Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Scanned Thoughts: Cable and X-Force #10
Every week, I pick out a few comics to smear with brain matter. This week, that brain matter mixed with a whiney little bitch who has red hair, green eyes, and isn't named Jean Grey. That's right, it's another comic featuring Hope fucking Summers. These are the deranged and pissed off thoughts that emerge as a result of reading Cable and X-Force #10.
The first few pages of this issue suck donkey balls for the same reason the entire previous issue sucked elephant testicles. It involved Hope fucking Summers. She’s still looking for Cable, despite him making it very clear that he wants nothing to do with her for the time being. Either she’s had enough apocalyptic futures or she’s grown to the point where she reminds him way too much of his mother. And being a good adopted father is a lot harder when serious mommy issues are thrown into the mix. It’s also harder when said daughter is a bratty little bitch, but that’s beside the point. After pwning the Avengers and mind-fucking her foster parents, she catches up with Blaquesmith, who came with Cable from the future during X-Sanction, the last comic where Hope wasn’t such a bitch. Apparently, he’s now making a living running 7/11-like joints. As someone who has stumbled drunk into many such facilities, I can only offer Blaquesmith my sincerest thanks.
Finally, we ditch the Hope fucking Summers sub-plot that made the last issue so shitty and catch up with Cable and X-Force. Because…you know, it’s supposed to be their fucking book last I checked. They’re on the run and lying low, living on Forge’s Cheyenne reservation out of a trailer. Throw in some beer and a deep fried turkey and you’ve got the closest we’ll ever get to a redneck team of X-men. There’s something poetic about that, but it does offer a nice explanation of what they have been up to while Hope fucking Summers is busy being a total bitch. The exchange between the team is nicely done from Boom-Boom’s whining to Dr. Nemesis’s mastery of playing horseshoes. This is the part about Cable and X-Force that I missed. I’d much rather have this shit than stories about Hope fucking Summers being a bitch.
It’s not all beer and horseshoes for Cable though. He’s still having nasty visions of the future and apparently, these visions are starting to come in bunches. It’s not enough to just save the future once. Multiple forces just have to keep coming at them, trying to tear the world a new asshole. He describes how he now sees epic disasters in five different locations and apparently blowing up a fast food warehouse or setting a genocidal alien free didn’t fix much. At some point, I have to wonder if Cable just wants to say, “fuck it.”
But as overwhelmed as he is, Domino offers some advice that doesn’t involve dry humping or shooting pennies from a mile away. She kindly points out that X-Force is a team. They can actually get shit done on their own without him barking orders. He can maybe try trusting them to take on these disasters without him being on the front lines. It’s a novel concept, I know. And it’s coming from a hot chick who runs around in tight leather outfits. You’re not going to get better advice without it being engraved on Pamela Anderson’s last boob job.
Cable’s not the only one with leadership deficiencies either. Havok is still regularly falling flat on his ass in trying to lead the Uncanny Avengers. His team was already pwned by a bratty little Jean Grey ripoff in the previous issue. Their balls couldn’t be more shriveled if they let Mike Tyson punch them fifty times. But he’s still intent on finding Cable because the Summers family name is already tainted enough. Cable is a wanted mutant terrorist and his brother is a wanted mutant revolutionary. That officially makes him the sober one in Charlie Sheen’s family.
He still has a nice little conversation with Rogue. While Cable and his team may not be on the same level of “holy shit!” as the Apocalypse Twins or the Red Skull, it’s important that he be the one to bring Cable in. It’s personal because it’s a family affair. And it’s that personal touch that has helped make Cable and X-Force compelling, except when Hope fucking Summers is involved. And given all the pwnage the Uncanny Avengers have faced, they need to do something to un-collapse their balls.
They manage to locate Cable just as he’s trying to take Domino’s advice and delegate to his team. Now he’ll have to punch Havok in the jaw again, but his little condition that allows him to see the future makes that a little tricky to say the least. He suffers a full blown brain hemorrhage, forcing the rest of X-Force to take on the Uncanny Avengers. Thankfully, Forge has had way too much free time on his hands and apparently no internet porn. So he’s been hard at work, building some shit that he probably saw on the Discovery Channel or Night Rider reruns to help defend them. It’s not clear just where the fuck he stored this shit, but it does help buy X-Force some time and gives them a better shot at further pwnage.
And just when I was getting to enjoy NOT seeing Hope fucking Summers, we have to catch up with her and Blaquesmith. I guess I shouldn’t be completely repulsed. It’s not like this side-plot is being ignored, even though I wish it were. Hope basically tells him what we already know. Cable doesn’t want anything to do with her and why the fuck would he? She’s a messiah that didn’t sacrifice jack shit. That makes her the Ryan Leaf of messiahs. But then Blaquesmith reveals something interesting that has nothing to do with this failed rip-off character. He knows who has been fucking with Cable’s brain. Cable apparently was mulling retirement, but how the fuck can anyone who was born to a Jean Grey clone and raised a Jean Grey ripoff expect to retire?
And to add a little icing to this shit cake, Blaquesmith shoots Hope Summers. I’m sure it’s not going to kill her, but I can dream can’t I? It just makes her disappear. If only it would make her disappear permanently, but it’s still satisfying to see. This little bitch just mind fucked her adopted parents and the Uncanny Avengers. She deserves way worse than being shot.
Thankfully, that’s the last we see of Hope fucking Summers. From here on out, it’s all X-Force vs. Uncanny Avengers round 2 and it’s a pay-per-view worthy fight. There’s no negotiating or impassioned pleas this time. It’s just two opposing teams beating the shit out of each other and it’s very satisfying. We get to see Boom-Boom fight Sunfire, Havok and Captain America fight Forge’s toys, and Rogue take on Domino. My boner was hard enough, but when Thor kicked Colossus’s ass and Rogue took on his metal skin, I was officially equipped to hunt deer with this hard-on.
This is the kind of action that an X-Force comic ought to have, not an entire issue dedicated to some failed mutant messiah. I want to stop harping on how shitty the last issue was with Hope fucking Summers, but this battle and the story surrounding it was so awesome that I feel downright bitter about having to go through an issue of shitty filler. Thankfully, my attention span is very short when it comes to awesome comics. That or it’s the weed.
For the most part, the Uncanny Avengers avoid further pwnage. They rough up X-Force and show that Cable’s little band of outlaws are overmatched. But then Cable shakes off his brain hemorrhage with the same badass swagger (with help from Dr. Nemesis, of course) and uses his telepathy to mind-fuck the Uncanny Avengers into submission…again. It gives him and the team a golden opportunity to escape once again and destroy whatever is left of the Uncanny Avengers’ balls. At this point I want to feel sorry for the Uncanny Avengers, but given their collective douche-baggery since Avengers vs. X-men I’m still going to take a sadistic pleasure in it.
But unlike before, the pwnage isn’t complete. While X-Force does manage to get away, Cable’s tendency to give medical advice the finger caught up with him. He fell flat on his face after his telepathic attack and his team had to leave him behind. So while the Uncanny Avengers don’t have a whole team to throw in the jail cell that Cyclops escaped from, they have the guy responsible for it. In that sense their balls are allowed to unshrivel just a little. And with Cable in custody and more disasters to stop, it looks like X-Force is going to be stretched pretty thin, but in a very awesome sort of way.
These are my twisted thoughts on Cable and X-Force #10. Overall, it’s a solid recovery from the shit storm caused by Hope fucking Summers in the previous issue. This series is back on track to being awesome, provided it can keep the Hope fucking Summers content to a bare minimum. Nuff said!