potent mix of brutality and heart, Tom Taylor captured all the right elements of a Wolverine story. It’s a story that feels like it could work with Logan just as well as it could with X-23. But it’s the reveal at the end that helps reinforce that this is X-23’s story and not just Logan’s. While this might not be sufficient for those who want Logan to return from the dead as we all know he will at some point, be it a retcon or more time travel bullshit, those same people can’t deny that X-23 can rock that yellow spandex in all the right ways. Plus, with all due respect to Hugh Jackman, it looks way better on her anyways.

Final Score: 10 out of 10

New Dynamics with a Familiar Face: Invincible Iron Man #7

The following is my review of Invincible Iron Man #7, which was posted on PopMatters.com.

From a purely pragmatic standpoint, creating a compelling Iron Man story creates a unique set of challenges. A writer has to make a rich, good-looking, genius playboy likeable without turning him into a Charlie Sheen archetype. Needless to say, this is not as easy as Robert Downey Jr. makes it out to be.

Tony Stark does a lot of things that would earn plenty of scorn, criticism, and negative hashtags in the real world. He's profited from the sale of deadly weapons, he's chased beautiful women to an extent that even Hugh Hefner would find excessive, and he's carried himself with an ego that is almost on par with Kanye West.

Despite these challenges, Brian Michael Bendis has succeeded in rising to the occasion throughout the course of Invincible Iron Man. He doesn't just put Tony Stark in a position for him to show off his unparalleled tech-savvy or his Robert Downey Jr. type charisma. He puts him in situations that reveal his insecurities.

As hard as it might be for anyone outside the top tax bracket to contemplate, even billionaires have insecurities. Even a billionaire that hangs out with Captain America and full-blooded Asgardians struggles with it. Bendis even makes the case that billionaires in that position struggle more than most. It certainly doesn't help when demons, vindictive women, and Dr. Doom enter the mix as well. There is a limit to how much his obscene wealth can mask such vulnerabilities.

Regardless of how well they're masked, these vulnerabilities have helped create a narrative in Invincible Iron Man that makes Tony Stark a genuinely intriguing character by doing something that isn't easy to do with someone of his wealth and resources. It humanizes him. As this series has unfolded, Tony has humbled himself in ways he doesn't usually show unless Thanos has him under his boot.

His battles against Madam Masque and his uneasy team-ups with Dr. Doom add plenty of spectacle around that humility. Invincible Iron Man #7 attempts to add new dimensions to this spectacle. Unlike previous spectacles, this one involves Mary Jane Watson. As Spider-Man fans can attest, she's a spectacle unto herself and one that might seem out of place in Iron Man's world. However, Brian Michael Bendis makes the case that Mary Jane isn't just qualified to navigate this world. Her ability to handle this world and look good while doing it might as well be a superpower.

It might not sit well with Spider-Man fans. It might not sit well with Iron Man fans either. This is because Mary Jane Watson has been built around a certain set of assumptions. She existed for many years as a love interest and someone who attracts pumpkin bombs almost as much as she attracts men. She only ever seemed to exist as Peter Parker's wife/girlfriend/love interest. Her growing beyond that role is a very recent concept. In fact, there are terrible reality shows that have existed longer than this concept.

It's because of this concept, building Mary Jane Watson up as someone other than a love interest for Spider-Man, that she fits into Tony Stark's world. A good chunk of Invincible Iron Man #7 is spent establishing just how comfortable Mary Jane is in a world where bombs, be the shaped like pumpkins or something else, are likely to go off at any given moment. At no point is she overwhelmed, intimidated, or even anxious. She survived dating Spider-Man. That makes her more qualified than most women. Gwen Stacy can attest to this.

Beyond Mary Jane's ability to handle the pressure, she is never bedazzled by Tony Stark's wealth, charm, or brand. She never carries herself as a rich man's groupie whose primary job is to exist as arm candy. She certainly could if she wanted to, but she doesn't. If this had happened 20 years ago, it would've been shocking. Since it's 2016, it just feels overdue.

Instead of being arm candy, Mary Jane relies on her wit and personality, which make her immune to Tony Stark's charms while making him vulnerable to hers. Even for a man in an iron suit, it's another vulnerability that Tony isn't used to dealing with. For the narrative that Invincible Iron Man has established, it's perfectly in line with the Tony Stark that Bendis has been developing. It's still hard to feel sorry for a man who can fly to Tokyo without dealing with the TSA, but he's still painfully human in a way that's easy to respect.

With Tony and Mary Jane, Brian Michael Bendis dedicates significant, albeit excessive, time and energy establishing a unique dynamic. It's a dynamic that is the very antithesis of 50 Shades of Grey in that the handsome rich man interacts with a beautiful woman in a way that never becomes romantic, sexual, or abusive. It might come off as jarring that a man like Tony Stark can exercise such restraint, but it feels like it shouldn't be in an era where movies like Mad Max: Fury Road are an unmitigated success.

As well-developed as this dynamic is, it doesn't do much to move the narrative forward. So much time is spent bringing Mary Jane into Tony's world that it's easy to forget that there's another ongoing story where bombs that are definitely not pumpkin shaped started going off. War Machine doesn't get to fire a shot in return. Iron Man doesn't even get a chance to make it up to him. It almost feels like there was an extended commercial break that makes the story feel choppy.

While the ongoing plot with War Machine slowed, it didn't stall. Mary Jane Watson's introduction to Invincible Iron Man did help move this plot forward, albeit indirectly. Invincible Iron Man #7 as a whole succeeds in introducing an important new dynamic into Tony Stark's life, but does little to explore the latest challenges within that life.

At the very least, Tony Stark can say he has another beautiful woman helping him organize the growing list of vulnerabilities in his life and as Peter Parker can attest, this can be a very good thing. He just needs to stay away from Mephisto.

Final Score: 7 out of 10

X-men Supreme Issue 132: Natural Discorder Part 1 PREVIEW and Pic Update!

In every major conflict, the one who achieves victory is often the one who strikes hard and fast. That’s exactly what the Mutant Liberation Front did to the X-men at the beginning of X-men Supreme Volume 6: Liberation Decimation. They flexed their muscle in X-men Supreme Issue 127: Terror Sell. It marked their first direct encounter with the X-men and, much like the X-men’s first encounter with the Brotherhood, it ended in the X-men’s humiliating defeat. The Mutant Liberation Front made the world vulnerable and the X-men were powerless to stop them. Now, with Professor Charles Xavier absent, what hope do the X-men have in their next clash?

This isn’t a conflict I intended to drag out. I had no intention of waiting until the end of X-men Supreme Volume 6: Liberation Decimation to depict the final showdown between the X-men and the Mutant Liberation Front. I don’t want this fanfiction series to drag people along like the comics have at times. All too often, we see conflicts develop gradually over the course of many arcs, but they fail to deliver in the end, rendering all that patience worthless. I don’t want that to happen with X-men Supreme. I know I used similar tactics with the Uprising arc in X-men Supreme Volume 1: Mutant Revolution and the Overlord arc in X-men Supreme Volume 2: War Powers. I’ll be using a different tactic here.

The beginning of this showdown is already underway. The events of X-men Supreme Issue 131: Double Threat brought a new and unwitting player into the game, Madison Jefferies. He might be an obscure character in the X-men comics, but the importance of his role moving forward cannot be understated. He has a target on his back with the Mutant Liberation Front, Wolverine, and Henry Peter Gyrich, who is seeking to usurp General Grimshaw as President Kelly’s method for confronting mutants. But why is he a target? Why is he now the key to this conflict?

There will be no ambiguity here. There will be no half-victories or partial defeats. The X-men and the Mutant Liberation Front are on a collision course again. Toad, Stryfe, Reignfire, the Kleinstocks, and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who I hope fans of the Deadpool movie are enjoying, are ready to make their move. They don’t want to make the same mistakes as Magneto. They want to end this conflict quickly and efficiently. They may not get a better chance now that the X-men are operating without Charles Xavier so they’re going to take it.

This marks one of the greatest tests to date for the X-men. Cyclops, who is now the undisputed leader when it comes to confronting such conflicts, must lead the X-men into battle against a team that humiliated them once before. Madison Jefferies has already ensured they’re a step behind, but they also have a chance to end this as well. And that’s going to be the catalyst for this critical arc, which I’ve dubbed Natural Disorder. As always, I’ve prepared a preview of what to expect as that catalyst starts to manifest.

“William Kincaid? As in…” began the President.

“Yes, sir. As in the same name as Jonathan Kincaid, the American who defected to Genosha twenty years ago and became one of Cameron Hodge’s goons. He also happened to be my little brother. Is that going to be an issue?” asked the General.

“That depends. How personal did you take it when we labeled Hodge’s regime criminal?”

“Let’s just say Jonathan was the black sheep of the family. We had a falling out and I didn’t hear his name until he ended up dead. I’ve had my loyalty questioned on more than one occasion, but I’m still in a uniform. That should tell you where my loyalties lie.”

“I can vouch for the General’s credentials and not just because he passed every polygraph test,” added Henry Gyrich, “Were it not for him, none of this would be possible.”

“I’m still not sure that’s a good thing,” said President Kelly.

“You gave General Grimshaw’s methods a chance. All I’m asking is that you give our way a chance. I’m confident the results will speak for themselves.”

Robert Kelly still remembered the impact left by Johnathan Kincaid. Having once been a major spokesman for Cameron Hodge, the he actually met with him the John Kincaid personally a number of times. He wasn’t the most articulate man he ever spoke with. His older brother seemed to share some of those traits, but he carried himself differently. For that reason, he maintained his share of skepticism as Kincaid and Gyrich booted up a projector and began their presentation.

“As you can see, the GRSO unit has been equipped with the latest in mutant suppressing technology,” said General Kincaid as he showed off a few schematics, “Every operative utilizes a high-tech battle-suit. It’s flame resistant, cold resistant, and most importantly in our current political climate…it’s resistant to psychics.”

“Even psychics like Charles Xavier?” questioned President Kelly.

“Especially psychics like Charles Xavier,” the General replied, “To go along with such a formidable defense, each soldier’s primary weapon is a special pulsed energy rifle, capable of delivering high-intensity force to any target. It can be made to stun or kill. I can say from experience that they’re a lot more versatile than bullets.”

“If the technology seems familiar, it should be,” added Gyrich, “Much of it was taken from Genosha during the first occupation of the island.”

“So this is what you’ve been doing with it in your spare time? Why wasn’t it deployed earlier?” questioned the President.

“Like most tech from Genosha, this stuff is a few decades ahead of its time. It wasn’t until we got your recent seal of approval, and the money that came with it, that we worked out the kinks,” said General Kincaid, “The CIA has been conducting small-scale field tests, mostly involving petty from the MSA where mutants stay out past curfew.”

Kincaid went through a series of slides, depicting high-resolution photos of GRSO’s activity. There was a shot of three operatives subduing a rowdy mutant in the desert. There was another of them fighting off a couple of mutant twins in some dingy basement. There was even an image of them arresting a mutant that was trying to meet up with the Mutant Liberation Front at one of their attack sites. It wasn’t the cleanest operation, but it was impressive.

“Not bad. Although the targets aren’t exactly high profile,” said President Kelly.

“It’s been a work-in-progress, but I say they’re ready for the big time,” said Kincaid, “After the Mojovision debacle, someone’s gonna make a move. It could be Genosha. It could be the Mutant Liberation Front. It could be the X-men. Whoever strikes first, it’s sure to be messy.”

“That’s exactly why we feel the MSA isn’t equipped for this,” said Gyrich, “Let’s face facts, Mr. President. Grimshaw’s people are glorified police officers. To take on the Mutant Liberation Front, you need something with more punch.”

“I won’t argue that, but firepower doesn’t mean anything if we don’t know where to find these monsters,” said the President.

“That was before a few nights ago when my GRSO unit encountered this,” said Kincaid.

The General brought up another slide. It showed a few images of the GRSO attack in Florida where Wolverine was involved. There were a series of images showing the well-known X-man fighting the unit. It turned into quite a mess, which never sat well with the President.

“X-men,” groaned the President, “And I was so close to making it through the day without a headache.”

“I share your sentiment for those costumed misfits,” said General Kincaid, “But in this case they may be our best lead. The incident you’re seeing wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. It involved some nameless mutant who was accused of helping the Mutant Liberation Front. As you probably know, over 80 percent of those accusations often turn out to be bogus or pranks in horrible taste. However, the presence of an X-man means they could be onto something that we’re not aware of.”

“Could they have a lead on the Mutant Liberation Front?” asked President Kelly.

“We don’t know, but they’re clearly up to something. Shortly after this encounter, we received a slew of new intelligence that may put us in a position to stop it,” said Gyrich, “That’s why we need your authorization to deploy GRSO in full force. We want to be there when someone fires the first shot.”

“That sounds rather risky, Mr. Gyrich. I’m all for a proactive approach, but I’m not sure a bunch of men in high tech uniforms will make a difference in this battle.”

“My thoughts exactly, Mr. President,” said General Kincaid with an ominous grin, “That’s why we’ve prepared a much bigger gun…one we’ve been saving for our first major operation.”

General Kincaid brought up a new slide. It depicted an image that left President Kelly stunned yet intrigued. Henry Gyrich had droned endlessly about the resources he was acquiring for this new approach. Now he actually brought some substance to the table. It was risky in that it could create an even messier situation. However, desperate times often required equally desperate measures.

“Is that what I think it is?” asked President Kelly.

“Indeed it is,” said Gyrich.

“But how did you…”

“I have a few friends that owed me a few favors,” said Kincaid, “Now before you make your decision, I think you should see some of the modifications we made. We’ve taken every precaution to make sure that whatever mutant we encounter, they won’t stand a chance!”

Also, in keeping with my efforts to update negated portions of the pics section, I've done another major (and overdue) update to the ever popular X-ladies section. As always, I'm open to receiving commissions and submissions for this section. So if you want to submit something to the X-men Supreme website, please contact me and we'll work out the details.

Emma Frost Pics

Black Queen Pics

There’s a lot of upheavals on the horizon for the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. This arc is hardly the end of X-men Supreme Volume 6: Liberation Decimation. It is, however, a major game-changer. I know Marvel comics have had plenty of those with the X-men, but I promise that this one doesn’t involve clones, time travel or sterilization. I’m a long ways away from resorting to those methods for this fanfiction series. I want to make awesome in other ways. And in order to ensure the quality of that awesome, it’s very important that I continue to get feedback. So please take the time to post your comments directly in the issues or contact me directly. Either way is fine and I’m always happy to chat. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Jack

Old Man Logan #3: Nuff Said!

If the success of the Deadpool movie should teach us anything, it’s this. First off, it’s okay for a superhero movie to show women’s breasts and Ryan Reynolds’ penis. Second, sometimes a gritty formula just works so for fuck’s sake, stick to it! Old Man Logan has offered further proof of this concept, courtesy of Jeff Lemire and Andrea Sorrentino. It doesn’t try to make Logan a leader, a teacher, an Avenger, or some pretty boy who can’t stop falling in love with married women. It just lets him be Logan. It’s simple, it’s crude, and it fucking works. I can’t say that Old Man Logan #3 will have Ryan Reynolds’ penis in it, but it has plenty to offer in terms of highlighting all that is violent, dark, and awesome about Wolverine.

Old Man Logan was hoping to find Hawkeye, who was among his few remaining allies in his craptastic future. Instead, he heads to his place and finds his apprentice, Kate Bishop. She’s not Hawkeye, but she looks better in a thongs. She also points an arrow right at Old Man Logan’s skull. Considering how often he gets shot with guns, he might actually be relieved.

It leads to a tense, but blunt conversation. Old Man Logan says he’s from a shitty future. Kate does what most heroes in the Marvel Universe would do and tries desperately not to groan. So long as this one doesn’t involve Ultron, I’m sure she’s not too worried. She’s probably even relieved when Old Man Logan passes out after telling her how fucked that world is. She’s new and she’s still getting used to hearing about apocalyptic futures without throwing up.

While passed out, we get another flashback into Old Man Logan’s world, just as we got in the first two issues. This one isn’t quite as grim as others. It shows Logan with his family. Lemire and Sorrentino have been going out of their way to remind readers that while Old Man Logan is a cantankerous old fuck, he was a family man. He loved his wife and kids. That means he actually enjoyed doing things like going to the beach with them. He didn’t let being a whiney old fuck keep him from being a good father. That’s something Alec Baldwin can’t say.

It’s an important reminder. For those of us with attention spans only as long as our last joint, we need to remember that Old Man Logan isn’t just kicking ass because it gives him a boner. I’m sure that’s part of it, but it’s personal for him. He wants to stop the future that destroyed his family and friends. It makes him the most likable old man outside a Pixar movie.

This could’ve been a happy memory. Odin knows Old Man Logan needs them. Then, we’re reminded that this is an apocalyptic world. That means shit like the dead bodies of Marvel heroes are bound to show up, even during family trips the beach. That’s exactly what Old Man Logan finds, which is right up there with jellyfish and sunburn in terms of ways to ruin a day at the beach. Anyone who’s been stung by a jellyfish can appreciate this more than most.

This flashback and all the harsh reminders they give help keep Old Man Logan motivated once he wakes up. The fact he doesn’t have an arrow lodged in his balls is a good sign that Kate Bishop is willing to help him. He’s healed, but he’s still an old fart who is way off his game. He probably figures if Peyton Manning can win a second Super Bowl, then he can finish off the hit list he’s created to stop his shitty future.

This is where Kate contributes in ways other than pointing arrows at old men and looking sexy in skin-tight outfits. She uses a SHIELD database to track down Mysterio, also known as the asshole that tricked Wolverine into killing his friends. I imagine Old Man Logan wants to be extra thorough with his deceptive ass and Kate Bishop is remarkably okay with it. She gives the impression that Hawkeye exposes her to enough blood and guts that she’s numb to it. That or she’s been watching the last two seasons of Walking Dead on an empty stomach.

They had off to find Mysterio, but along the way Kate drops a telling hint to Old Man Logan. She mentions the female Thor, who wasn’t around in Old Man Logan’s world. Why is this telling? Well remember, Old Man Logan still thinks he’s a more badass version of Marty McFly, attempting to stop a shitty future that a gang of Biff wannabes fucked up. He hasn’t yet entertained the possibility that he could be in an alternative universe wherein killing the guys on his list won’t do jack shit. It’s kind of tragic, but if he does really fuck up, at least he’s old enough to blame senility and prostate problems.

Despite these telling hints, it doesn’t stop Old Man Logan from barging in on the potential location of the asshole that made him kill his friends. It’s as messy, brutal, and bloody as it sounds. Once again, Andrea Sorrentino’s artwork is like an orgy in chocolate sauce for the eyes. Old Man Logan proves once again that he’s still the same Wolverine we know and love. He’ll ask questions with his claws and let the bloodied cries of his enemies give the answers.

The only problem, aside from who ends up cleaning the mess, is that these assholes don’t know shit. They’re just more flesh bags for Old Man Logan to carve up, hopefully as practice for when he finds Mysterio. It’s basic. It’s blunt. It’s brutal. Fuck, it’s Old Man Logan. This is what we want, expect, and desire. If it’s too brutal, then stick to My Little Pony comics.

Kate Bishop must have some broney in her because she’s not all that keen on Old Man Logan’s tactics. Not saying Hawkeye is a pussy or anything, but compared to Old Man Logan, we all might as well be wearing skirts. It leads to a clash with Kate Bishop, who isn’t too fond of random slaughter that doesn’t happen at a distance. Old Man Logan takes a couple of arrows and a foot to the face. But this guy went up against the fucking Hulk in the past issue. This might as well be a massage.

It leads to a swift and bitter end of Old Man Logan’s partnership with Kate Bishop. He’s trying to save the future, damn it! He’s not looking to make new friends for him to slaughter down the line. It’s perfectly fitting in a sense because Old Man Logan is a loner. And since he’s too old to flirt with married women, it has to be his main shtick.

But just as he’s ditching one potential ally/victim, he encounters another that promises to help him even more than a cute girl with a fancy bow in a skin-tight outfit. It might even count as another hint that he’s not in the same timeline he remembers. That’s right. Old Man Logan encounters Old Man Cap. Finally, we get a team-up of two old geezers who aren’t named Deniro or Stallone. It’s by far the most fitting pairing since nachos and weed. If only Ryan Reynolds’ penis was somehow involved, then it would be perfect.

So...is it awesome?

Well Old Man Logan didn’t stab quite as many people this time. He also didn’t get used as a tap-dancing lesson by the Hulk. Sure, he took an arrow from Kate Bishop, but this is Old Man Logan. If Mel Gibson can shrug it off in a movie, then it might as well be a hangnail for Old Man Logan. That doesn’t mean Old Man Logan #3 was lacking. It offered more insight into Old Man Logan’s tormented memories while dropping some hints for him that he might not be in the same position as Marty McFly. But more than anything else, he still carries himself as we would expect of a bitter, jaded, pissed off version of Wolverine. Anyone who can’t enjoy that on some levels is either in a coma or really needs to adjust their Xanax prescription.

Final Score: 8 out of 10

Uncanny X-men #4: Nuff Said!

There are two kinds of people. The first kind are those who curl up into a ball, cry uncontrollably, and demand that everyone accommodate their hurt feelings when the world screws them over. These are the kinds of people that make even old school hippies roll their eyes. The second kind are different. They’re the ones who get screwed over, but react by giving a giant middle finger to the world around them and decide to cope with it in a more productive way. Sometimes it involves blowing up those who would exploit the first kinds of people. Sometimes it just involves getting pissed off at the right people.

Cullen Bunn has made it clear that Magneto and his new team of fuck-this-Inhumans-loving-world brand of X-men are most definitely the second kind of people. They’ve spent the first few issues of Uncanny X-men giving hopeless, broken-spirited mutants of the Marvel universe a badly-needed kick in the balls. This involved them saving a few healers and telling a few mutants trying to take the easy way out to grow some fucking balls. It’s a beautiful thing and Uncanny X-men #4 attempts to build on that beauty by adding Mystique into the mix. Both my brain and my penis are sufficiently intrigued.

My penis and my brain would also be interested in attending a Hellfire Club party, as Fantomex gets to do. Yes, the masked, omega-level douche who once shot a creepy Kid Apocalypse in the head gets caught up in a mission that involves him attending a Hellfire Club party. I would only be slightly less outraged if he had been sent to infiltrate the Playboy Mansion during Mardi Gras.

While I’m sure Fantomex is up for an orgy or two, there is a meaningful reason why he’s at the Hellfire Club. The previous issue revealed they had some connection to the shady company that was promising mutants they could sleep through this latest shit storm. Because besides orgies, the Hellfire Club just loves to turn a profit on other peoples’ desperation. For them, that might as well be an aphrodisiac.

But Fantomex isn’t alone in infiltrating the Hellfire Club. Even he understands that no man accomplishes anything in the Hellfire Club without the aid and/or presence of a beautiful woman by his side. This means teaming up with Mystique, who is also aware of the shady dealings of the shady corporation that may or may not be turning enough of a profit. And if they can’t provide profits to the Hellfire Club and/or beautiful women, what good are they?

This means Mystique and Fantomex have to work together. It also means Fantomex is working with a woman who is just as likely to rip his spine out through his urethra as she is to fuck him. Not gonna lie. I still say that’s a risk worth taking, but if it all goes to shit, nobody’s going to feel sorry for Fantomex.

If anyone deserves sympathy in this cast of killers, shape-shifters, and inverted villains, it’s Triage. Magneto and his team managed to save him after losing Elixir. He’s now hiding out on Genosha from the Dark Riders where Magneto makes it clear to him that the Dark Riders might as well be sucking the dick of every Inhuman while letting themselves get fisted. They’re on a mission to ensure that M-pox and the Terrigen Mist fucks over the mutant race as much as it’s supposed to. And they treat healers like Triage the same way Marvel treats lawyers from Fox.

It still makes for a meaningful conversation where Triage complains about taken into protective custody against his will. It just means he hasn’t come to appreciate the douche-baggery of the Dark Riders just yet. And Magneto convinces him that keeping him away from the action is the best course of action. That’s something else Triage needs to learn. Nobody wins an argument with Magneto and survives with their cranium intact.

The Dark Riders might have failed to kill Triage, but there are other healers for them to slaughter. One of them is Shen Xorn. No, I’m not talking about the asshole Magneto imposter who killed Jean Grey the second time. I’m talking about the actual Xorn. Confused yet? Don’t be. It’s not worth rationalizing. You’d be better off rationalizing one of Ted Cruz’ campaign speeches.

Xorn was warned of the Dark Riders in the previous issue and he didn’t do shit when they finally showed up. It might sound stupid as fuck at first. Then, Xorn proceeds to kick their asses and after offering them tea no less. Yes, Xorn kicked the asses of the Dark Riders. I don’t know when Xorn became this awesome, but I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised.

The Dark Riders are just as shocked. They’re supposed to be the ones with the creepy masks doing the senseless maiming. Instead, they get pwned by a guy who thinks it’s okay to offer tea before coffee. I’m pretty sure the size of their balls shrank at least 80 percent after that. They end up having to return to their base in Egypt to lick their wounds. It’s almost as satisfying as seeing Cam Newton’s press conference after this year’s Super Bowl. Sorry Panthers fans, but even you had to admit you enjoy seeing a whiny bitch mope.

So the Dark Riders are humbled and pwned in the most humiliating way that doesn’t involve photoshopped dick pics. The time is perfect for the rest of Magneto’s team to strike. They’re already on their trail, having found them in the previous issue. With help from a still-mindless Arcangel, they deliver the kind of welcome that’s usually reserved for Shia Lebouf in a Transformers movie.

Now I know it’s usually a dick move to kick someone when they’re down. I hope Cam Newton fans have already forgiven me. But when the assholes in question are the Dark Riders, I think we as a species can make an exception and hope they do more than just kick. If someone doesn’t spit on someone else’s wounded body, then I think they’re just not giving a full effort.

The X-men are welcomed by the Dark Riders with the same warmth as a hungry wolf armed with a machine gun. There’s no wit or trash talk. There are just explosions, shots, and Apoclaypse-inspired monsters. In other words, it’s a great way for Greg Land to show off his art skills in ways that don’t make Emma Frost look like Pamela Anderson. Say what you will about his style, but he draws a brutal battle just as well as he draws an awesome pair of tits.

The battle that unfolds is not rushed or drawn out. It’s intense, visceral, and brutal, just as it should be when assholes on the level of the Dark Riders are involved. And remember, these are guys who just got fucked up by Xorn. They’re more than a little frustrated and definitely in need of picking their balls up off the floor. Every character from Sabretooth to Monet gets to shine. It’s the kind of brutal battle we would expect a team led by Magneto to fight.

However, those hoping to see the X-men supplement Xorn’s efforts from earlier will be disappointed. The Dark Riders, knowing they can’t afford another round of pwnage, decide to put on a fresh pair of panties and ditch the fight. But to make sure they give the X-men a sufficient amount of fuck yous, they blow up the exit to their base and bury them. Is it a dick move? Yes. Is it the kind of move a coward and a Ben Stiller character would pull? Definitely. But it also fucking works. And as anyone who has dealt with Comcast customer support understands, results fucking matter.

So now Magneto’s entire team is buried and sidelined, at least temporarily. The Dark Riders are now free to go anywhere they want and slaughter anyone they please, so long as they’re not Xorn or don’t offer them tea. Their first choice? Well, it seems their balls have been re-inflated because they decide to go after Magneto and Triage. At first, it doesn’t sound like a fair fight. Then I remember they’re fighting Magneto on Genosha, a country where millions of mutants died. I’d say it’s as fair a fight as the Dark Riders can hope for. They just better hope that Magneto doesn’t offer them tea first.

So...is it awesome?

Well Mystique is involved, so my penis can say yes. Fantomex is involved, so my penis is conflicted. But neither really contributed much to the story within this issue. In terms of the overall arc though, there’s definitely a link. It’s still kind of sad when the character that kicked the most ass in this story was fucking Xorn, but that didn’t make it less satisfying.

Uncanny X-men #4 still moves the story forward in a meaningful way. Magneto and his team are hunting the Dark Riders. The Dark Riders are showing that they can be cunning when they’re not  busy being ugly as hell. Cullen Bunn makes a concerted effort to make this conflict between the X-men and the Dark Riders feel more refined than a glorified cage match. At a time when the most effort anyone makes is limited by how full their DVR is, that says a lot about.

Final Score: 7 out of 10